#so i guess its just. a lost cause
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We figured out what was wrong with my peace lily
Because I wasn't overwatering it. It got enough light. It wasn't too dry, I keep my apartment warm, and I've had these plants before all through uni with no issue
Ikea sold me a lily with fucking root mold
#so i guess its just. a lost cause#im really pissed about this#because now i not only have to throw out one of my favourite house plants to have#but i wasted my time my effort and my money and now i have to deep clean a perfectly good pot#and watch out for mold infections on my other plants#which means i might have to get a fungicide for them if it catches on any#and i have a bamboo tree within spore spitting distance of it
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silly guys that make me lose followers on tumblr dot com
#my art lol#vocaloid#zhiyu moke#persona 3#ryoji mochizuki#omfg lmao i normally dont do this kind of thing ever... but the circumstances are so fucking funny i HAD to#no cause its so amusing to me. so u can put up w/ my unhinged ramblings in the tags a bunch of dumb uninteresting shit etc#but seeing the same fuckass gif too many times in a row is the final straw?? ok sure#LIKE IM NOT REALLY MAD OR ANYTHING its just hilarious to me that THAT is some (2) people's final straws w me. thats their limit#i only reserve spam reblogging the same post in a row for very special occasions when im extremelyyyyyy unwell abt smthn (pos or neg)#so its really funny to me that on two separate occasions that was enough for two separate people to unfollow my main. LOL#couldnt handle the mokening/ryojiing 😔🙏 tragic! anyways.#NO BUT ALSO i once did reblog. the same video of shadow the hedgehog like 50+ times in a row#i dont remember if i lost anyone because of that though??? if i didnt then THATS HILARIOUS LOL everyone just loves shadow#but some fuckin chinese computer program and death the teenage boy??? i want those twinks obliterated. blocked and unfollowed.#my lessons ive learned: i can weaponize random ass gifs of random ass anime boys i guess?????????#also this is from today. and serves as a good precursor to whats abt to happen which happened far from today 🥴😭😔😔😔
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#don't you love it when you come home during festivals hoping to feel happy and get stress relief from college#but it ends up being more horrible and triggering than even college#cause your family just openly bitches about you and judges you while you're within earshot#repeating all the bad shit that you tell yourself when you're alone#confirming your fears of being the most horrible and inconsiderate person on earth#i feel exactly like I felt some 4-5yrs ago#sobbing on my bathroom floor trying to not harm myself further#it's a lost cause#i will never have a family who will understand#and now guess what I'm so exhausting that telling all this to my friends seems horrible too#there is only one way I'll ever be happy and god I hope its soon#I'm done with healing and trying to make people understand how much I suffer everyday#vent#I'm sorry I have no where else to go#delete later
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It's time to play guess which episode of House md I just watched for the first time!
Here's a clue: I cried for the entire episode and after finishing it I'm left with a black hole in my chest where my soul used to be
#guess what episode of house md i just watched#thats right#Wilson's Heart#i could write an entire essay on the layers of house loving wilson and wilson loving amber and wilson loving house and amber being a#mirror for house and wilson loving amber because she's a house that he can actually be with and wilson losing amber who's a mirror for#house so its like hes lost house and than having to deal with the fact that he's not only lost the house that he can be with but hes#constantly plagued by the house he wants to be with but cannot be with and also house is the cause if amber's death and#so glad i watched this show#can't wait for it to go downhill from here and I'll still love it because it's an integral part of my psyche now#house md#hilson
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i think your hat post is really cool and interesting but susan’s hat is a cat and i will die on this hill
this is true!!! when i was talking about the modern human hats not resembling animals i meant all of these ones
(excluding the minerva-bots and finn of course)
#wait. wait. i just thought something#finn wearing his bear hat -> bc it makes him feel connected to the humans#and martin & the hiders (that old woman with the tiger at least) not wearing hats bc they don't feel that personal connection w/ the island#ok this is so obvious but i just think comparing and contrasting finn and martin is so interesting#but i don't think martin really was a hider. i don't think he felt particularly connected to any ideology or viewpoint in particular#he's a floater#yk#martin is so interesting#i dont like the amnesia theory or whatever (that martin also lost his memory in some capacity)#like to me its just that. he was able to commit enough to start a family but not committed enough to go back to them#after being seperated & having freedom#& he just super duper avoids thinking about it bc it makes him feel guilty. but not guilty enough to do anything about it#like when he said he doesn't like thinking about minerva cause it stresses him out that doesn't come across as 'can't remember'#it very much comes across as 'nah im not gonna expend energy into thinking about something emotionally difficult'#like if he actually tried to be a dad to finn he'd have to face all the time he spent not looking for him. instd of just avoiding it all#like where's the fun in making him less Complicated. you know?#whenever finn is in the vicinity martin's always tryna get out of there as fast as possible 😭#i guess that could also just be seen as him trying to avoid the consequences of his actions (like when he's worried finns gonna try to rip#his arm off lmao) but i personally interpret it all as a guilt thing too#none of this is related to the ask but yea 🫣
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(not so) doodle page of a friends dnd character magdelene! character belongs to @pixellyix
#dnd#dungeons and dragons#dnd oc#dnd oc art#artists on tumblr#illustration#dooblenauts#dnd: gathering of the gods#friend art#these are so fun to make#but man it takes so much time#also 400+ layers hhhhhhh#love magdelene tho. shes so silly#so excited to see more of this campaign honestly. i love all the characters#also kinda wish we recorded this from the beginning cause the dm is his first time dming#and its just so fun to see how much hes improved#next time!#i guess!#next i work on vtuber art and a personal art ive had in my head for like. 4 months#unrelated ive lost all motivation to study japanese again
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kinda realised that suzie/the mages convo in 2x06 is similar to the brotzly on in 2x07
#todd haters dni ur not welcome here#they both stem partly from selfish reasons (on todds end- suzie /is/ 100% selfish she wants power/to be queen)#todds putting his own goal (finding amanda) on the side to help dirk- WHICH HE DID#but similar format i guess? like the mage/dirk give up because they lose/lost and suzie/todd is like??? uh?? no?? im gonna keep at it#and mage/suzie arent friends so theres not much connection or meaningful disappointment to be had mage is just a loser to suzie cause he is#but dirk and todd are friends and todd did put his shit on the side to help#todds right- friends help each other so i get the frustration of dirk refusing to do any of it#even if it wasnt 100% at the best time for todd to say it- but like it wasnt out of nowhere#and he wasnt being abusive or callous hes in a fucked situation for the past 2 months trying to keep dirk inspired for the past week#like its not just dirk and its not a competition on whose feelings are more valid theres no nobility in suffering#i will defend 2x07!todd till the ends of the earth
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literally the catch 22 of making urself less to keep people around you directly leading to people leaving u bc you’re not opening up to them 🧍♀️
#like !!! I’m trying to be what YOU want!!! I’m sorry you didn’t want me like that and now you’re mad I’m fake ?!!!??!!#I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I have an authentic self to live confidently as#bc everyone says the only way to rly be happy is let go of expectations and be your real self and find your real people#but I don’t think I have a self tbh#I think I’m a collection of experiences and expectations and I don’t know how to return to the origin point#oh well I guess!!!!! lost cause!#‘you can’t give up everything for someone and call that love’ WELL WHAT IF ITS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE ?!#yeah I’ll never have real love bc I only expect to love and not be loved#but let’s be entirely real. you can’t love a mirrorball ! a set of masks ! a changing thing !#and yeah I know it’s my fault I’m like that but it’s fucking impossible to stop#how can I take chances and live authentically like ??? what the fuck that goes against my like. core being.#idk I’m making it sound stupid but UGH#and then I just become upset later that they don’t love me the same. maybe it’s bc they don’t know me. like sure. they never asked.#but I never told.#i talk sometimes
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u guys ever think about killing urself for everyone elses sake.
just so people wont have to go thru the annoyance of talking to me or the disgust of seeing my face so they can be happier by talking to their other friends instead of me so they dont have to deal with my actual fucking stupidity
#tw vent#tw suicide#ingnore this. btw. or dont i cant stop you lol#imsso close to cutitng off everyone i know so they can be happier i alreadyblocked a few people i knewnow ionly know one person irl#imf so glad she found other people so she'll be completely fine if i disappear out of her life her life sounds like its going great actuall#ruining my life ^_^#i dont want to talk to people but for their sake#IM GENUINELY SO FUCKING STUPID AND UPSETTING TO TALK TO .#does anyone even love me anymore#im probably doign this for my own selfish reasons#i dont go outside anymore for everyone else sake. so they dont have to see my ugly face. or deal with my awful speech#at least i can still draw.... only way i can mkae people happy..#im mean to myself more than anyone else is mean to me at htis point. why#im not even capable of becoming mentally well at hthis point. im a lost cause#tell me what you rlly think . just tell me to shut the fuck up. just call me annoying. whatever u say cant be worse than what i do to mysel#pleasee im just dragging u down and making u feel worse whenever u tlak to me DO YOU NOT REALISE IT#i dont want to feel better for myself i want to feel better so i can be useful to others#i fucking hate people but i love them a lot . i gues i just hate how i affect others. social outcast i guess
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edit: eye design on the pin is based off of this video tutorial by yurie sekiya, creator of pero pero sparkles.
#art#artists on tumblr#my art#traditional art#doodle#yeah thats the phone i used to take these photos#i did these around very early june this year#every year there's a festival in the middle of my town celebrating it#its pretty much an event for local organizations and businesses to promote themselves#its kinda boring because its the same every year lol#but i go mainly because 3 4ths of the stalls give out promotional branded thingamabobs and free candyyyy (😋)#one of the local libraries gives out free books - daycares and kids centers have toys to play with#and lastly kids art schools have some crafts#which is how i got to work on the cd and badge in the photo#fun fact: the stall i did the cd at gave me a flyer printed on card stock which i used to make my arrangeable v a angel face#at the second stall i actually made the pin a total of two times because i lost the first one minutes after i walked away#and when i came back a second time the people hosting recognized me so i had to explain myself#on an unrelated note they were so impressed with my second pin that they asked to take a picture of me with it#and post it on their social media. and i agreed because yay someone likes my art ^W^#soooo there is a picture of this badge and my REAL FACE floating around on the internet#i regret it in the slightest because I have the reasonable fear of my appearance being out there out of my control#though i guess that's a lost cause because ive been in the background of friends' posts and school club social media posts#btw i wrote “(to) kill” in japanese in cutesy handwriting on the pin because i thought it would be funny#and i think it's even funnier to imagine that the social media of the kid's art school just has a post of a badge saying “KILL💖”#next to my smug ass face
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TWICE. LOST GALAXY HAS SHOWN AN UNSUITED GINGAMAN CHARACTER T W I C E. FIRST GOUKI AND NOW SHELINDA I AM LOSING MY MIND
#like did they just not care or did they assume no one would notice#i guess tbf i can see how the lil Shelinda could have gone unnoticed but the gouki one was so so bad#but its so fucking funny#cause when the episode started i thought 'oh this is about Damon - i wonder if they are gonna pull from the Hayate v Shelinda fight'#and then thought 'nah Shelinda isnt in a suit they cant really use any of that footage'#only to eat my fucking words cause they used a long shot with her vibing in the damn corner lmao#before watching gingaman i just couldnt ever get in to lost galaxy but oh boy am i so glad i gave it another shot#the way they use parts of ginga feels so bizzare and delightful#idk how to explain it but it just FEELS different to how other pr seasons feel...#maybe im just too attached to gingaman lmao#or maybe its the super jarring colour and quality change every time we jump to gingaman footage 😂😂😂#lost galaxy
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I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think
I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.
#i have adhd ptsd and depression myself#and im not sure if physciatrists are misunderstanding (ima be honest ive lost a lot of my faith in them for stuff like this) again#or if its just a coincidental overlap in the presentation of the conditions#it would honestly make a lot of sense to me though#a lot of physciatrists and therapists agree that bpd is a trauma disorder#it almost feels like what happens if you recieve the trauma that would cause DID (i have DID as well) but#but either at an older age or without the necessary capacity for dissociation required#the reason i say adhd is because the link between adhd and depression seems heavily overlooked#not to mention the effects of adhd in adulthood#given that bpd is a trauma disorder im guessing a lot of people with the condition were neglected by their parents to some degree#not necessarily all but enough that adhd symptoms in childhood would go undiagnosed#and once youre an adult its much harder to get a diagnosis#youre more likely to be diagnosed with things like depression and bipolar disorder#because its gone on so long that its sort of metastasized into more har.#*more harmful conditions#i could be totally wrong about the adhd thing#i just think that its unacceptable how ineffective the treatments are for it#feel free to tell me about your experiences with the condition if you have bpd#that includes self diagnosed people too btw. anyone with bpd#i know a lot of people who suffer needlessly because doctors are incompetent so im just really passionate about this
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yall how do u even know if ur aro/aro-spec i feel like an imposter
#my t#flashbacks to being trapped between everyone in the fuckign ace discourse wars again#i got trust issues from that bc both sides were massively shit so i dont wanna actually yknow Go Back There on this site even if its change#but cause i want a connection but not an inherently romantic one but also not an inherently platonic one either#like i just want the commitment i guess. i want someone i can always hang out w/ and maybe kiss sometimes or a lot#my intersystem relationship is perfect cause its basically that exactly excetp i *do* love him but#its also Differnt in a way i cant describe to singlets verses a relationship outside of my system/with my partner system#differnt kinda intimacy by way of literally being able to read his thoughts n junk. i love him and hes in love w/ me thats the diff there#but we're still Good and Boyfriends n rlly happy abt our situation#*stuff more accuratly but also junk cause yknow wink wonk#but if any1 who follows me is aro please feel free to like. drop their 2 cents on how they figured that out. cause im fuckin lost
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#txt#tw#dont read this and i may delete but i just need to say it#i do think about dying a lot#like i dont want to be here lol#people suck big time#everyone here is so nice and lovely and supportive#but you arent physically near me and i guess thats what i need#idk#and i cant just message randoms with all my personal shit all the time#unless i can? idk#the main reason i wont kms is cause my dad wouldnt be able to handle it hes lost too much#i think hed prolly follow suit#and i cant have that#plus other things like my pets etc#but what is the fucking point lol#i know eventually ill move on etc#but the world sucks man#it sucks#i have a good life but my brain sucks and i ruin everything and no one sticks around and i am just a fucked up friend and partner and i dont#see myself getting better#if i told my psych i think about this id get sent off and i think that would make me worse#i just want the future back that i thought i was going to have#that was ripped away from me without warning#no conversation#nothing#and he gets mad at me when i bring that up??????#yeah its so fair you kicked me out etc but im the bad guy for airing my feelings#fuck everyone tbh haha#im just done
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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not even butcher and blade
tk we need to have fucking words
#all im going to accept is best friends and top flight in the finals. thats all. nothing else is gonna cut it#i dont know what i was expecting but lmao#i mean i know kips not on the program for like the next two weeks but. not even his boys#i guess this is cause they lost last week but thats still just. ough#also best friends being the only team made to work for this ahead of time#please just finally make all these implications mean something im so tired#another bullshit tournaments thanks tk ough#im going to bed this is depressing#sorry its bummer hours again after the nice day i had im just tired and this just sucks lmao#wrestling musing
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