#and it makes me feel very unloved and upset but whatever its all on me bc i cant communicate in ways other ppl can understand

[phagodyke]

this is like my fourth or fifth consecutive bad gym session I might as well just kill myself

[ernmark]

Birthdays fuck with me, mentally. They always have.

There's a lot of reasons for it, but they're all little ones, nothing traumatic-- to the point where I'll find myself wishing there'd been some Big Trauma Way Back When to justify the overwhelming depression that always rears its head right then (that, I'm told, is A Symptom).

But without getting into the weeds:

There's something actively painful about things where you're Supposed To Be Happy. It creates this overwhelming expectation/demand to Be Happy Right Now that's echoed back from every single direction, and a feeling of immense guilt for Failing to Be Happy, so you try and force it, and the harder you try the harder you fail, and it keeps going like that in the background until it leaves you completely drained and miserable.

And then you're meant to respond back to every "Happy Birthday" with a performance of delirious happiness (or else look ungrateful, or prompting demands at explanation) and Exciting Plans (which are their own, additional, source of dread and anxiety). And it creates this bone-deep feeling of loneliness as you're hiding behind a performance that they don't understand and you aren't able to explain, repeated with every single well-meaning text and email and interaction. And you can't just pretend that you don't have a birthday or ask people not to acknowledge it, because having people Forget Your Birthday carries its own baggage of being Unloved and Unseen that I really don't need when I'm dealing with what's become an annual episode of Deep Depression.

What sucks doubly about it is that I like getting presents, I like being acknowledged, I want to feel special and loved. And I know that these things are done from genuine love, or at least genuine like. There's never a drop of malice or bad meaning behind it.

Hilariously, if there was, I would be a lot more comfortable saying "I'm probably going to eat my weight in whatever comfort food I have the spoons to procure and then curl up in bed for the rest of the night."

(Therein, I think, comes that Mentally Ill desire for some kind of trauma or tragedy-- because in that fantasy, you get to have the well-wishes, but also with the support and understanding that you're allowed to be miserable right now regardless.)

I suspect that this sort of thing is a big part of the reason why I've always been as aggressively Not A Fan of Christmas as I am, even before I left my childhood religion-- that same demand for Good Cheer and guilt for Being A Grinch coming from all sides, the inability to escape it without making it A Whole Thing that you already don't have the energy to deal with.

(This sort of thing is also why horror and tragedy media is easier for me to handle than comedies or fluffy stuff-- that Expectation that comes with the latter very quickly becomes stressful and upsetting if I'm not in the right mood for it. Meanwhile if horror fails to scare, it's because it failed to be scary, and tragedy can usually find something to be cathartic about).

Mentally, it's a stalemate. I don't know what to do about it or how to make it not suck. It's not anybody else's fault, and nobody is doing anything wrong for wishing well or hoping happiness on you. That's just a genuinely good, nice thing to do. They're not remotely responsible for my brain chemistry, and I have plenty of reasons not to share it with them.

It's just part of how this whole thing goes.

[risnabeaute]

🫧💗✨ Self- Love Needed! 🫧💗✨

hi beautes! 👋🏻♡ ̆̈ I want to share my opinion about self love this time, because yesterday I was feel lost and confused about myself. Having a great concern for your own happiness and well-being is a sign of self-love. Taking care of your needs and not compromising your wellbeing in order to appease others are key components of self-love. Not settling for less than what you deserve is a sign of self-love. Since we all have different ways of taking care of ourselves, self-love can mean different things to different people. Determining what self-love means to you personally is crucial to your mental well-being.

For the enchantment of self-love is something you make for yourself, not something that is thrust upon you, let me ask you to do this. Settle into a calm and serene area, prepare a cup of your favorite tea or coffee, and disconnect from all potential sources of distraction. This will assist you in taking the time and care that you need for yourself. You've already taken a step toward self-love by grounding yourself in this way and giving your all to whatever comes next.

I was really sad yesterday because I feel im not loved, im not worthy of anything and everything getting worst. But I relized I have to manage and controlling myself before myself controlling me, yes that sounds so pity to me but its real. To begin with its not necessary for pursuing radical individualism in order to love myself. It also means letting people love us even when we don't feel worthy of love. Because we tend to punish ourselves severely for not being perfect at loving ourselves, handling our emotions, understanding ourselves, praising ourselves, and feeling confident about ourselves, even when we do our best to do so. We will come to understand that we are never fighting this struggle alone if we allow people in. Then I Ask for assistance what I feel.

Yes, it might be challenging to love who you are. It takes severe consideration and focused action, especially because it's quite simple to give back into feelings of self-love that are accompanied by anxiety, bitterness and and even hatred. In light of this, loving yourself calls for a great deal of courage and strength because it necessitates being honest with oneself and taking a close look at your identity and values. Accepting your flaws, errors, and all of your incorrect turns and poor judgments requires you to embrace everything about you, without exception. This is what it means to love yourself.

You have a generally favorable self-perception when you love who you are. This does not imply that you always have a favorable self-image. That's not easy at all! Accepting yourself for who you are right now, flaws and all, is the definition of self-love. It entails prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being and accepting your feelings for who you are. And then I slowly love my self, and this 3 ways what I do when I feel unloved:

1. DO NOT LOCKED YOURSELF!!

"My advice to you is please don't ever sit in your room and lock yourself away because you don't think you're good enough" -Catherine Tate

When I was upset at teenage I always locked myself in my bedroom then I cried loud, I felt empty, unloved, angry and unworthy at all. And it really sucks, Please, go outside and see beautifull world! There is one thousand reason to smile, to be grateful for what you have, it is not by compring yourself to others but believed that everyone is so beautifull, learn how to love, look for what makes you happy. Go to coffeshop and read book it really make myself better and You so.

2. Belive in Yourself!

Darling, You glow differently, trust me. The key that opens the ignition and starts the car is similar to the belief we have in ourselves. Honestly, without it, we can't get very far. Thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that aren't in line with our objectives prevent us from moving forward, no matter how hard we try. Consequently, we either fail to accomplish our goals or we intentionally harm ourselves along the way, sometimes in ways that are evident to us and sometimes completely hidden from us. When I belived myself I feel lived, I feel everything happens for reason and I have a purpose to do. So do you are love.

3. Celebrate Yourself!

The act of appreciating who you are right now—rather than who you hope to become or who you view yourself as—is known as self-celebration. It's about standing in your own strength right now, supporting and believing in yourself. And for any cause, at any time, wherever, you can celebrate who you are. This isn't egoistic.

You know what, I used to think that Im not worth it all to celebrate every accomplishment in my life, I think others have more bigger than mine. I relise its all wrong. I have to celebrate mine too.

For example, my birthday was last month, and many people think it's ridiculous that I still celebrate in my life. Do you truly mean it when you say "it's just another day" or "presents aren't important" or "I'd rather forget it's my birthday"? No matter how strongly you believe their truth, it's your birthday, and let's be honest, everyone wants to feel recognized, even if only in modest ways. My birthday has always been a major deal for me, since I can remember, and I look for every reason to celebrate it during the entire month, as well as inviting my beloved best buddies. So there is a picture of mine when I celebrate myself. Lets celebrate ourself!!!!, xo -Risnabeautes

happiest girls are the prettiest

𓍢ִ໋🌷͙֒₊˚*ੈ🎀⸝⸝🍓✩‧₊˚˃̵ᴗ˂̵𓍢ִ໋🌷֒✧ ༘ ⋆｡♡✧˚ ʚɞ˚ ༘✿ ��� ⋆｡

[kaycode1999]

hii! saw you were doing matchups! could i have one for jjk and bsd (only if possible though! if you only do one just do jjk) i am 21 so no minors please^_^

personality - im pretty silly and brainrotted im very sweet for the most part unless im in a bad mood or people are being rude to me or people i care about. i seem really confident and brave but its mostly just a face i put up so people dont think im weak or a scaredy cat . i have different personalities for different people (unless its my close friends then im genuinely myself for the most part) when i love someone i let them walk all over me tbh, im scared i’ll be alone and that im unloveable so when someone shows any use for me at ALL i let them do whatever they want to me.

gender- i am genderfluid !! i go by any pronouns<3 sexuality- im pansexual - no preference

hobbies- i like painting, writing, debating, dancing, singing, and playing video games:3

not sure if i did this right lmfao but i tried !! whether you do this or not have a great day^_^

I match you with

JJK

Takuma Ino

As responsible as he is he is also fun loving and goofy

He’s also a sweetie so you two are pees in a pod

He definitely would understand you being in a bad mood if someone is being rude to you or someone you care about

It’s the kind of relationship where he just can sense what you’re feeling, you don’t even have to tell him. He gets to know you well enough to know when you need him there with you and when you need space

He thinks the confidence mask is adorable but unfortunately you’re not fooling him, he sees right through you and tries to hype you up as much as possible so that confidence becomes true

The different personalities for different people doesn’t phase him, and it makes sense because certain people bring out different parts of your personality and/or require different things

He loves knowing you can be yourself with him ( as much as you can at least)

He would never take advantage of you or let anyone else for that matter

His goal is to make you secure and confident in that you deserve to be treated properly/with respect no matter what

A true gentleman in that regard, he will spoil you with everything he has because he truly loves and cares for you

Love playing video games with you but I get the feeling he’s just naturally good at it so he ends up beating you majority of the time

Is always your cheerleader for your art and loves to witness your singing and dancing

Bungo Stray Dogs

Chuuya Nakahara ( I not so Low-key love him very much *my beautiful ginger short king😂*)

I know we don’t see near enough of him when he isn’t pissed at Dazai, but with everything he goes through he could always use some fun and silliness

He’s low-key a sweetie and a softie especially when it comes to a significant other/people he cares about and I will not be changing my mind on that 😂

He’s completely understanding if you’re upset or in a bad mood for whatever reason, will definitely go out of his way to make you smile and laugh (may definitely joke about crushing whoever or whatever made you upset with his gravity manipulation)

He also sees right through that mask

Just like Ino he gets the different personalities for different people, he likes feeling like you can be yourself with him. He knows that means you trust him

He also would never take advantage and wants to make sure you believe for yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect

He also clocks that shit immediately so God forbid anyone tries to take advantage of you because he’ll send them running for the hills in an instant

As much as he would never take advantage of you or let anyone else he also has a weak spot for you and would basically let you walk all over him too, the good thing is he knows you’d never take advantage of him either

It’s fun playing video games with him because he has such animated reactions

Always so hyped to see your paintings and read your writing as long as you’re ok with it

He’s almost in a trance when he sees you dancing or hears you singing *he swears it could bring him out of his other form*

Happy New Year!!

[lynnedwardswrites]

Like, have you considered that if whatever you're feeding your beast is making it sick and unsatisfied you might just be feeding it the wrong thing???? Or lacing its food with poison? Like maybe instead of saying "evil upset stomach beast is evil" it might be a little more useful to go "huh, maybe my anger isn't looking to be told it's shameful for even existing, maybe my anger is looking to be told that it's very valid for existing, that letting me play out vengeful fantasies in my head is actually completely morally neutral so long as they stay in my head, that punching the fuck out of a heavy bag or a smashing glass bottles in the back yard are all actually completely fine ways to vent all the excess energy that anger creates so I can then become focused enough to think about what actually needs to change and create that change in clever, subtle, and effective ways." Maybe your anger is hungry for finding other people with similar experiences so you can be angry together, validate each other, make effective social change plans together, and feel real human connection again. Maybe your anger is hungry for proper education so that you can actually begin to understand what happened to you and isolate the critical problems that need to be solved.

There is no part of you that is evil and unlovable. There are only universal human needs and oppressors that tell us it is noble to starve ourselves.

— Frank Bidart, from “Half-light: Collected Poems 1965-2016; ‘The Third Hour of the Night’", published c. 2017

[himbos-hotline]

hey! while it’s disheartening and sucks to get hate comments, you should try to remember that the fics you write should be purely for your enjoyment. it’s stuff you like and want to share with the world, and some people find it and end up liking it a lot! you’d be surprised how many people probably read your fics and love it but don’t say anything bc they’re shy. unfortunately, there are a lot of hateful people on the internet and they will do anything to try and bring you down. you should try your best to ignore it (i know you probably don’t wanna hear this but it’s true). another way to get rid of hate is turn off anon on tumblr, if anyone sends you hate after then you can block them. you can also restrict comments on ao3. if you ever get a hate comment on ao3, you can also block or remove (i think) the comment. trust me, there are a lot of people who LOVE your work. just continue doing what you love. if you have haters, they’re most likely just jealous or miserable people. sorry for the long note, hope your day is good!

anon this is gonna sound really mean and I am PROMISING that it isnt, but I kinda just, need to reply to little bits of this message like were having a convo and im not arguing, im just..tired of being told the same thing [again not mad, clarifying stuff]

you should try to remember that the fics you write should be purely for your enjoyment

yes I know that, so is people baking or drawing. but if someone gets told "this cake kinda sucks." or "your drawing is wrong." they seem to be allowed to get upset but with writing its just "well youre writing for yourself!" Yeah, I know that and I am. But if I was writing for myself, I wouldnt be sharing it. People wouldnt be requesting it. if it was just for me. I wouldnt have an ao3 account. im writing for ME but im posting and sharing for other people, the people who ask for said fics, people who are my friends, people who like the ships, the fandom cuz fandoms simply do not exist without fanworks, not creations. were not getting paid for this. AT ALL! Like you cant do fic commissions cuz youre just sitting fanfic and fandom culture back YEARS AND YEAR.

I am writing for me, why do writers always get that? why is it never "but youre editing for yourself" or "youre making gifs for yourself" or "well you are drawing for you."

and end up liking it a lot! you’d be surprised how many people probably read your fics and love it but don’t say anything bc they’re shy.

Please get over that shyness. Thats what anons are for, thats for like guest comments are for on ao3. thats what reblogs and nice tags are for. thats for recommending fics on PUBLIC spaces, not discord servers youve made privately. Please tell fanfic authors that you like their fics, please leave comments and draw fanart or whatever you want to do just share it with us! because otherwise writers are going to feel unloved and lost and NOT write anymore and then fandom spaces will, im sorry die cuz the whole point of fandom is we inspire each other, we lift each other up!

im sorry for ranting back at you anon, this ask was really sweet but there was just points that I had to put out, things I had to say because it gets kinda draining being treated differently as a writer than say an artist. Its just like if I drew, like really instead of once or twice a year. People wouldnt be going "youre drawing for yourself." also just the weird diconnect between like, people who write and other people who are making things in fandoms is upsetting because it takes so much work, so much dedication.

like sometimes it feels like people forget that me personally, am disabled and chronically ill. Im currently fighting off pheumonia, ive just gotten out of a very abusive and manipulative relationship where him not liking my writing was a big way he would control what I would do. writing is harder than what it should be right now. But I do love writing, I adore getting requests and every nice comment I get I reguarly go back to read and it means so so so much

[simpleblue9]

I love things that people feel lesser than about. I root? route not sure which it is atm but I always or very often feel for things even winter and the cold. I know people don’t share my sentiments but sometimes I get personally upset / like feel worldly sad that time away from the sun or the temperature changing giving sooo many people a negative or depressed feeling/ disposition/displeasure. Things and comments that are often meant to bring people together or create commonality often make me feel note isolated in who I am. I love the winter, rain, cold, ice, not seeing the sun, all of that. I think it stems from seeing people unhappy or that people just anticipate feeling bad and I want to change or affect that in a positive way. It’s s pretty silly how people talking about the weather or that simply them saying something feels less good than other things can at times rock me to the core. I know I’m quirky and feel like coming to the aid of the misunderstood, the less than, I even feel that way about things or tasks. Not just people but when people talk about hating certain tasks or activities I then like automatically feel for whatever is being treated with some form of negativity. It’s like I feel sad for things whenever they ate unloved or under appreciated. It’s good to write this stuff out, and yet it puts me all in the feels and makes me think how I take things soo literally, so seriously. And then also the exact opposite as well. It’s confusing frustrating emotionally draining and yet it is me. Healing for myself and healing for what/whoever feels hurt. Its exhausting sometimes and yet it makes me feel human, which is something I also sometimes struggle feeling like.

[r0mantic-h0micide]

my current feelings: im hurt and sad. i think jake doesnt love me because he has been less sexual toward me the last two days. it hurts my feeling that im always so sexual. im such a sexual person and i never find someone who is on the same level as me. it's frustrating. because it makes me feel so unloved. like what did i do to make him not want to touch me? how long is it gonna last? what can i do to change? what do i need to do to make him love me?

rationally: do i need to speak to my therapist about this? like am i placing my personal value as only sexual so if jake doesnt have sex with me, i feel i have no value. or is it just my love language and its perfectly fine for me to feel sad because sex is how i show and feel love?

exploring the first option, yes, i have been sexualized from a very young age. i think 12 was when i started getting on websites i shouldnt have been getting on and talking to men i shouldnt have been talking to. so growing up, as other people sexualized me, i sexualized myself. and like a lot of my relationships with men as i got older were all online and based purely on being horny. it was always very rare for me to have male friends that were not sexual to me both in person and online. and even as i came into adulthood, i have always been quick to be sexual in relationships.

maybe its because i feel like if i have sex with someone, theyll be forced to love me. or like maybe theyll love me because i have sex with them.

baseline, if jake doesn't want to have sex. thats fine. because i know if i didnt want to for whatever reason at all, he wouldnt make me. he wouldnt even make a move to test the waters. i mean also for the obvious reason that no means no. if someone clearly doesnt want to have sex right that second, the answer is no. it is so okay if jake just isnt in the mood for whatever reason. i just want to understand why it makes me feel so poorly. like im sure there could be a multitude of reasons as to why, but i want to know why so i can work on fixing it.

because the way my mind works, even in practicing cognitive behavioral therapy, i cant bring myself to be confident enough. like i get upset because i think jake doesnt love me anymore or he isn't attracted to me or hes cheating; the list goes on. i am not confident enough to say to myself "jake loves me. he thinks im pretty. our relationship is secure." because what if it isnt? but i also know that it is. but it feels like if i say it out loud, the opposite will happen. and i do this often. just like i always go to the hospital when i have chest pains because im afraid that the one time im able to convince myself that im not having a heart attack, i'll be having one and itll be too late.

and im sure that this all stems from being insecure in myself. and i really hate that. i dont know how to get myself out of a loop like that because im genuinely so afraid of being confident things are going great when they actually arent.

i know jake loves me. i know he thinks im the prettiest thing ever. i know he lives, breathes, and dies for me. i know that. hes proven that to me. hes a good man. and im more than lucky to have him.

thats also why its so frustrating to feel insecure. especially because its not his problem. its mine. i understand that there are ways to compromise in certain situations to make one person in the relationship less insecure. like jake calls my pretty every single day. i know he says it because he means it. but i also know that he knows it makes me feel good. but thats simple. thats easy. theres nothing i can do to make him want to have sex with me if he just doesnt want to for whatever reason. im sure hes tired. tonight, he fell asleep pretty well as soon as his head hit the pillow. theres no reason for me to be hurt. but i am.

i just want to figure out how to not spiral into this pit of thinking im unloved. i get in my head and i think like how i used to. that ive always known no one will love me. and ive always known that i would spend the rest of my life with a man who doesnt care about what i want. but that thought process isnt fair to me and its not fair to jake either. because hes doing his best and his best is great.

writing this out has helped kind of keep me from spiraling because im rationalizing my feelings and not giving myself the opportunity to just lay in the bed and let my thoughts run wild. it's frustrating to have to do that though. i mean i dont mind writing down my thoughts. its just annoying to have to do it over something that shouldnt be making me feel this way.

my feelings are mine and its okay that im having them. im not trying to push them away completely. i just want to stop immediately thinking that jake doesnt love me just because he doesnt want to have sex.

its not something that needs to be completely sorted out right this second. you cant change over night. but its something that i needed to reflect on and that i need to continue reflecting on so that i can support myself better in the future. to the point where eventually, i wont need to support myself, itll be something that isnt such a big deal

[yourmoonmomma]

Alex..may I ask for some advice?

I’ve been dating someone for about 6 months now, at the beginning of the relationship it was great..we spoke quite often, went out a fair bit, good morning texts etc the whole scheme that you expect during the honeymoon phase.

Now it’s like..im talking to a brick wall. they will say that they love me but some days we wont speak at all (which i understand is normal btw just one change i noticed), they’ll only text me late at night, say things like its no big deal that i havent seen them for over a month. I said i was upset at the idea of not seeing them for a month but i understood that they had other things to do. At one point I was stressed and busy and I did push them away a bit because I wasnt sleeping for days on end I didnt have anything to talk about. i’ve asked repeatedly if I’ve done something wrong to warrant this “cold” front but they keep saying we’re cool and that nothing’s wrong and that they love me.

idk whether i’m just making a big deal of things. but i don’t understand this change. its weird because i’ve never felt this way before, it’s a pain that hurts my heart. I’ve cried so much trying to understand and saying that its ok to give it time and maybe they’ll go back to normal. i really dont know tbh, my heart aches because it doesn’t seem like they care anymore. I dont want to leave them because truthfully they’re my first love and it took so long to find someone that I fear i might not find someone else. i dont think i want to find someone else either.

Unfortunately, we do have to run under the assumption that they are telling the truth about what they say. If you've encouraged them to open up about what is bothering them or going on, and they say nothing, we have to assume that is correct, as we can't force people to open up past what they're comfortable doing, especially if they are telling the truth. So, because of that, I would wonder if this is just what love looks like for them. If everything is okay and they think you two are are fine, it could be that they don't realize they need to keep putting in that effort. A LOT of people will put in more than they usually would for the first little bit of a relationship. Not in a manipulative way, but just because it is what is expected! But once they are truly in love with you, and feel secure in the connection, they pull away because they recognize that they can be their true self now. They have faith that you aren't going to leave, so they can relax. We all have different romantic needs, and different attachment styles, so it could be very likely that this is just their way of feeling loved. They may just genuinely not require the same things you do.

However, that doesn't mean you have to suffer and feel unloved. I know you said you don't want to break up, which is very valid, but please know you CAN find someone else with similar needs to you. If you would rather stay with this person though (which is very understandable! I would too!!) you need to have a talk. Let them know how serious this is for you. How the way they pulled away makes you feel. Let them know exactly what you told me. And ask them how they feel about what you said. It isn't an easy talk to have, but it will hopefully help some!

During our rough patch (which tbh we are still going through) I at one point had told Jayson "I am going to have to leave if this behaviour doesn't change." I told him straight up that whatever it was he was doing made me feeling unloved & like he didn't appreciate me anymore, and I could not stay in a relationship where I was feeling that way all the time. I didn't say he had to fix the behaviour immediately, but explained that I did need to see some improvement, or at least have him acknowledge me in those moments. It's scary, but sometimes we have to phrase it like that, so they understand how serious we are.

[photographertherapistblogger2]

So this week is very overwhelming and I've realised I've been holding onto hate for someone so I'm here write them a letter of how I've become to feel about them. Honestly this is really hard because this person has changed and they are not the person who they used to be or who I thought they used to be and its very upsetting. Here's goes.

Hey, I dunno how we got here but it's time for me to tell my truth. Over the years I've tried to explain to you how I feel and instead of listening and trying to understand why you shut me off because it was either to painful for you to accept or you just didn't care. I now realise that over the years the way you treated me such as leaving me to cry on my own in my room and not listening has caused us to grow apart and left me feeling lonely and unwanted.

I was put in positions I really shouldn't of been put in and that's made me hyper independent and had put pressure on me that I was unable to cope with. Like when you had a mental breakdown and just stayed in your bed. Telling people to leave because you couldn't tell them yourself because you weren't strong enough. Cooking and expected to look after myself from a young age because you were either working or having a breakdown. I still loved you and didn't realise what was happening to me.

Even when I had something terrible happen to me on multiple occasions I wasn't protected. And when you found out you had to make it all about you. Honestly I adored you and honestly I know the reasons why I felt unloved and unwanted now. Those are just a few that I remember and I honestly want to say I forgive you and if you didn't do that to me I wouldn't be the person I am today. Thank you for my lessons and I look at myself now and I'm rebuilding everything I've ever known and comforting myself which you should of done all those years ago.

Just remember I loved you and still love you but I can't keep expecting things to change or for you to notice me because it's holding me back in life. All I want is you yo be happy whatever that is to you and I want to be happy myself because I'm now here better myself and my kids and I'm proud of myself and its all because of me and my strength. I hope one day you realise how much love I've had for you but I'm not the person you used to know either. I'm reaching for my higher peace. In the long run I'm not the one missing out anymore.

Love you ❤️❤️❤️