#but I don’t think I have a self tbh
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literally the catch 22 of making urself less to keep people around you directly leading to people leaving u bc you’re not opening up to them 🧍♀️
#like !!! I’m trying to be what YOU want!!! I’m sorry you didn’t want me like that and now you’re mad I’m fake ?!!!??!!#I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I have an authentic self to live confidently as#bc everyone says the only way to rly be happy is let go of expectations and be your real self and find your real people#but I don’t think I have a self tbh#I think I’m a collection of experiences and expectations and I don’t know how to return to the origin point#oh well I guess!!!!! lost cause!#‘you can’t give up everything for someone and call that love’ WELL WHAT IF ITS THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE ?!#yeah I’ll never have real love bc I only expect to love and not be loved#but let’s be entirely real. you can’t love a mirrorball ! a set of masks ! a changing thing !#and yeah I know it’s my fault I’m like that but it’s fucking impossible to stop#how can I take chances and live authentically like ??? what the fuck that goes against my like. core being.#idk I’m making it sound stupid but UGH#and then I just become upset later that they don’t love me the same. maybe it’s bc they don’t know me. like sure. they never asked.#but I never told.#i talk sometimes
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Done (heavy quotation marks) with monster Ody @evergreen292 ;)
tbh I couldn’t for the life of me pick a color palette I liked And Render it so I gave up on color. Enjoy the half assery.
Tbh I’ve just been call it Ithacan Naga, but it’s objectively it’s a mix of snake, owl/bird, and human. So 🤷.
Tbh the wings are supposed to be white/gray-brown, cause owls & Hermes, while his scales are supposed to be an oscillating scale from sea green-blue to purple-tinted gray. Uhm. Evidently that sorta didn’t happen but also did. So.
The purple/grayer scales are gonna be more around with the feathers and wings.
Those fin colors are. Too blue and too bright but I love the colors themselves so they’re staying for now.
Uhm. That’s it for now, ig. I’m sorta on a timer rn and I’m tired so <3
The writing bit with this is still in the works (😭)
#Odysseus#epic the musical#Ithacan naga au#guess that’s what we’re calling it#an Ithacan naga would deadass just be an aquatic naga#I think#the feathers and wings are cause he’s Zeus/Hermes’ kin & Athena blessed#tbh the main reason i wanted to color at all is cause I wanted easier differentiation between… everything. and actually draw the scales.#so snakes have this extra (?) bone that connects their skull & jaw which is what lets them extend it. so. ody gets that here.#resting/casual naga ody is like. 7ish ft? anything intimindation or just rising usually reaches 11-12 ft. his full length js 20 ft#naga eyes don’t have any eyelids. it looks very odd on a human (unsettling)#owl eyes don’t really have visible white scelcra#or however you spell it#nor do snakes#unsettling#maybe I’ll caption this later but hhhhh#he’s sorta supposed to be an olive sea snake and fish owl#but fuck colors rn#uhm cause he’s aquatic I suppose he does have to make up with Poseidon… uhm let’s say after everything Seidon picks up a fuss and Athena#argues back n everything and it causes a reallllly big fuss so Zeus (+ others) eventually work smth out that basically amounts to:#Don’t fuckin bother each other (intentionally)#also endgame for naga ody (he can change back and forth dw) is that he gets used to it. he doesn’t advertise it cause he’s sneaky like that#(and after he gets over the self loathing). uhmmm. yeah. It’s great cause NEREID PEN and SEA NAGA ODY#they can go on sea hunts together!!!!#ody CAN fly yes. same logic that lets Hermes fly with 2 small pairs of wings on his ankles and head.#he folds the wings when swimming and the fins fan out underwater. vice versa. his feathers are waterproof.#you can BARELY see the vauge shape of thighs/legs melting into the serpent part btw.#Ari’s art#my art#I’mma add onto this + actually type this out in a post later or smth
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[ cw: assumed death / assumed sibling death / assumed child death / solitude ]
Thinking about Leo being trapped in the Prison Dimension and keeping himself warm through the power of his own ninpo - this ability is shown to us as a flame, after all, so imagine if, when he lets his mystic energy run through him, it warms him up, just a little.
In this desolate place, all cold and alone, he focuses on that flame and leans into its warmth.
He relies on it, and he realizes it that he’d relied on it too much when it goes out, and he’s once again cold.
(In another dimension, the Hamatos believe they lost one of their own.)
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#assumed death /#assumed sibling death /#assumed child death /#he’s NOT dead but they don’t know that#anyway I think about Leo’s ninpo being the flame for everyone else’s to circle around a Lot#tbh I like to think that the turtles always had some innate mystic energy about them#even before they were mutated#I think they were chosen for a reason#If you look past the lens of a cartoon then they (especially Leo) were all more aware than most turtles usually are#imagine Leo always even from birth having that innate energy within him - a warm hearth that just makes him approachable#look at his baby self’s face cmon#anyway speaking of Leo and Warmth did you know that RES eggs that hatch at higher temperatures are born female I thought that was interesti-#sorry couldn’t resist but!! just sayinggg#he’s the one who prepares for cold temps and who actively tries to bask in a spa#my boy loves to be Warm#(because he was born warm-)#these tags are so much less serious than the post sorry guys
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I’ve been doing some stream of consciousness thoughts re: Akechi and I think my final opinion on that whole situation is just… it sucks.
Like I’m not going to say “woe is he” or anything because boy, what are you doing. What the hell are you doing. You doomed yourself!!! Because of your own stupid pride!!! Akechi.
But I’m not going to say “cool motive still murder” either because. Can you imagine. Being that lonely and that hungry for anything resembling affection and pride in your person that you’d shatter yourself into pieces just to find a shard that they like best because you’ve grown up being told again and again that you are unwanted and unloveable as you are. Fundamentally. And all you have is this singular drive that makes you feel worse and worse about who you actually are inside so you double down on your fake image because at least fickle fame is better than nothing and it’s all you’re going to get at this point, but at the same time this drive is also the one thing you feel you’ve had any power to determine or enact, and you did it all yourself when the world expected nothing of value from you, so yeah, of course you’d pursue it harder to the point of violently self-destructing - only for that all to get wrenched away with “you never fooled me and I was just puppeteering you all along and I never needed you”, pulling the rug out from under your vengeful purpose, your autonomous image, and your starved core desire, all at once. And then your asshole dad’s twisted headspace image of you shoots you point blank.
He dooms himself because he thought he was already doomed. Caught up in a cycle of cruelty to both himself and others, that he saw no point in trying to escape from, and didn’t want to, because it would mean relinquishing the (it turns out) quite fragile image he’d painstakingly built up. He’s a product of his environment, which led to him making god-awful choices, which in turn trapped him in a worse environment. How many people have died here or become grievously injured as a result of it all.
What do I even do with this. It just all around sucks.
#storyrambles#yeah sorry I’m probably not going to shut up about akechi for awhile.#p5 writers really said here’s a scene in which so many things will happen all at once. anyways. moving on#and I’m still here like WAITWAITWAIT just hold on a minute!!!#tbh I think they shouldn’t have dropped it all at once… things were foreshadowed nicely but I just kind of wish everything to do with#akechi wasn’t just in like. two scenes. I think he should’ve been more of a presence in shido’s palace#would’ve made the ‘yeah I don’t actually need you’ so much worse#or maybe set things up with his cognitive self somehow? idk. just wish it wasn’t dumped on us all at once#though I guess it kind of made the audience feel like the thieves and joker would’ve.#confused on how to feel. upset and shocked. frustrated. etc.#story plays persona 5#p5r#goro akechi
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The party at the Prom
But soberness turns out to be the friends we made along the way
I literally just got possessed and woke up with my this piece finished two weeks later
Mind you as much as deranged teenager I am, for everything to be ✨legal✨ you could tell this is my self-indulgent polish Byler au. Because I was inspired to draw this after my school’s prom and I know NOTHING about American proms lmao. Anyway here’s some more context:
And yeah Will is totally the person to run the fuck away randomly and Elmax would probably be on the side quest. Somewhere outside of the state. Most likely.
#will byers#mike wheeler#dustin henderson#lucas sinclair#stranger things#byler#< target audience#I mean LOOK AT THE TIES I THINK THIS IS OBVIOUS#byler PRL au#ig??#byler prom#I need prom fics you can recommend me some#also it’s my first time drawing Dustin and Lucas so if you have some criticism about my way of drawing them I will take it and do better#promise 🙏#I don’t know what to add here tbh I’m just#I’m egxausted#this is the most self-indulgent thing I’ve done in a while#IF MY ENGLISH IS OFF PLEASE IGNORE IT
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Eepy family ❤️💙🧡
#I told you guys I wasn’t done with them yet lol#tbh I don’t think I ever will be#also I’m sick so that’s why I’ve posted like 4 drawings in the past 24 hours#i have commissions I need to work on but it’s fiiiiiine#I feel shitty and drawing eepy kazurei makes me feel better#hey google is this self care#buddy daddies#kazurei#reikazu#my art#buddy daddies fanart#kazurei fanart#rei suwa#kazuki kurusu#miri unasaka
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What a whimsical looking young man I wonder if he has received any job offers recently
Original photo
#my art#project sekai#rui kamishiro#if u saw this get posted before: no u didn’t#forgot to schedule the post for the morning incident 60 dead 600 injured.#i feel obligated 2 say I actually post abt pjsk on my main (apotelesmaa) frequently (I have brain worms)#& I only post on this blog once in a blue moon and it’s usually not serious art atp#so do not expect anything.#curtain call. what an event. love rui he’s such a good character. I hope he explodes.#he is so full of love and so bad at recognizing his emotions and problems.#‘I don’t have any emotional hang ups about anything’ says the guy who has so many emotional hang ups#rationalizing pulling back as safety measures instead of fearing abandonment/concern of hurting tsukasa (or others) again ->#rationalizing accepting asahi’s job offer because it’s the best for his future even if it’s not the best for himself#also tbh I think to some degree u could argue accepting the job offer was his way of getting ahead of being abandoned#not that it would happen and not that he’d recognize that to begin with#negative self awareness king! he is not processing his emotions at all!#would love for him to mention the job offer in a future event. even just offhandedly. shaking him by the shoulders. talk to ur friends moron#me when I’m in a not recognizing what I’m feeling and how it effects me competition and my opponent is rui kamishiro from hit game pjsk#etc etc. anyways.#once again falling into the ‘sure whatever this can go on the art blog’ category#in that I used simultaneously too much effort and very little in creating it#once again: [hope you’re hungry. for NOTHING] dot jpeg. as is typical here at hallowclave dot tumblr dot com.
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ngl cannot really understand why people would want to get pregnant. i mean like it destroys your body for what? so you can have a child to take care of that is genetically related to you?
#iso.txt#cannot really understand having children tbh like why would you torture them by giving them life#but esp if you are the partner who would have to endure the actual pregnancy … it seems not in ur self interest#i saw some posts talking about what it’s like to be pregnant and i don’t understand why anyone would endure that for ANYTHING#and why would you want more responsibility for yourself anyway#tbc im not judging anyone it just makes no sense logically#in my framework of thinking
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hiii I’ve never done this kinda thing but this is a nonbinary bisexual pride flag I made!! I know that a dozen other people have already made a bunch of super lovely versions of this already, I just wanted to try making my own purely for myself :)))
I actually tried this a couple years ago and rlly liked it but never posted it, so I just gave it another shot and I REALLY like how this one turned out, even more than my first attempt. sooo uh yeah! it perdy :))) I love being bisexual and nonbinary <3
I don’t expect anyone to use it but if you wanna feel free I guess?? go ham! 💙💜🩷🧡💛
and here’s some various blorbos that I think fit hehe :))
(ok but seriously how RIDICULOUSLY perfect does 15’s color scheme match. that’s beautiful stuff right there.)
#genuinely just pure self indulgence lmao#and it was fun to make :) and I think it turned out gorgeous tbh I’m obsessed w it#feel like sae will like this also. hi sae.#nonbinary#bisexual#lgbtq#queer#mogai#<<<maybe?? I guess??? it’s what inspired me to make it at least#also I do have some vague flag stripe meanings in my head but I don’t think they rlly matter#I’d rather just let people take whatever meaning they want from it tbh
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Sometimes u just gotta draw some dang birds can I get an amen 🔥🔥🔥
#HEHEE :))#okay to rb :)#self ship community#self ship art#self shipping#self insert community#self insert#flea art#💙RedNBloo❤️#god I wish birds were real#oh trivia . Bloo is a seagul#it’s not that noticeable tbh LMAO#I still think it’s fucking hilarious his name is Bloo even tho he’s green. Red was incredibly suspicious abt that in the beginning#I don’t have much 2 say lol I’ve been having a rough time lately erm#I’d apologize for not posting but I feel like that’s all I do lol#well that’s abt it ig ty for uuerrmmm being here 👍👍👍
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Not to sound batshit crazy but I graduated college in December 2018 at age 21 which immediately led into a year and a half of the deepest darkest depression I’ve ever experienced as I was separated from ALL of my closest friends (who were still finishing school across wildly different states) and moved back home as I was still struggling to figure out what to do with my life and eventually working a terrible but demanding retail, used bookstore job for $13/hr (worst experience of my life tbh) WHILST holding a double bachelors degree to Covid hitting in 2020 and being furloughed from said job and living off unemployment checks while still miserable and not seeing my extended family, to my Grandma (the most amazing woman ever ever rip) dying of cancer in Nov 2021 to my mom being diagnosed with rare stage 4 bile duct cancer in March 2022 to being one of her main caretakers for the last two years to now all of a sudden being 27 going on 28 still living at home caring for my dying mom in hospice and fearing I’ve wasted my youth and I just…. First of all I’m very proud of myself, in all honesty, for making it this far, because a couple times I didn’t think I was going to…and at the same time I feel like I’ve lost the entirety of my 20s to quarantine and shitty jobs and not making a living wage and grieving all the people I’m closest to which is. Really fucking shit!! Idk. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Life sucks and it’s also beautiful. I’m grateful to be able to log on to this stupid site and find a community of people who care about all the goofy things I care about. Love 2 u all.
#sorry to trauma dump on a random Thursday.#I simply…#when I think about it it is truly crazy#the last year id call a legitimately ‘good’ year is 2018#and even that was kind of iffy because I had a monumental best friend breakup#not un akin to Taylor and k*rlie k*oss#and when I list it all out it’s like ??? holy fucking SHIT?????#I survived all that!!!!#I feel like I’ve aged (and it shows) a decade. I look 30+ ☠️#like damn I’ve actually been through all that. that’s crazy!!#my 20s have been the WORST years of my life. and there’s this myth that they’re supposed to be the best.#self discovery? idk her. I don’t have time to unpack my own life.#idk where im going with this tbh. just. how have 6 years passed and how did i make it and etc.#ktp
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y’know i originally conceptualized pomni being stuck as her avatar in the pomni escapes au as being completely literal, but it could be read as a visual metaphor for trauma/feeling like she “never left the circus” now that i think about it
#i might ramp up the ambiguity of this in later fics for this au tbh#looking at her ref again. made me think something about ‘dressing up as your old self’ idk#not sure how i would resolve this though? then again sometimes stories abt trauma *don’t* end w a full recovery#anyway. to make this clear in-story i’d have to design human!pomni which is gonna be a challenge in and of itself#tadc#the amazing digital circus#tadc au#pomni escapes au
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ya girl Steve is not doing all that great in college work life
#tryna convince myself to do an essay rough draft by thinking how it could “”””impress””” a guy in my English class that i can’t tell if i’m#crushing on bc i’ve never been in feasible romantic situations (ie crushing on some1 not a fictional mythical entity) or if there’s just#serious mutual “we should b friends but oh god how do i actually talk to them” tension#either way there’s undoubtedly smthn here I just gotta get past aaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllll the social trauma from being ostracized#in middle school & having absolutely 0 consistent real friends in high school; i swear to that axolotl i am on constant Survival Mode at#school & it shows so badly#should’ve (ie an “excuse me” or “thank you”)#and typing this is EXTREMELY counterproductive rn I’ve been here for like 5 minutes#anyway i feel stupid for this because it feels like smthn i should’ve been doing in high school but thank the undiagnosed adhd for#annihilating my “high school experience” in favor of homework I could never complete and still can’t apparently#like for christ’s sake could i at least be doing good at schoolwork & creative projects if i can’t have a social life#or instead have a few friends to make it feel like there’s less pressure on the hw cuz there’s more important things in my life#literally screenshooting this rn to know to talk to my therapist abt it. doubt she’ll b able to help but might as well yeah#i don’t want it to be obvious how much self loathing & pity & general angst i’m holding when i talk to ppl but I’ve never ever been a good#emotions actor & never will tbh.#AND my minecraft house looks ugly. send post
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Not the spiderverse art book restarting the dying down Hobie age discourse. With the Japanese version implying he’s a ‘young boy’(I think that’s what it was either way either way) and the book saying ‘he’s much older than miles..’(smth like that either way either way) and it’s like seriously? Again? AGAIN?
The directors said it’s up to interpretation. And the only reason(w/ the exclusion of the people thinking he’s like 30 cause that’s weird and gross, re-examine some racial biases)that people are so adamant he is or isn’t a minor is because of shipping! Whether it’s with one of the spider teens or with OCs or justifying self shipping it’s weird! It’s weird that that’s the reason people are going nuts over this shit and dying on their respective hills. And let people have their HCs holyshit.
And to reiterate: it’s not proshipping/pedoshit if someone HCs Hobie as a teen and ships them with one of the spider teens. It’s not necessarily fetishization and is not pedoshit if people HC him as a young adult and do self ships or whatever else goes on there.
It’s fandom let people fuck around. Something doesn’t have to be justified as morally wrong for you not to like it. Stop trying to force your own Head Canons, key word HEAD as in the canon in your head, onto other people.
Sorry for the rant I just cannot believe it’s still going.
#I’ll say it again#head canons#as in the canon IN YOUR HEAD#ik part of the problem is people are new to fandom spaces/culture and don’t entirely understand HCs#sorry I’m getting so heated but this is like the stupidest shit to see people get stuck on as someone who has been here for awhile#like actually dealing with ACTUALLY problematic ships and this is what y’all think is problematic now??? ITS IN YOUR HEAD BESTIE#like the ghostpunk. punkflower. and chaipunk ships aren’t for me but I do love and appreciate the art!#never rlly been into self inserts either. idk just not my thing tbh#didn’t even rlly know what proshipping was till the Hobie brown stuff#y’all are KILLING ME#it’s funny but it’s also annoying to see it all over my feed#so now we all have to suffer#there isn’t even really a tag for me to filter it out#I’m gonna put some triggers just cause I was less eloquent than I could’ve been lol#tw pedophila mention#age discourse ig
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A message to the recent & future transgender pick-mes.
If you’re a trans pick-me (no matter where you align with gender) there’s a special place in Hell just for you & I don’t even believe in Hell. Having trauma isn’t excusing your actions of going out of your way to hurt other people actively. It explains that it comes from a place of hurt potentially or you’re just turning into a rage-bait influencer because it makes you money. Either way you come after trans people who don’t do being trans exactly like you so they “aren’t really trans.” You get a taste of the right-wing rage-bait money pot & you wanna keep going because money & maybe some weird part of you thinks this will save you from transphobic attacks? Honey, we’re all just fags to them no matter how we look or act. Even if you’re a cis person not following the norm or unaware of the politics of it all, you’re still just a faggot to them who they will eventually want to snuff out. I’m saying this as a tranny fag just to be clear! You can’t be playing these exclusion games & thinking it’s going to make you powerful! Even Milo Yionnapolis or whatever that fucker’s name was got dropped by the Trump Administration! They do not like us & they never will like us! Democrat, republican, whatever it is; if it’s capitalist, it doesn’t like us! No matter how much you lick those boots, it’ll do you no good. You’re a faggot/tranny just like me & the rest of us, that’s how these suits see it & always will see it no matter how much you try to prove “I’m one of the good ones.” They aren’t going to save you, we’re all on the chopping block to them no matter what our politics are. These government folks don’t see any of us as “one of the good ones.” Get over yourself, grow the fuck up, and stand side-by-side with your transsexual siblings! All we have is each other, these cis people aren’t shit! 💜 Down with cis! 💜
#if you don’t know what a pick-me is read the post and or look it up#I’m not going to name names because I’m not a pick me bich with a big following#& unlike the money making influencers I don’t have the luxury of people demanding my account be brought back on other sites#hate that word ‘influencer’ but it serves the purpose of this topic in particular#this goes out to certain Kellys & Bucks & Kalvins & all the other sniveling whiny irrelevant pick-mes who play the I got mine so screw you#card & betray the very people who supported them & for being a traitor to their wider community of trans siblings#imagine wanting to be a bitter angry obnoxious influencer until you eventually pass away; that is honestly a skill issue#grow some compassion & learn to love the people & things around you; that’ll do you much better than a life of pointless performativity#I think we should bring back the phrase#down with cis#& I mean that genuinely#these self hating trans circles much like the people crusading after trans people will only eat themselves & each other alive#you’re better off supporting & sticking by your trans siblings; yes even the ones who you think do gender weird or have neopronouns#get over yourselves please; neopronouns aren’t even probably new tbh but this isn’t a history post#mine#op#trans#transgender#nonbinary#enby#tw slur#tw slurs#cw slurs#slurs tw#tw t slur#tw f slur#f slur#t slur#slurs cw
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of course it’s people who aren’t disabled who insist that my disabilities are social constructs. it’s not progressive it’s just another way of attempting to delegitimize me for daring to suffer from issues you personally don’t understand
#think I’m gonna have to unfollow this person tbh#their takes on topics they know about are really interesting#but they do the con artist thing of constantly pretending they know everything when they don’t#and it’s like. I do want to have the more academic mindset in my life.#but I don’t think I should be getting it from self important grifters
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