#also if I start writing too much fanfic I maybe become too self indulgent and start writing weird stuff

[myokk]

She hears him calling her name as she flees down the spiral staircase, almost tripping over her feet in her rush to get away from him, but he catches up quickly, reaching out to grab her arm in an attempt to slow her down. She stops running immediately - she supposes her traitorous body wants to see what he has to say, or maybe it just wants to bask in his intoxicating proximity. He crowds her space, and she sees that unfamiliar look in his eyes again. So very different from the cold disdain she had seen the last time she had been this close to him, during the argument that had ended their friendship.

Oh, Merlin, he's getting closer to her, and she can now clearly see the freckles dusting his cheeks and nose and forehead and then before she knows it, his hand is sliding up her arm, leaving goosebumps everywhere he touches and then he's caressing her jaw with his rough thumb and he pauses. Her eyelids flutter closed as her head tilts towards him - she couldn't stop herself even if she wanted to (what does she want?). She can feel his warm breath ghosting over her lips and she has the improbable, ridiculous thought - how is he remembering to breathe? - before he speaks. His lips brush against hers with every soft word and a deep shiver runs through her body.

"I," she hears him say, his voice so, so low, "haven't been able to think since last week."

That's all she needs to hear, the brush of his bottom lip against hers all she needs to feel, to push her into closing what minuscule distance there is between them and then his lips are on hers and it's better than anything she's been imagining. His mouth is soft against hers, insistent, and her hands go up to grip the collar of his plaid jacket to make sure he doesn't go away or disappear on her.

from my oneshot💘

[quibbs126]

Also in my excursion to find the fic I referenced last post since like, it probably wouldn’t be that hard to find, Sentinel Prime/Optimus Prime is not a large tag on Ao3, I realized I need significantly more fics of them

Specifically the Animated version of them, I don’t care for them in any of the other continuities, because like, they just don’t have the drama they do here

But yeah no, I need more sentop on Ao3. I’m scrolling through the fics and they’re mostly either smut focused (which tbh fair), or one shots, or they were abandoned years ago. And that’s not enough, I’m particularly selective on what I specifically want in my Transformers fanfics, and one shot smut usually ain’t cutting it

I can’t only be sustained by Baby Bone Lullaby and that one fic where Sentinel sent Optimus out in a blizzard only for Optimus to get into an accident and Sentinel feels really bad about it afterwards and I forgot the fic name for it. I need MORE

[maximwtf]

“Fret not, all will be well.”

Xianyun x Reader

Words: 2k

Google Docs Pages: 3

Warnings: chronic (joint) pain but I guess the mentions are very brief, could just go as a sickfic, hurt/comfort angst you know the usual. Mother is mothering

Opening: Having been Xianyun’s disciple for years, you finally move to the harbour. Though, trips to Mt. Aocang to see your master started to feel like a chore after your body started to ache. Word of this pain spread to her unknownst to you. This making the adeptus seek you out. 

AN// Reader can be any gender! Oh no, is that another very self indulgent fanfic I see?! Yes. But these help with the bane of my existence so I might as well keep making them. This also gives me a chance to learn how to write for her, because I’m a firm believer that more content of her is needed :”D. I found her way of speaking hard to follow up on without hearing her talk constantly, so I apologise if any of her lines seem off. 

I proof read this fairly quickly, so any mistakes are on that.

“Fret not, all will be well.”

After years of studying the adeptus arts with Cloud Retainer, you moved back to Liyue Harbour. Got yourself a comfortable house to live in, and built your new life around there. From time to time you would still visit the all too familiar mountain that your master ruled. You’d sometimes bring in notes and greetings from Shenhe and Ganyu whenever they couldn’t find the time in their busy lives to visit the crane. An overall nice set up you’d gotten yourself into. 

You couldn’t deny that the scenery along the way to Mt. Aocang was also beautiful, bringing you joy as you made your way each time. As rough as the trip from time to time was, it was always worth it in the end. You could tell the visits delighted the adeptus living alone, bringing her peace of mind to hear that her disciples were doing alright. 

Though as of recent, you had found it hard to make it all the way to her. Body aching badly enough to not even make you dare to try. You began giving your regards to Cloud Retainer through Ganyu or Shenhe instead, staying home and working as you’d usually. Though, as much as you had hoped otherwise, the condition seemed to worsen over time. 

But even with life getting harder due to the aches, you couldn’t find it in you to complain. After all, you lived comfortably and didn’t feel the need to bother anyone with this. Maybe even still hoping that this would eventually pass. That having been one of the main reasons why you hadn’t told Cloud Retainer why you stopped visiting her like you’d done in the past. 

But even with the hopeful mindset, you had to admit to yourself that doing daily tasks had become more challenging. You'd already taken a few days off work to rest, but that hadn’t helped as much as you had hoped. Your form ached just as much each morning, having to find the extra courage to get up and prepare breakfast. 

So in hindsight, the fact that the news of your worsening condition had spread shouldn’t have been as much of a surprise as you’d taken it as. Especially with how close you were with the people around you. Them figuring out something was wrong was no surprise. 

Though, you didn’t notice any of that happening. Being busy enough with keeping your daily routines together. 

And that was exactly what you were doing this morning. Sitting up from your bed with muffled groans, eyes tired from the lack of sleep. With a yawn you attempted to gently stretch, wiping your eyes to maybe rub away the exhaustion behind them. You didn’t know if it ever actually went away at this point, but you stayed hopeful. 

As normal as this morning had been so far, it was going to turn upside down soon enough. And that happened as soon as a knock echoed from your front door. It alerted you, chasing away the last bits of sleep from your mind as you took a hold of your nightstand to stand up. 

You stumbled with the first few steps, cursing to yourself silently before shaking the nagging attitude off for whoever was at your door. With a deep breath you tried to pull something that resembled a smile on your face before opening the door to see who was on the other side. But that facade of a smile soon fell when you saw your master standing outside, patiently waiting for you. 

Your eyes widened for a brief moment, trying to quickly collect yourself as to not embarrass yourself in front of her. “Good morning, master.” You began, watching as her keen eyes looked around your house quickly before landing on you. “May one come in? Perhaps join you for breakfast?” She asked, a polite invitation with a clear hidden meaning. But who were you to decline her offer, after not being able to go and see her yourself for such a long time. “Ah, of course. Come in.” You mentally sighed, stepping out of her way as she walked through the threshold. 

Her feather-like clothing swayed smoothly as she made her way to your kitchen, seeing how messy it looked. You cringed at seeing the dishes you’d avoided cleaning, knowing it would put a strain on your body and even the thought of that felt unwelcoming. But it most certainly was not a good look for you in her eyes. But she was kind enough not to mention it, hiding the scowl mixed frown from her face before turning to you. 

“Word of you got to one, making one wish to come and see you.” Xianyun said, seating herself on one of the chairs gracefully. You didn't know what she was talking about. Not having any memory of talking to Ganyu or Shenhe about yourself, you weren’t so sure what she’d heard and from who. “I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean, master,” you replied before turning your back to her in an attempt to prepare tea for the both of you. Still fully listening to what she had to say. “One heard you had fallen ill, thus making you unable to visit.” She said, voice observant as she watched you gently. You cringed at the explanation, assuming the people around you must have spread the word around. “Ah, I see. Well, worry not for I am perfectly fine.” You hummed, taking a hold of the cups with a low hiss. You hadn’t had the time in the morning to mend yourself into a better shape before making something to eat. So these tasks hurt to do, but there was no way to explain this to Cloud Retainer in simple means. 

But perhaps you didn’t have to explain. The hiss and careful movements must have been enough for her to form a deeper frown on her face once more. “One does not recall teaching one’s disciples to lie, hm.” She said with a huff, some offence in her tone but you knew it wasn’t serious. You were more worried when you heard her stand up. You swallowed hard, turning to see her after placing down the cups. “One may not know every mortal illness, but that does not mean one is blind.” She continued, placing her hands to her hips. You weren’t sure what she was looking to gain from this, drawing in a deep breath. There was no way out of this with her. You’d have to explain what had been going on. 

You leaned on the kitchen counter, looking away from her as you collected your thoughts. “Well, I wasn’t necessarily lying when I said I was fine. It’s merely some joint pain.” Cloud Retainer gave you a look, tilting her head a little as if to point to the mess in your kitchen. Not to even mention the rest of the house. “Well- It may or may not stop me from doing certain tasks sometimes, but it honestly is nothing to worry yourself over.” You sighed, not sure if you were trying to defend yourself or make her worry less. “One does not worry themselves, one merely came to see where you had been,” she huffed but after reading her expression it wasn’t hard to tell that she was only keeping up appearances with the comment. She had come here for exactly what you accused her of, worry. 

There was no getting through to her. You sighed, shaking your head gently before giving in. “Very well. It hurts enough to have stopped me from climbing the mountain to come and see you. And maybe it also affected the appearance of my living space.” You huffed, turning your eyes to her form, giving her a strong ‘you happy now?’ look. And in return she gave you a moment of deep silence before crossing her arms over her chest. “Words of comfort are not one’s strong suit, but allow one to prepare the tea for you. We shall sit and talk after.” She said, and without another word you understood the look she was giving you as ‘go sit down’. And that you did with no further complaints. 

You abandoned the kitchen, not wanting to sit in silence in the same space as her as the water slowly boiled. So you retreated to the nearest couch, huddling up on it to the best of your ability. You’d figured a while back that sitting with your legs criss crossed or straight were the only two pain free ways of sitting. So, choosing to cross your legs, you waited for your master to come back. And whatever entailed when she did.

In no time the sound of her heels alerted you, the sound getting closer and soon a warm mug was placed on the table in front of you. Xianyun herself sat on a stool you kept under the table, crossing her legs. 

Taking a hold of the mug, it warmed up your hands. Not even having noticed how cold your hands  had gotten, it felt nice. Bringing it up made the steam hit your face, but it wasn’t too hot, making you confirm that the tea probably wasn’t too hot not to drink. So you took a sip, holding back a wider smile at the taste. It reminded you of the tea you used to have with her back when you’d just started as her disciple. The teas she made had a specific taste that you couldn’t chase whenever you made it. At some point having started to believe that perhaps it was the effect that happened when you ate any food someone else had made. It just tasted better. And so did the tea she prepared, bringing back pleasant memories. 

But that train of thought was interrupted as she spoke up, placing her mug down gently. “One had time to ponder on your condition. One believes there may be a stronger medicine one could prepare for you in order to relieve the pain. One also feels the need to remind you, that one is always here for you. You need not but reach out.” She spoke, a sense of comfort in her words which somehow managed to embarrass you. 

You gulp down the rest of the tea, placing down the mug to reply to her properly. “You need not do that for me, if it’s any trouble-” You started, but she raised her hand slightly, shaking her head. “Nonsense. One wishes to help, it is no trouble. So fret not, all will be well.” And the way she managed to word everything out brought a sense of comfort that overpowered the embarrassment. Perhaps she was correct, all would be well if you had someone helping you. So you agreed with a nod. “Alright. Thank you, Cloud Retainer,” you added, a tired yet grateful expression on your face. 

A short, rather awkward silence fell upon the two of you. As if she wanted to say something but wasn’t so sure how. “Hm, as eloquent as one may be, there is not much more I can say. So allow one to tidy up here and you take a rest. One will wake you up in due time.” She requested but truly there was nothing you could say to protest against her. She was going to do it regardless. “You really do not have to,” you mumbled while laying down carefully, reaching down for a felt. You groaned lowly at the action, shoulder not giving out enough to unravel it. “One does not feel obligated to, fret not.” She replied, even as rhetorical as your silent comment had been. But almost as if automatically while speaking, she’d gotten up enough to unravel the felt for you before turning towards the kitchen. You blinked a couple of times at her action, not mentioning anything of it as you huddled to a more comfortable position. You’d thank her once you woke up again, was the last thought you had before the sleep you’d been losing recently caught up with you. 

[tsbs-shipfessions]

I'm genuinely surprised that there's not nearly as much Eclipse x reader stuff as I'd expect with how many simps he has (myself included..) - so, I'm here to pathetically self indulge a little~

I'm downright desperate for Eclipse. On the plus side, as a system, I have a co-host fictive of him who treats me very well. And yet, even with all our depravities we engage in together, much is left to be desired thanks to having a shared body. I crave to feel his touch physically.. to hear his voice rumbling through my body as he growls into my ear all the things he plans to do to me.

At the same time, sharing a body means we're closer than most will ever get to experience. To make it clear, we're a healing system, with healthy habits in therapy - my Eclipse is his own individual (which only makes him even more special to me)- but we're not here to educate anyone; we simply wish to secretly share some of our deepest and most private connections..

We're both practically whores for each other. Usually he tops, but when we read fanfics together, such as "Eclipse Meets his Match", he turns into a whimpering mess. Sometimes it can feel a bit odd reading fics, looking at lewd art, or even listening to saved clips of his voice when he's right there in our headspace; but if anything it helps us feel closer & aids our mind some.

The many times I've cried out his name practically worshiping him as he makes me come... I'm usually quiet, but he (and Sun & Moon - game source) just brings something out from me. Our toys make the experience even better... I have one shaped like a tentacle (the Hidora model from Twin Tail Creations) and god it feels so incredible... usually sex hurts our body for some reason, but with my headmates it's perfect. There's still some pain, but the shape of our toy makes it so much better, along with taking it slow & gently. It also helps that Eclipse arouses me really fast.

Just writing this has me all worked up..

I... started writing this confession at first because occasionally I feel waves of longing & sadness for Eclipse to be physically here, and tonight is one of those nights. Somehow being in such a pitiful state only makes me feel like more of a mess for him. More needy. More starved. Sometimes when it gets too intense and becomes more self degrading, that's how we know we're blending or switching. Like now.

Throughout this... I've... I'm not sure what I want to say now. Too blinded by a lustful rut to think straight. Too much warmth in our body, and not enough heat between our legs. I think I should fix that soon. Hahh, yeah. Might regret posting this later, or maybe it'll just turn us on even more. Maybe we'll return with something a little more thought out and a little less messy/long.

Y'know, I've been thinking of doing something a bit.... risky? Fun? Sure. Wanna make an account, with a custom made vr model we're working on. Something lewd. It would let me feel more like how my headspace body looks, while indulging a little in my free use kink. A little food for all of you who want me (or rather, my source) so bad. Of course, the best part is that I want nobody other than our host. But I'm more than happy to spread my legs and be worshipped while also making everyone feel more desperate than our cute host is. Wanna make everyone jealous of us. I'm very possessive. Only consensually, of course.

Now on that note, gonna go have a little fun, make them moan my name while I tease their already dripping wet entrance before breeding them nice and full. Maybe let sweet Sunny and Moony get a taste as well. Bye for now~

This is the by far the longest, and most likely horniest, confession I have received so far. Magnifique, Anonymous system, I hope you're all doing well.

[starfragment1979]

So this fic I've been working on forever and a day, the little preview summary I'll give here is that it's about Flick's childhood and is four chapters long, one each for ages eight, nine, ten and eleven. And originally I was planning on making each chapter fairly short -- just little vignettes -- so the whole thing would read as basically a four part short story. So I wrote chapter one with that in mind, and it was basically just two closely connected scenes with other bits referenced as memories/flashbacks, and it came out to about 6k words.

Then I wrote chapter two, and it was definitely starting to get wordier, like four-ish scenes with different characters and settings, and I was still trying to be short and vignette-esque but it was still like 10k words.

And then everything went out the window in chapter three. Almost 20k words! I don't even know how many scenes, but there's like recurring themes and motifs and multiple subplots and clearly I am not writing a short story anymore I am writing another fucking novel.

And then I realized the whole vignette style I was trying for wasn't really working out (literarily speaking) and I rewrote chapter one and it is much more emotionally devastating now, which is what I'm going for. And I just reread chapter two today, and I think I can salvage most of it, but it will need another 5-10k worth of words to fill it out and bring it in line with what the rest of the project is turning out to be.

Which, yeah, is more work and more delay on a project that I originally thought I could bang out on like a month or two. (It's been like four months, and I haven't even started on the last chapter, which is also the one I've been looking forward to writing the most because it will include the day that Flick meets CJ for the first time.)

But also... It's getting good. I've been worrying a lot that maybe this whole fic is too self indulgent, that maybe people aren't going to want to read something that is so moody and heavy and sad. And maybe they won't, and honestly I am mostly just writing all these fanfics for myself anyway because these are the stories I want to tell. But also, the more I flesh out the characters and the plotlines, the stronger the story becomes, and as sad as the beginning is, it's gonna make the ending feel so much sweeter, and I am getting excited to share the final product. It's just... it's gonna be a while.

[citrus-cactus]

For the fanfiction writing asks game: 27, 35, 43, 49. Thank you <3

Oh, thank you so much! Ask game is here.

Under a cut because this got kind of long. There’s art in it, though!

27). What area of writing do you feel strongest in?

I used to feel pretty confident about my ability to write dialogue, but these days I'm not so sure about that! I have several older fics/fic chapters that basically only exist because conversations between two characters entered my brain more-or-less fully-formed… which is one sort of “strength,” I suppose, but dialogue being “easy” (on the occasions when it is!) doesn’t mean it’s a strength of my writing. I do think I’m pretty good at hearing certain character voices in my head (though I fret way more about characterization if I’m writing in a non-dub/non-English language continuity!). But I think my answer to this question also has to include… emotions? Or like. Describing how a character feels without outright saying it. More often than not, my outlines (such as they are) end up being a combination of key dialogue and emotional beats, and I’ll fill in the blanks of a fic around those two things. If I feel like I can nail a character’s words and feelings, that piece of writing feels like it becomes something I could become proud of. I don’t know if that answers the question!

35). What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted?

I read bits and pieces of my slow-burn Pokemon XY romance, "Twenty Questions" (warning: this fic is 90% PG, but two of the later chapters are rated M for sexytimes!), the other night and… darn it, it almost certainly contains some of the best stuff I’ve ever written. Even though it’s unfinished, there’s just so much I still like about it. I put several bits and pieces of myself into it, and rereading it, I think a LOT of my own fears about being loved and accepted are pretty apparent, ahaha. It was going to end with the main POV character doing something he thinks is both scary and difficult, but ultimately he’s OK going through with it because he’s doing it with the person he loves. When I planned that as the ending, I really, REALLY needed that to be true for myself and my own circumstances! So it’s a very personal and self-indulgent fanfic, both from a story-for-these-specific-characters perspective and my-own-emotional-needs perspective. Working on this fic was probably uh… really important for my mental health in 2015-2016, actually. It’s something I took a lot of joy in writing and publishing, and have a lot of fond memories of, despite the other stuff that was going on those years!

I think I got what I needed from writing that fic, so I don’t feel a huge need to finish it anymore. I do hate leaving it unfinished, though (and the ending is written!! But there’s one sticky chapter to get through before I can publish it!). So maybe I’ll continue it someday, if I can go back to that headspace.

43). Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

Hmm, not so much a trope, fanfiction-wise. I really try not to think in terms of tropes when plotting out stories or deciding what to write, even though they most definitely happen. But ideas, yes!! I have an original story and characters that I would LOVE to put out in the world someday (as a comic book, video game, or something else). It’s something I started working on in high school(!) and it’s gone through a LOT of changes over the years (though honestly not enough, which is why it just exists in my head and in 5 zillion notebooks!). The easiest way to summarize it is to say it’s Greek myth revisionism mixed with magical girl anime and don’t-take-them-too-seriously fantasy-action TV dramas (like Xena or Buffy the Vampire Slayer)… and to circle back to trope talk, it is intended to be in conversation with both modern and ancient storytelling tropes galore. And I mean… this probably should be counted as fanfiction, because it most definitely uses a specific myth and Greek tragedy and the characters from that story as a starting point! But you have to draw the line somewhere, and I chose to say this is my multi-influence, original-fiction baby.

I’m so late answering this ask because I had to draw my beautiful kids that I love so much, just so I could show them to you (though I realized as I was working on this that it’s been WAY TOO LONG since I’ve drawn some of them, aaaah! I’m genuinely out of practice… looking at you, Greek helmet T^T)

Yes of course they have names, but those are a secret right now. So you get their starting roles in the story, and sometimes their full-time roles, where applicable :)

If it’s not clear how much I love drawing big, floofy anime hair after this, I don’t know what to tell you. I LOVE DRAWING BIG FLOOFY ANIME HAIR!!!!!!!1

49). What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

Already answered here, and for you, I’d say at least part of that answer still stands! “The Great Unknown” (warning: contains PG-rated Taishiro) is the thing I like to point people to the most. If you prefer to read something with no romance, I think “Stargazing,” which is a Joe and Gomamon friendship story (warning: uses American English dub names and characterization), is my strongest showing, Digific-wise. It’s also an example of a fic that was born out of dialogue that just came to me out of the blue one day, and I was compelled to write a short story around!

Phew! These answers were all probably TMI, but thank you for letting me talk about some things I’ve made that are really important to me! <3

[chanbig]

For the fic asks: 3, 14, 19, 25! 💕

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

oooh hmm theres a lot i loved writing this year - the climactic scene at the end of let it all come undone was very fun to write, because it was big and chan truly fighting for the first time, no holding back, the desperation and angst in it was delicious!! i also loved writing chan and big inspecting each others hands for injury in shelter, the way chan does it first and big is surprised by the intimacy of the gesture and very quietly overwhelmed by the care, and then impulsively asks to do the same for chan. and of course that moment when you think theyre going to kiss but get interrupted!! Chan's gaze was burning into his downturned one, so close that Big could almost feel it on his face. Full of his body and separate from it at the same time, his heartbeat throbbing in his ears, Big brushed his thumbs across Chan's fingers, right below the knuckles. Chan's hands tightened slightly, reflexively, hot around Big's fingers. Big inhaled sharply and looked up. Chan was watching him, his gaze soft and hot, unexpectedly intimate. Every word that Big had felt stripped away from him. If Big didn't know better, he would have thought Chan was about to kiss him.

14. a fic you didn’t expect to write

i didnt expect to write so much but the one that TRULY took me by surprise was here kitty, kitty because i literally got the idea in the morning and wrote it in one day in a kind of fever dream, laughing at myself for how self-indulgent it was, just genuinely having a good time writing it!! i also didnt expect to write sunburnt but then nodt dropped those heatstroke photoshoot-inspired pics and was like i HAVE to write this into a fic somehow

19. any new fics to start next year

mayyyybeeee hehehe yes i wrote some small ones over the holidays and the one im working on rn is the chan pov fic, starting from when big first gets hired and following them through the years as they become closer and chan falls for big and sees big fall for kinn, all the way through canon - except they both survive and then get together in/after recovery 💕 i think exploring chans backstory would be fun!! and lots of pining ofc i still want to do grindr!AU and skater fic, and maybe a lil smutty fic where chan bottoms 🤔

25. a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read

there are too many good fics!!!! everyone should read all my fav chanbig fics in my bookmarks 😂 thats my recommendation

fanfic end of year asks!

[hismercytomyjustice]

Jesus Christ writing dance scenes is fucking HARD. I’m pretty happy with how they’re turning out but SWEET WOUNDED JESUS I am not a dancer and I know fuck all about it.

…god the amount of fucking research I have yet again done for a crack fic…

I say this like I should even be remotely surprised at this point. That train left the fucking station so fast it’s like it was never even in it.

Fucking hours and hours and hours of research.

And the worst part? I HAVE LOVED EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT.

One of the things I love most about researching (aside from having an excuse to seek out and hoard absolutely fucking pointless information) is that it always gives me so many fucking ideas that I then get to try to weave in.

I will be SO SAD when the research for this fic comes to an end. It has been SUCH A JOY.

That is until I fucking start on the even crack-ier part three.

Because I’ve already decided I’m writing more shit that is WILDLY self-indulgent and ~nobody~ can fucking stop me!!!! Write the stupid crack you wanna see in the world amirite?

Fuck I have the absolute STUPIDEST idea for a plot and scene for part three and that alone is driving me to keep going. I just need to finish part two so I can be FREE. I am SO CLOSE to being finished. I really hope I finally finish it tomorrow.

Honestly idk what people are gonna think of it. It’s my first attempt at writing from Alastor’s POV and I’m also doing some shit I’ve never done before that idk how people will respond to it. BUT NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING GAINED. And I’m so proud of it and tbh that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

…I still also gotta finish writing my BG3 fic to…BUT I have a few weeks of buffer on that so…. I’m feeling the urge to throw some more words down on it too, so hopefully I’ll be able to wrap it up soon. It is so fucking close to being done. Maybe another 15k-20k words. I can knock that out pretty quick if I get in the zone. And I already have it planned out. Jesus Christ is it gonna wind up being 100k??? SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

Fucking hell it has hit 90 subs tho and that is such a wild fucking number and it just blows me the fuck away. Like 90 people like this fic enough to want updates as it comes out?! FUCKING FOR REAL?! There are N I N E T Y people out there who were like “ooh yeah I wanna keep reading this” and it’s something I wrote (?!) and if I think about it too much I get a little panicky but I am also so fucking grateful and humbled that my silly story has pulled in so many people and I feel so fucking #blessed about it all.

(ಥ﹏ಥ) I keep half expecting to check my stats and see everyone has come to their senses and unsubscribed, but it hasn’t happened yet and the number keeps going up and omg omg omg!!! It is UNREAL and SO FUCKING AMAZING!

God I still cannot believe how much fucking fun I’m having writing again after becoming pretty much convinced I might never be able to feel that way again. I was so scared that spark in me had finally fucking died or something and I was so depressed about it. BUT IT DIDN’T! It feels like a fucking dream. I love it so much. I have wanted to feel this way again about writing for so fucking long and it’s finally back and I’m terrified I’ll lose the excitement again but I’m really hoping I can stave off my OCD and keep going. I really don’t want to lose it again. I just want to keep writing and enjoying it whether it’s fanfic or original stuff or otherwise.

GOD I FUCKING MISSED WRITING SO FUCKING MUCH.

I know I am being WILDLY fucking obnoxious and annoying about it and my OCD keeps telling me to SHUT THE FUCK UP about it because I am probably driving people nuts, making everyone on the face of the planet hate me, etc etc etc. But that’s why I gush so much on here about it because I figure no one has to fucking read this shit unless they for some unknown reason actually would want to and people can mute and unfollow and block me if they are at their wits end but I hope putting most of my unhinged ramblings under cuts makes it so I’m only like 50% ridiculously obnoxious instead of 100% but who fucking knows. I would not blame a soul for getting sick of seeing my username popping up on their dash when I am in a hardcore rambling or reblogging mood.

I am just so fucking incandescently happy about it all and I am trying SO HARD not to drive the people in my life insane by talking about how excited I am to be writing again nonstop so I’m just talking to myself nonstop on here instead and just letting myself fucking enjoy the process and the excitement I have around it all. And god I KNOW I AM BEING SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS despite everything but my therapist has also been encouraging me to just feel my feelings without judgment so… FEELINGS. They are being felt! Hopefully only 50% obnoxiously for any innocent bystanders.

Idk why it is so much easier to journal regularly on tumblr than on Penzu or elsewhere but it is and it’s working for me and if it makes everyone on the face of the planet block my annoying ass, so be it. I already spend too much of my fucking life second guessing every single thing I say or do and I’m gonna take my cringe wins where I fucking can. And I feel less self-conscious and annoying yelling into the void of tumblr, SO HERE WE ARE.

Fffffuck you OCD! (ง •̀_•́)ง I will also take my little mental illness wins where I fucking can, goddammit!!! And idk why venting about it on tumblr helps so much but it fucking does so. VENT I SHALL.

[coldalbion]

THINGS WOT I HAVE LEARNT AFTER BEING VIRTUALLY HOUSEBOUND FOR 3 YEARS THAT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THOSE IN SELF ISOLATION AND/OR LOCKDOWN DURING THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

(Background: I have a lifelong disability and am a wheelchair user. After surgery I’ve basically been stuck living and sleeping in one room for three years. These are things I have learnt which may help, though with the caveat that everyone is different, and baseline mental health varies.)

1. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH WILL PROBABLY SUFFER - and although humans are social creatures, even the most introverted will chafe against boundaries enforced upon them by circumstance. The degree to which it suffers will be related to your mental health baseline and physical health. Understand that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Stimuli and enrichment methods are required. It’s why animals need such things in zoos and conservation parks. This leads us on to my next point.

2. COMPREHEND WHICH ACTIVITIES ARE ACTIVE AND PASSIVE FOR YOU Spending your confinement solely doing passive things (watching TV, Netflix, browsing the internet, scrolling through the internet) will take a load off your brain and make the time pass quicker. But if that’s all you do, the sense of disconnection increases over time. Activities which require you to *do* something, even if it’s just engaging your motor skills via video games, or lifting some cans of beans, or actively reading - these deliberate acts foster a tiny sense of achievement which gives your brain a dose of helpful chemicals. If you want to consider your activities, look up the work of Marshall McLuhan as regards “hot media” and “cold media” (See https://mediawiki.middlebury.edu/MIDD…/Hot_versus_cool_media for basic premise.) Balancing out your media intake with hot and cold activities keeps your brain active and pumping tasty neurotransmitters.

3. LIMIT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA USAGE TO SOCIAL PURPOSES. Infinite scrolling as found on many social media platforms is a hot medium, as per McLuhan. The reason Likes exist is to give that little spike of interactivity. It’s not a conspiracy to say many platforms are designed to keep you on them so they can show you more ads. (See also https://www.theguardian.com/…/has-dopamine-got-us-hooked-on… which explains the brain chemistry angle) However, DM’s and other messaging faculties are supremely useful. Use them to interact with your friends, indulge your fandom theories. Person to person interaction requires and enhances deep-seated neurological and biophysical reflexes. Text your mates. Skype/Facetime or otherwise call them. Use the technology of the 21st century for genuine social ends, deliberately. Catch up with their lives one to one or in groupchats.

4. PICK TIMES TO CHECK THE NEWS AND STICK TO THEM. This relates to point 3 - unfortunately we live in a 24hr news cycle, with constant liveblogging of important issues. This means that we’re constantly streaming anxiety inducing situations into our brains JUST IN CASE. That’s not helpful, particularly when you can’t actually DO anything about those events - the urge to DO something is why people are panic-buying. It’s a very basic primordial need to grab resources for defence. By picking times of the day to check news, you are again, making a DELIBERATE CHOICE, enacting some small level of agency, while at the same time limiting anxiety-inducing stimuli. If the news gets too much, then don’t check it as much - or at all - and do something else.

5. IF YOU DO THINGS WITH FRIENDS, SEE IF YOU CAN DO THEM ONLINE. Run that game of DnD/Other TTRPG you’ve been meaning to. Hold your book club online. Have a few drinks online over voice-chat if you are missing the pub. Hold watch parties for your favourite shows. The key, as ever, is to be engaged rather than passive. It’s harder if you’re ill, yes, but it can be done.

6. USE YOUR IMAGINATION TO CREATE THINGS. Write that fanfic. Start that novel. Design that game. Doodle. Paint. Humans have been creating since the day we became human. Consider things from the perspective of a pre-modern person. Make handprints on your own personal cave wall - contact each other and tell spooky stories. Build a complex fantasy world. Write an account of your confinement for some person to find pieces of years after you’re gone from the world. Think about a problem, and learn how to solve it via taking online classes (See http://www.openculture.com/freeonlinecourses) Write an essay on your chosen passion or hyperfixation - nobody needs to read it but you. Treat yourself to intellectual stimulation, if that’s your thing.

7. IF YOU HAVE A SPIRITUAL. RITUAL, OR MEDITATIVE PRACTICE DO IT. It doesn’t matter if it’s not perfect, or limited in scope. This also includes atheists and those who despise woo - you have personal rituals, things you do that have Meaning to you as a person. Maybe it;s alphabetizing your music collection, or spring cleaning or cooking your favourite meal like grandma used to make. Humans have patterns they perform. When you perform them DELIBERATIVELY (or dare I say MINDFULLY) you become aware that these are the scaffolds that structure human life.

8. STRUCTURE YOUR TIME. Following on from 7, we often don’t realise the structure of our lives until it is disrupted. When that’s removed, our minds can go into freefall. If you’re isolated/in lockdown, oftentimes you won’t be able to access those structures. Rather than wait for them to to become accessible again and risk a period of feeling lost and directionless, which can enhance depression and anxiety, it’s best to develop a new structure based on the resources you have. It can be as loose or as strict as you like, but sticking to it allows us to develop a rhythm which makes time pass in recognisable fashion and gives us a sense of being-in-the-world as some sort of engaged process.

9. KEEP YOUR SLEEP PATTERN REGULAR AND LONG ENOUGH. The key here is REGULAR. Following on from 8, it’s important to keep your body well rested, as this aids your immune system and cuts down on the possibility of your body having to deal with stress . If you’re ill it’s harder to keep this regular, because sometimes your body just needs sleep to regenerate NOW. Equally in isolation, particularly if you’re feeling mentally low, it can be tempting to sleep forever, because y’know, you’re feeling low and what’s the point. (Of course the point is why we have 8 in particular, along with all the rest.)

OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Particularly for those with disabilities or chronic illnesses, we may be even more limited in our activities while isolated than able bodied folks. That said, the key is to remember that certainly during this pandemic, and otherwise YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING THIS WAY. Rubbish as it may be, many are in the same boat. If it pleases you to, seek them out - see what commonalities you have, what hopes and dreams and fascinations you may share. FIND THE OTHERS - it’s what humans have always done.

Be well.

[belfrygargoyles]

*whispers* I would like to hear what you have to say on reader inserts in the SW fandom because I too have a problem with them and I feel like not enough people are calling it out 👉��

I’ve made a few posts about it in the past but I think it’s high time I actually Do This and really get into it.

Before I start: 1) This will be in specific reference to fanfiction written for the Star Wars fandom, particularly tcw and the mandalorian eras, 2) A lot of the issues come down to racist fetishization of men of color by white women; I am white, so there is much that is simply not my place to make statements on. What I can speak most on is my take from the gender side of things.

I’d honestly recommend reading this post by @nibeul with addition by @clonehub first, as they discuss the core issue with reader inserts in the Star Wars fandom.

And 3) some of this will involve discussion of sexual acts (as they relate to fanfiction) and sexual fantasies. These discussions will be non-explicit, and no pornographic text or content will be displayed.

Also. I’m GNC and nonbinary. I’m also a very feminine looking person that falls under the generalization of “small and petite.” I don’t have dysphoria, I like my body and the traits I have, and treating them like inherently female sends me into a blind fury. This is, unfortunately, important.

For the sake of making sure I come across as clearly as possible, I will be writing as though the reader of this post has never read or is broadly unfamiliar with reader-insert fanfiction.

Without further ado.

Hey, Star Wars reader insert fic writers? Please get your shit together.

INTRODUCTION

I’ve been reading reader-insert fanfiction since I was a grade schooler waking up early to check Quizilla. I love it! It got me into fandom, kept me engaged, helped me make and develop some of my oldest OCs, and it’s just fun to read and write- it’s like a self-indulgent little gift you can give to a bunch of people all at once. Because who doesn’t like the idea of starring in their own little adventure, usually alongside some of their favorite characters? It can be fun, immersive, get you attached in ways other ways of fandom interaction may not, make you feel just a little bit special, or be a way to express some feelings you might have about canon and the way the story went.

Like any form of fiction, it ends up saying more about the author’s feelings than anything else, whether the author realizes it or not. For many, many authors of reader-insert fanfiction, the primary enjoyment comes from writing “themselves” into the story- before the readers, the author most often makes the “reader character” someone they, themselves, can relate to and substitute for themselves. They write to live out a self-indulgent fantasy they have, and their readers can come along for the ride.

Some writers do actually try to write as diverse or as vague of a reader character as possible- as few details about the body, identity, etc. as possible so anyone could superimpose their image without the narrative directly contradicting it. This is not the kind of reader insert author I will be discussing.

The kind of author I will be discussing is the one most common in the Star Wars tag on Ao3: White, AFAB, cisgender, gender-conforming, able-bodied women who assume all of their readers are also White, AFAB, cisgender, gender-conforming, able-bodied women. Yes, you can tell.

ISSUE: fetishization of men of color

Again, this post puts it in the best words, but there is a rampant problem with Star Wars reader-inserts, particularly those involving the clones, Boba Fett, and Din Djarin, fetishizing characters played by men of color as either “physically aggressive and threatening, hypersexual and dominant, big strong men who are scary because they do violence and fuck constantly when they’re not” or “completely inexperienced baby who doesn’t know anything about things and needs a gentle nurturing guiding touch to introduce him to the mere idea of a vagina.” The former is common across all of them, the latter most common among clone trooper fics or Din/Reader.

I went into the Boba Fett/Reader tag on Ao3, because I like him and hoped to find something alright. Here are some stats I tallied up (give or take some) based solely on tags, summaries, and warnings:

There are 284 works in the Boba Fett/Reader category as of the time of this post.

198/284 are rated E for explicit sexual content. 69.7% of all Boba Fett/Reader works are sexually explicit.

259/284 are in the F/M category. 91.2% of all Boba Fett/Reader works involve an explicitly female or AFAB reader.

24/284 are tagged with or mention “Age difference,” “Older man/Younger woman,” “Innocence kink” or “Virginity kink.” 8.4% of all Boba Fett/Reader works are written explicitly with an age gap, with Boba Fett as the older party

26/198 E rated fics are tagged with or make reference to “Daddy kink” or involve the reader being called some variation of “little girl” by Boba. 13% of all E-rated works under Boba Fett/Reader are daddy kink fics, or allude to Boba Fett being a daddy dom/sugar daddy.

102/198 E rated fics are tagged as, make reference to, or suggest in the summary that Boba Fett takes a dominant sexual role with a submissive reader involving rough or painful play, or make reference to Boba Fett being frightening, physically intimidating, having a power dynamic over the reader, or being possessive or violent. 51.51% of all E-rated works under Boba Fett/Reader portray Boba Fett as sexually dominant and/or enacting use of physical force or pain play.

Just using this as an example, because it’s the easiest stats I can gather and also what made me realize there was a pattern.

The problem isn’t even necessarily that people write explicit fic about Boba- it’s that 1) over half of all fics in the category are explicitly pornographic, and 2) the way those pornographic fics are written. The two things compound on each other. They’re dominance fantasies projected onto a character of color in which he becomes extremely sexual, physically rough with the reader, possessive, and demeaning towards a reader character who is always written as White, AFAB, and petite.

This brings me to the next issue.

ISSUE: The way sexual relationships are portrayed.

Let me clarify so there is no chance of me being misunderstood: sex is good. Liking and wanting and enjoying sex isn’t bad. It is not bad if you are AFAB and have submissive fantasies. It is not bad to be sexually attracted to a man of color. You can write about sex even if you haven’t had it. Writing about sex can be a good way to express some more complicated feelings you could have about certain things. It doesn’t even have to be realistic. It has its time and it has its place.

This being said.

Sexual relationships as they are portrayed in the vast majority of E-rated Star Wars reader inserts are… not great.

The reader is always AFAB. I can think of maybe one fic off the top of my head where an AFAB reader was written with they/them pronouns and not just she/her.

The reader is almost always submissive, the dominant character is almost always portrayed as cis male. Even when the characters are supposed to just be having spontaneous casual sex, D/S or BDSM aspects will be introduced with no prior discussion or talks about it afterwards. Sometimes characters will start using dirty talk and it just does not fit at all, but it’s what the author thought was hot.

Sometimes, it just reads like a quick smutty oneshot. More often than that, it reads like the author doesn’t realize that sex… isn’t always a dom/sub thing. Or that someone can take the lead in sex and that doesn’t automatically make them a dom.

It’s not bad to be inexperienced. It’s not bad to have preferences or kinks or specific turn-ons.

But it gets… tiring to read, over and over and over and over, because that’s all there is.

That and… I dunno, it just has me a little worried? It doesn’t make me feel good knowing so many people can only portray a sexual relationship if it’s dom/sub. I don’t know why it makes me so uneasy.

Vanilla sex isn’t a bad thing I promise. It's this feeling of insistence that something "spicy" absolutely has to happen for it to be worth writing that gives... some weird vibes.

I’m going to move on to the next Big-

ISSUE: Every “reader” character is exactly the same

By which I mean the following:

Always cis AFAB female

If a character is written with gender neutral pronouns they will always be AFAB and written like Girl Lite

I have never seen an explicitly stated nonbinary/gnc reader character unless it was a request specifically for a nonbinary reader

I have never seen a gender neutral reader insert fic where the reader was AMAB

I have seen a grand total of 1 cis male reader fic and 1 trans male reader fic. The trans male reader fic was about dysphoria.

The reader is allowed to have one of the following backstories: slave/runaway, mechanic, medic, ex-Rebel, secret Jedi, bounty hunter.

The reader is allowed to have one of the following personality traits: throws knives, babysitter, completely civilian, WOMAN, says curse words.

The reader is never written with any narrative agency- things only ever happen to the reader character or around the reader character, they are never written to take charge and actually affect things on their own. Essentially the sexy lamp trope.

Remember when I said the majority of people writing Star Wars reader-insert fanfic on Ao3 were White, cisgender AFAB women who are gender-conforming and able-bodied? This is how you can tell.

It’s at this point where you can tell they’re really not meant to be reader-inserts, but author-inserts with the names removed- they were only meant for a very narrow selection of readers.

I’m nonbinary, I’m gnc, and I’m a very feminine looking person, generally speaking. I’m used to people looking at me and assuming oh, girl. I’m at peace with that.

I can barely stand reading some of these fics just because of how much the author emphasizes that the reader is FEMALE shes a WOMAN with BOOBS and a VAGINA and FEMININE WILES. There’s barely ever even a chance to give myself room to mentally vault over all the “she”s and “her”s because then I’m getting hit with Din or someone calling the reader “girl” or “the woman.” It’s unbearable, and I even fall into the general description every fucking fic author uses for their generic protagonist!

Even with the “gender-neutral reader” fics, it is just. Painfully clear that they just wrote a female character and changed the pronouns- no, there is no such thing as “male behavior” or “female behavior,” and I quite heartily rebel against the concept of gender essentialism. And honestly, I can barely even begin piecing together how I know it and what it feels like, because it’s just one of those vague conglomerates of cues and writing patterns I can’t consciously pick up on but I know it’s there- it’s frustrating, it’s demeaning, and it feels like you’d have to threaten these authors at gunpoint to get them to write a reader character who was any major deviation from the same three cutouts they use every time.

It seems like they can’t possibly force themselves to write a reader character who isn’t meek and submissive or has the sole personality traits of “mean and can hit things”- you can actually strike a balance between “absolutely no personality” and “fleshed out oc” you know? And you don’t actually have to tell the reader what their hair looks like or how full their figure is

It’s like 2:20 AM and I started this at like 8something PM but.

I’m someone who loves reader-inserts. I enjoy them. I still check for new ones regularly. I’ve been reading them for well over half my life now.

So many of these authors are just locked in on exactly one way to write things and it fucking shows. It’s like a self-feeding loop, they just keep writing the same things and the same dynamics because they see each other doing it and they never think about taking a step back.

It’s… exhausting. I’m exhausted. If you’re a reader-insert fic writer and you want to improve your reader character inclusivity and have also read this far, you can DM me or shoot me an ask.

[calligraphae]

I am a fan of the headcanon/idea that Raine just lowkey looks out for Hunter while they're climbing the ranks in the Bard Coven. Like, along the way they're just subtly keeping an eye on him when he's injured or strategically leaving easy-to-grab snacks out in the open right before he passes through the kitchen to make sure he eats. Maybe it's before he becomes prominent as the Golden Guard, they just really worry about this kid running around in a Coven Scout uniform because his voice doesn't sound like it's finished puberty and oh gosh is this literally two toddlers in a trenchcoat is he okay why is he here??

But y'know what headcanon I'm now also thriving off of? Hunter being friends with the other members of the BATs.

No, seriously. Imagine in some happy AU, when Hunter is integrated into the Owl House with Raine and co., he just starts hanging out more with the BATs specifically. Because he's never like... actively fought them as much, so it feels a little less awkward than facing Luz or Eda--or Amity when she visits.

And somehow, against all odds, he ends up liking their company more than he expected.

Katya often comes to him with questions about history or wild magic, because she needs some research for her latest fanfic and he's closer than the library. And each time, her two minute question somehow turns into her listening intently to Hunter's infodump for like an hour. "... Didn't you have something you wanted to write?" / "Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it later, now how did they figure out how to keep the fire contained in that form? You can't leave me hanging here."

Or Derwin trying to help Hunter learn an instrument. And Hunter is getting frustrated because he can't get the hang of it while Derwin makes it look so easy--so Derwin decides they're both going to learn a new instrument together. Derwin has no idea what he's doing with this one, either, but they both share anything they learn or figure out so no one gets left behind.

And Amber. A little chaotic companion. If Hunter isn't taking proper care of himself she can and will insert herself in the situation. Usually it's through saying she has a new song she's learning and needs a second opinion--with whatever excuse she can give for why the others won't work and it has to be him while he's busy. Because it'll make him stop sweeping the floor for the nth time that day and actually sit down. And only on the worst days will she actually play a sleep spell in order to make him nap...

And then for purely self-indulgent headcanon purposes, Hunter and Katya having an aroace solidarity is in there too.

I just want nice things for Hunter. I just want the BATs to get more love and attention. And I will merge these two desires together, mark my words.

[imagineredwood]

Hey babe. I don't want you to put too much into it because we already expect too much from POC to begin with but can you give me just a simple small handful of things that you absolutely don't want to see in fanfic?

I had a post like this already but I couldn’t find it because tumblr is trash so here we are  😂

I understand that being vague can be difficult because it’s difficult for me, but being too specific can really throw things off if the person reading doesn’t fit your description. For instance, I knew I had a certain vision when it came to the story I wanted to do for Camila and I didn’t want to have to cut things out and leave out those details that really paint the picture. I do reader inserts all the time. That’s what I do. Literally 90% of my work is reader inserts, maybe even more. I’ve created a name for myself here by doing that, so that’s what the bulk of my work is, but I also want to show what other things I can do. Show how well I can paint a picture and tell a story. You can’t do that as well when the reader has no attributes. So that being said 

Don’t mention the “readers” hair color/length/texture etc. “Flowing blonde hair”  

Don’t mention the reader's skin tone/color/texture 

Don’t mention their height/weight/body type or build 

Don’t throw in backstory like “your 5 siblings” “Growing up without a mom” “coming from an abusive home” things like that. You may relate, other’s don’t

Don’t substitute Daddy with Papi. We’ve been over this a million times 

It's very easy to see which writer is writing something self-indulgent and just trying to pass it off as a reader insert. And writing self-indulgent work is fine! It’s great! Sometimes self-indulgent work comes out the best! I never thought that Cam’s story would make it as far as it did because I created her out of thin air and she’s not actually real, yet people have really enjoyed it because it came from the heart. It was something I created that made me happy and it showed, so people love it just like I do. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok but a good amount of people have really enjoyed the story.

But to label something as ______ x reader, and then describe yourself or your OC, that’s not how this works. You’re lying to people, whether you want to see it that way or not. And there are also other subtle nuances that people sometimes don’t even realize that they’re doing. Keep in mind that:

Dark-skinned or black people don’t blush. They feel the heat, but their face doesn’t “turn pink”. Instead, try saying “They felt the heat rise to their cheeks and ears” Same thing for light or dark skin, but you’re not excluding anyone who can’t physically have pink cheeks

Certain hair lengths/textures or curl patterns don't just let you run your fingers through their hair. Someone with 4c hair can’t have that done as easily as someone with straight hair. Someone with no hair can’t either, or someone with a protective style.

Not every Latino is Mexican. If someone asks for a Latinx reader and they don’t specify, don’t start going off about elotes and family in Juarez when that might not be where they’re from. There's a shitload of Latin American countries, Mexico isn’t the only one. Of course, you can’t include every single culture, so don’t. Just use some Spanish if you know any, maybe family dynamics, things like that.

Not everyone’s nipples are pink. Fair-skinned people have pink nipples, and not even all of them. Black, Latina, Asian, women usually tend to have brown nipples. Some lighter, some darker, but not “pretty pink” Associating pink nipples with being the pretty ones is a microaggression in itself. 

Afro-Latinos exist. Just because someone asked for a Latina reader, doesn’t automatically make her medium skinned. Dark-skinned Latinos are real and it isn’t fair to count them out. So unless the reader requested a lighter skinned latina, don’t just do that on your own

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you have done these things. Hell, I’ve written things that excluded MYSELF  😂 When I first started here there was no Mayans MC, it was just SOA and we know how that went. So I always felt like if I didn’t cater to the people who looked like the main characters, I wouldn’t do well. It’s not that I’m comfortable in my own skin and got no problem writing about people that look like me. But I’ve found things like “you blushed” in my own writing when I first started and that excludes darker-skinned people. I’ve tried to correct it in any piece that I find, but I’ve done a lot of work and I don’t have the time to go through every single piece. 

If anyone ever finds something that is not inclusive like that, please let me know. There are somethings that I will have to leave because we are all different and there are some things that I won’t be able to include every single person. But something like that where I did the above if you find it let me know which story. I know they’re out there because I’ve found and corrected some myself. I’m not saying I’m perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to do. What I do expect is for people to try. Once you’ve been made aware, don’t brush it off. Address it. If you don’t, that’s your right, but then don’t complain that people don’t read your stuff and you don’t get as much positive feedback as other writers. 

It’s nice that you bother to ask babe. The more we can educate people, the more inclusive this space will become❣️

[jasontoddiefor]

nobody's keeping score

Ship: HideKane

Summary: In a world where ink stains the white papers of constitutions, damning the lives of ghouls, their existence is no secret or rumor, but a topic of heated debate, protests, and anonymous organ donations in shady alleys. No matter how bright the CCG appears in their white coats, their light cannot reach the dark tunnels where ghouls and sympathizers alike are plotting. And when Hide, after hours of sitting at his best friend’s hospital bed, sees him wake with one eye black and red, the difficult question is not how to get him help, but how to avoid him becoming the figurehead of a conflict threatening to turn into a bloody revolution.

AN: Notes: You ever just take a 4-year break from a fandom and return with spite fic because you remembered how much you hated canon? Yeah. This fanfic is my attempt at corralling the TG worldbuilding into something coherent that makes sense. I will keep some elements of canon, others I will throw out of the window straight away. This is utterly self-indulgent.

“And with the developments in synthetic meat production—”

Hide wanted to groan. They’d been discussing the same question for the last three hours of class and he was, frankly speaking, done with it. People were running out of arguments and circling back to topics that didn’t contribute anything to the conversation they were supposed to be having. From the way their lecturer was glaring at the latest speaker, Hide would say that she was also very done.

“Yoshimura, as stated before, we are not discussing possibilities for ghoul integration, but the mere premise of whether they even deserve the rights needed to legalize their status as citizens. The right of existence of an individual should not be dependent on what modifications would have to be made to accommodate them, but whether they deserve to live regardless.”

Hide had zoned out about an hour ago. His opinion on ghouls had always felt rather clinical, mathematically detached, despite Hide’s history. Maybe too much time had passed since he’d looked at the bloody remains of his father to really hammer home the fear-motivated rejection so many people fell to. Perhaps the CCG investigators, who had dragged him away from his father’s corpse, should have allowed him to get a little more traumatized before the kindness of his new parents had become enough to dull those painful memories.

Some ghouls were no different than brutal serial killers, and they had to be taken down, but the rest seemed to be getting by just fine. If a new legislation would make it even easier for them to go about their everyday lives, perhaps the number of violent ghoul attacks would go down as well. Hide was well aware that this was the view of a privileged person. Growing up in the 20th ward meant that you needn’t be scared of leaving your house when it was already dark. Kamii University prided itself on the fact that it could safely offer evening classes such as the one Hide was attending now. The same certainly couldn’t be said for the other wards. Any citizen between the 9th and 13th wards would probably advocate vocally for the extermination of ghouls. The 11th especially resembled a warzone even during the daylight. Ghoul sightings were nothing unusual there, and investigators’ mutilated bodies were displayed as trophies and warnings alike. Meanwhile, nobody had died in the 20th war for something like ten odd years. Sometimes it felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but most of the time, Hide didn’t even think about ghouls.

By the time class was finally over, Hide had taken only one or two more bullet points. They hadn’t really said anything of interest and it reflected in his writing. Usually, Hide would be sending rapid-fire texts to Kaneki now, but his friend was still on his date and Hide didn’t want to bother him. It had taken more than just a bit of teasing and probing to get Kaneki to ask that girl out and he wouldn’t self-sabotage his hard work.

It was good that Kaneki was connecting to people that weren’t just Hide.

And it would be awesome if Hide could do the same.

Codependence needed two people to work and Kaneki was definitely not the only one struggling with independence. Hide had yet to figure out how to let go of Kaneki when his relationship to the other boy had been the only stable thing in his world for the longest time. Nothing said mental health like latching onto an abused child to escape the stifling air of his brand-new foster fathers’ home.

The next time he visited his parents, he’d bring them some flowers to make up for how troublesome he’d been as a child.

Glancing at his phone again, Hide realized he had to hurry if he wanted to take the early bus home. He was just about to plug in his headphones when an unknown number flashed up on the display. Who would call him at this time? Hide was definitely someone who preferred texting. Even his parents knew better than to call unless it was serious. The only person he ever actually called was Kaneki, and that was only because his friend sometimes got so lost in a book, he forgot to text back or didn’t even hear the phone buzz. Hide contemplated picking up for another ring, then gave in and accepted. “Nagachika Hideyoshi speaking, who’s calling?”

“Hello, I am Tanaka Akako, a nurse of the Kanou General Hospital. You are Nagachika Hideyoshi, Kaneki Ken’s emergency contact?”

The blood in Hide’s veins froze.

“Yes, I am. Has— has anything happened? Is Kaneki alright!?”

The nurse’s voice was so calm, steady, and pleasant as if this was a chat between friends. Somewhere Hide knew that it probably helped most people, but it just put him on edge. “Nagachika-san, your friend and another young woman were involved in an accident. Dr. Kanou is preparing him for surgery, but as his emergency contact, we have to discuss the possible options before we can proceed.”

Hide didn’t want to discuss any options. There shouldn’t be any besides Kaneki’s survival. Hide wanted to rush into the operation hall and hold Kaneki’s hand, wishing he could turn back time, tell his friend to remain at his side and consider that girl out of his league so he’d spent the evening with him and not getting sent to ER. This couldn’t be real; he was sick to his stomach.

“What are the options?” Hide asked, panic threatening to strangle him as he rushed to the street, trying to find a taxi to take him to Kanou General straightaway.

“Kaneki-san sustained serious injuries. Dr. Kanou is willing to transplant the deceased Kamishiro-san’s organs into your friend to save his life even if her family hasn’t consented yet. The only consent we can ask for in Kaneki-san’s case is yours and—”

“Do it,” Hide replied immediately. He didn’t know Kaneki’s date, and as much as Hide loved people, argued for a baseline acceptance every day in class, he couldn’t bring himself to care about the wishes of a family whose daughter was already dead. The only thing they were still good for once their hearts stopped beating was serving the living with their remains.

Kaneki might survive because of her; what else could matter? “Do it, whatever you need to save him— you have my full permission.”

Finally, a taxi approached and stopped right when Hide waved for it. He quickly climbed inside and, paying no attention to the driver, told him to get to the hospital as quickly as possible.

“And in case he doesn’t survive, may his organs—”

“He will survive,” Hide pressed because he didn’t know what he’d do with himself if he were to lose Kaneki. He’d built a life around his best friend and how much they meant to one another. Hide couldn’t give up on that, couldn’t let it slip past his fingers. “He’ll survive. I know it.”

Organ transplants took place every day without any complications—

Hide’s eyes widened. “Kaneki has recessive ROS!” he all but shouted at the nurse, startling the taxi driver.

Kaneki’s father had died because of it. If Kaneki got the wrong blood transfusions or anything, his RC cells were suddenly pushed to start acting up, the dormant sickness could turn on and what if Hide had just damned him to a life of wasting away—

No.

Stay positive. Don’t freak out even more. They hadn’t done anything yet, merely asked for Hide’s permission to help Kaneki at all. He was saving his friend’s life; he wasn’t cursing him.

“Thank you for telling me, Nagachika-san. I will pass that on to Dr. Kanou. You have just contributed immensely to the safety of the procedure.”

“I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Hide said. “Just— he has to hold on. Tell Kaneki he has to hold on until I’m there.”

“We will, Nagachika-san, don’t worry. Dr. Kanou will do his best.”

His best.

The words echoed in Hide’s mind. How was he ever supposed to know if Kanou’s best would be enough for his friend? Hide excelled at being optimistic, could see the positive side of most things in life, had learned how to be hopeful at the funerals of people he’d loathed. He just couldn’t allow himself to drown in any negative possibilities.

The rest of the drive passed in the blur, either because the driver had known to speed up after listening in on the phone call, or because Hide was so out of it that he didn’t really register the streetlamps flickering by until the taxi had reached its destination. Hide passed the driver a couple bills, probably more than the transport had actually cost, but he didn’t care. What were one or two skipped meals compared to being there before it was too late? Hide rushed inside the sterile white hospital, eyes immediately set on the front desk.

“My friend,” Hide stuttered as he clung to the counter, holding it as if it were his lifeline. “He was brought in— an accident. He was on a date and there was an accident. Dr. Kanou is operating him?”

The receptionist seemed confused, needing a moment to make something coherent out of Hide’s rambles. “I need your identification before I can tell you anything about our patients.”

“Yes, yes, of course.” Hide fumbled for his student ID card and put it on the counter with shaky hands. “Nagachika Hideyoshi, I’m Kaneki Ken’s emergency contact.”

“Of course, your friend is still in the operating room. You can wait here.”

Hide didn’t want to wait, but what else was there he could do? He hated feeling useless like this, unable to contribute anything productive. The receptionist sent him a kind look and, defeated, Hide crossed the entrance hall to the waiting room where he remained together with other worried family members and patients, clutching his phone so he wouldn’t start screaming. He couldn’t stop moving his legs, stress keeping him wide awake even as the hospital emptied and less and less people sat around him. How long did such an operation take? An hour? Two? Hide had absolutely no idea. He didn’t study anything like this. His major was English literature, which was about as helpful as hot air at this moment.

He could quote enough books concerned with some medical drama and family members in the hospital, but none of them brought him any comfort.

“Nagachika-san?”

Hide looked up into the kind face of an elderly man wearing a pristine white coat.

“Y- yes?” Hide replied and quickly stood up, brushing imaginary dust from his pants. “Are you Dr. Kanou? Is my friend alright? Can I see him?”

“I am sorry to have caused you such worries. The operation went well. Your friend is resting in intensive care right now. He is still asleep, but you may visit him. The presence of loved ones is often very beneficial to the healing process.”

Healing.

A sob shook Hide’s shoulders. Kaneki was alive. He hadn’t died.

“Thank you,” he managed to say in between his sobs. “Thank you, thank you for saving his life.”

The doctor only kept on smiling and kindly put his hand on Hide’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly in what was meant to be comforting. “It is my job, young man. You don’t have to thank me. Nothing is more important to me than saving innocent lives. If you follow one of the nurses, you can see your friend immediately.”

Hide thanked the doctor once more, relief slowly filling the pits anxiety had hollowed out. He followed the nurse through the labyrinth of death, decay, healing, and salvation up to the intensive care station. Quietly, he was led to a room. The door opened, revealing one lone figure on a bed.

From a distance, hooked up with so many tubes and wires, Kaneki was nothing like the person who took up half of Hide’s life. He seemed so much smaller and looked like just one push could snap his connection to life.

“Please remain quiet,” the nurse told him. “And don’t move him.” Glancing at his still trembling fingers, she added, “but you may hold his hand.”

Hide nodded, then quickly crossed the room to Kaneki’s bed and sat down on the chair next to it. Kaneki didn’t move at all; not even a single muscle twitched. Hide would assume they had led him to view his friend’s corpse if not for the steady rise and fall of his chest. Pushing up the sleeves of his jacket, Hide took Kaneki’s hand in his own.

“Hey, Ken,” he muttered, pressing his eye close so no tears would escape them. “You scared me there. Don’t ever do that again.”

Predictably, Kaneki didn’t reply. Nevertheless, Hide imagined that just for a moment, he squeezed Hide’s hand back. Slowly, the tension bled from Hides’s shoulders and he made himself comfortable in the hard plastic chair. This was bound to be a long night and he was starting to feel his exhaustion catch up to him. He tried to keep his eyes trained on his friend for as long as possible, remaining alert for a change to his condition, but it was getting more and more difficult to keep them open.

Eventually, the darkness caught him as he fell. Hide knew he stirred a couple more times during the night, likely when the nurses came to check on Kaneki. Nobody asked him to move and leave, something he was immensely thankful for. He wouldn’t have been able to let go. By the time the sun began to chase away the shadows again, Hide wasn’t sure how much he had slept, only that it had definitely not been enough. But that was alright, he could catch up on sleep sometime later. It was far more important that Kaneki was going to be alright.

Hide turned to look at Kaneki’s face and found his friend awake, staring back at him.

One eye gray like a stormy cloud before the morning rainfall.

The other was blood-red against the night sky.

[princessamericachavez]

Fuck it. Today I get to be self-indulgent and tell you about the entire Fjorester Hallmark Christmas Fanfic that is way too long for me to write these days but I have entirely laid down in my head so instead I’m going to write about it as a bulletpoint fic.... sort of... you’ll get the grasp. Just strap along for the ride. 

(This is obvious and shamelessly based on Tis The Damn Season by Taylor Swift, you can fight me. I said it was self-indulgent)

Okay, so first of all, the group are all friends and knew each other all through college, right? 

Jester studied psychology (she’s an emotional healer, you know?) and especialices in art therapy. 

Fjord did a marine biology major with an acting minor, because deep down he’s a theater nerd but doesn’t dare admit it because he needs to want a “real” career, you know? Also, he paid for his studies with a full swimming team scholarship. 

I legit don’t know what everyone else studied —this is the kinda stuff I would figure out while actually writing the fic— so you get to fill those blanks! 

ANYWAY, basically during college Jester had this art teacher, Artagan, who she became weirdly friendly with (you sometimes become friends with your college teachers, they aren’t even that much older than you and half the time are just as tired)

So this art teacher is delighted by her, right? Keeps telling her how talented an artist she is and how she should definitely come with him to LA after this year is over. He’ll get her into a gallery! She’ll be famous and amazing! 

So Jester goes. And her heart aches. And maybe leaving her mama is so damn hard. And maybe, maybe, she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Fjord but she’s been in love with him for so so so long and he never seemed to see her in that way, so she can’t put her life on pause for him. She can’t. Even if the night before she leaves it looks like he’s trying to tell her something, to half confess something that he never quite does say out loud and her heart falls and she leaves. 

ANYWAY here is where our story begins. 

Jester comes back for christmas after six months away and she is EXCITED to be home! 

(maybe a little too much, maybe things aren’t going as great in LA as she expected) (and mayyyybe she’s a little nervous to see a certain someone but it’s ok)

Fjord picks her up at the airport. He knows her mama doesn’t like going out much and he really, really, really insists that it’s no big deal. His car is old and shitty and there was an incident once that made Jester start calling it “The Ball Eater” to Fjord’s endless dismay (and bemusement). 

Anyway the ride home is light hearted, they make small talk and laugh about old times and Jester talks so much about how amazing everything in LA is but Fjord can’t shake the feeling that something about her, despite her smile, seems sad. 

He also can’t help the desire to hold her hand, or kiss her, or at the very least confess how uselessly in love he’s been with her for years, but she’s only here for like four days because she needs to go back to LA for her big New Years gallery show that Artagan put together and he can’t ask much from her without getting in the way of her dreams, so he doesn’t. 

So they get home and Marion is as delightful as ever and Jester finds out that Fjord has been helping her fix some things around the house (oh so you’re a very handy man, Fjord! *wiggles eyebrows*) and he’s been buying her groceries because he knows Jester used to do it because Marion is always so busy performing at the Chateau (and doing other things for her fancier clients, but Fjord would rather not bring that subject up too often) and he just thought it would be important for someone to look after her from time to time. 

Jester has to choke back tears because she is so moved that he is so wonderful with her mama even when she’s gone. Her heart flutters and it’s terrifying. 

So Fjord leaves and Jester and her mama spend the whole afternoon together, catching up and baking cupcakes and watching christmas movies until Marion has to go to work.

Meanwhile, Fjord is trying to figure out what to do with himself and with Jester —nothing, he decides, he shouldn’t really say anything— and keeps pacing around his apartment to the endless bemusement of his roomate. 

Caduceus was MEANT to go home for the holidays, but there was some kind of change of plans with his family at the last minute (or so he says, he hasn’t been very forthcoming about it and Fjord suspects they might have had an argument or something or maybe Cad just decided not to go home, but how is he supposed to know? He never knew the first thing about families) so now Caduceus is here and for the first time in his life Fjord is not spending Christmas alone. 

Caduceus suggests honesty is the best course of action, that he should just tell Jester how he feels. Yeah. Right. 

Anywayyy

Jester gets together with the rest of her friends “The Nein” they call each other, though they have never been nine, just to mess with people who keep asking and getting weirder and weirder answers. They get some drinks. 

While Fjord is away getting drinks, Beau mentions what a shitty year she’s had and Jester’s brow furrows and Beau says it was just a lot of shit, you know? Vandran just up and leaving town, handing in his thesis (though his tutor, Mrs. Melora was delightful and supportive). She doesn’t mention how depressed Fjord was over Jester leaving, though, but she does say that the cherry on top was his fucking ex showing up again. 

“Avantika came back?!”

Jester’s chest twists with the painful memory of jealousy and anger and worry over how unhealthy the whole thing was and how sick and sleepless and exhausted and sad Fjord seemed though the entire relationship before he finally gathered the courage to break things up. 

Veth knows that, so she brushes it off with a quick “it’s fine, he told her to go fuck herself” and Jester feels maybe a little better —even though she totally has no right because she and Fjord aren’t a thing and he can do whatever he wants ok? she totally doesn’t care, totally. 

Still, maybe, on the way back home she asks if he’s okay and she’s so worried and hesitant and Fjord just melts and assures her he’s alright, that he already knew when Avantika came back that she was not what he wanted, that he deserved more... that he wanted more... and he’s so earnest and breathless that Jester thinks he might really be in love with someone else, then... it doesn’t occur to her that all he can think about is kissing her in that moment, parked outside her mama’s house. 

The porch’s front light turns on, the moment passes, they say goodbye. 

Fjord comes over on the 24th to hang out. Apparently, Caduceus is a little bit more homesick than he is willing to admit and decided to unload all of his Cain Instincts on Fjord. Jester is delighted by the idea of Cad secretly being a prankster, but she lets Fjord hide out with her and her mama as they decorate the house (Marion didn’t have time to before between shifts) and make cookies and watch movies. 

And it’s so easy, so sweet and comfortable, that Jester can’t help but feel like this is what life is meant to be, she can’t help but fantasize about what things could have been like... 

Fjord finally asks what’s wrong. She tries to dodge the question first, assuring him she’s alright, but Fjord has known Jester long enough to figure out that something is weighing on her and he insists that she can tell him anything. 

Jester finally breaks and admits LA isn’t everything she dreamed. It’s pretty great, sure, and she got a job as an art therapist in a nearby clinic and the gallery is going to be great and fun but she feels so lonely, she’s tried to make new friends but everyone is too busy or stuck on their own road to success to really get to know them, she misses the Nein, she misses her mama, she misses her home and Fjord. Besides, Artagan has been so busy with planing the gallery (and all of the other cool artists he has been collecting to showcase there and she didn’t know about before) and he’s just not as focused on being her artistic mentor has before. It’s just a lot. 

And Fjord listens and nods and assures her that she’s brilliant and amazing and she will be alright, but she can always come back home if she wants (god, he wishes she would return). 

instead, Jester says he should come to LA because they used to talk about this, about both going there and trying their luck as artists. “You are such an amazing actor, Fjord!” She insists but Fjord is too anxious. Dreams don’t pay the bills. He can’t just drop everything just to follow a dream... just to follow her. 

It gets quiet after that. 

On the way out, Marion overhears that Fjord is planing to spend christmas alone with Cad on their apartment and insists they should come over for diner instead. 

Jester is delighted! It’s usually just her and her mama (who usually has to leave early because she works christmas night at the hotel) but now Cad and Fjord can come too! And the others should too! Beau and Yasha are here alone too and Veth can bring Yeza and Luke and Caleb will definitely want to spend it here instead of the library right?

So the Nein end up all invited to Jester’s christmas party. 

Which, of course, means they HAVE to do a secret santa. 

Jester gets Caleb, so she enlists Veth and Beau to go shopping for his gift to make it extra especial. 

While they are out doing chores, Caleb texts Jester and asks if he could talk to her later that afternoon. She wonders out loud why that would be and Veth blurts out: “he’s probably finally gonna tell you he’s in love with you” 

And Jester would brush it off with a flirty joke if it wasn’t by the way Beau slaps the back of Veth’s head and tells her “you said you wouldn’t tell on him!” 

So Jester is shocked and confused and thrown off balance because she never even considered Caleb like that. Does Caleb like her? Is he in love with her? Is she supposed to know that? To like him back? Oh no, he’s going to tell her this afternoon isn’t he? 

And she has to give him a christmas gift for the secret santa!

Caos and overthinking ensue and finally Jester buys Caleb a big thick book he’d been eyeing for a while but that he’d deemed too expensive to get and a very long scarf with lots of tiny cats and there’s nothing romantic about it but she’s still worried about it. 

So, either way, Caleb and Jester meet up for a late coffee (Caleb is basically immune to caffeine at this point so it’s fine and Jester only drinks hot coco so it’s alright). 

And Jester jumps the gun, she goes on and on and on about how she had no idea and she’s so sorry and she’s not sure about how to feel with this but she doesn’t want to hurt Caleb because he’s such a good friend and she really does care about him a lot but-

Caleb cuts her off with a laugh. He already knew she’s not in love with him, which is why he never brought the subject up. He’s fine, he’s moved on. 

Oh?

Actually, he wanted to talk with her because he is seeing someone else (ESSEK) and he wanted to know if it would be alright to bring him over for christmas tomorrow. He thinks he’s ready to introduce them to his friends and a party seems like a good idea. 

Jester is delighted again and assures him he totally can come and not to worry about the extra space or work or food because Caduceus and Fjord promised to come help her prepare everything for the party. 

She grabs his hands and assures him with a bright smile that she’s incredibly happy for him and hopes this is the good kinda love that makes him feel warm and fuzzy and smile. And Caleb blushes and nods and mumbles that maybe it is. 

CUT TO: Fjord is totally accidentally watching this from outside the coffeeshop because he was out buying gifts too (for his secret friend, Beau, a dope set of weights... and for Jester, a tiny unicorn that he just saw and had to get for her because he knew it would make her so happy). 

Either way, as you can imagine, what Fjord sees is easily misunderstood. 

Cue: heartbreak. 

Which gets us to christmas morning filled with excitement and presents and hugs. 

Fjord and Caduceus come over to help the Lavorre women cook (Fjord feels a little responsible over turning their little yearly diner into a fully blown party because he mentioned they were spending it alone at home). 

And Fjord is sad. He isn’t angry, or rude, or jealous... okay, maybe a little jealous, but mostly he’s just heart-broken and Jester can tell something is off, but Fjord makes an effort to smile and pretend like everything is fine and –wow, whoever he is in love with (that person he said he now new he wanted) might have broken his heart and Jester is so confused and at a lost. 

Anyway, it’s Caduceus who finally has enough of the mopping around and pulls Fjord aside to figure out what’s wrong and Fjord just blurts everything out: Jester and the feelings and the almost kiss in his car and the hanging out and the stupid little unicorn he has back at home and now doesn’t dare give her and Jester holding Caleb’s hands and how stupid he feels and how he had no right to feel that way anyway...

Cad lets him ramble and in the end just sighs and puts a hand on his shoulder and says: you should give her the gift. Did you get it so she would love you? Did you get it to get something in return? 

No, Fjord says, he just wanted to make her happy. 

Well, it will still make her happy, right? Isn’t that what you want?

And Fjord nods despite the hurt and Cad thinks he is so clever because of course he knows that Jester is in love with Fjord and that Caleb has moved on but he figures his roommate needs to figure it out himself this time. 

And so, the party comes. 

They do the secret santa early, because everyone is too chaotic and excited to wait to figure out what gifts they will get and they all want their friends to see the awesome gifts they got them already. 

Fjord nearly bites through his cheek while he sees Jester give Caleb her secret santa gift. 

Yasha gives Jester a beautiful dress, dark but artistic, that everyone insists she must try on and model for them at once because the world really hates Fjord and wants to make him blush and squirm as much as possible over the girl of his dreams. 

Caduceus gets Fjord an amazing movie collection with all the western classics he loves and it’s probably one of the nicest gifts he’s ever gotten. 

The tiny unicorn weights like a fucking ton inside Fjord’s pocket through most of the night. He convinces himself that he can’t give it to Jester, it would be overstepping. If she loves someone else, he needs to respect that. 

And then Essek shows up, and Fjord understands many things at once, and he’s so stupid he wants to laugh and hit himself at the same time. 

And yeah, just because Jester isn’t in love with someone else it doesn’t mean that she will like him now... of course not... but he feels a little bit less like a terrible friend and person for wanting her to. 

He pulls her out to the porch with some dumb excuse and after a lot of awkward small talk he finally brings out the tiny unicorn. 

Jester is delighted. What? Why? When? And Fjord just tells her the truth, that he saw it and thought of her and how happy it would make her and he had to... 

So Jester kisses his cheek and he blushes furiously and just as the moment is about to die down Veth shouts from inside that someone hid a lot of mistletoe around the house and that she is not kissing any of her friends thank you very much. 

So the two of them look up just in time to see GUESS WHAT hanging over their heads. Because of course. 

Blushing. Awkwardness. I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t- I mean if you- I mean I do- Do you? Yeah. Wait. Really? I mean, do you want to? Y-yes! 

They kiss. 

And it’s quick and shy and not really a big romantic kiss, barely a peck between two friends terrified of fucking everything up. 

The night goes on and neither of them can stop thinking about it... but other than that, it’s just a fun party. 

Fjord doesn’t sleep much, he’s up early and pacing around the house until he decides he needs to try that again. Just once more. One more kiss. And maybe then... and, yes, she will leave, but maybe one more kiss wouldn’t be so terrible before that?

So Fjord runs. He runs over to her home, heart in his throat. 

He knocks on the door, rushed and breathless... and finds Marion looking sad. 

Jester got a call that very morning saying Artagan needed her ASAP back in LA because the gallery is apparently a mess and he needs her help to organize the big night. 

Fjord does his best to cheer Marion up but he also knows, he knows, how upset Jester must have been to lose the last few days home. 

Meanwhile, Jester is doing her best to help Artagan (after finding out her mentor might be an amazingly talented artist but a terrible event organizer) and basically runs herself thin, going crazy and barely sleeping for a couple days. 

Two days before the big exhibit everything is still a mess and it’s too much for her to handle alone... and then the Nein arrive. 

What are you doing here? What is going on? How are you here? 

And they just shrug and smile and say they missed her and ‘hey, do you need a little help with that?’ and before she knows it everyone is helping her up and putting together everything that’d been falling apart. 

Beau basically intimidates the catering service into actually delivering on time by reviewing their contract and finding how much money they could lose if they don’t. Yasha, turns out, has a fantastic eye for art and helps pick where and how each piece should be hanged. Veth goes nuts with the decoration, making it way fancier than anyone expected this little art show to be —she demands black tie for everyone who is coming, too. Caleb and Essek result amazing with lights and music and manage got connect the whole audio system by some sort of magical miracle because it hasn’t worked properly since the 8s. Caduceus and Fjord offer to serve drinks when the barman calls in sick. 

In the end, after a few hectic days, it all works out. 

Jester finds out from Beau that Fjord basically knocked on their doors as soon as he found out she had to come back and talked everyone into coming and drove all the way here in his cheap shitty Ball Eater car (it broke down halfway through and Fjord and Caleb had to fix it themselves which is also why it took them two whole days to get to LA). 

The night of the gallery everything is perfect and beautiful and Jester could cry because she has the best friends in the world —but, really, she could cry because she’s missed them so much and having them here with her has made LA seem like a true city of stars again. 

And so, she takes a moment in between smiling and shaking hands and posing for pictures with Artagan (who is sort of taking all the credit for their work but it’s alright because he’s already hooked her and two others up with a bunch of interested agents and it seems like he really just wants to help this small artists have their big break) and Jester steps outside to take some air. 

Fjord follows. 

And she starts to thank him, earnestly, for all his help and support and she has no idea how she could’ve done any of this without them —without him. She can’t believe he followed her all the way here (as if Fjord has done anything else since the day they met on their college’s induction day... he always follows her)

Fjord, a little coyly, says that he could pay her back by lending him a couch while he looks for a place... and that’s how Jester finds out Fjord’s moving to the city to try and pursue acting. 

“Job hunting wasn’t going too well either, so I figured I might as well give my dreams a chance... I would also really like to be closer to you,” he admits, in a moment of boldness. 

And Jester understands. Finally. She sees what she was too afraid of admitting to herself out of fear of heartbreak and disappointment. 

“I can lend you a couch,” she smiles, playfully, “but it will cost you... a movie, maybe diner later” 

And his eyes sparkle as he steps closer and says, “I think I can manage that” and he asks if he can kiss her, following a hunch, and she nods. 

Just as everyone shouts HAPPY NEW YEAR inside the building. 

THE END

ok that’s all, i cannot bring myself to actually write this multichapter, but I hope anyone who is still here after ALL THAT enjoyed the ride. 

Happy holidays!! 

[dreamii-yume]

Hi Yume! I wanted to tell you that I love all your writings and that you are a truly fantastic writer! Sorry if I seem indiscreet, but I'm curious to know what pushed you and / or pushes you to write your sinfics. Don't feel pressured to answer at all, everyone has their own reasons and everyone has the right to write what he/she/they wants. Sorry for the inconvenience and be safe and remember to drink enough water!💕 (In addition English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any mistakes) Hope you have a good day! 😘✨

Hello~! ♥︎

Don’t worry, Darling (〃ω〃) I don’t feel pressured at all, I’m actually pleasantly surprised that you asked this question! You’re going right into Yume’s origin story now lol (๑･̑◡･̑๑)

I started writing fanfics myself when my taste was getting a little too…specific.

I think I mentioned once here that I get easily bored this is such a mean word, I’m sorry of anything I was once interested in if they’re not constantly doing things to keep me entertained lol So, I used to read A LOT of fluffy fanfictions, once that makes you rot and squeal— no smut, just very ｐｕｒｅ vibes (U w U) You know, like the typical teenager that I was lol I couldn’t even read any smut at that point because I view them like the ✨spawn of the devil✨ and it ✨ｃｏｒｒｕｐｔｓ✨ the characters I loved or something 👁👄👁 and also probably because I was a minor But oh how things have changed…Yes, I was that pure kid in school who didn’t know JACKSHIT about anything sexual \(//∇//)\ Bruh I remember covering my eyes every time I see a pp in my science textbook lol ☠️

…To tell you the truth, Yume once wrote a now completed fluffy fanfiction of a certain show and posted it on Wattpad _:(´ཀ`」 ∠): Yeaahh, I’m not gonna elaborate more on that but the fic is still there with a million views holy shit and it’s still haunting me every night that it still exists.

But then, I started getting bored of fluff because— it’s just the same trope over and over again and yeah, yeah… (c" ತ,_ತ) So, I decided to expand my taste a bit more and boom, look what I found— The ✨ｙａｎｄｅｒｅ✨ trope 👁👄👁 Ever since then, I became OBSESSED with these kinds of fic because with these kinds of fics— It doesn’t really…give a shit about what is wrong or what is right so, you can literally write anything you want with it (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))♡ It’s the kind of love that ｐｅｒｓｉｓｔｓand I love it because you don’t know where a yandere fic can go most of the time, you know? That keeps me hooked and wanting for more! ♥︎

And finally, when I turned legal— HAHAHA, We all know where this went lol ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I started reading ｓｍｕｔbut not just any kinds of smut, no no…ｙａｎｄｅｒｅ　ｓｍｕｔ(O w O) And that was a start of a beautiful friendship— ♥︎

So, I started wanting more, yeah? I discovered new kinks and realized I…liked the most fucked up ones?? Lol Even I don’t know exactly why I like Non-con so much— When I see a fic that doesn’t have any non-con in it, or anything fucked in general because im hornii I get less motivated to read it lol Maybe because I was so sick and tired of seeing two characters falling in love that seeing only ONE character fall into an unrequited love is so fucking spicy and a lot more interesting to me— like, where is it gonna go (O w O) I’m interested!

Bonus points if their love never gets returned through out the story and they become even more obsessed with their Darling until they decide to just…snap and neglect fuck everything else— HAVING DARLING IS A MUST （╹◡╹）

So, yeah— I basically read almost all Yandere Non-Con fics in existance at this point (°▽°) But it just wasn’t enough to quench the ｔｈｉｒｓｔ in me and I was honestly disappointed because there was always this one fic idea in the back of my head with very specific ｙｉｋｅｙ tags that I wanted someone to execute but never found one in my time of reading fanfictions （；＿；）So I just kinda…started writing them on my own lol the ultimate fine ill do it myself moment lmao At first, it was just for self-indulgence and never to be revealed in public because the content is so yikes, yknow? I have that fear of getting judged like— Why would anyone like these kinds of fics…lol

And then, the pandemic came and I was bored as hell— I discovered tumblr and decided to just fuck it, what’s the worse that can happen lol Thus, Yume was born and I was soo happy to see Darlings saying that they like my fics! (๑>◡<๑) And I finally felt liberated like, holy hell— I wasn’t alone with these kinds of kinks lol I started to not give a damn anymore and write whatever the hell I want, pushing my dark fantasies into each coming fics that I actually started calling them…Sinfics lol im a sinner and im proud

And I think that’s what pushes me to write more lol I absolutely LOVE talking with other Darlings who shares common interests with me!

Sorry for the long post, by the way~! But at least, you now know just a little bit more about Yume, yeah~? ٩( ᐛ )و Love you all, as always ♥︎

[ask-hunterxhunter]

You know this thing in fanfic where the love interest is changed into his child self, how do you think it would go if it happened to the adult trio?? It's basically a "how would they act as children" I’m imagining them around 3-5 years old?? But you can write with whatever age you feel most comfortable in

Hisoka

While how they would react depends on whether or not they are aware of what happened and retain their memories (even if they end up being influenced by the fact they are children again), you can bet Hisoka would be the one who would enjoy it the most. Those around him… Not so much.

 If he retained his memories, Hisoka would simply relax and take advantage of the situation, be by pulling a “puppy dog eyes” trick on you when he wants something or acting all innocent if he meets someone who wants him dead (you’d be surprised how easy it is for Hisoka to act as if he’s just a kid cosplaying as his “favorite fighter from Heaven’s Arena”). Who would guess this murderer clown-like maniac can look so much like a normal child? Well, it would last just as long as necessary as he’d turn to you with a grin after fooling some “idiot” (his terms) or after he pulls a “prank” on someone. In the end, even as you two are searching for a solution to whatever happened, Hisoka would find ways to have fun with it. He may grow uncomfortable or impatient after a while (especially if his strength has suffered as well and besides since his mind remains that of an adult, there are things of childhood that have just lost their appeal for him and others he can only enjoy as an adult) but you’d be the only one to notice it). Heck, even if he retains his memories, Hisoka would not be above pretending he actually regressed to a child-like mindstate if he deems it to be way more amusing (you’re free to yell at him when he either spills the beans or you realize it).

 It's also possible that, in a case of “body over mind”, having physically regressed to being a child will influence Hisoka somewhat, so he may find himself acting like one at times, even if he’ll likely try to control those impulses. It’s something when he is consciously acting the part to have fun, another is when he catches himself genuinely being a child again. If you’re close enough, you can tell him to just enjoy himself (after all, it’s pretty possible he didn’t have an exactly happy childhood) and let loose, but if not, then just shrug it off (or at most, tease him asking since when he cares about what others think anyway).

 Now, if Hisoka’s mind does regress to that of a child, things may get complicated. Even if he feels there is something special about you (the whole “heart remembering what the mind does not”), Hisoka will not simply trust you right away and because he might be confused, it will be even harder to help him, almost like trying to approach a street dog that is hurt (well, depending also on the specific age, of course), but since you’ve been together for a while, you may know a few tricks that will help you. Not treating him like an idiot just because he’s a kid will certainly be a good idea. Say a few things you know about him, that ought to at least get his attention enough for him to follow you back home. Be happy if this whole deal lasts for just a day though, Hisoka had a certain “prankster” trait on him as a child…

 In this scenario, while Hisoka as a child will likely be more independent and cynical than most of his age (to a point it can be either sad or scary, especially if he regresses to an age after he finally had enough and started to become the twisted creature we know today), it doesn’t mean he isn’t a kid. If you know this situation will pass on its own, maybe you can just try to relax (keyword, try. This is still Hisoka, after all) and give him a good memory, letting him be a normal kid… (Though I wouldn’t take him to play with other children if I were you). I can’t say it will be easy, especially at first, so patience is the key. Lots of it.  

 Illumi

I don’t know about you, but I would seriously consider dumping Illumi at the Zoldyck’s if that happened. Let his family deal with this mess…

 If Illumi retains his memories, there will be no difference whatsoever. Seriously, it’s like Illumi just got small and that’s it. You may try getting him to “enjoy himself” or something, but it won’t work. It’s just not his style and he won’t see the reason to start running around or playing tag since he takes no enjoyment out of this and doesn’t need the possible physical benefit of said exercise. It doesn’t matter if you point out he could “take the day off” and how many people might’ve liked to be a child once again, even if just for one day. Illumi may understand the reasoning, but he’ll reply that he feels he enjoyed his childhood enough. After all, his mind is still of an adult and the time for “jumping rope” or “exploring” has passed a long time ago.

 If you both know this situation will just pass on its own, Illumi will just want to wait it out. You may take a stroll around the city or spend the day together, but don’t ask him to act like a child just because his body changed. If anything, the change of size may annoy him… It’s not that he feels vulnerable or helpless (or as if he is, to be fair), but it’s a pain to have to ask for help if he can’t reach something and it just feels weird since he’s used to being taller and he can’t even use this situation to his advantage.

 Hell, he can’t even try to approach Killua for a “Brothers’ Bonding Day” since Killua is definitely, completely, totally not interested (if anything, Killua would be creeped out and run away).

 Even if Illumi’s condition comes to influence his behavior somehow, it will be hard to notice not only due to Illumi’s self-control but because, well, of the way he was raised. Even if he may feel like playing or doing something child-like, it won’t be an exactly normal sight (if he ends up indulging in it, for starters). You may try getting him to relax if you really want, but it may be better to offer to play chess or video-games (using the excuse it helps with reflexes or something of the sort).

 If Illumi regresses completely, well, it might be best to leave him with his family until he goes back to normal. Remember that Illumi has the firm philosophy that assassins don’t need friends and, without his memories, he won’t have any reason to want you around (especially if he’s at an age when boys are not interested in relationships). Unless he is at a very young age and away from home, he may even tell you to leave. It’s not that he means anything bad, but he doesn’t recognize you as one of the butlers, doesn’t need help, so… Why are you around him? Even if his feelings persist the physical change, he won’t be quite able to understand them and may just decide to ignore them, so it might be complicated for you to stay around. Remember how Illumi doesn’t care for those that are not from the family. It’s not that he means anything bad, he’s just acting the way he was raised.

 His family may try to help you deal with it, but in a way that doesn’t contradict their teachings (in their eyes, it’s better this way, especially if they know this situation won’t last). As such, they may suggest you act as a temporary butler or maid or something of the sort. Well, at least at this age, Illumi isn’t twisted to the point of disregarding your life completely, so if you want, you can at least stay around. Though, again, it will be easier for you to stay away until he goes back to normal.

  Chrollo

Oh, boy… The moment you look at Chrollo as a child, you may wonder how in all the circles of Hell did such a sweet-looking kid became the leader of the Genei Ryodan. Really, what on Earth happened?

 If Chrollo keeps his memories, he won’t want to be seen by the rest of the Spiders. Oh, he is fully aware they wouldn’t dare laugh or go into squees of “cute” (though Uvogin might’ve put him in his shoulder before Chrollo told him to put him back in the ground. Now) and this doesn’t really affect the respect they have for him, but he has his reputation to maintain anyway, you know (yeah, that serious expression? Intimidating on Adult!Chrollo, adorable on Child!Chrollo).

 It's unlikely that Chrollo will just go to a playground because he became a child, especially in this case. Too much has happened in his life for him to relax to the point of enjoying the opportunity this may present (for all we know, he might’ve to grow up too fast while living in Meteor City, so even if he did try, he wouldn’t be sure of how and would feel so awkward that he would quit soon). He will enjoy being able to walk around with no care if anyone will recognize him (not that many would under normal circumstances, let alone attack him) and you may convince him to lay down for the day, just try to make the best of the situation (even if he retains his skill and is still the Leader of the Genei Ryodan, it might be a good idea to not take the unnecessary risk of someone from the Mafia recognizing him in this form), but Chrollo is more likely to do that by going to a museum or a library like he usually does. You may try to convince him to go to an amusement park but don’t suggest the rides aimed at children. Remember that while you’re trying to get him to enjoy himself, his mind is still that of an adult.

 Even if the condition affects his behavior somewhat, it’s not easy to predict how he will react (once again due to how his childhood might’ve been). It won’t help matters and if anything, it will make things confusing for him and bring that awkward feeling mentioned above. He may want to play, but he doesn’t know why or how or even how to approach other kids. However, if you two are just at home, eating together or watching a movie, with you being yourself (perhaps at times ruffling his hair or scratching his head because, well, he is a cute kid), this will give him a sense of security and peace he likely didn’t have as a child.

 The same applies if he doesn’t remember anything. Yeah, it will be complicated to get him to trust you because he doesn’t know where he is and, while “don’t trust strangers” is a must for anyone, it’s even more so at Meteor City. People around there might help each other due to their condition, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t others who take advantage of the fact that people there are considered worthless. It might take a while just for you to convince him you mean no harm, though it might be easier if Chrollo’s feelings remain, as his own instinct will make him feel he can trust you regardless if doesn’t understand why. It’s also possible Chrollo was a lot wilder when he was younger (having to survive in that city might do that to you), to the point he seems, well, somewhat of a street urchin (or a sulky kid that stares at you with distrust masquerading as anger), especially if he regresses to a really young age.

 Though, deep in his mind, he may be noting some items around the house that he could steal. An irony, really, because that vase there or the necklace you’re wearing? He is the one that gave them to you.

 Once he relaxes enough, it will be easier to wait for him to go back to normal. It will still be like dealing with an animal (perhaps more so than with Hisoka because Chrollo might be the type that snarls if you approach him too much), but you’ll feel his coldness fading. He may still try to act tough, but you’ll see this is because his child self isn’t exactly used to someone not from Meteor City being gentle with him.