#signs of emotional abuse

[unwelcome-ozian]

[zukkacore]

Crossposted to ao3

The morning after Frosty Fair Festival, Jace summons Porter to the principal’s office.

“I’ve been VP for five minutes, and I find out that one of the fucking Bad Kids is taking three simultaneous years of artificer class? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You can’t pin that on me, Stardiamond.” Porter’s laugh is easygoing, and he’s only half paying attention as he watches the smoke trail from the cigarette he’s waving around. “I tried to dissuade him. He put himself through that.”

“But you won’t sign his MCAT. Do you want his annoying little truant friend to hate you?”

Porter laughs. “Miss Faeth isn’t a truant, I’ve been taking attendance for her in barbarian classes nearly every day."

He takes a long drag. “Of course you have.”

“Miss Faeth hates me no matter what I do. If she hasn’t caught on to what’s going on by now, I think you can breathe. Besides, I like a challenge. Something you could stand to learn.”

He tries to take another drag, but his hands are shaking, he’s so mad. There’s a clenching in his chest where the shatterstar is placed, then a pain that radiates outward. He winces. “Be it from me to question your teaching methods, but. Do you know what the Bad Kids did to the last vice principal?”

“Hey. I brought you back once. I can do it again.”

“I—” He doesn’t want to talk about that right now. He’s not ready to talk about it. “Tell me, does getting chewed out by a devil because one of his best bloodrush players is swamped sound like a good time to you? Jawbone recommended I look into xanax, that’s how wired I’ve been. And that was before I got ‘promoted’.”

“I’m sure you could get your hands on some if you attended one of his orgies.”

“Go to hell.”

“Likewise.”

They glare back and forth. Jace is used to getting into tiffs with Porter, but this—this is real.

 When he opens his mouth, his voice is quiet. “I don’t see why you can’t just sign the kid’s fucking MCAT.”

“Not that I don’t appreciate the whole impassioned speech,” says Porter, “It’s nice to see you actually riled up about something once in your silver-spoon life, maybe finally you’ll start giving a fuck.”

“I’m not riled up,” says Jace, but he’s working to keep his voice steady.

He’s used to the assumptions about his life, and he’d much rather keep up appearances than let a soul know about his estranged parents or the mind that’s trying to kill him. That’s the thing about sorcery—when your power is innate, you can never stop being grateful. If things are fucked, they could always, always be worse. He has to be unassuming. He likes being unassuming, because a gift is not a threat. And if his student’s can see that this scary thing they can’t help doesn’t have to rule their life, then, yeah, he’s ok with being a little bit of a joke.

At least, he was ok with it, before Porter Cliffbreaker broke him and shoved a shatterstar into his gaping chest wound and gave him a choice: rage or oblivion? He made his choice. He can’t back out now. So doesn’t Porter see he’s trying to look out for him? “I just think it would make things so much easier—”

“For who? You? Pardon me for treading on your cushy little gig.”

“Oh, we’re way past that.” Eight months past, to be exact. His mind is drifting back fondly to bleeding out in the Mountain’s of Chaos. He’s grateful that it’s so early in the morning, that no one is around to cast Detect Thoughts.

“Thistlespring could use a little tough love. That’s just the way I teach, now that you’re in charge, you’re gonna have to deal with it. He’s an orc, Stardiamond—barbarism is in his blood. He just needs to apply himself. I mean, you’ve seen the kid play bloodrush, he’s a beast.”

He grimaces. Something about the way Porter is speaking, he can’t place it, but he feels sick to his stomach.

“Right,” says Porter, clearly misjudging the expression on his face. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt for you to show a little school spirit.”

Jace laughs sharply.

“Well. He’s a beast you’re gonna find yourself on the wrong side of if you don’t watch yourself. You know how The Bad Kids are—they worm their way into everything, and the goblin that Kipperlily hates, he’s the worst of all. You know, he ate—Forget it. I just. I don’t want you getting—” He stops just short of saying it. As much as Porter has personally fucked him over, he’s in it too deep. Despite everything, Jace cares about him. He’s just so tired of trying to make things work. “If… this plan is so important to you, you have to be a little more tactful and a little less—you.”

“You think I can’t take care of myself, Stardiamond?” Porter flashes an infuriating grin.

“I didn’t say that. I just said… Be careful.”

“I appreciate the feedback and the personal concern, veep, but trust me when I say you’re letting your personal feelings get in the way with this one.”

His face is burning up, and he’s certain he’s a humiliating shade of red. Jace doesn’t even have to say anything. Porter knows what a low blow that is.

“Yeah, well,” mutters Jace. “Multiclassing is not for everyone.”

“Right.”

Jace is a good sorcerer. So good that it’s hard to articulate to his students what to him is second nature. He’s not the kind of teacher who does lesson plans precisely because he was never the kind of student who needed to study. It’s eerie how much Porter in these moments reminds him of his own teacher—the kind of teacher who praises his natural gifts all day and was absolutely resistant to him looking into other classes because he viewed it as a waste, as noncommittal, as proof of his lack of dedication. 

Jace never got his MCAT signed. And he was… not prepared for the sheer volume of work required for even early level wizardry. He wanted it; he wanted to be the kind of dedicated person who could put in the work. Maybe his teacher had been right, maybe he wasn’t very bright, and maybe he hadn’t been cut out to be a wizard, but it did feel a little like he was thrown in the deep end and told to swim just to prove a point. He’s always been a slave to his impulses. And in the end, he ran back to sorcery where they welcomed him back with open arms because it felt good to be good at something.

He can feel the thrum of the shatterstar in his chest, anger coupled with shame. He hates himself for being Jace Stardiamond. He’s always taken the path of least resistance. 

He’s not even sure he could call himself a good sorcerer anymore. He’s never been the kind of wizardly person who innately finds the joy of learning and discovery. He’s never found it all that rewarding. But sorcery does require a kind of self-knowledge, a certainty of oneself that he hasn’t felt in a long time. Whoever he is right now is a stranger, buried under several feet of bitterness and self-loathing.

“What’s it to you? You don’t even give a fuck about your own students, have you gotten a soft heart about little Thistlespring all of a sudden?”

“I don’t give a fuck about Thistlespring! Don’t you get it?”

“Look, if he confronts me on it, I’ll sign the damn MCAT. Happy? I was only resistant at first because—well, I mean, have you heard that ridiculous song he sings? The kid’s not very bright.”

He doesn’t answer.

“I’ll get it done if it means that much to you. C’mere.”

Porter takes Jace by the hands, pulling him in so that he can wrap his arms around Jace’s waist.

“We’re at school—” says Jace, but his protests are half-hearted. He turns his head, and he can feel Porter’s lips press up against his cheek.

“Listen to me.” Porter takes his face in his hands. “I have everything under control. The Bad Kids are nothing, Jace. Trust me. They’re twig gremlins. Maybe I got a little overinvested. I can’t help it, I need recruits, and the kid’s a natural. But that’s not everything. He’s too… Too timid. Afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Embracing his power.”

“Are… Are we still, um—” Porter’s gaze on him is so intense, Jace forgets what he’s saying. But that drive that he sees in Porter, that deep need to push, to optimize, to always be the best—it’s always been a source of deep frustration for Jace. But he can’t deny those are the same traits that make Porter so easy to admire. Maybe it’s just a wish, but he swears he can see the same admiration mirrored in Porter’s expression.

He can feel himself being reeled back in. His life is currently a living hell, but something in him has always felt compelled to be worthy of Porter’s admiration.   

He wishes he could be the kind of person Porter wants him to be. He worries that there is no ascendant version of him, that this really is all his potential, plain and simple. But he’ll try. For Porter, he wants to be great.

They can hear footsteps on the other side of the door. Time for school.

Porter is quick to change gears. He coughs, clearing his throat as Jace is quick to step away. “Tell you what—I’ll get that straightened away, Stardiamond. I’ll sign the papers. Things were a little rocky at first, but you know what? He earned it, after the damn display of frosty fair. He’ll make a great… adventurer.” He’s watching. “You know. When the time comes.”

Jace sighs, but it does nothing to help release the tension in his chest. Yeah. Frosty fair. He has to make the announcement about that soon. He can feel a headache coming on just thinking about it.

Porter kisses him, but Jace is quick to brush him away and toward the door. “You need to go.”

Porter grins, and Jace can feel his heart skipping like he’s some teen adventurer with a schoolyard crush. “Tell me some things aren’t worth a little risk.”

“Well, I have to give a speech,” says Jace, following Porter out of the office. Jawbone waves at them, and Jace nods as he shuts the door behind them.

“Hey. You’re gonna knock it out of the park, alright?” He gives Jace a punch in the shoulder, and it’s so awkward that Jace would be charmed by it in any other circumstance. Like they’re amicable co-workers and not the bad guys. Like they’re not intertwined, Porter’s rage making a comfy little home in his ribcage. “We’re all looking to you, now, Stardiamond. It’s a heavy burden, but I can’t think of anyone else I’d trust more to handle the responsibility.”

Jace doesn’t bother to check his insight. If Porter says it, he’s ready to believe it.

[traiciontrauma]

[feralboo-the-weirdo]

I think we should normalize active parenting. Like we have plenty of examples of neglectful parents, we should get some of active parents. Also, to all the parents already doing the stuff below, great work.

I don't have kids, but I was a kid, and I think these are things parents should know.

If your child comes to you with a concern, no matter how insignificant or stupid you personally find it, take them seriously. It is important to them, even if it isn't important to you. Also, they wouldn't bring it up to you unless they thought it was important. Taking your children's "smaller" concerns seriously will make it far more likely they will come to you with the biger ones. Also, if it's a problem you can't solve, there is no shame in getting outside help, even if it means "exposing" the fact things aren't perfect. You cannot solve every single one of your child's problems alone. And you should help them solve problems, so you aren't solving everything for them. They do need to learn how to solve things on their own, like fights with siblings, or schoolwork. WITHIN REASON. If your child brings up to you that one of their siblings is depressed, or is struggling with something else like that (I.e. an eating disorder or self harm, or other mental illnesses), or otherwise heavy concerns, IT SHOULD NOT BE THE CHILDS RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX IT AND HELP THE SIBLING. YOU ARE THE ADULT. NOT THEM.

No child should EVER have to be the one dealing with these things because you don't think they're important, and you want to ignore them. Just because it's common that most siblings have to be a third parent doesn't mean it should be. Sweeping it under the rug is easy, but you SHOULD NOT make your child deal with it because they knew you didn't care.

Children and teens will match your energy. If you don't care about what they say the chances of them talking to you, and/listening to you decrease dramaticlly.

Also. The same goes for when they're excited about something. Positive reinforcment will make them far more likely to succeed becasue they know you'll care. They figured out how to tie their shoes? AMAZING. They drew a really really crappy stickfigure drawing of a person petting a cat? Tell them what you like about it, (colors, bold lines, etc) and maybe sandwich in a suggestion for how they could make it better.

Further, If your child is upset about something, don't belittle them because you don't think they should be upset about it. at that point you're past they shouldn't be upset about it, they ARE upset about it. Also, this moment, right now, for them is the hardest they have ever lived. Just because they're not an adult and they're not struggling with the same things as you, doesn't make their struggles any less valid. It might not seem like it because you know that not getting an A in math is not the same level as not being able to pay rent, but it's on that level for them. Just because it's "kid" struggles, doesn't mean it's not a struggle. They deserve to have their feelings validated just as much as you do, even though it's not an adult problem. Stuff is really really really hard as a kid because you don't have the skills to cope with things and you're experiencing a lot of things for the first time in high dosages, and it's hard.

Do with this what you will, but I wish my parents had done ANY of this when I was growing up.

[gaysforbyler]

Rant post because you guys are my only friends, which is kind of embarrassing but the truth. You don’t need to read it i just wanted to get it out.

I hate complaining about my parents bc they’re actually the best parents in the world, but i think I’ve been trying so hard to put them in this perfect little box that i completely ignore how much they’ve fucked me up. So many adults in my life have bullied (emotionally abused?) me because of a mental disorder I have, and I’ve always left my parents off of that list because it really wasn’t that bad with them. They might have made a few offhanded comments, but it was definitely not on the same level at all. I would never classify them as abusive in any sense, but in doing so I ignore the fact that they hurt me in general. My dad just stood there while the “trusted” adults in my life made fun of me in front of dozens of people over and over again, and he did nothing to stop them. That hurts more than anything.

When i was thirteen my worst abuser came into my life. She was my coach, like most of the others, but i was old enough to where my parents didn’t have to watch over me. I went to practice alone, and she tormented me. She pulled me aside in front of my entire team, and scolded me for being disrespectful to her. She said that my actions were not the result of any mental disorder, because she was a psychologist and she would know best. (I wasn’t diagnosed with anything at the time. I thought i was fucking insane. I’m now diagnosed with selective mutism.) She threatened to kick me off the team if i didn’t fix it. I was scared shitless that she would go through with it, because I didn’t know how my parents would react. I thought they would blame me like they had before, so i spent the next year hiding what she did (and continued to do). I was so scared to go to practice that i nearly passed out every week when the time came around. Idk, i just feel like i should have been able to trust someone

I didn’t get diagnosed until i was fourteen. I wouldn’t have gotten diagnosed at all if my cousin hadn’t been diagnosed at the age of nine. It was too late for me. I watched her get better while I made no progress myself. In the past five years, I have only spent two in therapy, because they were too busy to find me a therapist. I can’t make friends, i can’t keep friends, i can’t get a job, i have breakdowns every time i go to the store, I’m wasting my entire life being scared of every human interaction, all because no one cared enough to figure out what the hell was wrong me. I’m never getting better. This is the rest of my life.

And i know i secluded myself from the age of eight. I used to spend all of my time alone as a kid, because it’s how i felt safest. I pushed my family away. But i still feel emotionally neglected. I can’t remember the last time i went to my parents with a problem. I don’t know if i ever have. Maybe that’s because of the anxiety, but i still feel like that’s their fault. I was a child. They could have pushed more, or done literally anything to research what was going on with me. That was their job, and now I’m facing the consequences

[fernsnouveau]

Yeah no I didn't come here to watch Adrien date Gabriel 2.0

[politics-not-my-thing]

Emotional abuse can be creating chaos for the sake of chaos, starting shit to start shit, my sister, inspite of the fact that everyone knows she doesn't actually mind, will insist that my cat can't be in her room just so she can watch me get upset over it, just so she can start shit for the sake of starting it, and she'll have massive mood changes where everyone else is gonna suffer because something didn't go her way

It can be making themselves superior or the priority, putting themselves on a pedestal because nothing is as important as them, they'll talk down to you, blame you for their mistakes, if they even admit to being wrong, and treat you as inferior, or lesser than them

It can be emotional manipulation or blackmail, you're responsible for what went wrong, nothing even went wrong, how can you think that it did, withholding affection as punishment, being guilt tripped into doing what they want

It can be invalidating you, your feelings don't matter because mine matter more, or even refusing to acknowledge your side and trying to distort your perception

It can be having unrealistic demands and expectations, so expecting you to always be there for them, you to share their opinion and being dissatisfied no matter what you do

It can be so many things and it's so much more than belittling but we never talk about it so we never recognise it

And it goes on unchecked

I don't think we talk about emotional abuse enough because we recognise the signs of physical abuse more readily (even if we will deny we are suffering from it and imply it has to be more extreme to be physical abuse)

Like I didn't know the signs, I only knew belittling, which is definitely a form of abuse but also there is so much more

And it can come from so much more than just your family or partner, it can come from anyone you have a relationship with and it can be just as harmful as physical abuse

[anthroxlove]

10 Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Psychologically or mentally abusive relationships are especially insidious because the victim becomes accustomed to their partner’s behavior, thinks it’s “normal,” and has started to believe what their abuser says about them. If you think you or a loved one might be in this situation, consider whether one or more of these 10 signs of an abusive relationship are present.

1. You don’t feel free to make your own choices. The other person tells you how to dress and how to act, tries to control who you spend time with, and keeps track of where you go and what you do all the time.

2. You’re always apologizing. You’re afraid of how your partner may react, so you apologize for your actions, even if you’re not sure what you’re sorry for, in order to head off their anger and accusations.

3. You don’t talk about the relationship with friends or family. You avoid discussing the other person, minimize their abusive behavior, or make excuses for it if your friends or family members call it out.

4. Your partner “love bombs” you. They try to make up for abusive behavior with exaggerated compliments, extravagant gifts, or telling you they “can’t live without you.”

5. You feel like everything that’s wrong with the relationship is your fault. Emotional abuse often includes convincing the other person that they need to be criticized and told what to do because of their poor behavior, and if they were “better,” there wouldn’t be a problem.

6. Your disagreements turn into screaming fights. Rather than being productive, arguments escalate into yelling and insults that may feel threatening and scary.

7. You never know which version of your partner you’re going to get. They’re hot and cold by turns, sometimes withdrawn or insulting, and then drawing you back in by being suddenly attentive and loving.

8. You get shut down when you try to communicate. The other person dismisses your needs or concerns, or responds to them with sarcasm or disgust.

9. You’ve lost confidence in your own perspective. You’ve been told so many times that you’re wrong, stupid, or crazy that you’ve started to believe it.

10. You’ve forgotten what you used to be like before the relationship. You spend so little time on your own, doing things you care about, or spending time with close friends that you don’t remember what it felt like to be a strong and independent person.

[vanalex]

[anarchne]

i wish i could remove the word “adopt” from kept peoples’ vernacular lol

[raisedbythetv89]

"blocking someone over that is so extreme" TO YOU. I on the other hand will end up in jail, a mental institution or a grave as the alternatives. Not all of us are mentally stable jessica

[lilalilan]

I physically could not leave

I physically could not leave

Like at least something that I know about myself now is that I will not back down in the face of intimidation but like

I physically could not leave

I was threatened repeatedly with physical violence

I had to repeatedly deescalate situations so that I would not face physical violence

And I physically could not leave

There was nothing I could do to remove myself from the situation

Nothing I could do to make myself safe

Except to get the other person to calm down

Fuck

[runawayfuture]

concept art for my AU where the church lets House Gautier hold on to the dragon sign in case they didn't have a kid with a Crest and so Miklan doesn't get kicked out and he loves his little brother and everything is Fine Actually

[randomtheidiot]

I think a good idea for a DP rewrite AU would be changing Paul so that instead of being an outright abusive asshole who knowingly hurts his Pokémon, he’s like that one dog owner who thinks that Cesar Millan has genuinely good advice and he isn’t just a sociopath who chokeslams anxious dogs.

[rhielizabethj]

You’ve trained me well. You stripped away my confidence, my back bone, my spirit and left me broken. Where did the pervious version of me go? I was healing, I was happy I was full of promise. Now I’m left shattered, confused, raw.

Everytime you told me I was stupid, I was the problem, everytime you would yell at me, slam doors in my face. Every time you’d diminish me to nothing I started to believe it. I’m left sitting here wondering what is so wrong about the person I am? Was I not loveable? Was I not good enough? Was I not worth working through your own trauma so you could show up in a healthy way for me? I feel unworthy of love, I feel like your words and treatment have rewired my brain. Everything you said to me feels like truth now, even though there’s a tiny piece of me screaming trying to make my brain understand it’s not the truth.

Little by little your abuse had its desired effect on me. I feel scared, I feel out of control. I feel like crawling back to you would be so much easier. We could pretend things are healthy and fine, you would probably be so nice to me at first. Saying how much you missed me, saying how sorry you are how you’ll change. It could be a few good months, maybe you’d be able to fill my cup up halfway before you switched and decided to smash it. We could play pretend and it would feel safe again, if only for momentarily.

But I think it’s safe to say we both know nothing will change. You fill my head with your distorted version of reality, lies, you make it seem like you want to change that you want to be a better man. You speak this into existence but the follow through is never there. It’s just another form of manipulation so you don’t have to face the pain of being alone. You twist into your distorted version and I start to believe it. I believe it because I want to be with you. I want to grow old with you, I love you. But then you yell at me, or block me from leaving our bedroom and I come crashing down to reality, I am forced to see things for what they are. They aren’t healthy, my feelings aren’t safe, this is not a safe environment to flourish with you.

The path I’m walking is unknown but there’s promise and hope. For once there’s hope, I know things will get better for me. I know day by day I’m healing. Every conversation I have with my therapist, best friend, people who have been in similar situations brings me to a place where I’m seeing through your façade of lies. I’m realizing the things you said to me and the way you treated me was wrong. You might never see your behaviour for what it really is, it’s hard to face the truth. Rose coloured glasses have been your vision for you to long. I tried to take them off and hold your hand, I tried to help you see the flaws and toxicity. I tried to hard to make things healthy.

Someone who comes from a place of love, compassion and kindness knows your actions are wrong. You don’t get to put your hands on someone and down play it, you don’t get to choke me and say I was drunk. You don’t get to blame my self defence as the problem. You don’t get to yell at me or continuously throw insult after insult at me. Your emotional abuse is quite literally that. It’s not love, it’s not kindness. You have that in you, I’ve seen the man you could truly be if you just committed to getting help, therapy, an outlet for your anger. You broke me down with every nasty thing you said to me, and now I wonder if this was your plan. Break me down so badly I become quiet and hide how you treat me. I think you hoped I’d stay this small accepting your crumbs when you felt like I was worth loving and when I wasn’t I was then punished with your acts of verbal abuse. You might not have left black eyes or broken bones. But the vile things you said has now imprinted on my soul. You’ve left a permanent scar in my heart and I’m so scared I’ll forever accept abuse with the next person I love. I’m scared that the impact you had on me will be permanent. That I’m tainted. That I’ll forever be apologizing for something that wasn’t my fault. You said I apologize to much but in an environment that made me feel like I was the problem, in an environment where it’s easier to just agree what more did you expect?

I don’t think I have ever been called so many names in the time span of two years. In two years I went from being the most amazing person, the most caring, most loving. You said you loved me so much that I was your light. But then you blew that light out and still expected me to guide the way. You wanted me to be your rock, but instead I became an actual rock. You hardened me, I shut down and grew a hard shell around me to protect me from the mean things you’d say.

I’m not a bitch, I’m not stupid, I’m not a cunt, I’m not crazy, annoying or unattractive. Im not ugly, I’m not a shitty friend, I’m not worthless, I’m not any of those things you said to me. You will never put your hands on me again, you will never smash a door into my back, or slam it in my face, you will never lock me out of a room or balcony again, you’ll never yell at me infront of my children again, you’ll never treat me like fucking scum in front of my friends again. You’ll never tear apart my relationship with my mom or family again. You’ll never isolate me, you’ll never make me feel like I have no one again. You’ll never bash my pervious relationship with my children’s father again. You’ll never bash my body or personal hygiene again. You’ll never tear apart my sexual acts again. You will never be able to treat me like that again. I’m realizing I won’t be someone you can keep in your back pocket for later. I won’t be here to see you continue to make the same mistakes with someone new, I won’t watch the new girl become “the problem” I won’t be here because I deserve better.

I was becoming a pathetic puppy dog chasing after you, you truly did train me well. Even after being broken up for a month and a half I’m still accepting you blaming me for everything. I’m still allowing you to be hot and cold with me, I’m still allowing you to ignore me and then gaslight me like none of this is happening. I’m still allowing shitty treatment and why, because you’ve trained me well.

I will always love you, I will always wish I was important enough to you to receive an apology, ownership for how you treated me, changed behaviour. But you’re not ready to see, you’re not ready to admit that maybe the abused became the abuser. I love you, but I love myself enough to let it all go. I love my self enough to release me from all of the pain, the broken promises, the abuse.

[hooved]

nothing makes me block someone faster than them writing paragraphs about how much they hate odo in the tags on my posts about him