#she made me want and try to kill myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

vertin-is-the-frog-guys · 20 days ago

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guys am i a bad person a person i absolutely despise got put into a mental hospital and im not sad for her

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puffpawstries · 2 months ago

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Every time I draw Honno all I can think of is Egghead....

#smorewips #and i gotta remember to keep adding their big forehead...big brows keep taking up all space...#she needs her big forehead that's what makes them SILLY #It also made me think of if Iyami insulted/ had some kind of word to call her idk if he would call Honno an egghead but I've thought of it #trying to warm up my drawing because I want to work on the ask but also work on Honno new ref #CAUSE LIKE the urge to add/change stuff yet not change much of Honno is killing me...like with their glasses cuz I draw them simple to save #myself time BUT I SAW A CUTE PAIR OF GLASSES...AND THOUGHT THEY WOULD FIT HONNO...big glasses....#anyway no more rambles cyaaaaa

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itz-pandora · 2 months ago

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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

#quote from MLP:FIW #sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day #sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids #my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit #step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER #<- like grades n shit #also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement #step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail #also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth #i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad #also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse #i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this #not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself #also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family #also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her #sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic #she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying #i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy #<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS #my sisters and i feel like shit #i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys #i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had #Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post

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e-m-p-error · 9 months ago

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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ | Perhaps for an eclectic combination of Era & Hellaina, Jayden/Vel, Val/Vox, and Vox/Tello(/Val)???

For each “⭐️” I get, I’ll write a headcanon about our muses.

[ Erasmo ]

⭐️ Era was the reason Hellaina joined up with his friend group of criminals. He met her and took her in when she needed someone to be there for her, as he was wont to do. Era was always picking up strays.

⭐️ He mistakenly thought that she was into him after what happened with April and he declined feelings he assumed she had. It was a mostly well-received rejection because she wasn't interested and that helped him relax more with her.

⭐️ When he went into porn he used some of his money to help her with a vehicle that needed to be repaired. He was always willing to help if he was good for it.

⭐️ He considered her a close friend, though Missy remained his only best friend.

[ Velvette/Jayden ]

⭐️ Velvette still manhandles him often, no matter what they are doing or where they are.

⭐️ She has served him drinks with little toys in the bottom of them. She thinks it's funny when he chokes on them but always makes sure to help him when he's choking.

⭐️ Velvette is very focused on his health and happiness and is the first person to gentle him when he needs it.

⭐️ While they got married for the joke, she found that she actually really, really did love him. He's very important to her and she'd never file for divorce.

[ Vox/Valentino ]

⭐️ Before their big talk, Valentino believes Vox doesn't care about him because their sex life is lacking due to Vox's general disinterest in sex.

⭐️ Vox does not understand Val's obsession with his horoscope, but he listens every day when Valentino reads him his because it's important to him. It's one of the sweet things that Valentino does for Vox that isn't sexual and it proves he cares.

⭐️ Valentino doesn't know what to do with one of his love languages, since Vox can't eat. During one of their excursions to Earth, Valentino rents them a hotel room with a kitchenette and he makes Vox the most delicious eggs benedict he's ever had. Cooking for a partner is something he considers an ultimate show of love.

⭐️ Valentino never felt more seen or heard with Vox than he did the night they were drugged and forced into Honesty Time. Their relationship grew closer and stronger for it, and Val is honestly more secure in their relationship now than he's been in decades.

[ Vox/Ostello/Valentino ]

⭐️ Ostello has written and performed 50 love songs for Vox before Valentino fell. Valentino is at a healthy 22.

⭐️ Valentino has to teach Ostello how to have sex with him properly but is willing to because of Vox mediating between them.

⭐️ Vox's involvement is half of why Ostello gets to live. The other half is that they actually communicate about the lackluster sex.

⭐️ Ostello loves Vox more than anything but is instantly infatuated with Valentino. He did talk at length with Vox about it, because he values open and honest communication.

#It’s Best To Keep Me Pleased (Answered Asks)#HEADCANONS ➽➽➽#And If You Get In My Face Then You’ll Get A Taste Even God Would Run Son (ναℓєитιиσ)#Hollywood Made A Killing Machine She’s Like A Teenage Slaughter Movie Scene A Serial Killer Celebrity (тяιиα)#I Love You Oh So Madly But I Don’t Stand A Ghost Of A Chance With You (σѕтєℓℓσ)#It’s Killing Me I Just Want You To Be My Next Mistake That I’m Gonna Make (Velvette ♡ Jayden)#Catch Me If You Can With A Cigarette In Hand And It’s Love It’s Heavy And It Hurts And It’s Love (Valentino ♡ Vox)#I Said To Myself This Affair Never Will Go So Well But Why Should I Try To Resist? (Ostello ♡ Valentino ♡ Vox)

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cuteniarose · 4 months ago

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The consequences of my poor financial decisions are here!!

#blame Kat for this lmao. she got the Yangchen novels first and I very easily give in to peer pressure (that wasn't exerted. but whatever)#three days earlier than scheduled too. which worked out perfectly bc I picked them up on the way home from grandma's #and carried them for 2 km. 2 hardcover books + the thick cardboard boxset they're in #+ the backpack full of food my grandma gave me #in the rain #I nearly fucking died #I'm not made for this level of physical exercise 😅#okay moving on #nia stop calling things like this poor financial decisions challenge #it cost like. the equivalent of 40 bucks #I have 30 times as much hidden away in my sock drawer #and I am usually responsible with my spending. I'm allowed a slightly more expensive treat every once in a while #also my dad doesn't know but I'm sure if I would him 'hey I spent 3.8k on a pair of books is that okay'#he'd be like 'why tf are you asking when have I ever said no to you spending money'#but again. I do try to be mindful #which is why as much as I want the lok art books and could probably ask for money for them. I won't #bc they cost an arm and a leg and I cannot morally allow myself to spend that kind of money #anyway. getting distracted again #do you know how hard it was to get these? I checked like 3 marketplaces before I did #and I was fully ready to get them in russian because non-classical english books are impossible to come by here #sanctions and all that. but somehow I did. and it only cost half the money in my bank account #I don't even know if Russian editions exist. these books were written before the war and before the gay propaganda ban but still #I didn't find them when I looked. maybe they don't sell them now that the law is in place or smth #I don't really care enough to look it up #the point is. I now own the books and can happily read about best girl kyoshi whenever I want #if the stress for an upcoming event doesn't kill me. that is #also I have read rok before but it was 3 years ago so my memory is vague. and I just realised how much thinner sok is?#I'll have to check the page count later

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bmpmp3 · 30 days ago

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post ankle-twisting clarity

#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee #so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like #so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like #overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down #happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently #my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful #tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when #they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me #because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds #which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and #instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not #totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the #animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted #sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my #faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can #just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development #rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3 #doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)

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starrysharks · 1 year ago

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writing 5 page encyclopedias on my ocs and their stupid backstories is so fun but writing the story itself oooooh i can't stand the writing the story itself

#mantra of 'i'm cringe. i'm cringe. i'm cringe' playing in my head as i write reassass's 5th chapter 1 first draft #i would get my sister to read it and tell me if it really is cringe but its so cringe i cannot even show her #writing savory's factfile on why he's so fucking weird: haha! yeah! weird guy!#writing savory in the comic itself being fucking weird: why is he talking like that. why is he like that. this is cringe #dude you are literally the one who made the character #the thing with reassassination is that i want it to have edge like shadow the hedgehog ripoff oc type edge #cmon its about a girl who gets KILLED but COMES BACK and she KILLS PEOPLE and shes trying to find WHOEVER KILLED HER and KILL THEM BACK #i dont want to take myself too seriously here #but thats the hard part how much edge is too edge #how can the transition from edgy horror-comedy to serious horror-drama be executed in the most graceful way #AURRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH #we're strong. and we're brave mate. we'll find a way #its only cringe if u make it cringe zeno..... go write your stupid comic....

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longagoitwastuesday · 3 months ago

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Going through the Utahim.e tag had me checking several times if at some point I had clicked on the G.ojo/Utahim.e one instead

#It's mainly the ship and mainly ship art. Very pretty btw. There's people with gorgeous styles there #There isn't even a lot of x reader fics haha I guess people don't want to bang Utahime?#Anyway... lowkey wished this happened with Ijichi lol #I so wanted Ijichi to mention or even hint at a mention of Gojo one last time like they did with Nanami #If nothing else for the weight of it all. The weight of feeling your youth dying piece by piece alongside the people who made it out #And everything it implies #Art of Shoko dealing with Gojo's death even in a cold way always strikes hard for that motive but I always love it #with pretty much everyone of those years. There was one piece I saw once that was not explicitly or necessarily romantic about Utahime #being hit by Gojo's death and I don't recall exactly how it was (I think I may have queued it?)#but it moved me more than any piece more clearly emotional that I had seen before #I don't know. I thought it held the potential of that. That weird uncomfortable heartbreaking feeling #of hearing bad news about old friends or classmates and how it makes you realise the weight of time #They suffered and accident. They tried to kill themselves. They are very sick. Their sibling or parent died. And you knew these people #You saw them daily for years. Maybe you weren't close but you knew these people. They cut my bangs when I was eight and I punched them #I tripped over them playing hide and seek and we both lost at the same time. We both hated each other's favourite teacher #They borrowed my pen once and then never gave it back. I once drenched them at the fountain after PE and it was winter but they laughed #Their mother got mad though. Now she's dead. We were made to sit together in French class in middle school. They loved to keep their hair l #Now they're sick and have lost their hair #Their little sibling was so annoying always trying to make us play with them during recess too. It was kinda cute. Now they're dead #I don't know. That kind of stuff #Utahime boosts Gojo and then he dies. Shoko opens him up to make a tool of his body #Ijichi accompanies another kid to clean after him in the meanwhile. And then the realisation hits. He is dead #He was annoying. He was my friend. He was so rude #He had such a sweet tooth. He laughed so loudly. He used to lean over people when talking with them #We were kids once. We are here now. He isn't here anymore. Some of us haven't been here anymore for a long while. It's been so long #He was still young. I am still young. We felt so old. At times it feels as if the time back then didn't happen at all.#And now he's dead and oh it's true he was so annoying but he also had such a sweet tooth. I forgot. What do I do with this memory now?#At times it felt as if the time back then didn't happen at all but then at times it shone through. He brought it back #He asked me a favour knowing I wouldn't betray his secret. He still teased the same way. He still leaned on people. But now he's dead #I don't know if I'm explaining myself well xD I think it's a pretty common emotion when it happens.Oh I forgot to censore words again sorry

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bitegore · 11 months ago

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god i really forgot that every business management professor specifically is the most unpleasant human being alive for no good reason. i have two business classes with like econ and accounting professors respectively and those look fine and then oh my god if i have to go back to this class with this professor i think i might actually kill myself

#red rambles #she's not. *mean*. she is. um. fucking. i think condescendiing is the word #she made us do a kahoot in class on questions we didn't know explicitly because she knew we didn't know them. i hate kahoots #she went through the syllabus like we were children which. fine whatever every professor does that it's why i hate the first class #but she also kept going off topic to give us life advice. never give me life advice ill fucking kill you #im really not sure what else was my fucking problem but i genuinely felt like i was being psychologically tortured #also i have done one of the several assignments for the class already and they're babyshit but its going to be one of my most #busywork heavy classes and she wants us doing discussion questions every fucking week #and i have to download yet another fucking app for her class #and i need it for my degree plan but oh my GOD. i need to get the fuck out of it #im gonna try and find a different session of the class taught by a different professor and switch in #do you know how much i have to hate a class if im willing to eat two entire finished homework assignments to get out of it #eta. i take it with this professor or i take it with a different professor i know and already know i cant stand #who is also going to work us like dogs unlike this prof who is going to apparently treat us like we are 14 years old #i guess its not college if i'm not being forced to experience psychological torment for an hour and a half every couple days lol #ill just have to like eat something before that class and do my best to fortify myself before i go in and turn evil

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featherymainffins · 6 months ago

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I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.

#I don't want to keep a snail as a pet because theyre kinda prone to shell injuries #and then they die. id be in a constant state of stress #i can't have tarantulas even though i really want to for the same reason - spiders molt and they can actually fuck up #and they fuck up kinda frequently. and if they fuck up they die #because they either tear off their organs in an attempt to free themselves or they essentially turn themselves to stone #or they suffocate. i know that I'd be extremely stressed every da #id be like 'what if it happens what if they fuck up molting i have to stand here on guard in case they start molting and mess up'#because sometimes if you're really fucking lucky you CAN manage to save them. but you have to #be there on time and you have to pray. because its much easier for you to kill them than save them #and i would never forgive myself for that #in general it's very stressful for me to keep pets who don't have very clear signals of joy and displeasure/pain because i #constantly worry about possibly taking bad care of them and them being unhappy #i loved my hamster but i did breathe a breath of relief when she died of old age because every day with her was just #so unbelievably stressful for me. i wouldn't help but be preoccupied with trying to figure out if i was doing something incorrectly #if i was a bad foster parent to her if she was content etc etc #she was a great hamster but the experience was very much 0/10 for me i would never own a hamster again #in the same vein i probably couldn't have a tarantula due to this as well.#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself #they said that if i killed myself they wouldn't care for her and she'd die so i had to stay alive.#a part of me knew they were bullshitting but it still freaked me out super hard and made me unimaginably anxious about #getting run over or anything happening to me and paradoxically that made me even more suicidal and depressed #didn't help that my mother didn't even believe in her own plan and accused me of planning to kill myself AND my hamster #she accused me of that several times. I've always had a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting animals so it #made me break down and self harm every time. obviously that made my mother even angrier and many a time it led to #her accusing me of being a danger to her and others #if she felt particularly hysterical she screamed i was just like my father and that she feared me as much as she had feared him #when he still had a gun. you can imagine how that made me feel considering i jsed to have nightly night terrors about my father #killing my mother.

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perenlop · 1 year ago

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"i just dont understand how a sane person could think of this" in response to a perfectly cute little piece based on a silly little image. i am attacking people with hammers

#shit like that sorta hits close to home i literally got called mentally unwell for similar stuff like having anthro cat ocs #bc ''if you were normal you wouldn't think of that stuff you'd think of normal kid stuff''#its soul sucking. i know thats a lot but its genuinely crushing.#its such an anti art attitude. only ever create things that are comfortable to the masses and fit within every single norm #never think outside of the box. even for silly things like a dog ponyo reference. thats Too Much. kill it. no human could do it.#it reminds me of when my aunt sought out my fanfic . net profile when i was in middle school with my pokemon and wc fics #and she made sure to loudly make fun of it at a party and talk about how it ''made her want to vomit'' bc it was so weird #and i needed to be checked out bc no normal kid would act like me. and that indirectly led to me deleting the entire account #bc i felt like a genuine fucking freak. it made me feel so insecure abt my art it made me so anxious to create #to this day i struggle with posting my writing specifically beyond stray ideas bc im worried itll pick up and people will say im a freak #and basically prove them all right #its a mindset im still trying to break down and its something my moms at least apologized for and im STILL affected by it so deeply #so it pisses me off so bad to see it repeated online even as a joke. especially when its used to harass people.#i feel like i need to tone myself down and make palatable art. but to some people that means the tamest shit ever like no anthro dogs #the only art allowed to exist to these people are those fucking eye doodles you make in math class and even thats a stretch

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authoralexharvey · 2 years ago

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It's my mother's birthday and all I can think of is all the ways she traumatized me growing up.

#There Was the Year She said I ruined her BDay Because I Came out as Bi #There's The One Time I tried to Tell Her I was NB and She Scoffed at Me #There's the Time She Threatened to Report me to the Police and Make Sure I Could Never Have Animals Again #Because Our Ferret's Water Bottle was Broken and I Didnt Know Until She Screamed at Me #When I was 12 She Said I Ruined Her Life by Being Born #When I Cut Myself and She Found Out She Made me Sit with Her and Plan What to do WHEN not IF she Found My Body #When I Tried to Kill Myself She Made it All About Her #I Did Choir for One Year and Stopped Because She Never Came to Concerts and Acted Like it was the Biggest Chore to Even Come Get Me #The Time She Accused me of Lying to my Fiance About Being Abused Because He Told Her I Have Panic Attacks When She Yells #All the Times I had to Be her Personal Therapist For Her Love Life #She Likes to Make Me Do Karaoke to Show Me Off #She Refused to Help Me Get a License #When I Told Her I Wanted to Live with Dad She Said My Bros Would Come With and theyd Never See Her Again #She Constantly Badmouthed Him Wherever She Could #Made Me Mad At Him Because He Wouldnt Be at My Birthday Parties (because Military) and Try to Make it Seem #Like He Wasnt There on Purpose #Would Refuse to Help Me with School and then Berated me for Failing #When I DID Ask for Help She Would Do it All then Yell at Me for Making Her Do it #Constantly Compared me to My Older Siblings Who I Didnt Even Know Yet and Made me Resent Them #I Took Care of My Brothers Growing Up. Not Her. But she Acts Like that Never Happened #A Bunch of Other Shit I Cant Even List #I Was Her Doll. Her Mini-Her. And Because of That my Bros Got it a Lot Worse #Anyway I have to See Her Today and I want to KMS #alex has the floor #tw: suicide #tw: abuse

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heartual · 9 months ago

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waaaaghhh

#🍄.txt #i lost so much weight being sick in 2021 and finally got back around to where i used to be earlier last year #except w starting birth control this is now the heaviest i’ve ever been 😭#IMAGINE my struggle with clothes the last three years. omfg #before that too actually when i first got sick in 2018 too 😭#tried on pants i got at the beggining of 2023 that i went a size down in bc my normal size was too baggy #they were borderline trying to unzip on me as i sat down and cut off my circulation GODDBYEEEE #i swear that bc has only stopped my period and made me put on weight more easily #CAN U TREAT THE OTHER PCOS SYMPTOMES TOO PLEASE #i haven’t weighed myself in months PUGHHHH i do not wish to see because it’s going to give me a very very bad complex about my weight again #*w my >#the changes w body in the last few years i am going insane please pick one range please i beg #OUUUGGGHHHHHH #it’s not even the weight anymore like i’ve tried to leave most of the internalized fatphobia in high school #but by god are clothes stressful with significant weight changes #also my mom with an eating disorder she won’t acknowledge or go to therapy for constantly being ‘concerned’ for my wellbeing #i finally don’t want to kill myself but god forbid … some of the medicación makes me gain weighte……#anyway. i yam frustrated a little bit #took advantage of old navy’s 50% off sale and got some shorts and pance in a more comfy size at least #amanda small win 💪#should be here in april 1st which is not giving me high hopes already 😭 but we move!#weight mention #ed mention

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makkie-is-screaming · 10 months ago

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I fucking can’t today

#Im tired and overwhelmed and I’m so sick of being the only responsible person in my house #I can’t even do my fucking school work because my dog needs food made everyday and my mom said she would start it #so I could finish my math test #then 20 mins later my brothers banging in my door bc my dog needs to go out so I have to stop my test to do that #then I see the dog food hasn’t been started so I need to do that but I have to do the dishes to make that #so I do the dishes then I’m doing the food and my brothers getting food and getting in my way bc he just can’t wait 30 mins #and he leave shit all over the counter that I need so I have to clean up after him while making dog food #then I finally finish the dog food and I’m cleaning the dishes I used when my brother comes over and leaves more dirty dishes #one had shrimp in it and the butters all gross and the smell alone made me want to vomit but I had to clean it #and I’m almost done when my sister comes out and sad that my cat got in my room and killed one of my plants n got dirt everywhere #Plus my dad came home early so now my mom wants me to vacuum #oh and I have to go to the store with her whenever she decided she’s ready to make sure she gets what we need #I’m currently sitting in my bathroom trying to calm down because I’m gonna snap and either kill someone else or myself if I don’t get a #break #And I still need to finish my math test #screaming

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neverendingford · 10 months ago

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#tag talk #anytime my friends point out that something I say is good advice or express that they see me as aspirational I'm always just like....#wtf how am I am example to look up to I'm just an idiot bumbling his way through life trying to avoid hitting her head on cabinet corners #honestly it's mostly just seeing mistakes others have made and going “I will not make those mistakes. I will make weirder mistakes than that #like. it feels a little like the “I'm eighty years old I'm done with putting up with everyone's bullshit” except it's #it's “I didn't kill myself so I'm not gonna put up with bullshit anymore”#like. I chose life. I'm not about to half-ass that decision. I'm not gonna walk back that decision. I'm not going to flinch away from it.#that fuckin... “what do we have to fear but fear itself” quote or whatever. like.. I died. you think anything else is gonna scare me?#if I'm going to be stuck here on this planet you bet your ass I'm gonna make the most of it. I'm not gonna be embarrassed. no shame.#we're all living here until we die and the things that matter are your own life and then the people around you.#I'm not going to miss out on a chance to find community and connection just because I'm afraid. I'm done being afraid.#though... I have been feeling shrimp emotions for the past two weeks and my stomach has tied itself up in knots over it.#I'm so detached because I'm afraid of feeling my emotions too strongly. so letting go and experiencing emotions is a lot for me.#and agghfffgghh I'm going to make it through this I'm going to make it through this but damn it's really rough #allowing yourself to get close to someone again after solidifying your position as unassailable is so hard.#especially because I've gotten so used to shielding the emotions of other people. hard to be honest when your honesty will hurt them #it's wild being around someone who's not wildly insecure because I can be genuine and honest and not worry about what I say hurting her.#I could say “I'm leaving in a year do you still want to date?” and trust that she would actually think it through and give a reliable answer #like. I can handle just my emotions because she's able to handle hers.#being in mental health spaces for so long I'm not used to interacting with emotionally stable people lmaooo #do you think I'm emotionally stable? I don't think I am. but then I meet other people who are wildly more unstable than I am and hmmm #like. sui wasn't an emotional choice it was a cost benefit analysis. I get emotionally unstable sure. but I contain myself until it's over.#I know enough to not be impulsive because I recognize impulsive behavior in others and thus in myself as well.#so like. I'm unstable but I'm not externally unstable. I know how to isolate when I'm in a wounded lashing out state.#anyway I've been processing so many emotions this past week because I'm wildly out of practice with allowing myself emotional honesty #instead of just bricking myself up behind my defensive apathy. I want to hold onto this. I want to continue to channel these emotions.#I want to be unafraid to tell people when I love them #though with her it's more of a Nerevarine situation. you are not someone I love but rather someone who might become that.#like. I haven't known her long enough to really say I love. but I very much think if things continue how they are I will be confident in it #and not even romantic love per se. I have some old friends who I genuinely love. several siblings who I love. most people I know I do not.

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phagodyke · 1 year ago

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roommate throwing me the curveball of "I get the feeling ur a physically affectionate person and its ok if u want to cuddle sometimes" then immediately hitting me with a SECOND curveball of "I also kind of like biting people. so if u ever want that too-"

#apropos of NOTHING?????#im trying to remember if ive made any particularly touch deprived comments lately that wouldve prompted her bringing this up #bc normally w the way she thinks abt things i can trace it back to smth specific. its kind of endearing actually #but i dont rember.. maybe its been on her mind a while. also its not like my behaviour is particularly subtle so maybe its that #im the walking talking epitome of that htn quote thats like you were so afraid anyone might touch you you had always been afraid of-#anyone touching you and had not known your longing flinch was so obvious to those who tried it like okay let me just KILL MYSELF!!!!!#im glad she did bring it up bc ive wanted to renegotiate physical boundaries for so long but im just. incapable of initiating that talk #bc its smth that feels so loaded to me bc touch is so complicated but i AM. a physically affectionate person at heart so!!!!!!#its actually been kind of one of my new years resolutions to be a little more open and try to erode some unnecessary boundaries #i think the latter has gotta stay off the table tho bc girl. im good with hugging but im incapable of being normal abt biting #if u start biting me i am going to start thinking thoughts u def do not want me having abt u so......#ANYWAY. man im so tired early bedtime tonight i think..#.diaries

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