#Constantly Compared me to My Older Siblings Who I Didnt Even Know Yet and Made me Resent Them

[authoralexharvey]

It's my mother's birthday and all I can think of is all the ways she traumatized me growing up.

[skylar-lei1634]

So I have had alot of people ask why I, not only really like Vanitas, but will defend him. Not just online but also in real life. When I explain, alot of people usually understand and think just like me about him when they get the whole story. In order for people to see where I'm coming from I'm writing this so that others can see where alot of Vanitas fans or "Vanitas's Protections Squad" are coming from when they talk about him and wanted him to have a redeemed arc. Now I still stand by my original post about "respecting Vanitas since he decided to stay in the dark because it makes him seen as a decisive "bad guy". But at the same token, I wished he still had been redeemed and given happiness from all the bullshit that was thrown at him and he was forced to go through. And yes he did go through a lot of shit so shut the fuck up about him being a 2D bad guy. I am not saying that Vanitas was a good guy... nor was he a bad guy. What he did was wrong and he shouldn't get a free pass just like in real life someone who fucked up should also be held accountable for the shit they did. But in the same breath he should be allowed to be redeemed. He should have the same opportunity just like Riku did. Now the reason why I love this guy? He reminds me of myself before I got to see that I need to save myself and that I am worth being saved. And I didnt see that until 2 or 3 years ago. Backstory of the bare minimal: my dad wasn’t the best "father" figure. I was used multiple times by him and his 2wife for the years I lived with him. From the age 8 to the age of 13 I was bombarded with the words of "You can be better just like your sister and step brother". "If you cant do [thing] then you're useless to your future husband". "You're lying. Your siblings said that it happened this way". "If you pushed yourself like I did then you wouldnt be making 79s." "[Step brother] is watching the kids so you do the chores." "Well why isnt [sister] helping?" "DONT TALK BACK TO ME! GO TO YOUR ROOM!" "You dont know how to do your own laundry (even though I never showed you how?)? GO TO YOUR ROOM!" "DID YOU LIE TO ME!? GO TO YOUR ROOM." "You started a fight with [what ever kids name]? Go to your room!" "But he touched me in a place that mom said no one was allowed!" "No boy is thinking about that at the age of 12! Now write me 750 sentences saying 'I will not talk back'." And I know this isn't alot of things to you see as abuse. You'll probably say "This is the parental responsibility thing. This isn’t abuse! This is nothing to the other stuff that real abused people deal with". And you're right. My abuse isn’t anything compared to the horror stories being told and shown. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room. I never got to play outside during that entire time. And when I was bored and reading, drawling, exercising, then my dad would come in, back hand me until I bleed, threw anything I owned against the wall, and took away anything that you could call "personal". And when there was nothing left? He took my door. He took the only communication to my mother. By the time I was 12 I was suicidal. I had given up on finding myself. I was an empty shell. Until my father decided to kick me out without warning that day and I had to take everything I own (my clothes and shoes) and take them. After my mom had rang the bell and I asked why she was here. Now imagine, if you made it here this far, you have just been born into a unknown world in the most brutal and painful way. You feel broken and off. Weak and seeping with the dark as you try to stay sane enough against the shadows whispering in your head. You see your body, broken but still alive and you feel rage. Rage because this wouldn’t have happened if you were stronger. If you were faster you wouldn’t be broken into two parts. And so you tell your "Master" to take your body/lighter half away or you would kill them. And ruining the plan that your Master made on the fly. So you're left alone. In a desolate world surrounded by dead keyblade weilders. Some of which you know are old friends because you still hold the memories. Why? Because you have the "heart", the mind of your original person. You are an 11-year-old that's truly just a babe left alone to your own devices. You remember how to live but realize that your practically immortal. Which you would think be awesome but no. It's not. But the thing is: you aren’t just sitting there and contemplating life. You are suffering. Your emotions run wild and you try to fight the pain that courses through you. Everytime you push the anger, fear, pain, emptiness, and every negative emotion you have constantly, away you make these things called "Unverse". The pain and negativity fades to nothing but, as the fog clears from your mind,  you see these and another emotion welds up in you. Embarrassment. So you take your keyblade, get off the ground, and attack them. Why? Because now everyone can see your emotions. They scatter in fear as you destroy them and when they disappear? The negativity comes back. 10xs stronger than when you pushed them away. And then you feel angry. Angry that you cant control this. Angry that these are your weakness. Angry that your Master still hasn’t come back from doing whatever he is doing with Ventus as you fight and fight and fight. You keep fighting. You do it in the blazing sun. In the blistering heat. In the choking dust. You fight until you fall. You fight until you are just twitching. You fight until you pass out. You wake up and see them again. But everytime you destroy one it comes right back. Over and over and over again. For years you continuously fight. Not stopping until you cant anymore only to wake up and do it all over again. And when I mean by years I don’t mean "It’ll feel like years". No I mean for the first 3 years of your entire pathetic existence all you do is fight, pass out, fight some more. After a while your Master shows up! But all he does is stares. He watches you; all for his plan. He sends Heartless. He sends random attacks. All during which you fighting your own emotions. Falling down in pain every time until you finally start to get use to the suffering. And then, after those goddamn three years, your Master comes again. Only this time, he comes with salvation. Your own personal Tourniquet. "If you want to be whole again and stop the pain, you must forge the X-Blade with you lighter half. Only then will the suffering end". After 3 years, you finally have a purpose. You finally can be useful. And all you have to do is find your lighter self, fight him enough and then become one. Because if you are in so much pain. Then he should be too. So you follow the directions that your Master tells you until you come to a world with a castle. And its peaceful. It has no Unverse. There's grass and flowers and life. Not one shadow of a Heartless. Darkness does not exist here. It's not welcome. It's a stark contrast from the world that you lived in. It makes you angry, viscous, violent, and, over all, betrayed. Here you are hurting day in and day out. Suffering for living. For being an abomination just like your other half. But yet, he isn't feeling even an ounce of your suffering. That's when you realize that it's not fair.

That while you were being shunned. Your "better" half was being praised. While you fought, he was getting fancy dinners. While you bled, he got hugs and kisses. While you were told "don’t stop fighting", he was told "take it easy Ven". While you were being called an abomination, he was being praised as an angel. All because hes the light even though you two were the same thing. And what makes it worse? Is the fact that he doesn't know who you are. So then you look at the choices laid out before you and only really see one. Because who could ever love a monster like you? You plan. You scheme. You send Unverse upon Unverse at Ventus to get him stronger. You taunt him and the ones around him. You let the anger flow and become essential to existing.

When the final fight is here your ready. The pain will stop. You can be whole again. But everything fails. You fall apart in the dark. Lost in the dark. Reaching out from the dark. Watching in pain, betrayal, hurt, need as your other half fades away into light. You feel useless as the last thing you see is the content smile on the blonde"s lips. And you finally come back after years again. Ready to take your vengeance one the one who hurt you the most: Ventus. Only to find out hes trapped safely inside a wimpy boy, barely older than you. Even after "death" he still lives comfortably. You realize in the end: hes doesn’t understand. He never will. And so you chose the dark. Because that's who you are. That's all you ever will be. The light cant understand the dark.

[wormsongs]

some uhh personal thoughts related to marvel stuff... its uh... long

as much as i love the expansion of gamora and nebula’s relationship, how nice it is to see sister relationships explored in hollywood media. i think ill always relate more to mcu thor and lokis relationship. while gamora and nebula represent siblings in an openly abusive household pushed to the extreme and scifi, something i cant directly relate to, the boys represent more a relationship strained by expectations, envy, and ignorance; something i WAY more relate to

my half brother is 10 years older than me. when i was a kid i idolized him, as most kids do with their older siblings. he wasnt a perfect student, hell, he wasnt even a GOOD student he was pretty angry and rebellious during high school. but i was a kid i didnt care i loved him, like really loved him (before i knew what marriage was actually i thought it just meant spending forever with someone and i wanted to “marry” him so you can imagine how healthy this relationship was). he spent time with me sometimes, yeah, we played video games and stuff but i got in the way alot. then he graduated and left me. he moved out of state, to where his mom lived. and i grew up, moved on, didn’t see or even talk to him for probably 5 years. I was maybe 9 when he left. I was always told “you cant be as bad as drew was” or “you’ve got to be better than he was.” this was a brother i idolized for my whole life, and i was being told of his flaws without him there, being compared to him constantly by my parents (mostly my mom which is a whole other can of worms). and even though he wasn’t the perfect brother, you can imagine the kind of pressure that puts on a kid.

then his mom died of cancer and he moved back to austin. we hadn’t talked for 4 or 5 years, and last time we did i was a kid. the first memory i have of him where i wasnt a straight up kid was him taking me and my dad to watch Avengers in theaters. (wow what a coincidence that i just put together on the spot). but even then his life was a wreck and i was still a kid. we didnt talk. what had been idolization became distance and pressure on me.

i was the perfect kid, never snuck out, always got good grades, didnt do a weed or drink, never went to parties. I had to be, bc i “couldn’t be as bad as drew.” So i was sure not to be. But i had maybe 3 friends. this was early highschool, 2013 about and i still barely talked to my brother. I think the first time we hung out in probably months was seeing thor 2 (huh how bout that. I was in the Loki phase by then.) but I was still the perfect student and a good swimmer, if a bit weird and obsessed. i still had a chance to be “better than drew.”

then junior year of highschool rolled around. and thats when i started to fall apart. good ol Depression kicked in, wasnt too bad yet, but my grades started to slip. But all that mattered was “i wasn’t as bad as drew.” I couldn’t be so i didnt talk to anybody about it, let alone my parents. I couldn’t, i had to be better. so i swam and a went to school and i obsessed over marvel bc it was what i had. I shamed myself out of liking loki (NOT what i should have done turns out that only made things worse)

Senior year was the worst. figured out i wasnt straight. Depression was bad, cutting, suicidal thoughts, the whole 9 yards. It was rough, but i still went to school and i still swam, i still saw marvel movies, my life went on bc “i couldn’t be as bad as drew.” my cuts got found out and the counselor called me in. I lied, said it was my cat. a good excuse because i do have scars from my cat. i lied, and my parents believed me. still believe me to this day. still dont know that i used to cut. i lied, i kept lying every time someone asked me about the scratches on my leg. but my parents knew i “wasn’t as bad as drew.”

only difference was that i was talking to my brother again, barely, but talking. mostly through work out class that he taught. it was weird, he never knew how i felt, doesnt know still. but it was something. he was older and better than me now, his life was back on track, he just got a girlfriend, he had a job. I was a depressed, suicidal, cutting, queer highschooler who picked a college only passivly and let others do most of the decision making (which suited my mom fine), i didnt care, i was so tired. I was “worse than drew” even if no one ever knew it. I knew it.

things got better after highschool, i stopped cutting, got my first tattoo over my scars, i tried to pull myself out a depressive spiral, i prepared for college. I was “Stable”, i talked to my brother sometimes. turns out the college i basically let my mom pick for me was a good fit. life was hard but it had been harder. and away from my parents i didnt have to be “better than drew” even if the memory remains.

only problem was, i had never paid any attention to my jealousy and anger. i never addressed that i had any towards my brother. only now, years and years later, after a summer where i finally hung out with him almost twice a week, am i finally letting myself get mad at my brother. im letting him annoy me if we hang out too long. im letting myself feel jipped if he says were gonna do something and then backs out. im acknowledging his flaws and my own. i still struggle with the “worse than drew” mentality bc he is better than me now, and what i want to do is not a profiting business. but its better.

and well, tldr:

ive got an older half brother who i idolized. who my parents compared me to constantly. who, by some weird coincidence, has a deep connection w mjolnir in my head (via his tattoo of it) and a cool dark haired athletic girlfriend that could kick my ass (like what kinda fucking coincidence), that dropped out of my life pretty dramatically at a turning point. a brother that i was secretly, even to myself, envious of, envy that came from unhealthy idolization. a brother who thinks “you can tell me anything” even though i CANT because of the distance between us he hasnt quite fully acknowledged either. 

and me, the younger, not straight, sibling who was(is) depressed, who felt abandoned by a brother who didnt really mean to abandon me, who was held so high and tried so hard to keep that reputation that i didnt let myself grow healthily. who lied about my problems and still isnt really to term with how i feel about my brother. who feels worse than their sibling because they were always told to be better.

and reconciliation is everything i want but everything i dont think i can get because of my own inclination to lock things away and ignore them.

also ive called my brother thor so many goddamn times totally on accident and my brain needs to chill the fuck out like i get it i understand the connection pls dont expose me im not ready for that yet

and just like... mcu thor and lokis relationship is something i hold so dear and close bc its so familiar. i want them to do better bc i want to do better