ex-celsia

[ex-celsia]

The idea of a native Twitter app for the Mac is kinda funny to me because I would very much like to know who is dying to tweet from their computer

Also I bet you can Tweet from Alfred so maybe I'm wrong

[ex-celsia]

College Time

Hell yeah, this is pretty fucking cool. Don’t you think so?

I think I’ll end up getting Drafts for my laptop too. Usually I like to use a text editor to start all of my writing, and I think that Drafts is the best one I’ve found yet. The only thing I wish it did by default was pull the margins in more (they’re a little too wide for this iPad), otherwise I think this’ll be fairly good.

There we go. Finally, some good fucking margin.

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College is pretty fucky, I’m not going to lie. So far I’ve had a lot of sex, a lot of stress and depression, and not a ton of schoolwork. Not because I don’t have any work that I’m supposed to be doing, but more because I seem to be falling into the habit of ignoring my work and the things that I should be doing.

It’s not good.

I keep thinking about how I want to write about my feelings, or how I want to write about something relating to what I like, but I never seem to have the resolve to execute. At least, never when I have the time.

I don’t do any of my work on time. Is that my fault? Yes, absolutely. I feel shitty about it, but I also kind of know that I’m in a really different space than I’m used to. My life has changed (dramatically), so it makes a lot of sense that my expectations would need to change along with it.

I find myself wishing I could squeeze in more sleep often, though. Does not help that it’s times like this (00:54) and I haven’t started going to sleep. I know that it should be a priority, I just can’t seem to convince my rational brain that it’s very important that I get into some sort of rhythm.

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Is it fucked up that I, a 18 year old, am sleeping with a 30 year old? I think that it is, but I can’t seem to get over the thoughts of how I don’t really care that older people are into me. Not in the “perv” way, but more the basic “they like me” way.

No one really gives me attention back home, so going to college and suddenly being told that you’re cute is like…a real shock. I’ve spent ages in my own little cave, believing that I wasn’t really all that desirable, but being proven wrong has shifted the way that I think about myself in my mind. Thanks Tinder.

Gotta admit though, I wish that I could be comfortable with a 20 year old and not a 29 year old by default, y’now? The rest of my peers are busy swiping on people that are 4 years near their age, when I’m busy looking at guys that are a full 10 years my senior.

It’s kinda upsetting.

I’m not upset because I’m fucked up—because that would come from a place of self-hatred and loathing—I’m more upset because I’d like to know who did something to me to make me feel like I feel better when someone I’m romantically, sexually and emotionally close to is far older than me. Me connecting my comfort level to the age of the person I’m with is a pure trauma development, and it’s fucked up. Why did I get hurt so bad that I turned into this teenager with a desire to be small spooned by someone closer in age to my father than to me? (That’s an exaggeration.)

Maybe I should stop having sex and get back to doing computer things. Probably.

[ex-celsia]

or so i say i have no one to share my experiences with it's not really my fault that i end up like that i think some motherfuckers would say "you're a little pitiful" but those other qualities make up for it or that's what they think i know that you shouldn't say anything

[ex-celsia]

i'm not anything you want in your life i won't cry over this whole thing i just want to work for the end i just want everything to end i just want to end i want

fuck it up

[ex-celsia]

look away now, this part hurts don't look at me while i draw while i make the blueprint while i try my best to while i stay in my world and you stay in yours if you can, stay away from me

[ex-celsia]

it’s not anyone’s fault

it’s my own for breathing this

taking your air

making you feel like you needed me

making you feel like you wanted me

i’m close to saying I’m sorry

i’m not sorry about being this way

i’m just sorry that you had to see it

[ex-celsia]

trains

I’ve written a bunch of words on a page before, but rarely do I use the page to express my vulnerability and clear up some of my own feelings. I mean, a huge part of it is that I’ve grown up believing that everything that I hold dear to me should be kept within and far away from outsiders (my parents are not only cynics, but generally afraid of the outside), so this is going to be such a departure for me.

Okay, so, I’m trans, right? I know I’m trans, I’ve known I’m not cis for the longest time, but the thoughts around transitioning have always been like...eh, to me. As someone living in a place where I know a bunch of other trans people and know how all of those people have been able to transition, I find myself tempted by the idea of being able to finally “take control of my body” and experience the puberty 2 I wanted when I was 16. However, I keep wondering whether my reminder that I technically can transition is slowly influencing my general desire to transition.

I did do the research yesterday, and I was thinking about it today (my graduation day), spending the majority of my extra time tweaking my online profiles to reflect the fact that I now am putting myself back out there as simply “trans”, but I just worry I’ll say “fuck it”, transition, and then realize that I wasn’t transitioning for myself as much as I was doing it as a fuck you to whatever lack of control I feel.

I have no idea how common this experience is, but I worry that my new excitement in transitioning will be my downfall, as the changes I’ll experience will show me that I’m not actually this person that I said I wanted to be. I’ll end up unhappy as a more “feminine” presenting person (in terms of my body), because I’ll end up with the dysphoria I feel when I imagine myself as a full on “woman”.

I don’t mind imagining myself as a girl though…? I’m totally fine with people thinking of me as a girl if I felt that my body would match that feeling, but then I wonder why people gendering me in that way is part of that equation at all.

I’m still planning on transitioning at this point, full steam ahead, I just have a lot of these thoughts.

My friends are doing a stellar job in walking me through the whole thing, but the biggest thing: I worry they’ll dislike me for moving too fast. That’s my biggest trans fear. What if all the people that I love, all the people that support me, all the people that I value the opinions of end up judging me because I “remembered” that I was trans and just jumped right into transitioning? What if they think “wow, they really didn’t think about it, did they”, and they judge me for my haste to get started? What if they see me as less of a good character because I chose to transition as fast as possible, seemingly coming out of nowhere? What if I lose them because they feel I’m less trans, more trender?

That’s really what this comes down to I think, because I’ve still got this “transtrender” fear ingrained into my mind from all the media I’ve consumed. It sucks ass. It’s not like I want to “try” estrogen, it’s that I want to experience the changes, acknowledging the ways in which it still might not be the greatest. I don’t particularly feel like I desire boobs, but I do desire everything else.

Fuck it.

[ex-celsia]

Forgiveness

(A note: I get all of my information from the book, Complex CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, just to make it clear!)

'Many people are burned by the simplistic advice telling them that they must be totally and absolutely forgiving (of the person that hurt them) in order to recover.' (I'm paraphrasing.)

My parents actually still hold this belief, and it's super destructive. I suspect that part of why they believe it so much is that, in our culture, people will do shitty things to you, and since they will probably never truly apologize to you, you have to "forgive" them for the way that they hurt you in order to overcome whatever anger you feel.

The thing is: it doesn't work. You can forgive and forget as much as you want, but unless you truly forgive someone, it really doesn't mean shit. They want me to forgive them for a lot of the things that they do, for they way that they are, not realizing that I'm allowed to not forgive them and move on. Of course, I resent them for the shit that they've done, but I don't really have to forgive them for it in order to actually keep healing myself.

When I forgive someone for what they've done to me, it must come from a place of me genuinely feeling like I have forgiven them for what they've done. Forgiving someone because "eh, the past is the past" ignores the feelings that you have, and it minimizes how you felt and how it affected you. My feelings are important, and to act as if they're not just pushes my recovery backwards.

As I always say, it's still a work in progress, but I would not be surprised if this is still something I'm working on some few years later. As long as I have to be dealing with my folks, I will never really get good at giving forgiveness and not giving it. That said, I am good at withholding my forgiveness these days. I've gotten good at saying that an apology was "accepted" (or not accepted lol), but not knowing when I actually feel like I forgive someone.

[ex-celsia]

"I have the right to say no."

Growing up around my parents, I never truly believed that I was right to say no to something. I guess I grew up believing that if someone wanted something from me and the power structure was such that they had more power than me, I should do whatever they wanted.

I suspect that it's a large reason I have such issues in my relationships today. I don't keep a lot of relationships, mostly because I think I try to avoid the conflict that comes with them. When presented with a situation where someone wants me to say yes, most of the time I'll do it, and not because I've taken it into serious consideration. I don't know how to stand up for myself, and it's because of how I grew up.

African parent power dynamics are so fucked up.

As always, it's a work in progress, but I suspect that I won't get better at enforcing my boundaries until I actually get to a level where I'm not reliant on my folks. As long as I keep "having" to say yes, I won't learn exactly how to say no. In my personal (friend) life though, I'm trying to draw my boundaries...with a crayon. It's tough.

[ex-celsia]

One thing I love about my brain is that it is both extremely good at deflecting important memories and thoughts and also extremely terrible at deflecting said thoughts.

Like today, I've been trying to get myself to look at my college class lineup and actually pick out my classes for the next semester, but instead I've been sitting at my workspace writing and tinkering with Discord all day. I didn't even mean to put anything off, but between my ADHD and my brain's eternal desire to reduce stress, I've managed to put it off until almost the last few days.

There are a lot of other things I also feel I should do before some date, but my brain is mean and when I think about it, I feel mental pain that just makes me want to not think about it? So instead I watch YouTube videos about the MacBook Pro because that's much softer on the brain.

I don't know what any of this is either; whenever I ask the questions to my therapist or psychologist, I always get these "well you seem fine and i've known you long enough, so i don't think so" which doesn't help me because I am: very good hiding things from people in my interactions with them.

I dunno, I want answers about myself, but every step of the way it's like someone else seems to have more of them than I do. I'm sure some people can be satisfied knowing that they are just...different, but as always, I want moreeeeeee.

The mind is definitely not the same as my discovery of my gender, despite me getting similar signals from similar people. It's been a bit tough trying not to conflate the two, because my hesitation is exactly that of the last time I tried to do some self-discovery, the eternal fear of judgement and being wrong, but this time, it's a lot more...serious? Or at least, trying to interpret the quirks of my mind is not something that can be done in a bubble.

I just hope I get answers soon enough.

[ex-celsia]

It is almost 2 am again and I need to stop doing this but it occurred to me that I have a fixation on tech and technology (specifically phones, laptops and desktops) and I have no space where I can nerd out without feeling weird about who I am

I'm sure there are plenty of places and discord servers where people wouldn't really care about me being non-binary, neurodivergent and queer and shit but I always like knowing that the people I'm talking to get me, and that's why they don't mind, as opposed to them not minding because they just don't give a shit about the lgbtq or others

Maybe I should start a space, huh

[ex-celsia]

[ex-celsia]

one of the million reasons i opted to not have my grades sent to my african parents lmao not about to put that on top of my plate

still, can't wait to sit in my bedroom unable to focus on my class for 3 hours :)

at the same time...learning is fun

ha ha! whuh oh!!! ha !!!

[ex-celsia]

I've been trying to get myself to write blog posts forever, but whenever I do, my default always seems to be edgy fiction or blog posts that are basically diary entries since they're so personal, it's kinda annoying.

And so I've decided that maybe taking away the...professionalism that comes with using my keyboard and iPad and just using my phone will maybe allow me to channel my feelings in a way that's sincere but not ultra serious (although who am I kidding, I am ultra serious all the time)

Quarantine has honestly taught me that I don't give myself enough credit in anything that I do, not even in my artwork that I consider to be my best quality. I even split my depression into another being in my mind; pretending like I'm at the mercy of this evil being called my brain.

The thought of taking back power seems...kinda freeing, but also kinda impossible? I've never been one to particularly believe in myself, and I barely know what believing in myself looks like, but I definitely want to grow in that area.

Not being neurotypical sucks ass, because every day that I wake up feeling good I'm always acutely aware that there's infinite world potential to fuck me up later on, and I do mildly resent myself for resigning myself to just saying "there's nothing i can do" when in reality there's also some potential for me to aid myself.

In any case, I want to keep on the self-improvement train because if anything, it'd make interesting content.

[ex-celsia]

The grot wrapped in aluminum persists for the uncultured

Her shoulders were heavy with the responsibilities placed on her. She knew the standard she was being compared to was unreasonable, but the test counted on her success. She wasn’t afforded the ability to become a failure.

Taught to loathe herself, she grew to hate the reality of her being. Slowly, but surely, she grew to antagonize her existence. The poison traveled to her heart, spreading to the rest of her body. Her brain was taken over, populated with the desire to eradicate her life. No god would take her, no friend would see the full picture, and the demons in her closet grew more and more. She was ruining the opportunities laid in front of her, opting for the knife.

She stared at the weapon. She was one of her enemies. She was her biggest enemy. She had the power to wipe herself out of the planet. And yet, she couldn’t commit.

Now, with a knife stuck in her leg, she limped to the future, tears running, looking for a savior, or a bullet.

[ex-celsia]

The Clock Keeps Ticking, and yet, my feet stay anchored.

It’s a rough time, is all I’ll really say, haha.

I’ve got this feeling that there’s something I’m supposed to be doing while I’m at home. Home is where you unwind, relax, right? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s relaxing at all?

My expectations are still far too high.

There’s too much to do, too little to be done, so much earth to cover, and no world for me. Living in this time feels like everything is at once overwhelming and also not enough to overwhelm me.

I want to run, somewhere, anywhere. Still, I can’t see where I’m going.

I’m strong, yeah. But sometimes, I have to break.

[ex-celsia]

It has to be a two way street, bub.

During a conversation with my father today, I brought up the 5G-pandemic conspiracy. I found it absurd that everyone’s favorite tech YouTube, MKBHD, had to say something about the whole thing. (For the record, 5G does not cause diseases, sorry to burst anyone’s conspiracy bubble.) 

My father, like he do, tried to convince me that he should be PC about it and say “as far as he knows” (which I disagree, since people should have the right to make the statements that they believe are true, even if they are flatly incorrect or uninformed. There’s no universe in which all speech should be funneled through the lens of soft footsteps (I don’t think that makes sense), whether right or wrong. We can have the argument of whether some topics should be treated with more care and whether it’s the responsibility of the speaker to keep their voice, reach and audience in mind sometime else, but that’s not my point.).

Through this argument, he had a point that he was trying to make about the effects of someone’s widespread voice, to which he had a good point. But the entire thing was null when I felt as if I was continually being talked down to, despite my valid, though not necessarily correct, argument. It then occurred to me that this is why people refuse to listen to each other.

My family is already a bit nuts so they’re not the best example of how rational people conduct themselves, but they’re the perfect example of how irrational people do things most of the time, that’s for sure.

No one wants to listen to anyone that treats them like they’re a dummy that doesn’t know what’s right yet, whether they’re correct or not. I’ve got a little bit of arrogance in my character, I won’t lie, but talking down to people is dangerous, because you heavily risk your argument blowing up in your face as the other person figures that you’re not considering what they think at all.

Conversations and relationships are a two way street, and even if you’re not particularly feeling like engaging with the other person’s “crazy argument”, keeping an ear out and trying to think about what they're saying rather than “how crazy wrong they are” can go miles farther than you’d believe.

Plus...it doesn’t hurt to change your mind, y’now? We’re humans, we’re wrong all the time. Changing your mind is just part of life. Don’t be like White Diamond; you can’t always know the right way.

I’m probably preaching to the choir here, but it was just a thought I had, haha. I should write about living with emotionally immature people sometime, they’re a very interesting spectacle, if anything. Not to shame my family or anything (lord knows we need more blogs about ‘I hate my parents’ or whatever), but more shine a light on the behavior that doesn’t make sense unless you consider it’s like living with a bunch of children who have money and jobs. It’s a fascinating topic, I swear.