#im really not sure what else was my fucking problem but i genuinely felt like i was being psychologically tortured

[bitegore]

god i really forgot that every business management professor specifically is the most unpleasant human being alive for no good reason. i have two business classes with like econ and accounting professors respectively and those look fine and then oh my god if i have to go back to this class with this professor i think i might actually kill myself

[very-d1pper]

inspired by a post from @jamandjazz

How Johnny Cade, Dallas Winston, and Steve Randle are affected by their parent issues.

ok so keep in mind i havent read the book since december (i dont have my own copy) so this might be a bit wrong. im using info from my mind, the movie, the musical, tiktok, and here.

Johnny Cade

so its canon that johnny wouldve ran away if it werent for the gang (starting off strong with dally-johnny parallels OUCH)

the abuse from his parents definitely gave him a fucked up sense on what it means to feel loved

which is why johnny gets along with dally so well, i'll get into that more in dally's part

he 100% thinks that the entire world hates him except for the gang

someone said that he is so sweet its sick, not true. the abuse definitely toughened him up enough that he will be mean to strangers

he canonically is somewhat responsible (going out to the store to buy supplies and giving ponyboy a note)

im saying that because im pretty sure pony says something like twobit and someone else in the gang would forget to buy something johnny remembered

johnny learned that from having to live out on the street sometimes when his parents fought or kicked him out for multiple days

he is the living definition of forgive but never forget

he just wants a home

i personally hc that the abuse started as johnny grew older, maybe when he was 6-8 years old

which is why johnny (especially in the musical) still cares about his parents

because he remembers that they WERE good people

and he hopes to bring them back eventually

Dallas Winston

oh this man...

ran away from his problems. thats canon

his mom died when she gave birth and thats why his dad is the alcoholic deadbeat abuser he is

the abuse from his parents gave him a fucked up sense on what it means to love

which is why he can talk to johnny so well because johnny is used to the type of love dally gives

he 100% hates the world except for the gang

the abuse toughened up both johnny and dally, the thing is dally grew up with it, johnny was raised with love at first

also dally's environment in ny, that place is rough in many areas

tulsa doesnt have that, at least not on the level of ny

he's rough with everyone because thats what he learned

Steve Randle

UGH THIS MAN BRO

screw u se hinton for giving us NOTHING abt him

anyways!!

the neglect sooo fucked him up

then his dad giving physical money for forgiveness?

hell nahhh

steve definitely felt like he cannot be loved without paying someone

like with real money

which made him feel unlovable because he's like broke as fuck

soda was the first person to show him what love actually is

his mom uhh eloped to wherever after steve's birth ig idfk

steve thinks everything in the world comes with a price, even an ounce of love

i literally cant think of shit for this man rn

All Three

accidentally trauma bonding

johnny mentioned something then both steve and dally said "same"

genuinely concerning from an outsider standpoint but really funny to them

if it was modern au darry or soda wouldve sent them to therapy

one time johnny got kicked out and went to the curtis house and found steve in the kitchen

j: "kicked out?"

s: "...yeah"

j: "same."

then dally walks in

d: "bottles got thrown at me in buck's place"

j: "ptsd?"

d: "no-" *remembers he's with two people who had it happen to them* "...yeah"

j and s- "its good."

johnny convinces them to do a cuddle blob thing (the gang's done them before)

darry wakes up and see them, doesnt comment but remembers for blackmail

[butmakeitgayblog]

I would like to run over Lexa, resurrect her, kiss her better and run over her again.

She loved (loves) you for fuck sake, she told you that and you broke up with her?!

Listen.

I know she had reasons, and I know Clarke is not entirely innocent here (even though until now she's just a babe but I trust you), but I would be so furious if I was Clarke when Lexa will eventually confess her feelings.

Can you imagine feeling not enough for someone you love? To know to be not enough because even though you are indeed soulmates, the person you are sure to be THE one, broke up with you? And you know why, or maybe you think you do, but she's still rejected you.

I'm so mad.

I know Lexa comes from a place of survival instinct and pain, but I'm so furious.

SHE TOLD HER SHE LOVES HER.

SHE SHOWS YOU THAT.

I'm... I'm so sad for the both of them, but because I was once in Clarke shoes, it's so sad I want to hug her.

In most of the ff Lexa is the one portrait as tough and still fragile, strong and delicate, but to observe Clarke being put aside (I know they still keep seeing each other, and being cute to each other and loving but it's... Not... You know? Enough?).

And to marry someone that you know, you KNOW is not the one for you but you do it anyway because you gave up on your soulmate, you chose the second best option... I really wanna run over Lexa.

I want to hug her really tight and punch her with love until she understands.

And then I want to hug Clarke and push their faces together while I whisper "And now... Kith... AND STAY TOGETHER OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN."

Sorry.

My doctor would be a little bit disappointed about my heart rate right now.

I read this 3 times cackling 😭 (not the part about you, that im very sorry for and I'm sorry you can relate 😔 if you ever wanna send asks aboit Clarke's perspective you can! It help balance this out a bit because so far everything has been filtered through Lexa's pov)

Listen these are all valid things to feel. Lexa is very stupid in some ways, but those ways are indeed born out of insecurity and problems with accepting her self-worth.

I do want to point tho, just as a possible way to kind of... console the anger we all feel here, Clarke was not at all alone in how much she threw herself into this relationship. Lexa absolutely, 100%, just melted herself into Clarke. This 19 year old kid went from having no stability beyond her own work ethic, and no one who she felt cared about her, to having this sarcastic, mouthy, and genuinely weird little blonde lady who was very pretty and very much in love with her. And she did devote herself and her time and every ounce of her disgustingly robust affections to Clarke whenever they were together. Lexa forgot the world just to be near her, because that was obviously the only place she was meant to be.

But that was the problem.

Just how much she actually devoted herself and her time to Clarke became the problem. I mean it did more than that, there are other thoughts and emotions and insecurities at play that Lexa will word-vomit out eventually, bUT the crux of it all came down to her not having the emotional maturity to know how to balance a love that big, along with everything else.

But she never stopped loving Clarke. Not once. And while, no, she wasn't entirely truthful with Clarke or herself about what kind of love for years, and while it certainly wasn't "enough" (i know, for lack of a better word here), it was still incredibly palpable to anyone around her. It was tangible and demonstrative enough that it kept Clarke right there with her for almost a decade. It was intense enough and blatant enough that Costia gave up even trying to compete in under a year. There is just no questioning it when they're together. Everyone sees it pretty much immediately: Lexa is head over heels in love with that girl.

And that was the thing... Clarke saw it too. She felt it every single day.

She's just kinda stupid too 🥴

So I hear you, I do. Breathe lol. Check the pulse bby it's ok I promise. Just distract yourself with thoughts of them married with lil Griffin babies that Lexa cooks up herself simply because she loves Clarke that much

[callias-w]

I really like Yuma's character, and I think so far, he's one of my favorite game protagonists.

I've only played up until chapter 2 of Raincode, when the peacekeepers appear, so I have no idea what happens next.

He's genuinly a good person. He goes around helping people who might need it, and feels frustrated/sad when he gets things wrong. Like when the nun of the church asks him if he can go listen to people's problems, he encounters this girl in a hoodie who is "happy". At first, I got the answer wrong, didn't think much of it, but then Yuma looked so upset for not have been able to help her, and I felt awful. He says something along the lines of "I don't think that's what she needed to hear… will she be ok?"

So obviously I had to retry. Yuma goes back, notices that something's going on with the woman, and asks her if something we cant see is hurting her. She tries to play it off, saying if she waits long enough, it'll go way. But Yuma insists, that she doesn't have to be alone, If she's scared she can go to the detective agency, that they'll help her, that there's no reason to do this alone. He says this with such conviction, and such genuine worry, scared for the woman's safety. And beceause im a sensitive bitch I almost fucking cried. I felt so relieved I retried that interaction. And Yuma looked calm.

He has the power to share, I believe. I play in spanish so idk what that power in named in english, but basically what happens is that if he holds hand with someone, he can share their power. It's pretty cool to be honest, but what that power entails is that he… can't do things alone. He needs people to also help him, and that makes him feel powerless aswell. Sure he can go around and help people for no reason but he can't bring himself to rely on others without feeling… useless. And he's so fucking real for that. He tries to fight these thoughts away, telling himself that he'll figure things out on his own, but… at the same time, he's using Shinigami's power, not his. What good is a detective, when he can't solve mysteries alone?

And so, his struggle of why he's a detective. Or why he wanted to be a detective so badly in the first place. To find justice, he tells himself, but a detective's goal isn't to impart justice. It's to find the truth. So Shinigami also imparts a kind of… justice. And eye for an eye, kind of justice, that Yuma despises. They're not only dying. You're killing them. And that's no difference from what Amaterasu corp is doing, since they're picking people and just executing them without a chance of redemption. Sure they're criminals, these people hiding the truth, but that… doesn't make them less human. And the only one that seems to notice this, is Yuma. Everyone else is so… out of touch. Halara for instance, they don't even flinch at the sight of a corpse, for them it's just another day at work. Desuhiko can't stand the sight of a corpse, but he's also terribly out of touch with humanity, like he isn't going around taking advantage of his skills to harrass women or fake anything.

Also he kinda sucks working on his own given he has no clue of what he's doing.

So yeah I like Yuma a lot. I'm hoping he resolves his internal struggles in the future and decides between this inhuman detective live, stops playing detective, or makes a path of his own.

[bluehrbs]

send me a 💏 for my muse’s reaction to seeing your muse kiss somebody else. @kennedy-leon

crushes were such a dangerous thing, it's funny how the heart is so quick to latch onto someone for any reason you can imagine. a smile or a cute laugh, a nice voice...and the there's the personality and falling in love with a personality almost always means you're fucked for life. especially when it's the kind of person that understands you better than anyone else and you've only known them for a minute. that's what it was like with leon kennedy.

from the moment he saved her to the time they spent searching for answers together it felt like he was her other half. two sides of the same coin or that red string of fate she'd once read about....it's soon to say but it almost felt like he was that for her. he was her person and she knew it would be hard to shake her, but the problem with crushes is that just because you've fallen for someone doesn't mean it's a two way street.

during their investigation of what's happened here at raccoon city and searching for her brother who she soon found was 'on vacation' they'd come across some women who claimed to be an agent, her name was ada and she instantly locked onto leon the second she laid eyes on him. claire isn't sure if it's genuine, she's still not even sure where the hell this girl came from but she kind of hates that feeling in her chest...the jealousy taking it's form inside of her like knives.

she should be worried about getting out of here and finding out where her brother really is or getting a warm shower but instead she's walking into the last thing she wants to see. they were taking a break and claire has laid sherry down to sleep as they try to figure out the next steps or get out of here that was right as she walked back into the room to find ada is leaned into leon, kissing him on the lips and kicking claire in the chest.

"shit...i-im sorry I didn't mean..." she probably didn't even need to say anything it's not like they would've noticed but a selfish side of her is saying she wants to break them apart. she can see the other women's glare but she barely looks at leon. "um... there looks like there's a hospital room down the hall and I was going to go look for supplies. sherry's going to sleep for awhile so I figured I'd check it out...I uh." she smiles dropping her gaze trying not to make herself seem so obvious. "you two just carry on, with...that."

she doesn't give much time for anyone to say anything to make her feel more stupid than she already does, walking into the room and leaning against the counter as she takes a deep breath trying to fight the tears stinging in her eyes.

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2024, #3: Chrono Trigger (DS Version)

Completed: January 13th (first run including sidequests) / January 20th (NG+/all endings/near-100% completion run)

Time spent: 35 hours (first run)/55 hours (NG & NG+)

Rating: 7.5/10

i'll get the easy critique out of the way first, and this is specifically a DS version issue (/maybe a steam issue too? not sure): oh my god why the fuck did they think adding the lost sanctum and dimensional vortex sidequests would be a good idea. neither of them add a single thing to the story and are literally like 15 hours of boring as hell sidequests. whyyyyyy did they add this this was PAINFUL to do as a completionist. jfc.

other thoughts under the cut because they are LONG but the TL;DR is: i enjoyed this game! i don't think it's bad at all and can absolutely see the influence it had on the genre! i think it's absolutely a game everyone who cares even a little bit about RPGs should play if they haven't already! i also don't understand why people think it's one of the best games ever made even though i think it's actually quite good in a few aspects!

anyway. continued below

i constantly had heard that chrono trigger had a very cool time travel story, and while aspects of this, absolutely, are true, there are particular parts of the time traveling that feel rather tacked-on to me. in particular, the future and extreme past eras are just....kinda there. and hilariously the same is kind of true of the present era, but that i can excuse to some extent. i don't think any of the eras are particularly bad, but the future in particular was not nearly as well utilized as it should have been, IMO, which kinda bums me out.

for me, the main issue is that it doesn't do enough with the actual 'influencing one era to cause changes in the other' thing until the endgame sidequests, and by the time you can do those, it feels a little too-little, too-late. that or there should have been a better way to space those sidequests out as you actually play the game, because they genuinely add a lot to some of the characters (FROG MY BELOVED!!!!!!!!!!! and also lucca benefits a lot from her backstory). but making basically all of them only accessible in the eleventh hour felt very counterproductive to me. the plot is honestly mostly uninteresting to me until the zeal era, and that feels far too late for a game like this. idk. i like the world as a whole but some parts of the worldbuilding itself felt very minimal to me, like i wish the idea of a Nu was discussed AT ALL. or why its like completely normal for people to hang out with monsters/non-humans in 13,000 B.C. idk. just little things but i can tell it was probably more of a system limitation thing than anything else.

that said i think the main cast is quite solid. frog is the best easily, magus is a close second (though he also runs into the same problem where a ton of his character development is laaaaateeee), but i don't hate any of the other characters at all. ayla is fun (love a fun gimmick character every once in a while) and lucca is my favorite kind of weird nerd girl character. marle's playstyle annoys me until you have all of her techs and robo becomes kind of outclassed by frog but man. frog!!!!!! my man. hes so good.

basically no one is Not a fun character. is what im trying to say. i don't think they're all super deep characters, which bothers me a lot more than it probably should for a fucking 90s jrpg, but i like all of them a little bit, which is more than i can say for some games.

also, and this is more of a gameplay structure thing: i really appreciate how chrono trigger praises the player for being patient and for being kind. this is late game, but once you can unlock the chests i LOVE how you get upgraded rewards if you chose to not unlock them in the past. its so smart. that and the cases where your very small actions end up affecting things as minimal as the shopkeepers you can interact with? mwah. so good.

music: everyone always praises the hell out of the music and i do think there are some great tracks (CORRIDORS OF TIME MY BELOVED), but even for the era i dont think its truly exceptional in most ways. not bad at all and i know they had technical limits but.....still. still. corridors of time fucking sweeps them though. my god. what a good song.

art: okay yeah i dont have anything to say here. fucking amazing spritework going on in this game. enemies can be kind of whatever if they're not bosses but the fucking overworld/background art. the amount of emotion that is portrayed in a few pixels is astounding to me.

battle system: has aged so well and as soon as I started playing it i just went "OH THATS WHERE TWEWY GOT THE RELOAD SYSTEM FROM" because its almost a direct straight line of influence LOL. it really does force you to understand the mechanics and not just spam everything with your most powerful attacks. does get a little bit eh by the endgame once you're doing all-field-damage attacks out of necessity, but still. solid. not particularly unique by today's standards but if a game TODAY came out with this system i would have no complaints.

by this point you're probably saying "wow you wrote a lot about this for a game you think is a 7.5/10" and...yeah lol sorry. its just that i can see the influence and while i dont think its the BEST GAME EVAAAR i can absolutely see why people adore it so much. i think im just a slightly different time of rpg fan and this didn't quite scratch the itch for me in all the ways i was hoping it would, but there is no way in hell i can call it bad. i still think anyone who likes video games at all should play it. it just didnt scratch a very specific itch in my brain that i wanted it to (/it was less of a character story than i really like in my games), and so i cant quiiiite bump it up to that 8/10 i wish it so badly was. but theres a reason its a classic, it's aged incredibly well. just doesn't fit my niche enough.

that said. am i playing chrono cross after this? absolutely LOL. might take me a while but i am invested enough in this world to be interested in it. hopefully theres a bit more worldbuilding stuff bc the zeal stuff was SO GOOD but then it got crammed into the last 5 hours and hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanted so much more foreshadowing about it. god. anyway.

good game. not the best game of all time for me, but a good game. probably a great game to people who arent as picky as me LSGLSKDGH. just uh. dont play the extra DS content unless you're a completionist like me. lost sanctum MAYBE for the items but i would not bother with the dimensional vortex. its bad. lol

[kidrat]

having this moment where i know im not gonna stop doing something i love, but i really do feel like giving up. had this switch a while back where i went in a big way from knowing i was pretty good to Knowing i wasn't 'there' yet, and consequently putting a lot of effort into my poetry to get there. and then started making lit mag submissions because really, genuinely, I felt that was a realistic goal + an appropriate thing to do now. i read a lot of poetry, i work on specific weaknesses I have, my voice is so much more sophisticated than it was back then. and i've improved a shit ton SINCE starting to make submissions, but im still getting nothing but rejections. more than anything it makes me feel like maybe im got a completely incorrect sense of my own skill which just makes me feel embarrassed and miserable. worst part is that currently all the rejections I get are saying they really want me to submit again + they're sure I'll have no problem getting the poems accepted elsewhere. but like they're fucking not getting accepted elsewhere. if no one takes a chance on something because oh, well, someone else defo will, then the thing doesn't get anywhere. i know thats an oversimplification of a much more complicated process and that the journals arent actually throwing my work around like a game of hot potato or w/e but u can see why i feel like crap. like what is the fucking point. why bother.

[turn2tech]

what the fuck just happened

ok um sorry for posting this on tumblr out of literally anywhere else but i just got out of a really WEIRD relationship and im honestly not sure what else to do!!!

tws: possibly toxic relationships? (past) physical/emotional abuse

holy shit wow where do i even start

this all happened so fast!!!

ok me and my bf of 1.5 years have broken up!!! It was our homecoming dance i invited them as well as our mutual best friend, and when they got there they told me they thought it was going to be a date. They acted very upset throughout the entire thing brought down the mood all together. I'm not saying that they aren't allowed to express their emotions, but the thing is, they were there when i invited the best friend. After that, i broke up with them while we were waiting for our parents to pick us up (we're freshmen). We agreed to stay friends.

After all of that, i invited the best friend over to my house, mainly so i could complain about how they were kind of a manipulative asshole throughout the entire relation (dw, ill get to that later) and we got to talking, eventually coming to the conclusion they we should also stop being friends with them.

Me, being the irrational and impulsive prick that i am, told someone that max was close too! I told him the next day at school, not realizing i forgot to tell him that the confrontation itself was going to happen at a later date, and him, confused, went to class and asked my boyf what happened.

blah blah blah yada yada yada i said some stupid shit in a group chat, insulted them while trying to explain the situation, and was just kind of bitchy about the whole thing. Without hearing my side of the story, everyone immediately took max's side and kicked me. I understand it to an extent, but even to this day they refuse to get my perspective which is really concerning to me. I had someone i knew inside the group chat still, and they sent me screenshots of everyone saying how they never liked me in the first place and how AND I QUOTE "only ever talk about cartoons and video games." Like... damn. I would genuinely rather be punched in the face and have my nose broken by a complete and utter stranger on the street then to see that.

A few days after, the friend that started this all insisted that apologizing to the bf directly would fix everything. I gave a whole ass SPEECH about how i was in the wrong about the things i said, but i still felt our relationship was unhealthy for me. They didn't add me back to the group chat, nor did i ever have someone ask me for my side. Oh, and the inside friend? refuses to defend me in fear of getting kicked out as well.

The mutual best friend actually made amends with the bf so they aren't on bad terms, but in truth they are only there to report what he has said about me. He has said the following:

that i was emotionally distant

i ... smelled bad????

i didn't give them enough "physical affection" (i frequently said no to making out)

And that just got me thinking. The entire reason i was emotionally and physically distant was because of, well, physical and emotional abuse ive suffered in the past. Ive had terrible relationships, and even more terrible friends. I told them about this several times, and that it's not their fault im this way! clearly they don't care and have decided to take it personally, which is not my problem.

So you know what? ive got a couple of gripes with you too.

you never(rarely) showered and actively admitted that to me

you were a compulsive liar that lied about fucking EVERYTHING

you frequently emotionally presured me into staying with you, using the phrase "I'd probably kill myself if we ever broke up haha" frequently

you faked being scene (dressed the part, did not listen to the music LMFAO I JUST REMEBERED THEIR FAVORITE ARTIST IS MITSKI HELP)

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST,

YOU FUCKING FAKED BEING TRANS TO DATE ME

yes, you read that last part right! the NIGHT we broke up they went to all their social media accounts and changed the flags in their pfps, as well as the pronouns in their bio, oh no, im sorry, HER BIO. I am pissed and angry and mainly sad that i didn't see the signs earlier. And hey, if you read this far, thanks.

Anyways, there's actually a lot more inbetweens to this story, including the collapse of an entire friend group, rumors, and a musical (not fucking kidding), but im tired and typing this just made me really sad. goodnight.

[weabooweedwitch]

Can you understand why you saying 'ok well I guess my only option is to kill myself' is just more of this toxic behavior? In your other posts you were talking about how your mom doesn't deserve basic respect and that you were totally righteous in what you were doing, and when you get called out it's 'I guess I should just kill myself' as if you can't just make better choices? You chose to treat your mom like trash and you can choose in this moment to be a better person. The source of the problem is that you think certain people don't deserve to be treated with respect and you blame others for your own reactions, which are both perspectives you can easily shift if you want to. Just take ownership of yourself, put yourself in others' shoes more and reflect on the issues that cause you to react such as narcissism and borderline. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but it feels like you're acting out the 'cry' part of crybully rather than showing genuine remorse for how you treat people, just so that people will backtrack and comfort you and tell you the things you want to hear, which i'm sure many people will now because attracting enablers through pity is a classical narcissist pattern. Stop looking for an out and face yourself and your flaws and stop using this idea of 'I can't change' as an excuse to just give up because everyone can change if they really want to

I've gone to therapy for years. I've tried different medicine for years. I spent so many trips as a minor being an inpatient doing DBT for years. I've had therapists tell me my mom won't let me set boundaries and she wears me down until I do what she wants. Now I can't stand for myself without getting angry because I'm never listened to. She always told me everyone only sided with me because I lied and manipulated them? But I've never tried to do that? I've never wanted to do that? All I've ever said is how I felt. Have I just been living my entire life not knowing I was am absolute monster?

Have I just been WRONG whenever I felt like someone did something bad to me? Was everything always my fault?

I try to tell people over and over "hey please don't do this, please don't do that, hey, I keep gently reminding you I need XYZ" whether it's at work or home and I just get ignored or talked over or blamed. Even my own fucking managers are leaving sticky cans of energy drinks in my work area, my fucking managers can't even do really basic picking up after themselves when I'm literally the only night employee

I scheduled a day off to try and go with my mom to the dentist and also because I needed to go to the doctor and im only gone 2 days and I come back and everything is not only exactly where I left it, but my work was, undone by someone else shoving everything together, not separating things, literally undoing everything I spent my whole shift doing, and then I have to spend time cleaning up after them, and then I run out of shelves because they didn't work anything out, and then I'm asked "Miranda why didn't you do 5 or 6 pallets on your shift? Why is there still a bag of trash here?" And it won't even be mine

Have I just been secretly incompetent and stupid and pathetic my entire life, even as I was doing my best? Even as I was trying to be a good friend? Even as I've barely held myself together? Was I just actually being a manipulative freak that whole entire time?

Then I don't deserve to be better. I don't deserve for anyone to have sympathy. If I can try and try and nothing I can do is seeming to fix things or impr9ve things or at least help others, then my life is pointless. Then I have no worth.

I didn't even know I was lying to myself this whole entire time

[zorbik-guligan]

Not really sure what incongruous means so I'll look it up after but it does feel like as i get older life gets more complex theres more things i understand now that sure i knew about them before but not in great detail but it feels like I've become so fucking complex as a person that if i tried to explain what i actually think and feel it would just overwhelm a person so i try and section myself off into pieces and just use different parts of me with different situations or people and it may just be because ive spent most of my time these past 2 almost 3 years now alone with nothing to do but think and figure myself out that when im asked what i think about something slightly personal its kinda hard to say it just got lost in my head somewhere and that whatever i think will change at a moments notice like i can bring up memories of lots of things and remember nostalgic times but i spent so long thinking about why i feel a certain way or what makes me feel a certain way in order to try and get a better hold of myself that ive kinda forgotten alot of my past like so many memories that i made are just gone because remembering them made me feel a way i dont want to feel like i remember realizing the beginning of 6th grade that i had completely forgotten 5th grade and the reason why was because that time i had was so nice yet not at the same time my brain just frogot because it didn't want a reminder of how good yet not something can be like great teachers who for the first time ever actually seemed to care as far as i could tell class mates who were generally friendly and occasionally checked on me if i seemed off yet i felt so alone cause nobody there really seemed like a real friend like the friends i had before who even when we were in deep trouble wouldn't rat me out and would stick with me who genuinely cared and missed me if i was sick getting older and not having anyone to socialize with for really formative years off my life has made understand those really old dudes who are nice and always up to make friends but just seem extra lonely for some reason despite knowing so many people i guess technically being that alone did hurt me but i kinda learned that im just not alone ever when im outside theres always some squirrels birds or plants nearby that make it more lively its why ive grown so fond of certain forested spots they are always lively and it feels like hanging out with all my friends its also why i enjoy making things like with metal or wood stone or even writing and painting those things feel alive in a way same with music and having time to think so much has made me reflect and realize that no day is the same and even when something changes something else stays the same or gos back to how it was in a weird cycle like growing but remembering where you were growing older for me anyways is like gaining more skills and more knowledge not just on the stuff around me but on myself too obviously people change sometimes pretty quickly too but getting older makes you learn more about yourself which duh that how life works but still it feels weird to be aware of it at 17 when it feels like i should still be trying to figure out my favorite youtuber or something not contemplate who i am as a person and what makes me feel the way i do but its a good kind of weird and theres always more to learn and find so i still have plenty of room to learn more about myself still not being able to really fully let a person know you kinda sucks but to be fair that is a rather special thing its also nice being able to put into words why i feel a certain way so that i can actually explain myself instead of just going quiet cause i dont know myself that well still kinda funny to know your own problems but not be able to jusy fix them when you know its a very deep problem even when it seems surface level and damn i got kinda personal there woops also just noticed that im shaking so might be overwhelmed remembering 5th grade which is probably why i frogot it or at least thought i did

anybody else feel that being human is like being a long-time syndicated cartoon character watching the world get more complex while your own design stays the same until youre incongruous with the reality around you??

[pezpenser205]

ive realized and fully accepted recently that whenever people in my life have previously praised me about how smart i am that they Werent just being nice, because i woefully assumed everyone could think as well as me but like, just werent caring to observe things??. as it turns out, they were being FULLY serious, and the average person is Really Just That Stupid/Oblivious** and doesnt make connections like that. i just didnt realize because i didnt feel exceptional, this is how ive always been, and plenty of people do better in school than me. it took me seeing actual data of how dumb the average american is in comparison*** for me to fully accept that im Definitely above average. this DOESNT mean i think im perfect. im dumb, impulsive and emotional in unique and strange ways in MANY situations. the average person is just Way Worse when it comes to stuff like Reasoning apparently and this whole time i thought they were fucking with me and they just werent trying.

it took getting more extensive psychological testing for mental illnesses and the recent election for me to actually accept that im Smart smart because ive always lived like this, and have had so much trouble in school recently (i deep down felt school was a measure of intelligence even if logically it made sense to me that it wasnt). i just think this way normalstyle and weve never had a frame of reference for what being average is because weve never been anyone else, and we never really interact with people irl that much either and opt to keep to ourself. im not exactly an entrepreneur or an inventor or anything im just kind of here and play games. hell im not even employed.

and im not gonna be like "ah its my autism making me smart and Allistics are just stupid" because lets be real! from experience plenty of autistic people are also Really Fucking Stupid. i AM smart, just nerfed by 10 bajillion illnesses, probably audhd included, so it cancels out and makes me kind of dumb still. what sucks about this is now that i know that im actually really smart in the area society claims to value the most, it fucks me up emotionally because it means that i know For Sure being smart wont actually get me anywhere and i just have to be lucky no matter how hard i try, because so far being smart in this way has only hurt me in the long run and made me overwhelmed and made me go fucking crazynuts insane from constantly ruminating on information the average person has probably never even heard of and can just block out/ignore subconsciously.

i fantasize almost daily about what it would be like to be just a conservative cishet tradwife with a stable job and a husband that goes to church on sundays and to her core believes All Of It. but i cant imagine it. i cant even gaslight myself into thinking that way even though it would make life objectively so much easier for me. i know saying this might get me flamed or something but when my conservative family are so genuinely happy while theyre actively killing or oppressing themselves can you blame me? its a privilege to be so stupid and its something i unfortunately dont have the privilege of having. if someone is being hurt but they dont think theyre being hurt by the person actually hurting them nor see/feel it happening theyre basically at eternal peace forever regardless of how much pain theyre actually in. of course im jealous.

**IM SPECIFICALLY REFERRING TO PROBLEM SOLVING, READING COMPREHENSION, INSIGHT, AND CRITICAL THINKING. THE AVERAGE PERSON IS STILL SMARTER THAN ME IN MANY OTHER WAYS. MY EMOTIONAL/SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE IS ON PAR WITH A BAG OF MARBLES AND I AM VERY CAPABLE OF DOING DUMB IMPULSIVE STUFF. NO ONE IS SMART IN EVERY ASPECT AND GOD HAD TO NERF ME SOMEHOW OR I WOULD BE TOO AWESOME AND COOL. I AM REALLY FUCKING STUPID IN THESE ASPECTS WHEN COMPARED TO THE AVERAGE PERSON. MY SKILLSET IS JUST EXTREMELY UNBALANCED SO IM SMART IN THE ONE WAY SOCIETY SAYS IT VALUES, BUT BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY VALUES HAVING A BALANCED SKILLSET AND DOESNT MEAN WHAT IT SAYS AT ALL IM PRETTY SCREWED IN MOST OF MY LIFE.

***the google searches after the US election, the conversations of my irls about the election, and the election results themselves. im not talking about IQ. dont fall for that crap

[blookmallow]

ok here we go heres all my fuckign endgame stuff for ruby's main plotline. ive been hoarding screenshots forever i dont even know how long ago this was now

bro holy fuck

i M LOSING MY MIND!!! LOOK AT THIS

i am so fuckening confused

ruby and. her son, i guess,

im putting this post together way way way after the fact so i don't fully remember how i felt when i discovered this but like. i don't. know what to do with this. it isn't that much of a shock that he's become Old since. up until this point its extremely unclear how much time actually passed between freezings (except that it was 200 years from the initial freeze to the escape). so the thought that maybe he was alive somewhere but really old had occurred to me. but how do you even begin to try to have a relationship now. are we even family anymore, really.

skeletons!! i like them

im not sure what the hell Happened with super mutants. i guess they were intended to be. well, super human, but why did the institute just. release them everywhere. i forget if there was stated information about this but like when you encounter hostile synths they're Doing Something for the institute, super mutants are just. being super mutants and killing everything

found a weird floating spark that was just kinda stuck here. no idea why

anyway so. i tried really hard to play this civilly. the institute has done great evil but there's also just. families in here. there's scientists genuinely trying to make worthwhile advances. the big problem with the institute is the lack of regard for anyone else's rights, they have incredible incredible resources and are choosing to use them only for their own purposes. "Father" was intending to hand control over to me. with the right leadership, they could be using these resources to help people. just outright destroying it all and killing everyone inside regardless of anything would be such a loss. they have such potential for positive change in the commonwealth, in the world.

but despite the fact that you are being given control of the institute, despite the fact that the player character depending on your choices can be such a massively influential leader, you just don't get to make that choice. you aren't allowed to create change or negotiate peace. i tried working with them very cautiously up until i hit a wall where i was forced to decide between "destroy the railroad" and "destroy the institute" and i absolutely could not betray the railroad for these people

but before that, i suddenly got raided by the brotherhood out of fucking nowhere, which i understand now that ive started kind of acting as a double agent in the brotherhood on another file and learned they're pretty violently against synths and anyone who wants to help them

but if you don't do any of their quests there's really no buildup to this. i helped danse out that one time and we just never really talked again because i didn't want to join and then suddenly they're marching into my fucking HQ

how fucking dare they. honestly. i am still not over this. i will never be over this

i was really fucking mad about them tearing up HQ and about glory so i stormed into the "take out the prydwen" questline. at first

this was deacon's brilliant disguise for infiltrating the brotherhood. some fucking how this worked. how does he do it

but during the course of the infiltration i did some poking around to see what was in here first. and again i found lots of people believing they're doing the right thing. people who have been brainwashed and manipulated. people who are arrogant and self-righteous, sure, but do they deserve to die for it? there were children in here. i found a note from a child writing home to his parents out there somewhere. that kid is dead now because of me

everyone on that ship is dead. the game plays this as a triumphant victory. i wanted this at first because i was acting on Revenge but watching it all burn down just made me feel sick.

i never found danse again. he's no longer at the police station and i couldn't find him on the ship or in the wreckage. i never did anything with him beyond the first intro quest thing before you get the option to join the brotherhood (and honestly thus far on my other file he barely has a personality. i havent reached full affinity yet though) but the fact that we hung out together that one time and got on pretty well is still in the back of my mind and i really wish i could get the closure of like. finding out if he's dead or not. but since i never recruited him as a companion i can't track him and i don't think i can access like, console commands or w/e on steamdeck so i guess ill just never know

so. then the institute

i dont know why i dont have a screenshot from before things went to shit but anyway i was so fucking excited to see gorillas in here and they all ended up dead during the revolt. i guess i dont know what animals still exist out there in the world but i feel personally responsible for the extinction of the last remaining gorillas as of right now and let me tell you. it doesn't feel good

i didnt want this!! i didnt want any of this!

i dont feel responsible for shaun's death specifically since. he was dying anyway. but it doesn't help to know that technically i probably killed him first.

so. that's two mass murders/at least borderline genocides im now personally responsible for. this, also, was portrayed in game as a victory and a triumph. i just felt empty. we stopped two dangerous forces, but we killed so fucking many people to do it. i want to say the point is war never changes, but it felt like i was supposed to feel like "hooray we won we defeated the evil" rather than feeling like im just continuing the cycle of murder and destruction that brought the world to this state in the first place which seems incredibly against the point. i still feel just as strongly as i ever did that mass murder is not and is never the answer. this feels wrong. this doesn't feel like a win, to me.

sighs. yeah man. we still gotta worry about aliens

i brought synth shaun out with me. he seems to believe he's the original shaun? i don't know what to do with that. i have no difficulty accepting him as my kid, but he's fundamentally not the original shaun. that baby is gone. that baby grew up without me and became a man who is now dead. this is my second child and i feel like it would be better to acknowledge that than to treat him as if he were the child i lost. technically original shaun made him with his own dna and his memories so he's kind of my grandson.

i also don't know what his life is going to be like, it sounds like he was created as specifically a "child synth" - not a baby, and all other synths start as adults, so it seems like they don't age. nick is a prototype so we don't know how he compares to the current generation but he's been around for ages

so presumably synth shaun is going to just be a child forever. he'll have codsworth, curie, nick, and hancock to look after him, though. i think he'll be alright.

mildly concerning meta implications here but sure

i brought him to the castle, it's my most well-established and well defended settlement and it's where preston and curie live when they're not with me, so it felt like a good place for him. i don't usually leave codsworth at the castle but i brought him to see shaun anyway

i built him his own room and everything

[more-thoughts-than-money]

post that inspired this is a house md post….. but i kind of went on talking and that’s how it ends… anyway

this shit lives in my head rent free cause i always felt like both house and wilson feel relatable in very different ways and like

wilson reminds me of the couple of years where i had this massive saviour complex (probably some self esteem thing? edit: now that i think of it, it might’ve been my way of coping with loneliness and being the “weird and annoying kid to my peers and others) aaand all that yeah

and then at one point i realised how i didn’t feel genuine empathy most of the time and more often than not did things for people with no actual reasoning! just people pleasing for the sake of it, again probably loneliness

and then i burned myself out cause i’m not sure a 12 yo kid should’ve been out there convincing people not to commit! (and that’s on unrestricted internet access i guess…) but keeping talking to them even though it was mentally draining because what else is for me out there?

so yeah i kind of used these people and dropped them once i realised im exhausted and burned out

and i feel so horrible about it

but i can’t help and make myself go back to these people because it’s just… we don’t have anything in common

and a lot of people i don’t talk to anymore i lost solely because i went from talking to and helping everybody to trying to desperately rescue myself (unable to set boundaries - victim of my own people pleasing) and cutting myself off from nearly anyone who tried to get close because if we got close i know i would have to be the shoulder to cry on and that simply didn’t benefit me?? like it feels bad to say out loud but yeah- a lot of the time it feels counterproductive? i mean in cases where im able to help- sure go on and i’ll try my best

but a lot of the time im helpless and it’s frustrating

because deep down im always blaming myself for the fact that i don’t know what to say and i hate that feeling

and i never really learned the concept of simple, compassionate silence

and there’s only one person that i know understands me in the regard of compassionate silence and im comfortable with comforting and listening to

because even though i know i can’t help i know it’s okay

sure maybe im not hyperempathetic and will probably go on with my day shortly after

but in this moment where we are talking i’m fully there and there IS an inkling of genuine empathy

it’s just never very permanent

and i’m still kind of wrestling with this concept because sometimes i just think “okay, i’m doing something, i’ll respond later” even though i saw they texted me saying they feel shitty and at one point i realised that i do this to avoid “being the shoulder” when i don’t feel like it

and it’s a very shitty way to treat a friend isn’t it?

and it’s not their fault and i’m glad they talk about their problems to me because hell i’m glad we can trust each other and they genuinely feel like a younger sibling to me

i would say “a younger sibling i’ve never had!” but it would be a lie because i do have a younger brother with whom i more or less consciously ruined my relationship with - mostly due to my anger issues (especially prominent when i was just slowly but steadily going downhill

but at some points talking to them feels like a chance to “finally get it right” after i fucked up and it makes me very happy!

and at the same time i know i want to fix the relationship with my brother but hes in an odd age

when i was this age i was a bit different, more “””“mature”””” and yeah

but it seems he doesn’t fully comprehend how much i fucked up his childhood

and im not sure when is the right time to bring this up

when i can apologise

he doesn’t have to forgive me

he can hate me and blame me

and i can take that

but i can’t take my own guilt which stems from the realisation ‘oh fuck, my actions have consequences, he’s a child and what i say and do now could make or break him when developing’ and the uncertainty whether i should expect forgiveness or not

because as i said

he can despise me out loud completely

and i would take it a thousandfold over this uncertainty

because i want to apologise and try my best RIGHT!! NOW!! and i am trying to be better for him, for everyone

and now i’m trying not to be insensitive to anyone whether it be by a slight raise of voice cause i’m frustrated or by a dumb joke that i think is funny but COULD POSSIBLY be mean and i’m overthinking and i need a lot of reassurance and i feel so dumb and-

basically people define empathy as “being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes” and i sometimes do that too much

but other times i just find it inconvenient so i simply ~don’t~

and i don’t know what to think of that

i don’t know what my relationship with myself and everyone else is because everything is so undefined?

and i keep on learning about more and more undefined concepts nothing regarding humans is 1 and 0 and it’s great! i love the freedom it gives me regarding my gender expression or attraction and all that! it’s wonderful and i love it

but at the same time i like labels and precise words and i like to know what i am

and i don’t

because there’s no word for “empathetic at one time and straight up ignorant at the other” and there’s no justice in that and there’s no word and it’s very confusing and i hate it because im not something i can label!!!!

and a new way of labelling myself would be finding a character and going “wow this is literally so me” but i don’t think there’s such character! and that’s like normal cause people have so many different traits and they mix and all that AND at the same time i don’t want to think i’m “special” cause that could go downhill real quick !! cause i’m “a bit different” or at least WAS different as a child but i don’t want it to spiral into a “im better than others” and i know it could

and more importantly (?) i don’t want OTHERS to THINK im better than them

see even if i ACTUALLY thought myself better than others, i would deal with that, but the moment people DO think i have some weird superiority complex and i don’t want that!! i hate when people judge me when they don’t genuinely know me and there’s no way to broadcast who i am as a person to everyone

so yeah i’m a prisoner of my beholders perceptions and expectations (is that a fancy way of saying a people pleaser and a fucking doormat???)

sometimes i use weird long words and people think that i’m being a smartass and think i’m a snob(?)

but it’s just i WISHHHH i had something i can read and analyse and then label! and the short words never do it justice!! so then i can connect these longer words to myself and TRY to define myself but it feels impossible ! and it’s infuriating cause there’s no word that do justice to what i feel about myself and it’s so fucking scary because it’s like i don’t have ground under my legs

and rationally i know i don’t have to “know”

but i’m still scared

god damn it that was a long ramble i had from a random fucking post about house md

i love this show cause it makes me think and analyse a lot (i watched it more than a year ago and i think it altered my brain chemistry /hj) but i hate it cause it makes me go on long thoughtfully thoughtless rambles like these !!

[f4ll3nf34th3r5y5t]

TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!

i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe). 

some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn. 

but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.

we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed. 

but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up,  “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?”                ��                       “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane”              i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?

im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.

[bored-bookworm-2005]

I have a bunch of thoughts. I am so tired but sleep is not an option until I put these thoughts somewhere

Spoilers

This is not proof read

~ ok like what the fuck is up with the duffer brothers giving us amazing new characters that have so much potential just to kill them off while giving the main cast plot armor

~ I AM IN NO WAY OF COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW OUR MAIN PEOPLE SURVIVED I THANK ALL THE GODS FOR KEEPING THEM SAFE

~ the whole time Eddie was having his little hero moment I was raging because I’m tired of the characters I love trying to be the hero and then dying

~ Eddie deserves so much better.

~ I am a little (a lot) irritated about all the queerbating (is that the proper term for this) im not sure if I’m being over dramatic and making issues out of something that’s not actually a problem but I’m bummed that they hyped up Byler and made Steddie and Ronance so like there and then did nothing with it

~ I was stressing my actual balls off worrying about Steve. Like I was so scared I had to watch the end of the last episode to make sure he was still there (in the process I spoiled Eddie’s death :/)

~ the deaths weren’t giving. The way the duffer brothers and co talked about the deaths coming I expected everyone to die like I was imagining all our favorite characters dropping like flies. Instead a bunch of not exactly liked or well treasured characters died. And the two main important major deaths that happened either a) was unnecessary imo and the was ignored by all but one of the main characters or b) backed out of and brought the character sorta back

~ Steve looked so good in these episodes. Like everyone did but Steve was giving off that mom energy and I was dying and when he was talking about his little nuggets and exploring the country I wanted to like die because that was so cute. It made me particularly happy because I’m like in love with Steve and I’ve always wanted a bunch of kids

~ but can we address how the reason Steve probably wants a bunch of kids is because he has felt so alone his whole life he doesn’t wanna keep feeling like that so he wants to have a big warm happy family

~ the stancy stuff was killing me and not in a good way

~ we finally got some relief for our lack of Jopper

~ I really wish we got more in that Will and Jonathan scene like I genuinely thought he was gonna come out but didn’t flat out happen. I think the duffer brothers and co are allergic to having males (will in particular) admit to being gay

~ max my baby. I was crying when Lucas was holding her and crying and she was like I can’t see or feel anything im scared I don’t wanna die. I thought it was going to cause me to die from heartbreak

~ I really thought Karen Wheeler was gonna have a bigger part in volume 2 and im bummed she didn’t

~ I was getting so mad whenever Jason was on screen. I thought he was gonna be a decent character but this man is crazy and I get where he is coming from but the fact that he was set on the fact that Eddie was guilty and refused to even consider anything else made me mad

~ vecna touching the girls with his ugly slimy hands also made me mad

- #elmax

~ Nancy with that gun oml

~ Steve driving oml

[hella1975]

hey I have life advice to ask and if it's not cool then just go ahead and delete this-

I'm gonna be 17 soon and I was pulled out of school due to stuff I couldn't really control, so I dont really have a college/university to expect in about 2 years ish if I cant pull through out of my depression/anxiety and take the GED tests (american testing, its like a substitute for a highschool diploma, which is.... shit idk the differences to england but either way if I cant study and complete 4 giant tests, colleges/universities wont be available to me. I think.). I really could just move about anywhere I'm able to, and there's this place that I really, really love. I've done everything I can to know about it besides GOING there, because it is incredibly far away from my home. Really fucking far. It's been smth of an idea of mine I've held on to a year, like all the towns and places I dive into I just keep coming back to that spot. It feels like the one, like I can't really see myself growing old because of my depression but I can SEE it there, and I've never felt that.

The thing is I know from a few older mutuals of mine (and just other adults in gen) that things can change and while you might go to uni/college for [X Thing] you'll come out with something else you found so you'll now have [Y Thing]. like what you're expecting or want is going to change as you learn more or delve into it. I don't know how much I should take that to heart really? There's this fear that's been placed into me that I can't actually think for myself if I'm always going to be changing. I'm so confident about this rn but what about later? Sorry if this freaks you out too JFNSJMW like we're about 2-3 years apart but it just feels like so MUCH, I wanted your advice since you've got the uni experience I might miss out on

(My family is fine really like they're not going to kick me out or anything, they've just got other problems ig that I'd like to escape from because a lot of what they do has me just.. stuck with myself. It sucks being a teenager because I'm just in the middle of it all)

hi anonstie! sorry for the slow reply to this, i hope im not too late to any decision making. thank you so much for trusting me with this, it's a really scary situation for any teenager deciding on something that seems so defining, let alone with mental illness factors and possible family pressures. trust me I GET THAT. so everything i say is my opinion very tainted by my own bias and personal experiences, but you know that and asked me anyway so im gonna assume we're clear on that okay:

so as someone who not only has the uni experience but overall LOVES uni like could not have picked a better option i love my uni life i love my friends i love my independence so much that i stick doing a subject i HATE bc i love my life here so much - coming from someone in that position, you want to know what i think? if you're not sure about going to uni and genuinely think you'd be happier elsewhere, do not go. im being so serious. university is a challenge, and people know that, but you have to take what you think it's gonna be like and double how hard it really is. it's a fucking culture shock and a half and even those who settle in well (i like to think i did) still have trouble finding their feet, and it's fucking scary. you have to have a level of certainty to manage it. idk maybe im being too extreme here but ive seen so many people who regret uni and are the loneliest they've ever been, and if you already have mental illness weighing on you that's not a boat you want to be in even if you might not end up like that.

the option does not vanish just because you didn't do it at the 'correct' age. i can see ur stress around the exams and while i know fuck all about american education, i refuse to believe there's no ways around it or ways to redo at a later time, or even if you do just wind up with not very good qualifications, somewhere will take you. i was convinced that if i didnt get out of my hometwon at 18 with the natural progression in academia then i would be stuck there forever, and part of me still believes that no matter how silly it is, which is why i outright refuse to drop my subject even on the days when it eats me alive, because i think if i drop out i'll get stuck in my hometown. uni was an escape for me and that's one of the reasons i love it so much. but over time, while it still lingers i wont pretend it doesnt, ive realised how wrong that mindset is. there's so many types of people at university. some people come onto campus with their children. some people are middle-aged. some people just did a gap year. my own flatmate is a second year uni student just like us but she's a year older bc she dropped out of first year bc of covid and reapplied. uni made me realise how common MESSINESS is. i hardly know anyone who got here on the really straight and narrow route, and maybe that's just part of being the covid cohort who knows but there's not a 'correct' way of doing things.

idk i think school is very rigid UNTIL you reach eighteen, and bc the universe is such a bitch you only realise how fluid everything gets post-eighteen ONCE YOUVE MADE THE DECISIONS.

so yeah, if you want to know what i think? chase that place that's calling to you. worst case scenario is it lets you down but you finally scratch the itch; that alone is something to live for. if you ever change your mind, university and that path isn't going anywhere. there's always so much choice, we just sometimes box ourselves in until it feels like there isnt