having a king bed sounds scary what if you try to put the fitted sheet on and get lost in there and die like a caver
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Born āgiftedā; grown chronically depressed
// long, personal post. basically a tutorial on express therapy (and by express I mean 10 years of rationalising, learning psychology on myself and fictional characters + 48 hours of not sleeping)
When I was grieving I spent 48 hours sleepless
itās not that I couldnāt sleep. Iāve been on insomnia medication for 3 years now.
I just had to āhave a reasonā and time to actually acknowledge my emotion and thoughts which caused my body to struggle with setting a āproperā circadian rhythm
Living with a 5 person family in basically a studio flat for 13 years of my life low-key harmed my ability to think and āfeelā without privy eyes
this accidentally sent my brain into survival mode where I could only āthink rationallyā at night
So when we moved out and I got to have a room of my own
thatās when *serious* sleep problems started
my brain would just REFUSE to shut the fuck up
first off I was used to tv noise while falling asleep
i fixed it up with some rain sounds or watching ATLA when I was feeling funky
it distracted me enough
still I wouldnāt fucking sleep.
because my brain didnāt feel like it
probably hyperactivity which I could never ātreatā with sport as an asthmatic kid
also an outcast but it is what it is
unable to name the cause of my insomnia I would just head to sleep at 10pm. Two reasons for that:
a) you know what they say! Donāt trust your thoughts after 10PM
b) 8h of sleep is THE healthy amount. And it seems like my brain likes waking up early for whatever reason!
yeah also I went through a fair share of medication before they got it right
anyways whoops Iām depressed now. Very depressed and even more anxious. Day by day my brain is giving me more compulsive behaviours and thoughts! Yaaay!
so I went through a 3 years worth of antidepressants
also a lot of unintended research (thanks, tiktok.)
basically I āsubconsciouslyā KNEW what my problem is but āconsciouslyā my brain refused I acknowledge it because haha living in the state of constant survival mode is way more fun!
right?
right?
basically it was like being a doctor and being pretty certain about the diagnosis but having to go to some other doctor to objectively either confirm or discard my diagnosis
yeah anyways I changed medication, SNRI, venlafaxine
known to help some adhd folk with severe vegetative depression for āno reasonā
Yeah basically my new psychiatrist kept on upping the dose until I got āa kick in the assā so we know it works
and then my aunt died.
wELL my workaholic and emotionally constipated child brain would NOT acknowledge it
hell youād catch me dead before Iād admit that I felt shitty but didnāt know how to deal with that because at the same time I āsaw it comingā
No one ever told me sheās sick
I just saw her hair loss (or rather a sudden haircut change and awkward silence that followed) and had some foggy memory of someone saying her sister died of cancer
Mind you I donāt fucking remember my childhood that well
hell I donāt remember it at all but it is what it is
I just āknowā some things and some are more of a āhunchā
I have this information buried in my brain but I canāt recall how it got there, ykwim?
yeah basically I was suspecting sheās dying of cancer but I was trying to stay optimistic and told myself Iām āoverthinking itā
and I thought the mourning was āgood enough of a reasonā to stay up for 48 hours, write down my āthoughtsā and wail all day long (yes, everyone gave me shit for crying growing up, how did you know?)
anyways yeah I did this and suddenly I āsolvedā the root of ALL my anxieties and minor paranoias.
as if it was a fucking riddle. Or a fucking house MD episode.
I hope you can understand WHY Iām so livid.
I SPENT OVER 3 YEARS ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MADE ONE THERAPIST CRY JUST BECAUSE MY BRAIN WENT SO FAR INTO THE SURVIVAL MODE EVERY TIME I INTERACTED WITH A HUMAN BEING. IM JUST FUCKING AUTISTIC AND TRAUMATISED NOT āANXIOUSā AND āPARANOIDā
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE
Also Iām fucking dyslexic. But hyperlexic at the same time. I mean Iām hyperlexic in my native language, and I ārememberā the spellings so I went undiagnosed
but I love technology. I want to be a CS student and then Iāll see where I can go from here. Iād love to work on an online learning platform for āgiftedā children
yāknow so they donāt lose their childhood but at the same time can associate learning with something nice and actually enjoyable
I think a lot of āgifted kid burnoutā comes from the | dopamine <ā> habit making | mechanism
so if children can learn they donāt HAVE TO be good at every subject and learn their āstrengths and weaknessesā early on
Hardships later on wonāt be as depressing
cause hey maybe Iām not the best at english but I know a lot about maths and I like maths and maybe when I grow older I can be a mathematician!!
you see what I mean?
at least this is what Iām trying to do for myself
generational trauma and neurodivergency running in the family made me develop some shitty coping mechanisms (example - perfectionism in order to cope with my actual time blindness and the āneedā for structure while hating organisation and refusing āunreasonableā authority)
I wasnāt raised catholic, not really
nor was I raised queer lol
but my brain reacted to religion the same way people who went through religious trauma did
basically I put myself through religious trauma on accident!
fun, aye?
what I mean is, I grew up religious because thatās what āfelt rightā
tradition and all that
and then I realised the catholics hate me for no fucking reason
and then I thought āwell fuck you too!ā And called myself an atheist
later it went into agnostic
and a couple of weeks back I grew OBSESSED with religion
christian one I mean
Fuck I even started reading the nsrv bible in english (!)
and then I tried to interpret it āby myselfā using some historical context and googling some stuff
WHAAAAAAAT! Turns out the bible is a product of its own time and is not to be taken literally!
Thatās crazy innit?
Yeah and then I realised all of my recent hyperfixations (last two years) were a silent ways of rationalising ALL my āunreasonableā anxiety and trauma caused by; you guessed it
NOT UNDERSTANDING SYMBOLISM AND SOCIAL CUES AS IT IS
IN MY NATIVE FUCKING LANGUAGE
I can learn *any* language
I just need some books, movies, music in said language
But donāt ask me about any grammar. I donāt care about grammar. And you canāt make me. Idfk what present simple is but I can shove it so far up your ass your own mother wonāt recognise you.
so yeah
Iām great at learning languages cause theyāre a ābrainlessā work for me
I mean
I learn languages for fun - itās a tool to communicate with broader audience AND find more knowledge on the internet (I Google EVERYTHING in english)
and when someone tries to make it into an actual job of mine. This is when it goes downhill.
also english being coded as ālanguage of knowledgeā is my āmainā language
my native language is way more complicated and I never really had to acknowledge my emotion in polish
I mean maybe I did but I just never wanted to cause I never learned that! English in comparison is simple. It allows me to communicate simple ideas without the need to āsound smartā
this and isolation from my peers (kids are bastards) gave me an actual ālanguage barrierā
which isnāt the case really
it was just my overthinking
I started enjoying polish music way more recently cause I can never get the lyrics
so I listen only to what sounds ācoolā
in english on the other hand the most of my music taste was built around midwestern emo and folk punk
cause I listened only to songs that felt āsomewhat relatableā
yeah all of that understanding makes me want to write an essay but i kind of donāt care and Iām too lazy to do that!
so yeah this is how I ācuredā my compulsions, anxiety, depression, irritability and perfectionism.
By having fucking adhd and being a massive nerd.
because I would hyperfixate on linux, customisation, open source applications, cybersecurity, programming
turns out Iām great at maths since I KNOW HOW to solve the problems
My brain is just too quick to do it step by step so I tend to skip and get lost in my own fuckin notebook š
schooling just made me believe I suck at maths and i should actually kms for trying to improve at it /hj /lh
And I suck at my own language. I know a lot of ācomplicatedā words and can deduce what certain words mean (logically) but I have issues adapting my language to my listeners. I either cuss every other word (too comfortable; thanks mom LMFAO)
Or I speak like an university professor. To my peers. And they donāt know what the fuck is going on. And I end up isolating myself because of crippling fear of being misinterpreted. And people think I donāt have a sense of humour whatsoever because I donāt āgetā jokes. But I joke a lot and am very sarcastic cause thatās just how I am. God damn it
When were yāall going to tell me not everyone thinks I want to use them and be a bastard overall when I need to ask someone for help.
when. were. you.
icb I had to go to paid therapy, feed myself some subliminal messaging, deprive myself of sleep for 48 hours, force myself to talk to my dad about things I donāt understand or scare me, go manic for a week on venlafaxine, my aunt had to die and I had to have a reason not to go to school for 2 days for me to actually acknowledge my emotion instead of rationalising it.
also everyone in school + my therapist thinks Iām still manic and in need of hospitalisation. How do I even begin to explain itās not that I have superiority complex, and I just realised Iām hella smart, just in a pretty unexpected wayā¦.. because thorough my entire life I never acknowledged it for the sake of being āhumbleā. bitch itās not humble itās the lack of self worth and being someone elseās doormat.
yāall think that if I say āhouse md and one tumblr post cured meā theyāll let me off the radar?
no honestly I have too much to catch up on (maths, c++, reading in POLISH, and learning German for fun) to actually care about ādepressingā things of this world
I mean sure it does sound unhealthy in hindsight
but thing is
this is the first time in my life where I donāt feel hopeless both about present AND the future
and I guess thatās enough for now
I have āa goalā and thatās enough
Later I might catch a job as an actual university professor. Maths or computer science. Biology or physics maybe?
it gives me an excuse to be āeccentricā lol
cause the students are here to learn not to make fun of who I am and focus on that
sure itās a funny anecdote to mention like ādude my physics teacher is fucking nuts but at least his lectures are interestingā
and thatās all I care about
I get to express myself instead of internalising anything
and the students get to learn
yay and yay
mutual benefit!
yeah anyway fuck I have so much shit to catch up on and Iām so lazy I actually have to reorganise my room and desk so I donāt try to do my homework in bedā¦ā¦. (Yes I was THAT depressed and lazy)
when I do my chores in bed I keep on losing my pens and Iām one minor inconvenience away from doing something I might not particularly want to doā¦ā¦.
yah
thats it I guess
If this post made anyone realise something (āconnect some dotsā)
congrats and Iām sorry you had to find out this way LMFAO
if not
scroll ahead, not the target audience probably
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living update, i guess:
ā¦.. i just wrote a 3 pages long analysis on the possible influence of polish history on the political situation because i couldnāt sleep
i just kept writing and writing
itās insane cause i never felt such a āpushā to write about something
it makes me want to genuinely work on this and translate it to polish, and show it to somebody for whatever reason
i guess this is what it feels like to genuinely acknowledge i did something well and iām satisfied with myself
recently iāve been thinking of making a blog on some domain so that i can publish these writings somewhere because hey, we live in the age of the internet! maybe someone will find that they agree with how i see it, iāll find the target audience for my thoughts!
anyways iām exhausted now cause i slept like around 6 hours cause iāve been writing down a lot of stuff yesterday (more personal shit) and low-key hyper focused on it cause nearly every thought i have develops into hours of writing.
i noticed that ever since my antidepressants started working my suspected ADHD seems to haveā¦.. worsened??
iām sure it also has to do with me trying to put less emphasis on school (i guess itās a part of trying to stop masking)
itās a change, a scary one, but i feel blessed to find peace. because i know everything will be alright and that iām not in control of everything. itās healing.
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okay but that one episode in House where Cuddy is in the hospital and House couldnāt get himself to be there by her side to comfort her without reaching for Vicodin always makes me tear up so bad
when she finds out she gets pretty pissed
and it was always so fucking sad to me because they both knew that House wasnāt cut out for the relationship, and knew damn well he has a lot of emotional baggage
and itās okay to hesitate when going into a relationship with such person, you have to be prepared for everything. and itās hard to be prepared for anything with someone like House [and Cuddy is a perfectionist, she NEEDS to be prepared for anything in order to survive]
anyways, what makes me so upset when thinking of this is:
she knew heās an addict and yet expected him to *just stop* taking pills cold turkey.
truth is that in my experience this medication allowed his brain to function and shut down his emotion.
i mean
i genuinely hc that he has ADHD
and itās a very personal HC but i have nowhere to talk about this so yeah
but there was a couple of months in my life when i abused medication. in a pretty dumb way, so i canāt ever say i was an addict, because it was psychiatric medication, if i filled my prescription too soon doctor would know and as a 14-15 yo kid i wasnāt going to explain to my family that iām abusing medication because my antidepressants never work and the doctor doesnāt bother to listen to me saying that i genuinely think i have ADHD
anyways thing is, when i ran out of the anxiety medication i abused that calmed my brain down (so that i could focus, and not be ādumbā in school)
i didnāt know what to do
so i went for my insomnia medication, since i didnāt have anything else, it wasnāt exactly helping me focus, but it would severely sedate me so that i wouldnāt be able to think about anything and then i could just skip school by sleeping for 13 hours or more
the only reason i stopped was because i was still underage and itās my obligation to go to school. and i didnāt have an excuse for feeling dizzy other than āi feel bad, i donāt want to go to schoolā and then i would just sleep
anyways my point is i think it was my way of coping with ADHD, i think very quickly and am all over the place, careless and make mistakes when i need to actually apply the concept iām thinking of
and it feels similar to why not taking Vicodin would freak him out and make him āa bad doctorā
for me having ADHD is like having a lot of energy that you have to put SOMEWHERE!! whether it be literal physical activity (hyperactive), brain activity (distraction), or both
losing the use of his leg only because nobody would believe him felt unfair, he had no control over it. and the anger (energy) and the lack of ability to let it out (through sports) made him 3 times as bitter, miserable and fucking unbearable (/lh)
also the need to pick up a hobby and putting your everything into learning it but dropping it once you āsucceededā and looking for something else to do hits close home
i mean yes itās more of a head-cannon but he knows a bunch of languages (at least spanish, hindi and mandarin, the last two of which he is fluent enough in to read and carry out conversations) and its not even that he plans on using them, he just does it for fun, to keep his brain moving; and nothing else
he picks up physics because suddenly he has so much time to spare when he canāt do his work properly and hey, physics is hella interesting, why not learn it as well?
and thatās what i find myself struggling with, when iām trying to stop emotional eating for example, or when iām trying to stop overachieving at school for the sake of focusing on what i actually want to do
and thatās why iām very depressed because i want to do so many different things! but iām bound to waste 8 hours at school not learning anything because i either donāt care about it or care too much and the teacher canāt do their class without me talking with them all the time
on top of that; Vicodin clears out all the āuseless thingsā including some the fear and distrust he has towards everything and everyone
when heās sober and realises Cuddy, someone he tried so hard to break down all the mental walls for, could possibly die
it overwhelmed him, because he hasnāt been in a proper relationship in years
and thatās why it was so infuriating to see this
and iām not defending House, because i know i hated him a lot of times during the time i watched the entire show
but heās relatable in ways no other character ever was to me
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this meme changed so much about my attitude towards learning things (iām a chronic perfectionist and an overachiever) and now i have more hobbies than i have time and itās making me very depressed :(
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disclaimer
very personal blog , more of a unprovoked ātalking to the voidā kinda thing. feel free to skip!!
itās a thing i do because i start out talking about one thing and mention 30 other ones! so itās kind of like these guys who did the āwikipedia speedrunsā but with a dose of accidental oversharing!! and itās easier to do it āin publicā so i donāt burden one specific person with this garbage fire thoughts of mine
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post that inspired this is a house md postā¦.. but i kind of went on talking and thatās how it endsā¦ anyway
this shit lives in my head rent free cause i always felt like both house and wilson feel relatable in very different ways and like
wilson reminds me of the couple of years where i had this massive saviour complex (probably some self esteem thing? edit: now that i think of it, it mightāve been my way of coping with loneliness and being the āweird and annoying kid to my peers and others) aaand all that yeah
and then at one point i realised how i didnāt feel genuine empathy most of the time and more often than not did things for people with no actual reasoning! just people pleasing for the sake of it, again probably loneliness
and then i burned myself out cause iām not sure a 12 yo kid shouldāve been out there convincing people not to commit! (and thatās on unrestricted internet access i guessā¦) but keeping talking to them even though it was mentally draining because what else is for me out there?
so yeah i kind of used these people and dropped them once i realised im exhausted and burned out
and i feel so horrible about it
but i canāt help and make myself go back to these people because itās justā¦ we donāt have anything in common
and a lot of people i donāt talk to anymore i lost solely because i went from talking to and helping everybody to trying to desperately rescue myself (unable to set boundaries - victim of my own people pleasing) and cutting myself off from nearly anyone who tried to get close because if we got close i know i would have to be the shoulder to cry on and that simply didnāt benefit me?? like it feels bad to say out loud but yeah- a lot of the time it feels counterproductive? i mean in cases where im able to help- sure go on and iāll try my best
but a lot of the time im helpless and itās frustrating
because deep down im always blaming myself for the fact that i donāt know what to say and i hate that feeling
and i never really learned the concept of simple, compassionate silence
and thereās only one person that i know understands me in the regard of compassionate silence and im comfortable with comforting and listening to
because even though i know i canāt help i know itās okay
sure maybe im not hyperempathetic and will probably go on with my day shortly after
but in this moment where we are talking iām fully there and there IS an inkling of genuine empathy
itās just never very permanent
and iām still kind of wrestling with this concept because sometimes i just think āokay, iām doing something, iāll respond laterā even though i saw they texted me saying they feel shitty and at one point i realised that i do this to avoid ābeing the shoulderā when i donāt feel like it
and itās a very shitty way to treat a friend isnāt it?
and itās not their fault and iām glad they talk about their problems to me because hell iām glad we can trust each other and they genuinely feel like a younger sibling to me
i would say āa younger sibling iāve never had!ā but it would be a lie because i do have a younger brother with whom i more or less consciously ruined my relationship with - mostly due to my anger issues (especially prominent when i was just slowly but steadily going downhill
but at some points talking to them feels like a chance to āfinally get it rightā after i fucked up and it makes me very happy!
and at the same time i know i want to fix the relationship with my brother but hes in an odd age
when i was this age i was a bit different, more āāāāmatureāāāā and yeah
but it seems he doesnāt fully comprehend how much i fucked up his childhood
and im not sure when is the right time to bring this up
when i can apologise
he doesnāt have to forgive me
he can hate me and blame me
and i can take that
but i canāt take my own guilt which stems from the realisation āoh fuck, my actions have consequences, heās a child and what i say and do now could make or break him when developingā and the uncertainty whether i should expect forgiveness or not
because as i said
he can despise me out loud completely
and i would take it a thousandfold over this uncertainty
because i want to apologise and try my best RIGHT!! NOW!! and i am trying to be better for him, for everyone
and now iām trying not to be insensitive to anyone whether it be by a slight raise of voice cause iām frustrated or by a dumb joke that i think is funny but COULD POSSIBLY be mean and iām overthinking and i need a lot of reassurance and i feel so dumb and-
basically people define empathy as ābeing able to put yourself in someone elseās shoesā and i sometimes do that too much
but other times i just find it inconvenient so i simply ~donāt~
and i donāt know what to think of that
i donāt know what my relationship with myself and everyone else is because everything is so undefined?
and i keep on learning about more and more undefined concepts nothing regarding humans is 1 and 0 and itās great! i love the freedom it gives me regarding my gender expression or attraction and all that! itās wonderful and i love it
but at the same time i like labels and precise words and i like to know what i am
and i donāt
because thereās no word for āempathetic at one time and straight up ignorant at the otherā and thereās no justice in that and thereās no word and itās very confusing and i hate it because im not something i can label!!!!
and a new way of labelling myself would be finding a character and going āwow this is literally so meā but i donāt think thereās such character! and thatās like normal cause people have so many different traits and they mix and all that AND at the same time i donāt want to think iām āspecialā cause that could go downhill real quick !! cause iām āa bit differentā or at least WAS different as a child but i donāt want it to spiral into a āim better than othersā and i know it could
and more importantly (?) i donāt want OTHERS to THINK im better than them
see even if i ACTUALLY thought myself better than others, i would deal with that, but the moment people DO think i have some weird superiority complex and i donāt want that!! i hate when people judge me when they donāt genuinely know me and thereās no way to broadcast who i am as a person to everyone
so yeah iām a prisoner of my beholders perceptions and expectations (is that a fancy way of saying a people pleaser and a fucking doormat???)
sometimes i use weird long words and people think that iām being a smartass and think iām a snob(?)
but itās just i WISHHHH i had something i can read and analyse and then label! and the short words never do it justice!! so then i can connect these longer words to myself and TRY to define myself but it feels impossible ! and itās infuriating cause thereās no word that do justice to what i feel about myself and itās so fucking scary because itās like i donāt have ground under my legs
and rationally i know i donāt have to āknowā
but iām still scared
god damn it that was a long ramble i had from a random fucking post about house md
i love this show cause it makes me think and analyse a lot (i watched it more than a year ago and i think it altered my brain chemistry /hj) but i hate it cause it makes me go on long thoughtfully thoughtless rambles like these !!
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