more-thoughts-than-money

[more-thoughts-than-money]

having a king bed sounds scary what if you try to put the fitted sheet on and get lost in there and die like a caver

[more-thoughts-than-money]

Born “gifted”; grown chronically depressed

// long, personal post. basically a tutorial on express therapy (and by express I mean 10 years of rationalising, learning psychology on myself and fictional characters + 48 hours of not sleeping)

When I was grieving I spent 48 hours sleepless

it’s not that I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been on insomnia medication for 3 years now. I just had to “have a reason” and time to actually acknowledge my emotion and thoughts which caused my body to struggle with setting a “proper” circadian rhythm

Living with a 5 person family in basically a studio flat for 13 years of my life low-key harmed my ability to think and “feel” without privy eyes

this accidentally sent my brain into survival mode where I could only “think rationally” at night

So when we moved out and I got to have a room of my own

that’s when *serious* sleep problems started

my brain would just REFUSE to shut the fuck up

first off I was used to tv noise while falling asleep

i fixed it up with some rain sounds or watching ATLA when I was feeling funky

it distracted me enough

still I wouldn’t fucking sleep.

because my brain didn’t feel like it

probably hyperactivity which I could never “treat” with sport as an asthmatic kid

also an outcast but it is what it is

unable to name the cause of my insomnia I would just head to sleep at 10pm. Two reasons for that:

a) you know what they say! Don’t trust your thoughts after 10PM

b) 8h of sleep is THE healthy amount. And it seems like my brain likes waking up early for whatever reason!

yeah also I went through a fair share of medication before they got it right

anyways whoops I’m depressed now. Very depressed and even more anxious. Day by day my brain is giving me more compulsive behaviours and thoughts! Yaaay!

so I went through a 3 years worth of antidepressants

also a lot of unintended research (thanks, tiktok.)

basically I “subconsciously” KNEW what my problem is but “consciously” my brain refused I acknowledge it because haha living in the state of constant survival mode is way more fun! right?

right?

basically it was like being a doctor and being pretty certain about the diagnosis but having to go to some other doctor to objectively either confirm or discard my diagnosis

yeah anyways I changed medication, SNRI, venlafaxine

known to help some adhd folk with severe vegetative depression for “no reason”

Yeah basically my new psychiatrist kept on upping the dose until I got “a kick in the ass” so we know it works

and then my aunt died.

wELL my workaholic and emotionally constipated child brain would NOT acknowledge it

hell you’d catch me dead before I’d admit that I felt shitty but didn’t know how to deal with that because at the same time I “saw it coming”

No one ever told me she’s sick

I just saw her hair loss (or rather a sudden haircut change and awkward silence that followed) and had some foggy memory of someone saying her sister died of cancer

Mind you I don’t fucking remember my childhood that well

hell I don’t remember it at all but it is what it is

I just “know” some things and some are more of a “hunch”

I have this information buried in my brain but I can’t recall how it got there, ykwim?

yeah basically I was suspecting she’s dying of cancer but I was trying to stay optimistic and told myself I’m “overthinking it”

and I thought the mourning was “good enough of a reason” to stay up for 48 hours, write down my “thoughts” and wail all day long (yes, everyone gave me shit for crying growing up, how did you know?)

anyways yeah I did this and suddenly I “solved” the root of ALL my anxieties and minor paranoias.

as if it was a fucking riddle. Or a fucking house MD episode.

I hope you can understand WHY I’m so livid.

I SPENT OVER 3 YEARS ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND MADE ONE THERAPIST CRY JUST BECAUSE MY BRAIN WENT SO FAR INTO THE SURVIVAL MODE EVERY TIME I INTERACTED WITH A HUMAN BEING. IM JUST FUCKING AUTISTIC AND TRAUMATISED NOT “ANXIOUS” AND “PARANOID”

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Also I’m fucking dyslexic. But hyperlexic at the same time. I mean I’m hyperlexic in my native language, and I “remember” the spellings so I went undiagnosed

but I love technology. I want to be a CS student and then I’ll see where I can go from here. I’d love to work on an online learning platform for “gifted” children

y’know so they don’t lose their childhood but at the same time can associate learning with something nice and actually enjoyable

I think a lot of “gifted kid burnout” comes from the | dopamine <—> habit making | mechanism

so if children can learn they don’t HAVE TO be good at every subject and learn their “strengths and weaknesses” early on

Hardships later on won’t be as depressing

cause hey maybe I’m not the best at english but I know a lot about maths and I like maths and maybe when I grow older I can be a mathematician!!

you see what I mean?

at least this is what I’m trying to do for myself

generational trauma and neurodivergency running in the family made me develop some shitty coping mechanisms (example - perfectionism in order to cope with my actual time blindness and the “need” for structure while hating organisation and refusing “unreasonable” authority)

I wasn’t raised catholic, not really

nor was I raised queer lol

but my brain reacted to religion the same way people who went through religious trauma did

basically I put myself through religious trauma on accident!

fun, aye?

what I mean is, I grew up religious because that’s what “felt right”

tradition and all that

and then I realised the catholics hate me for no fucking reason

and then I thought “well fuck you too!” And called myself an atheist

later it went into agnostic

and a couple of weeks back I grew OBSESSED with religion

christian one I mean

Fuck I even started reading the nsrv bible in english (!)

and then I tried to interpret it “by myself” using some historical context and googling some stuff

WHAAAAAAAT! Turns out the bible is a product of its own time and is not to be taken literally!

That’s crazy innit?

Yeah and then I realised all of my recent hyperfixations (last two years) were a silent ways of rationalising ALL my “unreasonable” anxiety and trauma caused by; you guessed it

NOT UNDERSTANDING SYMBOLISM AND SOCIAL CUES AS IT IS

IN MY NATIVE FUCKING LANGUAGE

I can learn *any* language

I just need some books, movies, music in said language

But don’t ask me about any grammar. I don’t care about grammar. And you can’t make me. Idfk what present simple is but I can shove it so far up your ass your own mother won’t recognise you. so yeah

I’m great at learning languages cause they’re a “brainless” work for me

I mean

I learn languages for fun - it’s a tool to communicate with broader audience AND find more knowledge on the internet (I Google EVERYTHING in english)

and when someone tries to make it into an actual job of mine. This is when it goes downhill.

also english being coded as “language of knowledge” is my “main” language

my native language is way more complicated and I never really had to acknowledge my emotion in polish

I mean maybe I did but I just never wanted to cause I never learned that! English in comparison is simple. It allows me to communicate simple ideas without the need to “sound smart”

this and isolation from my peers (kids are bastards) gave me an actual “language barrier”

which isn’t the case really

it was just my overthinking

I started enjoying polish music way more recently cause I can never get the lyrics

so I listen only to what sounds “cool”

in english on the other hand the most of my music taste was built around midwestern emo and folk punk

cause I listened only to songs that felt “somewhat relatable”

yeah all of that understanding makes me want to write an essay but i kind of don’t care and I’m too lazy to do that!

so yeah this is how I “cured” my compulsions, anxiety, depression, irritability and perfectionism. By having fucking adhd and being a massive nerd. because I would hyperfixate on linux, customisation, open source applications, cybersecurity, programming

turns out I’m great at maths since I KNOW HOW to solve the problems

My brain is just too quick to do it step by step so I tend to skip and get lost in my own fuckin notebook 💀

schooling just made me believe I suck at maths and i should actually kms for trying to improve at it /hj /lh

And I suck at my own language. I know a lot of “complicated” words and can deduce what certain words mean (logically) but I have issues adapting my language to my listeners. I either cuss every other word (too comfortable; thanks mom LMFAO)

Or I speak like an university professor. To my peers. And they don’t know what the fuck is going on. And I end up isolating myself because of crippling fear of being misinterpreted. And people think I don’t have a sense of humour whatsoever because I don’t “get” jokes. But I joke a lot and am very sarcastic cause that’s just how I am. God damn it

When were y’all going to tell me not everyone thinks I want to use them and be a bastard overall when I need to ask someone for help. when. were. you.

icb I had to go to paid therapy, feed myself some subliminal messaging, deprive myself of sleep for 48 hours, force myself to talk to my dad about things I don’t understand or scare me, go manic for a week on venlafaxine, my aunt had to die and I had to have a reason not to go to school for 2 days for me to actually acknowledge my emotion instead of rationalising it.

also everyone in school + my therapist thinks I’m still manic and in need of hospitalisation. How do I even begin to explain it’s not that I have superiority complex, and I just realised I’m hella smart, just in a pretty unexpected way….. because thorough my entire life I never acknowledged it for the sake of being “humble”. bitch it’s not humble it’s the lack of self worth and being someone else’s doormat.

y’all think that if I say “house md and one tumblr post cured me” they’ll let me off the radar?

no honestly I have too much to catch up on (maths, c++, reading in POLISH, and learning German for fun) to actually care about “depressing” things of this world

I mean sure it does sound unhealthy in hindsight

but thing is

this is the first time in my life where I don’t feel hopeless both about present AND the future

and I guess that’s enough for now

I have “a goal” and that’s enough

Later I might catch a job as an actual university professor. Maths or computer science. Biology or physics maybe?

it gives me an excuse to be “eccentric” lol

cause the students are here to learn not to make fun of who I am and focus on that

sure it’s a funny anecdote to mention like “dude my physics teacher is fucking nuts but at least his lectures are interesting”

and that’s all I care about

I get to express myself instead of internalising anything

and the students get to learn

yay and yay

mutual benefit!

yeah anyway fuck I have so much shit to catch up on and I’m so lazy I actually have to reorganise my room and desk so I don’t try to do my homework in bed……. (Yes I was THAT depressed and lazy)

when I do my chores in bed I keep on losing my pens and I’m one minor inconvenience away from doing something I might not particularly want to do…….

yah

thats it I guess

If this post made anyone realise something (“connect some dots”)

congrats and I’m sorry you had to find out this way LMFAO

if not

scroll ahead, not the target audience probably

[more-thoughts-than-money]

living update, i guess:

….. i just wrote a 3 pages long analysis on the possible influence of polish history on the political situation because i couldn’t sleep

i just kept writing and writing

it’s insane cause i never felt such a “push” to write about something

it makes me want to genuinely work on this and translate it to polish, and show it to somebody for whatever reason

i guess this is what it feels like to genuinely acknowledge i did something well and i’m satisfied with myself

recently i’ve been thinking of making a blog on some domain so that i can publish these writings somewhere because hey, we live in the age of the internet! maybe someone will find that they agree with how i see it, i’ll find the target audience for my thoughts!

anyways i’m exhausted now cause i slept like around 6 hours cause i’ve been writing down a lot of stuff yesterday (more personal shit) and low-key hyper focused on it cause nearly every thought i have develops into hours of writing.

i noticed that ever since my antidepressants started working my suspected ADHD seems to have….. worsened??

i’m sure it also has to do with me trying to put less emphasis on school (i guess it’s a part of trying to stop masking)

it’s a change, a scary one, but i feel blessed to find peace. because i know everything will be alright and that i’m not in control of everything. it’s healing.

[more-thoughts-than-money]

okay but that one episode in House where Cuddy is in the hospital and House couldn’t get himself to be there by her side to comfort her without reaching for Vicodin always makes me tear up so bad

when she finds out she gets pretty pissed

and it was always so fucking sad to me because they both knew that House wasn’t cut out for the relationship, and knew damn well he has a lot of emotional baggage

and it’s okay to hesitate when going into a relationship with such person, you have to be prepared for everything. and it’s hard to be prepared for anything with someone like House [and Cuddy is a perfectionist, she NEEDS to be prepared for anything in order to survive]

anyways, what makes me so upset when thinking of this is:

she knew he’s an addict and yet expected him to *just stop* taking pills cold turkey.

truth is that in my experience this medication allowed his brain to function and shut down his emotion.

i mean

i genuinely hc that he has ADHD

and it’s a very personal HC but i have nowhere to talk about this so yeah

but there was a couple of months in my life when i abused medication. in a pretty dumb way, so i can’t ever say i was an addict, because it was psychiatric medication, if i filled my prescription too soon doctor would know and as a 14-15 yo kid i wasn’t going to explain to my family that i’m abusing medication because my antidepressants never work and the doctor doesn’t bother to listen to me saying that i genuinely think i have ADHD

anyways thing is, when i ran out of the anxiety medication i abused that calmed my brain down (so that i could focus, and not be “dumb” in school)

i didn’t know what to do

so i went for my insomnia medication, since i didn’t have anything else, it wasn’t exactly helping me focus, but it would severely sedate me so that i wouldn’t be able to think about anything and then i could just skip school by sleeping for 13 hours or more

the only reason i stopped was because i was still underage and it’s my obligation to go to school. and i didn’t have an excuse for feeling dizzy other than “i feel bad, i don’t want to go to school” and then i would just sleep

anyways my point is i think it was my way of coping with ADHD, i think very quickly and am all over the place, careless and make mistakes when i need to actually apply the concept i’m thinking of

and it feels similar to why not taking Vicodin would freak him out and make him “a bad doctor”

for me having ADHD is like having a lot of energy that you have to put SOMEWHERE!! whether it be literal physical activity (hyperactive), brain activity (distraction), or both

losing the use of his leg only because nobody would believe him felt unfair, he had no control over it. and the anger (energy) and the lack of ability to let it out (through sports) made him 3 times as bitter, miserable and fucking unbearable (/lh)

also the need to pick up a hobby and putting your everything into learning it but dropping it once you “succeeded” and looking for something else to do hits close home

i mean yes it’s more of a head-cannon but he knows a bunch of languages (at least spanish, hindi and mandarin, the last two of which he is fluent enough in to read and carry out conversations) and its not even that he plans on using them, he just does it for fun, to keep his brain moving; and nothing else

he picks up physics because suddenly he has so much time to spare when he can’t do his work properly and hey, physics is hella interesting, why not learn it as well?

and that’s what i find myself struggling with, when i’m trying to stop emotional eating for example, or when i’m trying to stop overachieving at school for the sake of focusing on what i actually want to do

and that’s why i’m very depressed because i want to do so many different things! but i’m bound to waste 8 hours at school not learning anything because i either don’t care about it or care too much and the teacher can’t do their class without me talking with them all the time

on top of that; Vicodin clears out all the “useless things” including some the fear and distrust he has towards everything and everyone

when he’s sober and realises Cuddy, someone he tried so hard to break down all the mental walls for, could possibly die

it overwhelmed him, because he hasn’t been in a proper relationship in years

and that’s why it was so infuriating to see this

and i’m not defending House, because i know i hated him a lot of times during the time i watched the entire show

but he’s relatable in ways no other character ever was to me

[more-thoughts-than-money]

this meme changed so much about my attitude towards learning things (i’m a chronic perfectionist and an overachiever) and now i have more hobbies than i have time and it’s making me very depressed :(

[more-thoughts-than-money]

disclaimer

very personal blog , more of a unprovoked “talking to the void” kinda thing. feel free to skip!!

it’s a thing i do because i start out talking about one thing and mention 30 other ones! so it’s kind of like these guys who did the “wikipedia speedruns” but with a dose of accidental oversharing!! and it’s easier to do it “in public” so i don’t burden one specific person with this garbage fire thoughts of mine

[more-thoughts-than-money]

post that inspired this is a house md post….. but i kind of went on talking and that’s how it ends… anyway

this shit lives in my head rent free cause i always felt like both house and wilson feel relatable in very different ways and like

wilson reminds me of the couple of years where i had this massive saviour complex (probably some self esteem thing? edit: now that i think of it, it might’ve been my way of coping with loneliness and being the “weird and annoying kid to my peers and others) aaand all that yeah

and then at one point i realised how i didn’t feel genuine empathy most of the time and more often than not did things for people with no actual reasoning! just people pleasing for the sake of it, again probably loneliness

and then i burned myself out cause i’m not sure a 12 yo kid should’ve been out there convincing people not to commit! (and that’s on unrestricted internet access i guess…) but keeping talking to them even though it was mentally draining because what else is for me out there?

so yeah i kind of used these people and dropped them once i realised im exhausted and burned out

and i feel so horrible about it

but i can’t help and make myself go back to these people because it’s just… we don’t have anything in common

and a lot of people i don’t talk to anymore i lost solely because i went from talking to and helping everybody to trying to desperately rescue myself (unable to set boundaries - victim of my own people pleasing) and cutting myself off from nearly anyone who tried to get close because if we got close i know i would have to be the shoulder to cry on and that simply didn’t benefit me?? like it feels bad to say out loud but yeah- a lot of the time it feels counterproductive? i mean in cases where im able to help- sure go on and i’ll try my best

but a lot of the time im helpless and it’s frustrating

because deep down im always blaming myself for the fact that i don’t know what to say and i hate that feeling

and i never really learned the concept of simple, compassionate silence

and there’s only one person that i know understands me in the regard of compassionate silence and im comfortable with comforting and listening to

because even though i know i can’t help i know it’s okay

sure maybe im not hyperempathetic and will probably go on with my day shortly after

but in this moment where we are talking i’m fully there and there IS an inkling of genuine empathy

it’s just never very permanent

and i’m still kind of wrestling with this concept because sometimes i just think “okay, i’m doing something, i’ll respond later” even though i saw they texted me saying they feel shitty and at one point i realised that i do this to avoid “being the shoulder” when i don’t feel like it

and it’s a very shitty way to treat a friend isn’t it?

and it’s not their fault and i’m glad they talk about their problems to me because hell i’m glad we can trust each other and they genuinely feel like a younger sibling to me

i would say “a younger sibling i’ve never had!” but it would be a lie because i do have a younger brother with whom i more or less consciously ruined my relationship with - mostly due to my anger issues (especially prominent when i was just slowly but steadily going downhill

but at some points talking to them feels like a chance to “finally get it right” after i fucked up and it makes me very happy!

and at the same time i know i want to fix the relationship with my brother but hes in an odd age

when i was this age i was a bit different, more “””“mature”””” and yeah

but it seems he doesn’t fully comprehend how much i fucked up his childhood

and im not sure when is the right time to bring this up

when i can apologise

he doesn’t have to forgive me

he can hate me and blame me

and i can take that

but i can’t take my own guilt which stems from the realisation ‘oh fuck, my actions have consequences, he’s a child and what i say and do now could make or break him when developing’ and the uncertainty whether i should expect forgiveness or not

because as i said

he can despise me out loud completely

and i would take it a thousandfold over this uncertainty

because i want to apologise and try my best RIGHT!! NOW!! and i am trying to be better for him, for everyone

and now i’m trying not to be insensitive to anyone whether it be by a slight raise of voice cause i’m frustrated or by a dumb joke that i think is funny but COULD POSSIBLY be mean and i’m overthinking and i need a lot of reassurance and i feel so dumb and-

basically people define empathy as “being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes” and i sometimes do that too much

but other times i just find it inconvenient so i simply ~don’t~

and i don’t know what to think of that

i don’t know what my relationship with myself and everyone else is because everything is so undefined?

and i keep on learning about more and more undefined concepts nothing regarding humans is 1 and 0 and it’s great! i love the freedom it gives me regarding my gender expression or attraction and all that! it’s wonderful and i love it

but at the same time i like labels and precise words and i like to know what i am

and i don’t

because there’s no word for “empathetic at one time and straight up ignorant at the other” and there’s no justice in that and there’s no word and it’s very confusing and i hate it because im not something i can label!!!!

and a new way of labelling myself would be finding a character and going “wow this is literally so me” but i don’t think there’s such character! and that’s like normal cause people have so many different traits and they mix and all that AND at the same time i don’t want to think i’m “special” cause that could go downhill real quick !! cause i’m “a bit different” or at least WAS different as a child but i don’t want it to spiral into a “im better than others” and i know it could

and more importantly (?) i don’t want OTHERS to THINK im better than them

see even if i ACTUALLY thought myself better than others, i would deal with that, but the moment people DO think i have some weird superiority complex and i don’t want that!! i hate when people judge me when they don’t genuinely know me and there’s no way to broadcast who i am as a person to everyone

so yeah i’m a prisoner of my beholders perceptions and expectations (is that a fancy way of saying a people pleaser and a fucking doormat???)

sometimes i use weird long words and people think that i’m being a smartass and think i’m a snob(?)

but it’s just i WISHHHH i had something i can read and analyse and then label! and the short words never do it justice!! so then i can connect these longer words to myself and TRY to define myself but it feels impossible ! and it’s infuriating cause there’s no word that do justice to what i feel about myself and it’s so fucking scary because it’s like i don’t have ground under my legs

and rationally i know i don’t have to “know”

but i’m still scared

god damn it that was a long ramble i had from a random fucking post about house md

i love this show cause it makes me think and analyse a lot (i watched it more than a year ago and i think it altered my brain chemistry /hj) but i hate it cause it makes me go on long thoughtfully thoughtless rambles like these !!