#she is sooo depressed

[blood-injections]

Got inspired by this post by @montypng to collect(infodump) all my little thoughts about the girl so here you go. Spoilers for ttlotfk comic ahead.

She’s such a tragic character to me. First of all. She has no name?? Like she lived with the Fab Four for however long and there’s no way they’d just fucking call her ‘the girl’ unless it was like. A placeholder until they found out who she is or until she chose her own killjoy name. But still theyd have a nickname for her like motorbaby which I usually have them call her in anything I write. But motorbaby is also just a general zone term so what then. Anyway I propose one of them nicknamed her Starchild or Stargirl because of how much she looked like Jet Star and it stuck.

Anyway before the Fab Four fall, despite living in what is essentially a postapocalyptic desert and definitely facing hardships she was always happy go lucky, was too young to realize how shitty life can be yet, especially because the Fab Four did their best protecting her from all the scary things. Then she was captured and the fabulous four died and it definitely all set in at once. Maybe she was confused by the concept of them being gone at first but it didn’t take long for her to feel truly scared for the first time. Scared, hopeless, lost. She didn’t know what to do without them so she ran off. And somehow she survived until the comics came around and she’s what? Sixteen? And at some point she realized that the Fab Four sacrificed themselves just for her and she feels like she doesn’t deserve it. Four lives for one? What kind of bullshit was that. From the age she was old enough to understand that she’s had that guilt and anger festering inside her and she’s hated herself while also growing to hate them for sacrificing themselves for her, while simultaneously grieving and loving and idolizing them because despite the stupid way they died they were her family.

But she’d hate herself for that and she’d hate herself for running away, both on the day they were killed- even though she was a little kid and couldn’t have done anything and would’ve died too if she fought to stay with them- and after, when they got back to the zones and she ran away from Cherri and the others that rescued her. She hates herself for abandoning them even though she didn’t really do that, they live on through her but she doesn’t accept that until long after she goes kaboom.

And that one scene in the comic, when she’s with Cherri and he’s collecting the fab four’s things, she says she can’t remember their faces anymore. She knows of her mother but the Fab Four were the only family she ever really knew, and now she’s gone and forgotten them. she can only remember whisps of them now, bloody last words, scars and hair color. She hates herself for this, too. In her mind, not only did they die for her, but she’s failed them and she’s forgotten them, she’s just a homeless nobody teen barely surviving that can’t even shoot a gun. She doesn’t know who the Fab Four are anymore and she doesn’t know who she is at all.

Then she finds a remnant of party poison, that mask, and buys it because it’s something familiar, something from them she can hang on to when she has nothing else, hardly even memories. Then Val Velocity comes along(I hate him sooo fucking much but he has so much headcanon potential it’s horrible really) and they clash from the start but they’re also one in the same, angry clueless kids that want to bring back something that died years ago. And Val is an asshole, nothing like the faint memories she has of Party Poison, and she hates him and the way he’s spitting on Poison’s legacy rubs her the wrong way because however much she agrees with him that they were stupid for sacrificing themselves for her, a nobody kid that really shouldn’t have survived this long, she wont let her family’s memory be abused like Val is doing, so she sticks around for a chance to do or say something to get him to stop. But then he also looks like Party, and his face is beginning to fill in those gaps in her memory because he has the hair and he’s wearing the mask but that will never be Poison’s face, and she hates him for that too, for beginning to taint even her own memory.

Then she finds out what she is. That she’s nothing but a weapon, that she was placed where she was on purpose and watched her whole life and that she’s not a person, not to bli. But she sees the chance she has, a chance to fix things, to finally honor that sacrifice. That’s why they did it, because of what she was, what she could do. Not four lives for one, four lives to end a war. Not that she wanted that either, she’d rather all four of them still be alive and fighting than dead and the desert have peace. But she needs to honor that sacrifice, to make it worth it, so she goes to the city to end it all. And she fully expects to die. She’s been told she’s a bomb and so she expects to explode, for her life force to somehow do something. She thinks she’s giving her life to save the world just like the Fab Four did all that time ago and she thinks that maybe she’ll get to see them again now, because she fulfilled her purpose as a bomb, as a weapon. She saved the world, she’ll get to see them and she’ll deserve to.

But then she goes off and she’s still standing. And party’s mask is back in her hands and the city is free and what now? She did what she was meant to do, what was her purpose now? She still has no family, the Fab Four are still gone, Cherri and Doctor D are gone now too and they were the closest thing she had left to family. And maybe her mother somehow returns maybe she doesn’t. Either way, for a while she’s truly and completely alone, purpose fulfilled and a little less guilt ridden, but not really.

Eventually she accepts that she’s a good thing, that nothing was her fault and there’s nothing that she doesn’t deserve, that the Fab Four didn’t give their lives to save a weapon but to save her, their kid, because whether she’d end the war or not, even if she was completely ordinary, she was their kid and they couldn’t just let bli take her. She didn’t get to choose what happened to her but they did, and they chose to give her a chance to live, something she’d never have if she stayed stuck in the city. They had already lived and loved and just wanted her to have that too, with or without them.

She accepts all that one day, but it takes a while.

[mxbitters]

parents are funny the way they want you to be open and honest with them, supposedly, but when you are, it leads to some fucking confrontation that didn’t need to happen, and when that happens, it leads to something you weren’t ready to say coming out, then being coaxed out into a still very much controlled held-back version of describing your lifelong experience feeling shame for existing the way you do and not being “easy” or as good as like, your little sister, academically, or as capable of masking as anyone else, and THAT carefully worded recall of just the natural fucking feelings of growing up in a frankly abusive household, resulting in.. oh, sorry, YOUR FATHER crying as if he wasnt just trying to gaslight you into thinking he didnt tell you the other day to Improve Yourself As A Person (right before the conversation about his mother entering hospice so now guess who can’t fucking mourn without associating it with that!) and that he instead was saying Improve Your Situation

and then he like catches you like visibly dissociating, comments, you try and put it in very simple words what just happened (in the same manner you have pointed out every other little thing he does to invalidate your feelings, or as he’d put it, “your feelings” yes using air quotes) and he suddenly is a fucking Psychology Scholar And Didn’t Need You To Explain What The Defense Mechanism Even Was and oh then also admitting to doing harm in the past, saying he had apologized (wonder why i dont remember), your mother(actual psychology minor) getting all “i’m sorry you feel that way” and also after a long ass tangent about there being a difference between “shamed” and “ashamed” as if you didn’t mean the word you say, a thing you did make very clear, ONCE AGAIN FUCKING CRYING ABOUT YOU BEING OPEN AND HONEST FOR ONCE AND TELLING THEM THEY HURT YOU

[h20milk]

re2 and re4 leon when gf hides her other eye because her hair grows too fast: "that is perfectly fine and valid and i will support ur decision of hiding your pretty eye. :)"

re6 leon when gf hides her other eye because her hair grows too fast: "cut that shit off NOW... please, i said please."

[zafiro-anyejo]

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[imgonnagetyoubacktv]

sooooooooo i have pcod

[beetlepaints]

reference sheet for my girl bohemian <33[>n<] I’ve been working on her for over a year and i am very proud of her. she has more outfits + uncensored ver and info about her which is shown underneath the cut below :]

she’s a beastie living on a planet called Harpy-X9000 (otherwise just known as harpy). beasties are humanoid-anthropomorphic beings that evolved to have both human and animal attributes- bohemian is particular is a tiger/goat hybrid! many beasties can be hybrids of different species or just a singular specie.

additional info: Bohemian’s a full time immortal sun deity beasty and a part time guitarist for the band Zolar Eclipze!! she lives in the city Østen and makes money by the shows her band plays in town. despite knowing the other band members, she chooses to stay in her own apartment where she can be by herself and doesn’t have to worry about disturbing anyone else (up until she gets some new roommates!!). She spends her time writing sheet music for her guitar so she can play protection spells for the sun.

though I didn’t add them, she carries earbuds or anything that can play music with her at all times. silence can be understimulating, so having something in the background and jewelry to fidget with helps her stay alert. through the flashy exterior, she often struggles with burnout/fatigue from being alive for so long. being an autistic sun goddess who’s been around for thousands of years does a number in you.

Bohemian used to be married several thousands years ago to her wife Willow, who she unfortunately lost in a war during her youth. Her wife dying is the reason she became a deity; she sacrificed a piece of her soul to a higher being to bring Willow back to life only to get the manifestation of Willow’s soul turned into a green, crystal necklace she keeps on and protects at all times.

[carefulfears]

thoughts on revival mulder pretending his name is bob at starbucks because he’s tired of explaining he is named after an animal ?

i just think he is a cute old man.

i actually wrote a whole thing based on this once skjdfh but he is CUTE!!! my favorite thing about it is the way scully teases him ("fox doesn't exist in coffee shops") but she genuinely looks like she's gonna melt looking at him. she just adores him so bad, 25 years in even the silly little things still get to her.

and i've always really loved these small eccentricities that mulder's characterization was so rich with, i love how those types of things matured and developed as the series continued

[running-in-the-dark]

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[dumb-doll-lips]

what would happen if you told her you were saving money for a nice trip and could she contribute money towards that?

(she doesn’t have to know it is to go visit your Daddy)

Super appreciate you trying to help✨.

I don’t think that would go well. There’d be immediate questions of where I want to go, and no one would believe I’d want to go on trip by myself, and I don’t have anybody I can use as like a mom friendly cover story. But like I kinda don’t thing it’d get that far bc she’d be quick to be inviting herself. She brings up travel and going on trips a lot. She’s already heard a lot of me saying I haven’t been interested in traveling for a while (which is a little true but mostly I don’t want to go on more trips w her, it never goes well). It has felt to me that if share I want to go somewhere she’d want to plan the trip to come, and bring the whole family if she could. There’d just be a lot of questions and even if I could convince her I just want to do it alone, I feel like that would either get her like pre-worrying I’m going to die so then like all the questions (and prolly her sounding like she’d cry if I went on a trip and didn’t like immediately reply to her) or her making me feel like a shit person for not wanting to go w her (def feel like I’d get put on the spot to have to explain why I’d want to go alone).

I think my leading idea is to ask for some expensive curling iron (or set but I’ll need to specifically pick it out or she’d think anything id consider to be an improvement on what I have to be too pricey for what it is). If it’s an expensive she’ll hit the gift cap amount she has in her mind sooner and I won’t be asked to come up with as much.

[paleode-ology]

guys Sammy Rae was SO amazing. The absolute best night of my life. After listening to and leaning on her music for the better part of a year, seeing her and the rest of the friends in person was such a dream come true, and I’m going to be thinking about it for so long (or at least until I watch the new episodes of ofmd…)

Also! Check under the cut for the finished jacket I embroidered and put patches on for the show! I’m hoping to keep adding to it so it’s even more fun at the next concert of theirs that I get to go to <3

[i-can-even-burn-salad]

Happy STS Elli!

What inspires you to write? Are there things that you know that you can get inspiration from or does it just come randomly?

Happy STS!

For me, inspiration doesn't mean "to write".

There are, and always have been, a lot of stories floating around in my mind - ideas, scenes, vibes, outlines. I get inspiration from literally everywhere, from talking to my friends, and video games, and scrolling past images or prompts, and reading books, and spending too much time on reddit, and…

Many remain daydreams, or character backstories, eventually lost to time.

Now for actually being able to sit my ass down and get words on the page? I don't know. It comes and goes as it pleases. Having a beehive where a brain should be does NOT help, let me tell you that.

I just. Can't focus on shit lately. Can barely make it through a chapter when reading. Every day is just suddenly over, and I got nothing done, and I am so tired. I have a completely outlined short thing I have been trying to write since Nov, and it's like pulling teeth.

I could do with several months off work while everyone leaves me the fuck alone. How would that be.

[lesbiantrish]

genuinely have never felt like anyone has genuinely given a shit about me besides like three people

[carrionsong]

xime's inspiration/brain problems list :] JSVGNBYUS IS THIS ANYTHING.... does anyone understand. where am i

[altruistic-meme]

i feel like shit but my sister is supposed to come over today to hang out. i think. i need to text her and cancel. but also i don't wanna just cancel on her like that. but also. i feel like shit. ugh.

[okcoolthanks]

Gonna look at pictures of sea slugs until I feel better

[heavenlydreamangelflyhigh]

wholeheartedly recommending my year of rest and relaxation by ottessa moshfegh to my 43 year old father over zoom on a sunday night