#self help reading
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youtube channels to motivate you this semester



⥠abao in tokyo - study with meâs & playlists
⥠advika singh - study & productivity vlogs
⥠allie c. - medical school vlogs
⥠carrot td - study with meâs
⥠celine - study with meâs
⥠deaana - medical school, study with meâs, stationary, etc.
⥠dear mimi - study vlogs
⥠dia - medical student vlogs
⥠dr. rachel southard, do - medical school & residency vlogs & talks
⥠emily feng - medical school vlogs
⥠emilystudying - dental school & study vlogs
⥠emma grace - nursing school vlogs
⥠emmalilyn - study with meâs
⥠ginny - study vlogs
⥠hyobin - medical student vlogs
⥠leighton sanders - nursing vlogs
⥠lucky penny - study with meâs
⥠lunardazes. - uni study vlogs
⥠madiâs nursing journey - nursing school & nursing vlogs
⥠mango oatmilk - study with meâs
⥠maria silva - study & hospital interning vlogs
⥠merve - study with meâs
⥠mishujo - study & productive vlogs
⥠nada - study & productivity vlogs
⥠ray hon - study with meâs
⥠sab yang - medical school & study vlogs
⥠sean study - study with meâs
⥠sierra lyn - nursing vlogs
⥠studymd - study with meâs
⥠study to success - stationary, study with meâs, study hacks, etc.
⥠tani study - study with meâs
⥠yours truly, chloe - study vlogs
⥠yulma - study with meâs
#girlblog#girlblogger#girlblogging#that girl#dream girl#it girl#self care#self love#glow up#becoming that girl#self help#self improvement#self development#study#studying#studyblr#college#rory gilmore#study blog#studyspo#study aesthetic#study motivation#wonyoungism#study tips#study inspiration#studyinspo#hot girls read#paris geller#gilmore girls#clean girl
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"It would be my pleasure to give you a proper tour and introduce you to everyone."
Here is my full illustration for @svsssbigbang for the fanfiction Night at Cang Qiong Museum by @adventure-waffles! An incredible Night at the Museum x Scum Villain AU! Don't hesitate to also check out the other two artists incredible pieces for this fanfiction: dustmeadowx and qiye!
And since I know that tumblr tends to destroy the quality of my illustrations, here are some close-ups under the cut:



#svsss#scum villain's self saving system#ren zha fanpai zijiu xitong#bingqiu#liu qingge#luo binghe#shen yuan#bingyuan#yue qingyuan#e-ming#making a cameo because idk I thought it'd fit#night at the museum au#svsss au#fanfiction fanart#fanfic fanart#svsssbigbang#myart#âI'll make paintings in the backgroud it'll be easier!â little did I know... I would have to learn chinese inking techniques for this#I've visited a lot of museums while working on this illustration and it helped greatly#in my top museums? Kanagawa's history museum and the Cluny Museum in Paris first got great exhibits second great lighting#seen lots of buddhist art too in japan so that inspired me to draw yqy as a statue#I tried to imitate the cloth folds and the way they sculpted the hair on those buddhas while also keep it different enough#anyway look at sy why is he so short he's so cute I could carry him in my pocket#he looks like a twelve year old boy that got lost in the museum aaaaw (that's a grown man)#go read the fic now what are you still in the tags for go go
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tfw you fall in love with the magicless prefect that keeps running around campus đ€Šââïž
#aceyuu#just in case u cant read my shit writing ;#Ace: Y-you! Grim is doing a terrible job at taking care of you while I'm gone! Your hair is a mess... Let me fix it...#Yuu: âThank you Ace.â#Ace: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#twisted wonderland#ace trappola#ace trappola x yuu#twst#disney twst#twst ace#nyuudle#oc x canon#twst oc#twst yuu#my art#pupheart#2025#hi i love aceyuu so much i think abt them even tho im not even into twst as much anymore#something abt their dynamic kills me soooo good liikeeee fuckkkww#WHO DOES HE THINK HE ISSS#my yuu is constantly overworked cuz she feels like she needs to compensate. like she doesnt mind being burned out but theres a reason why-#-she always looks a little scrunkly. she has no time for self care she just helps people constantly no matter what#ace doesnt like that
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you always land on all fours
#umineko#umineko spoilers#ikuko hachijo#ikukos turn for a more serious piece... the old man has reigned for too long#now. INCREDIBLY LONG INCOHERENT TAGS RANT INCOMING FAIR WARNING HAS BEEN GIVEN:#it makes me so so sad how little discussion there is about specifically ikuko because imho she fits so neatly into a lot of the more#overarching Big Themes of the game in a way that i have not ever really seen people take notice of or point out in a meaningful way#like even just off of the top of my head. the significance of names and what it means to go by a name that's Not Yours (she has like 4+)#what it Means to be a witch how it represents a person's deepest insecurities and flaws & how its at its core a coping mechanism#the fact that it takes two to create a universe and trying to do it on your own anyways has the capacity to bring you intense misery#^ (how she's shown to be extremely dismissive of her own work and skill until a collaborator comes into her life and helps/encourages her)#and even the family/patriarchy/misogyny stuff that is so prevalent in the rest of the game comes back around to her. even her Only Friend#(young&stupid atp to be fair) remarks that shes Weird for being unmarried + the little she does say about her past invites the question of#to what extent her self-image stems from her family deeming her a freak outcast & effectively disowning her while celebrating her brothers#and i have lot in my mind about the witch thing specifically because i think her particular situation is very reflective of what umineko's#entire magic system and fantasy facet as a whole is meant to represent for an individual. from what little we see of (what is presumably)#her Real personality she is shown to be deeply self conscious in a way that is JARRINGLY diametrically opposed to both 1.) what we see in#featherine and 2.) what we see when she is acting as a Public Figure. because both of the above are very much purposeful acts that she is#putting on in order to obfuscate her true self. and i have always been very resolute & adamant about not totally equating her to featherine#not only because im very firmly in the camp of âfeatherine is the avatar of the Pen Name & tohya is part of her tooâ but also very much b/c#i feel very strongly that the stark differences between the two are very centrally relevant to her character & her psyche. as is the case#with most other witches featherine's personality traits serve to reveal/magnify a lot of ikukos inner workings by playing on her#insecurities/reversing them e.g. ikuko being very quick to downplay her skill/achievements becomes featherine being the COMPLETE opposite#to the point where she barely registers even other witches as living beings rather than just fun touys. BUT even though i do champion the#ikuko/featherine separation so hard i ALSO think it is purposefully relevant that at first glance the line between them seems so blurry#her introduction implying a more nebulous separation between her reality/fantasy counterpart is i think is an intentional move on her part#like it is part of the front she is putting up when acting as the Author. as opposed to Ikuko the person who we (in a way ironically very#similar to the way that the Real Battler is presumably only shown during the boatscene) only very briefly get to see take up screentime#which even on a meta level lines up very well with her apparent underlying nature as a like. extremely private largely reserved/shy person#hit tag limit but if by some miracle anyone is still reading this thank you... please see ikuko with the love she deserves... ok ily byeee
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Common Sense for women in their 20s
Define your raison d'ĂȘtre
Journal regularly, in fact daily
Figure out the right hairstyle for you
Buy clothes that fit your body type
Learn to do you own makeup if you'd like to wear it
Observe, observe, observe
Try to participate in the society
Know that not everything is within your control
Do not live in fantasy or fear, they are distractions
Read books
Learn to form you own opinion
Do not force friendships
Do not stress the small stuff
Spend time getting to know your self
Know women's history & History and use it to your advantage
Have some intellectual rigor
Create your own community
Find a third space
Take your vitamins
Your wellbeing and wellness should be your priority
Have role models for every area of your life
Have discretion
Do not be quick to anger
Have mentors and be a mentor to others
Your social skills will take you far
Be responsible, the world is not so forgiving to women
Know when to stand out
Know when to fit in
Curate your life to fit your goals and desires
Understand strategy and how best to use it to your advantage
Get acquainted with what maks the world go round
You have to climb socially
You need allies in areas where you want to win
Be kind
Be content with what you have, otherwise you will pay the price
#self improvement#self love#growth#mindfulness#self development#education#beauty#self care#classy#self help#self control#self discipline#self worth#emotional intelligence#get motivated#mindset#reading#books and reading#booklr#new books#new year
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â â â â â â â â đș đ»đđđ đđż đŹđđąđ§đ
â â â â â â â đłđ§đ€ đ€đČđČđ€đđąđ€ á”á¶ đđđđđđđđ.
â â â â â â â â â â â â @asaprocky đâ đ„·đœ



đ.đđșđđŸđ
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â â â â â â â â â â â â © @cigsrettws
â â â â â â â â â Caso pegue comente "pg"
#cigsrettws#rpg help#messy bios#instagram bios#kpop bios#rpg inspiration#moodboard jennie#messy moodboard#messy icons#kpop moodboard#messy layouts#moodboard#long bios#kpop layouts#short bios#biography#self help#quotes#new rp#rp#lana del rey#long reads#kpop icons#instagram#h names#dark bios#grunge#kpop#cute bios#news
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As cameras becomes more normalized (Sarah Bernhardt encouraging it, grifters on the rise, young artists using it), I wanna express how I will never turn to it because it fundamentally bores me to my core. There is no reason for me to want to use cameras because I will never want to give up my autonomy in creating art. I never want to become reliant on an inhuman object for expression, least of all if that object is created and controlled by manufacturing companies. I paint not because I want a painting but because I love the process of painting. So even in a future where everyoneâs accepted it, Iâm never gonna sway on this.
if i have to explain to you that using a camera to take a picture is not the same as using generative ai to generate an image then you are a fucking moron.
#ask me#anon#no more patience for this#i've heard this for the past 2 years#âan object created and controlled by companiesâ anon the company cannot barge into your home and take your camera away#or randomly change how it works on a whim. you OWN the camera that's the whole POINT#the entire point of a camera is that i can control it and my body to produce art. photography is one of the most PHYSICAL forms of artmakin#you have to communicate with your space and subjects and be conscious of your position in a physical world.#that's what makes a camera a tool. generative ai (if used wholesale) is not a tool because it's not an implement that helps you#do a task. it just does the task for you. you wouldn't call a microwave a âtoolâ#but most importantly a camera captures a REPRESENTATION of reality. it captures a specific irreproducible moment and all its data#read Roland Barthes: Studium & Punctum#generative ai creates an algorithmic IMITATION of reality. it isn't truth. it's the average of truths.#while conceptually that's interesting (if we wanna get into media theory) but that alone should tell you why a camera and ai aren't the sam#ai is incomparable to all previous mediums of art because no medium has ever solely relied on generative automation for its creation#no medium of art has also been so thoroughly constructed to be merged into online digital surveillance capitalism#so reliant on the collection and commodification of personal information for production#if you think using a camera is âautomationâ you have worms in your brain and you need to see a doctor#if you continue to deny that ai is an apparatus of tech capitalism and is being weaponized against you the consumer you're delusional#the fact that SO many tumblr lefists are ready to defend ai while talking about smashing the surveillance state is baffling to me#and their defense is always âwell i don't engage in systems that would make me vulnerable to ai so if you own an apple phone that's on youâ#you aren't a communist you're just self-centered
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Sobbing uncontrollably reading through a dissertation about the college experience of students with ADHD. It is like reading a report about my life that just says over and over "My experiences are real. My hardships are real. I am not lazy, I am not dumb. My struggles were not my fault, and they were not a moral failing. The failure was with the system, not with me."
Here's a line that got me in particular:
"Hotez et al.(2022) compared the health, academic, and non-academic capacities of a nationally representative sample of U.S. first-year college students with ADHD and without ADHD. Students with ADHD self-reported lower academic aspirations and more feelings of depression and overwhelm, ranking themselves lower in their general emotional health. The fact that students with ADHD scored in the highest 10th percentile for many non-academic traits, such as artistic ability, computer skills, creativity, public speaking, social confidence, self-understanding and understanding of others, compassion, and risk-tasking, suggests that this population has strengths that are frequently underappreciated in academia."
(the paper is a thesis called "Understanding the Collegiate Experience for Students With ADHD" by Gia Long, 2022)
#adhd#actually adhd#i often hyperbolize but i am dead serious when i say sobbing uncontrollably. this is why i was putting off this assignment.#1000 years of hell to professors who assign self-reflection papers /hj#i dont feel comfy posting the pdf bc its not mine butttt.. i will share it to people who dm me.#edit: pages 80-85#edit: thank you to everyone who reached out and asked for the pdf!! i wasnât expecting this reaction#keep reaching out Iâll keep sending it#if anyone is interested but struggles to read academic papers pls ask me for help bc Iâve gotten a lot of practice with them and am Glad to#expand someoneâs access to a paper like this
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Thank you-- đ
#I read all your sweet tags#and all the DM's and comments too-- ;o; <3#I'm just so positively overwhelmed by all the positive response I've gotten--#especially when I started posting more stuff that isn't that âcuteâ as I normally post#so your comments means ALOT to me! <3 Makes me feel more confident of posting more#but I still consider keeping this stuff on my alt twitter account bc I'm just feeling so self-conscious--#I still keep posting cute stuff too! I just really wanted something new to âresetâ myself? dunno how to describe it?#I also want to be more comfortable on posting more fast sketches (like these) without thinking of âall the mistakesâ#and ofc posting online helps with that little by little!#(oh-- pls ignore that the phone is in the wrong hand XD)#Anyways my BIG THANKS to you all! Just wanted to say it. >///< <3#myart#submas
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youtube channels for the book girlies



⥠a frolic through fiction
⥠alexa raye
⥠alexandra roselyn
⥠anda kent
⥠ashleyâs little library
⥠basically britt
⥠becca and the books
⥠briddy
⥠carmen gilfraguada
⥠coverswithcassidy
⥠destiny sidwell
⥠ellen catherine
⥠fruitful reader
⥠gabbyreads
⥠hailey hughes
⥠haley pham
⥠heather mclarry
⥠jack and the books
⥠jaime fok
⥠jodie
⥠katie is reading
⥠katherine karas
⥠kendall watson
⥠larry
⥠leora aileen
⥠lexi aka newlynova
⥠maditales
⥠melreads
⥠peachapplebi
⥠pursuit of the truth
⥠rachel catherine
⥠reading with asha
⥠read with kate
⥠reading with meg
⥠sara carrolli
⥠taylor ann wright
⥠tia chu
⥠the book leo
⥠withcindy
#girlblog#girlblogger#girlblogging#that girl#dream girl#it girl#self care#self love#glow up#becoming that girl#self help#self improvement#self development#books & libraries#book recs#bookish#bookworm#book#booklr#bookblr#books and reading#book review#books#hot girls read#reading#read#rory gilmore#paris geller#gilmore girls
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I don't think it will reach many people but I want you guys to be proud of yourself. Sometimes the things we achieved along the lines can feel not very significant but you still did.
Your own original ideas you started from scratch. Sometimes we need more than just believing in ourselves. We need to appreciate too sometimes of how much we actually achieved.
Even if in the five years you see your progress in just one area and it only progressed level one still babe it's perfect. Not everyone is granted everything on silver spoon you didn't you did all that yourself. Learning unlearning and still going.
If you were your own child what would you do? How would you feel for this progress? Not that good? You know it should have been more cause you can do it? Don't beat yourself over it. Look at the other areas that you progressed. Your energy and mind were not focused on just one area of betterment it was for your whole.
Look at yourself and around other and not just this one specific area of your life which you think you didn't progress even when you had the resources and everything. You are not lazy, universe don't hate you, and you are not going backwards.
You are just progressing even if you can't see but every area of your life in the areas which you can't even see. So be gentle with yourself and take a moment to be proud of how much you actually grow up.
If you do drawing of some sort I feel your art is very fun not just healing it is fun you know like colour yellow. Different cool and sunshine? I see one secret admirer of your art. And I don't think or see this person will ever like come out or talk I feel very introverted energy but yes. Your art is something good. Even if it feels almost absurd. Your art is fun and childlike not just to you but to those you admire your art. Though again do it for yourself and not for the likes and fame.
I love your energy and I feel a lot of progress slow but yours authentic. I see you glowing from within the areas of your life on spiritual and on material level too which though you cant see progressed. God bless you, keep growing, keep going. And be proud of yourself. You are not stuck just doing the work on every level.
#astrology#sidereal astrology#nakshatra#astro notes#tarot#astrology community#astro observations#vedic astrology#astrology observations#claire nakti#self help#sprituality#spiritualgrowth#psychicadvice#free psychic reading#psychic readings#psychics#witch community#witchythings#occult#888#saturn#pick a pile#pick a card#intuition#intuitive readings#witchblr#occulltism#oracle#oc
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thinking about snarky cultural/theological commentary and. the thing about snark is this: itâs easy, and itâs instant gratification. itâs easy because youâre playing to a likeminded audience. you get the way they think, you know the sort of things they find ridiculous, and so you know whatâs going to play well with them. itâs not that hard to come up with a zinger thatâs going to earn you applause from your own side. itâs also pretty easy to make another human being whoâs not on your side look stupid, because weâre stupid creatures and we all have plenty of exploitable weak spots. itâs preaching to the choir, and itâs preaching meanly to the choir. and then, your snark bears all its fruit right away. you get the glowing feeling of having scored points against the enemy while being patted on the back by your friends for being so brave. if you succeeded in being snarky, you get the rewards of snark that very instant.
on the other hand, seeking to share the truth you possess in a mode in which it could actually be receivedâthat is, says St Thomas, according to the mode of the recipientâthatâs hard, and itâs so far from being instantly gratifying that you may never see the fruits of it in this life. not only are you not thinking about your likeminded audience, youâre not even going to trot out the truth simply in the way you understand it and call it your best effort. rather, you have to try to get inside your interlocutorâs frame of mind and understand how the truth you know is going to fulfill their own priorities and longings. you have to understand them so well that you see the truth of their position, even if that truth is buried very very deep, and then see how that truth connects them to the truth you see. you have to be insightful, and compassionate, and so, so patient. you donât get to score any points, with anybody. your interlocutor might still get annoyed with you and turn around and make you look stupid. but you canât just say âIâm going to speak the truth and I donât care who hears and how they take itââyou have to care how they take it, because the truth is relational, itâs given and received, not just spouted into a void. and frankly you have to care how they take it because you have to care about their salvation.
donât get me wrong, there are times in every personâs life when they will be called to stand up and be counted, to put fumbling words to what they hold most dear even if they canât make everyone understand. but I donât know that itâs a virtue to be always focused on being seen saying the truth, with no consideration given to who hears you and what theyâll hear in itâand itâs certainly not a virtue to be always focused on being seen saying the truth in a mean and funny way. âinstruct the ignorantâ is a spiritual work of mercy. but instruct the ignorant does not mean âinstruct the ignorant while making the knowledgeable laugh and/or high five.â
#obviously thereâs a lot of middle ground between the one method and the other#but I think the middle ground has a tendency (especially on the internet!) to slide into snark#because you want people to know youâre self-aware! you want them to know you have a sense of humor!#itâs very vulnerable to stand up and say the truth in the way you understand it and so itâs tempting to cover it up with snark!#but snark is not a virtue!#YES if Iâm gonna read a long-ass article on theology/culture/politics it helps a ton if the author has a sense of humor#but sometimes otherwise thoughtful and insightful writers go way too far!#too personal too pointed too uncompassionate!#to the point where itâs like. you can technically be correct and still be an asshole#because if your main goal in speaking is to make your friends laugh? you just might be a bully#and I get that thereâs a specific kind of snark thatâs meant to be commiseration between friends. like âyou seeing this shit?â kind of snar#but I just donât know that there is a place for that on a public page on the internet#because the âthis shitâ youâre seeing is usually a human person and they could very well read what youâve written#tldr: you canât abrogate your responsibility to be nuanced and compassionate#cate writes
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All of the 141 collectively shed a tear when craigslist personals was shut down.
I just know that Captain John Price was frequently perusing the 'w4m seeking sperm donor 4 natural conception' posts :/
#ashakajaka sorry#not saying he necessarily answered them all but he WAS looking and he was down bad#wannabe milfs in his area? raw#and i know ghost was either trolling people for his own amusement OR was answering the non-sexy hyperspecific hobby posts#soap was down bad for everything#probably would just read through some to masturbate#and then shut down the site all guiltily when he came to âm4m wants guard dog/collared top who takes commands (and dick)â#gaz was probably the guy who swooped in on posts where a woman needed help getting over an ex#or was self-conscious about a lack of experience in [xxx] kink and wanted to try#enough nonsense for today#i KNOW alternative exist but lets be real â craigslist personals had a certain je ne sais quoi#bĂĄirseach rambles#price#ghost#soap#gaz#john price/reader#john price x reader#john price imagine#cod imagine
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The Hand That Feeds
âIf being with me only brings you pain, then just put up with this for three more days.â Or, the stages you go through during those three days.
PAIRING.â Xia Yizhou | Caleb x Reader
CONTENT.â female reader | spoilers for Caleb's story | angst, brief manipulation, drugging is briefly mentioned, implied toxic behaviour (per canon), medical issues (source: i made it up), mental instability, mentions of blood and violence, mentions of suicide and self-sabotage, splitting (reader has BPD), unreliable narrator. | ~6,8k words
A/N.â sooooooooo I've been playing Love and Deepspace..... the brainrot got so bad I've written over five thousand words in two days. this is a bit more of an exploration on the emotional/psychological end, so I'm sorry about the lack of romance!
available on AO3 | reblogs and comments are always appreciated!
1. DENIAL
Caleb never breaks his promises.
Itâs been that way since you were little kids. In thunderstorms, he promised to keep you safe, and he did. On gloomy days, he promised to be your light, and he did. In the rain, he promised to shield you, and he did. He never lies. He always picks up the phone. He never misses any important dates. He always catches you and never lets you fall. That was the Caleb you knew years ago.
Now, heâs much more different than the scrappy young boy with missing teeth and plasters on his skin that he used to be. This Caleb is tall, imposing, domineering. His uniform puts emphasis on his coldness. He is the embodiment of power, but just like he promised you when you were ten, heâd use his power to protect you. Youâd trust him with your life, because deep down, you know that he wonât make you regret it.
Youâre more than capable of protecting yourself. Years of training at the academy and another handful of years as a hunter has shaped you to be your own defence. Calluses and scars litter your skin, painting them with texture and molding you into a unique sculpture. With each year that passes, you grow out of the same scared little girl you used to be, but you can never get rid of fear completely. Loud noises still send you jumping out of your skin. You still fear death no matter how familiar itâs become. You worry about growing old and fading out of existence, leaving behind vulnerable people whoâll lose you for good.
The past years have not been kind. Fate has put you in all sorts of situations to test your might and willpower, forcing you to be the fearless woman you were meant to be. Youâve passed turbulent times, cried alone as your mind tells you youâre going insane. Youâve stayed at home for days, hiding away from the rest of the world as you contemplate your self-worth and utility. It drains you, bleeds you dry, but for you, there is no time to rest. Life goes on. You must always keep moving no matter how wounded you become.
With Caleb, it doesnât feel like it has to be that way.
Heâs always taken care of you very well, making sure you get enough rest and remember to eat no matter how stressed you become, but things arenât the same. Youâve grown and so has he. And yet, heâs still the very same boy you grew up withâone who cares for you, one who loves you for you, and one whoâll always have your back. Youâre not familiar with giving yourself a break, having been living in a routine of discipline for over a decade of your life, but you find that itâs a nice change. Itâs the instrumental break of a song, itâs the beach on a sunny day. Itâs gentle breezes caressing your skin and itâs layers of padlocks broken, letting you out of the cage youâve built for yourself.
For once, you can let yourself relax and be taken care of the way youâve always been. But as the storm rages on, it all comes crashing down, and you find yourself falling apart.
The anxiety that had come with your initial arrival at Skyhaven never left. It simmers at the pit of your stomach, creeps into your veins and wraps its tendrils around you, dragging you into a cold abyss of apprehension and fear. Being away from Linkon City isnât doing you any favours. You donât know anyone here aside from Caleb. There isnât a place to go or people to talk to. The likelihood of you being in danger is low, but itâs not impossible, and the storm outside does nothing to help your current state. The power has gone out, leaving you in a wide, dark and empty complex where the only illumination comes from the lights on the skyline.Â
The recent events are still heavy on your mind, too. Of him tending to the gash on your leg, of him restraining you with his Evol. You donât think youâve been that scared since that day in the interrogation room. You remember it vividly: the dimness of that room, the collar heâd placed upon your neck, or the tension in the air while you struggled to get yourself back to reality. It felt like you were in a dream. But then the lights came on and he spoke, and he was no longer the Farspace Fleet Colonelâhe was your Caleb.
Your nails have become brittle from how much youâve been biting on them. Youâve been pacing around the place, trying to call him time and time again only to get no response. With a frustrated sob, you toss your phone onto the sofa and collapse to your knees, tears streaming down your face in rivulets. As much as youâd like to believe that you arenât afraid of thunder anymore, tonight proves it all wrong.
All you can hear is the downpour outside. It muffles the sound of the clock ticking, yet it doesnât tune out the worried voices in your head. Itâs nearing midnightâway past your bedtimeâbut you canât sleep, not even with the potential ambience of the rain. Your thoughts are racing a mile a minute. Though Caleb usually comes home while youâre asleep, being wide awake now also means youâre too awareâaware that he isnât home, aware that heâs in danger, aware that he might not ever come home at all. Your phone is nearly dead and the candles have long since gone out. Youâre trembling both from fear and frost, his sweater loosely hanging on your frame.
The words âlockdownâ and âcleanupâ grow more and more distant as the irrational thoughts strengthen in numbers. They say heâs doing this on purpose, that heâs abandoning you for good because of you, that heâs keeping so many things hidden from you because he wants you out of his life. You want to believe they arenât true, you really do, but your fragility makes you waver in every decision. The urge for violence grows but you do your best to keep yourself grounded, rocking yourself back and forth as your body is wracked by sobs. Itâs easier said than done. You donât know how you can stay afloat when you feel so alone.
Cruel. Heâs cruel for leaving you alone for this long. Heâs cruel for not responding to you. If he truly cared for you, he wouldnât make you feel this way. Fear blends into anger as your hands twitch and quiver while you heavily breathe in and out as an attempt to calm down. He promised you this morning that heâll come home. You just need to trust him. But youâre so scared of everything, feeling like the world is caving in around you as you fall deeper and deeper into the void. The dark makes you feel isolated, suffocated. Briefly, you think of how no one will hear you if you scream in this weather. Not even he can save you. Maybe thatâll be the first and last time he breaks his promise.
You shake your head. You know better than to trust your emotions when the sky gets dark. This will pass, it always does, and Caleb would want you to be strong. With newfound determination, you harshly wipe away your tears with the back of your hand and get up. Your legs slightly wobble from the ache in your knees, but you keep upright. As if sensing your predicament, the rain outside slows down and becomes quieter with each second. The thunder has stopped roaring and the downpour slows to a light shower, its droplets hitting the clear glass of the window panes.
Then, the front door opens. A scream threatens to escape your throat. The emergency lights in the hallway outside show a male silhouette at the door, and when you realise who it is, the grave weight on your shoulders is lifted. Relieved, you run into him, making him stumble for a moment before supporting you more steadily. You wrap your arms around his neck and cry, quiet whines leaving you. He pulls you close and rubs soothing circles on your back before murmuring a quiet Iâm home into your ear.
How could you doubt him like that? Caleb is kind. Heâs the best thing to ever happen to you. He never breaks his promises. Whatever anger you harboured for him earlier dissipates into the air just like fog. Still shaken from the blackout and his radio silence, you grab him tightly, the fabric of his coat bunching up in your unrelenting grip. You donât know whatâs wrong with you tonight. You were doing perfectly fine before the storm. Youâre mentally berating yourself for letting him see you in such a pathetic state, but youâre too drained and itâs too late to try to hide.
(Youâve never been able to do that with him.)
âI thought you left me,â you whimper, âIâI donât feel good. I donât know. I was scared.â
You cling to him like a child. You feel like one, with how weak and emotional and volatile you feel. The sobs slow down into sniffles as he carries you over to your bedroom before taking a seat on the bed and placing you on his lap. His gloved hands comfortingly caress you wherever they can. Guilt sinks into his bones, pulling him deeper than his gravity ever could. The explosion had been out of his control, so had his death, but he canât ever forgive himself for making you feel like youâd been left behind.
An ugly emotion rears its head, holds him in its jaws. He wraps his arms around you possessively, allowing you to calm down at your pace. You let out a heavy sigh and fall into him, feeling boneless after the meltdown you were in earlier. There are many things you want to say, but none ever slip your tongue. Instead, you let him hold you, let him press soft kisses to your hair, enveloping you in the warmth you had been craving.
âI told you Iâd always be by your side,â he finally speaks up after a moment of silence, squeezing your flesh warmly. âI promised you that, remember?â
You donât make a sound. You shift closer to him, desperate to be closer, close enough to feel like youâve fused into one. He doesnât force you to speak. You look up at him, tear-stained cheeks glimmering under the moonlight, helpless and afraid yet so loving and elated. He shushes you softly, lulling you into a relaxed state as he wipes away your tears with his thumbs before cupping the side of your face affectionately.Â
Iâll always be by your side.
How silly and humiliating of you to have been vulnerable like that. Caleb would never lie to you. Heâs right, he always is, and you need to learn to fully trust him again. He never breaks his promises. He wonât start now.
2. ANGER
It started with an excruciating pain in your heart.
Then, it continued with pins and needles striking your limbs, making them feel boneless. Your view blurred and darkened at the sides as static took over your vision, showing you mirrors and streaks of light. Your throat closed up and you clutched at it helplessly, jaw dropping open as you tried to breathe. The world spun and suddenly you collapsed on the ground, motionless and afraid. Waves of panic crashed into you, drenching you in trepidation while your thoughts ran rampant, stacking on top of each other like voices in a crowd.
You hardly registered the muffled shouts and your body being moved as you fell limp. Your head was spinning and you felt like you were falling into coldnessâinto deathâbut when you woke up, you found yourself in the medical bay of the Fleetâs aircraft.Â
The pain in your heart had subsided enough. It still ached and burned, but clarity had returned to your eyes and your limbs no longer felt numb. Your eyelids fluttered open, revealing the fluorescent lights in the ceiling, and it was only then that you heard muted conversations, presumably from those who were taking care of you. You tried to push yourself up, only to be pulled back by something. When you looked down, you found all sorts of cables attached to you and an EKG monitor on your side. Your heart rate was fast and your blood pressure was high. Caleb had come into the medical bay not long after that.
After dismissing the nurses, heâd taken you to his home and decided heâd take care of you himself. Though you werenât keen on essentially being on house arrest, there was no point in arguing with him. Even if you doubted him sometimes, you knew in your heart that he would never lead you astray. But the way heâs been treating you like a child irks and suffocates you, making you feel like youâre locked in a cramped room.
He talks to you softly and treats you like youâre fragile. Youâre several years into your career as a hunter. Youâre well in your twenties and more than capable of taking care of yourself or tending to your wounds. As much as you appreciate his concern, itâs starting to feel suffocating. Maybe years of depending on him have made him think youâre useless. He wonât trust you, but he still holds many secrets of his own.
The only conclusion you come to is that heâs hiding something from you, or heâs hiding you.
It doesnât make sense. Nothing does. How can someone so familiar feel so distant at the same time? You canât understand his logic or tell what heâs thinking. He always has an explanation for everything, and yet, they never satisfy you at all. The weariness in your system coupled with days of being under quarantine is taking a toll on you. Heâd insisted persistently that you stay put while he takes care of everything. Itâs not as if itâs his fault, either. No matter how much you want to get back to workâthinking about the backlog youâre going to have to catch up to puts insurmountable anxiety upon your shouldersâyou canât, because your body isnât cooperating.
Itâs not a fever. Itâs not a cold. But somehow, you always feel so out of it. It doesnât even feel like youâre piloting yourself anymore. Suspicion rises in the back of your mind as you think of the medication youâve been taking every morning. He never told you what they are. What if heâsâ
No. He wouldnât. Caleb isnât like that.
But what if? You donât understand him. You donât know him anymore. Why is he hellbent on keeping you locked up here when youâre already capable of handling things on your own? Burying your face in your hands, you let out a scream of exasperation, feeling as though youâre losing your mind. Why wonât he listen to you? Do you mean anything to him at all?
The door knob twists. You swiftly relax your furrowed brows and turn to him with a small smile as he enters your room. The sun is barely rising, but he already looks wide awake. You canât help but narrow your eyes suspiciously at the small cup of pills that heâs holding.
The question slips past your tongue before you realise it. âWhat have you been giving me?â
Caleb stops in his tracks, brows raised in surprise. Something flickers in his eyes, but the calm expression remains on his features. He moves closer and places what heâs holding on the table, only to pause in his movements again.
âYou didnât finish dinner?â
âCaleb. What have you been giving me?â you ask again, your hands beginning to tremble. Your thoughts are running rapidly, alarms of urgency ringing in your head and adding on to your anxiety. You need answers. You need to know everything.
He takes a seat on the stool next to your bed with a sigh. âIâm hurt you donât trust me, pipsqueak.â
âThen whatâs wrong with me?â You clench your fists, knuckles turning white from the pressure youâre exerting. âWhy wonât you let me go?â
âYou had a protocore-induced heart attack. Your body is still recovering,â he replies easily. You canât tell if heâs lying or telling the truth. âAnd Skyhavenâs still under lockdown. Itâs not safe for you to be out.â
âDo you think of me that lowly?â Aggravation drips off of your tone as your voice starts to waver, a familiar sting spreading behind your nose and tears springing up to your eyes. âDo you think Iâm still a little kid?â
âItâs not that. Iâm just worried about you.â
Your voice rises in volume. Itâs getting harder to keep your anger in control.Â
âIf Skyhavenâs so dangerous, why wonât you let me go back?â
âBecause you canât. No one goes in or goes out during this lockdown. Iâm sorry,â he says. Itâs quick and meant to shoot you down. You want to scream, to break something, anything, but you canât. âI just donât want you to get hurt. Iâm protecting you.â
You gnaw on the inside of your cheek, irritated at his responses. Thereâs no point in arguing with him, you realise. Calebâs stubbornness knows no bounds at times. You take your hand back and look away with an indignant huff. You know youâre acting like a child. Grandma would be disappointed if she saw your state now. But youâre frustrated, youâre anxious, youâre alone and you just want to go homeâ
âLeave. I donât wanna see you,â you spit, stubbornly staring at the window. Then, an unknown fear seeps into your veins, causing you to soften just the slightest. âI donât want us to fight, Caleb.â
âWeâre not fighting.â He crouches down in front of you and takes your hand into his before giving it a warm squeeze. âBut you have to try and understand me.â
You donât want to. You donât want to see his face, donât want to hear his voice, donât want anything to do with him. Ignoring him, you get up the chair and return to your room, closing the door behind you with a loud slam. The sound makes you flinch. Unwanted memories slowly fade into the reel of your mind. Aggravated, you lock the door and sit down, pulling your knees close to your chest as your jaw clenches.
You donât know what you want. A part of you wants him to come in and apologise, to let you do what you want. Another part of you wants him to just leave you alone. But when thereâs only silence, you find yourself breaking into sobs again, feeling like youâve been abandoned. Heâs mad at you. Heâs going to make you leave and say that heâs just giving you what you wanted. Guilt creeps into your heart as the realisation that youâre doubting him dawns on you. Heâs been so kind to you since the little stunt you pulled to get yourself here. Heâs letting you walk freely. Heâs letting you stay in his home.Â
But heâs not listening to you, heâs ignoring you, and it makes you feel as though youâre just a speck of dust in his eyes. Your emotions rage as a tempest in your mind that destroys everything in its wake. A scream of exasperation leaves your lips as you hold your head in your hands, trying to catch your breath.Â
Iâll always be by your side.
What a liar.Â
3. BARGAINING
It feels as though the sands of time are allowing the particles to fall one at a time into the bottom of the hourglass.
Time is moving slowly, almost as if itâs stuck in place, and hearing the sound of the clock ticking every time youâre âhomeâ is starting to drive you mad. Itâs hard not to zero in on Caleb when he is all you have here. Youâve contemplated sending Tara and Zayne some messages to let them know that youâre fine, just staying with a friend. For some odd reason, the messages never get delivered. Assuming your phoneâs just broken, you havenât picked it up since. As a result, thereâs not much to do in your free time outside of chores or breaking down, and itâs tearing you apart.
Maybe heâll rethink his choices if you get hurt on purpose, you think with a bitter grimace. Itâs hard to believe that his consideration for you, something you used to adore, now felt like chains holding you down. He might as well have left the collar on your neck. Anger, betrayal, guilt, and shame. Your mind has become a tempest of despondence and pessimism destroying every rational thought in its path. You want to scream and punch the wall. You want to hurt something. You need to destroy something. Your self-control is hanging by a thread and the stubbornness is beginning to feel childish, silly.Â
Regrettably, Caleb is right. The Farspace Fleet is still working on cleanup amid this lockdown, not allowing anyone to go in or out. Leaving Skyhaven isnât an option anymore. You donât know what you feel anymore, either. Youâre stuck here with a curfew whether you like it or not, and your unfamiliarity with the place leaves you at a severe disadvantage. Though youâre not exactly a drinker, your mind wanders to how youâd feel if you were too drunk to think of anything. You donât care. You donât know what you want anymore.
Some days, you feel angry at him and think heâs the devil. Some days, you appreciate him and think heâs a gift sent by the heavens. The lack of a middle ground constantly leaves you teetering on the verge of falling on either end. But nowânow you feel nothing at all. Youâre numb, indifferent, and it perplexes you because you still feel so bad. You think youâre a walking contradiction or a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Caleb has dealt with you for years without a single word of complaint. Youâre taking him for granted, says the voice in your head. You need to keep him.
You harshly slap yourself on the face to snap out of it, bringing yourself back to the present.
The skyline glimmers in the distance. Red and white lights speed by on the road and the billboards are as lively as ever. Nightlife enjoyers are undoubtedly in good spirits as they travel from bar to bar. Tara must still be awake watching her favourite show, and Zayne is surely still working late at the hospital. You want to hear their voices and be in their presence even if itâs just for a few minutes. Thereâs a weight pulling at your heart as your mind wanders to Linkon City. To your real home.
The walls of what you thought was a gorgeous home is starting to remind you of the interrogation room you were in. It feels drab, lifeless. There isnât much evidence within the home itself that there are people living here in the first place. The little OTTO robot he built for you stays in the corner, lifeless as well. You absentmindedly tap your fingers against the surface of the couch as you stare into the glow of the television. Even the commercials that are meant to be fun and exciting feel fake. The programme continues, returning to the scheduled film of the night.Â
Itâs late at night and you canât sleep. Youâre up later than youâd usually be. Caleb isnât home yet, rendering you beyond aware of the fact that youâre home alone, and anxiety lurks around you at every corner. Your pistols rest on the spot beside you as a precaution. With what has been transpiring since you stepped foot in Skyhaven, anything is possible. Itâs strange how paranoid youâve become over the past couple of days. You should feel safe here, you should feel safe with him being the Colonel himself, but you donât.
ââconcerned about you. He said he thinks you might try to kill yourself.â
Your gaze drifts over to the pistols. An image of your blood pooling beneath your head as you lie limp on the ground flashes before your eyes. You imagine how heâd react to your death. Will he care? Will it devastate him? Will he regret how heâs been treating you? Strangely enough, the gruesome thought doesnât bother you as much as it used to when you were younger. Violence comes with your job as a hunter, even if itâs not inflicted upon humans. Death is no stranger. Itâs more familiar than youâd like it to be. Youâve been lured by it a couple of times in your childhood, seen mangled bodies and frozen corpses in your lifetime.Â
Youâve gone from craving death to being afraid of it, and yet here you are, contemplating it just like you did when you were fifteen.
Tara used to tell you not to believe your thoughts when itâs dark. You desperately want to, but it feels as though your brain wonât allow it. Youâre tired and lonely. You miss home. You grieve for a man that is still alive. A long time has passedâpeople are constantly changing. Heâs not the same man you were eating dinner with at Granâs house. This is a man who has been through death himself, weighed down by his never-ending burdens and responsibilities, and you sink deeper into your guilt as you realise how unreasonable youâve been.
You try to separate every thought again. Caleb is protective of you because heâs known you for most of his life and youâre the closest person to him. He put you under strict supervision because heâs worried youâll be in danger without him to protect you. He treated you like a child, making you feel as though he doesnât trust you. Your outburst halted everything and is slowly destroying your relationship inside and out. It all feels so monumental, so much bigger than you can handle, and you canât help but feel defeated.
You have two options: continue this game of who can make the silent treatment last longer, or apologise to him and gain his forgiveness. It eats away at you either way. With apologising, you donât even know where to begin; heâs never been mad at you nor has he ever raised his voice at you. He always tells you that everything is going to be okay, even if it doesnât feel like it.
Itâll pass, is what he would say to you. And Iâll be here with you.
But when you have already destroyed everything with your bare hands, who will be there to rebuild it with you?
You havenât prayed to a god in years. Prayers and rituals donât work on you, you think, and so itâs not worth the time or effort. But as your eyes slowly close, you pray to whatever celestial being listens to youâgive him back. Youâll never do it again.
4. DEPRESSION
Another day of silence passes and plunges you further into the pool of fear and helplessness.
Caleb hasnât spoken a word to you. Not once. He still prepares your meals, leaves you notes, but he doesnât utter a single word. You grow more restless by the minute. Heâs angry with you. Heâs just too nice to tell you upfront. Anxiety makes you avoid him, afraid of what heâll do or how heâll react. He doesnât stop you from going out anymore, either. Youâve been spending your time outside his home, distracting yourself with whatever activity you can find on the streets. For the first few hours, the newfound freedom made you feel on top of the world, but it didnât last.
Him stepping back should make you feel happy and relieved. Instead, the claws of despair pull you in closer and closer to its maw. You return home after a day out to complete silence. The floorboards would creak beneath your feet, waiting for someone to break the stillness, only for there to be nothing. When you wake up in the morning, Caleb leaves behind nothing but the remnants of his cologne in the air, small proof that he was home. The smell used to comfort you. Now, it makes you feel lonelier, because itâs not enough.
It feels like youâre losing him in real time. Youâve retreated so far into the corner that youâre fading into the background as the world continues on without you. You see him walking farther and farther away from you, disappearing into the crowd as he leaves you standing in the midst of it all. The thought of him leaving your life gnaws at you, puts you into a spiral of loneliness. You wanted this, didnât you? For him to leave you alone?
Then why do you feel like youâve been abandoned?
The stark reminder of his absence claws at your heart. You barely see him at home and it feels like youâre lost at sea, drifting away from the shore with each wave that the ocean carries. Getting out of bed feels like a monumental task. Your limbs feel heavy as if youâre being held back by a ball and chain. And youâre exhausted, even with the hours upon hours of sleeping and locking yourself away in your room, too tired to live. A part of you tells you youâre overreacting. You donât even remember what had upset you in the first place, but you know one thingâ
You donât want him to go.
Being an adult comes with doing things you donât want to do or are too afraid to do. This is just one of them. Youâll apologise to him with low expectations so you donât break your heart, but youâll fall into euphoria if he forgives you. Heâs looking out for you. Itâs not his fault.Â
Itâs yours.
You remember times in your childhood when heâd come get you after school with your favourite popsicle split in half, one for you and one for him. Heâd ask about your day and his eyes twinkled with genuine interest as he listened to you go on and on about every detail that happened. The walk back home was always filled with joy. He feels like a distant memory, an echo of the past, and you wonder if heâs the one who changed or if itâs you.
Whoever it is, what was an unbreakable bond had shattered to pieces, and it was all by your own hand.
Self-hatred burns through you. You wish you were different. You wish you werenât the way you are, so flawed and broken beyond repair. You wish you were like other women, those who are always on top of their game and strong no matter what life throws at them. Without realising it, youâve already given up on yourself. Youâre no longer loved by him; youâre an enemy, a monster, and the thought plagues your being.
The feeling of unworthiness lingers in your chest, a constant ache that wears down the edges of every thought. You remember the person you used to be with him before the explosion. Optimistic, hard-working, hopeful. She feels like a stranger now, like someone you used to know who left your life without saying anything. The weight of it allâthe distance, the guilt, the silenceâis becoming unbearable. He is slipping out of your grasp, ready to leave you as a memory of the past, and youâre falling further back. He is swimming to the surface while you are sinking deeper into vast nothingness, surrounded by the unknown.Â
You wonder what he feels when he looks back at you. Is it pity, or is it resentment?
Or does he hardly feel anything at all?
The door opens, stopping your train of thought. You stagger up to your feet, quietly making your way to the entrance with your hands folded in front of you. Calebâs eyes meet yours and you falter for a moment, every word youâve rehearsed in your head going forgotten as time seems to be at a standstill. You muster up a smile, doing a little wave at him.
âWelcome home,â you say, your voice barely louder than a whisper.
He returns with a smile of his own. âThanks.â
You want to say something, anything, but no words come out; you donât know where to begin with them. Instead, you stand there and smile awkwardly, completely lost and insecure. Your smile feels fake. You know he knows it is. Itâs a façade youâre using to hide the turbulence within you. Calebâs smile is polite and you want to run into his arms and tell him everything youâve been feeling. Your heart drops when he looks away from you, ready to leave to attend to his own affairs.
âIâll just, um, go,â you chuckle nervously. âSorry, you must be busy. Iâll see you around.âÂ
Reluctantly, you withdraw and return to your room, shutting the door with a quiet click. Drained, you fall to the ground and bury your face in your hands, frustration oozing off of you in waves. Was that a good sign? Or was he faking his friendliness just to get you off his back? He doesnât seem angry, but youâve also never seen him angry. Anxiety harrows you as you stare at the ground, mind racing with what feels like thousands of possibilities. You wish he was easier to read. How can you know someone for so long but know nothing about them at all?
You ball your hands into fists and tremble, tears streaming down your cheeks before you can stop them. Youâre falling behind. Heâs already on the path to moving on but youâre still stuck in your spot, hopelessly wishing heâd turn back and ask if you want to try again. This fightâthe one with him, the one with yourselfâfeels daunting. Youâre but a frail little thing facing off with something grand and monumental. It towers over you, cloaks you in its shadow, emphasising the fact that you are nothing compared to it.
The world is quiet, and as you sit gazing upon your opponent, you start to wonder if this fight was even yours to win at all.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Before you know it, itâs the night before the promised third day.
You were lucky enough to be able to have breakfast with Caleb this morning. It felt tense and awkward, but he still maintained the conversation so effortlessly as if your outburst never happened at all. He left for work with a simple kind smile and told you to stay safe if you do go out. Even while youâre being unreasonable, he still has your best interests at heart, and the fact that your tantrum is lasting this long humiliates you to no end.
You spent the day out at the shopping district. The city was vibrant with the hustle and bustle in its streets and pedestrians. You heard laughter and chatter, joy that was spreading among people and their friends, and youâd never felt more alone. Even in a place swimming with people, you still felt so isolated like you were just a speck of dust. Eventually, your surroundings became white noise, and time went by like a blur. It felt as if someone else was taking control over your body. You numbly went through each stall searching for souvenirs to bring back to your loved ones back in Linkon City, spending away without hesitation.Â
When the sun began its descent, you made your way back with several bags of new items in hand. Youâd gone over budget, but you couldnât bring yourself to care. For a moment, you were completely fine, free from the crushing weight of the world on your shoulders. Returning to Calebâs place took away the momentary lightheartedness and replaced it with something devastatingly hollow. You moved on autopilot, stepping into the shower and taking off your makeup, changing into more comfortable clothes.Â
When you were done, you sat in the living room and watched whatever was playing on the television, its audio turning into background noise as you drifted away with your musings. Before you knew it, it was dark outside, and Caleb was back home. You parted your lips to say welcome back, but he had entered his room before you could call for him. Awkwardly, you returned to the television and fidgeted with your hands, nervousness entering your system the longer he was gone.
It seems to be a peaceful time for Skyhaven tonight. The media representative of the Farspace Fleet had come out to answer whatever rapid fire question the journalists had. Reassuring every citizen, he had said that the cleanup theyâve been doing is gradually wrapping up, and that the lockdown would be lifted soon. With nothing else to worry about for the time being, officers were allowed to return home early, including the Colonel himself.Â
Caleb reappears in his loungewear and stops to look at you, rolling up his sleeves to his elbows. âIâll make dinner.â
âOkay,â you reply awkwardly, unsure of what to say. It doesnât take long before he returns to the living room again, heading for the other end of the couch. Not wanting to disturb him, you leave him to his devices and stare ahead into the television, holding yourself back from looking at him repeatedly. Itâs unusual for him to be home early, so youâre equally lost, completely clueless on how to function.
You sneak a glance at him. Heâs reading a book, his brows furrowed in concentration as he immerses himself in creativity. He looks peaceful, so undisturbed, and youâre still not sure what to do. Even when youâve been a brat, he still has your best interests at heart, and the fact that your tantrum has lasted for days humiliates you to no end. His consideration of you nearly brings tears to your eyes but you keep yourself together, not wanting to worry him.
You part your lips to speak only to close them again, frantically trying to come up with a coherent sentence in your head. He looks relaxed, so the chances of him reacting aggressively are low. You know heâd never raise his voice at you, but the paranoia hasnât left you yet; everything you do needs a safety plan. Biting down on your bottom lip, you stare down at your hands before standing up, nervously wringing your hands behind your back.
Mustering up all the courage you have, you speak up, meekly, âIâm sorry.â
He looks up from his book, brows raised as he watches you in what appears to be confusion. You want to run away and hide, but he deserves this. Itâs the least you can do.
âIâm sorry,â you repeat, eyes downcast. âIâm sorry for lashing out. For acting up. Itâs just⊠Iâm justâŠâ
He smiles softly, getting up from the couch and walking towards you. Bringing you close for a hug, he presses a soft kiss to your temple and squeezes your frame reassuringly. You melt into his touch, a burning sensation spreading in the centre of your face as your bottom lip quivers. You whine and hide your face in his sweater, desperately holding on to him as if he could disappear at any moment. Youâve already lost him once. You wonât lose him again.
You canât.
âPlease donât leave me.â Your voice trembles as you speak and sniffle in between words. You grab onto the fabric of his sweater tightly, trying to keep yourself grounded. âI didnât mean it. I wonât do it againââ
He sighs, content, and pulls you closer to him, letting you cry in his arms. His hand rubs soothing circles on your back as he hums a comforting tune, the same one he used to when you had nightmares as a kid.
âSilly girl,â he says, rocking you side to side. âIâm not gonna leave you.â
No one else will ever do it like him. Heâs kind. He cares for you. He stays with you even with your volatility and your flaws. The resentment youâd been harbouring towards him douses you in guilt as you latch on to him, basking in his comfort. Heâs only doing this because he cares. The disaster in your mind slowly unwinds and the grating voices that had been plaguing you the past week quiets down.Â
He gently pulls away and brings his hands up to your cheeks before brushing away your tears with his thumbs, lulling you into a calmer state.
âItâs okay,â he coos. âI promise.â
Finally, you trust him, because he never makes promises he canât keep.
#*family feud bell* YESSIREE THE MC HAS BPD#this is super self-indulgent I'm sokjafddhkak#shoutout to Trophe who dealt with me freakingn out over this for 2 days#I sat at my desk for hours the past two days rewriting and scrapping because I wanted this to be good#plz send help I've depleted all of my brain juices#Also I put my heart and soul into this so please be nice. Writing and expressing myself is difficult#all#lads#lnds#lads caleb x reader#caleb x reader#lads x reader#lnds x reader#lads spoilers#lads x you#i only beta read this once so if u see any mistakes no u don't
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favourite ship dynamic: both of them are only half-functioning but two halves make a whole
#And then they take care of each other and help each other through their trauma (just read a fic like this and I have feelingsss)#Forgive me if this does not make sense I am very sleep deprived#Merlin bbc#merthur#merlin#arthur pendragon#bbc merlin#One has the self preservation instincts of a lemming#The other canât even dress himself#Throwing this into the wild itâs been so long since Iâve made a post like this#Rambling hoots
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