#relationships and npd

[thisisnarcissismtalking]

Hi dearies

You see, the thing is that I don't have anything that interesting happening right now, that I'm very unsure what to talk to you about. And it's all because I don't do much except studying and planning a DND campaign, because my dearest girlfriend is out of town!! 😭😭😭

And I know, I know, I'll see her soon when I move in with her, but it won't be the same due to university starting, our study hours being vastly different, and general big city conditions being sadder and... more boring in a way. It may be just my attachment to this town and our little adventures around it, but it's real.

So! I thought I'm gonna speak some stuff about relationships, friendships and generally my attitude towards people in my life - as a narcissist. Cause that's a thing that I thought very much about lately and I need to get it out of me finally.

Because I really don't think I need so many people in my life - in a deep, close relationship way. And that being said, I don't think I do have.. like, you know, close friends?

The person closest to me, my girlfriend, is also my very, very close friend in a way. She knows a lot about me, I try to tell her everything and to not keep secrets. It's hard because I'm not yet feeling that well about some of my narcissistic traits, that part of society would probably deem strong flaws. You know - the jealousy, the high need for constant attention and praise despite not doing much, or even, resulting from these, passive and negative attitude towards some people and ideas. Because when I'm jealous of someone I usually tend to get quiet and unhappy, and I can't for the love of god hide it, so I just come off as acting weird xddd

But yesterday I realized another thing about me. And it's that I am.. pretty much indifferent to most people. And holy hell is it a complicated subject though.

It's not like I don't hang out with people. I even like some of them. But it isn't anything more than that. They are people I meet sometimes to go on a short walk or play DND with. And the thing is, I do not feel empathy, practically at all. Adding up these things - I am mostly indifferent to what happens in their lives unless I can somehow see myself in them (worse thing is if they see themselves in me sometimes, because they are usually wrong and it's weird, stop projecting onto me people, only my gf knows me well enough to guess what's up with me xdd).

It's hard because I also have a thing with seeing relationships as "what can I get if I talk to this person". And because of this, my attitude towards university colleagues is right now "get to know someone so you would have a person you can get notes from, and maybe borrow money sometimes if you need", cause that was a surprising lot of my high school relationships. But I don't feel the need to befriend anyone. I don't need friends.

And yeah, many people would say "wdym it's hard, it's so cool! I wish I wouldn't need friends, I don't like caring about other people...."

...idk, I don't know what to say to you. I don't relate at all xdd I just sometimes feel bad about it. Cause on one hand I would like to know someone who would understand me, maybe someone cool with similar interests as me, but on the other, I just know that I wouldn't feel the need to contact them, talk and make moves to get the friendship going. Probably also get tired of them quickly.

I may just... very much not like people and hate everyone that isn't my girlfriend because they tire me, they have problems that they talk about often and that I don't care about at all, and sometimes they're funny. But that's all. I don't even feel I want praise from them because I don't care about it.

I hold dearly sweet words from my favorite person and time spent with them. I care about them and wouldn't ever want that relationship to end. And it's not for the stereotypical reasons - she criticizes me a lot, and she's not treating me like a walking goddess, only giving me praise. Nah, I just love her. Actually and honestly. I want to get better for her in ways that I can. And these aren't things I would say about anyone else in the whole world.

....I wonder if my npd has something to do with being demisexual. It would be a really interesting connection considering all of the above, don't you think?

That would be all for today. I think. I would maybe do a post about my relationship with myself too. So maybe it's not all for today, but for now.

[viveela]

A style comic I just had to get out of my system

[bricky-brikson]

Thinking about the "trilion and 12 years old" joke about Bill and thinking about his psychological development after the Euclydia massacre

In the show, we see that while he can plan ahead and manipulate people, he's often foiled by his own impulsiveness/anger/emotions. His ultimate goal is to escape the Nightmare Realm/Dimension 0. And sure, he says this is because he promised the Henchmaniacs he'd help them, but ultimately as others have pointed out, Bill is terrified of death. He wants to live forever - have "a party that never ends with a host who never dies". All he cares about is himself, his own survival and hedonism

All this to say, Bill has the emotional development of a teen. He hasn't gotten past the self-centredness nor the reward/adrenaline seeking behaviour, but has emotionally evolved enough to be able to manipulate people and such (and be able to feel guilt, even if it's just a picogram). Though his immaturity shows when he doesn't get his way.

One might think that, being a trillion years old, he would've developed a bit, but here's the thing - major traumas can "freeze" people at certain developmental stages. We don't know how old Bill was when Euclydia was destroyed - though considering his behaviour I would bet he was a teen.

(Or whatever the equivalent of that stage is for his species. They have exoskeletons- do they have instars then? Whatever, that's not on the topic of this post)

Seeing his entire dimension destroyed after (what was probably) a well-intentioned attempt to show them what he saw ("They'll see. They'll all see.") permanently emotionally stunted him. However it was he got his powers, he was a teen/young adult with powerful abilities who had just erased an entire dimension from existence and was now accountable to no one but himself while also being deeply traumatized. His constant partying and implied substance use were probably the only coping mechanisms he could think of, dissociating because he has no idea how to actually confront what happened. The way he talks about the massacre - he detaches himself from it yet still admits guilt ("A monster."). Only post-divorce does he implicate himself in the event, though still obscuring its true nature ("I liberated them.").

Being surrounded by individuals who are similarly maladjusted for most of his trillion-year lifespan certainly didn't help things. The Henchmaniacs are likely somewhat stunted as well, or at the very least don't offer much in the way of mature/emotionally adult conversation, especially since Bill reacts so poorly (read: homocidally) to any sense of malcontent.

Which is to say, I think part of why Ford was important to Bill was because, compared to him, Ford was more emotionally developed (Ford is emotionally stunted in his own ways, but not as severely as Bill IMO). Subconsciously, their relationship was reaching a hand out to the scared teenager in the centre of Bill's psyche and offering him someone to lean on- someone who had their shit a little bit more figured out. A kind of figure Bill hadn't had since he killed his parents.

Of course, such vulnerability probably felt so alien that Bill tried to distance himself. I always wondered - why didn't Bill just lie to Ford about his plan to take over Dimension 49'\ ? Ford would've believed him, finished the portal, and Bill's plan would've been fulfilled. Well, I think it was Bill trying to burn the emotional bridge. In his own impulsivity, his own desire to dissociate instead of confront, he would rather make sure that he would never be able to be vulnerable to Ford than fulfill his grand plan.

...

I don't remember where I was going with this. There's no conclusion. I'm spinning this triangular multidimensional tyrant at physically impossible speeds in my mind and if I didn't write something about him my skull was going to turn into a fine powder. It's almost 2 AM, so it's entirely possible this post makes 0 sense, in which case feel free to inform me of that in the notes.

[narcissism-awareness]

A guide to NPD for anyone who doesn't understand it!

What is NPD?

NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a mental illness in the cluster B personality disorder category.

NPD usually stems from childhood abuse or other unhealthy childhood situations. In my case, abuse.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of NPD include an unstable sense of self, prioritizing yourself, having unstable relationships, having low/no empathy, and depression/self hatred.

These can be improved upon, but disordered thoughts will likely remain for most.

Can pwNPD have healthy relationships?

Yes, with effort and work. Plenty can have healthy and successful relationships. (like me, for example, in a loving relationship with my boyfriend)

We have a to be a bit more aware of how we treat others, but it helps when both the person with NPD and the partner set boundaries with each other. With communication, we can be great partners.

And yes, we can feel love and care about our partner(s). Empathy ≠ love. Empathy ≠ compassion.

Why does the term "Narcissistic abuse" harm pwNPD?

Because of the name, anything said about "narcissists" is also associated with us, even if you weren't talking about NPD. If you were, that's just blatant ableism.

Many of also call ourselves narcissists either just as a descriptor or to reclaim it.

Other terms like emotional abuse, gaslighting, and plenty others describe the same thing without ableist roots. Please, speak out about your abuse, but avoid using ableist terms.

But my therapist/psychiatrist uses the term "narcissistic abuse," how can it be ableist?

Sadly, ableism isn't that uncommon from medical professionals. Plenty use terms like "narcissistic abuse" and other ableist terms.

Why not just advocate to change the name of NPD?

Even if the name changed, it would still be ableist. We have another cluster B disorder that got a name change that we can look to for example of what happens.

You used to be able to be clinically diagnosed as a "psychopath," which has since been changed to ASPD. However, people still use the terms "psychopath" and "sociopath" to refer to ASPD. All the stigma around those words still applies to them.

I imagine similar would happen if we changed the name of NPD. It wouldn't matter, we'd still be called narcissists. And the term would still be ableist because it would still hurt us.

[honeypleasejustkillme]

the realization that i will never stop being the little kid that begs my mom to acknowledge how hard im trying… fuck i hate her so much.

[roomwithavoid]

the haters aren’t gonna like this one but i’m right!

[moonlit-dreamers]

im both sorry and also not for making this

[bpdcodone]

The nature of my wrath will be of no understanding to man (I have work Tomorrow)

[cluster-b-culture-is]

Suspected cluster b culture is showing symptoms that hurt relationships but not sure if you're showing "the right" symptoms

.

[npdvelvette]

idk if it’s hpd/npd but i fixate on random people i think could be equals & imagine us being really close only to see them talk about someone else who’s not me and crash over it. how am i not the most important person in your life and center of your attention (we’ve never spoken)

[daffythefox]

i feel like people say "abuse is always intentional and a choice" because it helps them believe that they haven't and will never abuse someone so long as they believe abuse is wrong.

Do you think every abuser woke up and thought "today I will abuse someone on purpose"? Probably some of them, but not all. Some abusers genuinely think that abuse is just how relationships work. Sometimes kids abuse other kids before they grow up and realize what they did was fucked.

If you decide that abuse means "person intentionally abusing another", what about people who were abused by people who weren't intentionally abusing them? Is that not real abuse?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be angry at your abuser. I think you should be angry at whoever you want to be angry at. But I think looking back at your actions and checking "was what I did okay? how did my actions impact the people I love?" is very important, especially for people with NPD, where having issues understanding how your actions impact others is a symptom.

Having NPD makes forming and maintaining healthy relationships way harder. I would know. It's also way harder to control emotional outbursts while you're having one (and emotional permanence issues mean once you stop having one, it's hard to imagine what it felt like).

Introspection about why you did the things you did, if/how you hurt someone you care about, trying to make it up to them, and minimizing the chances that it will happen again, are very important. In "npd abuse" spaces, this introspection is usually shut down by "well, if you think you might be a narcissist, you're not one". But I think this introspection can be very helpful, so long as the introspection doesn't begin and end with guilt/shame.

[crabussy]

I LOVE AND APPRECIATE MY FRIENDS WITH NPD 👊👊👊👊👊👊💥💥💥 OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[narcissistic-hottie]

just know that if you hide, it doesn’t go away.

that feeling of need, want. All you want to deny it, darling, will just make it worse.

you’ll stand open eyed as you get thrown into the ocean, no ship to pass by and save you from drowning in your misery.

water will fill your pretty lungs, colors in your vision.

and when your friends turn and run, I will be there to pull you up.

again. again. and again.

I will forever be your savior, sweetheart.

you know that.

you feel that.

you see that.

you will always be my one and only.

and I will forever be yours.

:)

[npd-polls]

are you with your (current) fp/ep/chp romantically?

yes

it's complicated

no, but i am crushing on them

no, i am dating someone else

no, i am otherwise single

no, i do not have a fp/ep/chp

no, i am aro/ace

show results

iirc the term fp can be used by pwnpd... if not just remove lol

Also anon, fp is for both npd and bpd

[narcissismarticles]

Like a naughty toddler, narcissists play up when they're not getting the attention they need. To a narcissist, negative attention is better than none.

[galaxynajma]

I was gonna say something about how in an ideal world Ness and Kaiser would spread awareness for NPD and BPD but then the more I thought about it … would they actually do that?