#ppl try to make it into a bad thing and its not what im saying its just like. there is an untouchable element to him being as elite as he i
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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I was afraid I’d lose him. So I got there late. And… as I entered, I saw him about to take pictures by himself. The first thing that I felt was… I wanted to hug him. No matter how bad I was to him, he’s still there for me. Every time that I’ve fallen or torn apart, he always runs up to me. He’ll come running and hug me. The same goes for this time, where he shows up. Am I happy? I’m really delighted. I really am. I’d like to thank Save for always being by my side till this very day.
DMD Friendship the Reality: It Takes Two EP. 5
#auausave#auau thanaphum#save worapong#dmd friendship the reality#dmd friendship the reality it takes two#b.txt#esmetracks#visualtaehyun#uservid#the way i dont wanna tag a lot of ppl bc this set is So Long and so For Me#making self indulgent gifs is kinda fun af guys like yes I would like to see this moment in 20 gifs!#waiter waiter! more auausave! (im literally the waiter and brother. dinner is served!)#ok time for me to ramble abt this whole moment in the following tags#auau really loves save so much… like it's so serious y'all what the fuck……#his facial journey fucking kills me every time (and i have lost track how much i've rewatched this)#the way he really thinks he lost save and then BOOM save enters and auau opens his mouth to say Something but he's SPEECHLESS.#auau tries to play up his cool guy act but ugh u r down bad <3 u get shy <3 u gaf <3#save really has him wrapped around his finger like it's just so so so crazy#you can see in the first few gifs how he really did look so sad/disappointed!! processing it in real time and trying to accept it!!#it's the way save enters too. beaming addictive smile... ok i really. they really got me bad. u ever get self aware suddenly. thats me rn#AGH BUT LIKE ALL HIS WORRIES R GONE BC SAVE IS HERE!!! SAVE CHOSE HIM!!!! AUAU WHO KEPT WORRYING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SHOW BC HE KEPT#GETTING SO CLOSE TO FIRST PLACE BUT STILL NOT GETTING IT... BUT AUAU!! SAVE CHOSE U AS FIRST IN HIS HEART!!!!!#and when he asks save if hes happy bc he knows they didnt spend as much time together as they wanted... but ofc theyre both happy to choose#each other 🥹🥹😭🥹 when i watched it i knew theyd end up together so ofc this wasnt a surprise. but it also felt like of course... theyre#already meant to be realhia in your sky. and they clearly get along so why wouldnt they choose each other. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED SEASON ONE#and the auausaveryujin trio thing going on couldve turned out like a tlelattefirstone moment. just cuz theyre supposed to act in a show#together doesnt mean theyll stick together... which i actually love bc its really based on who wants to act together as a koojin(g) waaaah#(but also lbr ryujin honestly wasnt even doing that much like he literally chose himself DKSFJHGD)#'i got a bit heartbroken' is so. it's so much. auau. do u hear urself. GOD#dmd friendship is just so awesome i love schrödinger's dating show so much
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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just got a dm abt one of my posts and y'all please don't try and show the hermits (or any minecraft youtuber or content creator for that matter) my posts, i'm uncomfortable with it and don't want any of my posts shown to a cc. if they stumble upon it naturally that's unfortunate but i can live with it since i do maintag a lot (something i REALLY need to stop doing tbh i already know i need to make a tagging system just for my blog that wont clog results) but going out of ur way to show a cc is entirely different and something i am not comfortable with.
no hate to the person at all but even if i wasn't a little silly and weird with it sometimes i wouldn't be comfortable with it, i want my blog to be a purely fandom only space with none of the creators involved <3 please respect this
#which is imo how a fandom space should be#i'm old fashioned and it breaks the fandom etiquette rules i stand by#i ship and stuff and absolutely NO cc needs to be subjected to that please and thank you even if it's a non-ship post#not saying hermits and others cant hang out and interact if they wish hell no but like....#if you as any person with a following willingly go into a fandom space you have to expect to see some things you find weird#doesn't even necessarily mean ship just stuff the cc finds weird :v idk im not phrasing this right but like#the rule with shipping around any sort of media has been to keep it away and not show the creators anything !!! and thats fallen out#of practice the past few years with ppl getting more and more comfortable demanding boundaries and personal info from creators#which isn't right imo bc its like you're trying to see how much you can get away with. u want a guide on how to interact and social skills#which is... huh??? just be polite and keep anything weird away from them like what we were doing#some folks nowadays need “permission” to ship stuff even from SHOWS and shit with no real people and its like wow... huh....#u need it to be canon?? u need everything told to u by the show?? wheres the imagination. the spirit.#the making of everything so far removed from what it once was#like that guy that played nick from heartstopper that had to be outed to play a gay guy. like#idk im so sick of the boundary fandom ppl in mcyt 'what if they saw and made it uncomfortable!! im going to show them!!!!'#you are making them MUCH more uncomfortable than i am by GOING INTO THEIR FACE AND DEMANDING THEY LOOK AT IT!!#AND DEMANDING BOUNDARIES N SHIT... CRAZY.... idk the hermits especially its weird to me bc clearly they understand fandom etiquette#and the dynamic im talking about. most of them understand that by going into fandom spaces they will see things they dont like#which is why a lot of them only like fanart and answer questions asked by fans. even on tumblr !!! where the weird ppl are!!!#they also all seem to understand they are playing characters (citing joel cleo and grian as examples) for their audiences#which is. smth the audience itself doesnt understand most of the time anymore. oh my god they all died in real life in hermitcraft season 8#idk hermitblr used to be a lot more okay with hermitshipping n then a bunch of ppl from other fandoms moved in and its all more negative#and makes me sad. idk...#i never meant for this blog to gain almost 500 followers i just wanted to make silly little ship posts and now im scared to#bc ive gotten hate and its.... bwugh.... tempted to remake blogs and make one thats very clearly just for me and a few weirdos#whatever i went off on a tangent in the tags as usual just pls dont show creators my posts even non-ship ones for this reason#jamies bad posts#talking in tags#serious posts#<- ig??? idk
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There is gonna be more than that coming from the poll, but whatever it is vote Kacchan/Deku for best hero. Idc who wins i just need them to be together again
if they just announced it today without saying anything before, I would probably immediately do it.
Right now im just bitter because of the hype -I thought it would at least slightly relate to the actual story (adaptations of other stories, extra content for the volume which once again may I remind everyone is extremely short, almost half what a manga volume usually looks which is a huge problem).
This disappointed me extremely, as its not even related to any content from the manga beyond the characters it uses. I get that many ppl will work on this, and that artist will get excited over being able to get the spotlight, some will be able to ask specific questions, and a character will get a statue and a movie.
Still extremely disappointed because of the "special project will be announced on the 5th *wink wink*".
I can't feel excitement over it as, in my mind, I lost something that felt better -more content related to the story. So at best this would be "oh cool I can try it", a feeling pretty similar to the other announcements -not my favorite thing in the world, but I wont reject it and try to see what comes out of it.
This isnt at best to me right now
#grrr talking#grrr being a hater#literally one of the special things was already announced -the fan book#bc im feeling negative I will say negative stuff here so beware#as far as I saw the fan book is a way of getting another product without paying artists#and days before we already knew it would happen#the statue thing feels like the art exhibition like okay thats cool still doesnt compare to more stories like at all#and I will never see any of that in person ever so why would I get extra happy about that?#I know this is an homage so we can feel like we are closer to their world and all but the statues have a bad connotation there#vote so we can see the protagonist and the deuteragonist in a movie#im sorry why do we need to massively vote so they get content? they are literally the most important characters#and what would even be the movie about? For all I know they could do whatever they wanted with the characters#a movie based on who the most popular character is... great. unless passionate ppl are involved in the project it doesnt sound like a good#a good story could come out of it#as its based on who is most popular among voters not an actual story the characters need#so unless 278 characters already have backstories and stuff planned that would get explored in a movie#i dont trust what they could do with this#and I dont want to give them my hope. They didnt need to make an announcement for the announcement#that only has made me feel super bitter#will I get over it later in the day? probably#I still want to express myself#the only thing in my mind about using this opportunity is still bitter lmao#just asking why didnt you make them hold hands#because I can try to justify it with my own theories#but that doesnt mean anything now does it
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raises my hand i actually like the concept of a shitty parent getting better i just hate when its used to be like "im good now so you should forgive me."
people grow and change and hurt people!!! and those hurt people deserve to move on without having to forgive their abuser!!!
#this is why i get defensive when ppl make all sorts of reasons why rhinedottir did what she did#if she killed dorian for being imperfect then whatever!! i hate her for that but you dont have to#not only does it go with her little mental break that she 100% had lets be honest#it also fits the “Perfectionist” thing that the sinners were trying so hard to achieve#it MAKES SENSE#even if its nuanced that doesnt make it ok!!! but at the same time i dont think shes 100% stuck to being a terrible person nor do i think++#shes always been a bad mother#i think she was a great mother before everything went downhill and honestly if she gained a sense of apathy towards her kids itd MAKE SENSE#ofc im not saying this is true. im just saying its possible and it doesnt take away from her as a character#elynas is just as reliable a source as albedo dare i say!!! he was not in a strange mindset bc he wasnt corrupt like durin#the way he described her was valid. so was albedos when he said she threatened to leave him.#if the trauma from the cataclysm is what caused everything#that makes sense#but its not an excuse and it doenst mean she had some extra hidden reason for what she did. sometimes people are bad people!!! clearly she+#did SOMETHING right with albedo because he has a sense of morality. but even so you can TELL shes not a good mom EVEN TO HIM#i dont know where im going with this im getting turned around UHM#TLDR; shes a terrible mother. and a pretty bad person. but that doesnt mean im saying shes evil without nuance#it just means what it sounds like#plenty of parents fucking SUCK without meaning to. whether she cared or not she was still a pretty bad mother. thats all im saying#im willing ot talk about her but im NOT willing to have people argue that any of her children deserved what they got.#not albedo and NOT dorian.#elynas to dorian to albedo is a great pipeline for her as a character. which is why i like to believe elynas came first;#alfisol and dorian came close to last#and then albedo came last long after the others#every character has nuance however i am allowed to dislike them despite that#tzu rambles#that said i understand how it comes off as biased when i only talk about her children but unfortunately her children are the only reason i+#know about her at all. thye are my favorites and my content centers around them </3
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People when fucked up media is actually Fucked Up and not just "haha silly little gremlin makes SEX JOKE?!?!🤯 so DEVIOUS..."


#mercy talks#this is about many things tbh#LIKE. idk it just makes me mad when ppl say they like darker or more depressing media and turn their nose up when its a character actually#being a bad person and doing bad things . like yeah thats what you came here for what did you expect#of course im not asking people to subject themselves to possibly upsetting/triggering media because its “”better“” or wtv#nor am i trying to police ppl for what they like#but idk.. just dont be surprised to find Fucked Up Thing in the Fucked Up Thing Store#its hard to verbalize myself but i hope u get it . i dont want tgis to sound like a braindead take Although I wouldn't be posting it if#i thought it did#some art is not meant to be pretty. some art isnt even meant to be art at all#because sometimes these things are not artistic or beautiful in any way#anyway mercy out!!
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im ngl this may mainly be a twitter thing as i dont really follow sh2 here on tumblr outside of like 2 blogs so potentially hot take incoming??? but aside from all the underserved angela hate that can be just outright insulting to victims (especially in regards to the dead horse that is her remake design and all the "memes" about that jfc) i also feel that some others even WITH good intentions are way too patronizing of her to the point it just becomes dehumanizing tbh, it is something i do not see mentioned NEARLY enough but like some of y'all fawn and talk about her and her trauma and treat her more like a sick kitten than an actual human being. like yeah while it goes without saying there are plenty of well-intentioned people out there, a lot of it just reads as rlly fake and performative tbh
#gu6chan's musings#silent hill#silent hill 2#angela orosco#like i wish i could say it better but some of the things are so.... thats a human person with Depth and Complexities you are talking about#im tired maybe i'll come back to this to say it better cause its not too well phrased but its been getting under my skin so bad lmao#like from the standpoint of 'this is a character i feel strongly towards' i GET it and its not my FAV thing to see but??? i get it#but when ppl try to argue against insulting someone's appearance in actually apalling ways with blorbo logic im SO......#save it for a less serious conversation PLS lmao if youre talking about how SA victims shouldn't be trashed for not looking 'pretty enough'#fight that battle; but also like.... is patronizing her and treating her like the lords specialest gift bc she experienced CSA#really what you wanna argue with. like maybe just respect her if you're going there. you can feel sympathy for someone while still#respecting them and their capabilities as a human being capable of deeper thought; you know??? ohhhh i wish i knew how to word it i hope#this makes sense askjdfhsdkjf
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tbh ppl are kindof mean
#maybe idk maybe its my fault but its likee every time i talk to ppl on tumblr ever they promise thier nice and different a hundred times but#like in one day thier like they get super mad at u if ur not there every day and thier likee#like u say u dont feel comfy sending pics of u bc of things thats happened and thier like ok i wouldnever ask u to bc we r friends#and like the next day they ask and ur likee i dont want to and they get really mad and ask again and againg and again and again#and then u feel bad and u do maybe some of what they want and they jsut want more or try to make u#and idk. i like to talk and make friends and talk about Stuff but i feel rlly bad when i say i dont wanna an ppl get mad#so im likee idk if i will wanna talk here anymore and i been avoiding it and stuff alot for like long times#but also like i like th people i talk to alot besides that and im not like like no fun or whvtever#and its like maybe im the one being mean rlly but idk like#like i dont like to make ppl sad esp when were like friends#just stresses me and makes me not wanna talk here#soo if i dont talk here again thats sorta why#ig#ill probbably still look at posts and stuff sometimes but idk for sure if i will talk so much
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this need for approval is a fucking disease it is absolutely mind boggling that i need feedback on what i say & post or my mind decides everyone takes a look at it & goes yep here goes this annoying freak again talking about his annoying freak things. & im not even like that with everyone. it literally does not fucking matter oh my goddd grow UP! im normal now. i understand my minds machinations. misto is nodding in approval at me
#i do not have this kind of insecurity with anyone in bitches. it is baffling that im letting it get such power on me elsewhere#i know its because of the difference in familiarity & like. knowing bitches much longer. & the fact we are from the same community#it is definitely a trust issue in this case but there isnt really a fix for it. except trying to get closer to everyone i guess?#but that would feel forced. i mean i love making friends & i love having close friends & i do not like feeling like this#but im also not gonna force friendships just so i can stop being insecure. its ridiculous conceptually#not that i have beef with anybody of course. just not sure anybody would care to get closer to me atm#considering what people have seen of me i would very much understand the opposite. not in a self conscious way#though that would be quite the opposite of how i personallt would react probably... my complexes#apologies for ruminating on my thought process in front of tha whole world to see but admittedly u did not have to read it.#i suppose ive gotten worries waap was mad at me in recent ish times but the thing w waap is that if theres an issue ill know#& like. waap & i are like two peas in a pod like they say... its presence makes me overall more comfortable & safe#damn. does it realise how important it is to me. emotional break im tearing up thinking about it fuckkk i love my friends#bahhhh okay anyway... i love my bitches. my god. ppl complain about that server's channel system#but its my beautiful maze where my beautiful friends are... & i can trust them so so much i have a channel for being a hater...#fukkkkckkck did i woke up sappy as fuck what is going ONNNN ahhhh i love mynfriedns collapses to my kenes#IS IT SO BAD TO WANT MORE FRIENDS TO LOVE JUST AS MUCH!!!! & TO TRUST AS MUCH!!
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re:tavares captain-ing not only do i agree buttttt it’s also interesting given no one ever really says this about (sorry, cats mention) sasha barkov who is famously soft spoken but also universally supported and loved by his team. they have a smaller pool of alternates (just matthew and ekblad) but they’ve talked so much about how he and mtkachuk really play to each others strengths and you just don’t have people saying barkov should give the c to tkachuk (or if you do it’s like 5 guys nobody is giving a platform). it’s just another leafs media “you’re not doing this the way i expect or want so you must not be very good”
i think it's a slightly different situation given tkachuk is still relatively new to the florida panthers than someone like auston is to the leafs, but i do think people really overstate what a captain Specifically does that others CAN'T, ya know? like they all really so complement each other and fill in the gaps others can't. they're different personalities, and your best player is not always your captain.... sometimes it's better that way to keep the heat off too. i'm not even arguing that auston's not a leader bc he DEFINITELY is, but also. he has his cliques and his favorites, and i just don't know if there's a real logical reason to strip a pretty good captain of his c because another player has grown into a more mature man, ya know? like as much as i see auston as the main character and franchise star of the team, i don't think him being captain would make this team any more successful than it's been, and ultimately that's what it comes down to for me.
#easks#like. all the things uncles hate.... the things they project onto mitch abt having preferences and being a diva. auston HAS some of that#they just refuse to see it bc he embodies a more masculine assertive Big Man who scores goals lol#and thats not even a bad thing.. he has every right to stick to his schedule and want things hIS way if he's putting up the seasons he is#but like u even see it in group stretches lol.. austons off doing his own thing prepping his own way#rarely part of the group#ppl try to make it into a bad thing and its not what im saying its just like. there is an untouchable element to him being as elite as he i#i dont think its bad at all. i just think having a sturdy captain who can get out there n give the canned answer n be unmoved by the media#and truly Never show emotion is like. solid. its not a problem lol
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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sry for posting so much im like introspective or something
#its bc i made myself sad in my journal again -_- wtvr.#also semi related not rly at all i guess but i do applogize for talking in third person sometimes i know its annoying it genuinely is just#bc like. i have a disconnect with me and with connor and everything and i do tend to thjnk of myself as a seperate entity than like. idk#it is me i know that but when i say Connor im referring to sort of the like. concept of him i guess. and sometimes what i say applies to me#but usually its just about him you know.#but i rly try not to there was a period of time last year where my mental sort of#like. the way i thought about myself was never i or me or we it was always it. like it is going to go clean the bathroom now. it needs to#eat. recently theyve started to be more like that again but i try not to post like that bc i dont want to seem weird or something. not that#theres anything wrong Another general rule of thumb whenever i say something is weird i mean it only for me and for the absurdly long list#of attributes i as connor am supposed to have and how im supposed to be percieved but that list isnt rly realistic for anybody else and#things that r evil when i do them r generally entirely neutral or positive when other ppl do them its judt umm. this is me being#selfcentered again i guess sorry. i always make it abt me in these ... my diary is even worse its always just abt me its very selfish. but#wtvr. not in a dismissive way it is bad i need to work on not being so selfcentered i just use whatever as like a. im done thinking about#this thought or discussing it. but it does come off as sort of dismissive which isnt what i mean .#but anyways. so when i am writing a post and i almost refer to myself as It instead of inor.me i usually edit it to just say connor or him#or whatever. but only sometimes sometimes i am just talking about connor.
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not sure who needs to hear this but i do not see myself as above anyone, like, at all. if something I posted makes you think I think I am you're probably misreading it or my intentions. I dont feel the need to compare myself and make myself feel like i'm above people, i'm just not really that kind of person. in fact, people make a point of constantly trying to make me feel below them on here so dont worry, you don't gotta help em'.
#literally. feel free to send me an ask on anon 'what i meant' by anything. literally ever. i will gladly elaborate.#id rather you get it from me than someones wild interpretation of what i'm saying anyways.#a lot of the times when im trying to put myself on a pedestal i'm playing a character...... which im realizing now isnt immediately#recognizable for people who dont anything about my art..... uhm. well. so. i have a character. thats a jackass. and is my self insert.#but he wasnt always my self insert. but he is now. but he has always been a jackass even when i wasnt nearly as much#and since im still in the beginning of my comic in many ways im still holding on to that asshole version bc thats what hes like in#the beginning but i do actually have the wisdom and lived experience to know hes a jackass and that i dont want him to be#like that and he was always supposed to grow out of it ever since i first conceived of this comic- so in a way i hold on to it as a method#acting kind of thing. on the other hand its just a really funny persona to me. but its only really funny if you know its in the context#of a persona and thats not actually how i feel about the thing like im not actually being that extreme about it prolly sdjhfdvshjsfhvd#its the kind of persona you love to act bc you love to make fun of and mock that kind of person yknow?#idk how to explain it. but. rest assured that im probably just in my persona mode and hes very sassy and snarky and an ass#🤷 what can ya do#i also maybe put it on at bad times and not realize it and for that im sorry >_>#THAT would be bc of the bpd. and thats not me grasping for sympathy at all im speaking purely on facts.#bpd tends to make ppl express 'incorrectly' at the wrong times and yeah etc etc
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