#post covid coping mechanisms

[the-untalented-photographer]

[thethingything]

we've had like 2 days of dealing with trauma shit that we are absolutely not equipped to deal with on top of being ill in a way that's giving us flashbacks to the first couple of times we had covid, so like, not having the best time. and I really need to catch up with some stuff (mostly journaling). but at the same time I also really wanna make a bunch of those lyric art thingies we like making sometimes

[fandom-girl-99]

Current Battles

Lately, from Friday to today, things have been getting bad. My anxiety has spiked because on Friday I had to confirm to the night school that I would go to our Erasmus exchange program. I was having 2nd and 3rd thoughts because I’m very anxious about traveling after the pandemic and because last time I was in Italy it was an experience!

Although, now I’m a bit less anxious about the trip, I did…

[epicbuddieficrecs]

Weekly Recap | December 25th-31st 2023

Happy New Year everyone! May 2024 be better than 2023, and may season 7 be good to us!!!

Complete

Battle Born by allisonRW96/ @homerforsure (NHL AU, Established Buddie | 11K | Teen): Buck comes down with appendicitis during the playoffs. He decides to play through it.

🔥 through tooth and claw (to where you are) by allisonRW96/ @homerforsure (Post-S6, Hurt Buck, Getting Together | 18K | Teen): With a reverent hush, Christopher said, “Whoa, it’s so close.” And it was almost as though Buck needed to have that obvious fact pointed out to him before the vague dread of animal instinct that had been pooling in his stomach could solidify into a real, actionable fear. It’s so close. Something’s wrong. AKA: The Rabid Coyote fic

we’ve got something permanent (i mean in the way we care) by callmenewbie/ @callmenewbie (PWP, Breeding Kink | 7K | Explicit): Buck has baby fever and it’s Eddie’s job to give him what he wants. Kind of.

Here Where We Should Be (Kiss Me, It’s Christmas) by allisonRW96/ @homerforsure (Christmas, Getting Together | 5K | General): It’s Christmas and Eddie decides he can’t possibly wait any longer to start kissing Buck.

well, I hate to be a bother, but it's you and there's no other by allisonRW96 / @homerforsure (Getting Together | 3K | Mature): Eddie starts dating again and learns a few things about himself. The most surprising one? He's actually ready this time. Now he just needs to get Buck on board.

in a little while (you will find some relief then) by allisonRW96 / @homerforsure (Hurt Buck | 10K | Teen): Buck gets a severe case of poison oak. He handles it about as well as you'd expect.

🔥 The Nearness of You by allisonRW96/ @homerforsure (Work Trip | 17K | Teen): Eddie reassured himself that he could do this. Other teams coming in were probably going to be staying at the same hotel in the same double rooms and it was very possible that none of them were going to be having sex. Or even lying awake at night thinking about it.

We Can't Succeed but We Love Trying by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/ @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels (PWP, Breeding Kink | 15K | Explicit): In which Eddie has the thought that if Buck's gonna "donate" his sperm anywhere, it should be with, well. Eddie.

all it took was a backwards baseball cap by honestlydarkprincess/ @honestlydarkprincess (PWP, Getting Together | 5K | Explicit) : Or, the one in which Eddie loses his shit at Buck wearing a backwards baseball cap. Seriously, can this man get more attractive? Is he trying to kill Eddie?

drawstrings by browney3dgirl6/ @hoodie-buck (PWP, Getting Together | 3K | Mature): Eddie helps Buck fix his drawstrings. How was he supposed to know it’d lead to him sitting in Bucks lap?

🔥 come with me, together, we can take the long way home (series) by allisonRW96/ @homerforsure (Canon compliant | 105K | T to M):

Get me through the night; Make me feel alright (Post-S3 Finale | 11K | Mature): After an emotionally-gutting reunion with Abby, Buck turns to old coping mechanisms. Eddie helps him find a better way. In Uncertain Times, The Uncertain Rules Apply (Pre-S4 | 22K | Teen): Covid comes to LA. Eddie copes. Or doesn't. Holding out for Something More (Stuck in Reverse) (Post S4E3/Lone Star Crossover | 26K | Teen): LA is coming out of lockdown and the world is returning to some sense of normalcy. But going back to the way things were hurts more than Buck expected. While his therapist challenges him to confront what he really wants, the team takes a trip to Austin... and El Paso. so far from being free (S4E4: 9-1-1 What's Your Grievance?, S4E5: Buck Begins | 46K | Teen): That’s Daniel. He was our brother. Buck doesn’t know what to do with the past tense. He never had a brother. He’s always had a brother. He gained one and lost one in the same breath and it feels impossible.

carry my heart home to you by allisonRW96/ @homerforsure (Getting Together | 4K | Teen): After his parents join him for a therapy session, Buck starts to learn that some people are never going to be able to give you what you need. And some people are.

if you say it with your hands by hammersmiths/ @henswilsons (S2 | 10K | Teen): Buck thinks it must be a habit he still hasn’t dropped from his days in the army, or maybe it comes with the territory of being a dad – but Eddie can nap pretty much anywhere. or, Eddie starts casually falling asleep against Buck, and Buck is very normal about it.

🔥 into thirty separate parts by hammersmiths/ @henswilsons (S6 | 12K | Teen): “Theoretically,” says Buck, as soon as Eddie picks up the phone, “your ex writes a book about you.” There is a pregnant pause. “…Right,” Eddie decides on, finally. or, Taylor’s book comes out.

close friends (that you lowkey want to fuck, but in a totally platonic way) by rowan_wood/ @transboybuckley (Getting Together | 2K | Teen): Instagram rolls out a new feature, and Buck doesn't totally understand how it works.

I'm still standing in the same place where you left me standing by trysetmeonfire/ @try-set-me-on-fire (POV Bobby, Hurt Eddie, Getting Together | 8K | Teen) Bobby deals with the ramifications of a misplaced confession

Keep My Heart Warm In Yours by callmenewbie/ @callmenewbie (Christmas, Post-S6, Getting Together | 18K | Mature): Christopher decides that he wants to go skiing, Buck makes it happen and the cabin at the foot of the mountains turns out to be quite the romantic backdrop for their little getaway.

Hiding the Christmas Present (of You and Me) by Princessfbi/ @princessfbi (Christmas | 7K | General): Buck thought he was going to spend Christmas alone. His family decides to correct that assumption.

If I Fall, Can You Pull Me Up? by Princessfbi/ @princessfbi (Hurt Buck, Established Buddie | 7K | General): Eddie could pick Buck from a million miles away. Buck’s entire being was like one bright light in an otherwise cloudy sky. So, he was really interested to know why some stranger was wearing his boyfriend’s turnout coat and pretending to be him.

Used to Think That Lovin' Meant a Painful Chase by Princessfbi/ @princessfbi (Getting Together | 4K | Teen): It’d been fine when Buck had Eddie’s dick in his mouth. It wasn’t often that Buck got to see Eddie come undone but he’d been treated to a private showing and the pride he had being the one to take Eddie there was indescribable. But then things got… weird. Or maybe, it was Buck that got weird? He still wasn’t really sure where it started, to be honest.

for all the words unspoken by Maira/ @carrierofthepaperclips (Work Trip, Getting Together | 5K | Teen): "Buck." Eddie had already dropped his bag and was standing next to the bed, hands on his hips. "We've slept in the same bed before. I'm pretty sure we'll manage to do the same in this one, it's humorously large. Don't!" He held up a hand as Buck opened his mouth. His lips twitched, though, so Buck took it as a win. ... or, the one with only one bed.

underneath the tree by devirnis/ @devirnis (PWP, BDSM | 2K | Explicit): Frowning to himself in concentration, Eddie carefully folds the wrapping paper around the corner of the box. He has no idea how his mother makes this look so easy, even after she walked him through it earlier on FaceTime. Under the tree, Eddie’s present whines plaintively.

WIP

🔥 Precious & Fragile Things by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Small Miracles AU, Angel Buck | 20K | 8/? | Teen): Buck is the Fallen Angel of Petty Temptation, who has been tasked with tempting human Eddie Diaz to sin and enjoy life, but just a little. He thinks the job will be easy - get in, get out, go back to Peru to continue messing around with eternity. But when Buck arrives in Los Angeles, he finds Eddie is harder to tempt than expected, and more compelling than Buck had hoped.

🔥 Things We're All Too Young to Know by Daisies_and_Briars/ @cal-daisies-and-briars (Canon, S1 through S6 | 102/? | 276K | Mature): This is a love story. Even if it doesn’t always look like it. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. A look back on Eddie and Buck's lives up to now, and what led them to each other, interpreted from the current 9-1-1 canon.

Love Ends. by rowan_wood (Exes to Lovers | 4/17 | 5K | Explicit): But what if it doesn't?

in my head by yourcatfishfriend/ @your-catfish-friend (Friends With Benefits | 8/9 | 30K | Explicit): Buck is confidently bisexual. Eddie isn't sure. Buck helps him figure it out.

Re-Read

🔥 Always, All Ways by ashavahishta/ @ashavahishta (A/B/O AU | 85K | Explicit): Buck’s the only omega in the 118. He’s got secrets, and walls a mile high. Eddie’s the alpha determined to knock them down.

[humansofnewyork]

“It was the end of a sixteen-year marriage. I’d just turned 50. I wasn’t young anymore. And I knew what it was like to be single in New York; I didn’t feel equipped to do it again. We started the divorce process a week before the pandemic hit. None of my usual coping mechanisms were available. I couldn’t get a drink with friends, or go to the gym, or go for a run. I was just doing my best to white knuckle through. I’m part of a Facebook Group called ‘Hoo’s Getting Fit,’ for Black UVA Alumni. Normally we post our fitness goals and achievements. But during COVID it became much more about emotional support. It was Bryon that had the idea to do a zoom happy hour after work. I knew him a little. We’d met once during college, at a frat party. We actually still have the photos from that night. His happy hour was well attended. And since we all had this shared college experience, things got intimate pretty quickly. People were sharing personal things: my parents are ill, my child is immunocompromised, my marriage is falling apart. Bryon sent me a personal message after I shared my story. He said: ‘I also know what that’s like, when you think you can love enough for the two of you.’ He was much further along in his divorce process, so our first few phone calls were a lot of me dumping my shit on him. He started checking in on me. We spoke every day, then multiple times a day. He was pretty open from the beginning: ‘I can’t believe anyone would ever leave you. I really want to take you to dinner.’ After nine months he drove up from DC. He’d always had a full beard in our video calls. But he showed up clean shaven. It was a warm summer night. The restaurants had just begun to reopen, so we ate outside at an Italian restaurant. I took a photo of the way he was looking at me. After dinner we took a walk through the West Village. It was a warm summer night. I was wearing a sun dress. He made me feel so feminine. He held my hand. He got me flowers. He walked on the outside of the sidewalk, which I hadn’t seen since my father. It all made me feel so beautiful, and desired, and young again. I felt courted. That’s it. I’d forgotten how that felt: to be courted.”

[indigochromatic]

Some Musings on Plurality and Mental Health (had a conversation about this earlier today, but we've also been thinking about it generally for a while, so hey, why not, post time) Something that frequently tends to get lost in the noise of discourse but is, imo, actually pretty relevant to system community spaces of all kinds, is the realization that many (I'd venture to say most) systems of any kind, origin, dx, whatever, often have concurrent struggles with mental health issues of one kind or another. Not every system or every person who experiences multiplicity in a significant way has a Textbook Case dissociative disorder (or even a diagnosable dissociative disorder at all, depending on your framework for thinking about what does and does not fall under the scope of the label). But also, that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't dealing with significant mental health challenges: - A lot of systems are queer in one way or another, and many have had to deal with the dangers and insecurity and heartbreak of being queer in our current society. - A lot of systems are autistic/dyslexic/have ADHD/have other kinds of processing differences that have affected many years of their lives, especially if they went through any kind of education system that tried to force their brains into something different, told them they were broken, and facilitated social isolation in one way or another. - A lot of systems, even those without dissociative disorders, have other mental health diagnoses. Depression, anxiety, personality disorders, schizophrenia and related disorders, etc. - A lot of people overall have undergone traumatic experiences in their lives at some point (or multiple points), which we all know have significant aftereffects on mental and emotional health. Also, there's multiple global crises that have been going on for a while, of which the COVID pandemic is just one example, which means a lot of new and exacerbated mental (and physical!) health issues for a lot of people in the last few years. So, what's the relevance of all this?

To us, it's yet another reminder that the idea of an easy division between "disordered system" and "non-disordered system" is frankly illusory. For anyone whose experiences of multiplicity/systemhood/plurality/etc are a significant part of their lives and functioning, that relevance will extend to their struggles with mental health, regardless of whether the mental health issues they're having fall under DID/OSDD or not. Control over switching, new or worsened in-system conflicts, system members being differently impacted by traumatic experiences, degree of dissociative disconnect vs ease of internal communication and memory sharing, system members experiencing and presenting symptoms of mental health issue differently, dysphoria over external-body-vs-internal-self mismatches, increased dissociation overall as a collective coping mechanism.... all of this is stuff that lies at the intersection of any mental health issues and systemhood, potentially, not just "DID/OSDD + its associated classical presentations and etiology". If a parogenic system fell into heavy depression over the quarantine, they might start experiencing more negative dissociative symptoms, and they'd also have to figure out how to navigate the mental health support system (such as it is) while plural. If someone with PTSD from trauma in adulthood decides to look into daemonism for comfort, and finds themselves more and more feeling like a system, they may or may not qualify for DID but they will still be contending with healing-from-trauma-while-a-system. If a system without memory barriers or other apparent issues gets long COVID and has their whole lives upended from new disability, their presentation may start looking more like a dissociative disorder. None of these examples are necessarily exactly the same as having DID or OSDD (...depending on how you define the scope of those diagnostic labels, which is a complicated question all of its own), but they're within a spectrum of related experiences that involve both mental health disorder and plurality in an intertwined way. Which, I guess, is a long way of saying: There is no specific diagnostic category or label that someone has to fit in order to be suffering and need support--and that includes systems as well as singlets.

[mrs-snape5984]

“Oh, breathe, just breathe…”

“'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable. And life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands and breathe, just breathe…” (“Breathe (2AM)” by Anna Nalick)

Sometimes, you just have to accept, that there are things, that can’t be changed or fixed anymore…at least not right now. I guess, I’m more and more coming to terms with this insight, considering the fact, that it just doesn’t make sense to wrap my head around the reason for my disease ME/CFS.

I can’t alter my previous decisions. For the past two years, I’ve blamed myself for catching Covid on an Open Air concert of my German favourite punk rock band “Die Ärzte”…especially viewed in the context that I avoided social gatherings since late 2019 because of my medicinal immune suppression. But when I got these tickets as a gift in 2022, my brain must have shut down and I started to belittle the potential risks of catching the virus by telling myself, that I would stand in the back of the crowd, beneath the open sky. This was also the first occasion, when I didn’t wear my mask…after enduring being bullied and mocked for wearing masks everywhere and rejecting every single invitation to parties and simple get-togethers.

Well…only one week later, my life- as I knew it before - came to an abrupt halt. I don’t want to go into detail about my current situation in this post. Whoever knows me and also my prior posts, is probably already fed up with my complaints about ME/CFS and its results for my life.

So, all I can do now, is to breathe. Deliberately slowly…breathing in…and breathing out. Calming my nerves…soothing my troubled mind with my fantasies of Severus and my absolutely self-inserted OC Jules…

I’ve commissioned someone new for this project. Someone different from all those lovely artists of Snapedom, who I regularly contacted for my usual coping mechanism of commissioning artworks of Sevy and Jules.

This time, I reached out to @pinklovecharm, an incredibly kind and understanding artist, who made me speechless with this drawing. I asked her to help my imagination of Severus and Jules, being on a walk in the forest, come to life.

I can’t tell you, how much I’m missing this simple activity of enjoying the autumn sunshine and some fresh air on a walk in the woods. In my fantasy, Severus would apparate us to a secluded path in the middle of the forest, wrapping his arm around my waist to support my steps. We wouldn’t talk much…but Severus would remind me of the importance of breathing…and he would exercise it with me…patiently waiting for me to eventually calm down. He’s my safe haven…my home.

My dear Sadie, you can’t imagine, how much you soothed my soul with your mesmerising art and your kind-heartedness. You really achieved to put me into my OC Jules…with all her emotions and physical attributes….and you even integrated my cane into your drawing! Normally, I don’t show my reference pictures publicly, but I’m too impressed by your dedication to the details of my appearance, that I can’t stop myself from presenting them here. Thank you for everything, you wonderful person! I hope, we’ll stay in touch and that I may commission you again.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy and Jules🖤

[floralfractals]

Hi everyone, I wanted to write a quick update to you guys :)

I made this blog in March of 2021. At the time, I followed my first math course on fractals and dynamics, and had just discovered a tool to make my own awesome fractals. This blog started out as a place to share the art I was making as a coping mechanism during covid, but as I quit making them after a few months, this blog died pretty quickly. In 2022, I decided to start posting regularly again (mostly just shitposts though), just so that the effort I put into this blog wouldn't go to waste.

Then, in the beginning of this year, I started writing my thesis. I posted one (1) shitpost about him (my well-known and popular son), and got 10s of thousands of notes. Every morning I would wake up to another crowd of people who loved the graphs, or were baffled by them, and I got showered in asks to elaborate on him.

Truth be told, 2023 has been a very heavy year for me. A lot of things happened in my personal life, and I lost a dear friend to suicide. It became so difficult for me to keep writing on my thesis, and the project that should have been finished in June this year has now been taking 4 months too many. My mental health has suffered greatly, I haven't been able to take any breaks, and life has just been generally difficult. I have spent nights not being able to sleep because I wanted to finish my bachelor's thesis so bad, but my supervisors would keep demanding more work, more edits, and more drafts. At some point, I even considered quitting my studies and finding a job.

The community has helped me to keep going. Mathematicians and non-mathematicians alike who sent me genuinely interested questions, made me laugh in the notes, created fanart (??? I'm still baffled by this but the people who did this are the coolest in the world) and generally made me feel for the first time that mathematics isn't a universally hated subject. On some days, the only reason I was able to keep going and the only thing keeping me from experiencing burn-out was the support I got through this blog.

Today, 10/12/2023, I turned in my thesis. Thank you so much for your support!

[alwaysmychoices]

A Little Update

Since Bridgerton got me back posting on here, I just wanted to give everyone an update for why I've been gone.

Good news - I graduated law school!

Bad news - now, I have to study for the bar exam, and I'm at the point where the motivation pep talks they give at the end of the lectures make me cry.

Worse news - the love of my life, my dog, Beau, had a medical emergency. We really don't know what happened, but long story short, he had an infection that created enough fluid in his eyes that his retina detached and he lost his eyesight. The infection responded well to treatment, so we're crossing our fingers that he regains some sight. But in the mean time, I dropped everything to stay closer to a specialist vet and have been a wreck for the last few weeks.

Better news - I've finally started writing again. I am currently writing the outline for the last chapter of with and without (oof, that was a hard sentence to write), and then I want to publish a few epilogues about their wedding and life after.

Writing this series has meant so much to me. I started it in college, and it helped me find my way back to writing after too much time away. With and Without was my coping mechanism during COVID. I'm not sure if I've ever shared this (and sorry for the trauma dump), but in 2021, I became extremely sick with COVID. I was part of a big outbreak in my community around that time, so I spent my last few months of college on bed rest, listening to doctors yell at each other in the hallway about whether they could fit me into the ICU and what would happen if they didn't. My recovery was infuriatingly slow, and it was coupled with so many life changes and the crazy decision to still start law school in the fall. With and Without was a place I could escape and process my emotions, and I am forever grateful for that.

I wish I could have finished it sooner when our community was bigger, but I also don't begrudge my time with this story. But it got me though school, and it's time that I thank these characters for their service with their very own happily ever afters.

So, thank you for sticking around and putting up with my long chapters, unplanned hiatuses, and unrelenting angst ❤️

[lightofraye]

What are your thoughts on The Winchesters/Prequelgate? Why do you think Jensen did what he did?

Hi anon.

Ah gods… that’s the hardest question ever.

I know the Jensen-antis would say arrogance, that he was jealous of Jared’s success, and… that’s their theories. I’m not going to go onto their pages and posts and argue with them. I respect their stances and opinions. So I hope they’ll respect mine as I write mine.

I think something in him broke upon learning Supernatural was ending in Season 15. According to some industry sources, Jared knew he wanted it to end eventually. He was tired, done, feeling burnt out on Supernatural. It’s why he began planning and plotting Walker, even going as far as thinking of Jensen as Walker while Jared handled Executive Producer responsibilities. I don’t know why Jensen didn’t get the role—no, Jared didn’t push it away from him—but during the planning of Walker, Jared felt his interest renewed in acting. He was loving what he was turning over in his head. Eventually, he got the role himself as well as being Executive Producer.

Anyway.

The boys knew Supernatural was ending around filming of Season 13, supposedly. Then the COVID lockdown during Season 15 forced a lot of things to change. Jensen was essentially stuck with his abuser and the stress of that was hard. They didn’t know how long they were going to be in lockdown, kept from doing anything for months.

This is, again, speculation.

I think being stuck with Danneel for a long time… broke Jensen. It was originally her idea, near as I could tell. She saw a money grab, a way to get back at the Padaleckis (she was always competitive, especially toward Genevieve). Manipulated Jensen, especially as she knew as he was struggling to let go of Dean.

Jensen largely took on the persona of Dean as a way of coping with conventions. I think he even said that at one point. Jensen is a very shy person, always struggled with the attention he got with his fame. Even someone I reblogged a while back noted a change in Jensen’s personality in the first few seasons of Supernatural at conventions. Being Dean was Jensen’s coping mechanism. Losing Dean was something hard for him.

I think Danneel took advantage of that. She thought it’d be easy to do Supernatural redux in The Winchesters. Of course, as we all know now… it is not. That failure combined with the backlash from fans, upsetting Jared, etc, was very, very hard for him.

We’re all prideful people. It’s not always easy to own up to making a mistake, even one as grave as that. I think Jensen gave up on Chaos Machine Productions after that, shoved it all to Danneel as a way of making her look ‘good’. Even though after what he had done to Jared caused the industry to give him a side-eye and chances of any projects happening are slim to none.

Not to mention he didn’t really have roles or offers ready for him after Supernatural ended. A lot of them were guest roles (though Big Sky seemed to have turned into a regular role, but alas, it didn’t last long). Soldier Boy was originally a guest role. Tracker was later. For a while, Jensen was unemployed and that had to have eaten away at him.

We all have failures. We all make mistakes, sometimes big ones. Sometimes mental and external pressures make us do things we normally wouldn’t.

Perhaps this is a bit rose-colored glasses. That I’m ignoring or overlooking some arrogant behavior he’s pulled in the past, some toxic machismo behavior. I’m not. I know he’s not perfect, that he’s flawed.

This is just how I would like to view what happened there, with The Winchesters/Prequelgate.

I hope, someday, the boys will be okay again.

[kaladinpdfs]

the coherent version of that last post is that moash will demand one hundred percent freedom (from power structures. from responsibility towards other people. from his own feelings) but the moment he gets his idea of what that is* he decides that all of humanity (including him) doesn’t deserve it and sells his soul to a god. moash says actually if people couldn’t make choices then i would stop fucking up bad enough to lose everything! moash thinks equality is when everyone is under someone else’s control. guy who is unchained because the god he’s chained to said so. this is you giving your chains strings to something. to be clear this is not a diss. this is your brain on coping mechanisms for trauma and existing in an oppressive society. this post isn’t even about that though it’s about the incongruence of moash “i don’t want life and death to be dictated by people in power” stormlightarchives seeing an authority figure and being like FUCK that’s the good one i should swear my entire life to. insert szeth comparison. i think i hauve covid.

*lol. he is wrong

[naegajeiljalnaga]

why do you smoke as a Pisces moon? haha... (sweating because I might be also one)

If you think you'll develop smoking as a habit as a possible pisces moon, I'll tell you right now... you will :/

I'm just kidding, I smoke weed because I prefer a weed high over a nicotine rush. And that's on *ESCAPISM*.

I have read a lot on how putting the moon, being a planet dealing something as abstract as our emotions, in an energy as idealistic as pisces can make a very happy-go-lucky person prone to being depressed by the reality of the world and their life, especially if the moon is aspected badly. Pisces energy really does soak up the energy of the world around them and when you don't have an outlet of your own to deal with it, the best thing to distract from reality is *unhealthy coping mechanisms*. This isn't for everyone, though. There are people with Pisces placements that aren't like this due to their placements or even how they were raised (lmk when you find those people). I never really related to having a mother who dealt with substance abuse, but I've always been the day dreamer, the artist who escapes through her art but my mom took art away from me and forced me to be an academic, and it's because she knows that I have a lot of academic energy. 2020, with covid, had me realising I was very distracted with school and was forced with the reality of my debilitating mental health. In 2021, I was supposed to go to university but I ended up taking a gap year to mentally recover and then was forced to go to uni the following year even though I really did not feel that I actually dealt with any issues in my gap year so by the time I got to uni in 2022, I was so depressed by having to be in university I almost developed alcoholism (me and my bestie too and she's a pisces moon dealing with depression). I became more of a smoker because the alcohol thing was getting old.

At the end of the day, we all make our own choices to do or not do something. Your form of escapism may be something different, like TV, music, or movies. I had the choice not to smoke, and I chose to smoke. I make the conscious decision to smoke or not smoke when I get the opportunity to. It's all up to you, so you can stop sweating. There are celebrities like Michelle Obama and Kim Kardashian who have a Pisces moon that I don't think are people who struggle with any substance abuse, while there are celebs like Kendrick Lamar who even wrote a song about alcohol abuse.

I didn't wanna go into my understanding of Pisces energy because it would make the post even longer than it already is, however I'm more than willing to discuss what I know about Pisces if you're interested, I think it'll also ease your mind in how Pisces moon energy will manifest for you.

[hopusthebrainlessfloof]

Hi folks! Sorry we haven't been posting too much art (specifically Koopas, which is why most of you follow us). I feel that... Well, we don't owe an explanation, but we'd like to give one anyways.

This conversation is going to mention disturbing topics, including pedophilia, grooming, SA, and cult-like association. If you are easily triggered by any of these, we suggest you do not read.

For the sake of everyone's privacy, we won't name any of the abusers and accusers. Don't ask us for their contact info. This is not to slander their name, it is to explain what is going on in our life.

As you all may know, we originally got "big" on our blog by posting Mario, specifically Broodal, content. We have always loved the Broodals. We likely always will. Our love for the Broodals eventually led us to look more into what their concept was based on: The Koopalings. We always loved the Koopa Kids from The Adventures of Super Mario Bros 3, but in specifically 2022, we fell hard for these goobers. Special intrest level hard. Our blog turned to focus more on a combination of Koopalings and Broodals, and that's what got us into making fandom friends and participating in art collabs. It was fun, espcially seeing how much creativity everyone puts into their lore for their blogs from their own personal headcanons.

One of (if not the biggest) members of this Koopa ask blog community is @ thekoopalingsandstuff. The amount of thought she puts into her lore is MAGNIFICENT, and the way she impacts mood with her writing is phenomenal. If she wants you to dislike a character, she will make that character as UNLOVABLE as possible. If she hasn't considered a career in writing or storytelling, I honestly think she should. The reason why I bring her up is because in her AU, Dieter was a character that was generally abusive towards Spewart. Deadnaming and purposely misgendering him, hitting him if he didn't comply with something, lovebombing and isolating him... A lot of horrible stuff. In this major arc, named "Dieter's Demise", at the climax, Dieter raped Spewart and was shortly killed by Ludwig. Both Spewart and Ludwig have been sensitive to the incident and have barely (if at all) spoken up about it. We (as we usually do) expressed how much we loved the arc. The writing was great, it made us hate Dieter with a burning passion. It made our heart break to see Spewart's virginity stolen. It shocked us to see, if anyone, Ludwig shed blood in an attempt to save his closest friend. Our blog doesn't create arcs as complex and thought out as arcs like Dieter's Demise. It truly felt like reading a masterpiece. We'll bring up the relevancy of Dieter's Demise later on.

We and our partner first met on Discord in the beginning of 2021, when covid was still very dangerous to everyone, and quarentine was mandated regardless if you were positive with the virus. We met through a person we knew and... We instantly fell in love. On the day before Valentine's day, we proposed to her via OwObot and asked if she would be our partner. She said yes. We were 13 and 15 at the time. We have since been together, for three and a half years at this point. She is 17 and we are 19. We are two years apart.

When creating a storyline for our blog, we decided to add some dating drama between Ludwig and Spewart. At the time, Spewart was SAing and manipulating Rango, which we added to the story (as we do with our other stories where characters get SAd) as a coping mechanism for things that had happened to us. Our stories now contain significantly less SA, but that's not the part I want to focus on. Another character (one of KAS' Broodals perhaps, because this was during a collab) informed Ludwig of how sick Spewart really was, and Ludwig called it off. Ludwig was 17, and Spewart was 19. You might think that of anything we did on our blog, it would be the abuse of Rango that would piss people off. Well, it wasn't.

In June of this year, we were invited to join a project. (By the project manager's wishes, I'm not going to say what it is or speak much on it. All that matters in this conversation is that we're part of the project.) Everything was fine and dandy until the project manager asked if they could ask some questions that were brought up to them by people of concern. We were confused, because we aren't in any drama. (Or weren't as far as we knew.) The points of concern brought up were 1) The fact that we liked KAS' arc in which Spewart got raped. Completely ignoring the storytelling or lead up, ignoring why the creator chose to write such an event into the arc. We... were asked if we liked it, because he got raped. The other question of concern was why Ludwig (17) was dating Spewart (19), since one was a minor and the other was an adult.

I never thought we had to ever say this, but we are NOT pedophiles or pedo sympathisers. We are not rapist sympathisers. Though not the same as rape, we were groomed three times and assaulted sexually once between the ages of 13-16. We vowed to, if anything, NEVER DO WHAT OUR ABUSERS DID. We were exploited sexually. We were brought into a server full of ADULTS OVER 20 (we were 16 for context) whom had brainwashed us into thinking we were being abused by our mother, and who at MULTIPLE TIMES mentioned that they "couldn't wait until we were old enough to join the 18+ channels". To even be ACCUSED of being pedophilic, or liking content due to someone getting raped, shed a massive tear between us and people that we thought were nice, friendly, charismatic. Friends. We thought they were friends.

This has left a very sour taste in our mouth. We tried to make plans to rebrand our blog, but honestly? We feel that our trust has been broken. It hurt us, a lot. We've recently been getting into more That's Not My Neighbor since March, and... It doesn't seem like we'll be getting out of it soon. It's comforting to us, how fun the community is and how many ideas have been made to fill in holes where the creator hasn't gotten to patch up quite yet. The canon lore is mysterious, and leaves you hungry for more. And it seems like, especially after what has happened, work and our personal life, our blog focus is shifting on more TNMN. And at this point, if that's the case, so be it.

We'll still lurk in the Koopaling community. We won't stop supporting our favourite artists just because of what happened to us. But I sincerely don't see us resuming our Koopaling/Broodal/Koopa Kid asks anymore.

Thank you for reading. [LUDVIGGY] & [RENGO]

[milesmentis]

🍓🛼

how did you get into writing fanfiction?

So I've written fanworks here and there over the last decade, but until I got obsessed with Dragon Age it wasn't something I did regularly or devoted much time/thought to. Then Covid hit and DAO turned into my primary coping mechanism. It really was perfect catnip for me because it had the exact right mix of "gaps to fill in" and "tons of fixed boundaries". Plus, the fact that it's so choice driven (and that the choices I make are ... apparently ... uncommon) gave me a really strong outline to start with and themes that I could really dig into that the games hit with a much broader brush.

(Additionally, the thing that's kept me going all this time is definitely my beloved: FusionVerse is a love letter to her, specifically, and fixating on and continually refining it together is what gave us the tools and courage to finally confess our feelings. That's really the secret ... it's all an act of love)

describe your latest wip with five emojis

I have *so many* wips it is a genuine problem. The most recent one I worked on is not much more than a bunch of bullet points ... so I'll go with the one that I am closest to finishing (and most want to post)

📃😤⚔️🫴🐍

[Questions here]

[something-pithy]

Notes and an Update: Astarion, Tav, and Trauma in Stories

Pictured above: actual footage of trauma response from Astarion (j/k! kinda!) to catch your eye :D

Hey glittercats and cosmic kittens!

So I've definitely been neglecting the updates here, which I'm going to try to do better with.

We're up to Chapter 11 on this bad boy, and I've adjusted the anticipated chapter count to 30 (but honestly it's probably still all lies because I have absolutely no sense of how much writing each point on my outline ends up being loool).

I have a DOPE beta who's fucking amazing both in terms of conventions and idea partnership and I'm telling you right now, this story is so much better for having their hands and eyes on it.

SOME CONTENT WARNING STUFF RE: THIS CHAPTER:

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

.

.

.

MORE DETAILS ON THIS -- SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So hopefully that's enough room for people who don't want to be spoiled to escape!

So I'm going to copy/paste the end note on the story, and expand on it a little bit.

So, although Tav is a "good drunk," as Frank Gallagher might put it, she is 1000% engaging in pretty serious substance abuse, or to be more specific in this chapter, alcohol use disorder. I'm not going to go into the way this story is going to approach mental and behavioral health disorders and trauma; hopefully it will speak for itself. Suffice it to say substance abuse and trauma are not the central subject of this story, but also, Astarion and Tav as they exist in this little pocket dimension of the BG3 universe have been impacted by the trauma they've each experienced both together and as individuals. In general, the impact of trauma can look and feel a lot of ways. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes it's rage-inducing - but let's be honest, sometimes that shit is funny, too, because humor is such an incredible survival tactic / coping mechanism. Even if sometimes we're laughing at shit that shouldn't be funny. (Maybe especially then.) This story isn't going to be an after-school special or a PSA. It's a story about people, and sometimes people are fucked up (literally and figuratively). Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. If this has activated you, or you have earnest questions or concerns about what's going on in this story / with these characters, or you just want to shoot the shit, hit me up on my tumblr. There might be more notes there on this eventually, but for now, this chapter actually took a lot out of me and I'm still out here with these perpetual COVID symptoms, so... lol NOT TONIGHT. As always, thank y'all for reading, kudosing, and commenting.

OK, so I may have lied about the no notes part... but honestly, in re-reading that note, I think it kind of gets to the point.

But ALSO...

I've been a geek on the internet for a long, long time. I've engaged with different fan-based writing and roleplaying communities (tabletop, chat-based, forum-based, butt-based -- EVERYTHING) for pretty much the entire time.

"The Tragic Backstory" seems like it's been A Whole Thing since people started creating characters whether for roleplay or stories.

I think times have changed somewhat, but back in the day I ran in circles where a lot of thoughts about writing, creating characters, roleplay, etc. coexisted somewhat peacefully, but an old chestnut that consistently (maybe without fail) turned up in any conversation that involved Writers of Quality was a contingent of folks who had deep disdain for The Tragic Backstory.

I'm talkin' some deep, scathing, elitist shit, my beautiful people.

And I'm not gonna lie to you! This is approximately ten thousand years ago (no but seriously, decades), and honestly, I was up in those conversations, too, throwing around my disdain, assured by my fellow elitists that even though I frequently employed some form of Tragic Backstory, it was OK when I did it because it was good.

I mean in retrospect, it's kinda bullshit. There's always gonna somebody who's gonna think your shit's good, and there's also always gonna be somebody who thinks they're a Better Writer Than You who's gonna think your shit is... well, shit.

Not gonna lie, I still have very strong and particular preferences when it comes to the fic I read in general, and that includes backstory.

But over time, I got progressively less insecure (not just about my writing, but in general) and consequently less concerned with judging writing that's not my flavor as "bad" or "shitty" or "juvenile" (looool seriously, I was a dick) and more concerned with finding and creating writing that is my flavor.

However, and I don't think I'm going to apologize for it, some dickish tendencies linger in my soul. I'm going to try and frame these thoughts in terms of what compels me in a story I'm reading and what I do (or try to do) in my own writing.

This is a very long way of saying if something I say (or have already said) makes you feel like I'm coming for your neck, please know that I'm not.

My thoughts and/or opinions may cause you or someone you love to feel Some Type of Way. That is not my intention. I have no desire to:

Yuck anyone's yum

Contribute to or activate the crippling self-doubt that plagues almost every creative I've ever met

Be a dick.

Having said all that, I do have Thoughts on This Matter.

People write for a lot of reasons, but I'm fairly convinced that nobody's doing it with any level of purity. There are tons of incredible, beautiful, moving stories that feature a whole-ass Self-Insert, maybe even the dreaded Mary Sue.

(lol lookin' at you Dante's Inferno, Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless others lol)

People write to explore topics and themes that interest them, that compel them, that they see recurring in the world around them and/or their own lives.

One of those things is trauma.

In my writing, I approach trauma, disordered behaviors, dysfunction, dysregulated emotions, etc. (topics both of great interest to me and, not coincidentally, ones with which I have a great deal of personal experience) from a place of wanting fervently to tell the truth.

And I'm pretty good writing some things that feel true.

But I know that in some ways, I've shied away from harder truths; from using my writing and the characters I create not only as reflections of what I see in the world, but as accurate (rather than idealized) reflections of myself.

Because of this, while I've explored redemption arcs in roleplaying games (where being cheesy or facile or juvenile or fulfilling personal fantasies felt much safer than on a page), I've skirted neatly around it, I think, in my writing (for the most part). Because I absolutely was the girl who wanted to "save" or "fix" the wounded (and emotionally unavailable, and/or abusive, and/or toxic) lover. I wanted stories about it. I wanted to roll around in that narrative, bathe in it, eat it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

All while occupying the role/perspective of The Good One / The Good Girl whether in a game or in a story I was consuming.

But it's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. Not for me, anyway.

My admiration, respect, regard, and all the other good words for the writing and acting in Baldur's Gate 3 cannot be overstated. Each of the "origin" characters (and honestly, any character "Tav" has the opportunity to even have a conversation with, much less spend a significant amount of time with) is thoughtfully and truthfully written. I see this more in some than others, but that depth and breadth of understanding about human beings -- sorry, sentient beings -- shows up all over the place and honestly I almost can't stand how much I love it.

I'm not going to say that there's no character I feel this as deeply with as Astarion, but... idk, sometimes.

But there's no need to quantify this. Astarion is one of a number of characters from the game that I'm low-key obsessed with.

As such, when I decided to take on the story outcome in which, in my opinion, he throws all the growth, all the processing, all the truth and reconciliation I saw him moving toward in the game into a fucking woodchipper, I did not want it to be easy.

I get wanting it to be easy, and there are delicious, delicious fics out there that go this route. I think anybody who writes Ascendant Astarion at least flirts with it.

And it's not a binary; it's not either, "OMG this is completely uncomplicated, I love you I'm your spawn and it's just like if you hadn't ascended except your SUPER EXTRA POWERFUL AND SEXY AND HOT AND WHOOPS THERE GO MY PANTIES" (which, tbh... lool I'm not mad at) or "ASTARION IS IRREDEEMABLE LET ME WRITE OF HIS TRAGIC DEMISE AND TAV'S TRAGIC WITNESS TO IT / ENGINEERING OF IT." Which I'm ALSO not mad at, because THOSE THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

But while I'm subscribed to some stories that follow those paths or ones like them, and when I get that notification it's time to STOP THE PRESSES bc mama needs to READ, for me the challenge of this is if I'm going to continue Astarion and Tav's love story (or rekindle it lol), I want to honor the four years of intense character work Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney and honestly the whole goddamn BG3 team from soup to nuts have done by considering "What would really happen here" as brutally as possible.

Komo, my incredible thought partner-cum-beta, can tell you about the pages of back and forth between us about "fml, how can we make this story work and maintain fidelity to the integrity* of these characters???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*not personal integrity -- meta shit. The integrity of their arcs, development, personalities, histories, traumas, etc.

SO. Back to trauma.

I said in my end note for chapter 11 that this story is not an after-school special (which looool probably at least some of you are like wtf are you talking about my dude and I'm like looooool omg life before kids were a whole target demographic unto themselves - kind of lol) or a PSA.

Which alludes to the fact that YES, I want to tell the truth about the ugliness of this relationship and the individuals in it with nuance and empathy and sensitivity; that I want to write about the pain and harm and longing and ache and all of it in ways that are neither hyperbolic nor diminishing.

But also, look, my darling motherfuckers, my comrades in fuckery, whoever's made it this far into this rambling monster of a -- whatever the fuck this is lool -- PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAUMA ALSO HAVE FUN.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS THAT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO THEMSELVES AND/OR OTHERS.

I don't think I've sufficiently unpacked this part to dig down much deeper into it, but what I will say is that this is not going to be a passion play about Poor Tav or Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay? or anything else.

What this is going to be (or at least, what I passionately want it to be) is -- framed with a delicious little fake-dating muffin of an emotional MacGuffin -- a portrait of some people in all (or lordt jebus please let me achieve at least MOST) of their complexity.

ALL OF IT.

Lordt Baby Jebus, Allah, Milal, Great Spaghetti Monster, ANYBODY

(not Lolth lol)

hear my prayer!

Aight, that's all I've got for today. <3

If you made it this far, PM me and tell me something you want to see in the story! I'll make you a treat.

And if it don't fit in the story, I might be able to make a li'l drabble happen.

COMING SOON to Writing Notes Storytime:

Identity in this story and in stories in general

The Good, the Bad, and the Neutral: Alignment and Astarion (and some other ppl, too!) in BG3, DnD, and This Story lol

Stuff I'm forgetting bc I'm STILL not over this never-ending COVID fuckery

[fasterthanmydemons]

{out of breath} Alright folks, I know I'm getting on here late tonight, but it has not been a good day. I'll put some updates below a cut, but there's just a lot going on in my life right now that's not only taking away from time I have to write, but it's also leaving me without a lot of creativity or ability to concentrate. I would probably skip tonight if I could, because I'm exhausted and my focus is not really there to write, but I skipped last week, and will need to skip next week as well. So... I am here to do what I can tonight, but I apologize if it's a bit light. I'm doing the best I can, honestly. The next few weeks are going to be rough, but then I'm hoping maybe I can turn a corner and things will get better. Thank you for understanding, I know I've been absent a lot lately in recent months, but you've all been so supportive. Things will get better, I'm just not exactly sure when. <3

Okay so... for those who want to know what's going on... I found out this morning that I will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was anxiety-producing enough because I've never had surgery before in my life (unless you count wisdom teeth extraction), and people in my family rend to react poorly and dangerously to anesthesia. So I'm very anxious about this, and I've got a consultation with a surgeon next Monday to probably schedule a date to have this done in the near future.

In the meantime, I'm in a decent amount of pain, and I'm already on a restrictive diet that will likely become even more restrictive after surgery. I've been a comfort eater/baker all my life, that's my main coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, so this has been very damaging to my mental health to have my one go-to taken away.

While that was going on today, in the midst of calling doctors and making appointments and such, I've been working on a promotion package that's due the end of the week. I didn't want to apply for promotion because I don't really think I deserve it, but I also just want to keep things status quo. I'm fine with my job the way it is, and I don't need a promotion. But I've been informed that not applying may be one of the factors contributing to me potentially losing my job later this year, because I won't "seem ambitious enough." I'm just like... of course I'm not ambitious, I'm taking care of my grandmother, I've got health issues, I've got focus and memory issues post-Covid, yeah I just want things to stay the way they are. But I may lose my job if I don't show interest in advancement. So I've had to quickly write and gather everything to apply by Friday because I wasn't planning on doing it.

Then I found out today that the person I have to send all my promotion materials to, and one of two people who will be making the decision on whether or not I get promoted AND whether I keep my job going forward... is a woman who 1) stole my research in 2015 and rendered me unable to publish my own work because she stole it and published it first, and 2) got me laid off from my dream job in 2017 because she lied behind my back to the company we were conducting research for that I was no longer interested in the project, so that she could have all the project funding only for her lab. So I'm just like.... I am... so screwed. *sigh* My hope for keeping my job plummeted after that. That was my second panic attack of the day.

My third... was when I went out to get the mail, only to find out I've been summoned for jury duty. I mean seriously, life? Really? What the actual flippin' pancake?! I was like how am I going to manage this promotion application process, surgery, recovery, AND my students have their midterm this Friday and a forum assignment I have to grade the same day as my surgery consultation as well (the reason I have to skip this blog next week)... and then also add jury duty. After I calmed down, I went on the website and tried to do a medical deferral until the summer, when I would be between classes and hopefully over some of my health issues... which was thankfully accepted. So that at least has been resolved for the time being.

After that, I just... crashed so hard. I slept from 7PM to 11:30PM because the stress just hit hard. After dealing with some laundry that had been backing up, I am just now getting on here at 3AM, heh. So. That's. What's been going on. It's been... ALot™.

Once I have my surgery date, I'll know better when I have to go on hiatus for a bit, because I'll be in the hospital for a couple days with limited web access and then I'll be recovering at home, so I'm not sure how all of that is going to go. As soon as I know more, I'll let everyone know so that you'll know when I'll be gone and when I'm coming back.

Again, thank you for understanding. I'll be okay, it's just a seriously bad patch of life right now. This too shall pass, I know. I just wish it would hurry up, heh.