#evil astarion

[preciouslittle-bhaalbabe]

I can fix him?? No no, I'm making him so, so much worse.

[juubli]

Painting this one next!

My roughs for what imagine it would be like if Ascendant Astarion were to host a ball. 🙄

[iamjucie]

Pet (18+) pt. 4 of 4

Ascended Astarion x f!reader

Chapter Four: Pink

I suggest reading the first three of the series before this, there is a bit of a plot in the porn. Just a little.

Summary: Master Astarion takes away your hurt and allows you to enjoy the sweet nothing of enthrallment.

WARNINGS: Smut, Extremely dubious consent, Mind control/manipulation, Orgasm control, Abusive relationship, Stockholm Syndrome, Physical Abuse

I do not say this lightly- Astarion is evil in this. This is an extremely toxic relationship. You have been warned!

(AO3 Link)

When he goes to lift your hips from him, you flinch and groan. So overwhelmed with sensitivity from both of your earth shattering orgasms.

He notices this and tuts, “Darling, I do expect you know I am not finished with you yet. Are you feeling…” he moves his hand down, pushing two fingers inside and allowing his wrist to graze your clit, drawing a scream from your lips. “...Sensitive?”

“Y-yes master I- Ah” he begins to massage inside you while you talk to him. He loves to see you struggle. “I-I don't think I can manage any more master… I-It- it hurts.”

“My poor child,” he coos while still massaging winces and hisses from your lips. “What are we meant to do about that, hm?”

You are struggling to think through the assault on your senses, rendering your brain struggling to focus on anything the pain he is bringing onto you “I-I don’t know…” you stutter pathetically, “C-can you make it stop hurting? Maybe I- You- M-Make it feel good.”

Astarion stops in his conquest to destroy your senses and places a hand on his cheek, feigning surprise. “Darling, are you asking me to compel you to enjoy it?”

“Y-yes. No, I-I don’t know. I only want to make you feel good, that is my purpose. Would that be bad? ” you inquired, genuinely confused.

“Absolutely not my dearest!” he chuckles as he reaches to caress your cheeks, as if you were a child embarrassed that she said something wrong. “I would be happy to oblige.”

You settle yourself into position ready for your master to take the wheel. Gods, you loved when he did this. You love having him in your mind, controlling your every move, your every reaction. When thinking is all you ever do, it’s blissful to not have a thought in your head.

The feeling of him entering your mind is akin to laying in a fresh set of silk sheets. Fog drapes over your thoughts and everything seems far away. Wrapping your brain in a warm, silky coating. You are no longer in your body, you are elsewhere. Here, everything is quiet.

Everything except him, and he is all that matters.

“Okay, Pet.” you hear his voice ring in your mind amidst the fog. You tilt your head inquisitively, awaiting your command. You can’t wait, you are so very eager to serve. “All I want you to do is feel good for me. Can you do that? Nod if you can do that.”

You nod. 

The fog suddenly lifts slightly and you are back in your body with Astarion. Everything has a slight tint of pink to it, but that’s ok. Pink is a very good color. It makes you feel very good.

“Sigh, Look at what has become of you dear.” he reaches his hand to caress your cheek. “So utterly pathetic.”

You smile at him, the fog makes words jumble in your mind but you can hear your master’s voice. Master’s voice is so beautiful. You reach your hand to grip his on your face, nuzzling your face into it. It makes you feel very good.

He flips you onto your back, your giddiness is palpable. You giggle as he caresses you. Everything tickles a little, it feels good.

“Gods, you’re giggling like a gods-damned child.” he scoffs, “You’re a shell of the powerful woman you once were. Do you know why, love?”

You don’t quite understand what he’s saying to you but you get the impression he is expecting a response. You tilt your head with an inquisitive expression, replaying what he said to try to understand. All you can do is think about how good his voice makes you feel.

A more prominent voice comes into your mind. He has a command for you.

“Say, ‘Why, Master?’ for me, love” it echoes in your brain until it is fulfilled.

“Why, master?” you say with no thought or intention behind it. You look at him with the deepest form of affection known to man; enthrallment.

He grabs you and pulls your ear to his lips. “Because I took it from you.” he hisses, hand moving down to your clit to massage it. “I stole your strength, your talent, your mind from you.” he smiles at you.

He’s so pretty when he smiles.

“You put up quite the fight for a bit but in the end, I won. I always do.”

His fingering in your cunt gets more aggressive, he loves making you feel good. He feels so good inside you, and his voice is like music in your clouded mind.

“I beat you, fucked you, isolated you until you were exactly the way I want you.” He scoffs, “Proof that my power is strong enough to turn the strongest heroes into whores that only exist to be my cumslut. The hero of Baldur’s Gate, locked in a bedroom in my palace for me to fuck when I please.”

He starts to laugh, he must have told a joke. Master is so funny. You laugh along with him.

He lifts your hips onto his cock once more. You feel a rush of pleasure drawing a languid moan from your lips. This is what hurt before? No no- it must have been something else that was hurting. This- this is too profound to hurt.

You start to bounce on his cock, pulling him in and out fully the way your body knows he likes. It feels so good. 

“You’re a fucking idiot do you know that?” he through pants as he ferociously fucks you. “Thinking you would ever be my ‘Dark Consort’, thinking I would let you in on the glory? Please.”

His voice sounds like a symphony.

“I knew from the moment I met you, you were just a desperate, stupid slut. Just needed some coaxing out by my hand.” he continues, “Say you’re nothing but a desperate slut and nothing without me inside you.”

Again, you have the feeling he is expecting a response from you but you don’t quite know what to say. You feel so good wrapped around his cock. Everything is so perfect. 

He slaps you across the face and puts his hand around your neck. 

The heat of the hit goes straight to your cunt. Waves of pleasure rush over your mind. It feels. So. Damn. Good. You’re on the cusp of the biggest orgasm of your undead life. 

He enters your mind with a command, “I said, say you’re nothing but a desperate slut and nothing without me inside you.”

“Ah- I-I’m a desperate slut!” you try to use your voice between moans, “a-and I’m n-nothing without you i-inside me-e!”

You don’t even know what you’re saying, you’re so fucking close. 

“Gods…“ Astarion is on the edge of coming inside you. “Fucking-“

He enters your mind. “Come when I say. I need to feel you clench around my cock as I have you spilling with me.”

“Three…”

Your body starts to prepare for the hit of chemicals your brain is about to receive.

“Two…”

You’re so fucking close, you’re under his thumb. He just needs to lift it ever so slightly and you’re riding this wave together. 

“One. Come for me”

Your body obeys. Your scream could easily be mistaken for him killing you if this routine wasn’t so practiced. You convulse and clench around his member inside of you, milking his spend for all you can. You lay in a pleasurable bliss. A numbness like no other, with your master’s spend leaking from your cunt. Fucked beyond measure. 

***

The pink fog of your vision lifts for the most part. The fog is still clouding your thoughts, it usually does until master is gone for a long while.  

After a brief respite, Astarion begins to put his clothes back on. Gazing at his reflection to ensure there’s no imperfections in his appearance. 

He turns on his heels to face you and clasps his hands together. “Well my love, I’m afraid I need to head out.” he explained with an exaggerated frown. “I have a very very important meeting out of town I need to attend.”

“Again? But you just came back from a trip…” you pout. 

“Darling,” his eyes glow slightly in your gaze, “that was 2 weeks ago!”

You scrunch your face. Has it been that long? You concentrate on remembering the past two weeks. 

He places a hand on your forehead to check for a fever. “Are you feeling unwell?”

Think… Oh! How could you have forgotten? You helped to decide the warpath of where to expand the empire you two have built. Yes, yes. How could you forget? Time does fly when you have fun.

You lay naked on the bed, watching as your master makes his way to leave your shared chambers to go on yet another important trip. You love that your master is such an important man, that is what he always wanted and what he deserves. But, selfishly, you hate that he always needs to go away. Oh well. You should be grateful you had such an eventful two weeks with him. 

He knocks 3 times on the chamber door with no handles. Did that always have no door knob? You can’t bring yourself to recall, your mind and body spent beyond their limit. 

Master’s assistant- whose name is lost on you- opens the door for him. As he is beginning to make his way out the door, you call out to him.

“Wait master!”

He turns to you. “Hm? Yes, pet?”

“Where is your business trip located? I forgot to ask, I like to know so I can imagine us going there together one day.”

He tilts his head in endearment and smiles at you.

“Neverwinter, my lovely. I must be going, the carriage is waiting. Now, you know the routine by now? Think of me while I’m gone.”

The images he wants you to imagine flow into your mind like a tidal wave. You hear him in your mind telling you not to touch yourself and that you can’t climax without permission. 

“Of course, master. I will behave myself”

“Good girl. I will see you before you know it, my pet”

“I love you, master”

“Yes, I know. And I you.” he says as the door is shut

***

“Sire, just to ensure I’m not mistaken,”  Astarion’s assistant asks shortly after the door to the vault is locked shut as she walks beside him down the hall, “your soonest business meeting is six months from now? In Waterdeep?” 

“You would be correct. If you need me, I’ll be in my office.”

“Of course, sire.”

***

You are sitting in the lavish master chamber of the ornate palace you call home. Gazing into your reflection in the vanity mirror combing your unnaturally long black hair, getting lost in thought. It’s really all there is to do when Master Astarion is away on extended business trips like this.

It does help, too, that before he left he told you to think of him while he was gone. It was a command. So you obey. And you think.

The End

I hope you enjoyed my very first time writing fanfiction!! If you like my style and have any ideas or suggestions, let me know! This was so much fun to write and I can't wait to write more!

[shamelessrelentless]

My Tav agreeing to help Astarion ascend: “I’m not like other girls *twirls hair* I’m worse.”

[alwaysawkwardd]

Damn it. He's hot!

[darkurgediaries]

Evil Lord Astarion MV

Astarion’s evil arc is one of the coolest and most well-written villain stories I’ve ever experienced, so I had to make a musical tribute. Who doesn’t love a great villain! The evil path is oft ignored for the good one, but I’m a sucker for the dark side, pun intended 😉

[thechaoticdruid]

My thoughts on Ascended Vamp Daddy I guess.

(Short version: I love him and I hate him. And gods I love to hate him.)

While I am a firm believer that Spawn is the best ending for Star. I won't lie, Ascended Astarion does make me feel some kind of way. (Curse him and his sexy dialogue) I see that route as a beautifully tragic end. Ripe for some sweet sweet angsty fanfiction. Though I do have my own issues with Ascended Astarion aside from his bitchiness being turned up to 90. He feels a bit inconsistent with some of his writing. He's possessive but he still lets Tav fuck around without any complaints. I'm sorry but possessive people just don't do that. (I feel like being locked out of Halsin's polymance should be a penalty for ascending Astarion if I'm honest...)

He's supposed to be this cocky super powerful evil vampire yet he just leaves if we decide to kick him in the balls. lol LIKE COME BACK HERE AND KILL ME YOU COWARD!

What are you too scared to murder your lover with your own hands!? PATHETIC!

Perhaps he is still just that scared insecure little spawn buried deep down underneath a bunch of bullshitting.

But then there's the endings where Tav gets by without being turned into a spawn or Astarion planning to invade the hells for Karlach which really don't make sense if you connect them to the night where he wants to turn the player. (Still can't forgive him for what he does to my bby Karlach smh.)

Anyway I do still have a soft spot for some of his dialogue.

"I promise not to bite down to the bone.~" From the drow twins scene is probably my favorite. Legit made me think after the fade to black Sorn and Nym would just be laying on the ground dead afterwards. (Honestly missed opportunity there in my opinion.)

I know people are like oh he becomes a yandere if you ascend him, but as a long time yandere fan, Ascended Astarion in game is not a yandere, he's almost there, but not quite. You still have some opportunities to break up with him and all he does is act like a toxic boyfriend and throws a fit. And a yandere would not give up so easily if their love interest rejected them.

So I'm not quite sure how to end this post. It's kinda just been me rambling on about this version of Star and it came to mind since I've been writing a fic where he's the main antagonist. (He's been a lot of fun to try to write as deliciously evil as possible.)

So any way what are your thoughts on this asshat?

👇

[astarionfreak]

Palisade afternoon

// Ascended Astarion (evil) x Fem!Reader (Durge)

How long did you spend planning your escape only for it to fail? Astarion has bound you to him, body and soul. He has complete control. You are helpless as he takes advantage of you.

18+ • NSFW • 5K words (1/1) | Read on AO3 (a teaser is available below)

This is 5k words of smut and horror. It's is a scene idea that was cut from "Exile (Or: How you learned to stay)". You don't need to read Exile to read this. You do need to read the warnings though.

Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. (All warnings in tags.)

Tags: Smut, Dark, Fear, Rape, Mind Control, Orgasm Denial, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Vaginal Fingering, Penis In Vagina Sex, Thigh Bites, Inappropriate object as dildo, Spit As Lube, Threats of pregnancy.

The dress you’re meant to wear to the party is hanging near the bed. It’s beautiful. You hate it.

So you pace the room instead of getting ready. Every few seconds you glance under the bed to where you’ve hidden a wooden stake. You can’t see it, but just knowing it’s there makes you uneasy.

It’s a plan. It’s freedom. Alternatively, it’s punishment. It’s death. No, not death, something far worse. If you try to kill him and fail — he won’t kill you, he’ll forgive you. His forgiveness is far more terrifying than the peace death promises.

Astarion’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts. “Something the matter, little love?”

You spin on your heels to face him. You didn’t hear him arrive, you never do. He’s impossibly quiet, and always around when you think you’re alone.

“I thought you’d be busy all afternoon,” you say.

Your voice is quiet, weak. Pathetic. What were you thinking? Preparing that stake. You struggle to speak up to him. You can’t fight him. You certainly can’t kill him.

“Yes, well, I always make time for you.” Astarion turns to face the floor-length mirror. He begins to unbutton his doublet.

You know better than to ask what he’s doing here. So you bite your tongue. Your silence does not go unnoticed.

“Tell me what’s on your mind, my pet,” he says.

You don’t want to speak, but his command pulls a half-truth from your tongue. “I’m not going tonight.”

He laughs softly, still staring at himself in the mirror. “Is that so?”

You nod. “Yes. I’m not going. It’s been decided.”

“And who made that decision?” He slips out of his doublet and lays it out on the dresser. He smooths his hand over his undershirt before turning to face you.

You curl your fists into tight little balls. “I decided.” The magic you once wielded with these very hands is lost to you. You’re defenseless against him. Against anyone. You’re so weak.

He laughs again. This time it sends a chill up your spine.

“That’s very cute.” He stalks toward you from the other side of the room, quickly closing the distance between you. “Perhaps I should clarify, you don’t have a choice in the matter.”

Your heart thrashes against your chest. Your face and neck flush red with anxious arousal. “You can’t make me go.”

“I can, and you will. Would you like to know why?” he asks.

No. You should run, shouldn’t you? But your feet won’t move. Fear. That’s what this is, and it has you frozen in place.

Astarion is so close that the warmth of him envelops you, pulling you in even deeper. Hands that were once cold, that once touched you with some semblance of kindness, are warm and caress your face in a way that fills you with terror.

You try to pull away from him, but your body just won’t listen to you. “I’ll hurt you if you make me go,” you hiss.

He laughs at your empty threat. “With what, little bird? Your magic? Your hands? You’re far too weak.”

Astarion takes your hands in his and squeezes your fingers just tight enough to hurt. “Would you like to try to kill me now? I’ll even help you.”

He releases his grip and shoves you back. Astarion never leaves your space, always closer and closer, as you stumble back — even when your legs bump against the edge of the bed.

“Go ahead, collect what you’ve hidden beneath our bed.” He stares down at you with a look of pure malice.

Ice runs through your veins when you realize that he knows. How long? How long has he known?

“Feeling shy now? Really? Fine.” He lowers himself — each of his movements are calculated, calm, and threatening as he swiftly removes the wooden stake from under the bed. He takes your hand once more, places the stake firmly in your palm, and forces your trembling fingers to close around it.

The wood is incredibly smooth and certainly strong enough for the task at hand. You’re just not sure if you’re strong enough.

No. You know you’re not strong enough.

“Here’s your chance, darling,” he sneers. “I’ve been, oh, so, curious if something so simple could really hurt me.”

Is he talking about the stake or is he talking about you?

Continue reading on AO3.

[preciouslittle-bhaalbabe]

Villain Astarion....I have cooked too hard with this I fear he's so fucking hot

ALSO HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA HELP?????

[juubli]

***Spoiler warning

"Just so you know, I have everything I ever wanted. From the crimson palace I will govern day and night.

You don't really have anything at all..."

This exchange with Astarion absolutely broke my heart for the ascendant playthrough I just couldn't go ahead with it.

My painting of Astarion drunk with power, hosting a ball of his own. Watching the dancers thinking about his next move. Whatever that may be. Or perhaps he wish that Tav never left, and that they could be the pair dancing instead.

Emotions aside but also my excuse to paint n design new fancy outfits!

[iamjucie]

Pet (18+) pt. 3 of 4

photo credit: @astarionposting

Ascended Astarion x f!reader

Chapter Three: Full

I suggest reading the first two of the series before this, there is a bit of a plot in the porn. Just a little.

Summary: You are finally granted the privilege of being filled with your master.

WARNINGS: Smut, Extremely dubious consent, Mind control/manipulation, Orgasm control, Abusive relationship, Stockholm Syndrome, Physical Abuse

I do not say this lightly- Astarion is evil in this. This is an extremely toxic relationship. You have been warned!

(AO3 Link)

Your gaze remains fixated on Astarion, your pupils so dilated with lust that he can hardly see the red in them. 

“Ok my pet,” he coos at you, “what do you desire?”

“I desire to make you happy, master”

“Tsk, you know that's not what I mean.” he begins, putting his feet on the ground and meeting you at your level. He reaches between your legs and grazes his hand over your folds, back to front. He leans into your ear and purrs, “What do you desire?”

A shudder rolls up your spine. You don’t know how he wants you to respond. Your initial response was honest. You sit with a distressed thinking face on as you calculate your next response.

“Don’t hurt yourself now, darling. I would like to have you filled with me before our night ends.”

You look up at him with eyes that tell him all you need to know.

He takes your stare at him as a clue to the answer he seeks.

“Is that what you desire?” he’s leaning into you, slender fingers caressing your cheek. He continues with a whisper, “To be filled with me?”

You stare longingly into his eyes. Fuck he’s beautiful, your lost for words. All you can do is lean your head into his hand and nod.

His gentle smile is stripped from his face as he swiftly removes his hand from your face and connects to it again with a slap, causing you to shriek and place your hands on your cheek where he made his impact.

“What did I say about using our words, hm?” he snaps, tone no longer loving but that of a parent providing discipline. 

You get small and grovel before him. “I am so sorry, master. I did not mean to offend, I-'' you look up at him, connecting with his gaze falling upon you, sopping in pity. “It’s been so long I just don’t know what I- what you want. I don’t remember what to ask for, my mind is not the same as it once was, I fear.”

He sighs, putting his hands onto his knees as he stands up. He rubs the bridge of his nose in thought for a moment. “I suppose I’m partially to blame for that. I wish it wasn’t the case but keeping you in here is the only way I know you will be safe from harm.” He starts to fiddle with the sheets of the bed. “Lack of stimuli for as long as you’ve been in here will begin to dull your mind." his gaze is avoiding yours. Does he know why your mind is slipping? Is he hiding something from you?

No, you think to yourself. You are his Dark Consort. Lovers for eternity. He would never keep a secret from you.

“Maybe I can start making decisions with you again? Like I used to?”  You stand up and approach him with a seductive saunter. “Maybe that would make me sharp and cunning again? Like when you fell in love with me?”

He caresses your cheek and coos, “You are truly adorable, my pet.” he turns from you, beginning to take off his boots. “Help me undress, I’m feeling quite…” he scans your naked body up and down, “...overdressed at the moment.”

You nod your head- then remember your lesson on using your words. “Yes, master. Of course.” 

Once his shirt was removed and he could feel your skin on his, it’s like something awoke inside of him. He shoves you onto the bed, kissing you hungerly and greedily, like he has the hunger of a spawn again- and your kiss is your lifeblood.

Gods, he’s so magnificent. You don’t know how much longer you can wait for him to be inside you. Once you have the opportunity, you blurt out, “Fuck me master.” The desperation in your voice is palpable. So much so that even you might feel bad for yourself if you were an onlooker. “I need to be filled with you, I can’t wait any more.”

He grins ear to ear and sighs proudly, “That’s a very good girl. Great job using your words.”

His praise sends a warm, vibrating sensation to your core and throughout your entire body. You are so happy to have pleased him you can just explode.

No exploding, however. Not yet.

He begins to undo his now modern trousers with several buttons cascading his mound, much different than the ones you once saw him wear so very long ago. The style of clothing changes so quickly when you live forever.

His flawless erection springs free, asking to be attended to. A pearl of precum formed at the head.

“Do you see what you do to me darling? My beautiful pet being so very good is enough to make me hard as a rock.” You feel yourself starting to salivate.

“And you…” he trails his hands down your body, assessing the details of your form. “Are absolutely perfect.”

Of course you are. He made you this way. The absolutely ideal love for the Vampire Ascendant. He deserves no less than perfect. He can’t have anything less than perfect. You would never allow for it.

Your thoughts are halted as he possessively grabs you by the hips. Focusing his attention on positioning his beautiful member to your entrance. He grazes his tip on your folds, moving up to rub it on your clit, drawing a moan from your lips.

He looks at you with a smolder, glad to see you so ready for him. If your moans weren't enough of an indication, then the amount of spend you have coming from your cunt did the job. 

I exist for this.

This is why I was put on this earth.

I exist to serve my master.

The thoughts cycle in your head over and over, unrelentingly loud in your mind until you say it out loud:

“I exist to serve you master, that is why I was put on this Earth”

He leans into your ear, “That’s fucking right you do.”

He pushes into you with the force of a God, quickly pumping in and out of you. Gods, he is huge. You are so full of love and obsession and his- his cock You feel like you can die again. So overwhelmed, so overjoyed, so- full.

You lie on the bed as he brutally fucks your cunt, pumping with unrelenting vigor, leaving your mouth hanging open. His actions draw lewd sounds from your throat. You feel so utterly fucked. 

He stops for a brief moment to flip you so that you are on top of him. You squeak and giggle at the motion, drawing a smile from Astarion’s gaze.

“I want you to ride me, pet.” He hikes his hips in a way that allows his cock to hit the spot that he knows drives you crazy. “I am going to make you come enough times for a lifetime.”

“Oh master I-” you feel yourself losing yourself to pleasure. “I’m so close, master. I’m so close” He reaches his hand to your clit while pumping his cock into your g-spot.

“That’s a good girl” he growls intently examining your reaction to his pleasing you. “Now, be a doll and come for me”

The command slipping from his lips filled your body with white light and heat beyond comprehension. You scream his name and moan as you come positively undone. Your body goes limp, crashing down onto him.

He wraps his arms around you soothingly, rubbing your back. You feel as though you may fall asleep. You are fucked beyond thought, basking in the embrace of both your beloved master and the afterglow of your climax. Astarion’s cock still hard and throbbing inside of you. He is not finished with you yet. Not until his spend is leaking from your cunt and he is empty.

Last chapter: Boots

Next chapter: Pink

[something-pithy]

Notes and an Update: Astarion, Tav, and Trauma in Stories

Pictured above: actual footage of trauma response from Astarion (j/k! kinda!) to catch your eye :D

Hey glittercats and cosmic kittens!

So I've definitely been neglecting the updates here, which I'm going to try to do better with.

We're up to Chapter 11 on this bad boy, and I've adjusted the anticipated chapter count to 30 (but honestly it's probably still all lies because I have absolutely no sense of how much writing each point on my outline ends up being loool).

I have a DOPE beta who's fucking amazing both in terms of conventions and idea partnership and I'm telling you right now, this story is so much better for having their hands and eyes on it.

SOME CONTENT WARNING STUFF RE: THIS CHAPTER:

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

.

.

.

MORE DETAILS ON THIS -- SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

So hopefully that's enough room for people who don't want to be spoiled to escape!

So I'm going to copy/paste the end note on the story, and expand on it a little bit.

So, although Tav is a "good drunk," as Frank Gallagher might put it, she is 1000% engaging in pretty serious substance abuse, or to be more specific in this chapter, alcohol use disorder. I'm not going to go into the way this story is going to approach mental and behavioral health disorders and trauma; hopefully it will speak for itself. Suffice it to say substance abuse and trauma are not the central subject of this story, but also, Astarion and Tav as they exist in this little pocket dimension of the BG3 universe have been impacted by the trauma they've each experienced both together and as individuals. In general, the impact of trauma can look and feel a lot of ways. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes it's heartbreaking, sometimes it's rage-inducing - but let's be honest, sometimes that shit is funny, too, because humor is such an incredible survival tactic / coping mechanism. Even if sometimes we're laughing at shit that shouldn't be funny. (Maybe especially then.) This story isn't going to be an after-school special or a PSA. It's a story about people, and sometimes people are fucked up (literally and figuratively). Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. If this has activated you, or you have earnest questions or concerns about what's going on in this story / with these characters, or you just want to shoot the shit, hit me up on my tumblr. There might be more notes there on this eventually, but for now, this chapter actually took a lot out of me and I'm still out here with these perpetual COVID symptoms, so... lol NOT TONIGHT. As always, thank y'all for reading, kudosing, and commenting.

OK, so I may have lied about the no notes part... but honestly, in re-reading that note, I think it kind of gets to the point.

But ALSO...

I've been a geek on the internet for a long, long time. I've engaged with different fan-based writing and roleplaying communities (tabletop, chat-based, forum-based, butt-based -- EVERYTHING) for pretty much the entire time.

"The Tragic Backstory" seems like it's been A Whole Thing since people started creating characters whether for roleplay or stories.

I think times have changed somewhat, but back in the day I ran in circles where a lot of thoughts about writing, creating characters, roleplay, etc. coexisted somewhat peacefully, but an old chestnut that consistently (maybe without fail) turned up in any conversation that involved Writers of Quality was a contingent of folks who had deep disdain for The Tragic Backstory.

I'm talkin' some deep, scathing, elitist shit, my beautiful people.

And I'm not gonna lie to you! This is approximately ten thousand years ago (no but seriously, decades), and honestly, I was up in those conversations, too, throwing around my disdain, assured by my fellow elitists that even though I frequently employed some form of Tragic Backstory, it was OK when I did it because it was good.

I mean in retrospect, it's kinda bullshit. There's always gonna somebody who's gonna think your shit's good, and there's also always gonna be somebody who thinks they're a Better Writer Than You who's gonna think your shit is... well, shit.

Not gonna lie, I still have very strong and particular preferences when it comes to the fic I read in general, and that includes backstory.

But over time, I got progressively less insecure (not just about my writing, but in general) and consequently less concerned with judging writing that's not my flavor as "bad" or "shitty" or "juvenile" (looool seriously, I was a dick) and more concerned with finding and creating writing that is my flavor.

However, and I don't think I'm going to apologize for it, some dickish tendencies linger in my soul. I'm going to try and frame these thoughts in terms of what compels me in a story I'm reading and what I do (or try to do) in my own writing.

This is a very long way of saying if something I say (or have already said) makes you feel like I'm coming for your neck, please know that I'm not.

My thoughts and/or opinions may cause you or someone you love to feel Some Type of Way. That is not my intention. I have no desire to:

Yuck anyone's yum

Contribute to or activate the crippling self-doubt that plagues almost every creative I've ever met

Be a dick.

Having said all that, I do have Thoughts on This Matter.

People write for a lot of reasons, but I'm fairly convinced that nobody's doing it with any level of purity. There are tons of incredible, beautiful, moving stories that feature a whole-ass Self-Insert, maybe even the dreaded Mary Sue.

(lol lookin' at you Dante's Inferno, Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire, and countless others lol)

People write to explore topics and themes that interest them, that compel them, that they see recurring in the world around them and/or their own lives.

One of those things is trauma.

In my writing, I approach trauma, disordered behaviors, dysfunction, dysregulated emotions, etc. (topics both of great interest to me and, not coincidentally, ones with which I have a great deal of personal experience) from a place of wanting fervently to tell the truth.

And I'm pretty good writing some things that feel true.

But I know that in some ways, I've shied away from harder truths; from using my writing and the characters I create not only as reflections of what I see in the world, but as accurate (rather than idealized) reflections of myself.

Because of this, while I've explored redemption arcs in roleplaying games (where being cheesy or facile or juvenile or fulfilling personal fantasies felt much safer than on a page), I've skirted neatly around it, I think, in my writing (for the most part). Because I absolutely was the girl who wanted to "save" or "fix" the wounded (and emotionally unavailable, and/or abusive, and/or toxic) lover. I wanted stories about it. I wanted to roll around in that narrative, bathe in it, eat it up for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

All while occupying the role/perspective of The Good One / The Good Girl whether in a game or in a story I was consuming.

But it's not the truth. Not the whole truth, at least. Not for me, anyway.

My admiration, respect, regard, and all the other good words for the writing and acting in Baldur's Gate 3 cannot be overstated. Each of the "origin" characters (and honestly, any character "Tav" has the opportunity to even have a conversation with, much less spend a significant amount of time with) is thoughtfully and truthfully written. I see this more in some than others, but that depth and breadth of understanding about human beings -- sorry, sentient beings -- shows up all over the place and honestly I almost can't stand how much I love it.

I'm not going to say that there's no character I feel this as deeply with as Astarion, but... idk, sometimes.

But there's no need to quantify this. Astarion is one of a number of characters from the game that I'm low-key obsessed with.

As such, when I decided to take on the story outcome in which, in my opinion, he throws all the growth, all the processing, all the truth and reconciliation I saw him moving toward in the game into a fucking woodchipper, I did not want it to be easy.

I get wanting it to be easy, and there are delicious, delicious fics out there that go this route. I think anybody who writes Ascendant Astarion at least flirts with it.

And it's not a binary; it's not either, "OMG this is completely uncomplicated, I love you I'm your spawn and it's just like if you hadn't ascended except your SUPER EXTRA POWERFUL AND SEXY AND HOT AND WHOOPS THERE GO MY PANTIES" (which, tbh... lool I'm not mad at) or "ASTARION IS IRREDEEMABLE LET ME WRITE OF HIS TRAGIC DEMISE AND TAV'S TRAGIC WITNESS TO IT / ENGINEERING OF IT." Which I'm ALSO not mad at, because THOSE THINGS CAN BE TRUE.

But while I'm subscribed to some stories that follow those paths or ones like them, and when I get that notification it's time to STOP THE PRESSES bc mama needs to READ, for me the challenge of this is if I'm going to continue Astarion and Tav's love story (or rekindle it lol), I want to honor the four years of intense character work Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney and honestly the whole goddamn BG3 team from soup to nuts have done by considering "What would really happen here" as brutally as possible.

Komo, my incredible thought partner-cum-beta, can tell you about the pages of back and forth between us about "fml, how can we make this story work and maintain fidelity to the integrity* of these characters???? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

*not personal integrity -- meta shit. The integrity of their arcs, development, personalities, histories, traumas, etc.

SO. Back to trauma.

I said in my end note for chapter 11 that this story is not an after-school special (which looool probably at least some of you are like wtf are you talking about my dude and I'm like looooool omg life before kids were a whole target demographic unto themselves - kind of lol) or a PSA.

Which alludes to the fact that YES, I want to tell the truth about the ugliness of this relationship and the individuals in it with nuance and empathy and sensitivity; that I want to write about the pain and harm and longing and ache and all of it in ways that are neither hyperbolic nor diminishing.

But also, look, my darling motherfuckers, my comrades in fuckery, whoever's made it this far into this rambling monster of a -- whatever the fuck this is lool -- PEOPLE WHO HAVE TRAUMA ALSO HAVE FUN.

SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ENGAGING IN BEHAVIORS THAT ARE DESTRUCTIVE TO THEMSELVES AND/OR OTHERS.

I don't think I've sufficiently unpacked this part to dig down much deeper into it, but what I will say is that this is not going to be a passion play about Poor Tav or Drugs Are Bad, Mmkay? or anything else.

What this is going to be (or at least, what I passionately want it to be) is -- framed with a delicious little fake-dating muffin of an emotional MacGuffin -- a portrait of some people in all (or lordt jebus please let me achieve at least MOST) of their complexity.

ALL OF IT.

Lordt Baby Jebus, Allah, Milal, Great Spaghetti Monster, ANYBODY

(not Lolth lol)

hear my prayer!

Aight, that's all I've got for today. <3

If you made it this far, PM me and tell me something you want to see in the story! I'll make you a treat.

And if it don't fit in the story, I might be able to make a li'l drabble happen.

COMING SOON to Writing Notes Storytime:

Identity in this story and in stories in general

The Good, the Bad, and the Neutral: Alignment and Astarion (and some other ppl, too!) in BG3, DnD, and This Story lol

Stuff I'm forgetting bc I'm STILL not over this never-ending COVID fuckery

[darkurgediaries]

My Astarion videos Master-post!

The music videos from latest to earliest:

I think it’s interesting to see how my music video style has changed over time! I’ve also gotten better quality recording software!

Astarion Custom Cutscenes from latest to earliesr:

Again, my style with these has changed vastly in the past year, but even that earliest starlit scene still remains close to my heart 🤍

[shamelessrelentless]

I have no idea how Spotify works really, but feel free to add to it if you’re able to. Most of the playlist is rock and it’s songs that either just capture the vibe or do seem to relate to him or Tav before or after ascension (mainly after.) Enjoy if you wanna. Thanks!

[vaniri]

Evil Astarion is all fun and games until he shows his real self. And then tells you that YOU are the problem 😐