#personal diary entry

[mangle-my-mind]

feeling an intense urge to be dating and to meet cute people and to kiss someone. but also scared and lazy and don't actually want to go through the process

[ohtobeleah]

Every Wednesday I tag along to Two for One with my husband and his really good friends. They have a table permanently reserved at the local pub. 

Recently, with the way my husbands's mental health has been significantly deteriorating as we dig up a lot of his last trauma…its so beautiful to see how they show up for him. I sit there and listen to these kens catch up and talk cars and really just appreciate being in each other's presence. They just love him so much and every week once we leave, he feels a small sense of belonging.

Its a come if you like, skip a week or two of you feel like it situation. But I make sure Bailey goes every Wednesday so he's reminded that people care about him. But without fail, none of them leave without saying “Love you, bye”

I'm getting that tattooed this Saturday, so are his friends. His support system couldn't be stronger if we tried. But its still hard to navigate the tough days. 

[seizethebae]

Unnecessary life update by a stranger you might want to befriend.

Sometimes I find it sad that there are so many things we end up overlooking as a result of desperation. Living in a society where perfection is the standard makes us see through the beauty of every step we take as we walk towards the path of betterment. Don’t get me wrong, it is absolutely beautiful to possess such determination. To people like me, betterment is the key factor to living a fulfilling life. But sometimes, we are just so blinded by pressure, and perhaps judgement, that we fail to see the other things that coexist alongside our frustrations of nowhere being the standards of society, of not being perfect.

I, for instance, am having a really hard time adjusting in my new school. It is as if I “fell off”, as I am used to being at the top back in my old school. Here in the university, it is as if my already fragile perception of myself shattered into pieces. Lesson learned, do not associate your self worth merely with academic accolades. As a result of my desperation for academic validity, I ended up pressuring myself to be the ideal, perfect student. I have never indulged myself towards my studies, ever. But to my utter shock, nothing worked out. I burnt myself out for nothing. My “hard work” did not pay off a single bit in my midterms, and to say that I underperformed would be an understatement. But as I’m writing this, you know what frustrates me the most? The realization that I have failed to see the beauty of every day I lived, because I was too busy frowning at my performances. I failed to see the value of the things happening right in front of my very eyes, whether they were beautiful or not, I am unable to tell already.

I hold a very high regard for every experience, bad or good. I think this is because the words of Rilke has been ingrained into my mind. As cheesy and common as it may sound, I deem experiences to be sources of wisdom. We learn from every experience the more we try to grasp its very core. Being blinded by the things heavily influenced by societal ideals makes me feel as if I am going to lose a piece of myself if prolonged.

But perhaps the experience of being devoured by my desperation to be as good as the smart ones is also an experience to reflect upon. It may not be the best experience, as losing my mind would be an understatement, but at the end of the day, it is still a case for reflection.

Ah, don’t you think it’s astonishing? How the human mind works. How we start from detesting an idea, the idea of your trials not having the best outcomes, to acknowledging it and deeming it as a thing that was unarguably a beautiful experience that was once part of you. I guess my toxic trait is my romanticization of things that aren’t necessarily supposed to be romanticized. But it works for me. Oh how beautiful the flow of thinking is. It is such a shame that not everyone thinks these days.

[julykings]

by candlelight

[elfyprincess]

“I’m voting for Trump-” BLOCKED

“I’m voting for Jill Stein-” BLOCKED

“I’m not voting-” BLOCKED

My account is a safe space for Harris supporters ONLY tyvm

[belovedapollo]

suddenly I’m 7 again with the way I write about the things in this journal. As if I’m trying to sooth my inner child and his heart. I can be both, 30 and 7 at the same time. Being kind to yourself doesn’t go away when you grow up. That’s something I need to remind myself often too. ✍🏼

reblog is ok, don’t repost/use

[vulcanette]

IM FUCKING SCREAMING BITCH !!!!!!!

[ghost-proofbaby]

if it were anyone else (e.m.)

warnings: strong allusions to depression, disordered eating/rough relationship with food, mentions of smoking, description of a sort of panic attack. very sad. hurt/comfort? not edited.

wc: 1.6k+

a/n: this is literally entirely self indulgent and written entirely after i sat and cried and thought "i wish i had eddie here right now to hold me". maybe in like thirty minutes tops. this is for me and only me. go figure lol. sorry. yeah. anyways.

if you relate, my askbox is always open, and i'm very sorry you've felt this way as well. i hope you all take care of yourselves. drink some water, call a friend. be kind to yourself.

“I’m worried about you.” 

Four words that always manage to strike a certain type of fear in your gut. You don’t know how to react as he says it, how he wants you to react. You can only stare blankly, you can only wish harder for the earth to swallow you whole.

“What do you mean?” you laugh nervously, following it with a hard swallow.

You’re playing dumb. You know it, he knows it. The tremor in your bones and your numb appendages know it, too. 

“You’re…” Eddie stalls, licking his lips, letting his eyes rake over you, “You’re getting bad again.” 

You’re quick to shake your head, forcing another hollow chuckle from your chest, “It’s not that bad. I’m fin-”

“You’re not fine.”

The look in his eyes could crack your spine if you stare too long. Wet eyes, a trembling bottom lip, worry lines etched into his forehead that you realize might be caused by you.

You’re causing him worry. The last thing you want to do, you’ve accomplished. You’re on a fast-track to becoming a burden – the first step is always acceptance. 

You’re still unsure of how he wants – no, needs you to react right now. This conversation is a landmine for both of you, and you hold every breath with every step as you try to navigate it. If you make one wrong step, it could cause an explosion that spares no survivors.

You don’t mind if it tears you apart limb by limb. You do mind if it hurts him. 

“How… How do you know that?” 

It’s not a sarcastic snipping or defensive deterrence. It’s an unfiltered response of genuineness – you want to know the signs, you want to know what has exposed the rot this time.

And then, maybe next time, you’ll be able to better shield it from him with this knowledge. 

“How could I not?” he takes a deep breath in through his nose, and you focus on the flare of his nostrils rather than any of the tears beginning to gather at his waterlines, “It’s been happening for a while now, though, hasn’t it?” 

Your throat is a cage, tight and restrictive and ringing with a bitter metallic taste in its tenseness. You can’t respond with words. You can only nod. 

He chooses to answer your question more properly now that you’ve admitted it, “You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground. Picking up distractions like they’re going out of style.”

“Hey, they might be. We never know-” you cut yourself off when your eyes meet his. Now’s not the time for jokes, “Sorry. I… I know. I’m sorry.” 

He’s right. Fuck, he’s right. 

“I want to ask you something, and I need you to answer me honestly,” his own steps across these landmines are just as delicate, just as feathery light, as your own. You hear it in his tone, see it in his body language. You wish your body could sink into the mattress you’re sitting on the edge of as he crouches in front of you, warm palms connecting with your knees. Grounding you. Tethering you. Holding you back from that sinking you crave. “Are you… Sweetheart, are you okay?”

If anybody else had built up to such a stupid question, you would have laughed in their face. You would have shoved those warm palms right off of your skin and you would have thrown up those ice cold hands of your own, shouted obviously not. 

Obviously not. I’m not okay. I’m so far from okay, it’s a bit comical. I am drowning. I am treading in freezing cold waters and I am barely capable of keeping my head above the waves. My engine is fucked, my tank is empty. I don’t think I’d even know how to be ‘okay’ again if you did manage to pull this mangled body of mine from these depths and sat me down on safe, solid ground again. 

You can’t say any of this, though. Not because you don’t trust him, not because he would judge you. But because the moment he asks the question that should make you scoff, you let out a sob instead. Something like a muffled, broken wail that tears from deep within you. It had already been ready and poised, laying in wait for a perfect moment like this one to escape. 

His eyes aren’t the only glossy ones anymore. 

“I-” you start, breathing already stuttering and chest already constricting, “I- I-”

“Hey,” he palms smooth up your thighs, carrying their warmth with them, as if he were trying to spread it across you. As if he had heard your thoughts. As if he already knew all about those dark, treacherous, freezing waters you were stranded in. All you can do is spew out another cry, strangled as you tried to swallow it down before it entered the atmosphere between you two, “Hey.” 

You only notice the tears when you crumple forward and he meets you halfway. Those warm palms, those hands so capable of safety and promise, cup your cheeks and his thumbs make quick work of swiping away the salty streams. 

“Hey, baby, breathe for me,” his voice is tragically gentle, “Just one deep breath, okay?” 

To demonstrate, you watch his chest expand dramatically, his hands forcing you to keep your eyes on him. 

You can’t see through the bleariness. 

“C’mon, sweetness,” he encourages again, “One breath. Just one.” 

If it were anyone else, you’d turn into a fit of rage at the coddling. You’d break everything in sight. You’d scream until your already burning lungs finally collapsed as they’d been yearning to for so long. 

But it’s him. It’s just him, it’s just Eddie. 

His chest rises dramatically again, and this time, yours does as well, albeit through stifling hiccups. You’re dizzy from the lack of oxygen and the flood of emotion that was wrecking you. 

“There you go!” his voice rises ever so slightly, and when you flinch a bit at the sudden volume, he retracts, “Sorry, sorry. But that’s it, sweetheart. Another one, okay?” 

Another breath. Another sob. Another wave of all the pain you’ve been battling off. 

You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground.

He was right and it fucking killed you. None of those are things you could ever shield him from. You didn’t have the heart to pull away those numb and icey fingertips every time he’d reach out for your hand, or try to cover the shivers that managed to rack your bones even in the middle of summer. The sleeping situation had been spiraling, a pendulum of sleepless nights that would end in a sleep so deep that you could have been mistaken for resting with the dead. Maybe the smoking you could have hid, especially when you’d been so boastful about quitting. 

You weren’t running yourself into the ground. You had already collapsed into the dirt, you had already joined the worms. You’d buried yourself alive, six feet under, and nothing could have stopped him from sniffing out that scent of decay on you. 

The death of a soul and mind. The death of the thing that had propelled you forward for so long. No amount of sweet perfume, or hour long scalding showers, or minty gum to occupy your mind rather than a proper meal, can erase that stench. 

You never could have shielded him. He always saw right through you. Always had, always would. 

“I’m sorry,” you end up crying out. 

You don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you echo the words again. Over and over, on repeat, until he’s rising from the ground. Until he’s sat beside you. Until his arms are suddenly encasing you and you’re awarded a warmth you didn’t feel deserving of. 

He doesn’t smell like the decay you’d surrounded yourself with. He smells like slow waking in the morning, dreary and calm and at a reasonable time. He smells like warm baths that only relax your bones, and don’t have to blister your skin in the process. He smells like three meals a day, all comforting and all effortless and that never linger with a sense of regret.

He’s not decay, never even treading close to death. He’s home. He’s the promise that you could be okay. Even if it isn’t right now. 

“Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into the crown of your head, squeezing you tighter into his chest, not even blinking an eye at the patch of wetness you leave behind from where your cheeks bury against him, “Never apologize. Ever. Not with me, sweetheart. Keep the sorries. I don’t need them.” 

If it were anyone else, the holding would have suffocated you. But it’s him. It’s Eddie.

You don’t fight him when he pulls you fully into his lap, situating the two of you comfortably on that mattress. 

You don’t know how long you let him cradle you like that. How much of that time is spent filled with your cries, or how many breaths he gently urges you to take with him. He never once has to verbally say what you already know; he never once promises aloud that it’ll be okay. He doesn’t put that pressure on you, not yet. Not today. Not when he knows the journey to okay is still such a long one. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers to you instead, “I’ve got you, now, sweetheart.” 

If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t believe them. 

But it’s him. It’s Eddie. 

And he’s got you, for now and for as long as you need.

[booksapphic]

[snailfen]

got distracted and made an ii gjinka for the first time in years when i shouldve been taking notes. she can be intimidating as much as she wants but her ass is NOT beating the cutie patootie allegations

[mangle-my-mind]

what should I be for Halloween? I need ideas please!

Some costumes I've done in the past are a vampire (ofc), Hedwig Schmidt, Freddie Mercury in the I Want to Break Free video, Alex from A Clockwork Orange, and Beatrix Kiddo

[ohtobeleah]

Don’t let the happiness of my wedding fool you besties—I’m still in full burn out mode.

Baileys been back at work the past two days and I’ve just sent him off this morning for the third day. Which means for the last few days it’s just been me at home for the first time since I quit my job.

When I quit Bailey was already on sick leave with the flu, and then he got really sick with that cyst we thought was a hernia but wasn’t a hernia and was in and out of the emergency room.

So because of the wedding planning and Baileys health concerns I felt like I didn’t get a chance to properly process my own journey? If that makes sense. And now I’m just sitting here, the house has never been cleaner or more silent. I’m alone, with my thoughts and emotions and feelings and all I have to say is I’m burnt the fuck out.

I’m trying my best to love myself, to nurture the workaholic people pleaser I’d become. To heal from the negative impacts left behind from my last job. And the more I do that the more I wanna get out of the fitness industry while I still have a chance.

I have an incredible job offer waiting for me. The owner is willing to wait for when I’m ready to step on board because that’s how valued I am. But I’m just not ready to do it. I know if I start this job I’m gonna struggle with the ever looming body dysmorphia and restrictive lifestyle. Because that’s just what happens when you’re body is seen as your business card.

I’ve been out of practice for a month now and I’m still trying to process the situation. I knew after the wedding/honeymoon was when I’d struggle the most.

[bykremi]

just a few shots from the new vlog (watch here)

[heertohbadisadhai]

if i ever write about you in my diary and you accidentally get to read it, just know that i’m actually an excellent writer, don’t flatter yourself over how beautifully i’ve described you thank you so much

(only applies to all the crushes i’ve had so far)

[sophiesonlinediary]

i’ve never loved anything in my life as a footnote.

music? i listen to it everyday just to never be alone with my thoughts. i memorize the chords and the artists name, why they wrote the song and how they connect to it. i psychoanalyse every lyric, i research the producer and what they have spoken about the song and why they chose to go for that beat. i listen to the live version and pay attention to the singers voice and how they enunciate every word their feeling etched into each delivery. i have music tattooed on my heart.

books? i live in them. i emerge myself in the fantasies of others savoring the stories of characters i’ll never personally know. i live in the little fantasies annotating words that make me feel what no human could ever. i make pinterest boards, spotify playlists, even posters, as a way to show my love for them. i rave about it to my friends and still sit in wonder at the end of the day at how words on paper can make me feel alive, can bring me new emotions i’m still yet discovering.

movies? they’re my religion, another form of escape from this world. i watch actors play a part bringing it to life the same way i do in my day to day fantasies. i watch the story evolve and how the director find ways to tell it in 1-3 hours. months of work finally coming together to make the final product. i delve into the actors lives, the set team, hoping ill be able to fill the void set there the second the screen turned black.

i log everything i do.

i watched a movie? letterboxd. i read a book? goodreads. i listened to an album? aoty.

everything i love, everyone i love, will always be important to me. i make a list of thing in my notes app i know you love, your little habits, the color of your eyes when you look at the sun for too long, because i cant afford to not love. i fear my time on earth to be wasted by not giving everything my all. i memorize lines from poetry that make me feel seen, i put posters on my wall for the art i appreciate, i decorate my room in my favorite color just to make the point clear that i love it. ill hug you a dozen times a day and make sure you feel alright. because sometimes loving everything and everyone else more than yourself is easier maybe im scared that if i take away everything i love i wont be sure about who i am. in the dead of night when im alone with my thoughts, without a book in my hand, or headphones blasting music, who am i? the song has ended but the melodies continue, in my head they go round making no space for the thoughts i’m afraid will creep in.

[elfyprincess]

Just made a doctors appointment. Gonna try & get an IUD. I think I want a copper one because it lasts longer and because I want to stay on the pill (the pill helps with my period cramps). I’m nervous for the pain, but I’m gonna try & convince them to give me something for it.

I live in California, but I’m still afraid of a national abortion ban. IUD + birth control pills + condoms is the only way I’ll feel safe having sex.

Tips on how to get them to give me pain medication would be nice.