#desperatin crisis

[seizethebae]

Unnecessary life update by a stranger you might want to befriend.

Sometimes I find it sad that there are so many things we end up overlooking as a result of desperation. Living in a society where perfection is the standard makes us see through the beauty of every step we take as we walk towards the path of betterment. Don’t get me wrong, it is absolutely beautiful to possess such determination. To people like me, betterment is the key factor to living a fulfilling life. But sometimes, we are just so blinded by pressure, and perhaps judgement, that we fail to see the other things that coexist alongside our frustrations of nowhere being the standards of society, of not being perfect.

I, for instance, am having a really hard time adjusting in my new school. It is as if I “fell off”, as I am used to being at the top back in my old school. Here in the university, it is as if my already fragile perception of myself shattered into pieces. Lesson learned, do not associate your self worth merely with academic accolades. As a result of my desperation for academic validity, I ended up pressuring myself to be the ideal, perfect student. I have never indulged myself towards my studies, ever. But to my utter shock, nothing worked out. I burnt myself out for nothing. My “hard work” did not pay off a single bit in my midterms, and to say that I underperformed would be an understatement. But as I’m writing this, you know what frustrates me the most? The realization that I have failed to see the beauty of every day I lived, because I was too busy frowning at my performances. I failed to see the value of the things happening right in front of my very eyes, whether they were beautiful or not, I am unable to tell already.

I hold a very high regard for every experience, bad or good. I think this is because the words of Rilke has been ingrained into my mind. As cheesy and common as it may sound, I deem experiences to be sources of wisdom. We learn from every experience the more we try to grasp its very core. Being blinded by the things heavily influenced by societal ideals makes me feel as if I am going to lose a piece of myself if prolonged.

But perhaps the experience of being devoured by my desperation to be as good as the smart ones is also an experience to reflect upon. It may not be the best experience, as losing my mind would be an understatement, but at the end of the day, it is still a case for reflection.

Ah, don’t you think it’s astonishing? How the human mind works. How we start from detesting an idea, the idea of your trials not having the best outcomes, to acknowledging it and deeming it as a thing that was unarguably a beautiful experience that was once part of you. I guess my toxic trait is my romanticization of things that aren’t necessarily supposed to be romanticized. But it works for me. Oh how beautiful the flow of thinking is. It is such a shame that not everyone thinks these days.