#or maybe. the real thing is that i don't form deep connections that are hard to let go

[folkloregirlfriend]

i just feel like. i'm happy with my own company or i have very high standards for relationships with people because i don't like anyone and people piss me off very quickly and i let go of them soooo easily it doesn't even matter to me

[c0llisiion]

— End of the world (cb)

★ npr, f!reader, angst , bsf!chan , pining , both of them are stupid, slight crack — lmk if i missed any!!; W/C: 1,620

A/N: a lil angst to close off the year <3

Final year was coming to an end in just a week. 4 years of constant fun, happy, and sad moments were all going to be memories soon.

Your final semester exams were over. Your dorm mates are already packing their things up to move out. Preparations for your graduation were all that was happening on your campus. It was bittersweet in a way.

But you couldn’t shake off this one feeling. The one that you have been procrastinating on for 4 years now. The feeling you tried to push away but never could.

“So… are you going to confess to him…?” Your dorm mate asked as you helped her pack her things. You looked at her slightly confused by the sudden question. And then it clicked.

“Nah.” You gave a vague and straightforward answer, which was not reciprocated.

She turned and looked at you with her furrowed eyebrows. “What do you mean, ‘nah.’? How long are you going to keep lying to yourself?” She asks in a longing tone.

That last sentence hit. You halted all your movements and replayed those words in your head. Seriously, how long were you going to keep it a secret? How long were you going to keep gaslighting yourself into believing those emotions aren’t real? For how long are you going to hide away from your strong feelings for Chris?

It was a repeated cycle. The moment you would get some form of confidence, you would promise yourself or others that you would go and confess to him. But that never happened, of course.

And you blame your insecurity. Your paranoia. Your overthinking tendencies.

‘What if he hates me?’ ‘What if he thinks I'm stupid?’ ‘What if he rejects me?’ All going through your head as the long paragraph expressing your feelings for your best friend stayed unsent.

But a part of you justified that. What if he actually rejects you and then there’s this awkward tension that would always linger whenever you guys meet? Then you would have lost your dignity and a best friend.

You let out a deep sigh. And plopped on the pile of clothes laid out on the bed. “I really don't know, man… I really don't... fuckkk..." you rubbed your face with your hands.

“What is there to fear, girl… his rejection or the embarrassment?” She asks, crossing her arms.

“Both; I just don’t want to look stupid in front of him,” which was actually stupid of you to think.

You had this crazy-ass scenario where the moment you confessed to Chan, he would start yelling at you, disgusted, and call you a dumb bitch before spitting on you and walking away. Which was insane and stupid.

But for Chan it was different…

“Dude, you gotta confess to her, like actually call her up and ask her to meet somewhere,” one of his friends commented as they played Mario Kart on a beat-up old TV.

“You think so?” Chan added.

“Yeah man, it's high time; I think you should,” his friend said nonchalantly.

Chan thought about it. Maybe he should. What could possibly go wrong?

“Yeah… but I don’t know how to, though… and like… she has connections with people I'm close with too… Don’t you think it will be awkward once we break up?” He asked, expecting some hard advice from his friend.

“You live once, man; if you like that girl, then go for it. Ask her friend for advice on what to ask or something…” And that’s exactly what he did.

After 45 minutes of your dorm mate convincing you to go talk to him and confess your feelings, you agreed. What could possibly go wrong if you did?

“I’m telling you, just do it! Even if he rejects you, you could always ignore him afterwards; it’s not like you’re going to see each other after graduating, right?” She says excitedly, giving you some form of hope.

You nod, the same confidence building up.

“I’m going to do it.” You say with determination. Your friend squealed in happiness. She leaned in closer. “You know what would be crazier? If he called you right now. Like that would be the biggest omen-"

Your phone rang.

Yours and hers eyes go wide. You both glance at the screen together and see Chris’s name.

Like little girls, you both jump and scream in excitement before shakily picking up the call.

“Hello...?” Your voice was slightly out of breath.

“Oh hey, are you free right now? I've got something important to ask you…”

Your eyes widen at his response. Is this finally it?

You quickly reply. “Yeah… yeah… What's up? Do you like…want to meet up somewhere? I, too, actually wanted to say some things…” You ask, praying that he actually agrees.

“Oh? Yeah, sure… Let's meet at our usual place; how about that?” You could practically see his smile as he said those words.

You quickly said your goodbyes before turning off your phone and looking at your friend.

“It's time.” You say with playful seriousness.

“IT'S TIME?!” She responds with the same tone.

You get dressed in your best casual outfit, your hair and makeup slightly done, as you walk down the path and see Chan sitting on one of the benches, his one leg bouncing anxiously and his head looking around.

Once he spots you, he immediately rushes over to you with a bright smile. His curls softly bouncing and his cute dimples prominent on his cheeks.

“You came!” He said excitedly.

You smile widely and nod. “Of course! What's up? What did you want to say?” You ask cutting right through the chase.

He takes a deep breath.

Your excitement starting to bubble up.

“You know… I always wanted to ask you this”

Oh my god, you couldn’t believe that it was happening.

“And we have been friends for a really long time, and I trust you very much…”

Shit. No way. Is it happening?!

“I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to offend you…”

Offend you? What does he mean by that?

“You know you are friends with her and everything…”

Oh no. No way THIS was happening.

You held your breath as you waited for his final words, just hoping that he does not say what you were dreading.

“I really… I really like f/n…”

Your heart shattered. Your eyes went wide, and a shocked look was plastered on your face as you tried registering his words. Your mind went completely blank, and you couldn’t see or hear anything, just your heart beating extremely fast. That paragraph that you always wanted to say was quickly swallowed down back to where it belonged, you thought.

He continued rambling. But it was all muffled. Tears brimmed in your eyes, and you didn’t even realize he had stopped speaking.

“Y/n?” It was when he finally called out your name that you were brought back to earth. Your eyes fluttering before looking at his face. Trying not to cry.

“Is everything alright, y/n? You didn’t say anything…?” He asks with uncertainty. Searching your face to gauge your reaction.

“H-huh…? Oh, im sorry…” you mask a fake smile. “…I just- *chuckle* i just was in shock yeah cus…” your brain’s gears working over time to come up with a believable lie. “Cus… i actually thought you liked her and hearing it from you definitely confirmed that… haha”

You tried putting on your best front, but your body was shaking. Your eyes brimming with tears and your heart was… hurting.

And Chan wasn’t dumb. He knew something was wrong.“Are you su-“ Before he could continue, you cut him off, trying to get over the situation as soon as possible.

“So is that what you wanted to say..?” You ask kind of passive aggressive.Chan shook his head. “No… no… I just wanted advice… but are you sure you ar-“

“Advice?! Of course I can give them to you! I will send you an essay if needed!” You cut him off again, your voice unusually excited to cover up your pained voice.

He knew something was off but acted oblivious, not wanting to press the topic more. He opened his mouth to speak, but you cut him off again.

“So yeah, I will send you some advice and tips on asking her out. if you need anything else, im just a text away got it?” You try to keep the atmosphere normal. You put on a tight lipped smile as you looked at chans confused expression.

It was unlike you to cut him off so much. He wanted to know why-

“I will see you around then.. i gotta go now.. I have some packing to do..” you say as you start walking backwards, the tears finally starting to spill but you hoped with your distance chan never saw them.

Chan looked at you, still confused and slightly stunned at your behavior. He knows something is wrong, but he also knows you’re stubborn and won't say anything to save your face.

He let out a deep sigh as he watched you turn around and walk away, not even being able to say goodbye or ask what you wanted to say.

You couldn’t believe what just happened, honestly. Your tears were uncontrollably flowing down your cheeks, and it was making you mad. You prepared for his rejection too, but why did it hurt? Was it because he is in love with someone close to you or because he didn’t choose you? It shouldn’t be like this. This is not the script.

All kinds of emotions ran through your brain. Humility. Dejection. Worthlessness. It was a mess. All those years of pining. Just gone with a single word.

If only Chris knew.

A/N: IM SOERY FIR THE AMOUNT OF CHAN FICS AHHH 😭😭 anyways this was supposed to be a short drabble but i got carried away. Lolz. Inspired by ariana’s end of the world so listen to it while reading <3 tysm for reading!! HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRR

[venjras]

MIND GAMES - SUKUNA.

same as the one before only for sukuna this time. enjoy. nsfw : slightly exhibitionism, dirty talk, fingering, dry humping, use of pet names, mention of alcool.

you felt on top of the world tonight, you could feel the electricity running through your entire body. heading to the bar where your boyfriend was waiting for you with his friends, since you were early for your date with your bestie you had decided to stop by for a quick hi. after all, it had been a while since you had last seen the boys.

you would have recognized your boyfriend's pink hair from miles away, sitting with one arm resting on the couch, shirt unbuttoned and a bold smirk as he talked to the others. it still seemed unreal that he was your boyfriend. sigh, entering his vision and immediately gaining his full attention. his gaze was quite literally setting you on fire, making it really difficult for you to walk properly towards them. “oh, oh, look who's back.” it was gojo’s voice greeting you, bringing you back to the real world. in the meantime sukuna had stood up, immediately putting an arm around your waist and stealing a small kiss from you.

“hello, my love.” his deep tone ran straight down your spine, creating a flock of butterflies in your stomach that made it hard to breathe. trying not to show it, settling next to him, taking off your jacket and leaving it abandoned next to your body, leaving your fit completely expose.

a flowing mini skirt that reached just above your mid thigh, a black shirt tucked into it, extremely tight, mid-knee boots and as a final touch hanging from your neck was the necklace he had given you for your anniversary. shiny. “didn't think you'd miss me that much, don't worry it won't happen again.” you said sarcastically, greeting megumi, yuji and suguru sitting around the rest of the table. they all adored you and it was a mutual feeling, right from the start you had found a really good connection and after all they had turned out to be such precious friends for him so it couldn't have been otherwise.

speaking of the devil, he hadn't taken his eyes off you for not even a second. his arm was stretched out behind you, his hand caressing the back of your neck. he always needed some form of physical contact, even small and this thing had always driven you crazy. it made you weak, slowing down any logic and rational thought. putting you under a spell. you were all lost in talking, chatting about the news and joking animatedly. after half an hour you glimpsed your friend and stood up to hug her immediately. the skirt had risen up a bit, giving a dizzying view to the pink-haired man who couldn't help but lick his lips. just enough to tease him a little. tonight you felt inspired, you wanted to provoke him and maybe end up bent over in the back of his car. obviously the view was simply reserved for him, behind you all was the wall and it was something calculated to perfection. putting on your coat, bending a little to greet him with a kiss and finding his hand on the back of your thigh, caressing the naked skin with his fingertips. “i'll take you home, hmm? have fun, babydoll.” and so he let you go, your head spinning and your friend's words sounding all jumbled together.

the hours passed quickly, between one drink and another, not enough to make you drunk but enough to make you feel lightheaded. however, the feeling in the pit of your stomach had not abandoned you, in fact it had only increased. now you were in the car with him, in the passenger seat, you two were driving your friend home. and once you were alone, silence had fallen, but it was a silence full of desire, as if there was no need to speak to know what was going to happen soon. very soon. “baby.” you turned your head towards him, reaching out to caress his hair. “i really, really need you ‘kuna.” the words had come out fluidly before you could even think about them, your voice full of need, of desire. taking his hand, already resting on your thigh, bringing it even higher until it collided with the edge of your panties.

the car suddenly stopped, luckily you were on a not very busy street and almost immersed in nothing but pitch black so it was rare for other cars to pass by. in no time you were on top of him, his mouth attached to yours, drinking you up desperately. hands squeezing your ass, pushing you down on his clothed erection, making you feel how much the whole situation was anything but indifferent to him. moaning against his lips. starting to move your hips against his cock, panting as you felt how hard he was. “need you so bad.” your voice was needy, pulling away from him just so you could look at him with pleading eyes, thinking that you could easily come just by seeing him with labored breathing and messy hair, totally fucked.

now he had you turned, back against his chest and the car visor lowered so you could see yourself in the small mirror. legs spread, blushing violently at the thought of being completely exposed to his merce. “you wanted to play, then let's play.” he said huskily in your ear, making you want to clench your thighs together in search of some relief but being stopped by his hands that kept them well spread. “sukuna.” your voice was begging him, lifting your hips slightly as one of your hands went back, squeezing his dark locks, not thinking you could resist any longer. you needed him to touch you right now. “what a messy girl.” he quipped at the way your thighs seemed to spread wider at those word, your impatience made him feel lightheaded. his fingers stroking softly along your wet folds through the panties' fabric. his breathing fanned along your neck and his lips curled when you shuddered into him, drinking in the twitch of your thighs and the muffled whimper slipped from your lips when he collected your slick, trailing it up to ease the first roll of your clit.

he watched your hips twist under his touch, making him press down on the sensitive bud harder before he's finding a pace and rubbing at you with two fingers. your hands grabbing at his forearm with every sinful circle of his fingers against your cunt, whimpering needily against his body and it's almost like you re begging him not to stop, and that only drives him to press into you even harder, more eagerly as he get lost in the way your lips part to moan when he finally sinks his fingers into your pussy. penties finally pulled to the side.

“so fucking wet, my pussy it's always so ready f' me.” he groaned, his tone wavering with the weight of his arousal. he took a handful of your breast through your shirt, grinning when he realised you ve decided to go out without a bra tonight, rolling and twisting at the sensitive peak as you whimpered. “such a dirty girl.” sukuna’s words were heavy, only making the slick between your legs intensify, making it easier for him to sink his fingers into your tight walls, pressing them against the swollen, sensitive spots inside of you with every practiced twist of his wrist. your clit was getting puffier, more swollen with each graze of his palm against it and he couldn't help but pull out of your cunt to rub your slick around it. so so sensitive to his touch.

“ s — sukuna.. ” you gasped, trying desperately to muffle your moans when you looked over to cast him a starry-eyed look, one that lured him in for a kiss that made the whole car spin as his other hand rolled your sensitive nipple between his thumb and forefinger. drinking in your next languid moan of his name, licking into your mouth with such an intensity that made you gasp.

“that's my girl, fuck — ” your thighs trembled around him, breaking apart from the kiss wetly to let your head fall back against his shoulder. he kept up his movements, sinking his fingers into your clenching walls with every few swipes just so he could feel the way you were soon going to be squeezing around his length. letting you ride out your orgasm as you grabbed at him and your hips twisted and jolted with every rub of his fingers as they pulled back to roll your clit, prolonging your blissful state until you were pushing him away with a whimper and breathless pant. but he was breathing heavy from where his chin was pressed into your shoulder, grazing his lips along your jawline when he tapped on your clit. chuckling at the way the tiny aftershocks made you jolt before he gently tapped on your thigh.

you just could never win with him, you would always end up at his feet in the end. not only metaphorically.

©️ venjras.

[j0kers-light]

what would j do if frost mac or neo had the hots for y/n (or all of them🤭). maybe they're smart enough and respect j enough to not say anything but j can just..... tell

Hey hi anon!! 🖤✨

Oh boy 😬 Joker's Loyal three having the hots for Y/n? Of course J would tell. Nothing gets past Joker. Let's break this down by person anon!!

Frost knows better. He's Joker's right hand man so the audacity, the betrayal? (If you're into poly, Joker x Frost x Y/n would work) BUT Chaos drives the Joker is too possessive to share boat. SO! How dare Frost overstep his boundaries? Does he want to die? I mean...

I think Joker would accept it more if Frost just thinks you're attractive (I mean J can't blame him. You are insanely gorgeous, no hard feelings) however if it develops into something i.e Frost actively flirting with you or touching you... oh yeah Joker has to step in and shut things down real quick.

Bromance or not, no one makes a move on his Light. Joker would likely order Frost on an out of town mission as punishment and don't think you're off the hook. Oh no no no no. Joker knows all about your "8/10 would smash" comment about Frost. Expect long nights on your knees sis. Yeah take that L.

By the time Frost does returns from his exile months long mission, "Y/n who?" and you singing the same tune "Frost who?" since your pussy is tired from the beating Joker gave it. A little soreness outweighs Joker murdering his right hand man. Moving right along.

Mac is smart so you would think he would know better? Nope. His pretty boy ego blinds him to the fact that you're J's girl and that Joker Does. Not. Share. All it took was a flirtatious joke and a wink sent your way and Mac's fate is sealed. Strike one.

The blond learns his place real quick in the form of denied access to key systems. Goons whisper as he walks pass. Things feel off at the hideout and his position is called into question. Did Mac really think Joker was gonna let him holler at his girl and touch his money? Boy.. Strike two.

Mac is on thin ice and unfortunately he's caught red handed asking you "what you're doing later." You deny accountability (every person for themselves 🤷🏾‍♀️) you and stand off to the side to ensure that Joker doesn't kill his bookkeeper. Mac might be smart but he dumb at the same time. A gunshot is tame compared to what Joker really wants to do to the blond. Its a warning and Mac keeps a distance from you and doesn't speak to you unless its important going forward.

The boy is traumatized. When Mac becomes romantic with Morgana, Joker backs off but if Mac tries some mess again, RIP to a real one.

Neo is definetely the least loyal out of the three and it shoooooows. Neo canonly flirted with Y/n so.... this is kinda a spoiler of what's to come.

The first time Neo met Y/n he was flirting (he got off with a warning at the time since no one knew your connection to Joker yet) but then he pulled that stunt at your dinner party. Yeah. Neo had the game messed up from day one. That fboy mentality of his is gonna get himself killed. Has anyone heard from him since?👀 Moving right along.

So as for what Joker would do after Neo makes a pass at you? *Murder on My Mind by YNW Melly plays in the background* Jk🥴

I will avoid spoilers here. Just know that Neo is currently knee deep in his redemption arc. His punishment fits the crime and is important to the plot considering he almost ruined it with his foolery in front of your parents. 😤

I hope this answered your question anon! It was fun to fill. 🖤✨

[df-templates]

More so a vent post:

Something I ABSOLUTELY HATE when singlets come to us is when they mostly ask about "IS SYSTEM TRANSFER/HOPPING REAL?" I'm sorry but MF USE YOUR HEAD! I'm sorry if I'm being aggressive but THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THAT. mf do we look like computers? Do we look like plug n play virtual pets? MMMHMHMHMM no it's not that's absolute BULLSHIT. Ah yes Plug in that usb port into my brain and put it in the other systems brain yeah yeah yeah so real.

Then they're like "OHHHHH.... I think I was lied to." No fucking shit you were you're speaking to an endo, it's physically impossible to do that, it doesn't make sense. It's not like your alters live in a multiverse. We are identities, fragments that split off or formed due to trauma. endos need to shut the fuck up an accept the fact that they're not SEVERELY traumatized, they're not a system, they're delusional or just a plain ass attention seeker, that this ISN'T FUN, who are HARMING people who actually HAVE this god awful disorder, and spreading false information such as piece of shit shows like Split. Stop saying "system hopping!!" Stop treating our disorder like we're a fucking virtual pet computer. DID/OSDD is a TRAUMA response a way of the brian to FUCKING SURVIVE! There is so so SO much into this disorder that makes you want to fucking off yourself. "Oh I dissociate so I must have it" THERE ARE SO MANY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDERS. DID IS JUST ONE OF THEM AND TO THE EXTREME! DO YOUR RESEARCH, TALK TO ACTUAL SYSTEMS, DON'T FAKE A DISABILITY FOR ATTENTION, IF YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE DID/OSDD GO. GET. PROFESSIONAL. HELP. GO GET HELP. GO GET DIAGNOSED, GO. JUST GO! This isn't fun, this isn't quirky, stop treating DID/OSDD as some grand thing because it's hell, it affects your everyday function in life. Stop spreading misinformation around. Endos are NOT real. Stop Saying bullshit that's not true, stop saying BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. System hopping, like fuck off. Honestly. And I fucking heard this shit too "you're not a system you don't have fictive you have only 2 alters" OH-OH. OKAY. MAYBE YOU'RE THE ENDO HERE. DID/OSDD IS HAVING 1 EXTRA OR MORE ALTERS AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE FICTIVE IF YOU ARE ADHD/AUTISTIC FICTIVES ARE MORE LIKELY TO SPLIT OFF DUE TO DEEP CONNECTION. If you believe that you have to have fictives and 50+ alters to be system you just gave yourself away that you're an endo. That system we know has 2 other alters that went DORMANT that were brain made not a fictive split. They are still a system. I'm- honestly, what the fuck is wrong with these people??? Honestly??? I honestly fucking can't. ~ ⚠︎

[animehouse-moe]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

You're all good! This is the first time I've been asked this. I'm usually terrible with favorites so I always feel like I don't pick the "best" in hindsight, but I'll try to be as accurate as possible. These will also be in no particular order since they all occupy such different areas.

(edit: I just realized in my incredible morning brain state that this said male or female, but I only read the female part haha. So this is just the female lineup, I guess).

Iwakura Lain - Serial Experiments Lain

Lain's a character that has, and will always remain enigmatic. Subjectivity and personal experience remain intertwined with works like Serial Experiments Lain, so what each individual takes away from it will change. Personally, what makes me love Lain is her desperation to communicate, to connect with the people around her. To make friends, to do fun things with them, to understand the people that comprise her life. But that desire spirals, she gets absorbed (like so many do) and becomes something else entirely. Fracturing and separating herself, spreading those instances across the internet in a desperate way to connect. For existing prior to essentially all forms of social media, it depicts the struggle and addiction that trouble countless people in freakishly accurate fashion.

Iwakura Mitsumi - Skip and Loafer

Had to put them next to each other on this list haha. Iwakura Mitsumi though. I don't hate the approach of a lot of Shojosei in terms of high school slice of life/romance, but I find much more to love with the more grounded ones than the more fantastical, just a personal preference. Anyways, Mitsumi. She's just the perfect representation of high school life. A dash of confidence, a good bit of deep seated anxiety, lots of stress over school and friends, but a positive and hopeful outlook in spite of her stumbling and struggles that's wonderfully accented by blossoming feelings of love. She just occupies a space that is very rare these days, so of course I love her.

Ryougi Shiki - The Garden of Sinners

Okay, hot take since (spoiler) Saber's not going to be on the list. I just haven "completed" Saber's story if that makes sense. I've read a lot, experienced a lot, but I haven't gotten 100% of it like I have with Shiki. That said, Shiki's story. I mean, as a character they're so damn hard to really capture. After all, there's more than one of them, and their story is told through the experiences of others. Shiki as a character, and The Garden of Sinners as a series, just holds a special place in my heart as Nasu's first real creative work that remains untethered by the requirements of a visual novel. If Nasu's work on the VNs is the base level, then The Garden of Sinners stands a cut above from start to finish.

Hatsuseno Alpha - Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou

A robot that is startlingly human, but surprisingly childlike. Alpha was is just the perfect vehicle to experience YKK through. Vast understanding and interest, but meaningful naivete and curiosity. She explores a world peacefully accepting its death, and is able to pull such beautiful moments from it. She doesn't struggle or bemoan the end, but rather takes it in stride and focuses on the beauty of humanity, how it's adapted, what's been lost and what's been created in its stead. It brings it all together under this character that is so deeply passionate about exploring life even under these circumstances, that you can't help but feel an indescribable warmth in her story.

Biwa - Heike Monogatari

Okay, maybe I'm cheating a little bit with Biwa here, but it's just a character that I think is incredibly beautiful. Witnessing the murder of her father, she's taken in by a clan doomed to death, where a man possesses a similar ability to Biwa. Together, she struggles to create the family she never had, all the while forced to come to terms with their deaths. She fights tooth and nail to keep them alive, but her attempts are futile. In the end, she is given her adoptive father's ability and completes what one might call the "cycle". Seeing life and death, the eternal struggle that will never change, she experiences her life, her family, her future and past to its fullest, and commits her life to telling the story of the Heike that she was so fond of. It's a beautiful story centered around Biwa's experiences, and her fear of death and not having a family, truly wonderful stuff. Also Aoi Yuuki kills it as Biwa.

Kusanagi Motoko - Ghost In The Shell

This was baby's first big kid series for me. I'd always watched anime here and there, but mostly things like Bleach/Naruto/DBZ. Ghost in The Shell was the first really big series I'd dip my toes into via those 4 minute YouTube videos at 480p. Kusanagi's nature as the bridge between technology and humanity is endlessly explored and just such a great idea, that through the countless (good) iterations, there's a wealth of her to experience. Undoubtedly an iconic series, and one that's certainly remembered very fondly by me.

Kirigoe Mima - Perfect Blue

Mima's an incredible character driven to the psychological breaking point. Under the scrutiny and pressure of being an idol, the facade begins to crack and what seeps out from the gaps is nothing short of incredible. Satoshi Kon remains a wizard in what he did with his works, and for me, Mima's character in Perfect Blue is the pinnacle of that. An implicit story of the stress and strain placed on idols (and the entertainment industry at large) by those that string them up and sell the souls of these girls, Perfect Blue and Mima remain in a realm of their own in a lot of ways.

Nozomi - Sonny Boy

Well as they say, the proof is in the pudding, and the pudding in this case is Nozomi's name. Translating from Japanese it means "wish" or "desire" in English, and is the personification of Nozomi's role in Sonny Boy. As close to a catalyst as one can be, she spurs on the wishes of the characters around her, providing the foundation for our main character Nagara to grow and develop. In the end, the desires of each individual can be connected to Nozomi, even in her death. She's arguably more central to the plot of Sonny Boy than Nagara, so of course I see her as a deeply special character.

Kamikoshi Sorawo - Otherside Picnic

A somewhat different pick to help round out the list. Sorawo Kamikoshi, and Otherside Picnic at large, are certainly things that I don't think most people would fall in love with. But I did. The vitriol that her character expresses, the toxicity and self hatred and destruction. Her character is a very damaging and "bad" one, but that's what I love about it. There's no grand scheme behind Sorawo's personality, or any ideal that her character chases. She follows the whims and curiosities of her life as she willingly casts herself into the abyss of the Otherside alongside Toriko, and along the way, she learns to slowly grow and improve as a person while maintaining her core personality.

Osaki Nana - Nana

The duality of Nana as a character is just so well done to me. A character with two sides isn't anything special, but I think the way that Yazawa approaches her as a character, and introduces those cracks in her façade and the struggle that they represent is just really, really good. It has me really desperate for Yazawa to return from hiatus and continue on with Nana.

And that's the list. I know I've left off characters like Tohru or other massively popular (and well written) leads and characters from shojosei series, but a lot of what I desire out of a character can't quite be found in a lot of what ends up popular and translated (and what I tend to remember) I feel. If you take a look at the list, for example, you'll find that the majority of my favorites are from older series, as well as ones that feature more "tragic" or "twisted" characters. Personally, I find a flower most beautiful after you've understood how it's wilted and withered before it fights to bloom once more. Endless blooms that grant an eternal summer are undeniably beautiful, but that beauty tends to lack context and in turn can become simplicity. So that's my list, as imperfect and everchanging as it is. If I'm asked once more in a year, it will probably look startlingly different, but that's how these things will go with me.

[acourtofthought]

Can you provide me with the chapter and page number proving Elriel is a canon couple, or an interview? Oh wait, forgot Elriels have a special edition only they have access too and exclusive interviews only they watched.

The amount of comments from them calling them a canon couple is so cringe.

Az and Elain are not together.

Az and Gwyn are not together.

Elain and Lucien are not togeher.

It's really not hard to understand where these character stand in the book. Each one are single. Sure, Elain and Az are physically attracted to one another BUT Az never, not once confirmed he felt anything for Elain besides lust, if someone thinks lust is all it takes to make a relationship work, I highly suggest they seek therapy, and I speak from experience as someone who at a young age struggled to deeply connect with a man beyond sex. It doesn't last. Lust only gets someone so far. I was young, naive, I always was used to men looking at me solely for my looks, I used to think it was enough, it never was. Overtime, I realized how unhealthy it was. That is why I see what Elriel for what is, what SJMs intentions are. What she meant to convey in the bonus, because she's also done it in the past. If two people can't connect emotionally, it's doomed. His interactions with Elain and Gwyn are polar opposite and the one with Gwyn is a foundation to a strong friends to lovers trope.

And I don't care what Elriels say, I've read the books more than once; there is NO dialogue between them that forms a deep emotional connection. Talking about gardens?? . It's SMALL talk. Elain doesn't share her hopes, dreams, pain, anger, or anything about who she is with him and this is a book, if it's not on page it didn't happen. And Azriel confirms per canon she doesn't know him either, so he's never once opened up to her. He avoids her. So there is really nothing they know about one another, it's all surface level.

Sarah is very intentional with her writing, she gave us insight into Az revealing more about himself to Gwyn in one page than Elain in 4 books.

Not to mention, SJM continues to set up Elain and Lucien on a parallel journey. Their plots are intertwined. If they can't see it, they are choosing to be ignorant.

CONTAINS TOG SPOILERS -

Calling E/riel a "canon couple" really comes down to interpretation of what someone's definition of a relationship is.

So maybe they're not wrong based on their own interpretation while someone else who does not feel E/riel meet the criteria would be correct in theirs.

Some might feel canon equals any relationship a character has had with another while others consider canon "endgame" or at least a verbal commitment.

Were Celaena and Dorian a canon couple? They both had a crush on one another and kissed (similar to E/riel) but they never actually had a real relationship so I think if we did a poll there would be a divide.

However, canon couples don't really mean anything in an SJM book.

Feyre and Tamlin were probably a canon couple..... at one point.

Celaena and Chaol were a canon couple..... at one point.

Elain and Graysen were a canon couple...... at one point.

The only thing that matters is endgame couples and if all the above fell apart than canon doesn't mean a pairing is safe until their book is done.

And after the pov bonus chapter, even if E/riel were once a canon couple, I don't think they can be called that any longer considering Az left the manor house regretting nearly kissing Elain, she returned his necklace and they haven't spoken since Solstice.

If a couple has not communicated in months you cannot claim a relationship exists. There is no canon evidence that Elain and Az have spoken since his POV.

As it stands, the only canon thing at the end of SF (in regards to Elain) is that Lucien is still Elain's mate.

[void-botanist]

I have come to some conclusions about Marcus and his story that I think are going to pay off.

In AOM:

He and Horatio don't have a romantic thing going on but they are extremely cuddly friends which also makes them the perfect pair for Sid to misinterpret. Which I think is a useful setup for Sid's whole deal and also gives me the soft nonsense I desire

Sid probably still ends up hiding at Sorian's house but for any kind of long-term parent evasion he would have to go to Marcus's because his parents would never look there. Still looking for a good excuse to make that happen. Sid and Marcus should also be friends and not just in a "thanks for testing my hair dye" kind of way

In Marcus's own as-yet-unnamed story:

In previous versions his love interest was a Hallmark-movie businesswoman type who was learning to pay attention to her own needs and desires, so that when Marcus was forced to tell her his deep dark secrets it was like she was getting her hard-won happiness stolen away from her. But I don't want to write that anymore and I want a story that is more about both of them. So I present to you:

Love interest is the bat-eared fox shifter I mentioned earlier, named Heith (for now at least - I might change my mind but that was her name in the last version). They're a traveling punk singer who is touring Aephar. Probably they look badass as fuck when shifted because that's a lot of ear real estate for piercings.

As they start to form a romantic connection Marcus is constantly worried that she's not gonna like some aspects of his life that he's not willing to give up/compromise on, like the aforementioned friendship with Horatio. But she keeps being so chill about everything, like nothing is ever a problem to her, and he slowly accepts that maybe this whole "finding love in a faraway system" thing isn't so hard.

This was the end of their tour, but Heith keeps putting off going home and her band leaves her behind to go back to whatever island they came from (believe it or not Imni and Aephar are not the only islands on Rade). She doesn't seem bothered by this either. It starts to become clear (at least to the reader) that whenever things get hard, she just dips from relationships, but things haven't gotten hard with him yet.

But then (spoilers I guess?) a military escort ship arrives from Iecunem and Marcus has to explain that the general belief that he was escaping shitty parents or a shitty job or maybe even the law when he left Iecunem is only a sliver of the story. His awful manipulative mother is now dead, and he's the heir to her kingdom. Not only that, but he has multiple spouses there and multiple children that are legally considered his. He tries to explain the complexities of this and that he'll be right back after he goes to the funeral and abdicates to his sister, but it doesn't seem like Heith is going to wait that long to disappear.

And this time, no one would really blame her if she did. This is a lot of stuff to suddenly digest. But she's also been here long enough to have considered not just running away. At the eleventh hour she shows up at the warp station to join Marcus on his trip back to Iecunem. Horatio high key had not realized that Marcus had only intended to take one other person on this trip, but when Marcus insists that he stay and take care of their collective plants instead of going to Iecunem he's also kind of relieved because he doesn't really trust anyone else with them.

Shifters taglist: @outpost51 @kk7-rbs

[chipped-chimera]

Just wanna say sorry to people over the past month ... months? That tagged me in WIP Wednesdays, I'm sorry I haven't really been doing much of anything creatively, feeling kinda rough 💀 But thank you so much of thinking of me, I love seeing everything that you do!

Partial? Explaination/Life Update under the cut I guess.

Hi! Hello. First off, thanks for being interested. It warms my heart people care about me so much, that I've made an impact and people are happy to see my stuff. I wish so badly I could be making stuff like this all the time! Doing those things (whether art, or modding or just my dumb screenshots) and seeing people enjoy what I was making really got me through the hardest parts of this year.

This year has been a massive turning point in many ways. It just hit me I MADE this blog this year like, holy shit guys! I've felt so welcome in the Cyberpunk 2077 space and consider a lot of people my friends, whether we talk outside Tumblr or not. I'm just so happy to see your posts and your thoughts! 💖 For someone who just through how life shook out to end up really socially isolated irl, you guys have helped form the bedrock of a place I can come back to that always makes me feel better.

It's why I wish I did more. That I could contribute to that more and in turn, maybe help someone else as much as it helped me. But it's hard. Really hard.

I have realised a lot of things about my life in recent months, and I think it's a good sign - that I'm in a more solid place mentally to unpack things that have been sitting boxed up for years because I was just too exhausted to deal with them. They've both been great to unpack ... but painful at the same time. It's kind of in moments like these my passion to create things starts to suffer. It's hard to muster up enough motivation sometimes to just do what I want to do because I'm constantly struggling with a brain and body that just doesn't do what I want it to do - and that fact often makes me feel even worse and want to do even less.

I'm kind of stuck in one of these spirals at the moment. I have some idea of the way out but ... I don't know. This might be a period of grief for myself or something. It took me a long time to realise I'd been lying to myself about a lot of things - stuff I'd did out of necessity for survival at the time, basically becoming water and pouring myself into whatever mold I thought would be safe, that people would like me in. Online spaces, that I carefully curate, detached from any real-life connection have been my home in the absence of feeling myself for so long - especially as the world around me shrank.

I'm hoping in the new year, as me and my psychologist start working on the C-PTSD that apparently had roots way, way deeper than I could even imagine - things might get easier. I'm hoping like hell that maybe my fatigue is connected, that it'll ease - because to finally, finally be in a place with a supportive parent who is attentive and I have the words to explain what I need, and for that to be respected - to finally be myself - only to be held back by my brain and body because the damage went so deep I just can't is agonizing.

I'm gonna keep believing that this is just the bottom of this mountain, this turn around point. It's gotta be, I feel like my entire life has been leveled. And I know it's not going to be easy to climb back up there, repair the damage, get where I want to be. I don't even know if I'll get to where I want to be but ... at least I'll be myself. For the first time in my life.

So um. Thank you. For being around. For being my foundation through this. Wish you guys all the best for 2024, and I hope I'll be able to share more cool things with you soon 💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

Kery

[arakawa-division]

Ivelisse's Thoughts on Toyama Division

Asato Rikiya

"Asato-kun. If I had to describe him, I'd say he's much like a tree: silent, strong, deeply rooted in his land,” Ivelisse says with a gentle nod. "I respect that connection to the earth. It's grounding, it's real. There's wisdom in working with your hands, in growing something from seed to fruit. It's a form of meditation, a way to harmonize with nature. I can relate to that."

"Also, we both know what it’s like to struggle with expression, to find the right way to show what's inside. It's not easy when your face doesn’t always reflect your heart. It's something I've struggled with since I was a teenager. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who struggles with that."

Yano Ietsuna

"Yano-kun. His work is a testament to the beauty that can be shaped from heat and breath," Ivelisse says, her voice reflecting a deep appreciation for his craft. "I've seen his creations, delicate yet vibrant, each piece a story told in glass. It's a reminder of the balance between strength and fragility, something I strive to maintain in my own life."

She pauses thoughtfully before continuing. "His emotional nature... it's something I understand very much. The heart can be as transparent as glass, revealing our deepest feelings to the world. I don't see it as a weakness; rather, it's a sign of his genuine spirit."

"Perhaps... perhaps I should extend an offer to him to join my yoga classes. The practice could offer him a sanctuary, a place to find equilibrium. Yoga teaches us to embrace our emotions, to flow with them like molten glass, and to find peace within the heat of the moment."

Kensaku Morimoto

"Kensaku-sensei, he was the first from Toyama I met. His guidance on managing my medication has been invaluable. It's difficult, you know, to accept that kind of help. It... it feels like admitting a vulnerability." Ivelisse looks away, forlorn for a bit before looking back at the camera. "But Kensaku-sensei, he has this way of making it easier, less like a weakness and more like just another step towards wellness."

"As for his habit on telling puns, I have to admit, they're... quite terrible. But there is a certain charm to them. It's a reminder not to take life too seriously, to find joy in the little things. As for his memory issues, it's hard not to feel a pang of sympathy. We all have our battles, some just aren't as visible. I hope he finds the answers he's looking for. In the meantime, I'll be here, offering support, maybe even a bit of yoga to help clear the mind. We're all on this journey together, after all."

ECO BooN

"If I had to describe this team, I'd say they're like a garden in full bloom. Each member a different species, each with their own color and fragrance. Together, they create a harmony that's both vibrant and soothing. Asato-kun grounds them, Yano-kun adds a touch of whimsy, and Kensaku-sensei brings a healing touch. They're a team that embodies growth and resilience. In the Division Rap Battle, they'll be a force of nature. I believe they’ll surprise many, just as the quiet seedling eventually towers over the garden wall."

[loveless-scribes]

✨🛒👀🥺🤩🎉🌞🎢

Oh, wow! That's a bunch! Thanks so much for sending the ask, let's dive right in! <3 ✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉 This is hard, especially right now because I'm really struggling with my writing. My ideas aren't clear and I feel like they don't line up with one another or that the tone shifts abruptly because the way I'm feeling has changed between one writing session and the next. I guess I hope that my writing makes people FEEL things. That's my main goal most of the time. And I think I'm pretty good at surprising people, too. So, to put that in compliment form I think I'm alright at conveying emotions and I have a knack for those plot twists. XD 🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc. I feel like I'm always writing about death even when I'm not planning to, it just kind of works its way back in there. Also, I guess another common theme would be the deep connections that people can form with one another, against all odds, against their better judgement, and sometimes even to their own detriment. I guess that's a hopeful theme in a way, people staying even when you're sure they'll walk away. Also, my protagonist needs to be a little messed up in the head. Anything else is hard and boring to write. I love writing crazy people and then humanizing them to the reader. 👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! Barring AM spoilers, and the Sukuna fic I teased about on my alt, I want to write a short story about a world where voluntary self-elimination is both legal and readily accessible. The idea's been floating around in my head for a while - what that would look like, what the logistics around it would be, how friends and family would react, the inevitable desensitization towards death. I do hope to get that one down sometime soon because I'm really inspired to write it. 🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? I think I hinted at this already, but I love it when one character is sure the other is going to leave them, but they don't. Not even necessarily in a romantic sense. It could be a friendship, or a parent-child relationship or what have you. Just that feeling of, "I've gone too far, it's over" but it's not, because that person would never leave. Staying by each other's side whether or not they understand the full context. Not even necessarily needing the context to know that they're on your side. I guess that's why it's a recurring theme in LS's relationship.

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write? This used to be an easy "Levi, hands down - all day, every day." But lately, Slayte has become my favorite. Especially with her current struggles in the story, I just have a soft spot for her and the stuff she has to go through, I guess. She's also the character that most meets my "crazy protag" criteria, so there's that. 🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? When people tell me I made them cry. It sounds mean, but there's no better feeling. That's when my inner critic has no choice but to shut up because OMG THEY SHED REAL TEARS. (I've defo cried, too, while writing AM so no worries.) 🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write? When everyone is either asleep or out of the house. Early mornings are the best, but work always gets in the way. I would be better able to answer this question if I wasn't so tired all the time. ^^

🎢 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride? I think it's the Sukuna darkfic duology on my alt @azureashes. It's just so crazy and out there. Idk if I would consider AM a "wild ride" since it definitely has its wholesome and comforting moments. I actually think hurt/comfort is a huge theme in AM. Maybe we should add it to the tags. Thanks for the ask, Anon! <3

[icharchivist]

What I really liked about Heart of the Sun was the aspect that immortality is a fundamentally miserable experience. I know Granblue has been pulling that tooth for years now, with Belial himself being arguably one of the first people to voice that thesis, but yeah

Your body may live on, but your personality, you yourself and all your memories fade and so you do end up dying, piece by piece, day by day

It's the true death of self, yet you can't stop, because your body keeps trudging on

It's a real Ship of Theseus situation that's very fascinating to think about

I guess that part isn't as pronounced with primals, but the Phoenix shows what Belial has been implying, you just can't fucking form bonds with people for fear they'll crumble to dust in your hands and so you end up isolating yourself, because you don't want to go through grief every couple of decades

The Phoenix doesn't even see people as people, we're basically insects to her, because she exists on a fucking planetary timescale

Something about it's better to have loved and lost, but these people have decided that they don't want to deal with those emotions altogether and so fully close themselves off from forming connections

The person Belial is truly attached to us Lucilius, an Astral, who's also technically immortal, or at least would have lived for many centuries more if it weren't for Lucifer

I'm rambling, but it's fascinating to think about

No yeah i 100% agree with everything you say.

I think it's a really interesting deep dive on immortality, that, yes, has been kinda hinted at before, but it's really there that we see the full consequences of it.

Like, we've had Belial's suicide rant, we've had Cosmos's own agony, there was also Baldr's whole plot there as well... but all of them, by being primals on a timescale of 2k years, were more about personal feeling, and also something that Satyr in CBTSLBTS also comments on about how, since there's a lot of immortal primals who know the same pain, maybe they can live in together.

Belial held on to Lucilius, and while he doesn't say it i'm sure Beelzebub was a constant in his life. Maybe Lucifer was too in some way. Cosmos had Lucifer at some point, she also had Yuni, all of that.

But i think really showing us via Abramelin just how horrible eternity can be was the best way to really drive home how viseral it felt. I think even more so since Abramelin doesn't have a body which was made for eternity, compared to the primals, so his brain would deteriorate with time as well. And unlike the primals who at least have each other, he doesn't have anyone just like himself to compare to.

Like, the others primals who hate their eternity still feel the agonizing part of it all -- but it was interesting to see on a Skydweller scale just how visceral it is all about.

And likewise about Phoenix. It's something we discussed a few time here about Astrals and how their immortality makes thing easier for themselves so they don't rely on one another. In a sense, Phoenix has the same logic, but on her own personal scale, so she cannot process how any of this should matter to her. The Omnipotent is the only being she can match in time. So of course eventually after million of years knowing everyone has a shorter lifespan than yours, why would you even bother yaknow.

it's really fascinating and i really love how Granblue asks us to think about how the lives of those immortals suck in their extremely fantasy way. Like the primals who are programmed with a purpose that they will seek to fill no matter how they feel about it, or immortality and its consequences. It's not things that are directly relatable (not as 1-1 thing, obviously as metaphor they can be), but Granblue really ask you to think hard about how those things would impact those being.

I find it so effective and i love it so much. It was a fascinating event to read on that regard.

[writerracha]

hey, what are ur general thoughts on what jisung would be like in bed? dying for some hard but soft ji

ooh that's a good question. 🥺 i mean ofc i can't pretend to know, i don't really know him, and i would never pretend to, but... here's what i feel it is. just my imagination 💕

jisung loves love. he loves it in all its forms, in hugs and cuddles and kisses, he's all love. so lovemaking means something to him i think. it's something meaningful but at the same time it's not life or death. jisung likes to have fun, sex with him is full of giggles and laughs, of bumping heads and pulling hair accidentally. he needs sex to be fun, too. trust is crucial and trust means he's comfortable, which means he's going to be a little cheeky. maybe shy, maybe awkward, but there's definitely fun. there's a real bond, there's a connection, and it's felt so intensely. he takes his time, makes sure you are comfortable. he is communicative but he can get really into it, his face showing everything, distorded in pleasure. he is vocal that's for sure. asks questions. appreciates you. tells you how good it feels. he isn't afraid to moan and breathe. his eyes tell everything when they are open, and he loves eye contact. sex is done together. and jisung smiles. he loves seeing you like this, in his arms, breathing and panting, and nothing makes him happier than your pleasure... so he grins, he smiles, because you're so beautiful and he loves being there with you. he's soft but he has great body control... so his thrusts are sharp, deep, each of them measured. until he is close to coming, then the man loses control a little... but he's going to stay close to you, to stay with you, hold your hand, kiss you, bury his nose in your neck. i think his skin gets very warm. very twitchy after he cums. he loves it when you cum together, too. nothing more poetic and beautiful to him. he likes to try things. he's intrigued by new sensations, new techniques. he is inspired by lovemaking, too. what is this connection? what is this feeling? i might be getting away from myself but yeah. this boy loves fun sex. he loves soft sex. but that doesn't mean he's not going to fuck your brains out... and then tease you about it. 🤭 sorry this is so chaotic andjskd but these are my random thoughts!!

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: The Cutthroat Countess by Minerva Spencer

3.75/5. Releases 10/24/2023.

Vibes: romance with a side of espionage, a totally in love hero, "a motley crew of oddballs" sensibilities, and light assassin feels

Blade expert Josephine Brown never stays in one place long, and doesn't form deep relationships. But now that she's a partial owner of Farnham's Fantastical Female Fayre (think a traveling circus full of dangerous ladies) connections are becoming difficult to avoid. Particularly her connection with Elliot, an agent for the Crown who quickly falls head over heels for her. As the two work together on a dangerous assignment, Jo finds Elliot increasingly hard to resist--while he's determined to know her secrets.

With a good dose of plot (often having to do with Napoleonic shenanigans), the Wicked Women of Whitechapel series is entertaining and always sexy, with a spin on historical romance you don't see often. I really enjoyed the chemistry and interactions between Jo and Elliot--but I do feel like you might want to read the first two books ahead of this one.

Quick Takes:

--One thing I like about this series is that the heroines tend to be a bit on the jaded side, regardless of age. They've been around the block, they've been emotionally (and usually physically, thanks to their dangerous lifestyles) wounded in the past. This makes it totally believable when they began physical relationships with their heroes without being able to emotionally commit. These are women who seize pleasure when they can get it, and find it difficult to resist indulging their desires.

Similarly, the heroes might be snarky, might be a bit dangerous themselves, might be frustrated with their heroines at points--but they also tend to be heroes that fall first and fall hard. You get that with Jo and Elliot. No matter how much she wants to resist falling for him, it's hard for her to do when he's just so smitten and so charming.

--Jo has a pet raven. His name is Angus and he is excellent. I love it when heroines have random weird pets; it's a quirk that I find particularly satisfying. Maybe the raven watched them have sex? Only God knows.

--There is an interclass conflict, and I do love an interclass conflict. However, at points it did feel like a bit of a rehash of the previous book's personal relationship conflict (separate from the larger suspense plot) which is "I shall not be your mistress, sir". The thing that makes it a little more baffling here is that Elliot is so clearly gone for Jo early on. So it's like--girl, I don't think he really cares if he comes from a wealthier family (and he's not even a firstborn son). He wants you.

--Additionally, I will say that while I enjoyed the relationship between Jo and Elliot and the larger mystery plot... Where I think this book suffered was in the overlapping with the two previous novels. Don't get me wrong, this works as a standalone, but considering how much this entwines with the previous installments... I don't know, I feel like you'd get more out of reading the series in order.

This kind of overlapping plot element can work, especially in romance. But when I compare this to say, The Duke Gets Even, a book that was the culmination of a four-novel buildup to the final couple--this book just feels a little two connected to its companions. It slowed the plot at points, because you'd have to get a catchup on what was happening. By no means did it hurt the story too much, but it was noticeable.

The Sex:

The sex scenes begin pretty early here, and they're great, and they really don't let up throughout the novel. Spencer has a real talent for writing a sex scene that's both quite carnal and quite emotionally satisfying. I really loved the way Jo and Elliot interacted with each other; from the beginning, you felt that she was technically giving him a lot, while emotionally remaining closed off. Over time, you feel that emotional connection strengthen, and that's reflected in the way they have sex. It's a smart writing choice.

While I think I preferred the previous books in the series a little more, The Cutthroat Countess is still a fun, satisfying read. Would recommend to anyone who wants to explore a more action-packed historical romance with a heroine whose skill set extends beyond the ballroom.

Thanks to Kensington and Netgalley for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[eastofedean]

Don't mind me Alec. Maybe I'm the one looking for something deep and honestly, it's hard to date or meet someone these days. I'm no good for Tinder. Share your experience later; I wish you luck! And I love reading your posts :)

very kind of you to go with alec just after one post sjdjdk (i don't think that one is gonna stick tho). I kinda agree? I do think it's difficult to meet people in the sense that everything has gotten so incredibly fast, and we rarely get the time to slow down and form connections. but I still think it's possible. I mean, I've met people online who still mean the world to me, even tho we don't talk anymore. I don't know how things are regarding serious romantic relationships because I tend to avoid those, for everyone else's sake. but deep and real relationships can happen and they do, they do.

thank you, anon! I think I'll need it lol and THANK YOU because that actually means so fucking much to me!

[pretentious-art-love]

Album Reviews #44 - Early Demos & Down Colorful Hill by Red House Painters

A friend who has been into Kozelek's music once talked to me about how once they tried to investigate how much of Kozelek's actions were connected with his music-making, but they eventually grew out of it because it felt rather harmful. To me, the truth is much simpler: you don't need to be an awful person to create harrowingly sad music, you just need pretty sounds. Red House Painters' music shines beautifully with an eerie gloom of pure sadness, but it also goes has a range from Post-Rock, which was just beginning to form at the time, to Dream Pop, Noise Rock, and even bits of Classical March or Midwest Emo. Don't be fooled, though; this is, first and foremost, an Indie Rock band focused on the art of sadness and the guitar. Moreover, Red House Painters were prime examples of the Slowcore genre, a sub-genre of Indie enchanted with downbeat melodies, slow tempos, and often minimalist arrangements. When all these elements meet with each other, the deep anguish and rage turn into a noisy guitar hidden in the mix, the drowsiness and melancholy turn into an ethereal guitar that covers the song, and the sobs and the remains of any will left turn into a simple acoustic strumming that never really ceases. I've always said that I have a very short attention span; my mind is constantly jumping around, craving stimulation. If an artist plays with different tempos and changes them throughout a song, that will always help my heart to latch onto your music. The fact that some Slowcore can go its way to sound out of tune also lends a surreal quality to the music; it's as if the world has been toned down slightly, as if things had lost a bit of their life. Mark Kozelek's tuning might have mastered sadness just like Robert Fripp's tuning has mastered madness. It is a dissonant sound that comes from the more noisy Post-Hardcore of the start of the 90s, but here it is used for something completely different thing than aggression, and I personally think its brilliant. Red House Painters can also create amazing songs with the crescendos of Post-Rock to produce eerie but intense pieces that speak to the deepest part of the soul, songs like 'Evil', 'Mother', or this version of 'Funhouse'. This type of music speaks to me much more than the evil or bleak crescendos of other Post-Rock music; an euphoric crescendo can always bring light to life, but I feel a sad and wicked crescendo never really ends, considering that when the song is over, the feelings remain.

Now, while I want to discuss is how this band went above and beyond other Slowcore bands in depicting sadness. I do not have the words for it right now, but it still comes to me as a strong need to describe the importance of this album, so I want to leave this whole text as a placeholder description of why it matters so much until I can come up with the terms, if I ever do. First, I don’t usually get too personal in my reviews, but one thing I feel is relevant to mention is that many people with mental struggles can end up feeling detached from their own world. For me for example, it is dysphoria with my body, or autism with the outside world. Trying to go unnoticed takes a lot of effort, while putting yourself on the spot doesn’t take anything at all, and people operate on different wavelengths, speak different languages, and think in different ways; the world just doesn’t feel real, and neither do you when you look at yourself. Even if you haven't felt this way, you might also feel detached from the world with how overbearing it is. You might be also looking for a place to belong, but there isn't a place, there isn't anywhere you can really go, and the world as we know it is hard to understand. Maybe you lost someone important to you, someone that kept you afloat. This is something anyone could experience. The music of this release turns into one of those mantras that helps me come into existence, where I can experience the world once again as I feel it. No Slowcore albums has come to replicate that, not even those by this band. In other music and in real life, the world already feels so bright, so intense. There are albums that can be even sadder or bleaker than this, but they can be so misty and hard to grasp that in the end, they just feel unreal like anything else in the universe, and so far, only this record has brought the world into reality. The color is drained out, the volume is lowered, the stream of thoughts is reduced while still not allowed to go astray; to me, this album describes reality as it appears to me. There are no overly saturated hues on it, just a very palpable depiction of what it is to be a ghost.

If you have ever felt not just sad but rather dead, as if you do not have any will to do anything, good or bad, happy or sad, if you just start to not feel anything and turn into a shell of a person, this album will make you feel like you are brought back into reality. It paints the world you are living in and makes it real. There is a funeral mood where this ethereal place of life, anguish and misery turn into one, leaving only happiness as an image that can be reached only with a lot of yearning; days go as easily as they come, and you walk without reason while pain turns into a frequent occurrence. '24' introduces us to lethargy, 'Medicine Bottle' is a song as vast as death itself, where sorrows come to transit and we experience them for the rest of eternity. This is one of the best songs to ever exist in the history of mankind. 'Japanese to English' depicts impotence, the crawling through the rest of the world unable to stand up anymore. 'Waterkill' is the bleakest of the songs and turns life into a march of doom, while on the other hand, the self-titled 'Down Colorful Hill' song turns this march into happiness, but a happiness that you can only see from really far away, it is acceptance of pain and feeling thankful for being merely capable of imagining happiness. In 'Michael', the happiness has been found, but this happiness is in a place that is merely imaginary, a place that either doesn’t exist anymore, or never will.

The reason I am reviewing this in the Early Demos Page and not in the Down Colorful Hill page is that there is more material to talk about here and I find it conceptually cohesive with the music of this released record. In short, there are two albums worth of music here, and two with distinct qualities to them, one is Down Colorful Hill and the other could be called… 'Funhouse'. The tracks of Down Colorful Hill (minus 'Lord Kill the Pain') are dismal and, as I mentioned, in their most happy moments they come across as simply listless, while the most heartbreaking moments feel incredibly unbearable. To push my narrative further, 'Lord Kill the Pain' is a song that has a completely different feel to the rest of the album; Mark didn’t want to include it since he felt embarrassed by it, but it was the producer who insisted on its inclusion. Most of this material appears on Disc 2 and if you consider Disc 2 as a collection of older pieces as another user said, it would track with Kozelek’s musical progression as well as the evolution of the music around these years. This makes sense if you see 'Lord Kill the Pain' as not a Down Colorful Hill song, but a Funhouse song. Also, as a bonus, you can add 'Waterkill' to it instead, which was released in studio quality through the Retrospective compilation, and that fits in the Down Colorful Hill world of mourning and wraith.

Now, about 'Funhouse', it consists of all the non-Down Colorful Hill tracks of the demos, minus 'Waterkill', of course, and plus 'Lord Kill the Pain'. I think that the whole feeling of 'Funhouse', this hypothetical record we are making, is a lot more playful and even more naïve than 'Down Colorful Hill', but just as 'Down Colorful Hill' showcases that disembodiment with the present when all your emotions have been withered away, 'Funhouse' showcases the 'embodiment' that we do where the self can only be happy and feel enthusiastic in a time and a place that doesn’t exist in reality, living stuck in a loop that only exists inside your head protected from the outside world. I have already talked about the crescendos of 'Evil' and 'Funhouse', but I think there is enough reasons to talk about the other songs on their own. 'The Bridge' has this enthusiastic happiness while feeling shy and ingenious in a way that is magical. 'Uncle Jo' is harrowing, in 'Headsore', these two feelings combine into something now unreal. 'Million + 8 Things' attempts to look into this enthusiasm again but it is already tainted by self-pity, only to let '21' learn to go through the motions with a despondent heart. Then 'Heart Attack', 'Lord Kill the Pain', and 'Strawberry Hill' come across as the most playful and funny; they might be the most polarizing of all the songs, but they have a true value to them thanks to their irony. People forget that with the bitterness that comes from sadness, snark can take place; these songs are like a playground for the dead. Also, just as the sound of 'Down Colorful Hill' is carefully crafted and designed with drenches of reverb, noisy solos, and the tender acoustic guitar, the sound of 'Funhouse' has a special sound as well in its demo and cassette quality; it indeed sounds like lost music, naïve music from who knows when or where, with a warm sound from a place recorded somewhere else in the world where things are just… different. This album is a piece of art that paints the world as I experience it; it sends you to the world of the dead but at the same time makes reality feel more tangible and discernible than ever before.

So now, what does 'Early Demos' have inside? I see that about those two things, being unable to exist with the present, and to exist only in places that aren't part of reality at all, whether was in a past that never happened, or a future that will never come. If you've ever felt the haunting presence of your own existence, I would say this music has a chance to resonate with you, probably like no other has ever done, just like with me. You can always replace the songs of 'Down Colorful Hill' versions as another person mentioned with the final ones; the sound in the final versions is very unique. By the way, if you were to separate this era of the band into these two hypothetical albums, with their own distinct feel, you could also do it like this:

FUNHOUSE

Evil

The Bridge

Uncle Jo

21

Million + 8 Things

Heart Attack

Lord Kill The Pain

Headsore

Strawberry Hill

Funhouse

Running time: 51 Minutes

DOWN COLORFULL HILL

24

Medicine Bottle

Japanese To English

Waterkill

Down Colorful Hill

Michael

Running time: 44 minutes

P.S. Considering that (just like with Waterkill) Uncle Jo has the recording of this bootleg available in good quality through the Retrospective compilation, you could might as well put it in Down Colorful Hill if you wanted, if it fits for you.

Please, take care of yourself, I hope that if you ever feel lost or gone, I hope that you know that, even if we never got the chance to meet, that I really love you, with all my heart.

9/10