#on another negative note my tv is now not working. one more thing that needs money. great

[arttsuka]

If I may- *ahem*

BEGONE FOUL PESTILENCE THAT PLAGUES OUR DEAREST ARTIST’S TOOTH! BEGOOOOOONE! WASHASHASHASHASHAA!!! 🪄🪄🔥✨✨

Thank you for trying to magic away my pain, greatly appreciated ✨️

[thetriumphantpanda]

two is better than one | joel & tommy miller

Summary | Frustrated that whatever you're trying to do still isn't working, you decide to give it one more try with Joel before cooling off for a while. Tommy is back to keep an eye on the both of you this time, but what happens when he starts to feel a little left out, watching his brother bring his girl over the edge more times than he cares to count?

Warnings | I swear I always start this the same way so here we go: Tommy getting cucked but also getting involved this time 👀, Joel being a fucking menace, dirty talk, oral sex (F&M receiving), face sitting, breeding kink, unprotected PiV sex, talk of infertility, no use of Y/N

Word Count | 3.8k

Authors Note | Whew. When I tell you this little threesome has been rotting my brain, I'm not lying. This is the only thing I can focus on, hence them being updated so fast! I just wanted to say a huge thank you to you all for the continued love you're giving this series - it honestly blows my mind every time that it's something you guys enjoy, that my writing reaches so many people and that they lap that shit up. I'm so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to comment, send me asks, reblogs and those who have slid into my DMs with all the love. I see you, I hear you, and I love you all - thank you. I hope you enjoy this next part just as much as the rest - it's a doozy. You know the drill, if you did like it, please consider reblogging, commenting or sending the love to my ask box, it's what keeps me going. And if you'd like to leave me a tip (of course no pressure!), then here's my Ko-Fi.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Another month and another fucking negative pregnancy test. You knew it was irrational, but you were starting to think that maybe you were also part of the problem now. You’d been doing everything right, following all the advice in the books you’d bought almost a year ago when Tommy and you had first started trying for a baby. You’d been exercising, eating as healthily as possible, tried to keep yourself a stress-free as possible. You’d been keeping a close eye on your cycle and still, nothing to show for it. 

When you clambered down the stairs, test in hand and flung it in Tommy’s direction, he already knew. He could see the heavy set of your shoulders, the quiet sniffling of you trying to hide the fact you were crying. Tommy had settled you on the couch, covered you in a blanket and made you some tea. Then he’d made your favourite meal for dinner, even driven to the store and picked up Diet Coke, emptied a can into a glass filled with ice and lime juice like you loved, but none of it really helped to soothe how upset you were. 

The TV was on low, and he had your head in his lap, slowly stroking the strands of your hair as you tried to calm yourself down. Remind yourself that even the most fertile of couples needed to try for months sometimes before they had their first baby. It was stupid to think you’d be any different. 

“You’re thinkin’ way too loud, sugar.” Tommy muses, letting his hand run up and down your arm instead. 

“Sorry,” You mumble, “Just thought it would be easier.” 

“I know,” He coos, “We can take a break for a while, if you want.” 

You turn so you’re led on your back, looking right up at him, “I just want a baby.” You feel a tear slip down your cheek to pool near your ear. 

Tommy uses his thumb to brush away the tears that have started to fall, bobbing his leg up and down gently to try and soothe you, “It’s still fresh,” He speaks softly, “Let’s give it a couple of days and see what you want to do, okay?” 

You nod in agreement, feeling the beginnings of a headache pooling behind your eyes. You push yourself up into a sitting position and turn around to press a soft kiss to his lips, “I’m gonna go to bed,” You announce, “Headache.” 

He lets you go, it’s still early and you know there’s the game highlights he wanted to watch. In bed, you can do nothing but toss and turn for a few hours. Every time you’d try to close your eyes, all you could see was vision of you and Joel, in all the different positions he’d put you in so far, and all for what? When the bedside clock hit 10:30, you head out to use the bathroom. As you near the door at the top of the stairs you can hear Tommy talking to someone, through the phone because his is the only voice you can hear. 

“I know, brother, she’s just really beat up about it,” You hear him say, “I don’t know how to make it better.” 

You lean against the closed bathroom door, wondering if perhaps you should leave Tommy to talk to Joel. There’s a pause where you can hear Tommy humming along to whatever Joel is saying on the other end of the phone. 

“I dunno man,” Tommy sighs, “You managed to knock Sarah’s mom up on a one-night stand, guess I thought it would be easier for you.” 

There’s another pause, then he’s speaking again. 

“No Joel, all of her tests came back perfect,” Another sigh, “I was always the problem.”

You’re about to push down the handle to go to the bathroom when Tommy speaks again, “I don’t know, maybe we should just cool it for a while, we’re all gonna work ourselves up otherwise.” 

You decide you don’t really want to hear the rest of the conversation. You sit on the toilet and let your face drop to your hands in frustration. Why couldn’t you just be normal? Why couldn’t you have been a nice, normal couple, having a baby in the most natural way possible? Why did this have to come along and fucking complicate everything? And why did Joel have to be so fucking good to you every time? 

You wash your hands under the tap, water as scalding as it could go, just in order to feel something that wasn’t frustration before you head to bed. There’s no longer the sound of voices as you pad back across the hall and get back into bed, shutting off the lights and curling onto one side, knees as close to your chest as you can manage to get them. It’s not long before you can hear Tommy shuffling around upstairs. He pushes open the bedroom door quietly, obviously thinking you’re already asleep. You can hear him undressing before he's slipping onto his side of the bed, pulling your body close to his under the covers as he spoons you. 

You let your own arm cover his over your waist as you lean back into the comfort of his chest, letting his breath fan across the skin of your shoulder as he presses a kiss to your skin. 

“I wanna try again,” You speak softly into the dark, feeling Tommy’s arm’s squeeze you tighter, “Once more and then we cool it for a while.” 

“You sure?” He asks into your ear, lips pressing to the sensitive skin behind your ear. 

“I’m sure.” You respond, turning around in his arms to capture his lips in yours. 

When the time comes to try again, it’s you who greets Joel at the door when he knocks. Tommy already upstairs and situated in the chair he had taken the first time you’d done this as a three. Joel leans down, lips just millimeters from your own, but instead of kissing your mouth, he places a soft kiss to your cheek instead. 

“Hello, darlin’.” 

You step up onto your tiptoes to press your own kiss to his face, just shy of the corner of his mouth – the kisses from last time still a secret between the two of you. 

“Evening handsome,” You smile, pulling away from him to close the door as he steps inside, “You ready?” 

“To give you what you want?” He smirks, “Always, pretty girl.” 

You feel that telltale heat flush across your cheeks as Joel pulls you into his side, hand dipping down to squeeze your ass over the fabric of the robe you’d thrown on moments ago. God, why did he have to be so fucking intoxicating around you?

You take hold of his hand in yours, leading him up the stairs behind you. Tommy was reading a book as you entered the room, folding the corner of the page before setting it down on the nightstand closest to the chair. You can’t help but snigger as you watch him and Joel give each other the typical male greeting of a curt nod of the head. 

You drag Joel by the arm to the foot of the bed, pushing his shoulders down so he sits on the edge. Then you take a step back and tug on the belt of your robe, letting it fall open and off your body to leave you completely naked in front of him. You watch his face as he trails those beautiful brown eyes over your body, letting out a low whistle of approval. 

“Beautiful as ever, darlin’,” He compliments, reaching out a hand for you to take, “But you’re worked up, ain’t ya? And not in the good way.” 

Your eyes flit to Tommy in the corner of the room, who has that smug ‘I told you so’ look on his face. You’d been itching for Tommy to arrange this since that ovulation test said you were in the zone, but Joel had been working away for the past two days, and now you were worried that if you didn’t hurry the fuck up, you’d miss your chance. 

Joel reaches out and puts his hands on the back of your thighs, pulling you into him, he’s looking up at you, pressing hot kisses to the skin of your tummy, “Gotta relax babygirl,” He moans, “I’m tryin’ my damned hardest, but you just gotta let nature take its course.” 

“Just frustrating.” You mumble. 

“I know baby, I know,” He’s got his hands palming your tits now, “Long as I need to, I’ll keep fillin’ you up, y’hear me?” 

Your breath catches in your throat and all you can do is nod as he moves himself back on the bed. 

Joel leans back on the bed, his head just shy of the pillows, “Sit on my face, pretty girl.” 

You’re almost embarrassed at how quickly you scramble yourself onto the bed, moving up to straddle his hips – even Tommy is chuckling from his chair. 

“Can’t get enough of Joel’s mouth on your pussy, can you, sugar?” He speaks in a low voice. 

Joel has his hands on your ass, guiding your naked body to hover over his face before his hands are slipping up to your hips to pull your cunt to his mouth. He wastes no time in getting straight to business, wide tongue licking stripes from your entrance, where he laps up your slick like a cat would cream, to those deliciously tight flicks of the tip of his tongue to your clit. You can hear him groaning into your pussy, your hand coming down to anchor itself into his hair to hold him still as you start grinding against his face. 

You can hear the obscene slurps that he’s making underneath you, it’s half the reason you think it takes you no time at all to reach the edge, because he fucking enjoys this just as much as you do, he loves tasting you, loves making you feel good and you can feel that, can feel it on his mouth. 

As you throw your head back as Joel’s tongue swipes perfectly across your clit, you catch Tommy in the corner of the room. He’s palming himself through his jeans as he watches you, your body writhing as his brother’s mouth brings you closer and closer to the edge. It wouldn’t hurt, would it? You think, if you asked if he wanted you to help him out. 

“You feeling left out baby?” You coo, reaching your hand out for Tommy to take, “Joel gets my pussy tonight,” You punctuate with a grind of your pussy down onto his mouth, “But I can help you, if you want.” 

He’s standing at the edge of the bed in minutes, his hand pressing into the back of your neck, not unlike how he tries to work the knots from there when you watch TV together. It’s soft and it’s loving and a complete juxtaposition to the vice grip that Joel’s fingers currently have on your hips. 

Your lips are impossibly close to Tommy’s, you could easily lean forward and kiss him, instead, you have a demand, “Take off your pants.” 

Tommy’s hands start to undo the belt holding his jeans up, so you turn your attention back to Joel between your thighs. He is expertly holding you right on the edge, you’re mewling and whining as he tongue works you to the edge, and then pulls away, moving down to gather more of your slick on his tongue. 

You drop your head and catch his eyes looking up at you, “You gonna tease me all night, Miller?” You ask, voice cracking as he makes a point to suckle on your clit, making you cry out, “Fuck, make me come, please Joel.” 

All of a sudden, Tommy’s hand is on your face, pulling your mouth to his own in a searing kiss as he guides your hand to his cock. You’re moaning, a combination of the fact that any second, Joel’s mouth is going to have you screaming and the fact that it’s Tommy kissing you, his cock you’re currently pumping through your fist. It’s delicious and it’s filthy and it should feel all shades of wrong, but it fucking doesn’t. 

You feel it in your legs first, the way they begin to shake and pulse and your thighs clamp around Joel’s face. Then you feel it in your abdomen, like a knot unfurling all at once as pleasure bursts over every inch of your skin. Your mouth detaching from Tommy’s, so you can cry out his brother’s name as you feel yourself almost collapse onto him. 

“Such a good girl,” Tommy breathes into your ear, your hand still firmly held around his cock, “So good when you come for us like that.” 

You feel Joel’s hands tapping at the cheeks of your ass, telling you to lift yourself off his face which you do, dragging yourself down enough so that you’re sat across his chest, not caring that your leaking pussy is dragging slick all over him. His face is covered, covered in you. He’s grinning up at you like the devil, tongue circling his mouth to clean your taste from wherever he can reach. 

“I gotta be inside you, pretty girl.” You can hear his gruff voice speak. 

Tommy immediately moves back from you so you can settle yourself down on the bed. You start on your back, but Joel moves you to lie on your side. He’s still fully clothed behind you, but when he presses himself up against you, you can feel his thick cock straining in his jeans. 

“Take your clothes off.” Is all you can manage to whine as Tommy settles on his knees on the space in front of you, taking the back of your head in the palm of his hand to bring your mouth to his cock. 

Joel shuffles away from you and you feel the mattress lighten as he gets off the bed to shed his clothes. You almost wish you could watch, there’s something about the way Joel reveals his body to you that drives you wild. The way he drags his shirt off to reveal his broad frame, chest peppered with hair, or the way his cock bounces when he finally pulls off his underwear. But right now, you’re focused on making your man feel good. 

You’re making sure that you’re doing it exactly as Tommy likes, almost telling him through the ministrations of your mouth how grateful you are for him, for this being his idea, for loving you enough and trusting you enough to let someone else give you what he cannot. You’re giving all the attention of your tongue to the head of Tommy’s weeping cock, tasting the salt and musk of his pre-cum, using one had to pump the base of his cock. 

You can feel Joel settle back behind you, pressing his entire body against your own, hard cock slipping through the slick folds of your cunt as he settles himself in the right position, then, he’s taking hold of your leg, hand in the crux of your knee to pull it up, baring his prize. He slowly inches his cock inside your tight heat and suddenly it’s all a little overwhelming. 

You’re giving the love of your life the kind of head you’ve only ever seen in porn, Tommy taking most of the control to thrust in and out of your mouth. You’re pretty sure the tears falling from your eyes are a mixture of his length hitting the back of your throat and the overwhelming emotion, love, and admiration you feel for both the men who are crowding your body, owning it, taking what they both want, one of them hopefully leaving you with what you want. 

You pull your face away from Tommy’s cock for a moment, still giving his length the attention it needs, but you let yourself lean into Joel behind you, his cock still moving languidly inside you. He’s got one of his arms snaked under your neck, your head leant against his arm like a pillow, his other hand holding your leg up so that every time his cock brushes inside you, it’s hitting that damn spot that makes you want to cry. 

“Look at you, lucky girl,” Joel growls into your ear as his lifts your leg up higher, pushing it almost to lie flat aagainst your side, “One cock in that pretty little pussy, another in your mouth,” You let a moan, muffled by the fact that Tommy is currently doing a slap-up job of fucking your throat, “He’s a lucky man,” Joel speaks again, “Bet that mouth feels divine.” 

“You ask nicely, she might oblige you, brother.” 

You feel him puff air through his nose in a chuckle, “I’m quite happy right where I am,” He speaks, pumping his cock so deep inside you that you actually think you can see stars, “You’re a lucky son-of-a-bitch gettin’ this for the rest of your life.” 

“She’s special, I’ll give you that.” 

It’s like you have to prove him right now. You can feel the walls of your pussy clenching around Joel as he picks up his pace. You can feel his balls slapping into your skin with every thrust, the power behind them causing your mouth to take Tommy cock deeper into your mouth every time. 

“Sugar, I ain’t gonna last much longer.” You hear him speak from above you. 

You pull off him, again letting your hand work him as you look up at his through your lashes, “You want me to swallow for you, baby?” You asked, wondering what you must look like when he looks down at you, fucked out from his brother, begging for him to come down your throat. 

“There’s an offer I cannot refuse,” Tommy grins, letting your mouth take him back inside the warmth, “Such a good girl.” 

He only lasts a few more seconds, cum hitting your tongue and seeping down your throat. You swallow down every drop, grinning up at Tommy. He leans down and plants a kiss to your lips, and now your focus is on Joel, thick and solid, pumping his cock in and out of you. 

“You focus on Joel now, sugar,” He croons, “I’m gonna sit back and watch you have fun.” 

As soon as Tommy has moved away from you, Joel is pulling his cock from your pussy, turning you onto your back before he’s crowding his frame over you, settling between your thighs. You’re pliant and you move easily when he hooks your legs over his shoulders, folding you back as he slips his cock back inside you. 

You’re gripping his arms as he fucks into you in earnest now, tip of his cock bruising your cervix with every thrust, you know he’ll have half-moon shaped marks on his arms come the morning, they’ll match the bruises he always leaves on your hips, the shape of his fingertips indented into your skin. 

“God fuckin’ damnit,” Joel groan, head falling to the column of your throat to graze teeth and lips over your delicate skin, “Gonna come so deep in this fuckin’ pussy it won’t have a choice but to take, you hear me, pretty girl?” 

“Fuck!” You exclaim, as he shifts just enough to change the angle that his cock is spearing into you, “Joel please.” 

“Please what?” He teases, “What do you want, babygirl?” 

“Inside,” You breath out, “Want you inside.” 

“Yeah, want me to make you a mama?” You can feel tears pooling in your eyes, “No need to cry, pretty girl,” He leans down, folding you in half even more, almost uncomfortable, to kiss away the tears, “Gonna give you what you need.” 

He thankfully moves back a little, stopping your bones from screaming at you for being folded so inhumanely, then his thumb is on your clit, “Only gonna make you a mama if you come with me,” Joel smirks, “Deal?” 

“Oh god – fuck – whatever you want,” You cry, “Please, give me what I want.” 

His thumb is relentless on your already sensitive clit, those tight circles have you clenching around him and when you look into his eyes you know he’s just as close as you are, “That’s it baby, you keep those big, beautiful eyes on me,” Joel’s hips are snapping into your with a force you didn’t know you could feel, it’s entirely too much and entirely too little all at the same time, “Can feel that tight little pussy suckin’ me in,” You cry out as his thumb falters and drags across your clit in a way that has that not threatening to unfurl yet again, “It’s alright baby, if you come, I’ll follow, yeah?” 

That’s exactly what happens. His thumb traces wet circles over your clit and you do exactly as he says. You keep your eyes wide open, staring directly into his own, as your mouth falls open with a screech as your vision clouds. Whatever happens, Joel is right behind you, his cock pounds into at most, twice more, before he’s growling your name through his teeth, cum painting every inch of your pussy. He drops your legs from his shoulders, and falls forward, letting his head rest in the crook of your neck as you both fight to catch your breath.

You wrap your arms around him but it’s all too soon before he’s pulling himself out of you, a kiss to your cheek as he does so. You’re spent and you’re aching and if you’re honest, a little overwhelmed. Joel dresses quickly, and you wish you could ask him to stay, wish he didn’t feel the need to run away, but you know it’s for the best. Tommy tells you he’ll see him out and come to bed, so you roll over and pull yourself under the sheets, trying to warm yourself from the cool air that’s spattering across the sweat of your skin. 

Tommy is back within minutes having seen Joel off. He shed his clothes and moves right up behind you, gathering you into his arms. He takes some time to press kisses into your neck and across your shoulders and for some reason, it sets your belly on fire. How have you been fucked so thoroughly by another man, this man’s own brother, and now you’re aching for this man behind you. 

“I love you so much, Tommy,” You whisper into the dark, clutching at his arms wrapped around you, “So fucking much.” 

“I love you too baby,” He whispers into your ear, stilling your hips as they grind back into him, “Enough of that, I’ll give you what you want tomorrow.” 

[ariaste]

A Discussion on Book Endings

Hey, friends. Thanks for coming today. I'm sorry to break it to you, but this is an intervention. Please, don't get defensive -- everyone here loves you and cares about you. But listen... I'm gonna need book readers and reviewers to reflect on the idea that finishing a book and going "Oh, I loved it so much, but I wish it was just a few pages longer!" is not really a valid point of negative critique in the assessment of a text.

Let me explain.

When I read people's otherwise wildly positive reviews of books and they say that line, I don't interpret it in context as, "This story needed to be a few pages longer for the plot to work, structurally, and for the ending to achieve a solid resolution." Rather, they basically seem to be saying simply, "I loved it and I didn't want it to end." That's always a GREAT feeling, but then they're.... taking points off from their total rating because of that??? They seem to be penalizing the author because they weren't left with a feeling of "Ugh, thank god it's over"? It's like, "This would have been five stars if it had had just one more chapter but it made me sad that it ended, so four stars" -- Guys, do we understand that's an insane take? It's insane. A book has to end. If you shriek "NO!!!" that it's over because you were having such a great time, that's... that's a symptom of a 5-star book, babes. I'm not sure why there's such a fashion these days for penalizing authors for this particular thing in this particular way, but it's really baffling to me.

But setting aside the puzzling trend of "I'm knocking points off because it ended when it should have gone on until I personally was fully bored and exhausted of it, like the 11th season of a TV show that was only supposed to go until season 4" -- listen, I guarantee you that nine times out of ten, when you're out here longing for just one more chapter or saying "this could have used an epilogue" you... are wishing for something that would have actively ruined your enjoyment and the quality of the book.

Are you a writer yourself? Have you ever finished writing a book before? Have you done it more than once? Have you deeply studied the endings of books? They are HARD, let me tell you what. Endings are so much harder than beginnings, because you're looking for that beautiful final note, like the ending of a symphony, and you're trying to ride it for a few glorious seconds before the FLOURISH and dum-dummmmmm....! and the conductor collapses as the audience bursts into applause! Right? Yes? Except that chances are that one more chapter or epilogue would ruin the pacing and resolution of the ending and muddle up the summary of the theme and thesis statement, and all of this WOULD ACTUALLY fuck up your experience of the story as a whole. For example, please consider the last Harry Potter book as an example. We all hate JKR now for being a TERF but oh, children, how quickly we forget that back in the olden times, we used to hate her for that fucking epilogue that made everything that came before feel rancid and pointless and hollow and cheap. Y'all remember how sickening and infuriating that was? Do you remember the Hunger Games epilogue? Nine times out of ten, that's what you're inexplicably wishing for.

To see this point illustrated, let's do a quick exercise together. Go pick out a piece of classical music -- some of my best suggestions for this are Beethoven's Ode to Joy, or "Der Holle Rache" from Mozart's Magic Flute, or Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. Listen to it all the way through. If you're struggling with scrolling addiction and your attention span has been severely damaged, fine, listen to the last two minutes ("Der Holle Rache" is the shortest, just 3 minutes). Then, after the song is done, click back to some random spot earlier in the piece, listen to another 30 seconds, and then stop. Consider: Did adding that last 30 seconds materially improve the piece, or did it undermine the overall emotional journey? Did it help the ending to stick the landing even more than it already did, or does it just feel weirdly stuck-on as an afterthought, like the "for more fun videos, check out the rest of our channel and don't forget to subscribe!!!" card at the end of youtube videos?

When you are wishing for an epilogue, my doves, you are wishing for something you do not actually want -- or which you probably would not want if you had the option to see it in practice and compare it side by side with the original. You are wishing for something that would more than likely make the story worse. You are holding the author at fault for something being wrong with the text only because you hit immersion and were having a lot of fun and didn't want to come back up for air. Like, I'm just not sure that's something that the author should be blamed for? It sounds like they were doing their job really well???

Please, just. Separate your feelings of "bittersweet disappointment that this wonderful book is over" from "frustration that the author didn't stick the landing, ugh what a flop" because they are two separate things. Before you say "I'm taking points off because I wish there was more", please take two seconds to ask yourself critical thinking questions like, "Why did the author choose to end the book here rather than in two more chapters?" because (other than a few wild outliers that should not be counted) the answer is never, "They got bored and just didn't feel like finishing the story." Chances are, they chose that specific ending for a reason. They ended it there because that's the point that underlines the thesis statement of the book, or because the emotions of that scene are the ones they want you to remember and walk away with, or because that marks the place where the story arc is genuinely over. When the author says, "And they all lived happily ever after," that means that what happily-ever-after looks like is in your hands now.

Nine times out of ten, you don't want one more chapter. Please. I promise you that you don't want one more chapter. The book is done; what you want now is either fanfiction or someone to talk about it with. Or maybe to start the book over from the beginning! Believe me, you would not want one more chapter if you had it. (Or, if you did have it and it magically didn't suck, you would just keep wanting more chapters because that's what "really enjoying the book" means. In which case, go read fanfic, that's what it is for.) I promise you, I promise you, the book would probably be worse with one more chapter and you would not like it as much. Please stop wishing for the author to be less good at their job. Please. A book has to end; so does this post. And we all live happily ever after*. The End.

----- * The post-canon coffeeshop AU sequel will be detailed exhaustively on AO3

[twinklelilstarkey]

Tutor: Control

Words: 5.6k+ Type: Angst & Smut Summary: It's the day after the fight, and you've been avoiding Rafe, so, he decides to take matters into his hands. Warnings: Fem!Reader. Arguing/fighting. A lot of crying. Overthinking. SMUT [risk of getting caught, as always, and kind of teasing each other for it; piv; no protection (she takes the pill); on the softer side; fluffy at the end].

Tutor Masterlist

I do NOT give you permission to repost my work. If you’d like to read my stories on other platforms, you can find them on my Wattpad and AO3.

“So, you think we should talk to her now?” One of the girls asks.

The girls all sit around in the living room comfortably. Some are on the couch, others on the floor to make a perfect circle. Kristy holds her mug close, warming her hands while listening to their words and questions.

“Not now.” She says.

“Why not now?” Another one of them asks.

“Well, for starters,” Kristy checks her phone mid-sentence, “It is past 10 PM, and I am not about to wake up her parents to go over and talk about this.”

The girls contemplate her words in silence. They stop sitting upright, acting like Kristy destroyed their whole mission of saving you instead of simply delaying it. They look around each other as the TV stays in a soft murmur that fills the room in times like this.

All of the girls are dressed in their pajamas, as tonight had been a plan to sleep over at Kristy’s home since her parents are off the island. It used to be something that all of them always did as a group, including you.

They could’ve gone to a party instead, and some wished to. Yet, after much talking to the avid partygoers of the island, the girls didn’t exactly like their options for this weekend, especially after hearing what happened yesterday.

“I’m worried for her.” One of the girls breaks the silence.

“We all are.” Kristy tells her.

They contemplate their hypothetical reality, making horrible images pass through them. Those same images always prove every warning they gave you regarding him, and they all end with you hurt in some way - physical or emotional.

“Do you guys know the details of yesterday?” Kristy asks out of nowhere.

They all look around each other in silence until one of them speaks.

“I only heard that it was near the end of the party.” She says, getting the attention of everyone.

Everyone on the island knows how yesterday's party ended and who got taken to the hospital. But truly only a handful of people know what actually happened. Or, better, no one is actually giving out any details about what happened, only the outcome.

“Has anyone talked about how long Aiden needs to stay in the hospital?”

“I don’t think his parents have said anything.”

A little more silence.

“Do you think they’ll press charges?”

“Not if Ward Cameron hears of it. You know how it is…”

Kristy looks at the girls in silence as they speak.

“Nothing happens to people like them.”

“And to think she probably watched the whole thing…” One of them whispers in realization.

“She could’ve been home when it happened.” One of the girls tries to ease the tension. “She never liked parties.”

Kristy doesn’t believe that, but she doesn’t say anything.

On another note, one of the girls does seem to be the most worried of everyone else. She looks around at the gloomy faces, all of them imagining what happened at a kook party, and she can't but feel the same.

“He wouldn’t do anything to hurt…” Another one of the girls whispers but fails to say it out loud, “Right?”

They all look at each other in silence, fearing to answer. Not wanting to seem too negative or too positive. As they all just want to be wrong.

“We’ll talk to her tomorrow,” Kristy says. “As soon as we see her coming into school.”

“But she has been getting in late.”

“Then at lunch.” 

“If she wants to have lunch with us.” Another one of them adds bitterly.

Kristy bites her tongue to not say anything, as she seems to be the only one in the group who sees the true reason why you have grown quieter and more distant.

This whole plan was supposed to lead you to them and to talk to them, not the opposite. Not this. The plan wasn't for you to be mistreated by your own friends when you could be in such a sensitive situation.

“We’ll talk to her tomorrow.” Kristy ends the conversation.

(...)

You sigh while turning off the lights in your bathroom and stepping into your room. The room has grown colder than you remember when you stepped out, but you do have your wet hair to blame for the chills.

You go over to your bed, throw your phone onto the covers and turn on the light on your bedside table, illuminating your room ever so slightly. Your phone lights up with a notification, and you stare at it in the distance, not daring to reach for it and simply letting the call go to voicemail.

Letting out a long breath as you walk, you look over at your bookstand, scanning through the options of your night read. Your finger traces the spine of a book as your eyes stay on the next.

A few seconds go by and all you can hear in your bedroom is the whistling of the wind outside, as tonight has to be one of the coldest nights in the past few days.

You cannot choose between two books after much looking around, and as you're about to give up something grabs your attention. It was a sound, a soft one. You look away from your books to look around your empty room. It could’ve been the wood of the furniture cracking, but it sounded like something else.

It could’ve been your parents if only they were awake. They have been asleep for the past hour after telling you about how exhausted they felt. All of it was due to running around about something you did not care to ask about. They were so tired, they didn’t even annoy you too much about spending your Sunday in bed. They just let you do it.

You look back at your books and finally choose a random one. You eye the cover while walking over to your bed, and suddenly freeze when hearing that sound again.

It was a light sound, nothing too loud. And it was something you’ve heard before but can’t exactly understand from where.

As you’re about to take a seat on your bed and ignore it once more, your window opens, startling you.

Your curtains fly with the strong wind, and a figure gets inside your dark room with absolutely no struggle.

He doesn’t say anything when he gets in, he simply turns around to close the window without making much of a sound. You watch your curtains hide him from you as they fly gracefully, and your heart drops.

You do not want to see him, let alone talk to him. But you cannot bring yourself to even open your mouth.

You should’ve expected this. You had been ignoring his calls and his texts all day, especially last night after the party. How had you not seen this coming?

The curtains fall back to the sides of your window as it closes, and he is completely visible to you now. You look at him up and down, watching as his body could move towards you at any second.

His hair is messy and falling into his eyes, and he's wearing a simple striped t-shirt and gray pants. His eyes take a bit to find you, but when they eventually do, he doesn’t move.

You snap awake from whatever trance you were in and shake your head at him.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” You tell him in a whisper, so soft he almost didn’t hear you.

Rafe looks at you entirely, not missing an inch of you. He turns, and you can tell that he is upset. He isn’t smiling like he usually is when he sees you. His face is not serious either. It is something different.

“Just give me-”

“No.” You interrupt him. “Leave.”

You two stand quietly, staring at one another in complete silence. Rafe attempts to reach for you, but that only leads you to move further away from him.

“You have to listen to me-” He whispers with you.

“Rafe, I am serious.” You tell him, already feeling your eyes pathetically begin to sting.

“So am I, please,” He pleads, his voice becoming breathier than before. “Just let me talk to you.”

You shake your head at him, and he takes a step towards you.

“You can’t be here.” You tell him. Your voice, in a whisper, sounds shakier, and you hate every bit of it.

He comes closer, and you step back. 

“You aren’t picking up my calls-” He starts.

“Because I do not want to talk to you.” You interrupt him, backing away yet again.

Rafe moves closer to you, and you refuse to be near him by taking another step. His face is hidden from your only light, and he continues to move, closing the distance between the two of you.

“Do not do this.” You whisper shakingly at him. “I do not want to see you. And I do not want to talk to you.”

Rafe pauses, faceless due to the lack of light, and you simply stare at him, waiting for him to give up and just abandon your room, leaving you to be in your silence and peace. But he does none of that. He just stands there, watching you with the advantage of the light still lighting your face.

He can see your saddened eyes, and how you are holding yourself back to not cry. He does not wish to leave, nor does he wish to let the silence between the two of you go longer than a day. This is fixable, he knows it is.

“I just want to explain-”

“There is nothing to explain.” You tell him with the most heartbreaking tone on the planet. You stare at him in complete distress, “Nothing could explain yesterday.”

“I’m sorry.” Rafe says quickly.

“I do not want you to apologize, Rafe.” You whisper at him, letting your eyes fill with tears. “He’s in the hospital… Everyone knows about it. Everyone knows how horrible you hurt him.”

“I-”

“Do not say anything.” You plead to him, voice shaking, “I am begging you, don’t.” 

He does what you ask him to but he does stay near you. Your tears begin to fall down your cheeks while images of the prior night hit your mind from every direction. Your heart is beginning to race, and you struggle to calm it down.

“God, you can go to jail for this.”

“I won’t.” He tells you, awaiting you to silence him, but you don’t.

You sniffle and bring your hands to your cheeks, cleaning your face of the tears that have been repeatedly wetting your face for the past day. He notices the way you are shaking but stays quiet.

“Just... Why did you have to do it?” You whisper to him, as your eyes come back to his faceless figure.

Rafe hesitates to answer you.

“I get that he is a bad person and that he shouldn’t have said what he did, but you went beyond every… every limit,” You tell him.

Rafe tries to reach for you, but you simply move aside and walk away from him before he can corner you.

“I know,” He tells you while turning around. His face is illuminated now, and it just makes everything so much harder for you. “I’m sorry.”

“I am not the one that you should be apologizing to, Rafe,” You practically sob out your words.

His face twists as if you struck him. He tries to reach for you again, and, this time, you do not move.

“I am not apologizing to him,” He whispers to you.

You stare up at him in disbelief and try to pull away from him, but he is too close to let you escape his space. You breathe out a long breath, and another tear slides down your cheek.

“I lost control. You shouldn’t have seen it-”

“It shouldn’t have happened, Rafe,” You tell him with impatience thick in your tone. Your frown worsens, and you know that you are seconds away from crying your eyes out as you look at him. “You went too far.”

Rafe isn't sure why, but he grows defensive at your words as he says softly, “What he said-”

You send him a glare of pure betrayal, making him tense up and shut up.

“Do not try to justify what you did.” You say, even when lost in tears, with a harsh tone.

“I was trying to protect you… I only fought him because of what he said to you,” He lays his hands on his chest, sounding and looking sincere with his words.

“Aiden’s in the hospital,” Your breath hits his face as you are so close to one another.

He tells you, “I know. But what he did-”

“Do you hear yourself?” You whisper out a yell at him while mentally cursing at the tears that keep on falling. “Rafe, you could’ve killed him! This isn't normal.”

Rafe stares at you in silence, his face beginning to twist with sadness. His eyes stay on you and bites his tongue or tenses his jaw to try and get a hold of himself.

“Was there nothing else you could’ve done?” You ask.

He lets some seconds go by in silence and decides to not answer you. Your eyes disconnect from his and look around the room, trying to find something to ground yourself with. Rafe continues to look down at you, watching you get more and more hurt by the conversation.

“You could’ve ignored him.” You say with a shrug, faking a smile to emphasize your point of how easy the other options were. “You could have simply walked away with me.”

He doesn't answer you, so you continue, “You only proved him right by fighting him. He wanted to piss you off, and you did exactly what he wanted.”

Rafe's eyes fall to the ground, feeling as if he was back to being a small child. And he almost felt like one as he spoke, “He insulted you.”

“You think I don't know that?” You sigh the words. “I just didn’t take much offense to what he said because he was drunk and practically failing to stand straight.”

Rafe looks up and answers you. “I didn't know he was that drunk.”

“You...” You let out a breath, “You shouldn't have fought him...” You await his answer, but he clenches his jaw.

You shake your head at him and try to move away, but he does not let you. He follows your movements, never reaching for you, but stepping to the side and not letting you move. You take a step back again and sigh. He stares down at you.

“You are uncontrollable, Rafe.” You tell him, “You do not fight like a-”

“A normal person?”

“Yes,” You nod. “You fight as if you want to kill a person. And that is not normal. That is… terrifying.”

He watches you closely as your eyes tear up again at the last word. He knows you do not like to be mad at him, but he cannot bring himself to lie to you and say that he understands, because he still does not.

You let out a breath, and it’s so shaky, Rafe could hear it clearly, making him question it to himself. He does not wish to make you afraid of him, of course not. What happened on the night before had been reckless, yes, but he did not... he did not think it had been this bad.

Your cheerless eyes stay on him, and it hurts him to see it. You, someone who is always so sweet and caring towards him, have seen him in a completely different way than what he had always tried to be. He hurt you, of course, he did. Rafe had always promised you that whatever he showed you or wherever he brought you to, you would be safe. Because he would keep you safe. And, after all this time, he was the first person that made you feel unsafe. Not Aiden. Rafe.

All because he could not handle seconds of arguing with a drunk. And in those seconds, he went from being loving towards you to pushing you to the side to fight someone you know. And the only justification he could think of was how Aiden had offended you. He beat him up, and from the flashes of last night, he can't blame you from feeling this way.

Rafe hurt you, and now you are standing before him with shaking hands and a face covered with tears. It is his fault. His own fault. No one else's.

“I'm sorry.” He tells you, even when he knows that you do not wish to hear it. You simply look at him, and your hands come back to wipe away your tears. “You're afraid of me,” He concludes, making you pause.

You scan his face and notice how he tenses up as you stay silent.

“You-” He goes to repeat himself, but you stop him.

“No. I am afraid of what you will do,” You say. “To whoever else crosses you…”

Rafe looks at you, watching as yet another tear falls. 

“I can't do it, Rafe.”

His eyes study you as if the words didn't make any sense to him. Your hands wipe the tears away again angrily, and you sniffle before speaking again.

“We can't-” You whisper to him, so, so softly, and with a voice so broken.

“Don't,” He whispers back to you.

You shake your head, feeling the tears come up again. Rafe moves his hand to come closer to you, and you practically jump when it lays over your waist, holding you like he usually does.

“I can't.” You tell him.

“No.” He whispers back at you once more.

“I need to, Rafe.” You tell him, watching as his face changes expression. “I can’t be with you.”

His eyes scan you in a panic, and his mouth opens to say something, failing repeatedly. Only after a few seconds is he able to say something.

“I’ll try-”

You look him in the eyes, pausing him.

“I don’t believe you.” You say to him, voice above a whisper, hurting him further.

Rafe stays silent, and you try to calm down with a very shaky deep breath. He comes closer to you, and you watch him as his face twists in further sadness. “Let me try.” You shake your head, and you see the growing glistening of his eyes, “Please.”

“You will hurt someone else.”

He shakes his head to emphasize his words, “Please, let me try.”

Rafe pulls you close to him as you watch him, and your heart squeezes tightly. You hate this.

“Please.” He whispers breathily. “Please. Just one more chance.” His thumbs caress you over your shirt as he awaits your answer.

“I don’t know.”

“I promise,” He tears up further, and you watch him. “I promise I will do my best, just… Please don’t leave, okay? Please.”

Your hand comes up and lays over his cheek. His skin is familiar, and his warmth is more than inviting. You stare into his eyes and think, even when you know which one would be the right answer for you.

His arms wrap around you, and he pulls you close to him. And for a few seconds, everything pauses, and you aren’t sure what to do.

Your heart is still rapidly beating in your chest, knocking against your rib cage in some sort of panicked song, afraid of what could come next. Not that you don’t trust him. You trust Rafe. But everything in you feels uncertain after yesterday. After what he did. How much he seemed out of his own body, and seeming as someone completely different from who you know as him.

Your fingers caress his cheek as he holds you, and your mind never stops. You have no clue if what you'll do the right thing. Everything tends to feel better with him. But your gut is beginning to tell you otherwise.

How strong can his words of promise be if he gets drunk or high? It isn’t that you even condone him of being any of those things, and you can't help but feel uncertain.

Rafe looks at you, quickly noticing the hesitation and the slight agitation. He knows you aren’t comfortable, and he isn’t sure how to feel about it.

“Tell me.” he whispers softly.

You don’t speak at first, but Rafe doesn’t back away, he simply scans your face for answers.

“I’m scared that you don’t mean it.” Your voice comes in such a faint whisper, you’re scared you might have to repeat the words because he couldn’t hear you.

“I mean it.” He whispers close to your face.

There are some seconds of silence.

“I mean it.” He repeats.

“Swear it.” You whisper, and he nods before saying it.

“I swear it.”

“You promise.”

“I promise.” He repeats after you, leaning close to your touch.

“I’m serious, Rafe,” you pause, and he nods, his eyes still filled with tears.

“I know.”

Your heart squeezes at his tone, and you scan his face for anything that could mean something else. You won’t find it.

“You’ll have to talk to him.” You whisper faintly, eyes half closed. “You’ll make sure everything is fixed with him. You’ll apologize.”

Rafe hesitates, but you hold the back of his head softly.

“You will apologize. Even if he doesn’t accept it…” You whisper to his lips, “Which is fair if he doesn’t.”

“Apologizing won’t do anything.” Rafe whispers back to you, holding you tightly and closer to him.

“It might not.” You shrug, “But it will matter to me.”

Rafe does not say or do anything for a bit, and you know he is fighting it in his head due to how much he does not want to do it. You watch him closely as he stays quiet, practically already knowing the answer that you’ll get just by the way he is looking at you. 

Your hand moves over his cheek, which now you notice has a small bruise at the top, and Rafe then finally nods.

“I’ll do it.”

You slowly reach up and kiss him. The kiss is so soft and so loving that Rafe swears that it pulled all the air from his lungs. His arms tighten around you, and you melt against him, missing his touch and his kiss as if you had been separated for longer than a day.

You are led by Rafe to bed, and he takes a seat, bringing you to his lap. His arms let go of you, but his hands grab onto you. He grabs at your exposed thighs, at your waist or hips. And only after some moments, do his hands travel into the inside of your shirt, holding onto your skin and touching it as if it is the first time.

You separate from the kiss, and Rafe pulls his shirt over his head, throwing it to the ground. He then helps you take off yours, which also ends up on the floor. Your lips reconnect, and you’re pulled to lean in closer to him.

The bedroom is so silent, yet, with the new buzzing in your ears, you can’t hear the wind whistling anymore.

The kiss is slowly becoming rougher, and with a simple movement made from your hips, controlled by Rafe’s hands, a small moan comes out of your mouth. Rafe, with it, kisses you harder, and you’re left to try and tell your own body to shut up, due to how risky all of it is.

You two separate again, and Rafe’s lips lift from yours to lay on your neck, leaving a trail of kisses that leads to your shoulders and eventually to your chest. Your long breaths and breathy moans make Rafe’s body react instantly, from his hands grasping onto you tightly to the growing tightness in his pants. All from sounds.

Your hands move from Rafe’s hair to his wide shoulders, grabbing onto him as his warm kisses continue to be displayed all throughout your skin. 

With your fingers back through his hair, you pull his head back up and bring your lips back together. The gesture alone made Rafe take hold of your hips again and move you on his lap, causing yet another sound leave your lips.

In the midst of the kiss, you feel Rafe touch the fabric of your underwear on your hips, and you bring your hands down to his lap. He grabs onto you tightly again, and you undo the button and zipper of his pants. With a swift move and with one of his hands away from your hips, Rafe pulls your underwear to the side and touches you.

A sound begins to leave your lips as his finger touches you, and Rafe brings his other hand to the back of your head to make sure you won’t pull away from the kiss, muffling your noises. His wet digits begin to move and reach your clit, worsening the fire beginning to burn at the bottom of your stomach.

Your hands, now laying over his chest, remain agitated, and your hips begin to involuntarily move against Rafe’s fingers. You forcefully pull away from the kiss, and your hands move over to Rafe’s pants again.

He doesn’t stop you, if anything he helps you push down his pants and boxers just enough.

“Come here.” He whispers at you while bringing his hand back to your hip and pulling you upwards on his lap.

You don’t answer verbally, but do it by doing as told. Rafe moves his hand away from your pussy, and helps you align perfectly before you begin to sink into his lap again. Both of you seem to stop breathing, and his cock slides inside you. Your eyes stay on his, as your mouth stays slightly open and his lenched shut.

You sit down, and Rafe can’t help but let out a small groan. Your breathing is heavy and is the only thing you can actually hear now. You peck Rafe’s lips softly, and his arms wrap around you as you do it. The next kiss is the same but longer and impossibly more loving than the one before.

When pulling away, Rafe kisses your neck once and then your shoulder, and his arms relax around you. With your knees on the bed as you straddle him, you begin to move upwards and downwards slowly and, as you do it, Rafe swears he will go insane with the speed you’re choosing to go at. But he remains quiet.

You begin to gain speed after a few movements, and Rafe lets go of you, bringing his arms behind himself to lean back and hold his torso upright. His eyes stay on you, watching as his cock disappears inside of you, and he can see, even in the dim lighting of the room, how wet you are.

Your hands move to his torso, and you feel like you cannot keep looking at Rafe, as his stare is way too intense for a moment where you need to be so quiet. Your nails on his skin bring chills to Rafe, yet all he could do was tense his jaw and stay silent.

As you keep on going, Rafe watches you without ever reaching for you and observes as you grow wetter and wetter with each movement. And the burning at the bottom of your stomachs seems even more intense at the sight of each other.

You can now see how your nails are leaving reddened trails on his skin. Nothing that would leave much of a mark, but, still, something that is getting a reaction from him - much to your amusement.

Rafe lifts one arm as he holds himself with the other, and his hand reaches for your hand on his stomach. He pulls you towards him and that pauses your movements for just a bit. Your lips touch again, and you let out a small sigh. Rafe’s hand moves in between your bodies, and, while in the midst of the kiss, his fingers find your clit.

Caught off guard, you moan against his lips due to how sensitive your body feels, and Rafe smiles at you, ending the kiss. Your hips begin to lift from his lap again, and his hand does not stop, only making it harder for you to keep quiet.

Your eyes are closed, and your faces are still so close to each other, you could practically feel each other's breathing.

The fire of pleasure is beginning to spread all throughout your body, making it harder and harder for you. And all Rafe does as a response is to shush you with his mouth against your own lips. 

With it, you try to pull his hand away from you to make this position more doable without a risk of you moaning, but he doesn’t let you. In fact, he puts down more pressure into your clit while he circles it, making you pull away from his face and sit back down.

“You want to switch?” Rafe whispers at you as you do so, and you can only shake your head as a response, knowing that if you dare to whisper, the risk of sound doubles.

Your hips continue moving up and down, seeming to take his dick deeper and deeper with absolute no sense. You bite your own lips whenever the pleasure increases due to him hitting a certain spot, and Rafe is left to watch without doing close to nothing.

His finger keeps circling your clit watching as it affects the way you move on top of him. You never seem to leave your rhythm, even when he speeds up as a test. He is sick.

Your thighs begin to burn at the movements, but you refuse to ask to switch positions, even when it sounds like an amazing idea. So, you speed up. Rafe’s fingers stop for just a bit as you do so, and you watch as that seems to affect him now. He can feel the way your pussy clenches around his dick, and he's the one that struggles to not make a sound this time.

He reopens his eyes, and the look he gives you just tells you everything. You just started an entire game.

You know this isn’t ideal given your circumstances and fear of making a sound, but you have to admit, it feels good to do it.

Rafe responds by speeding up his fingers, and that sure does make you pause for a second. Again, you try to pull his hand off, and the fucker thrusts upwards, causing you to let out a quick high pitched squeak. And that does make Rafe stop, probably remembering how much he should not make you moan.

After some seconds to breathe, you lean towards him and push down his chest, making him lay down on the bed. You hover over him, and his other hand is now free to roam your body.

He kisses you as his hand pulls away from your pussy, and both of his hands go over to your ass, squeezing it hard and causing you to whimper against his mouth. 

“You need to be quiet, baby. Come on.” He whispers against your lips, holding back his laughter.

And as he says it, he holds you in place and thrusts up into you once. Whatever words you were about to say to him were lost in your mouth, and, for your safety, your hands come up to his chest to you pull yourself upwards.

Whatever teasing smile Rafe had quickly fell due the view he gained from his joking around. As you begin to ride him all over again, Rafe feels the absolute need concentrate.

Your movements are quick right as you start, and Rafe’s hands stay on your thighs as you move. You do your best at not making any sounds, even with possible smacking of skin. Gosh, but it does feel good, even when your thighs are already burning.

Up and down, you continue, and you slide your hands over to your legs, holding onto Rafe’s hands and making sure he does not do anything.

The burning of your body worsens by the seconds, and Rafe’s hands squeezing your flesh is just an indicator that he too is close. You look down as your hands smooth over his muscled arms, starting with his forearms, and you continue to do your best at not moaning.

Your movements get slightly quicker, and Rafe hears you whisper out some sort of curse word as you do it. He wishes he could tease you for it, but he knows damn well that he is no place to do it. With your soft hands over his, gripping onto each other as his dick slides inside of you with ease due to how wet you are, yet so tight at the same time. Rafe swears that he has never focused so hard on a task as this one.

When getting so close to finally coming, you let go of one of Rafe’s hands, and he automatically knows what you want from him. His hand moves over to your clit and does the last needed movements. And your orgasm feels stronger than you would ever expect it to.

Rafe helps you ride it out. Your movements are sloppier as you continue to move, and you finally let yourself breathe. Your breathing is shaky and Rafe could hear the very small whimper after that breath.

When it ends, you slowly lay back down onto Rafe’s chest for a break. He brings the hand he had on your hip to your face, moving your hair back as your hands stay on his arms.

After seconds of silence, you look up at Rafe, lifting a bit off his body and still with him inside you. You know he hasn’t come yet, therefore, your night is nowhere near complete.

You pull at his other hand, the one that had played with your clit all this time, and he watches you as you bring it up to your face to lick a finger at a time. Your eyes stay on his as you do it, and the look he gives you only makes you smile as one of his wet fingers slides over your tongue.

“Fuck you.” He whispers at you before pulling his hand away from you and kissing your smiling mouth, muffling your giggles as he does so.

As you holds you tightly and flips you around, your smile disappears as you know he won't gloss over what you just did.

IT IS FINALLY POSTEEED!!! I PROMISE THAT I AM BACK NOW, I DO. I FINALLY WILL FINISH THIS GOD DAMN STORYYYY.

Hope you liked it <3

[earlgreytea68]

hey egt, i've recently started to apply for jobs to escape a negative work environment and i remembered you were in a really toxic workplace for a few years, just wondering if you have any tips on coping with it, having enough energy to job search at the same time as performing well in an exhausting job, not falling into hopeless despair and give up when you get a rejection, etc. etc.? thank you!

Okay, first of all, I am so, so sorry you're in this position, ugh :-( I know that it's the worst and it's so easy to feel so much despair and that things will never get better, etc., etc. Sometimes I don't think that I coped well with my situation, but other times I think, I made it through so I guess I did pretty well and there is no, like, "good" way of dealing with that situation.

I think also it's important to realize that there are two different sources of stress that are going to collide here with you. The first is the negative work environment, which is obviously a huge source of stress for you. I ended up going to therapy for a little while to help me develop coping mechanisms for that, and if that's an option for you under health insurance and life circumstances, that could help. I got some tips that I still use to this day about how to separate my work from my life. I think the therapist told me that this was my problem, that my work situation was so awful that it was becoming my life situation, and I had to try to maintain separation.

I did this thing where I kept a stress diary for a week and I made a note whenever I felt a surge of stress. We realized that I had a lot of stress around receiving work emails; at the time, it was before the age of smartphones but I had a Blackberry that would buzz whenever I got an email, and my computer would also make a little chime, and it was stressing me out. We speculated what would happen if I took an hour to respond to an email instead of doing it immediately. I'm not a brain surgeon. Nobody was going to die. On an ordinary day, nothing was that urgent. If I were in a meeting for an hour, I would not have thought twice about not responding to the email. So we did this thing where I shut off all the notification sounds and instead I created set times, once an hour or so, to check my email. This helped TREMENDOUSLY. To this day I do not receive work email to my phone and only check it at appointed times, even during a work day when I am working. It helps keep me more productive and helps keep work from taking over my life.

Another thing I started doing was I started scheduling free time the same way I scheduled things for work. Like, I would literally just block off time and be like, "I am not available," as if I had a super-important meeting, but it would just be TV time. This sounds extreme, probably, but I had a job that was working me around the clock. Some days I would leave work after 1 am and be back in before 7. They would work me constantly if I let them. So I had to block off, like, between 8 and 9 pm I could not do a meeting. It took me a little while to realize that you have to take care of yourself, your job is never going to help you do that, so you just have to do that for yourself.

Now the problem with my job was, as is clear, the fact that it was demanding everything of me and then some and I couldn't get away from it (oh, and also, I didn't even like or enjoy what the work entailed in any way). That might not be why your work environment is negative, and so you might need different coping mechanisms to handle it. That's why I said that therapy could help identify exactly what you need to do.

So, the negative work environment is one thing, but then another related but separate source of stress is applying to get a new job. I have never been a person who gets new jobs easily. I don't know why that is. I promise I'm a good worker! Maybe it's hard for everyone to get new jobs and they just all pretend it's easy-peasy, Idk. So I'm here to tell you: Don't be ashamed of all the rejection. I got rejected so, so, so, so, so much omg. I was rejected 87 times before I got a job (I know this because I write a new and unique cover letter for every job application, and I have 88 saved on my computer). So. I put this information out here to let you know that you're not alone and it doesn't say anything about you AT ALL that people don't want to hire you. It's so, so hard not to take that personally but it is never about you. I have been on hiring committees plenty of times in my life and we have never rejected an applicant because we didn't like them. The problem was that somebody else had experience we wanted more, always. So it's not actually about you, basically ever. Please try not to take it personally. It's just that the more jobs you apply for, the more you'll be rejected from. And I'm not saying it ever gets easier, and that I didn't spend lots of time crying and deciding I just couldn't apply to any more jobs because I couldn't handle any more rejection. Because I did. But then I always applied for more. Because.

Because. This is important, I think. This is honestly what kept me going. The only thing that would make my life better was a new job. Like, yes, winning the lottery would have been nice (and I did play the lottery a lot lol). Marrying David Tennant would have been cool (these were David Tennant days in my life). But really I knew I had to find a new job, and I knew no one was going to just magically call me up and offer me a new job (I know this happens to some people, but this is basically the same odds as winning the lottery in my view). I knew I had to keep looking for a job. That was the only thing I could do that made me feel like I had any agency in my own life, you know? Otherwise I felt helpless, except that I knew I was doing everything I could to get out of the situation.

Now applying to jobs is overwhelming, at least in my opinion. When I first started looking, and I had multiple jobs to apply to, I really only applied to one a day, because I found it too overwhelming otherwise. I just find breaking this insurmountable task into a small manageable daily chunk worked for me. Eventually I ran out of jobs to apply to, so I set up job alerts for the kinds of jobs I was looking for, and then I had a separate list in my head of places to look for job listings outside of the alerts. I only let myself look once a week, on Sundays, because in my field nobody was getting hired so fast that once weekly wasn't fine as a timeline, and otherwise it would just eat up my life, the obsessive searching of job boards. Again, I just had to compartmentalize it. I had to make the job search its own thing.

Anyway, I wish you so, so much luck. When I was in the middle of my terrible work situation, I honestly, truly thought I would never get another job. I really did. People would be like, "Oh, don't worry, you'll get one eventually!" and I would smile and say, "Oh, yeah, definitely," but in my heart I thought that was a lie and I never would. I thought I would do that terrible job until I could finally retire. In fact, I used to wish that I could go to sleep one night and wake up and be in my sixties and just have this whole life thing be over. So trust me, I know it's obnoxious for me to be like, "Don't worry, it will get better!" I know it doesn't feel like it ever will. I know you think that's something that only happens to other people, and you'll just be stuck there forever.

I can't convince you otherwise, because I know I could never have convinced myself. But maybe, intellectually, objectively, please read that I made it to the other side and I'm so glad at how much life I've gotten to live and I'm so glad I didn't just sleep through it, it's been wonderful. I can't believe I made it, and I can't believe how long it's been now, and I can't believe how I no longer experience the little remnant shocks of traumatic habits I'd developed that it took me years to get over, I even feel like I've managed to get past those. I truly never believed I'd be this annoying person telling you that it gets better. But I am, I'm here, it's me. I hope it gets better for you so very quickly.

And this is also obnoxious of me to say, but sometimes, like when I'm doing something like this, I think back on that time, and I can remember what it felt like so vividly, and I'm honestly happy that I've never forgotten that, because I do feel like I am grateful every single day for how far I've come, I'm proud of myself every single day for what I've accomplished, for keeping at it and finally getting what I wanted. That is another obnoxious thing to say, but you'll get there. I know you will. I'm rooting for you.

[wuxianphobic]

RECS

hello and welcome to my masterlist of lgbt media i’ve watched and recommend, sorted by country of origin and including any relevant trigger/content warnings. pls enjoy the ride i have adhd and i love making lists

i’m a tv show bitch so most of these are series, movies will have a publication year next to them in parentheses. ones with an asterisk* next to them are ones my best friend @sunshinerotting has also seen and recommends <3 if you want to get the Vibes of these individual shows/movies you can check out my #recs tag

as a general rule i try not to recommend things with sad endings, but some of my favorites do end sad so for those i’ll put a note on where to stop if you prefer to end when it’s still happy

honorable mentions include merlin (fantasy, monster-of-the-week, comedy, drama, Strong Male Friendship), the get down (historical drama, social commentary, musical, side mlm couple), itaewon class (revenge drama, realistic fiction, side trans character), romantic killer (anime, comedy, found family, supernatural element, side nonbinary character), and wynonna earp (fantasy western, supernatural element, side wlw couple). pls send me an ask or a message if you want tws for any of these ones. now on with the masterlist:

CHINESE (MAINLAND)

THE UNTAMED* mlm (censored), historical fantasy/wuxia, drama, comedy

brought back sixteen years after his death to seek revenge on the abusive family of a young man, wei wuxian is given another chance at life, but most of the cultivation world is still cursing his name. his story is unfolded in its entirety, from his childhood to his fame and infamy and ultimately his death, and in his second life he is reunited with lan wangji, the man who was by his side for it all

warnings: war, torture, SA, incest, suicide

THAI

MANNER OF DEATH mlm, crime thriller, mystery, realistic fiction, drama

when his friend jane dies under mysterious circumstances, medical examiner bun must find out the truth of what happened to her as the police try to rule her death a suicide. he (begrudgingly) gets help from jane’s assumed boyfriend tan, bun’s top suspect who has secrets of his own

warnings: discussion of depression + suicide, violence, guns, SA, child endangerment

DON’T SAY NO mlm, comedy, drama, school setting, sports team

longtime friends leo and fiat have to learn to renavigate their relationship after they begin dating, while also dealing with people trying to pull them apart. meanwhile, leo’s brother leon tries to catch the attention of an older student who would rather talk to his cat than to leon

warnings: family issues, SA, homophobia, blackmail/revenge porn, slutshaming, negative portrayal of mental illness

BAD BUDDY mlm, side wlw couple, comedy, drama, school setting, enemies to lovers

pat and pran, childhood enemies, are reunited in college where their respective departments also have a deep rivalry. under orders from the school to stop the fights between their departments, pat and pran have to work together to keep their groups apart on campus, leading to them begrudgingly (at first) spending more time together

warnings: guns (ep 9)

NOT ME* mlm, side trans character, political/crime thriller, drama, supernatural element

when his twin brother black is beat up and put in the ICU, white goes undercover as him in his gang to find out who might have hurt him. white has to keep up his cover while also dealing with his developing feelings for sean, who is suspicious of “black’s” sudden change in personality. as time goes on, white realizes that he doesn’t know nearly as much about his brother or the world as he thought he did

warnings: violence, kidnapping, guns, house fire, police brutality

LOVE IN THE AIR mlm, realistic fiction, comedy, drama, enemies to lovers

rain is pissed to find out that the girl he likes has a crush on payu, a mechanic and alumni from his department who everyone is in love with. feeling that payu—confident, popular, and well aware of it—needs to be put in his place, he sets out to make payu fall stupid in love with him. meanwhile, payu’s charming friend prapai tries to get the attention of rain’s best friend sky, much to sky’s annoyance (or so it seems)

warnings: SA, past and attempted rape, kidnapping, past abuse, undernegotiated d/s

MOONLIGHT CHICKEN mlm, deaf character, drama, realistic fiction

after passing out in a diner, wen meets and takes an interest in the restaurant’s owner jim, who decidedly does not do relationships. wen begins working at the diner while attempting to break down jim’s walls and get to know him better. meanwhile, jim’s nephew befriends and falls for a teenage boy his age who hasn’t left the house since he lost his hearing

warnings: homophobia, ableism, family issues

YES OR NO (2010) wlw, comedy, drama, school setting, enemies to lovers

traditional girl pie is horrified to discover that her new roommate kim is a tomboy. at first she refuses to interact with her, but kim is friendly to her and as time goes on they become closer, leading them both to wonder if there’s something more than just friendship between them

warnings: homophobia, attempted self-harm

KOREAN

COLOR RUSH mlm, drama, supernatural element, mystery

in a world of people who can’t see color (monos) unless they meet a specific person (probes), high schooler yeonwoo has no interest in ever meeting his probe. but when yoohan, a classmate, discovers that he is yeonwoo’s probe, he dedicates himself to teaching yeonwoo the names and the beauty of all the colors he couldn’t see before

warnings: obsession, discussion of violent crime/cannibalism, suicide attempt, psych ward scene

SEMANTIC ERROR mlm, side wlw character, comedy, school setting, opposites attract

left the sole person to do all the work in a group project, serious student chu sangwoo exposes the other students in his group, delaying the graduation of jang jaeyoung, a carefree art student. with his graduation delayed, jaeyoung sets out to annoy sangwoo in any way he can. to make things worse, jaeyoung also happens to be the same designer that sangwoo contacted for help on making a video game for a class project

warnings: none

THE EIGHTH SENSE mlm, drama, realistic fiction, school setting, sports club

after moving from the country to seoul for college, art student kim jihyun meets seo jaewon, an older student just back from the military who’s determined to be his friend. jihyun joins the surfing club that jaewon is president of, and as jaewon teaches him to surf they grow closer despite jaewon’s depression and his ex-girlfriend’s jealousy

warnings: depression, discussion of suicide, family issues, nonconsensual kissing, implied substance abuse, age gap relationship

SHE MAKES MY HEART FLUTTER wlw, comedy, drama, realistic fiction, bar setting

gang seol, a young unemployed lesbian, discovers a hole-in-the-wall women-only bar only to find out the owner is her aunt jung one, who is also a lesbian. seol begins working at the bar, and her openness with her own sexuality causes some conflict between them as seol tries to bring attention to the small lesbian bar that jung one has carefully cultivated to be under the radar and unassuming

warnings: none

THE HANDMAIDEN (2016) wlw, psychological thriller, mystery, drama, period piece

a young pickpocket named sookhee is hired by a con man named fujiwara to work as the handmaiden to the heiress lady hideko. sookhee's role is to convince hideko to marry fujiwara so he can defraud her and inherit her fortune before locking hideko up in a psychiatric asylum, but hideko is not as fragile as she seems

warnings: violence against women, SA, attempted rape, suicide attempt, psych ward scene, incest

JAPANESE

YUURI!!! ON ICE mlm (censored), sports anime, comedy, drama, realistic fiction

anxious figure skater katsuki yuuri heads home after a big loss to rediscover his passion for skating. when a video of him skating to one of famed victor nikiforov’s routines goes viral, victor shows up at his house and insists on personally coaching yuuri, who has absolutely no idea how to deal with his idol being this close to him

warnings: fatphobia, anxiety attacks

CHERRY MAGIC!/CHERRY MAGIC! THE MOVIE (2022)* mlm, comedy, drama, supernatural powers, workplace romance

legend has it that if you’re still a virgin by your 30th birthday, you’ll get magical powers. shy office worker adachi doesn’t think much of this until it happens to him—when he turns 30, he gains the ability to read people’s minds when he touches them! and what’s more, he finds out that somehow, the handsome office darling kurosawa has a crush on him

warnings: sexual harassment, age gap relationship (side couple)

MY BEAUTIFUL MAN (UTSUKUSHII KARE)/MY BEAUTIFUL MAN: ETERNAL (UTSUKUSHII KARE: ETERNAL) (2023)* mlm, drama, realistic fiction, school setting, idol character (kind of)

hira, a shy high schooler with a stutter, develops a crush on his idol trainee classmate kiyoi. with his self-esteem nonexistent, he doesn’t think that kiyoi could ever take an interest in him, but kiyoi notices hira always looking at him and starts doing everything in his power to keep hira’s gaze on him

warnings: bullying, obsessive behavior, kidnapping (eternal)

SILHOUETTE OF YOUR VOICE (2017)* mlm, hoh character, drama, realistic fiction, school setting

taichi stumbles upon and befriends kohei, a fellow student at his school who gives taichi his lunch one day. seeing that kohei, who is hard of hearing, is looking for a note taker, taichi offers to take on the role in exchange for kohei bringing him a lunch from home on the days they have class. since taichi’s voice is naturally loud, kohei finds it easy to communicate with him and taichi encourages him to advocate for himself

warnings: ableism

CANADIAN

CLOUDBURST (2011)* wlw, comedy, drama, realistic fiction

stella and dotty, two elderly lesbians, escape their nursing home and go on a roadtrip to canada to get legally married. on the way, they pick up a hitchhiker named prentice who is also heading to canada to visit his mother, and the three of them bond

warnings: fatphobia, dick and balls just on screen at one point

SINGLE ALL THE WAY (2021)* mlm, romantic comedy, christmas setting, best friends to lovers

chronically single peter goes home for the holidays accompanied by his best friend nick. his family members are caught between trying to set up peter and a gay personal trainer and trying to set up peter and nick, who they are convinced are in love and just don’t see it

warnings: none

AMERICAN

HANNIBAL* mlm, side wlw couple, horror, psychological thriller, drama, crime thriller

will graham is recruited into active field work in the fbi despite his and others’ concerns that he is too mentally unstable. in order to combat this, his boss jack brings in psychiatrist hannibal lecter who is, unbeknownst to anyone, a serial killer and a cannibal. hannibal and will develop a mutual fascination with each other as will’s mental health worsens

warnings: manipulation, gaslighting, body horror, guns, gore, animal death, psych ward scenes, suicide attempt, implied incest, implied SA

JENNIFER’S BODY (2009)* wlw, horror, comedy, supernatural powers, school setting

after a mysterious fire at a bar concert, reserved teen needy lesnicki notices unnerving changes in her best friend jennifer check, a domineering and popular cheerleader, who shows up at needy’s house covered in blood. now jennifer is possessed by a demon and killing off boys in their class, and her next victim is needy’s boyfriend chip

warnings: gore, ableist slurs, possession, psych ward scenes, fatphobia, self-harm

KISSING JESSICA STEIN (2001)* wlw, romantic comedy, drama

with her brother engaged, her best friend pregnant, and a lot of unsuccessful first dates, jessica stein responds to a women seeking women ad in the newspaper and meets helen cooper, an openly bisexual woman. the two start going out despite jessica’s internalized homophobia which causes her to keep their relationship a secret, upsetting helen

warnings: biphobia. also the ending is disappointing imho so i’d suggest turning it off after they move in together

BUT I’M A CHEERLEADER (1999)* wlw, romantic comedy, teen, satire

megan’s friends and family have to break the news to her that she is, in fact, a lesbian, much to her shock. her parents then send her to a conversion camp where she meets a bunch of other gay teens; they are supposed to learn to be straight again through enforcing traditional gender norms and activities. while there, megan falls for graham, a rebellious lesbian in the same program

warnings: homophobia, slurs

BOUND (1996)* wlw, crime thriller, mob movie

while doing remodeling work in an apartment building, corky meets and starts an affair with violet, the girlfriend of the mobster who lives next door. wanting to get out of the mob, violet enlists corky’s help to trick her boyfriend out of $2 million, but things don’t go as planned

warnings: guns, blood, homophobia, slurs, assault, violence

BRITISH

HEARTSTOPPER* mlm, side trans character, side wlw couple, romantic comedy, drama, teen, realistic fiction

charlie spring, a shy high school student, develops a crush on a sweet, supposedly straight rugby jock named nick nelson, much to the horror of charlie’s protective best friend tao. meanwhile, after transitioning, elle attempts to make friends at the all-girls school she transferred to

warnings: attempted SA, emotional abuse, homophobia, implied ED behavior, slurs

SUMMERLAND (2020)* wlw, period piece, drama, realistic fiction

in WWII, an asshole writer named alice lamb is assigned a london evacuee boy named frank to take care of, much to her horror. as she warms up to frank and explains to him the mythical summerland that she studies, she recalls her romance with a beautiful woman named vera

warnings: war, bombs

TAIWANESE

YOUR NAME ENGRAVED HEREIN (2020) mlm, drama, period piece, school setting

jiahan meets outspoken birdy at their catholic high school, and the two of them grow closer and develop feelings for each other in a time of rampant homophobia. but when their all-boys school begins integrating girls, birdy starts hanging out with a girl named banban, upsetting jiahan

warnings: familial abuse, SA, homophobia, violence, slurs

HISTORY 3: MAKE OUR DAYS COUNT mlm, drama, comedy, school setting, opposites attract

when his girlfriend takes an interest in the reserved and studious yu xigu, rowdy troublemaker haoting and his friends begin to prank xigu. but when one of the pranks goes awry, haoting feels bad and focuses his attention instead on getting to know xigu, who grows less wary of him as they spend more time together

warnings: homophobia, family issues, age gap relationship (side couple), implied ED behaviors. i really like the characters in this one but the side couple is a high schooler and an adult + it made me very uncomfortable so please be careful. also, i’m saying this because i care about you all—skip the last episode. trust me.

WE BEST LOVE mlm, comedy, drama, rivals to lovers, school setting (no. 1 for you)/workplace romance (fighting mr. 2nd)

hotheaded, competitive zhou shuyi is ready to start college without his longtime personal rival gao shide beating him in everything. at least, until he finds out shide, who finds shuyi’s distaste for him funny, is once again attending the same school as him

warnings: nonconsensual kiss, internalized homophobia

FILIPINO

PEARL NEXT DOOR* wlw, romantic comedy, drama, love triangle

a spin-off from the mlm show gameboys centered around pearl, who is trying to have an epic romance but can’t decide between karleen, the girl she’s been crushing on who doesn’t seem interested in her (until she does), and alex, a new girl who makes her feelings for pearl very clear

warnings: biphobia

i’ll probably update this as i watch more. pls feel free to let me know if you watch any of my recs and what you think of them! <3

[methinmycoffee]

~~Spoilers (S26 E6)~~

A season finale to be remembered (forgotten). Eh, here's what I thought anyway.

Let's start with the positives:

I honestly enjoy Rick. He's funny, entertaining it's nice to see Garrison's impact on a positive influence in his life. I'll touch more on him in the negatives, but for now he's a generally good character. Me yelling "DUMP HIS ASS!" at the TV is good, because it means I am genuinely invested in this relationship. Even though I think Rick is far too good for Garrison, I don't mind that they're together. It's the new Clybe, a garbage fire reality TV couple.

Funny. Hehehe. I very much enjoyed the comparisons to like, a party addict but it's just Trump and he's getting a bunch of people to rally with him. Especially the scene in the bathroom where it’s like two guys doin’ it but they’re just screaming about America.

Stan is a nerd, but in a fun way. Good for him. A little out of left field, but good for him.

I enjoyed the parallel to Randy and Garrison's relationship. Especially at the end, when they reveal that Randy needs Sharon like Garrison needs Rick. Even though it's not healthy or fun for Sharon and Rick to deal with their partners, they're sort of stuck babysitting man-children they feel responsible for. Deep, but sort of fun and not as serious as I'm making it sound.

Let's middle with the negatives (idk man):

I DO NOT LIKE RANDY! Why did they do that to him? Honestly my Quest For Rankings(tm) has made me a little sad because I miss the old Randy. Since when is he an asshole with little regard for Stan's goings on? Since when is he a party guy who only cares about tits and booze and really hates Sharon and Shelly? Since he started to suck, around the time of season 20 but really going in full swing around season 22. This Randy was especially insufferable, and I do not enjoy him and Stan having a dumpster fire relationship.

Style feel divorced now. Matt Stone's characters had zero lines in this episode, so idk what's up with that, but Stan got to pick one person to play with all spring break and he chose To(l)k(i)en? Not in my canon. Seriously, I feel like this section should be longer because I’m so mad. I don’t like the change. I don’t think To(l)k(i)en doesn’t have a place in the show, but it’s not as the new Kyle.

We don’t need another bad relationship. Idk, I like Rick, but I think that maybe instead of constantly creating identical, toxic relationships where characters who used* to be fun become angry and bitter just like the aging writing staff. Give us some Stendy resolution. Give us a nice Sharon and Randy (shandy? Handy?) episode. Make a Creek episode at all. I know I complement the parallels between Garrison and Randy’s relationships, and it works well for in individual episode but imo it’s a little bit too much for every couple to constantly hate each other now. Matt and Trey must be having trouble in paradise.

*note: this is very in character for Garrison, actually. But maybe just set all that aside for a while and give us a good old fashioned Stan and his current lover (Kyle, Wendy, To(l)k(i)en even) against a clear evil without an agenda. Throw in Cartman and Kenny too.

And We’ll end with some Nitpicking:

This is honestly our season finale? This is it? A pretty decent Garrison plot and a shitty Randy plot? No main four classic adventure? No check-in for Cartman and his regular house? No hard reset away from Stolkien and back towards Style or away from Tregridy? Okay. We’ll see how the Paramount specials pan-out then.

I’m so tired, man.

The house party was a weird thing that came out of no where. Like, Randy threw water on a stripper that he hired to harass his son and his “friend”, and then the pimp(?) (not really sure, but I don’t think that’s how strippers work) was like “I’ll shoot you” so Randy said “I have drugs in the barn” and then Andrew Tate(?) was like “Okay let’s get hammered then.” And then he invited everyone he knew to a random weed farm in rural Colorado and they had a party? K.

A final thought:

I don’t usually do this. But I feel like this over-analysis was a little meaner than I usually am with these. So I’m going to put this out there: I don’t mind this episode. (5/10). It’s not evil. It didn’t kill my first born. I think Garrison’s plot was solid and in line with his character. I am just tired of toxic relationships. I don’t think this is specifically on Garrison, in fact I think the problem is more with Stendy and Shandy or whatever. I don’t like that Randy sucks now, and I didn’t like his half-assed “boys should be boys” attitude. I believe he can be done correctly, but something different needs to be done.

Also I don’t hate To(l)k(i)en, I’m mostly just mad at what’s been done to the show, and his shift to Stan’s best friend is part of it. I don’t mind Stolkien either, I’m not opposed to it, I just personal don’t think that To(l)k(i)en is that interesting and I miss the before times.

This is a call to the South Park team! You can be good. You can do good. You can write good (well). I have faith in you. If I was the only one who saw these problems, then the issue would lie more with me, but I’m not and I don’t think it is. But I have Faith! DikinBaus was good! Cupid Ye was good! Deep Learning was good! You can do some Deep Learning yourself and process what about those episodes worked, and we can get some kickass specials this summer. I believe in you! <3

[whiskeyswifty]

do you think folklore is still as popular today as it was during the pandemic? I feel like a lot of people have already forgotten about it, especially after midnights came out :/

i mean define "people" lol. if you're talking like hardcore, 24/7 swifties, with the attention span and memory of a goldfish for the most part (affectionate), then sure. they've moved on to the next sparkly thing and always have huge recency bias. their favorite song is always whatever new album/tv single she dropped 4 hours ago. but if you're talking about the general public, i think midnights was not a huge hit comparatively, outside of maybe anti-hero which really broke out. i'd be willing to bet folklore is probably the last album most non-swiftie normal people can remember her putting out. because it's cultural impact was that huge, even if you don't like her or know her music, you've heard of folklore. like if you ask my step-mom who is now a self proclaimed "swiftie" cuz she watched miss americana 2 months ago and thinks taylor is "so cool", she would tell you folklore was her last album, and she only knows that cuz it won the grammy.

I also think folklore is extremely accessible for the general public, and will always be compared to midnights or even lover or rep or any of those. because it's about broader, more fictional scenarios, you don't need to know who taylor swift even is to enjoy it, or any of her lore or previous work. it's also more adult contemporary sounding than the sometimes grating and juvenile sounds of her pop stuff. juvenile in how it sounds literally written for teens, but also how it's always trying to be relevant, insofar as instrumentals. folklore is more timeless due to it's simplicity, making it even more accessible to casual music listeners and i would predict will continue to be as time goes on, lest she does another adult contemporary album. also interesting to note that anti-hero is the most adult contemporary sounding song off midnights and it was the only one off midnights to make most best of song lists of 2022, and remains the only song across reviews, positive and negative, that everyone can agree on.

this is all of course not to say this as a value judgement, as adult contemporary is widely enjoyed BECAUSE of it's simplicity, not it's quality. it's easy listening, inoffensive to all age groups because of it's simplicity, and if you're young, you might not feel that way. but young people are not the majority of any given population, so if you mean people as in all people, i think folklore is still her pervading album of the moment.

[chorusfm]

Liner Notes (February 18th, 2024)

This week’s newsletter looks at some music released, some TV shows and movies I enjoyed, and a plug for an excellent emo coffee table book. The supporter Q&A post can be found here. If you’d like this newsletter delivered to your inbox each week (it’s free and available to everyone), you can sign up here. A Few Things * I had some time to fix a couple of bugs on the main website yesterday, and I’m now gearing up to tackle the much larger project on my list of bringing newsletter capabilities to the website. Quite a few maintenance updates will be needed along the way, so it will be nice to start working on those slowly. In Case You Missed It * 2024 Is For Lovers Fest * 4th Annual Let’s Go Music Festival Lineup Announced * Strung Out Announce New Tour * Further Seems Forever Sign With Iodine Records * The Gaslight Anthem in the Studio With Butch Walker * Liner Notes (February 11th, 2024) * Review: Yellowcard / Hammock – A Hopeful Sign * Hot Water Music Announce New Album * Mike Herrera (and Daughter) Cover NOFX * Albums in Stores – Feb 16th, 2024 Music Thoughts * A couple of fun new releases out this week caught my eye. The first is Middle Kids’ new album, which continues their trend of making solid indie rock. And I wrote about it a few weeks back, but Laura Jane Grace’s new album is also definitely worth your time. * My week was spent with a whole lot of Butch Walker and Goldfinger. I listened to Butch talk about “Freak of the Week” on the Chris Demakes a Podcast, and that was more than enough to drop me into another catalog dive for one of my all-time favorite musicians. And with Goldfinger, I’ve been trying to make a point to go back to some of the under-listened albums from my teenage years. Lagwagon, Goldfinger, Limp, and a handful of other bands that I listened to a lot but then didn’t return to much in my twenties. Also, that last Goldfinger album is ridiculously fun. * While She Sleeps’ new album comes out at the end of March; it’s similar to their previous but leans a little more into the full rock sound they were playing with. Like, almost Linkin Park or Enter Shikari at parts. I ended up playing the hell out of their last album at the gym, and I could see this quickly taking a similar spot in my rotation. * There were some great singles released this week, including Lost Stars’ “Vertigo” (for the love of all please release an album), Mike Herrera and his daughter covering “Linoleum” (adorable and too much talent in this family, save some for the rest of us), and Sasha Alex Sloan delivering another good one with “Highlights.” * Other things that caught my eye this week included a bunch of time with American Hi-Fi (and their acoustic album), which I maintain is one of the underrated pop-rock acts of the 2000s. Maisie Peters and her fantastic The Good Witch also got multiple plays. And then my early pre-coffee mornings were spent with City and Colour’s live album Guide Me Back Home—a perfect voice for easing into the day and whatever fresh horror is sitting in my inbox. And I enjoyed Nothing, Nowhere’s new mixtape Dark Magic much more than his last album. The foray into metal/hardcore/nu-metal didn’t work for me; he’s better when he mixes rap and pop influences, and this is a nice return to what he does best. The Stats: Over the past week, I listened to 31 different artists, 57 different albums, and 605 different tracks (652 scrobbles). Here is my Top 9 from last week, and you can follow me on Apple Music and/or Last.fm. Entertainment Thoughts * I read a few things this week, but my favorite thing was one of my Valentine’s Day gifts from Hannah. She got me the awesome coffee table book called Negatives: A Photographic Archive of Emo (1996-2006) that is full of photos and stories from a period in the music scene that obviously means a whole lot to me. I’ve known Amy, the author, for years, and I’m overjoyed at how this turned out. (And The Name Taken blurb that mentions… https://chorus.fm/features/articles/liner-notes-february-18th-2024/

[evandorepart2]

longgggg fucking vent post under the cut. idk if it even counts as vent i am simply relaying information about the situation and i am unsure how i should feel right now

oh my fucking GOD my brother is such an asshole like. ok so whats happened over the past couple days is that

i hit a depressive period. it is Obvious -> since im depressed i dont have energy to eat or cook much and ive been struggling with making sure to eat Before this -> we have recently got groceries and there are muffins. before this i was literally eating a slice of bread so i would at the very least not pass out or vomit so obviously when we have that im going to switch to Depending on that -> this is something i do a lot, unconciously, to eat. i have a single 'meal' and stick with it until its run out. whether or not it has lots of steps.

what happened after this is

my brother gets pissed cause i ate all the muffins and he calls me a bitch and some other stuff idr cause i deleted the messages -> i am hanging by a thread and being confronted abt an insecurity on multiple levels makes me very upset -> i attempt to deflect these feelings by joking about it so that i can convince myself that im not upset -> he responds negatively and calls me annoying + brings up the fact that hes the only one whos been cleaning downstiars and subtly implying that im lazy and never do any work. a fact he Has said to my face despite this being proven Not True many times. and none of the Mess hes been cleaning up is mine since i have not been using the kitchen / using dishes / had items isolated to a single small table -> i get more upset and decide to be honest and write a short, frank note [bc this is all over text bc he never talks to me face to face] saying that i am depressed. its difficult to eat and i wasnt even Thinking of him [as he is someone who regularly gets on everyone else for eating junk sweet food so i dont think he wnats that stuff] and i apologize for being a dick and thank him for cleaning up.

after this he does not respond which means that there is nothing else he wants to say on the matter. that was a few days ago and i do not talk / go near him. ive phsyically seen him Three times since this exchange. and they lasted a few seconds since i quickly Left The Area.

today was the first time hes messaged me since then to tell me to do the dishes. i Was going to - was debating not to but then it got into my head as a Task I Need To Finish before i could continue what i was doing - but when i went downstairs he was on the couch and this scared me so i went back upstairs and was promising to do it tomorrow.

Until i had another breakdown and completely reorganized all my projects so i wouldnt have an unproductive spiral. and then i just finished so i thought Now i will do the dishes so i can get back into doing my Other Tasks. that is if they werent done - the thing with the dishes is that he said he was going to cook. which is how it usually goes. so its not like he just told me to clean LOL

but during this time i had headphones on which are sound proof and as i was going outside i took them off and realized the tv was on which means hes downstairs. and also i could smell meat cooking, meaning he was making dinner. its at this point i was like. whoops i didnt do the dishes that sucks but also. i Have told him i was in the middle of a depressive period. i havent been eating and i havent been leaving my room at all. even my father picked up on this. its easy to assume that he understands that hey! maybe youll tell me to do something and i just dont do it. for gods sake i didnt even answer the text bc i didnt want to say id do it and then not do it.

so i went to shower instead and felt really sick standing up since obviously i havent eaten and it feels like my stomach is caving in and i can smell food cooking which just makes it significantly worse.

which is whatever. i leave. i think about whether or not my pride will let me go downstairs when he tells me hes made dinner. NOTE: my father is gone today - hes partying with his work friends as a going away thing. so it is just us.

except! he hasnt texted me at all! in fact! its been half an hour since i know he cooked and nothing has been said to me. which leaves the options. he made something else and i can just fend for myself. he made the original meal [which was burgers and takes a while to do cause he does it from scratch] and was pissed that i didnt do the dishes so he didnt make me any. or hes still cooking and has yet to text me [doubtful]

which. i dont know which is worse! and i am unsure if i am allowed to be upset by this!

because on one hand yea. i was supposed to do the dishes and i couldnt even bring myself to do that.

but on the other hand. man im fucking depressed. it took two days of convincing to get me to brush my teeth again. i am getting physically ill from lack of food and ive been having casual thoughts of suicide again. and its not like he doesnt know. like ive told him. ive left out my diagnosis papers so he could see them - which he told me hes read ! im not 'suffering in silence' or whatever. im just FUCK i dont know. i hate this stupid family.

its like everyone looks at me and goes. yea you have problems. but the second i start i dont fucking know having problems everyone gets soooo mad at me and tells me how awful and lazy and how im literally never going to ammount to anything or do anything < real words that my brother had said ! he went off very long on how pathetic i am to my father and only 'apologized' like a day later when he was high which was barely even an apology he just said sorry and then hung up.

its like every time i try to get better and then everyone around me just. fucking i dont even know man. my mom hates me. my brother hates me. my father hates everything i like and everything i stand for and completely refuses to ever listen to me actually talk. im awful person to everyone around me and all my friends and im not getting out of this hell hole. nothing is going to change when i get to iowa. im just gonna be the same shitty person in an even shittier country with people and family that i hate

[ssaalexblake]

I am so deeply sick of men on the internet feeling the oppressive need to make nuisances of themselves when nobody, least of all me, asked, but fine. I’ll bite. I’m in a bad mood. Might cheer me up. This is me reeling in my pettiness, i Almost decided to go through your posts and add my negative unsolicited opinion to a bunch of them instead to teach an abject lesson on Not being a rude git, but alas, I am not 16 years old and will instead just do something still too immature for my age but slightly less so.  

A) if i see one more person on the goddamn internet say 13 was talking about capitalism in kerblam when she was, strictly speaking, actually talking about an AI in a capitalist system, i’m gonna. Well, I don’t know, but you’re all getting rather droll with this harping and have been for approximately the last... 3 years. And actually, the ai plot has aged interestingly if you ask me, considering the state of the internet right now. It’s an interesting food for thought thing, if you ask me. Is this not the aim of the show? To address societal issues and create discussion? Because it seems to me that if you view it from the perspective of thinking about AI in business and you Don’t think the guy who murders people to make a point and cries about it when he gets the wrong person is morally correct, then it becomes interesting as a thought exercise. 

AI absolutely has its uses, I heard on the radio the other day that people were using AI to try and work out who an unknown soldier from one of the world wars was, from scanning military records and the like. I personally think that’s a reasonable usage. Get it to point an actual person in the right direction and then they can try and verify it with dna and the like. However, using AI to say, replace writers or artists in the film and tv industry is, we can agree, a super bad not good thing! The system is being abused to abuse and take advantage of others BC capitalism! Is the existence of ai the problem? that’s not an existential question I have the chops to conclude upon but i’ve read some interesting thoughts lately, but you’ll note Kerblam makes a point of saying that it ends a human led company, Not an AI led company. 

I’m not saying it was written as some kind of prophetic masterpiece, but it has gained nuance as it aged imo. Sadly. I’d prefer to have had no ground to stand on than have the mess we have right now but here we are anyway. Reminds me of some old classic who serials that have, sadly, come entirely true.  

Also, even the writer of that ep has said he has no idea what his point was, and considering some of the utter monstrosities this show has afforded us in previous eras without anybody having to apologise for the whole era for a dud, it’s amazing how the one with the girl doctor is used as a perpetual Gotcha and not the others. Truly fascinating! Good lord, the politics in the zygon two parter that everybody raves about is Horrific in many ways and nobody gives a damn about that. That was Two whole episodes! Can i write off 12 now? 

B) Even if she wasn’t talking about ai, the idea that One bad episode counteracts the anti-capitalist themes in Spyfall, Orphan 55 (where the rich Literally get eaten btw, literally by the 99% they victimised, it’s there in the episode) and nikola tesla’s night of terror. To only name a few. There are more. Is funny.

Because like, the statement that this era is Pro capitalism/pro perpetual victimhood at the hands of a dollar sign requires You to ignore a whole host of episodes to support that claim, however, another statement that it is anti-capitalist requires me to only write Kerblam off as a bad episode ( if you agree that the main point there is capitalism, which I don’t necessarily). Anyway. One single episode. Like, is that the math we’re Really doing here? Because it leaves me suddenly having to write off pretty much every show I love as awful. 

Do you wish to discuss the propping up of Tesla as a monument to mankind’s ingenuity with no thought for monetary gain, and his death in poverty (something something no hope no reward no witness), over the disdain Edison is regarded with by all the characters for being a money hungry thief? Do you wish to discuss the portrayal of Barton trying to kill and reduce the working classes to mindless shells for his own benefit as the only ~worthy one and his place as a villain because he sees wealth as the only sense of worth a human can have? About how he is exposed as a monster and has to run? Do you wish to discuss the scumbaggery of The American (I never learnt his name and do not intend to) displayed blatantly as a scumbag to be mocked (i’ll get back to him later). Do we want to talk about the show addressing the intersectionality of said scumbag propping up the UK government and police force by selling them violent weapons to make a fast and illegal in many ways buck, because hmmm I think that point is Vastly overlooked in terms of themes. That prime minister only just lasted longer than Truss. You’ll note she paid for her sins in death in the show. Which Truss did not, but we can’t have it all can we! 

How about how in Orphan 55 the only people allowed to live were the ones in no way responsible for killing the earth and the 99%? The non human workman and his son, and 13 and the fam. The rest, the descendants of the rich were all slaughtered and eaten as payment for their crimes. I get that they didn’t go full Alien with blood splatter for organs flying about, but this show is watched by small children. I would pay them to refilm a version aimed at adults tho. 

I could go on but i’m cutting myself off. 

and C) The American. The American whose plot was never wrapped up. The American who was tipped to come back. That american. 

See. You may not have noticed this thing that happened back in 2020. It was this virus, it’s still around but we’ve got like, vaccines and stuff now. But back in 2020 it sent the entire world into standstill (or into total quarantine if you happened to be an island nation with a competent government that was successful in locking down the entire place) and death counts were you know, horrifying to watch on the news of a day. I gave up watching the news. Everything was bad. Everybody learnt how to make sourdough and it’s all its been in bakeries since (this is an issue. sourdough is rank and it’s all anybody sells anymore). Well, yeah, this kind of fucked up literally everything. Shockingly, that included TV shows. 

13′s era, in order to not kill the cast and crew, had the episode count slashed so they could take more time filming what they did do safely. They had it slashed Again mid filming a serial story! They had to cut two episodes on the fly! They did not come out of this unscathed. 

There was also an issue of the borders between the US and UK not necessarily being the most crossable at points due to contagion risk (that was a gross understatement) and idk here’s the thing, that american guy’s plot? wasn’t more important that 13′s, of Yaz’s, or the master’s, or Dan’s. And even if it Was, the guy apparently lives in NYC and LA (yes, i looked it up to say this Just to make sure), so to say that having him in an episode would have been more trouble than it was worth, and to a point an actual danger, is factually true. Even if he Were allowed to enter the country, it would first require total isolation for two weeks, then a slow slog of filming, and then would he have been allowed to go back home? Questionable? Would the guy Want to do it under these circumstances? I can see how somebody just starting out would want the exposure, but He’s not hard up for work, I see him in stuff all the time. He’s a well established actor who doesn’t need a leg up. 

Basically there ain’t nobody thick enough to not work out that a season filmed during the height of covid here not managing to wrangle foreign guest stars is the fault of the virus and not the writing. It’s disingenuous to the extreme to not take into account real world events for the last of 13′s seasons. They were clearly setting him up to return and face his music, i was dreading it happening because i found him just about barable in one episode, I wanted to drop kick him into a sinkhole after the second and no amount of him suffering and dying would have made up for having to put up with him alive before hand to me. 

So basically, had this kind of crap discourse appeared in a decade i’d be kind of thrilled that the future ‘kids these days’ had no clue about Just what we went through in that rather dark part of viral history, because that means it hasn’t happened again, but it’s been like 2 years.

There were tons of things I wanted that I didn’t get because of covid fucking everything up with this show, but that just sucks for me and was unavoidable due to extreme circumstance and I’m not a baby. Ask me, mega fan, if i’d prefer a full episode count with all plot threads wrapped up neatly or nobody on the crew dying due to rushing and i’d pick nobody potentially dying. 

Calling Any of the things stemming from said circumstances a quirk of the writing or being relevant to the era’s themes is So disingenuous it’s galling. They worked with what they had, which was not a lot and was in no way a product of the era’s Vision or whatever you wish to call it. 

The unfairness trained at the ‘girl’ era that is not at the others and the perpetual same talking points are so very old. 

But hell i don’t actually care if you hate it, but you made me waste however long it took me to read that pointless paragraph and made it my problem when I cannot explain how much I did not ask or do not care. Again, I don’t go on peoples posts and tell them their things suck. I am an asshole yeah, but i’m not a prick. And i don’t ever assume total strangers are gonna give a damn what I have to say on their posts because they really Really don’t.  

I feel like 13's era is much more grounded in reality than the others. I think that throws people. It's still ridiculous and fantastical but it leans far more into the idea that This, for however silly it can be and that the doctor is real here, is the world You live in. These are your problems be it societal or personal. The doctor can and will help, but they can only do so much. They cannot magically fix a societal issue no matter how much they want to, they can't solve us killing our planet. They cannot stop violent people using violence for the sake of it. They can't solve systematic poverty. There is optimism in hope in that 'hey You can fix this if you want to and try' but the Doctor isn't expected to have an answer. They cannot come up with a band aid to fix. Societal issue in one fifty minute episode but they sure can yell at people about it.

It puts it on Us.

Which honestly, the state of the world? It's not a bad challenge to issue.

[tarobytez]

disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant. 

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist. 

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is. 

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”. 

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me. 

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.  

Oh fucking boy. 

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully. 

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled. 

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability. 

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community. 

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged. 

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people. 

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted. 

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows. 

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

[that-disabled-radfem]

Happy back-to-school y’all

I’ve attended and worked at a couple of super liberal universities. I avoid the gender studies departments for obvious reasons and I still had a lecture in which the female prof gave a brief overview of TERFs and proclaimed her hatred of JKR. Being openly critical of gender ideology, the porn industry, kinks, and ‘sex work’ are the kind of things that can ruin your future in academia. Not to mention the fact that any speech or actions that could be labelled transphobic (ie. defining woman as adult human female) can get you a suspension according to many universities anti-hate-speech policies. 

So, here’s a list of small and smallish (small in terms of overt TERFery, some may require more effort than others) radical feminist actions you can take as a university student:

(this is a liberal arts perspective so if you’re a stem gal this may not apply. but also if you’re in stem maybe you can actually acknowledge that women are oppressed as a sex class without getting kicked out of school. idk)

(Note for TRAs hate reading this: One of the core actions of radical feminism is creating female networks. This is not so that we can brainwash people into being anti-trans. This is because female solidarity is necessary for creating class consciousness and overturning patriarchy. It is harder to subjugate the female sex when we stand together.)

Take classes with female profs. Multiple sections of a class? Pick the one taught by a woman. Have to chose an elective? Only look at electives offered by women. When classes have low numbers they get cancelled. When classes are super popular, universities are forced to consider promoting the faculty that teach them

Make relationships with these female profs. Go to office hours. Chat after class. Ask them about their research. Building female networks is sooooo important!

Actually fill in your end of year course feedback forms. Profs often need these when applying for tenure or applying for a job at another university so it is very important (especially with young and/or new profs) that you fill out these forms and give specific examples of how great these women are. Go off about what you love about them! Give her a brilliant review because you know the idiot boy in that class who won’t shut up even though he knows nothing is going to give her only negative feedback because he thinks any woman who leaves the house is a feminazi b*tch. 

(note: obviously don’t go praising any prof - female or male - who is blatantly racist, homophobic, etc.)

(Also if you have shitty male profs write down all the horrible things they have done and said and put it in these forms because once a shitty man gets tenure they are virtually untouchable)

(also also, leave a good review on rate my profs or whatever other thing students use to figure out if they want to take classes. idc if you copy paste your feedback from the formal review. rave about the class to your friends. do what you can to get good enrolment for that prof for reasons above.)

Participate in class. Talk over the male students. Say what you mean and mean it. Call out the boys when they say dumb shit

Write about women. If you have the option to make a text written by a woman your primary text in an essay, do it. Pick the female-centred option if you’re writing an exam-essay with multiple prompts. (Profs often look at what works on their syllabus are being written about/engaged with as a marker of whether to keep those texts the next time they teach the class. If there are badass women on your syllabus, write about them to keep them on the syllabus) Use female-written secondary sources whenever possible. 

(pro tip: many women in academia are more than happy to talk to you about their papers. expand your female networks by reaching out to article authors through email and asking them about their cool shit)

Get your essays published! Many departments have undergrad journals you can publish in. This will ensure more people read about the women you write about and will demonstrate to the department that people like learning about women

Consider trying to publish your undergrad essay with a legit peer-reviewed journal. If you can do it, your use of female-written secondary sources boosts the reputations of the women who wrote those secondary sources. Also this helps generally to increase scholarship about women’s writing!

Present your papers at conferences! Many schools have their own undergraduate/departmental conferences that you can present at. Push yourself by submitting to outside conferences. Bring attention to women’s works by presenting your papers. Take a space at a conference that would otherwise be reserved for mediocre men

Talk to your profs and/or your department and/or your university about mandating the inclusion of female works in classes if this isn’t something they do already

Sit next to other women in your classes. Talk to them. Make friends. Form study groups. Proofread each other’s essays. Give each other knowing looks when the boys are being dumb. Just interact with other women! Build those female networks!

Be generous with your compliments. A female classmate and I were talking to a prof after class and the classmate told me (out of the blue) that I always have such interesting things to say. I think about that whenever I’m lacking confidence about my academic skills. Compliment the women in your classes for speaking up, for sharing their opinions, for challenging your classmates/profs, for doing cool presentations, etc.

Talk to other women about sexist things going on on campus. Make everyone aware of the sexist profs. Complain about how there are many more tenured men than tenured women. Go on rate my professor and be explicit about how the sexist profs are sexist

Be active on campus and in societies. If a society has an all male executive or is male-dominated, any women who join that society make it less intimidating for more women to join. Run for executive positions! Bring in more women! 

(Pro tip: Many societies’ elections are super gameable. You can be eligible to vote in a society election sometimes just by being a student at that university — even without having done anything with the society before. Other societies might just require that you’ve taken a class in a particular department or attended a society event. (Check the society’s governing documents.) Use those female networks you’ve been building. If you can bring three or four random people to vote for you, that might be enough for you to win. Societies have trouble meeting quorum (the minimum number of people in attendance to do votes) so it is really super achievable to rig an election with a few friends. And don’t feel bad about this. The system is rigged against women so you have every right to exploit loopholes!)

(Also feel free to go vote “non-confidence”/“re-open election” if only shitty men are running. Too often people see that only candidates they don’t like are running and so they give up. But you can actually stop them getting elected)

Your campus may have a LGBTQIA+alphabetsoup society. That society definitely needs more L and B women representation. It may be tedious to argue with the nb straight dudes who insist that it’s fine to use “q***r” in the society’s posters and that attraction has nothing to do with genitals, but just imagine what could happen if we could make these sorts of societies actually safe spaces for same-sex attracted women and advocated for our concerns

Attend random societies’ election meetings. Get women elected and peace out. (or actually get involved but I’m trying to emphasize the lowest commitment option with this one)

Write for the campus newspaper. Write about what women are doing - women’s sports, cool society activities, whatever. Review female movies, books, tv shows, local theatre productions. Write about sexism on campus. We need more female by-lines and more stories about women

Get involved with your campus’s sexual assault & r*pe hotline/sexual assault survivor’s centre/whatever similar organization your campus has if you can. This is hard work and definitely not for everyone (pls take care of yourself first, especially if you are a survivor)

(If your campus doesn’t have an organization for supporting survivor’s of sexualized violence, start one! This is probably going to be a lot of hard work though, so don’t do it alone)

Talk to your student council about providing free menstrual hygiene products on campus if your campus doesn’t already do this. If your campus provides free condoms (which they probs do), use that as leverage (ie. ‘sex is optional, menstruation is not. so why do we have free condoms and no free pads?’)

If you’re an older student, get involved with younger students (orientation week and such activities are good for this). Show the freshman that you can be a successful and well-liked woman without shaving your legs, wearing heels, wearing make-up, etc. Mentor these young women. Offer to go for coffee or proofread essays. 

Come to class looking like a human being. Be visibly make-up less, unshaven, unfeminine, etc. to show off the many different ways of being a woman

Talk to the custodial staff and learn their names. (I know there are men who work in this profession, but it is dominated by low-income women) Say hi in the hallways, ask them about their lives, show them they’re appreciated

Be explicit with your language. When you are talking about sex-based oppression, say it. Don’t say ‘sex worker’ when you mean survivor of human trafficking. This tip is obviously a bit tricky in terms of overt TERFyness, so use your best judgement

That’s all from me for now! Feel free to add your suggestions and remember that feminism is about action

[star1117-archives]

choi jongho - pretend

𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝

➵ Pairing : Jongho X Gn!Reader

➵ Genre : Yandere

➵ W.C : 1772

➵ Warnings : Threats, Drugging, Kidnapping, Unrequited love, Manipulation, Stalking, Doxxing.

➵ A/N : A bit different to my usual style of writing, lmk what y’all think !!

© 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝟏𝟏𝟏𝟕-𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬. Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, repost or use my work in any way, shape or form.

Jongho was perfect, and you refused to debate the subject. His smile, his temper, his care, his competitiveness. Each and every aspect of him, no matter how negative it was, to you it was a positive.

Ever since you met him as a child, Jongho could do no wrong in your eyes, he was an angel on earth. He deserved not just the world, but the universe, the galaxy. He deserved to be looked after, to not have to worry about a single thing, to only hear compliments and praise.

And you were just the person for the job.

At first, it was just making sure he was okay. Buying his favourite snacks, forever eager to help him with anything he could possibly need, cheering him up when he was down.

You were there for every crush and every breakup, every failure and every achievement. His bestest of friend, always there for him no matter the time of day, the stresses of life.

You did everything for him, lapping up the scraps of affection he gave you like a dog in summer. This little side hug of gratitude, that little kiss on your temple.

But it never went further than that, he never saw you as anything more than a friend. Despite you seeing him as so much more.

──── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ────

“Hey Y/N, I just wanted to say thank you.”

You looked up from writing your notes, a confused expression on your face as Jongho sat up to face you.

“Huh?”

“Thank you.”

You smiled at Jongho, rolling your eyes playfully.

“I heard you silly, I mean what for?”

Jongho just shrugged in response, battling with his thoughts inside his head, trying to organise them into a coherent sentence.

“Y’know.. looking after me. You’ve been doing it practically since we met, so.. thanks.”

Looking the boy up and down in almost disgust, you picked his hand up and kissed it, scoffing afterwards.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m just doing my job. It’s you and me against the world, remember that Choi.”

From there, things took a turn for the worse. You became jealous of his crushes, soon turned girlfriends.

He doted over them, avidly recounting every moment that made his heart beat crazily, even asking you for advice. He was so wrapped up in the hypnotising world of love that he didn’t even notice how you simmered with anger.

But you kept it hidden well, at the very most adding a few snide comments every now and then. You managed to sow seeds of doubt with every small dig, bringing about the end of almost every relationship Jongho had.

──── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ────

“She doesn’t seem that friendly, Jjong… y’know she shoved me so she could pass by? I didn’t even do anything..”

Frowning, Jongho looked away from the tv in concern, his expression one of confusion.

“Really? God, I didn’t know she was like that.”

You nodded with a slight pout, tears welling in your eyes as you sniffed.

“It just h-hurt a lot because she’s r-really nice to m-me when I’m around y-you.. I thought she l-liked me!”

Jongho moved closer to you on the couch, a strong arm wrapping around you.

“Trust me, you won’t have to worry about her anymore. Now stop all this crying, she doesn’t deserve your tears, m’kay?”

You nodded with another sniffle, hands gripping at his t-shirt as you still cried into it. However, on the inside you were doing victory laps around your mind. That stupid bitch isn’t gonna have your man.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, if I’m gonna be totally honest.”

Jongho chuckled quietly, ruffling your hair before carefully kissing your temple.

“Says the one who practically waits on me hand and foot! C’mon, don’t be silly. I’m the one that needs you.”

You smiled into his chest, hugging him tight with a giddy smile. Jongho needs you. He said it himself, he needs you.

“It’s just you n’ me against the world, Y/F/N. We clear?”

Turning to him, your eyes were practically starry as you nodded at him, heart almost beating out of your chest. He remembered! The boy chuckled at your eagerness, brushing hairs out of your face with the care of a lover.

“Good, ‘cause that ain’t ever gonna change. You’re stuck with me for life.”

On the few occasions your words alone didn’t work, you had to take a more… blunt approach. If Jongho wouldn’t listen to you, you’d just have to make sure no one would even try to approach him in the first place.

You started out pretty tame, threatening them via letters, promising to expose their darkest secrets if they kept talking to Jongho. But soon it became worse.

Dead pigeons, rats, frog legs would be left at their doorstep. You’d leave a knife in their house, a note telling them to break up with Jongho without reason or else. And inevitably, each and every single person that perused Jongho left him without a word.

──── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ────

You tutted and stroked Jongho’s hair as he laid on your chest, not crying but clearly affected by his most recent breakup. It annoyed you that he cared about that stupid whore so much, but at least it meant he felt vulnerable enough to come to you. It made your chest swell with pride, the thought that Jongho only needed you. He only broke down in front of you.

“I’m sure it’s not you, maybe something’s going on family-wise. I doubt anyone would be that horrible to just break up for no reason.”

He nodded into your jumper, hands gripping the fabric as his fingertips toyed with it slightly.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just.. it’s happened a few times now. I think it’s me.”

You quickly held his face, forcing his head up slightly so he’d look at you.

“It’s not you, okay? You’re smart and talented and cute and thoughtful and- and just-..”

Your words trailed off when you saw how Jongho was staring at you, his expression a mix of realisation and apprehension. Despite this, you looked at him for a second before speaking.

“And I’m just.. in love with you. Everything about you.”

Jongho let out the breath he was apparently holding, nibbling at his inner cheek and sitting up as the silence spilled out between the two of you. It seemed like hours before he answered you, the distance already a stab in the chest.

“I-… I love you too, Y/N… just not the way you want me to.”

You licked your lips and nodded, gulping before wiping away a quick tear that had managed to escape. Jongho reached a hand out to you, but you pulled back.

“I know you don’t, but you can’t stop me from loving you.”

Jongho’s brows furrowed at this, confused at your indignant tone. He was about to speak but you quickly cut him off.

“Nothing needs to change, so don’t make it necessary.”

The male just stared at you for a second before nodding, assuming you meant distancing yourself to stop the attraction. He couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Things were awkward between the two of you for a while, but eventually the tension settled down and things returned as close to normal as Jongho would allow them to.

He didn’t tell you about his crushes anymore, instead going to one of the others for advice. He became less clingy with you, never fully committing to a hug, no more cheek kisses, not holding your hand as he used to do out of habit.

It hurt him, especially after years of being used to crushing you in a hug whenever he needed it, but he thought it was what was best. You on the other hand, hated this new invisible wall between the two of you. You were determined to smash it to pieces, by any means necessary.

After a particularly stressful week for the both of you, you suggested going out for drinks to celebrate making it to the end. Jongho eagerly accepted, hoping that maybe this was your way of ending whatever this was. Wishful thinking, if he’s gonna be honest.

The night began well, the two of you starting it with a couple shots each. Drinking wasn’t really Jongho’s thing, but you’d insisted that it’d help the two of you relax and fully enjoy the experience, so he agreed.

After that, everything started to go wrong. His vision began to blur, his balance was anything but steady, and his disorientation was so bad that he had hardly any clue where he was. He hadn’t drank that much, surely he hadn’t drank that much, so why did it feel like he’d drunk gallons of vodka?

──── ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ──── ⋅ ⋅ ────

Jongho stumbled towards you in a stupor, and you separated from the people you were with, feigning confusion. He let his hand loosely shoot out, luckily hooking it on your shoulder as he fell forward. You struggled to hold his weight, but that didn’t even matter when he hugged you tight. His voice was deeper than usual, the male hardly lucid.

“Y/N… I don’t f-…feel s’good..”

You pouted and stroked his hair as he rested his head in the crook of your neck, pressing a small kiss to his flushed cheeks.

“I did-dnt drink that… much I don’t know why…-“

Pressing a finger to his lips, you shushed him before shrugging him over to your other shoulder, supporting him on it as his head lolled.

“Can you walk, Darling?”

Jongho was too far gone to notice the pet name, simply nodding and beginning to move. The two of you made your way out of the bar, a few people sending you sympathetic glances yet not bothering to help you out. Eventually you came to your car, your ‘high alcohol tolerance’ meaning you’d planned to drive the both of you home. You helped him lay down, insisting he have a blanket, which you laid over his head. Accidentally, of course.

“Just sleep, Darling. We’ll be home soon.”

This home however, was not the one Jongho was expecting. Instead of driving to his house or even your own, you drove straight into the woods. Following a dirt track, you eventually pulled up to a cabin. The male had visited it before, the miniature hut a gift from your parents a while back. A gift that you’d only shown to him, no one else.

You didn’t have to pretend anymore. Now, he was all yours.

Send me a fake title !!

ੈ✩‧₊˚ Yandere Taglist !! ˊˎ-

@agustd-essert @hyuckilstan @a-soft-hornytiny @nyghtwolff-1117 @artemis-in-your-area @violetwinters @katelynnsqueendom @galaxybambam @yunhobabygurl @lee--felix @multidreams-and-desires @anpanseok @itbecina @kun-flower @ccarpc @yunhosprettyhand @mingitheii @vilavixg @the-answer-is-love-yrself @taehyunscaramelfrappe @mrcarrots @effulgentfireflies @lisa14-blog1 @imwhoever @cactusmalassus @ateezbabysitters @meowmeowminnie @soft-teddybear @cheline @hwarora @a1sh1teruu @fantasy2wonderland @xuxibelle @dazzlingligth @simeonswhore

Apply for the taglists here -> ꕥ༉‧₊˚.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

How long would it take the volturi to solve the Kira case?

Fascinating question, anon, I like it. So much so you get answered much earlier than you normally would be.

Shinigami and the World of Twilight

In Twilight there are few supernatural creatures that remain in our world. There's vampires, children of the moon, and the shapeshifter. However, these need not be the only supernatural creatures.

There have likely been mass extinctions (seen in Children of the Moon) and there may be more creatures that are so uncommon that we just don't see any hint of them.

Death Note's Shinigami easily fall into this category.

They live in another dimension, and in the human world (which they rarely visit in person), they're invisible to the eye save for those who have touched their death note. Their methods of killing are so unobtrusive, (heart attacks by default or whatever method they please), that they're unlikely to be noticed unless someone (i.e. Light) is trying to make a point. And in the grand scheme of things, Shinigami also kill relatively infrequently, meaning that any odd death gets passed off as that: an odd death. Also being forbidden to kill for the sake of a human being means that the deaths tend to be a) random b) whatever amuses them the most. That'd be hard to pick a pattern up of.

Shinigami exist in such a manner that I doubt even the Volturi are aware of them.

Some Ground Rules For the Post

I don't see why vampires would have an innate ability to see Shinigami that humans lack. As a result, the Volturi are in the same boat everyone else is, they can't see a Shinigami unless they touch that Shinigami's notebook.

Also, per the manga, the Kira case takes place from 2003-2010, meaning that as Twilight is happening (or before if Aro and the gang somehow solve this faster than L would), the world is mired in the Kira case.

Bella would certainly have been talking about it in Twilight. As would Edward, as he once had his Kira foray as well if on a much smaller scale and with a lot more junkies.

For the sake of my nitpicky need to have everything line up, we're going to push Death Note back a few years, to the beginning of Twilight.

Also, we're taking out L. If L's there, Aro can rely on him doing most of the work for him and only show up at the end to either murder or turn Light once L's narrowed down exactly who it is. That's not really fair per the ask, we have to leave the Volturi on their own.

With that, let's start.

Kira Makes His Appearance

Light's appearance was by no means subtle, he wanted to be noticed immediately, but he also didn't want to be noticed as a human being.

He made no televised announcements, left no messages, sent in no letters saying, "I am God, tremble before me". Instead, he let his silence speak.

He killed via heart attacks those he considered having broken the law to some heinous degree and then he sat back and watch. The public dubbed him Kira first and he only became a confirmed presence, something more real than a specter and a human who could be caught and brought to justice, when he murdered Lind L. Taylor in a public spectacle.

But this is a world without L, which means no Lind L. Taylor, instead we have Volturi and company in Volterra, utterly unconcerned with the human world.

Of course, they immediately notice once an undeniable pattern becomes clear. Human criminals are dying en masse of heart attacks, someone is making a message. The question is, to what end?

Aro wouldn't immediately think this is a human. This kind of power, this kind of gift, to be able to seemingly kill any person in the world at any time no matter the distance, is something too strong for a human. It would be unheard of to have this much power as a human.

Which means Aro believes he's looking for a vampire breaking the law.

The trouble is, it's only humans. The newborn wars are raging as always, every major coven he's ever heard of remains untouched, and there's been no noticeable uptick of deaths among the vampire population.

The only difference to them is that more of them are dangerously close to breaking the law, as crime rates are now plummeting as criminals live in terror of a spiteful god who might strike them down at any moment. This makes murders performed by vampires, in certain areas, far more noticeable.

(As Light is probably killing off known gang leaders, drug lords, etc. left and right, it's probably pandemonium in certain cities/countries. So vampires are probably alright in these places as I'm sure there's a lot of murder going on as survivors try to fill the power vacuum.)

Still, the Volturi have to put their heads together and try to think why any vampire would do this? To what end would they murder all these humans, in such a noticeable manner, and not even to eat their victims?

Aro concludes he's looking for a very young vampire, likely newborn, someone who still thinks of himself as very human and beholden to human society and who isn't aware of Volterra or else does not consider them a threat.

The Volturi Investigators

I think Aro's going to take the lead on this one. There's his gift, obviously, but he'd by far have the most interest.

Caius would be upset by the nerve of Kira, but he has no patience to track him down either when it becomes exceedingly obvious that this is going to be tricky. That, and it just doesn't seem like his thing to me. He's going to mostly sit this one out.

As for Marcus, he's not up to it.

Which makes Aro our lead detective.

The Investigation

Like L, the first thing they do is try to pinpoint the first deaths. There was the immediate deluge, of course, but that screams of confidence in this assassination gift.

Kira likely needed practice to perfect his gift or even realize he had it at all. There's going to be a first victim and it will probably be messy.

Given enough investigation, this probably leads Aro to Japan, where a man taking children hostage suddenly dies in the middle of the hostage situation when televised on national TV (though not outside of Japan). Given that Kira's a vampire, he could have moved from where he started quite easily, but Aro's willing to bet he's still somewhere in Japan.

What Aro does know is that Kira's keeping close to human society. Kira will be reading human papers, watching human television constantly, and appears to be very well-informed concerning his future victims. Both locally as well as internationally. Kira is likely still in a human settlement.

So, the first thing Aro does is look for an unusual number of casualties in any city or town in Japan. Kira will probably be in the newborn phase, may truly be only a few months old, and given his actions has probably been abandoned by his sire. Even if he has unusually high control, he's got to eat sometime, and thanks to his own actions the murder rate in major cities is way down.

Except... there's no uptick.

Crime, murder, in Japan is universally on a downwards trend. Major cities like Tokyo and small rural villages it's all the same, there's nothing noticeable.

Kira either isn't in Japan or... he's not eating.

Aro wonders if, perhaps this assassination gift of his, somehow feeds Kira. He is, after all, stealing life. He does it via heart attacks but maybe, somehow, the very act of stealing life is all Kira needs. Perhaps he doesn't have to drink blood due to this.

This blows Aro's mind for a few days but eventually he decides that, no, he's never heard of this. True, he's never heard of this gift either, but all vampires drink blood. Even Carlisle, who drinks animal blood, still drinks blood and suffers great negative effects for his avoidance of a natural diet.

Kira the vampire must still eat.

Which means, in the absence of any other explanation... Kira's not a vampire. Kira is likely a very gifted human.

Aro's mind is blown again because Holy Fuck, what a gift. Kira has blown Jane and Alec, who were only immediately noticeable in their own village, completely out of the water.

Except, the trouble is, neither Aro nor anyone else in the Volturi is a detective. Aro knows enough about human society to pay his taxes, to hire secretaries, and keep on the up and up, but he doesn't actually solve human crimes.

What he's looked for for thousands of years are vampires who break the law: and they have certain patterns, motivations, etc. that are more or less easy to spot. More, the entire point of his law is that, if Aro notices then it means you broke it. There are those that can and do fly under his radar.

How is he supposed to find a gifted human who can kill anyone in the world any time he pleases? From a brief perusal of Japanese news, there's no one immediately obvious as gifted or strange by local papers.

From earlier killings, Aro notes that Kira doesn't seem to kill between 8 in the morning to 4 pm, which might make him a student but also could mean he's working those hours.

And even if he is a student? How in the world is Aro supposed to touch the hand of every student in the entire country of Japan? Aro, who makes it a point not to navigate the human world.

Aro Calls in the Expert

When you want to hang out with the humans, there's only one vampire to call: Carlisle Cullen. As we're setting this in early Twilight, neither Eclipse nor Breaking Dawn have happened. To the Cullens, and Carlisle, Aro is simply a wise king and Carlisle's old friend.

And I'm sure Carlisle has been watching the Kira case very closely and is very disturbed by the entire thing. Kira's methods are very much not Carlisle's m.o.

Aro gives Carlisle what he knows: Kira's probably a gifted human, probably somewhere in Japan, probably in school, and has access to an extensive amount of human media.

That's it.

That's all Aro's got.

As for the police at large, without L, they haven't even narrowed it down to Japan yet.

Carlisle points out that, as much as he hangs out with humans, he doesn't think he could find the needle in the haystack either. However, he definitely wants to help in any way he can.

However, they do have something. Aro can't touch the hand of everyone in Japan, however, Edward can unobtrusively listen to a much larger segment of the population.

(Alice is off the table as she's best able to see the future of those close to her. Without knowing who Kira even is, let alone being close to him, she has no idea what he's going to even do next. She's likely very frustrated by this.)

Surely, whoever Kira is, he or she will be contemplating their victims more often than not. It's a long shot, but Edward might be able to find that needle in a haystack.

How's Edward Feel About That?

Edward's extremely conflicted. On the one hand, he doesn't want to disappoint Carlisle, and this is the first time Carlisle has ever asked him for a favor of this magnitude. And, in theory, Carlisle is right, all creatures are worthy of life.

On the other hand, Edward's on Team Kira. He thinks these rapist, murderer, pigs all deserve to die and is rooting for Kira to put the fear of God into them. Emphasizing this is when Bella was nearly raped in Port Angeles, but her would be rapist suddenly remembered himself and vomited in terror at the idea that he might be next should he get caught raping her. (As it is, Edward catches him, and a few weeks later he dies of a heart attack in prison. Edward pops the champagne).

More, if Edward goes to Japan, it means he has to leave Bella. Bella has proven she cannot survive without his personal protection. More, he's not sure he can survive without her presence. He can hardly contemplate the idea of leaving Bella, though he ultimately must, but to do so soon? He though he'd have a few more years, likely until they graduate, but now he and the family would have to move all the way to Japan in a matter of days.

Not to mention this would be letting Aro know that Edward's... not technically breaking the law but not not breaking the law either. Bella clearly suspects he's not human, she just doesn't have the right word.

And then to give Kira up to the Volturi? To have his activities stopped, to be turned and placed into the guard, or else murdered? Edward feels like he'd be selling out the brother he never knew.

But also Carlisle and imagining Carlisle's sad, disappointed, face.

Edward says yes but he really wants to say no.

He sneaks into Bella's room in the middle of the night, and for the first time, makes her aware of his presence. He tells her that regretfully he must leave her, he's off to do a man's work and catch Kira, and that they will never see each other again.

Then to Edward's horror and disappointment, Bella's completely on board for Edward catching Kira and thinks it's the noblest thing he could do. Charlie, being a chief of police, utterly despises Kira and Bella carries forward this sentiment. People deserve the due process of law, not being murdered off by some jackass conning people into believing he's a god.

Bella wishes him luck and tells him to return as soon as he can.

Edward just numbly says he won't be returning. This really is it. Goodbye forever.

Bella's utterly broken (though not nearly as much as canon as Edward didn't dump her for being boring).

Edward in Japan

Well, turns out, Edward's not actually that useful. There's a few problems.

First, there are a lot of people out there claiming to be Kira, or even convincing themselves that they're Kira. They do this to brag, to feel special, for any number of reasons.

None of them are Kira.

Second, Edward can only go out on cloudy days or at night, this severely limits when he can wander the streets and the people he'll run into. More, even if he starts with Tokyo, Tokyo's a big place. That's a lot of wandering to do.

Third, say that Edward does come across Light Yagami. Edward immediately dismisses him as being utterly insane. See, Light Yagami is talking to his imaginary friend, Ryuk, bickering about which apples they should buy from the store. Edward sees the giant clown demon that Light believes only he can see and goes, "Ah, another lunatic, cheerio."

Edward does not find Kira.

The Investigation Continues

Aro likely keeps Edward at it for months. It doesn't matter how long it takes, they're going to track down Kira and they're going to find him. It might take years, but dammit, they'll find him. Edward despairs that he will ever be able to go back to normal life.

Luckily for the gang, Bella saves their bacon.

Bella, ruminating on Edward's mission and on Kira, starts doing her own internet investigation. She doesn't get very far, but she does have those prophetic dreams to help her out.

Bella has a seriously weird dream about the moon, night gods, Kira, demons that look like giant crows, notebooks, and Light Yagami's face. Somehow, just as in canon with vampires, Bella's able to somehow put this together.

She calls up Edward (as they parted on more amiable terms, and so quickly, Edward did not yet disconnect his number) and tells him that Kira's name is Light Yagami, he's attending the University of Tokyo as the top student, and his murder weapon is an evil notebook.

How does she know this?

She looked it up on the internet.

Well, Edward isn't sure how to take that, but he also has nothing to lose. They find Light Yagami, Aro shakes his hand, and holy shit, Bella Swan was right. (Aro now decrees that she will be turned, much to Edward's horror and insistence that she has no idea he's a vampire, and has plans to recruit her for his guard).

What Are We Going to Do About Light?

Well, on the one hand, Aro discovered a new species today that he can do nothing about. Luckily, they seem to have their own laws that have more or less the same result as the Volturi laws: don't get noticed.

On the other hand, he's disappointed that this all-powerful gift was not a gift at all.

On the other other hand, Light does not seem to be an ordinary human. He's... lucky, for lack of a better term. No, it's more that he doesn't need luck, he somehow has such an awareness of everything around him that he assimilates it perfectly into his own plans. As if he can manipulate the very universe to his favor.

That's intriguing and useful, and in any other situation, Aro would jump on taking that chance and at least seeing what happens.

So the question becomes, does Aro turn Light or not? On the one hand, that's a useful gift, on the other hand, this kid's a loose cannon and a lunatic.

This Kira thing cannot continue, and Light, even as a vampire, would likely insist on continuing it somehow.

Luckily, there's a solution to this.

Aro burns the notebook, much to Ryuk's protesting despair. Light loses his memories of Ryuk, the notebook, and having been Kira. Before Light even knows what's happening, Aro turns him.

Three days later, Light wakes up a very confused vampire, gets the Volturi pitch with Chelsea there to help loosen bonds, and accepts a position in the guard to, oddly enough, stop those like Kira.

Aro's confused, but hey, they'll see how this Light thing works out. Aro also likely tells himself that he will watch for Ryuk trying to drop Light another notebook like a hawk.

The Kira case is never solved for humans: Kira just disappears one day as if he never existed. As for Light, I imagine he plots the destruction of the newborn armies, and Caius watches in utter fascination as this kid ruthlessly exterminates them all.

Bella is shortly turned into a vampire, much to Edward's despair, and due to the giant mess of this is also likely recruited to Volterra.

How Long Does This Take?

Given the need for the Volturi to first investigate, then Edward, I give them at least a year. Maybe a year and a half.

And really, it's Bella who saves their bacon.

[say-narry]

Ride it

Characters: Harry!husband x Reader

Word count: ~1.8K

Warnings: insinuations, oral sex, explicit sex

Author's note: I don't know much about basketball, but here it is. Again, English is not my first language.

Versão em PT-BR

***

I felt that sometimes Harry didn't learn how competitive I was, even after years of marriage. We had a bet on which of our favorite basketball teams would win tonight and well, I won.

We were at an NBA championship game, me rooting for my big Lakers and Harry for the Celtics.

Between dunks and shots, Lakers won 81-71. It was a good game for both teams and even better for me.

I avoided my little victory dance so as not to hurt Harry, he hated to lose and I knew how hurt he was like a kid without dessert, so since he had lost, I just clapped my hands and smiled.

After leaving the crowd that came to take a picture with Harry, even the Lakers fans, we had made it into the car. I just glared suggestively at Harry and he just ignored me or stuck out his tongue like a tantruming child.

What can I do? He invented this and also the payment of the bet, my team just did their job.

We put on our seat belts and Harry started the car.

Harry hummed softly and I bit the ligaments in my fingers with my elbow against the car door, while H drove through the streets of Los Angeles.

The music had changed from quiet to more upbeat, I loved it, and like cartoons, a light bulb went on above my head.

I still hadn't thought for sure what my prize would be, but Harry, if I had won we would have to do heavier banter in public, since I was very reserved being a kindergarten teacher, but I think I might go further tonight.

"Let it be, let it be, let it be known..." I began "Touching and teasing me, telling me no, but this time I need to feel you..." I held Harry's hand that rested on the backrest between us. He pulled it lightly and kissed it, without taking his lips off the road, I couldn't wait to have fun tonight.

***

We arrived a few minutes later, I went to the bathroom in our suite while Harry activated our house alarm.

I literally ran through the shower, grabbed the lilac silk camisole that barely covered my buttocks. I had bought it the day after we had placed the bet, but I hadn't told Harry, I wanted him to have fun too if I won.

Grabbing my perfume from the huge shelf in our bathroom, I sprayed it on my neck, between my breasts and wrists. I untied my hair and that was it.

A beautiful hot girl.

I lay down in the middle of our bed and crossed my legs waiting for Harry to arrive, I grabbed my cell phone that I had left on the bedside table and looked for a song in the playlist setting it on the TV installed on the wall of the room.

"Babe, how about we plant..." Harry opened the door and faced me "...Daisies outside, but what's that? I lost the bet..." His mischievous grin appeared in moments.

"We can both win the bet, Mr. Styles." I blinked returning the smile.

Harry was wearing a white button down shirt with sleeves, there was a Celtics logo printed on it with dark maroon pants matching the top and black all stars.

His hand hooked on the first button of his blouse, but I stopped him.

"No sir... I want to see you take off your clothes, but slowly and with background music." I lifted my body and spread my legs a little, giving Harry the view to see that I was wearing the panties he loved most on my body.

Grabbing the TV remote, I put the music on. Harry had his hands resting on his waist, his cheeks had blushed repeatedly and his head was shaking negatively.

"Come on, baby... This will be my prize," I whimpered a little.

"A strip tease, honey? You swear?" He laughed nervously, he really didn't expect it.

"I've already done it for you and you know how much I like this song. I stood up and went bouncing over to Harry, his hands sliding from my waist to my buttocks, where I could feel his fingers pressing hard into my flesh to the point where I could feel the frosting of his rings.

Kissing the jaw that I idolized so much, I moved slowly down to Harry's neck, and he closed his eyes with a sigh and nodded.

I kissed him and turned my back to the edge of the bed, biting my lips to hold back my victory shout.

I went back to the music from the beginning after groping around the bed for my cell phone, Harry had dimmed the light even more, letting only the brightness of the full moon shining through the glass illuminate his body.

Harry's fingers slowly unbuttoned his shirt, slowly revealing the tattoo of birds and the butterfly on top of his belly.

He looked down at me, his eyes staring into mine as I felt my breathing become heavy. I didn't deny how much power Harry had over me, nothing to do with S&M, but he exuded sympathy and sensuality, and it held me in a surprising way.

As soon as he finished unbuttoning his shirt, it fell from his shoulders to the floor, I don't know if he had done it on purpose as I rambled on, but the V-shaped line giving the path to my happiness was showing in conjunction with the branch tattoos.

I could feel my panties getting wet. Harry blinked slowly at me, which made me bite my lips as a reflex.

Holding the button of his pants like it was the heaviest thing in the world, Harry brought out his tattooed biceps, I wanted him to hold me tight with those arms and I had Harry's physical trainer to thank for that, he really went all out with his training routines.

The button on his pants was like a signal to come back from my thoughts "Stop dreaming and focus on me, (Y/N), I'm here and I'm your man!"

Okay, I am no longer feeling my legs, only the river that had formed between them.

Walking slowly over to me, Harry held my face tilting it so that I could look at him. I struggled to find words due to the closeness and warmth being emanated from the palm of his hands. "I'm just admiring you, Hazz..."

Leaning his face up to my ear, Harry let out "I make you hot, baby girl?" I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I noticed his erection strongly marking his pants, making my mouth water, I just moaned softly in agreement.

With that, he planted a kiss just below my ear before continuing down my neck and along my collarbone. His teeth brushed against my skin a few times, but the feel of his tongue soothing each spot made me cry out for him between softer moans.

Over the top of the sweater, he reached for my breasts, Harry kneading them, until his fingers laced through the shoulder straps and down my arms.

Putting one knee between my legs, Harry slipped his arm around my waist and pushed my body to the middle of the bed.

Lying on top of me and with my breasts already showing, he deftly caressed one while his mouth worked on another nipple, gently flicking and swirling his tongue around it.

I arched my back involuntarily and my fingers tugged at his hair with the sensation. "Harry." I sighed his name between the faint moans escaping my lips.

"You are as sweet as your scent, my woman," he murmurs against my skin. "I need to taste you for the rest of my life, know this."

"Hmm" I murmur as he moves to stand between my legs, gently pulling my panties down in one swift motion. He settles into place, kissing the inside of my thigh, stopping before where I needed it most, doing the same with my other thigh. "Stop teasing," I beg.

Harry chuckled lightly. "Patience, dear."

But as soon as the words are out of his mouth, he runs his finger through my folds, stopping at my clit, applying enough pressure to make my head fall back against the pillow.

He quickly replaces his finger with his mouth, kissing my clit before sliding his tongue down my slit, teasing my already wet entrance.

Harry places his mouth back on my clit, swirling his tongue around and flicking it. He hums against me, enjoying the noises he is causing in me, and my back arches out of the bed.

"Don't stop," I exhale with my eyes closed.

I feel him shove two fingers inside me, and from that moment on, I that I wouldn't last much longer. As he pumped his fingers firmly, I could feel that euphoria approaching fast.

"I'm going to cum," I grunted. "Fuck!"

"Mhm," he hums against me, "But already, my love?"

My eyes close harder as the orgasm coursed through my body.

My thighs trembled as Harry continues to work. He slowed the movement of his fingers and used his other hand to rub his side gently.

When I opened my eyes again, his face was in front of me. "Hi," he whispers and leans in for a brief kiss.

Time to reciprocate, I thought already stretching my hand towards his member, he interrupts me by grabbing my wrist and I face him "Today is about the winner...," he says. "And now, I need to be inside you." "I like that, love..." I confessed. With a teasing laugh, Harry kneels between my legs and removes his pants with his underwear, leaving his cock pointed up and with its lubricated little head in my field of vision.

Without time to think much, my admiration turns into a groan as I feel him begin to thrust into me.

"Great game, lovie!" he teases and I let out a gasping laugh. He gives me a second to relax and adjust, nudging his side and taking my hand, intertwining my fingers with his.

"Still with me?"

I exhale and smile at him. "Yes, keep going."

It takes a few strokes before he is fully in me, Harry sets a steady pace, and I revel in the pleasure.

"Shit," he utters. "Do you feel as good as I do, baby?"

I can't say much except moan as I feel him stretching me taut. Harry places his thumb on my clit and begins rubbing in tight circles. My eyes almost roll back, and I can feel the next orgasm growing inside me.

"I'm close," he groans hoarsely. "I want you to cum with me, baby."

I whimper as I hear his tone and nod my head. His movements become faster and his breathing becomes more irregular.

"Oh, God," I say choking, as my body begins to tremble with his second orgasm. "So good, Harry..."

The supreme sensation makes me involuntarily squeeze his member inside me. Harry stands still and settles down, and with a groan, I feel him release himself inside me.

He rests his forehead against my shoulder as we both try to catch our breath. I rub his back slowly, feeling my fingernails leave some marks.

When he lifts his head, Harry had a few drops of sweat all over his face, but without taking my beloved smile away... "I never thought I would say this, but I hope the Lakers win more often from now on."

I give a muffled laugh stealing a kiss.

Lakers... win again, please.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey you! If you like it, please tell me to keep encouraging me.