#okay so i had a breakdown today
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Yes these have all already been posted, but 2023 Vettonso comp post for me because I'm going to have an emotional breakdown
#i dont want to sound like a maniac but. i manifested this JDKFLGLVLV#okay but understand. ive been vettonso posting for like 3 or so weeks now#have been drawing them like its my god damn career#have been squealing and screeching over them with everyone#and like oh hey! they're both gonna be at suzuka! and seb is having a bee event! maybe nando will go!#BUT THEN NO I DONT HAVE TO JUST LIVE WITH SCRAPS. I GOT A WHOLE FUCKING MEAL#I AM GOING TO SCREAM AND CRY AND ROLL AROUND THE FLOOR#*i say as if i haven't done all of those things in quick succession after seeing these#yknow very fortuitous time for my parents to have gone on a vacation. so they didnt have to be witness to the emotional breakdown i just had#i was making noises that have not been uttered by human beings before :)#BUT LIKE INWAS LITERALLT JUDT DRAWING VETTONSO FANART#AND I FINISHED IT AND SCHEDULED IT#and was all silly in the tags like 'haha wonder if we'll get any interaction'#and then i go to scroll tumblr one last time before slepeing and I RECEIVE THIS FUCKING 12 COURSE MEAL#i cannot actually describe the emotion i felt when i first saw the pic#like genuine fucking shock through my body like just was like 'is this actually happening'#i said to C today 'i will be happy if we even get a pic of them within eachother's vicinity'#and well wow. theyre certainly within each others vicinities rn#if we actually get any more pics i think i will keel over i think i will actually turn into dust and powder on the floor#UGHHHHHHH JUST THE TIMING!!!!!! THEY DID IT FOR ME 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#sometimes manifesting does work. after you draw like 20 hours worth of art of them#im trying to be concise but i really cant#because its literally just animal screeching and whining noises in my head rn#HOW DO I SLEEP AFTER THIS???????????????#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#2023 japanese gp#we do a little bit of f1
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i was able to go to the dr today and i got treatment for the infection im so relieved i was so scared i was dying of sepsis. i can say it now bc im not afraid im dying from it 😭 but like oh man that was so scary. i ended up going to urgent care/walk-in clinic instead of waiting til april 21st for my appt with my primary care dr and im so glad i did. they gave me strong as fuck ibuprofen so now im feeling like him
#when the abscess tries to kill you. but you’re just a chill guy#it didnt try to kill me i got treatment before the infection could get so bad but it was scary for a while ok#and it was free :D im so relieved#idk what happened but everything that couldve gone right went right today. yayyyy im gonna sleep for 12 hrs now#ok well actually finding a clinic that accepts my insurance was extremely difficult#like i called a bunch of clinics and showed up to one and did paperwork and everything#and when i handed it to her the lady at the front desk was like Oh! we dont accept that insurance#even though she said they did over the phone#so i was just like Oh 😀 Okay. and then i left and i had a breakdown in the car LOL#but it’s ok my bf found a clinic that takes my insurance and they were so kind AND IT WAS FREEEEEEEE#anyways. ty my beloved mutuals for dealing with my leo-hearted dramatics 💌#ok. ok NOW im sleeping. if you read this far ily<3
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It's my mental breakdown and I get to watch my comfort movie and hold a tiny version of my f/o <3
#my sister got picked up ealry from school so I had to turn it off but. I got to watch it for a little whilw lol#fun fact: veggietales in general is a Huge comfort media for me :]#anyway ummmm not watching the movie anymore but I am still holdingtiny Zooble so everything is okay 👍#andyeah sadly I must admit that I am Not doing okay at all today :[#I've been on the verge of a breakdown all day#dw I'm doing slightlt better now
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Not to be extreme but dear God hold onto hope.
Things will be better one day. People will sing and dance in colorful clothes under dazzling lights again. A parent will rock their child to sleep on a quiet night again. A grandparent will teach their grandchild to cook a family recipe again. People will laugh and cry and love and grieve in the most mundane of ways once more. This will happen no matter what you believe, but hoping and believing in such things will ease your heart and kindle your resolve to see it within your lifetime. Have hope, and you will give life to the world you hope to see.
#ra speaks#personal#current events#okay to reblog btw it’s easy to fall into despair with the news of late but do not surrender your hope#hey so like. had a kinda bad breakdown last night. for personal reasons and *gestures* my deep rooted sense of justice as an autistic human#and I saved the first line of this post as a draft while crying at 10 PM#and not much has changed today but. I am secure in my hope for a better world. my belief in justice for those wronged.#maybe not tonight. maybe not tomorrow. but soon - one day - I will see celebrations of life and love and home for a people torn asunder#I can’t do much. I want to do more than sit safe and cry out for those who have lost their voices to the violence#I’m angry. I’m grieving. but most importantly I’m imbued with hope and love. it’s the least I can do.#and most days it will be all I can do. and should the opportunity arise to do more I will take hold of it with both hands until it burns me#the very same way hope now burns in my heart with the complete conviction that there will be justice and reckoning for these crimes#anyways. my blood sugar is low I forgot to eat dinner. have hope and feed it with the anger and grief you cannot act on now.#vocational woes
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everything will be ok :) https://www.tumblr.com/sonic-voices/164562137054/everythingll-be-okay?source=share
I am literally going to cry thank you tails
#Also thank you anon I really really really appreciate it#Took a shower. Am feeling marginally better.#Uhhhh kinda vent further on in the tags so warning for that#My room is kinda messy and it's such a stupid minor thing to have a breakdown about but I physically cannot#Clean it and I don't know why and the fact it's dirty is making everything worse#WHICH. isn't the only issue actually I have a lot of those rn but today was just really stressful and exhausting#And I feel bad and gross#The shower did help tho#AND. Positive note I guess. IT TOOK ME LIKE 3 HOURS BUT I FOLDED MY BASKET OF LAUNDRY#Laundry is horrid and it had been sitting there for like 2 weeks unfolded BUT I DID IT so I think I'm kinda proud of me now idk#Anyways thank guys this too will pass I'll be okay
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I feel like I’ve lived through at least a month just in the past 3 days. I checked the date just now and damn near had an out of body experience when I realised Monday was only two days ago
#bro the absolute sodding emotional rollercoaster i have been through this past week should be studied by scientists#thursday: unsuccessful job interview. friday: found out that the job interview was unsuccessful. but one of the interviewers (actually a#former colleague of mine lol) gave me a piece of feedback that made me feel like i’d cracked the code for all future interviews#it was this: keep. talking. give as many details as humanly fucking possible. talk about policy. drop in words like safeguarding#list as many examples of stuff as you can. tell stories. bamboozle them#OH i forgot to even fucking mention we had builders at our house until friday. friday was the last day they woke me up with a cacophony#so the weekend was uneventful aside from there was a skip in the driveway and scaffolding all down the side of the house but zero men#monday: successful interview. found out it was successful 5 hours later. got off the phone having accepted the job…… and found a text from#my old boss (the boss i had at the job i really enjoyed. that old boss) inviting me to come back this summer#i had a bit of a mental breakdown but eventually decided to stick with the job i’d just got because it’s a permanent contract and they will#let me sit down#yesterday: found out that the foster doggy i applied for and really wanted is going to her forever home on thursday (which is now tomorrow)#obviously i love this for her but i was like ‘damn. okay’#today: the foster co-ordinator was like ‘hey do you want to foster this rambunctious 3 year old unneutered terrier?’#i was like ‘sure yeah what the fuck. that might as well happen’#(they are neutering him beforehand. and he looks really cute. he’s not aggressive he’s just a young terrier with like 3 brain cells)#unless something finally kills me in the meantime i’m picking him up on monday. i cancelled therapy in order to do this. yes i’m well aware#that there’s a metaphor somewhere in there but it’s fine. i rescheduled therapy#i also have realised i do not know how and when i’m going to get my ssri prescription renewed… i know the pharmacy will call me in a couple#of weeks to make sure i haven’t died. but i think i was supposed to get a prescription renewal at therapy#the therapy i won’t be going to until like 5 days after my prescription runs out. that therapy. foook#honestly withdrawal symptoms would probably just spice up the situation at this point. they’d just make things interesting#i swear to god everything always gets crazy and stupid right before my birthday… remember when i turned 26 and couldn’t drink because i#was on antibiotics for a kidney infection. and when i turned 27 and one of my wisdom teeth tried to emerge#this is like that except with dogs and jobs. at least the skip and the scaffolding are gone now#i AM trying to sell a sofa on facebook marketplace so wish me luck with that ig#personal
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why must january be so insane
#ur telling me i’ve done So Much shit and it’s still not over???????#ur telling me in the same Month i ****** *** ****** AND got into a car accident AND painted almost an entire living room by myself#there were other things this month but those three r the most wild cause they’re Very different from each other#too much man#i feel insane#too many different Things in january#okay to be fair i feel insane cause the car accident was Today😭#THATS BESUDE TGE POINTT#i’ve had too many breakdowns in 2024 already for it to me january still#🐀
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dewey in scream 5: i've been stabbed nine times, i've got permanent nerve damage, and a fun little limp. me, a hotch girl:
#i had a breakdown earlier today so i watched a bunch of movies and i feel... not better but okay#taking a quick time out from crimmy minds to watch scary movies#but still haunted by it nonetheless#.doc#anyway someone give hotch a fun little limp or by god i'll do it myself
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so what you are telling me is its that bad.
#hi (explosions)#turns out my fear of being disliked and/or hated by authority figures is much much worse than i thought#(<-he had to ask permission to go to the bathroom and had a panic attack because his teacher was a tiny bit rude to him in a subject that/#/was not about him at all and was a misunderstanding + the teacher even apologized later)#ahem anyway. i did not know i could cry as silently as i did today#im better now. i'll be fine in approximately ten minutes now that im home#its our english teacher she had a tiny misunderstanding of a situation and said something like ''its a terrible feeling when you feel/#/betrayed by a person you saw as an equal and cared a lot about'' (me) and after seeing me breakdown so quickly she realised that wasnt/#/what happened.#still! terrifying#do not mind how normally im talking about it here i was very much so trembling. on the other hand i am perfectly fine and everythings okay#not as unrelatedly as i'd like it to be i got peer-reviewed for bpd by a friend today. great#♚ — vent !#i guess?
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there are bad days and then there are days so ordinarily good brought upon by nothing else but nice coworkers. and post
#the striking disparity between the utter shit breakdown last night to me tonight humming songs and smiling at the thought of my day..#it wasn’t even Great. it was so totally ordinary but i fully enjoyed work today bc everyone was so Nice!#my fav coworker bought me a coke from the vending machine bc i ‘hadn’t had my daily coke yet.’ and he also had 50 cents#and another got me a new label for my name tag with little hearts beside my name and our newest manager (he’s british. this is a#distinction) asked me if i was doing okay today which i was but he said it so earnestly i almost cried#it could have been the collective craze of knowing an Important Person was coming in today but they were all so good! sometimes your day is#made by your coworkers and i think there it beauty in that. peace and love and all that#someone shut her (liv) up!
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it's an odd feeling when you realise you've actually been doing pretty well like there's been a couple hiccups but nothing drastic and it kinda feels like the other shoe really should be dropping
#i havent hurt myself deliberately in months#i havent had a panic attack in months#i have coping skills that are helpful and im getting better at recognising when i feel bad#depersonalisation is an issue but its not too bad most of the time#i let myself sleep in today because i was so tired and i woke up an hour later feeling awake and ready to shower#anyway i kinda feel like i should have a panic attack or a breakdown or something#just because that part of me is fading a little and it it spiteful and hurting and doesnt want to leave#thats okay lil guy i wont forget you#you dont have to hurt me to be a part of me
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some updates uhm. i finished up cody's valentine's day prompt!! i haven't started on bo's or carmina's but hopefully i cant get started on one of them tomorrow if the universe will permit it.
#archived mind of v: thoughts and opinions.#idk if i wanna post cody's tonight or not#today has. not been a good day.#i'm gonna get so serious right now so if you don't want to read that just stop looking at the tags but#things have been happening irl since last year that have made me#less than okay and today has really just#reminded me that i am not in the best situation and it's just#i write mostly as a coping mechanism more than anything else but#writing just seems so hard to do rn with everything going on#it makes me feel bad for finding comfort in it#so it might take a moment or two for me to like. work on bo's nd carmina's prompts#just give me a few days to recover#i already had one breakdown tonight so im trying to keep myself from having another#i'll try posting cody's prompt in the morning#sorry for continuously making promises and failing to come through on them#but thanks for being patient. i love you all
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finally beating writer’s block and all it took was a desperate attempt to distract myself from the consequences of exhaustion
#Almost had a mental breakdown in public for no reason today#All the emotions I don’t know how to sort through hit me like a train whenever I don’t sleep enough lol#Like okay body. I’m crying in a college lobby because I’m slightly overstimulated. Can we not#Like this mascara isn’t very waterproof could we have random overwhelming emotions later please??#But I wrote almost 500 words in one sitting#I’m so tired though they probably make no sense but at least I’m writing#Had to do a lot of socializing this week with no escape and I’m so fucking tired#Tryna avoid that post burnout emotional numbness yk#hopefully no one notices if I’m irregularly quiet these next couple of days lol#I can’t even force myself to make eye contact with people rn#Real pain in the ass whenever this happens#forgot self care involves a lot of conscious effort smh#delete later#vent#sorta#I am really happy about having ideas for writing again lol#the motivation just wasn’t ideal
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ive started doing voice memos as a way to ground myself as well as act as an audio diary
#p#todays been my secobd time doing this but both recordings for today have been over 5 minutes (9 and 15 respectively)#thats how you know ive not been doing so hot#i really wish i had the like. ability to talk to someone about this#instead of my phone#that im able to say all this to someone and have them see ((((me))))#and not this stupid fucking mask ive got stuck on my face#<- the topic of todays breakdown everyone. identity issues#who am i etc etc#okay bye love u
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..
#dancer colleague abandoned me. he asked to switch classes bc he couldn't take our 5th graders any more#it's fair tho i don't blame him. and we still share shifts so!!!#he's the one that got absolutely bashed by the parents. took everything on himself leaving me out for the majority of the time#now im with teddy bear colleague who's only good at well looking pretty and that's it lmaoo#kids already told me he [dancer colleague] is out you're next#at the beginning of the school year nobody wanted this class bc of how problematic they are so we ended up taking them#they literally had three colleagues switching classes last year. then me and dancer colleague took them#and we kinda agreed to ask our boss to switch us out together but i am so so worried about a student with a delicate situation#and they're very shy and only now they're starting to trust me so i preferred staying with this class to see if i can do something about it#ah but dancer colleague was so nice today!! in the middle of the shift he came to check on me and asked me if i was okay 😭#he literally saw me on the verge on a mental breakdown trying to handle 42 kids while teddy bear colleague was sleeping while standing...#and he cracked a joke and he was so so so nice you guys i melted#teddy bear colleague is. not it he can't handle kids for shit and especially not this class 😭#i'm gonna go crazy doing all this shit on my own#nora purtroppo parla
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Have we learned nothing. Have we truly learned nothing.
#back in march i had this epic breakdown#my mom was really worried about me. she was like ‘is there anything i could do to help you?’#i was like yeah. you could try to understand my issues or if you can’t understand them; at least respect that i have them#just stuff like i need reminders and i need some stuff to be spelled out to me fairly clearly otherwise i don’t remember how to do it#so tell me why today i was like ‘sorry just a sec i need to set a reminder on my phone to do laundry’ and she laughed at me??#‘what do you mean you need to set a reminder to do laundry?’ what’s not clicking. i said what i said#‘well don’t you see the full washing basket’ no i quite literally will not see it#anything i’ve seen more than like twice just becomes part of my background. i cease to notice it#i bought a new dvd player like 2 weeks ago and it’s still in its box next to the tv and i haven’t set it up yet because i genuinely do not#recall that it’s even there most of the time. and when i DO remember that it’s there there’s invariably something else i have to do first#and by the time i’ve completed THAT i’ve forgotten about the dvd player#‘how do you forget about something you can see with your eyes’ christ how should i know#i THINK. although i’m not certain. but i THINK it’s called being ambiguously neurodivergent. i’m not sure though!!!!#bear in mind here i’m not asking anyone else to come in and support me or do anything for me#i’m literally just asking not to be made fun of for the methods i set up to support MYSELF in doing these tasks#literally stuff like setting a reminder TO DO LAUNDRY or putting trash in a really inconvenient place#so i’ll trip over it and then go ‘oh yeah’ and take it out#i’m also asking for my issues to not be made fun of. especially when they’re harmless#it literally doesn’t affect anyone but me that i haven’t set up my dvd player yet. it doesn’t even affect me that muchd#just pisses me off. ‘is there anything i could do to help you’ you could stop making me feel like absolute garbage for something my brain#does & that i don’t want it to do. you could especially not make fun of me when i try to cope with it#she really said ‘okay’ to that and then. didn’t. lol#if you don’t understand just say that#personal
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