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Wowie rly digging the yandere clone headcanons… how would each react if their darling tried to run away from them?!
You said tried so I assume this was a failed attempt!
Short answer: they get really upset and try making it your fault (shocker.) Ain't no way any of these mfs think they're the problem. Good news! you're mostly unharmed and alive.
This will just be purely writing bc i mostly had thoughts! sorry no drawing this time!!
[cw! mentions of potential harm to reader (no actual harm done), manipulation, toxic relationship dynamics (yandere flavor), obsessive behavior]
Sekido
You're always being hunted the moment the sun comes down and you don't return home in time. Reasons like that are exactly why he hates it when you part from him.
This time is different.. he can't find you in your usual spots. There's no fucking way, right?
How could you.. No, how DARE you? Do you think that he's some joke? That his feelings for you are something that you can run away from like it's nothing?
The second he's sure the sun won't harm him, he's already white knuckling his khakkhara, swinging at anything and everything in his path until he gets to you.
They know how to sense if you're near or not, hell, they probably know how your specific blood type smells like.
Did you think cuddling up to you and memorizing every detail about you was for nothing? Don't be stupid. All he needs is a trace of you and he's gone in the blink of an eye.
You better enjoy running while you can because when he catches you, and he will, those legs of yours won't have much use after he's done with them.
Sekido doesn't WANT to do this, but you honestly give him no choice. After he trusted you enough to stop looking over his shoulder, you do this? How can he ever put any faith in you again!?
On the bright(?) side, Sekido's rage wouldn't be solely on you, it'll ricochet onto everyone, especially the other clones and himself.
They were supposed to be looking after you! But they can't do anything right, even a task as simple as this.
And why did he think it was a good idea to trust them with something of big importance when all they do is fuck everything up!? Everyone's idiocy is rubbing off on him!
The entire time on his search for you, he's cursing and wanting to crush anything he can get his hands on, especially your bones.
He doesn't even bother with speaking to the others, too busy spewing out all sorts of hurtful and frustrated comments about everything.
The brutal thought that you’d rather run away than be with him isn't one he wants to entertain, but it's echoing in his head.
At least, once the other clones get there, Karaku and Aizetsu brawl with Sekido so you're unharmed while Urogi carries you overhead.
Sekido's jealousy flares up when he sees you in Urogi's arms, making him even more pissed if that's even possible. Great, now he looks like the bad guy and the other three, the saviors. Fucking perfect.
There's a lot of yelling and a lot of blood, especially with Urogi making things so much more annoyingly difficult in the air. Karaku and Aizetsu aren't helping. Why is Sekido suddenly the problem?! You ran away!!
But when he calms down enough, he's cursing at everyone through clenched teeth. Sometimes trying to convince the others that you don't even need your legs anyway!!
Once you get back home (or temporary prison until you somehow regain favor), Sekido will eye your legs while gripping his staff from time to time.
Exactly why he's forbidden to be in a room alone with you for a while until he settles down..
He glares at you more often and grows colder than before. Arguments are more common where he twists your words just to have you talk with him and be angry within reason.
Any other type of conversation makes him so irrationally upset that the others need to step in so that he doesn't lose his temper again.
Karaku
The calmest out of the group. He brushes it off as “you're playing hard to get” again, and if he makes a ruckus, you'll scamper back and beg him to stop like always!
Then it gets darker out.. and when Sekido left, he seemed pretty pissed. Like more than usual..... shit.
Karaku sprints after Sekido when it clicks that he's found you. His mind starts reeling, unsure whether he should laugh at the absurdity of your decisions or get pissed off because you didn't even bother to give a hint!
Not like that would do anything aside from give you away but regardless!
Everyone needs to relax, this is obviously something they can sweep under the rug. This isn't that big of a deal and you're just having a fit, but things like these can get you hurt, y'know?
They're fun and all, sure, just maybe give him a heads up next time, yeah? Sekido can't take a joke, you know this!!! Still.. There's a way Karaku can work with this.
He'll be able to swoop in, save you, be your hero, and remind you why staying with him is kinda important. Just in case you forgot~
You don't wanna be out and about without his charming grin and protective hold would you? Don't answer that right now, he has a feeling you'll say something wrong!
Yet.. what if you need a firmer hand to remind you of what Karaku provides? What if you got a little too comfortable being protected so you thought you'd be alright leaving them? Man, who knew you could be spoiled!
Because of this, he would purposely fumble, letting Sekido get near you just so he can stop him at the perfect moment. He purposely gets hit too and makes sure some blood gets near you. To remind you how that could've been yours.
When Sekido calms down, Karaku laughs in your face and would pinch your cheeks if you weren't up in the air with Urogi on the way home.
You should've seen your face! It was really cute~! Maybe getting scared is your thing? He'll note that for later.
He offhandedly advises you not to do things like that all the time, fighting Sekido always kinda sucks, but it's not like you actually had a chance of successfully running away so he won't chastise you too much for it.
That's not his job, and his heart hasn’t pumped that fast in a long time.. not even in a fight! You're so amazing~~
And delusional if you think he's not going to milk this “heroism” thing back there for some extra affection points with you.
Don't be so mean. he got his head blown off twice and jaw dislocated thrice, not to mention everywhere else on his body. Don't you think those parts of him need some extra loving? more than usual?
There's not that much Karaku can say after that aside from reminiscing like it was a funny story. He's not upset about it, mostly a little miffed you got kinda far without him noticing, but he gets over it.
The usual routine starts back up for him when you're back home. It's like nothing happened, but he keeps a closer eye on you since everyone's so tense.
Urogi
If you're not home before the sun sets, Urogi's clawing at the walls with stress. He usually accompanies Sekido to go find you, but this time is different. Urogi could just barely tell you were around.. When Sekido bolts, Urogi's flying as fast as he can, trying to find you first.
You're so far.. you must've gotten kidnapped!!!!!
The stress from before burns into anger, expecting to see someone having their hands on you while you're calling out in vain. How could he let this happen?! Damn sun!
He darts through the skies even faster imagining it, and when he finally reaches you, you look.. fine? and alone. and looking at him like he's the danger. He's here to save you, dummy..
Urogi falls to his knees, burying his face against your stomach and finally wrapping his arms around you again. Your fists violently hit his head and yank fistfuls of hair back, but it doesn't phase him.
Your comforting warmth is back, that's all that matters. And god, your smell.. it's almost making him dizzy. He missed you so much.
There's many holes to the story in Urogi's head as to why you're so far from home, but he fills them in with more convoluted delusions. It's just a peaceful reunion right now..
That is until Sekido finally arrives and starts swinging his khakkhara way too close to your fragile bones.
Now he's back in defense mode where he scoops you up and tries flying out of reach. This is so stressful!!! There's lightning everywhere and he keeps having to dodge the multiple staffs thrown his way.
He shields you with his wings as best he can while trying to stay in the air, so you don't get hurt during Sekido's outburst.
In the skies, it's much clearer to see the hurt behind the haunting glow of Urogi's eyes. Did you care about how he might feel? Did you miss him at all? Did you not feel loved enough? Did someone say something to you?
As he maneuvers the sky, he holds you as tightly as possible, lightly digging his talons into your skin.
Being without you for a couple hours is agonizing enough on its own. If you HAD left him, abandoned, cold, alone.. he doesn't want to think about it. All that matters is that your kidnappers or liars or whatever influenced you are gone, and you're back safe with them!!!
You.. you still like him, right? Of course you do, fate wouldn't force your paths together if it wasn't for a reason!
Coming back home is uncomfortably tense, especially with how violently Aizetsu kicked Urogi across the room, nearly through the wall, when he tried to lick your wounds clean. It really hurt!
When you're patched up, Urogi is ten times as clingy if that's possible. He has his arms looped around you constantly so you can't stray too far, and if his hands are busy, he always has his wings!
As happy as he is that you're back, he can't help but cry into your chest sometimes. Everything is so tense nowadays, he hates it! How could you go and do something like that? Apologize immediately! Or at least hold him too? Doubt creeps in a lot, and your attitude isn't helping..
His mood swings are stronger. From sobbing uncontrollably into your clothes to being all smiles and radiating with joy the next just because you said something vaguely decent.
Aizetsu
The demotivation started to creep in the second you left. During the day, Aizetsu sits by the door, wanting to be the first one you properly greet. Sekido and Urogi usually bring you back and he'll be the one in your good graces without lifting a finger. That sounds nice..
But as the footsteps fade and the silence lingers, Aizetsu feels miserable the longer he waits... Hold on, silence?
Before he realizes what's happening, he's already dashing to where the familiar commotion is coming from. Dread sets in as his legs take him as fast as they can whilst being the slowest of the four. This doesn't feel like they're rushing over to you after a long day, it feels.. dangerous?
What did you get yourself into..? Why do you insist on going to places Aizetsu can't follow? Are you safe? He hates not knowing.
Usually you're the one who's fine. You deal with four demons almost daily! Please please please be okay. He can't fathom it if you were hurt.
When he gets there, the puzzle pieces fall into place and Aizetsu gets even more depressed, but at least you're not hurt. Well, not if he interferes. His movements are sluggish, a perpetual frown plastered on his face as he tries holding Sekido down.
Aizetsu wants to dissolve into the floor, and he does sometimes. Not wanting to fight Sekido off anymore, he slumps over.
This could've been a regular day where you came home.. Are you serious? Leaving? How pitiful could you be to actually think you could get away? Or was it that you wanted to play some sick joke on them? Well, it's not very funny... It's terrible actually.
Aizetsu stays silent on the way home, walking with a bit more energy knowing you're near despite his heart ache.
You can feel the harrowing disappointment radiating off of him the moment you all go back home.
He's tired, annoyed, and so unbelievably upset. Aizetsu grimaced when Urogi got near your scratches with his tongue, so he “politely” ushered him away.
Knowing a human's weak points is good in battle, but he started trying to learn how to heal them, specifically because he knew these types of things might happen.
As he cleans your scratches, he's actively scolding you for leaving in a cold emotionless tone. And by scolding, he's using manipulative language, trying to make you guilty for everything you did.
He barely has the energy to live, but now that he finally found his light in the darkness, you want to leave? Is it so wrong he wants to hold onto what makes him even a smidgen happier than usual? He reminds you that he'll wither away without you, but he's not really too keen on dying just yet.
When he tries to get back into a routine, he just can't. He knows why you left, but he doesn't want to hear it. Even if you're sweet to him or not, he'll hold you from behind when you rest.
Looking at you is too much, but being away from you is even worse. Aizetsu compromises this way, but gets quieter, occasionally sniffling when he hides his face behind you.
There's too much going on and he's so tired.. If it weren't for the others, he probably would've held you so tight for so long so that you both would perish together.
Maybe that’s why he's only allowed to hold you when you're asleep. Just please don't do that again.. He NEEDS you. Please, please, please.
Safe to say you gave them a scare. When they double down on the protectiveness, living is ten times more difficult for EVERYBODY. when you lose their trust, it's pretty difficult to gain it back, but not impossible!!
Sekido and Urogi will always assume the worst if you're gone for too long while Karaku and Aizetsu give you a little more freedom until the others drag them along into their worries.
#null rot#yandere demon slayer#yandere kny#yandere kimetsu no yaiba#Sekido#Karaku#Urogi#Aizetsu#cloaked cult member#not art#null brainwash#IM NOT A WRITER!!!! JUST A REMINDER!!!!!!!!! JST A RAMBLER!!!!!!!!!!!!#i really couldn't think of anything drawing wise to go along with this.... but I really wanted to write for it even if I'm a bit amateur#Am I even doing this bullet thing right?? I'm not good at cohesive thoughts. but I try!! I hope I did this right..??#Also. Sekido honestly doesn't want to hurt you or even put his hands on you. he's just really scared you might something will happen to you#how the fuck is he going to live with himself if you somehow get eaten by another demon? or worse. used as bait from either demon or slayer#now that upper moon fucking four has a soft spot. its really selfish of you to run away..#don't you see how that can ruin everyone's lives including your own!? (manipulative)#why he gets more upset with any other type of convo at the end is bc it reminds him of how things were before. they were good.#but you had to ruin it didn't you? (manipulative ×2) and for sure for sure. if he holds your hand you're getting a bruise.#Karaku is hella chill bc he's wayyy too cocky that he can find you again. the little arrogance he has rearing its head again.#Hes not stupid. he knows you want to escape. but that means he has to whittle you down a little more. get you used to this. to them. to him#You can't escape. he won't let you. He belongs with you. so just try and get comfortable. yeah?#Urogi.. going through it. Hes like your ankle monitor. very fragile minded with his mood swings but extremely stubborn about letting you go#Hit him. pull at his hair. push him away. spit at him. hes sad for a while but bounces back. he always does! and he knows you will too!!#He just needs to wait.. even if it hurts his feelings sometimes. but never for long because you'll be back to loving him like before!#Aizetsu's stuck in a loop of angry -> sad until he ends up quietly crying because hes depressed you dont like them. eveything is pitiful.#he cant even move on bc youre his light. nothing will change that. even if you hurt him. all he can beg of you is to be kind to him. adjust#hes not the monsters you think he is. he can be sweet kind gentle. whatever you want.. just please.#null gospel
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Finished Veilguard!
I have really complicated feelings about the game overall. I finished in 55 hours and did not enjoy the first 20 and only started to like it around the 30 hour mark, but the last 25% of the game, especially the ending, was mostly awesome. There are a lot of things I think the game did poorly, and some things I think it did excellently. I am very happy with the ending I got but not enough so that I can forget how unenjoyable the first half of the game was for me. I may write a more detailed review with a breakdown of what specifically I did or did not like later, but it would be very spoilery. I'm unsure at this point if I'll play again.
#mine#dav spoilers#dragon age spoilers#datv spoilers#not really in this post but just so anyone who wants to see nothing doesn't have to#sharing your opinions is welcome but if you just want to say im wrong or whatever. fuck off#people are allowed to think the game isn't perfect :)#I do agree that it was an almost bug free launch which is. incredible. i only had one bug and it was weird and didn't effect gameplay#just a persistent visual glitch of some weird dark shape stuck on the ground behind my rook#that makes it sound like i don't know what a shadow is#ive removed all my blacklist filters for the game and i may resume posting now
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Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here.
Is that why I opened the windows?
Maybe I asked the fog to come…
-MAG170: Recollection
#furry art#anthro art#fursona#ink markings#vent art#avoiding tagging the show the lines are from bc the art has nothing to do with the podcast lmao#the rest of these tags are rambling you can stop reading now no worries !#it’s just getting gross outta my head and onto paper#I’m so bad at conversations and I know it’s my own fault but it feels isolating#I gotta get better at talking but I’m just afraid to reach out to people#no idea how to talk that isn’t infodumping#I just wanna talk about my OCs or my fandoms or just…. anything but feel like no one wants to hear that shit lmao#sometimes I feel like the people in my life would rather interact with anyone other than me lmao#I feel way better after drawing this out tho#bless the arts#i know i know i need to be the one to reach out more#and i know my anxiety stems from my parents hardcore ridiculing me whenever i talked to much#and my exes ignoring me at the drop of a hat for whatever new thing piqued them#but its hard to know that logically and get my brain to cooperate#and not think that I'm automatically annoying every person i speak to#although maybe it's also better because anyone who gets stuck in a room irl with me knows i don't shut up lmao#maybe its for the best i can never manage to do it in text
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#anyone know how to deal with overwhelmingly jealous and envious thoughts?#I just can’t stop comparing my life to other peoples#just went to my sisters new place#I would literally kill for a place like that#but I’m still stuck in my parents basement#not having a safe space to go#I eventually got over it while I was hanging out with family#but when I left I had to bump into a group of girls#all dressed up#looks like they were either going out or getting back from a club or something#and damn#I miss those days#I only got a taste of it very briefly before I was even of age#like 18-19#and now I’m fucking 26 and I don’t have friends to go out and have severe social anxiety#when I see people like that having a good night or whatever#I just get so sad and jealous#I’ve been wasting the past 6 years of my life#literally just trying to survive#and then everyone else around me is actually living and enjoying their lives#obviously it’s not all sunshine and rainbows but they have the support system or a place or something to lean on when something bad happens#I have nothing#I have no support system#not able to heal or really live in my current place#been struggling to just get out of bed#trying ro figure out a job but when I can’t even get out of bed how the fuck am I gonna do that?#struggling A LOT right now#shut up rosie#delete
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.
#I’m resuming this tomorrow it’s been hours now I’m just mad#I’m home because my parents are moving to a different state and I needed to pack whatever was left#and for some reason we just keep old devices when we’re done with them#so I borrow an adapter to allow me to connect my ancient unworking iPad mini to my laptop#factory reset it. i have to reset an old email to access the old Apple id to fully reset it.#it won’t connect to the wifi so I have to reset the settings. i find out it’s too old to run pjsk.#i find an old phone that should work. i reset it as well. I’m able to download pjsk & it takes 20 minutes.#pjsk crashes everytime I try to open it. i attempt to run bluestacks on my computer. bluestacks doesn’t have 64 bit for mac yet.#i get a free trial of parallels and download windows onto my laptop. this takes 40 minutes.#i try to download and run bluestacks on that. m1 macs apparently can’t run bluestacks 64 bit through parallels.#i go find the final old phone that I had forgotten about. it takes forever to charge because the charging port is fucked up. i reset it as#well. it can’t connect to wifi. i try a hotspot on my current phone. service is too awful. i try to do wifi sharing from my laptop.#you have to be connected to the router via a cable for that to work.#at this point it has been like 3 hours. I’m giving up because I’ve been down this route before#when I attempted to run 32 bit steam games on m1 mac#(wine64 doesn’t exist for m1 macs yet -> attempt to run boot camp -> boot camp isn’t a thing anymore on Apple silicon -> attempt to run#several different programs that allow me to run windows on a mac. none of them work. ->#look into linux & give up. -> attempt to implement the unfinished/unbottled wine64 code thru terminal. ->#fuck up and delete some important file & have to fix that (misery inducing) -> keep trying. i think I downloaded a Mac coding program at#some point? i realize I have zero coding knowledge and this is a mistake. -> give up and purchase crossover. game doesn’t even work. ->#3 months later update to the latest OS so I can have enough storage to play psychonauts 2. find out the $60 crossover#purchase was a bad idea because ‘heehee crossover doesn’t work on that buy the new version’ (fuck crossover).#my toxic trait is my belief that I can figure out anything via google and sheer stubbornness. usually this is true. occasionally there are#exceptions to this rule. most of them are because owning Apple products is a mistake.#i think if I reset the router tomorrow I can solve this problem but I can also just go elsewhere with better service or wait until I’m home#now it’s a matter of pride. and also free 4*/I have nothing better to do because I’m stuck here until Tuesday.#<- this is all normal behavior by the way. who doesn’t spend 8 hours ramming their head against a problem every once and a while. enrichment#mine#oh I forgot. i also looked into cloning the app but that would cost money for something that might not even work.#‘just log out and make an alt’ and risk losing my account? I’m stupid enough to overwrite it on accident.
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Remember how tumblr was full of tips and advice for texas snowstorms and uk and canada heatwaves
And even uk flooding
I remember
#bit of a salty post cant help it rn#ill probably delete this in the morning#but damn it feels weird to not see a single flood preparation and handling post right now. people have already died you know#im cut off from like. everyone who's not in my city. and my city has not been hit yet#if anything happens and the retention lake or whatever its called does not hold enough water?#ill be stuck all alone cuz my roommates are all still home for vacation and my bf lives away#and guess what! the access road to his town has been closed#so im just gonna go to work and pray to non-existent gods that the rivers don't overflow here.#and even if they do im gonna be alone#... we were going to go to prague this week. my only real vacation this year. and now it's just. lost money#feels really weird to be so alone. and there's not even that bit of sympathy online i saw for others#i have to buy water and some food in the morning. store opens in 2 hours. might as well stay up#or else ill wake up at 11 and nothing will be left. fuck
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#just a rant that im actually too tired for but i cant sleep!!!#why is it that i have chest pain/pressure for lack of sleep but then when i try to sleep#nothing is right#i cant lay in the right position#the blanket isn“t right#the soundscape isn't right#noyhing is right#no matter how much i toss and turn#it's 2am and i am tired!!!#why won't my brain let me sleep#and why do i know i'm going to have at least one upsetting dream again when i do finallu get a couple hours#why is my brain like this???#my nervous system#whatever#i miss the sedating meds i had#but they wrecked my stomach so not an option anymore#also why do i repeatedly have dreams that i never manage to graduate high school#and every year its worse bc i'm like i'm 29 now and still have to graduate and all these teens around me are smarter and better at life!#is it bc i truly was convinced that senior year would kill me but my parents just wanted me to keep going to school so i just accepted that#would be my fate and kept going#am i stuck in that mentality#in other timelines do i not make it#what's going on with not graduating high school#ignore me#parasomnia#insomnia#fucking whatever sleep disorder i have
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it may come as a surprise to you all but im thinking about kingdom rn
#what is on my mind. well im specifically thinking about jahan just did the new bss song dance and it's reminding me#how jahan and arthur did the maestro dance with dino and afterwards jahan talked about how mortifying it was to ask dino to do it#then like two weeks later the maestro mushow behind was released and the behind of tkds challenge was featured in it. and#some of the svt members were talking about how happy it made them. outside of tkds range#and when someone pointed out to jahan how they made it into the behind he lost his shit#and i am also thinking about my dann jahan unit pola. and sometimes i don't realize how much detail is in a polaroid#and how lucky i am to have a signed pola of my bias line in one of my top fave stage fits. like how did the universe align like#that for me. that's crazy#and well im thinking about how much i like them. i think when i first got into kpop i didn't understand how people decided who was an ult#or a semi ult. or whatever. and the time just moved so fast and my feelings fluctuate so much how do you know but now i just knowwwwww#when i look at them and when their songs come on shuffle and when i gif them and when i look at my album shelf and i see the hok albums#line up and my photocards and how they're the biggest portion of my binder and how i felt seeing them in concert both times#and im also thinking of the concert im thinking about the shitty ada route for the venue. how the ramp was a solid 45° angle and i managed#to go up but i was so nervous to go down cuz i certainly couldn't walk my rollator down and i didn't wanna fall#and i had to be nearly carried down cuz i was so unstable and it was so embarassing and then i heard dann singing and it was just a really#grounding moment. his voice is so comforting to listen to on my phone and it was so invigorating to hear on stage but to hear it#softly up close. because he always sings back stage and the ada route was backstage and they were behind me to go back to#the green room and I didn't know and. it was such a surprise but it was so nice. so nice#so calming. and how i was so embarassed my rollator was taking up space when i was talking to ivan and when i readjusted it it got#stuck on a crack in the floor because of the angle and i apologized but he immediately told me it was okay and helped me get it unstuck cuz#i was shaky on nerves and adrenaline. and they're just sooooo. wow#ughhhhhh and hwons smile when i did polas with him first tour. and how he held everyone's hands despite the staff saying not#to touch the artist he always grabbed your hands first if you let him and i did cuz i didn't know what to do and he was just so excited#to be there and getting to talk to him while we waited for the pola to print. dude he's so tall like i knew he was tall going in but nothing#prepares you for How damn tall he is till you're right there next to him and god#they r the best. genuinely. :•( i love them so bad#speaking.txt
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i feel weird even claiming my family used to be considered "rich" bc a lot of yall immediately jump to having summer homes, 20 yachts, and enough money to save a country
#not gonna act like we weren't well off... ofc we were but like.... we werent on THAT level nearly at all#more of a country club... goes on a lot of vacations.... has a decently sized house with a pool... kinda rich#which is still rich dont get me wrong but i promise i wasnt living like fucking. kim kardashian or whatever ok#we didnt have a fuckin walk-in-fridge or 20 unused empty rooms#i say this bc ppl end up surprised when i tell them im not anymore like 'how' well its a lot of things like the housing market crash#my parents getting a divorce my dad being the one with the job that my moms dad gave to him that was making him all the money#and my grandpa passed not long after i was born so when they split up we were just going off of whatever he left really for a while#had to move etc etc.... now im low income and rely on food stamps and ssi ✌️ but thats mostly bc im disabled so#kinda necessarily low income bc the govt only wants to pay the very bare minimum that they can.#its also- not my money! i dont get to decide what happens to it and i dont get to decide i get nice things or whatever. that all hinges#on if my mom or gma wants to.#so technically even if you wanted to consider them rich still- its not part of me atp bc its not even my money and im an adult#whos not legally dependent on them anymore. i think it only counts if its *your* actual money or if your parent is okay with dishing#out like a 1000 dollars a month like its nothing. completely unfazed by giving it to you.#its not rich if its conditional ok like... children of rich parents arent rich and i will die on this hill. why do you think so many of the#end up fucked up? not only is it bc they've had ppl basically doing everything for them their whole life so they dont know how to take#care of themselves they're also entirely dependent on the parent for money. when you feel controlled like that- even if your parent isnt#necessarily abusive about it- just the fact everything you do hinges on the approval of your parent- kinda fucks you up and makes#you feel like you're stuck being a forever child. not great for people who probably want to go out in the world and date to feel#like you cant escape being dependent on your parents
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i am going to be fully driven insane by having to live with my parents
#i am SO NORMAL about being fitted into a strict schedule that gives me a quick chain of stress-coping mechanisms-falling asleep speedrun#in the evening in a timing that absolutely guarantees i will miss at least two hours of sleep per night#i used to be able to just fix myself a meal at 12yo WHAT HAPPENED why can't i fucking stand the idea anymore#how did they manage to make me internalize so deeply that i owe them to always be there for them despite not liking it despite the triggers#i wanted a burger tonight it's been so long. i asked my mom if we could go get a burger mom said yes#dad wanted to go and eat at the fucking fast food place as a fun wittle family outing#if i had gotten the burger i'd probably had have to eat it at the dinner table with them anyway#it doesn't matter because i can't get a burger#i can't get a burger before coming home i can't go out later and get a burger i'll always have to be there at eight thirty#to eat the same crap#i want to have a calm moment i want to have a break but i've perverted those into mental illness because i got too attached to them#now i have nothing i just feel like shit whatever i do#i deserve to die i don't even know how anyone can compose with that#how the fuck did we build someone like me#but i'm financially dependanttttttttt so i'm stuck hereeeeeeeee and i'm so fucking abnormal i'll probably never find a jobbbbbbb#i can't take a breakkkkk or tell anyone how i'm feelingggggg because they'll feed me the same shitttttt#about how persevering in a path i'm failing at and that makes me unhappy either way is the moral and virtuous solutionnnnnn#and they're right because there's nothing for me out thereeeee i have to conform to the system and the system doesn't work without moneyyyy#so i have to leech off of my parents to surviveeeeee except being near them makes me mentally illllll and leeching off of them also doessss#my stomach hurts#broadcasting my misery#vent
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My parents r atheists with christian parents which means that me and my sibling r atheists with atheist parents. One side effect of this is that christmas is a Big Deal to my parents but I'm atheist enough that christmas has basically no meaning to me outside of "the time of year I get free stuff"
#sep talks#like it's nice to get presents and see family or whatever but there's nothing fundamentally special abt christmas day#as opposed to every other day#we could do christmas early or late and I probably wouldn't notice#idk. It just came up the other day when I was talking to my parents#bc my aunt is hosting and she doesn't have much room so I said oh well I could stay home#and my parents were like oh but it feels wrong for u to be all alone on christmas#and it's like well. To u maybe. To me it is just another day#it feels so weird. U atheist-ed too close to the sun and now ur kids don't believe in christmas as a special time#I have the same kind of feelings abt halloween like it's whatever. Doesn't rlly mean anything to me#but it feels weirder abt christmas. Bc I WAS brought up celebrating it. But its like none of it stuck ahdunfidndj
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if i read through my old notes or my old posts from like 3 years ago i’m like. who is that like that person is dead. who even am i anymore like i have lost all sense of self at this point
#honest to god too many pieces of me have died i don’t know who or what i am anymore.#like i can look back on it and be like oh i remember that but i can’t imagine being that person does that make sense#like my current living situation has taken too much from me i’ve had to just dissociate and be a shell of myself just to protect myself#and i think that even if i ever get out of here idk if i can get those parts of me back and that scares me so much like#i don’t want to be stuck like this forever even though i know j most likely will#like i’ve lost every last ounce of hope i ever had by living here i’ve lost everything i’m so jaded now there’s just#nothing anyone can say to me anymore like there’s no amount of inspirational or hopeful like idk messages or meditations or#whatever literally anything i see shit like that and i’m like hm that’s nice but not for me. like i’m just dead set on things never getting#better ever again and i truly believe they wont and i know it’s a protection method like i know i’m just saving myself from getting my#hopes up and crushed and up and down and it’s just happened too many times that i’ve truly in every sense given up#like i’m just resigned to it all bc there’s nothing i can do about anything anyway and i’m not trying to be like oh poor me#like there just truly is nothing i can do my entire life is a rock and a hard place and it just fucking sucks that’s it#i just feel like i’m drowning all the time and just constantly treading water but i can’t ever breathe if u know what i mean
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you can not get mad at someone for not adhering to rules you did not tell them btw.
#this goes out to my study abroad group#katherine “daddy’s money” ross just say you have a vendetta against me#for no particular reason#there is so much mittenladylore but that is neither here nor there#it’s ok London is a fun city even if the people i am stuck here with are primarily terrible#this ain’t even a neurodivergent thing this is just genuinely a vendetta#mfw i literally say btw i take long showers…#mfw i ask if she wants to shower before me and she never does#yet apparently found it necessary to complain to my professors about my showering#and other things that i did not know bothered her BC SHE SAID NOTHING#if u r incapable of handling ur own roommate problems without blowing them up into#Whatever the fuck this is.#then idk how u r gonna function as an adult#how am i the youngest person in this fuckjng group.#anyway FOUR WEEKS IN i now have the room to myself for the remaining SINGLE WEEK#genuinely why wait that long. girl u accepted everyone else’s follow request but mine.#what the hell did i do girl.
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"erc can suck my dick!!!" I say as if my current situation isn't anyone's fault but my own
#cw// ed#res adventures#sh'd last night so my therapist grabbed me as i was going to get electronics for the outing#and was like hey actually you cant go also you may be phase 1 again#and i was like haha cool!#then the first second i was alone i purged#WHY DID I DO THAT#now i am definitely demoted to phase 1 and lost my pass and extra electronics time and night showers#and probably next weeks outing too#it literally just made things worse. and then i got pulled again for therapy and he was so gentle and kind about it#and i wanted to die like dont be nice to me i am a fuckup!!! i dont deserve it!!!#i mentioed how ive been stuck for almost two years and that got us on a trauma tangent#and i think we are starting trauma work which may actually be helpful bc no one ever listens to me abt that#anyway. im still feeling nothing and everything and very much want to continue to self destruct bc nothing matters#which i said and was told that my depression seems 'very loud' no shit ive been saying that but again no one listens#whatever.
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#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii#i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol#anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3#anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing#but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it#my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right.#and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list.#but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really#not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like.#like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes'#cause no. they look like a swamp.#idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage.#i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is#everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive#and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really#like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing.#im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth.#like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake.#anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.
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