whsprings

[whsprings]

due to unexpected circumstances completely out of my control my mom is gonna stay with me for another week and I may have to use the Other scale to keep myself from kms except some it's not my usual scale and is a weird one in general I feel like its inaccurate and idk!!!!! might die anyway

[whsprings]

anxiety therapist assigned me to listen 3 accomplishments from each day and I can't. stuff like "got out of bed" is an expectation in my head, not something I can feel accomplished for doing, and even any "big" things I tend to react like I am checking something off my to-do list or I just see all the ways i could have done the thing better/messed the thing up. this is so fucking stupid why does life have to be so hard for some people and other people get functional brain chemistry handed to them on a gold platter.

[whsprings]

unfortunately actually being productive and having a routine and leaving my house to be a person in the world and eating real meals consistently does improve my mental health which means i have to keep doing it except i have mental illness that makes me not do it so you see my dilemma

[whsprings]

Do you often reach out and initiate meeting up with the friend you’re worried is drifting away? I really don’t want to be harsh, it’s just that i know what it’s like being the friend who is always the one initiating

yeah I've initiated a few times and the last time she didn't seem particularly enthusiastic and first didn't respond for a week and then kept saying she was busy :/

[whsprings]

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[whsprings]

Bolesław Czedekowski (1885-1969), "In front of the mirror"

[whsprings]

my city has a huge mardi gras celebration every year and I've gone several times with a small group a friends that live in the area. usually we get a hotel room down the road from the neighborgood the party is in to save our drunk asses time and effort. anyway it's next Saturday and I haven't heard anything from the friend that usually organizes it. I was already feeling like we were drifting apart and I've barely seen her in the last year, and this coupled with how i didn't hear from her on her husband's bday (we are all friends and they usually invite me to the birthday party) and the general vibes I got from her last time I saw her.... I am so scared. i don't have many people in my life that i could regularly see in person that aren't related to me. I can't lose someone else. all these thoughts are flying around my head. I fucking cant.

[whsprings]

You’re allowed to advocate for yourself, and I think that’s really important, especially given that you feel like people don’t care unless you’re struggling behaviorally

thank you, I have a v hard time asking for things that I could theoretically handle myself

[whsprings]

Why did you change your pinned post?

was tired of it and it felt aggressive. I'll probably change it again once I think of something new to put there.

[whsprings]

I think that desire for validation/performative aspect is super common, and reinforced in many treatment settings by virtue of what clinicians pay attention to, other patients’ conversations and behaviors, etc.

no fr bc it's like unless you're using behaviors you must be fine

[whsprings]

After recovery I was able to actually connect with people because I was no longer thinking about food and my body all the time. I also had the capacity to work on reaching out to people socially, being vulnerable and asking for help. And now I feel more seen than ever, because I have friends who know me and care about me.

But note that this was after being recovered, not in recovery. Recovery is so much work, unlearning ed thoughts and shame is hard and uncomfortable. It sucks and it takes a lot longer than I had expected, but when you finally get on the other side it really really is worth it.

im glad you were able to get there ❤️

[whsprings]

I feel like unless I am pissed off or anxious I straight up lack the ability to register any other negative emotion. I'll start doing wild shit and be like hmm. wonder what's causing this. and like earlier that same day I witnessed a murder or something.

[whsprings]

i went to get labs and about halfway througg the draw I started feeling Bad, so on my way back to the lab I stopped for food. while now I do feel less physically bad I now feel like i need to purge but doing so would defeat the purpose of getting food in the first place UGH

[whsprings]

I've messaged my dietitian multiple times this week and she has yet to respond to anything,,,, I feel like im being annoying and selfish and attention seeking (derogatory) but i also would appreciate a response

[whsprings]

please try before assuming you will fail at something and become paralyzed by fear and end up doing nothing. give yourself the chance to try what you’d like to do. maybe you won’t fail. maybe you’ll feel a little better just for trying. no one is judging you as much as you think they are. try.

[whsprings]

kind of want to email my ed therapist but idk if I'm there yet. we've only been working together what, like a month and a half?? but I also feel so weird and activated

[whsprings]

idk what this blog is anymore.