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lowkey wanna buy myself lunch?? I haven't had food while at work in ages so this is weird. my weight was up a bit this morning though... it's likely hydration related but ed brain insists it's because my i have been straying from safe foods lately. we'll see i guess.

i also haven't decided about my dietitian. I feel like it could go either way (helpful, make things worse). I hate having to make decisions lol

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post in honor of the boys bc they keep me alive some days

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last night my parents kept asking what my plan is going forward, if I had talked with my dietitian, etc etc, and i just said something super vague because telling them i have no plan and my dietitian suggested a break would most definitely freak them out.

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when i was a young child, like <10 years old, I would fall asleep to elaborate fantasies about binging and purging. b/p plots would also show up in stories i made up while playing with my sister. obviously I didn't know what it was at the time but why was a small child already so obsessed with food. I've truly been fucked from the beginning.

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at least I have enough sense atm that I know I am not in a headspace to decide on taking a break from sessions with my dietitian right now?? although I also think she's just frustrated with me and my bs.

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You keep downplaying the impact your ED is having on you, saying stuff like it's silly or not important. But it is??? Important??? And impactful??? Otherwise it wouldn't be IMPACTING YOUR LIFE???? I know it feels like a waste of time bc you don't actually want to get better, but your life Will Not Improve until you are able to bring yourself to do the painful and embarrassing work of sticking with treatment even when no one is forcing you to. Genuinely wish you the best, and I say this lovingly, but girl you gotta get your shit together before things get Even Worse for you.

😮‍💨. in this current moment I feel like trying again just to fail is worse than just staying where I am. maybe at this point i am waiting for some magical change to come over me and suddenly make things all better, but I have tried and it didn't get me anywhere long term. idk. part of me just wants to call it quits and become another number and part of me thinks that maybe trying to fix things op will be the 1) feasible and 2) more beneficial in the long run. whatever.

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I think if I were in your position I would try to stick it out for your coworker a little longer. Not because you owe the job or anyone anything, I just worry about potential repercussions when you do come back. And personally I would never commit to less than a month of treatment, it’s simply not enough time to break habits. But you know yourself and the situation and I’m confident you will make the best choice, whatever it may be.

idk if i did make the right choice but it is what it is.

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There is basically no point at which you will have “no choice” but to go to treatment. Even people who are committed usually get in the door voluntarily. Your body is already compromised based on what you’ve said but you just ignore and minimize and there will never be some magical point where you have to stop doing that. Your boss will likely never tell you to go to treatment and your relationship with her is likely to be more damaged by you gradually becoming delirious than if you just say you need to leave for medical reasons now. You’re glamorizing some point of no choices that doesn’t and won’t exist. I know because I used to do it too.

idk what to say to this other than you're right but I have no hope that i can change so in the end it doesn't matter

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you are choosing to not get better stop lying to yourself about not having control over your actions its fueling your mental illness

"I am choosing to fuck my own life up and i need to choose to fix it and getting stuck in a bubble for a couple weeks isnt going to do that." -- me earlier today

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i wish big positive changes were real and would happen in my life

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Growing.

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instagram | prints

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Feelings tonight

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feels like a huge weight has been lifted after turning this spot down. no idea what the future looks like but at least I don't have to worry about getting multiple calls from the admissions people every day asking for a decision.