whsprings

[whsprings]

Waited months for you to reopen anon asks just to tell you you are one of the stupidest people I've ever some across. And unfollow.

[whsprings]

urge to go back to eating the same thing every single day so that I have rules and restricting is easier vs cravings for specific foods when I get even the slightest bit hungry. my fucking weight hasn't changed in what feels like forever and while I guess that's a good thing for the sake of my medical stability + boosts my argument to stay op it's also driving me up the fucking walls and increasing purge urges. but purging often drives me to seek treatment and I absolutely cannot go down that rabbit hole again because all I do there is gain weight and make no actual mental progress. anyway might start screaming and crying and throwing things

[whsprings]

[whsprings]

I hate how after all this time I still get weird feelings about treatment friends struggling. I was texting a friend and she was talking about being tubed and my brain is like "well why is she allowed to do x when im not" but like. first of all I am "allowed" to do whatever the fuck i want and second of all my team keeps telling me to knock that shit off and third of all she fucking got tubed so she's not exactly going consequence free. like hello???? why am I like this 🤬

[whsprings]

no bc why am i actually losing my fucking mind over this ocd thing. there are only so many ways i can google the same question!! I know that I cannot know for sure!!! i know I'm being insane!! but i also hate not knowing :):) like what if I'm faking and/or being dramatic or just a fuckin,,, freak. im probably gonna have a phd in ocd symptoms and diagnosis by tomorrow morning 🫠 or perhaps die of anxiety idk idk

[whsprings]

rumination is getting stuck on one specific issue or worry for long periods of time! e.g "is that spider bite infected? siri show me photos of infected bites. oh mine doesn't look like that one but it kind of looks like that one. text best friend -does this look infected-. what if it is infected? what if i'm crazy? oh no what if my best friend thinks i'm crazy? text best friend -probably not lol i'm not that worried about it-. siri show me that spider bite picture again. i think it's getting more red. let me take another photo in a different light. my friend texted back that they can't tell. fuck. google minute clinic near me. no i can't go, they'll think i'm insane. google can spider bites make you go crazy?"

hmm yeah that makes sense. i don't have the fear from this example so i can't easily say for sure how I'd react, but I think I'd end up with my brain yelling THE SPIDER WAS VENEMOUS over and over so I'd then research types of spiders and bites or check the bite to try to get the brain yelling to stop. not sure how meaningful this is haha

[whsprings]

you're already doing ERP, which is the OCD gold standard, why not just start trying to approach it as if it's OCD and see how it goes? you can stop if it doesn't help

idk, I'd rather try to figure things out with my therapist and not go at it alone, don't need to fuck myself up any more lol

[whsprings]

I was diagnosed with OCD last winter and it’s made things fall into place a bit more for me; here if you want to chat about at all! There are some really good OCD recovery therapist accounts on Instagram too

thank you, I appreciate you!!

[whsprings]

im so fucking confused hahaha

what i have always considered rumination is usually one singular thought/sentence/scenario getting "stuck" and repeating over and over and over again. but is that not what it is?? the internet says rumination is negative thoughts focused around a specific topic, usually trying to make sense of or problem solve something. does this mean it's NOT the exact same thought over and over again?? but more of a chain of thoughts?? ugh I need ANSWERS

I am most definitely being annoying and insane about this but too bad :) anyway various websites have said rumination is a response to anxiety to attempt to lessen distress, but all this time i thought it was the other way around?? like, i end up trying to get the ruminating to shut the fuck up by doing xyz or avoiding stuff that will likely trigger the looping?? it's the looping that gets me anxious and not the anxiety that gets me looping, if that makes sense. once again I have no idea if this is a meaningful distinction and this could be a chicken/egg situation but I have no one else to talk to about this madness so it's getting posted

[whsprings]

I am most definitely being annoying and insane about this but too bad :) anyway various websites have said rumination is a response to anxiety to attempt to lessen distress, but all this time i thought it was the other way around?? like, i end up trying to get the ruminating to shut the fuck up by doing xyz or avoiding stuff that will likely trigger the looping?? it's the looping that gets me anxious and not the anxiety that gets me looping, if that makes sense. once again I have no idea if this is a meaningful distinction and this could be a chicken/egg situation but I have no one else to talk to about this madness so it's getting posted

[whsprings]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[whsprings]

plus side of this bizarre ocd fixation is im not thinking about ed stuff all day??? I mean it hasn't exactly changed anything behaviorally so maybe it doesn't matter lol

[whsprings]

trying to research ocd or doing self diagnostic tests is extremely not helpful because everything is like "these are common obsessions + compulsions but you could do none of these and still have ocd," and most self diagnostic tools focus on behavioral compulsions and not mental ones despite "pure O" being a thing. and most tests are graded on the number of yes/no answers you have so since I feel like i have a limited scope of things I obsess over I don't think they can be all that accurate. i mean obviously it's impossible to compile an exhaustive list of obsessions + compulsions but it makes this so much more difficult. i don't do things that fall under categories like harm ocd or p-ocd, but because of the lack of clear information on what obsessions + compulsions look like and because I (obviously) don't know how other people think, I can't parse out if what goes on in my head is actually an obsession + compulsion. I know I am perfectionistic and have a lot of fears around social stuff, but both of those things overlap with like. having an ed and having social anxiety. idk. i emailed my therapist last night to give myself some accountability to actually talk to her about this (and not talk myself out of it by telling myself I'm being dramatic or faking or whatever) but she's out for the holiday so I don't see her for two weeks.

[whsprings]

im fr hyperanalyzing everything i do like "is this ocd or anxiety?" and it's PISSING ME OFF like hey brain don't u have literally anything else to do

[whsprings]

why does it matter if it's anxiety or ocd? just focus on what healing techniques work for you or don't work for you

I mean it doesn't really matter, but from my understanding they are treated differently so knowing which one it is could change my team's approach

[whsprings]

Hey for what its worth I've been watching your blog and going "Huh she seems like she has OCD. Hope she figures that out some day" for like a year

wait that's actually so funny

[whsprings]

affirmations

i am a complex organism brutally engineered by uncaring forces of nature

i am a product of billions of years and trillions of deaths

i am building a machine greater than myself

i am able to make phone calls and appointments