whsprings

[whsprings]

the admission info sheet says meds need to be in their original containers but i transfer mine into smaller bottles for the same med (sometimes with different dose labels) (my pharmacy randomly switched to these huge bottles that don't fit in my storage thing) and idk what to do. they had also said to only bring 10 days worth and to not bring freshly refilled meds bc they'll likely be changed, and I already have the meds anyway?? but I'd hate to bring the ones i have and for them to be thrown out and me not have meds?? I emailed my admissions person but she hasn't responded and it's Friday

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Me at the beginning of this year: I’m so gonna fix my life dude this is gonna be the year everything changes I’m not gonna let anything slip through the cracks it’s time to live

Me approaching the end of March:

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[whsprings]

I get so uncomfortable when ppl around me talk about diet culture and not even in a triggering way (usually) but moreso because 1) i think they're probably misinformed and feel the need to correct them but also dont want to be a know it all and 2) i have been trained that diet talk is supposed to trigger me and therefore is forbidden and i should avoid it and not avoiding it is bad and wrong and evil

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genuinely this is the best my mood has been in months and it cannot be a coincidence that this is happening when I fucked around with my med doses. like, I saw my psych this morning and even she agreed that perhaps the meds were not in fact helping. I dont think it's related to treatment because if I think about that i am instantly filled with dread and fear and hopelessness. or maybe I'm manic. lol.

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“never too late to be who you might have been” by sara yukiko mon | still from i saw the tv glow, “there is still time”

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[whsprings]

I wish you could live your life for yourself! I really relate to what you wrote about all your actions being about what other people will think of you, I ignored my gender dysphoria for a decade because it would be too inconvenient for other people if I transitioned. But when I was 28 I said fuck it fuck them my life is for me bitch! and it turns out other people like it and (the right people) gravitate towards you when you're genuine and authentic and take up space and eat and fuck and enjoy things and fuckin relax. I'm still working on it but FUCK who else is my life for?? I'm tired of being convenient, I've never once thought about someone else "wow they didn't bother me at all, what an amazing person"

ugh goals tbh. it's been slow going but believe it or not i have gotten way better at this as I've gotten older and have had more social anxiety specific therapy, but it's still so fucking hard. relationships have always been hard for me so I think the people pleasing and fear of judgement has been a way of reaching for whatever control I can get. social anxiety is the root of all my shit and I hate how the general public seems to think social anxiety is a quirk or an "easy" mental illness when it is truly debilitating to so many people.

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I don’t understand the completing food so other patients won’t be mad at you. If you’re struggling to complete then you’re struggling to complete. That’s the whole reason you’re there. If you can eat just to please other patients then what’s the point of going?

I genuinely don't understand this ask?? having external pressure to complete via people yelling at you if you don't would be pretty motivating for anyone let alone someone with crippling social anxiety??? most ed havers I've known can white knuckle their way through completing at least temporarily if the motive to do so is strong enough. like i also eat normally when i am with friends and family but that doesn't mean i don't have an ed, it means i am hiding my ed. there are also plenty of people who complete right from the start, do they not deserve treatment because they can complete?? im confused

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please please pleaseeee i need something good to happen to me pleaseee for fucking once just let it not be bad

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i feel like my brain is so atrophied. just mush on autopilot

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I have 4 billion things to do before I leave next week but I can't concentrate and have so much energy despite the lack of sleep and the benzo prn I took earlier

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pretty much all of my mh issues come down to me caring what people think of me way too fucking much. I've known that but it sure does have some interesting consequences, such as me being able to complete food while in treatment programs because I don't want the patients or providers to be upset with me, but then immediatly relapsing once I leave because as a general rule society at large favors thinner bodies so me going against diet and wellness culture results in negative feedback. I am so scared of being judged, especially for what I look like, that I do everything in my power to not give anyone ammo and then i end up behavior-ing myself into delirium.

see?? same motivating factor, different results.

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No body type is any less deserving of being comfortably full, sated, and feeling well. And no, reader, yours is not the exception.

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I started to type out that I am gonna have lunch bc I feel like shit physically but that's not true. I actually just want lunch!! and that's not a bad thing!! even though I now feel like i have committed a crime. I was also gonna say I'll probably end up purging but I am gonna change that to a maybe. see, i don't need treatment!! I know how I'm supposed to do the recovery things!! lol

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I grew up in an ingredient household with an almond mom that loves to remind everyone that will listen that she is so small and petite and only 4'11" and speak in spanish right next to fat english speaking people about how bad and disgusting they are and a dad that would look at a fat person and physically wince meanwhile the only vegetable this man eats is potatoes but because he is genetically thin he somehow decided he has the moral high ground here (the ground is actually level. btw.) and yet when my old therapist met my parents she said "your mom isn't like, super thin or anything, so why are you so afraid of what she thinks?" as if it was her appearance (she literally is thin btw. she's just thin in the way a 60yo is thin.) and not the years of body and food shaming that caused the issue. lol.

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you know that one scene in tangled. you know the one. yeah that's me.

why have I experienced like 47 emotional lifetimes today. the entire fucking wheel x1000000