whsprings

[whsprings]

the curse of self sufficiency is like. well my needs went ignored so I'll just take care of them myself, but that just shows everyone that your needs can be ignored because you'll just take care of them yourself.

[whsprings]

i love filtering tags like. no. i do not want to see it. goodbye.

and then it is gone forever except for the fact that I am now presented with the most enticing button in the world

[whsprings]

mutuals do this

take care of yourself

[whsprings]

but i stay silly! *←said in the most world-weary voice you ever did hear*

[whsprings]

Tomas Tranströmer, tr. by Robin Fulton, from “Many Steps”, The Great Enigma: New Collected Poems

[whsprings]

anyone else filled with dread and ache and agony and pain and remorse and shame and

[whsprings]

Fuck it we bawl (starts sobbing uncontrollably)

[whsprings]

okay well lab results are starting to come in and I'll admit a few are a bit wack but they're not that wack sooooo I'm fine :):) haha!! 🫠

[whsprings]

I was driving home from work and ik ive mentioned this but I really have noticed positive changes mood-wise since adding rexulti to my current med cocktail?? like, I've had confrontational phone conversations like 2-3 times with customer service reps when I've had issues with companies and my insurance, I told my boss we (I) probably aren't ready to take on a new project we have little experience doing, I feel more able to Do Things that I usually put off for months due to depression/perfectionism getting in the way, I'm not sleeping or scrolling all the time, I spend less time obsessing over miscellaneous social interactions from both ten years ago and ten hours ago, sh urges have been down, etc etc. and while this is generally a good thing and I'm not exactly mad about it, it does make it hard to see a need to make changes ed wise bc I feel fine when in the past i've been super depressed and desperate while in my ed. I don't have a follow-up until early December anyway, so that's a problem for my psych and me to deal with then. and what's she gonna do, take me off so I can feel like shit all the time instead of on occasion??

[whsprings]

Google revealed that the categories are bmi based and I am not even in that category by those standards and idk how to feel. like technically I have osfed or am "mild." and its like okay well this means i truly am fine and don't need to change. but also insurance codes and diagnostic criteria are nonsense esp bc they aren't even based on actual behaviors. 🫠🫠🫠

jahsadvgsbq I was looking over my doctor's shoulder while she was doing chart stuff (as one does) and my ed diagnosis is listed as "moderate" and I am like. well it's not gonna be "severe" because it's not severe behaviorally or weight wise and I know this so get the fuck over it, and if it was "severe" I'd probably be in treatment (again). but also I am 🫠

[whsprings]

saw a post that was like "you are enough and you're not too much" and like yes but also we should be killing and smiting the goldilocks zone of muchness police that lives in our heads <3<3 hope this helps

[whsprings]

jahsadvgsbq I was looking over my doctor's shoulder while she was doing chart stuff (as one does) and my ed diagnosis is listed as "moderate" and I am like. well it's not gonna be "severe" because it's not severe behaviorally or weight wise and I know this so get the fuck over it, and if it was "severe" I'd probably be in treatment (again). but also I am 🫠

[whsprings]

I have a pcp appt tomorrow and while I am slightly worried that it'll be uneventful and ed brain will go batshit, I am mostly worried that something will actually happen and my life will fall apart. but i am also not scared enough to do anything about it. and it's too late for that anyway considering the appt is tomorrow lol

[whsprings]

lowkey afraid I'm gonna get a kidney stone bc I didn't drink water at all during the school day for all of k-12 and now i have put hydration on the back burner. idk why I'm so obsessed with ed medical stuff lately,,, it's almost like i want something to happen to prove to myself i am good at having an ed,,,or so that i have an "actual" reason to stop or to gain weight,,, fml once again proving that I fucking suck

[whsprings]

I message my dietitian miscellaneous thoughts and things I am obsessing over sporadically throughout the week so we can chat about them in session and usually she doesn't respond but every once in a while she will and I'm like "ohhhh shit now I actually do have to talk about this" as if I wasn't the one that sent the message in the first place

[whsprings]

you ever refill the soap dispenser and it smells like the person you were a lifetime ago

[whsprings]

last time I was in php one of the other patients was living out of their car before admitting and despite having financial assistance from the program they still had to walk (bc you know. uber costs money.) to the soup kitchen to have enough food to get through the week while following their program-assigned meal plan. they'd often bring up being worried about maintaining after discharge because they'd lose access to the program's grocery assistance (which, might i remind you, wasn't even enough). and idk i just rarely if ever see posts that give practical advice for people dealing with food insecurity while also in recovery. I do see posts that acknowledge food insecurity as a problem but what good is awareness without doing anything about it, ya know?