#like my current living situation has taken too much from me i’ve had to just dissociate and be a shell of myself just to protect myself

[apathyfairy]

if i read through my old notes or my old posts from like 3 years ago i’m like. who is that like that person is dead. who even am i anymore like i have lost all sense of self at this point

[softestqueeen]

ugh, i just love you

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: When you accidently let the a love confession towards your best friend, Spencer Reid, tumble out of your mouth, you think you’ve ruined the friendship between you completely.

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, self destructive thoughts, spiralling SPOILER: happy end, cuz I’m a sap

wordcount: 1333 words

a/n: i had a sudden burst of motivation, after reading way too much angsty fics. i wrote this in like 35 min while rubbing my hands together like a villain at all of the pain that is happening here. muahahaha. anyways, i hope you enjoy this! <3

You ruined it. It finally happened. You knew that it would, sooner or later. Your love for your good colleague and best friend Spencer Reid were just too strong.

Sitting at your tables at the BAU, you and Spencer were the last two remaining. While trying to find anything that got the team closer to a profile, the two of you had ordered Chinese takeout. Taking a break you found yourselves in the break room, enjoying your food. Your conversation, the random facts Spencer told you and the meaningless stories you told him in return, made you forget about the gruesome murderer that was currently preying on their next victim.

Talking with Spencer always made you feel most at home. No matter how bad you felt or how low you were, Spencer could always bring you up again, no matter if it is on purpose or not.

And now, in a moment of vulnerability it had slipped out. “Ugh, I just love you Spence.”

“W- What- What did you say? You- You love me?” you could hear the pure disbelief in his voice, and you were sure he could see that same exact feeling on your face, even without you saying a word. You knew it was too late to take it back now, but you had to save yourself from this mishap, because he just couldn’t love you back.

“Uhm- well, uh, you know I love you as a friend, Spence. Of course, only as a friend,” the last sentence was a mere whisper spilling from your lips. You had to get out of here.

“Well, I think we won’t get to any reports anymore anyway. I’ll see you Spencer, bye!” you were already out of the breakroom, collecting your stuff to leave, when you heard him calling after you.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Spencer!” were the last words he heard before you practically ran out of the building.

So, now you were in Penelope’s little “office” recounting everything that happened. You could feel tears well in your eyes as you told her exactly what happened.

It was too much, the thought of facing Spencer after this. It has gone so far, that you’ve taken a few days off work to collect yourself again. But now that you’re back, you timed it perfectly that you’d arrive before Spencer but after Penny so you could slip into her office and give her a rundown. Which you were currently doing.

“I see, that’s why you stayed home so suddenly. You know, you can always come and talk to me,” she told you. It felt comforting to know that she was on your side.

“Thank you so much Penny, that means a lot to me. But you know, I was happy with the fact we were friends, even if he didn’t love me that way. It was enough for me to be just with him as friends and now I’ve ruined it,” you didn’t now what to do with yourself. Of course, your other best friend doesn’t understand the situation like you did, which kinda frustrated you.

“But you don’t understand! I- I can’t- can’t do this anymore. I loved- I love him. I love him so much it hurts. Every time I looked at him it was harder to keep these words from slipping out. It is all I could- all I can think about. And now I’ve ruined it. I lost my best friend; I lost the chance for a future with him. I don’t want to live like that. Knowing he hates me when he is everything I ever wanted. The ray of sunshine on my rainy days. He always lit up the whole room when he came in, he always made everything better. Every time I see him it’s like that one thing you thought you lost long ago but now have found again. It’s exactly the same feeling.

“I just can’t- I just don’t want to live without him. What do I do know, huh? Leave and never see him again? Stay, but live with the pain, the agony to see him everyday without speaking to him? Without being his friend?

“I feel so intensely that I often wish I could just stop. Stop worrying, stop thinking, stop feeling. But in the end, it’s always the same. I just want it to end, don’t you understand?” you have now started sobbing, letting yourself fall into Pennys arms and she rubs her hand up and down you arm in a comforting manner.

“Oh, sweetheart. Don’t get yourself too worked up about this. You don’t know yet what Spencer is going to say about this. Maybe he feels the same,” in fact, everybody but the two of you at BAU knew that you were in love and for Penelope it was kinda funny that two profilers and also two of the most intelligent people she knew failed to realise that.

“I don’t know,” you mumble into her chest, “I don’t want to get my hopes up. What if he hates me now? What if he’s mad?

“Well, we’ll only find out if you talk to him,” Penny reminded you. You were sitting up normally again, slipping out of her embrace as she was talking to you.

A sigh leaves your lips. “You’re right Pen. What would I do without you? Thanks for listening.”

“No problem. You always know where to find me if you need to talk. But now get up and talk to Mr Boy Genius. I’m sure he’s in just as much agony as you are.”

You let out another sigh before getting up and waving Pen goodbye. Wiping your tears you brace yourself for what’s to come. Taking a seat at your desk, you wait for Spencer to take his seat opposite yours.

Once he does, a few minutes after you, he seems surprised to see you.

“Hey Spencer, can we talk? In private?” you ask him before getting up.

“Yeah, of course,” he answers before getting up too and following you.

Closing the door behind him, you found yourselves in the break room, the first available room.

After a beat of silence, you start talking “Spencer, I owe you an apology.”

For a second Spencer fears that you are going to apologise for telling him that you love him, but you surprise him.

“I’m sorry for just storming off and then practically disappearing. I was a coward and too afraid of your reaction,” you take a deep breath before admitting “I didn’t lie, Spence. I love you. I did however lie about only liking you as a friend. I like you so much more than that, but as you could tell I thought you don’t feel the same. Which- Which would be totally fine, and I don’t want to pressure you into anything when-“

Your rambling is cut off by Spencer’s lips on yours. For a second both of you freeze, before you further lean into him, kissing him back. That seems to snap him out of his trace, because he carefully raises his hands, to cup your face.

After pulling away he tells you “I- I love you too. When you told me that a few nights ago my heart stopped, because I thought you felt the same. But when you told me that’s not how you meant it, my heart shattered. I don’t like it when you lie to me, but I know where it came from, so I guess I accept your apology,” he smiles before adding “Only if you let me take you out. I- I’ve never done any of this before, but I’m willing to give it a try for you.”

“Of course you can take me out, Spence. Don’t worry,” you connect your lips to his again, both of you smiling now that you know everything’s well.

And if you weren’t so engrossed in each other, you’d see Derek giving 20 bucks to Penny.

“I told you they’d eventually tell each other.”

a/n: i hope you liked this, if so please leave some notes, likes, reblogs and comments! feedback is very appreciated! i’d like to write more with spencer reid and aaron hotchner, so if you have any ideas/requests lmk!!

please also consider supporting my ao3: @ softestqueen

requests open!

taglist: @silvermagnolias @milywatermelon @BigBananaa

[pizzaboat]

Eda Clawthorne and BPD

Eda is a character I never really associated with something like BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) until I’d done more research on the disorder myself. Initially, I’d had a one size fits all idea in my mind for what a manifestation of BPD could look like.

But after finishing the Owl House in its entirety, and dispelling some of my ignorance around the topic I’ve come to the headcanon that Eda has BPD.

So to start, what I understand about BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) is that it’s a personality disorder belonging to the cluster B section in the DSM-5.

It’s generally described that people living with it, might engage in risky/self harming behaviour, have an intense fear of abandonment, struggle with addiction, and have unstable/turbulent relationships with others. People with BPD also struggle with an intense feeling of internalised shame and numbness.

BPD usually manifests after some sort of prolonged mental abuse/physical abuse/sexual abuse/ psychological abuse or trauma, and that usually happens in childhood.

Well, what does any of that have to do with Eda? How does her character link in any way to what I've described? Let’s go through it;

(I’m not an expert, this is just a headcanon that I use to look at Eda)

Addiction/Substance Abuse

Eda is implied to be an alcoholic in the show. Apple blood, her infamous favourite drink, is often used as a stand-in or a direct reference to the topic of intoxication or turning to the bottle to cope with big feelings.

Proof of apple blood being an alcohol signal can be when Luz mentions in early S2, that Eda was hard to get off the roof after she drank too much apple blood, implying she became irrational and unreasonable after drinking too much.

Another example is when Eda was seen in a tavern in Eda’s Requiem, she canonically has a large and unpaid tab in that tavern, and was drinking apple blood (from a juice box) while lamenting about the current events of her life.

A scene like that is a heavy reference to the trope of getting drunk and venting to your local bartender that can be seen in a lot of movies and tv-shows.

Eda is also potentially implied to have Depression during the show and is typically grumpy/unapproachable before her first drink, early in the morning.

I’ve headcanons before that Eda uses Apple Blood to self medicate her mood after the implications in season 2 that she is drinking more heavily (the joke about the roof, her chasing free appleblood, drinking in the tavern when she’s sad), and after season1, and during all of season 2 her mental health had taken a clear nose dive after traumatic events and perceived abandonments.

I also mentioned that people with BPD struggle with a feeling of emptiness and numbness, and Eda’s low and irritable mood could be interpreted as coming from a place of feeling hollow. (That’s my headcanon).

Addiction is also considered a risky/self harming behaviour, which leads me to my next point.

Risky/Self Harming behaviours

Eda is an impulsive and risk taking person, that usually contributes to a pretty popular ADHD headcanon for her character, but I’d also like to argue that her risk taking behaviour could also be a sign of BPD, as it typically leads her to dangerous or life threatening situations, often on purpose.

A small example of this is when searching for titan blood, she pushes herself in front of a laser beam and urges King to shoot her with it to trigger her harpy powers. In that episode she was struggling to go harpy mode;

And the episode before that, Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door, she was shown depriving herself of sleep and worrying about not being ready for the day of unity. Eda had proved she was anxious to be ready and willing to hurt herself to be so, stemming from an internal feeling of frustration and worthlessness because she didn’t have what she needed to be ready.

In the cave, I think her action to jump in front of the laser, disguising her actions as a childish and silly request of bone-headedness was her hiding her self-destructive instincts and inner frustration in plain sight.

Her risky behaviours are driven by a deep self hatred and that leads me to her most risky action of all…

Fear of Abandonment

When Eda overhears the kids talking about telling her something, she spirals and assumes the worst. She spends that episode devaluing herself, trying to self-soothe with apple blood, and distancing herself from the kids in response to her assumption that they only have the worst news for her.

Luz is leaving and King wants to live with his dad.

She spends the day living out what appears to be a fantasy with Raine, where she is ‘Mama Eda’ to the younger BATTs members and she and Raine are playfully dancing around each other with some not so subtle flirting. It resembles a family life, where her and Raine are married, or atleast happily together, and the BATTs are like her very own kids that need her.

(it’s key to point out that Raine did most of the heavy flirting and was active, while Eda just bathed herself in the situation. Likely because while it was what she wanted, she’d also expressed earlier in the episode that she felt everyone left her in the end and all good things ended).

When this fanasy/substition falls through and the rebellion is busted, her and Raine play a murder-suicide duet attempt together, where Raine then learns that there’s more to the story than Eda is letting on, and that she isn’t just being motivated to do the heroic thing because she has nothing to lose.

Raine clearly realises Eda is trying to die because she has something to lose, and she assumes she is losing it. Dying to Eda is less painful and scary than being abandoned again.

I mentioned that childhood trauma/abuse can cause BPD to develop, and I’d argue that having a curse that caused the people she loved to leave her because she pushed them away, or because it seemed like her curse made her too monstrous to love, is pretty traumatising.

And that fear of abandonment predates even the curse, as it was revealed in the flashback episode where her and Raine met, that Eda had no friends, was ostracised by her teachers/principle and that she was terrified of being separate from Lilith; her only friend. Eda didn't know what an expulsion would mean for their relationship, if Lilith would still be her best friend, or if Lilith progressed onwards without her, would she abandon Eda?

Well, that worry was validated when it was revealed their sister relationship fell apart sometime between their late teens and mid-forties, when Lilith is introduced as Eda’s rival and Eda’s expression is stormy when she first sees Lilith on screen, it’s laos important to note that Lilith attacked first at the convention with her words, and Eda, having some very stormy feelings about her sister, responds to the greeting by cutting Lilith down in front of young fans in a way she knows will rile up her sister.

She basically attacks Lilith’s mask by mentioning that Lilith peed herself at a convention as a kid, and then proceeds to act childish in Lilith’s presence to wind her up and prove to Lilith that she is no better than Eda and that she’s not changed a bit since they were kids where it counts, according to Lilith.

We don’t know what caused Eda and Lilith to feud like this, but it can be assumed that LIlith joining a coven that allows only two days off a year made Eda feel like she was abandoned by her sister in some of the worst years of her life, by the person she once called her best friend.

The breakdown of such an important relationship would be upsetting to anyone, but to Eda, in the situation she was in, that would have to be further traumatising.

To add to the familial issues, Eda has issues with Gwen.

The entirety of keeping up a-fear-ances was about how gwen had failed both her daughters, but for this post, it’s that Gwen treated the curse, something so integral to Eda and her life at this point, something that Eda cannot change or separate herself from, like something her mom needed to cure her of.

To eradicate. So much so that she disregarded Eda’s bodily autonomy and safety at multiple points in just one episode and caused Eda to snap. She scared Eda into running away as a teenager, and she had to apologise to Eda in that episode for making her daughter feel like she didn’t love her. “I love every part of you.” - to paraphrase what Gwen said.

It’s not hard to imagine that feeling like your own mother would rather risk your health and happiness, disregard your wishes and try to remove an unremovable part of your person, would make you feel more unlovable and broken than you already feel.

I’m sure that this contributed to Eda’s fear of abandonment and would help cultivate the already existing internal shame she feels just for existing next to her loved ones and feeling like she’s not good enough to be in their lives because all she does is hurt them.

Yup, this is setting up my next point…

Shame/Low Sense of Self-Worth

Proof that Eda’s self-worth is low and her inner shame is high comes from how she treats her kids and her father. Eda struggles to look at people she feels she’s let down. While some individuals with BPD might do everything to avoid abandonment, Eda tends to abandon people first and devalues herself in the process, convincing herself she doesn’t deserve to fight for them or be in their company.

Her inner shame mostly stems from how she handles her curse, its impact on her life, and her past relationships. With Luz and King, she initially keeps up a protective wall and avoids physical affection. When she believes they are leaving her, she justifies her suicidal thoughts to Raine by denying her role as their "mother," revealing her deep-seated belief that she's unworthy of such a title.

Despite considering them her children, Eda questions her ability to be a suitable mother figure, expressing doubts about her worthiness. It takes reassurance from Raine for Eda to begin to accept that she is needed and, consequently, good enough.

Her relationship with Dell, though mentioned sparingly, has left lasting scars. Eda blames herself for hurting him and struggles to forgive herself, even when her father asks her to move on from the past.

In Knock Knock-Knocking on Hooty’s Door, Eda implies that she is haunted by nightmares of her breakup with Raine, blaming herself entirely for their breakup. This implied consistent rumination suggests that she feels responsible for every abandonment and rejection she has experienced, exacerbating her inner shame.

Raine was likely the last stable influence in Eda’s life, and her breakup further solidified Eda’s belief that she is the cause of her own abandonment. This cycle of self-blame and perceived rejection has left lasting mental scars, reinforcing Eda’s sense of brokenness and perpetuating her feelings of endless abandonment.

By examining Eda’s behaviour and internal struggles, it becomes evident that her shame and low sense of self-worth are deeply ingrained, shaping her relationships and interactions throughout the series.

Splitting

I can’t really talk about a BPD headcanon without mentioning its most famous feature. Splitting, from what I understand, is when a person's mood, sense of self, or perception of others shifts dramatically in the other direction in response to a threat, stressor, or trigger.

It might not just look like, “I like this person.” “Now I hate this person.” It can manifest as more dynamic, extreme black-and-white thinking, where something is either all or nothing:

“She always does this.”

“He never does that.”

“Things always go wrong.”

“This always goes right.”

The black-and-white thinking can be either positive or negative and can even be about a person's own self. And this is where my headcanon goes a bit shaky, because all I really have to go off of is Eda’s initial attitude of “We weirdos stick together,” and then how she switches those ideals up when she’s devaluing herself and her importance within the relationships she has with friends and family.

This is particularly evident with the kids and her extreme and impulsive suicide attempt, where I get this feeling of “I’m not good enough, and I will never be good enough.” off of her.

She also changes her mood with Lilith very quickly during the season 1 finale. A few minutes ago, she was ready to kill her sister and saw her as the most vile person she’d ever met. The next minute, she is letting her sister back into her house and wanting a relationship with her again after she split the curse.

There is this kind of emotional impermanence where she forgives Lilith and goes straight back to wanting to be friends with her at a speed and level that isn’t common at all. No matter what is done to Eda, she seems to bounce back quickly, no matter how badly she’s hurt in the end.

That's all I've really got for that, to be honest. If I find more that explores this idea better, I will probably make a post about it.

Conclusion

I think that turbulent relationships, a massive fear of abandonment, risky and impulsive behaviours and high shame/low self esteem are key parts of Eda’s character and that’s why I headcanon her to have BPD(borderline personality disorder.)

[gavisuntiedboot]

Hello, if your taking requests at the moments I have one that I’d love to see though it may be a little difficult!

Gavi and the reader (an actor) are dating but are in different counties due to the reader going aboard to film a new show! The young couple decide to go on an Instagram live together to hang out & a lot of fans join!

Hello and welcome to a new series I’m calling “boot on the bus”, where I see how much I can write of an ask on my bus ride home. Whatever state it is at at the end of my ride, I post! (Also so sorry to this anon who sent me this req literally months ago)

~~~

[incoming call]: pablito ❤️😡

“Hello?”

“Amor!! Finally!!”

“Pablo, why are you making an international call right now?”

“I can afford it. You have three seconds to explain to me why you haven’t been answering a single one of my FaceTime calls. I’ve been worried and, more importantly, bored out of my mind!”

You laughed lightly and relaxed back into the plush cushions of the hotel couch. You had forgotten that the last time you were out of Spain for filming was before you had met Gavi. Being on a successful HBO original came with a lot of perks, but also a lot of pain, both physical and emotional. You had joined the royal drama “Heavenly Bodies” in the middle of its first season, instantly being thrown into a love triangle between the two male leads. Viewers ate it up, creating theories and art (and ofc fan fiction) about you and your costars, foaming at the mouth to know what would happen next. The high demand lead to your current situation, where you were cooling off in a high hotel room overlooking Dubai, listening to your boyfriends complaints 2 months earlier than scheduled.

“I haven’t gotten any of them, Pablito. FaceTime is blocked here.”

You heard a loud scoff over the phone.

“If you are too busy to talk just say that, princesa. How could FaceTime be blocked in Dubai? That makes no sense!”

“Google it.” You retorted, laying back on the couch and cracking open a cold soda. You heard yells of “Ale! Google this for me!”, followed by a long pause.

“Oh wow. It is blocked.”

“See!” You yelled into the receiver, causing Gavi to complain about his sensitive eardrums. You sat back down, continuing what would probably be a very expensive phone call with your boyfriend. As you two talked, he sighed loudly, and you heard his body hit the couch.

“I miss seeing your face, princesa. Don’t get me wrong I love the sound of your voice, but it’s just different. Is there no way we can video call?”

You could basically hear the pout and puppy dog eyes in Gavi’s voice, and it made your heart swell. He was so enamored by you, so taken by the way you looked and spoke and laugh, that all he wanted was to once again cup your face in his hands and pull you in close enough to share his breathing space.

“Well, we could always just go on live together.”

“Huh?”

“Like do a live stream. On instagram or something. We would both be calling but there would just be other people there.”

Gavi paused once again, playing around with the idea in his mind.

“But what if I… want to say “not appropriate in front of people” stuff?”

“That’s what Snapchat is for.”

His laugh resounded through the phone, and you couldn’t help the large smile that squinted your eyes and filled out your cheeks.

“Okay, Vamos, let’s do it.”

You got onto instagram and started a live, inviting Gavi to join. Every one of your 10.5 million followers who has their notifications on started to pour in, the messages of “I love you 😍” and “hi from Brazil 🇧🇷” flying at unreadable speeds. Gavi’s end connected a second later, and the fans went mental. Gavi was beaming like the sun when the line connected, finally able to see your face again.

“Hello again, Amor. I missed that pretty smile.”

Your fans and Gavi’s were now in the chat trying to prevent a mass cardiac arrest incident.

Ynbiggestfan: MOTHERRRRR AND FATHERRR

gavi3096: nobody let Madrid see this they’ll know how to make him soft

Ynandgavicloset2: the way he calls her amor time to take a nap on an electrical wire in the rain

You weren’t reading any of it thought. You were staring at Gavi who was staring at you, the two of you making idle conversation about your trip and your show and his upcoming matches. He looked at you with so much love and affection that it made you blush, turning you into a much more shy and cuddly mess than people were used to. The sexy and strong power couple were now just a bunch of teenagers giggling and kicking their feet on instagram live. A strand of hair fell in your face, and Gavi reached out to his phone before remembering he couldn’t sweep it from your eyes on a different continent.

“Princesa, from now on, no filming on location unless I can come.”

“Why Pablito? Can’t live without me?” You teased, expecting a sharp reaction.

“Correct. Im literally itching and shaking from withdrawal. I love you and miss you come back faster.”

The chat got so overwhelmed they crashed the live.

~~~

Hey guys! Hope y’all enjoyed this little imagine. Ik not everybody wants super long works, but I don’t know how to write fast or short so then things sit in my inbox forever. So here’s to length variation!! Love y’all, time to take a nap.

[donfermin]

INTERVIEW WITH EL 10 DEL BARÇA

[Disclaimer: neither English nor Spanish is my first language, so there may be mistakes. This is not a word-for-word translation; there are some parts I have simplified. Some interviewer comments were also omitted because they were not important.]

Victor Palacios: First of all, how are you and how is the team currently doing?

Personally, I’m doing well and the dynamic of the team is great, we hope to continue like this on Sunday to get another three points.

VP: Girona is next. Are you surprised by Girona?

Yes, I think they are having a good season and they are a great team that will make it difficult for us.

VP: The team had a high during the matches against Porto and Atlético Madrid, which for me was the best of the season. I don’t know to what extent that slump before those two matches affected the team. Do you think that the press (us included) was too unfair to the team?

What we have to do is to leave what comes from the outside a little bit aside. We ourselves and the coach know how we work on a daily basis and the things we do well and also the things we do badly. We had a bad streak where we couldn’t play well, as the coach asked us to. And I think that now we have turned the situation around and we’re very happy.

Miguel Ángel Ruiz: I’m curious about many things because your career is like a dream of any footballer. You come from a village of just over 2000 people, El Campillo de Huelva, you go through a very hard stage because, as you’ve said on other occasions, you were physically smaller than the rest, and finally, when you hit your stride, you get the disappointment of being sent on a loan to Linares, but then you return to the first team. I don’t know if you are aware that you are fulfilling the dream of any child, of any person, especially Barça fans, of reaching the first team with such a beautiful story.

Yes, in the end, I’m lucky to be living what I’m living. It was my dream since I was a child, to be here at Barça. It is true that, as I have said on different occasions, I had some difficult moments, but I, like everyone else, have been able to overcome them and now I’m fulfilling my dream and I’m very happy.

MAR: Who is your best friend in the team and the one who has helped you the most?

My best friend is Gavi. I get along with everyone, but Gavi is like my brother.

MAR: Is he also the one who has helped you the most?

Yes, when I was having a hard time too, because he was there with me for most of my time at La Masia and also during pre-season, he helped me a little to integrate into the team.

VP: Is he animated now [referring to Gavi’s injury]?

Well… now he’s better.

VP: What I mean is if he’s mentally well enough to face the recovery.

Yes, he’s strong, he’s a warrior and at the beginning it was hard because they have taken away what he loves most and he’s not able to help us. But he’s very strong mentally and he’ll come back stronger, for sure.

MAR: Do you think Xavi should be our Ferguson?

In what sense?

MAR: You know that Ferguson is the longest-serving coach, namely in the sense that the project should be very long term and last as many years as possible.

I hope so, to be honest, because he [Xavi] was the one who trusted me and gave me the opportunity to be living what I am living now and I’m very happy.

VP: When you see that Xavi speaks so highly of you, that he has given you the opportunity, as you said, and you are obviously, everybody can see it, delivering on the pitch. When you hear one of the best, if not the best, midfielder that football has ever had talk about you, what comes to mind? Because I suppose you played as him in FIFA, of course.

Yes, I’ve seen him on television since I was a kid and it’s flattering that someone like the coach can think well of you. I try not to believe it too much, or else he will make me work even harder if I relax. I’ve always said that I’m grateful for the way he’s always treated me and I have to keep working hard and show that I can get more minutes.

VP: You are a Barça fan because of your uncle, right? Well, I’ve found out that you have a brother who is a Real Madrid fan. I guess you've already put him on the right path, haven't you?

That has already changed.

MAR: Luckily, you’ve been able to get him back on the right path and he’s regained his good taste in football. I wanted to ask you about President Laporta, who we often see coming to the dressing room to cheer the team up, but has he ever come down angry or to tell you off?

I think the President is a very positive person and very approachable. The truth is when he comes it is always for positive things and to give us strength and help us to move forward.

MAR: I also wanted to ask you about the issue of social media, which always generate a lot of controversy. There are good aspects, but also negative ones. Would you be in favour of avoiding controversy and everything that happens around Barça, as we have this toxic environment… Would you be in favour of banning social media for footballers?

Maybe, but almost all of us in the team don’t read the news. We try to avoid this, because for better or for worse, it’s not good. And banning them, well, everyone uses social media the way they want, but I don’t think it should be banned per se. Everyone wants to read what they want to read and that’s it. We try to stay away from that.

VP: In Madrid they say a lot of things, but why take them into account, right? But in Barcelona… That’s why I asked you one of the first questions about how all this affects the team. And you say that you don’t look at the press at all, you ignore it.

Yes, that’s true. At the end of day, we know what’s going on inside and what we are experiencing. Both when we need to improve and when things are going well, there is only us and that’s it.

VP: Is there a lot of bullshit being said, yes or no?

We don’t read them, but yes, some are nonsense.

MAR: Fermín, confess, have you ever seen Pedrerol’s Chiringuito (ed. El chiringuito de Jugones presented by Josep Pedrerol)?

Not now. When I was a kid, I used to think it was funny and all, but…

MAR: Xavi said in a press conference that the media and the environment were influencing the team, but you say you don’t read the press. In other words, you deny Xavi’s statement and it doesn’t influence you.

VP: Cancelo said no too.

It does not influence you, but it is true that in the end things reach you. But one thing is it reaches you and another if it influences you. I think the coach agreed, the coach said that outside Barça there is a toxic circle that is not good either.

VP: The pre-season goal against Real Madrid, what did you feel at that moment? Because I was shocked. It was early in the morning here and I think I woke my neighbours up with my scream.

I don’t even know what I felt, so imagine that.

MAR: Did any Real Madrid player say anything to you after the match?

Brahim? I think Brahim congratulated me or something like that. Well, they also lost, it’s unpleasant.

VP: What goal can you imagine scoring someday? That goal that makes you think “Oh shit, I hope it’s me”, right? With this shirt.

I don’t know. During the Champions League final, it would be great.

VP: Not bad.

MAR: Against Madrid.

Against Madrid would be better. If not, against whoever.

VP: A Champions League final, Barça-Real Madrid, with all due respect, I don’t want it. I’m really sorry Fermín, but I don’t want it.

MAR: I wouldn’t watch it. I don’t want to suffer. My heart can’t take it anymore. Listen, Fermín, you have always said that your idols are Messi, who has a similar story to yours because you were both small, and also Iniesta, right? But precisely because of that, how did you experience Messi’s departure? Did you cry at the final press conference?

I didn’t cry, but it was really sad. Everything I had experienced as a child with Barça was linked to Messi, Iniesta and Xavi and to see one of the greatest in history go… well, you can imagine.

MAR: The truth is that it was hard, we had a hard time. And who do you think was to blame for Messi’s departure?

I don’t know, to be honest. I have no idea. I don’t think there is anyone to blame. In the end, things happen and those who were there at the time know what happened and that’s all.

VP: This is a delicate question, but in the dressing room is there a feeling that, if it wasn’t for the refereeing, the team would have a lot more points? Well, maybe not a lot. A couple more points.

MAR: That is an understatement. Six or seven [points].

VP: They [the players] don’t control the situation, but I want to know…

It’s something we can’t control and that’s it.

MAR: Sure, but I want to know how the environment is.

Referees can make mistakes, just like us and that’s all. There is no need to think about it anymore. I wish they would always agree with us, but that’s the way it is.

MAR: Last season, Real Madrid would have won La Liga without the VAR. And their president, Florentino Pérez, has said through his puppet, Ancelotti, that VAR should not be used. What do you think, a 20-year-old kid used to technology, that we have the VAR technology and at the request of Real Madrid and because of Real Madrid’s interests, it is being used less and is harming the fairness of football?

Everyone is free to say what they want and whatever opinion they have, that’s all. I have nothing to say about this.

VP: Let’s talk about the great game against Shakhtar. It was a good night in the Champions League for you, as MVP, and you also scored a goal. I was at the stadium and I was freaking out. I posted several tweets saying “Fermín, what is this? What are you doing!” What a terrific night, wasn’t it?

Yes, it was. I think the team played a good game, although we suffered a bit at the end because Shakhtar is also a good team and they pushed us a bit at the end. But I think we played well and we had chances. I had two or three more chances to score and I’m sure I would have been a bit calmer at the end, but I think it was a great game.

VP: From the outside, it seems that we see everyone very easily and everyone has their quality, their stories, don’t they?

Of course. Every team nowadays can beat you and they are very well prepared physically and tactically. We are aware of that.

MAR: Which player from the current Real Madrid squad would you sign for Barça?

Nobody.

MAR: Nobody?

VP: What’s the matter? Don’t you believe it, Miguel Ángel?

MAR: They have good players as well. Not as good as ours, but…

The best players are here [at Barça].

MAR: That’s where I agree with you. I was going to ask you but I’m not sure anymore, as you said your best friend is Gavi. I was going to ask you who is better for you, Gavi or Bellingham?

Answer yourself. It’s obvious.

VP: I wanted to ask you about the time you went to play for Rafa Márquez [with Barça B] during a national team break, I think it was a game against Gimnàstic de Tarragona, if I’m not mistaken. Did you give an assist? [Fermín: No]Am I on the right track? And then you were sent off, wasn’t it?

Yes.

VP: I don’t know if you said to Xavi: “I’m going with the B team to help”, because it was a national team break. And I don’t know how you dealt with that moment, because then you continued to have opportunities with Xavi, everything went well. But at the time there was talk that you weren’t very…

It was a day to forget, to be honest. Because we had already agreed with Xavi that I was going to help the B team in that game, because in the end it was my team, it is my team. And nothing, I was excited because it was my debut too. It was the first official game I played with them and I don’t know, there were some decisions and they sent me off and it was a game to forget. On top of that we lost.

VP: Yes, there was a defeat. Listen, now I’m going to tell you a secret that I shouldn’t tell you. But who gave you the nickname Fermín Trujillo? [Fermín Trujillo is one of the main characters in La que se avecina played by actor Fernando Tejero]

I don’t know, everyone calls me that.

VP: But someone funny started it, for sure.

I think it was Abde [Ezzalzouli] or… well, Pedri. Pedri says it often: “Trujillo, Trujillo.”

VP: We have tried everything we could to get Fernando Tejero here today to greet you and surprise you. But eventually he’s got a lot of things to do and he couldn’t come. But it would’ve been great. Do you watch a lot La que se avecina?

Now I watch it more than before. When I’m a bit bored, I put it on for a while. But thank you very much.

MAR: Let’s talk about the Champions League. We are already in the quarter finals. Virtually first place [of the group], let’s hope so. Who are your favourites? Other than Barça, that hopefully will be at Wembley, who are your favourites this year?

I don’t have any favourite team other than Barça but there are very good teams, obviously: City, Madrid, Bayer, all of them. At Champions League level, they are all contenders.

VP: Final at Wembley. Barça against who?

It doesn’t matter, as long as we win. Give whoever it takes.

VP: You have a squad with which you can win and you are going for it, right? Do you think that the Champions League is in your mindset, a step beyond last year’s league?

Yes, obviously we aspire to win all the titles. That’s why we are Barça and we are obliged to fight for it and hopefully we can win everything. We trust in our squad, in the staff and hopefully it will happen.

MAR: Since you have spoken about Gavi, your best friend. I’d like to ask you how you feel about the fact that the Caverna Madridista and so on are calling Gavi, even though he’s a national team player, an aggressive player and treat him with such derogatory ways. Moreover, throughout its history, Madrid had some of the most aggressive players we know…

If that’s what they think [about Gavi], then they never saw him play. Or they don’t him. He has many qualities that are not often highlighted and he’s very important for the team.

MAR: When you were young, you know, we’ve seen Iniesta, he said he was a Madrid fan, he made a mistake, then he went too far and so on. You’ve always been a Barça fan since you were a little boy, of course. Why did you choose Barça? What did you like about Barça? Because, of course, in Catalonia it’s easy to be a Barça fan, but outside Catalonia it’s not easy at all, surrounded by madridistas. So, what made you become a Barça fan when you were young?

Mainly, because of my uncle, Juan Antonio, who is a huge culé. When I was a kid, he instilled it in me. I’ve always watched everything. Everything that is Barça. I’ve seen Messi, Iniesta, Xavi, Busquets, etc. I loved watching Barça and, since I was a kid, I had that love for Barça.

VP: Your favourite moment in Barça’s history, in the history you have lived through?

When there was the team I mentioned of Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Messi…

VP: But tell me a game, a game that made you say “I’m so excited, I can’t stand it anymore”.

The 5-1.

MAR: To Madrid?

Yes.

VP: That was with Valverde, wasn’t it, Miguel Ángel? I think it was with Valverde…

The one with Piqué, with the hand… That was 5-0.

MAR: Of course, that was with Mourinho. Anyway, I know that you don’t want to talk about referees and that it’s logical you don’t want to get into controversy, but I need to insist. I mean, we are competing in a league in which we have seen for the first time in history that they re-refereed a game last season, they even changed a report. We’ve seen Lewandowski get three games for touching his nose. Others go around punching people in the car parks and they don’t even get penalised. In short, we are unfortunately used to this. How does the team experience these things? How do the Barça players experience it from the inside?

It’s what I told you, isn’t it? These are things we can’t control and we don’t give them much importance. That’s all. We are only looking after our own, only at Barça, and that’s it. What’s outside is someone else’s matter.

VP: Do you like this interview thing? Because Gavi does a few, but I noticed that he likes the ball, playing football, killing himself for Barça and that’s fantastic, isn’t it? But you look comfortable. I don’t know if you like to be interviewed or not.

I think it’s something that is part of my profession and that’s it. When I have to do one, I’ll do it as well as I can. It’s not something I’m passionate about, nor do I dislike it.

VP: I think we have changed a lot, during all this time, and we saw it the other day with Aitana Bonmatí, your Barça Femení teammate, who replied to Cadena Cope after a match. Footballers now have such a power that they don’t even need to give interviews. One tweet and everything falls apart.

Yes, I did see that. Sometimes it’s normal that you reach the limit and you can reply and so on, but it’s better to isolate yourself and avoid problems.

[Introduction of the third host: Cerebro Culé (Mario)]

Cerebro Culé: First of all, you didn't want to get involved with the referees and I think that's normal, right? You talked about a bad streak. I’d like to ask you how much you think Barça loosing 7-8 starting players have had an influence. Because there are a lot of people who don’t value Barcelona’s game, while we’ve had so many absentees, and I’d like to know what your opinion is.

It's true that if affected us because they were very important players for us. I think that those of us who had the chance tried to give our best and on many occasions we did. And what went wrong we have tried to improve and now we are in a good dynamic and hopefully it will continue like that.

CC: Then you also said that your best friend is Gavi. You have defended Gavi over Bellingham, and you also don’t want to sign any Real Madrid player. The truth is that we culés love it. But aside from friendship, who do you think could be the leader of this Barça? From the outside we have the feeling that it could be Araujo or another player like Ter Stegen, but from inside the dressing room itself, who do you think could be the leader of this Barça? A Barça that, among other things, had lost some very important players in recent years.

I think that many important players have the ability to lead, as you said yourself. The captains, Robert, Sergi, Frenkie, Ronald, players who have more experience, can be the ones who can help us young players a little more. Well, Pedri sometimes seems like he’s not young and he’s already a leader, almost. I think almost all of them have the ability to lead the team.

CC: There’s one thing I’ve been thinking about for a long time. What goes through the head of a footballer who leaves Barcelona Atlètic and is loaned to Linares and in just a few months after his return he faces Real Madrid, he faces what is a Primera División team like Barça. On top of that scores a classic. It’s incredible, of course. What are your feelings? What goes through the head of a 20-year-old footballer when this happens to him? As I said, in just a few months.

I try to take it naturally. In the end, it’s what I have worked for and fought for since I was a child and I enjoy it day by day with my teammates who were my idols just a short time ago, and I try to take advantage of this situation and enjoy this experience, which is my dream.

VP: How are players like Lewandowski or Gündoğan in close proximity? Because I put myself in his [Fermín’s] situation and imagine going into a dressing room with guys, as we were talking about before, who he played as [in FIFA]. Incredible, right?

Yes, it impresses you. Obviously, they are world class players and it impresses you, but in the end, they are normal people, they are very good people and I have a good relationship with all of them, but yes, it really impresses you at the beginning.

VP: These are the people who support the young people when they go up.

Yes, always. They always try to help. Even if Lamine’s case is controversial, but everyone tries to help and especially those with more experience, perhaps like Robert or Gündo, in this case, who can help us young people a lot.

VP: What happens on the field stays on the field.

Yes.

MAR: Have you not been scolded by any veteran as happened to Lamine?

When they had to tell me something, they told me, obviously. That’s always good for improvement.

CC: It’s the last [question] I have prepared here, and I’d like you to describe yourself, Fermín as a player, because we have seen him many times in the box. I’d like to see him a little bit in Pedri’s position. How would you describe Fermín as a footballer and above all, what do you think you could improve on, what do you think you could bring to this Barça?

I think I am a player with good vision, ability to shoot, last pass. I am skilful. I’m a hard worker too, I consider myself a hard worker. And what I contribute? Maybe I can get into the second line, shoot from outside and just play my football. And when the coach decides, I try to contribute.

CC: And what is the limit for this Barça? For you, who are in it and live it day by day.

We have no limit. Never, but I believe we have a squad that can do important things and I am sure we will achieve them.

[Introduction of the fourth host: Martin Miñán]

Martin Miñán: I know you’ve been in the first team for a few months, but what do you think you’ve worked on maybe more with the coach, with the staff? I know it’s often said that they do personalised video work, improving an individual aspect or the understanding of the game, something that you’ve improved in these months.

In the end the coach has the Barça DNA, as they say, and from the youth system they prepare us to be here one day. It’s quite similar to what I’ve always been asked to do, but it’s true that every coach has his own nuances and the truth is that the coach has helped me a lot. In the end, he has been one of the best midfielders in the world and all I have to do is learn from him and everything he tells me is good for me.

MM: And I also wanted to ask you about the midfielders currently in the first team. Is there one that you look at in particular? That’s not to say that you don’t notice the others, but is there one that in training, during matches, that you noticed, that you copy some movements or something like that?

As you said, I look a lot at everyone, but maybe a little more at who plays in my position, like Pedri or Gavi, when he’s available. But I try to learn from everyone, Gündoğan, Frenkie. But maybe more at those who play a bit more forward, Pedri, Gavi, Joao Felix.

MM: Now that you are mentioning Joao Felix and that’s already the last question. If I may, last week we say you on his Instagram story, I think you were bringing him coffee, or tea, a hot drink, because you lost a bet. I don’t know if you can tell us what bet you lost with Joao and if there are any bets going on in the dressing room with any player right now.

We have a good relationship, we always look for fouls or finishes and so on, so if I lose, I need to make a cappuccino. And that day I lost and he recorded it.

MM: Thank you, Fermín, thank you for your time and I wish you success for the rest of the season and in particular for the three points on Sunday.

Thank you very much.

MAR: And we end the interview with a test we have prepared for Fermín.

VP: Very quick, very easy. Play, Nintendo or Xbox?

Play.

VP: A film?

Fast and Furious.

VP: A book?

I like Iniesta’s very much.

VP: A singer or a band?

Mike Towers.

VP: Do you like “El Barrio”? Since you are Andalusian?

Yes, very much so.

VP: I thought you were going to tell me “El Barrio”. Anyway, the title you dream of winning?

Anything right now, because it would be my first. But to win the Champions League would be terrific.

VP: Best moment at Barça?

Right now.

VP: The sports programme that you say, “Oh shit, I’d take this one off the television, I can’t stand it. Why do I have to watch this on television?”

I don’t watch TV much, really. When I watch TV, it’s often Netflix. I don’t know.

VP: Living in El Campillo or in the little flat in Barcelona?

In El Campillo.

VP: If you weren’t a footballer, would you be?

A physical trainer.

VP: And how is your Catalan? Is it okay?

Very good.

VP: Thank you very much, Fermín. What a pleasure to have you here.

Thank you very much.

[didnt-hear-idsb-live-again]

So if you are getting false reports from UMG merch, why is your shop taken down? If you can prove they aren't copies? And what's stopping you and every other person whose store is taken down form taking action? Like how can her merch team have power in this situation over your store?

Well, the shop is down because I hid it to prevent consequences from Etsy, but the way it works is that Etsy doesn’t make any actual decisions. You could go on Etsy right now, go to BeckyMakesCandles’ account, and file a report say thats her candles are your intellectual property and you want them down. Because of a law called the Digital Millennium Copyright Act of 2001 (DMCA for short), if Etsy does not operate on taking your good faith word for it, if BeckyMakesCandles’ stuff was your intellectual property, you could sue Etsy for not taking action and Etsy would be liable for allowing it, not Becky.

This law actually is a good thing for creatives (gestures broadly at the 5737488292 listings of mine on Amazon etc which I am - usually - able to get removed), but it leaves every site that allows for user generated content with a hard “we are not getting fucking involved, your shit is coming down” policy any time anyone files a report of this nature. Etsy, like quite a few other sites, if you get too many of these, says “you must be the problem, and we don’t trust that your account with us is operating in good faith” and bans your IP from ever making an account with them again because, simply put, they don’t want to deal with it. Which is understandable and good, in most cases (again gesturing broadly at all the Amazon listings with my shit; I’ve successfully had TONS of IP’s banned from various sites under this premise in actual good faith). My Etsy got its final warning before this happens as a result of TN targeting me and that’s why my shop is currently “on vacation mode” if you look at it; I pretty much boarded up myself as a means of self preservation.

The simple answer to the other part of your question is simply that it’s literally a billion dollar business empire. So while I am extremely careful and I’ve had a friend’s lawyers who work with Taylor Nights (so they specialize in like, fan marketing) unofficially okay my designs, even though I know I am playing by the rules, I’m not trying to engage in a lawsuit over it with a billionaire. While each individual design is fine, there’s definitely still admittedly a grey area in terms of whether or not a business selling items that are Taylor related marketing to Taylor fans is allowed to exist at all (Disney has been involved in plenty of lawsuits adjacent to this), so its pretty unfortunately not worth fucking around and finding out. I think pretty much every other fan merch store feels similarly.

Someday I don’t doubt a fan merch shop that really IS playing by the rules will go toe to toe with whatever official company sells the merch, and they very well might win and set a legal precedent. But while that hasn’t happened in a big way yet, really, it’s just not worth it. The living I make off my shop is pretty meager pennies compared to what I’d have to lose if I decided to test them and lost.

[bugbyte]

I think I’ve written before about how we were illegally evicted during 2020’s eviction moratorium. This has had four years’ worth of far-reaching effects, plus my becoming physically disabled during all that time. We are lucky to be staying with a family member, however, this can’t be a permanent situation. It’s not great long term for us or for them.

I’ve been tearing my hair out trying to figure out how to “move on” from our lives being derailed, when we have $0 in savings (and are disincentivized from attempting to save due to the assistance programs we are currently receiving but won’t be after next year or so when we lose eligibility) and rent everywhere has doubled and tripled. I literally do not know what to do.

Not homeless enough to qualify for anything that could get us somewhere, and also too homeless for anything that might help. There is a big crack in the system and we fell right through.

I also want to avoid living in an apartment situation again if it can be avoided at all. Stairs are going to destroy me physically, hearing noise all the time from other tenants aggravates my anxiety and mental health conditions which in turn messes up my physical health pretty badly because I lose sleep. The silver lining of the current situation is realizing how badly I was affected by the places we had been living and how at least that part of my health has been more controlled.

I just. Feel so frustrated. How do people do this? I am sure we aren’t the first couple in this country to both suffer a bad health decline almost simultaneously, while losing housing, and so on. Lightning doesn’t strike twice except when it does, and it did.

I just need like. A foothold. Somehow. Those videos of people converting buses into homes are wildly impractical and yet I’m so envious of a place that’s yours, that can’t really be taken away on someone’s whim, that you can just pick up and plant elsewhere when need be. I just want to live in a hut that doesn’t cost a quarter million dollars, that can be paid off, so we can at least try and rebuild.

I am basically screaming into the void here, but the clock is ticking on how much longer we get any kind of assistance and I need to start thinking of ideas now before that runs out. I’m researching grants, which we mostly don’t qualify for, because I’ve just got absolute nothing to work from. I feel like an insane person going over and over and over the same things I’ve already read hoping to find something I missed, but there’s just nothing.

Don’t have a bad landlord, and don’t have bad luck, I guess.

[lunchtimebedamned1997]

Why Do I Feel Uncomfortable, Media Literacy, & The Crime of Opinions

(This is something I've had half-finished in my documents for a couple months now that I decided to try and finish up tonight. Just some thoughts that have been percolating)

...

Recently, I’ve been beginning to pre-film some reactions, that are perhaps more akin to commentary or media analysis videos, of the new live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender. Coming at it as a nostalgic fan of the original animated series, long-time lover of media (television in particular has always been a love of mine), and as someone with a background in many creative areas – From writing (personal screenwriting, WIP novels, fanfic + more), as well as art (digital, traditional, multimedia, ceramics, prop making, etc.), sewing, SFX makeup, practical effects whore (enthusiast), and too much more to list.

But though I’ve only watched and filmed two episodes at the time of writing this, I’ve noticed something; I continually apologize for not loving it. And/or apologize if I am possibly, maybe, by chance, coming off too harshly or negatively.

But why?

The point of a reaction video, of any opinion piece, is just that: opinion.

So why is there this nagging notion of feeling like I should not be ‘negative’?

Or more acutely:

Why do I feel uncomfortable with expressing discontent with a creative work?

To be clear before I go into things, this bit of writing will not be a review of the series as I have not yet finished it (nor has it yet been so egregious that I feel called to DNF it), and cannot thusly have a fully-formed concept of my overall thoughts just yet. Rather, this will be about the question posed above; an examination of myself, the current state of online reactions towards expressed discontent, and an overall rambling, hypothesizing bit of writing on the topics at hand.

…

Firstly, and most obviously, I think some of the feeling stems from the clear signs of hard work put into this particular series. While the overall outcome (thus far) may have failings, it is not the fault of the many talented artisans and creatives employed, and I do not want it to come across as though I am discounting the very good work those folks have done.

Secondly, I feel as though it worthy to mention the dreaded society-as-a-whole aspect of my discomfort. Growing up as a neurodivergent child in the very early 2000s, being ‘ungrateful’ or showing discontent was not often a ticket into being deemed as ‘good’. It was far more often the kind of behavior that landed you on the road to being labeled as ‘difficult’.

With so much of how things ‘worked’ for others being an absolute mystery to me, it’s really no wonder that I, along with many others (especially those who are also neurodivergent and/or AFAB), learned that we should limit our ‘negative’ expressions. That if we do express them, we must be perfectly eloquent, calm, and poised in order to be taken seriously and receive any semblance of the benefit of the doubt.

While a calm, well-thought portrayal of one’s feelings may be generally accepted as good conduct and, obviously, usually the best way to keep the neutral attention of those listening to you, it is of course the expectation, particularly for those raised and socialized as girls/women that are expected, even in distressing circumstances or obviously valid emotional turmoil, to act quietly and calmly in order to be listened to. So the difference of course lies, like with all things, in the context of any given situation.

This quite obviously is touching on the subject of misogyny overall, but as that is both widely discussed and I assume, generally understood by those who’d click on this post, I do not feel the need to delve into that particular wormy can – other than pointing out the intersection of being unaware and unable to control who exactly will view what you post online – especially an algorithm-based site where one may not even have to be looking for your particular posts.

Thirdly, and the one I feel most interested to discuss here, is the general attitude online – where of course, I intend to eventually post what I have been pre-filming.

I stumbled across a video on YouTube titled “booktok, brainrot, and why it’s okay to be a hater” by alisha not alihsha and it really kickstarted some thoughts I’ve been having for a while, but before we breakdown some of my thoughts here, I also want to mention @/ briana.glynn on TikTok (also @/ briaiswriting on Insta, Threads, and Storygraph).

While I cannot find the first post I saw by them, I remember fondly the way it made me feel – relief. A weight off my shoulders. To read from the page of someone who states their perceptions and opinions as they are: a byproduct of human existence. All well-written and concise – from a point of effort and not obligation (re: the above tangent on societal expectations). The feeling it invoked in me was the starting point of this blogpost in some sense.

Some may feel as though this is a silly topic; but I could not personally disagree more. Media and the arts as a whole have always been humanity’s main though line to self-expression. Art itself can help us understand the world around us, ourselves, and the people who may surround us. Whether by what society may call more ‘innocent’ means, or as an act of rebellion and revolution. The whole of human experience can be witnessed if one had enough time to view all we have made.

Which is precisely why the growing trend of attacking those with opposing opinions is so glaringly concerning. There would be little point in trying to psychoanalyze the root or overall cause of these behaviors within this blogpost, but I know for me, upon self-reflection after my pre-filmed episodes, it is fear.

Fear of being attacked.

Fear of being different.

The internet has allowed people to find those who share similar ideals, ideas, and ways of life (for better or worse), and with that, I think we’re seeing the natural rise to cling onto that initial sense of belonging. From the hyper-specific aesthetics and ‘core’’s, to the echo that might just be ringing in all out ears:

“Why can’t you just let people enjoy things?!”

Tiffany Ferg, along with many others like Mina Le have discussed the topic in their own video essays on the concept of ‘the rising lack of media literacy’.

It would be surprising if anyone with their head up the internet’s ass didn’t know what I meant when I mention ‘the bean soup of it all’.

So where am I going with this, and what do I think it all means?

               In short: I think we’ve created a reactionary, bad-faith, negative feedback loop of assumptions, instead of taking time to think and process what exactly we – meaning internet users as a whole – are consuming, and what is being said.

               To be more elaborative:

The looming presence of cancellation, and the very human fear of being disliked.

I know at this point, most of us are tired of hearing about ‘cancel culture’ (myself included), as well as increasingly aware of it’s overall ineffectiveness as a tool for education and growth. But that weight of being shunned or shamed by online (and sometimes IRL) society can create fear even for those who would never fall into the ‘cancelation’ parameters. To be human is to make mistakes. To learn. It is through our failings and our experiences that we broaden our perspectives and grow throughout our lives – but with something like cancel culture, the threat of being denied growth looms overhead.

And the folly of being human, is that we are bound to royally fuck up at least once in our lives – probably more than once. Perhaps enough times we become unable to keep count. But being uneducated is not a crime; it is the lack of willingness to learn when the opportunity is available, after a gap in one’s knowledge is presented to them by the appropriate parties, that can be the true tell of things.

This is not, of course, to say that it is not sometimes justified to remove the public support of someone voicing harmful opinions out into the world, particularly when they have a wide influence. But rather - well, let me borrow one of my father’s favorite phrases:

“It is not what you do, but the intensity at which you do it.”

Which is really the hard pill of it all, isn’t it? Its not that the show or removal of support is wrong, its that the intensity at which it is often preformed (particularly towards the objectively less severe offences) that ends up removing the opportunity for growth and (genuine) lessons learned in the future of that individual’s life, and creates a vacuum of fear in which we all begin to operate from – some weird sort of digital fight-or-flight.

And one might consider that if any particular individual is educated enough, and eloquent enough, they need not worry. And while to a certain extent that is definitely true, we are unable to know everything. To lack controversial opinions or ‘hot-takes’ is to limit ourselves to a stagnant loop of whatever that culture was when opinions started to be viewed moreso as attacks.

But again – context is important. One (such as me, rn) might say that: Understanding nuance, and that to be human is to contradict oneself, is one of the cornerstones of healthy communication.

If someone is sharing an opinion that is harmful, objectively false/uneducated, and/or targets a marginalized group who are literally only asking to be allowed to live their lives in peace (one may think of JK Rowling and her ‘manifesto’ of sorts as a prime example here), then that is a valid point to condemn one’s actions!

However, someone expressing their personal dislike of a piece of media, is not necessarily an attack on your tastes or you enjoying that thing. Even if the reasons they proport as to why they dislike it are objectively ‘bad’ (in the sense of lacking some fundamental understanding of the media they are consuming) in the end, it does not matter. They are allowed to feel as they will, and if they are a person who has a fundamental misunderstanding of the work, we cannot force them to want to learn. We cannot spam-comment the will to understand into them.

And sometimes, quite often, it is not so much a lack of understanding for the material, but a different set of life experiences that cause someone to process and view things differently than you. And that is not something that you can take away from someone, or ‘teach’ them to view differently.

If they would like to have an open dialogue, and invite you to share your perception with them – well, to a media nerd like me, that just sounds like good fandom fun! But to react to someone’s perception by stating your perception as fact, is a great way to “Um, actually” your way into Honorary Mansplainer, and grade-A dick, because by doing that, you paint their experience with something as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ simply for being different than yours!

Other people’s view points may hurt to hear as you come across them, they may even make you question how you feel about a particular piece of media, or events you’ve experienced IRL, and that can be very uncomfortable in certain circumstances! But it is not, in these cases, a personal attack. Though, I can certainly understand that it may feel like one.

A good example of this would be the character Spike from the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (skip this brief section (jump to the *) if you would like to avoid spoilers or mentions of SA) If I say “the bathroom scene” Buffy fans all around will cringe at the mention of it. And within minutes there will be a group of people who turn off the chat, another who discuss it calmly, and a third who quickly devolve into throwing terrible accusations at each other.

The long and short of it is, after an abusive situationship fraught with contradicting yes’s and no’s, abysmal lack of communication, and a lot of rough, depression-and-trauma-fueled sex, there comes a point where we have… The Bathroom Scene. The scene where Spike doesn’t understand that Buffy actually means “No” this time. So, during a couple of manic, painful-to-watch minutes, he pulls at her clothes, doesn’t (or refuses to hear) that her “No”’s are genuine, and Buffy responds by using her super strength to kick him off and across the bathroom. At which point Spike reaches a moment of clarity, free from his manic sort of attitude he was in, and freaks the fuck out realizing what he almost did to her – because he didn’t intend, well, that. To rape her was never his intention. She tells him to leave, and this time he does.

He spends the next couple episodes, absolutely losing his mind over what he almost did. Having to reevaluate what kind of a person he really is, and how he reached this point. And he ends up leaving, going across the world to complete deadly trials to win back his soul so that he will never be the sort of man who would come close to anything like that again. Because – oh yeah, during this whole above sections he’s a soulless demon (vampire).

So. How does this relate? Even if you’re not in the fandom, I bet you can guess.

There are some people who find Spike to be forever irredeemable, that his character is retroactively and in future, forever ruined. They cannot forgive him, and never will. There are some that will only forgive him because he (post-S6) has a soul. Some that will forgive him because Buffy (the injured party) does (I personally fall into this camp, if you were curious). And those whose opinions are unaffected by that plot point entirely, often stating that ‘it’s fiction, and therefore characters simply have to be interesting to watch in order for them to like said character’. The thing is, NONE of these opinions are wrong. They are opinions. Not stated facts. While these might be able to tell someone a bit what someone may be like as a person, or how their brain works, it cannot tell you whether that person themselves is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. That’s just not how that works.

*However, someone saying something rude about the people who like certain books/authors (one may think of Coleen Hoover and BookTok) is where things may become more murky, and the importance of analysis becomes even more vital.

At this point, the conversation has moved away from the realm of a perception on a fictional person, and gone towards a judgement of a group of people. Not inherently evil, in the case of this Colleen Hoover example, but not always pleasant either.

The truth is, it’s a hard fact of life that not everyone is going to like you or agree with you.

That is part of what makes life and our world so interesting. There is something and someone for everyone. If someone attacks you personally, or tells you to your face (or your comment section, or DMs) that they think you’re terrible because you like XYZ (Twilight, Colleen Hoover, etc), that’s obviously ridiculous and cruel, seemingly just for the sake of it. You’re not hurting anyone by liking those things, and you are allowed to enjoy things!

The difference is, when someone points out issues with a piece of media, say for example, grammatical errors, toxic behaviors, being marketed confusingly (cutesy innocent-looking cartoon covers children are oft drawn to on smut books, for example – I think the most common I’ve seen of the book cover issue is called Ice Breaker?), etc. that is their opinion, whether you like it or not, they are simply sharing what they think. They are not actually trying to stop you from enjoying things.

There seems to be this common perception nowadays that to criticize is to say: ‘Thing bad. Thing irredeemable. Thing so horrendous that if you like thing, you are a terrible person with terrible taste by proxy and you should feel shame.’

Because of the space so many people are operating from, because so much of the algorithm’s job is making sure you’re hearing people who you agree with day in and day out, we get a warped sense of what is ‘right’ or ‘true’. It’s why people can be so easily radicalized online to either end of the political spectrum. And those, particularly on the far right, use fear of the ‘other’ to keep people in line and create a warped sense of solidarity among members of that party.

And odd microcosm of that is occurring online right before us. Everything too different scares us. We see so many horrors on our screens everyday that of course we react to even ‘harmless’ other-ness (like opinions on media) with fear and harsh bad-faith reactions. We are exposed to a world of two groups: “The people who are like me, and the people who are wrong” obviously, this is a more extreme phrasing, but all of this plays into what we see online.

If you question something, then you must be part of the ‘other’ trying to hurt the cause. If you criticize something, then you ‘clearly don’t like it as much as real stans’. If you voice an unpopular opinion or hot-take that isn’t witty enough, and is just honest and phrased how the average person speaks, then you’re just a killjoy who’s trying to have fun by making everyone else feel bad about what they like.

It's like how people would get in actual screaming matches over the internet because one person liked pineapple on pizza, or did their milk & cereal in the ‘wrong order’.

We are weird, little, feral, goblin-y animals! We are supposed to be weird! And different! It is all okay as long as your opinion is not actually hurting someone! (looking at you, JKR). We are not meant to be ‘normal’! We are not robots! We do not have a set program that makes us do the same and think the same! Aggie Cromwell in Halloween Town said “Being normal is vastly overrated!” and she’s right! Normal doesn’t exist! Commonalities do! Structure does! Innovation does not happen without growth! Growth does not happen without change! And change does not happen when you’re trying so hard to be someone else’s idea of ‘good’!!!

IT IS OKAY IF SOMEONE ELSE’S OPINION IS DIFFERENT THAN YOURS!

EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU SAD OR HURTS YOUR FEELINGS THAT PEOPLE CAN’T LOVE ‘XYZ’ LIKE YOU DO!!!

YOU ARE STILL ALLOWED TO LIKE THE ‘BAD’ BOOK/MOVIE/GAME!!!

2. The perceptions of society, and how assumptions sting.

During my first year of university classes, I decided to take a film studies course. As the stereotype goes, I was the only AFAB person in the class, but I liked my professor and valued his opinions; and I’ve never been one to shy away from my passions. So little 16/17-year-old-me got ready for a whole term talking about movies (I went to Uni early). We watched a few of the first films ever made. Some of the classics like Casablanca. We did a whole section on Groundhogs Day. And through it all, I raised my hand, I talked, and I was listened to. Eventually, even the oldest guys in the class started looking more attentive when I talked. I thought I was being heard, and I thought my opinions were valued like the other people in the class.

So one day, after a lecture that made it relevant to bring up, I went to my professor and recommended him Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as it carried a lot of the themes he was particularly interested by, and paved the way for a lot of what we see today in modern TV. He kind of laughed and rolled his eyes, and I was taken aback. I told him that “Oh, yeah. I know it has a silly title, but they actually teach university courses on the series! The first season is a bit heavy on cheesiness, but by the middle of the second season it really becomes something unforgettable.” And he kind of shrugged me off. But he was older, and he’d just gotten finished teaching a long class, so I decided to let it go for the day. I’d already recommended it to my friend in the class (we’ll call him Steve), and he said he’d been enjoying it, so my hyperfixation was satisfied.

But, I’m me, so a few days later I emailed my professor about it (he’d been taken recommendations from other students, btw) I carefully wrote out a few, concise points, and even included Why You Should Watch Buffy from Passion of the Nerd on YouTube (10/10 recommend Ian’s channel btw!). I never received an email back. Which was not typical of this professor.

So a few days later, I went up to him after class and asked if he got my email, and he laughed at me, and said that he was, basically, trying to be nice before, but he was never going to watch something made for ‘teenage girls’.

               It might sound dramatic, but from someone I respected, it felt like a slap in the face.

And so I told Steve about what our Professor said, looking for comfort from a friend, expecting him to tell me that that was harsh, and rude. Instead, Steve laughed at me, and said

“Wait, you actually like it? I thought you just wanted me to watch it because the main girl looks like you.” (Nevermind that I still cannot understand why a character looking like me would be grounds for recommendation???? Perhaps if I was a raging narcissist? I really don’t know –) but he’d told me he’d been watching it, so I pressed further.

“You – but you said you liked it. So why would you think that? Why would you think that was the reason even if you didn’t like it?”

My face felt hot as I spoke to him, and I was flooded with a sense of humiliated shock. I’d honestly never experienced something like this before, I’d only seen it in movies. The sheer level of disrespect and dismissal because of my age and gender was almost comical.

I don’t remember exactly what Steve said after that. Just that it boiled down to that he liked me – as more than a friend. Which really meant he was attracted to me physically, since he clearly didn’t know much about me after almost six months of being ‘friends’.

I felt humiliated as the realization came crashing down that everyone in that class was humoring me. That to them I was just a ‘silly teenage girl’ with ‘silly teenage girl interests’ and that they would never see me differently. Even if my insights were interesting. Even if sometimes I said what the other students were thinking before they could articulate it. None of that mattered to them.

I didn’t respect any of them beyond the basic ‘you’re-a-living-person-too’ level after that.

But I kept going to class to get the grade. I kept going and talking and sharing what I thought even if none of them cared. I would not be anyone other than myself just because they couldn’t see what I had to offer. (I'm still very proud of my younger self for that :3)

I say all this to illustrate the point here:

Sometimes people will be cruel to you from a place of ignorance, social conditioning, or any number of things that have nothing to do with your personally.

Even if people try to discount you, that doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. Not if they don’t have anything but insults to say.

You don’t need someone else to validate you or see your worth for you to be right.

The things you think, and your existence as a whole are enough. Just by virtue of you existing in this moment. Just by you staying true to yourself and not treating others poorly.

That you are allowed to change your mind about things, about people.

And,

You cannot change the minds of people who are unwilling to listen. Who are unwilling to learn.

By understanding the difference between ignorance and volume, between criticism and bullying, and between stated-as-a-fact and stated-as-an-opinion, we can learn so much, from so many brilliant people.

And it’s hard when other people are not in that headspace. And the fear and pre-experience exhaustion of having to deal with people who either want to be in, or are stuck in a knee-jerk reactionary space, well, it can cause you to do things like apologizing in your ATLA live action reaction videos for having ‘negative’ opinions.

Yes, that was a self-directed face-palm. Thank you.

But it is hard. It’s hard to navigate the world, IRL and online. And its easy to get stuck in the other extreme with this topic as well (not just reserved for politics) where you can fall into the ego-trap of starting to think you’re better than someone because you’re educated (to whatever degree, from whatever source) and they’re just ‘not even trying *pitying scoff*’.

Beware the pitfalls, my friends.

We’re all surprised that quicksand wasn’t more of an issue in our day-to-day adult life, but it turns out the real quicksand is the fucking ping pong tournament between self-flagellations and an ego trip, trying not to let yourself get more than waist deep in either pit, back and forth. If you’re lucky, you can stay in that solid, middle ground between the two, but for most of us, that’s hard. It’s work. It’s check-ins.

And you can never be perfect. (sorry, it’s true ☹)

None of this is internet-bashing either. There is so much good to be found online. But the internet is a reflection of people, which means some of it is lovely, some of it is cruel, and some of it is somewhere in between.

I have SO MUCH more I could say on this, especially in regards to the attacks against Hazbin Hotel fans (as well as the in-fandom ‘Valentino of it all’ discourse), Arcane and the Sexuality Policing that goes on, etc. But I think that’s best served for another piece of writing since that will be even more heavily colored by my own perceptions and opinions.

Regardless, I’d like to sum up my thoughts by saying that I think we all need to become more comfortable with hating things without that morphing into attacking, and with working on becoming more comfortable with seeing other people express hatred for things that we love when it’s not an attack. I’m no fucking saint, I get so wounded – deeply, personally, viscerally – when I see people hate the shows or characters that I love. When I feel like things or themes are being misrepresented or misinterpreted. It makes me want to stand up on a soap box and give 30,000 Ted Talks on why Thing Is Actually So Good, Please See It Like I Do.

But the block/’not interested’ buttons are a godsend. If someone is upsetting you or you just get ~ookie vibes~, BLOCK THEM! For no reason even! Protect your peace, but try to allow yourself to absorb alternative opinions when you have the spoons! We all have to be in the real world, so if you want your internet time to be 100% watching people build sandcastles on the beach with ocean wave ASMR, then curate that, Pookies! Ignore everything else! The internet is an endless sandbox we all get to play in, find the part of it you like, and go visit others if you feel so inclined, just don’t kick over their stuff because their shovel is a color you don’t like XD

Even with all of that, there’s probably three times as much that I forgot to say, but this is good enough for now, I might add more later, and I might write about the aforementioned Hazbin and Arcane stuff I’ve seen around, but I’m sleepy so that’s very much a maybe later thing haha

TLDR: Be nice to each other! Please! We’re all little freaks, find your niche and thrive my loves XD

[marengogo]

QUICKIE - 2: Watchu Want Me To Say Tho?!...

Listening to INDIGO by RM on repeat. STILL. YES. I KNOW.

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

I know, I know, I know .. I have blogs to complete, comments to reply and asks waiting for me to answer; I know. There are reasons for the lack thereof, of course, but today, today I will not stay here and bore you with My Lifes’ Whys, I’m currently feeling a heavy wave of sadness, which I am starting to finally recognise as a sign that my period is looming. Used to only have pain, but now I’ve evolved to heave-ass sadness ungracefully tiptoeing its way into depression, which given some personal stuff and very recent Tannie Jin specifically stuff, couldn’t have come at a worse time. But I digress, as I said, today I shall not share negative stuff.

Instead, I’d like to share a cute/funny/peculiar thing that I realised/noticed Jikook do from time to time when they start something with each other and one of them proceeds to perhaps take it a bit too far until the other is left in a situation where they are like: “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” NGL, most of it is usually JM, but JK has his fair share;source: Trust Me Bro. As this is a “quickie” I’ll bring up 3 examples for each. Let’s start with JM.

#1 … IT’S JUST A GAME THO.

Time & Place: RUN BTS 15 - Aired March 14, 2017.

This was the second episode of “The Spy Who Returned” 3 parts RUN BTS episodes. At the very beginning of the episode, they are playing a “tolerance” game where they are divided into couples and each has to say something that they don’t like or that bothered them about the other and the other has to not be offended and “sincerely” state that they “understand/I see”. The couples were: Tae & Namjoon, JM & Jin and JK and Hobi (Yoongi was the host).

JK & Hobi went last and though JK had nothing to say, Hobi did, lots to say in fact 😂, which in itself would have been enough but JM, out of nowhere, had the not-so-brilliant impulse to get up in there, uncalled, to question JK about a mysterious toothbrush. JK is clearly taken-aback like all of us watching I am sure given that he and JM are in the same team. Yet JM doesn’t stop, he clearly wants to hear something from JK in regards to … the toothbrush. JK does reply, and says that the toothbrush wasn’t his and JM stands there speechless, seemingly not expecting that answer … oh the confusion of it all! …  which is why JK’s “it wasn’t me” actually really felt to me more like a: “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” .

This to me in “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …”-vibe is very close to the “JK hugs me when he sleeps” moment which happened at the Sinchon Fansign - May 15, 2015.

#2 SO MUCH FOR PRESENTS …

Time & Place: FESTA 2017 - Aired June 12, 2017.

We’ve actually already discussed this in a different previous post. This was one of the few times where JK wasn’t able to even try and reply to something. If it were me, and we were just friends, you’d have to wait for me to gift you something on your next birthday: YES I’M PETTY. Yet, homeboi pulled up that same year with a trip to Tokyo as a gift, so obviously the problem wasn’t the question itself. What was the problem? We will most likely never know, but in that very moment JK’s silence was definitely a: “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” silence.

#3 SO YOU GETTING MARRIED UH?

Time & Place: WEVERSE LIVE in Busan - October 15, 2022.

This is one of my recent personal favs, because as opposed to the Jikook VLIVE - June 21, 2020, which also had to do with a marriage related question, this time around JK tried his very best to not divert the convo and hold his own. Yeah, he really did … but JM was not having it. He really wasn’t. How many of you have said “Yoongi Marry Me” for fun? How many of them have said “Yoongi Marry Me” for fun, including JM? At times even changing the Subject all in good fun.

This time around, JK simply mentioned that saw “Jungkook Marry Me” and all hell broke loose. Yeah, for some reason, JM wasn’t having it, and so began a little back-and-forth between the two at the end of which JM accepted that in summary JK “just saw the sign and meant to take no action”. JM smiled/laughed, got up and got out of frame. JK also smiled, watching JM leave, with a: “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” giggle, like I don’t even know what just happened tho! aaand he proceeded to wait for him to get back like:

Jiminah … 😬.

And now it’s JK’s turn. Differently from JM this young man is a tad more determined in getting his answers and JM indulges, for the most part, in fact I’ve noticed that he’s never just kept silent, but don’t let it fool you, cause at times, whatever answer he provides wasn’t the answer JK was looking for; lest we forget that JM is indeed the HYUNG … but yeah, let’s get it!

#1 SOMETHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE …

Time & Place: JinJiKook VLIVE in Osaka - December 15, 2016.

Jin and Jimin decide to have a candy-centric episode of EatJin, and Jimin seems to be a bit on his mischievous streak right from the bat, but Jin, being the outstanding eldest hyung that he is doesn’t seem to mind at all and cutely goes along with his playful dongsaeng. All is well thus far until the bell rings and, you’ve guessed, it is JK.

By this point Jin, like all of us, is still very much oblivious to any argument/quarrel which might have happened between JM and JK, one may even dare say that frankly my dears, he didn’t give a damn! But JM had damns to give and so he did, testing JK on the other side of Jin’s closed hotel room. Jin is now starting to get confused and to this point, JM has full control of the whole situation, until JK whips out his cellphone. 

Quite clearly JM didn’t take JK seriously, at first, he even egged him to post “whatever questionable pic” JK thought he had but that was Jin’s danger-alert-signal moment: no questionable pic was going to be uploaded on his watch and that’s how the doors were finally opened to the maknae. So, once JK got his way into the room, Jin, and us watching, clearly could sense something going on, but as for what exactly, nobody had a good clue. Like anything else revolving around Jikook afterall, for example, we may know that they once fought and JK ended up crying in the rain (FESTA 2020 - Aired June 12, 2020), but as to what caused the argument? … 🤷🏾‍♀️.

JM at this point is still trying to have it his way don’t ask me why, how would I know?! But JK was high on courage that day and ever so casually, the moment JM tried to leave the room, he once again whipped out his phone, pulled up a particular pic which we got to see later as JK did momentarily uploaded and it seemed he had something like a hickey on his neck and simply said “I took a good selfie” and JM quickly sat back down and replied “I won’t go then, all right” in a very: “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” resigned manner. Then again, if the selfie was just that, a good selfie, JM could have easily said “sure, go ahead and show them”, but that’s not what happened right? 

#2 STILL, YOU TURNED IT OFF 

Time & Place: Jungkook (eventually TaeJiJinKook) VLIVE in New Jersey - May 19, 2019.

Yet again, Jin and Jimin were up to their shenanigans with our maknae, who just wanted to show his face to ARMY. That’s all he wanted but the other two ended the stream. So what does one do? If you are a JM you post a quick apology video on twitter, but if you are a JK you start your own stream: obviously. 

This stream is supposed to be just you doing exactly what you wanted to do to begin with, show your face to ARMY, but then … all of a sudden there is a cough in the background and the plan folds when do plans every work anyways?!, immaright?.

Hence starts a whole convo summarising what just happened in Jin’s room leading up to JK’s “cutting off” during which not only does JM explain himself, he also apologises and lets JK once again know that he loves him. Yet, JK still stresses that, he just👏🏾 can’t 👏🏾let👏🏾 it 👏🏾go👏🏾 at which point JM decides that it is time for him to leave in a very: “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” fashion, more like “what else do you want me to say?!”. 

#3 I SEE HOW IT IS …

Time & Place: FESTA 2022 - June 14, 2022.

Emotions are running high, slightly tipsy, but still hella high as the boys start getting us ready to momentarily part from them. Within all of this there is a lot, A LOT, of banter there are even first official talk of a PJM1 and everyone was hella excited, ARMY and TANNIES alike except for a certain JK who playfully made it known that he didn’t appreciate not knowing about progress in said PJM1, not once, not twice, not thrice, but 4 times (didn’t put the 4th time in the pic because, you know, aesthetics 😌).

JM does try to explain that he’d told everyone that they were all more than welcome to go and listen to him working if they wanted though apparently JK wanted his hyung to go to him instead, but that is a different story … in addition, when Namjoon pointed out that Hobi will always be the first for JM, both JM and Hobi quickly worked together to deny the “accusations” but at this point I think JK was very much speeding on the “I AM UPSET”-train, so much so that none of it seemed to matter and he very much and very blatantly ended up telling JM:

At which JM did reply, quickly, shyly and all the colors in between, that “I am sorry” but in a very: I mean “Whatchu Want Me To Say Tho?! …” way, and who knows, were the cameras not on he might have had more to add, but, we’ll never know!

There are actually many more moments I can think of, and much funny at that, but this was supposed to be a quickie, and I can see that it ain’t damn … So let me just leave you all with this, go make myself productive, and not stress about life for a second or two. Hope you all have a great week, okay? Okay! 

Always respectfully yours 🫰🏾💗 pink heart in honour of Jin,

Marengo.

[vyuntspakhkite-l-darling]

🍓 and 🍒 for the ask game

>:3

🍓- What gave me inspiration to start Biting the Bullet was actually a feeling and advice from my therapist. I have a lot of fear around the concept of war and a general dislike of military recruiting methods. I live in a very military area, and when all of the current world conflicts started, my paranoia only got worse (detrimentally so). I also noticed an increase of military recruiters coming to my high school and giving kids candy and playing cornhole in the hall and it really just made me upset that they were using such innocent looking things to attract children to the military. I talked to my therapist, and since she knew I often expressed myself and my feelings through stories, she suggested I write about it. Then came the characters, then the plot, etc.. I’d already pretty much built up the world that this story takes place in.

🍒- This one’s a little difficult (mostly because I haven’t talked about most of my OCs here yet), but I’ll just briefly explain them :3 So I didn’t really realize this until just now thinking about it, but I’ve now created two child characters that had to leave behind their homes and are taken in by reluctant fathers. One is (currently, I’ll probably change this at some point) Aeryn, he’s from a different story that I’m not really going to talk about for a while, but he basically flees his country with his younger sibling and ends up on the doorstep of a rich... entertainer… that is like ‘well I’d feel guilty tossing them out and I have extra money and a ton of space in my house so yeah sure you can crash here until we find a more permanent solution’ and then they never find a permanent solution. Estera has an adjacent situation- I won’t reveal too much for the sake of spoilers/I can’t do the situation justice right now but pretty much the place she’s staying gets destroyed, Arsioly and Visralion happen across her, Visralion convinces Arsioly to let her come back to camp, and they end up (informally) adopting her.

[uniquevoidflowers]

A couple and their family

Time's POV

I have had a rough life, all sorts of traumatic events making my every decision difficult to make. I am so grateful I am no longer alone though. When I met Malon it was like she had given my grey, miserable world colour. Malon had been able to gently break through my tough barriers and stoic facade. She was and still is mending the wounds in my heart.

Now, we have been married for 8 years and I can recall what joyous day the wedding had been. From even before the wedding to the present, Malon and I have a had a lovely relationship, content with our current living situation. Of course there had been discussion of wanting children to expand their family, Malon especially loving that idea. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted that, after all, I’ve heard of the things that could potentially happen.

Some are positive and some are negative. Instead of disappointing my wife too much, I suggested getting a pet to get a feel for parenting. Malon agreed and shooed me away, since she was allergic to cats and therefore couldn’t enter the pet shop. I found myself driving to the nearest pet shelter, listening to country music and humming along. I then arrived at the pet shelter and swung open the door.

“Welcome to Hyrule’s Pet Shelter! How may I help you today?” A saleswoman greeted me, with a signature smile.

“I’m looking for a dog, perhaps one that really needs a home.” I answered, not bothering to return the smile.

“Of course! Any sort of behavioural things you wouldn’t want in a dog?” The saleswoman asked, maintaining her smile.

I thought for a moment before replying with, “I would prefer a dog that is potty trained. But other than that, I really don’t mind.”

I was confident Malon would say something similar. “Alright. I’ll take you to come meet our most recent puppy Wolfie. He was found wondering the streets and didn’t belong to anyone, or at least nobody rose to claim him. He isn’t particularly social and fought viciously against us but for some unknown reasons he is gentle with children. We haven’t been able to figure out what breed the puppy is, he actually more resembles a wolf pup but his behaviour is entirely different. Which is why everyone has taken to calling him Wolfie. He was surprisingly potty trained when we took him in, so we have a guess that he was abandoned. Poor thing.” The saleswoman explained, walking.

I followed her. My heart ached a little at the thought of abandoning a pet. My thoughts led to this Wolfie. If he was gentle with the young ones, perhaps there was a chance I could train him to be kind towards older people as well. I texted Malon, not entirely sure what to do.

Link: The woman here offered me a puppy named Wolfie, said he was found on the streets. He’s potty trained, aggressive but gentle to children. She doesn’t know the breed though.

Malon: Well, try meeting Wolfie first darling. According to what I’ve read, you must meet the dog first in order to know you’ve got the one you want.

Link: If you say so.

“We’re here. Hi, Wolfie.” The saleswoman waved.

I was greeted by a snarling puppy that looked exactly like a wolf. The puppy had dark, black fur with odd white markings imprinted on his snout. I noticed a shackle on his leg, that had the markings of the ancient Twili. Strange. Wolfie stopped snarling when he sniffed me, and relaxed. “Hello Wolfie.” I approached the puppy warily.

Wolfie barked happily and his tail wagged back and forth. “Looks like he’s drawn to you.” The saleswoman commented, grinning.

“Can I pet him?” I wondered gazing at the puppy’s cute eyes.

“I guess you can try.” The saleswoman shrugged.

I slowly reached my hand out to pet Wolfie but snatched my hand back once he started growling. “I’m not gonna hurt you. You’re okay.” I tried, hoping at least the soothing tone of my voice would allow some sort of touch.

Wolfie tilted his head as if to question what I had just said. “I’m not going to hurt you.” I repeated, firmly.

Wolfie relaxed a little and whined, glancing at the saleswoman. “That dog is strange. I’ll leave you two be.” The saleswoman smiled and left, seemingly oblivious to Wolfie’s turmoil.

The second that woman left, Wolfie completely calmed and nuzzled up against me. “Awwww, you’re a good boy aren’t ya?” I cooed.

I had to admit, this was pretty adorable. I reached out to try and pet Wolfie again and the dog allowed it. So I pulled out my phone while softly petting the puppy. I had feeling he was a keeper.

Link: Wolfie is drawn to me, and he’s adorable and quite intelligent. He was aggressive at first but as soon as the saleswomen left he was practically a new puppy.

Malon: Hm. I think you should get Wolfie then. By the way, I’ve set up the stuff for whatever dog you wind up choosing.

Link: My mind is made up, I am getting Wolfie. See you soon.

I carefully sat up and began to leave the room but Wolfie started whining and jumping up on me, begging me not to leave. “It’s okay, I’ll be back.” I reassured.

Wolfie must have some abandonment issues, I’d have to remember that for later. The puppy seemed to understand my words of reassurance and he sat down. “Greetings again, I would like to get Wolfie.” I approached the saleswoman once more.

“Wonderful. You’re fee is 135 rupees.” The saleswoman nodded.

I paid and then tried coax Wolfie into a carrier but my efforts were in vain. I scooped Wolfie up in my arms and I was prepared to be scratched or nibbled, but Wolfie just slumped in disappoint. Then eventually we drove back to the house where Malon awaited. “C’mon boy, come meet Malon.” I gestured for him to follow.

He did and I opened the door to see my wife there, gazing curiously at Wolfie. “Oh, my, Link! The puppy looks like a literal wolf!”

“I’m aware. Meet Wolfie, now is there anything this one can get into?” I searched the ground for any chewable things.

“I don’t think so. Why don’t you get him onto the couch?” Malon recommended.

“Are you sure?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Yes I’m sure. There’s a gate to the upstairs and the doors won’t budge.” Malon assured me.

So I scooped up Wolfie once more and set him on the couch, but the next thing that happened was shocking. Wolfie disappeared into thick black triangles, and when the black stuff was gone, a boy with the exact same markings appeared. “What in Hyrule City?!” Malon gasped.

“S-Sorry! Please don’t kick me out, I didn’t-I just wanted o-out of the shelter!” The boy panicked.

(There's more! Read the rest on AO3 ---> A couple and their family)

[smiledotdeer]

(( negative ))

Part of the reason I took a break from this blog was because I was getting annoyed at both myself and my dashboard for the general lack of interactions. For the most part, I was writing with the same small group of people, feeling like I was unable to reach out to anyone else because...anxiety’s a bitch, I guess.

It’s not an excuse. I know I could try harder. It’s just difficult, given the crap I’ve gone through on this website. So many times I HAVE reached out, made friends, and then had them drop me for “someone better”. Or, maybe worse yet, I’ve reached out and gotten nothing in response. I’ve TRIED being friends with other people, and they just don’t seem interested enough to even give me the time of day.

I guess that’s why I find it so hard to reach out and make first contact...but I also realize that a lot of OTHER people are in that exact same boat. I know they’re just as afraid or reaching out to me as I am of reaching out to them. So, at the end of the day, the majority of us are sitting here twiddling our thumbs hoping the other person will be the one to make the first move.

At the moment, I’m really struggling. Not just with this particular situation, but with things happening in real life. My current home situation most definitely isn’t great. The short of it is that there are too many people living together in too small a space and we keep lashing out at each other on a near daily basis because of it. We’re all depressed and worn down and defeated and it’s doing none of us any favors.

On top of that, only one of us is earning money, and that person may very well be fired soon. If that happens...well I’m probably not gonna HAVE a home anymore. Much less an internet connection. I am living with that “what if” dread in the back of my mind at all times, and I truly don’t know what to do about it.

I’m trying to find a remote online job, but I have no idea what I’m doing, and I don’t know who to turn to for help. I’ve tried working a normal job and my god I got so overwhelmed so damn fast that I had to quit. Some of my family has taken this to mean that I’m just lazy. I’m not. I’m just not mentally or emotionally capable of handling it.

Today I finally got in to see a therapist, and she got me on some new depression and anxiety medication. We’ll see if that helps over the next couple weeks. She also referred me to someone for getting screened to see if I have ADHD and/or ASD (autism spectrum disorder). We’ll see how that goes, too.

I’m just in a Not So Great place right now, and I know I’ve been failing others and myself for not reaching out, and I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to make anyone feel like I’m disinterested in interacting, or that I’m too scary to approach. I promise I’m interested, and I promise I’m not as scary as you might think.

I’m just...tired. And lonely. And tired of BEING lonely.

[roxanaagriche111]

Hi! Sooo you’ve all probably been wondering where I’ve been and why I have not been updating for some time. These are my reasons and why.

1. I’m working on my small business. Where I’m creating my items, getting the items, and actually putting them together. I’ve also been really busy trying to get all the necessary items for the stuff I’m making while also putting my 100% concentration on trying to make it pretty and well quality made. I want to give everyone the best quality items from my small business.

2. Work has also been causing a lot going on. For those who may not know, I am a waitress at a buffet close to me. We are low on staff even though there is some workers available. The problem is that they are AFK for certain reasons. As one worker has not been coming back to work for almost 2 years now because of a situation with a family member. Another is expecting a child very soon. While the last one is still in school. There is another, but they live somewhere else in another state, and isn’t there all the time. Of course, we do hire people but we’ve been having trouble with people staying as they quit after they didn’t like the job even though they worked 1-2 days. Our workplace isn’t complicated, but a lot doesn’t want to work now a days. Finding new employees is extremely difficult right now, even though we have a indeed ad and a help wanted sign out. (Though the help wanted sign was taken down due to a lot of people quitting or not showing up to work)

3. I’ve actually stopped writing somewhat. Not because I had no choice with my work or my small business on the way. But because I’ve been loosing interest in writing. I do still write and think of many plots in my head. But a lot is going on and I’m not sure when I can update. This doesn’t mean I will give my story up or give it to someone else. It’s just that I am too busy with stuff and that I would like to take my time.

My plans:

So far my plans are to continue working on the stuff for my small business and get through my work job in my daily life. While also going through some stuff in my personal life too. I am actually not sure when I will update, but I will say the next chapters for the current fanfics I already have AKA

“Gods in Twisted!”

And

“Forever Trapped”

Will be on hold for some time. Their next chapters are halfway written before I went on pause. I also need to find a time to work on redoing the links for those stories. However, I don’t know when I can get to that due to my current situation. I’ll try to hurry up, but making stuff for your shop and working at the same time takes a-lot of you’re time.

Anyways, I hope this helps in explaining why the fanfics hasn’t updated and why I’ve not updated much. Hope to see you guys later in another post or another fanfic update. Until then, I will see you next time!

BYE BYE!!

[umbralsound-xiv]

I will admit i was not, perhaps, thinking quite so straight in the wake of the explosion that had taken my apartment!

The first place i went was the company house. Mist would surely help me with my current living situation, but not finding her home, and this would be far too much to tell her in a letter - Not that i had anything to hand to write with, considering the damage.

...I thought then, perhaps Khatun Tsaivarod was home... It had been so long since i had seen her...!

...I should have, probably changed my clothes first.

Daidukul Kha knocks several times, an almost frantic rapping that was sure to garner the attention of any who lingered within. No voice calls out, strangely enough. He just waits. Outside. In awkward silence.

Tsaivarod Dazkar looks up from the simmering pan in front of her, sure she had heard something over the noise of the oil. She called out in a low, sing-song alto. "Door is open, darling, if you try the handle." Not knowing who it was, she nonetheless had the confidence in both herself and her housemate that nobody stupid enough to wish them ill within their own domicile would knock.

Daidukul Kha slowly, almost hesitantly pushes the door open. Daidukul is, decidedly, not dressed in anything even close to resembling his best. Ash clings to his hair, and even parts of his clothes are scorched and burned in places. A bright smile is given, which tugs anxiously at the edges. "Tsaivarod Khatun! It is a pleasure to see you on these shores, once again!" He beams, explaining nothing. "Apologies that it has been so long; but time does not halt the ceaseless march of anyone, least of all people as busy and occupied as we. How are you?"

Tsaivarod Dazkar beams broadly as she opens her mouth to respond, though her expression changed as she turned, something much sterner. Sharp, almost dangerous as a twinkle lit in her eye, giving just a hint of softness to her otherwise now-dour gaze. "A pleasure indeed, dear." She brandished the mixing spoon. "...more so, should you show any signs of having followed my most -specific- instructions to care well for yourself in my absence, hm?"

Daidukul Kha stares. The look and the spoon are enough to silence him, only the corner of his mouth twitching. Was that fear, he felt? The selfsame fear many men on the Steppe had felt in many tales he had heard, surely. "----I am fine! Physically. Mentally too! My things are... Ah... A little worse for wear. But i have no need of an infirmary or anything of the sort! Please, do not worry for me, Khatun!"

...I’ve never felt such fear from a kitchen utensil. Surely she wouldn’t mean to do anything, but she was most undoubtedly a little cross.

I have been taking care of myself! Of course i have!

...It isn’t like i had intended to blow up my apartment.

Tsaivarod Dazkar: "Fine?" She sets the spoon back in the pot and takes it off the heat, using her brief turn away from him to hide her mirthful smirk berfore she walked, nay, stalked over to where he was. "Then I suppose you would have me believe -this-..." she wraps one arm delicately about his waist to keep him close as a finger raised, swiping a stripe through the soot on his cheek, holding the finger towards him as if offering that he taste it. "...was but frosting, of some sort?" She managed, just, to hold her laughter just below the surface at his brief stumblings over words in her presence, enjoying this part of the game too much to give up her act just quite yet.

Daidukul Kha remains completely still as her finger drew down his cheek, brows knitted as the ashy colour was presented to him via fingertip. "It would make for a dreadful frosting for any cake. No, i... Ah..." He grimaces, remaining otherwise stark still. "...I... May have... Blown up my apartment...?"

Tsaivarod Dazkar furrowed her brow, taking a moment to size up the color of her fingertip. "Hm. Are you quite sure it would be so dreadful? I don't suppose you've..." She leaned in, feinting towards her fingertip before swiftly and smoothly pivoting, gently brushing her lips and just the barest hint of her tongue across his cheek. "...tasted it?" Her laughter finally got the better of her, bubbling up with a smile. "Well I am glad at the very least that all of your limbs arrived at the same time after such an event. But still dearie, you've a most strange concept about what need not be worried about."

Daidukul Kha: "Quite certain! I despair for my notes and my---!" He takes a sharp breath in and even goes as far as flinching to close his eyes as she neared, only opening one eye...And then the other as she moved back, exhaling quietly. "Tsaivarod Khatun, i mean no disrespect, but i do hunt Voidsent for a living! --- Well, part of a living. Mostly a hobby. But this is not the first time i have been close to being incinerated, and like as not, it will not be the last! My apartment, however, is beyond repair, and now i find myself without a ready place to live. Granted, it happened only a bell or so ago! I had visited the company house afore here, being in the same ward, with a hope to stay in the guest room, however Mist was not present for me to speak with... So i opted to visit here, knowing it had been much too long since i had spoken with you, if by chance you were home!"

Daidukul Kha: "...Though now thinking on it, i should have liked to dress a little better before visiting."

Tsaivarod Dazkar "I do recall your profession, yes, and shall we also both recall that you have said not to worry about certain events pertaining to it as well, regardless of the worry they have rightfully earned?" She gave him a wry smile, shaking her head. "With your luck darling, it's a wonder you remain any dressed at all after leveling an apartment." She sighed, stepping back to her stir fry, and moving another pot off the heat. "But goodness, boy, your whole apartment? What ever am I to do with you?” Laughter again twinkled amidst and followed her words as she got down a second bowl.

Daidukul Kha: "Well, perhaps do not worry so much. You have much more to occupy yourself with, and i am perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" He chirped, brushing his hair from his face; a plume of ash filtering through the dying light of the room. "..." A pause, as he watches, and pulls his gaze back. "---Well, the walls are in tact. And i saved my books and my clothes, but they are all clung with ash and soot. I am sure Mist will not mind me resting my head at the company for a few suns whilst i get back onto my feet..." He walks a little closer, gaze now tracing towards the pot. "...I had not mean to interrupt dinner, however."

It did, however, smell wonderful. I have, for the most part, gotten my urge to consume all manner of food somewhat under control, so long as i have a ready supply of ethers.

Tsaivarod Dazkar chuckled softly as she served, shaking her head once more. "If you think that I lose sleep fretting over your welfare dearie then it is you who worries too much. And as for whether you are capable of taking care of yourself there are certain... custom orifices I have witnessed you having installed that would, if they could, speak to differ." She handed him a bowl and gently hooked a finger in the nearest hem, tugging enough to pressure the garment, but letting him follow only should he wish. "And things wash, all the same. And company certainly need not be an interruption, particularly when it be as easy on the eyes as yourself." Her gaze drifted down and up the mess that was his state of dress. "...notwithstanding, of course."

Daidukul Kha takes the bowl without hesitation, gazing over his shoulder as she passed, and idly walking after her with little encouragement. "...I don't like those words in that order..." He quietly remarks, looking to the meal and changing the subject. "What did you cook? It smells delicious!"

Tsaivarod Dazkar shrugged. "Whatever was this side of stale upon my return, simmered in a milk sauce. Plenty of protein in the vegetable selection, so no meat this time." She led him towards the fireplace, to her preferred corner of the couch. "And there's little need to hear such words in that order, should you stop performing them. Sit."

Daidukul Kha: "I've eaten a good many things from a good many places. If it tastes half as delightful as it smells, it will be a fine meal indeed. Not that i have ever doubted your cooking. Regardless, you have my gratitude for the meal, even on such... Extremely short notice." He moves to sit, tucked into the corner. "---Well, it's not like i get wounded on purpose. And i have not been for some considerable time, now. And even then, that was only due to... External issues."

Tsaivarod Dazkar: "I should hope your wounds are mostly due to external issues, darling, should you ever be stabbed from internally you may not be able to pass it off as nothing to worry about." She nestled into his side. "I think you're likely to have had all that's in here. Mostly bamboo shoots, ginger... some lime and various starches."

Daidukul Kha: "---From forces not wholly under my control, is what i meant!" He speaks between bites, clearly pleased with the flavour. He watches as she nestles with a faint smile, but does not near her nor pull away. "I should cook for you in return, sometime. Though i will admit i am a little out of practise... Busy though i am, i find little time for cookery, especially when there are so many things to be had in so many corners of the realm made by people who can cook it far better than i, with far greater authenticity."

Tsaivarod Dazkar draped herself along Daidukul's side as she settled in to eat. "You should." It may have come off seeming like a directive, but there was something soft and encouraging under her tone. She took a few bites and watched the fire for a moment. "The greatest worry I have about you, dear, is hardly about your health. But perhaps... how single minded you can pursue things, hm? To the exclusion of other, equally enriching activities."

Daidukul Kha: "I persue the things i enjoy. Languages, surely enough... And Voidsent, of course. But there is a whole array that accompanies it. With languages and tutoring there is travel. Travel is culture, people, history, stories. I get to learn about those who i teach, and much more besides. Voidsent hunting is full of history, full of barely tapped subjects so deeply unknown. But even then... I do have other interests, yes? Unless, of course, you had suggestions!" He takes a few more bites of his meal.

Tsaivarod Dazkar finished another bite and rubbed her horn on his shirt. "Well, were I one prone to be filled with selfish mischief I would say this, right here. But as we both know I am not." She smiled up at him. "Perhaps cooking and medical care of oneself might make it onto that list, hm?"

Daidukul Kha slowly turns his gaze back towards her at the sensation of her horn. He flusters only an ilm, sinking into his shoulders as he gives no verbal response to her former words, only returning the smile faintly and responding to the latter. "Cookery for certain, should i have the occasion or time to cook. Medical care... I can. But it is... Difficult to heal myself, and exhausting to heal others. But should the necessity arise, i most certainly can."

Tsaivarod Dazkar set aside her bowl nearby, nodding as he spoke. "Medicine need not be magic. Even if it is simply... preparing further. Or having wound treatment prepared ahead of time, hm? Much easier to prepare the materials you would need before you might, say... be stabbed. Or incinerate a room."

Daidukul Kha: "...When i get around to furnishing my new apartment, i will surely set aside some space for medical supplies..." He trails, opting to give a small nod of agreement. "...And shelves. And a bigger wardrobe? And... I do not know, but i will think of a good many other things..."

Daidukul Kha: "...I do not find decorating easy. It is... not like clothes."

For all my travels, fashion has stayed with me somewhat, and the decor of any room i have resided in has fled. I find it difficult to keep to a consistant style of anything, and so often have i need for shelves or other various things that it often ends as a clutter of shelves with everyting to hand, and nothing organised.

Tsaivarod Dazkar rolled her eyes with a playful laugh, reaching up to trace her fingertips along his collarbone. "Oh please, Daidukul, if you thought that you could mention to me that you had burnt all your possessions and then not have to suffer my assistance in properly decorating, then perhaps I have been home for longer than I originally thought. How many cycles has it been now, hm? Four? Five?"

Daidukul Kha: "I have not incinerated -all- of them, just... Lots." A small smile, equally as bashful. His eyes briefly dart to her fingertips, and back; his food had vanished sometime in the midst of their conversation, as he collects their bowls and sets them aside. "...Your assistance is hardly -suffered-, Khatun. It is welcomed." He smiles, not quite knowing exactly what he might be letting himself in for. "...A little more than three, and a few moons more since i arrived in Eorzea. I made your  acquaintance sometime within the first cycle. In the spring, i think."

Tsaivarod Dazkar: "Hm..." She smiled, closing her eyes slowly. "Do you remember it so well, dear? I don't suppose you remember where it was, or what was done or said?" She smirked a little bit, an eye creeping open to watch his face.

Daidukul Kha: "...I do! I was taking a moment to relax in Camp Bronze Lake. You seemed to be enjoying the springs, and i was reading... Something." He glances back, catching her expression in puzzlement. "...I don't remember what i was reading."

Tsaivarod Dazkar: "Oh?" A brow raised, her tone amused. "It is not terribly like you to be unable to recall a detail such as that." Her fingers played a merry path along the front of his chest, dragging here, walking there. "Perhaps the material was simply... not up to par with your usual fare?"

Daidukul Kha: "...I met you. People are far more interesting than papers, and you are... More interesting than most. I mean this with all kindness, of course." His eyes move to her hand again, watching with confusion, not that he inquired further on what she was doing, nor why.

Tsaivarod Dazkar ceased the wandering of her fingers at the same moment that her eyes locked to his. "Hmm... I suppose so. You may consider your flattery to not have been idle in this case." She winked. "...and to think since then I've not recieved another back rub quite like the one you gave then. I don't think such timid digits have ever been so effectively applied."

Daidukul Kha: "---Timid? I---" He pulls his lips to a line, and glances away, hiding his face by gazing to the fire. "...You need only ask, Khatun, if this is what you wish. I would have thought you had no end of offers for such things, rather than asking me."

Daidukul Kha: "Not... That i mind."

I mind not for such things. Comforts to be found in the company of another... To an extent.

I have limits, which are far shorter and narrower than most who do not know me may expect.

...And even for those who do know me.

Tsaivarod Dazkar giggles, her tail flicking back and forth. "I imply no fault at all dear, none at all." Her laughter petered into a wistful sigh as she reminisced. "You know, Daidukul, none other alive has so quickly been presented the opportunity to gaze upon such a perfect pair of breasts as mine... and then chosen to try his hardest not to." The laughter bubbled back into her speech again as she continued. "...why, I remember in the moment almost being offended before I saw the heat in your cheeks."

Daidukul Kha: "I... Did not wish to be so... Invasive. I am not distressed by nudity, Tsaivarod." It was rare he used her name without epithet, and the notion of doing so brings him some hesitation as he catches his words. "...But it often has intent behind it...." Rarer still do his words trace into silence, half turning his head to look back at her, but still looking to the flames before him as he swallowed the crawling lump that lingered in the back of his throat.

Daidukul Kha: "Not... Not that yours did. It might have. I... I don't know. It---"

Daidukul Kha simply gives a long, uneasy sigh that simmers quietly in the air with the uncertainty it held.

Tsaivarod Dazkar raised a finger gently to his lips to press against them, forestalling further comment, and her voice softened. "Daidukul darling, should you not have the words there is no need to try so hard to find any, I do not mind for silence." She turned, rubbing her horn once more against him. "And to tell the truth, dearie, back then when we first met, I did carry such intent, or at least seek to show that I offered such." A genuine, soft smile graced her features. "...but I do think that, had you reciprocated, perhaps we would not have spoken again, let alone become..." She trailed off. "It was just that about you, that you did not wish to desire in that moment, that kept you from being just another fun, singular night in my memory."

Daidukul Kha meets his gaze with her own as her fingertip settled on his lips, listening to her words as she spoke. Only after she is done speaking, and spending a long moment in such offered silence, does he give a response. "...I am only glad you did not take offense to it. Despite any reputation you might carry, it saddens me some, that it is not your kindness and understanding they speak of first." His brow, however, does not cease it's furrow. Slowly, he tilts his head in her direction; his horn softly connecting with her own. "...I had considered such things when i was younger if only to stop everyone talking... Even if i know it would have made me miseriable."

Daidukul Kha: "...But my sense of self and fear won out, and i didn't."

...It shamed me some. To think of myself like that. Had i just accepted and laid with another, then perhaps people would not be so inquisitive about seeking it with me.

But in the moment, i know i would have detested it. It would have given rise to other words, less kinder ones than curiosity.

...But now, the fear of even the idea of it is so great that it causes me to give distance when i would much rather not...

Daidukul Kha: "...Tsaivarod. No one else -knows-."

Tsaivarod Dazkar forestalled him again with a gentle finger and gentler still shushing. "Shhhhhh... not something that needs to be in the forefront of your mind right now. I meant not to dig deep for awkward or painful memories. And it is not something that anyone need be privy to, should it not be relevant between you or should you wish. You don't have to shout from the middle of the market your preferences. Nhaama knows there'd be quite a line forming both coming and going should I do something like that." She sighed, her eyes drifting a moment back to the fire. "...to touch briefly on a slightly more... immediate subject, I suppose with your apartment in such a state as it isn't currently, you've nowhere to bathe off all this soot?"

Daidukul Kha immediately keeps his quiet as her fingertip makes it's return to his lips. He makes no further remark on the subject, but the long, deep sigh exhaled from his nose could have been easily felt. Her question is what bids him speak again, pulling backwards to allow him to do so. "...Not anywhere so private. There are bathhouses in the company house, or failing that, a stream. But privacy is not assured... And that is something of a problem."

Tsaivarod Dazkar raises a brow. "...and is privacy from me a problem that worries you?"

Daidukul Kha: "...Not so much as anyone else. You... Understand my... Situation." As to which situation, exactly, he was referring to, he did not elaborate.

The situation not only regarding my... Preference to remain clothed for more physical reasons, but for the mark upon my back. It seethes some suns, and others it is so mild i can forget it, but...

...If people knew... I do not want to think what i might be subjected to.

Tsaivarod Dazkar: "Would you wish, then, to attend me to the bath?" She squeezed his hand gently. "And if you wish to be left alone, we may finish our washing seperately or together, as to your preference. But if you wish for... I do not know if it is comfort I give you, or a feeling of safety, but... if you wish for simple intimacy. Closeness. I am of course willing to wash you and to have you do the same for me. Not in the manner of any explicit pleasures, but simply for sharing the moment."

Daidukul Kha returns the squeeze of the hand; he doesn't seem as though he quite wants to let go, opening his mouth to speak though words did not follow. At least not... Immediately. "...I trust you." He confessed, quietly. "...I -enjoy- physical contact. I do. Embraces and other such affection are enjoyed... And i would likely seek them out more if i was not so frightened of... People with ulterior motives, no matter how kind they are regarding their offering." He gives another squeeze, a little more gentle, then. "...But you know already. You know what i do and do not wish for, and i do not believe for a moment you would betray that trust."

Tsaivarod Dazkar: "Then follow." She leaned up to kiss his chin, stretching as she prepared to rise from the couch. "Let's go get you cleaned up proper, and perhaps we might see about my massage, hm?"

Tsaivarod Dazkar winks at you.

Daidukul Kha: "...I will attempt not to be so... Timid." The word is spoken a little flatly, as though taken as an insult, expression flickering into a faint smile as she drew back and they both rose.

...She’s not going to betray me, and there is no need for hiding or otherwise pretending of any discomfort i might feel. We can simply be close, as confidants, as friends.

...To think i would find such comfort with her, with the fearsome reputation i know to be the truth.

Tsaivarod Dazkar sighed again, somewhere between performative exasparation and sympathy. "Now now, darling." She wrapped an arm about his shoulders and gave him just a moment of her weight shifting as warning before swinging her legs up to be carried like royalty. "I have been myself for long enough to know that I elicit fear. Timid was, and is, no fault of yours. Though I am happy to help guide your hands should you wish."

Daidukul Kha: "...Only where you know they will be comfortable. You elicit fear to those who either deserve it, or... Only know of you through reputation." He manages to catch her warning, and quickly hooks an arm to catch her comfortably. "...And... When the bath is done..." Daidukul trails, as though hesitating to ask. "...You... Would not mind if i stayed overnight?"

Tsaivarod Dazkar gasped in a show of mock offense. "You would presume to spurn the implicit company of a -Khatun-?" She laughed, a soft and bright chime. "Worry not. I rarely say no to a body sharing bed with me. And I had all but counted on it the moment you stepped foot inside."

Daidukul Kha: "...I would presume no such thing! I would, however, ask a dear friend who i trust for comfort." His smile finally widens to something warmer. "...Which is something i appreciate dearly. I am blessed to have you as a confidant, Tsaivarod."

Tsaivarod Dazkar nestled against his chest, nodding. "And I am glad to have you see me as nothing more, dear. Now then." She kicked her legs gently, tail swinging slowly. "Shall we to the bath while I am still awake, or are you going to hold me while your warmth coaxes me to nap and we bath when I awake?"

Daidukul Kha: "...Bathing first might be in better order, yes? All the better to sleep after a warm bath." He chuckled, wandering down the stairs. "...I shall try not to fall asleep in the bath itself. Though i do not doubt you would be able to carry me, i should at least like to remember the company."

[inner--islands]

Interview with Braden McKenna (May 2016)

1. What are some recent inspirations?

Dark Souls. I had avoided the series for a long time because of it’s difficulty, but finally decided to give it a chance. It has became a pretty consuming thing for me, and I’m currently working my way through the third entry in the series. The world Dark Souls sets up is so compelling and the attention the game requires of the player gets me into a very meditative focused head space that has been very rewarding. I have Sun Ra on as I answer these questions. He’s always inspiring. Always in awe at the range of sounds he crafted over his lengthy career. Also really taken back by how much content he created. Sun Ra situates his politics with his art in such an engaging seamless way. Truly a mystery.

2. Do you think all music is inherently political? Do you feel aware of that to different degrees when doing work as braeyden jae and softest? Or is that beside the point?

Short answer yes. Our lives are so deeply affected by politics whether we direct our intention and focus towards that or not. So it’s pretty irrelevant to me if an artist feels political or not,the artistic work is being created and displayed in a deeply political climate. My personal politics are very much on my mind while working as braeyden jae, not so much while working on softest, but that doesn’t really change the conditions that have lead me to be able to make and share art. So ya, it’s all political.

3. You’ve just started a new label – Heavy Mess. What is your vision for that project? What do you think has changed for you since the impetus to start Inner Islands back in 2010?

I really just want to be able to share sounds that interest me. Inner Islands had a very specific vibe and eventually it became harder for me to authentically curate new releases. Heavy Mess can be a lot of things, my listening habits lean more towards instrumental music, but I’d be happy to put out a pop album or whatever on the label. I’m mainly interested in working with good folks who are sharing sincere art in a sincere way. In that sense, maybe it’s not all that different than Inner Islands. Also, a month into the first two releases I’ve become painfully aware that I’m still shit at getting press. Feeling determined though.

4. I know in general you work pretty swiftly and prolificly on projects these days. How would you describe your scope when approaching a new project?

I’ve recorded a lot of two track albums as braeyden jae. Conceptually those aren’t as time consuming and the execution of those albums is pretty free, which allows for a lot of output. But my more proper albums like Heaven House, Turnings, Memory Chain, and Fog Mirror take a lot more time. The ideas reveal themselves more gradually and the execution is more labored. I’m always working on several albums at a time though. I’ve been maybe too prolific that past two years, I’ve still got a few things coming out this year that are finished, but I’m staring to shift into a slower zone with my work. Planning a few more labor intensive albums. Excited to see what happens.

5. I feel like I can trace a line between some of your projects, specifically WYLD WYZRDZ to Kaliska to softest. It seems like there is an evolution of a particular vibe. Does that ring true at all? How do you experience that chain?

All three of those projects come form a very similar place to me, all from a more gentle part of me. I guess the difference to me with those projects lies more in my interpretation of what my place in the world is and how I am currently trying to navigate myself as a changing human in a changing landscape.

6. How was it touring late last year as braeyden jae after taking a break from touring for 4 years?

Touring was great. I’m such a introvert that when I’m at home it’s easy for me to just keep to myself. So tour, while challenging for me, is a nice way to interact with folks. I’m hitting the road for my second braeyden jae tour in a few weeks. Looking forward to that.

7. How was it translating the softest project live nearly 2 years ago in June, 2014? Is that something that you consider doing again?

I’d be open to playing live as softest again. I had a good time while doing it. It’s not a zone I feel ready for most the time though. I think if I tried to play a set as softest while not feeling very soft, that it would end up loosing it’s appeal for me.

8. What’s your favorite Jim Henson-related film or series?

Dark Crystal runs super deep for me. I re-watch that film a lot. The world it presents is very real to me. The pacing is slow and reflective, an easy film to zone on. Brian Froud’s involvement in that film is also key. But I also gotta give respect to Sesame Street. I grew up on that, and still pull up clips of Burt and Ernie, and Grover when I need a laugh.

9. Dream collaboration with someone from an older generation?

Out of folks who are no longer with us, it would be Sonny Sharrock or Albert Ayler. From the living it would have to be Pharoah Sanders. All three are huge influences on my work as braeyden jae.

10. Words of wisdom you like to recall in times of need?

Rahsaan Roland Kirk has this awesome monologue on his record Bright Moments that I listen to a lot. Helps me stay positive about continuing to prioritize my time for creating new art.

Braden McKenna currently works as braeyden jae and softest. He also runs Heavy Mess and founded Inner Islands. He released his most recent softest album, six wishes, in February on Inner Islands.

[mars-da-volcanic-elemental]

Going to update from my personal blog instead of my main content one.

I’ve moved locations since the above update. And I’m about to again.

November 15, 2023

I found a safe place to go. From there most of my expenses were taking care of my needs, rebuilding the basics. Getting meds. Address. SSI. Updated License, Peer support, and actual healthcare. From there it was building upward to see what I needed.

While gaining support from Lister, a precious handsome cat. He’s been helping too in his own way.

February 13, 2024

Housemate and I had the important discussion…He was basically like—“I’m trying to see what else you need me for—as you’ve done a lot while you’ve been here…I don’t see you being here in June.” Which meant I was…to find another location to live. I did… That’s confirmed and taken care of. They know my situation so—I contacted them after this. And they said, “we’ll house you.” I’m…moving closer to the end of May.

I don’t blame my housemate. He’s answered the call to assist me with housing, food, medical, resources, ssi and more. I wasn’t able to get much done back at the previous family. But I was able to achieve everything that he’s seeing I need him for. So…He’s never seen me staying here past June. I mean…he’s grown a lot, despite him being a white genderqueer neurotypical Gen X…I’m grateful for his assistance. …The only other things were just housing and food. But apparently those aren’t things I need him for. …he is helping me move technically. He has a life to live, and…he’s trying to navigate life without his late spouse. ….Mine was long term stay. I had…hoped it would be longer than this but… I keep forgetting I am not as supported (the little I was) before. He was told that I’d be living here a few weeks. But…it’s nearing half a year.

I think that’s the only thing that hurts me. Everywhere I go feels like “home.” But I know it’s not and never will be.

…This time I just…thought it was different.

February 18, 2024

I will be moving closer to the end of May. I’ve done some photography and more videos for my YouTube Channel. However…while I’ve gotten my answers spiritually…my Body’s health isn’t doing so hot…I’m currently struggling with a cold that’s more formidable than I had anticipated.

2024 isn’t going to be easy, my health is going to be a huge factor. I already feel the decline…I’m going to need to build up my support soon. Otherwise it’s going to be as rough, if not more, as 2023.

What do I& need you to do?

Honestly, with what’s going on with current events, please continue to support those in need.

I post much about those in need on @cjoat-boost. As well as other info, but if you wish to assist on my end…I have a few methods of doing such.

If you’re able to send a $10-$20 to my friend for food—it would greatly help- https://cash.app/$RammyFisherIII

If you’re able to assist with anything on my friend’s wishlist—I’d greatly appreciate it. https://throne.com/bootlegcharger

Both are here at my Pay It Forward subpage. Also if you are able to give to anyone on this subpage I’d greatly appreciate it.

Other than that…supporting me in particular…

Follow @cjoatprehn & @cjoat-boost (and this blog if you want)

Visit my website and check things out there.

You can also support me through there.

Check out my YouTube channel

Thats…really all I got. Thank you. Truly. Um…imma go rest for a bit now.

Survival Financial Request!

My mom’s been filing for bankruptcy, has been extremely financially stressed lately, and trying to get me over to her has been really stressful. She’s a burn victim from a Yankee Candle catching on fire on Halloween, she received 3rd degree burns on most of her body for trying to save her support dog. Between support animal costs, food, rent, and hospital recovery, she’s in dire need of aid. If y’all could and are in a position to help, could you send some money over, please, to help ensure she will be able to at the very least have some pressure off her shoulders? And a sweet note, if you want to—? Thank you…

Adding to this post-

I want to make clear I’ve been struggling to keep us and others afloat, and now I’m at a point in my life and health where I am no longer able to do so. They’re cutting away more food stamp money from many households in the legislature not just ours, and I’m in the process of moving to my mom’s to help out. And also—

I’m kinda Flipping out right now. I don’t want to lie, with the US being a 3rd world country now. I’m flipping out because last month…was the last month they would be giving food money in the 100s. With food so high and Rent higher. SSI—I don’t even know. …I’m smiling but I don’t know what else to do. My moms still recovering from 3rd degree burns, surgery, and trying to get me there, and I’ve learned that the Aunt that had control of late great grandma’s reservoir for funds…Help won’t last long.

I’m scared, and I’m losing hope. I don’t want to go out as the person who Fucking struggled and suffered their entire life, never got to flourish. …I’ve never thought of making a gofundme again. Every time I’ve made one it never reached anything. And…I-can’t even maintain a savings for long. If we run out of money or assistance, then my mom stops getting treatment. Her dog doesn’t get food or treatment…and we’ll lose the little we have left.

She doesn’t have any friends or many connections outside of herself or her former government job. So—I’m just—like—trying to convince her to.. at least accept my help. I know everyone’s not in the best financial situation to help but—I can’t continue giving good energy to the universe from an empty cup…so I really appreciate the support..!

For record only, no longer helping someone who wants to gaslight and abuse me. I’ve been evicted as of May 9th, 2023. I found a place to stay for last night and possibly tonight. After that I’m on the streets. I’ve accepted I might not make it. I’m bedbound forced to rest by my body and disabilities. My phone has been deactivated by my mom only to discover she can’t reactivate it due to my phone being 6-7 years old. It’s too old to be reactivated with its old line.

But…hey…I’m no longer at my abusive home situation. I don’t wish to tell my dad’s side of the family. My mom prolly let them know anyway. I don’t know for sure though.

…I’m so flipping screwed. Had to deactivate my throne, due to no longer having that address. So…I’m just.. Here. Waiting. Watching my time come closer.

Thread of some of the abuse from my mom. I don’t feel like typing it all here..

https://cjoatbysamwise.com/donate-to-cjoat

…I’m scared. But I don’t know what else to do so I’m accepting my fate and situation for now at least. So.

Here’s to updates..

Late Update:

Got yelled at, insulted, and screamed at by my mom through text. She’s called AT&T to lock everything down; I asked her for my account information. When she didn’t answer for the next 5-6 hours. I had AT&T send an email and a text to her & asked her for what they sent her. I got accused of hacking. I’m Not getting my phone line back.

Oh and to top it off, she sent me a picture of Storme laying outside of where I used to sleep. With Storme saying hi. I relayed a message to Storme. It would be a goodbye unless we meet again.

…So I’m unable to exactly…Do anything so. Just…Trying to calm my heart rate down…It’s been elevated all damn day…and increasing..

Good News: The Situation has Partly Cleared!

I cued a erasure on the iPhone 14 Pro Max, which my mom gave me and then took away from me after snooping through my iPhone 8+ and kicking me out, as soon as it connects to the internet; that way, my mom gets to return the phone, she gets her $1K+ back, problem solved. However, twice my mom sent 2 “Reset Apple ID Password” pop-ups on my devices, which…fuck off, mom, tf?

In response, after checking with the select few, I have changed my Apple ID email, because she doesn’t know my Apple ID password. I will be working with Apple Customer Servicee to ensure she can not steal my Apple account through Screen Time (which is possible). Conclusively:

I have a bed and address, temporarily but for awhile, unsure of how long, definitely more than a few days. Right now, until things stabilize with assistance, I don’t have to pay yet, despite being willing to. Currently slowly getting out of survival mode. Many of my stuff remain at my mom’s. I am able to get another physical SIM for my phone. Throne should be showing and working now, because I now have a new address, temporary while I figure what to do from here. I am no longer am able to draw due to my stylus breaking and my disc tips running out. Still got to get back. Laptop is out of commission until I get a new laptop charger, or until I get my old one back. That’s the update for now.

…I’m…finally going to heal, now that I’m safe and in a warm & accepting, and lax environment.

Still going to need assistance, thank y’all so much for supporting me so far.