#not sure if i should cross post this tbh i kinda hate it but then again i hate everything i write so.

[riseswiththesun]

tell me what you really feel

mini drabble/ficlet based off this comic by @mayskalih! i saw her first hc about this and had wanted to write something but then she did the comic and i literally got up and wrote this sksks so thank you for the brainrot LOL

not sure when the canon time frame of this would be I kinda made it vague, so you can imagine it how you want tbh lol, I kinda imagine them a bit older, so like canon divergence/post canon

ao3 link

word count: 2.5k

title inspired by lyrics from the song like or like like by miniature tigers

He hates to admit how much the words sting when Sokka says them. 

Lovebirds.

Zuko feels like he did as a child; the way he feels is almost petulant, wanting something he knows he cannot have. The way feelings he can't quite discern—anger, jealousy, sadness, bitterness, perhaps, he isn't sure, and he doesn't even really want to know—pool at the bottom of his stomach, leaving him uneasy. But he knows all of this is so painfully trivial, pathetic even, how such a nonsensical word almost sends him into a downward spiral of emotions.

But Sokka only confirmed what he’s expected—what he’s known. 

He’s seen the way that the two of them smile at each other, the way she seems almost happier, lighter, brighter, around Aang—something he would be foolish to think she would ever be around him. And so even though he’s been clinging to their few brief moments of amicability, the few moments of vulnerability, and the few brief touches that he’s clung onto more than he likes to admit, he knows his place. He’s grateful for the forgiveness he’s been granted, and that, albeit unfortunately, will just have to be enough.

Zukko never wanted to come to terms with these feelings—if that’s what they even are. He’s tried to tuck them into the back of his mind, being content with where they currently remained—something he didn’t want to grapple with. But now, the painstaking realization has hit him that his feelings are large and grand, knowing that it’s more than just admiration or maybe even something as menial as a crush. He cares, feelings that feel large and grand in a way that he can’t quite comprehend. But he knows that he likes how he feels understood, and he likes how he feels that he’s not someone who’s broken, and he likes that he feels that he is someone who is capable of doing good things—of making a change, of becoming good again. And even aside from that, he likes that she is all things good, that she is hope, that she is someone who deserves better—which is something that he knows that he is not.

So because he cares, he allows for the upturn of his own lips as he watches the two of them, the sun casting down glowing rays—something almost out of a picture, and he thinks to himself: this is what she deserves, what she wants.

And because he cares, cares in a way that it aches in the deepest swells of his chest, he turns to Sokka, nodding in agreeance, the same smile on his face as he speaks.

“You’re right, Sokka,” he says almost breathily, forbidding any sort of indication of the affliction that hangs low in his throat to show in his voice. “We should help them.”

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆

Katara feels a shift—something is off. 

It feels harmless at first; she doesn’t think much of it. It starts with Sokka’s calculated glances towards her, almost as if he has some sort of intention behind his stares. He has the same look on his face when he talks about war plans or whenever he’s discussing something concerning logistics—he’s plotting, but she doesn’t know what. 

She sees the way he and Zuko share mutual looks, almost as if it’s something they’re in on together. It felt harmless at first, the way they’re insistent on certain things, guiding her to certain parts of the camp, directing her to do certain tasks that normally they wouldn’t have her do, but then it crosses into a certain territory where it raises flags, and she knows that something’s off, but she can’t quite figure out what.

It makes the energy within the camp feel strained—she can tell that Sokka is being sneaky, like he’s hiding something from her, or maybe even all of them, which only floods her with additional anxiety—something she already feels she has enough of, and doesn’t need more of at a time like this; Toph is indifferent as always; Suki constantly looks as if she’s worried, almost as if she knows what’s going on, but refuses to say much of anything; Aang tries to keep spirits up, acting as he always does, which that much she can appreciate, her one small semblance of normalcy; but then there’s Zuko, who she doesn’t know how to describe his behavior, but all she knows is his is the person’s behaviors whose bothers her the most. 

She hates that once she finally found herself comfortable with him, almost seeking him out, almost desiring to be near him, he’s decided he no longer wants to be near her, taking every opportunity to push her away. Every instance in which she attempted to even talk to him, whether it be for something small, or even when she tries to seek out his assistance, he’s quick to call someone in replacement of him.

Katara huffs to herself, feeling exasperated by everything that’s been going on the last few days. Part of her feels like she’s being dramatic, something everyone wouldn’t hesitate to tell her, but she knows that something is wrong, and she hates that it bothers her so much. 

She finds herself roaming aimlessly around their campsite, searching for some form of respite, anything at this to put her mind at her ease. She sees Aang and Zuko sitting and talking, prompting her to try and join them, hoping talking with them could jog her spirits even the smallest bit knowing the two of them are two people that as of lately, are the only ones who she feels like understand her most.

“Hey,” Katara calls out as she approaches them, a smile on her face, “Can I join you guys?” She takes a seat before they can even answer, assuming she’ll receive an eventual yes. She somewhat receives one in the form of Aang’s returned grin, but Zuko’s body stiffens at the sight of her. The smile she saw from afar has been replaced by a face she once deemed as cold—an expression she didn’t associate e 

“U-uh,” he hesitates, quickly standing up. “I-I gotta go…” Walking away before the two of them can question his reasonings for leaving.

Aang and Katara share confused glances, before both their eyes follow Zuko to the other side of their camp, joining Sokka in whatever it is he seems to be doing. Aang gives her a shrug before he continues the conversation, but Katara no longer has any interest in talking, her mood seemingly gone sour.

But most of all, she hates the feeling in her chest, something almost like a tear in her heart, that occurred the second that Zuko left, taking all the air in her lungs with him.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆

Zuko concludes that solitude is the best course of action. 

He knows that he’s doing the right thing, the honorable one even, but it doesn’t make it any more bearable. He almost wishes that he felt the petty rage and jealousy that he felt with Mai—anger, at least, is an easier concept to grapple with. 

But he finds that whatever this is, he can only take in strides, the gravity of his feelings being a harsh reality that he’s been forced to come to terms with. Each time Zuko aids in this plan of theirs, he knows it’s for a greater purpose, one that he would put above his own desires and feelings (something that the Zuko before would have never considered), so he continues, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. 

Though despite being someone who's changed, valuing those who he cares about, it’s in his innate being as a person to at times, wallow. So he concludes that solitude is in fact the best course of action. Because in isolation, there he can bask in his emotions without fear of being questioned; there is nobody to judge his seemingly childish tantrums, when all of it just feels so unfair, and why him; but most of all, there he can live in the bliss in  knowing he’s the only one who knows just how much his feelings have amounted to, and just how much he may have fucked up in allowing them to get to that point. 

So he keeps to himself in the moments that he can, doing whatever tasks he can alone, cherishing the few moments of privacy he gets to wrestle with his emotions. He clings to whatever noises around him, hoping they can somehow bring him back to earth, but it’s normally much to no avail—the crackle of the fire and the buzzing of insects in the night sky only provide cursory background noise to the never ending state of chaos of his mind. 

In Zuko's mind, he feels as though there’s a constant influx of emotions, so much so that he almost doesn’t feel smaller hands against his back, jolting him out of his thoughts, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Hey, Zuko,” a voice that could belong to nobody other than Katara calls out from behind him. He feels his body stiffen at her touch, no longer used to the close contact, even in the few instances it had occurred. Zuko turns to face her, her face showing clear signs of displeasure, but before Zuko can even question why, she keeps talking. “Why are you avoiding me?” She asks, anger, or maybe even hurt, Zuko thinks, hanging in her voice. 

His eyes go wide, but he quickly tries to regain his composure, not wanting to raise any sort of concern. He thinks to what he’s done for the entirety of the week whenever Katara’s had any sort of issue, knowing there’s a better solution than him to her problems. 

“Let me go get Aang…” He says gently, trying not to make matters worse. 

Her face scrunches at this, releasing out a huff—she’s upset. Zuko tries to think of what he could’ve done to upset her, all he’s done since they’ve made amends is try his hardest to do right by her, and he feels like he constantly keeps coming up short, only confirming what he’s known for so long—she deserves better. 

“You’re not going anywhere—you don’t need to get Aang, this has nothing to do with him,” she starts, closing the distance between them. Zuko can see the telltale signs of her anger, the face she makes when she’s fed up with all of them, when they’ve pushed her buttons too hard, or worn her patience too thin—the furrow between her brows, the narrow of her eyes, the rosiness in her cheeks, the exasperation in her voice. “What’s wrong, Zuko? Why are you avoiding me? Why is it that every time I try to talk to you or ask for your help, you suddenly call Aang or leave?” She asks angrily, before her voice gets quiet, as if she’s nervous to finish the rest of her sentence, “Did I… do something?” 

Zuko didn’t think there was a feeling that felt worse than how he already did, but the look on Katara’s face, one that had just been filled with anger, that now holds so much hurt, is enough to make him fess up to the whole ruse—he doesn’t want to leave any room for misinterpretation. 

“I-I wanted to help you and Aang!” He blurts out. “Sokka told me you liked each other, so we’ve… been trying to help you two. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea but… that’s why I’ve been doing that, for you two.”

Her face twists, this time not in anger, but what he thinks is annoyance. Katara lets out a pained huff, pinching her nose and closing her eyes, almost as if she had to take a moment to process his words. 

“You two are idiots,” she sighs. 

This time, it’s Zuko's turn for his face to scrunch up, but for him, rather than anger or annoyance, it’s in confusion. He raises his brows, leaning against the wall behind him, “What?”

Katara steps closer, cutting the distance between them from arm’s length to inches away in just a few seconds. She leans in, pressing her hands against the stone wall behind him for support. Their faces are so close he can feel her breath tickling his cheek, he feels his heart racing and his palms growing sweaty, the result of too many emotions and her presence alone. 

“Zuko, I don’t like Aang…” She says. “I like you.”

He blinks at her, feeling dumbfounded. The words hang in the air, almost as if they’re waiting for Zuko to take them and physically make himself process them, screaming at him to comprehend the gravity of what she means, but Katara, instead, does it for him, giving him no time for things like insecurity or misunderstanding. She closes the distance between them, pressing her lips onto his. 

At first, Zuko feels his body tense—one too many shocking proclamations have occurred, leaving him incapable of processing things at a normal rate. By the time his mind has finally processed her words, I like you, his body finally has caught up to reality, taking him out of the state of limbo he’s since been existing in—those few seconds between before and after her profession—he feels Katara pull away, just after he’d finally become accustomed to the way her lips felt against his. 

He feels his cheeks flush, seeing the way she looks at him, waiting for his response. Her eyes have a look in them, softness almost, something akin to hope, Zuko thinks. They stare at one another, at a loss for words, both too scared to break the silence between them, the only sound their bated breaths and the drumming of their heartbeats. 

Zuko has never been the best at emotions or words, he thinks the best course of action in this scenario is just doing. So this time, it’s Zuko who leans forward, cupping her cheek affectionately before pressing his lips onto hers with a confidence he didn’t know that he had in himself. 

And though Zuko isn’t perfect, and he still has so much to learn, so much growing to still do, maybe he is deserving of good things, and there are people who are capable of seeing the good in him too. He thinks that maybe later they can talk more about their feelings and specifics and whatever other misunderstandings may have occurred, but for now, he enjoys the way she feels underneath his touch, a feeling he wants to tattoo in his memory, a moment like this he will remember forever. 

All the feelings of self doubt and insecurity and the little voices that scream inside him, you aren’t enough, begin to dissipate with every little press of her mouth against his. It feels sweet and it feels new and it feels like the good in life that he’s been searching for. 

When he finally pulls away, he looks at her, admiring how the fire casts a glow on her face, her cheeks rosy, and her lips plush. Her eyes sparkle, and Zuko never realized, or at least he’s never allowed himself to admit just how beautiful she really is. 

He feels a warmth settle inside him, the corners of his lips upturning. And there’s more that he wants to say, but his mind, always an influx of emotions, albeit this time, positive ones, settles on: “I like you too, Katara.”

[sunspira]

you're fighting for your life in that post and god damn you're an idiot. like completely oblivious to everything everyone is saying. dumb idiot american indeed

nah i honestly think it's getting weird and unhealthy the level of hostility and vitriol like finnish dannish and Belgian tumblr (three nationalities i saw posting with the most disdain) has for americentric posts about something as innocent as if watching foreign movies is a rare thing for you vs the norm. And the way foreign is defined differently based on different economies. I think the frustration of like "man some of you guys really forget non americans are on here" is very fair and warranted. especially with a level of humility too it since you live in America part 2.

if you're a white fandom blogger in finland I kinda think the frustration at americentrism should be rooted in the knowledge it harms others more than you. that it frustrates you on behalf of the rest of the world, while also knowing you benefit from it. it should frustrate you primarily as an ally, not really as a victim. and sometimes it feels more like you're claiming you're being oppressed. there's layers to it, like the potential loss of your native language into english that should be framed as actual marginalization and indigenous culture worth preserving. but idk, there's a lot of "jumping at the chance to be hostile and holier than thou online and justify it to myself as telling off my oppressor" in north and west european tumblr toward american users. when the dynamic is not as clear cut as the situations you're imitating, like the tone of justified disdain and hate when people from the global south make fun of american ignorance, their undeniable oppressors. and sometimes these american users aren't even white, so they're actually far more oppressed by america than you could ever be.

i've seen enough of turkish twitter bullying black americans online with vicious superiority for their perceived connections to american imperialism making them fair game in some international users minds. but not all international users are equally oppressed, are they? some of you guys ARE the oppressors. arguably the turkish person is the more privileged individual in the room. with racial privilege as a turk in an imperial country that committed genocide on minorities for not being turk in order to establish a turk ethnostate. and in terms of international relations turkey is one of the most powerful natjons in the middle east / west asia. this person is the primary oppressor class of the middle east just after white europeans. the idea they have some plight under black americans for being technically brown and middle eastern and using that misconception to make anti black jokes (rampant in their country as well) under the guise of ANTI IMPERIALISM tbh nauseates me. so seeing any kind of largely misplaced co-opted rage for cool comeback fuckery from actual white europeans against the vague sense of "american bad" (yes of course america bad, but to who BUT TO WHO?? like i'm sure we've done Belgium wrong. fair. but is it right to make this americentric conversation always SOo much about you and your danish neighbors?? and with THAT holier than thou attitude with what belgium has done?? like there's limits to the validity vs hypocrisy of frustration about americans forgetting europe exists. the leftist analysis of power imbalance of american culture and media over yours is very good. but in your place of privilege it's very easy for the hostility and condescension to cross over into person with nationalistic ego complex interpreting different life experiences mentioned in polls as an affront on your experiences and proof of american ego and ignorance) it just gets under my skin as of late!

ive thought here and there about the levels of disdain condescension and bitterness from western europe tumblr users to the idea of americentrism and it started off as quite justified and understandable (i think to some level it still is) but some of you guys kind of inappropriately mimic and co-opt the level of anger people actually oppressed my american imperialism do and should have. especially cause you benefit from it. and the clarity and humility and nuance in that is important! especially when many americans are not white, it becomes even more inappropriate as any kind of leftism against a power imbalance and more and more with features of like nationalism/xenophobia

I saw a popular post the other day about how "ancient people were just hammered all the time lol. they drank more beer than water". that's only true for ancient europeans. no one thought to question it let alone insult OP over it. so many posts on here are ethnically eurocentric (revolving around europeans or european americans, european australians etc) as well because eurocentrism and americentrism are so deeply tied and linked.

the discourse on western european tumblr is just getting to a weird place tbh where it's actually getting a bit overblown. and i hate to tell you not to make jokes at our expense or criticize oblivious posts. i definitely don't mean that!! i don't want this to come off as like "europe stop making fun of america or criticizing american ignorance or you're RACIST" but i feel like some of you guys aren't even using americentrism the term and theory correctly anymore and are just using that term for some very mild nuanced situations with actual hate and disgust, like the way foreign films are defined differently. maybe that shouldn't inspire that level of hatred especially when you yourself are not oppressed by the "First World" powers, and you ARE the privileged First World. that post in particular snotty and white fragility laden feeling like it was because of like an ego injury rather than real oppression.

[storiesofsvu]

happy thursday!

Okay, I didn’t do last week cause I literally slept through mothership, half watched TO and was just too tired to do a “live” post so here’s what I remember/my thoughts.

-having amanda back was awesome and it was really nice to see her in the field again, but like NONE of that should have been allowed (with the exception of when liv said something about “find her paperwork, maybe it didn’t get filed and she’s still a cop after all” which is just LAZY writing’s way of getting around it). Amanda consulting on a case or helping in the squad room? Sure. But not out in the field taking charge, at crime scenes/etc any half competent defence attorney would have that all thrown out entirely.

-absolutely HATED how at the beginning of the ep carisi was all “I can get you a job as an investigator at the da’s office” like… amanda was a detective for over 10 years, she’s got a degree in forensic science, she does NOT need her husband to get her ANOTHER job, she can do that shit herself. I dunno why it irked me so much, but since leaving the show she’s just simplified into “carisi’s wife”/a mom, like, she’s been a mom for years already and was a perfectly competent cop.

-amanda being bored as a professor? Totally fine. Her wanting to go back to being a cop? Completely unbelievable. She LEFT the nypd after being shot because all she could think of was leaving her girls/carisi alone. So you really think she would come back now that she has ANOTHER kid, who is still a baby?? make it make sense. (yes, I would love to have amanda back in some capacity, she needs liv, liv needs her. even if she could just pop up once a month that’d be great) (and yes we need more female characters who are likeable and actually in every episode).

The domestic rollisi scenes were cute AF and I’m so glad to see them. I hope we get more of them. Also it didn’t even cross my mind so I know it wouldn’t have crossed the writers minds, but did we REALLY have to name the baby dominck jr jr and then call him *Nicky* when amanda had a very dramatic situationship with someone named NICK while her now husband was pining over her waiting in the wings?(again, I didn’t even notice this til I saw people complaining on twitter and now it just gives me a it of the ick lol)

Amanda also pushed it WAY too hard when she was UC, again, any attorney could have had that thrown out, ESP with any recordings prosecution would have to hand over. She wasn’t just letting him do what he wanted, she was practically seducing him. Bam. Case thrown out. Like yeah she obvi misses doing that kinda stuff but still… I DO love me some UC amanda, but there were some issues.

Okay I can’t remember what else really happened, so those are my thoughts on last week.

OC was okay.  

Well that’s fucking creepy…

Yeah bro… delivery man or not I’m not letting someone use my phone, worst that can happen? Murder. Less worse? He steals my phone. Both are non ideal.

Okay I had to run upstairs and missed the entire second block of the ep minus Nolan saying something about an old case so im v confused now.

Shaw really didn’t need to parkour over that mattress like that… if it was meant to look cool… it did not work, it looked lame.

The physical reaction I had to shaw throwing a chair should not be the immediate reaction a person has… but here we are…

Okay that ep was pretty good

Not watching Toronto. Well…the plan was to not watch it and now it’s kinda on in the background but im not really paying attention.

Okay, here we go svu. Fingers crossed for a good episode (tbh my hopes are not high lol)

I like the actress playing Sykes like she was incredible in the other ep she was in where she played a victim, but this role/characterization is not it. She’s too dry, she’s boring and I do not like her character at all.

Ugh, and of course we’ve got liv pushing this. Like… I *get* it to a point, she wants to watch out for the people around her who may be/are struggling, but like… y’all aren’t friends, and I’m pretty sure liv even said “I’m not really your boss” or something along those lines, and sykes said something about being put on a case (BECAUSE SHE IS A FUCKING FED NOT AN NYPD SVU DETECTIVE) so just fucking let her go. liv needs to deal with her own shit, maybe have another lunch with amanda and help her figure her shit out.

Fin speaking the fucking truth as per usual. Trying to tell liv she’s out of her lane and doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

This entire season has been focused on Liv hyper focusing and getting major obsessive over cases and fucking completely spiraling and looking like she’s insane and I honestly fucking hate that.

AND NOW SHE’S STRAIGHT UP LYING TO HER SQUAD?! BABYGIRL WHAT THE FUCK?

Velasco in purple, hellllooo.

I dunno if im gonna be able to handle Bruno and Velasco continually being partnered up. Imma have to write a threesome fic pretty soon… (wait.. I can do that for bingo!) (that being said, can these boys go back to wearing their badges on their belts, cause there’s something undeniably sexy about the way they have to flash them)

Okay hearing my last name on this show out of liv’s mouth felt REAL fucking weird. I don’t like it.

“not without a oujia board” LOL. Thanks Bruno

Oh good fucking god. Now Velasco and Bruno are teaming up on a perp… pls sirs. Yell at me. JFC. “open up.. say ah…” yeah.. im writing a fucking fic after this…

I understand they’re trying to solve a case/help but like, why can’t they just let these grieving families put the past behind them?? Like you’re dragging up trauma from 10 plus years ago..

Liv just answered the phone “Ed?” and I JOLTED cause my brain went “TUCKER?!!?” and then I remembered he dead.

Velasco is finally at the stage where he’s been around liv long enough that he can start to call her out, he’s witnessed the darker side of her a few weeks ago, he’s someone who normally sits quiet and observes and he can tell she’s fucking losing it. (like, not really, but also she lowkey is and needs to chill and go home and hangout with her son).

“good luck with your open cases. I hope they distract you from your own endless amounts of baggage”

WOW tonight really is all about calling out Liv and I am HERE for it.

Also please for the love of god can we stop name dropping William lewis. We lived through those eps, we don’t need it anymore unless liv is actually going to fully get closure (and PLEASE no visual flashbacks anymore…)

Sonny being in liv’s phone as “ADA Carisi” is wild.

Every single time they bring up genealogy tests on these shows it reminds me yet another reason to never do one lol.

Drink every time a family member/bestie is all “omg he would never, he’s a good man, he even goes to church!” meanwhile they’re guilty af

Oop. And he runnin.

It’d be real nice if we could go to court in an episode sometime soon… like…give carisi something to do that’s his *actual* job. In the old seasons ada’s got SUED for galivanting around the city with the cops meanwhile carisi just gets to go UC and do whatever he wants whenever he wants cause the writers/show runners don’t wanna do court scenes anymore??

You really think an episode centered around the case involving skykes missing sister would have actually been more centered AROUND sykes?? Like, I get that she was all “leave it alone” but it would’ve been a much better episode if they were working a current case/different svu case/cold case/WHATEVER and THEN found a dna link/connection and sykes could’ve been all “wait.. I know this pattern/souvenir/whatever” and slowly put it together that it could be the same person….

Meh episode.

Okay, onto OC, let’s see how this goes.

Ok, I know this is likely going to be important to the plot or whatever but I couldn’t care less about this fucking flash back lol.

Thank god ayanna’s back.

LOOOOLLLL not a single soul believed jet & bobby. That was perfect.

Okay, elliots back, so whenre we gonna find out what’s going on with eli??

How did I know that the people chasing joey were just gonna be Elliott and someone?

Ok, OC has lost me. Im not longer invested or even caring about this storyline lol

See y’all next week! (maybe?)

[prompt-master]

Whisked Away

Everyone was getting settled for bed at the moment. They hadn't managed to find a proper safe shelter, instead they found an overpass to sleep under. While the rest of the survivors were cleaning and setting up their shelter to be as safe and homely as possible, Byakuya was doing one last survey of their surroundings to make sure everyone would be safe. If an emergency broke out they could always try and get Syo out, but why even risk what can be avoided? Not only that but… 

Makoto had been sick lately. It had started with a small fever that Kyoko theorized was just his exhaustion catching up to him. But even after being able to rest often the fever only grew. Her theory changed, now she thought that there was a possibility of infection from the dumpster that she'd missed in the heat of the moment. The logistics didn't matter much to Byakuya though, the damage had already been done and soon they had to carry a feverish and concussed Makoto wherever they went.  

Byakuya a few weeks ago was still able to keep up the show that he wasn't bothered by the ailment, but now it was hard to keep his worry at bay. Not when Makoto's fever had started to cause him to be delirious.

Byakuya pulled himself from his thoughts, after seeing no sign of danger whatsoever he decided to bring himself back to their shelter. He'd managed to find some more food, and even a little manga he thought Hagakure would enjoy.  At least his venture wasn't for nothing. 

He stepped under the overpass, seeing everyone hunched over. That was strange. He was expecting them to be settling down by now. Then again, these commoners had quite possibly the strangest behavior he'd ever seen. Maybe this was how plebeians talked to each other. 

He opted to ask a question that had been on his mind, "How is he?" 

He expected the answer to be the same as always. "Not better". But instead he was greeted by Kyoko lifting her head and meeting his gaze with one of….

Pure worry. 

Byakuya nearly stepped back at such an open display of emotion. "What's wrong?" 

There was a pause. Now that he noticed everyone looked scared or worried. Yasuhiro was going through their supplies while a pot of water boiled over the fire. 

"Answer me, dammit, what's the problem?"

"Naegi hasn't stopped throwing up." 

What? 

"What? What do you mean?" 

"He-h-he can't hold anything down" Aoi sniffled, her shoulders were shaking in worry but he could tell she was trying to stay strong. "He's been throwing up the entire time you were g-gone…"

"But that would be…" 

Toko was fidgeting badly, looking like she wanted to curl into a ball as her hands pulled and tugged harshly at every joint one by one, "h-h-h-he...h-he threw up w-water too…" 

Byakuya felt cold. 

"That can't be allowed right now!" 

"We know Togamichi! But he can't keep ANYTHING down we've tried even just a few sips and nothing works!" 

He allowed himself to pace inward to be a part of the group. So he could finally get a good view of everything. He could see Makoto lying propped up against a large chunk of broken car, and he looked...awful. His face was scrunched up, the ordeal of constant throwing up had made his stomach and body burn. His face was free of all color, making his fever stand out strong. He was trembling badly, so badly it looked like an unnatural jitter. Kyoko was kneeling in front of him with a hand on his face, trying to keep his head up. Every time she tried to pull her hand back his head wobbled forward or to the sides, unable to muster up the energy to do it himself. His breathing sounded almost wheezy from how out of breath he was. Each breath was sharp and thin. 

 "Naegi" Byakuya spoke before he could stop himself, "can you hear me?" 

No response. 

Kyoko shook her head, "I think all the sudden vomiting put a minor shock on his system. He's been in and out of an unresponsive state." 

Shit. 

"What do we do?" 

The worry in her eyes was suffocating. Byakuya felt as though he was standing in a dry sauna, water bleeding out of the air and leaving nothing but cracked skin and an uncomfortable feeling in his chest.

"He needs to be hydrated." Byakuya found himself saying without really thinking.

Kyoko had a hand over Makoto's chest, feeling the racing pace it had taken. It felt like it could give out any second now. "We can't. He won't keep it down. If we had an IV maybe but…" Kyoko took a shaky deep breath,  "we need to lower the fever."

Byakuya kneeled down by the two, now even closer he could see the lack of sweat on Makoto's face. Painfully dry. Painfully hot. "Take off his hoodie."

She nodded, beginning to pull the zipper. Byakuya put his hand to Makoto's neck. He wanted to hiss and pull away. That sort of heat….Makoto's brain had to be bubbling up crudely at such high temperatures. Soon all that would be left would be a charred black sludge. He could feel the rapid pace of his heart beat, without even trying to find his pulse point. Yet for all the speedy thumping it had there was hardly any pressure in the beats. His heart barely had anything to give. 

"Naegi" he said, as Kyoko finished stripping off the rest of his hoodie. "Naegi you need to wake up right this instant." 

Nothing. His mouth was slightly parted. And strangely enough his eyes seemed to be active behind his eyelids. Fluttering around irregularly. It...startled Byakuya in ways he didn't want to admit. 

He heard a snotty sobbing cry, oh...that's right the others are. He had completely forgotten. Aoi's cries were choked, "i-is he going to die!?" she had said between hiccups, but no one had an answer for her. Or rather...they had their suspicions, but not the will to voice the possibility. 

A strange burnt leathery material was placed onto Makoto's head. Wait...no...that was skin. The ruined hands of Kirigiri Kyoko. Byakuya looked up at her, hoping to ask with his eyes only. For Kyoko to take off her gloves so suddenly..

"My hands are always a low temperature" she said, her bottom lip wavered, "the damage is so bad that they are never a human temperature...I thought that maybe it would help…" 

Makoto's eyes fluttered again. The whites of his eyes flickered between the eyelids until his pupils rolled down into the picture. The fluttering of his eyelids didn't stop, but now he seemed to be drifting his attention around. Byakuya's own heart was rabbit paced as he wondered if Makoto could even see anything. 

Kyoko's voice cracked, "Is he responsive?"

Byakuya shifted the hand still cradled in the crook of Makoto's neck. He lifted his head up slightly, watching as Makoto went from staring behind him to staring directly at him. 

"......n…..nmm…"

Makoto felt like someone was jamming a burning piece of metal into his stomach. The pain was so twisting and seering that he couldn’t even bear to cry. He could do nothing but experience the strange flashes of hot and cold, unable to move with the dried up pain inside of him. He may have not been able to move, but the pain in his stomach was well alive. It was a wiggling squirming thing that you could never get used to. It was like a worm that travelled too far into the street after rainfall. A lost and helpless little thing, rolling around until the soles of a shoe grinded down without a passing thought. No...that was too merciful. This pain was much slower, it was more like a worm caught by a fisherman. His stomach was a worm gutted for bait by a child, held at end to end and pulled until the center flesh tore. Hardly even usable after death, left down onto the table until brown sludge gushed from its slimy husk of a body with the slightest bit of pressure. How he wished he could cry. 

Maybe if he could manage to fall back unconscious he wouldn’t have to feel the twisting of the fisherman’s knife tearing into him. Maybe if he closed his eyes he wouldn’t see her hands shaking over the hilt as he lay limp in the shower. He could never forget how she looked at him, her eyes an untold madness of fury and fear. He couldn't handle it, he had to pry his eyes away. He could barely see past the fluttering of his eyelids as he tried to look up at the sky. That dull red peeking behind blackened clouds. It was supposed to be a reminder of the world’s state, but looking at it right now it almost seemed like Heaven. It felt like someone could reach her hand out and whisk him away to a better world. It was the polar opposite to the complete suffering he couldn’t escape. Was all this pain he felt what she felt? Is that why this was happening to him? If he could bear the burden of her death...would he get to feel peace? And then...well then he would get to see all his friends again, right? That made sense. It had to make sense. The sky was so close, such a comforting red. 

Makoto lifted his hand - how long had that been there? He’d completely forgotten - and tried to reach for Sayaka’s hand. For everyone’s hand. Instead of a warm embrace something rippled and cold wrapped around his palm. What was that? It held his hand with a gentle cradle, he could let his arm go loose and let it do the work for him. He trusted this strange embrace, but it wasn’t the one he’d expected.

“M’zno?” Why was the world made of spirals? He felt sick. 

“...No Naegi, it’s not Maizono. It’s Kirigiri, do you remember where you are?”

“...Hi Kiri”

“Hello Naegi.”

“This is a waste of time, what good is this doing?”

“Shush, he’s barely even aware.”

“Indulging his delirium will not make his fever go down.”

“I know that.”

Byakuya crossed his arms as if that would somehow protect him from his uselessness. He refused to accept this. They couldn't just watch. They were no longer those same trapped students helpless to the horrors around them. They could do something now. He just...needed to figure out what. 

“Hi T’gmi” his voice was cracked and soft from the lack of moisture. It must have been torture, not even being able to swallow anymore. Despite that, he still sounded happy to recognize one of his good friends. 

“.....tch, Hello Naegi.”

He didn’t like how Kyoko looked. Holding his outstretched hand with a calm, solemn expression. Kneeling by his side without the rush of adrenaline all the other survivors had. It was the look of someone who had already given up. 

“Do something.” Byakuya hissed. Kyoko didn’t move. “He needs help.”

“He needs comfort,” Kyoko whispered, “he needs rest,” Sayaka said. 

Kyoko tried to lay Makoto down more comfortably, using his balled up hoodie as a makeshift pillow. She smoothed his hair out of his face. If she would lose him soon then at least she got to touch him with her bare hands before he went. He was still looking up at the sky, fingers just barely flexing like he was trying to take hold. She squeezed his hand, heart aching at how little he seemed to recognize. 

“Kirigiri-”

“I just want to be by his side.” she said, “if he doesn't make it...I want to at least be there for him.”

“So you’re giving up.”

She rubbed her thumb in circles on the back on Makoto’s hand as he whimpered miserably, “No, but I don’t want him to be alone either.”

Byakuya turned to the others, barking out orders to search again for something - anything - that could help. Painkillers, fever reducers, survivors, cold clean water. He needed them to search every nook and cranny of this god forsaken world. His last moments spent with Makoto would not be like this. 

Kyoko squeezed his hand again, “Naegi, if you can hear me, can you please squeeze back?”

It was weak...but the fingers curled up. 

She smiled, “Good. You’re doing a great job. One squeeze for yes, two for no ok?” 

One squeeze, he still looked at the sky. Sayaka watched him, but she said nothing. Why didn’t she look happy to see him?

“Are you in pain?”

One squeeze. That was exactly why he wanted Sayaka to whisk him away. This was the moment he’d been waiting for. He’d been dealing with the retribution of allowing her murder to happen this entire time, surely she would take him with her?

“Ask him if he can talk.” 

Two squeezes. Sayaka didn’t look angry. She didn’t look scared. So why had she pulled her hand away, why was she looking at Kyoko instead? Why did she look so sad?

“Is this ok?” Kyoko asked, pressing a kiss to his hand. It wasn’t much, but he seemed more relaxed now. And any bit of comfort right now was worth the world to her. Byakuya came back and held Makoto’s other, dismissively staring at the ground. “...Does this really help?” he asked.

Makoto gave one squeeze to both questions. He felt exhausted through his pain, his energy seeping away with each and every breath. It was nice, he had to admit, to know that whether he died or not he wouldn't do it alone. He somehow felt safer, even when he was so unsure about his own fate. He would fall back into an unresponsive state soon, having to trust his friends to take care of them as well as they had been. Something about the way Sayaka looked at him made him feel the slightest glimmer of hope again. Maybe instead...maybe it would be Kyoko and Byakuya who would whisk him away. 

[whatiwillsay]

submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me.  but i am very emotional right now.  i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience.  ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support.  have you been financially impacted by this?  we can raise money.  do you need therapy?  we can help you find the support you need.  this community is unequivocally here for you.  whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will.  you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this.  i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened.  this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do.  this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

[variousqueerthings]

Tom Hardy Movies rated least to most queer

I made a list of some Tom Hardy movies and I rated them based on my own, non-specific criteria about what makes a movie queer. Results below the cut.

(Some films not included, because I haven’t watched them yet, because Mr Hardy’s only in them for a few minutes, because the subject matter doesn’t lend itself to this list, or because I just don’t want’em here. TV series also not included. The list is organised into both groups and ratings, because I’m doing The Most.)

Movies are divided into four groups and rated from 0 – 10 on the Queer-Scale, scroll down to the bottom if you want the ratings without the commentary.

Disclaimer: This list is subjective. Don’t come at me because I didn’t rate Inception higher, Nolan himself is as queer as cargo shorts. 

1. This movie would make more sense if it were queer

If this movie were queer it�� might not become a perfect film all of a sudden, but it’d make a hell of a lot more sense than what’s actually going on. With an occasional dose of “are the cis-straights okay?”

This Means War (2012): So Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are ostensibly both in love with Reese Witherspoon, but say “I love you” to each other pretty much constantly throughout the movie and their friendship is often presented as a domestic partnership. Cool, cool, cooool.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10. This movie hate-crimed me by having Tom Hardy literally spell out his relationship with Chris Pine, only for the script to then have him say… “can you imagine all that… but with a woman…” Later on the movie explicitly denies polyamory is possible. Fuck this film.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012): Batman movies should always be queer. Mr. Hardy’s the only one who acceptably camps it up, despite Nolan’s best attempts to make him “acceptably gruff.” No matter what you do, Bane is a massive daddy in a mask and thanks to Mr Hardy’s honestly iconic fucking speech pattern in this film, it goes from pretty atrociously straight to just queer enough to imagine a future where Robert Pattinson plays batman and maybe adopts a bunch of kids.

(the only truly decent mask in this franchise tbh)

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. Mr Hardy’s back is the one that’s actually broken carrying any semblance of fun in this overly long movie all on his own.

Lawless (2012): Wow, this really was the year of the not-queer-enough, wasn’t it? Look, it’s “based on a real story,” but it’s also a movie and movies don’t need to stick to the truth, and this one certainly doesn’t. Was the guy queer in real life? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that it’s just kind of an eh movie and maybe being queer would add something to it. One of those “but why make someone queer? because it’s always more interesting to do so,” movies.

Queer Rating: 3 out of 10. It’s just not queer. But Tom Hardy wears cardigans and described his character as a “mother figure,” which adds an interesting dynamic to him.

2. Actually Queer but in a homophobic way

Tom Hardy plays a canonically queer character, yaaay. The whole movie contains a strange sense of the director being too not-queer to actually engage with that and everything around him is almost aggressively straight, noooo.

RocknRolla (2008): Honestly this movie has the funniest coming out scene ever + that familiar undertone of “all these manly men secretly want to fuck each other” is only heightened by one of them actually being gay and in love with his best friend. It’s such a fucking… it’s such a movie. Personally I find Mark Strong, Idris Elba, Thandie Newton, and, of course, Tom Hardy to be really hot in it, so that’s a plus. There’s a scene in which Strong’s character teaches another gangster how to do a proper backhand. It’s really gay of him. Also slow-dancing at a gay club. Butler’s character needs to get himself together, you really don’t think 2008 Tom Hardy is hot? Mate.

(left to right: functional queer, disaster queer, distinguished queer)

Queer Rating: 6 out of 10, for having an actual gay character who is played by Tom Hardy doing a sexy phonecall voice to another guy, but then there’s that feeling you can’t shake that the whole movie is vaguely uncomfortable about it, like a family member awkwardly patting you on the shoulder after they found out you were queer second-hand, but they’ve still got 50 years of bias to unlearn. Also Thandie Newton is killed, fuck that noise. 

Legend (2015): If I had a nickle for the amount of times Tom Hardy’s played a gay gangster, I’d have two nickles. Which isn’t a lot, but weird that it happened twice (looks at Peaky Blinders and thinks it ought to be three times). I’ve watched Legend three times and every time it just… loses me. And because this is a biased list, I’ll only specifically mention that it fails to make Ron’s queerness anything but a way for him to shock others. Gangsters could be gay? Gasp! On the upside Tom Hardy has so much sexual tension with everyone in this movie, including himself (why would you do that? Asks Ron, bemused. Because I can’t kill you, no matter how much I fucking want to, hisses a blood-soaked Reggie right into his ear. It’s hot).

Queer rating: 5 out of 10 because the film is just not very queer for a movie with several queer men in it.

3. Straight as a forced family dinner

It’s straight.

Locke (2013): He’s a married man who had an affair and trying to deal with the fallout of it. This isn’t a spoiler for most of the movie, it’s a pretty neat movie where we look at Tom Hardy having a bit of a mental breakdown and taking lots of phonecalls (my personal hell). Is it queer? Not in the slightest.

Queer Rating: 2 out of 10 for Hardy’s face being in almost every shot.

The Revenant (2015): Yeah, yeah, DeCaprio’s and Hardy’s characters are obsessed with each other, yeah it’s a man’s world where the only women are dead wife, kidnapped sexually assaulted native princess, or background whore, yeah, they fight each other and there’s a ton of grunting, but also… I just fucking don’t like this movie. The thin line where a storyline like this one becomes queer might be crossed for others, but not for me. Fuck these guys and their stupid  bear fights.

Queer rating: 3 out of 10 for it being about dirty men in the middle of nowhere (but you could just watch Brokeback Mountain or The Lighthouse or God’s Own Country or any Mad Max, or, or, or…)

4. Queer? Queer. Queer? … Queer…

The plots, aesthetics and/or characters played by Tom Hardy lend themselves to a queer reading, even if there is no overt intention towards queerness. Often this is because of a deliberate lack of heterosexual and/or cisgender writing, which in this day and age is still pretty uncommon not to include within a plot.

Inception (2010): Okay, I don’t even need to write about the added “darling,” or the “go to sleep Mr Eames.” I don’t need to go on about the absolutely bonkers amount of fanfiction written for Eames and Arthur, based on a few minutes of film and a boatload of chemistry. It’s queer.

Queer Rating: 7 out of 10, because the actual plot of the film isn’t very queer, but between the Arthur/Eames dynamic and Elliot Page, Nolan was really given a gift he didn’t deserve.

Warrior (2011): Okay, so first off, this might be my favourite Tom Hardy film, at least some part of my brain is fixated on it at almost all times and I’m considering watching it for the third time in two weeks. I don’t only consider it queer based on Mr. Hardy’s character, although he has no romantic or sexual interest and could be read as aroace, but because of the themes, especially those surrounding said character, who is coded as a caregiver to women and through close emotional connections to men. It’s got possibly unintentional deconstructions of masculinity and two men (brothers) who need to forgive each other and can only do so through the catharsis of violence. It speaks to me as a transmasc with several cis brothers, struggling with my own masculinity. It’s not at all written for me, but I find myself all over it. I could talk about this movie forever.

Queer Rating: 8 out of 10. I’m not allowed to say any more or I’ll never stop writing about it. I love you Tommy…

The Drop (2014): Bob’s lack of sexual and/or romantic interest in Naomi is so strange to her that she doesn’t know what he would want from her otherwise. Bob really just wants to raise a dog with her (and also forgiveness for past sins). Bob is such a rare ace and possibly aro coded character, it really throws me every time I watch this film how obvious it is. Bonus points for also being autistic-coded and not in the stereotypical ways.

(Tom Hardy’s most challenging role: pretending he doesn’t know dogs)

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10 because it’s so fucking rare to see ace and aro coded characters that aren’t, you know…. serial killers. Also Tom Hardy adopts a puppy and has a very cute, kinda lispy voice. How often does Tom Hardy play softer men like this?

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015): Very deliberately no sexual or romantic writing included in Max’s and Furiosa’s relationship. Sure, there’s not a lot of time for that in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but it was also done with a purpose! “It was always going to be two warriors on par, starting off with very little respect for each other and ending up with a massive respect for each other.” - Charlize Theron. “So of course they meet, of course there’s a relationship, an unspoken understanding. A recognition.” - Tom Hardy.

Queer Rating: 9 out of 10. It’s not just the characters, but the world and it’s apocalyptic BDSM leather scene, the questions it asks about sustainability and about people as tools, and the found family. It’s about overcoming violence through multiple kinds of love. And it’s about watching a guy playing flame-thrower guitar. What could be queerer?

Venom (2018): Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same… No, but Eddie is queer. The only question is whether the sequel will acknowledge that aspect or not, but even if not. Even if it manages to straightly bypass the reality of a symbiotic relationship with a genderless? genderfluid? being from another world that is linked to you down to your very cells and understands you more intimately than any other person possibly could… even if all that: Eddie is queer. Venom and Eddie are in a relationship. Any relationship Eddie ever enters into will automatically become a thrupple. He makes out with Venom in the movie! Eddie is queer.

(aw yeah that tongue is going down his throat)

Queer Rating: 9.5 out of 10, because it’s still coded by the creators in the language of bromance (hey, bro, is it gay if we’re physically and emotionally closer than any other people on earth?), but the movie is so, so camp and Mr Hardy’s acting choices are beautiful – the screaming? The lispy soft voice and lack of taking up space? The lobster tank? The only people who don’t know how queer this is are the people making it apparently. Fingers crossed for that sequel!

Hon. mentions:

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002): Star Trek – even at it’s worst (especially at its worst?) – is camp af + Hardy is a straight-up baby in this film.

Bronson (2008): It’s about a real person who’s still alive, so I won’t comment on the actual man. However the film seems to code the character Bronson along an ace line and also has genderqueering Vaudeville. Someone let Tom Hardy do more of whatever was going on in those stage-bits.

(this right here: this the good shit)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011): Another ensemble piece not massively about Hardy’s character, but it’s a movie that centers around queerness in a strange, depressing way. Tom Hardy’s character isn’t queer. Colin Firth and Mark Strong are though. The book makes me cry.

Peaky Blinders (2013-): Because it’s a TV series I left it out. There’s a lot of straight nonsense going on there, but Alfie Solomens is gay. There’s nothing in the series that disputes that and plenty that lends itself to the reading.

Dunkirk (2017): Tom Hardy plays an RAF pilot in a deep emotional connection with the other main RAF pilot. That’s immediately gay. However he’s not in the movie much because of the way it’s constructed, so I left it off.

Queer Ratings (least to most)

No queer to be found here traveller:

This Means War: 2 out of 10 - illegal movie, Tom Hardy swore he wouldn’t do another rom-com after

Locke: 2 out of 10 - straight Welshman and his straight problems. He pretty though

Lawless: 3 out of 10 - cardigan-Hardy being a mother-hen, but very straight for all that

The Dark Knight Rises: 3 out of 10 - a superhero movie that doesn’t deserve Mr Hardy’s camp talents (unlike Venom)

The Revenant: 3 out of 10 - doesn’t give me what I want out of a movie full of dirty, bearded men

Queer but we deserve more:

Legend: 5 out of 10 - timid homosexuality, considering the source material. 

RocknRolla: 6 out of 10 - hey bro, is it gay if we kill the only female lead in our massive ensemble cast

The queerest of Hardy’s:

Inception: 7 out of 10 - Elliot Page and JGL kissing was an all-around terrible choice that made no sense, we know the truth, Nolan

Warrior: 8 out of 10 - I’m still crying, Edgerton’s crying, Hardy’s crying, we’re all crying, and I think that’s really emotionally healthy and queer of us

Mad Max: Fury Road: 9 out of 10 - non-romantic love in the time of BDSM post-apocalyptic wastelands is something that can actually be so personal

The Drop: 9 out of 10 - “Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat them despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me!”

Venom: 9.5 out of 10 - Sometimes a relationship is an anxious reporter, the sentient goo inhabiting his body, his kinda-ex-girlfriend and her new doctor boyfriend, and I think that’s beautiful

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

#i wonder what your thoughts on diaspora in hetalia are#cause its a pretty interesting topic (the post in question)

@urmomsstuntdouble a collection of things that I think about on a semi-regular basis below the cut (also thank you for the tags!)

Disclaimer: I think this turned into more of a discussion of immigration and immigrants, but I hope this strikes your fancy anyways 😅. Also this got SO LONG and I explained quite a bit of history (because idk whether anyone knows much about this), so the key thoughts will be bolded!

My thoughts are kinda complicated about this tbh; it’s weird, because if China really did exist as a personification in real life, we’d probably both be judging each other, just for different reasons 😅.

General Hetalia Cases

I think when discussing immigrants/diaspora, you have to think about why different immigrants left. @cupofkey kinda discussed that a while ago (if anyone hasn’t seen this superb post, GO READ IT NOW) about the Vietnamese diaspora, and I think there’s some of that in every country. How do the immigrants feel about the home country? Why did they leave: because of hard times, poverty? Political instability/revolution/war? Opportunities overseas? Are they doing well in their new home, or still struggling? Does their new country treat them like foreigners or outcasts, unworthy of even arriving, or doing anything besides menial labor, or have they been welcomed (rather unlikely)? Do they hate their home country (politically), or miss them? Would they ever go back, not just to visit family or the place of their birth, but to return permanently?

I think on the whole, hetalia nations would still maintain a connection to their immigrants, especially since most are still in touch with their culture, although they’ve crossed borders or changed nationalities. (However, the angst of not being as in touch with your culture as you think you should is so real; would our home countries be disappointed? Or do they sympathize, somehow?) In the end, we’re all the same that way. Plus, the alternative thought of them just disowning immigrants feels weird; I don’t even know how that would be possible. But I think that connection gets complicated by the reason people left, and their feelings for their place of origin; I’ll be using APH China and Chinese Americans as an example to discuss this hksdgsdf (sorry I don’t want to do more research than necessary and I have Thoughts about this)

**OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER that immigration/diaspora discussions are almost always case by case and will vary greatly based on things like country of origin/race/ethnicity, country immigrated to, initial socioeconomic status, time period, etc. And even among diaspora, people can and will have vastly different experiences, and it’s not good to generalize. These are just some thoughts with one example.**

1. Waves of Immigration 

Depending on when people arrive, they’ve got different push/pull factors drawing them to a country and it also factors into how the nation feels about them and vice versa... Chinese immigration to the US has mostly two major waves (you could also say there were 3, counting the post-WWII/Communist China wave, but I won’t talk about that): one in the mid 1800s and the other after the 1970s/1980s into modern day; the gap is because the Chinese Exclusion Act (1882) that banned most immigration from China wasn’t repealed until 1943 (because of Japan’s attack on the US in WWII, the US needed China as an ally).

IMMIGRATION WAVE 1: MID 1800s

These immigrants were mostly from southern China (Canton area), and they came to the US because of hard times (Opium Wars + political instability because of things like the Taiping Rebellion) and economic opportunity in the West (eg. Gold Rush (San Francisco is literally “Old Gold Mountain” in Chinese today) + industrialization, railroads, expansion etc.). There was Much Discrimination against those immigrants, and many worked as hard laborers in a variety of occupations (on railroads, gold mine, farms (in the South esp), laundry businesses; there were merchants as well, but they were the minority); many were looking to get some money that they could send back to their families in China and planned to return, but over time, they settled down and stayed. I think for those immigrants, Yao would definitely be understanding, even if he might not be empathetic. After all, he’s not thriving at that time either, and although he thinks Alfred is inferior to him (in many ways), he understands why people would be drawn by economic promise and quick wealth, even if it might not be the best strategy for getting rich. It’s not like staying in China would be better lmao. However, I don’t think he would approve (?) how many of his immigrants stayed in the US when most viewed it as a temporary move; I think Yao is very surprised by how so many of them persisted to carve out a home there, despite the discrimination and limited opportunities. Perhaps he admires their resilience, the creation of Chinatowns and community and how they still come to a country that doesn’t even let them in (see the San Francisco Fire of 1906 and the boon for paper sons), but still wishes they would come back, however unlikely that hope is. Personally, Yao would never be able to stay in Alfred’s country, the beautiful country, if Alfred’s hypocrisy prevented his experience, his immigrant’s experience, from being anything close to beautiful. (You were founded by immigrants and foreigners, but now you spurn them: the poor sojourners who continue to flee to your shores, and refuse them respite from the disasters at home.) And anyways, Alfred is just the next scrappy young upstart, barely 70 years old but with a swagger like he rules the world; how could he have something over himself, the Middle Kingdom, who has stood the test of time? (Admittedly, he’s doing nowhere as well as Alfred—even he can see that, despite his pride, and despite the haze of opium in his brain. Leaving is the logical, objectively sound choice. Still, his pride hurts vaguely when he thinks how his immigrants keep choosing a country that keeps rejecting them, over and over again, instead of himself. But it is no matter. The injury to his ego is inconsequential and easily brushed aside; for they are still his people, and they deserve a good life, wherever they are. His distaste for Alfred flares up again: Arthur’s bastard child, who takes advantage of his trade (see the Open Door Notes, 1899-1900), but refuses his people.)

if anyone wants more context or is interested in the history I mentioned, I highly recommend this pdf (from the book A Different Mirror: A History of Multicultural America by Ronald Takaki)

IMMIGRATION FROM 1949 TO 1980: according to Wikipedia, there was very little immigration from mainland China during this period due to the Cold War and China becoming Communist; most of the immigration was from Taiwan/ROC but counted in the quota for China. Since there’s a separate Hetalia personification for TWN, I’m not going to go over that. However, there were also many people from Mainland China who escaped to Hong Kong, still a British colony, during that period (I hope it’s clear why, but if anyone asks I’ll put it in a separate post); some stayed there, while others emigrated to the US; both trips were for more freedoms and a better life etc because China was really really messed up for a bit (also keep in mind the people emigrating all had the means to and were at least middle class, usually somewhat educated, etc.). I will not be talking about that group either because I don’t think it’s my place to, but please know they exist as well.

IMMIGRANT WAVE 2: 1980s ONWARD

A lot of people came from mainland China for education; there was also an. exodus of intellectuals following 1989 (which I Will Not get into). Many of these people sought job opportunities, like those that rapidly opened up in the computer industry, there are many students who come here to study abroad, who take SATs and TOEFLs to get into good US colleges or to conduct graduate research and get PhDs; some stay, others have gone back to like, advance China’s development (this sentiment of getting good students to go abroad and then go back to China to use their talents for Patriotic Purposes isn’t a new thing, stretches back to like the late 1800s). I don’t really have much to say about this group besides what’s below ↓. 

2. Immigrant Thoughts On Their Home Country

more complicated, because it varies by generation and time period and probably 203943 other things. Mainlanders that came over starting in the 1990s till now have relatively positive feelings towards China (imo, extrapolating from my life experiences); I think part of that is also because most* of these immigrants aren’t really escaping from something? They’re coming for an education/job opportunities (students studying abroad in the US (留学生 or liuxuesheng) for graduate school or university come to mind as one example), and they’re still very much connected to China politically and culturally, sometimes* more so than to the US. For these immigrants, I think Yao doesn’t worry too much about them? They’re pretty successful* overall*, and discrimination, although still A Large Problem™, isn’t the same from stuff that Yao (or his immigrants) remember from, say the mid 1800s (see above), or even during the paranoia about Communists after WWII and the subsequent Chinese Confession Program that made many people really scared of being deported. (Red China made Chinese Americans a target of the Communist panic, and the confession program was instated in order to make sure Communist spies couldn’t infiltrate the US. Those who immigrated illegally could confess that and gain citizenship; however you also had to weed out everyone you knew who also immigrated illegally.) I think Yao would see them as an extension of himself in a different land; they’re very much still part of him, and he gives them his well wishes.

However, I think that immigrants born in the US in modern day at least (1990s onwards) are definitely more ambivalent about China’s legacy + modern day Issues™, as much as we are connected via culture and heritage. Not quite sure how Yao would feel about that, because I’m not quite sure how much Yao is the state and how much he represents the people. However, I think there would be some mutual unease; does he see this as betrayal of some kind? Perhaps he doesn’t blame us for feeling as we do? Maybe he wonders what we feel about him; maybe he doesn’t want to know. Maybe he chooses the easier route: to focus on the bonds between him and his huayi instead of the grievances, and leave the rest unsaid. 

Additionally with first gen immigrants, there’s the conflicting feeling of being stuck between two worlds and value systems that oppose each other in many respects. Also there’s sometimes a feeling of not-quite-being-in-touch-with-your-culture (in other diaspora as well, ofc. here it’s often exemplified by forgetting or not knowing how to read and write Chinese proficiently, among other things 🙃); idk. does Yao see that as a bit of a disappointment? Would he wish us to try harder? Does he view it as inevitable, for those raised in the US; the environment is too different, and perhaps he won’t blame us for those differences, or shortcomings. Does Yao know, or care, about the racism? What about his immigrants who try to assimilate completely into American culture, who try to erase the Chinese part of their identity? Those that have tried it, but regretted it? Are they still his, when they have tried rejecting their connection to him, choosing to drop the “Chinese” from Chinese American? Does he consider racism when thinking about them? What about international adoptees? Does he claim them, when some have not been raised in a culturally Chinese environment, and when it’s still a sensitive subject on both sides of the ocean? I don’t have answers to many of these questions.

There are also immigrants who fled China because of war or persecution or upheaval, (one example is with regards to the Cultural Revolution), but I don’t feel qualified to discuss it here, and I don’t want to take it lightly.

But, despite everything I’ve discussed above, I’d like to think that however an immigrant feels about their home country or however long they’ve been there, all nation personifications would still wish them a better life (even Yao). I mean, it’s not always easy being an immigrant/part of a diaspora (especially when race becomes a factor). I really don’t think any of the hetalia characters would say “look at your struggles. What a mistake it was to immigrate somewhere where you still face so many challenges, although they might be different from the ones back home”. that’s just No. Also, I think that when you disregard sentimentality and their inherent connection to the people, countries would still be able to sympathize with people trying to strive for better, you know? People immigrate for a better life, whether it’s because it was getting rough when they left or because other places had more potential, and like. although nation-people can’t leave their own country, I think they understand the people who do, because it’s a chance to make a new life, and it would be unkind, counterproductive, limiting, to prevent someone from taking that opportunity if it came. And their children, and grandchildren; they are still connected to their origins even in a new country, by blood if nothing else, and nations are people too; they must have some sentimentality for their people born in a different land. I’d like to think that if Yao met a Chinese American kid running around San Francisco’s Chinatown, or bumped into an ABC high schooler in a well to do Massachusetts suburb, he’d stop and nod and maybe say hello, and wish them luck, wherever they go in the future. After all, they are the products of his immigrant’s hopes and dreams, and they are his too, as much as they live in Alfred’s land.

* (asterisks): this is a) from my experience and research; not everyone will have the same experiences! please keep this in mind and don’t generalize a very vast group of people. :)

Idk if that was too sentimental or rambly or something, but yeah, those are some of the things I consider when I think about nations and their diasporas. If you made it down here, thanks for reading! I greatly appreciate it. Also I hope I got all my facts correct, but if anyone spots anything incorrect, especially regarding the post 1980s immigration wave, please tell me! Tried doing my research but there are still a few things I’m unsure about rip. 

This might be deleted tomorrow because I’m feeling weird about it, but feel free to reblog! I’d also very much love some feedback too if any of y’all are feeling up to it

[aurorawest]

[this ask contains ep 3 Loki spoilers, please don’t read or answer if you have not seen the episode yet!]

HI! Sorry for that but I’d hate to ruin anything for anyone! I was just curious how many similarities you see between the Loki in your fics (whose characterisation I love!!) and the Loki in the Disney + show? And what are they? I was also curious if you see any traits of your Loki reflected in Sylvie, I know personally during episode 3 when Sylvie lost her temper and just screamed with her magic that reminded me a little bit of the more 2013 era Loki and I was wondering if you could see your Loki doing something like that? Perhaps if he were to get frustrated by Thors self sacrificing nature and he isn’t quite sure how to express his worry so he just feels anger?

SORRY! Super long ask and kinda confusing I hope it makes sense

Oh gosh, so many similarities. Like...to the point where I'm like, are the showrunners reading my fic? JOKE, JOKE, I KNOW THEY AREN'T.

From a general character perspective, the show matches up really, really well with my version of him in my main fic verse, IMO. Honestly, I should watch the episodes again and make a list, because full disclosure, I've only watched each of them once. Anyway here's what I can think of without watching them all again:

The idea that his villainy is an illusion and a role he feels he has to play

The speechifying being related to playing this part

He doesn't enjoy hurting people

He's actually super sarcastic and funny all the time, and that his sense of humor is quite dark

He's mischievous! And a little shit a lot of the time, too

That he loves his family and Asgard very very much

Related, he has the capacity to care about people, like Mobius

His tendency to start talking and then just like...not stop. I have a number of instances where he does this in my fic

That part where he cries when he finds out about Ragnarok and then goes to Mobius and is like, yeah it's really sad, whatevs—that refusal to let people see who he really is or how he really feels

He's tech savvy. I have a scene in one of my upcoming fics where he works out how to drive a manual car in about three minutes. And just like, generally speaking, I make him capable of figuring out how to use stuff. Tbh this is less of a character similarity and more of a handwave, but it is a similarity.

There are also really specific things, like:

His speech patterns—though he's actually a bit more informal than I write him, saying 'cool' and 'yeah' and whatnot, which I'm now trying to incorporate more, haha

Specific physical mannerisms. When he leans against the lockers with his arms crossed over his chest in episode 2? His feet up on Mobius's desk? His fidgeting with the Tesseract? I write stuff like that all the time. Also: his little wave to the security dude he chucks out the window, that's literally in the chapter I just posted (and it was not something I added, it's from the original draft)

When Sylvie says 'love is hate' and he gets the quill out, mocking her? Wrote something very similar about a month ago:

“‘Not the worst idea.’” Strange smiled. “Put that on my tombstone. Here lies Stephen Vincent Strange: one time, he came up with an idea that Loki thought wasn’t the worst.”

Loki laughed and conjured a notebook and pen from his pocket dimension. Very seriously and laboriously, he began writing, then said, “Sorry, could you repeat that? I want to get it down so I don’t make any mistakes. You can check my spelling when I’m done.”

Loki speaking Latin

Loki's relationship with Mobius so far is very similar to the dynamic that I write between Loki and Strange. And I know I don't have the vast majority of that stuff posted yet, but it's like...yeah. I love Mobius and I love the dynamic between him and Loki but at the same time, it's immensely frustrating, because I want it to be Stephen and it's how I write the two of them, haha

"Love is a dagger" is a metaphor I wrote (full disclosure, not in those exact words) over a year ago in a scene close to the end of The General Mess and Imprecision of Feeling

His teariness

I know I'm forgetting things because I'm constantly thinking, 'omg I wrote that in X fic' as I'm watching the episodes, but that's off the top of my head.

I don't really see a lot of my Loki's traits reflected in Sylvie, no, beyond like, the sarcasm and the sass. She's definitely a much harder character than my Loki, who has, after all, been through his redemption arc in the MCU.

Though, re: Sylvie's scream, I absolutely wrote Loki screaming in frustration recently (before the ep aired, too):

Loki bit his lip. Ah. Right. Yes. He had turned off his phone after the visit to the Sanctum, because he hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone. He’d actually taken The Bifrost off Earth, flown all the way past the twin dwarf planets Pluto and Charon and into the Oort Cloud. There, he’d put the ship on autopilot to avoid any stray ice chunks, spun around in his chair, and screamed himself hoarse.

Had it helped? Debatable. Briefly, perhaps. It had made his throat hurt.

I just noticed the 'Did that help?' language is echoed here too, haha. Swear to god, I wrote this like 2-3 weeks ago.

Thanks for asking!

[skeletalroses]

I was going to submit this anonymously to one of the bigger aspec blogs but it got so long that I’d feel like a pain in the ass. I’m posting this because I’ve recently landed in a bit of a difficult situation in the vein of Just Aroace Things, and I’m not sure what to do or even how to feel. I’m hoping to get some advice from the community re: a topic that comes up from time to time---navigating roommate/housing situations as an aroace, particularly when your potential roommate’s romance fucks you over.

I met my best friend, A, our sophomore year of college when we got paired up via roommate lottery. We clicked right away and had a blast living together. Unfortunately it only lasted a year, since the best option for my major was to transfer to another campus while for her it was best to stay put. We’ve known each other for nine years now and live in different states, but we visit regularly and had always talked about living together again once we both moved away from our parents.

I’m aroace, sex- and romance-repulsed. A is super considerate and supportive of this. She even discovered recently that she’s demisexual (which she learned about while researching the symbolism of the asexual flag! On her own, completely unprompted! Because she thought it would help her understand me more! See? Super supportive!). She is, however, very, very alloromantic. Up until now this has just been one more facet of our overall odd-couple dynamic (I’m an Addams and she’s a Disney fairy), which has always been something we’ve laughed at and reveled in.

A couple months ago, however, A moved out of her parents’ place and in with her boyfriend of a few years. I’m still with my parents, which suits me fine for the time being, but I eventually want to move out. Like I said, A and I have long talked about living together. We never made any specific plans, but I’ve asked her before to verify that yes, this is a thing we’re both Actually down to do when the time’s right. But that was a good while ago, before she moved in with Boyfriend. We visited last weekend and I brought up the subject again, because I’ve been unsure about it since that whole development.

“Feel free to say no; I won’t be offended; I just want to know how my options stand at this point. We’ve talked in the past about rooming together again. With Boyfriend in the picture now, is that still on the table?”

A’s answer: “Boyfriend has a lot of anxiety, so probably not. Sorry. He doesn’t even like having his family stay over. You’re welcome to stay a few days but not for like weeks on end.”

This was a calm conversation had over cocktails in the mall. She asked to make sure my parents weren’t threatening to kick me out or anything; I assured her that they weren’t, and I wasn’t moving anytime soon, and it’s okay that my rooming with her is out.

Only I’m not that okay with it. I wasn’t confident she’d say yes, but I did kind of think it was likely, and moreover I’m realizing how much I was unconsciously banking on that plan. I’ve been sans income during the pandemic, and I have a fuckton of economic anxiety to begin with. A’s a STEM major in a big city who easily found a solidly-paying job right out of college. She gets promotions and raises and shit. I’m a humanities major in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere where all my impressive qualifications (which I do have) can’t get me anything with a living wage below management level, let alone something in my field. And I’m never going to have that built-in cohabitant in the form of a romantic or sexual partner that allos like A can take for granted. A was the person I could split costs with so as to maybe live semi-decently with someone compatible. Without her, my chances of having that have plummeted.

And it’s all because she got a romosexual partner. This guy who’s known her half as long as I have; who never worked her through the trials and eventual breakup of her previous long-term, engaged-to-be-engaged relationship; who has himself caused her massive amounts of grief, suffering, and sometimes outright danger through his inability to competently handle the drama in his personal life that should never have touched her, all while her mother would write letters to me asking me to come visit because, actual quote, A only smiles when I’m around. He was the reason she would be too depressed to function, and I had to long-distance therapize her through it even though she refused to take the basic step of leaving this grown-ass man at least until he got his shit together, because “he needs me.”

It’s like this dude calls the shots in A’s and my relationship now. I hadn’t seen her in seven months because every time we planned a weekend to hang out, it’d get canceled because Boyfriend wanted to go see his family or something (and he can’t do that without her, I fucking guess). Even this last visit got cut down to overnight when it was supposed to be the long weekend, because Boyfriend wanted to make other plans. And now my best option for future living arrangements is apparently down the shitter because of him. It’d have been one thing if A doesn’t want to live with me anymore because she and he need their allo space or whatever the fuck couples do (still amatonormative and lousy for me). But as far as I understand, it’s not even that. It’s not her. It’s Boyfriend. A and I can be planning something for the two of us for weeks, for months, for years, then it all goes away in a minute because ehh, it kinda cramps Boyfriend’s style. I’m, as A called me, her “best friend soulmate.” I Was Here First. I never fucking made her cry. But I can’t kiss her or fuck her, so I automatically take a backseat to the one who can. I don’t need to be her Number One, but I don’t appreciate being pushed aside at Boyfriend’s every whim.

A, I’m sure, doesn’t realize how it looks from my angle. I know she cares about me and doesn’t want me to feel devalued. She’s just an oblivious alloro. I’m not even sure Boyfriend’s intentionally hogging her. (To be clear, I don’t think he’s a bad person; I’ve only met him a handful of times but I reliably clock my friends’ truly shitty partners on less. I haven’t heard about any crises in the past year or so, so I guess he’s finally managing his baggage well enough that A’s life can go smoothly and not suck.) I’m not unsympathetic to anxiety either; I’m chronically mentally ill and I’ve had my share. And I get we’re little more than strangers at this point. But I hate that he can just singlehandedly veto me and A rooming together ever. It’s much more of a blow to my likely quality of life than he or A---or tbh even I did, before this point---realize.

I hate feeling like I’m being jealous and needy. Maybe A just genuinely likes him better and it’s not only an amatonormative thing. I know I’m not entitled to live with her; it’s not like we promised or anything. But the option getting shut down really made me realize how much I resent not having it, and how much I kind of resent Boyfriend in general.

Which brings me to the asking-for-advice part, to the maybe two people who’ve read this far. Aspecs on here have talked about how amatonormativity fucks over single people and especially aros in terms of housing and life in general. Has anyone dealt with a situation like mine? How do you manage the amatonormative behavior of people in your life snatching your prospects out from under you, or feeling like it has? Is my reaction even reasonable? If so, how should I bring it up to A? This would be the closest thing we’ve ever had to a conflict, and also I’m...not great at being vulnerable. I can’t even vagueblog about these topics because my social media presence is limited to Tumblr and hers to Facebook. Hell, maybe I should just forget it for now, since I’m not changing housing anytime soon anyway, and cross that bridge when I get to it. I wouldn’t ask her to leave him, since their relationship seems to be going a lot smoother than it had been. But goddamn, am I filled with aroace salt about this.

[yukipri]

I wonder, for the mermaid au- what is kid's part to play with it all?

Alright, so on Eustass Kid in the Mermaid AU.

I thought about how best to answer this, and tbh, I’m going to say I unfortunately Don’t Know atm ^ ^; The AU parallels canon in a lot of ways, and while Kid has a growing role in Wano, he’s only appeared here and there up till then. And even IN Wano, up to the latest chapters, it’s a bit unclear how large a role he’ll play in the main storyline.

A few thoughts on the limited interactions we’ve had between him and Lu so far though:

-Kid is one of those who really, REALLY doesn’t give a flying fuck that Lu’s a girl and mermaid. He sees her as an equal and a rival, one he’ll have to shove out of his way so he can become Pirate King, the same as every single one of the other Supernovas. He does not treat her any differently from canon.

-As a result, they still absolutely bicker and compete over who can eat more and work harder at the Udon prison camp, while also being on the exact same wavelength to the point they can communicate nonverbally. And when nearby prisoners worry whether the pretty mermaid girl can handle the hard labor, Kid scoffs and says what a joke, she’d hardly be worthy of being his rival if she couldn’t handle a little rock smashing.

-But of course, even if Kid doesn’t see her as anything more or less than his equal pirate who’s gotten a step up on him by beating Doflamingo and pissing off Big Mom, that doesn’t mean others see her that way too.

-Kid’s not exactly the model of a pure moral compass and the thought of him acting as a white knight and Luffy being his damsel in distress gives him HIVES--But, when he hears prison guards making lewd comments about her, and mentioning maybe kneading some drugs into her dango, he does NOT take kindly to that. Straw Hat is HIS prey to beat up when they’re both at full strength, outsiders had better keep their fuckin’ meddling out of it!

-He is NOT concerned for Luffy or anything--Gross!--but perhaps, a few nights into their shared cell life, when he sees her teeth chattering in her sleep, looking a bit blue and curled into a tight ball in their shared stone cell...and perhaps, when he sees the prison guards leering at her exposed skin visible through her tattered kimono...perhaps he sits a little closer than is strictly necessary. So close, in fact, Straw Hat ends up underneath his fluffy feather cloak, pressed directly into his side, tucked under where his missing arm would have been. 

-Fuck, she really IS cold, is it a mer thing??

-Kid usually hates when someone other than Killer is close to his vulnerable side, especially when he’s got fuckin’ seastone cuffs on and can’t make himself a metal replacement arm. He tells himself this is really Weird and Uncomfortable, and that there’s certainly nothing Nice about having a definitely-not-really-actually-kinda-cute mermaid invading his personal space. Straw Hat is all muscle and scrawny limbs with bumps that are freakishly soft that Kid definitely doesn’t want to touch more, and her tail’s not at all slimy like he imagined and--Kid’s keeping his hand to himself. She’s also tiny compared to Kid, and looks misleadingly fragile, and Kid could easily scoop her up with his one hand to put her on his lap and he’d hardly feel a thing--Kid keeps his hand to himself.

-BUT, he’s not going to move either. This is HIS favorite spot in the stupid cell, he was here first, and if someone should move it’s gotta be Straw Hat, who has no right to look so comfortable smushed against someone as dangerous as Kid. Kid ain’t moving though, that would be losing, and he gives ground to no one. Kid nods at his own fine reasoning.

-And then morning comes and the prison guards come banging on their door to get them up to work, and Kid’s awake but doesn’t move until Luffy slowly emerges from his plumage like a tiny animal coming out from its burrow, rubbing her eyes and still definitely mostly out of it, her tail slowly unwinding from where it’d wrapped around Kid’s torso sometime during the night. Kid doesn’t miss its warmth. And then she blinks up at Kid, recognition sparking in her big eyes that are really awfully BIG now that Kid sees them at this hyper close range, what the fuck he can see all the flecks of brown and gold in them. But she doesn’t look particularly alarmed, not like she really should be in this situation, and instead just stretches and gently bumps her cheek against Kid’s chest with a quiet Mornin’ before sliding out of Kid’s cloak, like this is completely normal.

-Kid refuses to act disoriented while Luffy’s calm, because that sorta feels like losing. Losing what, he has no clue.

-They’re completely back to their usual during the day, and they both still eat dango until they look like fat hamsters. And Kid maybe notices fewer disgusting comments towards Luffy that day, and when he sees people looking at her and glares at them, they look away a lot faster than they did before. He doesn’t really care beyond thinking Good, the guards have actually begun to fear Kid like they should have from the beginning, until he overhears the guards who came to wake them that morning gossiping in a corner.

-Shit, they say. Turns out Straw Hat’s Eustass Kid’s woman.

-And Kid snorts because that’s both hilarious and outrageous, him and Straw Hat being together like that is absolutely absurd and disgusting--but hey, he’s a busy man. He’s not gonna go out of his way to correct the idiots, especially when it means less harassment directed at his oblivious rival. No, he doesn’t feel smug or satisfied, or a hint of a really weird, freaky warm feeling he doesn’t dare linger on. Nope.

-And at night they’re back in their cell, going to sleep in their respective Spots, and a few minutes later, Straw Hat’s snoring inside Kid’s cloak once more.

-(the thought crosses Kid’s mind that Straw Hat’s so casual about being snuggly because this is normal to her, and it actually bothers Kid a lot more than it has any right to. Maybe she actually does sleep next to someone every damn night? Is it her crew, like that fellow Supernova swordsman? Is it one of her brothers, that sadistic Revolutionary, or Portgas, who’s definitely somehow still alive and marines are stupid to think he’s not? Is it fuckin’ TRAFALGAR, the damn pirate who formed an alliance with her before Kid could???)

-(and when they’re out, maybe Killer notes that Kid’s eyes always seem to be tracking Luffy, and it’s not just heated rivalry in his gaze. Kid tells his partner to shut the fuck up and mind his own business, and then Killer cackles, his laughter genuine for once, and Kid can’t quite get himself to actually shut him up. No, he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night missing a certain warmth at his side)

wow I didn’t mean to type all of that but it just sorta came out, did any of y’all come out of this shipping KidLu more than u thought, bc I sure did just typing this out LMAOOOOO

(Kid’s level of denial almost makes Law’s look cute. *insert Spiderman meme* Kid & Law pointing fingers at each other shouting YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH STRAW HAT--NO I’M NOT, YOU--NO HEY FUCK U--Meanwhile Killer’s in the bg laughing at them with Luffy on his lap)

(Also I know the 3 Supernovas Law x Luffy x Kid is a good OT3 and one I love as well, but may I also suggest Kid x Luffy x Killer as another wonderful OT3)

❀ ❀ Send YukiPri an Ask! ❀ ❀

~This ask has been added to the Mermaid AU Text Headcanons Compilation post~

[kuiinncedes]

and you knew what it was

author’s note: i don’t know what the fuck this is i was bored at the beginning of my break lol and i wrote some stuff based on a prompt list and a random number generator that gave me “here, drink this. you’ll feel better” and it kinda like ,, grew ,, into a lot

i’ve been sitting on this first part pretty much completed for a while and i think i want to just post it and i have two other “parts” that are sorta connected and idk yeah lmao they’re in progress rn and hopefully i can finish them soon if i post this one i just feel kinda stuck rn :P anyway idk lol i like this part tho hopefully i don’t change anything massively in the other two that would have to change something here XD

basically 1539 words of shadowhunter!quinntina hurt/comfort (or an attempt at it) maybe like sort of warning for mention of death and injury tbh am i trying too hard to be a ya fantasy writer lmao

title from “you are in love” by taylor swift <3

as always lmk if anyone wants any shadowhunter things to be explained lol :P

***

“Here, drink this,” Tina says, voice shaky and quiet, unsure. “You’ll feel better.” She helps Quinn sit up a little and slowly drink the whole glass of… something.

Quinn wrinkles her nose at the aftertaste coating her tongue and throat. “What was that?” Her shoulders are propped up against her pillow, and she awkwardly tries to situate herself somewhat upright. 

Tina shrugs, setting the cup aside. “Something Mike whipped up. Said it should help your strength and energy a little?” She crosses her arms, lightly gripping the fabric of her shirt at her sides—hugging herself.

“Mike needs to add some sugar or something,” Quinn tries in a joking tone. Tina smiles slightly but won’t really make eye contact with her.

The room falls silent and Quinn watches Tina, recognizes the expression on her face, her defeated posture, her smaller, quiet demeanor. Her outfit—a lot darker than what she’s often in these days, when she’s not in black gear. 

And Quinn remembers a few months ago, when Mercedes had her own complicated encounter with demon poison. She remembers how Tina cares, how she loves, how beautifully, how much. 

“Hey,” she says softly, and Tina finally looks up to meet her eyes. “Mike and the Silent Brothers said I stand a good chance for full recovery, right? So no tears,” Quinn urges gently. 

Tina huffs a light laugh and wipes under her eyes. “No promises,” she says hoarsely. Quinn wiggles her fingers and Tina releases the hand clutching tightly at her side and obligingly takes Quinn’s, who squeezes reassuringly.

Tina keeps sniffling though, and it seems to be getting louder. She covers her mouth with her free hand when Quinn looks over and says quickly, “I’m sorry, I know, sorry, it’s Kurt’s turn to see you anyway, I should go—” and starts to untangle their fingers but Quinn holds fast, squeezing again and she looks into Tina’s tear-filled eyes. 

“Come here,” Quinn says quietly.

“What?”

“Help me lay down, then get in bed with me.”

Tina pauses. “Are you—I don’t know if—”

Quinn smirks a little, starting to push herself back into a horizontal position. “I’m the one who’s injured, and I’m cold and I need my girlfriend close to steal her warmth, okay?”

Tina swallows and nods a little, replies barely above a whisper, “Okay.”

Once Quinn is lying down comfortably, Tina climbs under the blanket, facing her. Quinn tucks a strand of black hair behind her ear, wiping some of Tina’s still-coming tears as she retracts her hand. 

Tina holds her wrist, lightly, almost only with the tips of her fingers, and presses a soft kiss to her palm. She lets out a slight chuckle. “Shouldn’t I be the one taking care of you?”

Her tone is lighthearted but bitter and Quinn brushes her fingers through Tina’s hair. Her eyelids flutter, half closed, and she releases a small, comforted breath.

“You’ve definitely already done a fair amount of taking care of me. And I’m fine,” Quinn assures, and she really is fine, aside from the fact that she just missed a few days being knocked out from the worst kind of demon poison and she’s still feeling the effects of that, probably will be for a while, but that’s getting out of her system now, and with its complete departure her strength (and ability to move without pain) should also return, if Silent Brother healing magic and knowledge is to be trusted. “On the other hand, you look like you haven’t slept in days.” And knowing Tina, it’s all too possible that she hasn’t.

Tina shrugs a little. “Maybe.”

“Do I need to call Kurt in here to tell me?”

“Fine,” Tina grumbles halfheartedly. “I haven’t.”

But do you blame me? is her unasked—and unanswered—question. 

(Quinn doesn’t.)

Quinn tilts her chin forward a little to kiss Tina’s nose gently. “Go to sleep,” she says.

“Here? I shouldn’t—Kurt wants to see you,” Tina starts and Quinn shushes her again.

“Yes, here. Kurt will live without it, he knows I’m okay.” And Quinn knows Kurt is okay, and presumably will understand Tina staying for longer if he’s been around her the past few days. 

She just hopes—knows, really—that Kurt has helped Tina, that they help each other. They’ve always been close on account of being the two who could always be found awake in the latest hours of night, talking to each other and recently, working on designs and drawings together.

But it’s still different right now, for these past few days, and Quinn thinks that if either of them slept at all, it wasn’t much. Especially Tina. Kurt had the parabatai bond’s assurance while Quinn’s been out. Tina had Kurt’s assurance, but it still couldn’t have been as good as knowing it herself. And at night, Kurt had the bond as an extra layer of assurance when he went to sleep, but Tina didn’t, and Quinn knows how Tina’s worry keeps her up sometimes, and how she sometimes chooses energy runes instead when she knows something is weighing on her mind too much for her to sleep.

“You need sleep, love,” Quinn whispers, and she feels the resistance fade from Tina’s body. She pulls her closer, tucking Tina’s head under her chin.

“I missed you,” Tina says with a small gasp, voice cracking a little in desperation. “I’m so sorry.” Quinn can feel her tears on her collarbone and she hates it—hates that she’s the reason Tina’s crying and she can’t do anything about it because she was unconscious and on the verge of death for three days and then the Silent Brothers kept people away for a few more and Tina didn’t know how she was for a week, and Quinn really just woke up again and she’s mostly fine and she feels fine but Tina hasn’t slept for days and Quinn understands.

“It’s not your fault. And I won’t ever leave you,” Quinn promises. 

“You can’t say that for sure.” 

“Shh,” Quinn breathes, thinking about both statements. Tina’s right, she can’t say it for sure, and she knows that. With their life and what they do every day, it’s the most unsure thing in the world. Even just a week ago, she could’ve died if the demon’s stinger had gone in a little higher, she could’ve died if there were any more of them left, she could’ve died if Tina wasn’t there. Tina could’ve died if Quinn wasn’t there. (Would have, a voice in the back of her head creeps in, less than a breath, and she suppresses the shiver that it brings.)

But if Quinn has any control over it at all, it will be true. She tells Tina as much. “I won’t leave you,” she says again, quietly but as vehemently as she can, and Tina relaxes a tiny bit in her arms. 

And then for the other thing. “And there’s no way it’s your fault, okay?”

“If I wasn’t so fucking careless, you would be fine—”

“You didn’t push me into a demon’s stinger, did you?” Quinn continues to run her fingers through Tina’s hair. “You didn’t take its poison and inject it into my body. And you were killing the other ones. We could both be dead if you weren’t, okay?” Her tone is more blunt than probably necessary and she brushes Tina’s temple slightly in apology.

Tina burrows her face deeper and Quinn knows she’s winning, if only because Tina’s tired. But she needs her to know…. “It would never be your fault,” Quinn whispers. “Ever. Tell me you know that.”

After a second, Tina nods. “Yeah,” she says in a small voice. “Okay.”

Quinn can tell Tina isn’t completely convinced, but it’s a conversation for another time, another day when Tina isn’t running on a ridiculously small amount of sleep and probably an unhealthy number of energy runes, and only just coming down from the emotional rollercoaster of the past week. 

Quinn presses a kiss to the top of Tina’s head. “Go to sleep, love,” she says again. 

“Wake me up if I hurt you,” Tina breathes, on the cusp of sleep. 

Quinn smiles, runs her hand up and down Tina’s arm. “You won’t,” she promises, voice hushed.

It’s a testament to just how exhausted Tina must be that her breathing evens out within a few seconds, and her body is still and loose from exhaustion, mind finally quieted, for now, close to Quinn and reassured, and Quinn continues to rub her girlfriend’s arm gently and thinks.

She thinks about the word she just used—twice, and for the first time. Not the first time in her head, but the first time out loud. But unlike countless other times when she’s questioned her decisions and even after so many that have hurt her, so many choices that have led her astray—led her heart astray… she knows it’s right this time. Now, here, in her room, in the Institute that changed her life for the better, her family within the building’s glamoured walls, next to the one person she would always want to be next to, she doesn’t need to question it. And she closes her eyes and follows Tina into a hopefully peaceful sleep.

[weaselbeaselpants]

I have a lot to say and not enough time to say it. It hurts, but ya’ll know what this is about so if you want my full fandom retrospective opinion thing guys, here.

I’ve been following Vivienne’s art and career since I found her on dA in 2009. I’ve basically grown up with her and have a wide range of opinions up and down her collective work. I must stress that I do not know her as a person and no matter how critical I get in my personal time if I somehow met her in real life or converse with her online again (like, back in the day we went back and forth. She was pretty nice to me), I’d be humble and congratulate her for her success.

Critique does not, EVER equate to attacking people.

But

the reason I don’t call myself a VivziePopVivzmind-fan is the exact same as to why I don’t like the proud use of ‘anti’. Let me try and explain -

The vast majority of Viv fans are just that: fans. Viv’s one of their favorite artists and they’re happy for her and obviously defensive when some mouth breather pops into their fan discussion calling her and all of them trash. Quite a lot of the Hazbin fans I know in my circle of friends are all pretty accepting and agree on the problematic notions and implications of her work.

HOWEVER, there’s a vocal minority in the VivziePop fandom that were and still are toxic. Their specific interest in Viv back in the day was toxic...and now that she’s moved on into a successful career I doubt they’ve gone away, considering the things I’ve heard. These people - they’d flood Viv’s comments sections and stuff with messages like they were talking to her when they weren’t and they’d unironically call her a god in a way that feels like gaslighting, ex: “I’ll NEVER be as good as you Viv! My art is just sooooo unpopular oh god you are incredible no one will ever like you as much as meeeee”. It made me uncomfortable. It made me not want to be around her because these people took Viv’s role in their lives so seriously and their demand for her attention...it struck a nerve.

These same fans have been around long enough to see actual shitlords - the likes of Kiwifarms and tapatalk wikis - come in and actually harass Viv. Viv’s been sent revenge porn by sick freaks who think they’re funny and believe she deserves it. No. In my non-name fan bystander opinion, Viv’s got some shit to work on, but no one deserves raperevenge porn. EVER. It was genuinely bad and yes Viv and her base have every reason to NOT TRUST these communities. Unfortunately, when these incidents happened, these particular fans took it upon themselves to gatekeep the fandom and act like Viv’s unofficial guard against any kind of decenting opinion of her, all without her say so.

((to the critics who will be all “but Viv or Faust said THIS to their fans-”, like I said, Viv’s far from perfect but regardless of how much she prolly wanted people to side with her I’m gonna guess that she didn’t want people sending transphobic death threats to DollCreep. Again, and this is coming from a bystander here, I have a feeling Viv knows about some of the toxicity but doesn’t know how/want to address it - which is a conversation all it’s own.))

This particular breed of VivziePop “fan” holds so much toxicity in her fandom(s). They aren’t the only cause, but they’re there. They feel entitled to her attention and her approval. They creep me out. Having spoken to other much-less critical admitted fans of Viv around me, these fans appear to creep everyone else out and put the rest of the fandom on edge. They’re gatekeepers. They’re creeps. Like the bronies and SU fans of yestertodayyears, they know harassment exists and that people have crossed the line - so they think any means is necessary to prevent that is automatically good. I could pile together all the incidents and folks who’ve had bad runs ins with this aftershock of Viv-obsession, but I do have a life of my own and this post is already stupid long so I’ll just list out the biggest examples and provide receipts when asked.

Critical blogs have gotten RAPE and death threats because they don’t like Viv’s art. HonestZoophobiaCriticisms, a blog I interracted with back in the day, def got one. Now Viv’s opinion of crit-blogs is that they’re “bad takes” but I can assure you she doesn’t want that shit being said on her behalf.

I’ve seen young artists get blacklisted from sites and forums cause they so much as post a redesign. Viv and co get told through the grapevine that someone’s making hatespeech and so preemptively block said person (prolly cause they’re in the middle of WORKING and can’t deal right now) only to find out after the fact that no, it was just a kid drawing their version of her characters. There’s serious miscommunication issues within the fandom about who’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and once you get the actual staff involved in this game of telephone you’re begging for trouble. The problem acknowledged, however, it’s souly from the “Viv never did anything wrong camp”. No word is said about how ugly the fandom is under the surface it’s all one type of person’s fault and not complicated’. Blah

I’ve only ever had ONE obsessive ‘fan’ who’d stalk me, mock me, and then redraw my art just to get attention from me. That shit fucked with my head. As a follower hundreds of miles away from Viv who’s agreed/disagreed with her through the years - I absolutely believe her when she says she hates ‘creeps’ and that she doesn’t want anyone in her fandom spreading hate on her behalf. It’s the one thing about her I’m POSITIVELY sure of. Whether she believes that said underlying harassment exists and/or is even a problem within her fandoms is anyone’s guess. That’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to write stupid blog entries like this, talk about fandoms and media and how they and the real world affect one another, and rb fan art I like. I’m cautiously optimistic fan with a side of salt.

Mixed opinions and critique within a fandom CAN and SHOULD exist. Hazbin Hotel has been greenlit by a studio! It has a product line of merchandise you buy. Helluva Boss is getting eight more episodes this coming year (yeeee:3yeeee). Two of Viv’s properties are now products. Nothing is immune from critique. And in critique you will find a lot of people who are not ‘nice’. Critique or analysis doesn’t have to be nice. There will be, in Viv’s words’ ‘bad takes’ on her writing. Maybe they will be actual CinemaSins-styled bad takes or maybe Viv is just mad that people don’t love and feel inspired by her characters the way she wants them to - it’s a fact she’s going to have to get used to.

((TBH, I’m pretty sure she’s already realized that criticism of all types need to exist. It’s just that, again, her and the SpindleHorse staff are kind of overwhelmed by all matter of takes and opinions coming their way they kinda can’t deal weeding out the fair ones from the assholes, so she lumps them all together.))

Shitposters, ironic fans, unironic fans, critical fans, just critics of Hazbin and Helluva CAN and WILL exist. They should exist and not feel threatened by the megafandom. There are people out there who are one step further and rightfully bothered by Hazbin/Helluva’s use of incorrect symbols, portrayal of certain topics, and the response by creators. These people have strong opinions and are actually disgusted by Viv. They deserve to exist too and should not be vilified because, like me, they’re commentary doesn’t consist of anything personal towards the people at Spindlehorse or the fans of her works. They can rant, they can be professional, they can be petty and they can be fair. But they will exist. You have to deal with it.

I am an ADD/OCD ridden autistic woman with serious anxiety issues who has no one to talk to half the time and so only HAS my fandom to communicate with. But that’s just it - it’s a fandom. A community. You have to learn to not think souly of yourself and of others in a community. A fandom doesn’t exist just for you or any one person. You have the right to be angry and defend or be offended. And it’s in the spirit of that that I ask, prrraaaaaay even, that I please

NOT BE CALLED AN “ANTI-ANTI” for not liking the moniker?!

I DON’T TO BE AN “ANTI”. Not ironically, not unironically. ‘Anti’ should be for politics and shit like pedophiles, necrophiles, nazis, serial killer stans, Trump, racists, antisemites, terfs, animal abusers, rapists, and antivaxxers. Anti should only come into critical media analysis when these ethical issues follow suit IN TO fandom discussion. ((EX: Anime and MLP proudly waving their cp and non-con into the public eye; Hazbin appropriating cultural symbols which are not satanic; Basically anything that concerns John K or Butch Hartman.))

If your DNI list unironically consists of the entirety of one fandom:  CONGLATURATIONS! You have done the exact same thing these particular creepy Viv fans have done: monopolize the conversation. And yes, people I’m referring to, IT’S STILL A PROBLEM EVEN IF YOU’RE FIGHTING RACISM/SEXISM/HOMOTRANSPHOBIA.

There are hundreds of Vivziefans who ARE more critical, accepting of faults, interested in discussion and especially rewrite and redesign stuff who would LOVE to engage with you and give you a follow. There’s hundreds of people who no doubt agree with you!

But the thing I’ve seen these very proud AntiHazbinVivzieHelluvaWhatever blogs do is lash out at fans for continuing to like Viv and consume Viv’s art in a healthy way. What the actual fuck is your problem?

I get it. Say a crazy Hazbin fan gets on your case for even SUGGESTING Viv could be homophobic ((”SHE’SBIANDWORKSWITHGAYPPLblahablahblah”)). They get in your face, make some callouts, try to rile up support against you, leave disgusting harassment throughout your social media? Absolutely ban worthy. After that it’s perfectly understandable why you don’t want to engage with anything HHHBZPVivzierelated because you’re so fucking tired of being labeled an abuser or “just jealous” for having an opinion on a show you don’t like. I’m with you!

But,

A fan agrees that something in the canon is bad or that Viv did something they don’t like?

A fan likes your silly shitpost meme?

A fan asks if they can like Hazbin and follow you at the same time? 

A fan does fan art of something you don’t like?

If your response to any of these ^^^ things is to get LOUD and accusatory, Vivsplain them about how they’re an absolutely awful person to ever question YOUR opinion, or just block them without a second thought? You’re a petty, vendictive shit and you also need to learn to let things go. I’m sorry but you do. As I already said, Viv’s work is a brand at this point, not just the work of a singular person. As such, there are gonna be mixed opinions and you can’t judge every single one of these people by what they like. You’re a shitty critic with a shitty attitude and yes that will demean the value of what you’re saying. This is bad because, if you’re trying to point out how Angel Dust’s abuse IS handled terribly; gay rep in Viv’s work is weak and terrible; the show appropriates closed practices; the fandom makes excuses for predatory artists and creepy behavior and individuals who have sketchy pasts - I’M WITH YOU. WE NEED TO BE TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT. JUST BECAUSE THESE ARE ADULT CARTOONS SET IN HELL MEANS THERE SHOULD BE ANYTHING CLOSE TO 2013 PONY-TUMBLR. <<<---- this shit is as important to me as it is to you and I really don’t like being called an abuser or apologist for saying “hey maybe blowing up at ppl for the shows they like ISN’T the way to go about this”. 

But I have, just like the good old days of 2015 Zoophobia of yore, been blocked because I admit to being tired of ‘Anti’ being equated to ‘critical’. Same with hater.

Critical DOES NOT = Anti+Hater. I’m fucking tired of people saying it does and I’m tired of people taking up the term as some weird form of fandom reappropriation. It’s stupid.

Tl;dr: Once upon a time, I was in a budding fandom for something I liked made by an indie artist I watched on dA. I wanted to be a bigger fan than I was already, but was told by toxic people within said fandom that I couldn’t be part of it for reasons they’d made up in their head about my ‘motives’ against Viv. My admiration for Viv or what I liked about Zoophobia didn’t matter because I thought the story was really rushed and people weren’t being truthful with how they really felt about it - ergo, I HAD TO GO. 

Flash forward 8 years later- My opinion of Viv’s body of work has changed but I still find myself in love with her style and some of her characters. I want to be on a forum or service that gives a healthy look at the problems there are with this series and fandom...and I’m met repeatedly by petty bs where people are again at each other’s throats. And yes, I do think it’s causing more harm than good especially when you insist there’s a “x person shouldn’t be trusted” mentality when fighting actual fucking racist, xenophobic, predatory bullshit.

[hutaoscoffinn]

Seraph of the End RANT

Disclaimer: if you are a fan of Mahiru and get offended easily or ship Guren and Mahiru, this is not gunna be a post for you

Anyway everyone else who is still here sit back, relax, brew some tea because its time to sip☕️☕️☕️

This is a rant/kinda theory post about Mahiru’s character and her relationship with Guren bc while rereading some of the manga, rewatching the anime, and just looking back at some posts I have some shit to say

First of all, I have some MAJOR problems with Mahiru’s character. Like M A J O R probelms

I’m also extremely upset because she had so much potential to be one of the best characters in the series but ya know we can’t have nice things.

First of all her character is so misogynistic. She acts like she can’t do anything without her ✨man✨

She acts like she needs Guren for everything and like she’s weak without him when she isn’t. Mahiru isn’t weak at all. She is strong but she acts like she is helpless without Guren which is a big lie. She was able to function without him for ten years.

She was able to do a LOT without him but nope.

✨Now lets look back a bit to when Mahiru and Guren first meet✨

I’m sorry but what actual 5 year old is that obsessed with love and that obsessed with a boy. 5 year olds love a new thing every minute and it’s unrealistic that a 5 year old would be as set as Mahiru was on a boy that they just met. Its also unrealistic that said 5 year old would remember said boy and still be in love with them for TEN YEARS after meeting them.

Mahiru kinda acts like the Bella Swan from Twilight but she’s the crazy vampire and the overly obsessed one while Guren just wants to live his life.

Like honestly

Now her actions... good god where to begin

Well she manipulates Guren, lets her family use him as their punching bag, puts a fucking demon in him, AND THEN KILLS HIS FRIENDS IN FRONT OF HIM

In short, what the fuck Mahiru?

Like I think killing his friends after already screwing with his emotions like crazy is crossing a line

And Guren and Mahiru’s relationship was and is the definition of toxic. There was nothing good about their relationship. It wasn’t wholesome in any way. Being manipulated in a relationship isn’t good or wholesome in any way and that relationship was all manipulation and crazy.

✨Mahiru now✨

I hate Mahiru’s character now, maybe even more so. She’s kinda an ass (hardcore an ass). She keeps manipulating Guren and twisting him to do everything she wants him to do which again, is not healthy. Especially for Guren

Guren’s mental health is probably all sorts of fucked up and its all her fault. Like seriously, think about it. Think about all the manipulation, how she pushed him away from his friends, killed his friends, now he can’t get close to his friends, has to experiment on the people he loves, BECOMES A DEMON FOR CHRIST SAKE.

And why? She made him. Technically he had a choice, but in reality, she is making him and using his friends as hostages because they don’t have a lot of time left and Guren has to perform the spell again and save everyone before its too late. But he has to do it right this time so the world doesn’t end, so that there isn’t a time limit for his friends. And even then, he will bear the biggest cross if he comes out of this alive. He will bear the biggest secret.

Why?

Mahiru killed his friends. The friends he couldn’t live without. The friends he arguably loved FAR more than he ever loved her.

Like you cannot tell me that Guren didn’t love his friends more than Mahiru. Especially Shinya. Then again can you blame him? Shinya just wanted to make sure he was okay, sane, and genuinely looked up to Guren and cared about him.

Mahiru definitely didn’t truly care about Guren considering what she did to him out of HER OWN FREE WILL.

✨Do I think Guren still loves Mahiru?✨

Oh god no. I could argue that he never really felt actual love for her but tea ☕️

As of right now? He definitely doesn’t love her. I mean the man is 24 in the series rn and she’s a whiny 16 year old demon that has fucked him over one too many times. If he still loved her he would have lost ALL of his sanity (which he hasn’t lets be honest)

He also basically dismisses her whenever it comes to her trying to be “affectionate” which is 100% her playing with him and manipulating him. He acts like he’s trying to detach himself from her in the best ways he can whenever she isn’t forcing him to do what she says aka become a demon.

In fact I think that he genuinely hates working with her. I mean the things she is making him to can and will break him. And she knows that. Yet she continues to push and push and push until theres nothing left of Guren to repair. His heart is beyond broken and damaged and I cannot imagine living a day in his shoes.

I’ve already written a post on if Guren wants to resurrect Mahiru and I’ve already stated that I don’t think he exactly wants that to happen especially if the 100% old Mahiru isn’t back and even then that’s not a good Mahiru and even then there’s still the fact that she’s stuck in his cursed gear and that she is a demon.

Can’t see that ever working in her favor tbh and if it does thats the biggest plothole in the whole series and is major bullshit.

Also, if Guren and Mahiru ever somehow get back together thats a) extremely toxic for him and b) unrealistic in every way considering the bad blood that 100% should be between them

In summary I have an extreme dislike for Mahiru and her character and I hope to god that Guren can escape her somehow

Hope you guys enjoyed my rant~

[ectolemonades]

Fic Writer Review

@floralflowerpower tagged me!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Four!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

6,091

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Only Danny Phantom on ao3 at least, I will not reveal what past fandoms I have written fic for back in my deviantart days

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Okay considering I only have four fics I'm just gonna put them in order of kudos jwndflke

Local Barista Danny Fenton

Let's Make a Deal

What A Stupid Child

The singular prompt I managed to do for Going Angst Week

5. Which of your fic do you want more attention for?

Uhh tbh maybe Let's Make a Deal or the Going Angst Week prompt I did? LMaD was the first phic I ever wrote based on louroalka's demon au and honestly only want it to get more attention because that au is INCREDIBLE, the Going Angst Week one I'm just proud of how I wrote it even though it's really short haha

I'm really grateful for any attention my fics get tho! I know none of my fics are huge deals or anything, but I can't put into words how happy it makes me that so many people enjoyed my fic based on my Barista Danny AU!

6. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I always try to! I have a couple sitting in my inbox rn just because I'm super forgetful, but I want people to know that I'm acknowledging them and the fact that they decided to read/interact w my work means a lot to me

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Local Barista Danny Fenton because they were out of oat milk 😔✊🏼

8. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you’ve written?

I do! Back in the day The Bestie tumblr user Kateh @kirinda-ondo and I wrote some BONKERS and absolutely hilarious crossovers of stuff we were into, and we haven't really written anything lately (we kinda started plotting a rly interesting crossover tho) we have v silly conversations and crossover our favs

Not a fic tho but I did cross He-Man and DP in a doodle for Kateh's birthday yesterday because Orko and Danny would absolutely be besties and u can't change my mind

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not yet and pls be nice to me I am sensitive

10. Do you write smut? if so what kind?

I don't

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I haven't but anyone is more than welcome to!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Definitely back in the day w Kateh

13. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Me x Actually Allowing People To Read My Writing

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I started writing a lightly angsty ghost hunger fic at one point, I got writer's block right around when I was trying to wrap it up and edit it and tbh just haven't gotten back to it and idk if I will

I got bold w it and threw in Clockwork and Jazz and I think I gave myself anxiety on writing them in-character lmao

Love reading ghost hunger au just maybe not writing it idk

15. What are your writing strengths?

Active voice and I've been told I'm pretty good with "show, don't tell" and capturing emotions

Definitely active voice though, as a journalist that shit is drilled into my head and when I see passive voice an alarm sounds in my head even though I do not personally give that much of a shit

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Tenses, and the actually sharing it with people part gives me so much anxiety

In my creative writing class when I had to share my fiction piece (which I posted to my main blog if anyone wants to read!), I was messaging Kateh throughout my entire class/critique because I was so nervous I was on the verge of tears lmao

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think it's fantastic when it adds to the character or is important in some way! I feel there should definitely be some sort of research done to be sure things are being used correctly as well

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I didn't realize this question was coming up I guess I'll reveal now it was Sonic the Hedgehog back in my dA days

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably Local Barista Danny Fenton, I love telling funny work stories and it seems to have made people who read it happy!

20. What fic are you most proud of?

I really can't pick a fav because I'm really really proud of all my fics!

--

Tagging @amabsis and @omegasmileyface but y'all don't have to do it if you don't want to!!

[reluctantrfamember]

actually do y’all wanna hear a REALLY hot take coming from me? prepare yourselves for it because it’s a spicy one. ready? y’sure? okay:

i only watched a bootleg version of ‘em on youtube (because i wasn’t about to give cheritz my HGs for it lmao), but rika’s behind story was unironically better and more consistent with the overall plot of mysmes than v’s after endings were. like, don’t get me wrong here. cheritz only made them because they wanted the fandom to feel bad for rika and thus justify forgiving her in the after endings (which is still absolute bs), but divorced from that context, they’re not horrible as an origin story and actually clear some shit up as well, e.g. v didn’t know for a good while that rika had kidnapped saeran, he did try pretty hard to get rika the help she needed, rika was absolutely jealous of jumin and actively isolated v from him, etc. the main iffy area is of course the mika shit, especially since the very concept her was already tainted by her hopelessly corny/forced “introduction” in v’s after endings, BUT... i don’t entirely hate the concept of rika having had a childhood friend that she modelled herself after as she grew up. what i DO take issue with is pinning everything rika did on mika, but tbh? again, divorced from the context of v’s AEs? it doesn’t even really need to be read that way. mika was traumatized and had a few wacky ideals, but before showing up again after having allegedly "disappeared”, we have no reason to believe she was already planning to make Mint Eye or what have you. besides which, isn’t it kinda weird that she takes this sinister turn after reappearing again in rika’s life? idk if this was at All cheritz’s intent but i kinda wonder if post-hospital mika wasn’t actually real. i mean cheritz has pulled some absolutely nonsensical shit before so it could be entirely literal, but what if as rika fell off the deep end she just kind of hallucinated that her dead childhood friend was actually pushing her to do all of the mint eye shit? rika has consistently known throughout canon that the stuff she does is fucked up, so she isn’t completely delusional -- but i could see her deluding herself to deflect any guilt she felt during those early years, y’know?

anyway sure wish cheritz stuck to their guns when writing rika bc she’s genuinely quite fascinating but not when cheritz is implicitly telling everyone that ur a bad person if u think rika maybe sorta crossed several significant lines and should probably face... like, any consequences for doing so

[chaoticspacefam]

I remember reading your reblog a while back about how some Theron fans are anti-Lana (I've also noticed some Lana fans are also anti-Theron) and tbh, I feel like I'm the only one who loves both Theron and Lana equally. I adore each of them. I see the flaws in both of them as well. But what makes me a fan, in my mind anyways, is really choosing to acknowledge their flaws and deciding they aren't reasons for me to hate either of them. I'm a Lana AND Theron stan! ❤️

Hello anon! I want to preface this by saying you are valid and I 100% support you no matter what! Keep loving the characters no matter the reasons why, you do you, as long as you like them that’s all that’s important! ❤️ As a side-note I do tag all such posts with “theron critical” (and I don’t cross-tag in his main tag because I’m not an asshole - something that I have seen a lot of the “anti Lana” fans I talk about do with Lana’s tag, it causes myself and other Lana fans no end of problems and anxiety, I don’t want to (nor should I have to) block her main tag just so I don’t have to see death threats etc. towards one of my favourites) so if you want to stop seeing them feel free to blacklist that tag so they won’t come up for you :3 But you’re absolutely not alone, I have many friends and mutuals who like both Theron and Lana and I think you’re all totally awesome and should keep doing your thing as long as it makes you happy! I don’t wanna single them out, but they're definitely out there so you're not alone don't worry! 👐😘

I’m not sure which reblog you’re referring to, as unfortunately there have been quite a few over the past couple of months, but rest assured that anything that was said in that post (and any others on the same topic) was solely directed at those “aggressive anti-Lana” fans and not towards you or anyone else in any way. I have no problem with people who like the characters, hell I don’t even have a problem with people that don’t like Lana as long as you’re not an asshole about it!

Now, I don’t hate Theron as a character, but unfortunately those “aggressive” fans have soured his...reputation, if that’s the right word for it, for me somewhat and it makes it difficult for me to interact with people I’m unfamiliar with as I never know how they’re going to react to me casually mentioning that I don’t care for his romance arc and prefer Lana’s, I get nervous, but I certainly don’t wish any ill will on people who have different shipping preferences to me <3

(I’ve straight up had someone call me racist for enjoying Lana’s romance but not having any interest in Theron’s...y’know, cause I’m a lesbian and I like girls, Harold. 🙄😘 I’m very particular when it comes to my “male” LI preferences and I find most of the male options are just not that interesting for me. Those that I do like, I like because their personalities and/or dynamics with my characters appealed to me  - Koth, Andronikos, Iresso are the ones that spring to mind for me rn - Theron just didn’t have “that” special kinda dynamic for me, he was just...there. As an Alliance member, or a colleague, a trusted advisor etc.  and yes, my characters do distrust him after Nathema, because he literally tried to kill them and all of my OCs who are in power in the Alliance...have a history of people who are close to them suddenly trying to murder them so y’know, of course they’re gonna be distrustful of him and take time to forgive him, and some of them may never forgive him for it. 🤷‍♀️  But that’s their thoughts based on their experiences in their lives, not mine, the mun (is that the word? it’s a weird unfamiliar word I’ve never used it before but I think I’ve seen other people using it?? LOL)

TL;DR: I’m sorry if it felt like any of those posts were directed at you, but I promise they weren’t! I’m just salty and occasionally vocal about that particular subsect of fans but I have neither anything against Theron as a character or other people like you who also like him, acknowledge and/or point out Lana’s flaws, or even who prefer Theron over Lana or don’t like Lana at all. As long as you’re not being a dick trying to police someone else’s fandom experience just because they like different things to you, we’re cool 💖