#i was thinking about a lot of this when writing the zine fic so this post is partially an extension of that

[lordsardine]

.

[pianostarinwonderland]

Hello hello guys!! I participated in the Octazinelle zine 😳👉👈 and this was the fic I wrote!

Link of the zine is found in the notes section. I really hope you enjoy!

graduation [octazinelle: high tide fic submission]

in the few months they have before getting ready to leave for internship, floyd and jade go through the turbulence that future uncertainties bring: where will they go, what will they do, but most importantly... what will happen to their relationship with azul?

ft. floyd leech, jade leech, and azul ashengrotto

╰┈➤ 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: hello hello!! i participated in a zine titled octazinelle: high tide! you can find the full zine through here~ this was a very fun project and i'm so excited to post the fic i wrote for you guys ^^ i really care about this fic so much, so there will be additional notes that i will leave somewhere :3c don't worry, they won't be hard to find fufufu

“Floyd Leech.”

Said student is just climbing down the steps of the lecture room when he hears his name being called in an austere manner. Any remaining students in the classroom cast Floyd that ‘oh boy’ look as they leave the room. Floyd looks to the teacher’s table where Professor Trein stares at him sternly. He returns the stare with a miffed look, but he approaches the professor nonetheless.

“This is the second time this week that I have caught you sleeping in my class,” Trein rebukes. “This may be your last semester in Night Raven College before you go on your internship, but that doesn’t mean that you can be negligent in my class.”

“Uh huh.”

“Don’t give me that attitude, Leech. I do not want to give any penalties so late into the semester, but if I catch you sleeping one more time, I will. Do I make myself clear, Leech?”

“Yes, sir.” 

“You may now go.” 

Floyd steps out of the classroom with the same expression as he wore when getting called out. Damn Professor Red Squid, if you don’t wanna give detention, then just don’t, he thinks to himself. Meh, oh well. I don’t feel hungry at all, should I even go to the canteen? But where do I even wanna go? Everywhere’s so noisy. 

He walks for a bit, hands in his pockets.

Ah wait. 

There’s the supplies arriving today for Mostro Lounge. 

Floyd barely notices his frown growing ever so slightly deeper, but students walking along the same path as him instinctively step aside. Nobody in their right mind would dare interrupt a disgruntled Leech twin. 

I’m not going to help out with those. Azul can suffer with those all he wants.

“Floyd! There you are!” 

Floyd stops in his tracks. He does not look at the classmate who briskly walks up to him, but he already feels the annoyance rushing to his head. 

“Floyd, we got a paper due in two days,” the classmate yells. “We just need your part, and we'll be done! When are you gonna send it in the gc?”

“Go away.”

“Hah? Don’t give me that!” The groupmate’s voice raises in anger. “We have a literal group paper to submit, and we just need your part so that we can submit it earlier!”

Floyd faces him finally, but this time, his eyes are dilated, teeth are displayed, and brows are furrowed. An all-too familiar menacing expression. “I said go away.”

“Eep!” The classmate takes a step back, expression immediately shifting to fear for his life. “O-ok ok! Just- just submit before the 11:59 deadline in two days! That’s all I needed to say, ok!”

And right after, the student runs away.

Floyd huffs. He has now made up his mind on where to go. 

Jade is wiping the sweat off of his face in the locker rooms when one of his Octavinelle classmates approaches him. “Hey, Azul’s calling for you,” he says. “He’s by the gates right now.”

“Oh?” Jade looks up in confusion. “I thought Floyd was supposed to be with him right now.”

“Well, he’s not there now,” the classmate replies while scratching his head. “They need more backup and Azul’s calling for you.” 

“Ah, I see.” He smiles. “I shall be there, then.”

The classmate leaves the locker rooms, leaving Jade all by himself. The rest of the class has already left, eager for lunch. 

Jade slows down in cleaning himself up.

Azul’s name brings back a rip that’s been tearing at his heart. It burns in the way that electricity probably burns, maybe to a lesser degree: his body stops working the way it usually does, and his chest still reels from a shock of pain. It’s not physical by any means, though by the Sea Witch, he wishes it was. It would have been so much easier to deal with. He’d be shipped to the best hospital, all bills easily paid for, and he’d be recovering well back in Octavinelle. Or if he dies, then that is that. No more pain to feel.

No, it’s a harder kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain that makes him want to tear flesh and bone with teeth and claws, the kind of hurt that urges him to destroy a ship, the kind of ache that makes him want to burn his already burning eyes. It’s the kind of pain that won’t go away even if he does all three.

Jade breathes in. Hold it. Breathe out. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out…

He cannot afford to lose himself now, whether by wrath or by tears. 

He packs his bags, changes back to his uniform, and leaves the lockers. His light footsteps are overshadowed by the sounds of enthusiastic jogs to the cafeteria in the corridors. Jade takes a moment to breathe in the afternoon sunny air, letting out a bit more of his worries out of his lungs before he walks down the stairs and through Main Street. 

And soon, he finds himself nearing the tall gates of the school, where a group of students are gathered around large boxes. 

It annoys Jade that the gleam of silver hair stirs mixed emotions. On one hand, his troubles are dashed completely from seeing the very person he keeps close. On the other hand, it is the same person who’s making him go through hell.

He swiftly shifts his focus to the situation in front of him. Some of the other boxes should have been on the way to the Mostro Lounge by this time, yet there are still several of them that the other Octavinelle students have to carry. It isn’t surprising—after all, they decided to upgrade a few things, in preparation for the next dorm leader. Supplies that a simple run to Sam’s shop won’t cover, no matter how much he claims to have it all in stock. 

“Be extra careful with that. That tableware costs us quite a fortune.” Standing by the boxes with a clipboard resting on his arm, Azul watches his dorm mates as he writes notes on the clipboard. He has his dorm leader facade on, serious and stern, but even from a distance, Jade can see his slightly nervous gaze towards the supplies. 

As another pair leaves with a heavy box, Azul looks at them before his eyes fall on him. “Jade, good you made it on time.”

“Hello, Azul,” Jade greets. “I thought that Floyd was supposed to help with the supplies.”

“Well, he’s not here now,” Azul answers, frowning from annoyance. “I was wondering if you had any idea as to where he is right now.”

“I don’t. His history class should have ended 10 minutes ago.” 

“Hmph, nevermind. We need to get all of this into the lounge.” He gestures to the boxes. “All the boxes are complete, and we’ll do a final count of all the supplies once everything has been moved there.”

“I see.” Jade nods. “Will you need me to assist you?”

“No, you may enjoy your lunch break after helping us move these boxes,” Azul answers. “I’ll be making my next successor do that. It’s a part of his learning, after all.” 

“Ah. I see.” 

It annoys him to feel that same shock of hurt returning to his chest. 

A bemused look crosses Azul’s face. “Does that offend you,” he teases. “I never took you for one to be tilted by that.”

Jade blinks. “Why Azul, whatever makes you think I’d be offended over that?” He smiles, with a bit more effort than he’s used to. “You must be imagining things from how little rest you have in passing on your position to the little siren.”

“You exaggerate.” He keeps his clipboard and pen into his bag. “We need to move. Jade, carry that box over there.” He points to one of the smaller boxes, marked with the word FRAGILE, and picks up another box. 

And wordlessly, Jade follows, carrying a box that must contain brand new tea sets. New tea sets that remind him that a new dorm leader and manager of the Mostro Lounge will take over. 

That his term and Azul’s will end because they’ll move up to 4th year and go their separate ways. 

Jade resists the urge to break them. He’ll carry these then find Floyd. 

Back at home, the schools of fish would band together, staying close until Floyd swam past them, splitting their perfect formation. Together, apart. Together, apart. 

Together. Apart.

Separation was not new to Floyd at all. In an “eat or be eaten” world, fish and merfolk alike live with the thought that the people closest to them may be gone the next day. Floyd has hunted before, has fought before. He’s even the one who said goodbye to his parents when leaving for Night Raven College.

But he said goodbye with the promise of seeing them again after school is done. 

He stares down at the river that runs below the bridge. This spot is rarely ever frequented by students at lunchtime, if only because everyone else is either eating in the canteen, having meetings, or just being with friends, and the bridge is on the other path away from the Hall of Mirrors. Besides Octavinelle, it feels the closest to home on this campus: here, he can watch the current flow, and the fish that live below its clean stream. 

Home, huh? Floyd wonders if home will still feel like home once he returns from Night Raven College. 

It will be the same dark passageways and bioluminescent lights, the same faces but all grown up. Except that he isn’t a child that can pick fights with anyone and nab their scales as a prize, he is to be stuck with running the family business of making deals, expanding connections, beating up people who betray their trust. Pretty much like what he already does with Azul now. 

Except that the boss that would stand with him and Jade is not Azul at all. 

The fish in the river swim with no obstacle in their path. They may split apart to avoid the occasional rock, but they would be together again. Together, apart. Together. In the small space that they share, there is no vast ocean that opens up new paths for them to split ways. Not until they swim down the cliff and into the open sea. 

Floyd has never envied river dwellers until now. 

Jade walks behind Azul going to Mostro Lounge. It’s something of a routine that started in Night Raven College. When Azul walks, he and Floyd follow him from behind. He doesn’t remember how or when it started. Probably started to make Azul’s image look powerful: he is in the front, wearing a coat that imposes authority, and Jade and Floyd standing at the back makes him look almost impossible to touch. 

Regardless of the hows or the whys, it’s a position that has always given him comfort. From behind, Jade can watch Azul. He can see if Azul is pleased with something by the bounce in his step, or if he’s pissed by the clack of his heels. And from the front, Azul can’t read Jade since he’s always looking forward, and that lets Jade startle him with a random brutal teasing remark. 

Right now, though, he wishes to not look at Azul. 

Azul appears to be beaming, and Jade knows exactly why. He’s found the perfect successor for not only leadership of Octavinelle but also manager for his prized restaurant. He’s gotten accepted in all the places he applied for his internship. 

He’s gotten accepted already into the university that he aims to go to.

Jade vividly remembers the way Azul grinned from ear to ear when he received the email. He remembers the audible, “Yes! Yes, I got in!” that almost sounded teary-eyed. He remembers Floyd saying that they should celebrate over some drinks. He remembers smiling to the best of his abilities while saying congratulations for being accepted. 

That was two weeks ago. He’s said many fake things in his life, and he would never say sorry for them. But until now, the heartless congratulations weighs heavily in his conscience. 

It’s simple, really: Azul has been working hard all his life to achieve his dreams. And Jade was there to witness the journey, from the ideas to the headaches to the defeats to the victories. It’s a huge milestone for Azul to get to stay on land and study in a place where he feels he will thrive. So it’s unfair really, to not be able to celebrate such an achievement happily. 

And yet, Jade can’t bring himself to. 

Their relationship started as something transactional. Tweels keep his secrets, Azul lets them in his plans. Tweels support him, Azul entertains them. And if Azul fails to entertain, then they will drop him like plastic to the chute. There and done. That’s supposed to be their relationship. 

So why then does it hurt to hear that Azul got accepted? Why does it hurt to think about how in a few months, he won’t see Azul as much as the present? Why does it hurt to think about the uncertainty of when they will see each other again? 

“Jade, you can put down the box over there.”

Jade blinks. He’s at Mostro Lounge. Has he been so deep in thought that he didn’t realize when he arrived?

Schooling his expression, he puts down the box on the counter that Azul gestures to, unaware of the concerned expression on Azul’s face. 

Floyd doesn’t know when he started staring into nothingness to gaze at memories, but he’s now seeing the stone stage from middle school, where his younger self is playing drums to his brother’s bass and someone’s piano. 

He remembers, he was getting irritated with the piano melody, and at the time he couldn’t pinpoint why, except that it lacked something. Now that he thinks about it, it’s because that pianist’s playing had no life. No vigor, no passion, just technique that wouldn’t get anyone dancing. “Next,” he had said and stopped playing. The pianist was protesting. Floyd forgot what he said, just that he protested that he wasn’t done playing, but he didn’t care enough to hear about it.

“Everyone sucks, Jade,” he threw his sticks to the ground. “No one’s good enough to be part of our band. Let’s just go.” And he and Jade—who was bigger than him at the time—left the small auditorium of their school. And it’s a blur, Floyd doesn’t remember why he and Jade didn’t go home right away, but he remembers very well the syncopated melodies coming from the piano they forgot to close. 

And he remembers the gasp he made, the way his heart was stirred from how alive the music sounded. 

And he remembers how quickly he swam back inside to see who’s playing, and his wide-eyed gaze when he spotted the familiar octopus.

“Hey hey, that was so cool,” he said to the flustered Azul. “Play some more, play some more!” 

“Huh? No way, I have to go soon!”

But he didn’t let him go. He insisted he play the piano as he picked up his sticks and played a beat. “Come on, just one song! Then you can go!”

And he started his beat. And when it was just him for a long moment, Floyd had wondered if Azul left. But the sound of an E minor reached his ears, and the next moment, Azul’s playing was matching to the beat of the drums. And his music had heart. It had spirit, it had technique, it had passion. 

And the best part? Azul matched his rhythm when nobody else did. 

“I knew I’d find you here, Floyd.”

Eyes turning away from his reflection in the water, Floyd looks up to the face that he’s known since birth. Jade, impeccably presentable despite having PE class earlier, walks towards Floyd, leaning on the railing of the bridge he stands on. But he does not go near him. 

“What do you want,” Floyd asks. 

“We had a new batch of supplies arrive at the Lounge today,” Jade answers. “You were supposed to help out with the unpacking.”

He only answers with a curt hum before turning back to the water below. 

He hears a sigh. And footsteps approaching.

“You’re thinking about last last week, aren’t you?”

Floyd turns again to Jade. He’s by the bridge railing now, same side as him, but he continues to keep a respectable distance. Jade doesn’t look at him directly either, his gaze directed at the horizon ahead of them. 

He’s thinking about it too.

“Yeah, you could say that,” he answers. “It’s just, really ass, y’know?”

Floyd believes that in spite of their identical genetics, they are two people with different identities, dreams, and beliefs. And don’t get him wrong, it is a lot better that way to have individuality. But deep down, there is a comfort knowing that Jade probably feels the same feeling that leaves Floyd dizzy with frustration, that binds his chest with a mix of anger and sadness. And Sea Witch knows, Floyd needs that comfort now. 

“‘Ass’, you say,” Jade repeats. “Tell me about it.” 

A beat of silence passes between them. 

“It’s just that. It takes half a fish brain to know that Azul’s got grand plans after graduation. Get into the best business school, build his own corporation, build another company, and a third company. And I’ve known this for Sea Witch knows how long, and it was all fine, I didn’t care that much, but then…”

“...But then the letter came in.” Jade fills in. 

“Yeah,” Floyd emphatically answers. “That damned acceptance letter from whosit business university came in. Like, I don’t know why, but it just made everything feel… real. That Azul’s really gonna go somewhere else. And I hate that it’s been hitting me like this for the last two weeks. I can’t focus well, I’m pissed off, Trein’s told me off about sleeping. It’s so ass.”

The silent air between the twins weighs heavier. Floyd’s eyes briefly look at the fish in the river again—the damned fish that he wants to throw a rock at so they separate too—before he turns to Jade. “How ‘bout you? Was it also the letter?”

Jade doesn’t answer right away. Floyd understands; in moments like these, Jade hesitates to speak his mind, even to him. It’s part of their nature to be cowardly, after all, just that Jade exhibits it more between the two of them. 

“... Somehow, yes, but if I were to think about it… it’s actually been a while now,” he finally answers.

“Eh? Really?”

“I knew down the line that there would be farewells to be made,” Jade says. “Like you said, Azul has already made plans for himself, and he invests in those plans, years in advance. But there’s always that part of me that wonders… if there’s space for us in those plans.” 

Floyd finds himself inhaling sharply at those words. 

“I see his goals coming to fruition, and it pains me to say that I can’t even properly support him. The letter, the new supplies, the little siren he’s going to appoint… they’re all reminders that it will all change.” Jade smiles, but in pain. “Azul won’t be the dorm leader, I won’t be the vice leader, and we won’t do the things we used to do. And we won’t see each other until perhaps the next VDC. And when we graduate… would he call an end to our agreements? Would we grow so busy that we become strangers again? We would always say that our relationship is merely transactional and that we would leave him if we get bored, but…”

Jade stops, and the air weighs even heavier. Floyd feels taken back to the first day on land, when breathing with lungs felt heavy and difficult. 

Suddenly, Jade laughs. “What clownfish have we become?”

Floyd too joins his twin in mirth. “Can’t help it, Azul makes me feel understood.”

He raises a brow. “Is it gonna be about the first time you played together with him?”

“I mean, it’s how it started,” he answers. He doesn’t realize the small smile that settles on his face as he remembers once more. “Like, back then, everyone just kinda avoided, y’know? And that’s fine, at least, I thought it was. ‘Twas fun and all to be intimidating. But no matter what I’d do, Azul always matches me. He knows exactly what to play to my rhythm. And even in how we work, he knows what’s the stuff I’d like to do or the stuff I’d do well in. It just feels nice.”

It feels too nice. 

Too nice that if it disappears, it will leave his heart bound tightly by melancholy. 

“…Hey, I can’t be the only sappy one here.” Floyd eyes Jade. “C’mon Jade, share too what’s made you appreciate Azul.”

“I already shared a lot earlier,” Jade says defensively.

“Heyyy, be fair at least. I know you have your own thing.”

“What else is there to say? You already said everything.”

“Liar. I know how you started reading your books more after meeting him.” 

“So? Those were lessons that we had to learn as well.”

“Uh huh sure. Then explain why you’ve only gotten better in everything you do after meeting Azul.”

Jade glares at him. 

Floyd grins in response. “Gotcha.”

A beat of silence, then Jade sighs. “If he makes you feel understood, then he makes me feel capable.”

“How so?”

“One reason.” He puts up one free hand, with one finger up. “He’s demanding.”

Floyd chuckles. “That’s an understatement.”

“You’re right.” Jade grins, teeth flashing. “He’s exigent. Making us run around the school to do 5 things at once, on top of schoolwork. Even before NRC, he was just like that. I assumed he was insane. Until now, I still think he’s insane.”

“You say that, but you don’t look like you’re complaining at all.”

“Because thanks to that, I wasn’t pretending to be good at something anymore.” His next smile is closed. Softer. “I went from barely comprehending a textbook and barely lifting a seashell with my magic to understanding contract language and unlocking my unique ability. He made me do things, and I planned to just make someone else do it and pretend it was me.” 

“Ohhh.” Floyd’s eyes widened with remembrance. “And then he caught you.”

“Yes.” Jade shakes his head at the thought. “And I was expecting him to laugh at me, but he didn’t. All he did was sigh and teach me. Magic, studies, law, something about the way he taught those things clicked something in me. And even the things that he didn’t teach but always talked about, like culinary and how people behave, I was able to absorb things and got better. Dare I say,” a smirk forms on his face, “I’m better than Azul in some things.”

“Like flight class.” Floyd grins.

“Like flight class,” Jade repeats smugly. 

And they stop talking. Jade turns his gaze to the distant horizon, looking at something farther than the blue of the sky. Meanwhile, Floyd glances back at the river. He understands that Jade is done talking personal. But it’s fine for him. He can almost hear the unspoken thoughts. Once Azul leaves, who’s going to be the pianist in their little band that makes their every day exciting? Once Azul leaves, who’s going to tell them that they can do it? 

Once Azul leaves, who’s going to understand them?

“So this is where you two are.”

Simultaneously, Floyd and Jade whip their heads around. Floyd swears his heart almost leapt to his chest when he saw those familiar blue eyes. 

One hand in his pocket, Azul stands on the threshold of the bridge. He and Jade fully turn around as he walks towards them until he’s directly in front of both of them. 

“Hello, Azul,” Jade greets, like the conversation a while ago never happened. “How was teaching your next successor what he has to do?”

“Went well,” he answers. “His prior experiences already reassure me, but he’s also demonstrated that he knows what he’s doing. Currently, he and our other dorm mates are taking care of the supplies.”

“Weird that you’re not being so strict, considering how much you value your restaurant,” Floyd comments. “You’re not even gonna be there to make sure nothing’s going wrong?”

“I trust that things are going well with my new successor in charge. I’ve taught him very well enough,” Azul says. “But more importantly… I have matters to discuss with the both of you.”

He turns his head to look at Jade. “Jade, you’ve been out of focus lately. Just a while ago, when you were bringing the box of teacups to the lounge, you were so deep in thought, you didn’t look like you were aware of where you were going. And even during work hours, you haven’t been as sharp as you usually are. A few professors have commented on your slouched posture as well.”

Jade’s eyes widen in surprise. 

“And Floyd.” Azul turns to look at Floyd. “Professors have reported to me that you’ve either been asleep during lectures or interrupting class with an outburst. You’ve also been moodier than usual, and it shows in your cooking and your behavior. I’ve heard a few students rant about you in group projects.”

Floyd briefly remembers the group mate that approached him earlier. 

“So what are you getting at exactly, Azul,” Jade asks. “Even we have our off days as well.”

Azul casts him a pointed look. “Off days for two weeks straight.” 

He receives no quip in reply. 

He crosses his arms. “Jade, Floyd.” His neutral serious tone changes. It quivers slightly. He’s worried. “I know you two well enough that there’s something going on. Is there something that happened?”

Floyd looks away. Jade does as well.

Floyd hates the concern in his tone. It makes him want to break. It makes him want to be upfront about his feelings and how it’s been bothering him. 

But how can someone like him really tell someone like Azul that you’re afraid to lose him somehow? How can he retract all the times he said that their relationship is all transaction and no emotional connection? How do you even start bearing something so vulnerable? 

They must be the same questions that Jade is grappling with now. Jade, who’s usually good at worming his way out of any conversation, has nothing to say to leave this topic. 

Azul sighs, breaking the long silence. “Is this something that has to do with me?”

The twins stiffen. 

Floyd can feel Azul’s gaze towards him. 

A tense moment passes. 

“... I had a feeling.”

He finally looks at him but in confusion. Jade is also facing him with wide eyes. 

Azul exhales through his nose. “You don’t have to tell me anything about what you’re feeling right now. If at all.” He turns around, preparing to leave. His head is bowed down, not letting either twin see his expression. “But I just want to let you know, I’m always here if you need me. Not just for this, but for anything, even if in the future.”

Floyd’s breath hitches.

“Do you… really mean that?” Jade asks, almost meekly.

Azul looks at Jade in puzzlement. “Why wouldn’t I? You two have been with me for all these years, even in my weakest hours. It’s not like I’m going to leave you even after we graduate.”

“Really,” Floyd asks. “Even when you get really busy with university and we’re running our family business?”

“Well, I won’t deny that we will be busy,” he answers. “But I’m not letting go of you two just because of that. You know me too well, after all. And you’ve supported me all these years, it would be embarrassing to leave that unpaid.”

“You mean that?”

“Have I ever broken a promise? If you want, I can even put that on a contract and have you sign it.”

In one single breath, the binding sadness and worry that tightened Floyd’s chest leaves. 

Without thinking, he moves towards Azul and wraps his arms around his slim frame. He ignores the surprised gasp as he buries his face on his shoulder. His breathing feels lighter than it has ever been the past two weeks. 

He feels Jade joining in, hugging Azul from the other side and burying his face on the other shoulder. His breathing sounds even to any person, but to Floyd, he can hear a slight quiver, like Jade is trying to hold back tears. 

“Is… is this what it’s been all about, all this time,” Azul finally asks. His hands move to pat their heads, a motion that always comforted the twins. “You two are strange for worrying about this type of thing.” 

Despite his words, Floyd can hear the smile in Azul’s voice.

[olderthannetfic]

Oh, I love getting to talk about the history of fandom, especially fanfiction that predates Kirk/Spock. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the cultural significance of Spirk. But I often see people citing Spirk zines as "the first ever fanfiction" or "the creation of modern fandom" when there have definitely been pioneers that came before that!

A lot can also be said about how many stories like Jason and the Argonauts or Paradise Lost are essentially self-insert fanfiction, but since so many of these literary classics were written before the advent of modern copyright law (therefore making creative works the property of the author, and not simply public domain) some people consider the first "true" fanfics, in the sense that the creator legally owns the source material, were for Gulliver's Travels.

But you could go back in time for centuries and still find examples of fanfiction. Shakespeare wrote about dozens and dozens of real people, and based loads of his works on historical figures or existing tales. He was, essentially, writing RPF.

The truth of it is, you could go back through thousands of years of human history and find examples of fanfic dating all the way back to the beginning of recorded time.

And I just think that's awesome.

--

The significance of K/S is that there's a direct line from that to a certain part of LJ fandom and then to AO3. It's definitely not the first fandom or the first fic.

[actualhumancryptid]

I see so many posts bemoaning fic commenting culture, and how it is so much worse now. How things are commodified. The readers are entitled, and see our work as just content to consume. it was better before!

I am begging 'nuance' on this one.

Of course as a writer I want readers to comment. Of course I want to hear that they enjoyed what I wrote, and to have that connection. And to be honest, the serotonin. (let's be real, that is part of it for a lot of us. Not so different to social media).

But people can't always comment. And they won't. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing or the end of the world.

People have all sorts of reasons for not commenting, and it isn't just because they are entitled, or lazy, or 'bad'. That's a pretty reductive way to look at readers as a whole. Whatever the reason (the lack of time, being overwhelmed/pressured by the task) the act of reading is a fundamentally different mental space to the act of writing composition. Reading is immersive, whether you're reading a novel or a smut fic. There's a mental load to the shift into: engaging in literary criticism/describing your current emotional state/essentially writing a letter to the author. Especially if the fic was enormous, or particularly amazing. You have just finished it, you haven't even processed it. And now oh my god, do some words, yes anything will do!

It's understandable that some people freeze, or think 'I can't do this now!'. Only it's very hard to then remember to come back, and write that comment later. It isn't because people don't care. There are so many ways they are interacting with your fic that you will just have no idea about. That's true of tradpubbed works, of self-published zines. it's true of visual art in all its forms. Once it's out in the world, it will have a life of its own. And people will love it and never tell you. They may hate it and never tell you. It might form the bedrock of their personal philosophy. And you will never know. That unfortunately is the nature of making art.

Is it fair? I mean, you made this thing for free! There are no other rewards for you, supposedly, other than comments and kudos.

But that isn't true either. Because I hate to tell you this, no amount of comments will be as satisfying as having made the thing and enjoyed the process of making the thing (and it works! Or doesn't! But it was fun!). Yes we do need some form of acknowledgement that this thing we did isn't floating out there, unnoticed, forgotten. We want our work to matter to somebody. And that's valid. But if you don't find the act of making it a reward in and of itself, then perhaps it's time to try cultivating that. Because you will certainly be happier. And sure, you're allowed to be miffed when nobody comments, or when it feels like nobody is seeing you. You're human.

The thing is, I am finding this evangelical push towards beating fic readers over the heads with their commenting failures a troubling trend. That just makes everyone involved feel defensive, and is such a fraught way to try and have this conversation.

How do we foster a robust fandom community? How do we bring back that sense of connection we had in the past? How do we stop fics from feeling like a consumable good?

Well, it's not by being a dick to readers. They are not a consumable good either.

[sleepiestwizard]

okay im gonna put all my thoughts about the hotguy zinethology on here based on the incoherent ramblings my friends received while i was reading it

(obviously spoilers below the cut)

okay so first of all the first part was SO fucking funny i cried laughing multiple times

the first time i saw cute guy i SCREAMED

HOTGUY TRYING TO GET CUTEGUY TO JOIN HIS UNION AND GRIAN JUST GOING. NAH. WAS SO FUNNY

@cornpapers draws scar SO pretty

mumblr is SUCH a funny name 10/10

the "dont you think cuteguy and hotguy having matching names and outfits is queerbaiting" post is SO FUNNY

THE GRIANVERSE

SHE'S HERE !!!!!!! ARIANA GRIANDE !!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY. GRIAN LOOKS LIKE THE SAD HAMSTER

REALLY GOOD PANEL

this whole comic was so funny i loved it loved the cub

THE EMAILS PART WAS ALSO SO FUNNY

this is such an interesting and fun way to tell a story i loved the email part

in general the posts and stuff were SO funny and very realistic for the internet 😭

yeah

grian desperately trying to not let scar reveal his identity 😭😭 girl (this also hits so different now after reading the whole thing btw.)

the comparison to a wild horse in this first fic also killed me

i can't really put a lot of images but there were some really classic superhero comic looking panel that i thoroughly enjoyed

scar tangled in his own grappling hook. classic. very funny

I LOVED THIS FIC SO MUCH. scar voice this is gonna ruin the tour. grian voice what tour. scar voice the world tour.

scar saying he's playing volleyball. haikyuu reference!?!?!?

just putting this here

LOVEDDDD THIS GEM DESIGN

moon mask i immediately called pearl yes pf course

GRIAN REFUSING TO SHOW EACHOTHER THEIR IDENTITIES AGRHRGRHRVH

"you and your cuteguy" arggrgrhsggrgrhgr

murder camel REAL !!

I DIDN'T TRUST THIS FOR A SECOND. PEARL AND HER SOUP I DONT BUY IT

"i cant believe you guys fucking killed jimmy solidarity" <- actual message i sent to mochi

SCOUR KNOWING SCARS NAME. AGRHSGRHRGRHV

i literally had to Go Take A Walk after this fic

i really like how the pearl thing was resolved in this it felt like such a good act 2 reoccurring villain exit. very superhero comic/movie like or even dnd like

'vincent berger' made me laugh

ZEDDIT

MOCHI FIC !!!!

first off every single fic has SUCH a cool cover i love them all

poor grian has ptsd :((

i LOVEEE how mochi writes angst always they're so good at it

the fact that he never found jimmys body immediately made me call the fact that he wasn't really dead and would come back btw

gem would lovee to drive grian slowly crazy tbh

"IVE COME TO PICK UP MY BIRD" AGRHRGRHGRHRVRBTBJRG

JUST LOOK AT THAT GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW !!!!!!!

i was going insane at this point

this whole zine had me feeling like that meme thats like first i laughed.. then i serioused (the first part was SO funny and then golden era was psychic damage /pos)

IMPULSE :D

GEMPEARL <33 they are so everything to me

SCAR WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE SUSPICIOUS POSSIBLY EVIL FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY ON YOUR BODY. SIR.

NOT THE DESTIEL MEME

they look SO fucking cute

both scar and grian look sooooo scrumptious in this comic argh

THE MIND CONTROL. THE. RHE MIND CONFNTOL.

THESE 2 FULL PAGES ARE ABSOLUTELY SO INSANE. I WAS AND STILL AM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH

THIS IS SO. GOD THIS

THE WAY GRIAN JUMPED AND SCAR JUMPED AFTER HIM. THEYRE CRAZY !!!!!!!

THE WIPING THE BLOODY NOSE AND THEN SMILING LITERALLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE TOOK THE MASK OFF

mumbo <3

THE HUG. ☹️☹️☹️

great big beautiful tomorrow :((( the parallels :((

GRIAN BEING TOO FLUSTERED BY SCAR KINDA FLIRTING THAT HE DIDN'T REALISE HE WAS DROPPING HINTS ABT HIS IDENTITY WAS SO FUNNY

cutiebird..

scar playing w his hair when cuteguy was hurt :(( so cute

REALLY FUNNY

THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS ☹️☹️

the tcg voice: theyre holding hands.. i want them dead

SKIZZ !!!!

ETHO !!!!!!!!!!

awhh skizzly :((((

THIS IS SO UPSETTING

"It's our Impulse, Gem" IM SO UPSET SHUT UP

god the way she puts on the mask and immediately is emotionless im gonna throw up

OBSESSED. THEY'RE EVERYTHING TO ME

im so obsessed w this cuteguy i love him

grian voice omg im the only bitch serving cunt in this place im so embarasseddddd

they are serving SO much in this comic

ETHO EYHO ETHO ETHEO

SCAR APPOINTING GRIAN AS LEADER. EARURGRHVRH THEY'RE EVERYTHING

READING THIS WAS SO CRAZY IT LITERALLY FELT LIKE WATCHING ENDGAME

JIMMY SOLIDARITY !!!

MUMBO JUMBO !!!!!

impulse thinking about skizz as he's dying :(((((

HE DID IT ALL FOR SKIZZ :(((((((((

i was so upset this made me sob like a baby

SOUP GROUP :(((

SKIZZLY!!! :(((

warden :/

SCAR PEARL INTERVIEW :( HOTGUY RETIRING :( I LOVE THEM

THE CHEMICAL MUTATING PEOPLE IS JUST ESTROGEN BEING A GIRL JUST DOES THAT TO YOU

grian and scar playing volleyball is that a haikyuu reference....

OH THIS PEARL IN THIS COMIC IS REALLY GOOD

cuteguy is so spiderman coded

GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW !!!!!! WE'VE COME FULL CIRCLE !!! SOBBING !!!!

god all in all this was so crazy. it was such an obvious labour of love and everyone who was involved with it did such a good job and obviously put so much love into it AND IT WAS WORTH IT !!!! insanely good work thank you to everyone for doing this and sharing it for free?? @hotguycomiczine y'all are crazy. incredible work <333

[antariies]

how to build a chair........... director's cut ∠( ᐛ 」∠)__ this is about to be a very long very self-indulgent post where i just talk about my own writing. i also doodled on all the pages i think it makes the whole thing more fun to go thru. welcome to my ted talk

SIKE before i begin. credit where credit is due, this post was the start of it all. it changed my brain chemistry my jaw was dropped i was in awe i was obsessed and before i even finished it i knew that i would eventually have to make something similar for the commander or else i would be cursed to think about it for the rest of my life. and i Was cursed for like two years every day i would just be like........ is today the day i sit down and draft the commander chair fic of my dreams....... maybe tomorrow......

and then i got accepted as a writer for the gw2 zine ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ the chair idea was actually my backup option in case my first idea didn't pan out, and thank god it didn't, bc this one worked so much better. (still working on my initial idea, just turning it into a full fic! it was wayyy too long to be a zine submission.)

this is the chair i used. i downloaded the assembly instructions and tried out a bunch of different free pdf editors until i found one i liked, which ended up being sedja. if anyone's interested in doing something like this, i recommend printing out the pdf and writing directly on it! it was a lot easier for me to just figure out everything on paper first and then digitalize it after :P here's a picture of my physical copy

okay actually getting into it for real this time !!!!!

1. yeah i could've just erased the ikea logo and left a blank space but then i realized i could turn it into an in-universe joke. and then i ran with it.

2. i ripped this straight from the product description on the website. thanks ikea

3. i'm not sure if anyone went and looked it up, but it's a real item code!

hehe :3c

4. if your commander willingly goes to therapy i'm happy for them but TO ME? you'd have to drag the commander kicking and screaming. it's not that they don't know that something is wrong with them, they know, and they know YOU know. you're just never supposed to talk about it. they don't look at their own psych eval results bc that's none of their business.

5. i normally avoid specifying the commander's race when i write them bc i enjoy the challenge, but for the zine i was assigned to write about a norn commander! as a human main i was uhhhh very ill-equipped. but that just meant i had to study up on my norn lore (•̀ᴗ•́)و i spent hours on the wiki, then went around interviewing norn mains for their opinions, which was great fun :D it all helped me narrow the focus of my piece: joining the war on commander objectification on the side of commander objectification (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ and no one self-aggrandizes quite like the norn commander!

and to balance that i knew my narrator had to be patronizing as shitttt. they've clearly been following the commander since the beginning and seem to know a lot of intimate details about their life, despite not thinking very highly of them. wonder who that could be :3c

6. i can't stop making references. so the original part number is actually #122620 in the manual but i've changed it here (and on the previous page!) to #082812, as in 08/28/12, the date gw2 was released! no real reason for it, @dalennaugw suggested it for funsies and i liked it. if you're my pal and i show you a wip and you have a cool idea for it, chances are i Will put that shit in. hi dale if you're reading this

7. another thing about me. i loveeee repetition. here the word "over" is repeated four times to match the picture. honestly a lot of the creative process for this piece was just staring at the pages and figuring out how to tie the pictures to the commander in ways that weren't extremely corny or trite. idk why i enjoy writing like this when i could be frolicking in the beautiful prosaic meadows of a word doc instead but. it's like i see a tiny little restrictive box and i'm like OH BOY can't wait to think inside of that thing!!! i like when the format matters just as much as the content and in some cases informs the content. am i making any sense here. well all you need to know is that i'm a virgo and my favorite book is house of leaves

7. aw fuck just realized i wrote 7 twice. whatever i'm not changing it this is 7 part two now. the theme of my piece is glory, what it means to the norn commander, and how far they're willing to go for it.

8. does norn culture place emphasis on seeking individual glory Yes are norn also very community-oriented Also Yes. i think it's common to see norn kids napping together in a big pile, usually after they've worn themselves out playing games outside. it makes sense practically (apes together warm) and socially (pack bonding good) but that's just my hc. growing up i used to share a bed with my cousins all the time so it's normal to me.

a young, naive not-yet-commander, with no real combat experience, has no point of reference to compare a "blaze of glory" to. but the way everyone talks about it, it must be a good thing. a wonderful thing. a reward fit for a life well-fought and a legend hard-earned. so they imagine it must feel like falling asleep surrounded by the people they love, who love them in turn.

9. .........i was playing a lot of ace attorney when i wrote this page. i wish i was joking 👍🏼

10. ohhh shit the truth come OUT this whole chair thing was all a ploy just so i could write about the departing. again.

will i ever stop thinking about her. reply hazy, try again later.

11. out of all the pages, this one has the most emphasis on text placement, like comparing the enlarged picture of the screw to a sword, the numbers counting the screws, and "up up up" being arranged to mimic a wisp of smoke.

i also wanted to lean into the viking/norse mythology influences with my word choice.

12. more nods to norn culture. i didn't know they referred to the six human gods as "spirits of action" until i was doing the research for this piece :O

and the domain of the lost is called a hall of ghosts....... cause valhalla.....

13.

i'm sorry this so funnyyy. SAYS the guy who literally clawed their way back to life for a rematch.

me when i'm in a sore loser competition and my opponent is the COMMANDER!!!

14. arms as in "limbs" and also arms as in "armaments" :•]

15. haha get it because the picture makes it look like there are two mirrored speech bubbles while the text paints two opposing interpretations of the norn commander. one that's selfless and humble versus one that's selfish and vainglorious.

16. and the best part is IT DOESN'T MATTER which one is true bc at the end of the day no matter what their motivation, balthazar is dead by their hand. ofc i'm of the opinion that the most compelling interpretation of the commander is both, simultaneously. contradictions are good for the soul.

17. i could've name-dropped kas, the only person present that would do something like that, but i felt it was better to leave it ambiguous.

18. low-hanging fruit. the metaphor was so obvious here but i had to do it. for the culture

19. the alternate title for this piece was "THIS COULD BE GLORY". "how to build a chair" was only supposed to be a placeholder title til i figured out a better one, but the innocuousness of it grew on me. also i came up with the other one too late and had already advertised under the chair title lol

20. my first instinct was to end it with something more reassuring, like "what you have built so far is enough" but that would've been an ooc switch-up for a narrator who has been nothing but snide and detached this whole time. gotta stick to my guns

21.

obligatory chair joke as the last line. for realsies though it’s meant to be an earnest appeal to the commander to take a break, to have a seat, but it’s also a challenge. are they willing to lean on their friends? are the bonds they’ve forged strong enough to hold their weight? are they willing to put their faith in someone else’s hands? are they brave enough to try? well. only one way to find out.

also guess what that wasn’t even the real last page of the manual. it's THIS

but no way i was letting this be the image we ended on. IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK AND BALLS!!!

and on that note, THANK YOU if you made it this far!! a very special shout-out to @hawkepockets, my lovely boyfriend and beta reader, without whom this piece would not be nearly as polished. i would bring him pages to look over and he would say Scrap half of those lines you can do better than that. kill your darlings. i would complain and argue for a few minutes then we would revise. rinse and repeat until we had honed this thing to perfection. i can't stress enough the importance of having a second pair of eyes on your work throughout your creative process, even better if it's someone who challenges you. i don't even pay him 🫶🏼

and if there was anything i didn't cover that you still have questions about, please feel free to shoot me an ask! (ㅅ´ ˘ `)♡ thanks for reading! see u later dudes ;P

[kittenintheden]

2024 Fic Rundown

tagged by the beautiful and lovely @amoremagnificentbastard, thank you love!

words posted: 297,593 (holy shit? lmao)

additional words written: I have no idea, man. I worked on some personal projects and a lot of work stuff last year.

grand total of words: more than above.

fandoms: BG3 all day err day

highest kudos: Not Your Sweetheart currently at 1,583

highest hit oneshot: Ethics Review (3,059)

new things I tried: I tried out a few different pairings and perspectives I'd never done, I did a parody/spoof piece, and I did my first fandom zine!

fic I spent the most time on: Not Your Sweetheart by a freaking mile lmao

fic I spent the least time on: idk probably When I Think About You which I wrote in a single evening.

favorite thing I wrote: Not Your Sweetheart will always get this designation bc of the time and love I put into it but as far as one-shots... I Slit the Throat of Your Confidence for stretching my writing muscles and Poker Face for the sheer amount of people I was able to fool and fun I had doing so.

favorite thing(s) I read: Longing by viennacherries, which is a Dammon/Tav fic!! But there's so much honestly great work out there. Something for literally every taste.

writing goals for 2025:

completing Not Your Sweetheart

starting a newsletter (not for fic, for something else)

completing a draft for an original novel

working on other projects that went by the wayside last year

new works:

my BG3 Winter Big Bang project, coming in February!

getting back to It's Always Sunny in Nine Hills, hopefully

one-shots when the mood strikes

no-pressure tags for @shewhowas39 @atsadi-shenanigans @bloodinwine @astarionfreak @brain-rot-central

[kiwi-luminaryofthestars]

Chapter 4 is up!!

Was gonna say I had no idea how to link this chapter on tumblr but look at me, I figured it out! Chapter 4 is up, if you so dare to read this absolute monster of a fucking chapter. It took me like two hours to just do another once-over before I posted it, holy shit.

And there's art at the bottom!! Super cool!! (DON’T SKIP TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAPTER FOR THE ART, YOU WILL GET SPOILED; I AM SO SORRY PERSON WHO COMMENTED 😭😭)

Some behind the scenes stuff I thought might be cool to include here, if that's something that interests you. Moreso for my benefit, I suppose, but there's a read more because it's spoilers:

The discussion between Rantaro and Kokichi was one of the first conversations I fully drafted out for this fic when I started outlining. It has changed somewhat as the outline was fleshed out, but the big pieces have always been the same, so if that tells you its importance, I don’t know what else does lol. I actually have all of the Rantaro conversations already drafted out (though there are technically only two more super important ones). I hope his role is as interesting to you as I think it is. 

One of the reasons I struggled so endlessly with writing this last section is because I initially did just have Kyoko and Shuichi sitting down for a normal interview. I scrapped that idea near immediately because it just felt so boring (glad I did). I also scrapped another idea that I won’t divulge quite yet because I think I may still use it in a later chapter. 

The lovely @psaiouma was so kind as to lend me a copy of a DICE zine that I realized, after drafting out some of the first section, I accidentally copied a little bit. And I thought I was so clever making it so they didn’t actually know what their acronym was lol. So I tried to keep the acronyms away from what was used in the first fic in that zine, though I could only go so far (that acronym is ridiculous, dammit Kokichi!) 

I know it’s typical to give Kokichi the chess-move-type metaphors, but I thought it would be interesting to let Shuichi take a lot of his inspiration from Kokichi in this chapter and, thus, feel as if he’s playing chess with the various people he has to trick. Clearly, he’s not as good at it as Kokichi, lol, but hopefully that wasn’t so jarring to read.

Aaaand yeah, I'm taking a break for like a week lol. I have been sitting on this futon since 4:00 am finishing this and I need a shower, the sun, food, and maybe a glass of wine. Don't be like me lol

Hope everyone has a great day and this bombshell of a stupid chapter isn't unbelievably overwhelming. I appreciate those who have been so hyped about this and hope it continues to be something interesting for you to read :)

[satanfemme]

followed u for ur vinylocity/danger days stuff. vinyl is like. in my head (an alter) and there's not much out there abt him that we haven't made ourselves and it felt comforting to see ur art and writing. stayed for your new posts and your zine stuff :) really really cool

o7 our warrior's bond ... <3

tangentially related but I'm bored at work and I'm feeling prompted to ramble: I have such a complicated relationship with the art I was pumping out during my last danger days phase because a lot of it was very very important to me at the time, and I still hold a lot of the fandom's/friendgroup's headcanons close to my heart. (<- also has danger days alters as u might know. 3 fictives and 1 kinnie. wow. that's almost half of the alters I'm currently keeping track of)

but at the same time I've matured a lot as an artist since then. which isn't to say the art I was making was bad per se (especially if others still find value in it, which I know people do. that alone proves it's good and valuable!!!!!! regardless of my opinions as the creator), but I've returned to some of it once or twice and. frankly I don't enjoy looking at it anymore, largely because I know I could do much better now.

in fact there's certain fics and concepts I desperately want to bring back, rethink the themes and styles and tone and characters more thoughtfully and purposefully, and fully re-do as original fiction (which obviously wouldn't be difficult in the context of danger days, where the original mcr-made story is so bare bones and already incredibly derivative.)

but idk when this will happen, because despite its importance to me danger days is obviously on the back-burner in my mind and has been for quite a while now. even if many parts of my system feel tied to it still, the current hosts of my system (and so: the parts of me who decide how I spend 90% of my day) don't care about danger days at all. when you're motivated by emotions and whims (re: my adhd) not caring about something means you can't really do anything with it, even if I have ideas that on an intellectual level I think would be really cool.

with all that said however, danger days has always come and gone from my life since I was like 13, so I know it'll come back again eventually. and I'm looking forward to when it does because I already know what stories I'm gonna write (and re-write) once that happens. could happen this year, could happen in 10 years, but one day it'll happen.

btw I'm glad you've been enjoying my zines and current posts :-) regardless of what themes or stories I'm exploring, I always love creating stuff and I love it when people enjoy what I create <3 thanks

[ladymomomymomoness]

Hello! I just wanted you to know that I am obsessed with My Way in the worst way, I have been in the comment section on Ao3, but I just needed you to know the depths of the intense obsession I have right now. I think I have it opened on like four or so tabs and I've been reading it to a friend on the Radiostatic Zine discord and I have been yapping about it to anyone who will listen! I've recommended it a few times and the part with the priest and Vox's revelation from ch18 bled out into my irls and some work friends heard me yapping about it as well.

Wow this is like…the best compliment I’ve gotten. For real! To know that you’re out there talking to people about a fanfiction I’m writing, and not just online, but people in your real life?? That’s insane! This is the first big fic I’ve ever written and to know that I’m out here touching people’s lives in such a way is incredible. Like obviously, touching peoples lives in such a way is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but to know I’m bringing this much joy (you know, torturing people with the angst and all) is great! Truly great. I’m glad you love it so much, despite how slow the updates come. I wish I could update faster because believe me when I say this story consumes my life as well. Even if I’m busy with other things, God I’m so busy, I for sure think about wanting to write for this story at least once a day.

But uhm, now I’m curious. Your comment about saying you’re in the comment section on Ao3 makes it sound like you’re commenting routinely on the story and not just reading the comments. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your profile name on Ao3? Just curious because I have a couple routine commenters on the story.

And thank you so much for letting me know this! It means a lot!

[0vergrownruins]

3 and 18 for the ask game!

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Probably ‘for want of a king-pulled cart’! I haven’t updated it in a year which is uh. Embarrassing. But it was a big bang fic that I used an idea I’d been sitting on a long time for, and I’m really pleased with myself for getting as far as I did! I devoted a lot of time into trying to create a compelling dynamic for mbj and sqh (horrible cocktail of pred/prey, obsession, and maladaptive responses to affection lmao), and the response from readers has been so wonderful. It also has like seven million of my favorite kinks and tropes/scenarios so I’m very >:)) about how popular the fic is.

For those who love the fic (looking at you, folks in the moshang events server, who keep jumpscaring me by talking about it when I’m not there), have no fear! I 1000% have plans to finish it, in no way will I leave you permanently hanging!!

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Definitely Dan Heng in ‘a moment they may yet see’ and a zine fic that won’t come out until next year. Probably moreso the unreleased fic, since it has more plot to it. I’m used to writing Shang Qinghua now, who has a LOT of inherent humor to his narration; trying to switch gears to a much more aloof and serious lad like DH broke my brain a little, I think. Not to mention both fics have him interacting with Jing Yuan and Blade who are both also more subdued characters (sort of *stares at blade*) compared to MXTX characters, so. I still tried to mix some humor into my writing because it’s my favorite thing to do, but I really don’t think I have a good handle on his character yet. Shakes him. Who are you slut

[chiimeramanticore]

Part of the Band - Chapter 24 - Bang on My Drum

Chapter summary: Dook and Beach Bear take a late night trip to the beach. Dook can't stop thinking about his family. Beach Bear can't stop thinking about his family, either. A/N:

POTB LIVES!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!! oh my god I've been writing this thing for two fucking years I've been a little stuck on how I want the rest of this arc to play out, and that combined with uhh (checks notes) running a zine, selling other fanmerch, getting on antidepressants, kinda just generally fixing my life a lot.... turns out that stuff can get in the way of writing gay animatronic fanfiction lol. but I said this fic dies when I do and I meant it!! i can't guarantee quicker updates going forward, bc life does love to get in the way, but i do have the next chapter (which was actually supposed to be This chapter until I got stuck) half written. so if I manage to get it unstuck that'll probably be done pretty quick. idk I'm waffling atp lol tldr thank you for being patient! and thank you for the continued interest during the unintended hiatus! hope you like this one :]

Chapter word count: 1,977 <- Chapter 23 - Chapter 25 -> (soon!) Read it on AO3!

A/N:

one more thing before you read! the first chunk of this chapter will be a lot easier to understand if you use these handy floorplans i made of dook's parents' house :] please enjoy my floorplans i love making floorplans

-----

"Mom?" Dook calls as he bursts through the front door. "Mama, I'm home!"

He pauses in the small foyer to pull off his boots before continuing. He hasn't been home in years– the house almost feels smaller after all this time.

"Mama?" Dook enters into the living room only to find it empty. On the coffee table, a plate with the remaining scraps of a sandwich. Someone must be home.

"Ma," Dook calls again, passing into the dining room. Empty. He keeps moving. "Pa?"

The kitchen is empty, too. "...Hello?" Dook glances around aimlessly. Usually this place is full of people– where did everyone go? He turns around and leaves the way he came, instead heading toward the stairs.

"Hello...!" He calls as he begins the climb up. "Diane? ...Dingo? ...Daisy? ...Daniel? ...Anyone?" The silence is beginning to unsettle him.

The upstairs floor of the house is a stretch of hallway lined with doors. Dook reaches for the nearest door handle and enters the foyer.

...Wait. Dook turns back toward the door he just entered– it's the front door. He blinks, bewildered, before removing his boots and continuing into the kitchen.

The kitchen is empty, save for a plate with the remaining scraps of a sandwich left on the counter. Someone must be home. Right? "M– Mom? Pa?" Dook continues through the door and back out to the upstairs hallway, far from the stairs.

Okay, this isn't funny anymore. "Hello?" Dook shouts more than calls at this point. "Who's here?" He pulls another door open, and enters the living room. The coffee table is piled high with plates of sandwiches. Dook tries to leave the way he came, but the door is gone– no, there never was a door there, right?

The dining room is empty. There's no furniture. Dook tries to pay it no mind, yet hastens his pace forward through the doorway and into the upstairs hallway again. From behind the door he just came through– was there ever a door?– something clatters to the floor. Someone must be home.

Dook breaks into a run, hurrying down the stairs and finding himself in the kitchen again. He reaches for the door to the backyard– he's in the dining room again.

"Please," he breathes as he sprints through the doorway. The kitchen. The hallway. The foyer. The dining room. The hallway. The living room.

Dook almost continues through the doorway to the dining room again, but hesitates. Then, he runs the opposite direction, to the front door, pushing it open–

He's in his bedroom.

Its exactly like it was when he was a kid. Walls painted a deep blue, adorned with space-themed posters and star charts pulled out of books. Though they must have long faded, the ceiling is still sprinkled with glow-in-the-dark plastic stars. Toys strewn on the floor– action figures, cars, spaceships. His bed, built to resemble a red race car.

That's his side of the room, at least. The other half– his brother's– was a different story. Clean, simple, academic. Shelves with trophies and other accolades. Bookshelves filled with novels and textbooks instead of comics. A loft bed with a desk underneath, a single pencil left there.

"Dingo," Dook grumbles. His brother seemed to live to upstage him. So talented, so smart, so gifted. What does it matter if he got into an expensive college for music? Dook's made a percussion instrument out of nearly anything he could get his hands on since the age of three, and no one ever called him a prodigy.

He steps over to Dingo's side of the room. Neither of them live here anymore. Dook isn't sure if his other siblings still do. Dook isn't sure anyone lives here anymore. Maybe that's why this place has felt so haunted. He pulls open the drawer of the desk, finding a picture frame face-down inside.

It's a family photo. Two parents, four siblings, two pairs of aunts and uncles, thirteen cousins, one first cousin, three family friends, and two grandparents.

Dook isn't in the photo.

A floorboard creaks to his right, and suddenly Dook finds himself awake on Beach Bear's couch. He stares at the ceiling for a moment before deciding to sit up.

"...Beach Bear?" He calls groggily.

Beach Bear startles, turning around. "Dook–! You scared me."

"Sorry," Dook says. He's caught Beach Bear standing just a few feet off from the front door. "...Where you goin'?"

"Well, I... I couldn't sleep. I figured it might help to get some fresh air."

"On the roof?" Dook asks. Beach Bear shakes his head.

"Nope." Then, without any other explanation, "Feel like coming with me?"

Dook would jump off a bridge if Beach Bear asked him to. "Yeah," he mutters sleepily.

"Don't bother getting changed. Just meet me in the car," Beach Bear says, leaving before Dook can reply. Dook doesn't need to, though– he simply slips on his boots and follows Beach Bear outside.

Beach Bear is already in the car by the time Dook makes it outside, and Dook follows his lead. Neither speak a word until after the car has been parked and Beach Bear has led Dook to the shore. Finally, he sits, just a few feet away from the waves lapping at the sand. Dook lingers for a moment before sitting, transfixed by the waves.

"...I've never done this before," Beach Bear admits after a few more silent moments. "I... don't know what I was expecting."

"You don't like it?" Dook asks.

"I do, it's just..." He trails off.

Dook doesn't know what he's getting at. Something must be troubling him, but Beach Bear seems like he's a tougher nut to crack than usual tonight. "I couldn't really sleep, either," he offers. When Beach Bear says nothing, he continues.

"I was, uh... I was havin' a weird dream. Before you woke me up. 'Bout, ah..." He replays the scene in his mind. His bedroom. That picture... "A- about my family."

"You never talk about them," Beach Bear murmurs. His gaze is fixed hard on the horizon.

"Yeah." Dook pulls his knees closer to his chest. "It's, uh..." Where would he even begin? "Big family, y'know?"

Beach Bear hums affirmatively, but offers no further response. Not making it any easier for him, Dook thinks.

"Big family," he repeats. "Four siblings. Lotta cousins." Dook hasn't seen any of them in years. "Lotta work for just two parents." Beach Bear remains stoic, silent. Dook looks up at him. "Beach Bear?"

Beach Bear's eyes only move vaguely in Dook's direction. "Yeah?"

He's got to get him involved in the conversation somehow. "You're an only child, right?"

"Yeah. Something like that," Beach Bear mutters, gaze returning to the ocean.

Dook frowns. "Is everything okay?"

This seems to bring Beach Bear back a little, his brow furrowing a bit at the question as he looks at Dook again. "What? Yeah." It seems like he's about to clam up again, but they make eye contact this time, and Dook sees something in him soften. "I'm just... having weird dreams, too. That's all."

"What are yours about?" Dook asks.

Beach Bear opens his mouth to deflect again, and then seems to thinks better of it. Still, though, he glances away with embarrassment before confessing, "...Queenie." Then, "It's just– I just keep thinking about this gig, this– this contest the stupid manager put us in. I keep having dreams about it all going wrong. Like, if she sabotages our set somehow, or breaks our instruments so we can't play, or– I don't know. I guess I'm stressing over it."

Dook knows the feeling. "I feel like she's tryin' to get in your head," he says. "Y'know. Replacing you, basically."

"She replaced everyone," Beach Bear grumbles.

"She... did?" Dook fails to hide the nervous tone in his voice. He recalls seeing the other band members, tries to recall their faces...

"Yeah. Some stupid vanity project, huh?" Beach Bear digs his claws into the sand a bit. "...Why do you ask?"

"Uh–" Dook isn't even sure of what he's thinking, let alone how to say it. "I... I thought I recognized one of 'em."

Beach Bear is quiet again. Dook doesn't find himself as frustrated this time, though– something has been simmering inside him, and he feels it bubbling over now. "My family," he starts. "I had four siblings. Diane, Daisy, Daniel, and Dingo. I– I don't know where any of 'em are now." He bites back the ache in his chest when he says that, replacing it with an anger that propels him forward. "I hated Dingo. I h... Well, I didn't hate him, but... He was– He was such a fuckin' p- progeny!"

"Prodigy," Beach Bear cuts in.

"He was–! Good! At everything!" Dook huffs, letting his mistake only push him further. "Better at everything than me! And I– My parents put everything into him! Him and my other siblings, and my cousins, and..." He feels himself losing steam, and he doesn't like the feeling. Pulse quickening, Dook stands and grabs a beer bottle someone had left in the sand–

"And it sucked!" He punctuates his sentence by chucking the bottle as hard as he can into the ocean. It flies a decent way off before plopping into the water. Dook stands there, breath heavy and uneven. "It– It sucked," he says. "It was..."

He trails off, gaze stuck on the spot where the bottle landed in the water. He doesn't know if it made him feel any better. He didn't realize how upset he was to begin with.

Dook returns to Beach Bear's side, though after a pause long enough that Beach Bear must have noticed. He pulls his knees toward his chest again, wrapping his around the front of his legs and resting his head on top. They sit quietly for another moment before Dook speaks again.

"I... I was good. I thought I was good. Thought I was a musician. No one else did, I guess. Goin' to detention for drummin' on my desk. Parents only ever told me I ought'a go to a music school. 'Why can't you be more like Dingo, Dook?' Just 'cause I don't play Mozart... Don't mean that's all there is to music."

"Yeah," Beach Bear chimes in. He chuckles a bit. "My dad's the same way. You remember."

That whole night exists only as a humiliating blur in Dook's memory. "I remember," he says.

"Your brother go to a good school?" Beach Bear asks.

"The best," Dook replies bitterly. "Most expensive, too. Wasn't even an issue, 'cause he got all these stupid scholarships... Paid the rest himself. My parents didn't have to worry at all."

"...Showoff," Beach Bear says.

Dook scoffs. Then, a chuckle, then a laugh. "Yeah! Really." The mood is lighter now, and he almost forgets why he'd brought Dingo up to begin with.

And then he remembers, and his smile falls.

"You didn't... happen to recognize any of Mini's, y'know... replacements, did you?" He asks cautiously.

"Hm? No," Beach Bear says.

Their eyes meet again, and Dook knows he isn't concealing the worried look on his face well enough. "I... I ain't seen him in years, y'know?" He says. "So I don't really know what he looks like these days, but..."

"But?"

"But I... I saw the way he looked at me. Like he knew me."

Beach Bear sighs, taking in the situation. After a moment of pondering, all he can offer is, "...Shit."

"Shit," Dook concurs, looking back out at the ocean. They fall back into silence, both meditating on the waves and chewing on the predicament. Eventually, though, the calm of the waves wins out in Dook's mind. Or maybe he's just tired. He distantly wishes he could fall asleep here, sink into the sand and never come back.

But he knows he can't. They've got band practice in the morning.

[phaerlax]

Looking back at 2024 writings~ ✍️

Thought I'd have my own go at those "a year in art" things that artists do! I wrote something every month this year! Usually multiple somethings. There were a lot of fan events, huh. Here are the highlights... (The underlined things are links btw)

January: 🧪🌈🐍 supervised sex for science

This fic was way more popular than my average! The perks of not writing about GaruKaru... but evidently that allure did not hold me back for the rest of the year lmao I wrote this for a 2023 secret santa, but the deadline was until January and I only started in January, so it counts. I had fun with the fic, even though it's a bit outside of the 'written for sexual gratification' zone I usually go for.

February: 🐺🦈🎁🐺 Blade b-day bonanza

For the Blade birthday fanweek, I wrote this story wherein Garu and Karu give him a cute present. Then they fuck (unrelated). The main thing I like about this in retrospect is how I depicted Karu somehow failing to top someone who is clearly ok with doing whatever he says. さすがカイルくん...

March: 🐺❄️🐺 c'est le pupcest

I wrote it in response to a prompt in the Kink Meme, but also gifted it to Sungel because Sungel had been asking for something like this for a while and I would feel really smug if they were the anon who submitted the prompt but alas that they were not. Anyway. Garu's separation anxiety in Frozen Echoes sure was something, huh? Kink-wise, I love the 'wrestling for dominance' trope and I love the idea of Garu going along with it just to humor Karu but somehow winning.

April: 🌈😈🐺 Morvay madness

One of my Morvay week contributions! I also did one for Karu/Morvay but that was less popular. I'm very fond of both anyway. Morvaru, my beloved...! I will continue to be your only prophet. Really hoping 2025 will bring us more Morvay content in general. Anyway, Garu gets to stick his little thing in someone again in this story and that's neat. Have I made Garu top more frequently than Karu lol

April was also a month in which I wrote quite a lot of my problematic original spanking-focused fics, hm. There was the bunny boys story, the mechanical boy, a new chapter of Smitten, and the prince/slaves fic!

May: 🌈🐺/🦊🐺 good master bad master

This is one of my Kuyaru Week pieces! Hugely inspired by that Ray drawing of Karu getting a hairbrush hiding from Kuya (which was in turn inspired by me of course, our relationship is beautiful). I thought it would be fun to compare Eiden brushing Garu's tail to Kuya 'brushing' Karu's tail. I was right, it was fun. Karu getting spanked will always do it for me. I also had Kuya turn him into a bunny that month, which was darker but also fun. A bit of strangulation for my good friend and editor who deserves such treats (do you see how beautiful our relationship is).

June: 🌈🪦 he died as he lived,

The first of many drabbles I'd submit to nuflashfic's Drabbles for the Birthday Boy(s) challenges. Writing these drabbles is quite fun. I get to make something really quick and dirty but still feel a sense of accomplishment. I think they're also a good creative exercise in figuring out which words actually matter. I managed to fit so many characters in this first one!

July: 🧪🐺 guilt-ridden medicinal dogfucking

This was written for the Rei zine! I knew that I wanted to write Reiaru for that project (see here), but Rei and GaruKaru's backstory was still nebulous when it began. I waited and waited, hoping that we'd get some elaboration, and boy did we! I ended up leaning into Rei's sense of duty in taking care of Garu, even though that kind of sentimentalism isn't much my cup of tea. This story inspired a very talented Chinese artist to draw this amazing piece, which is still crazy to me.

July is also the month of Human Quality, and Kuya/Quincy/GaruKaru which might be my best work.

August: 🐺☀️🐺🦀 can't meme this any harder

For the Dante zine, Sunkissed! Turns out that pairing the least popular characters in a not very evocative scenario doesn't go over so well, hits-wise. Whatever man, I got a crab fight scene. There's even art of it in the zine, drawn by contacthigh, whose dantaru pitches led me to the whole concept actually. I enjoy the instances of "Karu gets irrationally annoyed at Dante's use of magic to solve problems" in this story. Also the dogs being cluelessly sexy.

August is also when we started the Everyone/Garu anthology! I wrote the Dante chapter, then the Blade chapter, then the Morvay chapter, and edited all of the others. I'm very proud of that fic; three minds turned to a singular purpose... dogfucking 😌 we accomplished much.

September: 🦊🐺♀️ lesbian yaoi...?!

I had to see if I could... it seems that I can. My preferred flavor of humiliation transcends gender barriers to some extent, apparently. This year I lowkey found some latent bisexuality within me; I blame the gyaru bratty uke in that "Fucked by my best friend" manga.

October: ☀️🦇🏖️ bikini Aster, your honor

For Daster Week! I know that people are generally more interested in getting their bottom Dante / subverted expectations fix from daster, but I like bottom Aster too. I enjoy the dynamic of Aster being very manipulative and weaponizing his cuteness to push Dante around. This fic was inspired by that incredible fanart I'm happy to have boosted. Not enough people are sexualizing the cute boys to my taste in this game and I will continue working to change that. That sounded wrong but tbh it's meant that way.

November: 🦇🐺🍣🥢forever snacking on Karu

November was a busy, busy month with Wolves Week 2024! Apparently I only have a couple drabbles, since most of my effort went into writing the Morvay chapter and editing the Karu chapter of Project F.T.D. But I had to put out at least a little something for astaru! And continue consolidating my paralysis fetish...

December: 🐺🐍🌡️ shivering snake shenanigans

My contribution to this year's Advent Calendar, finally some proper yakaru from me! I love Karu being fussy (and failing to top, of course). Yakumo disastrously losing control of his urges is always good too. Though funnily enough, I'd rather see both of them be dommed and frustrated at the same time. Neither of these boys should top. Kuya please--

Closing thoughts

This was a year in which I got more "serious" about writing, starting around September or so. I don't want to be a professional writer (being forced to 'create' is something that I dread and the main reason I decided to quit academia this year!), but I'm starting to make a career out of editing/proofreading, in addition to my translation work. And it's kind of crazy how much fic-writing and beta reading have helped me hone essential skills for that field!

It has also been a year of liberation, in the sense that I started out still quite nervous about exposing the depths of my particular depravities. As the new year approaches, I realize I'm quite different now; I have no problem listing out the specific things that most appeal to me in smut, or shamelessly hitting those same buttons over and over and over in my writing. I'm fueled and encouraged by the kudos and comments from people who are almost always there for it 💛 Thank you for always being in my morning AO3 e-mails.

For 2025, I want to go back through my older fics and give them minor makeovers; fixing some jank, standardizing punctuation, that kind of stuff. I also want to give closure to the non-oneshot fics that aren't finished. But mostly I want to keep joining fan events and giving myself anxiety over deadlines, because I love looking back at everything later and seeing some impact on the fandom. It's neat. It's kind of like having a social life.

I might branch out into Noctilucent and Jock Studio fics in 2025 too, in addition to my sporadic and, uh, specialized original work.

Mucho texto, end post

[bcbdrums]

11, 27, 28?

11. What fic was the most difficult to write?

Oh, easily Saudade. Writing another person's headcanons, especially when they're AU and I don't personally relate them to the characters, was a huge challenge. But in the end I was very satisfied with the product and extremely proud of myself. I enjoy getting to see that yes, I actually can do these sorts of things. Makes me feel better about myself as a writer overall.

27. How many events did you take part in? (bangs, exchanges, ship weeks, zines, prompt memes, they all count!)

Ohhhh boy... Technically ahh... Including the unfinished one (sorry, Teeth; still working on it and I love it) I thiiiink it was eight? I think eight. There are some unfinished prompt ones too but those were mostly for me, not for a bigger event. The biggest was the Soul Eater Reverb event, and I guess arguably that uhhh... Rare Kink event (forgot what it's called) was a bigger one but when things are done wholly anonymously and so huge, it feels small somehow, and then I also did Ficwip's Hey, Sweetheart event for two fandoms... Yeah. I love events and I love prompts. Wish life hadn't gotten in the way of letting me do more (as it always does, lol).

28. If this were an awards show, who would you thank?

Heh. A lot of people. Man I could go on and on... Ironically this is less about writing and more about just...people who were there for me. Thank you... @legendary-guest I've told you already, but our conversations have shaped and re-shaped a lot of my perspectives on a lot of things, both online and off. I think about your words constantly. @blackbloodteeth for being a role model. I look up to you a lot both as a creator and for how you conduct yourself in fandom. You're always unapologetically you, and you've no idea how often I think about you and use your example to help drive me. @asymmetryestablished for being there and being what I needed, when I needed it. You just knew and still do. You got me through one of the roughest patches of this year/arguably my life and I know you'll always be there. It means more than I can express. @midnightcaptions 24/7 you're the other half of me, no matter what that looks like. There aren't words. @cannibal-nightmares My friend, there....there really aren't words. You're my heart.

thanks for the ask! :)

[burins]

2024 WRITING REVIEW

tagged by @vechter !! thank you so much for the tag i will try not to be tremendously maudlin in response! idk if @timetoboldlygo @rolameny or @try-set-me-on-fire did a fic year in review already. Also if you see this and would like to do it genuinely consider yourself tagged I would love to see your thoughts!

number of stories posted to ao3: 7! although two of those and almost all of another were written in 2023. let's say 4.75.

word counted posted for last year: 27k (minus 8k for estate and 3k for unsent letters, so 16k. Which is frankly, a miracle)

fandoms i wrote for: fatt, dc comics, hxh

pairings: superbat, leopika, dinahbabs, alyarr. I also wrote a relatively high proportion of gen fic this year! 

stories with the most kudos, bookmarks and comment threads: everybody loved how cleanly, how quietly (the tim has friends actually manifesto) which is good because i also love how cleanly, how quietly. 

work i’m most proud of (and why): literally anything i got out this year was the product of blood sweat and tears for reasons i will get into later! I’m probably most proud of the silliest fic i published, my love sits patiently, the leopika chair fetish fic. this sprang out of a joke with some friends and rapidly became ungovernable. I’m always nervous writing for a new fandom about whether i have a good handle on the characters, but the entire process of writing this was just me sitting at the keyboard going teeheehee what if! and then putting that into the fic. I think the comedy hits and the prose is good and i managed not to make it too sad (always a danger) while still keeping the leopika sauce in there!

work i’m least proud of (and why): genuinely i don’t publish things I’m not proud of! the really id shit languishes either in my brain, my dms, or in my notes app. so I’m going to cheat by saying a fic i wrote in 2023 but only put up on ao3 in april. it’s estate, not because i don’t think it’s good-- i think it’s really good!! I gave myself a hell of a challenge in writing it (“oh i want to write a shirley jackson pastiche, from the POV of a character I’ve never written before, and also he is a child” <- words spoken by a fool, and a dingus. No one made me do this!) and I think I mostly succeeded. But because it was for a zine I had a strict word count limit, which meant i had to trim down the prose a fair amount and I think it did lose some of its effectiveness in that process. Someday maybe i’ll go through my gdocs and try to resurrect some of the bits I tightened farther than they should have gone. 

share or describe a favorite review you received: i got a lot of really, really thoughtful and lovely comments this year! I feel immensely lucky every time i write something and people like it enough to tell me so. Especially because writing was such a thorny thing for me it was deeply helpful to have people in my inbox going hey, i loved this. sometimes they did literary analysis! incredible shit!!! there are too many to have a particular favorite but someone just told me that they read to the morning come, the post-utrh superbat, a week into their DC comics journey. Which is crazy because that fic obliquely references the time the Joker was the Iranian ambassador, perhaps one of the stupidest storylines in comics. (In hindsight I could probably have come up with a different reason why Clark doesn't let Bruce kill the Joker.) I hope this person has a great time, and also I’m very sorry. 

a time when writing was really, really hard: ha. well. I don’t think this is what the question was intended to get at but for 90% of the year it was physically painful for me to write! my nerve pain came roaring back in december of 2023 and I spent months and months only able to pick at stuff a couple dozen words at a time on my phone, or trying to do bits in voice to text via a truly wild phone to computer situation, or just full of ideas rattling about that I couldn’t do very much with. I try to let it be what it is but it has been a fucking rough year and many many times it made me want to bite. I have ups and downs and I’ll probably keep having ups and downs! i hope this isn’t forever because i really miss getting to lose myself in prose. but at the end of the day we are all just working within the limits of the form and sometimes that has to be more literal than i’d like.  

a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: i was originally writing my love sits patiently leaning more heavily on the jokes. But i realized that it is much funnier and also much sweeter if leorio genuinely gives himself a chair thing because he is so horny and emotional about kurapika, so then i had to write them having sex where the chair was integral while not, myself, being into furniture in that way. (i respect our kink warriors it just isn’t For Me!) 

a favourite excerpt of your writing: i’m so pleased with all of the prose in unsent letters from the end of the world, yet another alyarr epistolary fic, but i’m particularly fond of the conclusion. I rattled around a little trying to figure out how alyosha’s voice should sound in these letters after everything he’s gone through. I was thinking a little bit of Leonard Cohen’s final letter to Marianne Ihlen-- there’s a particular certainty that comes with age, and I wanted to allow alyosha some bitterness while still acknowledging that of the various tragedies he’s witnessed, everything with arrell is probably not the top of the list. And also i wanted to stay true to the ending tone of spring in hieron, which is a story about the end of the world and the lives we make for ourselves anyway. 

What I mean to say, in a rather roundabout way for which you are no longer around to chide me, is that I write you to tell myself a story, to determine my own thoughts by writing them down. To make a story, step by meandering step. I did not begin at the beginning, and I have not ended at the end, but I have, I think, come to the conclusion anyway. I loved a false god, and I will never know what, if anything, He loved. And I loved you, Tutor, and you loved me, and it was not enough. But I also loved the world. I loved it enough to change it. I thought there should be something instead of nothing, and I made it so. I hope I was not wrong to do so. From my window I can see children playing, swinging from branch to branch. I do not think I was.

how did you grow as a writer last year: i would like to say that i learned to accept my own limitations and celebrated my victories (getting a fic out for multiple events, getting to a place where I could write almost all of my love sits patiently by sitting down at a keyboard!!!) but that is a Work In Progress. 

how do you hope to grow this year: i really do not want to jinx anything so i will just say i would like to be able to write sustainably, whatever that means for me this year. I suspect it will mean a variety of different things because what counts as sustainable changes from day to day! 

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc.): really truly cannot say enough kind things about @suedeuxnim beloved friend beta cheerleader etc. thank you for cheering me on in my dms and keeping me supplied with cat pictures. also, separately, my wonderful spouse. this is a tumblr post, not the oscar acceptance speech, and i suspect they would find it embarrassing if i went on a lot but it makes every aspect of life easier to have a partner in crime. 

anything from your real life show up in your writing last year: funnily enough the chronic pain duo fics were actually written BEFORE the big chronic pain resurgence, and also they’re from 2023. (this has actually happened to me twice, and while i’m not going to stop writing about chronic pain it does feel like maybe i am a little bit cursed.) I wrote two fics about bruce’s parenting choices and their effects on his kids and I think you can do the math! No one gets deeply into batman comics because they’re normal about fathers. Oh, in more fun things, Tim’s calendar from how cleanly, how quietly is based on the very real Daikonic Moments calendar from Omega Mart, which was our 2024 calendar. If anyone has suggestions for a 2025 calendar lmk because we got one for Christmas but it’s all bad mullets and we are not hanging it up.  

any new wisdom you can share with other writers: i spent a non-zero amount of this year feeling bummed that i couldn’t write as much as I wanted, both because writing is one of my main hobbies and also because despite my cool and untouchable image (citation needed) it is hard not to compare myself to others who are able to write much, much, much more than me! But that is silly because I am me and they are them. There have been times in my life when i was the demon of productivity and times in my life when i wrote nothing publishable all year. So my wisdom (still working on the implementation part!!!) is to celebrate what you are able to do and not what you don’t manage. And also, write for yourself and your circle of freaks and you can’t go wrong. 

any projects you’re looking to starting (or finishing) this year: anything i can finish is a win! I have a lot of projects in the hopper from almost two years ago; who knows what will happen. I did sign up for secret samol so there will be a fatt fic forthcoming, and I also signed up for another secret project (no longer secret! I'm gonna be in the Bruce Wayne pinup zine) so there’ll be something else probably in early summer. I would love to finish my jaydick injury fic. i have a second chapter of dinahbabs handler sex, but that one involves a lot of disability feelings and i’ve been putting it off because i want to do it justice. maybe superbat amnesia will happen at some point but that’s so long (and has a Real Plot) so the likelihood is slim. I have a LOT of ideas about how leopika can have sex mistakes I’d love to turn into fics but also they’re just fun to rotate. we’ll see!

[nieded]

Writing in 2024

Every year, I try and do a blog post about the things I've written in 2024, how I felt about it all, and if I learned anything. This year, it really didn't feel like I had done a lot until I went back and looked at my AO3. Then I realized I had actually written a ton, a whopping 80,000 words worth.

So beneath the cut, I'll break this down into three categories: Zines, #RR, and FTH.

Zines

Some of these fics I wrote in 2023, but I didn't post them until 2024 due to exclusivity rules, but I'll include them in this list. After the rush of Season 2, I signed up for as many zines as possible. I had the fever, and the only cure was more zines! I also had some insane executive functioning fairy (who would abandon me by summer), who inspired me to write, edit, and submit everything on time. Wild.

Wartime Correspondence, 1.5k, Teen, for Pin Me Up Vol. 2 - featuring pin-up Aziraphale!

In Good Faith, 1.7k ,Teen, for Twin Passions: A Bildad Zine - a missing scene from Job

The Thing With Feathers, 2.6k, Gen, for In Love With My Car Vol. 2 - a fic about reconciling post-S2 ft. wonderful artwork by Cat_Clawz

Best In Show, 1.4k Gen, for It Began In A Garden - where an angel and a demon enjoy retirement in the South Downs, ft incredible artwork by eglantine-c

and my favorite because Warlock lives forever rent free in my head

Falling Upwards, 2.1k, Gen, for Above Below and the Common Ground - an epistolary fic about Warlock and Crowley reuniting post-S2.

#RAINBOWROAD

Simultaneously, I was posting the final installment of #RR, 0-60 in 3.5, 49k, Teen.

I had intended to end the series with Fools Rush In, so I treat all of this as bonus content. Think of it like DVD extras. There's a very loose plot. It's basically me shitposting right up until the end. I had so much fun sharing this with everyone!

I also need to shout out @literarion, who just finished posting the #RR podfic. She has been working on it for over a year, and posting literally took all year from January to December. She never said it, but I did worry she wanted to murder me when I said I had written another part.

Lit, in my opinion, is the shining example of the talent, creativity, and generosity in the Good Omens fandom. The fact that she creates these podfics that are so high quality and makes fic accessible for more people is really fucking cool. It was also incredible for me to hear my words sound like sports broadcasts and TV interviews.

I've written a lot about how overwhelmed I get when I think about all the people who have contributed to the #RR universe, but I do want to say it again. Thank you.

Fandom Trumps Hate

Then, right around the time I wrapped up all the zines and #RR, I signed up for Fandom Trumps Hate. This was my first year doing it, and it was such a fun experience! I am floored by the generosity of people. It was also incredible to take direct prompts and brainstorm ideas with everyone. None of the final products were at all like I imagined in the beginning, but I think that goes to show the liquid nature of writing sometimes.

That said, when I started FTH, I was coming off the high of finishing all these other projects and feeling extremely productive. This summer, however, I was hit with the most severe, longest bout of depression I've experienced. I came off of several medications. My dog got cancer. Every ounce of energy I had I channeled into existing. I would have given anything to have the ability to write, but I couldn't.

Just when I finally got my feet under myself, I was offered a promotion. It was October. My boss took me out for coffee one random Monday and offered me a position I had been applying for, for years. I was excited and also stressed out because I knew I would be taking on a lot of responsibility at a time when my life felt very tenuous, but it was also an oportunity I could not miss.

FTH was heavy on my mind. In true ADHD fashion, the stress of starting a new job kicked my butt into gear. I had been slowly plugging along on all the fics over the summer but ended up reworking every single one of them. And each fic was wildly different from the other.

This also gave me the opportunity to explore a couple of ideas I had turning over in my brain for quite some time.

Let it run, 7.6k, Explicit, for Ambra - body shop/mechanic AU. Ambra wanted something hyper specific, and y'all know I love infodumping about cars. This was a really fun way to show the mundane side of cars because truthfully, I do tire writing about Ferraris and McLarens. This is so closely aligned to the life I live.

We know what we are but not what we may be, 5.3k Gen, for lynn99999 - an outsider POV fic from the perspective of Lesley, the International Express Man, who has to deliver a message to Heaven. Man, admittedly, this was both the hardest and easiest fic to write. The prompt was about a lost package inspired by lynn99999 #RR's books getting lost in the mail. I had so many ideas that I had started and scrapped, but once I landed on the final premise, I had the rough draft done in two days. Humans interacting with the Ineffables is my favorite canon trope.

Might have gone, but what for?, 5k, Explicit, for joyeousness - a 1941 fic. Hey, do you want something sad??? Many years ago, I decided I would only write happy endings (and happy endings *wink wink wink*) even though I love writing angst. So for that reason, I think this story is incomplete because it ends on an unresolved note. After S2, I had this idea churning in my brain on repeat. When I ran it by joyeousness, and they gave me the green light, I was excited to get it down in words. And yep, it ended up being as brutal as I imagined.

Under Pressure, 6.5k, Teen, for She_Jedi - in which Remy (from SDU) and Warlock (from Ground Control) meet. Let's be real. I know it says this is a gift for She_Jedi, but they really did me a favor by letting me write this. Originally, they wanted a continuation of Ground Control, and I had been sitting on this idea of having Remy, an OC from another Good Omens fic I wrote, meet Warlock. I wrote these two series around the same time, and clearly I was going through something since I wrote so much about fucking postgraduate education. I was in my pre-F1 / post-grad-school-traumatized-professional phase. So it was really fun to revisit this when both Remy and Warlock were a little older. I mean, yeah, writing is just one big projection, and I'm staring in the mirror.

2025

My goal next year is honestly to read more. I usually do a companion post with all the fic I've read through the year, and I rarely read anything in 2024. I hate that. A lot. So if you have a fic you desperately want to share, please reblog or drop a comment!

I also potentially have a silly little #RR fic in the pipeline. Maybe.