#not me hurting myself with this nope | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bread-wizards · 2 months ago

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Love Laudna wanting Orym to be the one to cut her down if need be because she feels he can make hard choices, and Travis like "uh hello? What about Chetney? You want to put Orym through that anguish? I am right here" like damn, he right tho

#chet is 400+. his relationship with grief is very different from orym who is 6 years into being a widow and being retraumatised each day #chetney is big picture #he doesnt have that same level of responsibility for the others safety and protection that someone like orym has #not to say he doesnt care. he very much does. its just different #for him sometimes caring means putting your dog down when they are suffering #orym would see having to hurt his friends as a personal failing #like how he saw himself dying as a failure #i do find it funny whenever the team is like 'what if i hurt one of you when i lose control? i couldnt live with myself :('#'anyway orym i want you to kill me on purpose'#and orym just like :/ because what is he going to do? say no?#set boundaries and take his own future mental state into account?#nope. if it helps the others then he will commit an unforgivable act and barely be able to live with the guilt after #love that the halfling has been weaponised #this sounds sarcastic. i mean it. its juicy storytelling #the hells need to take chetney into account more. this man is pop pop. he cares in the way a dad friend would #gentle and sweet at times. an empathetic listener #but also willing to smack the shit out of you if you do some fuckshit #he would be so gentle with taking them out #would immortalize them through his woodwork after to remember them #critical role #cr3 #orym #chetney #text post #4sd spoilers #my posts #idk if thats a needed tag #sorry for my wall of text tags but i ramble

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itspileofgoodthings · 5 days ago

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i love my counselor because she refuses to pry. don’t even know if she knows that’s an option, I have so rarely met a person who stays so thoroughly in her lane.

#the thing about me is that I’m an open book with an expressive face. and also I keep a lot inside and refuse to speak on things #especially things that are bothering me #and that can be irresistible to some people who just want to dig into my soul #and it’s why I was afraid of counseling for so long. that someone would be like ‘what can we unearth in Maria’s psyche’#and she just doesn’t care/doesn’t try/is only going to take me at face value #so there is lots I don’t tell her/refuse to speak on. and you know what doesn’t it MATTER. because the point is not to push myself #to some arbitrary measure of absurd honesty/openness but to talk about stuff when/if it’s helpful #also a huge way she’s already helped me is she’s just like ‘girl you’re fine’#no but actually though. she’s always like ‘you sound like you’re thriving to me!’#and she’s also just like ‘you’re busy you have energy you have plans you make good eye contact you clearly have confidence’#with the underlying message being. the thing that’s hurting you the most is your own anxiety. which sounds obvious lol #but it is kind of the sheer act of worrying itself. the other stuff is (mostly) in order #and that has helped. she also has cured me of some wrong self/belief stuff.#like I was once like ‘I’m not organized! I make no plans!’ and she was like ‘your plans have plans what are you talking about’#she also said I was highly logical and analytical and didn’t act emotionally/from a place of emotion #and I was just like ‘pikachu face’ because one of my deepest beliefs was that I WAS an emotionally driven person #and she was like nope. you’re highly rational. I mean I took it as a compliment and loved to hear it #the problem with me is when the brain will simply spiral out of control and the details become monsters and I make things a big deal #I’m super good at that #anyway yeah just processing

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bondagebimbo · 8 days ago

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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.

and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠

I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.

I’m just. I give up.

this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭

#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive #half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass #NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone #but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her #all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed #just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one #like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no #leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate #of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it #like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for #oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow #and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks #towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else #I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey #and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense #I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too #I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted #to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest #and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long #fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest #for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days

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since-times-long-forgotten · 3 months ago

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can’t keep my fucking plants alive

#fucking hell #makes me so SAD #stop DROOPING you were doing so WELL #YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE #YOU WERE DOING GOOD #angry at myself for overwatering this FUCKING CATNIP #I was SO HAPPY to find that catnip it made me feel happy and now it’s drooping and I can’t do anything but guess what’s wrong and hope I ca #fix it #like it’s PROBABLY OVERWATERED but it could be underwatering WHO KNOWS #Overwatering makes sense because it was in a fucking cup of water waiting to be repotted doing really well #but then it’s leaves started curling (overwatering??) and so I potted it and now it’s all limp and drooping #FUCK #why am I so sad about this #my chest is all heavy I don’t LIKE IT #and I can’t do anything about it #my own fault somehow. feelin not-good-stabby now. wanna hurt. but nope #my spider plants have all died #don’t know why #soil probably had shitty drainage #why did I put the catnip in the same fucking pot that the spider plants used to be in #was the only one I had available I guess #the other spider plants that the others water are doing fine why is it MY PLANTS that are dying #sun speaks #i guess #ignore this #sorry if you see this moots. pardon the swearing.

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aenslem · 1 year ago

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oooof

i better add the rest under cut

now

i am just going to leave this here

right before you throw rocks at me, this post is not about the doctor being similar to tacteun, even though, i could find the point here... this is more about the master with whom doctor acted as if she is better, who tried to change the master, who did not let the master find out who he can be on his own, because the doctor always was in the master’s life, changing it, wanting the master be like the doctor, and then, appears that doctor is in the beginning of their entire race, the master is no longer himself, and there’s no chance to be himself anymore, because doctor always will be part of him, everything he is - is because of the doctor. And she goes and tells him straight in the face - SHE IS BETTER. so he wants to hurt her, and he does it by doing something that was done to doctor, because that would mean he is superior to the doctor, and while yeah, he could hate tacteun for what she did, but

the doctor while saying all the things that the master is the person who is the most like him, acted as the friend, he still behaved like something more

and for the master he were special, while also he felt like the distant star he would never reach, something above the master, something better.

i don’t know what i was trying to say here i just love being hurt and im pretty sure if we think hard enough about all of these we would find more shit to hurt ourselves so im stopping here

#doctor who #doctor x master #and i did not even add the arcs with missy because if you think about it it hurts even more #this show keeps slapping me in the face and im loving it #look i love 13 and you know it - so don't think im hating her #nope i just love coming up with more shit to hurt myself with these two #IT'S THE RAGE AND PAIN IN MY HEARTS

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nomairuins · 2 months ago

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grahh this sucks . my entire famiyl is like Being a little weird bc of my whole little moment yesterday and i dont like it . but wtvr

#i feel so stupid abt it even tho i know it isnt my fault like. it ws just my Normal delusion + exposure to heat + edible. but i feel silly #but it was really scary i really did think that i had. Ugh it feels dumb now #basically i convinced myself my ribs had stabbed me and it hurt so bad and i could feel the blood like. i could feel internal bleeding #and whenever i moved i could feel allt he blood pour over in that direction and it was awful #nd i like . barely managed to get myself into the living room where of course everyone was having a movie night so everyone saw me fucking #shaking on the ground uncontrollably . wtvr. im so embarassed and my moms never gonna giveme an edible again probably #nd my parents thought i was having a fuckign seizure thats how bad it was but the paramedics and the nurses and stuff at the hospital were #like Nope just a bad high. my mom aays she thinks the sun played into it more #but idt. i get the Ny ribs r stabbing jnto me thing a lot. usually just when im high but sometimes not even. so i think the main 2 fcators #were my crazy and the edible. but the Laying in the sun for nearly n hour nad getting sunburnt did prolly play into it. idk. i just feel #so dumb and like. UGH. theyre all just being so nice and like. on eggshells #and i wish i had just stayed in my room and dealt with it myself idk .

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gay-fordeath · 3 months ago

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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho #bro i cant keep living like this #i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep #i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not #i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough #i get headaches every other day #my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company #i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries #which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever #and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability #in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL #AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL #do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn #i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it #its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation #fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever #but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that #but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work #from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space #theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped #i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them #i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without #fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and #overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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ghost-sound · 6 months ago

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Normalize never forgiving your abusers.

#personal #me #mental health #abuse #emotional abuse #trauma #hurt #never again #forgiveness #nope #myself

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heartshattering · 7 months ago

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Feeling like I want to give up again...

#now it's my dad who's deciding to be a jerk towards me because he's mad at my mom #okay that's cool I guess #I haven't been feeling well at all today #I can't even distract myself #my dad's being so dramatic too like it's not my fault he's on a break from work but still doing stuff he could probably get out of doing #but he wants to be away from me and my mom so. I get it #he's never at home even when he's supposedly on a break from his job lol #this is how my mom and I know he's lying about retiring #because he's always putting it off #he was supposed to retire this year but nope #if he doesn't have his job he has no excuse to get out of the house and he hates being around us #Goddddd #he is such a fucking hypocrite #getting mad at me over something he has also done before and then saying it was fine when HE did it because it was 'months ago already'#(dropping something except in his case he actually SHATTERED it lmao)#but yeah... me dropping something without breaking it is WORSE than him dropping and actually breaking it...#wow #amazing logic #then my dad keeps complaining about how we don't care. when he's the one who proves over and over again that he's the one who doesn't care #I forget what they're called but he's the parent type who doesn't get involved in anything #he's never stood up for me and he's watching me rot and hurt myself and he's just like 'oh okay as long as it doesn't involve me idc'#he's not fucking stupid like he can tell there's shit clinically wrong with me but not once has he acted like an actual parent towards me #and yeah I'm an adult now but it's still fucked me up so badly #he is such a fucking coward #and selfish #if he could drop me and my mom somehow I know he would at the drop of the hat #but remember he's a coward so. I know he fucking won't #God this is making my urges get bad again #I'm crying 'cause I'm just so fucking pathetic :')

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sherlock-is-ace · 1 year ago

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#i had such a horrible melt down today... god i just need this week to be over!#i burst several blood vessels around my eyes temple and nose from crying too hard and for trying to do it in silence #and i also figured out that my big smart plan of hitting myself in the head as to not leave marks nor break things doesn't work #because i now have a fucking BRUISE ON MT FOREHEAD #goddamnit #i can hide it with hair but i really need to find a different way to cope...#i used to throw shit around but years of being screamed at for breaking toys or whatever i had in my hand at the moment has forced me to #turn the destruction upon myself #cause at least i'm not breaking shit other people paid for #but damn my head still hurts and now i have to hide the stupid red spots in my hairline #if my mom finds out she will most likely kill me ahnfjsng (not really she will just scream at me and call me stupid for hurting myself #which in turn will make me hurt myself more probably...)#it's a hard thing to admit i self harm. and i never really thought of it like that but it's getting worse so i need to stop #it started with scratching myself when i was too anxious and it turned into full blown out meltdowns...#i had to fight the urge to hit my head on the wall which is scary #like it took all of my willpower and the realization that people would hear me and maybe i would draw blood which would be harder to hide #that's what made me not do it... not the fact that self harming is bad and doesn't help...#like that's a scary thought to have...#i can think about it rationally NOW but in the middle of the mess? nope hitting is the only solution #i'm exhausted and so fucking embarrassed about it #i hate living with my messed up brain #i have to leave the house tomorrow... and because i mask still the only thing vissible will be my fucked up eyes with red dots around them..#that's gonna be fucking embarrassing as hell?!#not worse than when i gabe myself a black eye tho #that wasn't self harm that was just me fainting when sick and falling face first to the floor lol #anyways... i'm off to bed i just needed to vent ahfnsjf i'm fine now #and i'm gonna do my best to find better coping mechanisms i promise #angel talks #personal #tw self harm

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trillgutterbug · 1 year ago

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i've just learned of the existence of """fear-free""" veterinarians, implying that all other vets are fear-forward or fear-embracing or at the very least fear-ambivalent, so i'll be giving my kittens, who are scheduled to be neutered in two weeks, a series of prepratory pep talks on the character enhancing properties of trauma and panic 👍

#every once in a while i think about how i almost went to school to become a vet tech and i shudder and shed a tear #and say to myself 'it's okay other pet owners aren't real and can't hurt you'#jk jk my decade of dog grooming was more than enough to educate me on the unfortunate reality of Pet Parents #this summer i had a convo with a lad who spent two years in school to become a vet tech #then did three weeks of actual work and said NOPE and went back to manual labour lmao #the only sane decision and good for him

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feralcatdisorder · 2 years ago

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does anyone else in this thread (cluster b mostly ig) really... not get guilt tripping or [insert any self-injurious behavior] threats? i dont understand how it could genuinely be so effective on so many people. like, i DO understand, logically. but... ngl. i dont think it’d matter how close we were, if you try to guilt trip me or, say, threaten that you’ll kill yourself if i do or don’t do x... okay. i have immediately lost every ounce of respect i had for you. go ahead. do u want me to help you with it?

#actually npd #actuallynarcissistic #cluster b #honest to god not trying to be edgy #i just #you know #like if ur gonna stoop that low i actually dont want to associate myself with you anymore #i dont want to associate myself with people who #when triggered like that #try to hurt me and are hell bent on doing so #nope. get out of my life before i take you out by force #i dont care anymore #uhhh have fun with self harming or killing yourself i guess #if u wanna really do it make sure to go all out!#failing suicide attempts sucks!#wouldnt want u to go through that <3333

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gatun-gatunesco · 1 year ago

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Fleabag

"People make mistakes... that is why they put a rubbers in the end of pencils"

#personal post #So i kind of forced myself to finish Fleabag season 1. Since the beginning i knew was not something i would see for pleasure #of course was very difficult as 1) i have become sex repulsed once again and 2) she is really fucked up. She needs a terapist #it was a recomendation from them and i knew i just see them in the character facing similar problems and similar way of thinking #the last episode hurts a lot and hurts me more after what happened between us. the decisions they made. the way it ended again #i know they wanted to talk about this. i shame myself once again as i was so late to do so. But yet again. i was right about my fears #about how i saw them reflected in her. how they were taking a similar bad road in life. how they mental illness was going to mess up all #after what happened with him. how they did not said anything. how they just give it all to please him and make a nice memory for him #after how they let him just go full gallop and basically let him use them in the most vulnerable moment so far...#i can only wish they learn. that they realize. that they finally could apply something from the life of another person. even if is fiction #after finishing this season. i can understand and let the anger that i had in me vanished just as fast as it came #but the sadness will remain. the event will remain. the need for me to stay away will remain. i can not help them anymore #it will only hurt me not being able to help. to feel powerless meanwhile i just see them going a downfall. mistake after mistake #i could not bear to see the person i cared the most being that fucked up and not try to help. but i already did that mistake. it finished u #my role as a caregiver is still so mixed within myself. as since my mistakes i would not force nor try anything without them doing it first #so. for them that are indecisive yet impulsive. that are people pleaser even when it hurt them deeply. naive with a gold heart #that want to be friends with all as they feel so lonely. Prisoners of they body and themselfs...#going that softly versus everyone else who is more assertive (even them in a impulsive moment) was not going to work just with words #but i can not do it in another way. i am more sensitive and delicate than one could guess just by looking at me. is not in my nature #forceful? nope. without caution? no. fast? no. i can not hold anger. i can not be unforgiving. Even when i always remember #i can still do damage. just not in a convetional way and is mostly involuntary. i am far from perfect but i am also far from terrible #i am a person who also had done mistakes. But being honest. excepting one i never did something so bad i could not forgive myself eventuall #and i say all this because even with all the pain that is forcing myself to stay away. i just hope they could find a healthy road again...#without the need to make more mistakes or do such things that they may not be able to fix or came back at all...#for them to not regret still being alive. to be happy in a good way without destroying themselfs #i just hope i can be able to see that one day. even if is just from far away and as a total stranger #because i like thing no one else would see and enjoy they beauty in they own unique way #vent post #vent tag #tw vent

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halinski · 2 years ago

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Trigger warning for sh topic in tags, just me rambling, dont read, if you do its at your own risk of wasting your time lol 🙈

#so when i met tyler last saturday i was like...#thinking about making it my goal to not sh for a year or smth #like make a big gesture of going clean #maybe like the next time i meet him i could have been like: i've been clean since you signed my arm!!#but oh boy #i knew in the back of my mind that night that that wouldnt be possible #i was like: well maybe maybe i can just not hurt myself in the primary qay #*way #i couldn't even promise no scars #couldn't promise no blood no bruises #i can't promise shit #and now i'm here like 3 days later already ready to give up #having clear goals makes me wanna go do the exact opposite #makes me want to go worse #not like /actually/ bc if i were to literally break my fingers i couldnt work and as soon as i could i would be working he phone #and nope nopidity nope #thats the last thing im gonna do #ignore me #the sh thoughts are never easy to deal with #tyler has no idea the impact he ever had on me that i actually made it 4 months clean before #that i ever tried #and managed to stay clean #like #i used to be so obsessed i would shake and be unabke to fall asleep and would literally panic that bad things would happen if i didnt sh #and it was through derek hale that i actually attempted to stop the first time #when i was 17 #lasted 2 weeks and that was 10 years ago and im not sure i can do 2 weeks anymore again #but it was huge #it's been 16-ish years since i've been clean of physical sh for longer than 4 months #a really bad habit

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apathyfairy · 1 year ago

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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i #understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom #i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking #4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am #and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself #i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies #in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still #not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight #or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week #because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of #knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and #i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally #Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead #then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just #i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i #want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk #that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.

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