#and it’s why I was afraid of counseling for so long. that someone would be like ‘what can we unearth in Maria’s psyche’

[itspileofgoodthings]

i love my counselor because she refuses to pry. don’t even know if she knows that’s an option, I have so rarely met a person who stays so thoroughly in her lane.

[pimosworld]

Unrequited

Pairing-Santiago Garcia x f!reader x Frankie Morales

Series Summary-Francisco was always afraid of settling down. He left Santiago to pick up the pieces after Colombia and now someone else is taking his place. Now he must cope with repairing the past without disrupting his future.

CW-18+,MDNI,Angst, Fluff, hurt/comfort, Frankie has a lot of apologies to hand out, lots of food references, fun game of poker and a revelation, more apologies and a proposition.

WC-5.9k

A/N- Happy Frankie Friday, our boy is still going through it a bit but that’s to be expected when you ghost your friends for three years. At least he has Benny for some comedic relief.

[Series Masterlist][Main Masterlist]

Not beta read

Chapter II Pining

  verb

gerund or present participle: pining

suffer a mental and physical decline, especially because of a broken heart.

  You stretch your sore muscles as best you can with the human weight that is Santiago pressed against you, his arm holding you close even in sleep. You knew he was getting better and that he was starting to get over it but Frankie’s sudden appearance is causing a relapse in his behavior. 

  The mornings you got out of bed before him or took too long to tell him you were running late from work would be met with his frantic state of mind. Always afraid of being abandoned again, left without a word or goodbye. You assured him as much as you could that you would never do something like that. Months of convincing him to go to counseling was met with short words and utterings of I don’t have a problem. It wasn’t until he’d awoken to you crying and scared one night that he was yelling in his sleep that you were going to leave him that he finally caved and went. 

  Therapy helped tremendously but you can’t blame him after the harsh words that were spoken last night that he thinks you couldn’t hear. Venomous words spoken between ex lovers, hurt people hurt people. 

  So you lay here a little longer, waiting for him to stir awake so he doesn’t think you left him. You rub your legs together easing the sore ache from the previous night, trying to ignore your full bladder. 

  You can feel his lips on the back of your neck, slowly making their way down leaving goosebumps in their wake.

  “Good morning baby, how’d you sleep?” He doesn’t answer with words, just hums as he grinds his hips into you. Avoiding the question that you already know the answer to. His hand slides over your stomach, dipping lower before you gently grab his wrist pulling it to your lips as you turn to face him. “As much as I would love to do that again, I really need to pee.”

  “Why didn’t you get up?” His sleepy voice cracks a little as he dips his head to kiss your neck. Your nails scratch at his scalp as you card through his salt and pepper curls. You tug on them eliciting a groan from him as he meets your eyes. You trace your thumb along the stubble of his jaw, memorizing every line and scar that you may have missed the last time you looked at him. He’s so distractingly handsome that you almost forgot he asked you a question. One that he already knows the answer to. 

  “I wanted to wait until you were awake.” You give him a wary smile almost ashamed to admit it, not wanting him to feel bad. 

  His face drops and he wraps his arms around you, rolling you on top of him until you’re almost falling out of the bed, forced to plant your feet on the cold hardwood floor. He whistles low as you pad to the bathroom, trying not to feel flustered knowing he’s checking you out. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, he always makes you feel giddy. 

  When you exit the bathroom he’s propped up on one elbow holding the blanket up so you can join him in the warm confines of your bed. He shudders as your cold hands roam up his toned chest and wrap around his neck. 

  “You can’t be getting a uti because you’re afraid to wake me up cariño.” He half mumbles into your hair. 

  You sigh deeply. “I know…I just didn’t want you to wake up and not find me there.” 

  He kisses your forehead lingering briefly before speaking. “I know you’re worried about me with Frankie being here but I promise I’m okay.” He even thinks he sounds unsure of himself as he says it. 

  “I know you’re not okay and that’s fine, you just have to remember you’re not doing this alone.” 

  You’re an enigma, he thinks. How you manage to find the good in all situations. You’re the glass half full to his half empty. He was surviving before he met you and that was fine but he can’t go back to just surviving now that he knows what it’s like to be thriving. 

  “What did I do to deserve you?” He slides his hands up your back massaging and kneading the stress out of you. 

  “Mmmm…you’ve had your fair share of things you did to deserve being taken care of.” His stomach grumbles and you both chuckle. “Speaking of that…do you want me to make breakfast?” 

  “If I ever say no to your food I want you to shoot me.” 

  ****

  Frankie didn’t want to get out of bed, the exhaustion had fully settled in and he quickly realized how long it’s been since he actually rested. Constantly trying to stay busy to keep from actually feeling something. The conversation with Santiago had gone in the complete opposite direction he had hoped but he only had himself to blame. He didn’t expect to just waltz back into his life like nothing had happened but you being here was an unexpected surprise and most certainly changed his approach. 

  He’d never slept in the guest room so it went unnoticed at how beautiful the morning sun looked peaking through the curtains. The orange Santiago had insisted on painting one accent wall compliments it perfectly. It wasn’t until they bought this house that Frankie realized how much Santi cared about interior design. He wanted to tease him about it but opted not to when he saw how relaxed he was deciding on paint colors and furniture. 

  It’s an odd feeling washing over him as the smell of butter and cinnamon infiltrates his senses. It’s been too long since he’s awoken to the smell of anything other than stale cigarettes and last night's leftovers. He’s kicking the blankets off before he can register and rummaging through his bag for a pair of sweats. He can hear some soft singing coming from the kitchen as he makes his way down the hall. The smell is getting stronger as his stomach rumbles and Santiago comes into view, leaning back in the chair at the kitchen island as he not so subtly watches you retrieve the mystery item from the oven. 

  The man was always a perv when it came to checking him out and it seems nothing has changed. He can’t really blame him as he takes in your appearance. Another one of Santiago’s shirts adorning your frame and some of the shortest shorts he’s ever seen just barely covering your ass. 

  “Nice of you to join us.” Santi’s arms are crossed with a slight smirk at catching Frankie ogling you. 

  “Morning Francisco!” You’re beaming as you wipe your hands on a spare towel and begin to plate what he now sees to be biscuits. “I hope you’re hungry, I made cheddar honey biscuits, bacon and I’m about to start the eggs.” As if you couldn’t get any more perfect. 

  Santi gestures to the seat next to him and Frankie pulls out the chair, starting to feel a little less like a guest in his own home. 

  “How do you take your eggs?” 

  “Over medium” “Over medium” 

  If the tandem answer bothers you, you don’t show it as you expertly crack an egg into a bowl on the side of the stove and one into the pan. Santi adjusts next to him, seemingly a little flustered attempting to ignore his slip up. 

  “You don’t have to make-“ 

  “Don’t be a martyr over eggs.” Santi cuts him off before he can finish and you turn, giving him a stern look before whisking the mixture in the bowl. 

  “At least he doesn’t eat them scrambled like a child.” You mutter under your breath and Frankie tries to hide his smile behind his hands as Santi flips him off. 

  “I heard that chiquita.” He teases and you shrug as you plate up the rest of Frankie’s food. Retrieving the bacon from the warm oven and setting two hefty biscuits next to it. 

  Frankie stares at the plate, much like he did last night and he doesn’t even know where to begin. That’s a lie actually, he knows as he dives into the biscuit without another word. The buttery flaky crust with a hint of something sweet hits his senses and he can’t help the moan that escapes him. 

  He can see your shoulders moving as you laugh and he doesn’t even care with how good this is. Your food is a religious experience that only a chosen few should get to enjoy. As he glances over at Santi eating in silence a tinge of jealousy sparks in him that he gets to indulge in this all the time. You,this food,this life. For now Frankie has to live with the choices he made. 

  “Don’t be shy Frankie there’s plenty more.” You politely cover your mouth while you eat your breakfast and somehow finish cleaning the mess in a matter of minutes. 

  Frankie leans back in his chair rubbing his belly unashamed. Santi glances over noticing the way he looks so content and a slight gleam in his eye. “So does this guy do anything around here?” 

  Santi stands from his chair gathering both of their plates. “I provide other services.” He kisses you on the cheek as you playfully swat at him. “I also wash the dishes.” 

  “You own a dishwasher.” 

  “Frankie I don’t make the rules, I just do what the lady asks.” Of course Santiago doesn’t notice that this is the first time he’s used his name, not his government name or his call sign or the dreaded name he gets when people are mad at him but his chosen name. Frankie watches you both as you exchange subtle glances, some unspoken language between the two of you that he used to understand but it’s been too long. 

  Without words Santi is grabbing things from the fridge and setting them out on the counter for you as you retrieve some bowls from the cabinet. You’re filling a large pot with water as Santi returns to his seat at the island having fulfilled his duties of making piles of unfinished ingredients on the table. 

  “How much time do I have?” 

  “We don’t have to be at Wills until one so don’t rush cariño.” Santi says as Frankie gives him a quizzical look. “Barbecue…you’re going.” 

  Frankie tries to school the expression on his face into a neutral one as his stomach drops. He knew he needed to talk to all of them eventually, but he didn’t anticipate it being his second day back. He knows he can’t avoid the conversation forever and the sooner he rips the band aid the better. There’s too much weighing on his shoulders that he needs to get off so they can all live better lives. At least Frankie hopes after he talks to them that they are appreciative and see all he’s done to get back in their good graces. 

  “If I don’t make this pasta salad Benny will kill me.” He realizes after a moment that you’re speaking to him and he can’t wipe this dumb look off his face. 

  “Well if it’s anything like I’ve had already I can see why he’s obsessed.” You smile up at him as you chop some bell peppers with perfect precision. He’s not sure how you’ve not cut yourself as he looks from your eyes to the cutting board, but it’s almost reminiscent of how he feels when he’s flying; effortless.

  Frankie finally breaks your gaze as you turn around to pour the pasta in the boiling water. Santi’s eyes bore into him as he leans back in his chair with his arms crossed. Santiago was never good at subtlety, especially when it came to his outward appearance. If he had to title this one it would read if you keep flirting with her I’ll smother you with a pillow. 

  ****

  The three of you are in Santi’s Jeep on the way to Will's house. You insisted after going back and forth with Frankie to the point of awkwardness that he sit in front. You hilariously and completely ended the argument when you sat in the back and shrugged your shoulders knowing Santi would riot if he was made out to be some chauffeur with you both in the back. 

  The car smells divine…you managed to make two types of salad, some cupcakes and those cookies he can’t stop thinking about. Frankie’s recently caught wondering how Santi is still in such good shape with the way you cook. He watches the way his muscles strain against the black tee shirt as he shifts gears. The way his jeans fit his thighs just right as he-

  “Something on your mind Fish?” He’s been caught this time and it certainly won’t be the last time. 

  Frankie’s eyes meet yours in the rearview mirror. “Nothing…Just wondering how you still have a waistline when you live with Julia Child.” 

  You laugh and bite down on your lip to stop it from bubbling over in full blown hysterics. Frankie looks away but you don’t miss the way he smiles as his tongue pokes out from between his teeth. 

  Frankie stares out the window, something blooming in his stomach at the way he made you laugh again. It’s infectious and at this point he doesn’t even care…he knows full well that if he looks to his left he’ll see the second chapter of Santi’s death glare titled keep it up and I’ll crash this car. 

  ****

  It’s not a far drive to Will's house, but there was no way they were walking in the Florida heat with all this food in tow. Frankie swallows hard as Santi makes the last turn down their street. He has seen this house many times, it still sits beautifully at the end of the block nestled among two live oak trees in the front yard. The most unique house on the block and the largest backyard. He helped Benny and Will look for it so they could all be close to each other. The plan fell into place just before they left for Colombia. They closed on the house one month before leaving and for that Frankie is relieved to see all was not lost in that jungle. 

  He rubs his clammy hands along his jeans as Santi parks the car in the long driveway. He waits for a moment as you both exit the car to gather the supplies. He wants to get in the driver's seat and head home or maybe just get out and walk straight to the airport. Anything to avoid the possible rejection he faces when he walks into Wills backyard to see his best friends brothers again.

  The passenger side door is opened for him and you’re standing there expectantly with your hand out. “He said you might need some help.” 

  It feels childish and yet he needs it all the same as he takes your hand in his and steps out of the Jeep. It’s so small in his as you lace your fingers and pull him to the front door instead of the side gate to spare him a brief moment to gather his thoughts. He lets you lead as he tries not to step on your feet that need a few more strides than him as you approach the large wooden door. 

  The house is pristine and cozy on the inside as you enter. Santiago’s in the open concept kitchen putting away all the goods you made as Frankie looks around for anyone else. You squeeze his hand once before letting go to join him in the kitchen. 

  “Ben already took the pasta salad so that’s as good as gone.” Santiago says as he cracks open a beer and hands it to Frankie. Anything to take the edge off. 

  “I’m gonna go find Emma babe.” You kiss Santi on the cheek as you exit the kitchen leaving the two men alone. 

  Frankie’s eyes go wide as you shriek from the patio and Santi laughs. “Put me down Ben!” 

  Bennys voice is carried away with the sound of the music over the outside speakers. “Not a chance sweetheart.” 

  Santi nods to Frankie as he takes a huge swig of his beer. “Let’s head outside before she kills him.” 

  ****

  “Nice to finally meet you Frankie.” Will’s wife Emma is just as he pictured. Tall brunette with perfect hair and an even more perfect smile. She’s been kind enough to show him around the house and the yard as a means of distraction from the not so warm welcome he got from Will. 

  “It’s nice to meet you too.” He sounds like a kid that just got scolded for stealing as he removes his hat and scrubs his fingers through his hair. Emma’s showing him the room Benny is in. He spent what little money he had to open his own gym so they’re graciously letting him stay to save some money. Frankie feels particularly guilty about that right now but soon that will change. 

  “The office will hopefully be a nursery soon.” She turns to him offering a genuine smile. “Then we���ll have a live-in babysitter.” 

  “I’m hoping you don’t mean Benny.” Frankie chides as she throws her head back and laughs. 

  “He’s not all that bad and he could do with some practice.” Emma motions with her hands as she finishes the tour and Frankie feels like he’s having some sort of out of body experience. Walking through the home that he helped pick out so that Will could start a family. Everyone was doing exactly what they set out to do and Frankie was just…idling. 

  “Frankie?” She’s staring at him now, nearly eye to eye with him as she places her hand gently on his elbow so as not to startle him. He supposed she’s used to dealing with spooked vets by now. It’s almost like approaching a caged animal. “He’ll come around…I know he loves you, he just needs some time.” 

  Frankie’s too embarrassed to ask if she means Santi or Will so he just nods and says ‘thank you’. 

  ****

  Frankie’s on his second helping of pasta salad as he sits at a table with the guys and some of Benny's friends from the gym listening to Santi drone on about his security consulting business. Of course Santiago found a way to travel around telling other people how to do their job. 

  Frankie looks up from his plate to see Will staring daggers at him. He’s a coward to look away but he’s not ready to face that scrutiny. It’s not much better as his line of vision drifts to you and Emma laying out by the pool talking and laughing. The sun is beating down on his neck as a bead of sweat trickles down his spine. You roll to your front on the lounger and untie the strings of your top. The white bikini already left little to the imagination and now he can just barely see the soft curve of your breast as you adjust to get comfortable. 

  “They’re perfect aren’t they. ” Frankie nearly jumps out of his skin at the sound of Ben’s voice in his ear. 

  “What?!” 

  “Emma and Will…I saw her giving you a tour earlier.” Ben winks at him as he steals a bite from Frankie’s plate. Frankie starts to speak but Ben cuts him off and leans in closer. “I know everyone has already given you enough shit so I’m not going to. I just hope you’re here to stay.” 

  “I am.” Frankie says it a little louder than he intended and he can feel Will and Santi’s eyes on him. The mindless chatter amongst the table has continued but the four of them are waiting on a limb as Frankie realizes this is the first time he’s actually said it. “I’m making plans to stay.” 

  Santi raises his eyebrows in surprise as Will finally speaks. “You gonna find a flying gig?” 

  Frankie doesn’t really need to work but he supposes he’ll go crazy if he doesn’t find something to occupy his mind. “I don’t know yet but I’ve got some money saved until I figure it out.” He takes a sip of his beer to disguise the little white lie. 

  Ben slaps him on the back and he splutters his beer. “You can come help me at the gym.” Ben’s shadow boxing him as he tries to clear his throat. “Let’s see if this old man can still spar with the great Benjamin Miller.” His friends at the table roll their eyes along with the rest at his large ego. 

  Frankie points the butt of his empty bottle at the younger man. “Ben, I can still kick your ass.” 

  “Is that so?” 

  Frankie nods slowly. 

  “I don’t think he can climb a flight of fucking stairs.” Will's voice cuts in and the table goes silent. There’s a slight smirk on his face as Benny erupts in laughter next to him. Santi drops his head to the table as the rest of the men join in and for a fleeting moment it all feels like it used to. 

  ****

  The parties died down a bit and it’s just the guys left while you and Emma say your goodbyes. The boys are staying for poker and that will give Frankie the perfect opportunity to talk to them. He’s not sure how much longer he could hold it in. 

  “Are you sure you’ll be fine walking home?” You approach Santi and the guys around the kitchen island.

  “They’ll both survive.” Will answers for him as he finishes the dishes in the sink. 

  “Cariño please don’t wait up for me this time.” Santi says through gritted teeth as he pulls you into a hug, kissing you on the cheek. Ben steps up behind him making mock kissing gestures and Will grabs him by the collar dragging him off to the garage. 

  Frankie awkwardly starts to walk away and leave you two alone when you call out to him. 

  “Francisco Morales…make sure he doesn’t gamble all his money away.” It’s said in jest as you gather your things to leave. 

  “I’ll do my best, hermosa but I make no promises.” 

  Frankie’s sure you don’t notice the slip up as you wave them goodbye and exit the front door. Heat creeps up his neck and he doesn’t even want to look Santi in the eyes. 

  “Hermosa hmmm?” Santi nods his head toward the garage door and steps beside him. “I see you still get flustered when beautiful people use your full name.” 

  Frankie follows closely behind as he breathes out through his nose. 

  This was going to be a very long night. 

  ****

  They’ve got him all wrong. 

  What started out as a fun game of poker quickly became a tense game of figuring out what Frankie’s play was. They’ve wrongly mistaken his nervous face for a poker face and everyone keeps folding. 

  Just spit it out 

  Frankie’s sitting here in Will's converted three car garage. Half of it was a shop to work on his motorcycle and whatever project his mind needed to keep him occupied. The other half is almost an exact replica of their favorite bar, all the way down to the teak wood flooring and an old school saloon type dresser with a roll top bar in front. He’s been trying to admire all the work he’s put in. The pool table and matching poker table just add to the charm. 

  You’re stalling

  “Fish, what’s your move?” Santiago’s voice is dripping with annoyance as Will stares down his cards like they’re going to change suits right in front of him. 

  He stares down at his hand and the pile of chips in front of him. He actually has a good hand this time, three of a kind and pocket aces. 

  It’s not about the money

  “All in.” He pushes his chips in the middle while Santi and Will quickly follow suit. Benny scoffs from behind the bar as he pours himself another beer having lost all his chips ages ago. 

  “You losers are gonna fall for it again?” 

  “Who are you calling a loser?” Will chides the younger man as Santi laughs behind his cards. 

  “I can read this pendejo like a book…he doesn’t have shit.” Santi says the last part playfully but the first part used to ring true. 

  Frankie lays down his cards and Will curses under his breath and throws his face down. Bennys laughing to himself over in the corner but Santiago’s grin is deepening by the second. It takes more muscles to frown, which is why he thinks Santi has such strong features. When he smiles though…it almost knocks him off his feet. 

  A trickle of sweat runs down Frankie’s back as Will raises an eyebrow at Santi. He leans back in his chair crossing his arms. “Let’s see ‘em Pope.” 

  Money,Money,Money

  Ten,Jack,Queen,King,Ace. Each flick of his wrist and the sound of the cards on the table as Santiago draws out his torture echo in the room. He leans in dramatically, dragging all the chips to sit in front of him. The sound of Benny whooping behind him and Will’s slow clap is drowned out by the ringing in his ears as he stares at the Royal Flush in the suit of hearts. Okay karma,you made your point. 

  “I went back for the money.” 

  He knew there was no right way to drop this kind of bomb on them. Judging by the silence in the room, perhaps there was a wrong way. 

  It’s so quiet you can hear the rustling of the chips settled in front of Santi falling by the wayside. 

Will locks eyes with Frankie as he leans back in his chair. The weight of what he just said hits him like a ton of bricks.

  “So we’re rich.” Ben’s voice cuts through the silence as he pours himself another drink. 

  “Ben, are you kidding me!” Will goes to stand as Santi lays a gentle hand on him urging him backwards. 

  As crass as it may sound coming out of the younger man’s mouth he couldn’t hide from it anymore. “Ya Ben, we’re rich.” 

  “Why?” Santi sounds calmer than he would’ve imagined after being silent for so long. He expected a fight from him, yelling and cursing. Frankie’s brain is doing somersaults trying to keep up with his emotions. Did he want Santi to yell? To tell him he was wrong for putting his life in danger. 

  Maybe there’s some weird fucked of part of Frankie that wants to be treated like a martyr so he can justify all the shit he’s put them through these last few years. Or maybe it’s just hard for him to realize that Santi was capable of changing for the right person. 

  “I did it for you…for us.” Frankie corrects although he’s not sure why. He could be nothing but honest in front of the men he risked his life for.

  Santi huffs a laugh as he shifts in his seat to look at Frankie. He picks up a stray chip rolling it on top of his fingers, some nervous tick he picked up during their army days. “You sure you didn’t do it for you.” There he is. 

  “What the fucks that suppposed to mean.” Frankie bites out ready for a fight. The fight he’s wanted since he landed here, back home. 

  “You’re gonna tell me that you didn’t go on some suicide mission without telling us…” He takes a moment to calm his breathing and lower his voice. “You did this so you could come back with something. To show us that you didn’t just leave everything for no reason. That you didn’t walk away from the best thing in your life because you got scared.” He tosses the chip and it lands in front of Frankie as Ben whistles low under his breath. 

  Santiago always had a way with words. He could rally the team when they were feeling down or nervous about a mission. He could convince higher ups to do things for him and make it seem like it was their idea to begin with. He could charm the pants off anyone he laid his sights to for one night or wax poetic to the love of his life. 

  He could also make his words cut like a knife. Those same words could make any bullet Frankie’s ever taken feel like a bee sting in comparison. If Frankie wanted him to see that he’s changed he was going to half to meet him more than half way. He’s wounded and hurt, absolutely incapable of seeing anything besides what he’s been through the last three years. 

  “You’re right.” Foreign words leave his lips not often spoken to the man with the ego the size of Texas. Frankie scrubs his jaw, kneading his fingers in that spot of patchy beard. “You’re right Santiago, I didn’t want to come back empty handed with nothing to show for myself. I felt like a failure after Colombia.” 

  “We all did.” Will cuts in as he slaps his hand down on the table. Loose chips falling to the floor. 

  Frankie lets out a long sigh. “I know man…I don’t mean.” Frankie underestimated how much damage he had done. Not just to Santi but to everyone. “I’m sorry. This was the only way I knew how to apologize, even if it comes off wrong I don’t regret one second of it. We all deserve this money and you know that.” He points at Will before continuing. “You can be mad at me all you want, I'm not running this time. I’m gonna stay and fix this even if it takes me the rest of my life.” 

  Santi stands abruptly, saluting Ben and squeezing Will's shoulder as he exits the garage. 

  Will slides the small notepad for scratch paper towards him, scribbling down some numbers. He clicks the pen and tosses the notepad to Frankie as he stands from the poker table. “I suppose this is my fault.” 

  Frankie tilts his head in question. 

  “I gave those coordinates to Pope.” He clicks his tongue as he rests his hands on the table next to him, eyes drawing up in mischief. “But he told me he lost them.” 

  Frankie stares down at a long list of numbers. “What’s this?”

  “My banking info.” Will looks at him then a little more tired behind the eyes than he’s ever seen. “I love you Fish, he loves you too.” Will slaps him on the back and exits the garage leaving Frankie with the younger Miller. 

  Frankie doesn’t turn around but he can picture Ben behind him. “Goodnight Ben, my favorite and only brother in the world. I love you soooo much.” He’s definitely miming with his hands. “Goodnight Will, even though you’re a pain in my ass I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

  Frankie laughs a little bit. It's short lived as a cold piece of ice hits the back of his neck running down his shirt right into the open crack of his jeans. 

  “What the fuck Ben!” Frankie turns in his seat to see him crunching on some ice. He narrowly misses another piece thrown at his head. 

  “I want my money by tomorrow.” He does his worst impression of a mobster as he leaves Frankie alone in the garage. 

  ****

  Santi sits on the curb in front of Will’s house as he hangs his head in his hands. Thankfully for him it’s a decently cool night compared to the awful humidity he’s usually subjected too. He often wonders why they all settled here instead of somewhere off the grid. It’s comforting in a sense, it feels like home. 

  It’s tearing him up inside holding onto all this anger for Frankie when he really just wants to tell him he loves him. He thought he would feel better after getting it all out, finally laying down his cards so to speak. It brewed somewhere underneath for all those years and as cathartic as it was to say it out loud it didn’t change what happened. 

  Now he’s left seemingly with everything he could possibly want and he feels numb. 

  Santi hears the front door close softly behind him as Frankie makes his way down the path. He doesn’t want to argue anymore, he just wants to let this all go and finally live a peaceful life with enough money to make sure he’ll never have to sweat again. 

  “I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” He looks up to Frankie holding out his hand to help him off the curb. “Please forgive me.” His soft brown eyes look down at him. The ones he could never resist even if he tried. 

  He accepts his hand as he hoists him off the ground dusting off his jeans. “I forgave you a long time ago Fish.I had to for my own sanctity.” 

  If it’s a misstep he doesn’t correct himself. Sanity or sanctity aside, he knows hating someone for that long will eat you alive. “I would not be capable of loving her the way that I do, if I had not forgiven you.” 

  “Do you still love me?” Frankie asks, as selfish as it may be. Not entirely sure of what answer he’s expecting. 

  He’s backlit by the street lamps creating a soft halo around his brown and graying curls. Santiago has pictured them doing this walk so many times in his dreams. Moving here to start a life with him, walking home after a long day of hanging out with their brothers to head home and curl up in the soft sheets of the master bedroom. 

  “I never stopped loving you.” Frankie takes his hand then and he doesn’t pull away. “I never could even if I tried.” 

  Santi’s trying not to get choked up as he stares at their hands. Frankie grips his chin tilting it up towards him but he abruptly pulls away. 

  “I thought you said-“

  “I know what I said. I love you.” He gestures between them. “But this…can’t happen without her.” 

  Frankie’s nostrils flare as he gives him an aporetic look. 

  “Don’t give me that shit Frankie, I see the way you look at her.” 

  “Looking isn’t illegal.” His possessiveness over someone that doesn’t belong to him comes out harsher than he intended. 

  “No you’re right it’s not, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Santi spits back at him as he glances over at the house that’s no longer Will’s. “Let’s keep moving.” 

  Santi gets two steps ahead before Frankie yanks his arm back bringing him face to face. Daring him to call his bluff. 

  “Isn’t that what you’re telling me…that I can have my cake and eat it too.” His body’s pressed against his, they’re so close he can breathe his air as he practically spits fire. 

  “Yes Francisco, that’s what I’m telling you.” He gently prys Frankie’s hand from his arm putting some space between them. “But I’m not doing it behind her back.” 

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[captainuranium543]

Hi! I just wanted to know your thoughts on this post here: https://www.tumblr.com/yamishika/761491771751596032/something-that-has-been-bothering-me-regarding-the

Do you agree with this? Disagree with this? Was this just a light comedic moment? It def feels out of character for Jellal to a large degree. You have such great takes on Erza in general, that I wanted to check about this. I tried looking at your posts (now that I have better cell service) and didnt see this on your posts list. Apologies if you’ve covered it already. Thanks in advance!

the post in question^

thanks so much for this ask actually cuz I have been resisting the urge to yap about this forever and now I have an excuse ahaha.

honestly I completely agree, I've been saying it forever but as fairy tail has gone on Mashima has kind of stopped putting as much thought into it has he did early on. Early on the characters where the center of the narrative and honestly I think that's when ft is at its best because that has always been the best part if ft as a whole. The tower of heaven and the trauma Erza and Jellal faced along with countless others had so much impact on the story as late as season 6 because of just how massive a tragedy it was.

starting with Erza and Kiria, it feels especially disgusting for this to happen to specifically Erza because she has spent so much of her life being treated as less then human already. In the tower her purpose was literally to work herself to death, they needed sacrifices and lots of them. As soon as she wasn't useful to them anymore she would killed without a second thought and her life would only be another number added to the massive death toll of the r system project. she wasn't a person in there, she was a tool. Even after the tower she was still under someone else's control (on a leash you might say) with Jellal holding the lives of her friends over her head to keep her quiet, constantly taunting his power over her by spying on her with seigrain in the magic counsel. this is exactly what happens with Kiria and it feels genuinely horrifying to see it happen again but still its just played for fanservice and I find that incredibly irritating.

as for the Erza vs Jellal fight in the Aldoron arc, here we have a scene that is objectively horrifying to both of them. Erza and Jellal share INTENSE trauma associated with mind control and the loss of free will, and yet the scene is played for laughs and fanservice.

I do understand why Hiro did this, if they took the scene seriously it would probably set Jellal right back into his old ways again of avoiding Erza like the plague which he doesn't want because he's trying to push them closer together. I get that but its still feels like such a missed opportunity to give them some kind of emotional development which neither has had in so long. I'm gonna get into my own idea for the fight here so bear with me.

The fight begins and they intercut it with flash backs to the tower of heaven arc, or even further back to their actual childhood, showing how genuinely afraid of him Erza is right now while also trying to control herself and keep her "fight" instinct at bay because she doesn't want to hurt him. the fight from her perspective should be chaotic, rapidly throwing her between past and present while she desperately tries to hold onto a sense of reality and remind herself its not him.

now imagine this, at some point she loses control and really starts to spiral and he gets the upper hand. she's totally beaten and exhausted after trying to fight him and her demons at once and while she's on the ground he approaches her, lifts her up, and we get a call back to this scene.

throughout this fight we never really see Jellal's face, its mostly been from Erza's perspective and when we do see his face its a flashback to a different time while he was mind controlled. Now in the present jellal says something, idk what he would say exactly, but its something similar to the "it was the color of your hair" moment where it reminds Erza of something he said to her while he was himself. Erza finally snaps back to reality, she looks down at him and we finally get a clear view of his face in the present, and we see that he's crying.

that is enough to fully snap Erza back and finally give the fight her all, because its not just for her sake its for both of them. he would never forgive himself if he hurt her so she's going to have to be the one to do it even if it hurts because its the only way she's going to save him. and more than anything she wants to save him. (Again, call back to the tower of heaven, she was to late to save him then and it weighs on her to this day, she wont be to late this time.) anyway fight ends shortly after that she knocks him out and she's crying because obviously she never wanted to hurt him either she's just taking one for the team (like always but that's another rant). Just before Jellal passes out he looks at her and he thanks her for saving him (ONCE AGAIN CALL BACK TP THE TOWER OF HEAVEN but this time its not manipulation he's being fr showing us that its really him now). he passes out, erza gets up, looks back at him maybe one last time, says shes sorry, then goes off to go keep fighting. fight over

case and point I think this could have been sick as hell and i'm sad it didn't happen. its not that I have a problem with fanservice I just think it should be tasteful at least a little.

[nophunleague]

stare decisis: chapter six - praeterita vitas

praeterita vitas: latin for past lives

masterlist

wc: 1187

rafael barba x original female character

Whatever progress Quinn had thought she made on her relationship with her co-counsel and the squad during the Brubeck case had proven to be futile. Not even a week later, there she is again, alone in the office prepping for court while Barba is off running suspects down with the squad. 

She paces around the room barefoot, heels discarded in the late afternoon hour, while she practices her opening statement for the trial that starts tomorrow. 

“Members of the jury. Detached from reality, devoid of decency, dangerous. Three things that you will learn describe the defendant, Beau Watts. My name is Quinn Brady, throughout this trial myself and my co-counsel, Rafael Barba, will prove to you each and every element of the crime of sexual assault in the state of New York beyond a reasonable doubt. And before we start talking about the evidence you will learn about, we want to define what beyond a reasonable doubt means-” she’s cut off by a voice from the doorway of her office. The notes she’s holding in her left hand fall to her side and she looks to the door. 

“Do you always define the burden? What purpose does that serve?” Carisi is posted up, small notepad in his hand - taking notes. 

“Detective, you shouldn’t sneak up on people,” she maneuvers back toward her desk, throwing the notepad down on the tabletop. “I define the burden because people don’t understand that you don’t have to be 100% certain, as bad as that sounds. And I introduce myself and Mr. Barba so that the jury sees us as people, not robots trying to put someone in prison,” he nods along in understanding as he scribbles her words down. “Barba tired of tutoring you?”

“Maybe, Miss Brady. It's nearing the end of the semester so I have a lot of questions,” Sonny shrugs sheepishly, she motions to the chair in front of her desk and he takes a seat. “Say you have evidence pertaining to the victim that makes them look less credible than would be preferred, how would you handle that?” Quinn sits across from the eager part time law student.

“You draw the sting, you mention it - get it out there in front of the jury before the defense has a chance to make it look like you’re hiding it or afraid of it. I prefer to do it during opening statements, especially if I know that the defense already knows about it,” Sonny nods along understandingly. “What makes you want to practice law?”

“I’m not sure I want to ma’am, just thought it might make me a better detective,” he explains, she looks at him inquisitively. 

“You’re going to law school? To be a better cop? That had to have been an incredibly unique personal statement for your applications,” she laughs, her head falling back showcasing the long layers her auburn hair is cut in, he laughs along. 

“Why did you choose law?” her frame grows somber in the blink of an eye, raising her head back up to meet his eyes. 

“I wanted to serve, in a way that most people never even think of doing. I wanted to represent a system that our country was built on and I wanted to protect and serve,” she grabs the end pieces of a lock of hair and begins to pick at it.

“So you didn’t always want to be a prosecutor then?” he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, she counts the wrinkles on his tense forehead rather than meeting his eyes. 

“Yes and no, I did it for a few years at the beginning of my career and then I shifted into a different area of law until I came here, well to Queens,” he can’t sense it but a thick ball of anxiety has begun to crawl its way up her throat, begging her to stop talking about this. “I’ll answer your next question before you ask, and then I really have to get back to work,” she says as politely as possible while he nods, “I worked in the national security area of law, there’s honestly not much I can talk about from my time there anyway.” Sonny’s polite about her cutting the conversation short, he thanks her for her time and is on his way.

Quinn however slows to return to work. She opens a drawer on the side of her desk and pulls out a polaroid of her and a man. They’re both in matching light brown t-shirts, her hair is pulled tightly into a bun at the back of her head and his hair is cut relatively short. His arm is thrown over her shoulder and it looks like she’s laughing at something he said. Her eyes fall to the strip of white at the bottom of the polaroid where she had made a notation.

Zach and Quinn. Fallujah, Iraq. 10 January, 2010. 

“Hey Lieutenant Brady! They guys want to know if they can just go outside the wire, just to hangout,” Quinn’s counterpart, Commander Zachary Hamilton calls out to her as he enters their tent of an office. 

“I think there’s a fat chance of that Sir,” she laughs as he reaches her, he winks. 

“They would be out of your hair if they left, and my hands would be in your hair instead,” his voice is low as he leans closer to her to pick up a file from the table she’s standing next to. Her breath hitches in her throat at the close and public proximity, what they’re doing is inappropriate let alone permissible. 

“I don’t think that’s an advisable course of action Sir,” Quinn says loudly as someone begins to walk toward them. It’s Special Operator Second Class Kacey, a member of the team Quinn and Zach are attached to as legal advisors. 

“Sir, Ma’am! Let me get a picture of the most amazing legal advisors any SEAL team could ever ask for,” Kacey is holding up the polaroid camera before either officer can affirm or deny permission. Quinn starts to lean away from Zach but still smiles. 

“Oh come on Brady, smile for the camera, let’s make this young man’s dreams come true by letting him have a picture of two lawyers,” Zach’s arm is firmly placed across her shoulders in an instant, pulling her into his side forcefully but Quinn laughs along anyway. 

“We are the shining example of the Navy’s prime warfighting force Sir, with briefs and legal citations,” she jokes along with him while Kacey snaps two pictures, he keeps one and hands the other to Quinn before excusing himself. A roar of applause from the team can be heard from inside the tent as Kacey appears with a camera. If there’s one thing SEALs like to do when deployed is document their time in the Sandpit. Zach watches it develop over Quinn’s shoulder, his warm breath dusting the back of her neck. 

“I like it, keep it and we’ll frame it when we get home,” he whispers and kisses the back of her head lightly after determining the coast was clear.

[gatheringbones]

[“Ideally, empathy is the current that flows between two people in a close relationship, helping us to feel less alone, reassuring us that we are loved and understood. But sometimes, sad to say, empathy can be a trap, and never more so than in a gaslighting relationship. Your very ability to offer empathy—and your own need to receive it—can make you prone to the Gaslight Effect.

Katie, for example, was one of the most empathic people I had ever met. She seemed remarkably tuned in to what all her loved ones were feeling, able to imagine with remarkable accuracy how any given event might affect them. When she asked me to reschedule an appointment, she apologized for inconveniencing me in a way that showed me how aware she was of my needs as well as her own. I could see how this quality would make her an excellent friend and partner. But I also saw how Katie’s empathy made it hard for her to choose her own worldview over that of her boyfriend. “I can see how upset Brian gets when I chat with the guy at our deli,” she’d say. “It’s as though he’s afraid I’ll leave him and never come back. I feel so bad for him when I see how scared he is. I can’t stand it.”

Katie often got so caught up in her boyfriend’s fear that she forgot her own perceptions about what happened during that chat and what it meant. She was so compelled to see things from Brian’s point of view that she lost sight of her own perspective. Unfortunately, Brian didn’t extend the same empathy. He appreciated Katie’s response; her depth of understanding was part of the reason he was so attached to her. But he didn’t respond in kind. Rarely, if ever, did Brian think, “I see how pleased Katie is when someone smiles at her—it makes her feel happy and secure” or “I see how upset Katie gets when I yell at her—how unsafe she feels, how uncomfortable.” Most of the time, Brian was aware only of his own needs and feelings. Indeed, from his point of view, to focus on Katie’s feelings would be to give up his own. Acknowledging that she might feel differently than he did was like admitting that his feelings were invalid. He couldn’t empathize with her without feeling defeated, as though he had given up all hope of having his own point of view understood and respected.

Brian may have genuinely lacked the ability to imagine another person’s feelings. Or he may have feared his own capacity for empathy, seeing it as a quality that might defeat him. Indeed, when I saw them briefly in couples counseling, he said, “I don’t see why I have to see it her way all the time—it’s never my way! And every time I see it her way, I end up giving in.”

In this gaslighting dynamic, then, Katie’s empathy created a kind of trap. She wanted to see her boyfriend’s point of view, but he didn’t want to see hers. When they argued, she gave a lot of room to his side of the argument, while he never gave any ground to her. When they argued, she gave a lot of room to his side of the argument, while he never gave any ground to her.

Empathizing with Brian made Katie feel sensitive and loving. But when Brian was asked to empathize with Katie, he felt weak and defeated. Meanwhile, Katie’s compulsive empathy led her to disregard her own feelings and perceptions in her effort to see things as Brian saw them. Katie didn’t only give empathy, though; she desperately wanted to receive it—along with the approval she wanted so badly, after all, that approval was the only way she could prove to herself that she was a good, loyal girlfriend instead of the flirtatious, disloyal woman Brian had insisted she was. Her need for Brian’s empathy and approval was so great that it threatened to overwhelm her ability to think clearly.

Longing for Brian to see her point of view and to approve of her, she found it very difficult to tolerate their disagreement. For her, love meant total understanding and unconditional acceptance—nothing less—and without that love, Katie felt that she would be completely worthless, abandoned, and alone. This desperate need for approval, understanding, and love kept Katie continually open to Brian’s gaslighting.

I once asked Katie if she could accept the fact that her boyfriend would never be able to grasp why being friendly and open meant so much to her. Maybe he could stop insulting her, I suggested. But he might continue to think differently.

Katie’s jaw dropped. “But Brian loves me,” she protested. “He’d do anything for me.”

“Maybe so,” I responded. “But feelings and acts of love are not the same things as understanding. Sometimes we love people without being able to feel what they’re feeling. Sometimes we don’t approve of someone’s actions, decisions, or opinions, even within a loving relationship.���

Katie stared at me as though I were speaking Greek. “That’s not love,” she said finally. “If you love someone, you understand them; you feel what they feel. And you think they’re wonderful! And Brian does see me that way—just not all the time.” She went on to recount the time she came home from work exhausted and he gave her a foot rub—a story she had told me several times. “He knew just what I needed—and he gave it to me!” she would repeat with every retelling. “That was when I knew how much I meant to him—and how he would always take care of me.” That memory was so precious to Katie that she was willing to endure Brian’s insults and yelling in the hope of someday recapturing those few special moments when she was able to imagine that he “understood” her and would always be there for her.”]

robin stern, the gaslight effect

[cheerfullycatholic]

I am free to feel that grief and acknowledge the remorse of my "choice"

Melanie Illinois, United States

I was around twenty and in college.  It was a time of darkness, depression and confusion in my life.  When I found out I was pregnant, I "heard" my mother's voice of instruction about the proper order of things (college, career, marriage, house, children).  I must have felt that the pregnancy would disappoint my parents because I didn't tell them about it until years later. I remember thinking I wished I hadn't been brought into the world so why bring someone else into the world.  

I had been through a series of broken relationships.  I did not want another relationship but still wanted to have sex.  Although I had 2 or 3 partners during this time period, I was "pretty sure" who the father was. I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy except my older sister and this young man.  I remember my sister saying my life was over... it would no longer be my own.  I realize now that is because from her perspective she had missed out on career and was raising 4 children and living a bit vicariously through me.  I remember the young man seeming relieved when I told him I wanted to get an abortion.  

When I indicated I did not want to have the baby, my sister helped me call and set up the appointment at the abortion clinic in campus town.  She also advised me to drink a bottle of wine and smoke some weed to deal with cramping that I would have afterwards. She offered this advice from the perspective of having an abortion herself. 

I do remember seeing the doctor, maybe a few days or a week before the procedure.  He indicated I was very early along. I wanted to schedule the procedure right away because I was afraid, if I waited, that I wouldn't go through with it. I remember the probable father went with me for the procedure but I do not remember him being in the "counseling" session with the nurse prior to the procedure.  It was during that session that I remember asking the nurse if the baby would feel anything.  She responded, "Oh, honey it's just a blood clot the size of a peanut" and assured me it wouldn't feel anything.  I found out, years later, through an exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry that this information was not accurate.    

I remember the monetary cost of the abortion was about $300 at this time.  I was not aware, until later, of the additional "cost" (psychological, physiological, etc.) of having an abortion.  The day of the procedure, the probable father and I went to the office and paid cash in advance.  It is still difficult to talk about the procedure, as it was quite traumatic.  I remember it seemed to take forever, even though it was probably all done within an hour.  I remember crying from the onset... silently at first but building to openly weeping.  I remember they couldn't get me to dilate and they were trying to calm me so they offered me some type of intravenous Valium.  I remember feeling something deep inside screaming "noooooo" but I tried to stifle it and make myself go through with the process.  Whether that cry was God, the baby or my inner self I do not know but I wish I would have listened and I wonder if they would have stopped the procedure if I had made that cry vocal.  But I did not.  So they got me dilated enough to suction out from my womb the "blood clot the size of a peanut" which would have most likely been my first born child.  

After the abortion procedure was complete, I was shuffled to the recovery room.  Before long, I was at my apartment, taking my sister's advice about weed and wine.  I tried not to allow myself to feel anything and would stuff it anytime it tried to come into my thoughts.  I used lots of drugs and alcohol to numb feelings.  That led to getting mixed up with a not so great group of people and I ended up dropping out of college anyway.  I ended up moving back to my hometown and getting involved in another relationship. I tried marrying that one and when we tried to get pregnant, it never happened.  My periods were all messed up.  I kept thinking I was pregnant because I would be 2 or 3 months late on my period but tests kept coming back negative.  Doctorss tried to say it was just my body getting regulated from going off the pill but after missing period for 6 months with negative pregnancy tests, I was referred to an OB/GYN.  They diagnosed PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome).  Prior to my abortion, I had never had problems with my period or experienced any of the other symptoms of PCOS that I have since become acquainted with.  My husband and I divorced. He made a baby with another woman.  

During this time, God re-initiated my childhood faith and I returned to the church.  Somehow, I heard about a bible study for woman who have had an abortion being done in a town nearby and I got plugged in with this group of about 5 women, found forgiveness and began healing.  The healing process has been a long process considering the abortion was such a short procedure.  At 40, I conceived and birthed my first child.  At 42, my second child was born.  After twenty years of infertility, both children were miracles, without medical intervention for conception.  Healing is a process.  

I had a miscarriage a few years ago as well.  I have noted a real difference in how people respond to miscarriage vs. abortion.  It's as if society allows women to grieve the loss of their children through miscarriage but not so with abortion.  People offer sympathy to women who have had miscarriages but not so to women who have had abortions.  While it is not deemed illegal and thereby deemed acceptable, we are not supposed to talk about it... that is deemed unacceptable and people act real uncomfortable if one acknowledges it.  At least that has been my experience and that of other women who have had an abortions that I have talked to.  It's crazy.  Society will allow you to take the life of your own child but does not allow you to grieve the loss of that child's life.  Grief is a natural response to death.   

There are always days when I find myself calculating how old that child would be if he or she had lived. I would probably be a grandmother by now.  Instead, I am an old mother trying to rear young children.  I thank God for His mercy, grace and second chances.  But having the children I have now and experiencing motherhood with them makes me wonder, at times, what life and memories were missed as a result of this earlier decision.  

Sin has consequences. Taking someone's life is a sin.  Forgiveness removes the guilt and shame that are natural consequences of sin. But forgiveness doesn't necessarily remove remorse.  Allowing oneself to feel remorse is actually what leads to forgiveness.  Remorse for wrongdoing keeps us humble enough to choose right-doing. I believe I have received the forgiveness I requested from God, my child and myself. But one of the consequences I have to live with is that I will always grieve the loss of the experiences of mothering that child.  

Because of forgiveness, I am free to feel that grief and acknowledge the remorse of my "choice".  This acknowledgement means I no longer have to deny or hide that remorse.  It means I no longer have to deny or numb that grief.  See it is because of that forgiveness that this remorse is without shame.  I can stand forgiven, in Jesus Name!  It is because of this forgiveness that I am silent no more!  

I want other women who have had abortions to experience this freedom in forgiveness.  If you have had an abortion and have not found this freedom, please seek out some help to find it. Help for healing is available! If you are pregnant and considering having an abortion, please choose life.  Even when things seem crazy, dark and dangerous in the world, life is ALWAYS the best choice!  God is good and ALL life is valuable to Him.  If you choose to value what God values, He will be faithful to provide EVERYTHING you need to walk out that choice.  Trust God.  Trust God to guide you into right choices. Trust God to provide for your needs.  Trust God to forgive, heal and restore.  Whatever is going on in your life today, trust God over it all.  God is good and loves us ALL more than we may ever be able to fully comprehend!  Trust in that LOVE!   

Find more testimonies at Silent No More  

[themarvelhorse]

EftD Chapter 11 – The Devil in Canterlot High Part 2

Part 1 over here!

Sunset sat up straighter. “What the hell??? That’s so cool! That’s what you do in here all day? And you get paid?”

Woah! Sunset seeing the potential for a future career and place in life?! Gonna take psychology as a way to better understand magic but find herself enjoying it even without the sorcery?

“Huh.” A light smile started on her face like the flickering of kindling by a log.

Back to the comfy forest cabin imagery!

Rubbing her neck, Sunset could feel the sweat building back there. The metaphorical logs caught flame and caused a forest fire in her cheeks. She tittered. “We… we really don’t need to get into all that.”

OH NOT SO COMFY. IT WAS A TRAP!

I also like how everything really is so cold in the literal sense, but she feels the warmth in the nonphysical through this sort of language.

“Oh, good question: Empathy! I feel empathy for people when I empathize with them.” She sat back, raised her hands behind her head and the only thing that would have made her more comfortable is if she had a table or stool in front of her to kick her feet up onto. “Got all you need? Fantastic, let’s change my friends back.”

Omg, Sunset plz, you can’t explain a thing using the same word that’s in it. I swear every time I look up a word on the internet its like “Empathizing means to empathize with someone.” And then I have to search empathize and it’s like  “To empathize means to feel empathy for someone”. Like, thanks you fuckin giant privacy invader ad bot for being the most sophisticated and simultaneously useless thing imaginable.

Also I like how Solstice is testing the waters. Still trying to get her to open up, but has to start where Sunset is comfortable. He needs to find what’s not the jet fuel that gets thrown into the fireplace and keeps it comfy.

He dropped his animal-eyes to the floor, then back up at her, chin lifted

And so, with the spotlight now back on Solstice’s other side, so are the fauna adjectives. Is this Tartarus cell meant to keep Sunset locked in? Or to keep her safe from a certain beast? Perhaps it’s both. Not wanting to reveal parts of themselves for fear of being locked way, or having that which they themselves locked away, be suddenly freed.

“But you do have a demon form,” she said, voice low and rumbling. “You black out. Do you black out often?” … “Would you?”

Damn, this conversation is intense. Hardly anything is being said out loud, but so much is being said that way. Never answering with the yes or no, because that wouldn’t give him a fair chance to prove himself. But it doesn’t matter. How long can you live with what you’re doing without someone calling you out on it? Even when you think you recognized the problem and took steps to mitigate it… only to find out it wasn’t enough, and you hurt someone because of it…

Clawing motions and goat-like eyes. Truly every sort of manifestation of terrible creature, straight out of both hell and Tartarus.

“Individual counselling works for the individual,” he told her. “I want you to feel comfortable here and if you’d be more comfortable asking me some questions first, I say let’s have at it!” He pumped an arm heartily.

Okay, I HATE how you’re making me like him more and more with this. Because it makes what comes next SO CRUEL.

(It’s a temporary, good kind of hate ;))

“My magic is strongest when it’s based in fear,” he said, thumbing his coffee mug. “I’m a coward. Always afraid of this, that, or the other. And whenever I’m most afraid, he appears. He feeds on it. Perhaps not just my own fear, either. I’m not conscious when he is, so I don’t know the full extent of what he can do; but if he feeds on my fear to manifest, I have to imagine he’ll want more. I think… I think that’s why he attacks people in showy, impractical fashions. Snowstorms are just his way of throwing a fit. He considers himself quite the lead. Climactic battlefronts are his stage. Never give him one.”

As a recovering coward myself, I’d say him seeing fear as cowardice is not the whole truth, whether he knows it or not. Yes, he was likely afraid of his father, but I’m sure he’s also afraid of people hurting, because of him or because of their own issues. Does that make him a coward? I wouldn’t say so. I’d say he simply cares. When you’re worried about someone, and their well-being makes you anxious and afraid for them, what is that? It’s just love. Nothing you can do about that. And the issues with his father, what would that fear be based on? Of not being accepted for being into theatre? Of being unloved? So much so that you don’t want anyone else to feel that way, but can’t help but be afraid that they do.

Sunset laughed, pointing at him. “But, see? You care about people! You believe in them! You even believe in me.”

Nice to know that Sunset sees that he’s genuinely good too.

Even despite his eyes billowing smoke, his warm smile made her feel like they were sitting across from each other around a campfire. “I know precisely how you feel. I bought Bridleway tickets for two for the first time in years. I come to this school, and it’s overflowing with people like me.” He laughed, “It’s almost enough to make me think I’m as good as you say, if I might belong in a place like this.

AH! Back to the woodsy feeling again?

Waiting for that campfire smoke to just block all visibility and choke out all the feelings ;;;;

Here he’s feeling loved at last. Someplace where he feels that maybe he can truly keep Sombra down because of those emotions that aren’t about fear. Until he has to grapple with another issue not considered – the fatigue. And then both Sunset and Solstice go on to say the other one is good and they themselves are the bad one. AN ETERNAL BATTLE OF "no u".

Solstice nodded as he took an off-white, sealed envelope from the side table by his chair. He smiled at it. “You’ve cultivated quite the community.” He placed the envelope aside on his L-shaped desk to deal with later and returned to his seat.

Maybe it’s a letter of recommendation for Sunset to pursue something in the future? Rainbow Dash was recently headhunted by NR, so maybe he thinks she’d do very well there. And its close to home! Or one for Sunset to pursue teacher’s college so she can come right back to Canterlot High and inherit the throne from this Celestia. “See a need, fill a need…”. If she stays it’d only end up making sense to have a school for magic related things. City Hall’s already on board!

“It’s hard to know where the line is, though. It’s not even just my past or my transformation into a she-demon anymore. Magic itself is getting dangerous. People get hurt. I can’t keep running away from that anymore, I have to face it head on because I’m not the only one it’s affecting. All the magic and every disaster it causes in this dimension comes from me.”

Solstice Shiver sat across from her, staring for a moment with his devil-eyes. “My… goodness do you ever sound like me. Er, it should also be noted that magical events did occur before you arrived at Canterlot High. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you didn’t create the portal between our worlds. I’ve also heard from other students about some rogue sirens that came to this world before you? And artefacts, like⁠—” He checked his notes. “—A Memorial Stone? Sorry, Memory Stone.” “Okay, maybe not all of it,” she allowed, rubbing her wrist. “But most of it started impacting people’s lives when I came through that mirror in the statue. You’re an exception, not the rule. Uh,” Sunset Shimmer found herself saying, “no offence.”

I... well... I GUESS? Solstice hasn't really had much chance to verify anything until everything started happening at this school. But hey, it was still always there. And now this minority group gets a chance to feel a little less alone, and more validated.

Also, not liking the way this “devil-eyes” adjective was not animal-like but now outright straight from hell.

I wonder if the preceding paragraph had anything to do with it… with mentions of her actually sounding like him, his fears manifested, her thinking of this as facing it head on while he remains cowardly… is this the feeling of fear that Sombra is currently using which prompts the comparison to a devil’s eyes?

…”There’s a strange chaos in what it does to human beings—but I didn’t need anyone here to tell me that.”

A very strange Chaos. What else could facilitate connection between worlds like this than the very Spirit of Chaos? What else would find such a ridiculous joy in a fucked up little statue like that one in front of City Hall? Yes I’m still on that. I know I’ll never know the truth but still!

A pink flooded to the surface of his cheeks. “... O-oh. Oh that makes sense,” Solstice mumbled and cleared his throat. His eyes returned to their standard green, magic evaporating. “Sorry, I... hadn’t heard exactly what the other Celestia was like. Good for her. Royalty,” he said, sounded winded.

More positive emotions dialing back the fear! Hell yeah Solstice! It’s like the peasant running into royalty dressed in common clothes and them simply falling for each other based on who they genuinely are. Good shit.

“Protégé to a princess, goodness. You somehow find ways to be more and more impressive the more I learn about you. What was that like?” he asked, his eyes reigniting. Just as unnerving as last time. She glared at his therapising, so he waved a hand. “Remember: this is purely in the interest of helping your friends. There are methods buried in my madness somewhere.”

Oh hell naw! Fuckin Sombra getting all opportunistic when he hears what potential Sunset has as a target now?

Solstice looked up from taking notes. “So the day you got your cutie mark, that made you who you are?”

“Exactly!” she said, like a teacher proud of their student. “I got mine early, too.” … “What I know is I was little. Maybe I didn’t have anyone there to tell me it was going to be okay. There must’ve been a director or a caretaker during the nights, right? But even if there was, I guess I had to be pretty frightened. One night, I don’t remember why, but that night I panicked. I wasn’t about to go gentle into that good night. My magic must’ve reacted to that, but that night it did it in a big way, and the only way I’ve ever been able to describe what I did was that I kept the sun up with me a little longer.” … …And for context, most ponies could never dream of raising or lowering the sun the way Princess Celestia does every day. That’s alicorn level magic. Regular old unicorns can’t do that.” … Sunset’s hands shook in her lap, itself quaking thanks to her legs, and there was nothing she could do to hide it. “I-I’ve never been able to explain that much power. I used to try to tell myself it was because I was special, but I could never do it again. Maybe I stole magic from Princess Celestia. Maybe I’m that awful. If I did, I didn’t mean to—I mean, it was my fault, I chose to do it, but not like that. I just wanted the sun to stay up longer! I didn’t think I’d almost kill myself! I should’ve known not to, but when the Princess came to visit Her Majesty’s Home for Foundling Fillies, I got the stupid idea in my head that she should stay longer so somehow I just… I made her!”

;~;

She just wanted a mom ;;; Or you know, any adult that could help her feel safe.

Really though, maybe she didn’t move the Sun, maybe she just moved Celestia’s heart enough, calling out to her with a connection that made Celestia stop moving the sun. Which would also be strong magic and shocking to all. Maybe Celestia realized Sunset had this loving connection with her that she hadn’t felt from anyone else before. Because magic is emotion-based, that’d be an extremely powerful magic, especially if, as this chapter goes on to talk about, they were supposed to Face NMM together.

There’s some other elements I want to tie together here: the way dream is italicized for emphasis. It’s done in a way that, yes, expresses that word about just how powerful it was, but it’s also being spoken about in the context of the caretaker there at night being around, but distant. Not doing their job. It feels vaguely connected to Princess Luna, who is currently on involuntary vacation at the Hotel Super Nightlight – ‘see a need, fill a need.’ Since there’s a need for someone to make the nights feel less scary, then who could fill that need? Not only that, but Sunset’s connection to Celestia and the subsequent getting of her cutie mark, happens in a way that emphasizes a need among youth for someone like Celestia to be there for them since Celestia can't. We even later see in the show, that Princess Luna is the one most often showing up for the kids. Celestia just wasn’t able to do that, not as much as she wanted to, and not in the way they deserved. So, when she felt that connection, need, and desire from Sunset for someone to be there for kids, especially those without parents or with shitty parents (like Solstice in this world), Celestia saw Sunset being able to fill that role, that need. That’s how they were intended to rule together.

And that’s why I think this text about Sunset saying ‘“Exactly!” like a teacher proud of their student’, is foreshadowing. Well not just foreshadowing, but it allows us to recognize what gives Sunset energy and passion. This is all from Sunset’s perspective, so how much can we trust as Marvel’s foreshadowing vs. how Sunset’s senses are interpreting things in that situation? How does narration even work when there's so many ways to do it?

We also see it in the way she’s mentoring Twilight to become the next leader of the Rainbooms after her. It’s grounded in this belief that she won’t be around to help them, which is essentially what a teacher and a parent are both supposed to do.

So, there’s this nexus of Sunset being an orphan, connecting to this student counselor with a bad parent, and connecting with Celestia. Celestia is a leader in both worlds, but why a leader of a high school in this one? Because she’s also a teacher. A teacher who knows how to also be the pseudo-parent that some kids and teens need.

Her eyes flashed, alert. She could feel her heart thrashing in her chest, warning her to run and run now. “What? How could any of that possibly be what we have in common?”

Oh gods. It’s the trap set out long ago. A lure set, the truth – the bait.

…he said, walking the length of the rug which meant dissecting the yin-yang design of it in half.

OH GODS! IT’S THE REFERENCE IN THE PIC FROM EARLIER TOO.

The realization hit like a grenade lodged under the couch cushions she sat on. She shot out of her seat, exploding forth.

That’s one way to get your enemy out from behind cover and out into the open, a helpless target.  

“Oh my⁠—oh my Celestia! You’re right! Timber and I don’t deal with our feelings!” Somewhere deep in the depths of school, on the whiteboard with the circle of stylized heads meant to represent herself and her friends magical powers, Sunset could almost see the word labelling the line connecting her to Timber Spruce: Repression. Or maybe, better yet: Emotional Escape.

Love and hate it. Love it because it all makes sense! Hate it because, how didn’t I see it sooner?! I guess the same way Sunset didn't see it sooner.

Sunset’s legs felt unsteady underneath her. She grabbed her arms as the cold seeped through her jacket. The thermometer on the wall sunk to inverted heights. “I… I-I don’t know, I⁠—”

The prey, frozen in fear.

Her breath swirled visible in front of her.

The art! When they were sitting across from each other! The swap is continuing!

Solstice Shiver froze.

She grabbed the opening of her jacket, pulling it together. “They shouldn’t have to go through that. No one should have to—they deserve so much better. They all deserve better.”

The jailer now jailed, and the hunter to become the hunted. Both immobilized by the very same cold they defied at the start of the chapter.

She muffled herself. Eyes raised toward the stars that couldn’t aid in her escape. She blinked, eyes stinging and her skin with it in the cold. She roughly wiped her eyes before grabbing her arms and letting her eyes drop to the floor. “I’ll change everything back to normal and destroy the portal. And then I’m never coming back. I’m sorry if this is goodbye. It was nice knowing you, while it lasted.”

Sobs

The clock froze solid on the wall.

And the day time stood still.

“... Who do you think you’re talking to right now?”

Time stopped pretty much for me too when I read that.

“How do you know?” he asked. “How would anyone know? I’m everything you fear you are. Is there any difference between us? There’s hardly an us about it, it’s all me. It’s always been me.” He gripped the sides of the armchair. “You need to run. I don’t think he likes your plan to take all the magic with you.”

Oh no….

Mug in hand, she came over to him and offered a mug of piping hot coffee. He took it in his hands, and drank as if from the River Styx or the River Lethe. While he did, Sunset staggered back, taking a seat on the purple couch.

And after such a break from the feeling of being in Tartarus, it’s back again. The Greek mythology references are very real for Sunset, but Hell is something less so. Maybe it's something more human. She can fight every one of those 'mythical' monsters, but there's much more fear in what you aren't sure about. The unknown. The darkness, that darkness that Sunset feared as a filly. What lurked there? What lurks now? You know devils and demons exist, you were one. What does that mean about Hell, and everything else you don't know about in the human world? Along with human economics and geography...

Also, I didn’t know this! “The River Lethe - the souls of the dead had to drink from it, which made them forget all they had done and suffered when they were alive.” Or like the River Styx, to renew his oath to protect the students.

Pretty fitting!

So maybe the Greek references are something more within Sunset's control, but Hell isn't.

And of course, its at this moment that Solstice’s fears are realized and his own heart breaks. After connecting so well to someone and genuinely feeling like he helped them only to hear this? This realization that it wasn’t enough? He couldn’t stop her from leaving or save her from herself? He was so confident that it was working, all that progress, even making her happy by figuring it all out. He was confident he'd never put the students in harm’s way because he had faith in them, students like Sunset, to be able to get better. But how do you deal with someone who is just so determined to continue believing this one damaging thing, despite the progress? Despite the evidence to the contrary of what they thought about themselves? He of all people would have been best suited to stop that, and in the end it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter in the end, but it still mattered that the love was there.

A panting started and Sunset didn’t realize it was her own. Tears streaked. Her vision dappled with darkness and sparks. Maybe she was dying already. Maybe she’d never make it to the mirror at all. Maybe she’d die here. No destiny, no reason she wouldn’t. An empty future. No guarantee. Sunset Shimmer knew she would die purposelessly at Canterlot High. I’m dying... I’m dying…

This part just kinda fucks me up too. She feels like death is here for her. She feels like all the magical catastrophes happen because she exists. And now she feels like she’s about to stop existing and for no reason, to no one’s benefit. And then she goes back to thinking about the portal, the one final purpose she does have, the one final thing she wants to live for before she would have to stop existing in her friends’ lives. She was so worried about becoming the villain again, that she forgot the other thing that happens to heroes.

“Hushhhh,” he told her. “You’re in no condition. You’ve failed. But it’s alright. I’m always here to listen and I’ve heard everything I need to know.” She could hear the smile rise in his voice. “I’ll make certain everyone sees who you really are.”

Gonna choke on the sulfur I taste on my lips / Seeing stars in the dark here beneath an eclipse / Hard to wait for an answer when my belief slips / There’s something else here LISTENING~

She heard her own voice cackle in delight. “Well, well. Theory proven. The doctor was right.” He laughed maniacally at his own joke. “Fear does attract fear. A shame it’s consuming you, otherwise, I might invite you to join.”

My mind is scouring secrets  / Not any soul will tell / Sometimes to face the demons / You have to walk through hell~

Bringing it full circle, there’s been a lot of stories about people going to hell for their loved ones. Of course Orpheus, but also Dante. And now Sunset. Facing down the different versions of the lord of this place, be it Hades or Hell. The place where you go to face your demons, where demons reside. Where you find the King of demons. And then suddenly, it’s a Pandora's box you unleash. One where hope is also released into the world, along with all the horrors. In this case, it’s the hope that Sunset can finally change everyone back. But the horrors!

Sunset’s a lot like Luna, we saw that comparison in the comics. And that might have been another reason why Celestia took in her in. Leaving Sunset there in the orphanage to feel abandoned again? John Milton told us why that’s been a bad thing in Paradise Lost. Orpheus letting Eurydice feel abandoned in Hades. And Sunset was about to let her friends feel abandoned in the human realm. She wasn’t saved from becoming the villain though. And of course, its not like a certain fallen angel isn’t depicted as the same way either, jealous of the new kid who comes along.

And of course- course, it would help if any of those who did feel abandoned had someone else to fall back on, i.e. “another teacher who shared similar feelings of abandonment but was also turned good”.

All that to say, it feels like everything in this chapter fits so well together. And just to finish it off…

“Where Sunset Shimmer belongs, of course. Ruining everything for those she loves most, causing fear and mass panic wherever she goes.” King Sombra popped the collar of his leather jacket. “It seems I have a coronation to attend.”

Shadows swallowed her vision as a demonic Sunset Shimmer left into the halls of Canterlot High.

I can't climb jacob's ladder / Keep on landing on the ground / But hell has an elevator / So just send my body down Down, down, down

...Down the halls of Canterlot High.

Also some end notes!

I like all the little instances of irritation that Solstice encounters in this chapter – at least explicitly. I don’t think any of the others would have added onto this anger that ultimately allows Sombra to take over.

Sunset refuses to zip up her jacket.

Sunset prefers tea, which is not what most students preferred. This allows Solstice to feel comfortable venting about how coffee is getting ruined because he knows he wouldn’t bother Sunset with that.

Sunset’s comment about how therapy is for dumb babies.

Still, these aren’t problems for Solstice because he’s not some controlling snob. It’s because he’s afraid for the students’ well-being. And again, when he finds out its not enough to stop Sunset from blaming herself, it breaks him.

Upon review of all the Greek myth connections, I decided to do a little digging.

So first we have the idea that the psyche is separated from the corpse and transported to the Underworld. Literally have the separation of mind from body in this particular Chapter. And to not just anyone, but to someone who wants to escape Hades itself. Its own prison. It’s a place of darkness and lacks sunlight. This office is also where Twilight, Timber, and Flash all went before she did, and where Celestia, even if its not Sunset’s Celestia, went into first. So we have Orpheus style Sunset going in to get her loved ones back by making a deal and only sticking to that deal. Except that, when her attitude towards Solstice changes by the end, Sunset does a figurative 180, and Orpheus does the literal 180. And they both also end up paying for it. I also see a sort of Persephone/Celestia thing going on, where Solstice’s emotions are tied to the weather changes, and the winter is alleviated by Celestia’s presence.

This whole chapter also lets us see how Sunset shares so many traits with Solstice. She’s the perfect vessel for Sombra to have controlled.

And of course, it all very much vibes with Sympathy for the Devil. How he was always there, being a man of wealth and taste – coffee and wine; the puzzle of understanding Sombra – fear, but what are we afraid of, if not what we don’t understand? The yin-yang-ness of it all –

Just as every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints / As heads is tails

And of course, Solstice trying to keep control of Sombra, the restraint, the prison.

Just call me, Lucifer / 'Cause I'm in need of some restraint

Sunset walked into Hell to face its master, and all the things she fears along with it for her friends… and in so doing she left the door wide open for him to leave.

:C

[bestgrishaversequotes]

OFFICIAL LIST OF QUOTES FOR THE TOURNAMENT (under the cut)

if any of these quotes catch your eye, please feel free to submit propaganda!! not all of the quotes here were submissions, I picked out fandom faves that didn't get submitted plus one or two personal favourites, so if you see your favourite quote here go ahead and rant in my inbox about why you love it!!

all propaganda will be published with the polls

quotes crossed out have been eliminated; quotes in bold are still in the tournament!

Hug the goat, shut the hell up

He knew the look of a man defending his home with nothing but a rock in his hand

What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men

I'm sorry it took me so long to see you, Alina. But I see you now

Make me your villain

She's everything, you dumb son of a bitch

Because I am a pretty thing and a soldier all the same

Anything worth doing always starts as a bad idea

You're my flag. You're my nation

When people say impossible, they usually mean improbable

I keep to a strict diet of ill-advised enthusiasm and heartfelt regret

I know metal

I am not ruined. I am ruination

I make it a policy never to seduce anyone prettier than I am

That's weakness. That's a man afraid

They had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things

Joost had two problems: the moon and his moustache

We'll be kings and queens, Inej

My darling Inej, treasure of my heart

Matthias was dreaming again. Dreaming of her

What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?

The heart is an arrow. It demands aim to land true

I protect my investments

My Wraith would counsel mercy

My ghost won't associate with your ghost

I'm going to pay someone to burn my kruge for me

What bound them together?

We could wake them up

No. Not just girls

I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept from this oath

Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me

I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker

I would come for you

Meeting you was a disaster

This action will have no echo

I recommend a cane

We do not take orders from Kerch street rats with dubious haircuts

This was the kiss he'd been waiting for

Someone I didn't want to lose

I'm right here, Father

When the world owed you nothing, you demanded something of it anyway

I can read to him

How about I push you in the canal and we see if you know how to swim?

Is my tie straight?

Call me Grisha. Call me zowa. Call me death, if you like

Yuri Vedenen, if you upset my wife again, I will kill you where you stand

Why did it matter to him what became of Ravka?

A king never kneels, brother

My ruthless Zoya, I'll load the gun myself

Because I'm fairly certain I'm hallucinating, and in my dreams you're much nicer

But she was already a queen

You are strong enough to survive the fall

It had the unfortunate effect of making him want to untie it

You list off atrocities as though I'm meant to feel shame for them

Maybe the gift of being human is that we do not give up

I loved him and he loved me

Because I am greedy for the sight of you

There is nothing in it worth loving

As my friend, as my general, as my bride

This is what love does

I will leave this world on a hammer blow

Then I will love her from my grave

None of this had been fated; none of it foretold

I will always seek to make it summer for you

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about addiction issues

I'm 27 years old. And I have addiction issues. I am having a hard time with drinking alcohol. Sometimes I go weeks without craving a drink. And other times I can't go by one day without drinking. I have gone to AA meetings about 2 years ago. But I have a hard time asking for help. Because I feel like I don't deserve it and that I'm wasting someone else's time. I usually associate when I'm having a good time in life and things are going positive I usually associate that I have to start up my addictions again. And these include drinking and gambling. I know I need help. I'm just not ready to get sober. But I wish I can limit myself. Anytime I have brought up this topic to my family they take it to the extreme and then just judge me about everything. I know I sabotage myself and my feelings whenever I'm in a good situation. I feel like I don't deserve good in my life. And I do have a hard time understanding that it's okay to feel okay. And it's okay that I'm doing good. I know that sounds silly. But sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to feel happy or to feel good. And I sometimes suck that away from myself and kind of force myself to go into self-destruction. I do care about myself and my well-being. I have gone to therapy years ago when I was able to afford it. Right now I'm just in a tough spot financially. How can I help myself especially when I'm alone? I still use my toolbox of coping skills is what my therapist used to call it. And it does help. It's just sometimes I miss the old memories of when I had a life and had friends. And I mean that as in sometimes I miss having friends that we can go do stuff. But I'm kind of a loner right now. Having to start all over again. Any advice would definitely help and I would really appreciate it. I'm sorry that this was long. Thank you again

Hey there,

With struggling with binge drinking myself I can get and understand where you are coming from. And it’s OK that you do not want to get sober right now, it’s great and a good first step in acknowledging that you do need help with your drinking but it’s so important that you drive the recovery. So for example, when you feel ready then reaching out for help and support when you feel able to. And if by chance you have a relapse or choose that you are not completely readying to stop drinking, this is more than OK too – it’s actually quite normal to take 2 steps forwards and 1 step back. This is just how the recovery journey can look like so if at some time you feel like you are going backwards/ things are getting worse, try to be kind to yourself and know that tomorrow is always a new day where you can start fresh and try again if you choose to.

It can be so difficult to give up an addiction and especially one that we have been using for such a long period of time. I know that you have gone to therapy in the past but cannot afford it at present but if you found it helpful then maybe you could consider reaching out to a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling when you feel the need to drink/ self-destruct and try to talk it through with someone first. Of course though, it has to be on your terms and when you feel ready and/ or able to do so.

To associate drinking and other addictions when you are feeling good as a way to consequently hinder I guess your recovery is also normal. A lot of people feel as though they are not good enough and so consequently will just be wasting other peoples time by asking for help. People may also feel really scared about the prospect of getting better as they do not know what that may look like for them and they find safety in their addictions as at least they know what to expect/ how the cycle goes. It’s OK to be afraid and scared though of recovery. This is why it’s so important that when you do choose to work on your addictions and getting well, it’s because you want to and not because of what other people want you to do. A lot of the hard work in recovery has to come from you, others can be there to guide, support and help you through but at the end of the day all of the hard work has to come from within you.

In regards to how you can help yourself right now and when you are feeling alone, try to keep using those strategies that you put into place with your therapist, your tool box, and try to reach out to a counsellor from a helpline or via web counselling if needed. Sometimes writing can be really helpful or doing something more active like going for a walk/ run or self-soothe by doing things to take care of yourself and things that you love and enjoy. Random distractions may also help at times so please feel free to check out our page here for some examples. Overall though I think you are doing a really good job in acknowledging that you need help but also mentioning that you are not yet ready to give up drinking or other addictions just yet – both are completely OK and you can get help and support even if you are not yet able to fully commit to getting better right now.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[sunnysidesutch]

October 17, 2023- 4:14 pm

To Whom It May Concern,

I am afraid I do not know what I am doing, and I am even more afraid of the fact that I have known this for so long. I wish you could see choices play out before you make them, and I wish you could take back the ones that did not go as planned. However, if this was the case, the world would never do wrong. There would be no room for growth or self awareness, but karma would lay dormant, hungry for slip-ups. Maybe, where I am at now, is not about figuring out what to do next. Maybe, where I am now, is about fighting for myself and doing what is best for MYSELF. I realize that, as of now, I let people's counsel lead my life, and I have spent more of this year allowing it than not. 23 was supposed to be my jordan year. 23 was supposed to be when I got it together, created a better life for myself.

I wish I didn't think so far ahead, and I wish the voice in my head did not convince me it was more logical than it actually is. I have spent so much time being afraid of what was to come- May 16th, September 16th, October 13th. Everything has turned out quite the opposite of my expectations, so I do not know why I am always expecting the worst. I celebrated the life of Tyler at the boys' house, something I had hoped to do, but was hardly expecting to come to fruition. It was nice, but I would be lying if I said I did not feel like an object at some point. I was just so happy to see everyone and be together again. Tyler really brought us all back together, and I definitely did not expect such a great night. However, I kept being told, "don't fall for it." That hurt. I would like to think I know better by now than to fall back into the trap of someone who I couldn't tell whose blood was whose on our hands.

I know better.

I know better.

But, do I? I thought I knew better, but I let the world tell me how I should feel, and I took it and ran with it, convincing myself it was what I wanted. It was never what I wanted. Curious? Maybe. But what I wanted? Not at all. I wanted my best friend, and I was hurting at the emotional loss of the love of my life, and I was listening instead of thinking for myself. I love them both, but slightly differently. In a perfect world, this all ends well. I would love to think that, anyways. However, this is real life, and I would be insane to think that any of this ends cordially. However, a girl can dream.

xoxo

[katierosefun]

hey there! quick quest, if you don’t mind answering— what’s it like studying law, would you recommend, and if someone were interested in that, do you know of any websites or books they could look at that that would give them a picture of what to expect if they study it? because i’ve seen some of your posts on law school and law sounds cool:D but idk much about it, and idk how to find out stuff about it, yk?

hi anon!

studying law is honestly fun for me, just because i've always been pretty interested in the legal field since i was pretty young. now that i'm actively studying it, though, i can confidently say that it's mostly a lot of reading. (like, a lot of reading. you'll be reading up to 100+ pages a night, and those 100+ pages are big pages, with small font and single-spaced and also with sentences that can be 5 lines long.) and also learning how to write for an impatient person. (the irony in reading some of the most convoluted opinions in writing history, only to have your legal writing/law practice/whatever professor go " u are writing for some of the most impatient people in the planet, so u better write as concisely as u possibly can".)

there's also something called cold calls in law school, which is basically when a professor will actively call on you on the spot. sometimes, professors will organize panels, so they'll only call on the same handful of people, but other times, professors will make sure that everyone is fair game for every class. at least in my school, i usually speak into a microphone and have to maintain eye contact with my professor as i explain why a court ruled this way or what this super complex legal theory exactly is or how to dismiss a claim in x court or whatever--which, for an introvert like me, can be a little bit intimidating, but i swear it's not as bad as it sounds.

at least in america, studying law and going to law school entails not just doing a lot of reading and struggling through cold calls, but it also means networking. and also trying really hard to get along with your classmates, even if you find some of them incredibly annoying. more often than not, a lot of the classmates that you have in law school are bound to be, like, your actual colleagues at some point in the future (because most law schools are pretty regional-focused). everyone's got incentive to at least be civil with each other, because you never know if the guy you're taking shots with one night mind wind up being your co-counsel or prosecutor or judge ten, twenty years from now.

re: the second part of your question: i didn't ever read any books or refer to websites about what it's actually like to study law. i actually mostly just asked professors of mine back in college (because i was lucky enough to have professors who either went to law school or were practicing attorneys themselves), but i know that a lot of my classmates read law 101: everything you need to know about american law (although i have no idea if you're american) before starting classes.

outside of that though, i know websites like lsatmax have some book recs about what law school might be like , , , but like! if law school is something that you're interested in, don't be afraid to ask actual law school students as well (which you're already doing lol). i think there's a good chunk of law schools (at least, in america) with students who are more than happy to have a virtual coffee and just chat about what it's like to be a law student, advice on what to do if you do want to go to law school/want to apply, etc.

and ofc, i'm more than happy to provide more information if you ever feel more curious!

edit: because i forgot to answer another vital part of your question--i honestly i am not sure if i would recommend studying law or not. it really is one of those things that i think you need to know for sure about yourself first, just because law school (at least, again, in america) is hellishly expensive, and depending on what you want to do with that degree, it might not be worth the expense. also, really ask yourself why you might want to pursue law--law touches so many parts of life, so it might not be as hyperspectific as, say, wanting to pursue medicine or a master’s degree in a certain subject, but again: you gotta think on it. i know a lot of my professors told me that if i even have a 5% doubt in going to law school, then i shouldn’t do it, just because it’s a lot of work. not to scare you off, but i can and will confidently say that the law school application process is hell, and the actual classes are pretty rigorous, and you’ll also usually be working with some of the most god-complex-slash-narcissist people you’ll ever meet. but i think that if you know who you are, then you can overcome all that and hopefully pursue this also incredibly complex field that i think has the potential to do so much good.

[smi11ng]

Before session 3

Counseling or therapy

Sabi brief counseling lang for 2 sessions. Is it alright to continue or should i opt for long term kind

Difference between counseling and therapy

Conversations

My current friendships

Martina

Tibs

England

BUT! Before working on my conversation skills, i think, i have a more pressing problem that i need to address.

Fear of taking up space/being seen/low self esteem

I've cried about these past weeks. I feel like no matter what I do. I dont feel enough. I dont feel like I amount to anything. No matter how I strive to be a pretty, thin, academic achiever, and amiable. I still dont like myself. I dont think anyone can look at me and like me. I dont know why I believe that. I would never think about someone else like that.

I think it's unfair to myself to think of myself like that. Even tho the people around me changed, I've changed, circumstances have changed. I'll find myself in the same situations because I dont believe that I have any worth

When i was younger, my parents would be working most of the time. Id see them briefly in the mornings before they go to work. Sometimes, if I was still awake in the evening, I'd also see them. On the weekends too. So, naiwan kami with a distant relative. Siya nag luluto ng food namin, siya gigising ng maaga to help us get ready for school. She would even be the one to discipline us to study.

Idk but i would say that her methods were kinda barbarian. She would hit me and my siblings if we did something she didn't like. Like, a lot of things. I guess that's when I learned to value that stuff because I'd get punished if I didn't do well

So, in school, all I did was study. It became important for me. I was really stuck up. I thought that my way is the best way to do stuff. I found it hard to make friends because I need to go home agad. And I don't think I was pleasant to be around.

It's embarrassing, to be honest, for me, to acknowledge that all these experiences still influence me til today.

I'm so afraid of being seen and existing. It took me a while to get used to going to the gym by myself. At first, I couldn't even walk myself to enter the building. I would cry and be frustrated with myself. Until now, i still get nervous and hesitant doing my routine. I get used to it. It took me almost half a year. A lot of practice.

But I can't seem to do it with people i would be seeing everyday. People i would have more interaction with.

I don't think i have a lot to offer to the world and other people. So, I'm trying to debunk that. I signed up to be a volunteer for an advocacy I care about. I took up responsibilities sa department org namin. These days, I keep thinking that I don't rlly contribute anything much. I don't have great ideas or I don't know many people. But i think, I'll have to give myself credit when credit is due. Showing up is a contribution.

[blahandwhatever]

I did end up visiting my mother, and it went okay. Things weren't too negative overall, but a few slightly undermining things came up in the conversation that left me frustrated the next day. Would've liked to go on a bike ride - a dearth of those this summer - but it was hot and humid. Just took the dog for a walk instead.

The Monday after was a cranky, angry day. Largely my own fault - partly my parents' too, but I slept too much again and it really did me in. Had two separate dreams in which I was extensively evaluated. In one, some woman was looking for a home for a cat she had found but didn't want to keep because she didn't like cats. I offered to adopt the cat, and she came and presented me with a long list of terms and conditions for the adoption, which included a bunch of specific care requirements (for someone who supposedly didn't like cats, she seemed extremely well-versed in both cat care in general and this particular cat's personality and preferences), building a custom crate for the cat to her exact specifications (which from her perspective would be a piece of cake because she was very handy), staying in regular contact with her, and asking about her grandchildren every Christmas. The other dream is more of a blur but involved a woman coming and evaluating my home decor and stuff for some competition.

Tuesday was much better. Slept less, went for another taste testing study, did some shopping, enjoyed some good weather.

Wednesday, my father texted me again. More about how much I'm on my mother's side and how I should listen to his side too to be objective (which, I mean - he's free to tell me whatever he wants, but he's never actually had any counter to the damning facts about him [nor could he] or anything compelling to say, just a bunch of vaguely acting attacked and discriminated against. also... I've seen and heard 'his side' of things so much throughout my life. and it's so full of shit. sometimes one side is just worse or more wrong, sorry. not only is "we should weigh the abuser's side the same as the victim's" ridiculous, but the lack of self-awareness and objectivity in someone like my father is extreme. he's like a black hole of self-bias). Said my mother and I were trying to destroy him, which I clarified was not the case at all. Really, I wish they would both work on their mental health and maybe, eventually, be happy, separately.

He then asked if I could convince my mother to go to couples counseling with him, because that would be the only way he'd sign the divorce papers. He needed to 'set the story straight' and said he wouldn't 'let it end like this' (with so much of the blame laid on him). He said he'd talked to some psychiatrist, who was surprised my mother had gone to counseling alone (what?) and that her counselor wasn't willing to see them both (she only does individual sessions). I don't know WTF he told this person, but almost certainly, it was full of shit (I also don't know how qualified the psychiatrist - or psychologist, whatever the case may be - is to deal with a person/situation like this). He said he'd asked her to find someone else, but she claimed she couldn't find anyone who did couples counseling on her insurance. He thought she was 'afraid' to go to counseling with him because she might have to hear that she was partly at fault for their dysfunctional marriage. So much bullshit. I told him, if he's the one who wants to go, why doesn't he find someone himself?

Anyway, I suggested to my mother that she go with him because it couldn't hurt, and it would probably be good for him to hear objectivity from a professional. And unfortunately, him seeing a professional alone may just mean him glossing over or ignoring entirely the worst of his behavior and presenting his best image.

I ended up spending a fair bit of time trying to find someone for them myself. It was, in fact, very hard to find someone - especially locally - on my parents' insurance, and equally hard to narrow down who would be the best fit. Reviews are lacking for most therapists, some have negative ones or other red flags, and some just don't show signs of much experience/expertise in areas like divorce or abusive/toxic relationships. In the end, I narrowed down a few I wasn't entirely convinced about and sent them to my mother. I don't know if she took any of those recommendations. My biggest concern is them seeing a bad/unsuitable therapist who will be easy for my father to bullshit or otherwise unequipped to understand the situation - or have a bias against divorce. It's not like anything would technically stop my mother from divorcing my father, but getting worn down or manipulated is something that could happen.

I've heard so many horror stories about people with abusive spouses (or parents) trying to get therapy from inept therapists who just made things worse. Just read one the other day about someone who spent five years in couples therapy with a therapist who persistently expected them to tolerate and excuse their husband's mistreatment of them because it was just an expression of his own hurt and trauma and ~everyone's doing the best they can in the way they know how~ and needs compassion and understanding and validation of their core self as good.

Liiiiike, my god. I'm all for understanding where abusive and toxic behaviors come from. I'm all for the idea that people are generally good and don't have anything 'wrong' with them on a core, fundamental level of like the true self or inner child, and that, to be healthy, they need to understand this and love that core self. BUT. Those are psychological foundations that parents are primarily responsible for laying, and if they fail, and the person doesn't manage to figure it out for themselves and becomes warped by trauma to the point of being abusive or toxic... a) no one should ever have tolerate that treatment, and b) no one else is responsible for reparenting or fixing the person as an adult. That is their own responsibility, along with a professional or whatever other resources they want to use. No one needs to maintain a relationship with them, and frankly they shouldn't be in a relationship until they've actually made themselves suited for one. That there are actual therapists who don't understand this, who expect people to respond to their abusers primarily with compassion and tolerance and maintain relationships with them indefinitely, to shut down their healthy and natural emotional and self-protective responses to mistreatment, is heinous. How are you serving people's mental health when you expect people to willingly subject themselves to objectively harmful treatment and expect the very people who have been hurt and damaged most by abusive people to make themselves responsible for the abusers' mental health. Fucking deranged.

So yeah, I've spent some time worrying about all that, and about... all of it. What happens if and when the divorce goes through and both parents inevitably suffer some disadvantages. My mother has expressed so much worry and fear about life on her own. Will I end up dragged into either of their problems? There's a reasonable extent to which I'm willing to help if necessary, but I have my limits, especially given how short I've actually been on my own and how precious this freedom is to me. All this stuff from the past couple of months has already polluted my life too much.

A couple of nights ago, I asked her for an update, and nothing had progressed. She had trouble finding a counselor whose schedule worked with my father's. I urged her to try calling some of the people I'd sent her. She agreed. My father, ever full of shit, goes back and forth between claiming he wants a divorce as much as she does (to put them on more equal footing) and admitting he does not want it at all, for various bullshit reasons. Asks her when the 'craziness' will end, tells her what a 'nightmare' she's put him two these past two months, as if this is all just another bad phase of the marriage he's being forced to suffer through as he waits for things to get back to 'normal' like they always did before (to be fair, he really got conditioned to expect this). And his insanity continues, and she despairs, and I increasingly don't know what to say or do; I just hope the counselors/therapists will help. He probably won't sign the divorce papers, and the process will get dragged out for who knows how long, and in the meantime, she has to live and put up with him. Usually the person trying to divorce an abuser is the one who has to leave because the abuser just will not understand and will not do it. But she refuses, because it's her house, and she has a mortgage on it.

And I try to maintain my own sanity in the meantime. Monday I felt pretty good and strong most of the day but unraveled a bit after this conversation. So much anger at my father, so much helplessness. Yet I can't keep letting this get to me so much. I have to keep living my own life. So I'm trying to be more mindful and get a handle on myself. For a while I did quite well at compartmentalizing, but we're at a crossroads where I'm anxious to know what happens next. And again the mixed feelings about wanting/not wanting to get involved. The way I would most like to get involved is the most unlikely - taking my father to therapy and laying everything out for them so someone can finally get to work on him. Which I don't mean in a controlling 'let's straighten this person out' way, but like. He truly needs so much help, as much for his own sake as other people's. He's unhappy, dysfunctional, self-sabotaging, forever confused about why things go the way they do for him, and forever in denial about his dysfunction and trauma. I've repeatedly alluded to the fact that he grew up in a toxic family that did a lot of damage to him, and this is something worth exploring and working through in therapy, but he's never had much interest in that, always stubbornly resistant to delving too deep into his mind or into the past, always insistent on 'not living in the past' and 'moving on' without ever really moving on, stubbornly clinging to a lot more than he realizes.

Yesterday he sent me a random text with an article on finances, trying to be 'helpful'. I told him the most helpful thing would be to stop being a nightmare to my mother and start cooperating on the divorce process. He claimed he was 'super nice' to her every day while she was 'nasty' to him. I pointed out his continuing harassment of her about what he imagines as her 'boyfriend' - there's a neighbor who recently got divorced, and my father's gotten obsessed with the idea that there's something going on between him and my mother because she passes by his house when she takes the dog for walks, and will stop to chat if she sees him, as she'll do with any other acquaintance. Asked him if he ever reflects on the delusional thoughts and obsessions in his head and recognizes them as a sign (one of so many) of a problem. Clarified that being 'super nice' (which, the way he does it, is mostly manipulative and/or image-oriented anyway) isn't really what's needed here, and that my mother doesn't owe him any kindness, and if he wants to avoid unpleasant interactions, he can minimize contact and speed up the divorce process instead of slowing it down. And also how it's a problem the way he will randomly act like everything is 'normal' (which my mother says is what drives her the most crazy, and I get it; it's the emotional dishonesty and reality denying and the manipulativeness of just casually trying to slide back into how things were before and pretend none of this ever happened). Didn't hear back.

So that's where that's all at. I started and picked back up on this post a few times over a few days because it kept being late and time for bed. And I thought I'd add other stuff after the parent stuff, but since that ended up being so long, I'll put the rest in a separate post.

[like-wuatafauq]

Hmmm I like romance, but the ideia of having a partner is soo scary. Because I'm a people pleaser and I know I'm not perfect so feeling not enough is really terrifying.

ʕ´- ᴥ -`;ʔ

More asks!

1. what do you consider green flags in a relationship?

2. If u had the money to buy a space ship, would u buy a space ship?

3. U think money change people?

Awe well I'm sure if you meet someone who knows you're a people pleaser and they really like you they'll probably make sure you're not just trying to please them and actually get to know you. Ik that's hard to find but I feel like I wouldn't take advantage of someone knowing they can ppl please so maybe there's more ppl like that :) [also I'm putting #1 last because it's long oopsi]

2. I would, just to go to the moon, get some moon rocks and bring it back to my girl, then I would donate it to science but still have it under my name just in case the girlie wants to go to mars or something

3. Yes, in different ways. Some change in the sense of no longer hanving anxiety about spending and others change in the way they use it to be superior to others. Either ways it's going to change your mindset it just so happens it can be good growth or negative

1. oooo green flags🟩🟩🟩 there's not a green flag emoji lmao how rude but um

Being emotionally available I'm not saying you have to have absolutely zero mental illness to date like that's shitty I mean it as communicate with your partner if somethings up instead of just immediately breaking up

Emotionally intelligent kinda goes with that^^^

Stands up for partner

Committed

Clear intentions

Goes to get mental health assistance if needed and wouldn't shame me if I need to get any

Romantic or wouldn't shame me for wanting to do romantic gestures

If they talk to about me to other ppl I take it as a green flag because to me it means you want ppl close to you To know I belong to/with you heehehe

Healthy possessive obsessive!!!

Can admit when they were wrong and wouldn't take advantage of me when I admit that I'm wrong (this goes hand in hand with not taking advantage of a vulnerable moment)

Doesn't do "breaks" like if you do need a "break" from a relationship I would expect you not to go with someone else cuz the whole point is that you'd come back to that relationship. Which is why I'd probably communicate something like ah we are still together you just need time to focus on whatever etc.

Communication and comprehension in general.

Likes doing things together even if they may not necessarily know much about it or enjoy it but if they seriously don't like to then wouldn't pressure the partner (it's okay to have different interests! ^-^)

Doesn't make fun of my culture, cultural wear, or accent. Like there's a difference in laughing if I pronounce something wrong like I'd laugh along too but don't like dig into it with insults like "you should look it up on the dictionary, how do you not know, why is your accent so thick now you sound like a dramatic Mexican on a TV show"

Not judging each other's family like I had an ex insult my cousins house and I was livid because that's all they could afford(that's the kind of judging I mean, now if they're racist etc that's fine lol they had it coming)

Will split house chores with me or do them with me

Cares about their health and appearance I'm not talking about a social beauty standard lmao I'm just talking about like just be clean homie. (However, wouldn't judge the partner if they're in a depressive state,and would take care of each other if that were the case) there's a big difference between those too😅

Good Sexual chemistry, mental and emotional connection,perhaps bonding souls 👉��

Help each other grow and meet goals

Huge green flag if the relationship is actually based on true love

Huge green flag if both partners know that a relationship doesn't have to be perfect and the person doesn't have to be perfect for it to work

Isnt afraid of Couples counseling if needed

[purpleajisai]

alright so since my mutual wants more i will deliver. love all my mutuals. these are more personality oriented, hope y'all enjoy!

special thanks to @petra-kopanja for kickstarting my writing motivation!

🤞 friendship!

Very loyal friend. Has a lot of buddies within the Uchiha and often plays wingman/matchmaker for them. Got at least 5 people married. He’s that effective.

The type of friend to have deep philosophical conversations at 3 in the morning over some alcohol.

Always willing to be a shoulder to cry on and gives AMAZING life advice to his close friends, whether for romantic advice, grief counselling, literally anything. Won’t stop listening and paying attention to what his friends have to say until they’re done.

Has a few female friends, not many but enough to actually understand women at least a little. Buys them flowers so they don’t feel alienated from their femininity after fighting in a war during their entire youth. He tries his best.

Most of his close friends within his clan are the ones he fought alongside in the Warring States from a young age. The squad of prodigy children stuck together.

Got his Mangekyou due to losing one of these friends, one of the reasons he began to question the dynamics of war.

Tried hard to befriend people from different clans and villages after Konoha was founded, actually managed to expand his social circle! It was hard because of his reputation tho.

Always makes time to meet up with his friends. Doesn’t care about the setting. 11pm in the village gates? He shows up with a snack, drinks and a blanket. 

Overall an amazing friend. Goes above and beyond for his few friends because he treasures having people who see beyond his reputation or power.

��� romantic relationship!

It would take him a long time to read the signs. His friends are like “dude she’s into you” but he’s in denial. He’s afraid of losing someone else or getting too attached, and the fear that the girl is into him because of his money or status is also in his mind.

After Konoha is founded, he feels a bit more motivated to pursue a romantic relationship and to settle down. He feels that it would be fitting to enjoy his hard work at peacemaking.

He has a tough time understanding that he’s fallen in love, the only references to love he has are sibling love and parental love (Izuna and his parents being the referents).

Actually very formal, strict and traditional about wooing. Being a clan leader, he has to uphold the customs of the Uchiha. I have a lot of hcs about the clan’s customs so send asks if you wanna hear those.

During the courtship (yeah he refuses to call it “the chase”, “seeing someone” or anything, very very elegant man for this kind of stuff) he brings fresh flowers to the lucky woman’s house every week and dates are mostly to have deep conversations about life and the future.

He seeks for a partner who isn’t after status or wealth, someone to build a future and start a family with, and most of all someone who can understand what he has been through. That’s why he tries to have a deep convo often, to “see the guts”. 

No kisses during courtship. At most, hand holding or a gentlemanly kiss on the lady’s hand. He has a tough time giving affection and has decided to save his touch for someone he actually wants to spend his life with.

Once he’s convinced that he’s found the one, he will panic over how to propose. Eventually decides to make it special by bringing his girlfriend to a meaningful place to the both of them and gives a mini speech about why he loves her.

Has secretly been saving up for YEARS to have a luxurious wedding. Always dreamed of finding true love and living a long and happy life.

This part is getting too long so send an ask if you want more boyfriend/husband Madara hcs.

✍️ work ethic!

As a clan leader, he values the wellbeing of his people very highly and wakes up earlier than sunrise to walk around the settlement looking for any trouble. Knows the name of every single clan member and their grandma.

Nearly everyone sees him as a friend or brother so they just go to his house and present their requests/suggestions/whatever. He takes notes on everything and attends to what his people say as much as he can.

His neat freak self extends to his work ethic. His paperwork is sorted out to perfection and has his own organisation system. Has strict work hours but will always open his door to his people if it’s an emergency.

After the founding of the village, he’s the one keeping the Hokage office clean and neat. Berates Hashirama for not keeping track of the scrolls he signs or something like that. He’s the one who comes up with the mission system to maintain proper order and carefully examine the village’s flow of income.

Actually good at humanities, definitely deserves to be the most important advisor to the Hokage. Also explains his elegant vocabulary.

As his responsibilities continue to pile up, he sleeps less and less. Won’t go to sleep until his to-do list is complete. That’s how his eyebags got so pronounced.

Would work himself to death. “If not me then who” mentality. Sure, he has trusted advisors but understands that being a clan leader and co-founder comes with responsibilities that only himself can take over.

Drop your Madara headcannons 🧠 💣

Hi! This is going to be quite a long list. Didn't add every single hc because I'm planning on writing a little fanfic and don't want to spoil some details to you hehe. Anyways, hope you enjoy! Some of these are very oddly specific, this man occupies at least half my brain if not more.

🔥 misc!

* He drinks his tea boiling hot. Burning your tongue? Never heard of it

* Is actually good at cooking and makes the most out of any ingredient available. Growing up in war, he knows how to make meals out of anything.

* Has a pillow to cuddle in bed! The dude is lonely.

* Very elegant and expensive hanko to stamp his documents. A clan leader needs to be fancy sometimes!

* Neat freak. Never has his house messy or his clothes out of place. Even his hair strands are calculated.

* Is actually able to mend/sew his clothes very well if some stitches are damaged during training.

* Sleeps a maximum of 6 hours a day, minimum of 30 minutes. The amount of sleep he gets is like playing a roulette (ever seen the eyebags? yeah)

* Speaking about the eyebags. His eyebags are both sunken and protruding (based on my personal experience of being sleep deprived+stressed) the lower eyelid pops out a little and the dark circles extend more.

* The man is physically unable to go out in social settings during the day. Only has social battery for the night. If he has to do some sort of diplomatic celebration with other clan leaders or kage during the day, he’ll leave the talking to someone better at social gatherings like Hashirama. 

* Has houseplants both for decoration and for cooking. We’re talking pretty succulents and mint plants or peach trees.

* The type of guy to wake up and immediately jump out of bed. Things have to be done everyday and he doesn’t trust people to do things the way he likes. 

🎀 appearance!

* Shaves to perfection every single morning, no excuses. Takes a little razor to missions, hates the feeling of facial hair growing. Trims his eyebrows as well. The Sharingan needs a pretty frame, right?

* The gloves have 2 purposes: protecting his hands from getting calluses or any form of damage due to the metal handle of the gunbai, kusarigama, etc and to hide burn scars (courtesy of @madaraservingcunt go follow her!)

* Continuing with the gloves, they’re made out of leather or thick cotton. Maybe has several sets of them for different activities.

* Smells like a mix of wood (cedar or pine), soot/ash, aloe and maybe lavender or wild daisy.

* Skincare and haircare? He’s VERY serious about these. Aloe vera facial masks for soothing the itchiness of constant katonjutsu, washes face with caution, rice water to keep his hair shiny, protective hairstyles to not damage the long hair strands, bamboo hairbrush to retain the natural oils, etc.

* Either has thick straight hair or textured and slightly wavy hair, definitely cut in layers. The wavy hair would make more sense as it poofs up when dry but looks rather straight when wet, taking into account the scenes of the battle in the Valley of the End (thank you Indra for the wavy hair and gorgeous mane genetics). Definitely loves his hair, fav part about himself.

* The bandages above his ankles are to keep the pants in place because his calves are thin and not very muscular, a small insecurity when he was a teen.

* Speaking of the terrible teens, he got grumpy whenever he got a breakout, zit, etc.

* Has mixed/dry, sensible skin. Dealt with painful and itchy sores due to lack of skin hydration while in war.

* Is a bit ashamed of his height and body proportions (i.e. wishing he was taller, less lean and more bulky, broader shoulders). These were regular nuisances during his teens but he eventually controlled the insecurities in adulthood, not managing to make them disappear completely nonetheless.

🍡 food!

* The databooks say that his fav food is inarizushi, so I've added that he likes similar things: onigiri, temaki, nigirizushi, tamagoyaki or even gyoza.

* Eats with little pleasure, only to fuel his body or whatever. That changes when Konoha is founded and he can actually enjoy and taste his meals.

* Dislikes greasy foods. Not a fan of ramen or katsudon, gyoza has to be boiled and would never eat tempura or ebi furai.

* Has a sweet tooth. We're talking dango, wagashi, dorayaki and more. However, only Izuna knew about this. Can't have a clan leader that eats candy like a little child.

* Prefers his sake cold and drinks mostly umeshu in informal gatherings.

* Actually likes fruit. I have no reason for believing this but he has the face of a man who likes fresh fruit. Fav fruit is persimmons or apples.

* Was malnourished as a child, giving away his food to his brothers or clansmen. Eventually took a toll on his muscle growth and height.

* Eats very light breakfast (maybe tea and some rice with nori or miso soup with wakame), heavy lunch (meat or fish, rice, more tea and other side dishes), no dinner.

* Favourite tea is jasmine or pu'erh, mostly drinks green tea and actually enjoys a good ceremonial matcha.

Thanks for the fun ask! I legit have a google docs of 4 pages full of hcs 😭 please send more asks about him I need to dump my brainrot

[of-foolish-and-wise]

a uni survival guide: tips from a phd

if there's one thing i know about, it's college. i've done it, i've taught it, i've lived and breathed it. these tips are for first years in particular, but honestly for everybody. i think it's so important for people to have balanced lives in these years -- academics are not everything. you know what didn't help me in the real world when i was afraid i wouldn't live through it? my fancy college note-taking format. you know what did help me? the friends i made there who i knew would get on a plane and fly across the country in a matter of hours if i told them i needed them.

academic

- figure out where class is held ahead of time: don't be that kid who's late on day one, i beg of you

- use the writing center: especially for basic grammatical editing, which a lot of professors don't have time to mark on papers

- speak up in class: talking through ideas helps you work through them, and asking questions about something you don't understand can open up great lines of conversation

- find a regular schedule that works for you and stick to it: my college schedule was morning free time, class, lunch, class, practice, homework. that consistency was a life-saver

- keep a planner: it's so important to have a central place to track deadlines, assignments, and engagements

- annotate your reading: when you're stressing about a paper topic, being able to go back to what you've highlighted and written in the margins is a life-saver

- color-code your coursework: i use the same color highlighter, pen, and notebook for any given class. it's super helpful

- if you can't focus while studying with friends, don't: i reserved group studying for days when i didn't have important work because i can't be in a room with other people without talking to them. if your school has one, the quiet floor of the library is your best friend

- treat yourself to a "fun" class: art was always my place to just sit back and chill, a way to end the night all zen in the darkroom instead of conjugating russian verbs in a fluorescent-lit cinderblock prison. for you, it could be gym, it could be pottery, it could be some random course about, like, the history of cooking or something -- explore!

- profs are people too: don't be too nervous around them. also, know that if you're struggling -- even b/c of something in your personal life -- you can admit it, and they'll almost always understand why you missed a deadline or bombed a test

- go to office hours: it's the only way to get to know professors in big courses, and it's so helpful for both your grades and learning how to navigate relationships with authority figures

social

- don't let academia keep you from your friends: it's a case-by-case basis, but sometimes it's okay to let the reading slide and spend time with friends. i graduated seven years ago and my college group text still talks every day. that's so much more important to me than the fact that i never finished brideshead revisited

- joining a club is one of the best ways to make friends: i played ultimate frisbee through college and it was the source of so many lasting relationships, as well as the way i met all my local friends when i was abroad

- say yes to things you don't know if you'll like: you'll surprise yourself. me? turns out i love drinking games. and theme parties. and skinny dipping. and rock climbing

- don't be that person who looks down on their peers for partying: honestly? that person kind of sucks. you don't have to party if you don't want to, but actually, a lot of those people are super nice and also good at school -- don't just write them off!

- show up for your friends: go to their games, their concerts, their art shows, their standup nights. show them that what matters to them matters to you, too

- set aside a night to do a group activity with others: whether your vibe is wednesday night trivia, a weekly "terrible movie" showing, or a get-high-and-watch-nature-documentaries-type thing, these are great ways to liven up the week and de-stress

- this is a great time to figure out who from high school really matters to you: you don't have to force relationships that were built mostly on convenience if there are friends at uni with whom you click more. people you became friends with purely based on the coincidence of where your parents lived do not have to be your forever friends. they can be! but they don't have to be

personal

- don't expect too much of yourself: a 4.0 is not the end-all, be-all. if your family or somebody tells you it is, tell them to call me, and i will personally talk some sense into them

- take advantage of university support services: mental health counseling, free yoga classes, multi-cultural societies, etc

- drink water: please, please don't get kidney stones in the middle of the semester, says the girl who got kidney stones in the middle of the semester

- let yourself take breaks: if you need to lie to a professor and say you're sick when really you're just feeling down and you need to sit in bed and watch a movie, that's totally valid

- don't freak about individual assignments: my students come to me freaking over a B+ and i tell them, honey, no job interviewer is ever going to ask you about your second paper from communications 101. i wish i'd known that

- go see speakers if there's someone interesting coming to campus: these talks are always cooler than you expect. i'll never get over the fact that i didn't go see anita hill when she came to my undergrad

- do your laundry on the same night every week: i can't explain why this is so helpful but it really is

- keep up on the news and the memes: read the school paper, the school blog, the memes page -- college politics and inside jokes are fun and convoluted and fascinating

- set the groundwork for long-term self-care: all of the above is really just to say -- university isn't just for learning about the french revolution, it's also about learning how to balance, how to handle failure, how to ask for help, how to make a salad that doesn't totally suck, etc