#never gonna fucking tell you lol
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i really don't think you should be promoting organisations from other countries on social media unless you have direct ties to them. like people unfamiliar with the context will just end up sharing stuff that's pretty contentious with the local left and they just have no idea. for some stuff e.g. the swp in britain, yes some quick online searching will bring you up to speed, but for some other stuff the issues w various orgs mostly just spread by word of mouth. and while im happy to say that eg a certain org is known for being transphobic, some of the issues we have with orgs can't just be shared on our public social media on a website that doesn't respect privacy like tumblr, bc to explain them means to reveal (& therefore reveal to the state if we're posting on tumblr) our involvement/past involvement with them as political organisers.
#for the latter reason i can't say everything this post is about (except that ofc i am mostly just qualified to talk about when non-brits#have promoted british left groups on tumblr so you can assume this is about brit groups ig)#but for the sake of minimising how vagueposty this is#some examples i can name include: obviously promoting all the swp fronts; there have been some big posts promoting sutr in the face of the#race riots lately. also ngl 9 times out of 10 promoting a british communist group will also be promoting a transphobic group lol#have seen a cgt sticker on here and probably other stuff i forgor about#on a somewhat related note it does get annoying how many false claims ppl make about orgs that i cant correct bc i would only know that#through being involved w them. or like just speculation about the internal workings of a group that even if you could correct anonymously#you wouldnt bc why would you share that info#it's just so stupid how many people speculate about things w various orgs where the people who know the answers to your speculation are#never gonna fucking tell you lol#i have shared fundraisers for groups in other countries/in contexts i dont organise in but only bc i have trusted contacts
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Me: hm, I want something to put on the TV as background noise... Huh. Looks like YouTube is recommending something called The Last Unicorn. That's perfect, it's probably some old shitty animation that has aged poorly! I can watch it ironically!
Me, 2 hours later as the credits roll: *crying, cheering, buying the book, composing the songs*
Me, 2 weeks later: So I have compiled all of the quotes from the book that I think could make good tattoos, and also, HOW HAVE I NEVER LEARNED ABOUT HOW THE LAST UNICORN FUCKING SLAPS??? This gay-ass little fairytale fed my soul! Watered my crops! Transed my gender! Can't believe I heard of this story from youtube recommendations, of all places!!
#original#the last unicorn#tlu#peter s beagle#molly gru#schmendrick#schmendrick the magician#two of my favorite characters in anything right there in the center of the story! and I'm glad I saw the film first!#my reading ability has diminished due to trauma disability etc. but it seems like having a visual reference actually really helped!#no wonder i only ever want to read fan fic! turns out reading is not actually Superior to other types of Storytelling. it's just different.#to say otherwise is snobbishness I have been eminently guilty of in my life!#but like it is easier for me to consume tv and movies and that is fine actually. also that's why I'm doing a graphic novel lol#because i wanted to make something i would actually be able to read if i found it at a library. altho the audio book IS gonna be bomb#the audiobook is for visually impaired readers and anyone who wants or needs it! accessible stories for everyone! yeah!!#my gender was already transed but now I've gained an ADDITIONAL gender! which one? I'll never tell 😘#i am so powerful i have so much fuckin gender. my wife has no gender. and she is equally as powerful.#and also she has STUDIED THE BLADE#mostly zoro's blades from One Piece#normally YouTube recommends me shit movies like idiocracy or smth this is like if every day ur cat brought you a piece of rotten food and#then one day it brings you a BEAUTIFULLY ANIMATED TALE FEATURING MY BELOVED TWINK FUCK-UP WIZARD FRIEND AND MY ALL-TIME HOMEGIRL MOLLY GRU#and also it's soft and beautiful and funny and fucking weird!! i wrote melodies to the songs in the books on my ukulele
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loop and mirabelle. That's it that's the ask
DAY 84: enrolled in the gossip wars
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#mirabelle isat#isat spoilers#vaguely. mostly for the tags#i think it'd be sooo funny if like. loop and mirabelle postcanon.#loop has rejoined the party somewhat recently and they are not at all adapting. to be honest. reunion probably happened too soon#bc they are a siffrin which means they are disgustingly sentimental. their ass is not taking the time to discover themself as a new person.#do you really think loop is gonna take their own advice.lol.#lmao even#Ok so anyways i think the party and loop would have a weird thing going on#like theyre all extremely grateful to loop. and they trust loop through the general basis of theyre apparently very dear to siffrin#but fucking nobody knows what to make of this bitch. odile knows they are hiding Something but she has no certain evidence to pin it down.#isabeau can't catch loop alone for more than 5 seconds. has the distinct sense they're avoiding him and he does not know why#bonnie....well tbh i think they'd vibe with loop. bonnie win.#mirabelle. i think she wouldn't really like loop? not at first anyways#do you remember in sasasap mirabelle telling siffrin(loop) that for a long time she thought they were a callous sort of person#bc they never took anything seriously at all. like the whole journey didnt mean anything. until they took an eye for bonnie#i think mirabelle would catch a similar vibe towards loop(lol.) bc like#like loop's main presence in the group is negging siffrin and being weird and dodgy around everyone else#i don't even think they'd be mean to the others but they would do everything in their power to throw the party zero bones#so all mirabelle has to go on for loop is that they're kind of a dickhead to her friend and that they're not receptive to normal group#social activities. i think being on the receiving end of mirabelle's kindness would make loop kind of sad and she'd pick up on it#but like. loop is inexplicably important to siffrin. she doesn't know the details bc neither of them want to talk at all about the loops#and i think siffrin would be especially dodgy abt talking about loop in the interrim between them rejoining and them being Presumed Dead#so mirabelle tries a new strategy to bridge the gap between her and loop. the power of Mutual Haterism#more specifically i think mirabelle would get the impression of loop as being much more of a bitch than they actually are#due to the aforementioned siffrin negging#so like. maybe that's just how they socialize maybe they'd be down to talk about hot takes and gossip a bit
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I have completely normal feelings about this dead lady and the evil dead-er lady that killed her (lying)
#i was messing around with different brushes and textures and i ended up kinda liking what i made#im never gonna finish it tho lol#also disclaimer#i havent actually fully watched this ep yet i've just seen a few clips of this scene and man. man. what the fuck amiright?#cr spoilers#cr laudna#delilah briarwood#critical role#bells hells#SHOULD i have made shadow delilah less of a weird blob? probably. am i going to change it now? nope#also if you can tell i drew this without looking at laudnas reference. no you cant <3
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“I hope I’ll find all the pieces of my mind that fell out of my head over all those years, and that I’ll be able to put myself together again. I hope the echoes of pain will fade, and memories of sorrow will die, and that you’ll visit me here some day…”
“And I hope you have a happy ending of your own.”
#NICHE BALDURS GATE CHARACTER FANS COME GET YALL JUICE#I may be the only one getting juice but hey. yknow#obligatory if hope has one fan it is me if hope has no fans it means I am dead etc etc#hope bg3#house of hope#baldurs gate 3#bg3#I love her sm you don’t understand#she’s so silly (clinically insane) and she’s brave and beautiful and UGH. hope. my beloved.#hope my fucking beloved#anyways this took fucking forever#I’m not super happy with it but i AM done with it. so. yeah#I was gonna do a bg and stuff but like. I’m sleepy#so you just get the window#also I feel like the light coming through looks a bit shit but again. it’s done for now.#I’ve never tried to draw stained glass and when I tell you it was not fucking easy lol#oh it’s just like drawing regularly but with LESS DETAIL I thought like a smooth brained foool#INCORRECT#there was maths involved#anyyyyywho. all for now. enjoy. please enjoy. if this gets no notes I may cry. a little.
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Today I spent about an hour around/with Rob and I'm gonna write about it.
He recognised me from last night, came up and talked to us where I really lost all ability to calm or filter myself (which was, admittedly, already very little). He told me he's been seeing a lot of my Tweets and I asked why he followed me. He said he thought I had "a lot of fun and interesting things to say." I did not expect that, literally at all, I was trying to see if he knew my handle, @/pqdres, was for San Diego's baseball team, so I derailed myself from that conversation a bit lol oops.
The night before this he signed my S10 DVD cover on the plastic protector I had, so he offered to sign it properly when he noticed I had it with me again tonight:
I know I just kind of bulldoze over his words, (He said “Thank you for all the Twitter love”) but it’s because I had a script in my head and.. I'm sure a lot of you guys get it, lol. He didn't seem bothered, which I really appreciate.
He took individual photos with everyone who wanted one (like half the people in the bar (which wasn't even that many) had no interest in him) and when we were taking mine he asked for someone to shine an overhead light so we could get a good picture together bc I offhandedly said I needed to turn off my front flash.
I met him again, a little later at another bar (like Charlie and Glenn in October, he just kinda was walking around and hitting up various bars Four Walls was advertising at) and I apologised for my constant presence around him. The reason I stuck around was because I had one last request for the night, something I very much owed to @macdennissurvivor. I told him Emma was the person who got me into the Sunny fandom, and I would appreciate if he could say hi to her on camera. I started recording and then he said 'Nope give me your phone' and then went on a walk and recorded a 20 second video for her on my phone. I think that moment was a fundamental tilt for me.
I know I criticize this man a bit, but god-fucking-damn-it if he isn't the creator of my favourite show in the whole world, one of my favourite characters of all time, half of my URL, the reason I am writing and creating as much as I currently do, the reason I have made actual, real, deep friendships in the past few years, and he took so much time and patience with me, he recorded a whole video for my friend because he does fucking care. He sees us, this part of the fandom, and he appreciates it: that we’re a community and truly connect through his show. Words really can't express my emotions. Thank you Rob, for this.
#i have not cried in i cant tell you how long#and i got home and just.#3 tears fr#he got me.#he fucking got me as he should#FUCK dude they say never meet your faves#its because it means youre gonna simp for them for life i think#jesus#personal#rob mcelhenney#i made this post on twitter and#those teens are priv quoting me to hell#jealousy .. rough#anyway.#sorry if i look like a wanker but i don’t care lol
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"He's spent the entire time being picked upon and bullied by the family. I think personally from where Juan stands he sees the hypocrisy in the family, how they can do one thing and say another. As far as Juan is concerned he's always had the best interests of the family at heart, however misguided that might be and doesn't quite comprehend why nobody understands that. Nobody seems to understand that what he does, he does for the betterment of the Borgia clan and never waivers from that. He does that in ways that perhaps aren't sanctioned by the church or sanctioned by family law."
#oh spill the tea!! he truly believed he was doing something right. an impulsive sad lonely dude who doesn't think through#he was bestowed a position he never gave a fuck about in the first place because being a soldier is NOT what he wanted#he just wanted his family's love and affection. a simple i love you would've gone a long way#the way he teases cesare about being a cardinal because that's the only way to get his attention it's just a little brother thingie#and yet cesare took it way too personal lol crazy to me how cesare was the one who slowly destroyed juan before killing him#like how he forced his hand to murder djem and then slowly sabotaging him by mocking him constantly then setting him up to die at forli#by not informing him that ludovico's army was coming for his neck like even from a military stand point cesare ruined the forli mission fr#because he decided to prioritize his own jealousy of juan; humiliating him and hoping him to die so he can take his position as a soldier#the hypocrisy part is sooo tea because cesare killed juan in cold blood telling him that they're borgias and they never forgive#5 mins later he's begging rodrigo to forgive him for killing juan like bro was just saying that to dying juan to destroy him mentally first#i'm screaming he singlehandedly caused juan's spiraling into darkness. how are you gonna fuck up your brother that hard helpppp ?!!?!?!#fucked up dysfunctional family that i love#david oakes#juan borgia#the borgias#theborgiasedit#perioddramaedit#televisiongifs#tvedit#by jen
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KATEEEEE SOMEONE DID DO IT ON TWITTER 😭 THEY USED THOSE TAGS TO RATIO MAT COCH OMGGGG 😭😭😭😭
thank you to the lovely, hot, sexy bitch(gn) who did it (someone send me a screenshot pls, I wanna see)
#we are a joint enterprise#honestly I dont want to talk about this whole situation#but the level of misfeasance from the media makes it so fucking tough#I'll get over many things but never the fact that media girlie in vcarb telling me 'daniel is gonna be in the red bull in zandvoort'#and then not knowing what the fuck was happening in singapore bc red bull took over daniels press activities#sorry if tumblr user kate ef-1 can have a chit chat with girlie in vcarb about this yet media ppl who have permanent passes cant????#it changed my brain chemistry when i realised how much politicking was involved.#anyway @ mat cock girl you were made legitimate and given attention because you were the 'Daniel guy' and now you're no longer that :)#you've hitched your dumb fucking horse to someone else so stay in that lane lol? i know it doesnt give you the same attention but move on#at your insistence hes allegedly never coming back and isnt even interested so you'll have to milk someone else#it wont hit the same and you wont be as relevant but you cant be an f1 journo who covers the non-f1 enchante guy; right? :)
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how my parents feel after always reminding me how much better my older brother is than me
#seriously i remember when my mom flat out said ‘he’s smarter than you’#like i know that already lol?#they won’t shut up about him#had a good old break down last night realizing that i’m never gonna be my parents pride and jou the same way he is#they seriously brag about him wherever he goes#‘oh he’s in an ivy!!111!!”#and then i’m just in the damn background because my younger brother is a freshman in HS and he’s having it rough#so my own issues are resolved by ‘get over it’ or ‘oh well you’re motivated at least’#i’m not fucking motivated i just want to prove i’m just as good#or even a fraction as good#i’ll never be enough though#the mere fact my mom was considering canceling going to see the outsiders w/me because my brother has off that weekend and she’d rather go#see him kinda shows that#keep in mind we’re seeing him in two weeks and we’re going up literally the next weekend to see him#and they keep talking scour how they can’t wait until i’m in college#i can’t say anything to them though because they’ll get mad and tell me i’m being overdramatic#it feels like they want to get rid of me or smth#it hurts#a lot#i feel like i don’t have anyone because i can’t complain to my parents because i’m overshadowed by both my brothers#and i don’t know how to communicate my feelings without being a burden or sharing too much#i just feel lost#vent#sibling rivalry
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no you aren’t a little autistic for not wanting to make eye contact sometimes no you aren’t a little bipolar for having a mood swing no you aren’t a little adhd for bouncing your leg no you aren’t a little depressed for wanting to stay in bed no you aren’t a little schizophrenic for mistakingly hearing a voice no you aren’t a little ocd for wanting the class desks to be straight stop characterizing disorders by one symptom stop trying to lighten and romanticize disorders by applying a normal thing to do to a disorder that impacts peoples lives stop trying to water down these disorders so you can make it about you and so you can make a joke off of other people’s lives because you want to be funny
#me#idk im just so fucking tired of hearing people say “oh sorry im a little ocd lol xD” after keeping their desk neat????#that’s called wanting to be organized???#“im a little autistic cause i can’t stop talking about this show!” Yeah cause you like the show Carrie of course you are gonna talk about i#sorry I might delete this someone tell me if im being stupid or whatever but does this not piss people off#to hear people just water down a disorder to a simple trait that is incredibly common#so they can be funny and apply themselves to every situation and never have to feel left out#this isn’t about self diagnosis by the way#this is about people willfully ignoring the disability/disorders affects on others while using its symptoms to make a quick joke#Or to get a laugh#how the hell do I even tag this 😭#neurodivergent#neurotypical#depression#bipolar disorder#autism#ocd#schizophrenia
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silly little headcanon
After a lifetime of Incidents and Shenanigans™ with his capture weapon, I bet Aizawa would be God-tier at untangling slinkies.
#if you've ever had a bad slinky tangle#you know sometimes there's no way that bitch is gonna be the same#you can't tell me at least one of his problem children probably has one of those rainbow plastic slinkies#and you bet!!! when that thing gets tangled to hell and back and the kids have been trying to fix it for hours#sensei can be bribed with the promise of peace and quiet#and he'll fix it in fucking seconds like one of those rubix cube geniuses#not a single bend in the plastic#it's like it never happened#his other talents include undoing ill-advised knots on Things That Should Not Be Knotted#winding loose yarn or thread back into a perfect ball or spool#detangling Present Mic's hair from environmental threats (like tree branches)#and effortlessly organising a jungle of power wires#mha#aizawa shouta#aizawa sensei#eraserhead#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#mha thoughts#headcanon#silly post#shenanigans#screaming my thoughts into the void#I kinda wanna write a 5 + fic now lol
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finished hera & started lady macbeth and we have got to start blaming women for shit again for real
#this is a joke. but.#if i have to read one more retelling~ that’s just#‘but what if the woman was ASSAULTED ALL THE TIME and had NO AGENCY so everything bad she did was JUSTIFIED or a LIE???’ please stop#when you’re actively taking agency away from women written and portrayed in deeply patriachal cultures you’re not giving them a voice#youre taking the voice they had away.#women worked around and within the patriarchy while having feelings and ambitions and wants and dreams and flaws and virtues forever.#without the necessity of ‘but what if the MAN in her life was just SUPER EVIL and NOT NUANCED and she was just ASSAULTED’#what if no women wanted anything but SAFETY ever what if they were never power hungry or jealous or predatory ever themselves?#yes circe did this too if i have to see one more person say ‘oh except circe’ i will scream.#circe is literally like. the worst offender here.#pivoting back though sorry but it also all feels very bioessentialist PRESUMABLY without meaning to but ‘oh men are just inherently evil#with no nuance. nuance is for women and by nuance we mean was just super oppressed and wronged’ is uh haha actually terfy as fuck#good ol lady macunsexmeherebeth who definitely didn’t plot the whole thing to begin with for sure needs to be Given a Voice#i haven’t finished this one yet btw. i like this author’s work on the whole i just think this one is a swing and a miss because like.#this is not a woman who didn’t do anything and who didn’t have a voice.#if you want to show us her perspective in terms of her psychology and her inner workings and how she got to this place excellent wonderful#but not when the answer is just ‘but actually nothing was her fault ever!!!!!!’ like. lol let her want that crown for reasons that aren’t#my husband is abusive.#like oh my god.#same with hera you’re gonna go with the ONE tradition where she didn’t want to marry zeus#and all her rage is just about Injustice and the Patrairchy and not actual envy. okay.#she & zeus were an og most toxic couple of all time but they WERE in virtually all tradition a couple still who had times of reconciliation#and attachment.#like you know. actual toxic and abusive relationships do.#also it completely erased rhea who was actually the character whose story this more closely resembled#(warrior goddess with flop husband she finally schemes against)#instead she just. uh. went away oh no hera’s so afraid of being weak like mama she must break the cycle.#like okay this is the story you want to tell stop superimposing it on mythical entities from thousands of years ago then.#justice4rhea.#okay sorry. end rant.
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Just wanna remind everyone that it's NEVER okay to tell someone to die.
You don't know how hard they're fighting to stay alive every day. Or if they don't even want to fight for that any more.
#i hate that i let that get to me lmao just ruined my fucking day ive been sitting here sobbing for like an hour#i cant tell anyone just how much i dont even want to try any more bc i dont see the point#medical issues and mental issues dont pair well and i dunno if im even gonna be able to survive the next flare up#i dont need fandom spaces telling me to die when im already telling myself that every fucking day#also why does my age always get brought up lmao i didnt choose to be born 30 years ago stop telling me im old#my body has been telling me im old since age 11 you dont know what ive fucking been thru#30 was just a formality and serves as another reminder of how ill never meet societys expectations for a 30yo lmao#my point is. you should try showing a little more kindness if telling someone to die comes so easily#ive literally never once told anyone to die in my life. you just dont fucking go there. what if they kill themself right after that?#can you live knowing they did so on your command?#i couldnt#thats just like beyond fucked up#anyway im gonna go try and stop crying#ill prob stay off tumblr today idk i feel real sick lol#delete later / /#i hate that i cant exist as myself either in person (too queer and closeted in a rural area) or online (too queer and weird ships)#anyway
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i will genuinely never understand my dad!!! and i feel guilty for being confused and angered by him!!!! i don't know what he wants and i doubt i ever will
i guess he's known that he's had cancer for over a month now but never told me. and i dont know if it's because he wanted me to reach out/pay attention to him, as he's done in the past or if he just didn't think to, or if it's some other third mysterious reason that i can't think up
we aren't close since he was rarely in my life but i feel like that's something you tell your kid.
and the only reason i found out is because i went to go check and see why he hadn't replied to my message about asking if he wanted to hang out for the thousandth time without getting a response
#[static]#he tells me 'kid im gonna change i miss you i love you we need to hang out more im sorry that i wasnt around'#and then when we try and make plans it's like pulling teeth to get him to follow through#and sure there's been a couple of times in my life where ive had to back out of plans with him but like .....#we're talking less times than i have fingers on one hand in 30 years lol meanwhile he disappears for years without a word regularly#i thought we got somewhere last year when i decided to reach out after i stopped talking to him#we're both adults and we're busy but i somehow manage to have regular scheduled dnd games with 4 other adults twice a month#and i cant get my biological father who claims to want to know me reply to a message#and i know i know i know he's got his own demons and battles but i s2g it's just Frustrating because i dont know what he wants from me#i dont fuck with indecision and i dont like not knowing where i stand with someone#i know that he wont reach out to people in hopes they 'care enough' about him to do it#but like dude .......... SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME TOO WTF#i want to be unendingly compassionate to him since he's gotta figure out what he's gonna do regarding his throat cancer#but like ..... what am i supposed to do with this lmao he saw my message and didn't reply and maybe he's busy#but he also didnt reply to any of my other messages asking to make time to see each other#but then he called me this summer to see if i was in town when he was there (and i wasn't and it was out of the blue)#he also posted a lowkey transphobic comedy sketch on his page which is weird because that's not really his politics but also he's old#and i can just hear exactly what he'd say about it if i tried to even bring it up to him ever#idk what he wants from me but i sometimes think even he doesn't know#i think we missed our time to mend things into something that makes sense#anyways sorry for the vent into the void i just got new information and dealing with stuff about my dad is always difficult#i have rarely felt wanted by him and have never felt seen for who i am either
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god
#purrs#but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so#fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong#enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long#and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and#consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that#everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered#out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am#forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR#FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY#FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am#the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i#HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help#and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL#delete later
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