my sister just told my mom and i that she wants to join the military. i’m devastated i don’t even know what to do i need to talk to her but she’s not answering the phone. i know that she’s doing this because she wants a sense of purpose and hates her body and thinks the military will get her in shape and give her that purpose. i also know that she has endured so much early childhood trauma, emotional and verbal abuse from our father, and sexual trauma from being groomed as a young teen, and she probably is seeking a way to play out her traumas in an externalized way. i know her therapist is not trauma informed, is not and never has been equipped to help her, and probably hasn’t questioned her on her motivations behind this decision considering she told us immediately after coming out of a therapy session yesterday, as if her decision was made and she was being affirmed by her therapist to tell us. i don’t know how any mental health professional could encourage a currently minor child (though not for long, and that terrifies me, than in less than two months we have no control over her decisions, no way of protecting her…) to make such an irrevocable decision knowing all of their past trauma and history of suicidal ideation and self harm. and finally, i don’t know who my sister is if she’s someone who truly feels that the us military aligns with her morals. i hope she hasn’t put much thought behind it, because i can understand ignorance and susceptibility to propaganda, i won’t be able to understand it if she tells me that the military is an organization she wholly supports and aligns her values to.
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When a narcissist meets another narcissist and is shocked by them and you get to explain narcissism and its roots (no, not an evil inhuman creature that crawled out of Hell, but a child forever seeking the love and approval of others by building false paper-thin personas to attain people's love, while neglecting their true self, so forever feeling unloved, because people only love those false images they put all their effort into constructing--all their relationships are therefore flimsy and false and just seeking to gain those words of love their parents never gave them or only gave them when they performed, achieved, or did something to be ~worthy~ of love) to that person and at first, they're all annoyed, "By that logic, everyone's a narcissist, me, my mom, my dad, everyone in society!"
... so close. So close!
I tried to then reassure them they can in fact have narcissistic traits, it's rare to see such a fullblown textbook example like the one currently ruining her family back home, but no, not all of society is like that, even if it seems that way.
She spoke about how they always knew their parents loved them, even if they never said it, hit them, shouted at them, etc. (Yikes again, but I've seen the level of cruelty that became normalized in her family, to the point a man pulled his belt as if threatening to beat a tiny little girl, she burst into tears, and everyone laughed. It was so evil and sadistic and disturbing as hell to me.)
She also tried to spin it as Arab society in general having trouble actually saying "I love you" and said her parents never said it to her. I told her that's not normal, maybe in past generations, but it's like the hadeeth about the bedouin man who disapproved of the Prophet kissing his grandsons and telling him "You kiss your boys? We never do!" and the Prophet just looks at him and tells him "What can I do for you if God has removed mercy from your heart?"
I explained children differ in nature and personalities, not all of them will just know their parents love them if they never say it. That's the thing people laugh about when they don't understand progressive parenting or why the parents praise their kid and tell them how much they love them and are proud of them, whether they win or lose, because children need that validation and love from their parents, to have true uncondtional love not tied with achievements and their image or bragging rights before society. Children should be loved not for their achievements or parental "bragging rights," but because it's their right as children to receive parental love and necessary for their mental wellbeing, or we can easily get adults who make it everyone else's problem that their parents didn't love them, and never stop neglecting their own souls to perform and present a false image hoping to hear words of love or praise from other people, all the while frustrated, knowing they aren't loved, but only a false picture of them is.
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having a sister who spent years working on a very busy high-risk labor/delivery floor and then went into general high risk OB services is fun because i get ALL the details on how exactly labor differs from media’s depictions of it
like she’s talking to my ma on the phone rn and i just heard her say “yeah she had a great labor! she only pushed for three and a half hours,” and my mom went “oh wow that’s not bad at all!” and i thought the same thing and then remembered that tv always makes it seem like once you start pushing, you’ve got ten, maybe twenty minutes until your baby is in your arms!!? that’s just something i thought was true for most of my life since i’ve never had a baby and most women who HAVE had babies (in my own personal experience etc etc) didn’t seem to really keep track of the timing of what happened when and how long each phase of labor lasted and all that jazz, and honestly it’s not something i’d have ever thought to question. but thanks to having a super cool sister who is very competent and has a ton of L&D experience, i know a lot about the nitty gritty details of labor!!! and that’s pretty cool
having a sister who is an L&D nurse has also, incidentally, firmly cemented my pre-existing refusal to EVER give birth to a child, too, because dear fucking god, the things i’ve heard. never in a million fucking years could that be me
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