#my sister is the worst person to have over
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ᥫ᭡. THAT’S MY SISTER YOU BITCH
Summary: Despite Sarah and Rafe’s volatile relationship, that’s your sister.
Warnings: Violence, illusions to sex, swearing.
You had a great day so far. You'd woken up to Rafe in between your legs, waking you up in the best way possible before he made you both breakfast as you watched him from the island. Sometimes you just liked to ponder on how lucky you were to have a boyfriend like Rafe. To everyone else, you were far from lucky but you liked it that way- knowing only you got the real Rafe Cameron.
Now, you were on your way back from grocery shopping, planning to make Rafe a romantic meal when he arrived back from work. Blasting music from your car speakers, you were completely in the zone. Until you drove up to the City Hall, glancing ahead you saw Kelce's red truck, which you thought nothing of until you saw him and his idiotic friends surrounding John B and Sarah.
Alarmed, you pulled up next to the truck, gathering the attention of everyone. Despite being a kook yourself, you were far different from the rest of them. You didn't care about pogues, to you they were like anyone else, in fact often you preferred the pogues in the Outer Banks to the kooks. Rafe's circle exclusively consisted of kooks, meaning you often received a lot of respect from kooks even though you spent a lot of your time arguing with them. Rafe didn't mind it, you were his girlfriend and lover, so if you wanted to yell he wouldn't stop you.
"Problem?" You asked, slamming your car door shut behind you. Just as Sarah hit the ground. Immediately you rushed towards Sarah. Yeah, Rafe and Sarah had problems they needed to get past but to you, Sarah was still as important as she was 2 years ago. You were proud of her for finding her true love and true friends, and you always let her know that you would always be there for her. And this time was no exception. Putting two and two together, you saw Ruthie standing much closer to Sarah than the other kooks who looked at her in shock.
They all stood stunned at your arrival, to be honest, you were probably the worst possible person to show up at that exact moment. Everyone knew your opinions on the Pogues were far more empathetic than the other kooks. "No, no problem" Kelce muttered, beginning to pull Ruthie and the others back from Sarah and John B, to which they happily obliged. Not on your watch.
"Oh no, don't stop on my accord guys. Please whatever you were going to do next. Do it." Walking over to them, Ruthie stood stunned at your arrival. Since she started dating Topper, you got a lot of joy out of berating her, publically. For once, she didn't back down at your words. "She needs to watch herself. She pushed me first, it was self-defence." Ruthie said, glancing behind you to see John B pulling Sarah to her feet.
Snorting you replied, "Ruthie, I'm not Shoupe. Don't start pleading your case, I don't care." She stalled at your response, for a moment thinking that you were on her side for pushing Sarah before you pulled her back to reality. Walking closer to her, edgingly slow, you pressed, "You think you're all big and mighty for pushing Sarah? She's 19 Ruthie, you're what? 21? Don't you think you should play with someone your own size?"
Behind you, John B and Sarah smirked at the group. Unbeknownst to you, Sarah was pregnant and John B was far too occupied to make sure Sarah was okay than to pick a fight with Kelce and his goons today. But you happily would, and even better so because who was going to fight back against the kook princess? Definitely not these ones.
“Well?” You pushed, as you stood toe to toe with Ruthie. You were growing impatient, Rafe would have finished work by now meaning that soon he’d come looking for you- and you’d rather give Ruthie a good couple punches before Rafe showed up.
“Okay times up.” Before she could even think, your fist sent her backwards onto the floor, just how Sarah had been when when you arrived. Groaning, she lifted her hands to cover her nose, assumably bleeding- hopefully broken if Rafe’s self defence lessons had done some good. “Oh my god- I think you broke my nose. You bitch.” She shrieked, pulling her hands away to reveal blood beginning to pour from her nose.
Ruthie was nothing but a bully, a bully you’d had enough of tormenting the island. Your legs either side of her chest you crouched over her, “Don’t worry you still look just as bad as before.” You muttered as you flew your fist back into her face that she left unguarded. Idiot. Her screaming began again, as you moved off from her, deciding that your two punches had done enough damage. Wow, you’d really have to thank Rafe for those lessons.
“Just wait until Topper hears about this, he will deal with you.” One of the other kooks muttered from behind Kelce. “Yeah I’m sure Topper will be sure to deal with me.” You laughed, Topper wouldn’t touch a hair on your arm as long as you were dating Rafe- everyone knew that.
“You want to fuck with someone, not Sarah.” You spat at them, watching Ruthie sadly pull herself to her feet, with the help of no one. “That’s my sister you bitch. Now fuck off.” At your command, Kelce briskly walked back over to his truck, as the others followed just as fast, allowing you to turn back to John B and Sarah.
You were greeted to their smiling faces, both as grateful as each other. But you noticed, a twinge of emotion still lingering on Sarah’s face. Hearing you call her your sister in combination with her pregnancy hormones, was due to set her off to cry. Before she could get out any words, you spoke for her. “You are my sister regardless of whatever is going on between you and Rafe. You’re family.” Turning to John B, you continued, “That extends to you, hubby.” You winked looking down at the ring on his finger.
With a red blush covering their faces, they praised you in thank yous. “Don’t need to thank me for doing something I’ve been wanting to do for months.” Glancing back to see the red truck had disappeared.
“Now, you can thank me for warning you that Rafe will be here any minute and I’m not sure you want to see him.”
—————————
“Baby, please be more careful next time.” Rafe muttered, as he wrapped your knuckles in bandages. He was more than shocked to find you outside the city hall- alone- but with bloody knuckles. Only with the explanation, that you had an altercation with Ruthie, surprisingly over Sarah. He was confused to say the least, he wasn’t even aware that Ruthie had a problem with his little sister. But the more he thought about it, of course she did- Topper still hadn’t gotten over her.
“In fact, there will be no next time. Ever.” Kissing your knuckles, he pulled you onto his chest as he lied back on your shared king bed. Stroking your hair, he let his mind wonder. Should he have been there to protect Sarah? But they hadn’t had a good relationship in years, he couldn’t just suddenly start caring for her. He also couldn’t let you get into situations that could get you hurt over protecting Sarah.
You noticed his body still and you knew instantly his mind was wondering thinking about Sarah. Without moving your head from his chest you spoke, “Rafe. I love Sarah. I know you have a difficult relationship at the moment and whilst you can’t protect her I will.” Letting the silence sit between you for a moment, you decided to continue.
“She’s our only family, Rafe.” He didn’t move, but you both knew how right you were. She was all you had left. “I know baby, I know.” He whispered, laying a kiss on the top of your head, before he let his mind slip back into imagining how he can rectify this broken relationship with his sister.
#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#outerbanks rafe#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe obx#rafe outer banks#rafe x reader#rafe imagine#outer banks#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe fanfiction#rafe x you#rafe cameron x female reader
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Hey, just today I've decided to stop seeing my parents and siblings for an indeterminate amount of time, and to possibly even break off all contact if it has to come to that. They refuse to acknowledge me as the person i really am and I can't keep sacrificing my mental health and me up for that. Will you please pray for me? And if it's not too much to ask, do you perhaps have a bible passage to strengthen me during this time? I still want to stay close to God, because I know the way God created me was correct and good. Thank you
~Micha (they/them)
Hi Micha,
What a difficult, courageous thing you've done. I will absolutely hold you in my prayers; I pray you will find relief in having finally made the hard decision, and continue to live into flourishing.
The Bible story that comes to my mind is a strange one, only told by Mark (3:20-35):
Very early in Jesus's ministry, as he gathers followers and gains attention, his family is apparently very concerned.
Perhaps they know this path puts him in danger; or maybe they just worry about his "lifestyle" reflecting badly on them. Either way, they know they have to "take control of him;" after all, he's clearly "out of his mind" (v. 21).
So his mother and siblings hurry to a house where Jesus is teaching, but it's packed so full they can't get inside. So they send a messenger in and also call for him from outside (vv. 31-32). I can just imagine their calls: "Please honey, this isn't like you! Who influenced you to go this way?" "You're the man of the house, you can't just abandon us to hang out with queer friends and say edgy things!" "What will the neighbors say?"
But when Jesus is told his family is out there calling to him, he answers, “Who is my mother? Who are my siblings?” Looking around at those seated around him in a circle, he said, “Look, here are my mother and my brothers. Whoever does God’s will is my brother, sister, and mother.”
We know Jesus's love for his mother. I am sure he loved his whole family with the infinite depth of God. Yet he risks losing them, says hard words he know will probably hurt, because if they make him choose between them and living out God's will, he has to choose God's will.
We don't know whether he ever reconciled with his siblings; they don't appear anywhere else in the Gospels. Maybe this was their last encounter, not even face-to-face. Maybe his brothers could not abide his abnormal lifestyle and chose to cut him out of their lives.
But we do know Jesus reconciles with Mary, the mother who proclaimed divine revolution as a newly pregnant teen (Luke 1:46-55) — yet who seems to waver now, either out of fear for her son or failing to understand that what he's doing now is the revolution.
But I like to imagine when Mary hears what Jesus says about family, the implication that she is only mother to him if she continues to help him in living God's will, she immediately corrects course. She will keep supporting him, even when she doesn't fully understand.
Sure enough, Mary supports him all the way to the cross, all the way to the grave. They are present for each other, comforting each other through the worst moment of both their lives.
[Jesus even fuses his biological family and his found family together from the cross. Now that he will no longer be the "man" in Mary's life who offers her legal and social protection; and now that he won't be there to love on his Beloved, he offers John to Mary, Mary to John. "Woman, here is your son. John, here is your mother!" (John 19:25-27)
Is that queer or what?? As his final act on this side of the tomb, Jesus essentially makes his mother and lover mother-in-law and son-in-law! ...I can't not think of the AIDS crisis, where dying partners would pass their beloved's care over to surviving loved ones.]
___
Jesus always prioritized chosen family over biological family. A biological relative can be part of your chosen family, but belonging to that family is no more automatic for them than for anyone else.
Jesus shows us that when family fails to support us in doing God's will — in this case, taking up the invitation to co-create yourself with God, to commit your own small rebellion against the status quo, to prophecy resurrection as embracing your queerness brings you to new life — they cease to be family in the way that matters most.
That rupture can be mended at any point, if and when those who did harm seek to make amends — and receive consent to do so. Whether or not reconciliation ever takes place, we seek out others who will celebrate us and support us in our efforts to glorify God with our lives.
___
God of love, Hold Micha close in this time of loss and and changed relationships. Comfort them in the knowledge that this rupture is no fault of theirs, but caused by parents and siblings refusing to embrace all they are, and failing imagine a fuller Kin(g)dom, a vaster love, a more colorful Image of God.
Spirit of courage and wisdom, guide Micah towards those who will delight in all that they are. Help them build a family founded on love, equity, and mutual support. Wherever their journey takes them, make your unconditional love, your unwavering presence known to them.
Amen.
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Chloe's Second Chance AU
(ik I'm so creative with names)
A 24-year-old Chloe returns to her 13-year-old body a few days before the events of the show
She is a way more mature Chloe who learned from her mistakes after going to therapy (and after being exiled to New York and becoming independent from Audrey)
She considers New York her true home cuz she never felt truly loved in Paris
After getting better, she was able to be friends with Adrien again, but their relationship was never the same
She had many part-time jobs to be able to survive without Audrey's help
WHEN SHE RETURNS
She freaks out the first few hours and desperately searches for a way to come back home, but after calming down a bit, she sees this as an opportunity to apologize, she still looks for a way to come back tho
She want to go back cuz she doesn't want to go through everything with her shitty family again (being humiliated by Audrey, being traded by the parent who thought he loved her for her half-sister who doesn't even share blood with him, being exiled by him...)
Chloé plans to apologize to everyone, but the priority is Marinette (because she was the one she treated the worst) and she decides it with a apology letter. After finishing the letter she receives a message from Adrien
ADRIEN
He thanks Chloé for persuading his father and says if he goes to school, it will be thanks to her. Chloé sends him a message that she is 100% sure that he will succeed. But she also tells him he doesn't need to be with her all the time anymore and suggest to pretend they don't know each other, feeling guilty about his rough start at school bc he was friend with her.
Adrien is confused and thinks Chloé doesn't want to be friends anymore, despite all the messages, Chloe doesn't answer him anymore. Adrien despairs wondering what happened and has deja vu, feeling abandoned again (mommy issues) his determination to go to school becomes 10 times more intense to find out what happened with Chloe
Adrien still helps Fu, but he's more stubborn this time and pushes Nathalie's hand away, which distracts Gorilla so that he can actually go on the first day this time
He hugs Chloé, causing a scene. When asked if they are a couple, Chloé firmly says they are just friends
She said it firmly and without hesitation. Adrien feels a lump in his throat, but he wonders why, obviously they are friends and always have been so why does it feel so painful?
That's because he recently felt for the first time that he could actually lose Chloe, that friend who was there since he was practically born. Added to the fact that he had recently lost another important person (Emilie) makes him become a little possessive of Chloe
...
Cloe: Are you sure? I still feel that it will be difficult for you to get along with the others if they know that you are my friend...
Adrien: As I said I don't need a friend who doesn't like you
....
Marinette: Are you friends with Chloe?
Adrien noticed Marinette's obvious dislike towards her friend, he frowns
A: You know what? Nevermind
He turns around, angry, knowing that Marinette is one of those people he won't become friends with. And Marinette just rolls her eyes
ALYA
Chloé avoids Marinette and is surprised when Alya greets her enthusiastically. Chloé freaks out at the sudden greeting, wondering why Alya is sitting next to her then she realizes the consequences of not fighting for the seat and tries to pair Alya and Marinette, but Alya is more interested in talking about superheroes.
Chloé, a secret superhero fan (influenced by Adrien when he showed her the magical girls in the anime, but since it wasn't appropriate for a daughter of a politician, she repressed that taste, but after being exiled she didn't have to hide it anymore), bonds with Alya over their shared interest.
Chloé feels guilty for taking Marinette's precious friend but decides to keep Alya as her seatmate since Alya is new she doesn't know about all the bad things she did and it's refreshing to have someone who doesn't avoid her or isn't afraid of her
Since Chloe never put the gum, Mari doesn't fall in love with Adrien, but she still doesn't like Adrien cuz he's Chloe's friend
Chloé realizes too late the consequences of not putting the gum (Adrien from the future told her) Chloé has no idea how to fix it and doesn't want to put the gum in again either, but she makes herself believe that maybe it's for the best, it doesn't make their first meeting so unpleasant and surely in the future there will be more opportunities for Mari to fall in love with Adrien! (Adrien told her many of their romantic events)
Obviously mari never fell in love with Adrien
MARINETTE
Marinette receives a letter from Chloé before the first day of school, that letter doesn't let her sleep causing her anxiety.
On the first day, Chloé looks at Marinette sitting in her seat, deliberately avoiding her and passing her by without even looking at her (Mari stares at her expecting her to tease her, but is surprised when she ignores her and wonders if the letter was real, shakes her head dismissing it and "it's probably a trap")
Umbrella scene
Marinette confronts Chloé about the letter, saying what the hell does this mean
Chloé blushes saying that it's an apology letter, but Mari doesn't believe her at all
Chloé assures her that it's not true and begins to explain
C: The reason why I've bothered you so much even more than the others is because I was jealous of you
M: Jealous? But you're Chloe Bourgeois! The girl who has everything!
C: Not everything-she said with a sad smile- you have friends who love and support you and a wonderful family that believes in you. My mom abandoned me when I was 5 and my dad sees me as nothing more than a political tool
Marinette stares at her not knowing what to say
C: I know that's no excuse for everything I put you through and I understand if you don't want to forgive me but you deserve an apology and an explanation. I'm truly sorry Marinette
M: I-I don't know if I can forgive you, I have to think about it
C: Fair, although could you accept my umbrella? My limo is right in front so I won't get wet
Marinette cautiously accepts the umbrella and a clap of thunder sounds at that moment making her heart beat faster causing the umbrella to close suddenly, Chloé laughs before she can help it and apologizes
C: I'm sorry I didn't mean to make fun of you! It was just something very sudden and-
M: Haha it's okay, I admit that it was kind of funny
Cloe smiles at her in relief
C: See you tomorrow Dupain Cheng -she says before getting into the limo-
M: A-aha s-see you, why am I stuttering?
AUDREY
Audrey comes back way more earlier bc of Chloe's new behavior (maybe André asked her for help, but I honestly don't think Audrey will listen to him, although that might just get her interest a little)
So Audrey becomes Style Queen earlier and Marinette is sent by the lucky charm to Master Fu (maybe this happens before Tikki gets sick so it would be the first time she meets the guardian)
Fu doesn't let Marinette choose the holder this time because he doesn't know her as well as in the series, he suddenly remembers when Chloe helped him on the first day of school and tells Marinette that he will choose the new holder of the bee himself
Chloé is very confused as to why the miraculous was found somewhere else, but she doesn't think much about it in order to help LB and CN quickly
Once they win, QB tries to LB returns the Miraculous to LB but LB panics saying not to reveal her identity
QB is very confused and LB explains to her that she has been chosen
QB asks her confused if she doesn't know her identity and LB tells her no. She also asks if this is permanent or temporary. (I don't know if LB knows that, either way, if it's just temporary the Guardian will contact her to return it)
QB agrees and leaves and yes it was temporary (I still don't know how she would return it, maybe Fu disguises himself?)
But Pollen is very sad and tries to convince Fu to make her a permanent hero, flattering her for everything
Pollen: she is the best Queen Bee I have seen, she is very strong, she is very mature for her age, she is very intelligent and cunning, she knows how to do everything (because of her jobs in her past life) (Basically she is Tikki 2.0)
Pollen does this every time a new Akuma appears
Someone gets Akumatized
Pollen: Do you know who could help LB and CN to resolve this quickly? Queen Bee~
Fu is a little tired, but I find it somewhat endearing and also understands that kwamis want to go out more
Relations Situation
Chloe likes LB
Marinette likes Chloe (she's in denial but Tikki knows better)
Adrien likes Chloe
Adrien and Marinette hate each other
LB only sees QB as a good friend
Sabrina hates Alya (explained in kofi)
Chloe sees Adrien as a friend/sibling
Chloe doesn't know LB or CN identities
If you want to know more all the lore is available in my kofi! (I'll probably post there new AU ideas and art in the future so stay tuned ^^)
Cooking a new AU rn
#Chloe's second chance au#chloe bourgeois#chloenette#chlodrien#chlobug#I had to summarize 13 Word pages in this 💀💀#So there are a lot of details that I left out
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Relatives that overstay their welcome on the holidays are sooooo annoying. Like you were invited for ONE meal. Leave.
#holidats#holidays#too angry to type properly#my sister is the worst person to have over#cant wait to own my own house and not deal with her and her husband#i love christmas and she is ruining it for me
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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tw abuse in the tags
#my dad decided that he was going to share his posts on threads where he trauma dumped shit with me and my sister#and it pisses me off so much that he can talk about all the trauma he’s gone through#and all the shitty things he’s gone through#and literally anything and everything that’s happened to him#but won’t acknowledge that he abused me my mom and my sister growing up#i got the worst of it all bc ofc i fucking did my sister was his favorite and i knew from a young age that she was#still is tbh#i’ve only been back in contact with my dad for a little over 5 years and since then there have been 3 separate occasions#where he’s acknowledged what he’s done to me and how it’s affected our relationship#the last one being last year where he actually apologized#but the first was in 2019 when we first started talking again and then again in 2021#and then last year in 2023#and i can’t talk about the shit he put me through bc he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it#and it pisses me tf off that he can do literally anything else to better himself#but the minute i want to even throw a passing fancy towards our past he freezes#and i feel like i have to change the subject bc lol dad’s uncomfortable!#i’ll admit i don’t talk about the shit he put me through willingly to anyone not even my therapist#but how the fuck are you going to sit there and trauma dump to the person YOU traumatized? and won’t talk about the trauma with?#fuck all the way off that’s fucking bullshit and we all know it
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Life, aiming a loaded crossbow at me: I'm sorry. You were involved in the decisions that led to this, but you can't know whether they're worth it until everything is done. This is the first step. Endure it as best you can.
Me, shot with the crossbow bolt: [looks down and sees a label tied to the bolt that reads "metaphor for stressful situation"] Ow. Thanks for the warning, I guess? At least it's the only thing I'm getting shot with for a good while.
Life, reloading several bolts into the crossbow at once: Have you ever heard of speed shooting?
Me: I want it to be known that I resent this.
Life: Noted. [shoots me multiple times in quick succession]
Me, on the floor and stuck full of crossbow bolts all over my body: Recovering from this is gonna suck.
#sonder speaks#personal post#I'm trying to joke about my stress#but I did in fact get so stressed that it triggered a seizure#and then my immune system was so compromised from the stress and seizure that I'm now sick#and those are just the incidental health side effects of the stress itself#the situations have been numerous and covered a wide range of severity#the first crossbow bolt was my family deciding to move states and realizing the timeline will be very very short#the next was one of my budgies dying#then my dad having a week+ long dramatic panic attack meltdown about the move#he's past the worst of the meltdown itself but the deep deep fear is still an issue and a stressor#then it was my mom and sister panicking over making things work#then it was my seizure and being in the ER right up until it was time to catch a flight#then stress over helping to find the rught house while knowing none of them will satisfy the fear of my dad#but most of them will fit the criteria for which we originally chose to move#and then the dog we inherited from my grandma -- who's never bonded with anyone but me and never that deeply with me#who was in the shelter for a day and then retrieved and who I defended when other family members wanted her returned --#she growled at my 6 month old niece and nobody is bonded enough with her to train her to be gentle with a baby or toddler#she's a risk to my niece so she had to go back to the shelter and I'm a lot sadder and more stressed about it than I expected#I even cried and I don't cry over anything not even the deaths of grandparents or pets#and it's looking like I might have diabetes too but I can't get my labs done to find out for sure until I'm not sick#and the crossbow just keeps being fired at me#I know others are more stresed over more and bigger things#but I am so sick of these crossbow bolts#I want to be done with these#I want my stress levels down
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i am BEGGING restaurants to stop putting cheese and garlic on LITERALLY EVERYTHING EVER
#LITERALLY TWO OF MY WORST FOODS AS AN AUTISTIC PERSON#sob sob#i'm going out for lunch with my family tomorrow#and we're going to this place that my sister suggested#and she's like ''oh yeah the food there is so good''#and the menu is. literally THE most unfriendly to my flavour of 'tism#one time my sister took me to a restaurant on a whim and i was happy to go because i trusted her#but i looked at the menu (after sitting down) and nearly had a panic attack#and no i can't ask for anything to get removed because whenever i do it's like a 50/50 for if it actually gets removed#and then i feel like an asshole asking for them to fix it#because i don't want them to think that i'm just an annoying picky eater#bc i've already asked once#for example this place does a chili but they put cheese on it (there is no menu variant without cheese)#but like previously mentioned cheese is no bueno para mi#like i can sometimes have it but only in very specific circumstances#and cheese on top of chili is NOT it#i love chili though#but if it arrives with cheese then i can't just scoop it off. it's already been Contaminated#one time i ordered fish and chips with garden peas and they gave me mushy peas instead and i can't eat that#so i sent it back and they came back a few seconds later with the majority of the mushy peas scraped off#but it still had the residue all over the fish and the chips#and i can't eat that!!!!!#and then because it was a pub and not a restaurant i had to stand awkwardly at the bar trying to get someone's attention#it was awful#anyway i should make a vent tag#shapes.vent
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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
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choked up in my room rn bc i was sat in the car with my mum completely lost in thought and she out of nowhere went 'are you okay?' and i was like 'yeah? why?' bc i was totally fine i was literally just thinking and she let it go and then five entire minutes later she goes 'are you sure? have i done something?' and she sounded so genuinely anxious and i could tell she'd been thinking about it the entire 5 minutes while id been completely oblivious and i spent so many years as a child letting everything bottle up until it all burst out in a messy and ugly breakdown that took her down with me and despite that she never hated me she only ever blamed herself for not seeing the signs and she's never been able to see my signs because i keep everything to myself and it terrifies her that she might miss something and she handles things poorly when she's scared and she gets too angry but fundamentally she's trying her absolute hardest to be a good mother and it wasn't always enough and i know i have to hold her at least partially accountable but also she's my mum and im her daughter and she always just wants to know if im okay and most of the time im not and somehow that feels like ive betrayed her
#like my mum is such a loud powerful force of a woman that these little moments of vulnerability where she's just HONEST with me#and she shows me that she's worried or scared or unsure instead of just constantly putting up a strong front#always always bowl me over#like ive literally said to her time and time again that i'd find it easier to communicate with her if she wasn't so strong all the time#like of course i hate crying and being emotional in front of you when youve made it v clear my whole life that you hate doing that#when it's you that's the one being emotional like that's not fair#but also being strong all the time is literally a survival thing she had no choice but to implement bc her own life was so hard#so how can i just ask her to lower those walls for me? even if keeping them up is to both our detriment?#and like ive talked on here before how she's openly admitted to me that she finds my temper harder to handle than my sister's#even tho mine is quieter and significantly less messy. but she's also said to me that in general she finds my sister easier to deal with#bc my sister's so open and if she's angry she yells if she's sad she cries if she's happy she talks ur ear off etc etc#i just insist on handling everything myself and the worse i feel the more i deal on my own and it TERRIFIES my mum#BECAUSE it's led to mistakes in the past but also just bc i have never ever doubted that she has so much love for me in her heart#like even when our relationship was at its worst it was never ever a lack of love and she just does genuinely care and worry about me#it's just if she's scared she just gets ANGRY and her angry means her hurting my feelings and my feelings being hurt means i shut down MORE#and it's literally the worst combo but we love each other so much that we're both clawing through it anyway it makes me want to cry#and because she's always so strong i FORGET that there's just a scared vulnerable person behind those walls#that has no idea what she's doing bc her own mum never taught her anything good#and my mum blames herself so completely for every bad thing like she says things like 'i feel like ive failed' and idk how to tell her#that she IS messy and incredibly flawed and she HAS done things that have hurt me beyond comprehension#and there are bad parts of my personality that exist because of her and her alone#but ive also done terrible things to her too like not even considering the fact our responses arent compatible and that hurts her#i also did some DUMB shit when i first started tackling ye olde mental illness that had a HUGELY negative impact on everyone around me#but she is still my favourite person in the world and my best friend and i love her and i know she loves me and i just want to hold her#girls when their mum isnt an all powerful being but instead a flawed human trying their best: SKJDGHKDJSHGJKSDHGJKSH#hella goes home
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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#feeling incredibly lost and full of grief#I feel so deeply sad over the people I’ve lost#even the people that didn’t physically die but chose to leave my life#lost mother figures and best friends back to back#can’t catch my breath anymore#I choose to ignore it because the worst of all this is losing my sister and foster mom#I can’t speak aloud about it without uncontrollably sobbing#because if I speak on it that makes it real#someday I’ll have to talk about it and face it#I’m about to cry just from writing about it#it comes in waves and intervals#I’m so stuck in a vicious loop of self destruction and resentment#I’m surprised I’m still here#personal
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my sister just told my mom and i that she wants to join the military. i’m devastated i don’t even know what to do i need to talk to her but she’s not answering the phone. i know that she’s doing this because she wants a sense of purpose and hates her body and thinks the military will get her in shape and give her that purpose. i also know that she has endured so much early childhood trauma, emotional and verbal abuse from our father, and sexual trauma from being groomed as a young teen, and she probably is seeking a way to play out her traumas in an externalized way. i know her therapist is not trauma informed, is not and never has been equipped to help her, and probably hasn’t questioned her on her motivations behind this decision considering she told us immediately after coming out of a therapy session yesterday, as if her decision was made and she was being affirmed by her therapist to tell us. i don’t know how any mental health professional could encourage a currently minor child (though not for long, and that terrifies me, than in less than two months we have no control over her decisions, no way of protecting her…) to make such an irrevocable decision knowing all of their past trauma and history of suicidal ideation and self harm. and finally, i don’t know who my sister is if she’s someone who truly feels that the us military aligns with her morals. i hope she hasn’t put much thought behind it, because i can understand ignorance and susceptibility to propaganda, i won’t be able to understand it if she tells me that the military is an organization she wholly supports and aligns her values to.
#i can’t deal with this#i already have so much anticipatory grief for my parents#because they are already older than a lot of my peers’ parents—late 50s early 60s respectively#and my mom has so many health issues i’m in a constant state of fear that something will happen to her#but even if both of my parents live a lot longer i know there will be a time where they’re both gone#and my baby sister is supposed to be the person who will always be with me till the end#i’ve always worried about her because of her history of suicidal ideation#and being away from her at college out of state i feel guilty all the time that she feels abandoned by me#she has attachment issues due to her early childhood trauma and i know that i am one of very few people she is genuinely attached to#and thinks of as family#she has even said that she thinks of me as her ONLY family over even our mother#i just#i can’t cope with this#right now is the worst possible time for a breakdown but i am just sobbing#i have a performance tonight i have to be okay for#fuck
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i hope i die, you broke my heart
#personal#so fucking tired oh my god#just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic#sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do#like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me#taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group#as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it#all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you#theres a reason im always the person you go to#byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you#like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ??#does it need to be completely equal to be fair#and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat#im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love#like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired#i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us#idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood#and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest#you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either#and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix#but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt#but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much#i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did???#and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me#a little more than they were supposed to#i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me#iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary#okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow#byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh#💭
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When a narcissist meets another narcissist and is shocked by them and you get to explain narcissism and its roots (no, not an evil inhuman creature that crawled out of Hell, but a child forever seeking the love and approval of others by building false paper-thin personas to attain people's love, while neglecting their true self, so forever feeling unloved, because people only love those false images they put all their effort into constructing--all their relationships are therefore flimsy and false and just seeking to gain those words of love their parents never gave them or only gave them when they performed, achieved, or did something to be ~worthy~ of love) to that person and at first, they're all annoyed, "By that logic, everyone's a narcissist, me, my mom, my dad, everyone in society!"
... so close. So close!
I tried to then reassure them they can in fact have narcissistic traits, it's rare to see such a fullblown textbook example like the one currently ruining her family back home, but no, not all of society is like that, even if it seems that way.
She spoke about how they always knew their parents loved them, even if they never said it, hit them, shouted at them, etc. (Yikes again, but I've seen the level of cruelty that became normalized in her family, to the point a man pulled his belt as if threatening to beat a tiny little girl, she burst into tears, and everyone laughed. It was so evil and sadistic and disturbing as hell to me.)
She also tried to spin it as Arab society in general having trouble actually saying "I love you" and said her parents never said it to her. I told her that's not normal, maybe in past generations, but it's like the hadeeth about the bedouin man who disapproved of the Prophet kissing his grandsons and telling him "You kiss your boys? We never do!" and the Prophet just looks at him and tells him "What can I do for you if God has removed mercy from your heart?"
I explained children differ in nature and personalities, not all of them will just know their parents love them if they never say it. That's the thing people laugh about when they don't understand progressive parenting or why the parents praise their kid and tell them how much they love them and are proud of them, whether they win or lose, because children need that validation and love from their parents, to have true uncondtional love not tied with achievements and their image or bragging rights before society. Children should be loved not for their achievements or parental "bragging rights," but because it's their right as children to receive parental love and necessary for their mental wellbeing, or we can easily get adults who make it everyone else's problem that their parents didn't love them, and never stop neglecting their own souls to perform and present a false image hoping to hear words of love or praise from other people, all the while frustrated, knowing they aren't loved, but only a false picture of them is.
#actually traumatized#narcissistic abuse#physical abuse#emotional abuse#narcissism#me trying my best to explain things to my abuser so she maybe stops hurting people a little#her my sister and two others are why I have that fear of interacting with anymore untreated folks with b personality disorders#the last time I told her the way her parents treated her was wrong I got the worst beating of my life and stonewalled for a week or so#I couldn't sleep comfortably because there were bruises all over my legs in every direction it hurts so bad#negative#personal
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Have to thank my partner for realizing before I did that talking about kids with people makes me extremely dysphoric --- whereas I thought I just had a problem and hated children or something lol
#you can't really start a sentence with 'i don't hate children--' though.#do i... like them..? ehh they're fine on their own. i just don't like to be around them for very long. they freak me out.#but mostly it's parents who freak me out. or people who aren't parents yet but kids are all they talk about#(cough) my sister-in-law.#it's not ALL she talks about but she does happen to bring children up an awful lot around me. and uhh i have bad news for her.#anyway i feel like the worst person on earth but my gut reaction when i hear people talking about kids is to just get pissed off#or roll my eyes or want to leave the conversation STAT. like my flight instinct takes over.#so it was my partner who figured out that these conversations activate my dysphoria like a nuclear bomb.#dysphoria has manifested in the form of irritation for me this year. same with depression. i just feel angry and annoyed all the time#plus a bit of despair. and it gets more intense with every passing month.#my sister has decided to work in childcare and is doing a placement. she also updates me on every single thing she does in a day -#- down to how many times she shits. i wish i was kidding.#so i get a constant feed of what these random children did in a day (yesterday a girl showed my sister her poop lol)#and it would be funny and fine if it didn't make me want to jump out of my gd skin.#happens all the time at school too.#'whaaaaaaaat you don't want BAABIIEEES?? but you'd make such a good mom!!!'#ahaha No i would not thank you. jesus christ please no thank you. please.#i'm a father figure to a few of my friends and it's the best feeling in the world. that's all i need.#conversations like that always trap me. i feel like a fucking rabbit. stuck with all the aunties in the kitchen.#so i have to be a dick and not offer to clear the plates because none of the men are clearing the plates.#just........ Gender. UGH!!
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