#plus a bit of despair. and it gets more intense with every passing month.

[non-un-topo]

Have to thank my partner for realizing before I did that talking about kids with people makes me extremely dysphoric --- whereas I thought I just had a problem and hated children or something lol

[lupinsravenclaw]

Until we meet again// The Weasley au

content warning: mention of death, hints of depression, swearing, intense sadness:((

George sat on his bed, staring at the blank wall. No expression on his face other than complete and utter despair. His eyes were dull, lifeless, hurt, while his skin was grey and sickly looking. He had sat there, for hours on end since they had came back from the Battle of Hogwarts. Fred's death, naturally, took a horrendous toll on the Weasley family. From being a jolly, close family to being completely isolated and silent. No one hardly spoke since they had came back, it had been three months. The silence was deadly. And it had corrupted the house completely.

George's eyes were red, swollen and puffy from violent sobs. He hadn't cried for about an hour yet he could form no thoughts, no words. Nothing. It had felt as though he had lost himself, in theory he did. He lay back on his bed, closing his stinging eyes, he wanted to stop replaying the images in his mind, seeing Fred's lifeless body on the floor covered in blood. The memories were printed into his mind like a tattoo, yet unlike a tattoo these memories remain printed and would print in his mind forever. He said to himself ‘it should of been me’, and this thought circulated his broken mind until his eyes became too heavy to keep open- falling into a deep sleep.

"George, wake up you lazy git. Come on it's summer, Weasleys Wizard Wheezes is absolutely chocker! The puking pastels are going down a treat though I’m not sure why, the summer holidays will be ruined”Fred exclaims going off on a tangent before a sleepy George awakens. His eyebrows knit together rubbing his head, a confused expression plastered on his face.

"Freddie?" George asks squinting his eyes.

"The one and only" Fred winks.

"Freddie I don't understand, your supposed to be dea-,"

"Well yes maybe, but I pissed off God so much so he sent me down here,” Fred smirks.

"Is this a dream?" George asks.

"Well of course this is a dream,"

George's face lightens, eyes beginning to tear up.

"It's you Freddie!" George throws his arms around him, he returns the same. Sobbing quietly into each other's shoulders.

"I'm, I'm so sorry. It should of been me Freddie"

"Oi stop that, what happened has happened. It's not your fault" Fred assures.

"If I didn't send you off to fight so quickly you would still be here"

"Please stop blaming yourself, stop holding this anger for yourself. Let it go. The past has happened, let go. It's ok" Fred softly spoken says to a broken George.

“Anyway I have some amazing things to tell you about the other side” Fred says, strolling over to his old bed and falling onto it. George looks enticed as he sits back onto his pillows, savouring every minute with his best friend before it slips out of his grip

“Right so remember the Marauders Map? The names on the front, Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs? I found out who they were and you won’t believe it ” Fred says raising his eyebrows in excitement.

“Who are they?” George asks inquisitively.

“James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. They were best friends at Hogwarts and apparently better known as the prankers of the school,” Fred says crossing his legs.

“WHAT?”

“I know, also that whole situation with Sirius Black it is a huuuuge misunderstanding, honestly once you get to the other side you find out everything,” Fred’s arms rest behind his head and he lays back down.

“So what happened after you, you know. I mean did it hurt?” George asks, looking down.

“Well, it hurt for a little while, I consumed all the pain from the attack then all the emotional pain from after you all found out. It was dreadful, but after a while it started to sink in. I saw you, by the way, holding my cold body. I know how much this is hurting you. I’m so sorry,” Fred says, holding back tears. Occasional voice cracks and choked back tears. Fred raised to see George, and went to sit on his bed.

"I miss you Freddie, I miss you so much. It hurts so much. I want it to stop. The pain. Everything. I just want to be with you," George cried.

"I miss you more than you can imagine. I sit watching you, I feel your pain, every heart ache, every wincing pain you feel. But please you need to think of yourself, and mum. I mean mum, she hasn’t been the same. Percy, Bill and Charlie all dodge her letters everytime she asks them to come down. I know inside they are hurting and they can’t bring themselves to come back, but it’s killing mum. Her and dads relationship is just going downhill. No spark. Nothing. No talk of muggles, no nothing. Ginny she feels like she’s lost both her brothers, she needs you Georgie, so does dad. He goes out every night and sobs for hours on end feeling like he’s lost everyone. Ron doesn’t speak to Harry or Hermione anymore. No owls, no sneaking out. Nothing. It’s heartbreaking,” Fred chokes out, tears running down his cheeks.

George goes to open his mouth, but closes it not knowing what to say feeling overwhelming guilt. He looked around, no life in the room. At this point his eyes were swollen once again and flooded with tears.

“That was awfully modest of you Freddie, a bit too mature for my liking” George laughs, Fred returning the same manner.

“Well what can I say, I’m all knowing and legendary now” Fred jokes smirking. George wipes a tear escaping his eye.

“At least no-one will get confused between us anymore and do the awkward thing when they realise they mess up,” Fred says.

“I’d rather go through life with people mistaking us than to be going through life without you,” Solemnly George said, looking Fred dead in the eyes.

"Come on Georgie your worse than Moaning Myrtle! Also that was painfully cliché it hurt my soul,” Fred says sarcastically. George sniffles.

“Look George, you need to stop dwelling on me. I know it hurts, it feels as though your heart is literally broken, as though knives pierce through your chest every damn second. But things will get better. And one day, maybe not now, but it won’t hurt as much. Your going to go on, find a beautiful wife or husband. Have some annoying kids, teach them about their legendary uncle Fred. How he wishes he could meet them, but he’s watching from above. Tell them about every prank we played. How we tormented Professor McGonagall-,”

"Fred I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that without you, everything will be so different. Christmas will be so different,” George cried, tears streaming down his heated cheeks.

"Yes it will, but I'll be there, you won't see me but I will be there. I will in sit next to you and watch you attempt mums sprouts even though you hate them, I'll watch you play board games and watch Ron go red and angry after he looses another game to Ginny. I’ll be there with you always,” Tears rolled more frequently down Fred’s face now, as he attempted to stop them with his jumper.

“You were supposed to be my best man, you were supposed to help me annoy Percy, you were supposed to- you were supposed to be here Fred!” George began to get frustrated.

“Oi oi now, it’s okay, I will always be your best man. Even if I’m not standing next to you at the alter physically,or God I don’t know when you buy your first couch. I will be with you spiritually. I mean I think that’s how this shit works,” The silly red head jokes.

“Please don’t ever leave me, I can’t do this without you. Your my best friend.”

"Hey, who says your going through this alone? I will be here for you always. That’s why I came back. One last time, just to ease your mind. Plus I couldn’t just leave you without a proper goodbye could I now?” Fred says winking before a sob breaks out between the two.

"So please, for me. Go and remind mum that your still here, tell dad he’s not alone. Go into Ginny and hug her, she really really needs you. Tell Ron that it’s okay to let others in. He doesn’t feel like he can talk to anyone. As for the others, tell them to come down. Mum needs to see them. She misses us so much,” George took in the word ‘us’ before breaking down again.

The twins embraced into a hug. Wanting to stay there forever.

“Oh and George?”

“Yes,”

“I love you, please don’t give up. Also never forget me or I will haunt your ass.

“Don’t be stupid Freddie, I love you so much. Never leave me.

They embrace into a hug yet this time so tight, they couldn't breathe. Reminiscing every moment together before their departing.

“George, I have to go now. You need to let me go,”Fred sobbed.

“I can’t Freddie, I can’t leave you,”

“You need to, my body is cold. You need you to move on,”

“Just five minutes more?” George questioned.

“Five minutes more,” Fred rested his head onto George’s shoulder, crying into it.

Five minutes had passed.

“Right time for me to get back. I love you so much” Fred let go of the warm embrace.

“Fred I’m scared,”

"I know you are, I am too. But I'll be waiting right here for you when your time comes. I will be right here to welcome you back, until we meet again brother." Fred says a tear escaping his eyes. Holding each other as if the earth was about to explode, George jolted awake.

"Freddie!" George exclaims shooting his hand out and sitting up abruptly. Scanning the empty room his breathing begins to slow down as he rests his hand upon his fast heartbeat. Fuck he mutters running his cold hands through his hair. He had felt a dampness on his shoulder. The whole experience felt so real. Maybe it was. Either way it had felt it.

Getting up from his bed, inhaling and exhaling, George opens the door for the first time in three weeks. He was so normal to smelling his mothers Scouse ready in a pot, hearing Ron muttering 'bloody hell' to himself after messing something up, his father rambling about Muggles obsessing over the purpose of a tennis ball. He was used to Fred coming upstairs with more supplies for their joke shop. Instead was an immediate cold draft and deadly silence. For a split second, the desire to crawl back into his bed, shutting out the outside world and crying into his pillow for the rest of his life, was such a convincing idea George’s hand rested upon the door nob. A faint familiar voice creeps into his head.

‘You need to let me go’ Fred’s voice had creeped into his mind. And with that, George had let go of the door nob and began to make his way downstairs. Walking downstairs taking in every little detail that he didn’t realise before. Not coming out of his room hardly for three months had really shocked him of how isolated from reality he could be strung into. He scanned the kitchen spotting Molly who was stood by the oven, her hands just resting upon the surface and her head is dropped and a few tears splash against the chopping board. Without warning George's large arms wrapped around Molly mid-waist. She had jumped slightly, startled by the sudden act of affection which broke George's heart even more.

“It’s okay, someday we will be with him,” Fred says settling his head onto Mollys shoulders, a choked cry coming from Molly.

The Weasley family, or what was left, had tried their best to act normal. George had helped Molly with the tea, not speaking much yet. But for the first time in three months, the ache in his heart began to feel less sore. That night, Molly, Arthur, Fred, Ron and Ginny all reunited for a pot of Scouse; chatted a little, laughed a little, cried a little. Most importantly things began to become more normal. Realising about how isolated the family had became, they had decided the best thing to do was to remind themselves that Fred would hate this divide.

After tea, Fred went upstairs to spend some time with his siblings. He had knocked to enter Ginnys room. She was sat writing in her journal already crying. He had asked what the matter was, asking what she had written in her journal. She passed her journal to him after two minutes.

“I just feel like, I’ve lost all my brothers. And it’s the worst feeling ever. I miss you all so much. I miss Ron telling me to go away, I miss George annoying me, I miss Charlie and Bill telling me about their crazy adventures. I miss Fred, I miss him so much. I just want my brothers back” Fred read, tears falling onto the page. Looking back up towards a fragile Ginny Fred replied.

“I know what you feel like, I miss them too especially Fred. It hurts so much. But you will never loose me and you haven’t lost Fred. This pain, is just temporary. Okay?” The red headed siblings engulf into a hug for the first proper time in three months. Following was another knock at the door, entering a sniffling Ron who ran over to them, dropped to his knees and embraced into the hug. Fred turned to him.

“You can’t shut people out forever. It’s time for us to move on. It’s time to let go. We will see him again. Someday we’re going to be with him,” Fred comforted, holding back his own painful tears. They had spent the whole night talking about him one last time for a while, reminiscing about the best memories before letting go. Ready to move on. Not forgetting Fred, no not at all. But more for their own sake, for Fred’s sake.

After leaving Ginnys room, George fell onto his bed. Crying a little more, he reminded himself of what he had said to the others. ‘It's okay I know someday I'm going to be with you,' He thought to himself before he fell into another deep sleep until morning.

I WROTE THIS ON WATTPAD ASWELL BUT IT BELONGS ON TUMBLR AND I MADE IT BETTER. also this was the most heartbreakign thing i’ve ever wrote my heart HURTS. please send feedback bc i would love to hear any suggestions or comments:)

[magneticmage]

I'm in the mood for it (plus it's Disability Pride month) so here are all my disabled ocs;

Under cut for Length

Additional Notes; Please do not judge me too harshly. While I have a few of these disabilities (most notably PTSD, anxiety-depression, and visual impairments) myself and personally know people who have some others, every person and their experiences are unique. I try my best to give these disabilities the space and gravity they deserve in my writing, but it is difficult for ones that I have no personal experience with. In addition, I am still learning and only human. If I have done something wrong or phrased something badly at any point now or in the future, let me know and I will do my best to fix it/do better. Apologies for the abrupt disclaimer but there we go.

Anyways!!!!

On the the List!

RWBY;

Selene Argent=Has PTSD, one prosthetic eye, and some physical scars on face and torso. I'd safely say she counts.

Baldur's Gate;

Sable Shades=Is an albino and was rendered mute at birth. He sunburns extremely easily and is near-sighted. He also often communicates through sign language.

Roan Roarke=Beyond some minor PTSD symptoms (increased anxiety and stress levels) surrounding fires, he's perfectly fine.

Faenerys Elendir=Has PTSD from her time imprisoned particular involving whips and brands as torture implements.

Rune Mistsea=Post-lycanthropy encounter, he is notably more short-tempered around the full moon along with a distinct craving for meat and violence. Otherwise, nothing else of note.

Lucine Mistsea=Beyond a notable paranoia issue when it comes to demons and cambions (but not fellow tieflings), she's fine.

Lyr(e/a/an) Lovemoor=Autistic. Too much light and noise and surrounding activity is draining and makes them short-tempered with occasional blowouts/meltdowns. Has a Thing about certain textures (very much hates slimes and oozes and squishy things for this reason, likes silks and furs and leathers). Has a fascination for all things shiny and glittery (gems and currencies are a special interest). Also often fidgets with their daggers.

Saga Musehart=Was rendered blind due to torture at the hands of prison guards. She also lost a hand (initially) and a forearm (later due to infection) and wears a prosthesis.

Cei Gloomdraft=Autistic or at least neurodivergent of some kind. Might have some ADHD, it's not quite clear yet in the few pieces I've written so far to help develop her.

Mass Effect;

(Solo Shepard Canon)

Annette Shepard=Has some lingering PTSD symptoms from surviving a raid on Mindoir, then thresher maws in Akuze, and then being spaced at the beginning in Mass Effect 2. She also suffers from some survivor's guilt Post-Virmire due to losing Ashley, and then all of Mass Effect 3 puts such a huge burden on her that she's fighting off some severe depression and despair from all the losses. She's got an old war injury in her shoulder that acts up from time to time, occasionally making her biotics misfire a barrier. She's on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent her body from rejecting her Cerberus-added cybernetic implants and upgrades, and also some antidepressants for depression and anxiety symptoms for said lingering PTSD symptoms. Girl's a walking disaster-fire mentally but she keeps on surviving and she still looks for the good in life as it comes, so there's that.

(Shepard Siblings)

Joanna=Like Roscoe and Riley, she's also on immuno-suppressants to prevent cybernetic implant rejection. Notably, she's the most well-adjusted of the three mentally, although the losses and struggles of ME 3 start to take their toll due to depression. She spends an awkward month on the Normandy adjusting to the new medication while adjusting the amounts needed. In addition, she also goes through a whole existential crisis come the Citadel DLC about if she is really Joanna Shepard or a clone (which Riley, Roscoe, and the Normandy crew snap her out of). Her survivor's guilt is much less pronounced than Riley's though she does start the early stages of a martyr complex (it's a source of frequent and well-humored debate between Riley and Roscoe if it was already there or not) about the of Thane's death. But she does her best and keeps on going.

Roscoe=Definitely mentally ill. He's got some trauma around abandonment that starts to get fully addressed around ME 2 in part due to Jack and Miranda and is mostly resolved around ME 3 though naturally scars remain. It often manifests as anger, depression, and even callousness. Like Joanna's and Riley, he is on immuno-suppressants to prevent the potential rejection of his cybernetics. He's also got an old wound from Torfan in his abdomen that acts up under stronger pressures like before a rainstorm or different gravity levels as well as drastic temperature changes such as cold (he HATES Noveria for that reason in particular though it isn't the only one, man). Beyond all that, he's very strong-willed and gives no fucks to shit.

Riley=Much like Annette except a bit more well-adjusted due to a larger support network and character drive. Has notable flashbacks/triggers around batarians, thresher maws (this one includes panic attacks once the direct danger has passed), and hardsuit complications (they always makes sure that their helmet and everything is in working and optimal order). Has survivor's guilt from their losses on Mindoir and Akuze but between meeting Talitha and Toombs in ME 1, they confront and deal with it, beginning to heal from it. Even on Virmire with the loss of Honora and all the failures of ME 3, they do better at handling it though it still remains to varying degrees. Like Joanna's and Roscoe (and Annette again), they're on immuno-suppressant drugs to prevent issues with their body rejecting the cybernetics, with the additional ones of antidepressants to help manage some of their anxiety-depression symptoms. They also have some degree of chronic pain (maybe some kind of cystic fibrosis?) due to past overuse of their biotics that damaged part of their nervous system and occasionally causes it to misfire for no reason, often causing intense pain. Rarely and only if the pain isn't treated with extensive biotics-free rest periods and numbing agents in the form of more pills, the biotics will manifest and they'll accidentally move shit around, including themself a few times. This is most notable in ME 3 due to the nature of the larger and longer combat sequences with shorter and shorter rest times between. Though they manage as best they can with the help of their crew and family, it is still a struggle and they notably stop joking about retiring when they're dead and seem to consider it more seriously around ME 3 but save the final decision for the end of the Reaper Wars.

(Shepard Family)

Honora Hartford=She had an eating disorder when she was younger that left some lingering issues with her health but overall she's fine up until her death.

Riley's deceased siblings were overall healthy though Payton had Down's Syndrome and Brooklyn had ADHD. Harley had moderate asthma and used an inhaler.

Clover has anemia quite often and takes iron pills daily

The rest of the Shepard cousins don't have any disabilities to much knowledge though I am still fleshing them out.

(Andromeda)

Sara and Scott Ryder have some lingering damage from their cryopod accident and the Kett leader fucking with them, but otherwise they are okay.

Asher has ADHD while Shiloh struggles with a mild form of chronic fatigue. Evander, Rebecca, and Lucas are all able-bodied.

Dragon Age;

(Fereldan Wardens)

Lynera Mahariel=Dunno if this counts, but am putting it here anyways since it affects her overall health. Occasionally suffers from a type of sleep paralysis that is mixed with night-terrors. It doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason as to when it occurs beyond perhaps stress and it's only every few months. However, it often leaves her completely drained for at least a week afterwards. She also occasionally has insomnia post-terrors as well which she self-medicates with sleeping draughts. She also has crippling period pains that appear to be consistent with ovarian cysts on her left side (though she later has it removed by Catriona once it ruptures due to injury). She also suffers from bouts of depression during Origins but that could be due to the extenuating circumstances she was under at the time.

Isemaya Tabris=When overly stressed, being exposed to strong amounts of concentrated Taint in a short period of time, or sometimes simply for no apparent reason, she suffers from intense migraines that are often treated with herbal painkillers and lying still in a dark and quiet room. Also due to a past injury to her left eye by humans, she has a harder time seeing on that side but is not completely blind.

Catriona Surana=She seems to be autistic due to her ability and predilection to hyperfocus on various studies (often Blight and magic-related but other areas do occur) as well as her obliviousness to social cues (she didn't realize she was liked by her suitors until Cale outright told her and by then she had decided she liked them already). Notably, she adapts a bit better Post-Origins due to Alistair and Leliana's influences but it still happens.

Cale Amell=Had some minor amnesia surrounding the exact events leading to his magic manifestation but later learned it was because he had set his eldest brother Azul on fire and believed he killed him as Raven helpfully supplied (Azul had instead faked his death as Cale discovers around the time of Awakening).

Fion Cousland=Briefly suffers from a minor alcohol addiction but has treatment while he is still in the functional phase courtesy of Catriona. Since then, he heavily monitors his intake and even helps Oghren get treatment for his own. He also occasionally has painful muscle twinges due to an injury that stretches from his temple to his eye and ear down to his neck on the right side. This is most notable in bad weather or when he is sick.

Barran Aeducan=Suffered from a superiority-inferiority complex towards his siblings growing up though it has greatly lessened with time and experience. It is mostly gone by the time of Inquisition though prominent traces still remain.

Tatha Brosca=She is hard of hearing and has manged to cope by learning to lip-read (not always successful, however, especially with languages she is not familiar with) in Origins and a pair of hearing "horns" designed for her by an admiring Smith caste man by Awakening. She often jokes that now she has even more in common with her Bronto companion, Salroka, due to their shared horns.

(Origins)

Vireth Mahariel=Suffers from epilepsy and often treats it with various herbal remedies, though it is not completely effective and large amounts of intense stress on his body make it worse. He also begins to develop cataracts around the time of Act 2 of Dragon Age 2, though the cause is unknown (presumed genetics or simply age at the moment).

Elthorn Tabris=Has a stutter speech impediment.

Alaros Surana=Unknown at the moment as I haven't written too much about him.

The Amell Siblings=Probably doesn't count but Azul gets motion sickness, especially on boats. Raven, Carmine, and Reed are all perfectly healthy and fine, however the latter two are the ones I've written least at the moment. Marigold has asthma that she treats with herbs.

Aelynne Cousland=Nothing comes to mind. She does have some old injuries (mentally and physically) she acquired from the attack on Highever by Arl Howe that color her later interactions with the family during the Fereldan Civil War.

Valda Aeducan=Has a notable visual impairment that is corrected with glasses, albeit there is nothing to be done for her slight colorblindness (she has a hard type distinguishing between greys, greens, and blues).

(Orlesian Wardens)

Dion Caron=Suffers from sleep apnea that is eased by a special breathing herbal-incense infused mask he wears as well as whomever in his group is on watch to check on him periodically to ensure he still breathes (most often this is either Victoire-Ainsley or Garam). He also snores and coughs due to this. Loudly.

Victoire-Ainsley Caron=Nothing of note.

Isenna Andras=She's an albino and so burns and rashes in intense light and heat. She also has a lame leg that cannot be fixed with magic and so wears a reinforced brace to aid her walk. This creates a noticeable limp.

Garam Kader=Alcohol makes him sick and he suffered from intense gender dysphoria before paying a huge sum to have an ex-Tevinter magister turned fellow Warden help him transition.

(Hawkes)

Jasper, Skye, and Violet Hawke are perfectly healthy. Albeit with some diet restrictions due to various allergies.

Gray Hawke=He is diabetic and so often has to monitor his energy levels to ensure his health. It's part of the reason he doesn't actively endanger his life like his siblings (not that he won't, just less often in comparison). He acquires a truly impressive diet regime and treatment plan upon becoming a nobleman of the Amell family, allowing him much more freedom than before.

(Marquises)

Aurore and Marcel de Serault both suffer from mild hemophilia. Marcel also has a lyrium drug addiction he is trying to break (and is actually doing quite well via weaning himself off it) due to a brief stint as a Templar while serving the Chantry.

(Inquisitors)

Armashok Adaar=Poor eyesight that cannot be fully corrected by glasses and later loses an arm due to the Anchor. He also lost a few fingers and some right hand mobility due to pre-nquisition injuries as a mercenary. He also wears a brace on his left shoulder. He wears a prosthetic eye and replacement arm.

Ransley Trevelyan=Like Cullen, he is working on breaking his own lyrium addiction from his time as a Templar and, like the other Inquisitors, loses his arm due to the Anchor. He had it replaced with a prosthetic arm for his shield side.

Paeriel Lavellan=She loses an arm alongside all the other Inquisitors, but takes the loss much harsher due to her archery skills suffering. While she will wear a prosthesis in battle or when hunting, she doesn't wear it in her day-to-day life, instead preferring to make due as needed. She also has anxiety.

Naranka Cadash=She loses her Anchor-wielding arm and gains a crossbow-and-dagger prosthetic one courtesy of her Inner Circle, much to her delight. She also suffers from some damage to her reproductive tract due to past injuries and is uncertain if she could have children.

(Inner Circle)

Kara Adaar=Beyond an intense hatred of slavery due to being kidnapped and almost sold when she was younger before being rescued by her father, she's perfectly healthy. She does require bedrest for her periods though.

Emilyse Trevelyan=She suffers from some PTSD from her abuse at Templar hands in the Circle, though she begins to recover towards the end of Inquisition.

Samrel Lavellan=Has dyslexia and uses reading aids and memory devices.

Pyrmar Cadash=He might have some PTSD from his Carta days due to a notable cave-in that lasted for a few days before his rescue.

[peachyzens]

car washer! junhui au

car washer! junhui au

genre: fluffffff summary: the thought of working in the blazing sun all the day made you dread coming to work, but not if there was someone there to make everything better (2,363 words) a/n: i know i originally planned for jun to be a barista…but the thought of this was too good to pass but anyways idk if there’s a technical term for this job so !!! series masterlist can be found here!

alright so junhui

when he moved to seoul from china he needed a job that required little to no conversation with people since he was still learning the language

so he ended up finding a job as a car washer!!!

it was more labor intensive than what he preferred but it was something he could do

not to mention it was a great arm workout

so anyways, junhui would be THAT person out in the sun, wearing sleeveless white tanks, have his hair messily slicked back, while rocking a pair of aviators

we all know what happens to white clothes when it gets wet! it becomes see through

so needless to say, junhui brought in a lot of business LMAo

people would be driving down the street and then when they see him holding and waving around a sign for a car wash with a little smirk on his face, they are intrigued

like why is this model guy out here??? washing cars and not walking down a runway???

good question

junhui would ALSO be that guy that when he reaches over the windshield, he flexes

he knows the people inside are watching and probably drooling

so he just has that knowing smirk on his face

people would give him quite the generous tips, in which he responds with genuine smiles

who would’ve known that a job as a car washer could pay so well! only if you’re junhui

so anyways

you too were looking for a part time job

and after countless applications to restaurants, stores, basically anywhere

the only place that called back was for a car washing job!!!

you were honestly very tempted to turn it down, considering you applied not even thinking they would get to you

but luck works out in mysterious ways!!!

so you say screw it and go for it

and you got it!!!!! much to your despair!!!!!!

let’s just say you are not much of an outdoorsy person, you prefer to be in a nice air conditioned room rather than outside in the smoldering heat

but a job is a job, and you needed money

plus this was one of few jobs that would take tips so!!! extra $$$

so on your first day, dread filling your system, you walk up to the little kiosk that is your new workplace

where you are greeted by none other than the man!!! wen junhui!!!

and you were kinda starstruck for a moment because w o w he is a beautiful man

but then he kinda just gave you a small smirk and nod before he was off

snapping back to reality

you go in and greet your boss, who was expecting you

“y/n you’re here!!! oh, did you see junhui on his way out?? that’s going to be your new coworker!” he spoke enthusiastically to you

so now you had a name to the cute face

but then you realized he said coworker and you almost flipped

that means…you would be seeing that model man for the entirety of your career there

maybe it wasn’t that bad of a job after all heheh

so yeah your boss talks you through the basics

often referring to junhui as he was in the middle of washing a car right now

basically you were going to be his assistant lmao

so without further ado, you start working!

you and junhui developed a system where you would soak the lower parts of the car that you could reach, while junhui would take on the higher parts to flex

and by the time you were done with your first car, you were ready to take a break

but of course!!! another car pulls in

and you just have a done look on your face and you hear junhui chuckle a bit at you before nodding his head towards the car, a sign of him telling you to join him

so you do

and this is how the rest of your first day goes

you and junhui actually didn’t share any words at all, you thought he couldn’t talk until you heard him thank the customers that would come out to give him a tip

but you heard the little bit of an accent in his voice so you pieced all the puzzle pieces together

he was a foreigner unfamiliar with the language, not an unsocial butterfly!!

so the next day, you gathered up your courage to finally introduce yourself to him!!

“i’m y/n, by the way”

“i know”

“oh ok”

and that was IT

literally you cringing internally at that conversation

but you convinced yourself he would eventually open up to you!!!

so after that, you guys only did share the smallest talk

“hi how are you”

“good how are you”

“good”

the more you went to your job the more you didn’t mind it, you just wished you and junhui would talk more so you aren’t bored out of your mind

when it would be really slow, you both would go out to the sidewalk with your signs and just wave them around, gathering more attention

and even though junhui was smiling and putting on a show for the crowd, it was dead silent between you two

basically you thought junhui hated you and you were ready to quit

but one day, one day finally

junhui ACTUALLY started a conversation with you!!!

and you kind of just stared at him with a look as if he just saved the earth from global warming

and he just blankly stared at you back

“what brought you here?” he asked

and after an short and awkward staring contest, you finally snapped out of it to respond

“i needed a job”

“me too”

and it was silent again

but nope, you gathered your courage to continue a conversation he actually started because who knows when this would happen again!!!

“what brought you to this job?” you asked him

he kind of just stared at you with a blank look as he was processing your words

“i needed a job with no talking”

you nodded in understanding

“where are you from?” you asked, shocked at how you guys were ACTUALLy having a conversation after weeks of working together

“china” he responded, and you nodded in understanding

that ended up being the last of your conversation but its ok!!! that’s enough progress for a day

so the next day, junhui greets you with a smile that is bigger than his small little smirks he used to always give

and this time, he’s initiating the conversation with you!!

he’s asking you more questions about yourself, like about your family, your preferences

and you guys are actually having a good time talking to each other!!!

you noticed how much he improved in speaking his newly learned language confidently, and you told him that

to which he actually responded with a sheepish smile

“i’m sorry i didn’t talk much at first, i was nervous”

“it’s alright!! i understand, it’s hard learning a new language, but you can always ask me for help!!” and he thought about your offer with a smile!

and he really did take you up on that offer, because the next day at work he would ask you some questions he had about the korean language, and you would gladly answer

you even taught him more vocab!!

this would happen basically every day at work, junhui’s korean abilities grew while your friendship with him grew!

it grew to the point where you guys would even hangout on your days off!!!

junhui once mentioned how the only places he goes to are work and his apartment, which made you a lil sad

so you promised to take him out to some of your favorite spots!!!

even though you were inwardly panicking at yourself for suggesting what might seem like a date, junhui wholeheartedly agreed!

and that is how you guys found yourselves at one of your favorite barbecue places on your days off

you honestly thought it would be awkward, but it was not!!!

junhui has gotten way more confident in conversing with you

“by the way, i never got to thank you for helping me and my korean, also for encouraging me! so thank you” he said one day over a meal

you were honestly melting and your cheeks were probably blushing, but junhui was too focused on his food to notice

“no problem, i’m glad i could be a help!!!”

you two practically became best friends, mainly since you guys saw each other basically every day

now you looked forward to going to work, since you now had a good friend that made time go by way faster!

junhui would teasingly splash water on you, causing you to splash some back

and it ends up in a water fight that ends when your boss comes out to see the both of you drenched

and of course, junhui is in his white tshirt and you try to ignore the outline of his abs but you can’t help but take a few peeks

“are you checking me out?” he would call you out with a smirk

“w-what no!!!! i thought there was something on your shirt” you stuttered as you suddenly found an interest in the rocks in the pavement

“it’s alright, since it’s you i’ll let it slide” he spoke smoothly

and you were just cursing inside your head like when did he become so smooth!!! is this what you taught him????

“um yeah oKay then let’s get to washing cars a ha!!!” you said as awkward as possible as you just ran to the new car to avoid his knowing stare

junhui just chuckled at you

he has noticed you taking some sneak peeks of when his white shirt would get soaked

but he wasn’t in the position to say anything when he admired how you would run your fingers through your hair at times

aNyWaYs

you both harbored a tiny lil crush on each other but you both were too afraid to damage your friendship that neither of you acted on it!!!

until oNe day

when an old friend of yours came into town

you were just so excited to see him that you cancelled all your plans with junhui on your guys day off

“what am i going to do without you i’m going to be so bored and locked up in my house :(“ he would whine to you when you told him

you would just roll your eyes back at him

“jun i think you can speak enough korean to go out and about no problem”

“you don’t know that!!!”

“i DO know that since i taught you something like everyday for the past months”

“well still, i’m going to sit at home and wait until you come back :<“ he pouted

and your heart just melted

not only at his adorable little face but because of his WORDS

you have noticed that junhui would speak to you in flirty ways sometime but you would just brush it off, thinking it’s just his personality

meanwhile junhui..is questioning your density

he is wondering why you haven’t questioned him about anything when he has been so blatantly trying to make a move for the past weeks now

it did take him a lot of thinking of whether or not he should go for you or not, but he is determined that y’all are soulmates so he wasn’t backing down now!!!!

and when he was finally fed up with it, he kinda just confessed to you in a casual way

it all started on a day when you both were washing a car

and today you were more noticeably in a good mood

“why are you so perky today it’s so weird” he asked you from the other side of the car

“shutup and let me live, i know you love me” you retorted sarcastically

and this was where normally junhui would be like “gross no stay away from me” as apart of your guys friendship,,, but he just

“yeah i really do” he just stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world it was

and you were so ready to retort something sassy back when you were just like “wait what”

he just stands up from his side of the car and looks at you straight in the eye

“i don’t know if you noticed but i really do like you, i’ve been purposely flirting with you for the past month to get you to notice but you never did so i give up and i’m just saying it now”

CUE YOUR SILLY BLUSHY SELF

noticing your reddening cheeks, he just smiled that happy smile that always came out when you were around

you couldn’t believe what you just heard so you just began cleaning the lower part of the car to avoid his adoring eyes and smile that made you melt

“s hutup and get back to work” you would say through the midst of your burning cheeks and beating heart

you were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn’t even realize junhui made his way over to your side

“so is that a yes?”

you yelped and fell on your butt, not expecting him to be there and put his face SO CLOSE TO YOURS

“oh my god i hate you!!!! and yes to what??” you smacked him as he bursted out laughing at your clumsy self, before rolling his eyes at you playing dumb

“to my confession, what else did i ask you in the past five minutes?” he stated nonchalantly, helping you clean your side of the car

and just when you thought you calmed down your heart and cheeks, it started to race again

“yeah i guess” you stated, trying to be nonchalant like him

junhui just looked over to you with an amused smirk and raised eyebrow

but when he saw your burning cheeks, he knew that you felt the same way

so with a quick kiss to your cheek, junhui ran off back to the other side

and you both were smiling like the little lovestruck dorks you were ❤️

[mysticmikalla]

If it's not too much of a problem, could I request a small fic for Saeran? For example him leaving the Mc without saying anything because he still feels insecure about himself and coming back a few years later to make things up only to find out he has a child? I'm sorry for this roller coaster I just want some angst...

You want angst? You got angst!

Ps, this “small” fic ended up getting quite long bc I got a bit carried away lolol

Pss, shoutout to my girl dahlia for helping me overcome my writer’s block and giving me tons of inspo♥️

Psss; this is the first piece i publish that im nervous about so pls bare with me as i edit and rewrite this over and over lol

***

The mind of Saeran Choi was a hectic place.

Thousand of paradoxical thoughts and fears circled in his head, clashing and colliding into each other, taking form of his worst nightmares or most desired daydreams. It was a never-ending battle for dominance over the boy’s emotions between hope and despair. He’d take several pills for his intense headaches just so he could rest, and he took them much so that it became routine.

His world had always been dark and fuzzy, people taking form of shapes and noises instead of individuals, making it hard to care for someone, or allow them to care for him. He had shut himself in a world of darkness, despair always winning.

Ah, but then there was you. You were an amber in his ashen world, the moon peaking through clouds on a dense night. You came into his life so unexpectedly, and, in the shortest amount of time, because his most precious. You were his one and only treasure in life, the one who could make him feel normal. Who could make him feel human, rather than two opposite sides fighting for dominance.

You alone were able to silence most of the noise in his head. Most.

Despite popular belief and what you read in romance novels and fairy tales, love couldn’t cure all. It couldn’t magically make all of his life-long scars disappear, no matter how much he wished it.

Which is why he left, why he felt like he needed to leave with nothing but a light kiss on your forehead as you slept a note where he scribbled a quick ‘I’m sorry’.

With only a small bag of his belonging and a heart full of hurt, Saeran Choi disappeared from your life.

Your breath was knocked out of your body as the realization that he left, that he left you all alone and wouldn’t come back. Your body shook with broken sobs, your mind raced and hurt with unanswered questions, and your heart broke with what you thought was unrequited love

A tear-stained face became your norm for weeks, the cold space in bed beside you and the loneliness the absence of the love of your life becoming too much for you to bear.

After a few weeks, you started feeling sick in the morning and your cycle was unusually late, the ground of your stability started shaking, and when the little plus sign on the pregnancy test confirmed your fears, it sunk all together.

You couldn’t do this, you couldn’t do this alone. You could barely manage to pull yourself together after Saeran left, how were you supposed to take care of a child?

You begged his twin brother to locate him and bring him home, to at least find out if he was okay. You were a mess, thoughts running wild with worst case scenarios of Saeran being hurt, of you never being able to find him again.

Saeyoung was reluctant  at first, knowing that his brother must have had a good reason for leaving you, the one he loved the most, behind.

But after you told him about the baby, the red-headed hacker felt like he had no choice but to tell his brother about him. He could see the deep circles underneath your eyes and how your skin was paler than usual, and he felt as if owed it to you , in behalf of his brother, to help.

It was an old feud, hacker versus hacker, in which Saeran always won. He hid his traces and whereabouts so well, it was as if he never existed. In your insomniac nights filled with delirium, you wondered if he ever did exist in the first place.

Weeks became months, and months became years without him by your side. You desperately tried to recall what his voice sounded like, what his touch felt like against your skin. The galloping of your heart whenever you kissed him was now nothing but a distant memory, a foreign feeling. The only reason you still remembered his face was because of his twin brother who was there to keep you grounded.

Thoughts of him, which before occupied your mind every second of the day, became more scarce as the years went by, until they were a rarity. Your daily life went on, and you couldn’t waste time wondering about your former lover, not when taking care of your child came first.

With Saeyoung and the rest of the RFA supporting you, for the first time in a while you felt as if you weren’t alone.

***

Saeran’s heart pounded against his chest, so aggressively he though he’d might pass out before he reached for the doorknob of your previously shared home. How long had it been? He couldn’t recall at the moment. If felt like only seconds since he had last been here, but the agonizing longing in his chest made it seem like a millennia all at once.

He debated on whether to just open the door and walk right in like nothing had happened, or to ring the door bell and wait outside like a stranger would.

He settled for the latter, hearing the all too familiar bell echo throughout the house. When he heard footsteps coming closer, he felt as if he would collapse. He had dreamed about this moment for the past three years, and now that it finally arrived, he wondered whether or not he could handle to mixture of excitement and nervousness in his chest.

“Coming!” Nothing had ever sounded so melodic as that one word he heard your voice say through the closed door. The longing on his chest was suddenly so unbearable, he had to hold on to the door frame for support.

The door swung open, and his heart stopped.

There you stood. You were already in your pajamas, getting ready for the night. He noted your hair was different, and you looked thinner than you had before. He wanted to embrace you as soon as he saw you before him, but he restrained himself.

How would you react, he worried.

With widened eyes, you took the sight of Saeran in. You could almost mistake him for his brothe now, as his hair, which previously had been bleached white, was now bright red. It was also the first time you saw him without his blue contacts, his amber eyes bright and burning.

“Sa-Saeran?” You sputtered in disbelief. It was you who needed support now, feeling your body grow weak.

“MC,” He breathed, your name rolling off his tongue as if he had been waiting all this time to finally utter it, “I-I’m back.”

Your mind raced to find the right words, to decipher what you were feeling right now at this shocking sight before you, but all you could do was gap at him. The person you loved, dreamed about and ached for all these years stood right in front of you. The man who broke your heart and left you all alone with no explanation was back, and you didn’t know what to feel about it. Rather, you couldn’t just pick one emotion, seeing that you were feeling them all at once.

He couldn’t find the right words, either. He didn’t know how to express how much he missed you, how sorry he was for leaving you alone, how beautiful you looked and how many times he had dreamed of this.

“MC, I think we ran out of diapers, I think I will-” Saeyoung’s voice was cut off at the sight of his brother standing in the doorway. The three of you were frozen in place.

As he took in the sight of the red-headed baby girl in Saeyoung’s arm, Saeran’s jaw dropped and his head spun. He glanced at you, then back at his twin with the girl, and then back at you, incredulous.

Out of all the scenarios he had played out in his head, this was definitely not one of them.

“MC…Is this���” He opened and closed his mouth over and over, unsure of what to say, “You and him…?!”

“Saeran, it’s not-” Saeyoung began, but the boy already fumed, fists clenching beside him.

“You don’t have the right to be angry right now, Saeran.” You finally spoke. They were tranquil and soft, but Saeran felt an intimidating resemblance with a calm before the storm.

He ran a hand messily through his hair, letting out an exasperated sigh, telling himself to calm down. But the hurt in his chest wouldn’t allow it. He was already more agitated than he would have like to be on the first time you two met again.

You and Saeyoung? Together? Thoughts of you and him tortured his mind, being close, being intimate, falling in love…

He wanted nothing more than to stick a needle in his ear and poke them all out with his brain. It hadn’t been that long since he left, and all that time you were the only thing in his mind. How could you have moved on so fast? With his twin, of all people?

“Hey, Saeyoung, can you give us a second?” You pleaded to the red-haired man behind you gently. You could tell Saeran was angry and unsettled at his presence.

“Are you sure?” He asked, eyeing you, your daughter and then his twin nervously. What Saeran couldn’t wrap his mind around was why his own brother was trying to protect you, the love of his life, his MC, instead of him. He should be the one protecting you, not him, never him.

He would never hurt you; not before, and especially not now. Not now that he’s come so far and worked so hard to get better. For you. It was all for you.

“I’m sure.” You smiled up at his eyes behind glasses, touching his arm lightly and reassuringly. The small action made Saeran want to throw up. How did it get like this?

Saeyoung left with the baby, and you and Saeran were alone again. You motioned for him to come it, still dazed by his sudden presence. You still didn’t know what to say, no combination of letters and words sufficing to express how you felt.

“MC…” He began, trying to remember what he had rehearsed in his head a thousand times over. He wanted to explain everything, to let you know how sorry he was for leaving and that he missed you. But deep down he knew there was no way to make up for it.

You shook your head, “Why did you come back?”

He knew you were angry. Your furrowed brows, arms crossed and your lips tugging downwards was more than enough to tell him so, but the words still felt like salt in his already wounded heart. He expected you to be at least a bit happy in seeing him after so long, but you only seemed troubled and hurt. Despite the situation and his worried expression, his heart was almost bursting with happiness at seeing you again. It was the happiest moment of the last three years for him, and he was hoping you’d feel the same, at least a little.

“MC, please let me explain-”

“Explain how you left me?”

“I swear I didn’t mean-”

“How you disappeared for three years without a word? How you left me here all alone, with just a fucking note?!” You raised your voice, heat flushing your cheeks as your anger took over. All those sleepless nights came rushing back, your broken sobs echoing in the back of your mind.

“I had to, MC…” He stood across from you, desperately wanting to close the gap between you and have you in his arms again, “I had to leave. For your sake.”

“I don’t understand,” You shuffled backwards, “I don’t understand! How could that have possibly been for my sake?!”

You were angry. You were furious.

Out of all the times you dreamed of meeting him again and confronting him, never did you imagine he would say he did it for you. You almost rolled your eyes, how cliché.

“That’s why I’m trying to explain it to you!” He was getting frustrated at your own frustration, his voice rising up to match yours, “MC, I wasn’t…I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t half the man I knew I could be. You deserved someone who could have given you everything, and I-”

“But you did give me everything! I was happy with you!” You exclaimed, “I loved you, Saeran, why couldn’t you just see that?!”

“But you deserved-”

“It’s up to me to know what I do and don’t deserve,” You objected, “And I know that what I didn’t deserve was being left alone like that. Nobody deserved that.”

“I know, MC…I fucked up. I know now that what I did was wrong,” He steadied himself, lowering his voice again and regaining the composure he tried so hard to achieve, “That’s just proof of how immature and unworthy I was… It’s why I had to leave, I couldn’t drag you down with me. Everyone was right, I couldn’t make you stay by my side and take care of me. It’s not what you wanted, and I was holding you back-”

“But that’s what I meant when I said I loved you! It meant that I’d stay by you through anything and everything. It meant that I would never leave. But you left, and I thought-” You choked on the words, built up pain from these last few years resurfacing, “I thought that when you left, it meant you didn’t love me enough. Not even enough to say goodbye.”

That old, familiar aching in your chest sparked up again, and soon your tears salted your tongue.

“That’s what you thought?” His eyes softened, his chest squeezing at the sight of you so sad

“What else was I supposed to think?”

“MC, I never stopped loving you.” He took a step towards you, attempting to grab the hands he missed so much, but being met with rejection as you backed away.

“You’re lying. If you loved me, walking away shouldn’t have been so easy-”

“Leaving you that day was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Please believe me, MC!” He cried, his eyes desperately searching for yours.

You bit your lip to keep from sobbing, the ache in your chest upsurging with each word he spoke to you.

“You won’t believe me, right?” His body deflated, “I can’t make you understand, not after everything I put you through…But just please answer me this…How long did it take…For you and Saeyoung to get together after I left?”

You furrowed your brows in confusion, “Huh?”

“How long it it take for you to to move o-on?” His voice broke, and now his own tears stained his cheeks.

“Saeran, I don’t-”

“That girl looks to be around three. How many months did you wait before you replaced me with him?” You expected his tone to be angry when he asked you these things, but they were sad, hurt and empty. Broken. Saeran looked tired and defeated, and for the first time since you saw him again, your facade started to break.

God, it still hurt. The whole in your chest was still there. You were a fool for ever believing anything could ever fill it.

“Sae, please listen to me,” You muttered softly, taking a few steps in his direction, his gazed fixed on the ground in refusal to meet yours, “It took exactly nine months for her to be born after you left. She isn’t Saeyoung’s.”

When he finally met your eyes, they were filled with confusion and…hope?

“W-what?”

You let out a small laugh in between your tears, “She’s yours, Saeran. She’s ours.”

His brain buffered, not quite comprehending the words you had just spoken. He stuttered, trying to formulate words but none would come to mind. He…had a daughter.. With you. The gorgeous red-haired girl he had seen previously is half his, and half the woman he loves. No matter how hard he tried, his brain couldn’t process it.

A child? A daughter? He had a daughter…?

You stepped a bit closer to him, lightly caressing his arms. Your touch brought him back from his momentary daze, and he wished you’d never let go. He could never find the right words to tell you how much he missed your skin on his, “There has never been anybody else, Sae. Just you. It was always you.”

While your words meant Heaven and Earth to one brother, the other listened quietly behind closed doors, his heart stuck on his throat. He was happy, truly, that his twin had come back. He knew how much he meant to you, how you missed him everyday during his absence, even when you refused to admit so.

He knew that empty, far away look in your eye would finally disappear now that he was back, but Saeyoung was hurting with each syllable you uttered.

Despite the girl who slept in his arms not being his, and the woman far from his reach never truly seeing him, he felt happy. He found a family through you, helping you raise your baby and being there when his own brother failed to do so. He was helpless as he felt you two slipping away from him and into the arms of his brother. He felt sad and nostalgic at the thought of not being the one you relied on anymore. He even felt a little bit enraged at how easily Saeran had waltzed in your life again.

Saeyoung knew he shouldn’t be having these thoughts. They were wrong, selfish. The two most important people to him were finally happy, so why wasn’t he?

“MC…I’m sorry, I had no idea…!” Saeran finally spoke, the thought of you, all alone while pregnant with his child haunting his mind. Did you cry often? How many times had you cursed him, wishing none of this had ever happened, probably wishing you had never met him?

How could you possibly still love him after that?

“If I had known you were carrying a child, my child…I would have never…Oh God…” His knees grew weak, and he had to slump back on a chair to keep from sinking to the ground. His heart started racing and hands were shaking. He took a shallow breath at a time, his face buried in his hands.

Not again, he thought, not now.

He couldn’t lose control in front of you now. He wanted to show the person in front of him that he had changed, that we was becoming a better man for you. That all of this had been for something. But right now he felt as if he were back to square one, the fucked up little boy who couldn’t even control his emotions.

You rushed to his side, patting his back gently, comfortingly, “Shh, hey. Sae, look at me, please.”

He shook his head, refusing to meet your eyes, “I understand now. I understand why you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” You cooed, moving your hands up from his back to his hair, stroking it in the way you used to whenever he was upset all those years ago. You had tried convincing yourself that you did, you hated him. You insisted on the thought that he no longer had a place in your heart and you would be fine without him. While these thoughts were comforting to you back then, they were false. “I could never hate you, Sae. And you couldn’t have known.”

“But you were alone. I was so selfish, I’m sorry. You must have been so angry-”

“I was angry, yes,” You sighed, “I was pissed, and I was hurt. You weren’t here when I needed you to be, and it hurt because I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

“MC-”

“But you’re here now,” You went on. The anger that previously clouded your judgement dissipating as soon as you felt his touch again. There still obvious lingering feelings of hurt within you, and they wouldn’t disappear so soon. But they didn’t seem important now.

The man weeping in your arms, the father of your child being back in your life was most important at that moment. Him and Saeyoung being right there with you, as your family, was what you craved the most, and you couldn’t let go of that because of past hurts. There would still be plenty of time to fix what was once broken, to heal what was wounded, but right now you two needed each other. You needed him so desperately it was almost physical, as if your bodies and souls were calling out to each other.

“C-can I see her?” He asked, wiping away at his tears and finally glancing at you.

You smiled reassuringly at him, trying to contain your own tears, “Of course. She’s yours, too.”

Yours. He would never get used to hearing that word.

The redhead finally took the courage to pull you close and wrap you in his arms, the familiarity of the smell of your hair, of the way you clung to his shirt as you hugged him was so overwhelming that a string of tears dropped on your shoulder.

Finally.

“MC…” He breathed through his sobs, “Thank you. I love you, I never stopped. I know I can’t ever make it up to you, but I want to spend the rest of my life trying. So please, if you’ll have me, I’d like to come home. Please,” He cried harder and hugged you tighter, “I want to come home.”

It was hard to talk when your heart was at your throat and your chest bared to him, but you managed to choke out a whisper anyway, “Welcome home, Saeran.”

[fandomoniumflurry]

You Named the Dog Dean?

Jo Harvelle, Dean the Dog, Dean Winchester, Bobby, Sam

for @sdavid09 daily writing challenge

Prompt 18: your character decides they need a pet. How does that go?

1.6k words no warnings

taggers: @becs-bunker @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @lukecastellamz

People handle grief in a lot of different ways. Whether be healthy or toxic, everyone has a unique way of coping. There is no sure fire way to cure a broken heart and sometimes not even time heals all wounds. But life goes on and the world keeps turning and all that shit that everyone says when someone has suffered a great loss. Even with support and love and care, some wounds never heal. We will forever wear the scars of our past pains.

Jo had no warning when Dean died. For a whole year, he had known he was going to Hell and he never told her. The last time they had seen each other might not have been the most amicable of partings but she thought they were at least friends. She thought she was worth a phone call. Instead, she had to hear it from Bobby. The day Sam had shown up at his door telling him that Dean was gone. Not even Sam had called her. It was the last thing she had ever expected to hear.

Sure their life was hard and at any moment their life could be taken from them. But hearing that Dean had willingly given up his life for his brother. He knew that he had one year before his soul would be dragged to Hell. The fact that he knew and never said anything, never even bothered to give her a heads up. No, she had to get a random phone call in the middle of the afternoon while she was in the middle of a shift at the bar. She had to hear it from Bobby’s lips that Dean Winchester was gone, done in by Hellhounds and now he was rotting away in hell for all eternity. That is sure to knock the breath right out of ya.

At first, she was in shock, standing behind the bar with her cell to her ear and her hand over her mouth. The more the old man spoke, the more it settled in, the more she realized that he was gone. Not just gone but in Hell. The tears started slow at first, just moisture in her eyes. The moment she hung up the phone, she blinked them away before she slid her phone into her pocket. She called out to the other bartender, waving them over to let them know she needed some fresh air. As soon as she breathed in the cold breeze, she cracked. Sobs wracked her body as she fell to her knees in the back alley of the bar. She had not known him long but he had become important to her and now he was gone.

As time passed, she found it hard to get him off her mind. For so long, he had inhabited her daydreams and fantasies but now he was star of her nightmares and despair. She was no longer the spunky feisty bartender that she once was, her patrons noticing the difference in her demeanor at work. She had trouble sleeping and she had to force herself to eat. She hadn’t realized how much she cared about him til he was no longer in this world. Thinking about all the lost time with him only made it worse.

Her friend suggested dating, getting out there and meeting new people. If not dating, just get out and make some friends. But she was always the freak with a knife collection. There was no one out there that would want to be friends with her. Who would possibly date her? And she didn’t want a hunter. At least not one that wasn’t Dean. So she denied going out to the club, refused blind dates, any form of socializing that her coworkers suggested.

But there was one suggestion that actually sparked Jo’s interest. Get a pet, they had said. Someone to come home to and snuggle up to after a bad day, someone to talk to that wouldn’t talk back. Someone that would love her and be with her no matter what. Someone to give her kisses and cuddles and unconditional love without asking for anything in return. At first, the thought didn’t seem appealing. Cleaning up after a creature, buying food and grooming. It all seemed like too much work to a part time barmaid, part time hunter. But coming home to a dark empty apartment every day began to weigh on her.

So she caved. She had no idea what kind of pet she would get. She had never had a pet in her life. Things had always been too crazy to have one. Cats didn’t require much work but they were too finicky and independent. With fish, she would have to clean tanks and she wouldn’t get to pet them at all and talking to glass didn’t seem appealing. Rodents smelled, birds were noisy, lizards and snakes were downright creepy. There was no other choice. Man’s best friend.

The puppies immediately warmed her heart, causing the first smile she had in weeks. They each jumped at her and barked with excitement as she tried to pet each one in the glass tub in the window of the pet store. Tiny tongues licked her hand while little teeth bit at her fingers. They all wanted attention and affection and they would climb over each other to get it. She couldn’t help but laugh, her heart swelling as she watched the adorable creatures. It was then that she knew she was making the right decision.

It was hard to choose. She would spend hours in that store, talking with the clerk and playing with each and every puppy. She even found herself flirting with the guy working there. That was probably why he was so patient and willing to let her spend time with each dog. It gave him more time to talk to her. By the end of her time there, she had walked away with the smallest quietest little pup there plus a cart full of food, toys, beds, anything he would need. He was a dirty blonde color and probably wouldn’t grow to be any bigger than ten or fifteen pounds or so and he loved to lick.

She talked to the little fellow as she drove them home, both clearly excited to start this new relationship. She giggled as he tried to squirm out of her arms, making it hard for her to unlock her apartment and hold onto him and the bags hanging from her arm. He finally leapt from her grasp the moment the door opened and immediately made himself at home, bouncing around and sniffing out his new home. She continued to have a conversation with him as he followed her around while she put things away.

She set up a corner for him in the living room, a bed and a box with a few toys. He received a treat before she laid out a mat in the kitchen and placed his new food and water bowl down. Then when they went to the bedroom, she set another bed down at the foot of her own bed. When she looked up, he was laying happily on her blankets, his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging. She laughed but picked him up and set him back down on the floor, scolding him about getting on the bed. The moment she turned her back to set down a little puppy pee pad by her bathroom, he hopped back up on the bed, this time curling up against her pillows.

Her eyes rolled but she couldn’t help but smile. He was too cute to deny. So instead she crawled up on the bed with him and leaned her back against the headboard. Her hand glided down his long body, fingers running through his short hair. He didn’t stay too far away for long before he got up and curled into a ball on her lap. A warm smile spread across her face as she continued to pet him, his warmth on her thighs making a sigh pass her lips.  

She found it was hard to figure out a name for the little guy. And she couldn’t just keep calling him little guy. He snuggled with her all night and slept later than she did. Once he had his breakfast, he refused to let her drag him out on his leash. “Stubborn little thing.” She grumbled before picking him up and heading outside. She struggled with him for a while, finding that he truly was a stubborn pup, refusing to follow her or denying her wishes to stay on the grass. “You have an attitude problem.” She narrowed her eyes down at him with her hands on her hips. He simply sat there staring up at her with those puppy dog eyes and his head tilted.

She couldn’t be mad at a face like that. She crouched and scratched his chin and his tongue hung out. “God, you remind me of Dean.” She joked before her eyes widened. A sly grin played at her lips and she let out a laugh. “I’ll call you Dean.” Her head nodded when he barked, clearly approving of his new name. “Come on, Deano.”

As the months passed and Dean grew, the pair were inseparable. He missed her desperately when she was gone but he got plenty of affection when she came back. She found that the pain of missing the eldest Winchester wasn’t so bad. It was almost like he was still with her, only in the form of the tiny dog.

Today Dean and Jo were busy about the apartment, tidying up and preparing for a visitor. Bobby was bringing Sam. It wasn’t the first time Bobby had been by and Dean had loved him. Mostly because the old man had spoiled the pup by giving him scraps from the table. But this was the first time he was bringing Sam. She hadn’t heard about him since Dean died and a part of her was dreading seeing the youngest Winchester again. Her anxiety and nervousness was clearing rubbing off on Dean as he followed his master around with the same intensity and excitement.

“You gotta be nice to the giant, ok Dean?” She warned, turning to look down at the dog at her feet. “He may look scary but he’s just a little puppy just like you.” She smiled and it almost looked like he smiled back. Her smile faded when the knock at her door caused her to jump with a start. Sucking in a deep breath, she looked down at Dean again. “Here we go, boy.” Dean followed behind her as she made her way to the door.

The person on the other side caused her to freeze. It wasn’t Bobby or even Sam that she was faced with. All air was sucked out of her lungs as she stood face to face with Dean Winchester himself. She barely noticed Bobby and Sam standing behind him, her vision tunneled in on the eldest Winchester. The tiny dog began to bark, the strangers at his door making him upset and protective of his master. “Dean, hush.” Jo said breathlessly, her eyes not leaving the Winchester. The dog sat and tilted his head up at the men.

A smile crept over the Winchester���s lips. “You named the dog Dean?”

[ulfwolf]

The Microscope

Never in my life did I wait so long, so hard, and so intensely for anything as I did for my microscope.

The story:

Every fall my mother received a huge mail order catalog listing every conceivable item from kerosene pumps to be fitted directly onto large metal drums to Voiglander cameras to lipstick to toothbrushes to amazing toys and children’s socks. This inch-plus-thick catalog was intended for the trade, i.e., not for the end consumer, but somehow, don’t ask me how, she had gotten past their loose applicant screening process and once a year they bestowed this treasure of a document on a member of the public (my mom) and it soon found its way into my eager and fascinated hands.

Backed up into my favorite armchair with the catalog opened up on my lap, I would live in this thing for hours, remembering from the last edition where the various categories of marvel were listed. Clothes upfront, followed by underwear (I skipped this section through the early editions as it carried nothing but pure boredom, but perched curiously in it—and its scantily clad female models, modeling, yes, precisely, underwear—later as puberty was stirring in the wings, getting ready to pounce on yet another unsuspecting young male victim).

Then came hardware, tires, tools. Then air rifles and guns, sporting goods, moving on into cameras and optical stuff. Toys in the back. Pages and pages and pages of toys. That was my early home. I would dream of being unearthly wealthy and buy ten of everything I saw, trains, cars, games. I realize now how rich I was then, living in all this wealth for hour upon uninterrupted hour. Only Mom’s insistence that I eat, and she means now—the food is on the table, Ulf, or do homework, or go to bed, would shatter these dreams.

As I grew in years my catalog residence began changing however, from way back in toy-land coming forward through cameras and watches and radios, and then, one early summer day, it jumped up and bit me.

I think I had, fairly recently, watched a show about scientific research or something, because I still knew that I was destined for scientific greatness. After all, Alfred Nobel was a countryman. A no-brainer. And in this show, it was made quite clear that in order to gain worldwide repute as a leading researcher and laboratory scientist you must have a microscope. Without it you don’t even have the right to dream. But with it, you're guaranteed a place in the annals of evolutionary greatness. And there it was, staring up at me from the optics page.

It was holy. It was wonderful. Had a revolving disk with three (or was it four?) different magnifications built in. It had a mirror that could reflect either daylight or light from a small built-in lamp up on the examined object from below. It was perfect. And it was affordable. I checked with Mom, and, yes, I had enough money in my Postal bank book (with a little, or not so little, help from her), she said. Sure, she said. So, we ordered it.

You could have led me up the golden stairway of heaven, opened the portals and let me in, it would not have matched the euphoria that gripped and twirled this boy in a dance jubilant. The early summer had never been so brilliant, the sweet smells of the freshly mowed grass never so fragrant, the sky never bluer. All joys, expectations, future and life in general had found focus and crystalized in this one object, my microscope. MY microscope. On its way. My microscope.

The catalog stated that you should expect a seven to ten business-day wait, so I prayed for a five-day delivery, hoped for a seven-day wait and knew for sure it would be here in ten. These were long days, meaningless, eventless, since all that really took place was waiting. Well, yes, I did things, rode the swings, mowed the lawn, strolled the woods, ate, slept, and generally kept up the pretense of living, but this was just a shell going through the motions. My real existence was consumed by anticipation and waiting, waiting, waiting.

We lived out in the country side a couple of miles from town and our mailman who drove a regular car—a Volkswagen station wagon, as I recall. This VW-riding guy delivered all mail, letters and small parcels alike, to our large mailbox a brisk five-minute (or not so brisk ten-minute) walk from our house. The microscope was too large, though, for the mailbox, so what would arrive would be a postal arrival notice, directing the addressee (me) to bring the notice to the town’s post office to collect the package.

There were four mailboxes in a row at one central location, serving us and our three neighbors. He normally came before one pm on weekdays and by eleven am on Saturdays. By noon any given day I had normally checked the mailbox twice. By twelve thirty I would be there again, waiting for him to arrive. And then, once I saw his car, euphoria.

By the sixth day he knew what I was waiting for, so it was with a shrug and a smile that he handed me our mail, as if to apologize for the mail-order company tardiness. Darkness. It was not here yet. From the attic of delight to the sub-basement of despair through the shaft of impatience all in the shadow of a mailman's smile. I placed the mail we did receive on the bicycle carrier, got on the bike, and pedaled back home, dejection emanating like heat from the body in one of those thermal infra-red photographs. My mother takes one look at me as I hand her the mail and says she's sure it'll be here tomorrow. Well, what else can she say?

I suffer through the ensuing day somehow, and on occasion may even, heaven forbid, forget about the microscope for an instance or two, swinging from a tree, or jumping into the water from the twenty-foot trampoline down at the beach. But it is there, the waiting covers my existence like a film. I am not fulfilled, I am only partial until my other me, my perfect me arrives in the mail.

Every morning when sentience comes knocking and night slinks away out the back door, I am filled with the rush of anticipation even before I open my eyes. Today is the DAY! For sure. Fore sure sure. I go through the motions of dressing, checking the weather through the window, running downstairs for breakfast, and checking the time. Only six more hours to go now.

This ritual repeated, day after tortuous day, the apologetic mailman and myself exchanging glances, and he handing me our mail, me handing him my disappointment. It ruined early summer. Three weeks passed. Three weeks, as in twenty-one days. My capacity for emotional rollercoaster waned. The morning's joy was guarded, hedging its certainty with the likely possibility that tomorrow may in actual fact be the day. I was hell to live with. One day we were even away when the mailman came. Swimming or something, the family enjoying the summer and its pleasures but for my incessant inquiries as to when we were going back home. Mom wanted to return just to shut me up; Dad, stubborn as always, decided to choose this particular battlefield to prove a point, and he stayed (and the rest of us with him since it was his car and he was the driver) until he was good and ready to return.

We stopped by the mailbox on the way home—no microscope.

By now my wait had grown beyond all reasonable proportions and now engulfed my entire neighborhood, my immediate family having borne the pain alone long enough. I was asked by one and all if it had come, and they all said they were sorry to hear that it hadn't and that they were sure it would come tomorrow.

Well, of course, it finally did arrive, almost as an afterthought, a month or so after we ordered it. Yes, I was happy, but not ecstatic. I took the parcel delivery notice and bicycled into town to pick it up. There was the package, my name on the label. I signed the notice as received and tied the package carefully to my bike’s luggage holder, and pedaled home. Mom smiled and asked if it had arrived okay and in one piece. Yes, to both questions.

I brought the thing up to my room and unpacked it. Installed the little battery to power the mirror illumination lamp. Found something to view (I think I pulled a strand of hair to check out the root) and I looked. Tried the various magnification levels, adjusted the lamp and the focus and looked at that root some more, and some more, and some more after that, and that was that.

I played with it for another day or two, on and off. But the truth is that the joy of owning my very own microscope had died a long and pitiful death in the shadow of the much more significant waiting.

And no, I never made world-famous scientist.

(c) Wolfstuff

http://wolfstuff.com

[zentheknightingale]

I got you anon! Just assume everything is the same, but without them kissing each other for even once during their routes. This will be including semi-AU scenarios, so I hope you don’t mind about it :) Its literally the longest I’ve ever written omg ~Admin Kei

Zen

-It was a few weeks after the official announcement of their relationship, when Zen and MC are watching a romantic movie in his house

-While they’re watching midway through the movie, the romantic scenes were getting cheesier, which somewhat left them in an awkward mood

- Being the sensitive type, he couldn’t help but stole a few glances towards his side. There she was, holding her cheeks on her palms, slightly blushing. It seems that she was really concentrated on the movie, since her soft gaze never left the television screen.

-A few minutes had passed and none of them dared to say a word. He was feeling even more conscious now, he thought, as he tried to find somewhere else to distract himself from the movie; he never thought that watching a movie that contains particular…kiss scenes with a female he confessed his love on could be such intense.

-“Get a grip, Zen. You know you’re better than this.” He mentally slapped his cheeks, putting his thoughts towards their recent relationship. They did occasionally share some physical intimacy, but it seems like its missing something…oh. His gaze landed back on the screen; the kiss is still ongoing.

-“I never even kissed MC…I’m so stupid.” Deciding that he should repay back her feelings on how she supported him throughout the time she’s joined RFA, he simply turned off the TV with the remote, which immediately gained back MC’s attention towards him.

-“W-What?” she blinked in confusion, as her thoughts soon returned to the atmosphere around the house. Before she could further ask what’s going on, he held onto her chin with his fingers, slowly pulling her towards him.

-The first kiss they shared on the lips was mild and sweet; her lips were pretty soft too, he thought. Although she knew that he did not dare to delve in further, she could still feel his hidden feelings that were waiting so desperately to be shown to her, and it was crazy. It truly shows how both of them love each other, considering time was not a factor at that moment.

Jumin:

-There’s still a few months left before their official wedding, when they arrived at a particular high-class restaurant for dinner.

-“I love the quiet atmosphere here, Jumin, thanks for inviting me.” She said, as he pulled the seat for her to sit in. “As long as its for you, I wouldn’t mind at all.” He he softly replied with a smile, as he eventually sat in front of her.

-After he ordered food from the menu, both of them began to share a conversation relating to the wedding and perhaps even their honeymoon in the future. Even when he’s a bit tired from all the working in his company, talking to his fiancée really restores his energy right away.

-“Sorry, I’ll be right back.” She stood up from the chair, slowly heading towards the bathroom. He did not reply, but instead kept his gaze on her back; the way her dress sways whenever she took a step, her hair bouncing up and down and the smile that seems to be lingering on the back of her head, all of them intrigues him. He just loves every part of her well-being, whether its her appearance or not.

-When he took a glance towards his surroundings, he realized that another couple was sitting at the farthest table, well…kissing. He did not particularly mind them showing affection in a public place, but it certainly reminded him that not even once did they ever kissed on the lips before, even after he proposed during the RFA party.

-After MC came back from the bathroom, they continued to eat while sharing a pleasant talk, as if nothing had happened before.

-Eventually, as they were sitting on his car with his driver on the front seat, he stares at her with a strange expression, leaving MC in a blank state. “Jumin?”

-He did not reply again, but instead placing his right hand on her cheek tenderly, initiating a kiss right before she could react from it. The kiss was somewhat rough, but she does not mind; not only she could feel the warmth crept up from his body, but also the long suppressed love he have been wanting to show her all this time. It was particularly enjoyable and memorable to both of them.

Yoosung

-It was another random day of them scrolling through the chatroom together in his home, when he came through a particular topic discussed by Zen and Seven.

Seven: I’ll give you a virtual kiss if you want some company Zen <3 <3

Seven: *inserts heart emoji here*

Zen: *inserts awkward emoji here*

Zen: I would rather get kissed by a fan than you Seven.

…

-“Yoosung, what’s wrong?” Oops. He hasn’t even realized that he zoned out a bit, while looking at the screen in front of him. “U-Um, its fine, MC! Nothing’s wrong!” He waved his hand to reassure her.

-When he returned his gaze towards the conversation that both Seven and Zen shared, he realized that their relationship hasn’t even advanced further, ever since he confessed his love towards her. He appreciates how she stayed by his side even when he tried to compare her with Rika, which he knows he shouldn’t do that in the first place, but he really wished that he could know more about her in-depth.

-”Why did I even decide to scroll through the chatrooms anyway…” He sighed mentally, knowing that they haven’t shared a kiss, for even once. Maybe he could do something about it?

-Unfortunately, his self-consciousness told him that it’ll probably be too early to do so, so he wasted a few hours playing multiplayer games with her, talking, cooking, the usual routine.

-“Maybe I shouldn’t be too subtle about it and instead ask her directly? Yup, this is definitely the best idea, even though I didn’t have my first kiss yet! Go Yoosung!” He kept making pep talks to himself during the meantime and its almost driving him into a non-stop blushing madness; its still a surprise that she haven’t noticed this yet.

-As soon as its almost time for her to leave, he simply grabbed onto her wrists, implying her to stay for a bit longer. “C-Can I kiss you before you leave?”

-When he saw that she froze on the spot, he took the chance and grabbed onto her shoulders, giving her a simple kiss. He did not dare to move, but it feels kind of tingly and nice, he thought. He could even smell the faint scent from her minted lip balm, which reminds him to buy more of those when he got time.

Jaehee

-It was just like any normal day in the café, but with MC helping her with the washing instead.

-“I really appreciate your help, MC, but it’ll be very tiring if you stayed with me for the whole day.” She said, with sadness added in her tone. She wouldn’t want her to be stressed out with the large amount of work, considering how she truly understands the meaning of being stressed when she’s still Jumin’s assistant.

-“I’m totally fine, Jaehee! Looking at the customer’s smiles always give me a boost of energy, plus its not that I have a lot to do anyway.” MC replied joyfully, as she continues washing the plates piled onto the sink.

-“Wow, she’s just so innocent…but that’s what I like about MC though.” She thought with a slight smile, complimenting the RFA coordinator in her mind. Ever since MC joined the RFA and befriended her, her sole existence already gave her a lot of confidence on being direct towards her own feelings. If its not MC who joined the RFA by accident, she might’ve been stuck being Jumin’s assistant, or worse, going to the hospital frequently because of over-stressing herself and a lack of sleep for almost every weekday.

-Before her thoughts could drift along any further, all the lights in her café suddenly went into an outage; the sun already setting didn’t help much too. Several customers began opening the flashlight from their phones, but the café is still very much pitch black, considering how its not really crowded.

-Its even worse when there’s already inches of snow being piled up against the door. Yup you’ve guessed it; it happened during December.

-“Jaehee?” She turned her head towards the source of sound, “I-I’m quite scared of the dark.”

-As soon as she saw MC’s crouching figure, she immediately put her arms around her, stroking her back softly. When the lights seemed that it wouldn’t turn back on for a while, she knew the only way to give MC full comfort. It is not the best choice, but if its MC, she’s willing to do anything to keep her safe.

-As their lips were connected for a while, it successfully calmed down MC in a surprising state. It wasn’t really the first kiss they had imagined to be, but it was more of a reassuring kind instead. For both of them, its simply worth more than a thousand words.

Seven

-It was a quiet night in his apartment, when MC’s the only one falling asleep peacefully.

-“Why do I have to work overnight again…” He let out a soft sigh, showing his frustration on a certain someone. Getting tired from staring at the computer screen while drinking Dr. Pepper, he stretched himself to get more comfort from sitting on a computer chair.

-While he was busy with closing all the useless tabs, his gaze landed on a folder with MC’s name on it. He clicked on it out of curiosity and sure enough, its mostly about the background information he researched when she first joined RFA by accident.

-His thoughts simply drifted off the 11 days before the start of an unexpected RFA party; all these years having to act for an optimistic personality online, with MC  suddenly popping up and knowing how to respond most of his weird phrases, was clearly something that he did not expect at all.

-Not to mention meeting his twin brother in such an unfortunate incident, which led him into despair and for once, breaking out from the façade and showing his true, pessimistic personality. He always thought that he should repay the debt from treating her with coldness during the time he’s in Rika’s apartment, but he just doesn’t know how.

-He simply hates how he’s always so emotional during the night. As he landed his gaze on her sleeping figure, he felt a sense of calmness radiating from her. If she did not appear, all of these incidents wouldn’t even happen, especially being her boyfriend-

-“Wait…we’re in a relationship for almost a month and we still haven’t kissed? How?!” He continuously scratched his head in irritation, “Should I do that? Right now?”

-“But it might wake her up-“ “Alright, here goes.” He slowly tiptoed towards his bed, as he crouched down below her sleeping figure. Seeing MC’s beautiful face already made him into a blushing madness. He isn’t like this-

-He gently pulled her forward with his right hand, as he then tilted his head and gave her a sweet kiss. He tries to move forward, but he knows it’ll instantly wake her up. He lingered the kiss to further savor the moment, he realizes she sort of tastes like toothpaste and it was the best kiss he ever initiated.

[artificialqueens]

everything carries me to you: part three (thorcid)

AN: This is the last chapter of ECMTY. I had a lot of fun writing it! If you want to drop me a note or a follow you can find me on my tumblr, featherpluckn :)

It turns out, Jamin is really bad at waiting to see what comes next.

Jamin and Shane had agreed to meet up when they were both back in New York. The prospect of them as more used to scare the shit out of him. To be honest, Jamin was still scared he would fuck it all the way up somehow, but he had come to the conclusion it would be worth it. He really wants to see where all of this could lead.

 However, true to form, Jamin tries to keep his expectations savagely realistic.

When they were on the show, they were in a bubble. A bubble that forced intimacy by isolating them from the world at large. Of course, they would become closer. Of course, every little annoying trait of Shane’s would become adorable. But that didn’t mean their interactions meant the same thing to Shane.

The further removed Jamin is from what happened in that hotel room the night he was eliminated, the more his confidence about the other man’s intentions wane.

Jamin starts telling himself it was just a blowjob. It had happened before, many times. They always had incredible sex, and that would probably would not change. The two of them can get each other off but it didn’t mean they should find day jobs, move to the suburbs, and adopt 2.5 dogs.

Or that is what Jamin had convinced himself of in the meantime.

 Shane had other ideas.

*

Jamin had been spiraling into a pit of despair and ice cream for about a month before his phone beeped on a random Thursday evening. He thought it was his sister letting him know about some nails he needed for an upcoming gig and let it go.

 Two hours later, he checked his phone. It was Shane.

 I miss your face. Meet me tonight for a drink around 9??

 It was 9:15. Shit.

Jamin dropped his phone twice trying to text back and pull his pants on at the same time. He laughed and cursed at himself loudly because clearly he was extremely fucking thirsty.

 Ah! I just saw your text. Definitely need to catch up. Am I too late?

 Shane was probably already with his friends, throwing back shots, not even giving him a second thought.

 Jamin’s phone lit up 30 seconds later.

 Never.

 The next text came almost immediately with an address.

 *

When Jamin arrived at the dive bar Shane led him to, he finds the man sitting on a stool animatedly talking to the bartender. They are both laughing, loudly. Jamin is smiling before he can stop himself because that’s the sunshine effect Shane has on him and also because he’s what? Fucked.

Jamin walks up to the bar and sits down next to him. Shane turns and his face lights up. That anxious weight that had settled in Jamin’s chest the last few weeks falls into his stomach and turns into a bunch of huge fucking butterflies.

“You made it!” Shane reaches for him, kissing him on the cheek and pulling him into fierce hug.

“I made it.” Jamin sinks into the hug, making the most of the contact he’s been craving.

Shane exhales deeply and sighs, “I’ve missed this.”

Jamin can feel him run his hands through the hair he has been growing out since he last saw him. The warmth that simple action provokes spreads through his body, lighting him up with confidence. He presses a kiss to Shane’s temple and replies way too fucking honestly, “I’ve missed you. So much.”

Shane sits back and lets his eyes roam over Jamin’s face settling on his lips. As much as Jamin would make out with him pretty much anywhere Shane is willing, he is painfully aware of the fact that the bartender has been wiping out the same glass for the last 5 minutes. Plus, he’s more than sure it would escalate past the point of public decency.

Jamin puts about a foot of distance between them and clears his throat, “Can I get a beer or does this place just serve tetanus?”

Shane giggled “Bitch. It was the only place I could think of where we could talk about well you know” Shane gestured wildly in the air with his hands, and Jamin wasn’t sure if he meant them or Drag Race or the goddamn weather, “without someone we know breathing down our necks. Sadie can you get my friend a beer,  please?”

“No problem, Thorg. Anything for you?”

“I’ll take another beer and bring us both a shot of Maker’s please. I think we might be celebrating something…kind of….maybe.”

Shane giggled and Sadie moved off down the bar to get the drinks.

Even though Jamin had pulled away, Shane hadn’t let go of his hands, “Sooo, how have you been?”

What a loaded question and a million responses run through Jamin’s mind: “Good. How are you?” “Why the fuck haven’t you called me before now?” “Better now that I’m with you”

 But since unintentional honesty seems to be the theme of the night, Jamin settles for “Not so good actually. Um, it turns out I was looking forward to that text tonight a little too much.”

Jamin laughs to lighten the mood after he says it, but it still must have stung considering the tiny look of guilt that passes over Shane’s features.  

Shane laces their fingers together and squeezes, “I am sorry. Truly. Things did not go as well as I had hoped after you left. Then, I got back and I had to readjust to normal, everyday life. I had to get back into my gigs like I haven’t had this life-altering experience and it was so surreal, you know what I mean? That’s no excuse though. I know I should have texted you sooner but….I don’t know? I was also scared maybe things would have changed for you? We can just be friends. If that’s what you want. I’m totally cool with that but I really fucking like you and I mean like you like you and it’s kind of terrifying but….”

Shane trailed off and looked at Jamin with wide eyes and suddenly he was back in that vomit-soaked alley. Shane definitely had nothing to apologize for when it came to the two of them. Jamin was the one who chose not to take this thing further. The other man was always putting out clear signals and Jamin chose to pretend like he didn’t know how Shane felt about him. Yet, here he is again trying to make something out of this intense pull between them.

Jamin would like to use that old cliche “Can we start over?” but would he really start over with Shane if he had the chance? Even the messy parts of this friends-with-benefits thing they’ve had for years are precious to Jamin. He wouldn’t even  want to change all of the times Shane was leaving and he desperately wanted to ask him to stay but his fear closed his throat up. Because he at least got to touch him and hold him and fuck him like he was his just for a little bit.

There was a minute when he still didn’t know if he could do it. Insecurities and doubt and logic were gearing up to let his heart have it. But then Sadie came back. She sat down their drinks and when Shane turned his head to thank her Jamin could see the tears threatening to fall.

Nope.

He would not sit here paralyzed by the feelings he knows good and damn well are reciprocated while Shane is crying over him. His insecurities, doubt and logic can go fuck themselves.

“Hey.” Jamin said softly. Maybe a little too softly because Shane didn’t turn back to face him.

But then he realized he had heard him. Shane downed his whiskey and took a deep breath and then Jamin was the one struggling to hear his uncharacteristically subdued voice, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. Just need a minute to shove everything back inside.”

“Shane? Look at me.”

The other man took a shuddering breath, and turned back towards Jamin with a smile on his face, “What’s up?”

Jamin internally cringed, “Don’t do that. Don’t pretend like it’s okay for me to leave you hanging about my feelings for you. Because it’s not. Especially, when I feel the exact same way you do.”

“Really?”

Jamin rolled his eyes and smiled, “Yeah, really. I like like you too and I think we should give us a shot.”

Jamin could hear his heart pounding in his ears because there it all was. He had said it out loud, and there was no taking it back. He was proud of himself for finally letting Shane know how he felt, but looking at Shane’s face made him think twice. The fake smile was still there, and he was nodding but Jamin wasn’t so sure he was buying it. He just had to though.

“Look. I know I haven’t always been as brave as you when it comes to all of this. I’m just going to ask you to trust me when I say you own my ass and you have for a long time.”

Shane giggled then and Jamin took it as a good sign. “Please give me a chance to prove how much you mean to me.”

Shane let out a breath, leaned forward, and cupped Jamin’s cheek. His face broke into a bright, genuine smile,  “Alright, then. Let’s do this.”

*

Jamin had hoped his night would end like this, but he never thought it actually would.

After finishing their beers, the two of them decided to walk back to Jamin’s apartment. The bar was filling up quickly with loud regulars taking advantage of the half price margaritas. They had a lot to talk about, and it was probably not the best idea to finish their conversation in a crowded public place. He wanted to ask about what happened when he left Drag Race or  the tour that was coming up for both of them or the logistics of a possible relationship while they were both presumably touring the country, but as soon they crossed the threshold of his apartment they were all over each other.

Jamin was currently standing against his front door, naked as the day he was born  with Shane plastered to the back of him. He could feel the other man’s cock hard between them. Shane was trailing bruising kisses from Jamin’s shoulder up to his ear and back again and running his hands down his belly getting lower with each pass.

It was always like this with Shane. He was always everywhere all at once, overloading Jamin’s senses in the best fucking way possible.

Jamin was brought quickly back to the present when Shane finally reached his dick, stroking firmly and whispering in his ear, “I really want to fuck you against this door.”

He ground back into Shane and his voice cracked when he answered, “Take me then, because I am definitely not stopping you.”

Jamin lost the warmth at his back and the hand around his dick when Shane stepped back. The other man pulled backwards on Jamin’s hips and pressed down between his shoulder blades, bending him forward.

“Perfect. Don’t move.”

Jamin scoffed. He meant to make a crack about where the fuck he would go, but he caught sight of the condom Shane sat on the entry table and heard the cap pop open on the bottle of lube he knows Shane carries with him everywhere in that godforsaken satchel.

You never know when you’re going to need it, girl.

He’ll give him that one because he has never been more turned on by how prepared the man is than at this moment. Jamin braces his forearms against the door, wiggles his ass, and spreads his legs a little bit more.

“Trust me. I am not going anywhere.”

“Good.”

Shane grabs his ass then with one hand spreading Jamin open, and then runs two fingers of his other hand down to his entrance. He bends back over Jamin reaching around and grabbing his dick. Shane bites down on his shoulder and uses his lubed fingers to enter Jamin at the same time. Jamin groans at the dual sensation.

Shane begins stroking his length in time with his fingers, hitting that spot just right and he knows he’s not going to last long if this keeps up.

“Jesus. Shit! Sh-Shane just fuck me or this is going to be over real quick.”

Shane chuckles and lets go of his dick. He kisses the spot he had bitten earlier.  “Sorry. I didn’t realize you were that keyed up.”

Jamin is already breathing hard when he replies “I’m always that keyed up with you. Anyway, we’ve got all night. Plenty of time for foreplay.”

“Very true.”

This isn’t a romance novel but Jamin would be lying if he said he didn’t feel empty when Shane removed his fingers. He turns his head just in time to see him roll the condom on and lube up. Yes. He is definitely ready. It has been way too long.

“Close your mouth or I’ll find something to do with it.”

“Is that a promise?”

“Later.”

Jamin chuckles but shuts the fuck up when he feels Shane grab his hips lining himself up,  and hissing in pleasure as he sinks into him.

Shane leans down and grabs Jamin’s jaw pulling him into a sloppy kiss giving the other man time to adjust. He is a little bit larger than average but thick and it has been a while so Jamin is thankful.

Jamin sucks on that sinful tongue and nods his head. Shane takes his cue and stands up snapping his hips into Jamin’s. He sets a fast pace with short, quick thrusts. Jamin can hear Shane moaning over the sound of their two bodies coming together.

“I forgot how good you feel..mmmm” Shane is the one breathing hard now but Jamin is glad to hear it. He was not lying when he told Shane he was on edge already. Hearing the man behind him babble about how much he loves fucking him and how he missed this oh god he’s missed this is definitely not helping.

He can feel him pick up the pace and Shane presses down in the dip low on Jamin’s back, changing the angle.

He’s hitting that spot on the way in and out now making Jamin cry out. He’s almost shouting when he asks, “I’m so fucking close. Are you close?”

“Mmmhmm. Touch yourself, please.

If he was with anyone else, Jamin would have been embarrassed about the whining, grateful moan that comes out of his mouth but it’s Shane. So, he lets it out and grabs his cock.

A few good, solid strokes is all it takes. The orgasm that hits him is beyond words. Jamin is gasping for breath and pushes back into Shane one last time, clenching. He feels Shane’s last couple of strokes stutter out of rhythm and then he comes with a shout.

Jamin doesn’t even register that his ears had been buzzing until the world floods back in. He can hear a car door slam, and the sound of Shane gasping for breath and laying kisses across his back trying to catch his breath before he pulls out.

Jamin finally stands up straight and reaches up stretching out his back. He is definitely going to be sore tomorrow but it was worth it. He feels Shane wrap an arm around his waist from behind and turns around raising up on his toes for a kiss. It is lazy and spent but full of the passion Shane puts into everything he does. Jamin pulls back and bops a kiss on Shane’s nose.

“Okay. I think I am in desperate need of a shower. Care to join me?”

“Always. But no funny business, bitch. I have to get my strength back.”

They join hands and Jamin leads him down the small hallway towards the bathroom. Turning around Jamin gives Shane a mischievous grin.

“Unless you plan on showering with your clothes on, I make no guarantee.”

*

When Jamin had thought of what waking up with Shane would be like (and honestly he had been thinking of it a lot lately), he imagined waking up to the smell of coffee, and the sound of  Brahms filtering peacefully throughout the apartment. He would pad into the kitchen and Shane would be sitting there with his dreads half-tamed, reading the arts section of the newspaper wrapped up in that huge fucking striped scarf with a gorgeous  eye-crinkling smile on his face.

But the reality is, it’s Shane. Perfectly, imperfect Shane, and the man likes to keep him on his toes.

The morning after Jamin wakes up to the smell of coffee alright, but there is also the distinct smell of something charred underneath it. He can also hear some lilting, happy classical piece of music  floating through the cracked bedroom door complimented by muffled cursing.

Working up the courage to find out exactly is going on in his kitchen, Jamin rolls out of bed, pulls on Shane’s pants, and makes his way down the hall.

“What the hell is going on in here?”

Shane turns around quickly, dropping whatever he was furiously trying to clean on the counter behind him. “Good morning, handsome! Can I interest you in a blowjob that is in no way a distraction related to what may or may not have happened in this kitchen?”

“Don’t good-morning-handsome-guilt-blow-job me. What are you doing in here?”

Shane’s hands start flying wildly around his head trying to explain himself, “Well, I actually woke up early for once. I know! I can’t believe it either. I couldn’t fall back asleep and I didn’t want to freak you out if you woke up and I was just staring at you. Did you know how cute you are when you sleep? Because you are. So, I came in the living room and watched a couple of episodes of Chopped and got inspired to make you breakfast. But I-”

“Is that a fucking Hot Pocket burned to the bottom of my good skillet?”

“Maybe.”

Jamin let out a lovingly exasperated laugh. A few months ago, this would have sent him through the roof.  The two of them would have immediately went Williams-Sonoma to replace the skillet, but today? All he can do is think about the effort Shane was putting into making this morning a little more special, and damn if it didn’t make his heart melt a little.

“Are you mad? Are you ready to murder me? Well, I guess I deserve it but right when I was about to get my big break? Really?”

Jamin just shakes his head and laughs opening his arms, “C’mere, cuckoo bird.” Shane flings himself at Jamin peppering his face with kisses. “I’m not mad. I can replace the skillet. No big deal. I just can’t believe you tried to cook me breakfast.”

Shane’s face is buried in the crook of Jamin’s neck and he can feel his smile. “Thank you for not killing me. I had a really good time last night and in the middle of the night and earlier this morning. I want to live long enough for a repeat performance.”

Jamin kisses the top of his head, then lifts Shane’s chin so he can look at him. “So, you want to keep having a good time? Maybe even with our clothes on every now and then?” Jamin clutches his chest and gasps.

Shane giggles and grins, “We look so good without our clothes on though…I don’t know. Are you asking me on an honest-to-god date?”

And he is, isn’t he? This is what Jamin wants more than anything. He wants to spend the night with Shane and take him out and buy him goddamn flowers and dance in the rain at sunset. It is absolutely ridiculous, and he can’t wait to do it all.

“Yep. Dinner, movie, drinks, dancing, whatever you want to do.”

Shane kisses him then. Long and hard. Jamin knows, without a doubt, he will definitely never get tired of those kisses. Shane pulls away and smiles, “It’s a date then”

Jamin kisses his cheek “Great! First, I’m going to make us some actual breakfast. Oh, I do have one question.”

Shane is already busy pouring them both a cup of coffee but turns around and smiles, “Yes?”

“Why did you try to cook a Hot Pocket on the stovetop?”

Shane winces, “Whatever you do, do not look in the microwave.”

[lotsofdogs]

Our Wednesday + Toddler Battles

Helloooo! How is everyone doing out there? Our week has been a decent one so far and the days have passed in a blur of weekday craziness that included working, toddler chasing, volunteering at Serenity House and reading a new book that had me all kinds of FREAKED OUT and intrigued. (More on that below!)

Since I don’t feel like I’ve really had a chance to chat with you guys since Monday, I wanted to stop by today to share a quick glimpse into our Wednesday. It wasn’t anything special but sometimes it’s the day-to-day normal life stuff I find myself drawn to writing and reading about most.

Morning

My morning began like most mornings do around here with a quick and easy breakfast that I ate while working my way through my devotionals. I made myself a bowl of triple chocolate protein oatmeal (served in a glass storage container because all of our bowls were in the dishwasher) and loved every chocolaty bite!

I’ve had a few people ask about the devotionals I’m doing right now and I’m actually making my way through two. The Women’s Devotional Guide to the Bible is the one I’m loosely following that actually gets me reading my Bible. (I have the Life Application Bible which is FABULOUS for anyone who needs serious help deciphering scripture… ME!) When I say I’m loosely following the women’s devotional, I mean it. The devotional is quite intense and I use it more or less as a reading plan that I break up over the course of a week.) Trusting God Day by Day is a much faster, easier devotional featuring a new scripture everyday, followed by a few paragraphs from Joyce Meyer breaking the scripture down, applying it to real life and diving into it a little deeper.

Once I wrapped up my devotional, said goodbye to Ryan and got about 30 minutes of work done, Chase was up for the day and ready for mom’s attention. When I heard him making noise on the monitor, I went into overdrive and packed his lunch for preschool but left half of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the counter in plain view. You can probably guess what instantly became his breakfast when he caught sight of the sandwich…

Plus some sliced strawberries and blackberries on the side!

I wanted to report back here on some of the struggles we’ve had related to battling Chase’s strong will and rapidly-increasing preferences and opinions that center around everything from getting dressed and going to bed to leaving the house, diaper change protests and more. For a solid month or so now, I’ve felt like I’ve been going into battle with a two-year-old multiple times a day for one reason or another. Whether it’s forcing Chase to wear anything other than his reindeer footie pajamas (the HORROR) or telling him we have to leave the house when he’s 100 percent enamored with his trains, I’ve felt completely exhausted by the end of the day multiple days a week. Fortunately, I’m slooowly beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel (sometimes) and I owe a lot of it to DISTRACTIONS.

Chase’s curiosity is at an all-time high and he feeds off my moods and my excitement so I’ve been trying my best to approach certain situations that often escalate into battles with a distraction on hand and ridiculous mom enthusiasm. Here are a few examples:

Diaper Change Battles: I come equipped with something new to show Chase to distract him enough to avoid a kick and wiggle-filled diaper change. These “new” things range from one of mom’s lockets/bracelets, Chase’s forehead thermometer, a toy he hasn’t seen in ages, dad’s electric toothbrush, etc. Nothing special, just something different that instantly piques his interest.

Car Seat Battles: UGH. These are HORRIBLE mainly because Chase somehow turns into a mini-Hulk when he fights his car seat and I can feel my adrenaline rise and my temper begin to flare as he thrusts his hips up and does everything he can to resist the buckle. My current solution: Orange Monster! I don’t know where this came from, but Chase loves oranges, so I’ve been slicing up an orange in a small bowl to give to him during car rides. We hype up the orange before loading him into the car and say Chase is the Orange Monster. We make ridiculous growling noises and the whole nine yards. Lord help me if we run out of oranges one morning!

Bed Time Battles: Chase was often morphing into a wild man before bed and I think a lot of this had to do with the fact that we were skipping bath time some nights since we spent so many days inside when the weather turned cold and he wasn’t really dirty at the end of the day. Big mistake! Bath time helps him unwind and CHILL OUT and we try to make this the last thing we do before pajamas, stories, prayers and bed. No more running around and playing on his PlasmaCar five minutes before bed! He was waaay too hyped up to settle down and meltdowns occurred on the reg.

Getting Out of the House Battles: When we need to leave the house and Chase is protesting, giving him a “job” seems to really help get him out the door. He’s all about setting our house alarm, pressing the button to open the garage door, giving Sadie a treat, etc. Anything to distract him and make him feel like we need his help to get out the door often serves as a good motivator for him to put his toys down and get a move on!

Of course these don’t work like a charm every time, but they are helping a bit so I wanted to pass them on just in case any of you out there are in the phase of toddler meltdowns, too! And if you guys have any tips for handling toddler meltdowns, I’m all ears!

Chase and I managed to get out the door without too much of a struggle (thank you, Orange Monster!) and made it to preschool on time. He ran into his classroom without so much as a “See ya, Mom” and I headed off to Burn Boot Camp for a workout with my friend Laura.

We went through a leg workout that ended up being a serious booty burner!

My glutes were on fie-ah after that one!

After the gym, I rushed home, ate an RXBar and went into blogger mode, quickly assembling everything for a mini food photo shoot for a crock pot recipe I hope to share on the blog next week. I made the recipe earlier in the week, so it just needed to be photographed which made the process much faster than usual. Phew!

(Still 100 percent loving my $15 food photo backdrops from Esty! I’m using the 2ft x 2ft size in the above pic.)

After snapping a ridiculous number of pictures, I sat down at the computer to do some photo editing and responded to a few emails before I couldn’t ignore my body’s need for a shower any longer. I quickly showered, worked on the computer for a little longer and then made myself a smoothie that looked like a gray cloud of despair.

(In my smoothie: Almond milk, spinach, peanut butter, chocolate protein powder, cocoa powder, chia seeds, frozen banana and wild blueberries.)

Afternoon

With smoothie in hand, I headed off to a quick 10-minute eyebrow appointment before it was time to pick Chase up from preschool.

A little over a month ago, I got my eyebrows done for the very first time in my entire life and I’m SOLD. I hope to keep up with them as much as possible and notice a huge difference not only from the waxing/shaping but from the tint! The tint has been KEY for me as a natural blonde. I was always so terrified to do anything to my brows because they’re so light and I worried that waxing them would make them disappear but the tint has been a game-changer.

Here’s a before/after from yesterday’s appointment:

I’m far from having enviable eyebrows but I think it’s an improvement! (Note: Both the before and after are photographed without any eyebrow makeup/fillers.)

I picked up from Chase immediately following my appointment and we headed home for an early afternoon snack, playtime at his train table and a reading of Green Eggs and Ham before nap.

And yes, we are now the family who has a GIANT giraffe and a GIANT train table in their living room.

Thankfully Chase went down semi-easily and I was able to make myself lunch (reheated crock pot leftovers) and knock out some additional work for about 90 minutes before he was up again.

Once Chase was up, we spent the rest of the afternoon at home, making cupcakes for a birthday party play date we have on the agenda this afternoon, playing and doing some household chores in preparation for my father-in-law’s visit later today. Ryan arrived home from work right in time for us to pile into his car and head out to an event we had at our church in the early evening.

Evening

The event included dinner (totally forgot about that one when I made this week’s meal plan) so we filled up on baked ziti while we learned about child dedication.

When we arrived back home, we did an express version of Chase’s bath before settling him in his crib. Ryan and I climbed into bed a little after 9 p.m. and then I read my face off because I absolutely could not put Final Girls down.

After I mentioned feeling less-than-enthused about the previous book I read on the blog, both Courtney and Heather highly recommended Final Girls to me, saying they both read it in only two days because it was so suspenseful. Well, apparently this book has a two-day reading window because after beginning it on Tuesday night, I ended up reading for waaay too long last and also finished it in two days. Talk about a page-turner! I’ll share more about it in tomorrow’s Things I’m Loving Friday post, but it was a GOOD one.

Now I’m off to the gym to squeeze in a quick workout before welcoming my father-in-law in town today! Hope you guys all have a great Thursday!

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