#my roommate was like so i need to get another
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let me (nam-gyu)
nam-gyu x gn!reader, 1.9k words, angst, fluff, smut
synopsis: you know your roommate, nam-gyu, has been struggling, and you offer him help him out in a… different way
warnings: smut!, allusions to drug abuse(nothing in detail), sub!nam-gyu, softdom!reader, handjob, really nothing too crazy, might be a little ooc nam-gyu
note: hi! this is weird for me because i haven’t posted my writing in years, but i wanted to share this because of the lack of squid game writing on here <3 i’m unsure whether i’ll post anything else, but i hope you enjoy nonetheless :)
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sighing under the steaming hot water, you allowed your shoulders to relax for what seemed to be the first time all week. finally, it was friday, and your work week was over. finally, you had your break from your crappy 9-5 where you could feel your body rotting by the minute.
you wanted to quit, of course, but this job was the only thing keeping a roof over your head when you had to pay your share of the rent, and you knew surely your roommate wouldn’t be able to pay it by himself.
your roommate— nam-gyu— was not necessarily the ideal man to live with. you had your fair share of him stumbling into the apartment intoxicated, or him and his friends yelling obscenely at late hours. however, your past roommate had left without warning to move in with her boyfriend, and you were left scrambling.
thankfully, your friend se-mi, introduced you to nam-gyu, a man working at a club who had just been evicted from his last place for reasons he would never care to share. you had assumed it was something to do with the suspicious look in his eyes when he would come home in the middle of the night, sporting a chatty, boyish demeanor that clashed greatly with his typical standoffish and sarcastic personality. however, he never let you see what he actually took, murmuring something about it being ��not anything someone like you should worry about”.
nam-gyu left you perplexed most of the time. of course, you were frustrated with him as a roommate, but there was times when you wished he would let you in as a friend. you knew nam-gyu wasn’t a bad guy. he kept his space clean and feed the stray cats outside of your apartment complex. he showed up at a moment’s notice when his friend called him after he was badly injured in a fight. however, he didn’t allow you to see when you knew he was struggling, even when you could hear his pained sobs he tried to muffle through the thin walls. you really had no basis to act on, but you knew that you wanted to support him.
with a groan, you turned off the running water and stepped out of the shower. tonight, there was nothing you could do about the pesky situation with your roommate, as you knew he had probably already left for his evening shift at the club. you wrapped a towel around your body and began your walk to your bedroom to get changed, but you gasped when you nearly bumped into another person.
“you scared the hell out of me!” you exclaimed, hand on your chest as you stared wide-eyed at the man in front of you.
“woah, shit, sorry. didn’t mean to scare you.” nam-gyu laughed, holding both of his hands up in surrender.
“what are you doing here, not at work?” you asked, shaking your head slightly to rid yourself of the shock in your lungs.
“ah, i got that one new guy to take my shift. i wasn’t in the mood to deal with shitty customers today.” he explained, stress evident in his tone. he rubbed his hands on his face before actually taking a second to look at you. when he realized your still damp body was only covered by a towel, his breath hitched in his throat, and he quickly adverted his gaze with pink ears.
“okay,” you paused with suspicion, eyeing nam-gyu in front of you. “just— are you going to have people over tonight? ‘cause i really don’t want to deal with so much noise.”
“nah, i won’t.” nam-gyu still wouldn’t meet your eyes.
“alright, cool. i’ll be in my room if you need me,” you replied, relieved, and made your way past him towards your room to get changed. nam-gyu froze in place as you walked past, squeezing his hands into fists at the smell of your body wash. he rubbed he face once again, before making a beeline towards his room, abandoning the soda he was about to grab in the fridge.
—
once changed into a comfortable loose tee and pair of sleep shorts, you collapsed into your bed, letting out a sigh. it didn’t take long, however, for you to reluctantly roll your body up due to the empty feeling in your stomach. you hadn’t eaten since your lunch break, but the idea of cooking made your shoulders sag down.
you figured your week was hard enough that you deserved take-out. you also figured that nam-gyu likely hadn’t eaten anything since you left your leftover lunch in the fridge yesterday— you had known he wouldn’t cook something himself and managed to cook too much once again anyways.
after allowing your feet to guide you down the unfamiliar track to nam-gyu’s bedroom, your hand froze in place hearing what sounded like.. your name? you held your breath at the sound, leaning closer to the door. it was, most definitely, your name being called— or really, more so whined, accompanied by soft gasps and erratic breathing.
was nam-gyu…crying? you remembered your thoughts earlier, and your heart felt pained at the idea. you considered your options. you could let nam-gyu struggle, possibly risking him doing something he would regret, or you could try and offer him help. or he could scream at you for intruding and never speak to you again.
you can’t keep allowing him to suffer alone, you reasoned with yourself and slowly turned the doorknob, but what you were meeting with was not a sobbing nam-gyu.
instead, the man lay on his bed with his eyes screwed shut and mouth slacked open, with one hand clutching his bedsheets and the other.. fisted around his cock at a nonforgiving pace. the very sight made you gasp, causing nam-gyu’s eyes to shoot open in your direction.
“holy shit!” he exclaimed, quickly pulling his blanket to cover himself.
you clapped your hands over your eyes, “fuck, i’m sorry!”
you heard nam-gyu swearing to himself quietly, and everything in you wanted to run back to your room in embarrassment, but something kept your feet planted to the ground. slowly, you peeled your hand from your eyes, looking at nam-gyu once more.
his entire body was flushed, and the shocked yet dazed in his eyes made your breath quicken. “i— why are you just standing there?!” he implored, eyes flicking over your face.
“you… were saying my name, right?” you ask breathlessly, and nam-gyu went rigid.
“what? no! no, no, no, of course not i was just—”
“you don’t have to lie.” you took a step closer.
“no, i— i wasn’t i swear. you’re my fucking roommate i wouldn’t—”o“really?” you cut him off again, analyzing his stressed expression. the furrowed eyebrows, sweaty skin, glossy eyes. “huh. i wish you were, though.”
“huh!? what do you— are you fucking with me?”
“no. i wish you were whimpering my name while you jack off.” your voice was uncharacteristically level, yet your heart was beating out of your chest. you couldn’t, however, let this opportunity pass. the idea of him wanting you excited you to no end, and it certainly helped that he looked so pretty like this.
“are you serious?” nam-gyu whispered, trying to detect if you were lying.
“of course. you don’t have to say yes but, i could.. help you out, if you wanted me to...”
all it took was a breathy “please..” for you to join nam-gyu on his bed. slowly, you eased his covers off of him, taking in the sight that transfixed you. his cock was pretty, with a flushed tip and a dribble of pre leaking out of it. what arosed you more, though, was his tear filled eyes and quivering lips.
“you’re entirely sure you want this?” you confirmed.
“yes, god, please. ‘want you more than anything.”
your thighs clenched together at his words. not taking your eyes off of his own, you wrapped your hand around the base of his length, and started to slowly move it up and down. nam-gyu let out a whine at the touch, his eyes casting to the ceiling.
your thumb swiped across his tip before continuing your movements. “doin’ so well, ‘gyu. keep looking at me, yeah?” you could sense how heavily your words effected nam-gyu with how much louder he became.
“‘s so good. fuck, you’re so good. ‘been thinking about this f’so long”
your eyes shot open in surprise. “really? how long, baby?”
“since i fucking meet you. fucking hell when i saw you, ah, in that towel i almost came right there”
your eyes rolled back at his words. he had always wanted you? while you were worried out of your mind about his well-being, he was undressing you in his mind? “fuck..” you murmured, feeling your own breath start to become rushed.
nam-gyu’s whines and groans turned into moans as you kept at your pace. you felt transfixed as your other hand traced his collarbone, feeling his erratic heartbeat in the center of his flushed chest. you knew that your heartbeat matched.
you could tell in the way his cock twitched and his body shook that nam-gyu was close. what made your breath hitch, though, was his own hand snaking up his chest to lace with your own, desperately. as if the touch was what he needed.
“shit, i’m—” nam-gyu came with a gasp, his chest heaving under your hands entwined, where he squeezed your hand with intensity.
“fuck, so good f’me..” you murmured, transfixed on the sight, your thumb rubbing circles on his hand with care.
nam-gyu opened his eyes with caution. “holy shit..” he breathed out, a pretty serene trace in his features that fought with the confusion he still had. “why did you—?”
you felt oddly struck with emotion. your hand tightened around his. “…i wanted to. i want to.. be here. with you. i’m— i’m sorry this is sappy at the wrong time but— i’ve been thinking about you for so long. please— let me be here..? you can use me however you want. even if it’s just a shitty handjob, i want to—”
“stop.” fear and embarrassment clogged up your chest. just as you we going to start apologizing, nam-gyu slowly brought your hand to his mouth, leaving a shaky kiss that left your skin sparkling in its wake. “i want you too. i’ve always wanted you. more than fucking sex. i—i’ve been scared as hell lately about everything but you.. you make me want to try.”
you felt speechless.
“i’m an asshole and you— you don’t deserve that. but,” nam-gyu had a pleading look in his eyes as he sat up, other hand cupping your warm cheek, “i want you. let me prove it.”
you couldn’t hold back yourself from letting the space between you close, groaning quietly as you felt his lips soft on yours. you felt his sincerity. you hadn’t before realized the care you held for nam-gyu had manifested into something so strong, but you felt a wash of relief as you let yourself bathe in the honesty that had bubbled out from between the two of you.
nam-gyu was first to pull away, and he looked at you with care and urgency in his eyes, “tomorrow i’ll take you out on a date. we— fuck— can figure everything out then, but right now i need more of you.”
“then take me.”
#nam-gyu#nam gyu x reader#squid game#squid game x reader#nam gyu x you#nam gyu imagine#squid game imagine#nam gyu smut#player 124#player 124 x reader#squid game smut
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I am a trans man who abandoned my previous account because i needed to leave the community.
The trauma and self hatred runs so deep that despite it being months i still can't think of my masculinity as anything other than wrong. Not just that, but leaving made me happier. Not having community made me happier. Think about that.
At least now I can see i deserve better. But it's hard knowing that my love and support was so summarily rejected by the transfems on this site.
i'm really sorry you've had to go through this, anon. you shouldn't have to do that
the thing is people don't realize that while this online fighting is pointless, it does hurt people. and it can cause genuine trauma because it IS abuse. abuse doesn't have to occur in person to be legitimate. a lot of acts of abuse and violence can be committed remotely with modern technology. basically anywhere people can interact, abuse can happen. this is actually hurting and scarring people in real ways and we need to acknowledge this
Not just that, but leaving made me happier. Not having community made me happier. Think about that.
the fucked up thing is i feel the exact same way. i interact with community on here in order to educate but outside of this, i currently do not interact with the queer community. once im off this blog, i'm not really interacting with queer community, i will talk to my queer friends and engage in my own queerness, but i am not thinking about the community for the vast majority of my day. i'm not interested in trying to casually go to a trans space and be misgendered all the time.
i immersed myself in my local punk community last year and all that happened to me was that i got a lot of hollow compliments, condescended to, talked over, fetishized, treated as a sex object, descriminated against, had people stop respecting me the instant they found out i was a trans man, had people try to tranny chase me for being a trans man with a vagina, got called too whiny and emotional, got accused of hating trans women because i'm a transmasc lesbian, got mocked for not having a penis, watched my roommate treat me with annoyance that wasn't there prior, felt alienated in my own home, and just in general felt ashamed that i wasn't an amab trans woman, because those were the only trans people who hung out there for any substantial amount of time
the transmascs and trans men never hung around for too long. the majority of the trans punks who showed up were transfem. like. almost all of them. it was rare to find another transmasc, and i can work a crowd, i don't feel scared or uncomfortable in crowds, so i will talk to just about anyone who acknowledges my presence. i met so many transfem punks that i've lost count, and about 3 or 4 transmascs. it frustrated me and took a while for me to realize why. that place was deeply transandrophobic. the regulars did not treat transmascs with kindness. i was actually sexually assaulted by one of the transfems there multiple times, and had another that was trying to come on to me because i have to do stretches for my lower back or else it locks up, and she saw this as an invitation for sex. my ex gf started treating me completely differently the second she discovered i didn't have a penis, to the point of actually progressing to yelling at me for being too whiny and emotional. the cis gay men that were there would talk about how breasts and vaginas were gross because they were gay men right next to me.
after leaving that community i feel so much better. i'm basically on my own, i don't mind it, that's how i like to live my life as a schizophrenic person, but outside of the way i interact with the community as someone who participates in education and activism, i don't really interact with queer communities. i'm tired of being harassed, targeted, insulted, misgendered, sexualized, and getting sexually assaulted.
this is the really sad truth right now. transmascs and trans men in particular usually live outside of queer communities. we are so alienated. that's the entire reason people think we don't exist. it's because so many people will not let us exist inside of queer spaces, so we have to live elsewhere. so many trans men end up having to have mostly cishet friends to avoid drama and harassment. it's not that we don't exist- it's that a lot of people just will not let us take up space in queer communities long enough for people to see how many of us there are. there are a lot of us, but we aren't being allowed to exist inside of queer spaces, so people trick themselves into thinking we're not real trans people
you do deserve better. i hope in time the trans community learns to treat trans men better. you don't deserve to have to alienate yourself like that, but that's just how things are right now. take care of yourself. you're important even if people don't want you to feel like you are.
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among enemies
request here
paring : rafe cameron x male reade
genre : smut
warnings : +18MDNI, masturbation, smut, oral sex(r!receiving), dirty-talk, suck, blowjob(r!receiving)
a/n : It takes place in the 4th season, so i hope you like it
You and Rafe never got along, maybe because you were a kook who was always involved in adventures with the other pogues, just like his sister, Sarah who by the way was your best friend.
Rafe never put up with being by your side and you always felt the same too, maybe it was because of what happened between you when you were younger but that's not the point now.
But by a chance of fate (or just another treasure hunt of your pogues friends) you were stuck here in a boat sleeping in the same room as rafe cameron himself, because the other couples did the favor of occupying the other rooms.
You had needs, that was obvious, it had been weeks since you were in self sea, it had been weeks since you gave yourself a little moment of fun and pleasure that only you knew how good it was. You needed it, but the occasion didn't give you the freedom you needed, until one night the desire won the situation and here you are.
3 A.M -
Your cock was screaming inside your shorts and you needed to relieve yourself a little. You looked over at your roommate (your enemy) who seemed to be sleeping like a rock, "so what's wrong with it?" You thought.
In a quick and silent movement you pulled your underwear down, finally releasing your member that had been throbbing for a long time, the pre-cum leaking drawing a thin and transparent line while you took off your boxer.
You started pumping your dick, finally feeling the relief you've been waiting for so long, you put the sheet in your mouth to drown out the involuntary moans that could come out of your mouth. You pumped your cock feeling the pleasure that wonderful sensation brought to your body, the chills, the feeling of relief... until, you felt like a pair of eyes on you.
So you opened your eyes and, your roommate that you thought was sleeping, was looking at you with his eyes going from your member to your face, he didn't seem to be uncomfortable or any other adjective used for that, he was... admiring....?
"Are you enjoying what sees?" You ask with a slight smile, he takes his eyes going to yours "you're really a slut, aren't you? You can't even hold on for a week" he said staring at you.
"A man has his needs" you murmured biting your lips to muffle a moan "you don't even bother to do it somewhere else huh? But since we're here and I'm a man and maybe I also have my needs, let me give you a hand , yes?"
Without waiting for an answer rafe got out of his bed going towards his "just to be clear" rafe murmured getting close "I still hate you, but that doesn't stop me from doing you a favor..." rafe murmured in your ear as he took your member and began to pump it with his own hands "are you enjoying it? Is it good like this?" He murmured looking at you "yes...fuck it...like that" you replied while squirming under him.
His eyes gleaming with a mix of triumph and desire. His hand slipped under your shirt, his fingers trailing across your skin, leaving chills in their wake. "I'll make sure you never forget this" he murmured.
Rafe captured your lips in a burning kiss, his tongue diving deep, claiming your mouth as his own. He crawled over you, his body covering yours, his eyes never leaving yours. "I've wanted this for so long…" he confessed, with a hoarse voice of emotion. "look at you..." Without warning, he leaned over, his tongue licking a slow and provocative strip of your length "You taste even better than I imagined"
Rafe's starting slow, taking his time, and savoring every inch of you. But as he heard your irregular breathing and felt the tension in your body, he quickened his pace, his movements growing more intense. his hand joined in, working in sync with his mouth, your body twisting with a mixture of pleasure and desire as you squirmed beneath him.
"Fuck...yes...good boy..." you sigh taking your hand to Rafe's face and caressing his cheek "fuc- so good for me..." you say. "Damn... you're so big in my mouth" he whispered, moving away briefly and looking at you with those dark and hungry eyes.
Rafe kept, his hands gripped your thighs, his nails lightly digging in and leaving marks. He softened his touch before taking one of your balls into his mouth, gently rolling it with his tongue. His eyes, filled with mischief, stayed locked on you, watching every shiver and moan that escaped your lips.
Rafe's gaze lifted to meet yours, his tongue swirling around the sensitive tip of your arousal. "You're close, aren't you?" he murmured, his voice sending vibrations against your member.
He took you deep, his nose pressing against your pelvis, His throat working around your thick shaft as he swallowed you. One hand grabbed your thigh, his nails digging into your skin, while the other slid to your mouth to stifle your moans.
"I want to taste you, I want you to fill my mouth with your sperm, you will cum for me" Rafe's moans vibrated around his cock the sound of his pleasure matching the physical sensations. You could feel the heat growing in his abdomen, the familiar tingling spreading through his body.
"I want to taste you, I want you to fill my mouth with your cum, I want you to cum for me." Rafe's moans vibrated against your cock, the sounds of his pleasure matching the physical sensations. You could feel the heat growing in your abdomen, the tingling spreading through your body.
"R-rafe... fuck..." your voice was a hoarse whisper, yours hands closed in the sheets, trying to maintain some appearance of control. "fuck I'm going...I'm going to cum...”
Rafe’s eyes met yours eyes, full of satisfaction to see you like this, completely undone. "That...I want" he growled, his hand and mouth working in perfect harmony around your member, rafe takes his free hand to your chest playing with your nipples.
Yours back arched upwards, your breath was short and panting as the pleasure increased. "Rafe! Fuck-Rafe!" With a last and suction. He swallowed every drop, a low moan of approval in his chest, his eyes never leaving of your face.
As the waves of pleasure diminished, Rafe gently moved away, kissing your length, he crawled up, kissing you "Damn, that was hot" he gasped, nibbling your lower lip.
#rafe cameron x male reader#drew starkey x male reader#male reader#m!reader#x male reader#drew starkey#drew starkey x reader#drew starkey x y/n#drew starkey x you#obx x male reader#obx x you#outerbanks x male reader#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x you#obx season 4#obx x y/n#outer banks x y/n#outer banks x male reader
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sometimes i get nishiki i really do
#snap chats#like from an outsider perspective it is utterly hilarious watching everything go wrong for him#BUT GIRL NOT ME STOP HAVING THIGNS GO WRONG FOR MEEEEEE WHAT IS ALL THIS#this month its actually one thing after another if i start wearing white everyone needs to be concerned#you guys remember my bullshit roommates yeah well TLDR im getting fined for their messes im going to SCREAM#I HATE IT HEERRRREEE I KNOW IM EVIL BUT CMON#literally had such a silly night last night and now everything sucks again is this life is this what life is#its not its not what life is im just hearing my mom bitching in the other room and im letting her vibes ruin mine#everything going to be ok this is just a hiccup .... a small pinprick in the tapestry of life ....#i am incredibly annoyed though cause this is one of those situations where youve done nothing wrong but youre being shot for it#its just unfair but whatever we ball ..... im putting the hair gel away guys im not slicking my hair back just yet ....#i got a new friend last night so maybe ill just hang with them later and ill remember life is beautiful ..#heh ... jk ... i can remind myself life is beautiful right now ... im gonna go eat some tiramisu ...#jesus christ i really do love italian food what the fuck. pasta / calamari / tiramisu#i dont think calamari is italian but i got it from an italian place w/e we get the picture#its not my fault that italy has good food ... i would just never go there .....#ok bye ima go eat and drink water now. water will remind me how beautiful life is ...
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Cards 👏 cards 👏 cards 👏 (Patreon)
#Doodles#Osmosis Jones#Damned#Ozzy#Drix#Thrax#You may remember my DAX card - cough - and also my Stanley card! Also cough huh actually lol#Stanley's looked much more like this tho#Which would be because they're all part of the same printed set!#I actually have another like dozen-ish of these#Might show 'em off in the end-of-year roundup 👀 But for now it's just these guys! The sillies!#In very legible ink lol - I can read it and they're my notes so that's the important bit#I think Thrax's last name would actually be ''Roja'' tho so that's on me#Also why is Drix called Drixenol when his full first name is Drixobenzometaphendramine - where's the L come from#I've been Jonesing - pun intended - to fill out Ozzy's ''personality'' section for aaaggesss#I keep trying to pick at a scene with him and it's just not turning out! Need an easy-overview of his traits and features lol#I did actually have a new idea after making these so I think I was onto something lol#He has a very fun character type ♪ He's oddly socially aware for how annoying he can be! He does it on purpose!!#Drix is the exact opposite so they're great contrasts to each other hehe <3 Drix Tries to be helpful and fumbles it but he's so earnest!#Also finally got me decided on their room placements - so much easier to coordinate them at Night with that square#They don't have roommates Yet but based on who was inhabiting which rooms originally....o3o It's an idea isn't it hmmm#I went and read Thrax's description on one of his wiki pages as well and he was described as ''Cold'' and I was like uhm???#Like yes he does kill in cold-blood - he's pretty unflinching and indiscriminate with what and who he aims his fire power at#But with his hot-headed attitude and overall heat aesthetic I have a difficult time calling him Cold exactly - cool for sure! Haha#But yeah I dunno about that - he's also a nerd which I find very fun haha sets up a powerpoint presentation for his thugs#And just ends up doing the main bit himself anyway! He just likes to talk about his plans hehehe#It really is double-fun to have them all from different points in their timelines ahh ♪ Who and what they know so fun to play in#The secret-keeping and surprises are my favourite part! Mismatch and uncertainty! Love that#I also had a lot of fun with their background splashes :) Ozzy gets blue cells - Drix gets his pills and some fizzles#And Thrax's cell-destroying fire and flames were stylized so cool! Also has a bit of a pollen look as well! I enjoy
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~
#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase#'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that#[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week#and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me#but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it#and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me#i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no#but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like#300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3#ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good#'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them
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The sheer desperation and frenzied manner that I keep telling myself “just one more week just one more week just one more week” to keep from snapping and going fucking insane is honestly getting concerning
#I think I’m just at my limit#in a lot of ways but mostly in the fact that I have literally been unable to exist#by myself somewhere peaceful and quiet in MONTHS now#like because she isn’t work she is ALWAYS home so I can’t even get a couple hours to myself every now and then#I wake up in the morning and she’s up stomping around and banging cabinet doors open and closed#and watching videos on her phone at such a loud volume I can hear it across the apartment with my door closed#I come home from work. same thing#I go to bed at night. same thing#does she ever FUCKING SLEEP????#like I’m sorry maybe it’s the autism and it wouldn’t bother most ppl as badly#but if I don’t get some actual genuinely quiet time to myself where I don’t have to hear/deal with another person#I feel like I’m gonna explode into shrapnel#also I’m not exaggerating I hear literally every step she takes because she stomps around#I feel so bad for the ppl who live before us#it just ties back to her being completely situationally unaware and inconsiderate of literally everyone else#like girl you try to be quiet for the sake of other ppl and the fact that you never learned this is astounding#also I’m so goddamn fucking sick of her cat it’s like he knows we’re leaving so he’s being as god awful as possible#he has ripped apart a lot of the boxes I’ve gotten for moving#and has been antagonizing my cat even MORE often and then morning she has scratches on her face from him 🙃#and yes this is while my roommate was out sitting on the couch and did fuck all to get him to stop#because she still thinks it’s funny and my cat is ‘just a bitchy girl who’s playing hard to get’#I need it to be the first so bad so so so so fucking bad GET ME OUT OF HEREEEEEEE#kaz rambles
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Hrmm... put together a roommates quiz finally after years of thinking it would be an interesting idea lol.. Though obviously not meant to be taken super seriously, I just like thinking about this aspect of personality compatibility. Like yeah, maybe you could get along with someone just chatting with them, but living together is such a different thing. .. curiouse...
#Not that I think that many people would really care since I barely know anyone on tumblr in real life and would never live with random#internet strangers lol but... idk.. I made this to give to friends from time to time and thought... why not post it here too#just out of sheer curiosity if anyone takes it what the most common results would be and etc.#My initial assumption is that most people would probably fall into the 'maybe' category and that either extreme of 'best roomates'#and 'worst roomates' would be the least common#very long also since I like to be thorough I guess#THOUGH... upon second thought... tumblr is home of the like Weird Introverts Who Sit Inside All The Time.. so maybe it's more#likely to come across compatible poeple on here. given that many of the questions are about how meticulous#people are with their scehdules or how often they invite friends over or if they like to mostly stay inside etc.#(since personally I think having a roommate coming and going and bringing random people over all the time would be too chaotic#lol... I need a peaceful quiet household)#Also I kind of don't like the way uquiz seems to do results. I was hoping it would be a number tally? I used some sort of quiz making site#before where you weight the question responses with a number (so the 'Best' response is worth a 0#The worst is worth like 5 points. and all the in between are like 1 - 4 points or something). So then it is actually possible to have a#''perfect score'' category (someone who gets a literal 0 points). and also you could weight some EXTREMELY bad answers#to add like +10 to the score instead of just +5. And someone who got the MAX possible points would be the WORST compatibility. etc.#But uquiz seems to just be like ''which category did you score towards the MOST'. So someone can give some pretty bad answers#that are VERY non compatible. but as long as MOST of their answers landed in a 'compatible' category#then they would still be listed as compatible despite still actually having some dealbreakers in there. Which is also possible with the#'every answer is a number amount' ranking system too. but I feel like that one does allow for a little more customization#and accuracy (like making the dealbreakers add like...+40 to the score or something so that#there's basically NO way that someone could answer with one of those and still get a good score. Or the ability to have a literal#'perfect score' (getting a zero) etc.#BUt anyway lol... inchresting.. inchresting... curious to consider maybe making a uquiz#for the characters in the gameI'm making like.. which npc are you type quiz or something#now that I've made one and seen how it works.. hrmm hrmm....#(< game will not even be done for like another year but still thinking about nonsense like this lol)
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Delighted to announce that my story has officially reached novella length! I truly didn't think it would get this far, and didn't think I would be able to stick with it to get it this long. According to Wikipedia, a novella is 17,500-40,000 words, and I'm currently at 17,714. And I'm going to keep writing for awhile tonight. I'm just super proud of this
#the goal was always for it to be a novella so i looked up how long a novella is#i didnt think id make it. i didnt think id get half as far as i have#but i might actually finish this#to be clear. its just a first draft. its rough and i need to polish it#and bring in more detail#work on the intricacies of the magic#change some names. i dont like my main character's name but i didnt want that to hold me up so i gave her a placeholder#and there are three other prominent characters. i just named them on the spot#for some reason it ended up being the name of my old roommate's gf. the name of my gf. and the name of a friend's crush#so i need to change that up. but mostly i didnt want to get hung up on names. i can change them later#really need to change the mc's name though. i dont like it and it doesnt fit her#and thats not even a main priority considering the magic system and the notes that are just (speaks some language. maybe latin)#or (ritual happens)#whoch is fine for a first draft. which im fairly close to being done with actually#i got the idea from the ttrpg Unknown Armies. specifically the campaign im in#as well as babylove and honeybloods by i.s. belle#and honeybloods is based off of Jennifer's Body so we're all just taking inspiration from others and making it our own#anyway im done yapping for now. gonna go see about performing another ritual that will just be written as (exorcism happens)
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Thinking about how far I've come from being that terrified 18 year-old, fresh out of an abusive household, having flashbacks and hiding in closets while I cried and panicked for hours
#the ptsd is always worst right after you get out#thankfully i had wonderful roommates and friends#one time a roommate of mine discovered me having a flashback in a closet and asked me if i was okay#i answered honestly and said no and they were just so accommodating and understanding#they asked if i needed anything or if i wanted to be alone for a bit and i said i wanted to be aloe#i was so scared of everything. so scared of people. so scared of being discovered#i was so embarrassed that my roommate had seen me like that but when i finally ventured out about an hour later#i discovered my roommate had told another one of my roommates what was happening and she made me tea and soup#and encouraged me to talk to her#it was so nice#ive been through a lot of pain but ive also been through a lot of healing
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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back on my bullshit
and by bullshit i mean "rewatch MCD for the millionth time in a row and resist the urge to make an MCD OC"
i have yet to succeed in my bullshit.
#minecraft diaries#*makes another MCD Oc for the nth time and pairs them up with garroth*#he's my special baby boy#latest MCD oc is Skyen. they have a fantasy version of permanent photokeratitis and is the one who discovered Garroth outside of PD back#when he first ran away. and they were ✨Roommates✨. smth smth Garroth never shows his face to anyone but Sky and yet Sky is the only one#who can never see him. their blindness concept is admittedly ripped straight out of an old SkyArmy deviantart comic i read way back when.#they can technically 'see' except thats relative because they can barely see past their nose IF they hold their hand up to their face and#block out the light. they wear a bandana around their eyes and unlike AARON has an actual REASOn for it bc if they dont they get really bad#headaches and their eyes hurt due to being really sensitive to the light. they were taken in by an old man who lived in PD and taught them#how to deal with their blindness and essentially daredevilled their ass (also ripped off the SkyArmy Comic). they're still blind as fuck th#so while the heightened senses and training helped. they still like. need help with stuff they normally wouldn't if they had their sight.#they left PD to go traveling after the Old Man died when he and garroth were 18-19 and returned sometime after Aphmau became lord.#WHEN that is. i have not decided. there are a lot of options available for their return but im leaning towards 'before Donna's wedding but#AFTER garroth gets shot'#Skyen refers to Garroth as 'my friend' affectionately and Garroth does the same. they return to living with one another after skyen returns#and one of the first things they do is sit down with garroth and trace his face to feel if anything changed. which there has.#Skyen 🤝 Laurance: Blind Buddies!#Skyen helps Laurance adjust to blindness and lends him one of their bandanas to cover his eyes. Laurance jokes its because nobody wants to#see his eyes. Skyen dryly tells him that when he inevitably gets sand in his face he'll be thankful there was something to protect#his eyes against it. can you tell that i've thought a lot about this
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The irony of stores selling "stim toys" or "sensory toys" and then blasting pop music really loudly and having bright, fluorescent lights, or even flashing lights...Really seems they think "stim/sensory" means "'satisfying' to watch on the video app du jour" and not what it actually means.
#source: my roommate is autistic and I'm neurodivergent but not autistic...#...and there are a few stores where even if she has her noise-cancelling headphones and even sunglasses...#...the store is too loud and too bright despite their line of 'sensory friendly toys'...#...and I often reach a point with the blasting music and get overwhelmed...it's just too much#So it really feels like they have no idea who actually benefits from stim/sensory items and why#It's just another fad to retailers they can market of off...#Not sorry that when I go to shop I need to not have the latest pop music blaring down at me so I can form a thought...#...instead of leaving the store feeling drained and dazed
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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It Is So Fucking Expensive To Live Out Here
#the housemate who brought up us paying more of the rent is coming home today and i am quite frankly.#a little terrified.#i cant pay any more than i already do. at least not until i get another job#which. made email contact with my potential caseworker yesterday and she will hopefully be calling me soon#kiiinda hoping i can get help with a rental voucher of some kind#i like living out here but Christ.#anyway. it's not like this housemate can actually make me (or my roommate) pay any more than we do#we have everything in writing i'm pretty sure#i need to double check#but he can probably make me miserable#so that's fun !#like we split rent by size of room#so the single room [redacted] and i share is uhhh. $975 or so#but we each pay half that because we share the room#the other two housemates pay $725 and $675 for their rooms#Christ just typing those is awful#like we could *maybe* pay $500 each for our room. $1000 for a shared bedroom.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#^ having An Time#love being Insane. its so fun how it makes it extremely difficult to have a job.#i miss washing dishes :(
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