#then they would still be listed as compatible despite still actually having some dealbreakers in there. Which is also possible with the

[icewindandboringhorror]

Hrmm... put together a roommates quiz finally after years of thinking it would be an interesting idea lol.. Though obviously not meant to be taken super seriously, I just like thinking about this aspect of personality compatibility. Like yeah, maybe you could get along with someone just chatting with them, but living together is such a different thing. .. curiouse...

[dxmedstudent]

Dx’s Dating Tips #3 -The Profile

This post is about profiles as a whole - the bits and bobs that may not necessarily be in your blurb. Funnily enough, I started these posts months and months ago when I was still actively on those sites. Guess it took me a long time to hit my drafts and publish them, but I think it’s still useful.

 Fill in the most useful fields, but don’t wory about listing every minute detail. Some dating sites really seem to go into incredible detail, because data is currency for them. But think carefully about how much information you are putting into your profile, and whether it’s going to look overwhelming and cluttering and hard to read. For example, you can put your hobbies, but stick to things that are most important to you, rather than something you tried, once. But this also means you really should spend some time making your profile actually complete and worthy of being read.

And yes, this also means try not to overstate how much you do things. If someone decided to date you because they thought you liked rock climbing as much as they do, they’ll probably be pretty bummed when they discover you tried it once, took a selfie, then hated it and would never want to try again. Being genuine about what you enjoy is key to finding people with similar interests or people who will respect you for yours. 

It also means don’t understate things you do, either. If you smoke and drink, own it. Both those things might be dealbreakers for a lot of people, but you need someone who is compatible to you. For example, lots of people who like to go out drinking want partners who will share that experience with them, whereas people who don’t enjoy that particular pursuit might not want to spend all their dates being dragged round a club with their new SO and their friends whilst they all get plastered. Personally, I’m happy that the guy I’m seeing also doesn’t drink much, and doesn’t smoke; both would be dealbreakers for me, and equally, I wouldn’t want to feel like the ‘stick in the mud’ partner who doesn’t have fun. So I looked for someone with a similar definition of ‘fun’ to me.  I heard of couples where one partner pretended not to smoke for the longest time because they knew their SO didn’t want to date a smoker, and I just found that to be such a sad deceit. Give prospective partners an honest chance to see if you are for them. I was quite open early on about my shifts, and my current sightly nomadic lifestyle in medicine; I talk quite a bit about work when dating, it turns out! Really, I want anyone who dates me to know what they are getting into; I don’t want them to feel tricked. Anyhow, despite all my talking about death and medicine, and having less than ideal timetables it seems I can’t put everyone off, and I’m truly honoured to have met someone for whom those parts of my life are part of the deal.

Be honest about your attributes, including things like your body type and height. Yes, it’s  silly if someone will only date men over 6ft or women under 80kg, but nevertheless, you’ll want to look for people who will love you for who you are, rather than resent people for wanting something else. It’s pointless to argue with people about what they have decided are their preferences. So many men obscure their height on dating sites because they fear women won’t date a short man, and really tall guys say that women only really want a man who’s somewhere between 5ft 9 and 6ft 2 or so - above or below that, apparently people get put off. But if a woman’s that judgemental they’ll just probably get dumped after the first date, so ultimately lying is still pointless. I personally didn’t care about height at all; some people I met didn’t list their height at all and it didn’t faze me (yep, they were short, no, that’s not the reason there wasn’t a second date). But I think people being honest about their height, particularly if they are pretty short, or pretty tall, is a pretty brave, confident thing to do. You deserve someone who accepts and loves you for whoever you are.

This also includes things like whether you’ve been married or have kids by a previous relationship. Again, if someone isn’t prepared to deal with that, then they aren’t right for you. These are the kinds of things that work best if gotten out of the way early on, because the later you leave revealing big things like this, the more people will feel like important things are being concealed from them. This also means being honest early on (I’d say during messages or around the first or second date) if you’ve just recently come out of a breakup; be prepared that other people might want to take it slow because they aren’t sure if you still have a lot of issues from your last relationship, or they might want to wait until you have taken some time to think and heal after your breakup. For example, one guy mentioned his ex turning up uninvited to events during messaging. He effectively invited me to join his gaming group on a date, having told me that his ex still plays with his gaming group. Now, if I’m dating someone yes, I’d love to meet their friends after a while, but intitially you just want to get to know a person by themselves. I don’t want high romance, but I don’t really want to turn into ‘one of the boys’ after the second date, either.  And no, I don’t want to meet their very recent ex at these get togethers, nor do I want to replace her in his gaming group that soon; it all came across as likely to cause drama and hurt to everyone. I thought he would make a genuinely good friend, if I had the time to pick up new friends but I couldn’t see it leading to anything more. He agreed that he still had things to process, and I really hope that he has taken that time, and found that space and that he meets someone lovely.  A few guys confided in me that they’d only recently got into dating after long breaks from dating or after a breakup and I don’t think it makes you less dateable, as long as you can make it clear that you are now ready to date and are serious about it, and have gotten to the point where it won’t massively hamper your current dating. Alternatively, if all you want to do is dip your feet in, and you don’t want anything serious then it’s good to be honest about that too; because there are lots of people who are happy with that.

If you’re in an open relationship, be honest. And no, it’s not an open relationship unless your current partner is aware and OK with you seeing other people, and all prospective new interests are also aware of the situation. Keeping anyone in equation in the dark is wrong. Yes, that might eliminate a lot of people, since a lot of people aren’t into that, but lying is not cool, and implicating people in things that would make them uncomfortable is also wrong. Be warned that if you have no photo, or have really blurry obscured photos, everyone is going to assume that you’re either cheating or on the run from the police. I came across one profile where the only picture was the dude in a literal balaclava. I don’t know how he thought he’d attract a woman with a photo that reveals none of his face, but who knows, maybe he got lucky.

 Don’t lie about things like whether you want to get married, have kids etc. This is where acting in good faith comes in; tell people the truth, not what you think they want to hear. You need to find people who will want the same things as you, and people can’t do that if nobody is honest. Now, this is the real world, and a lot of people can’t necessarily fit their feelings into a neat ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to those questions. If you aren’t sure, it’s OK to be honest about that; many people just want to see where things go, and that’s perfectly fine. Some people like the idea of these things, but really want to focus on meeting someone right first. Others are pretty sure that they want to be married in like, 2 years, tops, with a kid on the way. Personally, people who are super-keen to marry or have kids soon kind of scare me a little, even though I want those things, because I very much want to take things at whatever pace things come, so I struggled to know exactly how to put that across in my profile. Lying also makes things more difficult for everyone. Some people want casual relationships, but struggle to find others who are open about it. Meanwhile, lots of people who really just want casual setups (and mainly, well, sex) absolutely pretend that they are interested in much more, because they think people won’t give them a chance if they don’t go through the performance of pretending to eventually want a relationship. The thing to remember about people who lie is that it’s easy to promise the world if you have no intention of delivering. So it’s worth bearing in mind that if someone is talking about marriage and kids on like date 3, they might be very, very keen, or they might just be counting on the fact that’s what you want to hear. I wish I could tell you it was easy to tell the two apart. Having seen enough people get hurt by people who claimed to want one thing, but clearly wanted another, I have a hard time trusting what people write in these particular boxes until you really get to know a person.

I don’t think stating how much you earn is important, in fact, I wouldn’t. If you earn a lot of money, the last thing you want is someone who’s sought you out just because they thought you were rich. And yet, a lot of guys post pics next to shiny cars, mention how much their brand new house cost, and write about their summer homes and salary. Some of them even write explicitly that they aren’t into uh... people who are trying to take advantage of that. But that’s no use if your profile just reads like one long advert about how wealthy you are. I don’t know why people who are wealthy often feel they have to make it obvious, but it’s really not necessary. If you want someone to love you for who you are, not your money, then don’t hide behind your wealth, or use it as bait to attract people.  If you emphasise only what you bring financially, you will attract people who value you only for that. The easiest way to avoid that is just to be discreet.  I didn’t mention what I do or what I earn explicitly in my profile at all; only that I work in healthcare. I love and respect my nurses and physios; any man who’d date a doctor but not a nurse isn’t someone I want in my life.I’d never lie about what I do, but I didn’t think there was anything to be gained by boasting about it. I want someone to date me and find it cool that I happen to be a doctor, rather than someone to be dating me because they think doctors are smart, or rich or the kind of girl their parents want etc.

If you’re really stuck, I’d say that it’s a good idea to take a look at the profiles of people of your gender, to see what other people do, and work out which cliches to avoid. Looking at other profles  of any gender can be a great way to see the difference between an interesting profile and a dull one. You’ll find that the more you look at profiles and date, the more you’ll build an idea of what you like (and want) and what you really don’t.  I started out fairly neutral and doing my best to be forgiving, but  found that I gained strong opinions on what makes a good profile after perusing so many of them.

[travisandersondatingblog]

Relationship Standards: How to Set Them to Attract the Right Man

If you want to lower your relationship standards when you go out and meet men, try this.

Rip 10 shots of Fireball in under 2 minutes. Then you won’t feel feelings anymore. Trust me.

Your standards will vanish into the air like an eagle flying through the night!

On the other hand…if you do want to have high standards for the people you surround yourself with, and of course, the men you end up in a relationship with, I’ve got some advice that’s a bit different.

My goal with this video and article is to help you establish high relationship standards to attract true love…not to settle.

Your Coach,

      P.S. Once you’ve learned how to set those high relationship standards, join my Attract the One Academy. In just 10 weeks, I’ll teach you how to attract love without having to chase it, and find a man ready to commit to you!

Introduction

When I say “lowering your standards,” what comes to mind?

Most people assume it means going out and meeting people — ugly people — and hooking up with them because you’re drunk (and maybe don’t care so much about his looks).

But honestly, that’s not that the end of the world. If you’ve ever done that, if you’ve woken up next to someone who legitimately looks 5 points less attractive than they were the night before…the world kept turning, right? You probably learned your lesson fast (don’t talk to men after 10 shots of Fireball!).

But this isn’t about stupid one-night mistakes. I want to talk about what it really means to hold standards for finding love, and how to avoid lowering them as you go through the dating process which, admittedly, can be quite frustrating, especially if you’re 40 (or older) and single again.

The way I teach my relationship coaching clients, as well as the Sexy Confidence community, about setting relationship standards is by looking at it from two angles: one is people standards, and the other is relationship standards.

Let me explain.

1. People Standards

If you’re fighting, you’ve lowered your standards.

Think about the people you choose to invest your time in. In general, you’d like to think you have pretty high standards. Your friends are rock stars, so why would you lower your standards when it comes to the men you date?

When it comes to lowering your standards, most people kind of assume it happens overnight.

You, swiping on a dating app:

Nope, He’s ugly. Moving on!

Nope, he’s fat. Moving on!

Ooh, he’s hot, a doctor, and has a great 401K and a vacation house in Cape Cod. I’ll go for him! 

In that moment, you feel good about yourself for upholding your “high standards.” After all, what could be higher than a successful doctor?

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t work that way.

The lowering of your standards is a gradual chiseling away. It’s a slow process.

In the example above: when it comes to that doctor, who looked fabulous on the dating app, you find out down the road that he’s a total jerk. Oh, and he’s got a pretty nasty drinking problem. Oh and then it turns out he doesn’t like to have sex and has gay porn search history on his laptop.

So…clearly what you thought was you having high standards when you totally judged this guy based on his dating profile didn’t end up being the truth. And actually, you would have low standards if you stuck with this guy, despite the fact that he didn’t meet any of your criteria for a partner other than his social status.

Your standards might creep down slowly. At first, you ignore how much he drinks because, hey, you like your bubbly too. You might choose to ignore what an ass he is to waiters when you’re out together. And before long, you look at the list of things that you’re deliberately overlooking, and that list is a lot longer than this guy’s positive attributes.

Having high people standards doesn’t just mean weeding people out immediately…quite the opposite in fact. It means being open-minded at first to lots of different people, but being quick to leave a guy when you do find out that he’s not upholding the relationship standard you’ve set for yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself About Your People Standards

via GIPHY

So…where do your people standards fall right now?

If you have no problem attracting great guys, you probably can afford to be picky. But maybe you’ve had trouble meeting men (online and offline), and so whenever you do meet someone, you’re willing to come down in your standards quite a bit. It’s a date, right?? You don’t have to marry him!

While that’s absolutely true, and I do want to encourage you to loosen your expectation about the kind of man who will make you happy, sit for a minute for a quick gut check. Is there something you’re already ignoring just because you want to go on a date? Maybe he said something racist in your dating app and you chose to overlook it. Maybe he smokes, and usually, that’s a dealbreaker, but you decided maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

You know your full-stop dealbreakers and relationship standards. (Interestingly, a study in the U.K. showed that for 71% of people, lack of cleanliness is the biggest dealbreaker when dating). If you have never, ever dated a smoker, do you really think this guy could be so magical that you’d forget how it makes you cough and your eyes water? Do you think he maybe didn’t mean the incredibly racist thing he said?

You hear me.

Rather than letting people slide initially, know the baseline of what you’re looking for in a man. He should be kind. Witty. Maybe into travel or cooking (though those might be nice-to-haves). It really shouldn’t matter what kind of job he has or what he drives because you know what? In the long run, those things can go away. But who he is as a person will never really change.

And if a guy starts out seeming great, don’t necessarily assume that’s the whole story. We tend to let people see more of who we really are over time, so you might learn in the weeks after you meet a man that he’s not as perfect as he first seemed. The key is reminding yourself of those high people standards and realizing that he’s never going to meet them.

2. Relationship Standards

Always have high standards for the relationship you’re in.

For the second aspect of having high standards, we look at relationship standards. Realize: you can have high people standards but low relationship standards.

Let me explain: sometimes you can choose a good guy to date, but still, the relationship doesn’t work. It’s neither of your faults. You just aren’t compatible. It’s like some chemicals. Some combine to form unique substances, while others are toxic and highly combustible. Consider that you’re one of those chemicals. It’s only natural that you won’t combine well with everyone you date.

This is the worst, to me. You know the guy you’re dating is amazing. You know you’re not sweeping any of his negative attributes under the rug. So why does this relationship not work?? That’s just how it is, my dear. I’m truly sorry.

Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Relationship Standards

So how can you set high relationship standards?

Be aware of how the two of you work together…or don’t.

Are you constantly fighting? Do you always want a night away from him? That’s probably a sign that you’re not jibing.

And it may not be that you argue a lot. It may be that you want different things for the future. Maybe you don’t want to get remarried, but he’s looking for his next wife…and mother of his children. Maybe your career comes first right now, and it’s just too hard to manage a healthy relationship and work at this point in your life.

Upholding your high relationship standards means you might have to leave a really great guy because he’s not what you need (nor are you what he needs). It can be tough, and it can hurt both of you, but it’s better to end the relationship now before you lower your relationship standards any further.

Conclusion:

What you choose to accept sets the course for your path to love.

The first step to establishing both those people and relationship standards is truly believing that you are a high-value woman. You have to believe that you are worth whatever standards you set, and that slipping on those standards only means you’re feeling less than confident.

Make a list of those relationship standards, if it helps to keep them in the forefront of your mind. When you’re dating a new guy, refer back to that list. Is he hitting the mark on most of them, or have you already started lowering your standards?

And as your relationship develops, consider whether the two of you are really compatible in personality and life goals. That’s really important for finding a long-term and loving relationship.

The bravest thing you’ll have to do is end it with a man who isn’t meeting either your people standards or your relationship standards. He may not understand why you’re ending what he sees as a great thing. But the fact is: he may have lower standards. Or, you’re wonderful, so of course, his standards are getting met! But still: be true to yourself and your own needs. That’s the only way you will find true love.

So please comment below: (be honest!) have you ever lowered your standards with men? How’d it end up?

In Part 2 of this article, I give you 5 questions to ask a guy on a date to find out if he’s good for you so you don’t have to waste a single second on the wrong guy who doesn’t meet your relationship standards! Thing is…I can only offer this exclusive content to my Sexy Confident members. No worries: you can join here.

The post Relationship Standards: How to Set Them to Attract the Right Man appeared first on Sexy Confidence.

from Meet Positives SM Feed 3 https://ift.tt/2EQ3Qta via IFTTT

[fayecallasdatingblog]

Relationship Standards: How to Set Them to Attract the Right Man

If you want to lower your relationship standards when you go out and meet men, try this.

Rip 10 shots of Fireball in under 2 minutes. Then you won’t feel feelings anymore. Trust me.

Your standards will vanish into the air like an eagle flying through the night!

On the other hand…if you do want to have high standards for the people you surround yourself with, and of course, the men you end up in a relationship with, I’ve got some advice that’s a bit different.

My goal with this video and article is to help you establish high relationship standards to attract true love…not to settle.

Your Coach,

      P.S. Once you’ve learned how to set those high relationship standards, join my Attract the One Academy. In just 10 weeks, I’ll teach you how to attract love without having to chase it, and find a man ready to commit to you!

Introduction

When I say “lowering your standards,” what comes to mind?

Most people assume it means going out and meeting people — ugly people — and hooking up with them because you’re drunk (and maybe don’t care so much about his looks).

But honestly, that’s not that the end of the world. If you’ve ever done that, if you’ve woken up next to someone who legitimately looks 5 points less attractive than they were the night before…the world kept turning, right? You probably learned your lesson fast (don’t talk to men after 10 shots of Fireball!).

But this isn’t about stupid one-night mistakes. I want to talk about what it really means to hold standards for finding love, and how to avoid lowering them as you go through the dating process which, admittedly, can be quite frustrating, especially if you’re 40 (or older) and single again.

The way I teach my relationship coaching clients, as well as the Sexy Confidence community, about setting relationship standards is by looking at it from two angles: one is people standards, and the other is relationship standards.

Let me explain.

1. People Standards

If you’re fighting, you’ve lowered your standards.

Think about the people you choose to invest your time in. In general, you’d like to think you have pretty high standards. Your friends are rock stars, so why would you lower your standards when it comes to the men you date?

When it comes to lowering your standards, most people kind of assume it happens overnight.

You, swiping on a dating app:

Nope, He’s ugly. Moving on!

Nope, he’s fat. Moving on!

Ooh, he’s hot, a doctor, and has a great 401K and a vacation house in Cape Cod. I’ll go for him! 

In that moment, you feel good about yourself for upholding your “high standards.” After all, what could be higher than a successful doctor?

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t work that way.

The lowering of your standards is a gradual chiseling away. It’s a slow process.

In the example above: when it comes to that doctor, who looked fabulous on the dating app, you find out down the road that he’s a total jerk. Oh, and he’s got a pretty nasty drinking problem. Oh and then it turns out he doesn’t like to have sex and has gay porn search history on his laptop.

So…clearly what you thought was you having high standards when you totally judged this guy based on his dating profile didn’t end up being the truth. And actually, you would have low standards if you stuck with this guy, despite the fact that he didn’t meet any of your criteria for a partner other than his social status.

Your standards might creep down slowly. At first, you ignore how much he drinks because, hey, you like your bubbly too. You might choose to ignore what an ass he is to waiters when you’re out together. And before long, you look at the list of things that you’re deliberately overlooking, and that list is a lot longer than this guy’s positive attributes.

Having high people standards doesn’t just mean weeding people out immediately…quite the opposite in fact. It means being open-minded at first to lots of different people, but being quick to leave a guy when you do find out that he’s not upholding the relationship standard you’ve set for yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself About Your People Standards

via GIPHY

So…where do your people standards fall right now?

If you have no problem attracting great guys, you probably can afford to be picky. But maybe you’ve had trouble meeting men (online and offline), and so whenever you do meet someone, you’re willing to come down in your standards quite a bit. It’s a date, right?? You don’t have to marry him!

While that’s absolutely true, and I do want to encourage you to loosen your expectation about the kind of man who will make you happy, sit for a minute for a quick gut check. Is there something you’re already ignoring just because you want to go on a date? Maybe he said something racist in your dating app and you chose to overlook it. Maybe he smokes, and usually, that’s a dealbreaker, but you decided maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

You know your full-stop dealbreakers and relationship standards. (Interestingly, a study in the U.K. showed that for 71% of people, lack of cleanliness is the biggest dealbreaker when dating). If you have never, ever dated a smoker, do you really think this guy could be so magical that you’d forget how it makes you cough and your eyes water? Do you think he maybe didn’t mean the incredibly racist thing he said?

You hear me.

Rather than letting people slide initially, know the baseline of what you’re looking for in a man. He should be kind. Witty. Maybe into travel or cooking (though those might be nice-to-haves). It really shouldn’t matter what kind of job he has or what he drives because you know what? In the long run, those things can go away. But who he is as a person will never really change.

And if a guy starts out seeming great, don’t necessarily assume that’s the whole story. We tend to let people see more of who we really are over time, so you might learn in the weeks after you meet a man that he’s not as perfect as he first seemed. The key is reminding yourself of those high people standards and realizing that he’s never going to meet them.

2. Relationship Standards

Always have high standards for the relationship you’re in.

For the second aspect of having high standards, we look at relationship standards. Realize: you can have high people standards but low relationship standards.

Let me explain: sometimes you can choose a good guy to date, but still, the relationship doesn’t work. It’s neither of your faults. You just aren’t compatible. It’s like some chemicals. Some combine to form unique substances, while others are toxic and highly combustible. Consider that you’re one of those chemicals. It’s only natural that you won’t combine well with everyone you date.

This is the worst, to me. You know the guy you’re dating is amazing. You know you’re not sweeping any of his negative attributes under the rug. So why does this relationship not work?? That’s just how it is, my dear. I’m truly sorry.

Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Relationship Standards

So how can you set high relationship standards?

Be aware of how the two of you work together…or don’t.

Are you constantly fighting? Do you always want a night away from him? That’s probably a sign that you’re not jibing.

And it may not be that you argue a lot. It may be that you want different things for the future. Maybe you don’t want to get remarried, but he’s looking for his next wife…and mother of his children. Maybe your career comes first right now, and it’s just too hard to manage a healthy relationship and work at this point in your life.

Upholding your high relationship standards means you might have to leave a really great guy because he’s not what you need (nor are you what he needs). It can be tough, and it can hurt both of you, but it’s better to end the relationship now before you lower your relationship standards any further.

Conclusion:

What you choose to accept sets the course for your path to love.

The first step to establishing both those people and relationship standards is truly believing that you are a high-value woman. You have to believe that you are worth whatever standards you set, and that slipping on those standards only means you’re feeling less than confident.

Make a list of those relationship standards, if it helps to keep them in the forefront of your mind. When you’re dating a new guy, refer back to that list. Is he hitting the mark on most of them, or have you already started lowering your standards?

And as your relationship develops, consider whether the two of you are really compatible in personality and life goals. That’s really important for finding a long-term and loving relationship.

The bravest thing you’ll have to do is end it with a man who isn’t meeting either your people standards or your relationship standards. He may not understand why you’re ending what he sees as a great thing. But the fact is: he may have lower standards. Or, you’re wonderful, so of course, his standards are getting met! But still: be true to yourself and your own needs. That’s the only way you will find true love.

So please comment below: (be honest!) have you ever lowered your standards with men? How’d it end up?

In Part 2 of this article, I give you 5 questions to ask a guy on a date to find out if he’s good for you so you don’t have to waste a single second on the wrong guy who doesn’t meet your relationship standards! Thing is…I can only offer this exclusive content to my Sexy Confident members. No worries: you can join here.

The post Relationship Standards: How to Set Them to Attract the Right Man appeared first on Sexy Confidence.

from Meet Positives SM Feed https://ift.tt/2EQ3Qta via IFTTT