#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be

[thebigqueer]

i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do

[pinkandlilacroses]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

Angel - Paige bueckers

part 6

• summary {in which an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

• warnings {angst, it gets cute at the end tho}

averys pov

“avery why cant we tell them” azzi yells, this has been our third fight this week about this topic

“azzi you know why we cant” i say, sternly

“no i dont, thats why im asking”

“azzi, bellas in the other room. shut up” i say

“ok, fuck you” say says, walking out

azzis pov

azzi

- u home

paige

- pls dont come

- stay with avery please

azzi

- im coming

fuck paige has been weird lately, and she wont tell me

its definitely something with bella

i don’t know how bella doesn’t notice

paige is in love with her

“azzi what did i say” paige says, yelling, tears flooding her eyes and the neck of her shirt

“paige whats happening” i say, genuinely concerned for my best friend

she begins wailing. i’ve never seen her cry like this before

i quickly wall up and embrace her

“i fucked it” she says, barley getting her words out

“i want her and ill never be able to make her mine” she continues

“bella?” i question

“yes” she says, raising her voice

“im calling her”

“no, azzi, no, please don’t. please” she says, pleading, her voice growing louder

“paige, you need to talk to her. i’ve never seen you like this before” i say, authoritatively

“she hates me”

azzi is calling bella

“hey bella”

“hey”

“can you come over”

“yeah ill come now”

call ended

“paige this is a good thing, you guys need to talk”

bellas pov

i know this is about paige

id be lying if i said i was fine about this situation

i’m reality, i’ve been crying. everyday. at any given opportunity

i dont have any resentment towards paige, even though i definitely should. i mean, what she did was fucked

and she never explained herself, all she could say is “i cant do it” like what the fuck does that mean

knock, fuck i should leave

knock, i hate her

knock, no i dont

“hey bella” azzi says, bringing me into her embrace. i know azzi and avery are dating, but they cant tell anyone because avery cheated on jake with azzi, and she hates what she did. but she truly does love the girl, cute. i hate love

“paige is in her room”

walking towards paiges room, nerves surprisingly aren’t present. i felt calm, normal

“who is it” paige yells, across the door

“bella” i say, yelling back

paiges pov

“shit shit shit” i say to myself, i look awful. i didn’t think she would actually show up

i’ve been crying for what feels like years, and i finally can get everything off my chest. but i’m more terrified than ever before

she opens the door. fuck

“hey paige” she says softly, i cant bear to look at her. i dont want to see how she has effected me

“paige look at me” she says, sitting down next to me, leaning over. hand on my knee

i look at her

shock plastered on her face

she says nothing, bringing me close and wrapping her arms around me, protectively

“im so sorry” i say into her chest

“paige its ok, im not mad”

“yes you are, i fucked up” i say, tears beginning to form again

she moves so we are face to face, her laying on top of me

“you dont know how bad i want you bella, but i’m, i’m scared” i say, i’ve never been this vulnerable with a girl before. i feel weak

“paige its ok, theres no pressure” she says, reassuringly

“i know you dont feel the same, thats why ive been so down”

“how do you know, paige” she says, sternly. contrasting her previous tone

“it’s obvious” i say. is it?

“no its not, i want you the same amount that you want me” she says, staring intently into my tear filled eyes, that are forming once again

“really” i say, genuinely confused

“yes” she says, slightly laughing

this cant be real, how, what, when, where, why.

after everything i’ve done, she still likes me?

“paige, you there” she says, commenting on my spacing out

“are you sure” i say, coming back to reality

she responds by gently pressing her lips to my own

this kiss was different than any others i’ve experience, its sweet, loving. reflecting of how i feel about her, and i guess how she feels about me.

[swmmi-kti]

New people and New feelings (pt 3)

Kyojuro Rengoku x Fem! Flower Hashira Reader

CW: ANGST LIKE SERIOUSLY

Synopsis: You are the New Flower Hashira. Which comes with a lot of new feelings.

Pt 1 , PT 2 , PT4

Shinobu heard you out. Color her surprised at nearly loosing another hashira to one of their own.

She couldn't help but laugh. Not at your near death experience but...just how much she seemed to like you actually.

"My my...it is quiet a predicament. But why on earth would you tell Kyojuro to never speak with you"

You felt flustered. There were multiple reasons. Mostly the main one is because you had though Shinobu hated you. But seeing as how she seems so calm with you. Its...a little silly.

"Uhm...well, it's a little embarrassing but....I has thought you hated me. And when he practically dragged me to your infirmary i...I wasn't pleased to say the least"

She frowned a little. Her expression gentle despite her burning rage as she nodded "I understand. But I do not hate you"

"I am aware now...but even so now then, kyojuro made his decision...and I rather not talk to him for other reasons too"

There were feelings there things that you just couldn't figure out yet. But one things for sure. Kyojuro was the cause of it all, Inner turmoil ate you up.

What ever small tremor threatened to eat up your soul and you couldn't describe it as hatred. Indifference perhaps?

"...Ever since joining up with you guys there's been nothing but a nagging confusion with Kyojuro specifically" You admit finally

"and...could you elaborate?"

"I admire all of you, trust my words on that. I admire Gyomei and his strength. The ever growing compassion he seems to carry with him and the anger he seems to hide. Sanemi and Obanai i guess you can say im indifferent to but i still admire what they do...Mitsuri and i hang out so frequently i guess you can say i just. She's my best friend" You begin and watch as she pauses you with her hand

"and...Regoku?" She asks a bit tepid and like she's almost expecting a certain answer.

You bite your lip. gnawing over lips and the ever living turmoil in your mind. You never could place why you couldn't think of the word for the feelings you felt for him.

Nor do you really care for him...not like you care about everyone else and you couldn't tell why.

"I...Don't know? I obviously care for him just as a colleague but i never thought more of him? Its complicated, i don't hate him"

"But you don't like him?"

Like him? You think as you let your mind wonder just a little bit. His presence was comforting, how his voice seems to lift you up. It felt nice to have someone like that.

The world around you was very harsh and cruel you'd be a fool to say it wasn't good to have someone around like that, To lift up anyone's spirits, Its the greatest skill anyone could have.

"i " You pause again as you chew on the inside of your cheek. How can you answer? on One hand you just can't stand him but why?

And on the other....You know well in your own heart the ever beating tune of falling in love.

How exactly can you describe that feeling? Is there even a word for what you feel? Can there be a word for it?

"It's hard hmm?" Shinobu speaks breaking your inner thoughts and fighting off what negativity may fester in your mind.

"It's not...I don't think there is a word to describe the feelings or the thoughts i have on that man. Shinobu i came into this field expecting my life to stay on the same path as always. Train, save lives and survive i didn't come here to make life long relationships i knew one way or another one of us could die" You admit

Fiddling with your

"Life i guess never goes how you plan. And its Tough on my own feelings to think of something more. A future where everyone lives where we defeat muzan" You admit as you look at the wind pick up.

It Smells sickly sweet of nectar but you know more than that. "I guess im scared of admitting all i feel for the sole fact that i know the world wont let me have it"

Shinobu nod's she knows all to well its beyond mere human comprehension what she knows now. Life is frail, it can and be snatched away from anyone else. She knows.

"Yes it seems life can be unpredictable but the only way to make life a little more worth it is admit things we don't want" She interludes as she looks at you once more with that smile she always wears. but it appears genuine "You like him? A lot dont you?"

You hated being read like an open book but regardless you nodded.

You could say a lot about him how he makes you so mad sometimes. How he makes you happy when ever he doesn't know "Yeah...i suppose i do"

Shinobu nodded as the wind picks up again. The sweet smell soured by the cawing of a crow... a kasugai crow .

Both of you stand up as Kaname.....Kyojuro's crow, Dread filled your nerves. As you extended a hand and watched as he landed on your hand tears in his eyes. . .

Kyojuro Rengoku...is dead

Taglist: @kenqki

[newfeeling77]

my least favorite urge as a mentally ill individual is the “making people see im struggling” urge… like when i would cut myself that was in fact 90% of the reason… ik its not narcissism and the reason i think it is well thats the illness itself talking. but why do i feel like everyone needs to see and know when im going through extreme pain. ive gotten a lot better at this over the years, just from natural emotional maturation and intervening from close friends who had to tell me please stop telling me you’re going to kill yourself once a week its a bit stressful… anyway i suppose thats normal we’re social creatures and for some of us suffering in silence is not an option… unfortunately im also very vain n caught up in making sure i look good every day so even at my most depressed and burnt out i cant let myself go out in sweatpants and greasy hair. but sometimes i WANT to bc i dont want anyone to get the impression i have it easy. its a combination of wanting to compete in the suffering olympics even though i know ive got the gold already and like, i guess i get insecure abt my lack of productivity and progress (which is unfounded because i get praise in nearly every aspect of my life from my school and work performance down to just surviving this long) and i feel like i need some kind of justification i guess… like oh thats why she messed up that one thing one time, bc shes fucking insane and extremely depressed. and tired. and i have no money. or maybe it’s because im just really scared of the fact that im genuinely mentally unwell and i will be forever, like i can be doing well n smiling but i still have compulsions and bad behaviors and suffer from depression regardless of how my life is going… and i worry that in the future as i get more established and live a real adult life with a career i wont be able to like, just stew in my bullshit anymore. like i wont have TIME to be in crisis. but sometimes i just want to grab an authority figure in my life by the shoulders n say listen to me i think about committing suicide nearly every night and i have for over a decade. n then we dont talk about it

[bleekay]

anyone who cares about the me hating my room layout saga........come along w me...... no img descriptions im so sorry..... i can only describe these images as "2d bedroom/office poorly laid out in various ways"

sorry im using inches not cm. so here is my room's current layout:

it's a small room, less than 10'x11'. that window on the side is 6'x6' and the window sill sticks out 2 inches from the wall, and it starts 1 foot up from the floor. im using my desk as a bedside table rn. why do i want to rearrange this? why does it kill me that this is what i'm stuck with?

SICK OF MY MOM DOING THIS SHIT. just silently standing in my doorway whenever she walks past my room and i have something interesting to her on my screen. she wont even announce she's there, she just stands there. one time i was watching some stupid funny video and i found out she was behind me because she LAUGHED and it scared the shit out of me. yes i have talked to her about it. yes she knows i don't like it. she says she "doesn't do it on purpose" just sometimes she'll walk past and see something on the screen and can't help but look. girl.

but like heres the thing... what if friends have drawn nice porn??? ideally let's not let my mom look at it. I want to draw porn??? lol, lmao even. imagine what i could make if i were free. no but fr even aside from that, just day to day, it'd be nice to feel like an adult and not a kid whose parent is looking over their shoulder all the time, even past the invasion of privacy issue, having my back to the door means im always on edge... so that is goal number 1.

("why dont you just close your door?" dogs ok shut up)

(also wanted to say that step 1 in preventing my mom from just Doing That was to get a door curtain, which i have now, but it does not change my desire to move my desk. it isnt enough.)

goal number 2 is giving the dogs a pathway equal in flow to the current one. the dog seat next to my chair is 26 inches high, so the dogs can only get there from the bed, not the floor. you can see right now, it's easy peasy for them, step up, bed, seat. that blue circle is where i initially put the dog seat, and it was lower at the time so the dogs could reach it from the floor. alas, katze hated it on that side even though it was easier for me to get out of my chair when it was on the left of me instead of the right.

ok, so we've got the two big goals. desk against right-side wall. easy layout for dogs.

i need you to know i've tried a lot of different layouts ok. i am showing you a FRACTION of the attempts. a fraction!!!! i tried a layout with my bed at a 45 degree angle, don't "have you tried--" me

the left side wont work bc the dresser and bed overlap by 2 inches and it simply won't fit. the right one solved that problem. but both of these have two other problems: 1, dogs falling into window gap lol -- easily solvable, i'll just fill in the window with pillows or something -- and 2, i have to choose whether to give the dogs a step over to their seat or to have a bedside table. can't have both. and i need a bedside table so the dog seat would have to go on the other side with a step up, which would block me in. also unacceptable. both of these are out.

thats what led me to this layout, which i made a post about. so the dresser would work as a bedside table for me, the dogs have decent flow up the step, to the bed, over onto the dog seat. but ah. the space between the desk and the bed is about 20 inches. maybe a little less if the window sill pushes the bed out an inch or two from the wall. am trapped. probably difficult to get in and out. i am not teeny tiny.

and now we are here:

if i just scoot the desk down i have room to move, dogs still have flow, everything's good..... except. you see it right. just a. large gap in the corner. nothing there. surrounded by things that are all 2 feet high or taller. so, a pit really. but, ah, what's this????

a free table exactly the length and width of the gap, stopping any chance of the dogs falling down there and hurting themselves or being unable to get out???

wow, i can move my printer from on top of the dresser to on that table! i can put my mini shelves there which are currently sitting on my desk! i can maybe even set some little trinkets and doodads there!! ah, table that is perfectly sized for my corner pit and that i got totally for free and is in really good shape and not falling apart, wow you're so great! :)

is what i would say if i had a table that fit there and was free and worked well

[samyy009922]

Im bored, so theres probably no plot to this :)

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HERE WE GO AGAIN

Mafia bad sans's with the inclusion of good ol' Red

You and Red lay on the floor, both far too tired to do anything despite the massive amount of paperwork laying on your desk.

"so uh, you got anything ya gotta do today?" Red asked, still laying on the floor. You knew what he was gonna ask, he asked every day.

"Red, I don't know why you bother asking me, yeah I'll come with." Every day, you both went to the bar in the hideout you both worked at.

He let out a shallow laugh, a chuckle if you will. Good friends y'all were, knew each other since you stated working for the Mafia you found yourself in.

Absentmindedly, you both chatted and allowed anything you both thought to be a topic of choice. You both even talked about deviled eggs for some reason?

After a good hour of nothing, it was decided to go ahead and get going. However, as you pulled you boots back onto you one of the assistances barged in... rather rudely.

"30 minutes, the bosses want to see you." she looked at you, not red, who actually worked alongside the bosses, but you and only you.

You'd had interactions with the higherups before but very briefly and if give you anxiety just thinking back on those situations. You sat next to a computer all day, never on the field- so your social skills weren't exactly in tip top shape.

You were always told the Bosses were very odd characters, with their leader of leaders being the strangest; none of them were stable though, you knew that for a fact. However, with that being said, all you interactions with there were... different.

Horror: never talked, and if he did you knew you were in some deep shit. He was the tank of the team, most of the time keeping his singular eye on the front fields.

Killer: just a straight up psychopath. Anyone who had a proper conversation with him all said the same thing: he was insane. He could snap in a matter of seconds, so he wasnt the type you wanted to be around for long. He didn't oversee any particular branch, but rather just stuck his fingeys in everything.

Dust: another silent one, and you also never wanted to hear him... ever. With that being said, he was also a super heavy hitter and kept an eye on all trades and correspondences, ready to jump in a matter of seconds.

Error: a strange one, as he seemed to break the laws of... everything you thought you ever knew. But he was the one who controlled the digital side of things. therefor you saw him the most. He has a temper to him and is a massive control freak based off what you've seen of him.

Nightmare: the big guy, the one behind everything... and the one you were most scared of. He was the dude who oversaw everything that ever happened to anyone, If you pissed him off? Well life wont be a work in your vocabulary for much longer.

But, even so... they always seemed different with you in some fashion. Like for example, Error called you up to their office because he forgot a major component in a software the team was developing, but when you arrived he wasnt cold at all? He even seemed welcoming to you in some way...

and Horror made you eat

which you found very odd

Anyway, as you were fed this information, you looked at Red because you assumed he knew something, ANYTHING. He, being him, knew absolutely nothing and seemed just as confused at you were.

"Uh... Ok? I assume were meeting in their office? Cause like, its still office hours?" You felt out the attitude of the woman, mainly because you want to know if they're wanting to see you because you did something wrong.

"Yes." Was all she said, then left. This leaves you with a grand total of 29 minutes before your potential death.

"wha tha-." Red, who was now standing, spoke out loud.

"I don't know man." Was your only responce.

...

Time went by as you paced around waiting for the clock to tic down, PRAYING you didn't massively mess something, and they WEREN'T about to unceremoniously kill you.

"alright sweetheart, good luck in there." His voice semi-calmed you, albeit barely. He seemed very clam during this, but to be fair it wasnt like he was in your situation... but he did work closely with the bosses so maybe he did know something? Maybe?

You stood at the door leading to the desks where the big men would be sitting.

Finally you knocked

...

You heard nothing.

...

You turned to walk away, hoping this was all some stupid misunderstanding

...

The door slammed open

"HEY! Its them!" Killers unmistakable voice cut through the air like the knives he wielded.

"allow them in killer." A deep voice followed that ear-splitting yell, soothing you, but not for long because as you turned around you were met face to skull with Nightmare.

Well that's slightly terrifying.

Nightmare gives you a gesture to follow him, and so you do, although there is a lot of apprehension.

He leaves you in the middle of the room as he moves swiftly to his resident desk, one that's slightly lifted off the ground. The whole room looks like one out of a fantasy movie: Gold, mahogany wood, beautiful pilers, you name it.

The more you looked around, the more little details seemed to make themself clear to you: slits in random places that likely came from knives or other weapons, gun racks that hold very expensive looking guns, and pieces of paper that scatters some of the members desks. Makes you wonder even more why your here.

Off to the side you recognize a large red eye light that's staring directly at you. Horror's smiling very wide; that sort of thing is something that strongly worries you.

Errors in a hammock that's stationed off the left farthest corner of the room, once you catch his gaze he snarls and looks away.

"so i bet your wondering why your here..." Once again, that silky voice catches your attention. Nightmares smiling, rather widely might you add.

"Y-yeah? I cant say I'm not confused." You stammered a little. As mush as you were confused and mildly scared right now, you do have to say... the group was a litttttttle attractive. You'd never admit that out loud though.

"well..." A new voice nudged its way into the conversation "we have a question regarding your plans..." Dust's voice was quiet, but also smooth? Not something many people were privy to. Wait, yeah most people didn't hear that voice unless they were gonna die, what the hell was happening??

"you could say were asking about your plans for todate." Killer smiled widely, which wasn't out of the ordinary but something about this instance seemed very different.

They all gave you a few seconds before pushing the question again, you finally answered.

"Oh- Uh, I don't having anything i'm planning to do today?" You desperately wanted to ask why, where was this going but you chose to leave that little bit out.

"heh... good." Horror commented, scary.

"hmm, i agree, good." Nightmares addition made it even more menacing, then he continued: "you will be accompanying us tonight for a smaller... mission." You could HEAR the smile and menace radiating off that skeleton.. he also didn't give you much of a choice.

"D-don't-t get you-r hopes up-up" Error so kindly added "This-is is nothing but work-k." You nodded, not wanting to question why they chose you over literally anyone else.

"you will be picked up from your house at 7pm sharp. look good." You once again nodded then Nightmare give graciously give you permission to leave.

As you walked out the room, you pondered the inclination of going out on a date with mafia bosses, was it even a date? Was it seriously just work? If so, why someone so low on the ranks?

You met back up with Red, he gave you a concerned look and added you looked pale as fuck. You briefed him on the situation: "They more or less asked me out for some work event??" He seemd just as confused as you were.

"interestin' group they are." Was all Red added

...

Wait

How do they know where you live??

[prttykittes]

:3 anon

Hi! Sorry it’s been such a long time! But i had some MASSIVE drama in which ima be coping w rn by writing. Cause, I feel like i won’t recover from it.

some of these are actual messages that we sent.

You were lovely. The best thing that’s happened to me since that day. We talked and talked till we went to sleep. We always thought of each other. You, loved me. Not in the way you thought. You have a girlfriend. She’s right there, lying in bed sleeping as you talk with me. The day you told me you had feelings, I didn’t know how to respond. My whole body began to shake. I didn’t know what to do. My mind begins to wonder as i try to find hints from you. They were so obvious, I was just slow. Your poor girlfriend was never told of how you felt about me. I even told you multiple times that communication is key in any relationship. You try to explain how you feel, going through what you think about me. My mind goes blank as I myself don’t understand how im feeling. I tell you to go talk to your girlfriend immediately. To tell her what you told me. Everything eventually becomes ok. You begin to blame yourself. I felt bad because I felt like i could’ve done more. Yet everyone i ask, they said i did everything i could. I know i could’ve done more. We both try to distance ourselves for our own good but, every time we try to part we can never let go. Everyone has told me to block you. I can’t. You were everything. Every time, i try to forget. But, you were truly a lovely experience i can never forget. So you stop yourself everytime, hoping that we can talk comfortably again. you felt like maybe why you feel so bad is because you love me as a friend and, you’re scared thats going to happen is that you’re just going to get blocked then boom never get to speak again. its hard for you to keep thinking about it just randomly you go to bed, then you wake up and you wont see my name there anymore. like you got it though your head. what you did was your mistake, but its just thinking about the chance of waking up and it all going to be real then. it doesn’t help that the other mistakes you’ve done just come back as well. even the ones that you told your dad you were going to be fine and fix, but you never got to before he died. so you’re just trying your best to be normal again but its getting harder and harder. you’re afraid of losing someone you trust most and seems like they care. Our story is just like the song “Promise” by Laufey. This specific verse: “I’ve done the math. there’s no solution. we’ll never last. Why can’t I let go of this?”. The song perfectly explains our relationship. We know we should leave, but we can’t. We know that we’re fading apart but, we keep coming back. “No matter how long I resist temptation, I will always lose. It hurts to be something, It’s worse to be nothing with you.��

. I hope your doing well, :3 anon! <3 (nice to see u again! (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡)

[ohklah0ma]

I just noticed the text on you ask box button so: tell me about your ocs. all of them, your favorite, I do not care. I wish to hear all you have to say (also I really like your new blog theme, it's very calming and quiet on my eyes)

THANK U i love dark colors bc im very light sensitive so thats a big thi nf i was going for w my new theme<33

ok oc time!!!!!!!!uh uh i dont really know where or who to start with so ill prolly just go w quickly rambling about my ocs from tbe casino gang!!!!! this story is mostly in collaboration w my sibling kay and they have about half of the characters here but im mostly gonna focus on mine for times sake because theres. like 10 in total which would take a long time bc you know i wont shut up about anything

i have a bunch of ocs who all work at this casino somewhere between multiverses that we still dont have a name for but its ok. lots of people from all sorts of different worlds show up there but its usually dimensional travelers or backrooms wanderers or random characters who have been magically brought there just for funsies :-)

first we have avery!!!!my partial sona whos also their own character its weird avery created the casino sometime after they died and became a god, its one of the things theyre most proud of and they wouldnt work anywhere else for the world. except sometimes they would because their employees are little shits sometimes (which is kind of what you’d expect from half your workforce being either undead immortal children or raging alcoholics (abel.)) theyre basically a wine mom friend tbh but the kind of wine mom who would absolutely tear you apart with an axe if you did sometjing to their kids. theyre very protective of their employees and their sibling/co-owner abel (kay’s oc) <3 but they arent afraid to be a little strict with them

indigo is averys best friend and technically head of security even though they dont even work there! theyve just been given full authority over the security staff because theyre slay like that. one of my fruitiest ocs ever i swear indigo died very soon after avery did! they were friends before they died as well but avery has no idea and indigo would like to keep it that way. they wear a mask concealing the right side of their face and they loooove to scare people with whats behind it. they met avery and helped them get back onto their feet after they died <3 even though they have full security clearance theyre literally just a regular visitor at the casino and nobody really knows Why theyre best friends but its fine. theyre also very protective of avery and abel and of course their friend ephetatis (kay’s oc) and their little sister ruby!

ruby is a little shit. im just gonna say that now i adore her so much but shes the definition of a chaotic neutral mean lesbian sje would tell you to kys unapologetically if she thought it was funny (but she would apologize if it made someone sad) she and indigo are both. weird vampire demon creature dudes. she was assigned to be indigos younger sister by higher-up gods and she was a bit hesitant to trust them at first but indigo is very responsible and the two got along very quickly! they have a really interesting dynamic because ruby lived during a much more modern time period than indigo so she learned about. internet things and stuff like that more easily which makes for some really funny scenarios. ruby will occasionally get dragged to the casino when she cant be trusted to be home alone but now she has to help out there a bunch because she and her best friend kris (kay’s oc) broke a $27,000 chandelier (kris did it on purpose. bitch) and now they have to work off this ridiculous amount of debt. however they do get free snacks so thats cool i guess

parsley and sofi are two little guys who probably live in the walls i have no idea what or who they are but they annoy abel and help avery and cause chaos. they are never not together so its impossible to not draw or write about them together. avery kind of just took them in and now they help ephetatis at the bar (they handle the non-alcoholic drinks and clean things) and sometimes sofi sneaks salt into abels wine because it think its really funny

and those r all the main important characters!!!!the ones i own anyway!!!!!! theyre so silly and i love the whole casino gang to death and i worked on thisfor like 45 minutes so i hope you enjoy this massive infodump thank you for reading

[chaoticstateofaffairs]

So...I am typing one handed...I may or may not have gotten angry at a situation I can't fix and put my fist through a glass table we have outside and then proceed to punch the side of the house (brick) several times but on the brights side, I don't think anything is broken.

Just have 2 get a few stitches (hopefully) and go home, bar the fact that hopefully they don't want 2 contact the psychologist in charge 🙄

But luckily I have a good group of friends who want 2 keep me out of the psych ward and have offered to clean up the mess I made before the docs want 2 do a house check 👍😃

Edit #1:There are no patients in the waiting room and only two cars out in the parking lot so hopefully this will be a quick in and out 😂

But the dreaded question at the front desk:

"Ouch, how did that happen? 😮"

"Uh...well, um...I...you see, I uh...honestly, I really don't know how to explain it to you. 🙂"

"O...Kay. Well give me your wrist so I can put the bracelets on."

"Ok. 🙂" (Extremely happy she didn't pry)

Meanwhile, Cat was off 2 the side just in a state of shock that no one pried. 😂

Edit #2: So, the waiting game has started and I've already been asked twice in the last 10mins if I'm sure I'm really not in pain and I've replied both times, "No ma'am, I'm not in that much pain, I promise. 🙂👍", and of course they find that incredibly odd but they will find out soon enough that this is not an abnormal occurrence for me 😂

Also, I'm pissing Cat off with the fact that I keep leaning down and untying her shoe but she still loves me 😂

Edit #3: Apparently it's bad morale for patients coming in and seeing one who's dripping blood all over the floor even though I have a wrap around my hand and it makes them not want 2 stay in here, so now I'm in the back waiting for the nurse and doctor 😂

Edit #4: Why did I put myself through this 🥲 I was gonna say something totally fucking disgusting but Cat deleted before I could hit send...oh well. 🤷‍♂️

Edit #5: I REALLY need a cigarette if my crazy ass is gonna sit here in this small ass room 🙄

Edit #6: Y'all know I'm crazy by now so I'm just gonna put this out here. I wonder what it would feel like 2 punch through this sliding glass door? 🤔

Edit #7: I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES IM GONNA HAVE TO FUCKING SAY I DON'T WANT THE FUCKING DRUGS! WHAT CAN'T THEY UNDERSTAND!!!! (At least they are referring to me right but that's thanks to Cat and not my scared ass)

"Sir, you need to take something or otherwise when the shock wears off it will be incredibly painful."

"I have told everyone who's talked to me about taking those things and I have said no, and my answer will continue to be no. So please, stop asking if I want some pain meds." (I was a little harsh with my tone but not what the way they put it)

"Sir, there is no need to get unruly."

"Un...unruly?! You have yet to see unruly but if you continue to try to give me those drugs that's when you will see unruly and if you give them to me without my knowledge you will also see a lawsuit, I have told all of you SEVERAL TIMES, I don't want those drugs, so please stop asking."

Edit #8: Nothing is broken, just bruised and going to be very sore, but I do need stitches, lots of them 👀

Edit #9: No, no I will not stop pacing in my room, THERE IS NO ONE IN HERE EXCEPT FOR CAT AND I, AND THE CURTAIN IS CLOSED SO NO, I WILL NOT STOP PACING.

Nobody can fucking see me, jfc! Now because of these jackholes pressuring me and fussing about my pacing that is affecting no one, I'm getting angry again and that makes matters worse cause then I get short with people, very short.

Edit #10: I'm about to go batshit, I want out, I'm slowly getting angrier at all the noise, at people, at this STUPID FUCKING INCESSANT BEEPING FROM THIS DAMN MONITOR THEY WONT SHUT TF OFF, HELL CAT HAD TO DO IT! FUCK! But I can't do a damn thing because it's my own fault that I'm here in the first place, I couldn't control my anger over the fact that there is a situation in which I possibly can not help in nor do I have fucking control over, which SUCKS and I'm trying, I'm trying so fucking hard but in all honesty I think they just want away from me and I don't blame them, I'm not good to be around. I don't know why tf Cat is till here if I'm being honest, it's not like I'm worth it.

Just...fuck.

Edit #11: I just want 2 hit the fucking wall until I can't do it anymore...fuck.

Edit #12: Doc is in 2 stitch Cal up and we will be out of here, nothing bad has happened to his hand just needs a shit ton of stitches on his left hand and just a small bit on his arm, nothing to major but enough to be serious and warrant a visit to the psych doctor tomorrow, but everything is looking good.

[abyssal-system]

It's late and we can't sleep so I thought I might as well use this blog for its actual intended purpose for once (a diary), so this post might be a little all over the place. im sort of stream-of-consciousness'ing this.

block the tag "#personal" if you dont want to see (potentially sad) personal ramblings / posts from us. be safe, curate your dash, i understand.

things have been very quiet system-wise lately. i think we have a new(?) alter but I'm not sure How new or why they split. I'm not even really sure if its not my imagination tricking me into mistaking an already established headmate as a new split...

i've been thinking about them for a little bit. They seem to go by Hadal (though thats also just a catch-all name for the system when we dont know whos fronting) and i have a sneaking suspicion that they've posted on this blog before.

I havent been dissociating as much lately which is good but ive also not been switching at all which is... not a bad thing really, i guess, but it certainly doesnt help ease my fears of Being A Faker.

i know that systems have quiet periods, and i know that me being frontstuck and also unwilling to change that (fear of loss of control is a pain) so thats probably the reason why, but its still unnerving being the only one around.

ive also been thinking about the logistics of getting a diagnosis... I have a lot of fears about the medical system and abuse within it, particularly being stuck in a mental health facility against my will with no way out. its prevented me from coming out as a system to my parents (who... I feel like theyd understand. not Understand, but im not in any danger if they know. i just worry itll change our relationship in some way, like they wont think im Me anymore) and its prevented me from seeking treatment and understanding of my disorder.

the online system community is also rife with toxicity and misinformation and i do not whatsoever feel safe interacting with people who seem to snap at others without warning, so I dont have many system friends out of fear of reliving past friend group drama

I imagine that the feeling of total isolation I feel is common among other systems, but it doesn't really help to know that. my near-debilitating anxiety controls every part of my life and prevents me from seeking help when i otherwise would have.

it also doesnt really help that the one time i tried to find a dissociation specialist, the only one i could find that said they were queer friendly was 4 hours away in another state.

... i might look again. I might just tell my parents so they can help me look for a therapist.

I worry about that though. I worry that since my plurality doesnt really impact my life all that much (i dont switch very often, I dont have amnesia barriers, and i dont lose control of my body fully when i switch out) that either means Im Faking or Its Not Bad Enough To Worry My Parents Over. Its Not Bad Enough To Drive Across The State To See A Therapist For It when i have a perfectly decent one less than 30 minutes away

... i dont know. it feels like i have all the pieces to get the ball rolling on ... Something? but im not really sure if its worth it. we barely have enough money to keep the pantry full for a week, let alone to switch therapists and drive for hours just so i can Maybe get coping mechanisms or something.

.... I dont really know how to end this. i hope this wasnt too negative for this blog, i know i try to focus on positivity and lighthearted subjects.

please be kind in the notes. there is a (very scared) person behind the screen and I am trying to be better about opening up about my worries. kind advice is always welcome though! if it doesnt help me it could potentially help somebody else.

[straykats]

anyways hi guys i love u all here are some thoughts ive had

on ocean vuong and my own writing. i'm revisiting vuong's works for an assignment (bc i suddenly have the opportunity to centre an entire project around it the way that i want to hehe) and i think i'm realising how much he's influenced ymy writing fr? obviously not like. the stuff i post/ed here but the stuff i've done for my writing classes. i've acknowledged his work/s as inspiration, but mainly in the 'his use of the vietnamese language...' way but i think my writing style in general leans towards his as well.. and idk how i feel about that? i'm not saying i write exactly like him or as well as him (god no) but the tone? but i do want to believe that i've written in That Tone and Style before (im pretty sure i have, even before reading on earth) but im scared that im 'copying' his style. idk. i really do love the voice he uses when he writes, the way he poses questions and presents ideas. yes i would love for my writing to affect people the way his has affected mine. but i don't.. i want to still have my own thing, that isn't mine just because the reader hasn't read vuong's works? and ig its all about pov and interpretation at the end of the day - it all lays in the hands (eyes? mind?) of the reader/audience how something is interpretted, irrespective of creator intent - but i'm stil lconscious of it. idk. hm. smth to consider when i write later this week ig.

on my own writing (in general). i think i really do lack so much faith in myself. the feedback i've gotten back for my writing assignments have honestly all been beyond what i ever thought i could get (?????? fckin full marks last sem???? and this sem, a HD even though i gave it so little thight????) but i still don't think. i'm like. capable of pursuig writing in any capacity. i know one way to kind of 'venture out there' and find out how i fare 'in the real world' is to apply to comps and lit mags and stuff but i just. ahhhbhdsvhsvsvs when i think outside of the uni context i just don't think i have it in me but again, i realise i just need to kind of start applying to and entering stuff but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

on crushes and relationships. sometimes i have like. Thoughts. like just passing 'oh i hope they think of me' or 'oh i hope they (only) do this to/with me' etcetc and i'm like. oh okay maybe this is what a crush is???? because in school it was more of a. like. the people i was conscious of were people i was being teased about, so i was conscious of them and had similar thoughts but not.. the way i do now? like. i was just worried that the other person would feel a certain way about something, or would only do something with me, would treat me differently etc and then people would notice and then the teasing and the rumours etc would get worse. but now im like. just thinking it myself. no anxieties other than 'oh is this weird' 'what if this is a crush? what if i actually have a crush on my friend/s????' (yes plural okay wait i'm getting to that soon) and idk like. the whole realm of 'romantic or platonic?' is not an unfamiliar one. but it being familiar does not mean i have an answer sigh. anyways. why plural friends??? (and additinoal question, which i wont explore here, but whats the general opinion on having multiple crushes? is that a thing? i know polyamory is a thing, but im not looking for or want a poly relo. is it even possible to have multiple romantic crushes at once? does that mean theyre NOT romantic? anyways. moving on.)

the one male friend who i am very conscious of having these thoughts about: we're not exactly childhood friends, but we were friends in childhood..? as in, we went to the same school. forced friendship kinda vibes. friends the way the majority of people in a primary schooler's class is their friend. but then i moved schools and ended up keeping in contact with him (amongst other primary school friends) and then we had serious/personal convos? and then we stopped talking for 5-8 years (memory sucks okay sorry) and then. now we work together and long story short we do share a friendgroup? but i'm not super close with him and idk if thats just how he is but ANYWAYS like do i just want us to be closer friends bc i ??? idk like i do wanna be closer friends w him uh guys this is actually EMBARRASSING

my best friend: okay look im more accepting of the fact that i do not (currently?) actually have a romantic crush on her but also like. what if i do and i just dont realise it and one day i realise it but its too late bc she'll be engaged fr (she has a boyfriend rn and i'm chill w it? sometimes i think smth about them and im like ??? wait huh is this jealousy or smth??? but then im like no its literally not) but yeah idk its 1am rn and my head isnt working so tldr; im pretty sure i dont have a romantic crush on her but i also do wish our friendship was more phsyically affectionate, the way some of my other female friendships are? and i think thats what confuses me? she's aware she's not a physical person (even w her bf) and we're aware that i am NVJKNVKS hm idk im making sense in my head but i dont think i am in writing

anyways them two^ do be the main ???? but im also like. what if im just wanting a different type of friendship yknow. like how much do i want. at what point is it no longer wanting a closer/different friendship, and is actually wanting a romantic friendship? how does one 'develop' romantic feelings??? im so confused man i wish there was a diagnostic criteria for these types of things. i cuold write a whole thing about rom/platonic relationships and confusion. maybe the confusion is a sign in itself (maybe im aro? but the idea of an (intentional and sconiously) romantic relationship is so neat and comforting and i??? but what if---- what if i just lobotomise myself fr feelings are so confusing

on the home situation [cw: fam neg, divorce, mental health?] mum got a house and she wants me to move in with her, if not both myself and my brother. dads kinda being a dick about this whole thing, but i also understand that with the way it happened, hes probably got a lot going on mentally. i don't like.. i don't like being able to understand and think about others the way i do. i become too conscious of the (possible) reasons why someone is acting the way they are. i get too empathetic and understanding and i don't know how to draw lines and do things with myself as a priority. i can't make choices that put my safety and wellbeing first, because i understand why everyone wants what they want and why they need what they want. i might even be extrapolating and overthinking things to the point that theyre not even half truths anymore. i'm so scared to make choices and hurt people because i've grown up with such strong fears that all sorts of bad things will happen if i do this or that, if i make someone feel a certain way. and theres a conscious part of my brain thats like. well. conscious that i need to Snap Out Of It and realise that i cant keep thinking and living like this and i need to prioritise myself at somepoint. idk i have a lot to say about this but i think it would need a sep post on its own. and better analysis of content post-writing to identify relevant warnings. hm. anyways. times do be tough.

on stationary, desk set ups, and productivity. this bits just for funsies but ive recently been kinda obsessed w the spiral notebooks that u can like. refill/replace paper etc and i think theyre so neat so i got a bunch of different paper packs and also folders or whatever BUT ive been too scared to use them? last week i tried to start like. daily planning and semi-journalling and i drew up september in calendar format or whatever and then a daily task thing w time schedules etcetc (trust okay the vision was visioning) and i knew i probably wouldnt be able to this daily but i could at least do it some days and try and get into a pattern but anyways yeah have not looked at it since KFJJKFNJSKNFSK. but i'm using the paper/folder thing now for project development (assignment) and i also want to have one dedicated to references etc (like an annotated bibliography kinda thing) bc a lot of the work i do centers around similar concepts so old material stays handy yknow but i always end up having to pull up old assignments and trying to remember what was in each reference. anyways. problem for later. i also got the logitech casa pop-up desk thing and i'm enjoying it v much. also got a desk lamp thing from amazon and its ocming tmrw and i'm hoping getting better lighting at my desk will make me more productive (i tend to be more productive working at the kitchen table, but its not ideal bc dads in the living room doing karaoke ....

[thebigqueer]

and i guess the other thing is ive always been a very 'friendship is the most important thing' person which has caused issues in the past too becuase i start tending to assume we can just immediately go back to normal. and i didnt force this on her but in a way i think that value is still sticking to me because even though i dont WANT to talk to her or text her or see her, for some reason im still like 'why cant we just be friends' as if i dont already know that these things take actual time and we cant bounce back immediately. like even I dont want to be friends immediately but some part of me is offended that shes "not even acting normal" as if theres a way to act normal so quickly. but i think the toher thingis im really scared that we wont bounce back to friendsihp cuz we never truly had one cuz we went into this with romantic intetniosn, so maybe thats why im so offended when every time she meets my eyes she looks like she wants tobe anywehr else. cuz on the one hand why is she looking at me like that??? wasnt she the one who said she also wants a friendship??? wasnt she theone who said she cares about me??? but on the other hand i KNOW its just a very awkward time right now and it doesnt have to mean that she hates me and wants me gone; it just means that its an awkward time and i dont need to rush the 'friendship' process.

[midnightmisadventures]

No words for my dream last night

I neeeed to know if he had the same one

Was with Liam the whole time.

uh?? im so confused i was doing that thing where i wrap up highschool. I was going in diff english rooms and took one exam and then had one left i didnt study for.

there was like this "crazy 10 minute sale" esq thing going on in the library where you and a friend had to find a book to do a project on.

But i was like rushing with JR to get to the clique books or pjo and stuff

i dont have any other exposition.

We were on a lot of busses. School not tour. And each time, Liam was on our bus and my goal was always to sit close to him but not too close. It felt like that was his goal too

eventually though

we were close and talking, kinda like the way we are in my current fur. Maybe not dating but the closest step under that

......somehow i found out that another girl.....karmic....or earlier karmic or otherwise was pregnant with his child

and he kept texting me like, please don't tell anyone, i know its bad, i know you hate me, i know everyone will hate me FOR you. Please keep that as my business for a sec.

And i was like yea, its okay of course i wont air you out while you figure this out. He wasnt in a relationship with her or anything

But it was weird he KEPT texting me, when we were apart like please please dont tell anyone.

And i was so confused why he was worried?? Like it wasnt something i would proudly boast if we were seeing eachother. So i remember being like should i text him back "i promise" so he gets that i really wont fuck him over. Or do i hold this piece of....collateral over his chest. ONLY cause he was making me wonder if i should be suspicious of him.

Then.....what feels like shortly after. Suddenly im also pregnant. With Liams baby of couse. And i was kinda like....fuck. Not cuase i didnt want to be with him, or i didnt want his baby. Just cause i was literally like "i rlly thought id be smart enough to avoid this prophecy, but i guess it wouldnt be a prophecy if it could be avoided" I just felt like are you kidding me? And im pretty sure it lined up with the first time of it all as well.

I just hate how that specific prophecy airs out all my business to everyone. Like ooh?? you were just a virgin, but you and Liam had sex one time and he came in you??? wow....

It leaves me with no privacy. But whatever, no one knew but him and i was figuring out when to drop the news to people in my life. And i realized it would be a looooong time from now.

I needed more alone time with Liam, i just needed to get on the same page and feel his support. Given that he had an additional pregnancy to worry about.

Which also just made me feel like fml....like of course this is happening to me.

But i had full faith and trust in him. We just hadnt gotten a long time to talk.

Once i remember catching him for a second, and we were both sitting in a group of people and he sat next to me on a couch. And it was nice to just sit next to him but i didnt even know where to begin with the things i wanted to talk with him about

I remember summing it up to him by saying "....Liam im really scared" and he looked at me like he hadnt considered i would be, like being pregnant after having sex once isnt a terrifying inconvenience.

I don't remember if he said anything in particular.

Just remember getting the vibe that he realized id prob benefit from a little more of his attention/reassurance.

[tinylittlecubby]

I just had the WEIRDEST fucking dream about jj like?????????????????

Okay it was tied into another dream cause thats how dreams work but that part isn't important (I will say that someone was wearing 2 bags of frozen vegetables like they were dresses and yes there were still vegetables in the bags and yes they did get in trouble) but anyway!!! It changes to some brawl in the parking lot of someone's business and everyone needs to get the fuck out (but it was like a bunch of children and some adults I do not know why I was there or any other of the adults. I think the kids were trying to do some legit property damage so the adults were trying to stop them?) So jj (in a tesla for some reason I feel like THAT was unrealistic) drives me and him away from the scene but bro this nigga was SPEEDING!!!! Like got the attention of the police speeding. Like two other cars did aggressive u turns to avoid him speeding!! I literally started hyperventilating cause I HATE when people speed (specifically men, women scare me less when they speed in a car so my reaction is realistic) I tell jj to pull into a busy mall parking lot so we blend in with the rest of the cars and that somehow works. We are now just sitting in the car and I start talking about our relationship (didnt know we were involved but we roll) and I said "I'm scared you're going to hurt me" (yo I FELT SO for real vulnerable saying that in the dream it felt so real im never dating irl I woke up pissed off) and HE GOT POUTY AND UPSET 😡 he said "oh because we are getting more serious you are getting worried about these things" (first of all bitch! I have clinical paranoia issues and anxiety okay I've done been worried about this and 2 I can feel however I want to feel at any point in time and 3 you LITCHERALLY just out ran the police okay I do NOT find that hot its only hot when I do it,its irresponsible when other people do it. Unfortunately I did not say any of this in the dream.) What I said in response was essentially that "im not worried about you hurting me with your hands or words -even though fucking high key his reaction fucking pissed me off which is a type of hurt but I digress- which only leaves one type of you hurting me left and that is physically losing you. Like you dying" and then we started talking about it and he tried to break the tension by making a comment that I wont write here because I feel like its a comment that I shouldn't even be dreaming about (its enough im dreaming about the nigga but im not trying to read his life like that either) and during this i saw my older sister in the parking lot with her friends????? And then she saw me????? And then she came over and was like "haha ******* is with a guy romantically!" And honestly to that I say based,she was valid in that reaction cause outside of this dream thats never going to happen intentionally!! I will make sure of that!! But yeah thats pretty much where the dream ends but it was weird as fuck and whats sticking out to me is how pouty he got when I was vulnerable I felt like saying "fuck you!! I'm out" I was absolutely anticipating him being like "omg honey what have I done for you to think that oh no nono" but instead I had to pivot. I know in real life I would've gotten out the car and been like "yknow what bye boi im walking home have fun speeding in your iPad car" but I felt feelings for him???? Fucking gross. Not gross cause of who he is,he is an extremely attractive man in real life and I would most likely,like 98% break most of my rules for him in real life BUT it was just so antithetical to his public persona his reaction (but then again I dont know the man so it could've been actually spot on) honestly the first red flag that it was evil jj was the speeding away from the police,don't think he would do that irl. Anyway anyway anyway this is what you get when you stay up all night listening to the podcast amongstotherthingsthatilegallycannotdisclose

[antisocialgaycat]

feel free to ignore im kind of just screaming into the void here

so i love my friends right like theyre great people however there are some things that they do that kind of make me dislike them and i feel so bad abt it cos i love them but some of the shit they do makes me so uncomfy and i dont want to say anything cos what if they hate me for it and want to stop being friends with me and even though i know that they wont it still scares me lol but some of the shit they do makes me so uncomfy like some of them are hella transphobic and dont even realise it hell some of them say homophobic shit like in a joking way but it still kinda scares me also one of them uses autistic as an insult and that absolutely does not sit right with me and like this one isnt even that bad but they constantly refer to me as the gay one and they dont even seem to think of me as more than that sometimes also i have asked them a hundred times to call me lesbian instead of gay but nope im the gay one in the friend group and nothing will change that and that kind of doesnt vibe with me too good also theres this person who they keep referring to as my girlfriend or my wife and that absolutely is not okay with me and if asked them to stop so many times but they either cant or wont cos they keep calling her that and the thing is that the person they keep calling my wife is a really good friend of mine and we also have a lot of friends in common and i hang out w her and her friends a lot and whenever my friends see me with her they always take photos and shit which makes me so uncomfy i hate having photos taken of me and theyre also really unsubtle about calling her my girlfriend and shit when shes around and when her friends around and im so scared that either her or one of her friends will figure out that i like her and she'll be like ew thats mank and ill lose yet another friend and even tho i know thats so so unlikely cos shes a great person but it would at the very least make things awkward between us and i dont want that cos shes a good friend (better than my fg) so if my friends mess up that friendship i swear im gonna have no friends at all cos ill likely get pissed as fuck at them and my other friends will think im mentally fucked up and then i may as well just leave the entire fucking school and go to my local one and even though i know im catastrophising to the end of the earth and back it still doesnt take away from the fact that some of my friends are making me feel so uncomfy that i dont want to hang out w them even tho i love them also theres these two really toxic people in my grade who sometimes hang out with us (one more than the other) and theyve told the one whos not nice per se but less bad than the other one and hangs out with us less to fuck off and the homophobic transphobic bitch who uses so many slurs its not ok at all they seem to have no problem with oh and theres this kid in the year below us who always dabs up the rest of my fg but whenever he sees me he just says ew no ur a lesbian and one time he said that i prolly jerk off to furry porn and first of all what the actual fuck second of all that made me feel so uncomfy and third of all my fg just laughed and they still bring it up so often and they surely can tell it makes me feel so so fucking scared and i dont even fucking know why oh and one of my closest friends has the most terrible taste in guys like i swear she lies the most toxic people and im the only one who can actually see that cos all the others think theyre hot and they dont realise just how bad its gonna end every time theres literally only 2 people in that group who actually dont ever make me feel like my skeleton js gonna fucking scuttle out of my skin and crab walk to the nearest trash can and jump in so tysm to sarah (i aint gonna tag u cos i dont want u to see this post lmao im still gonna post it tho) and arkie (she doesnt even have tumblr and will never see this post but i still want to put it in writing) anyways yuh thats my lil vent

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

hey um this is a real fucking vent of a post maybe dont read if ur triggered easily by family/abuse stuff. I just had to get it out im sry. its not too coherent

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him. my dad. one second we're having a normal conversation about art. then he's screaming at me to shut the fuck up, swearing at me, telling me how behind everyone else my age I am, telling me that I DON'T deserve respect or to be treated like a human, mock-bowing to me while laughing at me and saying that I think I'm sooooo important "like some kind of fucking princess" bc I said I don't deserve to be treated like I'm not human. yelling at me over and over to "shut my fucking mouth", saying that this is why I have no friends, why I lose every friendship I care about, and that he can throw me out right now if I keep "pushing it" and he won't care and there's nothing I can do about it. that I don't have real friends and can't name them. that I'm only acting how I am because I'm "on my period and a bit wacky".

....what sparked this? I said I wash underwear in hot water after I buy it, and that it didn't matter if that was "logical" or not bc I only buy new undies once every year or two. that's what sparked this whole thing. that and me saying "How dare you.I don't deserve to be treated this way." when he blew up. ...literally just yesterday he was saying how he's so proud of me and loves me. not even 24 hours ago he was saying that he could see how hard I'm working and that he understands if I need a break because I'm doing so well. ten MINUTES AGO we were talking about art, looking at the bedsheet I'd ordered and he was complimenting my choices and saying he'd put me in charge of buying new sheets for the household soon. TEN MINUTES AGO. what HAPPENED.

...and I know he'll just go back to loving & respecting me after (insert length of time here) when he feels like it, and until then I'll be excluded from all family interactions, treated like a literal threat and monster at all times, called "my abuser" instead of "my daughter", and forced to hide. ...and then I'll be his Amazing Smart Hardworking Daughter again, unless I bring ANY of this up in which case it will go from Bad to Worst and I am now "THE abuser". this is how it goes. this is how it's gone for a decade. why do I always forget this part when things are good. Even if I write it down or record it (THAT WAS A BAD IDEA HE GOT SO PISSED) it feels...fake??? like it just doesn't exist. I am fully aware that this is gaslighting.

I am fully aware that he does this and simultaneously presents himself to the community as an example of RECOVERY from abuse and has CONSIDERED BECOMING A THERAPIST. I don't have shit on him bc I have nowhere else to go, and I'm not in physical danger. staying here until I can get into college and/or get a job IS my best bet, bc while this is traumatic and unpredictable he's fully all bark, no bite. the majority-ish of the time, things are good. He does house and support me despite having just lost his job (though I'm paying for a lot of the groceries- no job here either), and he's actually been really amazing & supportive this year in general... except when he does This.

and GOD does This suck

one day I'll figure out how to stealth-record on my phone... idk why. when things are Bad Like This i want some record to release to our community once I get independent, and blow this lie out of the water. Ik it's ungrateful but like... what the fuck dude

I'm really thankful for what he's doing for me

but what the fuck dude

why

it's going to mean NOTHING in a few hours/days. he's obviously letting out some internal thing that he has no idea how to channel appropriately and nobody else he can aim it at who wont fight back (except my little brother, who has never done anything wrong ever in his life and is ALWAYS dad's "son") (and the dog, who he sometimes threatens to scare until she pees if she's barking like a lunatic at the pizza guy or someone, but he's mostly-joking/ never actually does it because she's "the best dog in the world") (...I'm treated less human then the dog)

but its just so mean

(also obviously if i even raise my voice/tone a TINY BIT at him, or say a word in a way that he percieves as mildy passive-aggresive, that's a trigger for things to go from Good to Bad unless I immediately literally grovel.

...if you want to uhhhh please send funny videos, art DIYS, animals, mythology, the worst most cursed music and/or mashups you know. I could rly use it rn. just rec me something. anything. (not fanfic tho- I'm currently writing my college application essay on fandom's role in modern folklore, so for once I Do Not Want To Hear/Read Any More About It)