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sleepyhouse2art · 16 days ago

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this is an old drawing of joey from i think 2021, the year i started seriously drawing. its the first one of him i did. before that i did some zines and posters for shows but i never drew for myself after i was 12, although before that i had really loved to draw. when i was 12 i had to go move in with my dad in seattle because after a bunch of stuff tbh i wont go into it but the precipitating incident was one august my mom socked my grandpa and went walking naked down their street. so my grandparents drove me halfway to washington, and my dad picked me up and drove the rest of the way. i hadnt seen him since i was 8 -- we got in a car accident and he never came again. when i moved in, he had a girlfriend who lived with him. and i had never even ridden a city bus before except as a very little kid in providence.

my dad signed me up that summer, because i liked to draw and i didnt have any friends and i think he didnt know what to do with me, to this fancy atelier program for kids. it was every day at this really pretty private catholic school. they used one of the buildings in the off-season. anyway, i went there and i worked hard on my little cartoons. but very quickly i found myself very embarrassed, because all the kids were leagues better than me. they could draw hyperrealistically. a pretty girl i had a crush on lent me a book on the anatomy of trees, which i studied for her but never returned. gradually i grew to hate it there, because i felt too low to belong even though the kids were nice to me. one of the grownup artists who helped out gave me her gaia online username.

the time came for the end of program show, and i lied to my dad. i told him that the show was canceled when it really wasnt, and i went by myself and skulked around. after that i didnt draw anymore, except for sometimes little punk zines and posters for shows, but never just to draw. i think i broke my own heart by not being good enough. it was really all my fault.

i was always mentally ill i guess -- ive had an ed since i was 12, and ive always had problems, like id tried to kill myself before and stuff, but when i hit 20 i started getting really sick. that was the year i first got involed. it was very, very bad. it fucked me up. my therapist told me they did things they shouldnt have done. i am super scared of hospitals because of that and some other times ive been in the hospital where really fucked up things happened to me. i have developed a crazy fear in particular of being restrained and having people sit on me. i think the next time i go they will rape me and kill me (the hospital emergency room down the street from my house has holes in the ceiling), and when my psychiatrist and my therapist tell me its time to go now, i cry a lot and beg them not to send me and that i will be raped and killed, and so they let me stay at home where my husband takes care of me. its safer for me here and nobody can do bad stuff to me. i get to be with my cats who are healers and from god. my life is pretty baller now, even if we are poor. i draw a ton because there isnt much expected of me and we dont need much. we own our house. my husband has a small job. really the only really bad thing in my life is getting sick like i do, or i guess being sick like i am. i hate my schiz, but i cant really do anything about it. also i hate sleeping, which people tell me doesnt help. i have a lot of symptoms and take a lot of pills. its ok tho.

so i draw. i write and i draw A LOT. often i sit and i draw for 14 hours straight or longer. making stuff makes me fee normal and happy and useful. i talk to my best friend all day, the one who i write the kirche street pharmacy stories with. they are the best.

anyway, thats why this drawing is a little special to me, i guess. im glad i made it. im glad i picked back up drawing. im glad you guys like my drawings sometimes!!! thank you thank you thank you. i hope you like this very old drawing of my very loud slutty one-legged son from brooklyn