#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group

[thebigqueer]

i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do

[credulouscanidae]

had a breakdown yesterday

because i am just so over this countrys fucking healthcare and i just want my goddamn medication that i was happily on for 5 years

make any progress here feels like pulling teeth

after all this bullshit of what documents i need, after providing everything, i was told before christmas i needed my gender dysphoria diagnosis in order to get an appointment w the endo cuz he refused to give me an appt

i finally track the diagnosis down, send it to their office.

dont hear back for weeks, send a follow up email asking if they received it and sent it again

dont hear back, assume its just cuz of christmas etc

ring them yesterday asking for an update and the endo had apparently sent a letter to my gp on the 28th dec STILL refusing me an appointment because now apparently the diagnosis isnt even good enough.

had i not rang up, i wouldnt have even known that decision. im so fucking sick of these places flying over patient's heads making decisions without telling them. and thats apparently a very common problem with the nhs.

its something something the endo only has the dysphoria diagnosis and not all the other medical history that i gave to my gp. so now i have to wait till thursday to see my gp, and evren is helping me collect all the info so we can just...essentially, resend my case from scratch

the denying of the appointment is what broke me. i have never, EVER, experienced this until moving here. even evren says its a bit weird that he doesnt just book me in and ask to send all the info beforehand. its probably the high demand and lack of available appointments id imagine.

i just. im so tired of fighting this. every single attempt i make at getting closer to my hrt, i get kicked back 3 steps. i got my hopes up for weeks, thinking, YES, this diagnosis is the last bit of evidence they need, i can finally get seen to, only to be essentially told it's not good enough and that i cant be seen to.

i am 7 months overdue. i havent had a shot since march 2023. i have been trying to get this sorted since april. all year i have been told no no no. this is the last attempt before we say screw it and go private. but even then, the endo who is refusing my appt is like, the only private/public endo within an hours drive (i'll be willing to go further ofc), and apparently id have to go through the whole psych evaluation all over again. and theres still a waiting list, albeit smaller than the nhs one.

i am desperate. i have always understood obviously, but in these moments i can fully empathise why some trans people give up and end their lives over this.

5 years of being on t, made me forget the desperation i felt pre-t, and how agonising it felt. now? it's like that times a thousand. now that i am caught in this mess, and how much it makes me break down into hysterical sobbing....

im not surprised i dont want to be perceived, feel like a shell of my former self, dont want to engage with the world, on top of all the other reasons. i dont feel real.

fuck thsi healthcare system i swear

[turtle-steverogers]

I Watched TWS for the Millionth Time So Let’s Over-Analyze This Shit

-TFA theme at the beginning 🥰 (that theme is so fuckin good)

-Sam’s lil jogging route around the Tidal Basin/Mall

-Steve being sassy , just as a general

-Steve’s sadness errands

-Sam relating to Steve on the soldier front and making him feel seen

-Just. Sam Wilson

-The way that Steve’s to-do list in the movie varies from country to country (For instance, the UK list has Sherlock instead of I Love Lucy and The Beatles)

-Also I wanna know Steve’s thai order

-The fact that this whole exchange is happening at 6:39 am

-Natasha drives with all the recklessness of a 16 year old that just got their license

-Stealth Suit Stealth Suit

-Steve deflecting Nat’s date suggestions

-Steve’s aversion for parachutes...reckless endangerment ✨

-Steve speaking/understanding at least a little french

-Tony having designed the Helicarriers to have arc reactor power instead of turbines because “he got a close up look at the turbines” in The Avengers 2012 when he got caught in them

-“This isnt freedom, this is fear” aka the embodiment of Steve’s character

-Steve’s exhibit being in the Air and Space museum even tho he flew a plane once and crashed it

-Bucky’s display having two different birth years (1916 and 1917. the correct one is 1917)

-In the little video of Steve and Bucky, Sebastian Stan was saying “We *are* friends” after the director told them to “act like friends” for that shot

-Steve acknowledging Peggy’s family and therefore acknowledging that their relationship with each other, while still close and special, is not romantic anymore and Peggy telling Steve to move on and start over wtf endgame

-The parallel of Peggy losing her memory as Bucky regains his

-Sam Wilson willing to show vulnerability and not being ashamed of his PTSD and treating Steve like any other attendee and hoping Steve will open up too if he sees that it’s okay to

-Steve’s face after “it was like I was up there just to watch” cuz he gets it and both sam and him had to watch their other half fall

-“What makes you happy?” “I don’t know”

-The Winter Soldier theme is just Bucky’s scream pitched different and made to sound mechanical because Henry Jackman wanted it to sound like a man trapped in a machine

-Why is Steve a lucky bastard that has his own laundry machine

-Steve leaving his apartment building after Sharon points out the music and then SCALING THE SIDE OF HIS OWN BUILDING AND CLIMBING IN THROUGH HIS WINDOW LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE SEEING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST CLIMBING INTO HIS APARTMENT THROUGH HIS WINDOW ONE NIGHT

-STEVE’s APARTMENT I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS (i might make a separate post on that)

-The fact that “A Long, Long Time” is playing when he sees Bucky for the first time in the future and the song is about lovers reuniting after the war i’m not saying it’s gay but i am

-He calls Fury “Nick” which really indicates theyre not close in the slightest

-Steve is excellent in adapting under pressure (him immediately catching on and using Fury’s code story: “who else knows about your wife?”)

-Steve is Awful at lying but hes also Excellent at lying

-How tf did Steve get the flash drive in the vending machine without the vending machine dude noticing i-

-“Captain Rogers” “Neighbor >:(“ petty little shit

-Steve’s observation skills are A+++++ as we can see in the elevator scene

-More reckless endangerment like imagine just going through your work day and captain america falls through the ceiling

-Steve stole someones gym clothes after escaping SHIELD. let that sink in

-Natasha has about a billion masks on at all times (“I only act like i know everything, rogers” “the person that programmed this was slightly smarter than me. slightly” “the truth isn’t all things to all people all of the time”) also she’s quite insecure, especially when it comes to being perceived as a good, trustable person

-Meanwhile, Steve’s consistently himself even if it costs him

-Bucky trained Natasha in the Red Room (at least in the comics) so theres a good chance she made the connection between him and Steve and withheld that information

-The honeymoon in New Jersey😭😭

-Steve and Nat both have very different, but entirely valid approaches to situations: Steve’s is that of a tactiction, Nat’s is that of a spy’s. We see this in the scene at Pentagon City Mall

-Steve’s looking for someone with shared life experience and bucky has that

-Bucky killed JFK

-When Zola tells him that his death and life both amount to that of a zero sum, he punches the screen with his bare fist, not his shield, indicating just how much that upset him

-Pierce offers Bucky milk cuz he knows “the asset” can’t refuse or accept offers. He’s taunting him

-Sam drinks orange juice straight from the bottle and also doesnt refrigerate his mustard. There’s also a baseball trophy in his apartment so,,,,, baseball player sam anyone?

-Sam is also a gem who immediately helps out Steve and Nat with no judgement in his tone so they don’t feel ashamed

-Nat straightened her hair somewhere in Sam’s house

-“Cuz thats really not your style, Rogers” “you’re right, it’s not” *rubs sitwell’s arm* “it’s hers”

-Steve and Nat banter Steve and Nat banter

-Sam is just *clenches fist* so cool

-Nat immediately knows where Bucky’s gonna shoot when he lands on the Sam’s car and later she knows how to affectively fight him best because he trained her so she knows his fighting style

-Steve alone saying “Bucky?” was enough to break Bucky’s conditioning the slightest bit

-Sam met Steve like 36 hours ago and he’s already being arrested and made into a government fugitive with him and it won’t be the last time

-Steve is the only one entirely restrained

-“Even when I had nothing I had Bucky”

-Everyone meets Sam and is just like “aight let’s trust him with the highest clearance security information”

-Steve looks super nauseous all through the scene where Rumlow is handcuffing him and later when he says, “he looked right at me, like he didn’t even know me” he sounds sick and choked up

-Steve carries a lot of weight on his shoulders

-Steve’s “Bucky?” after the highway battle and Steve’s “Bucky?” in Bucky’s memory in the Vault Scene being different (in Bucky’s memory, he looks more heartbroken)

-Sebastian’s acting. Just all of it. And the way Bucky just opens his mouth for the mouth guard before he gets wiped....heartbreaking

-Steve realizes an organization that was meant to protect the people has become its own antithesis so hes like “aight. get rid of it” damn that’s the right mindset right there

-In the memory scene after Sarah’s funeral, Steve is so out of it and distressed, that he can’t find his key but Bucky immediately knows exactly where it is and what he’s lookin for

-Bucky was vain as shit and also had money: tailored suit, hair w shit ton of brylcreem in it

-The big breakfast Steve had was at Sam’s house

-The whole scene on the helicarrier between Steve and Bucky is incredible here are some highlights: Steve never backing down from a fight until it’s Bucky he’s fighting, Steve dropping the shield for him, Steve being ready to die if living means he’s living in a world where Bucky’s alive and doesnt remember him

-Their acting in that scene is so genuine and heartbreaking i can’t- i can’t-

-Steve’s got a comm i’m so chances are Nat, Sam and Maria can hear a portion of what’s going down on the helicarriers

-“I’m with ya to the end of the line” is basically “til death do us part” so the equivalent of wedding vows between Bucky and Steve is what ultimately broke Bucky’s conditioning

-When bucky fell, steve didn’t jump after him but when Steve fell, bucky went after him even tho he’s brainwashed. don’t think about steve’s guilt surrounding that. youll only get sad

-Bucky waited until Steve took a breath to leave him

-Sam waited by Steve’s side in the hospital

-In the end credit scene, Bucky and Steve originally were supposed to make eye contact, but the writers didn’t want it established that Bucky remembered Steve until CW

----

Every time I watch it from here on out, I’m gonna add a lil more as I notice hehehe

[captainshazamerica]

🎪 titans spoilers

Tim is too well mannered and smart to be associated with the titans they're a literal bunch of toddlers although donna felt like an old lady being called miss troy and ma'am (I'm 23 an I love being called ma'am my brains like who me I'm an adult cool) 😅 gar and tim are prob gonna bond over being the only titans capable of rational thought 😅 The train was quite cool tbh yo how long have people been on that train cuz that one lady looked very 1920s to me

HANK HALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS ANGEL I knew he wasn't gonna make it out of there but my dumb brain held out a smidge of hope Hank is always in protector mode and always concerned about saving the children he tries to help jason and boom dead he tries to help tim and oh no still dead dang it hank, when donna was like oh no dawns gotta be so upset and hanks like yeah she better be 😅 donna wanted to stay and had to leave and hank wanted to leave and had to stay 😢 donna and hank talking about jason and hes like that little fcker blew me up! I know he talked about revenge on jason and I do think that if he got back he would be focused on stopping jason but I also think over a little time he'd forgive him and they'd kinda be buddies again and he'd help him with the drug problem also hank should get to kick crane in the face cuz yeah. Of course hank be driving around the after life blasting living on a prayer and he manages to find a car and a hotel I'm so happy he's with his brother now tho they gonna be kickn ass in the after life hanks basically some type of afterlife guardian now so I'm taking that as he's literally an angel 👼

Maybe hank donna and tim all had the good luck to find each other because of the ritual thingy they were tryna do at themyscira oh my gosh rachel is too funny her idea of themyscira punishment was being made to fight a shark or getting thrown in a pit 😂 that lady tho was that hippolyta and she saying her daughter being dead and earlier donna said to hank it's not like I died stopping an asteriod I died at a carnival so am I connecting stuff that ain't there or did Diana get killed stopping an asteriod? Ahem DONNA WITH THAT SWORD THO why is she so cool can she have a sword on team titans pls now

Okay but honestly somebody please please please help bruce what the heck dick I get he's got a lot to deal with but he could contact bruce now and again and I dunno maybe make him aware that jason is not dead!!! I don't even know if bruce knows or not Although I do think it is interesting character wise that when he broke his no killing rule he ended up turning on himself I really hope they don't just blow past his grief like someone please maybe donna talk to bruce please I was sitting getting so annoyed like bruce spends his whole life as batman and trying to help gotham and save people and there's no one there to save him and then donna swoops in donna I love you

Hank trying to use the power of his imagination to produce a weapon and he ends up with nightwings wingdings 😅😅😅 that was so hilarious to me p.s for that ask game the other day you asked who my fav legends was it's Zari Tomaz (theres two zaris but I've just got a softer spot for the first one) 💕💕💕

also dc should do a really cool back and white noir movie and a scarecrow movie like the way they did that joker movie would be dope too (it would also be intensely cool if they did a dc black label psychoanalytical exploration of Dr Jonathan Crane leading into Scarecrow stories because honestly I think he's one of thier more frightening villians cuz yeah if joker comes to mess you up it won't be a fun time but at least whatever he does to you he's not going to achieve locking you inside your own mind and there's a chance batman or someone will save you but with scarecrow if he comes to mess you up there's a high chance that he'll screw your brain up that much that you literally get trapped in your own mind and like how is anyone gonna be able to get you out of that also the clinical medical-ness would be a touch extra frightening cuz he can mess up with precision whereas joker will wreck you anyway he can but he's not gonna be able to be so precise in what he's doing sorry for the rant but they have such cool characters and so much potential to do stuff with them like ahhh )

Omg I just realized I never replied to your previous titans ask ahhhh I am so sorry!!!! I love getting your asks!!!!

LMAO, u right, Tim IS waaayy too good and pure and smart for the titans ahahaha. Protect him ahhh. I would die for him omg, I absolutely LOVE how they are doing him and how Jay is portraying him omg its near perfect.

Ahahaha, thats so funny xD people called me Ma’am when I worked at Disney world and it always freaked me out xD Especially cause I look so much younger than I am xD It is nice but weird being considered an adult ahahaha

True, Gar and Tim are the only ones with braincells omg xD I feel like they will get along really well awwww.

Omg I thought that one lady on the train looked like she was from the 20’s too!

Right! Hank has grown on me sooo much, like I didn’t really like him 1st season, was indifferent 2nd season, and like him a lot this season. Oh my dumb butt def didn’t think/occur to me that he wouldn’t get out tbh xD I think it works out for his arc though, especially with him and OG kicking butt together there, that was so cute and sweet and perfect. Tho I do want resolution between him and jason but i guess that isn’t gonna happen :(

Huh, interesting about the Diana theory, I never thought of that but you right, I can see that/it makes sense!

Omg I couldn’t handle donna pulling a sword while hank got freaking Robin throw stars and nunchunks that he immediately got hit in the face with xD That was too freaking funny “I was defiantly NOT thinking about Grayson” xD lmaooooo

Dude, this Bruce is so freaking erratic omg. Gosh, I really hope Dick can help him and we get some father son bonding cause my gosh Bruce has me STRESSED this season omg, God bless Donna Troy. I truly thought he was gonna die there! Not even saying goodbye to Dick, smh!

Huh, Ive never heard of Zari Tomaz, Ill have to look her up!

BRO A BLACK AND WHITE SCARECROW MOVIE WOULD BE SO FREAKING GOOD OMGGGGGG. Pleasseeee DC! Gosh, I would KILL for a “psychoanalytical exploration of Dr Jonathan Crane leading into Scarecrow story”, omg, gosh that would be PERFECT! Crane is SUCH an underrated and underused villain! And omg dont apologize cause like same and i love seeing your analysis and rants!!

[having-a-hyperfixate]

Week 3, Day 7

Safety cut, line breaks where the original posts ended.

The Final Day

“I bet you don’t even know what the word ‘nervous’ means.”

“‘Ey, why you gotta call me out like dat, Phones?”

I have missed these two. :’) For the record, I’m fucking terrified.

 OKAY THE CITY BEING THIS DARK IS AWFUL I HATE IT. NOPE.

-----------------------

Beat. Answer your phone. It’s probably Rhyme. BEAT. THE PHONE. NOW.

-____-

Why. *facepalm*

-----------------------

I may have zoomed right past Kariya and Uzuki with Soundsurf before I even registered they were there. Thankfully the game didn’t let me zoom too far. >.>

I simultaneously have the warm fuzzies cuz ~teamwork~ and a yawning abyss of dread in my stomach cuz this is it.

I’ve always hated those last talks before the final battle. They make you so horrifically aware of exactly how much you stand to lose, even if you win.

I do not like that I have to go to Udagawa to meet Kaie. I am hella paranoid about that place. Aaaah.

-----------------------

Shout out to Hishima standing there to tell me he’s looking for someone? And then not telling me who? Bruh.

Kaie is waiting for someone who holds incredible power of the non-supernatural variety. So Rhyme or Shiki? Cuz everyone else is currently accounted for or VERY supernatural.

Well that was a weird detour.

-----------------------

An aside: Beat is all grown up and doesn’t flail at his full name anymore.

-----------------------

Beat Shiba. There’s no way this is real.

Oh now time has stopped. Good. THE PEOPLE ARE TURNING INTO NOISE WHAT. (This is about to descend into an unreadable mess I suspect. Sorry.)

How did I get a B I almost died. I think that meteor thing almost managed to hit eesh. Alright. Here comes the shit storm.

Oooh Rindo. Straight savage. I love his habit of throwing people’s words back that them. It’s the best kind of fuck you. It’s way too early to celebrate my dudes. There’s still no way we’re done.

“Executor”? Oh I do not like that.

Damn he died without going Noise.

I had really hoped Kubo wasn’t coming back. This was very naive.

4:44:44. Of course.

Also, OH FUCK. RINDO’S PIN JUST ERUPTED KUBO IS THE SOURCE OF THE DISSONANCE I CAN’T THINK WHAT DO.

NO DON’T YOU HU- NEKUUUUUUUUUUU!! He. He. He killed… he erased Neku. No. no no nononononononoooooo. And the Inversion-!

What IS he?! (I think I’ve gone non-verbal oh dear)

Another Angel. It’s official. I hate the higher plane. I didn’t like them before, the whole business with how cut off the Composer is has always struck me as designed to fail and massively fuck up but this. This is so much worse.

Why?! Why would… Why would they decide to destroy Shinjuku and Shibuya..?

Shit, Rindo has been Kubo’s proxy. Shit shit. This is so much worse than the reveal that Neku was Joshua’s proxy. Joshua hadn’t actually DONE IT yet. This fucker has actively done it once and is in the middle of succeeding again. Oh god.

Minamimoto. He was looking for a way to consume and control the Noise Rindo was generating. That’s why he needed a sample. His first attempt didn’t work and it fucked him up, like the Plague Noise have been doing all week. Shit I really hope he’s had time to figure it out. I vote we go back, un-erase Neku before I throw up, find Sho, get him fucking cooperate for once in his existences, no that’s not a typo he’s died like 4 times, then destroy the pin before Fuckwad here can call the Noise out of it. 

We’ll only get one shot though.

I’m gonna unpause now.

Okay watching Shoka get got like that. That was. Extremely unnecessary. 

I do not envy Rindo having to explain all this oh boy.

-----------------------

It just registered that we’re about to try to kill AN ANGEL. Fuck me. I remember Panthera Cantus. Oh boy.

I don’t know how well talking to Shiba is going to work, when he’s probably the way he is because Fuckwad did something to him on a Soul level.

Lmao that went poorly. Shocker. And now, a scavenger hunt across time~

-----------------------

The scavenger hunt has yielded

Hishima and Shiba used to be     good friends but Hishima refuses to be overtly helpful

Rhyme has mad hacking skills     and Beat still hasn’t looked at his damn phone

“Must be from a higher     plane. Everyone from up there is some kind of weirdo, let me tell you.”     KARIYA. WHAT. HOW MANY HAVE YOU MET!? Also like, most of the Reapers     aren’t supposed to know about this shit. I remember the secret reports     very well thanks. Only the Composer knows they exist.

Coco called Fuckwad a must,     dusty, crusty old cretin and this gives me LIFE. Otherwise was very     unhelpful.

Uzuki just had an ‘oh my god they were partners’ moment re: Hishima and Shiba and I’m half giggling cuz my brain made it a meme and half having Feels cuz “things go south with your partner and then that’s it?” halp my emotions.

SHE JUST CALLED HIM HELLO!? XD UZUKI I LOVE YOU. SHE STILL HAS NO CHILL SHE’S JUST MORE PRODUCTIVE ABOUT IT.

“Can you imagine? Being played like that… and then having everyone just abandon you like you’re nothing?” It wasn’t until Fuckwad said what he is that I stopped being out for blood. I was assuming that whatever had happened to change Shiba, he had played a part in it himself. But if someone that much more powerful came and started messing with his head and his soul then yeah, he deserves to be snapped out of that and to be himself again. If what he became isn’t his own fault, if it wasn’t because he messed with something he shouldn’t have, then yeah. Make this stop. Then we’ll see.

-----------------------

Damn Hishima going straight for the jugular. Respect.

We got our cease-fire for now though. Shoutout to Neku casually reassuring him we’ll fight him to the death if shit doesn’t kick off. Like that’s totally normal. Aiya.

-----------------------

A thought, as Fuckwad is gloating over how screwed we are: Minamimoto want’s to “approach infinity”. Which in this case might not mean ‘I want to be Composer’, it might mean ‘I’m trying to make the jump to Angel’. In which case… That would be very good for us, I think. Certainly couldn’t be worse, at any rate.

(Exact line I’m on: If you thought that Noise gave you a good beating last time around, just wait till you see it now. You kids are in for a world of hurt. (No, I am not typing out his weird lisp thing.))

-----------------------

Oh gooooooooood damn it not again.

OH MY GOD SHOKA IS- SHOKA IS SWALLOW!?!?! HELLO!?!?!? I had completely forgotten Swallow even existed with all the madness.

THat. THaT JUST HAPPENED

AND FUCKING HE BROKE OUR PIN NO NONONONO OKAY OKAY HOW ARE WE GETTING OUT OF THIS THERES A WAY WHAT IS IT

Hello giant beam of light what??? I am massively confused. How. What. I do not understand what is happening. What is. GOING ON.

This post is long as fuck I’mma just make a new one.

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Momo ver.

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

ALRIGHT YALL NEW TROPE ALERT ➡ STAR TEAR DISEASE

Basically the cousin of Hanahaki Disease. Unrequited love causes a person to cry star tears accompanied by the sound of twinkling and if the feelings are not returned said person goes colour blind

And I just !!!!

tdmm AU where Momo gets star tear disease and the first time she cries in front of Todo after the exam with Aizawa she cries star tears???

And she doesn’t know what it means and neither does Todo but maybe Aizawa does and recognizes what it means but idk

So Momo goes on this whole literary quest to research what it means. And Todo volunteers to help bc umm?? Even the pressure point in her foot doesnt stop this phenomenon so he wants to figure it out too

And along the way they dig through the UA library on study dates and dig through the bookstores and dig through the interwebs together

Spending more and more time together, Momo starts to realize she’s feeling something. that is until one night she finds it on the web what star tears mean

Its her unrequited love for Todoroki

And her realizing this just makes it w or s e

Bc the consequence of not having her feelings returned means she goes colour blind

Or you know what, im just gonna alter it and make it more angst. She goes fully blind, ya lets do that.

SO MOMO

Poor bby is grappling with this realization and coming to terms with it all on her own; recognizing that if she doesnt let Todo know after all this time spent together she’s come to love him....... she'll go blind

But ofc its Momo... poor bby selfless Momo....

Her feelings and her own and not a responsibility of Todo to like her back and cure her of this disease so there is NO WAY she’s gonna burden him with that

Plus they’re both too busy tryna be heroes and shouldn’t have this as a distraction

So ofc Momo's not gonna tell Todo

And she cries and cries even more star tears that twinkle in fill her room in the dark like galaxies in the sky.

Its really beautiful.

She'll accept that she'll go blind never to see the face of her loved ones again. Her parents. Her friends....... Todoroki.

And that potentially she might have to give up her dream of being a hero if the blindness compromises it.

But she'll accept that.

The next day she wakes up and cant see a colour

And slowly it begins.......

She loses green first. Its hard to distinguish green from yellow

Then yellow goes

Then orange

Then one by one colour fades over weeks and weeks

Ofc shes not telling anyone.

She fakes it in class, during hero training, during her internship

That when Ochako and Hagakure asks "isnt the colour dress cute?" holding up a lovely chartreus and gold dress, she lies and says yes even though she sees gray

Which breaks her even more

And so she cries alone at night some more star tears

And it keeps going

All the while Todo noticing from beside his desk......

something is off...

But he doesnt ask her. Not yet.

Because after weeks of spending time with her researching, he believes they’re close enough that she'll share with him what’s going on

He didnt question it when she told him "its ok Todoroki san, we can stop researching"

"Did you figure it out?"

"Yes. Its nothing to be concerned about anymore"

He doesnt question it when he notices her in the morning at breakfast,,, the little speckles of star dust glimmering at the corner of her eyes

And he doesnt question himself either when he starts to think the twinkling tears she cries when she thinks she is alone,, makes her look really beautiful

Its those some odd moments when he passes the classrooms on the way back to the dorms at sunset that he sees her alone by the window,, looking out,, as the sun paints the sky reds pinks yellows and oranges,,, that she stares out and star tears fall from her eyes, twinkling in the setting light

And he thinks to himself that she is really beautiful,, a shadow against the setting sun

So he watches and thinks some more

That shes beautiful even without the sunset. Beautiful in class answering the hardest question. Beautiful in battle when her tactics win over her opponent. Beautiful studying when he notices her little motions when shes concentrating.

But while Todo thinks that to himself, Momo cries. Little star tears in her eyes.

She cant see the sunset anymore.

.

.

.

He doesnt think its serious when she tells him to disregard the matter

But when he happens to run into her when visiting his mom at the hospital, and she’s on her way out from the optometry & ophthamology department to get this whole eye thing checked out, thats when he realizes

Oh. This is serious.

And he starts trying to get her to talk but she’s being all avoidy and tight lipped

Cuz from Momo’s doctors’ appointment, the doc told her there’s no cure unless she gets over the feelings herself or her feelings are returned

And really now, she still thinks its her burden to bare not his

So logically the only thing she thinks she can do to slow down the blindness from the tears is to shut down her feelings for him. Put them in a box. And become cold.

Todoroki hates that.

That she’s being avoidant and cold when he knows something is wrong and wants to help her but she is being so not Momo anymore

He wants the kind, loving, selfless, pure hearted, strong Momo he's grown to learn and respect and know back

And that’s when he realizes he really cares for her

Not just admiring her beauty. Or respecting her battle instincts and leadership

That he realizes he really likes her

Perhaps even loves her.

So thats that.

Until its mission time.

Cuz its not angst until someone gets hurt and the other realizes they’ve been keeping a secret all this time sooooooooo

Smth smth UA kids vs a new baddie or minor villian or idk it could be dabi for all i want bc i put dabi in everything lmaooo

But who they’re fighting is not important

The important part is tdmm are on the same team

Maybe deployed as partners even

And theyre fighting back to back against some grunts

And at this point Todo is frustrated he’s not getting through to Momo just after he shook his own world realizing he likes her

And Momo's being all cold but civil and she is completely colour blind.

Theres no undoing the damage in her eyes. She can see in muted muddy tones and grayscale.

So for plot convenience lets say the villain has some kinda colour distortion quirk that mixes up the perception of colour from the true colour in a form of illusion or smth idk

So when the grunts in all black uniform end up attacking them, to Todo and Momo, one looks dressed in red, another in green, others in blues yellows purples

tdmm do pretty well fending them off until Todo notices 3 of them in blue green and purple about to attack Momo at once

And she’s ready to fend them off but doesnt notice a 4th one in red coming in for a swift sneak atttack right behind the green one

But Todo does notice

And he shouts

"YAOYOROZU THE RED ONE"

But she cant tell

And the knife lands deep in her shoulder

And Todo burns the rest to a crisp

You can imagine what the conversation is in the aftermath, when Momo has her shoulder bandaged up and Todo tending his own wounds

"Yaoyorozu.. please be honest with me. Why didnt you avoid the red one when I shouted?"

Because, he knows, that the heroine Creati he's trained along side with for so long would have been able to anticipate the grunts assault

That she would have expected a sneak attack amidst a simultaneous attack

But the fact that she didnt. Couldnt. Avoid it definitely means shes been handicapped

And Momo, upon being asked, hurt and tired from their battle finally relents

She cant lie to him any longer.

"It was because... i couldnt tell. I couldnt distinguish their colours. I havent been able to for a few weeks now.... I've..."

A star tear falls from her eyes.

"I've lost my colour vision Todoroki-san"

Tiny galaxies fall from her eyes as she finally explains to him what these tears are

And Todo is speechless as she talks, only able to hear the twinkles against her words broken against sniffles and hiccups

And when sh’es said all she knows - that this is a disease that will turn her blind, that there is no cure and it comes as a consequence of loving someone who doesnt love you back, that she doesnt want to burden the person she loves with her responsibility, that she has been trying bury her feelings to save herself ...

He finally asks: "Who is it.  Tell me who it is that you love Yaoyorozu"

.

.

.

.

"You. Its you Todoroki-san"

And his heart broke.

He pulls her into a hug,, so tight she thinks she might be crushed

And its his turn to cry against her

Because all this time she was doing this for him

"Im sorry Momo. Im so sorry. You dont have to suffer alone anymore. Because we're partners, long before I even realized it"

"Eh?"

He looks into her eyes, unwavering

"Im in love you too."

The tears that fall from her next are no long starlight.

Epilogue/trivia:

Momo loses her colour vision following the colour wheel starting with green ➡ yellow, orange, red, etc until blue is last to go

Shes most heartbroken about losing red and blue cuz those are the colours she associates with Todo (when she cant see the sunset anymore its when she realizes she lost red and that’s why she’s crying)

Since the damage of the disease cant be restored, she has to deal with greyscale vision for some years

Eventually Eri rewinds it for her once Eri can control her power

but for those some years Momo is so busy!! cuz she goes into genius mode and starts creating (and probably working with Hatsume) vision impairment accessibility tools? Yes

and bc I have an unhealthy obsession with the todofam, Natsuo probably ends up getting a case of the disease for some odd reason if he ever broke up with his gf and Todo upon hearing it is like NO GO TELL HER PLS

He’s not gonna let anyone else on the other end feel the guilt that he did for Momo

> archives masterpost

[excvlsior]

👫 philly leo

Send a 👫 and I’ll write four headcanons I have about our muse’s relationship

leo is such a physically touchy person it’s jst his ‘love language’ ig considering he’s jst not good w words n physical touch went hand in hand w how he garnered attention whether it . was good or bad bt either way its jst ingrained in him. n it shows w everyone he’s with he’s extremely upfront abt it to a point where it can b a bit much LKSDHKLSDHGLKSDG bt i think philly is the first person he like. took a deep breath fr n actually kept his cool........ told himself he had to relax sort of thing bc she ws like . the first person he viewed as waiting being worth it? which sounds bad its not like >_> hes never had good meaningful relationships LKSHDGKLHSKLDGHDS bt other times either ppl have been all gung ho n Ready for Action at all times like w lana n freya lov u ladies bt they’re super sexual ppl so there wasn’t like. a need to wait until they wanted to do anything he’s jst never rly done tht fr anyone....... cuz he’s never actually liked anyone the way he likes philly like it wld kill him a bit bt i think leo wld strap on a chastity belt fr the rest of his life if philly requested it...... its the first relationship he’s ever been involved in where he’s very satisfied and reassured with everything being mostly chaste cuz its the first time that it’s been abt more than jst sex and he’s wanted it to b abt more than that............

i think during the summer when philly travelled around the states with elektra and they never rly had much contact bc she broke her phone leo wld still send useless text msgs a lot, things tht absolutely did not need to b sent like a picture of a dog tht wld jst say ‘looked like u’ and wld call her phone a lot jst to hear the answering machine...... the amount of embarrassing drunk msgs on there r sm. theres one where on a particularly bad night he jst lied on the roof of a house party n called philly n was like ‘im not even good at math but i havent seen u in 52 days thats gross and sick and wrong. its the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other since we met.’ and one tht says ‘when u get to vegas let me kno, i’ll fly out there within five minutes and we can get married by the elvis guy there.’ even tho he knew she wldnt b able to call back..... i think there’d b at least one rly sad one tho........ probs the night after a fight w steve or something where he’d jst ramble fr a long time before randomly blurting ‘i kno it wldnt b like out of character if u didnt come back but i jst hope u need me as much as i need u and u do.’

i like to think sometimes they jst hv rly nice nights where they get high on shrooms n take a picnic blanket to an open field in the quad n jst stare at stars fr hours........ leo wld start making up facts abt stars and constellations n insistent there was at least 5 stars up there named philomena.... mostly bc he cldnt remember where he said the first one was n etc. it’d constantly change cuz he jst cld never keep track. he’d eventually actually name a star after her probs...... he’d b so proud of himself too LSDHGKLHSDLGKHLSDG it rly wld b a bit of a romantic gesture........ he’s pretty good at keeping quiet abt things if he needs to b bt he’d b excited to tell her bt wld wna wait until it’s a good time..... wld probs finally tell her during the next meteor shower tht happened n wld b all ‘i went onto that name a star site did u kno it doesnt even take long? this might be the smartest thing ive ever done’ even tho he 100% still has absolutely no clue which star it is when he gives her the receipt fr it

during tht period of time where leo slept over every night to check on her when she was concussed i think made him even more attached........ i mean he already was. quite attached to philly obvs bt he rly struggled to sleep on his own after bt... i think the like Intimacy of it all made him realize its not jst disliking sleeping on his own bt sleeping without philly..... she jst rly makes him feel very secure in himself n their relationship n its the first time he’s never second guessed himself w someone its a different feeling than hes ever had w someone before. i can imagine if philly wasnt sneaking over to his room after tht then leo wld b. a face off to see who cld sneak over first. esp after tht time they didnt get to see each other fr a bit bc he was on lockdown at home w the impending trial being fresh n wht not....... bt the second philly asked if he wld b able to sneak out he was running fr the fkin hills. think he got into quite a lot of trouble fr tht one, probs milked it fr all its worth n stayed at hers again fr a few days knowing once he left it’d b a while again until they saw each other, bt he jst tied her yellow ribbon around his pinky finger n refused to move it until they got to see each other again bc then it felt like she was still w him a bit<3

[ocean-butch]

Hellllo :)) 10-150 if you’re up for a challenge Goodluck 😁

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“i rlly hope he’s the murderer”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?molecules, HNLY, wanna be missed, let it be, and what i need, all from Expectations by hayley kiyoko

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?yes ofc

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?luck yes miracles no

15. What good thing happened this summer?idk i had a good time, i traveled, it was fun!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?i never kissed anyone besides boys so nah

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?ofc i mean cmon who doesnt know that

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?yes!! i love her dearly and shes a great friend

19. Do you like bubble baths?OFC

20. Do you like your neighbors?i dont rlly know them tbh

21. What are you bad habits?isolating myself and basically everything i do

22. Where would you like to travel?everywhere but mainly atlanta bc i wanna meetmy best friend

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i trust too easily

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?the feeling of getting home

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?all of it tbh

26. What do you do when you wake up?check my phone, usually tumblr first

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?nah im good

28. Who are you most comfortable around?not really ””around”” but abby

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?once yeah, but then she broke up w me again LMAO

30. Do you ever want to get married?OBVIOUSLY CAN U IMAGINE HAVING A WIFE I MEAN WOW WHAT A DREAM

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?not really, only if its just the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?kay awkward imma skip that cuz im a minor

33. Spell your name with your chin.vabfirls (its supposed to be gabriela lol)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?i know how to play soccer and volley and some other shit but i dont really actually play them. however, i do snowboard.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv, i actually didnt have a tv until 2 months ago (but i did have them when i lived w my dad)

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yep

37. What do you say during awkward silences?idk i just try to come up w something, it could be anything depending on the person

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?someone funny, who is easy to talk to and is passionate and caring. someone who’ll show me that i mean everything to them and who isnt scared to be affectionate. i have a tag for this called “my dream girl” so its all there

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?i dont shop like at all so basically starbucks lmao

40. What do you want to do after high school?move out of this awful country

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?im not sure. maybe, but not always with the same person. but tbqh probably not everyone

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?it can mean a lot of thigs, but usually that im rlly depressed/lonely

43. Do you smile at strangers?yes!!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?both tf (but i’ve already been to the bottom of the ocean many times so getting to know space would be pretty fucking cool)

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the thought of not having to go to school anymore in like 7 months if i just get this right

46. What are you paranoid about?e v e r y t h i n g but mostly ppl hating me and leaving me

47. Have you ever been high?nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i dont think so no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?dark blue

51. Ever wished you were someone else?all the time dude

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?myself lmao

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont rlly know any makeup brands tbh i dont use it

54. Favourite store?again, starbucks

55. Favourite blog?oh noooo this is too specific there are too many but i guess i’d put my best friend bc her blog is awesome and yall should follow her its @saveabby

56. Favourite colour?blue & purple

57. Favourite food?sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!

58. Last thing you ate?açaí

59. First thing you ate this morning?a cereal bar? is this what theyre called?? im not sure

60. Ever won a competition? For what?yeah i guess some school things about sports n shit when i was younger

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?god no im a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?JESUS CHILL IM 16

63. Ever been in love?yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?actually i dont remember i was young and it was at a time where 3 boys liked me and i kinda dated (like kid dating but still) 2 of them and i dont remember which one was first BUT it doesnt matter bc i dont like to count kissing boys so i havent had one yet

65. Are you hungry right now?always lmao

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?well i like different people in different degrees, some being from tumblr, some being from irl. its a mixed list.

67. Facebook or Twitter?twitter duh

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?almost, im watching psych on my laptop

70. Names of your bestfriends?abby from tumblr, marie irl

71. Craving something? What?yes, chocolate

72. What colour are your towels?theres a green one, a blue one and a white one

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?it can vary from 0 to 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?very rarely but its bc theyre at my room at my dad’s place and even when i sleep there i usually sleep at my brother’s room but i do like stuffed animals

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?not many, maybe 3 idk

75. Favourite animal?felinesss

76. What colour is your underwear?im not wearing any but dont go thinking shit, im just on my pjs

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?it depends but in general chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?its like a chocolate shavings thing that we have in brazil. idk if they have it in other countries and if they do idk what its called

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?white

80. What colour pants?no pants jeez

81. Favourite tv show?X-FILES

82. Favourite movie?SNXJSNXKSNSJSJDJSJXJS P R I D E & P R E J U D I C E (2005) PNP OKAY PRIDE & PREJUDICE THANK U FOR THIS QUESTION

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?i dont think i’ve seen the 2nd

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?i only watched that movie once and i dont remember much about it tbh

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?dory

87. First person you talked to today?melissa

88. Last person you talked to today?until now it was elle

89. Name a person you hate?donald trump

90. Name a person you love?guess? thats right, abby

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?not especially but i’m always wanting to punch my dad tbh

92. In a fight with someone?what?? if u mean “ever been…” then yes, my brother

93. How many sweatpants do you have?none :((

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?oooo a lot, but i only use 1 bc its my fave

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“One evening at dusk, I came upon my friend.”

[roguewn]

Kylo’s official playlist and some very interesting choices

I’m very late to the party, but I only recently took some time to go through the SW official spotify playlist because I don’t have Spotify so I never happen to go there tbh. Rey’s playlist left me a bit ??? with some choices that look very OOC to me, but some others are truly on point.

But Kylo’s playlist is the real gem. First of all, I now looooove to imagine Kylo as a super dark rocker who shakes his long hair in time with some good hard rock music (this image is so funny, honestly). But mostly, the lyrics to many songs in his playlist are SO fitting and so... foreshadowing?

So I decided to put together the most interesting lyrics of Kylo’s playlist and underline the most striking ones related to Kylo’s relationship with Snoke/his family/Rey and his conflicting thoughts/foreshadowing of him turning back to the light side (?)  (without commenting them because it’d get too long, but often they’re so explicit that they don’t even need explanation). LLLLLeggo!

------

“I can't go on this way Not as I am today The ugly side of me is strong

I left me long ago Reasons you'll never know No one to miss me when I'm gone With no more words to say No argument to stay. Another post I don't belong

No home to call my own No finding someone new No one to break the fall No one to see me through No name to carry on

I see the man ripping at my soul now I, I know the man I know him all too well

There's nothing here for free Lost who I want to be My serpent blood can strike so cold On any given day I'll take it all away Another thought I can't control”

-- This Means War (Avenged Sevenfold)

-----

“Remember the moment you left me alone and Broke every promise you ever made I was an ocean, lost in the open Nothing could take the pain away”

-- Throne (Bring Me The Horizon)

-----

“I try to face the fight within But it's over I'm ready for the riot to begin And surrender I walked the path that led me to the end Remember I'm caught beneath with nothing left to give Forever

Grey skies will chase the light away no longer I fought the fight now only dark remains Forever Divided I will stand And I will let this end”

-- Angels Fall (Breaking Benjamin)

-----

“I gave my everything For all the wrong things In this cold reality I made This selfish war machine

Oh, this has become hell How can I share this life With someone else?”

-- Dark Side Of Me (Coheed And Cambria)

-----

“Will I miss the final warning From the lie that I have lived Is there anybody calling I can see the soul within And I am not worthy I am not worthy of this

Are you with me after all Why can't I hear you Are you with me through it all Then why can't I feel you

Stay with me, don't let me go Because there's nothing left at all Stay with me, don't let me go Until the Ashes of Eden fall

Will the light begin to pull me To its everlasting will? I can hear the voices haunting There is nothing left to fear And I am still calling I am still calling to you

Shine until there's nothing left but you”

-- Ashes Of Eden (Breaking Benjamin)

-----

“Your lies are fueled by your need for deceit Too scared to speak You're only alive when you torture the weak Now hear me roar

I will not take this anymore These words will never be ignored You want a battle Here's a war”

-- You Want A Battle? Here’s A War (Bullet For My Valentine)

-----

“I finally found her, and when I did I just couldn't make things right. Is this really happening? Oh, God, I think I just ruined my life.

What the fuck am I doing? I can't tell the difference from wrong and right. I second guess my decisions 'Cause I haven't been this person in my whole life I think I need something new here

Just know that it kills me When I hear anything to do with you. You won't see it, but believe me, I need to be right where you are.

And this kills me, 'Cause now I think that everything's, everything's about you”

-- Out Of Time (A Day To Remember)

-----

“And if I were you I'd fear me more than death himself, because when I am through with all I'll do you'll wish to burn in motherfucking hell.

This is our vengeance. Orphan of broken dreams: Your word isn't what it seems.”

-- Vengeance (Woe, Is Me)

-----

“Theres a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name But I could never let you know how much this means I swear we'll end this war, cause we both know It wasn't worth fighting for”

-- A Cross And A Girl Named Blessed (Evans Blue)

-----

“Am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? To follow the desire That burns from within To push away my fear To stand where I'm afraid I am through with this Cuz I am more than this I promise to myself Alone and no one else My flame is rising higher

I've been sacrificed My hearts been cauterized Hanging on to hope Shackled by the ghost Of what I once believed That I could never be

I don't believe I'll fall from grace Won't let the past decide my fate Leave forgiveness in my wake Take the love that I've embraced”

-- I Am The Fire (Halestorm)

-----

“As I drag the Devil down I will stand alone No longer defeated

I'm falling to pieces Stained and used I know what I need and it's not you It's not you”

-- Defeated (Breaking Benjamin)

-----

“If you don't love me You don't love anybody Ain't you glad it's you?

There are things I know we should better not do  but I know you could Sleep with me And we'd still be friends Or I know I'll go insane

Love is the answer I'll go insane

Wish me luck This was a hard year And I can't see No brighter future Wish me luck I saw the answer It was a girl”

-- The Answer (Savages)

-----

“Feel me now Hold me please I need you to see who I am Open up to me Stop hiding from me It's hurting babe Only you can stop the pain”

-- Dead Inside (Muse)

-----

“It seems that all that was good has died And is decaying in me”

-- Down With The Sickness (Disturbed)

-----

“I have a home Longing to roam I have to find you I have to meet you

Signs of your face Slowing your pace I need your guidance I need to seek my innervision Innervision

My pupils dance Lost in a trance Your sacred silence Losing all violence

Stars in their place Mirror your face I need to find you I need to seek my innervision Innervision.”

-- Innervision (System Of A Down)

-----

“I'm not a martyr, I'm not a prophet, And I won't preach to you, but here's a caution; You better understand, that I won't hold your hand, But if it helps you mend, then I won't stop it.

Drown if you want, and I'll see you at the bottom, Where you'll crawl on my skin and put the blame on me, so you don't feel a thing”

-- Cochise (Audioslave)

-----

“Cause you do What you're told But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold 

Just how deep do you believe? Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees? Are you brave enough to see? Do you want to change it?”

-- The Hand That Feeds (Nine Inch Nails)

-----

“Now who's the light and who is the devil? You can't decide so i'll be your guide And one by one they will be hand chosen, Now this is what it's like when worlds collide”

-- When Worlds Collide (Powerman 5000)

-----

“I reach for calm I starve for a balance unknown This burden tortures me deep in my soul

I've found that strife won't make the bleeding stop Nor will it take away the pain I feel like this search is all in vain And I struggle to find my way

Guilt buries me alive In a coffin - criticized I shouldered the blame and dug this hole for me to lay in”

-- Strife (Trivium)

-----

Phew, this was a long post! Can’t wait to use some of these quotes on my next edits. What’s your personal favorite?

[stopkiwibea]

Guys help I’m emotional

So I wrote a thing- Its a Langst thing.

It isnt finished and its just in the ‘summarize’ stage but… I dont know if I should expand on it?

Read it under the cut if you wantttt

(post season 2)

First Part:

Shiro is still missing, the team does the musical chairs with the lions. Keith is Black, Lance is Red, Allura is Blue. Lance feels disconnected from his identity. Is he the jester? Is he the sharpshooter? Is he just a replacement that’s supposed to try and fit the red lion’s traits? He isnt sure. He tries to keep things going like normal. “But he isnt stupid and he notices how they treat him”(line from the prompt) and he shuts down. Trains more, sleeps less. Focuses more, eats less. Obeys more, talks less. To the point where he’s a walking shell of himself and “Got it” “Yes sir” “On it” short and quick comments. Everyone is stressed, relieved that ‘lance isnt making this harder’ and doesnt notice how broken he is. Its not til the y get Shiro back that he finally visibly breaks. (i.e. hes supposed to go back to blue but he cant? He doesnt know who he is anymore? He visibly looks confused when someone jokes that ‘lance can go back to being lance’ and its said in a way that just enforces more self hatred for the guy he used to be) so he tries to bond with blue again but she isnt letting him in, she doesnt like how cold he is at his core, doesnt understand what happened to her favorite paladin, wont let anyone in(mentally, she still lets allura pilot) and no one understands why… at first. Cuz Shiro is getting increasingly uncomfortable with “how much lance has improved” cuz he’s realizing its not a good change- Lance is getting even quieter as the days go by because, hell, blue wont let him in, why is he even here then?

Hunk tries telling him jokes they used to say back on earth (lance just stares at him like the joke went over his head), pidge tries to get some insane ideas out of him again (he is too strategic now, nothing he says is ‘insane’ anymore), Coran invites him to help clean in hopes it will bring him to talk (lance stays silent the entire time), Keith bugs him/tries to get him fired up over small things (lance just shrugs and listens as keith gets progressively more angry about the lack of response and is removed from the room), Allura leaves every window open for lance to flirt or crack a joke/ intentionally pausing as if waiting for one that she can hear in her head (he never does and the meetings are forced), Shiro thinks its his fault / due to the stress of having to find him that broke lance (he’s only half way right.) Lance just… cant understand who he is supposed to be anymore. Lance thinks that the castle is better now, with less yelling, less mistakes, they get through meetings faster, and his ‘sharpshooter’ title becomes the only thing he holds onto. (like a living breathing gun)

No one knows how to help him.

Things get worse.

The team cant form voltron.

Even the lions feel disconnected from each other.

Lance feels responsible.

“I cant even be the sharpshooter if I dont have a lion”

“Its my fault for severing my bond with blue/she cant recognise me anymore.”

“I dont understand why the team is like this. Why cant you guys bond?”

Keith yells “ITS BECAUSE OF YOU” (he doesnt mean it that way. He’s just wants the old lance back, the one he was growing to love. The others know that. Lance doesnt.)

Lance leaves in the middle of the night after that.

The team searches and searches but they cant find him.

They fear lance is gone forever. They fear that they caused this.

Second Part:

Its been a month. Still no sign of Lance. Until they get a signal from a Galra ship hoarding prisoners. And Blue, who never fully disconnected from Lance, feels him on that ship. She relays this to Allura and the team regroups, planning to break him out. They had to work on their bonds, strengthen them in the hopes that they would eventually find Lance. In a way, he is still holding the team together.

Lance is on that ship. Has been for 2 weeks? 3? He isnt sure. He just knows hes in so much pain, hes surprised he isnt dead yet.

(prompt continues where he strikes deals to take other prisoners beating for them, is still a selfless asshole, learns how small his vocabulary got with all the “yes sir” shit he was doing, and he still has his smart mouth (never got rid of it, just… couldnt use it with the team- his brain felt like it had short circuited in front of them) The prisoners dont understand why he would endure so much pain just for them. They thank him and care for him as he drifts through the blackouts. Queue lance getting to know these prisoners, understanding their strengths and weaknesses, and using that (slowly oh so slowly) to try and find a way to break out. He does. He tells them this plan. They praise him for his kind heart and smart thinking, the tell him things he never would have thought about himself. He’s happy. He thinks he knows who he is again. The problem is, he cant feel his legs after that last beating. He can barely stay awake. He thinks hes failed. Again. But the prisoners say otherwise. They make a makeshift stretcher for him. He protests, telling them he’ll only get in the way like this, they tell him “nonsense! You saved us too many times to think about leaving you here. Its our turn to save you.”)

The team is breaking through the defenses when they notice the main ship going crazy. Pidge scans it “its the prisoners! They broke out!” Hunk is overjoyed “I knew Lance could do it!” Its Keith who still has a bad feeling. Shiro directs them to take out all the smaller ships, let Allura and Keith get to the hanger. Keith gets there first, busts the doors open, Allura slides Blue in. They both get out, on foot, within 5 minutes of landing and take out the soldiers. The doors behind them open and here come the prisoners. They dont see Lance at first. Allura is quick to signal them over to blue. As Keith is still fighting, Allura runs over to Blue, getting her to open up for the prisoners, and they both stop. They feel the mental connection that should have been lost but its still there. Keith finished with the soldiers and runs to Allura’s side. Allura stares at the prisoners “I-is he really… Is our friend really with you?” The prisoners part to let them see the middle of their group and theres Lance. On the stretcher, looking worse than they ever could have imagined.

Keith knew he had a bad feeling.

With no time to waste, Blue growled, snapping everyone to attention and the rescue continues.

(lance is watched like a hawk by these prisoners who (understandably, dont know if lance is really their ‘friend’ and they decide to be protective of him. Very. protective.) They are able to open a wormhole and everyone gets on the ship ok. Well… relatively. Lance still hasnt woken up the entire rescue mission and its concerning to everyone. They get him in a pod just as his breathing threatens to stop. Coran is all but sobbing, so grateful that they made it in time, no matter how slim of a window that was. Hunk is sitting by the pod, staring at his friend, tears rolling off his cheeks. Pidge is just trying to take everything in, none of the prisoners were her brother or father, and lance(whos been missing for a month) is stuck in a pod. Allura is speaking with the prisoners, explaining who they are and who lance use to be. (they are very surprised considering how low his self esteem was that he was ever a paladin of the great voltron) Shiro, standing by hunk, still feeling guilty, is lost in his thoughts about whether or not Lance will be happy when he wakes up in the castle.

Keith is just… sitting with some of the younger prisoners and crying. Crying because they are telling him everything that Lance did for them. And crying because “he isnt gone, hes still in there, i thought we lost him forever, guys we have to fix this”

Lance comes out of the pod a week later and YAY ITS ALL HAPPY MANY HUGS AND APOLOGIES AND LANCE UNDERSTANDING THAT HE IS WORTH SOMETHING AND THEY WANT THE GOOFY GUY BACK BUT ONLY IF HES OK WITH THAT ALRIGHT ONLY IF HES OK WITH ITTTTTTTTTTT

[dabumbumblife]

Saying goodbye to another relationship

Hey everyone, so i got an interesting story for y'all. I was a part of this very fast pace relationship that only lasted a little over a month. The woman's name was D____. At first, I fell for her kindness. The fact that she helped me out even after being two hours late AND searching for me when I was lost, spoke volumes about her character. The second was her personality. It was literally like dating fire, any second you could get burned, but at the same time, you couldnt help but want to be near the warmth. Finally, dear lord her body was the hottest i've dated yet. There were always rocky instances throughout the short relationship. She would often get jealous of my friends, whether they be in the philippines, or abroad. She would often get jealous in general, even with my own family as well as ex's that I havn't seen in or spoken to in years. It was tiring to fight every single day, but I still fell very hard for the woman. Despite her jealousy, I wanted to stick with her, to be the guy she'd be with in the end. but that never came into fruition. Why? Because her personal life continuously unhinged what little we started to build. Plus, her unyielding need to point out negative factors of me, or just straight up judge me. It was baffling. Let me start with the first problem: 1. The girl had people courting her for years. Now this by itself isn't an issue. The problem is that she would continue to take gifts from these people far after we had decided to start dating. No, neither of these guys gave up, she continuously said that they're just friends but, lets be real, they don't see it like that. A woman must be able to command her own path, not be so weak willed when it comes to others interfering with the relationship. 2. She was all about money. I don't know what sparked this issue, but she really started to focus soley on money. It was asif every single aspect of our relationship revolved around it. To be honest, I spent more on her (percentage wise) than any other woman i've dated. I doubt she noticed cuz she was too buy looking at the value spent (or lackthereof) rather than what i'm actually sacraficing to be with her. Now I only have about 20.00 that must last about 30 days. Good luck to me. 3. She can't let go of the past. Granted she was head over heels for a guy before, and various men have been trying (and even while we were dating, have continued to try) to date her, i stood firm about my feelings towards her. However, in her case, she would dig... find whatever she could on facebook, or even start imagining things, blow it up, and break up with me on a whim. I felt like nothing almost every time she did that. It felt like I really couldn't open up to her about anything after awhile... 4. She called me some other guys name. Thats kinda self explanitory, there isn't much to be said after that. I was treating her to some bubble tea, she called me one of her other guys names. Yeah... imagine how my heart felt when that happened... I am still not over it. 5. She talks highly of other men. This is probably my biggest pet peeve. How can a woman say shes dating and has a boyfriend, when she quite literally says "xyz loves me far more than you do" followed by words like " Sometimes I ask god why I don't love him back". Girl... the fuck. Its one thing to think a friend or whatever is amazing. Its another to always rub in the things that I am currently limited to doing, or even worse, comparing and saying I fail in the most basic of things that I know I am trying my best at, especially to others who are still trying to court her (when they're supposed to stop... but she never stops them). 6. She lies. I mean, everyone lies. I don't believe theres anyone in this world who could say otherwise. However her lies aren't white lies. She willingly omits information regarding other men at near intimate levels just so "I won't get mad". The issue is the situation in the first place. I have to admit, I too have lied to her, about meeting up with a friend. However, that time was to actually talk about her and kind of brag about her, also to get help on what we can do together later that month as a couple, it backfired and she forever stopped trusting me. 7. She believes in other peoples words. This is probably another one that hurts me. I would tell her something, really think out my words before I send them but what she would do is go asking one of those guys that are trying to court her, and they would flip my words against me. She willingly chooses their words over mine. I hope nobody feels through that type of pain. 8. She did the "pick between your friends of me" question. Like wow... what are we 11? Stop with that shit, you're a freaking adult. 9. She had no actual faith in us succeeding, regardless of me being a foreigner. She would continuously say "This will eventually end" and "i'm going to marry an arab for the money so my family will be happy" etc. Her mind had already been setup to want us to fail. Almost every single day she would remind me that i'm either not good enough, that other men are doing things for her, or that she sees no future in us being together. I still question then, why call yourself my girlfriend and be with me, if you already want us to fail? There isn't much willpower in negativity. I just couldn't when we spoke about future plans. She wasn't ready. 10. There are alot more, but this will be the last. She wouldn't listen. Above all else this was probably the one that was the most devistating. Rather than hear my own words, she would listen to others. Instead of listening to me (having to defend myself on a daily mind you) about how I am literally doing nothing, she would make believe something, get furious and lash out. The amount of times we would just walk around the mall and she would scream at me for looking at some random girl (another note, she happily looks at other men...and women... and then screams at me when I have been trained to look down to the floor out of respect) when I wasn't even looking. My eyes are averted to the floor, out of respect for women, they aren't sex objects to me, they are people of equal status. I respect them and hopefully they respect me. She couldn't get this. She never wanted to communicate or look through my eyes on things, just blow up, f @ eel bad, and wait for me to come back begging, even though I had done nothing wrong. This was a destructive relationship by leaps and bounds. I am actually very hurt because I was so into the thought of this working out. Now i'm just like "wow... I lost everything and she don't even say nothing". She broke up with me by text btw, imagine how thats like. I really tried my best to make this work. I wish she just saw how much effort I had put in, just paid the tiniest bit of attention on the actions I did... something. I know I was her first bf and lover, thats probably why she doesn't realize what she truly had. But she made up her mind, blocked me on all forms and has probably moved on, or at least is in the process. I will truly miss her, because I loved her. I tried so damn had to make things work, I guess it was just too real when I blew up and texted out my entire grievances with what she's been doing up till now. All she got out of it was "you think low of me" and "you indirectly called me a hoe"... shes too immature to really see that she isn't ready for the seriousness of a relationship. I wish it was otherwise, but thats how it is. Thus is the life of a foreigner!... Now I have two tickets to a theme park this sunday and nobody to go with. I will miss you girl, more than you'll ever know.

[nknewstart-blog]

115 days in

You make me regret not just the day of the wedding but the day i met you. I wish that day i said nah fuck him i’m better off.. I wish... but wishes don’t come true. 

Theres been many fights/arguments about money, about fights, and my weight .. about honestly everything. 

The last big fight we got into was after camping how my brother is using me for money.. There was soo much you said but you don’t know about my brothers financials and what he is doing is because he needs to.. you telling me that he’s doing bad things well did you as well when you were desperate.. so why is he the bad one.. you told me how my family uses me for money.. but hey if you wanna bring up money i have a lot to say... you said one thing that hurts me so much. you said i make a fraction of what you make.. yes you’re right you make so much more but don’t forget with all my saving and the wedding gift my parents gave when we opened our acct i think it equals out. not the first time you said it.. in-fact, Every fight we have had since the wedding you have brought up how i make less money than you.. Thats not fair

With the wedding you always enjoyed hurting me because thats something i really wanted. Every time you were upset you would be like lets not get married or you would get stressed and be like lets not.. for a year it was on and off, even the day to pick the date i remember cancelling and rebooking khane because you kept calling it off.. A girls dream is her wedding day, thats the happiest day of her life. I was not happy.. cuz i knew how much pain you put me through for this wedding to happen.. how you fought with me about just getting married, about how you couldn’t afford it.. you made sure that day was ruined for me.. you knew that was my dream but you made sure i was unhappy because it wasn’t your dream right.. or was it that you saw i got happy planning the wedding and you didn’t want to see me happy... i don’t know why you enjoyed hurting me 

You are doing the same thing to me once again with the house. We have been talking about moving out since January.. Its mid August... In the beginning it was you just being like no no, or you get stressed and say we cant afford it... lately its your family.. how long am i suppose to take this or are you waiting for me to stop being happy about moving out? or are you waiting till i’m so hurt i am broken and you find happiness in that? Why do you keep leading me on but let everyone hurt me, and your family don’t even know that you’re putting the blame pretty much on them. 

Our fight yesterday made me realize that you do this, this is who you are. You use my happiness to push me down to bring yourself up. I don’t know if you’re feeling more superior because i cant get what i want or i don’t know. You brought up school. Yes i had said i would finish before we get married and before having kids but why cant you realize i hate school. I honestly hate it and have no motivation. you brought it up yourself i fail so much thats why i am in debt.. Knowing i fail why do you want me to continue it and keep failing or does that make you happy to? that i get really down when i fail? why haven’t you been supportive husband instead of being my parent and making me do something i don’t want to. Why? We bought talked about me pursuing what i wanted to do and you were like yes you can get your realtor license and leave school because you don’t enjoy it.. But last night me telling you how i feel about the house thing you brought school up again. once again pushing me down to keep yourself up when in reality you haven’t gone to school i truly feel you have no right to tell me to. and i am not your child why do you act like i am. 

You keep telling me how you may give more and more to your parents to help support them and i have never been against it. Hearing your sister who makes 2 - 3 times more than both of us together say she cant even afford to give your parents money to support them makes me feel like maybe you’re the one getting used. Why is she saying no? but maybe cuz she has kids maybe she needs the money for that... then what comes to my mind is what about us when we have kids? how will we be able to support ourself, our kids and your parents? Why does she get to be selfish but i cant even have a say? But i am not like that i don’t want to be selfish. But i also don’t want us to struggle and i don’t want to be poor because parents aren’t just one kids responsibility its both or at least whatever each can afford. and i feel like your sis should help instead of us struggling. 

speaking to you yesterday made me realize you would be okay with me being homeless or hungry or just broke broke but your family should not even blink. yes you’re right towards your parents but i didn’t realize thats what i married. my mom is helping us so we can be happy and we can survive. I honestly see my future asking my mom for money and asking her to help me support us so we are okay so you can spend whatever you have to support your family.. But maybe thats why you want me to finish school so my pay can take care of us and yours can go all towards your family.. thats how i feel. if that is the care i really want to know now than in the future. 

I wish you were home you would know how your mom indirectly tells me how much i hurt her and how god watches. how i am the reason you don’t want to live with her. I wish you knew how she talks to me and how shitty she makes me feel. She told me how her dad asked her brother to take care of his mom but his wife made him move to Canada and because he broke his moms heart cuz of his wife he has never been happy and she cheats on him and he just takes it. If me making you move away from your parents will ruin your life, i don’t want to. and why is it always the wife’s fault. she always says things about everyone who’s married to someone she’s related to.. like your sis she says how kalu ruined her life. Her brother, his wife ruined his life. Her sister, her ex ruined her life. If being married ruins each others lives than why stay married? will i be next.. actually i already am just indirectly to me but straight up to someone else.  I am constantly being told how hard it is to have kids. How kids will do nothing but break hearts. I watch and hear what she says and i do agree with her she has her heart broken because you lead her on for so long.. but than i look at our lives and i see a couple struggling cuz you don’t want to hurt her and i cant imagine putting someone else in that pain. 

I know having a kid is my dream but i don’t think i can have one anymore. i don’t think i want a kid, I don’t think its a good idea.. From you i know you’ll keep hurting me until i have one and my feeling towards my child will be the pain you put me through.. and the fact whatever you mom has said will always be there. i don’t think having kids is a good idea. It breaks my heart saying that because i have always wanted one but just like the wedding i don’t want it to be a mistake. i don’t want to look at my children and regret wanting them because their father kept putting me in pain. You are the kind of person who likes to put the blame on someone else i know if anything happens to the kids it will always be my fault. and i know you’ll make sure i know it will be my fault. 

I am so heart broken that when i see your face i dont see any love anymore i just see pain and i keep thinking about what you have said and done to me because you knew my weakness.