#my parents gave me bpd

[lavaablast]

My headcanons pt1 (because i self project on everything)

(my opinion remember this is all silly fun) (also i change my mind contantly so expect me to edit this post constantly)

Kai Smith:

the band aid on his eyebrow is there because he has an eyebrow piercing, and he wants to protect it from getting ripped in battle (also doesnt want a scolding from Wu hehe)

self harms but instead of c///ing he burns because well, obvious reasons (less likely to be found out too)

orthorexic, is obsessed with being in peak physical form

hear me out on this one, i know he eats junkfood (so do orthorexics okay every 3d is diferent) anyway he never does it alone. he eats junkood only with other people, and he's always thinking he'll "make up for it" later. so yes he eats junkfood and yes he is orthorexic (felt like i had to defend my point there dsfsd)

body dysmorphia. knows he looks good but doesnt know what he looks like

"if i gave up on being pretty, i wouldn't know how to be alive" or wtv mitski said

has an extensive skincare routine but if anyone asks him he'll just say he "washes his face with cold water"

anger issues, but like he can explode on the ninja too and then he immediately regrets it but its too late which leaves him with... ->

guilt. ALL THE TIME. its in the back of his head wherever he goes

sun aries, moon sagittarius. i wont back down on this (im a sun aries and moon sag)

claims he "doesnt care" but actually cares so much it hurts (especially about Nya/Lloyd he'd do anything for them you hear me ANYTHING)

has strong morals and ideals but will give them up in a second when needed for survival of himself or the ninja (people often see this as a bad thing but he just wants everyone to live no matter the cost)

ironically, can't handle spicy food and is ALWAYS made fun of it by the others

is reckless and takes stupid risks because he does not care for his body whatsoever (the others think he doesnt know whats at stake, he does, but doesnt care when it's just his own saftey he's risking)

lowkey a perfectionist, but has a different idea of perfect than others so they wouldnt know (aka he needs things/himself/stuff he makes to be perfect, but not perfect objectively, perfect to what he thinks is right)

loves his parents because they tried their best, but still resents them. he hates that he does, but he does

cried all of his tears out ONCE after Nyas "death" and didnt cry at all after that, instead taking so much on his plate that he didnt get a single chance to think about it again (it'd be too painul, this was easier) which lead to....->

his grief being put on hold; and only when Nya already was back did it come out and he had no idea why he was feeling this way so he didnt tell anyone (what would he have said, im in agony for no reason at all?) and it was HELL to do it alone

tied to the above; he couldn't ask for help if his life depended on it (literally)

loves too hard

hates too hard

BPD coded (i dont wanna diagnose him but,,, im justsayinnn *whistles while walking away suspiciously*)

trust issues, but lowk all the ninja have them because like,,, just look at what they have to deal w bro

commitment issues because freedom is the most important thing in the world (after Nya/Lloyd) so settling down or commiting to one thing too long feels like threatining his freedom

actually smart (both emotinally and intelligently) but doesnt use his brains capabilities that much

great memory but also shit memory (remembers a whole row of numbers for no reason but forgets he has to pick up lloyd from the arcade..)

hot. thats all i rest my case

loves himself but hates himself

everything and nothing at the same time, everything about him contradicts himself, but also doesnt, but also does

hes a really simple person, really. but also the most complex one youll ever meet.

hates labels, especially being labeled by others (for the reasons above)

likes men but hates labels so,, no labels (not even the label "unlabeled")

infact he has a deep hatred for the label 'unlabeled' because if something is unlabeled, then why are you LABELING IT

red. everything is red redredred RED he loves red

has sibling bracelets with nya and lloyd (kai has green & dark blue, lloyd red & dark blue, nya red and green)

everything has to be red except the things that are black and orange. i rest my case once again

drinks just a bit too much for it to be considered concerning (started at 14)

will yell and scream at anyone who tries to help him (why do they think he needs help? why are they babying him? why cant the see he is capable?)

wouldnt let nya touch a bottle until she was 18 (be thankful nya its for the best)

paints his nails black or red.

has a strand of hair dyed red all the time

perfect teeth even tho he often forgets to brush them (how? fuck do i know)

would be a hyena i he was an animal

hates smartphones so he has a.. push-button phone?? whatever they're called. and he also only has the nokia brand. wont change it for a thing

"hates technology" but couldnt live without video games

loves to try new things but will have a breakdown if he HAS to try new things

stubborn asf, wont ever do anything he doesnt want to, which...->

makes people think he's selfish, but actually he's quite the opposite

selfless in an unconventional way, i'll make a drawing explaining it

please understand what i mean with that chart because it explains it so well in my brain

thats it for now cfdsfdr

[sataraxia]

you're losing me.

miguel o'hara x fem!reader

summary: 'you're losing me' by taylor swift.

genre: angst, so much angst. basically a songfic.

warnings: cursing, violence, hard violence at the end, the reader shows signs of bpd. it "continues" the across the spiderverse plot.

a/n: i wanted to do this for a while now, i'm a fluff fan but a taylor swift one first. english isn't my first language so pls let me know my mistakes.

w.c: 13.2k

You have been with Miguel for more than a while now, just without a confirmation in between, there was never an "I love you", much less an " I’m sorry", but you two knew it, you cared for each other, and it would always be like that, no need for words.

But it was later that you really got to know the man you loved unconditionally.

You say “I don’t understand and i say, “I know you don’t”

“Love, you’ve been with that for a whole week, don’t you think it’s time to stop?” you said with no more than sweetness and care in your voice.

He didn’t say anything, not even look at you.

“I know that it’s important, but you haven't been eating, or sleeping well.” letting out a sigh, you tried to approach him. “I'm going out on a long mission tomorrow, you know, we could get dinner, or something.”

“I don’t understand how you could think that getting dinner is more important than this, and you should be working too, get out.” it was like he had put a wall between you two, ‘cause you didn’t dare to get closer than you were.

And it’s been like that for some time now, since the events of earth 1610, he’s been a workaholic, but you could take it, you always could.

“We thought a cure would come through in time..”

You’ve been out on this mission for almost three weeks, you missed your friends, missed Miguel, ‘cause maybe, just maybe, he was being himself again.

Of course not. When you arrived at the HQ, more specifically his office, the first thing you saw of him was a man yelling at a kid that a citizen was supposed to be dead, and the same fate was meeting the kid’s father.

The thing was, you didn’t really enjoy talking about canon events with Miguel, because you don’t like the term, in fact, you hate that he invented a word that justifies all the pain you, and everyone here, endured.

You wanted to do something, help Miles, but your thoughts were blurry, knowing that every decision you take from now on can change everything with Miguel.

“..now I fear it won’t.”

“Remember lookin’ at this room, we loved it ‘cause of the light.”

The chase after Miles already started, and you just stood there, while every other Spider-Man was trying to capture a kid.

You wanted to scream, most likely to the man who gave the order, but you had to stay on his side, right? 

At least that was what your body wanted, ‘cause suddenly you were in the platform, the one where Miguel had brought you everytime you were injured, where you had your first kiss and the so many more that followed.

You didn’t even think about it, you started helping Miguel telling him where you saw Miles in the cameras, opening the path for him.

“Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time.”

This was the man you’ve fallen for? the one that was hitting a kid, telling him that he shouldn’t even exist? you knew part of his behavior was because of his feral instincts, but trying to justify this was making you sick.

You saw how Miles was running for his life, feeling betrayed by his own people, hurting like hell just wanting to come home to his parents, that’s when it hit you, you couldn’t do this.

He reached the machine that would send him “home”, you could hear your lover yelling at you from the ear piece that you two shared “Shut it off! Come on!”.

“Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?”

Your thoughts were colliding in your mind, the typical “my heart wants something but my brain another” line sounding everywhere.

But time took the choice for you, Miles was already gone and you didn’t do anything to stop it, nothing came from the other side of the communicator, but you’ve never heard a silence quite this loud.

The fear that you were experiencing right now was almost unrecognizable. almost.

“I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes”

It was the same fear that you had the day he found you.

Like every other spider person, you had been through a lot, but it came to a point where your family didn’t acknowledge you anymore, the only friend you had died because of you.

So, you’ve always known you were a failure, thinking about it now, maybe the relationship you’ve built with Miguel it’s just because he was the first person that didn’t see you as one.

It was hard at first, learning that everytime your parents insulted you, all the times that you were punished by them, all they took from you, all that was supposed to happen, hell, it had to be like that.

With time, and with Miguel by your side, you grew comfortable in your position, you could stay with him forever, just like he promised all the times you crawled to him after a bad day or a bad memory. forever, right? 

“You might just have dealt the final blow.”

You were facing each other, he was always taller than you, but right now, you feel like the smallest thing in the world, you’ve known this feeling, and you don’t want that to happen with him.

But it was too late to want and not want things.

“Why didn't you do it? It was a simple button.” his voice was raspy, probably from all the yelling before, but he’s being cautious with you, the feeling in your stomach confirms it.

“I didn’t think like it was the right thing.” you didn’t tremble, he knows that you need him, but he also knows the woman you are.

“What?” that was it.

Silence, it could have been just seconds, but it feels like eternity to you, maybe because eternity was beautiful in your eyes, and what he started to say, definitely not.

“It’s incredible how after all this time, all of the effort I put on you, you show up to be just a disappointment, i don’t care what you think.”

“Stop.” he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it.

“Stop, you’re losing me.”

“No, you dont get for me to stop, I've always been there for you, I saved you again and again for you to turn your back on me? really?” you could feel the anger in his voice.

“Miguel, it's not like that, stop.” a little steps to get closer, you needed him closer.

“Stop, you’re losing me.”

“It is like that, it's always like that, you always fail and let me down, you don’t care about the real things because you’re stuck to keep suffering for some stupid thing that happened to you years ago, i'm tired of you being a nuisance to me.”

“My heart won’t start anymore..”

“What?” now it was your turn, without letting the tears take over your face. “I’m a nuisance? And what about you? the only thing you’ve been doing is watching on that little screen something that you could never have again, holding on to the memory of your mistakes, jealous that a kid can know beforehand and actually do something about it!” you know you don’t mean this, you know his suffering, but this was just too much.

“What I do is my business, but you work for me, you have to do what I say.” his tone wasn’t cautious anymore, his words were as thin as a dagger, was it always like that for him?

“I don’t work for you, i’m your-” he cut you off, almost instantly.

“You’re nothing to me.” he didn’t look at you when he said that.

“..for you.”

“What are you gonna do to that kid?” your voice was kinda broken, but you glared at him with storms in your eyes.

“Whatever is necessary to avoid him destroying a whole universe.”

“And the air is thick with loss and indecision.”

“Then I'm gone.” you turned away, he didn’t say anything, he didn’t look back.

He didn’t care if you were gone, he was letting you go just this easy, when your whole body was screaming at you that you should crawl to him, beg for his care and for his love, like you always did.

“Now you’re running down the hallway, and you know what they all say..”

That night, Miguel went to his room, that was yours too, expecting to find you a crying mess, it was always like that, you two had argued before, and he knows that he can fix this, by fixing you.

Opposite of his imagination, you weren’t there, all that was left was all your stuff, the clothes that he loved seeing you wearing, the gifts that he made, the ones that you made, all of it was there, but not you.

He forgot what fear was like, until he saw the little note you had left behind for him.

“i love you.”

It was the first time that one of you “said” that, and he hated it, hated his vulnerability, hated the short tear that was crossing his jaw now, but mostly, he hated you, for making him feel all of this and being gone.

“You don’t know what you got until it’s gone.”

“My heart won’t start anymore (‘cause you’re losing me).”

It had been three months now, you were helping Miles and his band, they were your friends now and they cared for you.

Mostly Gwen, you talked to her a lot, and she’s been helping you with your feelings.

You were miserable, you hated this so much, hated him so much.

The truth was that you were dying to go with him, you were so attached that it was completely painful, and you were fighting with yourself every day.

Because not matter how much you loved Miguel, you were on your own now, and you had the right to think and act for yourself, so if that means you have to be against him, even fight him, then you were going to do it.

That was what you said to yourself, but when the moment came, when all of your friends were fighting against the corporation you helped build, when the love of your life was in front of you, claws and teeth out, you were paralyzed.

“‘Til we were too far gone to bring back to life”

He was getting closer and closer, and some part of you was hoping that this was the man that didn’t even need words for you to know he loved you, the man that you would give up on your life from, you would do anything or everything for the things to go back to how they were.

“I gave you all my best me’s, my endless empathy.”

And that thought alone bothered you, why would you do everything for a man that was about to kill you if necessary? you were done with this.

You threw the first punch, as it was unexpected, he didn’t block it at all.

“And all I did was bleed as i tried to be the bravest soldier.”

“I’m not afraid of you.” your voice didn’t come off as he expected, you weren’t fragile anymore.

And so it began, he was a fighter and he wasn’t containing, you were hurt but you didn’t stop,for now you were blocking his claws and pushing him towards a kind of factory in the city, the farther away he was from Miles, the better.

“You’re not gonna kill a child Miguel, I'm not letting you.” he didn’t even care to respond, god how you hated that he wasn’t giving any signal of regret in all of this.

“You can still come with us, with me, you know?” of all the things he could’ve said, he chose that.

“Fighting in only your army, frontlines, don’t you ignore me.”

You didn’t respond, he kept talking.

“You are my best soldier, come on.” you were under him, he could finish this right now, you were bleeding and sore, he was too.

“I’m the best thing at this party (you’re losing me).”

The only reason you couldn’t hate him was the memories of what you had, but that, the attitude that he has on top of you, like your life was only in his hand, that he was portraying himself as your forever savior, you were boiling with rage.

You moved as fast as you could, pushing him off of you with the studies you had collected of fighting beside him, now you were on top, hitting at him with blood nubling your “pretty eyes” as he called them.

With that, he understood there was not a turning the situation, this was it, this is how it’s gonna end.

He grabbed you with all his strength and started shoving your body against the columns in the old fabric, along with this, he was telling you how disappointed he was, villainizing you for leaving him alone.

You couldn’t hear due to the damage.

“And I'm fading thinking do something, babe, say something.”

Blow comes, blow goes, you weren’t thinking of what you were doing, you were so mad that he wasn’t saying something, that he prefers this before taking the risk of believing in you.

“I hate you.” you thought about every time, how he manipulated you, how he controlled every feeling and idea in your head, and you hated how much you would love to stop this and go back to that.

“Lose something babe, risk something.”

He wasn’t fighting back anymore, the floor was cold and every punch that touched his skin made him feel warm.

He was regretting everything, he didn’t care about Miles now, he didn’t care about another universe anymore, he only cared about you, the universe of his own.

“I did everything for you, I would've died only for you, I would've even killed Miles for you, and I think I would still do it if you just choose me!”

You were letting it all out, not even listening to the voice of the man under you.

“Choose something, babe, i got nothing to believe, unless you’re choosing me.”

You were tired, couldn’t throw anymore hits, and that’s when you noticed, he was barely breathing under you, mumbling some words that you haven’t heard.

Your body didn’t move, you freezed.

“Stop, you’re losing me.”

Miguel used his last strength to clean some of the tears that were traveling down your cheek, you could now hear what he was saying.

“I’m so sorry, amor.” it’s the first time you’ve seen a genuine smile.

“Stop, stop, stop.”

You know there was nothing to be done, and no one could help right now, it was just you and him like it was in the beginning.

“I love you.” you whispered to him, grabbing his hand.

“I love you too.” he closed his eyes.

“I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore.”

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Oh nooooo somebody stole my Aidlyn/Ashden headcanons so now I have to write more ... ✨️

(SORRY IM SPAMMING THE TAG 😭😭😭)

Some of these are based on my dad because he has bpd and he really reminds me of Aiden.

-His sense of humor is so broken like. Probably makes "that's what she said" and "your mom" jokes. Ash thinks he is the unfunniest person alive 🤡 and she STILL laughs at him (but never when he's trying to be funny). I think he'd be on Vine a lot lmao. He would laugh at that video of the bread slice falling over no cap.

-Aiden Clark, Professional Doomscroller. Maybe an itty bitty bit addicted to social media cuz "omg easy dopamine hit" even if he doesn't post a lot. Would prolly be chronically on TikTok if he was a teen today 🤡 Ash WILL steal his phone and hide it so they can "do something productive" (which alternates between her trying to teach him basic life skills to him falling out of a tree because they went outside for five minutes)

-her parents also gave him a truly awful shovel talk. He came out of it, kneeled in front of her, and said if he broke her heart to kill him before her parents did 💖 Tyler and him bond about their "scary in laws", although he has a better relationship with Mike and Emma than Tyler does with Mary and James 🤡

-convinced her to go to prom because "free food" and managed to wrangle out a slow-dance from her. He already likes dancing, SHE likes dancing...he wants to dance together ^_^

-She really likes his normal smile, when he's not forcing it. He takes good care of his teeth, so he's got a real bright smile :)

-Aiden tried to teach her how to skateboard a few times. She can...stand on it without falling off and roll around, but no tricks lol. Ash still thinks it was just an excuse for him to grab her hands or waist while she was balancing.

-Some problems in the relationship: they are not very good at communicating how they feel, so there's a lot of misunderstandings between them unless the gang intervenes haha ":D Sometimes Ash feels very suffocated by him and she really dislikes his apathy towards himself, and Aiden sometimes feels like Ash doesn't care about him nearly as much as he cares about her.

-his depressive episodes alternate between "I'm just gonna lie here and hope I die" to "actively trying to self destruct", sometimes he might go on a binge (overdosing on his meds, and when he's older he might sometimes drink too much or go on really dangerous joy rides, he's an awful driver), they really freak Ash out :( Recovery is a very long road with no end destination. She's trying to get better at reassuring him and he's trying to...just get better.

-both of them suck at remembering their anniversary 🤡 Aiden is a littleeeee bit better

-They have a knife collection they share ❤️

-he has her as "love of my life 💖✨️😍" on his phone contacts and has a special ringtone for her and everything. Absolutely not embarrassed about it, Ash...definitely is 💀 (she has him as "Aiden")

-sends her really bad poetry he wrote for her because writing his feelings down by himself is easier than saying it in the moment. Ash keeps all of them in a shoebox in her closet.

-she's not really good with touching and stuff but she feels better touching him, like a good stim. Really likes holding his face (no eye contact). Also enjoys him holding her hand.

-Secretly a little insecure about how she looks. She has never really thought about it before because she never cared about it, but now, in a relationship, she's kinda self conscious about him perceiving (read: constantly staring) her. She's very short and thin (even with muscles from ballet and training) and feels like a "late bloomer." Aiden thinks she's the closest thing to physical perfection that exists and will tell her this constantly ^_^

-She actually likes how he smells (grâce à: his really expensive soap lmao) but she would die before telling him lol

-The first time she kissed him her brain kinda shut off and she just squished their faces together while puffing her cheeks up. He bust out laughing and completely murdered the mood 💀 They'll figure it out...eventually

[nocturnowlette]

I have been recently diagnosed with a mental health issue and I have been trying to deal with it on my own .I think that it is not the best choice for me and I am curious about how you are dealing with this situation that you are so confident in posting and that is a good thing for you then you be you.

Content Warning for Mental Health Discussion

First, I’m very happy that you’ve decided to reach out to someone about this topic, as it can feel very alienating to do so, and to actively declare that you’re struggling with this. Even further, I’m honored that the person you chose to ask about this is me. I’ll do my best to help.

I suspect that I might be in a similar situation to you. I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism long after my childhood unlike some others, and so I grew up with the idea drilled into my head that I was “normal”, while just being a little different from the other kids. 

I would constantly have kids and adults alike get angry at and yell at me for reasons I didn’t understand, would be called rude or condescending or feel stupid for not understanding things that others seemed to easily. I would find it magical how other people would be able to just do things without issue, and have the only advice given to me to “just do it”. I’d be called lazy and scatterbrained and weird. Because I was supposed to be “normal”, it gave me the impression over time that something about me was just fundamentally wrong. Like I was broken.

The realization of me not being normal, that there might be something defined that actually explains all of these struggles was both enlightening and somewhat soul-crushing at first. It was nice to have an explanation after all of this time, but it felt at first like it reinforced the idea of me being “broken”. I was supposed to be “normal”, and now I’m not. Thinking back to my childhood (which was largely hard to remember for reasons I didn’t question at the time), every small wisp of a memory I would see now through this new lens. Every nice interaction was treated with paranoia, wondering what the person thought of me. Feeling vindictive towards how I was treated, feeling angry at my parents for insisting that I was normal, feeling everything tainted by this realization. I was angry at the world for “making” me this way.

I already had a strong sense of shame and self-hatred, and this only fed the flame of it. However, as time passed and I was able to reflect on it more, me learning about this has only served to help me. The first thing that is important to note is that neurodivergence is not an inherent good or an inherent bad. There are some things that concretely affect your every day life negatively, there are aspects of it that are occasionally useful, and the are things that feel wrong, but only under a societal context.

One of the things I’ve thankful about is having this realization lead me learning about the Social Model of Disability. It’s one of a few, but the simple concept is this: imagine there is a world identical to ours, except that the majority of people had the common grouping of symptoms one would associate with autism. If someone considered normal in our world was placed into that one, they would then be the one that is considered to have a “mental illness”, and there would be no name for autism because it would simply be normal. Architecture and lighting and social traditions and interactions would all accommodate those with what we call autism, and so it would be far easier to navigate the world because it was made for you.

While there are absolutely concrete struggles with autism, with ADHD, with bipolar, with BPD, with schizophrenia, they are made harder by the fact that the world isn’t built for us. There are symptoms and aspects of all of those that are only struggles because “normal” people don’t have them and don’t need to think about or accommodate them. That’s to say, you are not “fundamentally broken”. You are just different, and that can cause friction with a world that functions largely off of fitting in. You are okay, and you are not broken.

Specific to ADHD and other ones with Executive Dysfunction, it’s important to note that “productivity” is not some inherent human good. Capitalism values productivity highly, and that has bled into our culture, but humans are not robots and we were not built to simply produce. Take days where you force yourself to do nothing. If you constantly just think about needing to do something, then you won’t be able to get that relaxation you need to have the energy to do it. You’re kinda stalling yourself out. I still get like this sometimes, but it’s easier to recgonize when you’re doing it the more you’re aware. 

Again, though, while many of these problems are due to just the society we live in, there are concrete issues you need to deal with, ones that would still be problems in that fictional world where everyone has what you do. Sensory issues and depressive mood swings and executive dysfunction are not something you can just will away, and they are things that you need to deal with. However, you still had to deal with those before. Now, you have a name for it. It’s a target, and something defined that you can work on now that it’s no longer some abstract struggle and has a name and known information around it.

And, to reiterate, you are not some fundamentally different person now that you have learned this information. You simply have a name for it now. That is exclusively helpful for you, so long as you don’t fall into the pitfall that I did for a while, which is “learned helplessness”. For a good while, this realization made it feel like I was destined to fail, to never succeed, and to always be different and alienated from others. The truth is that there will always, always be people that will understand and support you. 

In my humble opinion, it’s best to avoid online semi-closed off communities that center exclusively around these neurodivergent struggles. While they’re well intentioned, what I’ve found is that it slowly becomes a place that functions like a crab in a bucket, everyone sort of convincing themselves that they will never grow beyond their struggles, and that any progress they make is in spite of them and not alongside them. In a more open, diluted website like Tumblr it might be better, but I haven’t participated much so I can’t tell you for sure.

It’s best to find communities that have people that struggle with the same things, but function as a general community of people rather than focusing just around that topic. Not only do friendships grow stronger that way, learning more about the person and being able to relate your struggles as well as count the small differences, but it enforces the idea that while this is a significant part of yourself, that it is only a part. It does not define you entirely, it is a texture to your mind. Important, but not everything.

The most important parts of growing as a person alongside your neurodivergence is both to accept it and to try your best to love yourself. Shame is a strong social motivator and it gets instilled into you early. My bullied and the uncompassionate angry adults that harshly corrected me started to form their own sort of critic in my mind, one that would always comment on what I’m doing without anyone else even needing to anymore. This is somewhat present in everyone, but it can turn nasty if it’s too strong and turns into self-hatred like it did with me.

The solution, for me, is to form a new voice in your head, one of rationality and self-forgiveness. I envision is as an owl, but most people simply feel it as an abstract voice. It talks over your negative feelings, over your self critic, reminding you that you are not worthless or broken. Reminding you of the simple facts, things you should keep in mind, even if you don’t feel them right now. As you grow and slowly change, that voice becomes more solidified. It doesn’t override or discount your feelings, but accepts them and tries to remind yourself of what’s true and what’s important.

It’s okay to feel bad, and you keep stay rational at the same time. You can forgive yourself even while you are doing something you perceive as wrong. Failure is the most important part of self-improvement, it could not happen without it. Real, helpful change happens slowly and systematically. You choose every day to do small things that help you, and sometimes fall off the horse entirely before getting back on. Change is not linear, it is not easy, and it is not fast, but it is very, very possible. The key is failure, acceptance, and forgiving yourself for failing and finding it hard to accept yourself.

Finding people that love you for you is extremely helpful, so while communities can have problems, I do highly suggest it. Even a few close friends or even just allies that understand you can make such a big difference. Even something private like a diary or journal or a private blog helps. Turning your feelings into words has some sort of effect. If people could see some of the things I’ve written down in my journal, they’d be extremely concerned for me. It’s a place that lets you get out your worst thoughts.

Lastly, understand that while some mental illnesses are concrete in their existence, others are simply names we give to a common grouping of symptoms. Both Autism and ADHD are just that, and they can potentially have multiple different sources or a combination of them, and also have many different individual nuances. Keep your ears perked to new ideas and always be willing to try them, it might take 100 before you find 1 that works, but every single one makes it a little bit easier.

And remember, you are so, so deserving of love. You are wonderful and complex and unique, while still close enough to others to resonate with them. You deserve happiness and contentment and joy and self-acceptance. You need to remember this, as hard as it is to feel it. You deserve so much love. 

Those are all of my thoughts for now. My PC crashed after typing about 15 paragraphs of this and it didn’t save because it’s a response to an ask, so I dunno how good this rewritten version is or if I covered everything the first did. So, apologies if I missed anything.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying that I was worried a friend might be making his mental state worse

I (F18) and my now previous best friend (M18) have been friends since 7th grade, and graduated just last year. My friend has had mental issues for as long as we've been friends (anxiety, depression, DID) and has always been very, very drug adverse. Going as far as having drugs mentioned making him really uncomfortable for years and years. But this last year, our senior year, he started getting really friendly with the idea of starting to smoke. This caused an argument between us, as weed is known for causing mental issues to get worse, specifically its known for causing early onset psychosis, and considering he's had episodes similar before I was worried it would make things worse for him. He told me to step back and get out of his business. So I did.

About a month or so after this, he texted me and said that he was experiencing knee pain and asked if when I got to school (I was running late) if he could have some Tylenol, (I have a medical issue and I have to keep anti inflammatory's on my person or i risk paralyzation) and i said yes, because why wouldn't I, me and him have given one another over the counter pain meds all the time in the past. I had a brand new bottle of 250 pills of 500mg dosage, and well I was pulling out the bottle, I asked how many he wanted, (so I could give him one or two) but he asked if I could just hand him the bottle because both of us we're late to class and he didn't wanna be too late. And, as he's borrowed bottles of pain meds from me before for years, I said sure.

A little over an hour later I was called to the front office, where the bottle was placed onto the desk, and the administrator asked if it was mine, and I said yes, because it was my bottle of tylenol. and she gave it back to me, and told me to go back to class, I asked if my friend was in the nurses office or something, but she just told me to go to class. and that they dont give out medical information on students

I texted my friend asking what happened but he never answered, So at this point, I was freaking out. I texted his younger sister and asked if he was ok (we're also friends) but she didnt know that anything happened at all. At this point I entered a class I have multiple friends in and started having a meltdown worrying for the worst. his sister called their mom, and relayed to me that he was in the hospital. I poured out the entire bottle of tylenol and counted out every single one of them to find out that he took 12 500mg pills of Tylenol

I was called to the office again they had me give them all of my tylenol, and then they asked for any other drugs i had, I told them I don't have drugs, and then they confiscated my ibuprofen and the benydryl I keep on my person, and then because I kept them in my first aid kit, they confiscated my bandaids and neosporin.

he lived, was diagnosed with bpd, schizophrenia, and somethging else i dont remember. and there was a huge problem with the school, and they put me down as a drug dealer, made me do meetings with the student handler, called my parents. Its only the fact his mom didnt press charges that kept me from going to court. I suffered with severe guilt problems for months and months, relapsed into hurting myself, and it was just. bad. (months later, he went on to try to kill himself again, this time by overdosing on his perscribed anxiety meds in the school a second time)

during this time, he would start ghosting my messages, and when I asked him about it, he told me he wasn't mad at me, told me he didnt have any issues with me, he just felt bad we hadn't hung out in a while. So, I scheduled to hang out. and he cancelled. 5 times in a row. when driving a mutual friend home, I was discussing that I was frustrated, and worried about him. During this, I mentioned the argument we had about him smoking, and I mentioned that I thought it might be related to his mental state worsening. (he stopped smoking after the first suicide attempt) (and started smoking again a few monthes before the second attempt)

over the summer i would invite him to hang out several times, he declined every time, he invited me to hang out, but it felt like he intentionally planned for times he knew I couldn't make it for. (continualy on the day I work every week) Or on the few times we could. I would show up, and he would leave within the next 30 minutes, even if we had planed beforehand to be doing somethign for a while.

when I messaged him about 3 month ago (after three consecutive failed hang outs in a row) I found he had blocked me on everything. phone number, discord, instagram, tumblr. With no message, no word, didn't tell me at all what I did wrong or what hapened

just tonight I found out that he blocked me and wont interact with me because He says, that I said that it was his own fault that he tried to kill himself and that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. (not what he said, he wont talk to me, I heard through third party source, so theres a chance that im not getting the message right)

I feel this isnt what I said at all. but, idk, I feel very guilty about it, I want to apologize to him. but I don't know how, its not like i can message him, and we dont ever see each other anymore because were graduated and doing different things.

am i the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[dead-girl-prolific]

Ticci Toby + Personality Disorders and Mood Disorders

this is based off of @necroromantics post, i felt very inspired to share my thoughts on it, although it took me about 3-4 days to get done i had a lot of fun!

this is mainly about BPD and ASPD(one mention because i don't know a lot about ASPD as a whole) as far as personality disorders go, i know the most about those when it comes to personality disorders. out of mood disorders, to stay relevant to the original post it'll just be the two types of Bipolar disorder.

I chose these three disorders as my topic because they are the most common headcanon for his character(and my headcanons).

PSA:

SOME OF THIS INFORMATION COULD BE OUTDATED, i haven't researched Bipolar in 2-3 years so if anything is wrong i'd like to address the fact that i am NOT a professional! also some/most of this is personal experiences and researches i've done!

now that that's out of the way. let's start rambling!

What is bipolar disorder?

From someone whos lived with both parents struggling with BD (Bipolar Disorder) (my mom shows heavy signs of it, but is not diagnosed, my dad is) it is very much possible i could have it too, but both BPD and BD have a lot in common but are still very different (symptoms). They both have severe mood swings, They share some symptoms, such as depression and impulsive behavior. The main thing that separates them is that BPD is a Personality disorder and Bipolar is a Behavioral Mood Disorder. BD is characterized by periods of extreme highs and lows, known as manic and depressive episodes. BPD affects how individuals perceive and interact with the world around them.

They are very hard to differentiate in a patient and people usually get misdiagnosed, the symptoms are VERY similar which is why it isn’t common to diagnose minors. (it’s not impossible to be diagnosed with both as a minor.) (this is what my doctors have shared with me)

a little tangent- my dad was diagnosed with BD at a very young age (i’d say 12 or/to 16) and it was only diagnosed because he had several…”episodes” (he broke several laws and maybe/probably committed a few felonies.) i don’t know much about my dad’s past, but from what my grandpa and him have told me he’s been bailed out of jail/juvie a lot. He was not medicated because he didn’t like what the medications did to him, so that’s probably why he was so “EXTREME”.

His episodes lasted for a while sometimes 3-4 months or less, but my episodes (i have BPD) can last a few months as well(but around 2-3 months), because of clinical depression(major depressive episodes) which is a huge symptom of BPD, the longest episode i’ve had was maybe two and a half months and it happens a lot about once-twice a year, with no rhyme or reason. i'm looking into getting diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder because i have a lot of symptoms that concern me, but it's possible i was misdiagnosed with BPD(i doubt it because of the symptoms i experience) it is very much possible i could have both, which is why i need to figure it out, it's dangerous for me to not be medicated properly.

Does Toby canonically have bipolar?

If you don’t know enough about something (BD) you shouldn’t create a character with said things (BD) or at least do research before. In my opinion Toby has a personality disorder, although I cannot quite pinpoint which. If i could psycho-analyze (it’s been a while since i’ve taken a full blown look at the entirety of the character.) he most likely struggles with Bipolar but it was misdiagnosed with BPD he also shows some symptoms and traits of someone with ASPD. TECHNICALLY he has canonical BPD through his behavior, but the creator of his character "misdiagnosed" him and gave him Bipolar disorder, but it's totally okay to headcanon him with something else (or something more "fitting") or just projecting, all of it is fine to some extent.

Do you headcanon Toby to have bipolar?(or a personality disorder)

Yes, to put it simply he has potential to be a multi-faceted character, and I know a lot of people like to project onto creepypasta characters in general, as a coping skill. Toby is also “canonically” “Bipolar” i use both of those terms loosely. As someone with (possible) Bipolar and has lived around those with Bipolar I’d be open to writing his character with Bipolar, as an informed writer I would prefer people to at least do research on the subject before making assumptions on how the character would behave/think. Overall if the character’s experience is written well I wouldn't mind reading it. I do not condone misinformation, but i do condone learning about it for a passion project such as writing. As someone who hasn’t struggled with ASPD i don’t necessarily feel comfortable writing it but if i did a decent amount of research for the character and the disorder it could change my mind as long as i get outsider viewpoints.

How to properly write Toby with bipolar?

do not romanticize it not getting treated, as someone who struggles with a disorder not getting treated, it is definitely damaging to my mental and physical health. so writing for a character who isn't being treated for something is something i'm a bit iffy on- but if you do research and don't go overboard, it could end up being really good for awareness.

(i headcanon that he was originally on medication but he didn't take into account the fact that he needs his medications, so he basically fucked himself over and regrets it (subconsciously) after a manic episode of course)

there is an author(s) who does a really good job writing his character with Bipolar/BPD if you are interested in reading their work dm me!/inbox me!

maybe write about how his work relationships would be impacted, and how his friendships would be, his romantic relationships all of it, don't just focus on "ooo i'm mentally ill" it would not only affect him but it would also impact those around him by whether or not they know about his Bipolar disorder and if they know hes having an episode.

it would probably, a few times, get him caught by the law given the fact that people with bipolar are very indecisive and it would mostly be chalked up to him being like "this is wrong, i don't want to do this anymore" to "ARSON!!!" (bad analogy but you get it) his emotions and feelings on the matter of is job would fluctuate all the time, even while he's on the job. it leads him to be erratic and spontaneous. he isn't a very reliable partner, which is why he probably only goes on single missions.

i feel like if he were to be medicated it would be at the expense of Tim's medications since toby can't get his hands on other medications that are used for mood swings and such.

What do manic episodes look like? How would they effect Toby?

"Manic episodes are very intense highs in mood and energy. Despite what people say, real manic episodes are only experienced in people with bipolar disorder" @necroromantics

this is true, as someone with BPD, my "manic" episodes depend on someone that is my FP (favorite person) and when i am not having a "high" of energy i'm usually numb and my "manic" episodes are usually only an hour long or the amount of time that i am with my FP. BPD cannot get Manic.

although there are two branches of Bipolar, Bipolar 1 which is characterized as many manic episodes and less depressive episodes but Bipolar 2 is characterized as many major depressive episodes, that usually last a lot longer than the manic episodes. (this is worded as simply)

"A very real danger of manic episodes is that some people experience co-occurring psychosis alongside their episodes, such as delusions and hallucinations." @necroromantics

another thing Toby struggles with is hallucinations of his deceased sister Lyra.

"These highs can also lead to dangerous acts due to the recklessness and lack of proper judgement on whats safe/smart in that moment. There is also hypomania, which is a lesser, more mild form of mania." @necroromantics

you are mixing up both Bipolars... they are separated (from the studies i've done/researched)

Manic Episodes-

it would all depend on how exactly he feels/ the situation and how the writer decides to portray that. (if the writer is properly informed of course)

What do depressive episodes look like? How would they effect Toby?

 "They typically last longer than manic episodes, usually about 1+ months." @necroromantics

this depends on whether or not it's Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2, this is the "definition" of a Bipolar 2 Depressive episode. bipolar 2 episodes can occur for longer than a month, that is correct. bipolar 1 has longer manic "highs" than bipolar 2, bipolar 2 barely gets manic "highs" and when they do it's not for very long. (from what my doctors have told me/what i've seen in my dad (he has bipolar 1))

as someone who has seen these symptoms and had them i can assure you they are not fun, especially dealing with them WITHOUT proper medications, although currently i am very "manic" and getting a lot of shit done, kinda like i'm on adderall rn lol.(that's the closest comparison i can make to how I AM feeling.)

"He would probably disappear for a bit, to be left alone, because he doesn't want to be around anybody. He would spend his time sleeping as much as he can, and then the rest of his time doing proxy work, and then going back to sleep." @necroromantics

i wouldn't say sleeping is all he's doing, when i have depressive episodes (which episodes are different for everyone) i tend to go off my diet, make a lot of other regrettable decisions(EX: relapse, forget important stuff, become more "lazy" etc.) that prolong my episode. but sleep can also be affected such as; getting too much sleep or struggling with sleeping (i.e waking up every hour to every few hours).

What are mixed episodes?

 "This can look like feeling super energetic, but also horribly hopeless and depressed, or being on top of the world one minute, and then wanting to off yourself the next. They are very intense, and dangerous. It feels like you're losing your mind, and you can't catch yourself." @necroromantics

i am going to add to this. not only will you be super energetic but you'll want to do so much but have no energy to do it, like lets say you had a great art idea, oc idea, and writing idea, but you would be too unmotivated to do any of it. sometimes you can't pinpoint what to feel/what you're feeling, and that's totally okay! confusing, annoying but still its completely okay.

I'm free to answer with my personal experience, and headcanons and prior knowledge of mental health about any creepypasta characters! DM me or inbox me!

[clusterrune]

My Experience being diagnosed with bpd.

for me it was a relief to finaly have an answer, something to explain my thought process and behaviours, as well as confirmation for something i highly suspected.

the unfortunate thing is that i got diagnosed when i had a breakdown that scared me so bad i admitted myself to the psych ward behind my parents backs, having such a bad experience at the ward that being in that same hospital anywhere away from the er or first floor gives me panic attacks.

i went back to the er after my body shut down, my mom having to support me heavily as my body refused to cooperate and let me walk, they lent me a wheelchair and i was stuck in the er overnight till the afternoon the next day. when they finally got us in and did tests on me they couldn't see what was wrong physically but saw i had a bpd diagnosis so the psychiatrist there sat me down with my mom, gave us a booklet on bpd and told us it must have just been such intense stress from my bpd symptoms that my body couldnt take it.

i always thought it would be something like my spine defect to cause me a complete loss of mobility but knowing now that if i dont regularly take medication to manage my bpd and stress levels my body will decide on its own its had enough and stop responding.

losing my mobility slowly was scary enough, bpd symptoms giving me episodes of full immobility was terrifying. while im glad i had an explanation for it, i still wish they'd properly told me about the bpd diagnosis before when i was there self admited.

had i known any time earlier, i would have been able to better set boundaries and look after myself, recognize what didnt help me and what my symptoms and behaviours were and prevent such terrifying episodes from ever happening.

it was a relief when the psychiatrist i saw at the ward mentioned it off hand because i had suspected it already and that confirmation made my concerns feel even slightly validated. that was probably the only positive that came from that visit.

it wasnt what started my research on bpd but it sure as hell influenced me delving way deeper into it, and after one too many bad stressors and reactions to stress, i am still trying to do more research to help myself and others cope better and better understand ourselves.

hopefully my book "understanding borderlines" can do that.

[bulletproofthroat]

this painting was inspired by edvard munchs "Despair"

it came under the pretext of suffering BPD, and as somebody who suffers it severely, it only helped if i tried to face these issues, ulterior illnesses such as ASD, ADHD, OCD and bipolar I only added fuel to the flaming rapture of my illnesses and i don't wish this upon anybody. I remember some people were talking on how corey himself must have BPD from his traits, myself, i agree 100% on these claims, spotting a borderline takes no effort because our emotions are so erratic and the way our cognition exists is in the term "borderline" we see the world in black and white, gray areas don't exist for us. One second I'll be infatuated by somebody just for them to do nothing more than a trivial act, sending me into a spiral of disdain and hatred, it guts me each time i have to use "oh i have bpd sorry" as an excuse because i know the whole world doesn't know about this disorder, nor do the people i hurt or sabotaged relations with, am i a bad person for this? that's a debate, part of me knows i am no angel, though was it my fault for turning out like this? being groomed just as i turned 11? Being sexually assaulted in school or on the bus when i was 8? I still blame myself for these actions regardless of what the ordinary person says. I am born to parents who are war survivors, a grandfather who was a political prisoner in Iraq, a mother who has endured war during her childhood, losing her father for a good portion of her life, on the flip side of the same coin, my father who grew up in 1970's iraq without a mother or father due to the circumstances of saddam hussein, he was left to grow up with his sisters and his grandparents. Do i blame them for displacing the extreme trauma onto me? cracking my weak ego day by day from what they interpret as normal or righteous? No. I know they have unresolved mental punctures but that's not for me to stigmatize because I'm taking it secondhanded now, though it has stunted my performance socially and rationally, and this isn't holistically from my parents, though extraneous issues such as being groomed played a large factor. 2018-2020 was maybe one of the worst years of my life, what i simply enjoyed was playing roblox until the man who had ruined my life unconsciously came and exchanged discords with me. From then my life had seemed to be nothing but a whirlwind of hell that i couldn't reach out, i stayed quiet, i walked quiet and never spoke. The day I was in iraq for holiday was maybe the day I had shattered as a child, the breakup between us, when i was 12, had acted as a catalyst for me to engage in risky behaviour, self harm and, you guessed it, suicidal plans. I remember the first time I was cutting myself was with a piece of glass I smashed outside in the barren area of iraq, ranya. I took dusty shards of glass and sat outside on the stairs, unsure of how self harm even worked, or how to purposely make myself bleed for such a horrific cause. The most i had succeeded in was a galore of scratches with some small cuts on my legs. I was scared to touch my wrists but the will for self harm lingered. Houses in iraq typically consist of two floors for 2 separate families to live in, so there i sat on the second floor on the balcony with my legs dangling off the railings, wishing i wasn't scared to throw myself off because i knew i was nothing, i was empty, docile, without the so called man of my life. What baffles me to this day was that he never gave me an actual age, he had said he was 16, to then being able to own an apartment filled with booze on each crevice of the shelf. i remember that discord call like it was yesterday, and i was maybe 12? he had laughed saying he was 18, though he was reassuring he was 16. that wasn't the case until i turned 15, realising i was groomed to then he typed at me with such condescending vocabulary, asking me as a rhetoric, "why should i trust you with my age?" and nothing had tore me more as a person than to hear that.

from that encounter onwards, my relationships had all been nothing but short and difficult. I was always known as "sabotaging" or "impulsive and incapable to deal with" a plethora of words were used for me that fits the criteria perfectly. It didn't help that from when i was 14 i had abused alcohol behind my parents back. from 2021 in iraq, i had drank and drank, when i wasnt with my mother, i had drank beer, whiskey, vodka, anything my uncles had, i took, and i took and took to the point i slept with alcohol in the same mattress. i had grown more infatuated to being intoxicated than sober because being sober ached my conscience as a child, and to be in a state where i could barely move or talk decently, it grabbed me. I'm turning 18 years of age in less than 150 days, my relationship with alcohol is like a tidal wave, i either cut off for good on some days, until i relapse incredibly hard and wake up in the bath tub, and that's what happened to me around august of 2023, the month my uncle died before i received my exam results, i was dating my ex, who had never hurt me. he had lived an hour from me and i wished for nothing more than to meet him and be in love, or so i thought. until that 1 month relationship had fell. i grieved hard to the point my £100 in my account had rinsed completely to £3 because of the alcohol i had bought. all i remember from august was the amount of jack daniels i had drank, nothing more or less. my ex, being concerned had called me along with my ex friend, scared for my well being as i would randomly be angry. it was petty. we had all been friends since 2019, those two had been friends since 2016-17. it was natural for them to be close and friendly with eachother, though for me, i took it the wrong way, i saw it as he was cheating on me, did he love me? was he taking the piss out of me by making sexual jokes? but it was stupid, we all made sex jokes, what was the difference? now that we're dating? i got angry quickly, i had been known to "press" people a lot, like a leech, i wanted something out of them, a reaction, something explosive. i wanted control over him, and it turned horribly. when i went to birmingham for my uncles funeral, whom i never said goodbye to because he was murdered in cold blood by a silencer. It was typical iraq politics, rationale doesn't exist, just cold blooded cavemen who will get what they want, even if that means tearing a family apart. september 4th, the day he broke up with me, was the day i had tore down completely, how does one reach such volatile state that it only depletes and depletes further? Here I am now. I have 1 last session left of cognitive behaviour therapy, then i'm onto psychotherapy. it's nice knowing what they are as i have been taught these in my psychology class. in school, when i was 15, a boy in the year below, i had been close with him because we were in the school band playing soul music, we had the same hobbies and taste in music. he was a guitarist and i was the vocalist/bassist, at the time i thought we had the chemistry until he had got with another girl in his year group. angering me enough, i tried to prove myself, though it never worked. skip until now, 2024, i have removed him off my socials, what once were close friends now are nothing but strangers, somebody i loathe completely. you'll assume it's something dastardly from his end, however it was never the case. the day he had told me he had broken with his girlfriend, i felt relieved, though i knew he wasn't mentally well himself, i felt nothing but like a stepping stool or his boredom to be levitated, i had been there on site 24/7 if he felt, sad i cried for him, i drunkenly proposed when i was in iraq during 2022, out of guilt and shame i apologised. he had led me on. This had fueled my borderline. Now here I am. avoidant and spiteful. Nobody's obliged to read this, though this will stay here, love yall

(bpd gang rise)

[everythingwasnormalhere]

Stan Marsh headcanons?

first i love my main au stan because he's so !! and because he goes thru lots of changes as he grows up,,

Tw for alcoholism, depression, s/h, attempted sewerslide, hospitalization...its stan what did you expect

Most popular stan hc ever: he's an alcoholic. But like,,, till he's like, 12-13, he only drinks in the mornings so it helps him get through the day, like antidepressants but bad 💀

When he's 12-13 some people his age start drinking for fun, and so he sees it's socially ok so he starts doing it too

Yeah everything is way less shitty in the moment, but when he's sober it's even worse than before. Oops

Well anyway his friends don't really notice he's doing this, sure they're kinda concerned when they hang out and he's getting drunk, but yk,, typical Stan it's not that bad

This is an obvious one but he's depressed asf

And btw. All sp kids have gotten something misdiagnosed in their lives, like this is canon the medical system in that town sucks

So Stan has anxiety, but it was misdiagnosed as asthma (haha not me projecting)

He didn't get it diagnosed right until he was in his teens

But he doesn't have it anymore

He also has insomnia and BPD

The amount of times he's split on Kyle is insane

Anyway about his depression !!

It remained undiagnosed for a Long while

It got better and worse and better and worse and yeah you get it

On the worst episodes he would spend weeks not getting out of bed

At the beginning he'd say he's sick but at some point he gave up and stopped with excuses

His friends (Kyle mostly) would check on him but he wouldn't really talk to them much (on another episode of: stan giving up on life!)

Also he would spend time with the goth kids sometimes, mainly when he was at the worst points

The goths were kinda pissed he would leave them every time he felt better, but Stan's kinda their adopted kid lmao they have a soft spot for him<3

Welp anyway he starts s/h-ing at 11-12

At first it's not really noticeable but soon it gets worse

He covers it with wristbands but eventually the wristbands don't cover it all

And so, after his parents find out, at 13 he goes to the psych ward for the 1st time

It's only for a couple weeks, but it gets him to get so much worse

Nobody at school knows what he was doing for those weeks, besides Kyle because Stan went to him first thing after he got let out

Kyle is Worried. btw.

He gets hospitalized 2 more times after that

Once at 15 after he attempts

And another at 16, after a huge ass breakdown in which he asked his parents to take him there because he was scared of what he'd do otherwise

People in town only know about the one of when he was 15 (it was big news)

Besides Kyle and Kenny, Kyle because Stan tells him every time and Kenny because,,,he's Kenny he just Knows

After the 2nd hospitalization, he starts taking actual antidepressants

They don't do That Much but they still work better than nothing

Short after the 3rd time he goes to the psych ward, he finally manages to stop s/h

And slowly he stops covering his scars, as they're a reminder of how he's healing :)

Since he's 14, he starts bleaching his hair every few months

Now it's closer to straw than to hair but whatever issok

It's also incredibly greasy, so much it's insane

When it's really really bad he wears a dark blue beanie with some pins of obscure bands and some his friends gave him

His clothes are mostly black, and the ones that aren't are still alt

He wears eyeshadow all the time

And his parents don't allow him to get tattoos so he and his friends draw on himself instead

He's still in Crimson Dawn, he's the main singer and guitarist :)

His guitar is red and he takes so much care of it

The same can't be said about its case, that thing's fucked up

He's also the one who writes most songs, it's become kind of a coping mechanism for him<3

They're not famous, but they're not completely unknown either - they've played in some cities besides South Park, and they have a bunch of listeners on Spotify

They're the kind of band that almost nobody knows but the ones who do are the most loyal fans ever

"wHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW CD??? You gotta listen to them Right Now"

By the way Stan is late to every practice

The days when he's not arrived at least 10 minutes late are almost non-existent

Same for school

At school his worst subject is definitely math

(He probably has dyscalculia but he doesn't have it diagnosed)

He likes music best obviously

He's also pretty good at history and English

Btw he has a musicals phase for a year or two

His favorites are the historical ones, like Hamilton and Les Miserables

His family life isn't the best

He stays at Tedrigri farms on weekends, the rest of the time he spends it at his mother's

Shelly's kinda physically abusive still, but not as much as when they were kids

Btw he fucking hates staying at Tedigri so most nights he cycles to Kyle's or Kenny's instead

Fun fact he has a scar on his side from when he was 13

The m4 were jumping a fence to get to this one abandoned house (Butters was grounded)

And when it was Stan's turn he got cut with the fence and fell

That scar is huge and he's super insecure about it

Another fun fact he plays Brawl Stars

His favorite brawlers are Brock and Kit

And in general also the ones with attacks like Shelly's and Bull's

He's bisexual :) and ultimately broke up with Wendy when he was 16

(one of the things that triggered that huge breakdown btw)

He also had so many gender crisis, finally he decided he's just non-binary (he/him) because everything else was way too confusing

Aaaand i think that's it? Tell me what you think :D

[bpdetrimental]

I recently reconnected with the girl of my dreams who I’ve loved since I was 16; she was my first everything and I was her first everything. I’m bisexual and I helped her learn who she is.

I left my previous partner for her, and everything was perfect and fine until I recently had a meltdown about two weeks ago. I was selfish and not taking account of what she was/is going through. Since I was “normal” with her, I didn’t expect her to become my fp…but naturally she did when I came to my parents house. She said she wanted to marry me before I came here. She hasn’t been able to give me the attention my stupid brain thinks it deserves. So naturally I do the thing where I spam text her and freak out and make her feel really bad and feel like she isn’t enough. We haven’t spoken in almost a week and it’s killing me. She either leaves me on read or doesn’t even read my messages.

I am terrified I pushed her away and the “real me” slipped out and scared her, as I did not have these feelings when we were together in person. For several months I didn’t have this go on. It’s been years since I’ve had a meltdown this bad. She knows I’m bipolar but I haven’t told her about my BPD. I’ve gone from angry to understanding to sad and talked about suic1de a lot, and I know that scared her.

She said she we both needed to heal and work on ourselves two weeks ago and that’s what sent me to spiral I think. I’m not sure what to do and I feel like the girl I’ve loved for so long is now too annoyed and overwhelmed to talk to me, or even want to be with me anymore. I gave up everything so I could have a chance to be with her and she’s always said she loved me and wanted to be with me, she said we felt the same. And I feel like I ruined it.

My friends say I need to give her space but when I get bad I spam text. How do I handle this situation? Please help. I feel awful and I don’t want to lose her.

A situation like this can be especially difficult to handle. From a rational perspective, she is entirely in her right to feel that way, seeing as you mentioned you made her feel really bad and as if she isn’t enough. There, you may have messed up quite a bit. On her end, she may be doubting the feelings you have with her, and seeing you spam her may come across as you regretting having done it for selfish reasons.

This is why I really think you should be open and honest with her. To be vulnerable and to expose yourself is not something to be taken lightly. I know how uncomfortable it can be, to lay your cards out all on the table and allow them to make their decision.

Do not spam.

Write out your thoughts and gather them first before trying to contact her again. But I believe it’s what’s best to do. Every time I have made irrational decisions with my partner, I had to self reflect and come back to him, telling him my feelings and he helped me find ways we could overcome the problem, or would be reassuring.

Tell her about your bpd, tell her about how you’ve been feeling. But make sure to do it rationally. Try your best to not let your emotions dictate what you’re going to say. We tend to be led by our feelings, and that’s when things come crashing down.

She has told you she’s loved you, that she wants to marry you. Feelings do not fade over night, so I have no doubt she still does. For you to be honest and open with her should not change anything. You are still the same person she fell in love with. The same person who helped her find herself. Sure, you may have messed up. But things like that are bound to happen in a bpd relationship. What’s important is you let her make the choice. If she chooses to, you get the chance to prove yourself.

If you do not have a therapist, find someone trustworthy to talk about your feelings to. That way you do not lash out at her. Make a blog, as I have done, to get your feelings out somewhere. Find time to gather your thoughts, take deep breaths. Think about the core reason as to why you are feeling these emotions towards her and remind yourself that she is not the problem, she didn’t cause your trauma.

She was right, you both have to work on yourselves. But that does not mean she hates you, or that she loves you any less. You need time, find the best ways to cope. And approach her gently. She may be like a wounded lamb, you need a gentle hand to heal her. Do not push her further away.

[xdiana97x]

Why Kuvira is my most beloved and comfort character from Legend of Korra I have ever met and why I ship Suyin and Kuvira.

This breaks me every time cause I had an horrible childhood before I got adopted. I often had and after all have issues to see my foster parents and their biological son's as family.

Kuvira is some one who always try to help in her own way, that she's afraid lose people that she care for It's a habit I have, I try to find always a solution for the people around me to make them happy and I'm tired loose people. (YES she try to kill Baatar Jr, but she was under heavy pressure, overwhelmed by her own issues in the end and just wanted to find order. But especially in Runis of the Empire we can see more about the side she change and feel sorry for everything she did.)

I'm a person who got diagnosed in my early twentys with PTSD, BPD and heavy depression. May it's more my opinion but I see in Kuvira mental health issues too. Most because of her childhood. The fact that Suyin made also mistakes with her are reasons why it make sense for me and that she completely lock down her feelings before she fired that kannon (It's a thing what I do when I gave to make big and heavy decisions)

All of this is my personal opinion and my head canon but I think that Su had Kuvira maybe titeld as "daughter" for people that ask for and give statement for public but never seen her as one she more saw her self in Kuvira and try to give her everything . Suyin gave Kuvira the opportunity to join her guards, let her rank up to the captain position and I guess Kuvira was also teached for political stuff to lead Zaofu some day and she let Kuvira work in the end as her own bodyguard (because why the f.... Kuvira is around Su when she had that discussion with Tenzin and Raiko when she would be just a simple guard) and they both spend a lot time together with out family , before Suyin made the decision to not help the earth kingdom. (I mean Kuvira is in S3 never seen as part of the family and is not part of the family picture on her desk or when they have dinner she also isn't around to keep her out and that's make for me clear she is not her daughter ).

Opal ask about later in Runis of the Empire Su this and she didn't give a real answer to this. She just say it's not the right time now and is some where with her throughs. I mean look how sad she look here, or should I say worried about her beloved baby girl. And Su set everything on it to get Kuvira back at home and ignore the fact that Junior will never see Kuvira again. Cause Su just realized she can't live without her.

This here are also not away I would look at my "daughter". The simeles are to obvious that there is more.

AFTER ALL THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION.

Plus:

I know many are disgusted because of the age gab and the "she raised her like a daughter" thing. But tbh If Kuvira would be a true part and adoptive daughter, she would not go with Baatar Jr in relationship and would see him as brother. So please go away with this arguments. Kuvira never saw Su really as Mother. The thing between Baatar Jr and Kuvira is for me more like an committed that Su wanted in the beginning before Kuvira did her own thing and take Junior with her , to give her a better spotlight in the publicity.

Oh and I can say there is a really good fan comic "Young Kuvira" made by @mashersan that explains a lot more why Suvira is something.

[good-to-drive]

So I was just chatting with someone about Paul and whether he could be on the narcissistic spectrum, and it made me want to organize my thoughts in one place.

The first thing I want to get out of the way is that being on the narcissistic spectrum doesn't mean you're a bad person. I know a lot of people disagree with that, so let's just rip the band-aid off: narcissism is a type of disordered thinking people develop as a response to childhood trauma, it is not associated with any one set of actions, it does not affect your moral compass, and treating it like a synonym for "asshole" is honestly pretty fucked up.

"But my [relative/ex partner/ex friend/etc] was a narcissist and they WERE an asshole!!"

That sucks!! I'm sorry you went through that. My best friend is on the narcissistic spectrum and they're the best person I've ever met. And if you met them you'd insist they're not a narcissist because they're not an asshole, but they're diagnosed and everything.

Saying people with narcissism are selfish, arrogant, self centered, etc is like saying people with an anxious attachment style are abusive. There's a positive correlation there (at least compared to secure and avoidant attachment styles) but they are by no means synonymous.

Narcissism is most strongly characterized by extreme feelings of self doubt and self recrimination that the sufferer tries to combat through external validation. Not by being an asshole.

Paul lost his only stable parent at a young age and was left to be the sensible one for a younger sibling and a father who was most likely a gambling addict. That level of destabilization likely prevented him from developing a strong sense of self or self worth.

Often when people with narcissism look inward they only see "emptiness," because they were prevented from developing self knowledge as a child. You HAVE a personality and a moral compass, but you don't know that you have it. Sort of like how if you'd never touched your face before you might have trouble finding your nose with your eyes closed.

This might explain why Paul tends to come across more self conscious than self aware -- which is to say, his knowledge of himself seems to only extend to the degree that he is insecure about certain aspects of himself. It might also explain why Paul had a tendency to adopt the characteristics of whoever he felt safest with, like adopting many of Linda's interests and traits once they were married.

This lack of internal self-knowledge also leads to a dependency on external validation. It's common for people on the npd spectrum to feel that what makes you a good person is to be perceived as a good person. When that perception is threatened the immense sense of emptiness and insufficiency comes roaring back and the individual tends to spiral and feel very vulnerable and hated.

To my eye, Paul was often very vulnerable to criticism, especially public criticism. He thrived under the public eye because the constant positive attention gave a strong sense of himself through others' eyes. Which is to say, he could see his himself reflected in the public eye and he generally liked what he saw, and that gave him an identity and internal consistency he might never have had before. When that image was threatened he didn't have the same level of internal self worth to fall back on that the rest of us have, so it was extraordinarily painful.

I'd also say the intensity of his relationship with John may have indicated some narcissistic tendencies. John probably had bpd (I think most of us in the fandom are on the same page about that) and had a tendency to intensely idealize his chosen person, which for someone like Paul who lacks an internal sense of self worth and identity would be extremely comforting. Being "chosen" by John would provide him with a very powerful feeling of worthiness that he might not have felt before, or at least not very often, and that might partially explain the sheer intensity of their relationship.

(I'm not saying they didn't also genuinely love each other, just that our history and past traumas inform how we relate to people in the present and John's coping mechanism of intense idealization may have dovetailed nicely with Paul's coping mechanism of external validation.)

Anyways, one thing I want to make really clear is that I'm not a psychiatrist and have never taken a psychology class in my entire life, this is exclusively based on personal research. And I mostly read about violence, addiction, and systems theory so I'm no kind of expert on narcissism. These are just some parallels I've noticed when I've run up on narcissism in other texts. Only a psychiatrist could diagnose Paul.

(That being said, Dr Honda from Psychology in Seattle IS a psychiatrist and professor and he makes a strong case for Paul being a narcissist. He discusses it briefly in his video on John's psychology, which is also totally worth watching just for its own sake because it's extremely interesting).

Edited to add:

I just wanna walk back a little on the idea that John likely had BPD, because I've been reading about BPD vs CPTSD and there's a lot I never knew. But also I get the feeling this is the kind of discussion only a clinician could have an informed opinion about, and as a layman I just want to be clear that I'm not trying to endorse BPD as a diagnosis OR deny it, I'm truly not educated or experienced enough to weigh in on whether BPD is a problematic diagnosis.

[tetsunabouquet]

I just saw a certain someone from the KNB fandom call Akashi a megalomaniac and I am appalled. Neither Akashi or his other personality are obsessed with power or wealth. He already has those things. The only thing he strives for is victory which he has literally been conditioned to do by his father and Teiko only reinforced that upon him. I'm sorry, but calling the effect of conditioning an obsession is an insult to all of us who were conditioned by our parents as children. It's a big part to why I literally wrote Basic Instinct, because as a child of a single mom with BPD I fully understand what it's like when your single parent is conditioning you to be perfect when human beings are incapable of that. One of my biggest examples of this is my first su*cide attempt (I've had several), when I literally stopped mid-way because I remembered something: My mom and how she'd say things throughout my childhood like, "The only reason I'm alive today is you. Without you I would have partied myself to death," or the classic, "I'd kill myself if you'd die." I didn't wanted to be responsible for my mother also comitting su*icde so I, highly hysterical as I was, quit my attempt and tried calming myself down until my mom came home and she took me out for a walk. Calling the essential brainwashing of a kid an obsession is awful, I am not obsessed with my mother. I've been raised to be my own grandmother who always tries to take care of her needs before my own, thank you very much. Ironically, this is the same person who blocked me for trying to make the point that positive single mother representation in KNB isn't important as that says more about the parent then the kid. Sorry, but having Roma heritage growing up in a small countryside town and my only representation as a kid being pictures in the history book whenever we studied WWII and Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I perfectly understand why positive representation is needed because it did traumatize me a little to see the only kids with a similar heritage as mine get transported to their deaths. Saying I didn't understand representation was another insult, you don't fucking know me, because if you did then you wouldn't say something that stupid to my face. I refrained from posting how that comment smacked me across the face as I hate starting drama, but calling the effects of conditioning an obsession triggers me so here I am. The reason my chronic illness worsened to the point it gave me a stomach bleeding back when I was 20 was caused by my conditioning as I neglected myself so much and swallowed down all my pain to the point it was literally making me sick and killing me from the inside out. When I finally started sticking up for myself and taking care of me first, I started getting back to the semi-healthy point I was at before my mother's relapse reached the point I was my own grandmother. Do not mock this subject, as it nearly costed me my life. I simply understand representation as well as parenting better then you do precisely because these areas failed me in life. Akashi is not a megalomaniac, he is a boy conditioned by his father and his other personality was literally a coping mechanism to be able to handle the pressure of having to be perfect and the best 24/7. His mental health shouldn't be attributed to an obsession, ever.

[fagsex]

idk why my parents dont like me very much im pretty dope i am filled with little fun facts im religious im polite im well dressed i can do some makeup sometimes i can cook bake clean childcare. im pocketsized. up to date. worldly. metropolitan. sapiosexual. extroverted. bilingual. smart enough. i do have mental issues but like they gave them to me if i do for realsies have bpd its my mothers fault and my dads with the #confirmed adhd. the trich is all me though the hair pulling the lack of eyelashes the splotchy eyebrows the bald spots this is all me but like those other two thats Them. if you didnt want a dreamworks antihero protagonist as a child face and all well you shouldnt have given birth to one maybe. the smoking and drinking and dragracing and sun poisoning during pregnancy probably didnt help either but thats neither here nor there. im like a top notch son ask anyone. i was a scout man. i was a top cookie pusher. my upsell game was unbeatable. you know how much i jumproped for heart? how fun i ran for like kid cancer in school? i jumproped for two hours straight once. fuck what you heard.

[kaddyssammlung]

Sleep Token Jericho – Analysis

“tread, ancient water salt”

The first word makes think about someone standing in front of a lake or something. Ancient water salt makes me think about alchemy. Alchemy can always be seen in two ways in a material one but also transformational processes within us.

“Alchemy is a multifaceted subject. It is an early form of chemical technology exploring the nature of substances. It is also a philosophy of the cosmos and of mankind's place in the scheme of things. Alchemy developed an amazing language of emblematic symbolism which it used to explore the world. It had a strong philosophical basis, and many alchemists incorporated religious metaphor and spiritual matters into their alchemical ideas.” (https://www.alchemywebsite.com/Introduction.html)

Salts from acids play an important role in alchemy and also alchemy can be seen as ancient knowledge. That's why I have this connected.

“like I, sink, down like precious stones”

Maybe he actually did use alchemical substances to try to achieve certain things? And these substances calmed him in some way?

I like the imagine of sinking down like a stone. Stones are heavy. When I meditate I often “sink” down in my chair. I really fell that I am grounding myself, establishing a connection to something that is deep within me.

Maybe that is what he means?

“until I wake I dine on old encounters”

Dine...who talks like that XD. All of these strange eating and biting allusions always me think about an ED. When you are so obsessed with what's going in your body, all of your “safe foods”....

Or maybe there was not enough provided by his parents? Either because of neglect or not having enough money? Idk...all of this sounds horribly and sad.

Maybe it brought him joy to meet Sleep? Maybe this helped him somehow?

The word wake is also interesting. Does he mean wake up? Because then it would feel like being awake and being asleep is reversed. Or does he mean a wake? Because he brings up the word “grave” later. Does this mean he dines on these encounters until he is dead because it's his wake?!

“you taste like new flesh”

I'm a vegetarian. Can I please have a vegetarian or vegan version?

I really don't know what to make of this. Did he meet something or someone new and he is really drawn towards them?

“say my name again”

Which one?! XD

Seems like he really meet someone or something new? Or maybe he likes the way his name is being said?

“fold, secrets in the sweat”

For some reason I have this connected to me waking up hungover. When you wake up like that and it feels like the alcohol is leaking through every pore on your body. It's just not nice.

I don't know what he means. Like is suggested many times did he do something to be close to Sleep? Since he kind of brings up alchemy maybe it was something like that? It makes me think about substances of some sort.

“Like I swallow, years beneath this bed”

Why beneath? And also why this bed? Somehow I connect this Vessel sitting on his desk and while writing the lyrics he looks over to his bed and is unsure how to continue and then inspiration hits him “beneath this bed”.

I could write a whole essay about the strange eating, biting, swallowing topics. Maybe he really took substances. Idk how else to explain it. And maybe “beneath” this bed because it gave him a sense of security?

“there's something in the way you lay enough to make the dead switch graves”

This is a funny one. How can someone who is dead switch a grave? Does he mean a dead switch? Or someone dead switching graves? What on earth can be so powerful that when it lays there that the dead switch graves. This part just makes me laugh because I have no idea what he means or how he means it.

“you take your leave”

Thank you for calling me out again. I know okay. It's part of my “testing”. If someone really wants to be with me they will still be there after I'm back from my leave. Idk...me just scratching my head and thinking “it's a BPD thing”.

Seems like Sleep or whoever he means liked to mess with him.

“my hands are not worthy”

Oh dear! I just feel this. I'm someone who is so convinced that I am an awful being and not worthy of anything positive. Deep-rooted childhood trauma.....well....

I really like Jericho because “you taste like new flesh” is such a strange line but it sounds so good when you sing/scream it out loud.

[kennakelsoe]

My identity

My identity doesn't exist. I removed all of my facial and ear piercings that I used to have and got rid of all of my makeup and most of my skincare. I might as well blend in with the other faceless cogs in the corporate machine I serve. Everything I thought I knew about myself was a carefully crafted lie to garner as much positive attention, love, approval, and validation as possible. And now I'm left as a husk because I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure if it's the bpd or the autism (probably both). I have no natural interests. Everything I've done (music, writing, yarn crafts, etc.) has been to try and connect with/impress/perform for others. None of it was ever for me. My entire life and career are both built on a foundation of nothing but lies that I told myself and others in order to hopefully gain their love and approval because my parents never gave me any. And now I'm left in the aftermath trying to piece together something for myself for once and I have nothing. No friends, no partners, no family, no career, no identity, no interests or hobbies, nothing. All I do is stay home and sleep. I guess my new identity is that I have no identity.