#my health this year....
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Going from 'able to walk but exhausted fast' to 'most days unable to push myself in a wheelchair' in half a year is... Okay and normal as a teenage girl, according to doctors? Seems.... Not true? But what do I know....
#my health this year....#didn't start out the year that great but i'm getting new symptoms weekly#i'm getting so much worse with every month it's kinda crazy#went to the hospital at one point bc i could barely leave bed with help#they did a couple tests#gave me a wheelchair and sent me home#weird fucking experience#how is this my life??#why is this my life??#fuck my life#chronic illness#disability#disabled#chronically ill#cripple punk#tumblr#ableism#cw: medical gaslighting#medical gaslighting
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for me internet friendships are “we don’t talk all the time but I see you’re online and it makes me happy” and I really hope it’s like that for everyone
#like I know i’ve been somewhat mia#my mental health took a dive this year#I’m somewhat better!!#but I just see people here and I love them so much
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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
#mental health#mental health support#positivity#if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it#i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive#unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better
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i don't want to celebrate but i know this body is an animal that i must tend to like a cow. i put on jazz music and rub my hands down my fur and sometimes brush out the tangles. the cowbody is splotchy and angry and grows horns and always walks too heavy. it is sometimes very hard to love a cowbody. it is hard not to envy the fox or the crow.
i don't want to celebrate, this was a terrible year and i accomplished nothing.
i put coffee on the stove though. i made my bed. i handmade all my christmas presents this year, and it made my mom happy. i don't cry every day anymore, just some of them, and it's not as violent. i finally made something recognizable as bread.
we are supposed to celebrate sometimes, because it is important for the animal body to feel joy, even for manufactured reasons. i hold garlands and feel raw and sullen. i want to spend the party with my eyes closed, just breathing. this was a terrible year, and took too much. in the span of twelve months - my life, slashed in pieces. from half-full to bottom-of-the-cup.
i am going to bake a lot of cookies. i am going to make champagne punch. i am going to show the cow of my body to an empty field and tell her - it's not much, but. this is how i will love her today, when i do not want to. i will put a bell on her and hold her. we are celebrating that i finally learned how to knit, and am very bad at it. that i walked my dog in dark woods and watched the seasons pass. that i made myself a good meal once in a while. we are celebrating nothing but the sun, the grass. the ever-lovely wide night sky.
for now, i guess. we celebrate that we did not die.
#spilled ink#warm up#i lost people this year. and my job. and my car. and my health insurance.#and friends. and my savings account. and....#idk i am celebrating bc i got thru it. i don't feel i DESERVE it. but like. i did survive all that.#girl i straight lost my CREATIVITY
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Did you know that you can help a Palestinian family with one click🇵🇸!?
Share now ❤️1 . 1 . 2025 ❤️donation
✊Free Free Palestine✊
Did you know that you can save my family in Gaza from famine and genocide with just one click? Yes, even a small donation of $5 can make an enormous difference. 💖
As we approach New Year’s Eve, a time of celebration and hope for many, my family in Gaza and countless others are facing the harshest of struggles—lives torn apart, homes destroyed, and hunger threatening to take away more than we can bear. 😞 This night, while others gather around their loved ones, we are clinging to the hope that the world will see our pain and act with compassion. 🙏
Here’s how small acts of kindness can have a massive impact: If just 1,000 people donate $5 For my family, we can raise $5,000 in a single day. That’s enough to provide food, medicine, and essential To my family who have nothing left . 🍞💊 It may seem like a small amount, but for us, it’s life-saving. Your $5 could feed a child, provide medicine for an elderly person, and offer hope to a family struggling to survive another night. 🌟
This New Year’s Eve, while the world counts down to midnight, we’re counting on you. Let’s make this night one of compassion and solidarity, where kindness breaks through the darkness. ✨ One click from you could mean a world of difference for families like mine. Please, click now to donate. Your generosity isn’t just a gift—it’s a lifeline. 💕
My campaign is vetted by
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Donate through the campaign
Or through PayPal
Palestine is free from the river to the sea ✊🇵🇸
#palestine#free gaza#from the river to the sea palestine will be free#birds#mental health#happy new year#ao3#taylor swift#wicked#writing#illustration#science#tv shows#culture#movies#funny#gaming#lgbtqia+#aesthetic#anime#art#my art#trans community#books & libraries#ai created art#Browse communities
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Last BuckTommy art of the year!
#bucktommy#tevan#kinley#911 fanart#my art#digital art#illustration#artists on tumblr#tommy kinard#finally had time and health to finish this one#happy new year everyone!
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
Plain-text version:
Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
#hlep#original#mental health#my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it#i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support#and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of#huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the#longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel#i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop
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Amo al robopayaso. xd
#candlebell art#fan art#Sun and Moon#❤#I tried my hardest to make it look like his surface is soft silicone but that's insane sdfghsgsh#took me over a year to finish due to bad mental health. I wished to finish and show it on 2023. it was aching not being able to#I posted some WiPs with dates yesterday too if anyone's interested#it's not a 3D model; what the heck
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Happy New year everyone!
This is the holiday card I did for fam and friends!
I hope 2025 will be better for all of us!
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something people just don’t think about is how often chronically ill and disabled people just don’t have access to good food. not healthy food, good food; well made, tasty meals that don’t come from a jar or a freezer. how many of us are housebound or can’t drive? delivery services only offer within certain distances, if you live outside a city they aren’t an option. many people don’t have the energy or ability to cook for themselves if they have the skill to begin with. many certainly don’t have the ability to learn how. it’s something that goes completely unnoticed, just the opportunity to have a good meal and how much that wears you down
#all i want is chinese food#the closest one to me is 40 minutes away and its a /bad/ chinese place#its my worst option and its not even an option#‘fried rice is easy to make heres a recipe!’#i cant use a stove bc the heat will give me a seizure#even if i keep myself cool something that should take 15 minutes will take upwards of an hour bc i need to take breaks#even then ill probably be too nauseous to eat it after being active for so long#all of that for a bad cooks version of fried rice#more expensive and worse than a takeaway place#but i cant get it from a takeaway place#repeat ad nauseum for the rest of my life and is it any wonder im so sick of the same food ive eaten for 10 years#the only time i get takeaway is when my parents decide to go out and bring something home#can you imagine living like that for the rest of your life?#i dont have to#and its so dumb to want to cry over rice#but its not really about the rice is it#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#chronic illness#disability#pots#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#ehlers danlos syndrome#fibromyalgia#chronic fatigue#chronically ill#mental illness#mental health#save post
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"I always used to get a lot of impostor syndrome, and feel like I was a bad actor, because I don’t do actor-y things like [using emotional memory]. It’s kind of like a last resort for me. I have more of a technical approach to acting, where research is the bulk of it. Making sure that I understand every single thing that’s on the page, every word. I know what my character’s favourite colour is, I know how she sounds, I know how she walks. I know what her fucking middle name is." - ELLA PURNELL
#*gifs#1k#ella purnell#ellapurnelledit#ughmerlin#arthurpendragonns#userzoya#userbru#tuserdee#userhann#tusermiles#tusercj#tusermich#userbeckett#usercleo#usersole#flawlessbeautyqueens#thequeensofbeauty#dailywomen#femaledaily#ladiesblr#several years ago i read a piece she wrote for a mental health book and it's just stuck with me in my heart always#so it just makes sense to me i'd fall so deeply in love with her acting work too
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i want to return to my carefree roots in 2025, permastoned, softening, playing video games, in a manageable amount of credit card debt to uber eats, sharing fun facts about survival cannibalism and the american revolution
#tired of caring about how i'm perceived by both Haters and the IRS (Haters)#but fr it's been a super stressful year with the llc & irs & kittens & assistant & my own health insurance & long term support services#here's to new opportunities for joy and rest and guiltless hedonism 🥂
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#girlblogging#girlblogger#whisper girl#girly things#spilled words#romanticism#relationships#self care#healing#writing#this is what makes us girls#escapism#existentialism#esoteric#the feminine urge#my year of rest and relaxation#poetry#aesthetic moodboard#light academia#classic academia#feelings#mental health#text post#motivation#inspiration#self healing#self love#self improvement
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my 2024 art summary 🌟
#my art#dudes upon dudes upon dudes#i drew 148 pieces this year :'D#as you can imagine my mental health is sooo stable 🤙#maybe drawing more dudes will fix me.....
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Do girls know that they can never have sex? Do girls know that they can have sex with women? Do girls know their first time isn’t supposed to hurt? Do girls know that they’re not supposed to bleed? Do girls know that vaginas becoming ‘loose’ with more sex is a myth? Do girls know that you can stop halfway through? Do girls know that if they have a mediocre first time, it doesn’t mean it’ll feel like that forever? Do girls know that they don’t have to prove they’re not boring or prudish? Do girls know it’s okay to demand a condom? Do girls know they don’t have to ever ‘give in’ to demands, even a little? Until teenage girls and women know every way they can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, sexual liberation isn’t complete.
#By girls I mean like ~15-16 years old#Who are coming into their sexuality and possibly having their first experiences#My post#feminism#feminist#female sexuality#female health#radical feminism#radical feminist#radfem#radblr#My bangers
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Blood Blossom Au: Baby's First Commissioner Meeting :)
TL:DR This Post: Danny (orphan) gets poisoned with blood blossom extract by Vlad. He runs away from him and ends up under the care of one Pre-Robin Battinson Batman! Starry is loudly pushing her batdad agenda.
(Also known as "Late At Night, When The Nightingale Sings" on my ao3!)
This was a fun rough idea I've been sitting on for weeks, thinking about how Commissioner Gordon and Nightingale's first meeting might go.
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Commissioner Gordon likes to think that he's adjusting to the new normal of Gotham very well, -- the new normal being grown men running around dressed like bats, in military-grade strength body armor, committing acts of vigilantism, -- and slowly, little by little, he was no longer being surprised when this new normal pops up out of the shadows like the world's most terrifying daisy. His shaving lifespan thanks him for it.
....
The kid is a surprise though.
Granted, he seemed to be a surprise to the Bat too.
There's been a string of murders lately, -- which, in Gotham, is kind of like saying there's been another storm during monsoon season. And there's just been another; in some dilapidated building down in south Gotham, with the broken, boarded-up windows and mildew-crawling walls to match. The victim is a man in his thirties, multiple gunshot wounds to the chest, left in the center of the room for the blood to pool out around him.
The place is already secured when he arrives, the building swarmed with officers and the forensic detectives. The Bat emerges shortly after he does -- or, he might've been here the whole time, hiding someplace dark and shadowy. For his own sanity, Gordon doesn't think about it too hard.
The kid is a surprise, and he appears like a bolt of lightning.
He shows up in the middle of a conversation Gordon is having with the Bat.
A whistle, sharp and loud, slicing through the air, meant for open air rather than a confined space. Gordon's ears pierce and protest the sound, and the solemn, murmured chatter floating through the room abruptly cuts off like the swing of a gavel. As he turns towards the sound -- as they all do -- he swears, up and down, that he sees Batman's shoulders jump, just slightly.
At the source, perched on the window, is a boy. A boy in a gray-blue scarf and an oversized black hoodie, one that hangs off his frame and has ace bandages wrapped around the wrists in some attempt to cinch the sleeves. The hood is up, big like the rest of it, and threatens to swallow the upper half of the boy's face whole in the fabric. What upper half Gordon can see, is smeared with some kind of opaque, black face paint. He's holding onto the side of the frame with one hand, on his hip is a grappling hook. A familiar grappling hook.
Gordon has multiple questions, and his officers tense up.
Martinez puffs up, brows furrowing as his face shapes into a frown. Shoulders rolling back. "You can't be here, kid--"
The reaction is immediate, like a spark to gunpowder, the boy yanks his fingers from his mouth and his mouth twists into a scowl. Head snapping over to Officer Martinez, his hood manages to stay on but Gordon swears that as he bares his teeth, the glint makes them look sharper than they should be. His voice is rasp and quiet and harsh; snappish in its hissing; "Put a fuckin sock in it, Martinez. I'm not stayin."
Martinez reels back, and the boy immediately veers his attention off him. Like a switch, his demeanor drops. Despite half his face being covered, his mouth twists into a cringing, apologetic smile. Slanted and off-beat, embarrassed. It'd be disarming if this wasn't Gotham, and if he didn't just hiss at Martinez like he was about to bite his head off.
"Sorry." He whispers, voice deceptively polite and softer now. Gordon has to strain his ears to hear him. "I was looking for him."
He points his finger towards-- Gordon? No, Gordon follows the direction, and finds himself looking at -- the Bat.
The Bat, who always looks stiff as a pole, now looks even stiffer. Somehow. Well, the explains the grappling hook attached to the boy's waist.
"What are you doing here?" The Bat says, gruff and unable to completely smother the stumble of surprise in his tone.
The boy still holds a sheepish smile, and slips off the window ledge. His feet hit the creaky boards with a near-silent thud, the Batman finds his feet and rapidly begins crossing the room.
Gordon notes the slight tremble in the boy's legs as he straightens. He adjusts his scarf, which droops close to his knees now that he's standing, and slings a backpack -- how long has had that? -- off his shoulders. When the Bat reaches his side, he does as he always does, and looms over the boy like a spectre. A threatening mass of shadows cloaked in all-consuming black. Standing next to him, the boy looks teeny in comparison.
The Bat is a man who terrifies even the most hardened criminals, Gordon has seen grown men shiver in fear at the mention of his name. And yet when the boy looks up at him, he doesn't even flinch.
Instead, his sheepish smile melts away like ice under the sun, holding only traces of his previous embarrassment. It remains as a shadow on his face, a small upturn at the corners of his mouth. The boy pushes his hood back just enough to reveal glinting, ice-flint eyes surrounded in tar-black face paint. He holds the backpack up with one arm. "You forgot this."
#I have never seen Batman (2022) so really I'm just using battinson and crew as templates for my fic. but hey what else is new lol#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc fic#dpxdc au#dp x dc au#dpxdc fanfic#i dont know shit about detective work or true crime so forgive me for any bad terminology or incorrect procedure for how these things work#just a fun rough idea for how i imagined gordon's first meeting with nightingale goes LMAO. im sticking to the idea that danny doesn't#officially join the field for a *while* due to more than just health reasons. so his first appearances are brief and usually to give B smth#danny: im only here as express delivery for vader's little brother over there. yall stay safe tho.#bruce: *kill bill sirens bass-boosted* ohmygodwhatishedoinghere#batman: how did you get here... | danny: you have so many spare grappling hooks it was pr easy to just grab one and go#also danny is whispering on purpose because he doesn't have his ghost form to fall back on as a secret identity. so he *is* actually taking#extra steps to keep his identity safe. and people usually sound different when they're whispering. he also has personal beef with#office martinez despite the fact that they've never met. Danny's HEARD of his ass. he hATES his ass.#Martinez: *to batman* freak | danny: im going to Bite Him. | batman (reluctantly): hmr. please don't. | danny: im going for his shins#Martinez and Nightingale have this whole thing going on between the two of them. danny WILL slap a sticky note on Martinez's back that says#'asshole' on it and its the one spot square on his spine that martinez can't reach.#someone: why are you beefing with like. an actual 12 year old | martinez: HE'S A LITTLE RAT. THAT'S WHY. he's here to torment me#battinson: *did you grapple the whole way here* | danny: yah. it was kinda fun. i would've gotten here faster but i kept having to stop#battinson: *hnnn* im driving you back | danny:.. are you sure? | battinson already pulling him out of the room: y e s#i've been thinking about this for literally WEEKS. what did bruce forget? good question! i'll figure that out if or when i get to this#danny has Issues behind the word freak so its like a mini beserker button for him regardless of who the word is aimed at lol. lmao#martinez calls batman a freak once while nightingale is within range and its just the doom ost as danny simply Disappears from sight#like oops. you are now. In Danger. rip couldn't be me.#blood blossom au
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