#my brain isnt normal i dont want this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ningningkittie · 6 months ago

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maybe im so attached to him bc he is the only guy i've been able to feel sexually attracted to in a way that feels ok with my personality disorders and skewed perception of sex. bc ofc i like other ppl, ofc i care abt other ppl. i can definitely do the romantic aspect with other ppl but the sex aspect??? :/ it's like i can have sex once and then i can never ever even exist to that person again. so with him it has felt like i could actually have sex and not feel the need to escape. there is another person i feel sexual attraction to that doesnt feel like imma need to die afterwards, but with that person a "forever" or a only us vs everything else situation isnt possible, so my heart is completely cut off from venturing in any romantic nodes. so yeah idk... im just trying to figure all this out bc it is driving me to insanity and i need to perform open brain surgery on myself and fix this fkn mess.

#my feelings and attachment for him is ruining my life #yes that is dramatic but it is true #my brain isnt normal i dont want this #but just bc he isnt replying (which is his right and his life doesnt revolve around me. he has a real life his own life) im dying lol #im so depressed i cant do anything lmaoooo #so no.. none of this is his fault. it's all bc of my broken brain. i need to get myself together and stopbeing like this

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skitskatdacat63 · 7 months ago

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Roleswap anyone??

Tell me Fernando wouldn't make a fantastic general/emperor, and that Napoleon wouldn't make a fanastic driver/tp!!

#this might be the most mentally ill thing ive drawn yet....#lmao im like ah this would be a funny idea to draw #and then got WAAYYYYY more into drawing napoleon #to the point of cuteness aggression and sadness that him in f1 isnt real :(#cofi and i made up a whole lore and plot line so if you want a pt 2 of that hmu LMAO #but briefly: hes a driver(2 wdc btw) who got kicked out for smth and then came back as a tp again to torment his former rivals #gahhhhh why is he so cute why isnt he real :( i would stan him so hard you dont understand #with his cute little lesbian bob and introverted but brave and outspoken demeanor....#his mechanics and team in general are all tall men who love to pick him up #but god the plot is just so fun and compelling that it makes me sad that kinda driver doesnt exist irl #my greatest dream is for someone from the actual napoleon fandom to see this #bcs its weird enough for you guys so i cant even imagine what theyd think #BUT PLEASEEE #anyways. this is a very odd post. but im very proud of it :)#lmao this is just like one step closer to actually writing my proper manifesto about it #but yeah i posted that silly meme the other day and it got way more notes that i expected so maybe this will be appealing too?#girls who cannot draw normal fanart #<- like seriously i wont draw napoleon in his normal clothes and fernando vice versa but no prob with the reverse?? my brain...#f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #nandopoleon alonsoparte #napoleon bonaparte #napoleon #catie.art

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spaciebabie · 7 months ago

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does any other demiromantic (or arosepc doesnt rlly matter) feel like. extremely awful when they experience romantic attraction or is that just me.

#spacie spoinks #bruh #like. while im experiencing it i wish so badly that i wasnt 😭#i feel disgusted. is this what romantic repulsion is???#cuz like ill be experiencing all the lovey dovey stuff yk #''ooohb i wanna kiss dem oooh what if we help hands'' romantic crap but its like. anxiety inducing #like it feels awful??? is this normally how it feels?? i dont like it.#it like. doesnt feel right or natural and im assuming its b/c i just like?? barely feel it ever?? and thats why???#strange as hell.#i recently felt romantic attraction 2 someone (it has been 2 or 3 years since i last felt it) and it came on really strong for like #a week and that was like the worst week of my life #i couldnt think abt anything else but them like it wasnt even like. fantasies or anything just like.#the concept of them. my brain would just be like ''hey remember this guy''#I LIKE COULDNT SLEEP #HOW DO YOU PPL ENJOY THIS????#me; clutching my head for ~a week: AUUUGH!! THE PERSON!!! THE PERSON!!!!!#im so serious this is how it feels w/springtrap. hes like a blight on my psyche #the feelings have faded mostly i think. i think im normal abt them again (thank god)#its so strange. i think a romantic relationship would be fun but then i start feeling the feelings and its. awful.#so horrid #also like. im considering that maybe the relationship i would like some day isnt romantic but a qpr #idk. ive never been in any kind of serious relationship (never wanted 2 and have never been approached for it)#sometjing 2 think abt i guess?#anybeans. i tire.#hope i never experience that again #ik that like in 2-3 years ill be like: ''man. idk what past spacie was talking abt. would be nice 2 feel romantic attraction again''#NO SPACIE IT WONT!!! REMEMBER!!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT YOU WENT THRU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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bunnihearted · 2 months ago

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🐰🕸🌙

#i have so many behaviours and fears and #no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr #and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it #but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad #my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light #which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol #in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder #which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is #(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time #so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light #which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight #other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING #so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things #bc it cannot do so in a rational manner #and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am #as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil #which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now #despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense #esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont #anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal #or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having #avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o #bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont #deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant #i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.

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nbmudkip · 1 year ago

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im CRAAAAZZZYYYY im FUCKING INSANE!!!!!! i’m a cycle path….. HHHHHHHFDRRRRRRRHHHHHGHHHH

#me.txt #IM SO FUCKED RN #IM IN THAT HORRIBLE STAGE OF A NEW HYPERFIXATION FORMING WHERE ITS ALL I CAN THINK AND ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT AND ALL I CAN SEE #which happens to be the VERY ANNOYING STAGE in which i am VERY ANNOYING towards EVERYONE AROUND ME because i wont SHUT UP!!!!!!#talking about anything that isnt isat for more than 30 seconds without bringing it up somehow is like PULLING TEETH to me right now #and my friends are already starting to get sick of and weirded out by it #and i dont want to keep randomly bringing it yp and being annoying but I CANT NOT DO THAT!!!#IT FEELS LIKE MY SYOMACH IS FULL OF BEES WHEN I TRY!!!! MORESO THAN USUAL!!!!!!!!#and its not like i can go on a reblog spree or talk to anyone else about it #BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH THE GAME!!!!#AND IM ALREADY THIS SICK IN THE HEAD!!!!! BUT I CANNOT LET MYSELF GET SPOILED!!!!!!!!#CANT keep talking about it to friends CANT go online for an outlet IM GOING TO DIE #I HAVE NO WAY TO SCRATCH THE ITCH IN MY BRAIN AT ALL AND IT KEEPS BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!#AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHRRRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #okay. im fine now. im normal. i can survive without bringing it up. i can do it. im brave #<- guy who is not normal and will not survive and is kinning siffrin so hard they feel sick

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rox-of-iu · 1 year ago

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heads up i finally scrambled together enough brain power and caught up with cultivate and i am not going to be normal about it and im going to make it everyone elses problem <33

#cultivate🥰🥰🤗☺️😊🤩😊🤗🥰🥰🤩☺️🤗🥰#ykno that feeling when u have a beloved fic but are not in the right vibe to read it even tho you want to so you gotta wait #until that breaks because its so good and you dont want to ruin the experience and it deserves the right vibes tm or am i tripping-#fhkjfhdkANYWAY IFINALLY DID AND 🥰🥰🥰🥰💖💖💖 hdkjfhs #sooner or later doodles are back on the menu boys because im sooooooooo normal about this fic aha smile :))))))))#speaking of being normal #BEES BESS HBBEES BEES BEES BES BEES AHHAHAHA #LISTEN im gonna sound like a loonie right noW BUT LISNETN #ever since those arctic bees were mentioned way beck when I DID NOT. STOP THINKING ABOUT THEMM. buzzing in my brain THIS WHOLE TIME #and ever since then i was like ☺️what if that concept actually showed up aha 🤗 and it wasnt just throwaway LQG thought ☺️aha #AND I KNOW THIS ISNT EVEN MAYBE A CALLBACK TO IT I KNOW I KNOW OK MAYBE IM CRAZY BUT LET ME HAVE THIS #crystal cave bees are a callback to arctic bees in my heart 💖#you dont understand fuzzy litol blue bbys so beloved i was even planning to sneak them into a future piece thats in the microwave lmao #AND NOW THEYRE PROPERLY CANON AYO B))#speaking of future pieces absolutely do not let me forget that i wanna do bai zhan and taoren spouses outfits properly thats also very 💖💖#im just waiting if we get more details on howd they look #ok enough rambling more sleeping gbyyyeeee

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toxifoxx · 5 months ago

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i need my brain rewritten bro

#i cannot keep existing in the way i do now #i mean i could but its awful. Not the worst version of me but still bad #i need a different personality i need a different way of thinking i need to stop being mentally ill #but there is literally nothing i can do about the way i am and i feel so helpless #i want to talk to people i want the motivation to reach out and take what i want and need #but my anxiety doesnt budge. my chronic fatigue doesnt budge. i just cant. and im so sick of being told i can #if i were to just try harder and put my mind to it #what i need is like. Someone else to permanently take over my brain for me #i cant fucking live the way i am #i need to be someone different #EVEN COMPARE TO EVERYONE ELSE. I AM A UNIQUE CASE OF AWFUL #no one else is fucking struggling to interact! or do like most things in their life!#i genuinely cant come close to living a normal or good life as i am now #i can even look the *direction* of other people. i go full silent on group calls.#i go full silent in text chats of people i dont know well and it prevents me from connecting entirely #i freeze up i get scared i retreat into my shell or give up cause who cares its not their job to coddle me #i literally. i should not exist #im not human and not even in a fun or quirky way. i am just fundamentally incompatible with like . life itself.#whats the point man. this isnt a life

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yutadori · 2 months ago

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sometimes you just need to hit your head against a wall at school and move on

#(in the most normal calm voice youve ever heard) im sooooo sick of myself . oh my god #why do i feel so embarrassed and shameful of everything i say lately #was just at office hours for 30 mins and i had a nice little convo with my professor like i dont . think it went badly . i think #but immediately after i left i spiraled like god i probably said a lot of stupid things or it seemed like i was trying #to be too agreeable or too much of a hater or or or didnxdkshsksdnjssbsksbxk #and everything i try to write for class feels stupid and wrong and im soooo mad i hate my stupid baka brain and body oughhhhhhhhhh #i need to be killed or somethingggg #i cant help but think that i was bothering my professor and that he did notttttt want me to be there #like his energy seemed very different from yesterday he was less silly and more reserved ish maybe not reserved but like calm i guess #which like . isnt bad bc ppl dont have to be the same all the time but becauae i have a fucked brain i cant help but think that bc it was #just me today and not me and my classmate that he probably thought i was a bother and that i was boring as hell AUGHHHHHHHHH #i hate this so bad lol when will it be overrrrrrr #ss

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flamboyant-king · 2 years ago

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Pink Camellias symbolize longing...

#GOOD THING THIS BRUSH ISN'T CAMELLIAS IDK WHAT FLOWER THIS IS BUT MY BRAIN SAID HEY YA WANNA DRAW THAT SAD THING #cammy can make any kind of flower pink so maybe its camellias maybe its a salad of different flower petals dont look at me #but shhh this is just a sketchy sketchy and it isnt canon...unless--#i was in fact crying drawing this tho. music really has an influence on enhancing your emotions #my plan for this 'story' is to leave it open ended. does cammy leave on their own terms or does harvey wish to move on #does harvey want to live a normal life like humans do or live magically and different #does cammy stay until the bitter end. who dies first? who forgets first? who knows #its open ended #either or. i cry because i love these two #sketches #grow as we go #camellia #harvey #sobbing crying punching kicking weeping bawling wailing #comic

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s-ccaam-era-crepe · 3 months ago

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obsessively checking accounts that follow me/like my posts for hints of it being them bc I’m #scared & paranoid

#camera talks #sorry #I feel sick doing this #but like. what if it is what if it is and they can see my stuff again #I’d die. I’ll actually fucking crumple into a ball and die #I feel so pathetic #but I have such a thin veil of safety #i have them blocked on everything so virtually this is impossible #and what do you want to bet they dont actually care this much about this #but im actually so scared of them being able to see my posts. to talk to me again #this isnt a safe space technically. its social media i know but its my fucking safe space #god i dont know why my brain decided right now was the right time to set off the warning bells about this #it absolutely isnt the right time bc im never going to get to sleep now #im going to have a fucking nightmare about them again and im so so scared of that i cant do that #fuck. fuck what the hell.#i wish i could respond to things normally i wish i didnt think about things #vent #delete later #ignore this i'll be fine eventually i just feel really Off right now #and questioning everything about myself and the situation im in right now isnt helping #i love you guys.. sorry i keep putting vents on your dash

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vanweezer · 4 months ago

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me: shit why cant i tell people close to me that i love them when i havent been smoking

my brain: you dont trust yourself or anyone to say what they actually mean and also *** **** ***** *** *** **** ***** *** *********** ** **** *** ***** **** **, ***** ** * **** ***** *** ***** *** ********* ***** ** *** and when you smoke you typically only say it in a joking context so youre not worried about people taking you seriously anyway

me: ok real and true, pass that shit over here

#problems!#for context i am not actually smoking right now bc its late and ive been crying all day and i dont want to develop any habits #but erm epiphanies be like #genuinely feel fucked up abt this at times. because my sober brain does not like words of affection or admiration #or at least. doesnt take them well #im so used to backhandedness or apathy or ambivalence that like. the idea of someone saying they care about or love me #is very. perverted in a way. terrifying is a better word but honestly its like a switch turns on in my brain when ppl say that to me #that just Assumes The Worst or twists it into something terrible and awkward and then i just. dont say it back or i deflect #and then when im stoney baloney i say it more and im more affectionate and its like the switch isnt even part of the wall anymore yk?#and ONLY when i smoke sativa 😑 indica keeps me normal i fear #this just means that i have to be more careful when i smoke now i dont wanna give off the impression that im some sort of ooey gooey mf

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sunnyleech · 9 months ago

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Just saw a video of a one month old dying of hunger in north gaza.

I just saw a video of a one month in north gaza with hallowed cheeks, unable to move or respond, only stare with an open mouth as their mother and father cried for the doctors to help them.

#i dont even know if im posting this because i want to spread information bc i know everyone knows these things are happening #a lot of you have seen these things as well #or if im in such shock that i cant keep these words im repeating in my head #this isnt even the most gruesome thing ive seen #how the fuck and anybody be living a normal life right now #theres no ingnoring this how is it not burned into your brain

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bittwitchy · 7 months ago

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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place

#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd #but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well #just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well #which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out #which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore #its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi #see the other thing is #if i talk about my mental health at all #people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint #or feel sorry for me which i also dont want #all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all #like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff #i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly #im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares #i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to #and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one #they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored #im losing my mind steadily #and thats not even onto the physical problems #but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying #‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket #if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your #fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces #sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues #but then i talk to other women and it is #it just doesnt make sense and i hate it #but i never rly got help on private insurance either so #tbd #depression cw

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gayday · 1 year ago

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how to not feel a constant and painful sense of FOMO jealousy and envy over everyone and everything ever because i have nothing and get nothing and can do nothing about it

#i want piercings i wanna go to the mall i wanna hang out with friends i want friends i want boba i want things to be easy but theyre hard #i want a clean pretty room i want a brain that isn't broken i want love i want alcohol and drugs and cigarettes #i want everything i get to not get ripped away from me and ruined #i want a childhood i want plushies i want sex i want parties i want to sleep in a clean bed i want help #i want a body that isnt tired and doesnt hurt i want money i want a normal life i dont want bad dreams i want to go places #i wanna go to the arcade and the zoo and aquariums and museums and parks #i want nature i want no more anxiety i want opportunities i want help i want a hand to hold #i dont wanna do it all on my own #i want a way out. i want help #just help me just please help me just please help #your 'positivity' is worthless when its not relatable and ends up being bragging rather than reassuring #i wanna go to concerts i want to go on a plane i want streaming services and trains and clothes shopping #ive had nothing and no one understands the extent of it #i feel like im in purgatory or some kind of psychological hell #i wanna kill myself #i want someone to care

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silverislander · 8 months ago

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have discovered a new enemy while doing research for the honours essay. why are you pretending to understand psychology and BLATANTLY misinterpreting actual terms and concepts in order to tear down a movie aimed at teenage girls, my good bitch. i'm going to start biting

#you got the WRONG BITCH bc you just hit on two of my biggest interests (zombie movies and psychology) at once #FIRST of all. you dont have the credentials to be talking abt this and it shows bc why dont you know what psychotic means!!#simple shit!! you want to pretend you know psychology dont fuck up psychopathology psychopathy and psychosis! all different things!#you can BARELY conceive of narcissism. a one off joke about how a character recognizes his flaws and wishes he was respected more #is NOT proof to label someone as a fucking narcissist oh my god. id actually argue the complete opposite #you are accusing A Zombie of being abusive based on (checks notes) being scary looking eating brains and /protecting a girl/#bc uhhhhhhh smth smth dark triad smth smth twi/ight #last time i checked thats literally just fucking normal ass zombie shit + him being NICE!!#its not male gaze 'ocular aggression' bestie he cant blink. hes dead.#talking about how the zombie is unrepentantly creepy when he Literally worries about coming off as creepy In The Movie out loud #SECONDLY to circle back why are you so stressed about twilight. thats not even the subject of the chapter #(there are good critiques of those movies but this is not that)#your book came out in 2015 why were you still shitting your pants and crying that girls were having fun 3yrs ago at the EARLIEST #reaching so fucking hard to 'um ackshewally [thing that teenage girls like] bad' im shocked you didnt throw your fuckin back out #your arguments are nonsensical your positions reveal an alarming level of sexism and you should be ashamed #levi.txt #believe it or not im having fun rn. im funny complaining not angry complaining #w@rm b0dies isnt a Good movie but i will go to bat for it actually. let teenage girls have fun garbage #god knows adult men have enough of their own to choose from ESP in this genre #and its a movie that has a lot of interesting shit someone could analyze!! im focusing on it as a representation of changing feminism #but id love to see a reading of its portrayal of zombiehood as disability + its cure narrative #or critiquing how it writes its female characters bc admittedly theyre bad ngl #or on how survival is represented in comparison to films like zomb!e/and (which i also love) where you 'earn' survival with competence!#genuinely there is even smth to be said for the problematic nature of the brain eating element. id be intrigued by that paper #i dont think its much worse than the play the movie is based on? but its not nothing #it Is ultimately a little bit fucked up and i dont think the movie explores it enough #but noooooo we gotta talk about how the zombie is a narcissistic abuser bc of the brain eating. ok

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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years ago

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Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*)#they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person.#but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep.#sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me?#i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them.#trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

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