#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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hi just venting. idk who will see this. its just me talking abt how much i hate myself
looking back i've been depressed my whole adolescence and young adulthood. i'm 18 but i feel like i've hated myself since hs freshman yr, if not earlier than that. it's not always bad but i never felt good enough for anything. i was the weird one that was a lil ugly but had a sense of humor to compensate ... no one rly knew me and i was a background character. i got bullied or picked on a lot which grew into a deep self hatred for myself. it also affects the way i treat others. since i’ve been depressed a piece of me that had passion and creativity died. ive become a shell of a person with no ambitions and ive hermited myself at home with a mother i fucking dislike with my heart. i have some demons and i cant always beat them. my depression is like my angry, unrelenting inner self. my mean words just come out thoughtlessly and i pretend not to care if i hurt you. ive been hurting all my life. you can handle it.
i’m poor as fuck and live in a small ass gross apartment my entire life. i’m so miserable having nothing to my name. no new shoes, same jacket for yrs and just being at the bottom of the barrel. i hate my circumstances and imagine myself in a real house with real privacy and privilege and a parent thats not a paranoid fucking freak.
ive never had a real boyfriend or anyone whos loved me. im not even sure what it feels like. probably why i always choose the wrong people to talk to... i get my heart broken a lot, and still keep going to get it broken again. i think my endurance of emotional pain hardened me into a ruthless person (sometimes). im over crying over people and being a second option slash backup slash side hoe. all my life ive felt inadequate and undesirable. its in my skin and blood, and no matter what i cant help it.
i fuck up my life without care. being lazy, smoking weed not doing a damn thing but sitting around hating myself. ive sunk into this deep abyss that i cant find a light to. i have antidepressants but i dont even take them. i care about nothing until its too late, which is really bad.
i genuinely hate who i am and what i look like. i wish i had a smaller figure, had a nicer face and hair, but all i have are imperfections. nothing about me says attractive. people dont ever take photos of me bc im so ugly. i dont wanna see what i look like in a back camera and see the ugly creature i am.
admittedly no one could love me. i can see myself being a neet. a loser who lives with her parent at 35 no boyfriend still no good job no car or money. just ugly fat lazy sloppy and sad. unless i have some lightbulb spark above my head that gives me a grand idea or incentive to change my lifestyle it’s gonna be like this every day until i decide to finally kill myself. i just wanna be and feel beautiful. but it feels impossible and i really dont wanna live im this body and spirit when i feel the way i do about myself. thats why im such a loser and dont do anything about it.
im not worth much of anything tbh
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