#me when i have an autism character that makes me feel so
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playing AAI now and god i’m so sick in the head about edgeworth for real
#me when i have an autism character that makes me feel so#AOUGH#that i literally can’t find words#it’s just like#VIBRATES RAPIDLY#also felt like this when i went into the moomins shop yesterday and would spot snufkin merch#literally no words just abundance of feeling
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Guys I want her so bad it's not funny
#That montage did things to me I swear#my art#vi arcane#arcane vi#Vi#arcane fanart#arcane#artists on tumblr#OK it's atlas autism time#But I absolutely love when a character arc goes in this direction#Yknow a character that is strong but slowly falls apart due to anything#Stumbling unbelievably drunk to a bad apartment after the most mind numbing night#Only to rinse and repeat#And getting stuck in a loop of self destruction and self loathing only to have everything crumble more than it already has#Like I relate to that in some ways and feel like most people do#And while vi is an extreme I definitely have been there#Plus she's so hot guys PLSSSSS#Istg this season is gonna end me#Id do a face reveal just to show how much it will make me cry werrrrr#I could write an entire dissertation on her character
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people acting as if laios can Do No Wrong and infantilizing him because he is autistic are annoying as hell. especially because laios belongs to my favorite genre of character: "person who desperately wants friends and deep relationships because they're lonely, and while part of their problems stem from people not wanting to understand them and refusing to meet them where they are, they also genuinely come across in a way where you Completely Understand why others can get turned off from them"
#.txt#dungeon meshi#laios#like. okay. i think its a very autistic experience to Want People In Your Life So Badly but because you act differently and have a hard time#with social cues you dont get that easy friendship and it sucks and youre lonely as hell#<- source: im autistic#but ALSO. i think some people forget that missing social cues genuinely makes you rude. even if you dont mean it#intent goes a long way but sometimes the autistic experience is realizing that Unfortunately You May Have Been A Dick#or that being intense or overbearing or disregarding boundries you dont know are there Drives People Away#like idk i think wanting people to look deeper and see whats worthwhile about you while also realizing youve unintentionally#driven people away#and that you can be misunderstood AND need to improve how you treat people#is an interesting story (growing as a person while also understanding that you were worthwhile the whole time even if others didnt see it)#on TOP of being a. idk more true to life autism expereince at least for me#and characters who have these kinds of arcs are really fascinating to me and i think theres a lot of nuance to them#and idk it sucks when people try to act as if lack of malicious intent suddenly means everyone who doesnt love you unconditionally is wrong#to be clear sometimes its not the Neurodivergentisms that drive ppl away sometimes its smth else#but idk i find more nuanced approaches to characters like this feel much more engaging to me and its lame when it seems like ppl go out#of their way to remove nuance from characters :/
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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i am keeping both freminet and chongyun on my team and using them both as dps i do not care that they are both cryo claymore characters (so less capability for elemental reactions) cause they are my silly little autism children and i love them and i will protect them with my life and nothing that anyone says can stop me
oh yeah also i pulled the bell for the first time today and yes apparently it is by far not the best weapon for chongyun but it FITS HIM SO WELL so i simply do not care
like look at my boy 🥹 it matches his belt 🥹
#when you're playing genshin for the character personalities and the aesthetic not the efficiency#will i likely ever totally ace the spiral abyss? no. do i care? no. cause CHONGYUN IS COMING WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT#the reason why im so adamant on chongyun is cause im currently maining freminet. so he's my highest dps char atm so ofc he'll be on the tea#god i literally love them both so much#freminet is dissociation other-people-are-confusing-and-i-don't-like-that autism#that line about him wanting to go to the bottom of the ocean makes me feel every time#like... me too buddy me too#and then chongyun is special interest autusm#he reminds me of mob that's probably why i love him so much#BUT HE'S SO LIKE. I WILL DO THIS. AND DO IT RIGHT.#LIKE YES MY BOY GO YOU#anyways i have adopted them both#screw you arlecchino freminet is my son now#genshin#genshin impact#freminet#freminet genshin#chongyun#chongyun genshin impact#genshin cryo#also love the fact that the bell‚ my weapon for chongyun‚ is bigger and beefier than archaeic prototype‚ my weapon for freminet#just like freminet has a faster attack speed than chongyun#so it's like... one weapon seems lighter than the other#i was so proud when i realised that i had inadvertently done that and added physics where physics doesn't exist#thoughts n rambles#^ i meant prototype archaid. my bad :')
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random tokrev rant ahead !!
when i first started this blog it was going to be for random shitposts, groupchats once in a while, and mostly tokrev analysis but i was so scared of discourse that i just chose to do the funnier stuff 😭. when tokrev was at it's peak i'd be reading 20k+ words of analysis and it was so fun!! but i felt like i couldn't word what i wanted to say properly so that discouraged me but i wish i'd ignored that because there would have been at least one person who understood what i was saying yk?
#anyway#i used to have a tagging system but i forgot so that's my bad#and the thing about discourse is that you could give a person all the canonical facts of the story and they'll still find a way to pretend#that they're right and i personally cannot handle that#i take things very seriously and someone thinking they won a argument when they didn't would make me rip my hair out#so maybe my blog not going into that direction was good for my metal health#i feel like fandom interactions always end up as fights for some reason#why can't two opinions co-exist#let's discuss and have fun why we gotta tell each other to kill ourselves😭#like i saw a very well thought out and written theory about sanzu having autism or something along those lines#and a comment was like “stop trying to give him excuses he's a terrible villain and he's just crazy blah blah blah”#whole time this person's an izana apologist#like😐#i love both these characters but a lot of characters in tokrev are more complicated than just a “crazy villain”#and it seems like they understand that about izana so????#ok i'm done now i hope you guys get what i mean#tokyo revengers#tokyo revengers manga#tokrev
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low/no empathy is Minorly Othering in terms of interests (in my experience) because almost everyone i know prefers fiction over nonfiction, because it's more interesting and easier to digest,
but prefer the opposite for the same reasons. nonfiction is MUCH easier for me to parse through. i stress myself out a lot whenever i try to imagine a characters thoughts and feelings, and i end up usually just misunderstanding entirely. oftentimes it's so frustrating i just put a book down and never try reading it again. i understand rhetorical devices, messages, themes, symbolism,,, i understand the book on a technical level when it comes to the artistry of how it's written. but i, for the life of me, in the moment, simply cannot fathom a character's thoughts and feelings
comics are only a little easier bcs they have added help of drawn depictions of thoughts and feeling, but even then it can still be hard. i just can't enjoy the same literature many ppl are into just cus i find textbooks n stuff more easy to read
#when i say it stresses me out i mean it REALLY works me up WAYY more than it ever should#makes me wanna tear my hair out and curl up and scream. i'll be like halfway thru a chapter and then i'll realise the atmosphere#& emotions the characters are feeling isn't x but actually y and then i have to read it all over again to attempt to interpret it correctly#while nonfiction texts are fun to read. the language is rarely ever boring. even in textbooks if you get through the first few paragraphs#of introduction to a topic ; the rest of the section's really fun to read#the information presented as fact is just a lot easier for me to understand#sometimes biographies are stuff are a bit harder. bcs they may describe their emotions during a particular time or something and go into#neigh-narrative amt of personal detail. and usually when i read i want to have Full Comprehension™ so i stress myself out understanding#those feelings. ESPECIALLY if they're feelings i don't really experience#no empathy#low empathy#autism#apd#npd#<- tagging bcs contributes to low empathy. not rlly an npd post tho
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Realizing. I don't make art to make something Beautiful and Breathtaking or even just kinda cool composition wise, no. I have some sort of affliction. I have to find a way to make this incredibly time-consuming endeavor as speedy as possible for the Sole Purpose of Putting Guys in Situations. That is my true calling. There's Guys in my brain and I just need to Get Them OUT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ And go go go gogogogogo go GOOOO GO NEXT THING NEXT THING I GOTTA. THE. SITUATIONS ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ It's SO important to me..... One Billion Stories........... Infinite Amount of Situations....... featuring. My guiys.........
#i think. the affliction. i think they call it autism.#but also like it is so important to me actually that i am constantly Doing something.#idk idk it's all relative and i bet if you asked someone who does beautiful illusts all the time they could say the same sentiment i am#but like. obvs i do have to take my time w some things. esp larger projects. esp projects that are more intentional.#but it's sooooo important to me that i feel like i'm constantly moving AND. AND. constantly telling A Story.#I DON'T. WANNA SOUND PRETENTIOUS OR PICK ME I SWEAR I'M JUST SPEAKING FROM YHE HEART#and kind of airing out my frustrations and going ohhhhh. that's why. i'm Like That.#but for real i think i am just some sort of cartoonist at heart...... i'm extremely character-driven#and it's important to me. that even when i'm shitposting. it's important that there's little tidbits of storytelling#and also i just. need to make the process as quick as possible. again. i NEED to KEEP MOVING#THIS WAS. SLIGHTLY MORE ARTICULATE. IN MY HEAD. but i'm just running in circles i think#still. worth saying. i just Gotta. all of yhe time.
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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.........im just gonna be real i do not see kabu misu. like period...... like dont get me wrong theyhave a good dynamic but it was NOT mithrun in the middle of his conspiracy board
#i saw someone refer to labru as wanting to see kabru get worse and i feel so violent#yeah you know i think being a caretaker of sorts(situation where you may have to ignore your wants and needs) is soooo much healthier for#kabru than being with a peer who would help him unmask and reduce his monster anxiety with knowledge#not to say that relationships or fictional shipping is all about what makes characters better#i just find the labru dynamic infinitely more interesting than kabumisu#to me kabumisu is very boring. like okay yay prettyboy helps you get in touch with your desires and learns to take care of himself better#along the way like. cool! glad theyre friends!#labru though.... the drama... the autism....i think labru would be a lot about kabru working thru#his mask and laios learning not to box humans up as More Difficult/less desirable creatures than monsters/animals#like uhh actually i think itd be good for kabru to talk to someone who is not on the page kabru assumes hes on#and urrrmmm itd be good for laios to Finally have a friend who is Actually interested in Him. who is interested in humans so much that#laios might actually get a sufficient explanation for missed social cues and conventions#im just saying labru works because they are on the same level. my favorite panels are when people call kabru creepy
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question: who is your favourite scooby doo character and why?
in a similar vein to my how did you get into scooby doo post from last month, i'm now interested in hearing who your favourite character from the franchise is! are they a member of the core gang or a side character? which iteration/version of theirs do you like best? do you have any specific memories associated with them? do they mean a lot to you personally, or do you just think they're neat? it's time to gush about them in the tags/replies!!
#if you don't know me: hi i'm nem and when the scooby doo hyperfixation beam hit me back in 2021 i was cursed to forever think about#fred jones more than everyone else on the planet combined#i just think the evolution of his character is so fascinating#especially in the way that they made him more engaging by just exaggerating his core traits a whole bunch over time#my favourite iterations of his are mystery inc (for the canon autism and generally how emotionally affecting he is)#and what's new (for just how plain silly and sweet he is)#however now that i've seen the whole show be cool's version of fred is now a firm favourite as well (his focus episodes are amazing!!!)#there's just so much that can be done with him and there's never a dull moment when he gets quality screentime in an episode or movie#he makes me laugh he makes me cry and through relating so much to his character he essentially tricked me into loving myself#i grew up with undiagnosed autism and struggled with self-hatred for things like my intense interests/social struggles/hyperempathy#things that i now know are just. fundamental parts of me and the way my brain is#so seeing fred be his unapologetic autistic self (canon in mystery inc/coded in everything else) made me feel less alone & gave me hope#which eventually led me to seek out & obtain my formal diagnosis at 17 and generally just feel so much more secure in who i am#so yeah!!!! this silly goofy cartoon character means a whole lot to me and i'm glad to have a place to express that :)#i look forward to seeing everyone's responses to this question!!!#scooby doo
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ive been really really loving your fic work for awhile now and i saw u worrying about trans rep stuff the other day and i wanted to tell u that as a transgirl who has terrible BPD from being a lonely kid ive felt very connected with your intrepretation of falin. the whole inner dragon metaphor and the inner guilt of if its justified for standing up for yourself was so absolutely keen to some of the struggles ive had in relationships and seeing them written so well in a character that already means a lot to me is wonderful. also your smut is tremendous please keep doing the lords work <3
#asks#a little creature#im very happy it resonated w u#also ahah whenever people mention it speaking to their bpd ive been quiet bc im still fairly apprehensive about being too open abt it#but enough people have been kind enough to tell me about it so i guess it bears saying that its somewhat intentional#i usually try to temper the way that my bpd influences the way that i write bc i know most characters dont react that intensely to things#but i knew it would be inevitable with how i was handling the way falins dragon affects her usual audhd mindset so#i kinda just let loose and leaned into the ways it makes it so difficult to navigate your own emotions#esp. when your confidence in 'right and wrong' in social situations is already horribly shaken bc of the autism#im v v happy people are able to feel connected to it#the autism + adhd + bpd clusterfuck is such a specific thing that i really wasnt expecting this many ppl to find it relatable AHA
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my autistic ass when i would try to explain to my non-autistic writer friends how my ocs don’t just feel like characters/plot devices/narrative tools, they feel like fully fledged people that just live inside my brain who i just have access to for some reason and the stories i write are merely a snapshot into their fully fledged personhood/lives. and that that these feelings don’t mean i’m unaware of my role/agency/responsibility as the writer who has the final say in these characters and how they are written it just means that my writing process feels very intuitive and i can only describe it as “listening” and “getting to know” these people that just live inside my brain in a way that i don’t feel like i can completely elaborate on. and because of this i would actually consider these characters “real” in their own way because the impact and influence they have had on me as a person beyond just my writing is so real and not having them would feel like i’m missing a part of myself
#DISCLAIMER! when i say autistic i do not mean this is an exclusively autistic experience or that every autistic person will experience this#i mean that its my autism that makes me not just have my characters be my special interest but also feel so intensely about them#and why i have sometimes felt weird talking about my characters with people because i am just experiencing ocs in a different way#to them#also i think one time when i tried to explain this to someone they thought i literally meant that i felt my characters were real#and when i look back on moments like that i am like beloved you need to get yourself some autistic friends#also its 10pm and ive been up since 6am and this was a very emotionally heavy day so im about to post this and log out and we'll see how#tomorrow me feels about that#but anyways the point of this post is i did not realise this was not universal and felt kinda weird about it for a while until i realised#that it is just the autism and i was like wow this is actually very cool of me i think actually#yesterday my bf sent me song links and was like i feel like felix would listen to these#and ive been thinking about this ever since hence the post because that made me so happy bc i was like i feel like you're seeing him as a#real part of me the way i see him as a real part of me
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hey you just spent 60 to 70 hours getting to know these characters and possibly romancing them? well lets throw in a suicide mission for them where at LEAST one of them dies! teehee this is goooood gaming folks love a shock value death
#im so pissed... i think its just all the things i dont like about the game kinda piling on idk#im just. ive been waiting for 10 years. mass effect andromeda may have been a disaster but at least i loved it! at least it smashed my heart#into little bitty pieces and made me feel like id been wrung out like a fucking shamwow. love that team but this?#the characters are good and theyre funny and i love that there is an AMPUTEE! THAT IS SO COOL! and an nb character! and certain parts are#really good and make me tear up like all of davrins quests and the end of emmrichs and bellaras#and taash oh my GOD hearing them scream tama broke my heart a little#and assan and the other griffins!!! they make me so happy!!!#but idk there's just something missing this doesnt feel like a dragon age game to me#and by that i mean it doesnt make me feel like someone is inside my chest just kicking things#like. i dont love it. and i feel so guilty just saying that oh my god but. i really feel like crying right now#o think its the Autism. ukno when u get too excited or upset and u just have to cry#HMPH. im gonna eat cold fries and read wuthering heights. cant wait for da4 cause this one was a joke game right#wytxt#veilguard spoilers
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every time someone dislikes a character I consider autistic because they seem highly autistic coded, especially if it's "for no reason/just a feeling" I get so incredibly sad and offended because I just know it's because they have autistic traits. I know these people would do the same to me and other irl autistic people. and that's always such a shitty reason to dislike/hate someone.
I just know they would hate us autistic for "no reason" and it would be because people for some reason dislike autistic people based on some obscure random feeling and they can't even tell you why. they often see us as "broken neurotypicals" or we give them that "uncanny valley robot" feeling (especially for high masking autistic people) or whatever it is. they often think we appear "normal" in every way, except something is "off" to them, they they dislike and bully us for it. it's not our fault we were born with these traits/disability so it's not fair to hate us for it!
at least that's how it always seems to go for me and everyone autistic person i've personally know. especially ones better at masking. (I personally was never good at masking and was seen as a "weird freak" who deserves bullying no matter what I did, especially since i was unable to talk 95% of the time as a kid) the mask still never truly hides that "off feeling" people get. i'm sure other autistic people experience this too, but people always dislike me or even hate me and usually can't ever seem to give me a reason. friends will suddenly turn on me and not give me a reason. (especially if we always had text based communication online and then we meet irl the first time. they suddenly turn on or abandon me after that). if I can get a reason out of someone, it's always because *insert random autistic trait here* so I assume it's the same with every case
if this happens irl, it has to be the same for fictional characters, right? it's the only explanation I can think of. I see stuff like this all the time. the autistic coded characters are always getting hate for seemingly no reason like this:
meanwhile, the autistic coded characters always become my favorites because I understand them better and relate
#autism#autistic#actually autistic#neurodivergent#people probably do this with other neurodivergencies too tbh#hsr#dan heng#ill tag that too in case other autistic dan heng enjoyers are out there and feel the same 😔🤝😔#i have seen almost the same exact post about albedo before too. hes also very autistic coded#probably wouldn't be hard to find one about lynette since shes very autistic. and others too. sighs. its so sad. let us live#i don't care if someone dislikes me or a character. its when that reason is from being autistic#whether they conciously know or not that makes me upset. disliking someone for a trait/disability they cant help just sucks#even if its just me projecting onto a foctional character who i can relate to a lot because they feel so similar to me#when irl people are all so different and weird to me and treat ME like the weird alien they dislike “for no reason” sighsssss#again i dont care if someone dislikes a character (or me) i just hate when its for autistic characteristics even if they k ow why#they dont know why*#that may not even be it for the screenshoted people. but its SO GODDAMN COMMON for people to dislike autistic people#“FOR NO REASON” or some obscure feeling they cant explain. so that is the logical explanation#i hardly ever see people dislike a character (or me / other irl autistic people) for any other legitimate reason that's not autistic traits#its always things like “theyre annoying/too awkward and quit/too weird/do and say weird stuff/give me a weird feeling/lack personality/#quiet* not quit#/too obsessed with *special interest*/bad at communicating/etc“ and not legitimate reasons like they're not a good person or something#where was i going with this ramble....got distracted and forgot#lee rambles#lee is confused and upset about these things!!!!
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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