#like idk i think wanting people to look deeper and see whats worthwhile about you while also realizing youve unintentionally

[ourhouseishaunted]

people acting as if laios can Do No Wrong and infantilizing him because he is autistic are annoying as hell. especially because laios belongs to my favorite genre of character: "person who desperately wants friends and deep relationships because they're lonely, and while part of their problems stem from people not wanting to understand them and refusing to meet them where they are, they also genuinely come across in a way where you Completely Understand why others can get turned off from them"

[despiteherself]

King Julien?

THIS IS SO LONG RIP

King Julien my beloved…….

Also sorry this took me so long omgggg

* favorite thing about them

everything <3

okay, so this comes as no surprise to literally anyone who’s heard me talk about kj but his big heart. i absolutely adore that so much of his story is about how his big heart fumbling around saves the day, even when the story is about his own hubris. Whether it was intentional or not ahkj ended up being a powerful story about a kind-hearted party animal with an inherited legacy of violence and mistreatment heal from his own trauma with the love for his people. yes! it was messy and it is a kids show so it had a lot of continuity issues and like…. toilet humour, but underneath it was so tender. kj’s story of wanting to be king for perks, to feeling like he didn’t deserve to be the one true king but managing to unite the entirety of the kingdoms Madagascar under his love as a symbol was so…….. kj’s big heart saves the day <3

even in the movies, where he is classist and bigheaded he still manages to do it? melman is brave because of kj’s empathy for a talking head, and the circus goes back to the Central Park zoo to help the zoosters bc of kj’s love. his line about “it doesn’t matter what you smell like, or what i smell like, it matters what we smell like together.” is what prompts everyone to forgive the lies.

* least favorite thing about them

nothing he’s perfect <3

I don’t know how to feel about season 5 after exiled. I know it must have been hard trying to tie everything up, going back to the joke based continuity and toilet humour after the emotional sucker punch of exiled. it just. feels like it rehashes old plots but makes them more complex and I think if it hadn’t been after exiled I wouldn’t feel so…. Unsure. kj in this, starts off desperately trying to prove himself as king (again) for good reason, but then seems to lose himself in petty ways he out grow and serious things reveled through jokes get left behind to make more jokes and it just feels…… kj grew into being a good leader and i wish it wasn’t forgotten again. This isn’t rlly about him, more the writing, and the plot problem - episodic vs long form story telling is a hard one, but it’s what I dislike. Let kj have growth bc he was given some and it’s hard to see it’s gone when we know it’s possible.

* favorite line

Oh this is hard :/

I like whenever he does his little pep talks. Or when he says he loves his kingdom. Those are fun & nonsensical and yet, an encapsulation of why he’s such a good ruler. he does understand his people, in a way the juliens before him didn’t, because he was never supposed to be one of them, and left to his own devices with his big sensitive heart made a connection that would outlast even the cruelest of julien kings. julien wants to be loved so badly, and he makes a mess of it, but he holds together the cracks of the lemurs before him, hurt by others the way he was and together they build something worthwhile.

“think of it as me sandwich, stuffed with me.

Pretty good right?” Bc that’s one of the funniest scenes

* brOTP

royal quartet <3

kj and literally everyone. i love him being friends and loving towards just about everyone

* OTP

hmmmmmmmmm

kj x his kingdom as a wholistic statement <3 i think married to his kingdom is what’s most satisfying for me. Kj who makes the specific choice to focus on his kingdom instead of personal goals - and despite loving children so much, making the specific choice to end the julien line (it’s reign of terror) with him. Ahhhhhhhh that would be so satisfying narratively.

also, not to bring this up again but i do think it would be beneficial to both their characters of like kj and ted had a idk passionate summer fling and are now each other’s wingmen post divorce. i say again but i barely think I’ve hinted at it so you know, whatever. i just think their dynamic is SO interesting, and the one scene in exiled where Ted saves everyone is just……. ah, perfect. I wish we got a deeper exploration of Ted & Dorothy, and Ted & his rejection by julien at lemur school & losing prom king & his obsessed with being needed/wanted.

I have no issues with any of the pairings that happened lmao, but obv most of them are exes and i think they’re fun that way. Karen, rob, crimson, karl probably, idk, i guess skipper? i don’t think they date bc skipper is homophobic <3

* nOTP

There’s just way too much family symbolism & literally having clover and Maurice ACTUALLY taking his parents place for me to be anything but squicked by kj/either of them/both of them. no shade to anyone who does, but it just makes me feel :////// I also just love their dynamic as friends, and whilst exploring toxicity in relationships can be interesting, i rlly think that if the three of them became more dependent on each other it would just stunt them all. they do better as a unit in relation to everyone in the kingdom.

I didn’t include mort in the family part even tho he pretends to be kj’s son once but he’s included in that. people who say royal trio over royal quartet break my heart, mort is equally important in this dynamic and also. notp thanks

aslo don’t care for pancho :/ sorry pancho lovers <3 it’s just i don’t think he’s half as important as anyone makes him out to be and i don’t think he and kj rlly have that much chemistry, especially not compared to like his interactions with pretty much every single adult lemur. it’s whatever! ppl have fun with it, i just personally don’t see why you’d pick it over literally any of the other side but main-ish characters. i actually think, if anything, kj is more dismissive towards pancho than a lot of characters, especially considering he’s so flirty. and no amount of the Manchurian candidate can make up for that, especially when it was about family again.

ok now that I’ve alienated like 98% of the ahkj fandom it’s okay it’s not like super notp it’s just i don’t care for it <3

* random headcanon

kj starts watching todd’s unboxing videos one day when he’s relaxing, after he’s calmed down about the captain booty butt toy being stolen, like 3am channel surfing and like gets rlly into the concept bc like surprise toys out of box is peak adhd excitement. he wants to start his own channel and in his excitement gets everyone to watch his stuff which doesn’t have the care or knowledge (bc the excitement for kj is the surprise - can relate) that Todd’s has and Todd’s show gets canceled. he’s obv pretty sad bc that was Todd’s only hobby outside of doing what his mum makes him do & he gets rlly upset. eventually, somehow, kj stumbles upon Todd being sad and they have a convo and kj realises that he stole Todd’s hobby & that actually, the hovering, full attention of Tammy is suffocating and not something kj should long for. I rlly want Todd & kj to have an end to their “rivalry”. They make up, kj retires his unboxing channel and promos Todd’s, Todd gets to hang out in the plane as a friend to get away from his family for a while, kj learns the value of space.

* unpopular opinion

again… are there unpopular kj opinions???

i just think he should have had the proper number of rings on his tail. when i look at it I’m like, sir please give him the correct number it hurts me to see like 7 of each colour and i think it ends in a white tip which >:/ which is a silly thing to find annoying

[thomas-the-goat-of-satan]

This is me taking a comedy show and stretching it/making it deeper than it needs to be but idc I have many thoughts on how they dealt with Santana’s ed so here we go😂

Santana saying something along the lines of her wanting to look good rather than feel good shows that she is placing her body image above her own health, like you said that basically confirms it, add in the fact that she is drinking a harmful shake, what is known as a vomiting agent, so that she doesn’t keep any food down and therefore her body isn’t getting the proper nutrition.

Rachel assuming it was Santana in the bathroom throwing up is kind of the most concerning because for her to assume, she must’ve heard her before meaning this is a common thing for Santana.

Then there’s Mercedes basically telling everyone that Santana doesn’t eat. This was well after RDMH, so they had established a friendship plus Mercedes had seen how Santana was on the Cheerios in regards to the shake/food. I think her lashing out at Santana in that moment was out of frustration, but also Santana’s face is hard to miss because clearly she’s been shot down. Usually Santana is able to strike back, like she did when Finn tried to insult her, but the look of hurt and lack of rebuttal, only shows when people dig deep in her insecurities rather than surface level things, ie Rachel telling her she would only ever amount to working on a pole (direct hit to her self worth), Finn calling her a coward (direct hit to her sexuality), the guy in the hallway telling her he could straighten her out (another direct hit to her sexuality). Point is, when she feels targeted in a specific way and cant/wont fight back its when someone digs at her under the surface stuff, and thats exactly what happened with the “Like you eat!” line. Otherwise she’d just brush it off, but she didn’t.

Lastly, this one is absolute bonkers but I’m already talking a load of bullshit so why not. I think her obsession with breadstix could directly translate into a binging and purging cycle. Like, in season one on her double date she’s handing back her clean plate and demanding seconds, so she’s clearly not eating normal portions, and she talks about filling a wheelbarrow with Breadstix. but then we see her on a date with Brittany where she literally has a plate of lettuce. Just plain lettuce💀 Idk seems sus to me.

Yeah so those are my thoughts and a lot of this is me full on projecting myself onto Santana lmao, Glee isn’t this deep and I highly doubt they were doing all these things with the intent to make it a clear and serious storyline that she struggles with an ED, but they dropped so many hints here and there that could be connected.

and the fact that she was the first to recognize that Marley was showing symptoms, which in and of itself isn't particularly convincing, but what stands out to me is that she knows what Marley is going to say to defend herself before Marley even opens her mouth. she shot her down so easily that it makes me think that she's used those excuses herself. on top of that, Santana is the only one who seems to genuinely take the issue seriously. she even goes out of her way to talk to Quinn about it, and while that doesn't end up resulting in anything worthwhile, the fact remains that Santana Lopez went completely out of her way to talk to her old high school frenemy about Kitty because she was worried about a girl that she barely knows having an eating disorder. her being bulimic specifically is highly unlikely, as she canonically has perfect teeth, something that isn't very common among people who suffer from that condition, but the Breadstix theory is compelling. I certainly don't think that these were meant to be taken super seriously, they were clearly just meant to be unfunny jokes, and if anything they were probably just meant to be jabs at Naya's ED because the writers are the fucking worst. but regardless, it's still a theory that holds a lot of weight.

[daysafternights]

Questions To Ask Someone If You Want Them To Bare Their Soul

91. Why are we here?

Because that’s how life works.

92. If heaven is real and you died tomorrow, would you get in?

Don’t think so.

93. Do you believe in fate?

Yes.

94. How do you think people see you?

Something negative. I’m a cynical person.

95. If you had the ability to erase something that you did in the past, what would it be?

I most probably erase that memory already.

96. What song makes you unconditionally happy?

Don’t have one.

97. If you could have anybody else’s life, who’s would you take?

No one.

98. What fictional character do you most relate to?

This is tough.

99. If I asked you at age 5 what you wanted to be when you grew up, what would you say?

Teacher.

100. What is your biggest irrational fear?

Huh? Jump scare?

101. If you could take us anywhere in the world right now, where would you take us?

Seoul.

102. What is your biggest regret?

Don’t have one that’s significant enough.

103. If you died tomorrow, what would you wish you had done?

Visit my grandparents.

104. Can you pin point the moment in your life where you were the happiest?

With my friends. Having sex. Getting drunk.

105. What song makes you unconditionally sad?

I love u, I hate u.

106. If past lives are real, what was yours?

No idea.

107. Have you ever seen something you can’t explain?

Nope.

108. What is your biggest accomplishment?

Being a scholar.

109. If you could do one thing without suffering the consequences, what would you do?

To be naked.

110. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

I caused my grandfather’s death.

Questions To Ask If You’re Ready To Know Dig Even Deeper

111. What is the darkest thought you’ve ever had? What about the darkest thing you’ve never told anybody?

To actually kidnap someone. Nil. I tell my friends everything.

112. Is there something out there, a thought, an idea, a current event, or a fear that you find deeply unsettling?

End of the world.

113. What would you consider to be your deepest fear? (This question can be really telling of the depth or lack thereof of a person.)

HAHAHA. Definitely lack cuz my deepest fear is cockroach.

114. Is there an activity that calms you? A place or a thing that makes you feel at ease?

Closing my eyes and lying down. My baobao.

115. What makes you feel uneasy? Overwhelmed? Anxious?

When someone doesn’t reply me.

116. What is your favorite song and why?

I hate the word favourite.

117. Do you have a favorite book? A line in a piece of literature? A poem? Why do you relate to it?

Nope.

118. What scene in a movie has evoked the most feelings out of you?

When ping pong died in Inside Out.

119. What do you do or where do you go when you need to be alone?

I used to go cruiseclub. Now I’m at PGP.

120. What makes you feel like you need to be alone?

When my mind can’t stop thinking.

121. Can you remember a time in your life you felt the most alive? Tell me everything about that memory.

When I first came out. I thought that was the most relieving moment.

122. When have you felt the lowest in your life?

When I got retain. LMAO.

123. Where have you felt the most failure? The most success?

JC days. Army days.

124. Tell me about the facts or harsh truths you choose to ignore but know you shouldn’t.

I’m lazy.

125. When have you felt like you were living life to the fullest? When have you felt like you weren’t?

Never once did I. All the time mate.

126. What is the first lie you ever told? Which is the biggest?

Can’t remember most probably something I did and didn’t admit to my mum. I’m gay.

127. What is the first secret you ever kept from anybody? Which is the biggest?

I’m gay. I’m gay.

128. Are you a religious or spiritual person? Tell me why and tell me how.

Spiritual. I think a lot about life, people and world in general.

129. Have you always had the same political beliefs? Is there something that impacted them?

Not a political person. Sorry.

130. Where do you find meaning in your life?

I was hoping you can tell me.

131. Have you ever been in love? Tell me about the times you have been.

Sadly nope.

132. Tell me about the times someone broke your heart.

When I confessed and he said no. When I found out everything was pretty much me being dumb.

133. Why did you cry the last time you did so?

Watching five feet apart.

134. Have you ever cried tears of joy?

Nope. Is that possible?

135. What did you do when you hurt someone the most?

I said sorry and tried to make up for it but it didn’t work.

136. If your life was a movie or a book what would be the title to it?

Welcome to the boring life of QinPing.

137. When have you caused the most harm to yourself?

During army days as well.

138. What has been the biggest change you ever made that made you the most proud of yourself?

Not yet.

139. Think about the people you love the most in your life, what do you do for them?

To catch a bullet literally.

140. Is home for you a place or a feeling? Describe that place or describe that feeling.

A place. Feeling safe and secure and being the true you.

141. If you could be anywhere other than where you are right now, where would you be and what would you be looking at?

Alaska. Northern light.

142. Have you ever questioned your sanity and why?

Yes. Because I think I’m not?

143. What is your most cherished childhood memory?

Going to mama shop with my sis and bro. Idk why.

144. Have you ever had dreams about a past life?

No leh.

145. Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares?

Yes.

146. Do you believe more in fate or that we are the creators of our own destinies because we are governed by free will?

Fate.

147. Do you believe in extraterrestrial life? Elaborate on why or why not.

Nope. I don’t think my brain can take it.

148. Would you find more comfort in the theoretical idea that that we were the most advanced species in outer space or would you find more comfort in the idea that we weren’t?

Latter.

149. What would be your thought process if you were presented with irrefutable evidence that a god didn’t exist? What would be your thought process if you were presented with irrefutable evidence that a god did exist?

I will just accept whatever that’s presented.

150. What do you think was there before the universe came into creation?

Good question.

151. Do you believe in other dimensions and parallel universes?

Yes.

152. How do you define art?

There’s not definition to art.

153. If you could have the option of eradicating pain from your life would you choose to do so? Why or why not?

Nope. Pain is the reason that makes us humans.

154. Is a life exclusive to pleasure (no suffering) worthwhile?

Not really.

155. What do you think happens after death, if anything?

You go to another place?

156. If you could be given the date of your death would you want to know it?

Tough question. I guess so.

157. Presented with the opportunity to be immortal would you take it?

Nope.

158. Would you rather be loved or love?

Love.

159. How do you define beauty?

In beholder’s eye? Okay jokes. Up to you.

160. Where does happiness come from? Define what happiness means to you.

Within you. Happiness is being contented.

161. Do you believe yourself to be truly free? If so, why? If not, what is holding you back?

Nope. Everything that I’m scared of.

162. Deja-vu: is there anything to it or merely coincidence?

The former.

[krokonoko]

Doin one of my play by plays of the Pokemon movies.

It’s been a while since the last one! That’s cuz chronologically, we should do the 3rd one next, but the 3rd one is my fav and I’d rant for hours about how good it is and ain’t nobody got time for that, so we gonna skip straight to the fourth one.

I always remembered the fourth movie decidedly unfavorably. It’s categorized in my head as “the one that started the era of Pokemon movies that suck.”

And yeah it’s. Not as good as its predecessors. It was the movie that started the formula of “cute helpless legendary Pokemon needs to be saved from evul ppl.” It was the first one starring Ash’s new German voice actress, which was a big reason for me to stop watching the anime back in the day cuz WOW that new voice was the most grating thing in existence.

But looking back, I feel like I did the movie injustice. I think it’s got a lot of neat moments, and some that I honestly love, if only for their silliness. So let’s do this.

We start with music rehashed from the first movie. Not a good look, though that’s probably 4Kids fault.

GOD that cgi is ugly. And even worse, it was already back in the day!! There was never a time when this looked good.

wow thanks lady that looks gross af

those are some big ass nidoran

Oh no, the evil guy is weakening Celebi in order to catch it...! ...Wait that’s what we’re doin all day long in the games.

Honestly, it never made sense to my why the plot of the anime was so often revolving around keeping people from catching wild Pokemon? I mean I guess Team Rocket wants to use them for bad things, but Ash & Co. usually justified them keeping Team Rocket from catching wild Pokemon with accusations like “These Pokemon don’t belong to you!” ...bitch, yeah, they don’t belong to you either, they don’t belong to anyone, that’s why we’re catching them, that’s the entire purpose of the goddamn franchise?

And if the problem here is that this guy wants to catch a legendary Pokemon, then why am I required to catch legendaries to advance the plot in the games?

The cutest fucking Tyranitar.

What IS this guy’s outfit. Also will you believe me if I tell you it took me over 15 years to figure out this dude is a Team Rocket member?

“The Pokemon I catch with these balls become evil, and their powers are immediately maximized.”

Ah sure that sounds scientific and only slightly OP.

The title screen doesn’t exactly help the impression that this movie is severely half-assed, even if it’s made by 4Kids.

I also think it’s really funny that the English name of the movie is this run of the mill punny 4Kids bs. I mean. 4Kids. 4Ever. Wow. What ingenuity. And the German translation team took a look at that and went “NOPE, not doin it”, and called it “The timeless encounter”.

We’re about to see a Croconaw!!! :DDD

Will I ever be over the fact that Brock’s cute tiny Zubat evolved into a badass Crobat while I wasn’t looking? Nah.

Ah there it is, Ash’s new voice... You gotta understand, I had this huge crush on Ash when I was ~10yo, and his voice was a big part of that. So when it got replaced, I didn’t exactly take it well. Also the new one was doin its best to be even more grating than the English one. THEN AGAIN, the voice actress actually isn’t that bad in this movie and Mewtwo Returns.

HE.

No one knows how to actually pronounce Suicune until you hear someone else say it in a certain way and you go “NO that’s NOT how you say it!!”

I love how the old lady with the green hair is revealed to be the guardian of the entry to the forest since she was young. It’s just so funny how we just saw her jump about 30 foot off a tree as a teenager when Sammy was about to enter the forest, and go like “/game grumps zelda voice/ heeey kid, s’just a legend or whatever, but timetravel, it’s a thihiiing! Here, have some bread! byeee!” And then the kid vanished, and now she’s this grumpy old hag who waves her staff at everyone coming past her house like “DON’T EVEN FUCKING DARE GETTING CLOSE TO THAT FUCKING FOREST OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL KICK YUR ASS!!”

babies babies bABIES

That Stantler is fucking legendary. Idk how it is in the English version, but in the German dub, it’s just got the most normal voice. Like, often the ppl voicing Pokemon will kind of talk in a hissing tone, or make their voice sound deeper or whatever, but this Stantler sounds like a completely normal dude just matter-of-factly stating: “Damhir. Plex.”

And instead of, idk, holding Celebi into the water at the edge, Sammy walks into the lake, clothes and backpack and everything, and squats there like a tool. I mean I get it, the imagery is much stronger like this, but couldn’t he at least taken off the shoes? The backpack? THAT’S GOT HIS NOTEBOOK IN IT???

I love them. Every single one of them is so valid.

Nothing to see here, just a pretty shot.

I really like these old anime glow effects~

The best part about Celebi healing Misty’s knee is how she doesn’t just slowly try to put weight on it or something, but straight up jumps around on it. Ride or die, man.

This is one of my fav moments in the entire movie, cuz you got Celebi cruisin around in the foreground, and the boys sitting there, looking at the viewer with this exact vacant stare for multiple seconds without making a noise or moving.

You know, I mean... the first two Pokemon movies were some pretty basic stuff. Esp. The second one was really just a McGuffin hunt. But this one is just such a poster child for the plot that would be recycled in Pokemon movies like no other. The entire narrative has completely halted. All we are doing is watching Ash, Sammy and Celebi bond. There are no stakes and no tension, except for the fact that the Pokemon hunter is still on the lose but he’s so forgettable, who honestly even still cares about him?

And the thing is, this bonding between Ash, Sammy and Celebi is important so they can save Celebi from turning evil later, but it still rings kinda hollow what with the montage they’re getting of all the fun times they had for the last, say two hours?

The much more important thing, which puts this movie a bit ahead of most other Pokemon movies with this structure, is that Ash isn’t just bonding with the legendary of the week, but also with Sammy.

And Sammy isn’t just a bff of the week, but an established core cast character. Imho, that’s what makes the movie worthwhile.

The dumb thing about this is that Celebi didn’t even get corrupted for any good reason. It was literally just “yeah it was in that weird pokeball for a sec now it’s evil.” ^^°

cgicune

I remember first watching this movie and this was the point where I honestly started hating it because I was so disgusted by how unimaginative everything about this... ball? is...

yeah no, this is just. really really bad.

OKAY here’s another thing. WHY did Suicune turn up now?

On the one hand I do realize I like this movie more than I thought I did. On the other hand I’m starting to see why it was such a problem for me back then. This movie is just trying to copy formulas from the prior ones without really. Working for it. Remember Lugia and Ash working together? Lugia saving Ash and all that? Wasn’t that cool?

Yeah but there was also a reason for WHY Lugia stepped in and WHY they helped Ash. It was Lugia’s task to step in in case the three birds started fighting. And Ash was the chosen one. It’s flimsy as fuck, but it worked.

What’s Suicune’s connection to all of this? They’re... sorta like... another guardian of the forest. Cool. Then why didn’t they step in the moment the hunter attacked Celebi? There’s no real reason for them to save Ash and Sammy, except for the fact that they’re protags and they need plot shield.

Everything about the writing in this movie makes it so obvious even to a young teenager that this is just ticking boxes.

The thing is, the first three movies had at least one character developing. It took a human’s sacrifice for Mewtwo to learn the value of life, both of the life of others and their own. In the second movie, Ash had to live up to the responsibility of being the chosen one. And the third movie is just amazing and Molly is a really interesting character, she overcomes a deep grief and learns that escapism is not the answer to her problems and it’s just all around the best Pokemon movie of all time it’s got so much emotional depth idek where to start.

But here... Who learned anything? Who developed? And I think that’s where later Pokemon movies fall short. There’s not a lot of character development, and even if there is any, it just rehashes of the old movies. And while I couldn’t have put it into words like that when I was a young teen, I think that’s part of what bothered me so much about this one. 

Also what’s with this bs talk about the lake being polluted or the forest dying? A couple of trees got uprooted and there’s a bit of dirt, honest to god nothing but soil and stuff, in the lake. Give it a couple of months and it’s gonna be fine. It’s not like there’s toxic waste in the water or anything.

I mean you could say the forest is dying cuz Celebi is dying, but by the logic of the movie, it was the other way around! And honestly, nothing in the background even looks like its wilting at ALL. So this really doesn’t leave much of an impression.

Fuck this, this is not earned.

At this point, the hunter guy is just bullying Celebi.

And this little overpowered dingdong can’t even free itself from some dude grabbing it. Okay sure so Ash needs to save it againnnn what are the emotional stakes hereee

ANYWAY. It was all worth it for the only actual plot twist in the history of Pokemon movies:

And I actually really, really like this one. It’s not just an awesome twist but also a super sweet moment between Ash and Prof. Oak that deepens their bond.

So yeah, I think I already said everything I had to say about this one. Kind of the beginning of the end for Pokemon movies. Not saying there aren’t some winners in between, but man did they get formulaic. And the recent attempts to break up said formula are. Questionable at best. It seems like Pokemon can’t really escape itself, though I’m sure if they wanted they could create meaningful stories like the first or third movies or just solid, fun action movies like the second one again.

[cvenir]

here i am to introduce EIGHT characters that i actually thought i had already introduced lmao set me on fire !! but yay, take a look under the cut! ofc eventually proper bios will hit my pages and their tasks will expand much more on my children! as always, pinterests and songs are linked if u wanna go a lil deeper

just kidding i drafted that when i was aCTUALLY gonna do 8 but thankfully tea says she won’t accept me until i post 2 intros so yOU SHALL RECEIVE 2 RN and 8 later <33333 gotta keep y’all on your toes heh also i wrote niall’s in my journal on the plane so like... it’s not great (literally just bullets of sentence fragments) but wtvr that’s what bios are for amirite

NIALL O'DONOGHUE looks an awful lot like TARON EGERTON. HE is TWENTY-EIGHT and while they're ASTUTE, they have a tendency to get pretty ARDUOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to DON'T WANNA FALL IN LOVE by KYLE (ok his pinterest is incredibly unfinished look away)

v conflicting mix of soft and hard

king of suppressing his lowkey intense feelings

kinda awkward around others due to the fact that he spent his entire life reading, writing, and studying –– he rarely interacted with other people as a kid and this mostly continued into his adult life

sweet soft boi has a double masters in medieval and renaissance studies and french and romance philology; he’s working on his phd rn while interviewing to become an assistant professor at kola university

grew up w a single mom (never knew dad) and had no siblings so his childhood was even lonelier :////

so like mad libs = his bff :’(

well mad libs and the shoulder flashlight he invented for late night reading (shoutout to amy santiago)

v soft and passionate heart

loves intellectual discussions like my boi has v strong gemini/virgo/mercury influences –– and a libra (or taurus i haven’t decided yet) venus so waTCH OUT

takes friendship v seriously (love u grant <333 @mcnuggcts )

buttt he can be a giant asshole sorry i don’t make the rules

v organized and particular

and scared of getting close to people bc he’s so used to being alone ugh my son!!

but once you get in there you’ll see he’s a good guy like rlly is he just has a bad temper sometimes and can barely express any emotion but anger half the time :///

ISLA VARGA looks an awful lot like ALEXIS REN. SHE is TWENTY-TWO and while they're SAGACIOUS, they have a tendency to get pretty MACABRE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to COOL GIRL by TOVE LO. 

so i’ve played isla before n i’m v sorry to do this but i feel hella lazy so i’m sORRY but here comes a fucking huge wall of text don’t look at me and don’t feel like u have to read it ://// all the triggers i tagged apply to her; she’s p dark so seriously do not read it if you think she will make you uncomfortable!!

to preface, isla is like the embodiment of all of the seven deadly sins, and i molded her a lot after amy dunne (scary, i know) and april ludgate (mostly amy tho april is just deadpan like she is –– when she’s being herself, that is), as she is an incredible pococurante yet perfectionist who borders on sociopathy

soooo this will make sense later but her real name is actually brigid (father’s surname idk) which she now uses as her middle name

so isla’s dad is a fucking rockstar !!! badass right. she’s half-siblings with hadley ( @ofadorations ) and colby ( @shtbgs ) but she actually never met her mom, something she’s not too pressed about

bc she was cute as a button, family friends decided to get her into the entertainment business as a child star almost as soon as she could walk –– she did it all, acted, modeled, danced, sang, she was literally hollywood’s little starlet and she hated every minute of it. the entertainment business loved who they created, but that girl was never her and it weighed deeply on her psyche.

when she was twelve, she decided to fake her own disappearance because she was fed up with everything –– she cut her hair to her ears, dyed it brown (and has continued to do so ever since) and sneaked her way to nyc hoping no one would recognize her

well someone did, and they happened to be a member of ruthless and organized mobs of the city –– in return for keeping her concealed, she pledged her devotion and became one of their most skilled and lethal honeytraps in the business (WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE BC THEY MADE HER START YOUNG I AM SO SORRY FOR WRITING THIS IT JUST PLAYS HEAVILY INTO HER CHARACTER)

along the way, members inevitably died –– people she was sworn to care for –– many times before her eyes as well, which only lead her to realize she enjoyed witnessing all sorts of death, even those of people she was supposed to “love”. emotion was almost nonexistent in isla’s childhood, a trait that bled into her character development.

she began to idolize the gang and its power, something she now craved. still, isla was doing a great job of portraying herself to those around her as a rosy, meek, baby-doll, when in actuality she was a child full of hate who would soon blossom into a young adult of the same tone. she became even more obsessed with death, fantasizing about it as if her unusual thoughts would make her less afraid when it came for her. 

eventually, as she grew older, she was accepted into the higher ranks of the mob; this couldn’t have made isla more content. the macabre girl was honored that someone else noticed her genius, the way she could predict things, assess situations, manipulate people to do her bidding. it was only right that she was initiated into a society that praised her for such harshness

but, as all things do, her time in the gang ended after ten years and isla did what she does best: disappeared. she’s relocated back close to home, kola california, and it’s only a matter of time before people and the industry realize just who she is

if she’s acting like her true self, she behaves like a negative, eldritch layabout who likes to watch others suffer (sounds extreme, i know). however, she rarely lets anyone see the real her, and instead accepts various facades in a big game –– the darkness is truly her personality, she’s not faking her cold demeanor. this image enables her to mask her true potential and the fact that she is unflaggingly loyal and cares about those she’s close to.

if i had to give her a label, it would probably be the pococurante (which is defined as: an indifferent person. possibly they’re bored, jaded or even been hurt. either way, they tend not to get attached to things and don’t show much enthusiasm, whether that’s on the outside or the inside, too)

on the other hand, she could be accurately summed up as an arcane, as she’s an enigmatic mystery and she prides herself on being a puzzle that several people have failed to solve. there are many sides to her personality; in some aspects, she’s very much an aesthete considering she spends a great deal of her time taking putting together outfits, so she has a very defined fashion sense and typically dresses like a princess half the time, which is very ironic considering her dark personality. she truly is so GLAMOROUS (and this is why i love alexis for her) and she works that mean girl, hard soul aesthetic while serving looks and also able to come across as incredibly sweet, which is perfect for her multiple personas. she’s a stunner, with both her appearance and personality; as much as she is indifferent and would prefer to fly under the radar, wherever she goes people always want to ask questions, making her into this intangible concept that everyone wants to define.

people will recognize parts of her as if they’ve seen here in another life, and because of her ostentatious, puzzling, and spellbinding personality, she’s unforgettable. on the other hand, she’s also something of a virago, due to the fact that she can be incredibly feisty when angered; but it takes quite a lot to actually set off her fuse, as she’s good at controlling which emotions she shares. for the most part, she is incredibly blasé and even-tempered. additionally, she’s is a bit of a picaro because her primary aim with her life at this point is to be independent and liberated from any and all attachments to other people. mostly, though, she’s is nothing more than a girl who’s afraid; of what, she still can’t decide.

all in all, she’s so much of everything that she isn’t quite certain of her own identity. her character is one shrouded in secrets and shadows yet alluring and sensual. but, lbr, most of all she’s just deadass terrifying. one of her defining characteristics is her desire to make things happen for her through her own abilities and determination. obstinate as all get out, she doesn’t like to own up to making mistakes so she tries to prove that she’s almost invincible to them bc she doesn’t wanna let anyone see her vulnerable, or she doesn’t want to let someone down - this refers only to those that she’s actually close to. due to her apathetic nature, all she really wants to do is let most people down – people she finds boring and useless – and have some fun because of it. however, when it comes to people she truly has allowed herself to care about, her deepest desire is for their happiness because they must be pretty damn special for making her give a shit.

still, because of her evasive tendencies, she almost always does ruin things for herself and for others, even when she actually cares. she’s like a double-edged sword; when she finds something worthwhile, she sees so much beauty and potential in it, but she’s got a midas touch. whenever she wants to obtain it or pursue it, her involvement makes everything fall to ashes, and she is afraid of her own influence. despite her tendency to run away, once she latches on and decides to be truly loyal, she’ll be devoted in such an extent that she would undoubtedly kill for them.

she can be a loudmouth whenever she actually decides to speak, constantly fabricating outlandish stories and even going off like a deranged person, but beneath her caustic and frightening exterior, isla is rather pensive. on the occasion that she chooses to offer legitimate advice, it’s usually very elaborate and composed. still, she doesn’t want people to know about capable she is, or how intelligent she can be, so she hides her rare brilliance with a tough exterior and stoic personality.

idk if you can tell but i like diving into the specifics of my character like their star signs and stuff so i searched an amy dunne mbti and tweaked it bc it really helped describe her even further! she’s a intj !

introverted intuition (ni): isla sees everything around her in a world of symbols, of metaphors, and of potential. her narration will continually be littered with predictions, with ideas about how things are going to be and what will result from this or that. despite her brashness that some may assume is impulsivity, she is a planner, anticipating new “problems” and seeking to rectify them with her own twisted brand of justice. she tries to work everything into her overall system of understanding, of her big ideas about how the world works, including her take on her various false identities she possesses for her previous job as an escort but also to mess with the minds of others around her. she’s always disappointed by how the real world is never as good as the way she imagined it; she is perfect and nothing else can catch up with her expectations.

extroverted feeling (fe): despite her aloofness, and rather lack of any sort of emotional bearing, empathy, or any sort of true feeling, isla is conscious of how others’ perceive her, of the image she’s created, and of how key that social perception is to her success, even if it’s just in her own imagination. she restrains her real opinions in order to adapt to her environment, as she’s somewhat of a chameleon, only a few have had a chance to catch the true witch beneath the crown. she’s the mistress of change, easily altering her identities in order to better fit in with new people, should the situation require it. she’s easily devastated when she reveals her real personality to others, as in the past, some that she’s left truly see her have refused to accept her twisted true-self. even though she is wholesomely selfish and self-seeking, isla is very people-focused, and applies most of her intellect and analysis onto general people-based functions, that may she can have the confidence that she has clearly manipulated and analyzed every aspect of her environment, as she needs this to feel in control.

introverted thinking (ti): as mentioned, isla is highly analytical, always trying to see the why of a scenario, what’s behind human behavior, which turns her attention to psychology and manifests in her flair for anticipating the thoughts and actions of those around her; she is so obsessed with understanding why people tick that she looks past her own slighted judgment, as she herself could easily qualify as a sociopath/psychopath. she’s always trying to fit in any new experience, or piece of information, into her pre-established system of facts, and as such is rarely ever surprised. despite her apathy and lack of care for her life or how it progresses, she’s highly organized and loves to make checklists, arrangements for the future, and methodically ticks of her obligations, one by one. while her emotions and feelings are significantly suppressed, and even nonexistent, she makes up for that human trait with a very powerful mind, one that is quick to learn and adept with languages, memorization, and logic. however, she doesn’t want anyone to know just how brilliant and quick she is, as it’s her greatest asset, thus explaining why she chose not to be a member on the intellectual team.

extroverted sensing (se): isla tends to respond her physical environment with fierce analysis, as expressed in her intellectual capabilities. she’s almost incapable of living in the moment, contrary to how people suspect she is, considering she portrays herself as impulsive and cunningly excitable. in reality, though, even when she’s crossed off everything on her checklist, she’s almost incapable of relaxing, or enjoying the world around her, as she doesn’t find things that other people find beautiful. she struggles the most with the physical side of her plans, even though she is a very physical individual. she is very open with her body and indulges with the lusts of the flesh, as she sensuality is at the same level as her wickedness. along with this, isla craves for the environment that houses her figure to be pleasant and organized, and can’t stand when things are out of order.

[valeriemperez]

cast irl relationships question below (and more added):

Hey! First off, I love your blog. It's the best. Second, I know this is kind of a controversial subject and can bring on a lot of hate so I get it if you don't want to answer, but I was curious what you think of Grant and his relationship with LA. I know opinion range from theyre cute to they're not right for eachother to it's all a sham for GG's image. Alot of fans don't like her. There is also speculation bc Candice doesn't follow LA. Do you think theres anything to that?

Thank you! 💖 

It is a controversial topic, for sure. My first thought is that it’s totally inappropriate for people to be dissing the relationship or Grant’s fiancée on either of their insta pages, etc. It is quite literally their business what they choose to post on their social media and it’s not harming anyone to promote their relationship.

That being said, I personally feel like there’s something off there. Not that I think it’s a fake relationship or anything extreme like that, but if they were my friends I would talk to one of them about maybe thinking things through. But since they’re not my friends and I don’t know the first thing about their lives that they haven’t presented to me, I’m not gonna do that. 🤭

As for Candice not following her? It took her a year to follow Violett, who was her personal friend, and she still doesn’t follow Malese. So while it’s clear that she and La aren’t friends by any stretch of the imagination, I also don’t think that’s proof of something deeper there. Perhaps Candice thinks there’s something off too, or perhaps she legitimately doesn’t think about her at all.

Seeing people making anti la comments underneath GG's posts makes me cringe and gives me 2nd hand embarrassment. They're only making themselves look like jerks.

Yeah, it’s not gonna change anyone’s mind and just makes you look bad.

idk about that relationship, but people complaining that GG promotes his relationship more than the show is weird 2me. It's not even true. I don't see anyone complain about CP not really promoting the show apart from certain eps. She'll promote her photoshoots and tweets about her own stuff, sometimes on the same day as an episode. That's her choice and it's ok, same with GG

Also agreed. Grant and Candice both promote when they feel the episode is worthwhile for them, and sometimes even then they forget. It doesn’t really matter what they’re posting instead, whether it be couple selfies or photoshoots, so long as it’s not hurting anyone.

I don’t mean to be annoying and you’re right that not following her doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but do you think it’s strange she still follows his ex Hannah along with Danielle’s husband? Also there was that video of her looking cold before smiling at Andrew at that charity event.

I think she genuinely liked Hannah as well as Danielle’s husband. She also doesn’t seem to unfollow people she knows unless a personal offence has occurred. Despite Grant’s dad being a raging Trump supporter who even Grant unfollowed for months, Candice still follows him. 

As for the charity event, I was there and don’t remember Candice looking cold. La did, but that’s another story. 🌚

IMHO, Something is definitely off with that RL. However, that’s not our business. As you said, we’re not their friends and therefore can’t counsel them. But someone close to the situation definitely should.

Yup. Either they tried and failed, or they don’t see anything wrong.

WHY are these Gr@nth0ma nonnies trolling in your Inbox? GG is a grown ass man that is going to do what he wants. We’re not the only ones that notice something is off with that RL. #C0n@n #FG However, until one or both of them acknowledge it. It is what it is. And stop dragging CP into that BS. She’s not following that chic because she’s not about that fake life. Now, I don’t know if their RL is fake, but that girl is. That’s why VB+KL don’t follow her+Tom F unfollowed her. The END!

How do you know they’re trolls, though? All they’re saying is they wish fans wouldn’t talk crap on Grant and La’s insta, which I totally agree with. 

As for the rest? Again, it doesn’t matter what people who aren’t involved think. They won’t change either party’s mind. I agree that she seems kinda fake to me, but Keiy does follow her. Doesn’t mean anything one way or another.

[roundthatcorner]

“I said what I said, and it was wrong, or it was taken wrong, and now it's all this...”

BASICALLY.

So the furor, such as it is, that has resulted from a fairly innocuous post of mine seems to have taken on a bit of a life of its own, so I feel somewhat responsible and need to address certain things. A lot of what's been said seems frankly disconnected from anything I actually wrote, so I'm going to cover some but not all of the misconceptions – particular themes have been chosen because honestly some of the ideas I've been credited with are quite hurtful, to me personally and I think to a few other people.  I'm not 'at'-ing people because I'm not sure it would be at all fruitful or worthwhile to do so, and I'm not going to rebut things line-by-line because that seems more counterproductive than anything. My goal here is to hopefully dampen 'the controversy' (again, such as it is!) rather than inflame it.

On the one hand, I stand by the bulk of what I said – there's been some serious misinterpretations going around, some of which are genuinely baffling – but I can also see that my tone and my contextualization could have been improved. I do 'read' a little bratty or something in that post, which is something I should try to improve upon in the future. As for this post, I'm trying to essentially be the opposite of how I sounded there – be, like, very straightfoward and emotionally open and hopefully not stick my foot in it, or whatever. I'm basically a pathologically shy and conflict averse person, and totally just hoped that this would blow over, so all of this is way beyond my comfort zone. I hope people will see that this post is very much heartfelt, and imbue their reading of it with some generosity towards me and my intentions.

Anyways, the bulk of it, in which I pick out those misinterpretations that I would find it particularly upsetting to let stand as somehow representative of how I think:

a) Re John and being a fan: I love John. I can seriously count on one hand the number of people I love and admire more than John, and the subset under consideration for that isn't, like, 'famous people I like' or 'musicians', it's 'everybody who has ever existed.' I quite simply adore John and if I didn't I wouldn't expend the effort I do into trying to understand him. The implication that I can't possibly be a Beatles 'fan' (said in quotes, no less! Super disheartening), let alone a longtime fan is quite bizarre and insulting. I mean, I think there's a base presumption of 'grace' we should try to extend to other fans: none of us think any of them were or are irredeemable; we are all here because we love them; we all want to see them clearly and fairly. I am (clearly!) not some troll shouting 'John sux!' or whatever. It's not a mark of love for me or anyone to refuse to see John as he was – and by this I don't mean that not seeing John exactly as I do is a failure of anyone else, or deliberate, or that my interpretation is accurate, or whatever, just that FOR ME to limit my interpretation in order to 'keep' John sufficiently lovable or whatever would be silly. John was/is plenty lovable! I don't need to 'protect' myself from whatever dark places may have existed in his mind because I am entirely capable (as I think we all are) of loving him through that (not in spite of that, but THROUGH it, with empathy for him). I don't have to love or accept everything about John to love him – I don't have to love Yoko, or heroin, or Allen Klein, or stupid anti-Semitic cracks, or whatever (which is not to compare those things straightforwardly – obviously – but to make the point that it's okay to dislike things John liked!). We don't owe it to him as fans to make excuses for him; what we owe him is the same as what we owe any human being, which is just to try to understand where he's coming from. That's all that I was trying to do in my post – just delineate the thought processes he may have been having. I don't think I need to surround every discussion about John with 5 dozen caveats about his mental health issues or drug use simply because I have assumed that we all know these things and accept them as the (only) basis for further conversation (and actually I did reference both of those as clear sources of his behavior – I don't know that I can much more explicitly reference his suffering mental health than to say he was experiencing a break with reality). Furthermore, the idea that John's behavior during the final years of the Beatles was at least in part based on virulent paranoia directed at Paul as well as a desire to punish him is not something I came up with – it's a somewhat standard interpretation at this point. Even Paul (who also manages to love John while acknowledging his faults!) has admitted that John became very paranoid, jealous, neurotic, etc. Michael Gerber from Hey Dullblog once commented something like, to paraphrase, the hardest thing to accept as Beatles fans is that John broke up the Beatles and he did it willfully and deliberately...I don't know that that's THE hardest, but it's certainly up there. It's incredibly emotionally draining to consider the dynamics at work during the break-up, but I also think it's worthwhile to do so as honestly as we can, because we love them all so much and because they have so much to teach us, even when it's through this painful, agonizing shit.  

b) Re things assumed about me or what-have-you: It strikes me as really quite unfair to assume that because I've never discussed certain things on this blog (or in that specific post), that I don't understand or have never experienced them and am coming at them from a position of somewhat cruel disengagement or w/e. The title of the blog isn't 'Bisexuality, Mental Illness, Drug Addiction & Me', so I really didn't consider it under the purview and have generally refrained from inserting too much of 'myself' (or at least myself non-filtered through Beatles). I don't talk about feminism, or cats, or Mad Men or make-up or agile software development or robotic vacuums because despite my interest in all of them, that's not the intention of my tumblr. Nevertheless, some grotesque oversharing in hopes of re-assembling/salvaging some of what's been misconstrued:

- I am bisexual...too...like many people are. This gets back to the whole 'text doesn't always telegraph meaning particularly well', but the paragraph for which I was criticized for sounding like a Nat Geo narrator or w/e...as I was writing it I was actually getting quite emotional thinking of...John, like, maybe discovering his sexuality at 16, because that was the exact age where I was literally writing in my diary in cryptic little coded comments about being attracted to girls, and then blacking the comments out and tearing them out of the journal and ripping them up because I was SO fucking ashamed and scared and alone with all of it. Basically, I am not at all looking at this from the perspective of an outsider, let alone a heteronormative outsider.

- To be accused or w/e of not understanding or being unsympathetic to mental illness is more than a little ironically funny to me, because literally the reason I started this blog, writing fics, etc is because after over a decade on anti-depressants, I went off them about six months ago (lest this too be misconstrued, I am not advocating this (or un-advocating it), it simply is). My brain has therefore been 'allowed' to loop incessantly/unconstrainedly on the Beatles for the first time since I was fifteen – so mental illness is quite literally why I'm here! Funny stuff. I don't want or need or feel obliged to go into much more detail about this, so let it suffice to say that I have deep understanding and sympathy for mentally ill people, for John in particular, and I fully appreciate the impact of mental illness on a person's behavior, and any flippancy is, ah, semi-literally gallows humor.

- If I sound hardened or unsympathetic with regard to drug addictions...it's partially because I am on some level. I invite anyone who takes issue with this to go re-live their childhood with the trauma of multi-generational drug and alcohol abuse that I lived with, because I will guess that anyone who is less than saintly, as we all are, will end up just as jaded about it as I am, just from the inescapable daily grind of taking care of addicts. Sorry to sound fairly bitchy about this point, but...idk, man, it's always really really difficult to have people be like, “have you considered their feelings? Have you devoted enough of your life to ritually gutting yourself on the pyre of this or that person's addiction?” Like, yes? Sorry, all the mornings where I had to make sure my dad hadn't choked to death on his vomit before I got on the school bus have kind of drained my sympathy. Nonetheless, some of my favorite people are junkies...

c) Re Linda and Paul: I would never disrespect their relationship, and this is far and away the most upsetting thing to have people skew, because I admire what they were able to create and sustain SO much – it means so much to me in terms of what is possible even from the blackest fucking depths. Linda could have been another Francie, or Heather Mills, or Yoko, and GOSH, how much fucking poorer the world would have been, how much darker. Linda and his kids gave Paul something to live for, a whole second life after the center fell out of his first. They were actually able to make a happy life that was snatched from total chaos and despair – that's so incredible and awe-worthy to me. When I said that Paul chose Linda over dying, I was not putting down their relationship, or devaluing it or her (I think she is maybe the most admirable person in all of Beatle-dom), or anything even remotely like that. For me, there is no deeper compliment to give someone than to say that they chose to keep going when they could've died. I mean, compliment is not even the word for it, I honestly don't think I have the capacity to express this..but, like, this is soul-deep for me, the deepest, sincerest possible feeling. I derive enormous comfort and strength on literally a daily basis from the choice Paul made in the winter of 1970. Believe me when I say I would never denigrate Paul's experience or Linda's role in it or the love and commitment they showed each other.

d) Re interpretation versus facts:  There's some criticism based on me presenting my ideas as facts. I don't think I did this – I couched the thing repeatedly with 'conjecture' (in all caps!), 'my interpretation', 'I think', 'maybe' and 'may', 'a range of possibilities', 'possibly', 'presumably', 'might', etc. I was not presenting what I said as verifiable fact but as my evolving understanding of what may have happened. Besides...all of us are here because we think there was or could have been a romantic/sexual component to John & Paul's relationship. This is not something that is at all verifiable (and it even very often requires that we assume people are lying!). Practically everything we say is conjecture based on our very unorthodox interpretation of sometimes conflicting/contradictory/bewildering information, and I am no more (or less) guilty of presenting my ideas as fact than, I think, anyone here.

e) Re Yoko: I get the sense that this was the main initial point of disagreement in all of this, and the rest of it was kind of...throwing stuff and seeing what stuck (unfortunately some of it seems to have). This is actually the only intractable issue – it's not one based on misunderstanding or a failure on my part to be clear enough. I dislike Yoko exactly as much (or more!) as I conveyed in the original post, and I have good reason for it. Pretty much every day of my life I learn something about her or about the world, relationships, responsibility, children, how a person should treat others, etc, that makes her behavior that much more noxious, inexcusable, and reproachable. Once upon a time I was thirteen and believed wholeheartedly in the Ballad of John & Yoko narrative – but as an adult, I simply can't countenance it. If we were not talking about 'John and Yoko' but rather about 'Joe and Sally Schmoe', or my brother and his girlfriend, or the next case on the docket in the local family court, there would be no question that this was a profoundly unhealthy and damaging relationship. Like...are most love affairs as enormously, relentlessly destructive as theirs was? Is there anyone from John's pre-1968 life that was allowed to really remain a part of his life post-Yoko? What kind of healthy romantic relationship cuts a person off from everything else? Is 'all that I know is just what you tell me' anything other than a deeply disturbing sentiment? Some of this can be laid at John's feet but on the other hand his 25 year old secretary (as well as every other significant person in his life except for his parents and probably Mimi) was able to coax him into being a BETTER person, whereas he only seemed to become an unhealthier and more damaged person the longer he spent with Yoko (and the feminism thing...like, the most feminist thing he could have done would be sending Cynthia an additional $10,000 a month – 'look at the one you're with' or were with, after all). I can't say that Yoko didn't love John but I will say that she didn't love him well – based on the standards for human relationships and interaction that we are willing to apply to normal people. To quote John Dunbar (who is definitely a longtime John fan!), “If I had set out to destroy John Lennon, I could not have done any better than to introduce him to Yoko Ono.”

If anyone wants to talk any more about this, please message or ask me (I will likely not respond to asks in the interest of not encouraging divisiveness or whatever, but I do appreciate what I’ve been sent). I can't control what anyone posts, obviously, and there are maybe still sensitive and insightful things to be said about some of it, so go ahead if you feel the need. For my part I probably won't engage any further publicly, especially since it's been unhelpfully dug into the ground (over...and over...and over) and there's a certain amount of like...willful misconstruing that's going on that’s just not worth getting into.

And just because it came on shuffle, and because sometimes Paul is exactly what one needs him to be, I'll end by saying:

“Is it better to love than to give in to hate?

Yeah, we'd better take good care of each other,

 Avoid slipping back, off the straight and narrow”

:)

[girlwithsword]

so i haven’t journaled in 2 weeks because i am a #mess and a lot of stuff has happened so i think broad summaries are more in order

basic themes: the summer, school, the next week, the house, ken, friends, family, my health

the summer: we had the group sicha for mosh madatz applicants and i had my interview with ari for the gilboa position, galil applications just came out

i don’t think i’m going to get mosh or gilboa - not ‘cause i’m not qualified, i am, but there just seems to be a lot of people more suited for that tafkid at those machanot than myself

galil is still open and idk as much what the landscape is like so it’s still a possibility, but idk what i’m going to to if i don’t get madatz madricha. i have been actively trying to separate what i want from the summer from the tafkid and i can’t do it. 

Hannah and Sarah have made a proposal for a kvutzah messima based on leading nachshonimot and I’m down with that, but Hannah think that i could just go to Galil and be with their bogrimot and do that and maybe i could but a) that still wouldn;t give me the tzevet experience i’m looking for b) i wouldnt have the time or freedom to build a tochnit and c) i do NOT want to be the person coming in to the summer, especially as an outsider, demanding to be with certain kids! That person sucks!

I’ve talked to Hannah and to Bekah about it and im trying to talk to the mads but if i don’t get madatz madricha it’s really hard to justify going to a new machaneh to be on tzevet ragil to myself and my mother, not when there is SO MUCH theatre over the summer

anyway we just had a kvutzah call about it - Hannah, Jess and Toviah are applying for MBI! Sara and Ari are thinking about gesher! but sara still only wants to come for one session? arron fine is applying for madatz at miriam and maybe gilboa but idk?

i do have an idea, that maybe if i don’t get madatz, i stay in the city, work in theatre over the summer and spend my free time facilitating the kvutzah. like everyone gets so busy and hyper focused over kayitz and i could be an eye in the sky, keeping everyone updated, helping people with resource gathering and editing peulot - i could still be involved while not missing a summer of opportunities

school: so things are a lot more overwhelming than i want them to be

‘cause i had a bad week at the end of january i feel behind and i still haven;t totally caught up and it’s coming to mid-semester and that’s gonna catch up with me

monologue study is a lot more work than i expected - just doing all the xfript work is taking much longer than i planned for - i /just/ finished making the Lists yesterday and I’ve been working on that for WEEKS. Luckily, we don’t actually have class this week so all that stuff is due after the break - unluckily, i can’t really do work over the break and that shit needs to get done - more on that later

however, my actual piece is looking really good and some of the warm ups and breathing exercises have helped so much! two classes ago we did these breath exercises and then went around and each said a central line from our pieces and i have never been so in the moment and real and in my breath than right then and now i have had a taste and want that always

we’ll be starting shakespeare after the break and i want to try something new, I love my Beatrice, but there is something to be said for repertoire building. Rosanna suggested looking into Rosalind  pieces from As You Like It and that’s promising. I might... try a Juliet? Like, idk if that’s worthwhile im just... not a Juiet, im never gonna be the ingenue, why try? but having something sweeter is definitely a goal, idk i looked at Rosalind pieces and i think there is something that catches my eye

scene study has a similar issue in that the written work is a lot more overwhelming and time consuming than i planned and that /is/ due next week so. however, rehearsals have been going AMAZING, we’re like 98% off book and have to focus on picking up the pace, sticking to tactics and not playing attitudes and getting the blocking a little more fine tuned. 

we had dress rehearsals tuesday and it was a WRECK. /no one/ was off book, a couple scenes were just /stopped/ midway through and everyone was off. then we went up, the only group who didn;t even once call for a line and who was actually on top of our shit. i admit, it felt kinda good to be the best. though, the bar was kinda low. 

I’m being mean, a lot of people had good moments and most of the scenes that derailed derailed ‘cause ONE particular person clearly didn;t have their shit together and it threw everyone off. 

Brandon and i rehearsed today and got pacing a little more down and he’s gonna come over sunday and do a final rehearsal before tuesday’s presentation!!

my elective has been a lot less interesting than i was hoping for, the classes are kinda boring but at least it’s pretty easy. HOWEVER, we did a field trip to city hall yesterday and THAT was fascinating! we got to sit in on the city council sessions as they were deciding the budget and it was! so! cool! that’s the room where it fucking happens. and like, we should all be more on top of local politics ‘cause that’s where the day to day shit gets figured out. i did a whole snapchat rant about it it’s good

fevergraph isn’t technically school but it’s been going really well - i got to get some emotional stuff out through the journeys and i’ve gotten my heart rate up a few times, last class is next week and i think i’m gonna look into maybe some voice lessons for the next half of the semester?

anyway: sunday i need to get all my fucking scene work done, monday i should record all my notes for my TOR midterm ‘cause tuesday im running around a lot and i need to study for that. monologue stuff will have to wait - that’ll be wednesday/thursday, cause thursday afternoon... i’m getting on a plane to israel

so, that’s happening. i kinda was just.., thinking about it.. and then jazz said that if i went she would go with me.. and then my parents said they’d give me 300 for the trip as a bday present.. and then i booked tickets. we’re still figuring out exact details in terms of where we’re staying when but i’ve e-mailed mona and paul and talia and the mads about it and we’re figuring it out

so, yeah... that’s happening. we’re gonna chill and see people and go read on the beach and i’m going to where nothing but dressed the whole time and i’m so fucking excited.

in the meantime, this week i have to get all this fucking work done, my birthday is this weekend!! (there’s gonna be cupcakes and whiskey and an entire afternoon of theatre!!!!) and we need to shove in ten thousand roommate interviews in there sometime

‘cause YEAH, updates on Murnau House: we still haven;t found a new person for the Room That Cannot Be Filled which is Annoying and the previous occupant has not been as ontop of finding a replacement as he said he would so Sam is leading the search, bless her

aaaand our fridge broke last week, again, and we lost a BUNCH of food, but due to my skills of being a polite and efficient BITCH thanks to my mum, we got a new one pretty quickly and that’s going fine.

the ken: we had a tubshvat carnival two weeks ago, some bogrimot came and volunteered, it went fine, but i wasnt as invested as i should’ve been - however, i did see Iris there!! whcih was nice, she’s gonna be chinuch at shomiria this summer and she did the habo/hashi birthright! very cool

then, sem. so, we had a tzevet of 7 for 40 kids, two of whom lefton the saturday night. aaron and yehuda of all people were on mitbach and the post mbiers were a big help. the schedule pretty much went out the window becuase we didn’t even get in till after midnight in friday due to the storm.

i did however get an entire busload of kids off the bus, to a rest stop and back on to the bus in FIFTEEN MINUTES ‘cause i’m amazing, we went to camp and the kids had fun even tho it was very Emotional for me, and we re focused on The Krinkle Project for messima, and even tho we didn;t do the vaad stuff i hoped for, i think we can move forward if i get my shit together enough. we also did kvutzah peulot that, even if they didn’t go /so/ great, i think brought important ideas and next steps into a lot of the kids minds about how to be stronger as a kvtzot

there was gonna be a katkateam this weekend but ido and i are both on vaccations so that’s been cancelled. there;s a purim party on the 5th that might launch our participation in Krinkle if we get that together. Mifgash with Tavor in March, spring sem in May, maybe one final event for messima and then... we’re done. at least. I am. I’m done. And I should be expecting a cheque from Shaul any day now.

friends: sima is interning on a CTV show and getting updates on the PM’s schedule in her work e-mail, and graduating soon

julia is kind’ve her usual mess but also starting to turn a profit in selling her embroideries on etsy, but idk if she has like a plan of any kind? and that worries me to a degree

mikki’s cosplay stuff is BOOMING and she’s back with Lou but... she’s still being kinda self destructive and i’m worried about her??

josh just finished a show and i haven;t talked to him in a while.... 

anna grace and natty are putting on a show that natty wrote!

i don’t ... have that many friends??

family: same pretty much. Alex is migrating in a month, they’re moving a little closer to me than i like but what can you do.

Batsheva was here, we had one of our Talks, i need to find a more permanent therapist to go deeper with once school is done. i should probably join a group... but that im where im at for as young as i am considering everything... im honestly on a pretty good track

my health: so, i doubt anyone is reading at this point so... the weekend after my fatigue flare up at the start of the month i had a suicidal episode. and i’ve only told my therapist

it was my first one in about a year, my worst one in two and over the dumbest thing since highschool .... just being overwhelmed by school work

like, two mays ago i had a really bad one ‘cause i couldn’t get myself to finish my Buddies piece, a year ago i had a much smaller one ‘cause of a HUGE fight with my dad and this was just... being overwhelmed.

and that’s what;s frustrating!! i guess it was frustration at my body and i hadnt eaten that well and i was a day away fro  my period and all that added up to curled into a ball trying desperately not to reach for a handful of my ciprilex and melatonin for most of that saturday??? which just like wtf

OTHER THAN THAT, my physical strength has actually been on an upswing since the start of the month and im feeling a lot more active. i have a cold this week but that’s just it being february and my immune system being shitty. thank god for cold 911

okay, it’s far too late. i gotta shower and sleep and this took about 10x longer than i planned for

it’s gonna be a hell of a week, and i have no idea when i can do this again, but wish me luck!