#im so pissed... i think its just all the things i dont like about the game kinda piling on idk
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happy halloween! 🎃🐈⬛👻🐇
#i just wanted to draw emu as a jiangshi .#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#emu otori#proseka#tsukasa tenma#nene kusanagi#rui kamishiro#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#polysho#enjoy halloween everynyan unfortunately i have to go work a shift. i thought abt dressing up for fun when i get back#but 1 im lazy 2 i dont live alone and its my luck that somebody ends up knocking when im in the middle of being dressed like a clown#so i would rather not risk it. idk how people get into cosplay just for photoshoots/videos i dont have that conviction .#but halloween con was lots of fun and i got to see friends and trade candy so i enjoyed my celebration already. ^_^#also STOP BEATING THE SHITNOUT OF ME IDEK IF I CAN BOOO BACK FROM A SIDE BLOG. YOURE KILLUNG ME#once again some random guy will be hittimg you back. boo#to end my tags i am going to be pissed off because i cannot draw well rn and its KILLING MEEEEEE#im art blocked as hell and mad about it. my zines....#its so annoying like with my personal art its whatever but people spend Money on zines i need to get good.#its been like over a week so i thought inwould be free. sigh#i often draw emu fiending off of tsukasa. the way things should be. amen#also inthink rui would love to go all out for costumes but he got busy modding a tshirt launcher to shoot candy and forgot abt his costume#so hes a tuxedo cat. he thinks hes so funny
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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.." MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi the suckening#arthur bennett#HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT#this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT#ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH#WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME#DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER#HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW#AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE#I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game#but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping#DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds#I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors#what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE#while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs#THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN#WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS#the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band#EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION
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being ace means i don't get giggly or horny about omegaverse aka abo but instead become painfully obsessed with details in anatomy and world building
#for one the whole abo dynamic thing in wolves is false#for another the animal kingdom is SO wild#like. female hyenas have pseudopenises and dominate males#seahorses and male birth#eating your children to avoid them being eaten by predators#males killing children to free females to mate#community child rearing!#females doing the hunting!#CLOWNFISH#omegaverse#abo#imagine if your secondary gender is determined by the social dynamics of where you grew into it#mostly female/child bearing? guess you get a penis now#do you think all alphas have piss kinks cuz of territory marking shit#anglerfish...octopodes that hand off their sperm sacks to females...#i know a strange amount of stuff about animal sexuality i just realized this#did you know some species dont have periods? they just reabsorb the uterine lining which is fucking amazing and im very mad humans dont#do that too#on the other hand. ive seen abo aus where male omegas give birth by LOSING ALL THEIR TEETH and VOMITING AN EGG#my main complaint is that abo doesnt get weird enough (plz not losing teeth and egg vomiting weird tho)#also can we PLEASE think a little more on the 'birthing from the ass' thing? please?#listen you have a right to mpreg (and trans men exist) but like. PLEASE. that baby should NOT be born thru the poop chute#ik some animals feed their babies poop (and human anatomy is like half an inch away from the birth canal being the poo canal) but COME ON#also why are all the scents like. very specific objects/concepts#flowers and idk blood?#frankly i think they would just be. animal smells but with enhanced human noses they'd be easily distinguishable#my headcanon is that they act like peacock tails do. meant to show off how cool you are#the biting thing happens in sharks (tho i think its cuz theyre kinda silly like that) but it just reminds me of people tattooing bite marks#and not cleaning the wound or yknow actually biting their partner in the tattoo parlor?#i get it. i'd love to be consumed by the void and a non recommendable amount of teeth. but can you be more sensible about it
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ive been unhealthily fixated on kubosai for the past few weeks, i just have no idea how to put it into words. kuboyasu aren and saiki kusuo are in love btw
#they are.#been thinking a lot about t*rusai and k*bosai and all three of them together#(really long rant in these tags that shouldve been a rant post but im not changing it soz i got carried away LMAO->)#see the thing is that k*bosai is my absolute favorite ship ever. but i get genuinely pissed when people smack talk t*rusai#idk like i get why people wouldnt ship kbs and i really dont care. and i also get that a lot of people have differing opinions and-#wont ship trsai. i honestly cant wrap my head around why (other than people who just hate teruhashi and are misogynistic) but im okay with-#agreeing to disagree and i dont care yk??#but people so often make these long discussion posts just yapping and yapping and making up shit about how trsa 'wouldnt work'#and its always just... actual complete bullshit. like unreadable word vomit.#sorry. but its true.#thats why it gets me so mad#i cant think of a single reason why you would feel the need to do that#why cant you be normal and just. not like a ship. just dont like it. hate it even. but dont make up shit just to shit on it#its so dumb i have to force myself to just scroll past them every time i encounter one#usually on tiktok or tumblr#if i read them i wont be able to stop myself from making the most concerned and upset noises ever cuz what is actually wrong with you#theyre always the biggest dumbest stretches ever and they ignore their actual development and pretend it didnt happen#it just makes me wonder why people are so okay with making fun of that ship but get mad if anyone even dislikes theirs#and then they complain about people 'shitting on their opinion'#LIKE ?? NOBODY CARES THAT U HATE THE SHIP. I CERTAINLY DONT GAF.#but ur in the main tags advertising ur hatred for it and sounding stupid as shit for no reason? UR SHITTING ON PEOPLES SHIP ON PURPOSE#AND THEN GETTING MAD AT ANYONE WHO EVEN SAYS 'i disagree actually' IM LAUGHING SO HARD STOP IM KILLING MYSELF#the one time i ever talked in that much detail about why i disliked a ship was bevause somebody specifically asked me#and yk what ?? i have literally gotten death threats over it. im not allowed to hate that ship but everyone else can do whatever i guess#okay sorry. rant over.#is that controversial i cant tell. i dont really care and im not tagging anyway#meows post
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Day 127 | id in alt
They hangin out on a building fr.
#dailykugisaki#jjk#kugisaki nobara#itadori yuji#fushiguro megumi#tokyo trio#PEEP THE NAILS YALL#i had to draw Kugisaki with a watermelon sometime it's a thing of its plus i just wanted to state the obvious of where i stand again#i got into an argument with the politician major again yall#i dont wanna say anything out of context but they just said something extremely tasteless and it pissed me off a bit#thinking about the fact i watched a fucked up rose bush strangle another plant and thinking about Kugisaki like a freak#all plants can be a little weird#i enjoy drawing Kugisaki with scars. she deserves them#a friend drew Kugisaki earlier and i had never felt so much joy before.#everyday i am taken aback because i think of Kugisaki in lost beloved one movie scenes its dumb as shit#I DO NOT WANT KUGISAKI TO JUST SHOW UP OUT THE DAMN BLUE I WANT HER TO DO SOMETHING INSANE AND THEN SHOW UP#i cant elaborate because idk soul cannibalism for some reason idk ifk#Kugisaki's fit is like just a different colored fit of what i saw megan thee stallion wearing#famous people can rock shit if you find the right ones#im trying to do backgrounds more and i do refrence but what i do is called “getting references and then fucking it up”#i dont get down yall i fuck up#Nanami cameo because i just wanted to draw him looking technologically incompetent when it comes to face timing#ive just been tweaking as of late#ive been reading too much where people think Kugisaki barely knows anything due to her origin#YALL THINK SHE WOULDN'T DO A BUNCH OF SHIT OR LEARN SHIT JUST FOR FUMI??? WILDING OUT HERE#just realized why i can't do backgrounds in a certain way. its bc i dont do lineart.....
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if i hear one more pro-ai take i fear i may start exploding people with my brain
#for legal reasons im not gonna explode anyone#but i am gonna be extremely pissed off#i think the thing that pisses me off the most about pro ai people is this sense of entitlement i see from a lot of people#like “oh well this person posted their art/writing/creativity online#so therefore the ai (and by extension me) is entitled to be able to use it”#like its not the same at all as looking at another creators work and getting inspired#or when youre learning how to shape your style#its just taking other people’s work and passing it off as your own#like i get it sometimes youre not as good as you want to be or the motivation isnt there and you just want your ideas out there NOW#but you know what you do then?#you. fucking. practice.#if you don’t care enough to put in the effort to actually make your ideas rather than stealing for other creatives?#then i dont care at all about what you “create”#(obviously im not shaming people for being unable to put in effort due to any multitude of reasons—such as disability lack of time etc)#but even then that doesnt mean you have to resort to stealing from other people#because thats what ai is. theft. simple as that.#generative ai just makes me so fucking angry#fuck ai#anti ai#anti ai art#stop ai#fuck ai art#down with ai#fuck ai everything#fuck ai writing#fuck ai all my homies hate ai
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having to explain to people things like. if i have to go out to do something and run errands i need to have it all mapped out and planned w like. at least a week in advance. and if i go out that day i cannot do anything else because That will be it. if i have multiple commitments that cannot be put on the same day i need one full day in between those commitments so i can rest and be recharged for that next thing otherwise i might have a breakdown in the middle of the street (again) and then That will render me unable to function for like a whole three days. and then people look at me like i choose to live like this?
#txt#audhd tag#just venting a little#its crazy because ppl around me are like I understand your limitations However why dont you-#So you dont understand my limitations?#like okay yeah i understand that it must be Weird for people that are not Inside my brain and hard to understand that i PHYSICALLY CANNOT>#do things that they dont even think about. alright! but to sit and tell me Yeah we get it! but then try to either fix it or >#> come up w a New Incredible Way To Fix Me as if half of what i talk abt w my therapist isnt Exactly This#like yeah i dont fucking like it either. i wish i could do shit like other ppl do. i wish i could remember things.#i wish i didnt feel exhausted all the time i wish simply leaving my bed wasnt the most difficult task every single morning#but it pisses me OFF when people try to talk me through these Limitations i have that They Understand<3 like. can you be accommodating or no#one of my closest friends and oldest friends since i was like 5 had her bday on friday and she ljterally messaged me like#Hi we r having something w my family but theyre rly loud and extremist on the right wing side and i barely wanna be here u dont have 2 come>#> but i wanted to invite u anyway so u dont think ur being left out! and i was like Yayy nice thank u bc lbr i probably wouldnt go anyway.#and she KNOWS that. and she literally was talking to me like she alwahs does and That felt accommodating and understanding and i felt loved#cut to my mom last night trying to make me feel guilty for not going because Shes my friend and i should have gone anyway.#i told her off and she backtracked but thats still innmy head like. that shit is so irritating#okay sorry vent over im just aboht to get my period so this is making me sick#want to yell into the void and forget about it. Hits post
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Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean
I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch
#goodbye volcano high#i dont have the money to buy it but god i need to watch a playthrough when i have time it's so interesting to me#like; the theme of 'yeah we're going die but that doesn't mean we can enjoy what time we have left' sounds amazing to me love that#its so funny i was actually watching a review of it that was basically 'this game sucks and here's why'#and then it just started listing off shit like- 'the characters designs are pastel they're nonbinary you die no matter what'#and then my neurons just went off and went '👁️👁️ oh! sounds amazing i want to see more'#fuck yeah pastel nonbinary dinosaurs lets go#well i think its just fang thats nonbinary and then two other trans characters#i saw a cutscene! and it was about the experiences of being an apart of a family as sec-gen immigrant and trans-#and i thought that was cool as hell dont recall ever seeing that in any of thr arts ive seen before (but there's lots of art out there!)#heard it got some glitches tho (havent looked in depth of what those glitches are) hopefully it got patched out#also im so fucking pissed i saw the gator game before i saw this 😮💨 (context; apparently made by people who made a fangame where they#the mc of this game a datable side character and they only have a happy ending if they detransition? which fucking yikes😬)#i saw people say 'oh but they did it empathetically' like how the fuck is taking a canon nb character and making them only happy through#detransitioning empathetic that sounds super fucking shitty and gross#i think a character that detransitions can be done and would be interesting to see- but this just reeks of people being transphobic for real#oh also purple dino has a slug or worm or something apparently! seems cute! just a lil thing#apparently its a rhythm game; listened to some of the songs and it sounded good! sadly i suck at rhythm games#but apparently failing doesn't affect the story? kinda wish it would but honestly better for me lol-#pink one and fang end up dating i believe- from what i saw pink is like- soft spoken artist? dunno if accurate but she's cute#all the characters are cute just look at them!!! awesome#also they have to just continue school like normal before they die and honestly thats so real#also saw people dislike the fact you dont see the characters actual die or the meteor#which is ??? dunno i just think some things are better left implied than shown-#anyways man i keep trying to find neat stuff about the game and all i see is people bitchin about it or praising the shit fan on instead 😔#man if i had two nickles for a time i grew to become obsessed with a media only for loads of people to hate id have two nickles#first nickle is kat elliot she's such a cool character Internet wasn't ready for her#also yes i saw obsessed i can just tell this is something ill go bonkers for#i mean god look how much text is in my tags for this already! and i still need to see the game in it's fullness!#im sure there's other cool shit
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crying thinking about the ericson kids being like.. overly protective of clem post-amputation not because they think any less of her but because they just want to protect her the same way she protected them 😭
#im writing a short comic and its making me emotional#clem getting frustrated because she misses her independence and is desperately trying to get it back#the kids knowing shes capable but also they almost lost her once and they wont let it happen again#the kids would Never think less of her for her injury they know how terrifyingly capable she is..they just love her so much#WAAAAHHH#this is only for like the first few months At Most as she heals then all the baby-ing stops as things go back to normal#but the first weeks of her recovery are definitely filled with lots of 'oh dont worry clem i got that for you!' and its Pissing her Off#like she gets it and she loves them but also its driving her up the wall#it speaks#twdg#god i wish my friends were as brain fried about twdg as i am
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hey you just spent 60 to 70 hours getting to know these characters and possibly romancing them? well lets throw in a suicide mission for them where at LEAST one of them dies! teehee this is goooood gaming folks love a shock value death
#im so pissed... i think its just all the things i dont like about the game kinda piling on idk#im just. ive been waiting for 10 years. mass effect andromeda may have been a disaster but at least i loved it! at least it smashed my heart#into little bitty pieces and made me feel like id been wrung out like a fucking shamwow. love that team but this?#the characters are good and theyre funny and i love that there is an AMPUTEE! THAT IS SO COOL! and an nb character! and certain parts are#really good and make me tear up like all of davrins quests and the end of emmrichs and bellaras#and taash oh my GOD hearing them scream tama broke my heart a little#and assan and the other griffins!!! they make me so happy!!!#but idk there's just something missing this doesnt feel like a dragon age game to me#and by that i mean it doesnt make me feel like someone is inside my chest just kicking things#like. i dont love it. and i feel so guilty just saying that oh my god but. i really feel like crying right now#o think its the Autism. ukno when u get too excited or upset and u just have to cry#HMPH. im gonna eat cold fries and read wuthering heights. cant wait for da4 cause this one was a joke game right#wytxt#veilguard spoilers
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sometimes i feel a little weird doing fandom-y things for rhps (because ive never been in a fandom this small before also because it just feels a little weird sometimes) and ill doubt myself and think "does everything NEED a fandom?? scoffs" even though. im hyperfixated super crazy style.
but then i remember that i have no mouth and i must scream has a fandom and i realize that life (fandoms) finds a way and if there is at least one person who likes something, there's probably going to be fanfic about it and some kind of ship WILL be involved
#tag: talkity talk#like yes obviously not everything NEEDS shipping. but everything will have it anyways thats just how life works#its like the SFW version of rule 34#if it exists and has more than two characters/people involved there will be shipping#so remembering that i feel less bad about my immense enjoyment of frank/brad#yes frank/brad/janet is great and all BUT. i dont think janet and brad should be in a relationship all things considered#partially because im in the “brad is gay” camp partially because i think brad's a dick (still love him though)#also janet deserves to kiss girls.#i'll never feel bad for being a columbia/magenta lover though you could never shame me for that#janet/columbia/magenta is based and you cant convince me otherwise#i dont SHIP frank/brad/rocky but i think its funny#personally i think any poly ship with frank is funny because its just like. non ethical nonmonogamy.#like congratulations thats the worst anyones ever done it#thats my feelings on frank/brad/janet. because literally theyre such disasters#and on the frank/brad/rocky thing. im firmly of the opinion that rocky and brad shouldve fucked. but thats because i like gay sex#i also think janet shouldve had yuri with columbia and magenta#just generally i think we shouldve gotten more gay sex#im always an advocate for gay sex#come to think of it. while i was writing this i came up with an excellent crack ship#okay here me out on this one. rocky/eddie#i just think its funny honestly#thats the sole reason. i like it because i like thinking about how much it would piss off frank#and i am a certified eddie liker and i think he deserved better#man this is a long tag rant#as always feel free to disagree with me. i do not mind at all
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any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that
if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it
#snap chats#no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game#oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k#OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think#my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious#rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final#HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE#i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that#i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki#someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it#like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but#i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital#the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe#cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3#its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think#it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little#and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly#idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me#THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED#i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell#is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form#i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments#BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow#im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
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Reading up on the people on my election ballot and there's some combination of "can ANYONE tell me what their policies actually are???" (Specifically with the smaller offices) VS "Oh, so YOU'RE the reason why Indiana has an abortion ban! Duly noted!"
#speculation nation#there are 4 indiana justices with retention up for a vote (on my ballot at least) and 3 of them signed the abortion ban shit.#so guess who im going to vote against retention for :]#i know theyre not policy makers in the same way that the governer or whatever is#technically theyre just there to make judgement calls about what the law actually Is.#but. But. that doesnt change the fact that theyre the ones that signed the abortion ban into place.#So What if they didnt make the policy themselves? they still chose to steamroll opposition and put into place a ban from the early 1800s#indiana is among the 16 worst states for abortion now. thanks to these assholes.#And So. well apparently indiana's never successfully voted against retention for any of its justices#but Why Not Start Now? im fuckin pissed. a lot of people are fuckin pissed. and these 3 justices have got to go.#we dont get to vote for who takes their places but at least they MIGHT be justices that are willing to hear us out.#and regardless. i want to get back at them for it. :] so even if they Technically did their jobs. i want them Out.#anyways i went looking at the representatives and senate seats and the democratic nominees seem fine.#some of the smaller offices dont have democrats running. just republican or libertarian.#dear god help me im gonna be voting for a republican this election. just one.#specifically bc it's an office that doesnt have anything to do with politics. and the guy running against her seems uhhhh#like he really doesnt care for the position?? he just wanted to put libertarians in more view.#so im like. ok for this one we really should have the person who's already got experience with the job and actually Cares about it.#for some of the other ones... god i dont know. these were the ones who were awful about listing their policies.#might just not touch the county school shit at all. theres Nothing on these people online and i have no direct stake in this#man. many things to think about. i still got some time b4 im voting but i wanna be prepared.
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Vent
Tw: sh, suivide
#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....#i.wish i could jjst shut my mouth like thsy qant me to.....#it smells like human shit n piss in my room cus im too scared to ask my dad to change it :')✨️💕✌️#i wanna cut so that i get release and attention but last time my dad didnt even notice and my sister didnt take it seriously :(#i feel like cuttong is the only way to let out my Ick and show how not good im doing#mental illnesses are invisible and so fucking crippling......#my family thinks im lazy i just know they do#im such a fuvking failure at 25 i should be taking care of my dad like he did to his..#also my dad always says hes in catholic hell sooooo guess im not real then :')#he spefically says he died as a kid and this is his hell.....🥹✌️💔#i just....hate my life and already dont feel real#he basically vents and says whatever without thinking about the impact on ME the adult child with autism.#i think about my words affect on everybody all the time and it seems like barely anyone thinks the same#....maybe i can s-xually -buse myself instead of cutting#but cumming always brings a biiiiig wave of crying#i shpuldnt cut for the attebtion but FUCK i wanna get a hug or see someone have a soft voice n soft eyes for me#....all i do is annoy my dad#i should just kill myself so i dont annoy him anymore#but im too scared of failing#also im scared of Hell#i need a hug that doesnt start with me asking for a hug......#if i didnt do anything affectionate for a whole day i would go without it#i would trade every present in the world if my family could at least just UNDERSTAND my emotional brain#instead i get “i just dont understand” over n over n over n over again.....#im not trying to be an attention seeker when i say this: logically the only answer i can come up with is to k-ll myself.#its like 2 + 2 = su!cide#my family says that theyd kill themselves if i did....i dont believe that#theyre less broken than me so they would heal and move on.#for clarification#the most violent thing km gonna do is c-t myself im NOT attempting tonight
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