#And getting stuck in a loop of self destruction and self loathing only to have everything crumble more than it already has

[erebusbored]

Guys I want her so bad it's not funny

[sadsock]

thoughts on the bear after season 3 has marinated a bit

now that it’s been a week, there is no doubt in my mind that clairecarmy are not endgame. sydcarmy may not be either (at least in season 4) but it’s not gonna be claire. I think the babysitter comment was intentionally placed to contrast with what the faks say to claire about taking care of carmy. the writers know what not to do and they won’t do it. I trust them to understand that a romance can’t be the answer to carmy’s trauma and pain. it’s love and connection, yes. but his relationship with claire simply did not offer that in a substantial way and they know it. her purpose was to highlight his issues and just what he needs to work on when it comes to relationships and personal growth.

him getting stuck on thoughts about her is bc he’s so painfully aware of this. he knows he messed up badly and knows he keeps messing up all his relationships this season, and he can’t forgive himself for it. so instead he replays every moment with her almost as form of self-punishment (note how anxious it makes him). it reaffirmed everything he feared about himself not being built for normal relationships like normal people, and he spiraled. he is stuck in a self-loathing loop and only knows to drown it out by obsessing over work and being a perfectionist (hence perpetuating the abuse inflicted on him by donna and EMP chef).

not to mention all the promo for the show, claire is barely shown in clips or even the actress molly. and we rarely see her character interact with the other main characters on the show either. this is simply not how you treat the endgame people.

I think carmy’s next arc will be about him forgiving himself, cleanly breaking things off with claire, talking to his mom, and mending his relationships with a focus on richie and sydney. I imagine he will have important scenes with nat and the baby too to represent a new chapter for the berzattos. it will be about him reconnecting with himself and the people he loves, giving himself a chance to experience a softer and kinder mindset. since sydney represents focus on the present and hope for the future (the best meal and all the talk about legacy and family trees), I expect the season will end by showing where they are in their relationship, both professionally and personally.

this is why I wish for a season 5 or second part of season 3 before season 4. so we can have enough time to watch carmy settling into a healing mindset and a renewed outlook on his life and passions (cooking and art perhaps?), as well as meaningful character arcs for sydney and the main crew. all in all, I think this season was important to show carmy just how bleak the world is when he chooses to be so destructive and shunning all the light in his life.

[nephilimbrute]

ur agents in particular FASCINATE me so so much i love your interpretations of them. could u tell us more about them and their stories? particularly 8, theyre so interesting!!! why do they hate marina? what happened between them and 3? what’s their relationship like with 4? anything you wanna say abt them, i’d love the infodump

omgosh....😇

a few days ago i wrote a thing that like. detailed stuff about major events with 8. i'll paste them here

agent 8 during the entire course of Octo Expansion was extremely shaken up. they couldn't think straight at all, leaving them vulnerable. sanitized cap3 wasn't much different too, she still had some control over herself and she never wanted to fight 8, making the battle between them long and confusing. eventually 8 gave up and walked up to her, ripping the sanitized goop right off her head (which, to cap3, felt like shoving a screwdriver into her eye)

during the inner agent 3 fight, was unconscious, so this was more like a a made-up battle. this 3 (dubbed enigma3) was formed out of cap3's repressed traits of herself and how 8 sees her, rather than being the 3 that 8 saw fight octavio. she's quiet, cold, confusing, and only wants to play mind games with 8. she never really left 8's conscience, but only appears when agent 8 is deathly worried about cap3

after the events of Octo Expansion, 8 absolutely adored marina. they were still a little shy though, so when marina wanted to talk to them they would kind of freak out. marina didn't mind though, and they were able to get to know each other somewhat, with 8 adapting some of marina's traits and behaviors. 8 had nowhere else to go other than sleeping behind crusty sean's food truck and park benches, so pearl let them stay with him and marina for 2 months. after those two months, pearl got in touch with agent 4 via marie (making him fawn all over meeting off the hook) and asked 4 if he could let 8 stay over (since pearl felt like they were watching him in his sleep) and fortunately, 4 said yes

after 8's mind finally clears up they start to question what's wrong with them and feel the weight of overthinking, which sends them spiraling down for the years to come (presumably the effects of tartar messing with their brain). 8 relentlessly questions cap3, rarely leaving her alone, and in turn it affects their relationship with cap3 in a negative way. when asked why they're so curious, 8 goes silent and refuses to answer

(small bit about cap3) cap3 feels like she's at fault for how 8 turned out since they started breaking after OE. she tries to make it up for them but she thinks she's only ruining them. her expectations for herself are set higher and higher, yet nothing she does is good enough. she won't give herself a break, beating herself up over every little detail and being highly critical to the point where she's stuck in a loop of self-destruction and loathing

8 slowly loses their trust in things and those they love, becoming scared and paranoid. it wasn't until side order that this was more prevalent.

in side order (AU), 8 has lost most of their memories, and the moments with the other agents and idols still remain but just barely. 8 is afraid of marina and has a deep dislike for her, but this was due to them not thinking for themself, instead listening to their gut. their brain fog is back more than ever, and whenever they try to walk for prolonged amounts of time they end up stumbling to their knees.

they can no longer tell the difference between reality and fiction. it's all a blur to them. they can feel marina's eyes everywhere. they can barely remember if who or what meant something, anything, to them. though having a deep dislike for marina, they want to be held by her. to be loved like a child. they never ask her of anything, instead just letting it burn into their brain until it breaks them completely. they want attention but they fear they'll be seen as needy and annoying. they want to apologize for everything and be forgiven. 8 doesn't know who is who, they've been copied so much they're just deemed a blank slate to be imprinted on. they watch everything disappear from their hands, unable to do anything about it. from being excited about what's to come in the near future, to being scared about losing the present and wanting to go back to the past

and then here's another little bit about 8 in side order: represents a crumbling mental state, begging for reassurance, desperately trying to hold on to fleeting memories. their trust is lost in everything but they want it all to return to normal, struggling to accept the fact that it never will

then about marina: represents a mother figure somewhat, but even she still fails to live up to that role fully. she distances herself from 8 who is always going after her just to be comforted, yet she denies it for them. she has the same goals as 8, clinging on to the present and never embracing change, but doing so only harms her and others and this behavior continues on and on

+ marina doesn't want to interact with 8 because she sees her younger self in them, she refuses to go back to that era of her life and 8 keeps promising her they'll be what she wanted to be. anything for them to be accepted, to be held in loving arms again. the lack of communication between them makes their relationship even more strained. but clearly marina still cares about 8, they were the only one to be let out of her mind control. she wanted to check on them and make sure they're okay, but what she got in return was someone that hated her

^^ their relationship is basically like this. constantly wanting to communicate with the other but being pushed away, they never fill each other's voids

onto agent 4 and 8... they have a relatively healthy relationship. 4 is 8 (and cap3)'s shoulder to cry on, he always tries his best to help them with whatever. since him and 8 both like off the hook, they'd talk about them non stop. 8 likes to give 4 details about how oth are off-stage since 8 frequently hangs out with them and stuff

4 appears as parallel canon in side order, but instead of other copies of himself, the other robots resemble agent 8 and cap3. they all circle 8 and mock them for forgetting everything about themself and their significant others, much like inner agent 3

nd i don't think i got anything else to say about those 3......that's all^_^ i'm soooo normal i'm normal

[klayleyism]

Klaus did NOT die for hope

Klaus was stuck in a torturous loop of self loathing and self destruction

He had lost everything he had, was completely estranged from the only people he actually felt safe with, people that made him feel less lonely (his biggest fear)

Hayley's death sent him over the edge and he felt responsible for what happened, he had admitted to staying away from her for the simple fact he felt like he was failing her and hope, and fear he'll only hurt them more and he only realized staying away did more harm than good far too late

Had it been about hope he would've either 1) not have killed Elijah because that was pointless, he left hope an orphan and Elijah was the only perfect person to look after her and Klaus was more than okay with killing him proving he no longer really meant shit to him after his indirect role in killing Hayley (he was ready to die for him every other day in the previous seasons)

And 2) since he gave no fucks about Elijah he could've let him die alone and stay with his daughter who he admitted clearly needed him

Instead he hit two birds with one stone, he gave Elijah what he thought he deserved and he died to simply get out of the responsibility of actually caring for his daughter, he knew he had nothing to offer her especially without Hayley there to help him so he thought the only thing he might give her is his death

Till his very last breath he was running away from facing his fear of turning into Mikael and failing as a father

And Hayley who was the biggest part of parenthood for him was lost so he had ultimately nothing to stay for

[echo-of-sounds]

rejection sensitive dysphoria

How Aizawa, Toshi, Hizashi, and Gang Orca would support their s/o with rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Sorry if some of these are a little difficult to read. A lot of this is personal so I sort of prattled on. But I think I edited them down enough to make sense and read clearly.

Aizawa Shouta

Shouta struggles with a few of your ADHD symptoms, mainly clicking and tapping. He’s also growing and learning. He comforts you from sensitivities and learns to help with memory issues. But one thing that’ll throw him for a loop is rejection sensitive dysphoria. Handling people’s emotions, he isn’t that best at. Handling your self-accusations, nearly uncontrollable guilt, and alienation hurts, worries, confusions, and upsets him.

It’ll take a lot of practice on his part to understand what exactly RSD is and how it affects your thinking, behaviors, and feelings. It’s hard for him to grasp how him saying “Don’t do that” or how reading a nice, useful critique on your writing is enough to make you sob for ten minutes. Your train of thought just makes very little sense. It’s helping you. You should use the advice to improve your skills. But he doesn’t voice that. It won’t make you feel better.

While he is confused about your reasoning, he understands you’re hurting. That’s more than enough to make him sit down, hold you, and talk (which is difficult for him). After reading about RSD and gaining new insights, he prefers talking out what happened and what your thoughts/feelings were saying. It’s to guide you along a path of understanding the situation better in hopes it’ll calm you. He wasn’t disappointed. That was just your mind twisting the conversation. Now, that doesn’t stop the flooding emotions, but it’s reassuring to realize his disgust wasn’t real. He still loves you. He always will.

A behavior that puzzles him (i.e. worries him sick) is when you fluctuate between a social butter and a hermit. You try so hard to make someone like you so much, but then a week later, you’re completely isolating. You don’t respond to texts or calls. You don’t engage. You just turn dormant. It’s like you either need to be beloved or erased. There’s no in-between… 

And that makes Shouta feel as stuck as you. Though he hides it to an extent. He knows if he revealed annoyance at your withdrawal, that could very well make it worse. And since he isn’t that great at emotional subjects, his choice of words could make it seem like he’s mad at you when that’s not the case at all. His annoyance is at the emotions. They take you away from the world, from your friends and life and him. It’s upsetting. He’s hurt that you don’t partake in card games with friends or join him for dinner anymore.

After a while, he will have a brief outburst. Despite the anger, underneath the scowls and retorts, you can tell he just misses you. He’s your partner. You need to have some sort of involvement in the partnership. At the end of his blowout, he apologizes. And you should, too. It’s unfair for you to disengage for so long. He understands your emotions are difficult to handle, but he doesn’t deserve you neglecting him. It’s on both of you to work with each other and figure out the best way to cope.

Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori’s great with difficult emotions. Hero work’s given him plenty of practice. But he always has a soft spot for you and loathes how you berate and bully yourself. It’s not fair. Mistakes happen. Sometimes you mishear. You won’t always reach your goals, and that’s perfectly okay! It’s also okay to not be the best at everything. None of that means you’re a failure. Anytime he notices the brittle little switch flick on that revs up your thinking, he turns his focus to you.

Like when he drives you to your doctor’s appointment. But it was at one, not four. You disappointed yourself, made Toshi drive you for nothing, and took up his time and energy for fucking nothing. You failed. You’re a fuckup. It hurts. You don’t know why. It just hurts. It’s lonely. It’s overwhelming. You can’t describe the quality, nature, or aspect. You’re just scared and fragile and ashamed and inadequate and now tears are streaming down your face for absolutely no fucking reason and it won’t stop, it gets worse and worse and heavier and heavier and you just want to disappear.

Toshi gently pulls you to his chest. It doesn’t matter how ‘insignificant’ the reason is, he comforts you, softly reassuring he isn’t angry and you aren’t a screwup. You made a mistake. That’s it. There’s no consequence. No nothing. You two can go home and spend your time together, cuddling and kissing, instead of at a doctor’s office. You can fix the mistake later and all will be well.

The high standards you set for yourself upset him. It gives him anxiety. When you get your essay back, the one you spent uncountable hours on, and you only got a 91, he doesn’t understand why or want to see you cry. Out of one-hundred, that’s an amazing grade, especially on difficult subjects. He wishes you learn self-love and accept yourself- fumbles, slipups, and all. Because the minute you fail, since the standards are simply not achievable by anyone, you tongue-lash yourself to tears. You’re scared of failure. But that’s exactly what you set yourself up for with your thinking.

To help, he will read plenty about what he can do to support you. He knows it’s not all on him to fix. You work with your therapist and practice coping techniques. But he yearns to help. He always will. During the buildup of an emotional eruption, he talks with you, directing your mind towards self-compassion: self-kindness because you deserve warmth and sympathy from yourself, common humanity because everyone has flaws and faults, and mindfulness because you can have negative emotions without judging them or yourself.

Overall, Toshi is there to bolster and comfort you. If you need certain things explained or want company to an event, he’s right beside you. He wants you to love yourself as he does, completely. That includes your flaws and mistakes.

Yamada Hizashi

Hizashi’s very in tune with your feelings. The slightest change is often felt by him. It doesn’t matter if the criticism is real or perceived, he’s hugging you, drying your tears. You aren’t an idiot or annoying or inferior. You didn’t fail or disappoint. And he certainly isn’t mad or judging or rejecting you. He loves you dearly. The instant you withdraw because of his tone, words, or actions, he explains he isn’t angry, that he loves you just as much, if not more, than yesterday.

And whether or not the initiating scene was real, he reassures you that no matter how devastating, destructive the emotions are right now, they will pass. You will feel better. Your mind is just in overdrive right now. Once it hits the brakes, it’s easier to think about what really happened. You can recognize his critique wasn’t some personal attack because he suddenly abhors your mere presence. He was genuinely trying to help improve your piano skills. It was out of love. Everything he does is out of love.

The embarrassment and low self-esteem are his chief concerns. You deserve to feel comfortable with your mind and body. Who cares if someone doesn’t like your dress? Screw them. You’re fucking beautiful and worthy of having fun and feeling good. He tries his best to kiss the tears away. If you need more kisses in the places you hate, he gladly obliges. 

The idea of failing a task is too painful, so you never try. You don’t speak up even when you have a great idea. You don’t vocalize your needs because you’d rather be insignificant than called clingy and weak. Hizashi is the ideal man to help. He’s your cheerleader, supporter, and defender. He’ll tell the server your burger was wrong. He’ll listen to your ideas and bring them up, knowing they’re terrific, then make sure you get the credit you deserve. Your words are valid. You’re valid. It doesn’t matter if something you do isn’t the best. You’re still entitled to be heard, helped, and respected.

Hizashi cracks jokes galore. Sometimes they’re groan-worthy. Sometimes they’re pretty funny. Sometimes, after a stress-filled day when you’re raw and insecure, one minuscule jab in a teasing-but-maybe-not-but-maybe-bullying voice can reduce you to nothing. Because that’s exactly what you feel like- a stupid, unwanted, fruitless fool. He’s quick to catch the fumble and switches into snuggly mode, apologizing and nuzzling you under blankets. You know he never means to insult you. But that doesn’t stop the emotions from bursting.

He changes how and when he jokes by paying attention to your anxiety level. He also compliments you more, immodestly and extravagantly. It’s almost too much, but Hizashi doesn’t care. He just wants you to know how much he loves and appreciates you.

Gang Orca

Kugo struggles… a lot. Relationships and delicate emotions in general aren’t his expertise. In the beginning of your relationship, he notices your sensitivities straight away. He doesn’t bring it up at first. Thinking it’s him doing something wrong, he changes how he acts. Then it happens again and again, over things he’s plain confused by. Why does him saying “Not right now” or “I don’t care” bother you so? He was only answering your question.

The more he apologizes, the more ashamed you feel. You must start the conversation on RSD. He’d never mention it for fear he would appear rude or prying. And you’ll need to be specific about what you’re sensitive to so he can do his best to work with you. He reads all those relationship blogs and self-help magazines, hoping to find new ways to support you.

Like Aizawa, Kugo talks through what happened whenever you feel blamed or criticized. He desperately wants to understand your thinking. He hopes it’ll help you realize it wasn’t a big deal. Of course, it is a big deal when you’re sobbing and whipping yourself. But once you’ve calmed, he sits with you and just talks, openly and honestly: What about his words hurt? Was it a specific word, his tone, or what he said? Do you believe he meant to hurt you or was your mind goading itself on?

If you react with anger, he’s baffled. You asked for constructive criticism on your drawing and then when he gives it, you’re slamming your sketchbook closed and snapping at him. His go-to is to apologize. That just makes it worse because now you’re feeling angry and guilty. And his sad expression makes you absolutely incensed because why the hell isn’t he realizing that it’s not about him? And now he’s apologizing again and you’re crying and feel so exposed and threatened and judged and you can’t talk so you just run away, preferring to be forsaken than a burden.

Take the time you need to calm. Kugo will give you plenty of space. When the emotional flash dies and you realize you vilified him over nothing, find him, apologize, and explain. He appreciates both. He accepts your emotional dysregulation and all your strengths and flaws. However, he wishes you wouldn’t take your frustrations out on him. He loves you. He wants to be your backbone. But he can’t do that when you succumb to your fight-or-flight response.

To help reduce unnecessary stress, Kugo reminds you to eat right, exercise, and keep a sleep schedule. When you’re tired, he notices you’re on edge, expecting anger and rejection to come out of nowhere. He takes your phone from your fingers and carries you to bed. You’re unable to get up since he wraps you tight, so you might as well sleep. He pays attention to what you eat. If you haven't eaten healthily, he brings you a glass of water and apple slices with peanut butter. Any time you’re particularly jittery, he recommends going for a walk to get out the swirling energy. Or, if you suggest, sex to work out and get pleasure (which is always a bonus).

[akampana]

How does Diarmuid alter compare to Diarmuid in their treatment of artoria, how they show affection, etc?

This is kinda toxic, be warned. And I'm gonna answer this as if Diarmuid Alter here has just arrived into Chaldea, and so this begins just before his GudaTherapy. It's under the cut in case you don't wanna read that.

The whole thing with Diarmuid Alter is that he no longer has the capacity to restrain himself, and any feeling he gets goes from 0 to 100 insanely quickly.

He's a later iteration of Diarmuid ua Duibhne's spirit origin, a corrupted copy that was born the moment Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald forced him into Command Spell Suicide. Unlike his usual self that forgives and can be seen hanging around the likes of Fionn, Altermuid holds grudges, forever seeking revenge against those who scorned him.

For this reason, he doesn't trust anyone completely(not even Guda, not yet), he cannot stand his former king, refuses to work with the student that took up his professor's name, he's violent against Emiya(Assassin), and with Arturia...it's kind of complicated.

Diarmuid Alter's feelings for Arturia exist exactly on the boundary between love and loathing (because while she herself hadn't intended for Episode 16 to end the way it did, she was still there) It's a very thin line, and the constant pull on either direction slowly eats away at his mind.

Lancer/Saber Diarmuid's fondness for Arturia is translated into Altermuid's obsession with her. It messes him up that he can never decide whether he was to kiss her or kill her all he knows us that he wants to be the only one to do it.

This battle makes him insanely jealous of any Servant that has a defined relationship with Arturia, whether it is friendship, romantic love, or even hate. He flips out whenever it feels like someone's getting ahead of him with her. (Like for example, if Cú Alter leaves love bites, he turns murderous, but he has the same defensive reaction if say someone like Gawain gives Arturia cookies.)

Altermuid sometimes squeezes until it bruises, but it's always an accidental consequence, because he's unable to decide between wanting to dig his claws into her wrist or using it to pull her toward him. When he kisses her, his mind screams that he should loathe her existence, but at the same time, he can't stop. On the one hand, he wants to enact some sort of revenge upon her person, but on the other, he's aware it wasn't really her fault and he can't stand hurting her.

He's just stuck in an eternal loop made worse because Arturia represents both what he wants so desperately(a loyal person who abides by the same chivalric code) and detests so fervently (a leader who betrays and lets their selfish desires trample all over his honor). He wants her to be the former, but he's terrified she'll be the latter.

This puts him at odds with his other selves. He taunts them a lot, especially because neither Saber or Lancer leave visible marks out of consideration. They try to reprimand Alter because well, he is them but all he does is laugh just a bit madly and say and call them hypocrites. Because he is them, he knows exactly the extent of their lust and lives in the tiny, passing thoughts that still resent her for that final night in the 4th hgw.

After a lot of time and a lot of these explosive episodes where Diarmuid flip-flops between being extremely attached and protective and being destructive and distant Guda decides that they should be apart until Diarmuid Alter arrives at a state where being around Arturia doesn't immediately result in disaster. So Guda separated them.

Arturia would spend time in Card form while Diarmuid was out, and vice versa. On the rare occasion they were active at the same time, the other Servants kept them from each other.

Eventually, Diarmuid Alter realizes he misses her, but he can't be sure that he won't have a meltdown if he's around Arturia too long. One day, he goes to his servant quarters and finds a tiny white flower there for him, with a thin blue ribbon tied around it, and he knows who its from. The next day, Arturia gets two roses in return in her room.

They don't see each other for a very long time.

So yeah, pre-GudaTherapy stuff like that last doodle happen on the regular...now they have a long-distance thing, but that's it. just little tokens in each other's rooms. Just to remind them they haven't forgotten about the other, even when they're apart. For now, it's easier for Diarmuid to think about her when she's not around. Leaving gifts gives him the opportunity to figure out his feelings safely.

Ty for the ask!

[elysian-drops]

I always deeply appreciated how you do introspection on your characters. As the precedent ask said how you made Draco three dimensional for exemple. Even the last chapter felt like a deep dive in Remus character and personality. You also approach Tom Riddle/Voldemort extremely well which is how I would have liked his character in canon to be, more political smart, more charming, two faced instead of the monologue villain. The chapter about Remus was also very in touch with who he is.

I dislike comparing artists works but have you ever read Charred Paws and Heavy Coils by UndeadArtist ? Because I feel like many of your characters are just as multi dimensional, human and realistic as hers. It’s a very refreshing take compared to taking an usually very canonical approach and try to make it as similar to the books as possible which fall flat because it doesn’t allow room for exploration and simply trying to imitate an author usually doesn’t bring more.

Also I don’t want to make this ask any longer than it already is (!) but I loved your head canons and have you got more under your sleeve?

Hi there!

Thank you so much for the kind words and feedback 🥺💕 I really enjoy doing deep-dives into characters, especially when they are so wonderfully twisted + complex like Tom, and it's always lovely to hear you enjoy reading them as well! I completely agree with you on the canon aspect— he was rather flat as a villain, wasn't he? 😅 But, then again, I suppose Rowling was writing for a younger audience and having a multi-dimensional villain is a big 'no-no' for the genre (didn't stop us anyway from adoring him though, did it? 😂😂).

I'm also thrilled to hear you thought the last chapter was very in touch with Remus!! Truth be told, that entire POV was one I decided on a whim 😅 I always thought Remus was an interesting character but he is so contradictory with himself. I mean, the man is stuck in a constant feedback loop of self-deprecation and self-loathing and so I was worried I was going overboard with his thoughts/inner-dialogue 😅 But, nonetheless, it’s wonderful to hear you enjoyed it 💕

In terms of your rec, I haven’t read it! I try to avoid reading other fanfics while writing mainly for two reasons: one, I don’t want to accidentally confuse their material and mine, and two, I feel I can’t devote myself fully as a reader while I’m also writing. However, I’ll definitely add her to the list if she’s getting that high of praise! I’m in agreement in that I like seeing new takes on characters rather than copying-pasting them from the canon material!

In terms of head canons, oh boy, do I ever 😂 I’ll post them under the cut because there are a few lol.

Tom:

Tom was a magpie child— he collected everything and anything he found of “value”. This included things from the other children at Wool’s (sweets he’d never dare eat, stuffed animals, socks without holes, etc) but also other more mundane objects people might have left behind on the streets— the odd button or two, polished rocks and shells from their beach outings, pretty shards of glass, marbles, newspaper articles he found of note, etc. In truth, his treasure trove cupboard was a mess.

Despite hating going to church, he quickly fell in love with how Latin sounded, particularly when sung— I believe this is why he didn’t protest too much being a choir boy.

Without a doubt too, he had a brief stint with Karl Marx and got in trouble with Mrs. Cole for espousing communism and trying to recruit (*cough* threaten *cough) the other children into joining him.

For a moment, before deciding on the path of being a professor and then a Dark Lord, he considered becoming a healer— he always had a fascination with the human body and its limits. Also, I just enjoy the idea that he came to Hogwarts bright-eyed and with more or less “honourable” ambitions (ie, medicine and teaching) and then having those ambitions become perverted and twisted a little more each time the Wizarding world failed him.

He chose the Ouroboros for his crest as kind of a little nod to his situation. The Ouroboros represents the cycle of destruction and rebirth— eternity— and shows that from destruction, one can experience rebirth (much like his form was destroyed but he was rebuilt from the person responsible for it). However, there’s also an underlying meaning. When the snake consumes its own tail (aka a piece of itself), it feels a sense of wholeness/completeness— much like how reabsorbing some of the horcruxes made him appear outwardly more “whole” (human).

Harri:

Harri absolutely loves the snow. Growing up, she never really experienced it (the Dursleys never bought her proper winter clothes so she wasn’t allowed outside often) but, when she got to Hogwarts, she spent almost everyday outside in it.

I really don’t think she thought too much about what she wanted to do after Hogwarts, truth be told. Her career paths kept changing on what she wanted to do, from Quidditch to teaching to becoming an Auror, and she really only clung to the Auror idea after so many people kept suggesting/pushing it.

She used to talk to snakes all the time in her aunt’s garden without ever realizing it was abnormal— that is, until she was finally caught in the act. After being locked inside for nearly a week and earning a few welts, she was terrified to talk to them again.

Much like Tom, she was also a “magpie” child. However, the biggest difference between them is that, while Tom collected things to “have” and to feel superior with, she collected things for sentimental value. Hedwig’s feathers, the first snitch she caught, her Hogwarts letter— mostly, they were things that reminded her that the Wizarding world was real whenever she was forced to return to the Dursleys.

Her handwriting is absolutely atrocious. She often has too many thoughts at once so everything comes out as chicken scratch— mostly because she’s rushing to get them down before they disappear.

She likes to use her wand to keep her hair up— much to everyone’s (especially Snape’s and Tom’s) horror.

Miscellaneous:

Bellatrix, without a doubt in my mind, is bisexual. Something about her just screams she’ll go either way and won’t even think twice about it 😂

Narcissa was the only one in her family not to be named after a constellation. In my head canon, her mother (Druella) always felt like an outsider among the Blacks (I also imagine her being blonde rather than dark-haired) and was more than delighted when she gave birth to little fair-haired, fair-eyed Narcissa. It was often a point of conflict in Narcissa’s identity growing up where she felt she never quite fit in because of this— and it didn’t help either her mother liked to say she was more “Rosier” than “Black”. Hence is why Narcissa was so insistent on naming Draco after a constellation, despite Lucius wanting otherwise.

Narcissa’s downtime hobby is floral arranging. One of her never-could-have-been dreams in life was to own a flower shop— however, she settles for making all of the bouquet arrangements in the manor.

Draco really, really can’t hold his alcohol— he’s such an incredible lightweight and everyone teases him for it.

Both Barty and Bellatrix were personally trained by Tom— hence is why he entrusts them with top-priority missions and views them as his seconds-in-command. However, who would win between them is a good question 👀 ((low-key would love to see Barty and Bella duel it out).

[telehxhtrash]

There’s two funny things I noticed about killugon shippers. 1. Even though everyone seems to think their separation is “healthy” because they’d become codependent, I don’t see this same mindset extending to Killua and Alluka. They’re codependent too, and I don’t see why one relationship is bad and the other is good. 2. People praise Killua trading Gon out for Alluka, but get upset if anyone mentions Gon meeting someone else his age to be his new adventuring buddy. Gon should be allowed to be happy and replace as he’s been replaced. Everything seems one-sided where ppl want Killua happy with Alluka, but are ok with Gon being alone and wallowing in that loneliness and guilt. I don’t get it.

HI ANON I’M SORRY MY BRAIN WAS JUST. not cooperating these past few weeks, that’s why it’s taken me a while to reply.

For the first part of your ask.... I’m gonna have to disagree with you on some parts. I think Killua’s relationship with Gon can’t be compared to his relationship with Alluka. You honestly can’t compare friendship/borderline romance to family relationships. They’re a very different type of love. That’s why I don’t really like it when people say Killua “replaced” Gon with Alluka, or that he cares more about her than Gon. No, he loves them both the same. It’s just different types of love.

I think the main reason Killua's relationship with Gon was codependent in an unhealthy way is because the codependency sparked from lack of self worth. Killua's low self esteem led him to act in ways that were completely self-destructive, almost leading him to death instead of trying to communicate properly. 

I also think that the codependency was reinforced by the fact that at the time Killua's love bloomed, it couldn't be reciprocated. It only led Killua to spiral further and further and completely get stuck in an endless loop of self loathing. That's the main difference with his relationship with Alluka ! Gon couldn't provide Killua with the love he needed at that time, and it led Killua to self-destruction. 

But with Alluka, this love isn't rooted in self loathing. Killua knows Alluka loves him. He doesn't doubt it even a second, because they're siblings. He knows Alluka's love in unconditional. That's why I think him taking some time off and staying with Alluka is a good thing : he'll get to experience unconditional love (not saying Gon didn't provide him with it because Gon did. Gon absolutely loves Killua unconditionally. It's just that Killua can't realize it yet.). And I think this experience will make him grow and learn how to love himself. 

Killua constantly self-sacrificed because he didn't know how Gon felt about him and he felt like he didn't deserve him, but with Alluka, he knows shes loves him no matter what. That's why I don't think you can truly say that Alluka and Killua's relationship is unhealthy. Killua is just looking for comfort in family relationships, I honestly don't see how it's codependency, and I think this will actually lead him to self-love.

So Killua and Alluka's relationship in itself isn't unhealthy. But of course, yeah, I definitely agree, Killua putting making Alluka his entire goal isn't healthy, just as it wasn’t healthy when he put Gon first. I wish Killua would put himself first for once. But I don’t think his relationship with Alluka in itself is unhealthy or codependent. At least, not from what we’ve seen so far ! But I agree, Killua revolving his entire life goal around one person and devoting his entire life to them, whether it be Gon or Alluka, is unhealthy. But I think this reflects that Killua is on the right path but still has a little more growth to do ! He still has to learn that while you can love your loved ones a lot, it's okay to be your own person independently from them. 

In short, Killua's relationship with Gon was unhealthy because Killua felt like it wasn't reciprocated and it led him to act in self-destructive ways. With Alluka, he knows it's unconditional love, and I think this is the push he needs to learn his worth and learn how to love himself completely. Something he sadly couldn't do around Gon, because of his self-worth issues. 

For the second part of your ask, like I said, Gon hasn't been replaced imo.... Different types of love once again. But I think most people don't like the idea of Gon meeting someone new for a few reasons. First, we all know no one can compare to Killua for Gon. Like, Killua is the best friend Gon could ever possibly have made, and no matter who he meets, it'll never run as deep as what he has with Killua. Second, I think the main point of Gon being separated from Killua and being alone on Whale Island, stuck with his thoughts and left to ponder on the "something more important than the thing you're hunting could be right there by the side of the road" line is to open the door to feelings realization. I think, narratively speaking, it's meant to let Gon realize how much Killua means to him. And meeting someone new would defeat that narrative.... Gon is being set to reflect on how much Killua means to him and exactly what he lost, so he can truly appreciate Killua fully the next time they meet. That's why to me, it wouldn't be a good writing choice to let Gon meet someone else right now. Because the focus right now is on how he feels towards Killua ! 

Ty for this ask tho, this was fun to reply to! And sorry for the delay, like I said i had mush brain for a while :(

[master-sass-blast]

Found Family, Part One --Wade.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE. I HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS PIECES FOR M O N T H S.

Summary: A brief look at yours and Wade’s siblingship, and all that it entails.

Rating: T for adult language, mentions of abuse/mental health issues/suicide, and mild angst.

Pairings: Piotr Rasputin x Reader and Nathan Summers x Wade Wilson.

@marvel-is-perfection, @chromecutie

Some say that the two of you together are a disaster. A cruel joke by the universe unfairly cast upon the rest of society. A recipe for total destruction.

You know better than to buy into what any of the bystanders and onlookers say. The two of you, while admittedly destructive, are like air to each other; without one another, neither of you would be able to survive.

Wade Wilson is your –adoptive—brother, you’re his –adoptive—sister, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The technical beginning of your wonderful sibling-ship with Wade Wilson starts when you help him prank Scott Summers in the dead of night, but that’s not where things really started. At least, not in your view of things.

No, they start the next day, when Wade knocks on your door half an hour before noon. He’s dressed in the most outrageous, neon pink and green Hawaiian shirt, orange camo jeggings, and bright, ‘fuck you’ blue Crocs.

“You eat lunch yet?” he asks, seemingly oblivious to the way your eyes are blinking their protest at the amalgamation of colors he’s wearing.

“Uh… no?”

“Great!” He loops an arm around your shoulders and steers you down the hall. “Let’s go get some! I’m buying.”

Dopinder, as it turns out, is a sweet and gentle soul –despite his weird thirst for vengeance. He drives the two of you to a downtown diner –and takes Wade’s weirdness with considerable grace and stride, which isn’t something you’ve witnessed from anyone else yet—and drops you off with the promise to wait until the two of you are done eating.

“I’m pretty sure you’re shafting his ability to earn a livable income,” you say as a waitress seats you and Wade at a booth adjacent to a window.

Wade snorts. “As if. One, I tip him in chicken nuggets, which is more than anyone else ever does. B, I’m helping him get into the mercenary industry, which pays way better than driving a fucking taxi ever will. And four, he doesn’t mind.”

You open your menu, start scanning the options, then freeze.

There’s so many choices –fuck, you’ve never even eaten out at a proper restaurant before. Your parents were too focused on ‘keeping you safe’ to let you have a proper childhood, dammit.

“Don’t know what to do?” The corner of Wade’s mouth turns up when you give him a ‘deer in headlights’ look. “I figured you probably didn’t have much experience with this. Russell didn’t either. Consider today your crash course in ‘how the world works.’”

“…Thanks.” You look down at the menu quickly to hide the tears that are already blurring your vision. “Uh, what do I get?”

“Whatever you want! They do all day breakfast here, and –in my opinion—there’s no bad time to eat a pancake.”

You smile. Pancakes do sound good. You peruse the menu for a moment longer, and the waitress is back to take your orders.

Wade orders a mountain of food. If he notices the way the waitress’s eyes bug out while he rattles off his insanely long order, he doesn’t let it stop him. He just keeps going, and her pen keeps flying across the page of her little book.

When he finishes, she turns to you, looking somewhat shell-shocked. “And for you, sweetheart?”

You copy Wade’s method of ordering –but not the length of his order. “Pancakes, bacon on the side, extra maple syrup, please.”

The look of relief on her face is almost comical as she jots that down. She promises to have everything out “as quick as possible,” then takes your menus and walks away.

Wade grins at you. “Look at you. You’re a natural!”

You can’t help but grin back.

You spend the rest of the day with Wade –and Dopinder, since he has to drive the two of you around. Wade takes you to various stores, having you buy yourself something –a book, a movie, a scarf—at each place so you can get used to interacting with people and handling monetary transactions.

You’re touched in a way that you can’t begin to describe. Sure, Professor Xavier and his team of mutants can help you get your mutation-related abilities under control, but no one’s offered to help you integrate into the real world yet. It’s like Wade’s thrown you a life-line you didn’t realize you needed.

When Dopinder drops the two of you off at the mansion, Colossus is waiting for you on the front step, arms crossed over his massive chest and a disapproving frown set on his face. “Taking young ones of property without permission is not allowed, Wade. You know this.”

“Okay, first of all, she’s not a ‘young one;’ she’s over eighteen, which means she’s allowed to come and go as she pleases. Even I know enough law stuff to know that. Secondly—”

“We’ll try to give you a head’s up next time, Colossus,” you interject before things can too far out of hand. “Sorry for making you worry.”

His expression softens considerable as his gaze switches over to you. “That is reasonable. Did you have nice day out?”

You smile and nod. “Yeah. Wade showed me around New York. It was cool.”

“See? I’m cool. Relax, Chrome Dome. I know what I’m doing.”

Colossus shakes his head, but he’s still smiling. “We will make X-Man of you yet, Wade.”

Wade’s full attention turns to you as the metal giant turns and heads back inside. “You were all smiles with him, huh?”

You narrow your eyes at Wade. “So what? Smiling is a normal human thing!”

“Sure,” Wade says, drawing out the ‘u.’ “You like him, don’t you?”

“Only as much as you like Cable!”

It’s Wade’s turn to narrow his eyes. “I do not like Cable. I merely have a ‘healthy fascination’ with him and his metal arm. And his awesome gun.”

You smile sweetly at Wade and step inside. “Glad we’ve got that all settled, then.”

Wade pretty well takes you under his wing after that. The two of you have the same penchant for wild mischief –and fucking with Scott Summers—so it’s no surprise that you get along like ducks and water.

But what no one else notices –which, admittedly, is probably because they’re so used to cleaning up after yours and Wade’s hijinks—is that Wade does more than just rope you into his nonsense.

The two of you need to run to a store to pick up supplies for your latest prankster endeavor? He has you make a list, estimate how much it’ll cost, keep track of the route on Dopinder’s GPS, and puts you in charge of navigating the store while you track down everything you need.

He gets bored of being cooped up in the mansion? He takes you out for an adventure, teaches you how to navigate streets and pick out safe places to duck into if you run into trouble.

He buys you your first laptop and cellphone, shows you how to customize everything for “maximum fun.” (And, when his knowledge runs out, he just sets you down in front of Ellie and has her teach you how to be safe on the Internet and how to avoid getting ten thousand viruses on your computer.)

The man makes sure you get a proper sex-ed course. Not one where he just cracks inappropriate jokes –though there are a lot of those going around—but a real one. The ins and outs of consent, how to avoid getting STDs, basic anatomy, how to spot cancer on both sets of genitals.

And it’s all of this that leaves you convinced that Wade Wilson is one of the smartest persons you’ve ever met.

It’s not hard to learn how to read Wade Wilson. Once you get past all the shock value of the jokes, vulgar language, and weird habits, he’s an open book that has its heart on its cover.

He’s lonely. Not the creepy, ‘I’m forty years old and I’m lonely so I spend a lot of time with people half my age’ lonely, mind you. He’s just… lonely. Sad, even.

He hates his skin. That much is obvious from all the long sleeves and layers he wears, even in the dead of summer. And while you don’t see anything wrong with the way he looks, he does, and that’s the only opinion that matters in his book.

Wade Wilson is also a man that wrestles with a lot of demons. His healing factor didn’t cure him of his cancer, so he faces excruciating pain on a daily basis. The loss of his girlfriend –who stuck with him after he got fucked over by Francis and turned into ‘an avocado that got fucked by an older avocado’—is a gaping hole in his chest that he doesn’t know how to plug. His self-loathing is a constant presence in his mind, and the amount of skin he covers is a decent giveaway for just how much he’s hating himself at a given moment.

He kills himself because he “can’t really die.”

And it’s when you watch Colossus and a few other X-Men deal with the aftermath of one of Wade’s “visits to Vanessa” that you decide that this crazy man might need you as much as you need him.

You happen to catch a glimpse of him in the hall a few days later, decked out in his Deadpool suit.

There’s only two reasons Wade wears that suit: he’s getting ready for a fight, or he’s in the pits of self-hatred (or both). But he doesn’t have his swords on him, which means he’s not gearing up for a fight—

You dart down the hall and latch onto one of his arms. “Hey, dude! I just had this great idea that we have to try.”

“Well, don’t keep me waiting, Aang!” Wade chirps back –but his voice is heavily strained, and, yep, you were right about his mental state. “What do we just have to try?”

You don’t actually have an idea on hand, so you just blurt the first thing that pops into your head. “Dessert burritos.”

Wade cocks his head back and considers the idea for a moment. “Dessert… burritos. Holy shit, you’re a genius.”

You grin –his tone’s brighter, lighter, which means you’ve managed to pull him out of his funk a little.

He grabs your hand and starts skipping down the hallway. “To the kitchen!”

Operation “Dessert Burritos” ends in nothing short of a disaster. You and Wade try to make pancakes to act as tortillas, and since neither of you can cook anything other than instant noodles, you wind up burning every attempt at you make. Three flaming skillets get chucked out the back door and two more are doused under the kitchen sink faucet before the two of you decide to call it quits on the ‘pancake’ alley.

So, then, the next logical step seems to be ice cream sundaes –except that Wade is still stuck on the ‘burrito’ concept, so he tries to wrap ice cream in a regular tortilla, which winds up tasting terrible for obvious reason, so Wade spits it out in the trashcan, except he misses part of his target and winds up spraying the front of the can with half his mouthful of ice cream and tortilla.

And then the two of you wind up unpacking the fridge and most of the pantry to find “sundae appropriate toppings” because Colossus is a health nut who keeps the kitchen stocked with healthy things—

And then Wade wants to try microwaving Gushers because why not, and you’ve never been one to say no to an opportunity to do something you’ve never done before—

And thus is all the chaos Colossus walks in on when he pops his head into the kitchen to see what the two of you are up to.

You’re eating fudge ripple ice cream straight out of the carton with a serving spoon, perched on the kitchen. You wave at him with the spoon as his face goes slack with shock. “Hey, dude! What’s up?”

Wade’s swearing up a storm while he tries to get molten Gusher remains off his face –he’d opted to take his mask off while he ate, and you’re suspecting that he’s regretting that decision now.

Colossus covers his face with both his hands and groans. “Wade—”

“Hey, man,” you interject before he can lambaste your honorary sibling too badly. “This was one hundred percent my idea. Don’t worry, we’ll get it all cleaned up. It’ll be like it never happened, I promise.” You pause, then add “Well, the gushers in the microwave was Wade’s idea. He’s on his own for that.”

“Oh, fuck you!”

“Hey, I told you not to stick your face into the microwave, but no, Pikachu knows everything!”

Colossus just sighs and shakes his head. “You two are destructive.”

“Hey, at least we didn’t short circuit the microwave this time!” You offer him an impish smile. “We’re doing better than we usually do.”

He puts his hands on his hips, looking every bit the stern father –but the corner of his mouth turns up as he shakes his head again. “I suppose you are correct.”

“Yupp. Like I said, don’t worry. We’ll totally handle the clean up and everything.”

He casts a concerned, appraising look around the kitchen, but still favors you with a small smile when his gaze finally settles on you again. “Well, I suppose I leave you both to it, then.”

The two of you have to spend the rest of the day cleaning and scrubbing to get the kitchen back in order. Wade’s none too happy about it, but you do your best to make it bearable for him –music, banter, the works.

And, bonus, cleaning with him means he has to stay with you, which means he can’t wallow in self-loathing. He’s not his bright, bubbly self, but he’s not falling apart either, which is a win in your book.

It’s dark out by the time the two of you finish getting everything put away. Normally, you’d just call it a day, but it’s not hard to see the darkness swimming behind Wade’s eyes—

“Hey, man, you wanna have a sleepover in the rec room tonight?”

Wade gasps, and his eyes genuinely light up. “Sleepovers are my favorite!”

You grin. “They’re my favorite, too! Come on, go get changed and I’ll meet you there. You still need to catch me up on all the reality TV stuff.”

The two of you are getting the rec room set up for the night when you hear Colossus’s heavy footsteps in the hall.

You pat Wade’s shoulder before hopping over the couch. “I’ll deal with him. Pick out something for us to watch. I’ll be back in five, ten minutes max.”

The metal giant himself is in the kitchen, checking up on everything before he goes to bed, it would seem.

You watch him for a couple moments –you don’t miss the surprised expression on his face at the orderly state of the kitchen, either—before making your presence known. “Making sure we held up our end of things?”

The expression on his face is guilty when he looks over his shoulder at you.

“It’s fine,” you chuckle as you step into the kitchen, holding up your hands in a disarming gesture. “I would if I were you, too.”

He ducks his head a little, but he’s smiling. “I do not wish to seem judgmental.” He looks past you –or, rather, over you—and frowns at the glow of the TV. “You two are still up?”

You glance over your shoulder, then step closer to the man of metal and lower your voice. “Wade’s had a rough day today. I just… I don’t want to leave him alone, you know?”

Understanding settles on Colossus’s steel features; he nods. “Da.”

“We’re just gonna hang out for the night, have a sleepover,” you add. “No more kitchen adventures –speaking of which, one of the skillets was not salvageable.”

Colossus huffs out a gentle laugh, crosses his arms over his massive chest, and shakes his head. “Somehow, I am not surprised.”

“You gotta admit, it’s better than our usual levels of collateral damage.”

“I suppose.” He smiles softly at you for a moment before clearing his throat and looking away. “Well, I leave you both to it.”

“Thanks. Goodnight, Colossus.”

“Rest well, Y/N.”

You watch him go for a minute –watch the way the muscles in his back and shoulders ripple as he walks—before you shake yourself out of the daze Colossus never fails to put you in and head back to Wade. “All taken care of. We’re free to poison our brains with reality TV drama all we want!”

Wade doesn’t look up at you when you walk in. He’s seated on the middle of the couch, jaw tight and lips pursed as he stares ahead at the TV screen. “I don’t need your fucking pity.”

You blink, shocked by the sudden outburst and his surly mood. It doesn’t take much to put together that he probably heard your conversation in the kitchen –Colossus’s voice always carries—but even if he didn’t it’s not too far out of Wade’s “normal” for him to assume that he’s only getting the scraps of what decent treatment he deserves.

Either way, you’re not having this argument. Not now, not ever.

You put your hands on your hips and fix him with a stern look. “Good, because I’m not giving you any.”

Your sharp tone makes his eyes widen, and he actually looks away from the glowing screen to stare at you.

“I don’t know if you noticed, dumbass,” you continue, tossing in a mild insult to help him figure out you’re serious, “but I care about you. You’re the one person in this mansion that made sure I’d be able to function in the real world if I had to, and I’ll be damned if I’m just gonna let you flounder when you’re feeling down. And that’s not pity, jackass. It’s called being a decent fucking human being. Got it?”

“Pretty sure it’s pity when the person isn’t obligated to care about you,” Wade throws back, smiling bitterly.

And you understand where he’s coming from. After Vanessa died, all the help he’s been getting has come from the X-Men, and how can it not look like a pity handout when the people helping you have their lives and themselves so extraordinarily put together?

You’ve felt the same way about it on more than one sleepless night.

You let out an irritated huff and cross your arms over your chest. “Fine. I’m hereby adopting you as my brother. Now, as your new sister, I’m obligated to care about you. Are we doing this sleepover or what?”

Wade blinks at you, then grins. It’s tired, and it’s worn down, but it’s not bitter.

You’ll take it.

“Hell yeah we are.” He scoots over so you can sit next to him. “These are reruns of ‘Say Yes to the Dress.’ This one’s the ‘Bridezilla’ edition.”

“Sweet.” You plop down on the couch just in time to see a particularly distraught bride-to-be throw a fascinator at her mother. “Holy shit.”

“Just wait,” Wade says, all too gleeful. “It gets better.”

You wake up in the gray pre-dawn of the next day and nearly smack your head into Wade’s.

The two of you had taken half the couch each, with heads in the middle so you could hear each other talk and avoid kicking each other in the middle of the night.

Wade’s still asleep, one hand holding onto one of yours.

The sight makes you smile, makes you feel a little less despair over the state of the world.

You squeeze his hand, then nudge his head when he doesn’t stir. “Wake up, idiot.”

Wade groans. “Too early.”

“Yeah, which is why I’m putting you back to bed.” You tug him off the couch and walk him towards the main staircase. “Come on. Your ancient back needs a proper mattress.”

“Not ancient.”

“Yes, you are, you geriatric motherfucker.”

You manage to get him up the stairs and to his room without incident. He drops into his bed with a grunt, and you tuck a blanket around him and wait for him to start snoring again.

And then you get to work.

It takes a couple minutes, but you manage to find all the guns and knives Wade keeps on him while at the Institute. You tuck the numerous weapons into your arms, then pad out of his room.

Colossus is in the hall –already dressed for the day, the morning bird. He frowns, concerned, when he sees your armload of weaponry. “What—”

“Don’t worry,” you toss over your shoulder as you walk precisely one door to the left. “I’m not using them.” You kick the door a couple times with your foot, then step back and wait.

Nathan Summers, alias Cable, opens the door a few seconds later. He takes one good look at the guns and knives in your arms, then raises an eyebrow at you as if to say ‘what the fuck do you want me to do with those?’

“Wade’s been in a mood,” you say, as if that explains everything –which, technically, it does. “And you actually know how to store these properly.”

He sighs, but doesn’t look too put-out about it, and opens the door more. “Bring them in.”

You dump the arsenal on his bed when he motions for you to do so, watch as he puts gunlocks on the various firearms and tucks the knives and other bladed weapons into the top drawer of his nightstand.

Colossus watches from the hall, hovering nervously in a way that should not be possible for someone of his side.

“If you’re cool with it, I’m gonna leave a note for Wade to let him know to see you if he wants his shit back,” you say as Nathan tucks Wade’s guns into a duffel bag. “He probably won’t be up before noon.”

Nathan sighs, but nods anyway. “Not like I’m going anywhere else.”

“Thanks,” you say, and you mean it. “I wouldn’t have known what to do with all this.”

“Anytime, kid.”

Colossus watches you carefully as you walk back into the hall and close Nathan’s door behind you. “You… care a great deal for Wade.”

It’s not hard to hear the unspoken question, mostly because it’s easy to see how someone might confuse the easy camaraderie you and Wade have always had for something else. Something… less platonic.

You shrug and tell the truth. “He’s my brother.”

Finding out that Colossus –Piotr, his name is Piotr, and you think you could spend the rest of your life saying his name without ever getting tired of how it feels on your lips—likes you is a world-changing revelation.

You know by the looks Wade keeps sending you throughout lunch, the afternoon, and dinner that he’s going to want a full report on everything that’s happened with Piotr.

You can’t wait to give him one.

You also can’t help but notice the way that the door to Wade’s room is cracked open and the lights are on as Piotr walks you back to your room –ostensibly so you know he’s ‘in’ and will pop in to give him the full rundown, but probably also so he can eavesdrop, the little shit.

But you can’t find it in yourself to care all that much because Piotr’s hand is holding yours and you can’t imagine ever feeling anything better than what you’re feeling right now.

He walks you to your door, smiles fondly down at you. “I have work tonight. I doubt I will see you before morning.”

“So you’re ‘saying goodnight just in case?’” You ask, smiling back as giddy excitement coils in your stomach.

“Something like that, da.” And then he dips his head and presses his lips against yours.

You can’t help but gasp, just a little, and lift your hand to his shoulder to steady yourself.

The kiss ends all to soon –for your liking and Piotr’s, if the look he gives you is anything to go by.

He presses his forehead against yours before stepping back. “Goodnight, myshka.”

“Goodnight, Piotr.” You let your fingers slip from his as he walks away and watch him as he retreats down the hall.

He looks over his shoulder before he turns the corner to head downstairs. He smiles when he sees you watching, and blows you a kiss before disappearing from view—

And then, right on cue, Wade opens his door and grins at you.

You just cover your face with your hands and let out an excited squeal. You’re too excited to be annoyed with Wade, dammit.

He tugs you in his room. “I have snacks. Now, tell me everything.”

The two of you talk for hours, demolishing several bags of fun-sized candies and two packages of Keebler Fudgestripes.

“No fucking way!” Wade brays. “He was pet-naming you for the better part of a year? What a dork!”

“Well, he’s my dork now, so mind your mouth.” You grin stupidly, then squeal as you fall over onto Wade’s bed.

“Oh my gosh, you’re so cute I could die.”

There’s a knock on the doorframe, and Piotr –still out of defense mode, which is gonna take some serious getting used to—pokes his head into Wade’s room. “You are still up?” He frowns when he sees the numerous wrappers covering Wade’s bed. “Did you eat all that?”

You giggle at your boyfriend. “Kinda. We got carried away.”

He shakes his head in an all-too-familiar disapproving gesture, but an amused smile plays at his lips. “Is not good to consume so much sugar this late, myshka. You will be up half of night.”

“Unless I find a way to burn it off.” You grin at him. “Mind accompanying me on a late night stroll?”

He smiles softly at you. “Konechno –of course.”

“God, you two are so barf-worthy,” Wade gushes as you hop off his bed. “I love it.”

You catch Nathan in the hall as Piotr escorts you towards the stairs.

He smirks at the two of you, presumably having gotten an update from Wade and Ellie. “Going somewhere?”

“Just for a walk.” You jerk your head back towards Wade’s room, where light is still spilling into the hallway from his open door. “I bet he could use some company right now.”

Nathan shakes his head and mutters something that sounds like ‘clingy’ under his breath, but he stills strides over to Wade’s room anyway. He pauses at the doorway, frowning. “Did you eat all of that?”

“Yes, he did!” you shout. “You should have seen it; it was horrifying!”

“Lies!” Wade shouts back from his room. “Lies, lies, all fucking lies and slander!”

Piotr chuckles and tugs on your hand. “Come, myshka. Before you get into more trouble.”

You grin as you follow him down the stairs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Watching Nate finally –finally—kiss Wade is like getting to the end of a good slow-burn book. You’ve loved watching the build-up, loved placing bets with everyone else on when those two would finally get their heads out of their asses and realize they were basically dating already, but God it’s such a relief to see them actually do something other than flirt with each other.

And one good turn deserves another, which is why you dig a box of maple sugar candies that you’d been saving for Wade’s birthday out of your dresser drawer and head over to Wade’s room.

Nathan’s already in there, holding Wade in his arms as they snuggle on Wade’s bed.

You can’t help but grin. “God, you two are so barf worthy. I love it.”

Wade sticks his tongue out at you. “We’re gonna give you and Metallica a run for your ‘hashtag goals’ money. Just you watch.”

“Good fucking luck.” You gesture at him with the box. “Wanna give me the ‘full rundown? I brought snacks.”

“I never say no to snacks.” He makes grabby hands for the box, then gasps softly when he sees the label. “Where’d you get these?”

“Vermont. The school took the kids on a field trip to a maple syrup farm. They’re the real deal.”

Wade tears the box open with all the delicacy of a rabid badger. “You do love me.”

“Always have, bro.”

Nathan frowns down at the little candies shaped like maple leaves. “The fuck are those?”

“Only the best thing on the face of the damn planet.” Wade holds one up to his boyfriend’s mouth. “Open up, sweetcheeks.”

Nate bites off part of the candy. His eyes widen immediately, and he spits the lump of melting sugar out onto a tissue. “Fuck. Too sweet.”

Wade gasps. “I’ll have you know that, as a Canadian, you’ve just committed a heresy. I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to see other people.”

Nathan snorts as he chucks his tissue into a nearby wastebasket. “Can’t get rid of me that easy, gorgeous.”

You can’t help but smile as Wade nuzzles Nate’s shoulder affectionately. “I just wanna say: I fucking told you so.”

“Shut up,” Wade shoots back. “You did not.”

“Wade, how long did I tell you that he liked you? How fucking long?”

“Yeah, well how long did I tell you that our resident steel boyscout liked you?” Wade rolls his eyes, then raises the pitch of his voice. “No, he doesn’t, we’re just friends, he doesn’t feel the same way!”

“I do not sound like that!”

“Uh, yeah you do! That’s why I made my voice sound like that.”

“Listen, asshole—”

“Language, myshka.” Piotr leans against the doorframe, smiling fondly at you. “Be nice.”

You point imperiously at Wade. “He started it!”

“Yeah, and I finished it! No performance anxiety here!”

Nate rolls his eyes. “You’re both insane.”

“Yeah? So?” You pluck two maple sugar candies out of the box –ignoring Wade’s squawks of protest as you do—then nab a tissue from the dresser before turning to Piotr. “Here. Try this.”

He eyes the candy, then the tissue, with admittedly fair suspicion. “What is this?”

“Candy.”

He gestures with the tissue. “And this?”

“Call it a safe bet.”

He sighs, then takes a delicate bite of the candy –and, sure enough, promptly spits it out into the tissue. “Bozhe moi, much too sweet.”

“Saw that coming.” You pop your entire candy into your mouth and let out a moan of contentment. “So good.”

“I know,” Wade says as he pops another bite of sugar molded into the shape of a leaf in his mouth. He makes a noise that in any other context would’ve been downright obscene and flops against Nathan’s chest.

“You’re both sugar fiends,” Nathan grumbles, putting an arm around Wade’s shoulders.

“I like to think of it as ‘well-adjusted.’” You grin teasingly at your own boyfriend. “What’s the matter, babe? Can’t handle a little sugar?”

He latches onto your hand and draws you into his arms. “Perhaps, you are just only sweet thing I need in life,” he says as he drops a kiss against the top of your head.

“Ew,” Wade mock-whines. “Get your PDA out of here!”

You roll your eyes at him. “Says the guy who’s literally sitting in his boyfriend’s lap.”

Despite the banter, you’re legitimately happy. You’ve got your happy ending, and Wade’s got his.

Look at us, bro, you think as the four of you share laughs. Champions of overcoming the shittiest obstacles. Go us.

[izacky23]

What makes you, You?

Lately I’ve been thinking about running away. I’ve been thinking of how possible it is to completely disappear and start new some where else. I wonder how long it would take people to notice. I wonder if people would notice. Would people care? Regardless, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of being able to rebuild myself around those who have no idea who I used to be. Partly because it could help me figure that last part out as well.

Over the last few years I’ve been really trying to do some discovering. I feel like I’ve spent way too long stuck in a constant loop of: 1) Analyze the problem 2) Come up with some sort of action plan 3) Come up with some sort of schedule to accompany the idea found in step 2. 4) Be Content with having an idea. 5) Follow for a couple days.

This has been my life. However usually at step 5 most people change “A Couple Days” to “Follow for Life” AND, mine comes with a great big handy 6) Start the fuck over because of your Insecurities, Laziness, and sometimes Lack of Care. 

So for the last couple of months I’ve been asking my self; 1) Why are you so content with being mediocre? 2) Why are you so lazy? 3) Why are you so indecisive? 4) Why are you so wasteful with your money? 5) Why are you so destructive? 6) Why are you so unmotivated? 7) Why are you so insecure? 8) What makes you, you?

Answering these daily for the last couple of months was supposed to be a unique way to try and acknowledge my problems and after answering them I would attempt to go ahead and “Solve Them.” It’s pretty safe to say, no I didn’t actually answer these questions every day. probably close to weekly, but here goes.

1) I’ve always thought I wanted to be the greatest at anything I set my mind to. Eventually, over the years just meeting certain criteria was sufficient too me. 2) I really don’t do anything until I absolutely need to do it. Even then sometimes I hardly do. (For reference, I’ve stated and I quote “I Will lose X amount of weight this year, for at least 16 years now) 3) Being so certain on something, that could eventually lead to disappointment or getting hurt that I can barely fucking choose what to eat on a date. (Fear of fighting, or date wouldn’t like the place to eat) So I differ. 4) I have this fucking idea that people like me, but a lot of the time its because money hadn’t mattered much to me. So, with a lot of things, like buying for S/O, or friends/Family etc. or just buying shit in general was just whatever to me. 5) I have a hard time believing that anything good in my life is actually just good. (fuck me, am i right?) 6) Honestly, as much time as I’ve spent listening to self help, or self motivation speakers etc, I should be a walking fucking book. And yet here I am on fucking Tumblr complaining about my life and how bad I feel I have it. So.(Beats me) *Shrug* 7) Shit, I’ve only wanted people to like me, the things I wear, the things I own, the things I listen to, the things I eat, almost every single fucking thing I do or think is influenced by the idea that “If you do this, people could like you more”  “If you wear that, people would find you attractive” So fucking superficial now that I think about it but *Shrug pt.2* 8) This, is the one question I’ve not been able to complete. 

Oh how I loathe the idea that I have no idea how to identify myself except for the words; Depressed, Unhealthy, Broke, and Lonely.

[eclectic-witch-tarot-blog]

How can I get over old issues and learn to love myself again?

I have Ten of Swords, Four of Wands, rev. Three of Cups, the Devil, rev. Eight of Swords, rev High Priestess, rev. Six of Cups, Knight of Pentacles, rev. Three of Swords and rev Four of Swords for you.

You were likely betrayed be your partner and one of your friends who proceeded to bang each other behind your back due to lack of romance between the both of you. 

This episode has resulted in a lot of self doubt, low esteem and lack of confidence in you. You have to let go of the past as a lesson learned, filed and stowed away in a compartment of your mind. Shit happens. You gotta pick yourself up out it. You are refusing to let go of what happened right now. You are stuck in a self destructive loop of self loathing and hating on them for what they did.  You have to reconcile with what happened and forgive them for what they did. Get professional help if you can. 

You have to come out of this loop. Start slow. Start going out with your friends again. Pick up a new hobby maybe. Start facing yourself in the mirror. Clean up and dispose of your partner’s things. You don’t need any of that in your life right now. Come out of your self imposed prison. You are the only one who is stopping your progress. Don’t let that be the case. Learn to move on again. Take it one day at a time. And when the going gets hard, remember that this time too shall pass.

Support me! https://ko-fi.com/eclectic_witch_tarot

[uriaslore]

Spontaneous Magic Gone Bad- the Remnants

Spontaneous magic is generally tied to strong emotions- love, hate, anger. These emotions come pouring out in the form of magic and, unless you are a truly exceptional case, are completely uncontrollable. To master and control spontaneous magic is to master and control your most powerful emotions in a way that does not suppress them- and since emotions of this magnitude can easily tear self-control away, this feat is all the harder.

Given the near-uncontrollable nature of spontaneous magic and the power of emotion required to control it, it may seem surprising that the system can be inverted. In some cases of extreme depression and despair, spontaneous magic can anti-erupt- the magic targets its source and deepens itself, causing a disastrous snowball effect.

If the person and circumstances are right, their spontaneous magic will stop coming in bursts and become continuous. Their minds will be eroded away, as magic does, but the incredible emotional potential of the feedback loop will sustain itself and other parts of the mind. Instead of becoming a Mthrarcd cultist with incredible power over the external world, the blend of eldritch power, emotion, and Mthrarcd influence will turn inwards, reshaping the person into something awful.

-----

This being is a creature made as much of magic as matter, with little of their original selves left save their own twisted emotions and a few scattered memories that support them. Their bodies usually become twisted reflections of themselves, being shaped by their emotional magic, though some retain an outwardly human form with their magic form as a second form. They have incredible spontaneous magic powers and even have control over them, but rarely have enough self left for non-spontaneous magic usage.

Often, these twisted eldritch forms of people- known as Remnants- will hide themselves in places secluded from the world. Caves, abandoned basements, sewers, deep underwater, in the air, or even hidden pockets of reality are popular choices. They may hide because they feel that they don't deserve to be looked at, or more often because they are often hunted down. In particular, they are hunted because their magic can harm others (sometimes by lashing out and attacking those who they see as wronging them, sometimes by leading people into the same emotions that created them, and some even feed on people to sustain themselves). There is no way to help them except by killing them- which is often something they want anyway but cannot bring about themselves. In the rare legends that involve them, sometimes they are restored to humanity, but to do so in practice would require incomprehensible power over the Planes or a physical portal to the Chaos Plane, which is damn near impossible and would cause far greater chaos anyway.

Remnants are almost unheard of, with few ever becoming remnants and fewer still surviving them. To fight a remnant is usually a suicide mission. As mentioned, legends featuring them are very rare and usually get most of the details wrong anyway. As a result, few have heard of them, and of those who have, few believe, and even of them, few look for them, and that's usually a suicide mission if it is successful at all.

In regards to specific people, Jean Ohakus nearly became a Remnant who would have hidden at the bottom of the Lake-of-Sky, underwater or tossed herself into the immense, deep, mazelike volcanic caverns under Stohl. Enna Fos could have become a remnant as well, had she been a little less full of anger and a little more full of self-loathing (a much easier way of creating remnants). She would likely have destroyed the base herself and taken refuge in the Underchasm.

-----

Some common kinds of remnants are the Vampire-types, which usually take human forms to feed on people, the Shapeless-types, which have no definite form, the Phantasm-types, which have lost all their physical existence and are nearly untouchable, and most commonly, the Psycheforms, which take material but eldritch forms reflecting their psyches. Each of them is capable of warping reality to some extent- whether it is creating objects, warping space to create realms bigger on the inside, or even simply replacing parts of reality with their own wishes. Again, as noted, remnants are usually shy and avoid coming out into the open unless something motivates them to.

Remnants do not need to form from undoing magic- any sufficient nonmaterial imbuement will do. The real key is that emotions must result in planar manipulation turned inwards in a positive feedback loop. Void remnants, Fundamental remnants, Order remnants, and Transcendent remnants are entirely possible, but have not happened in the entire history of Urias due to the sheer rarity of those imbuements. The only exception is Transcendent remnants- there has been one, specifically during the Battle of the Transcendent Plane, when one Transcendent soldier lost control. The resulting remnant was more sane than most, had an almost entirely physical nature, and had inconceivable power to rewrite the world. She used that power to vanish to the Outer Void and create her own universe, thankfully- had she been attacked and fought, she could have easily leveled half of the Destonan continent. Such is the power of the strongest of all Planes, amplified by emotional feedback loops.

The last topic to cover is the fate of the Remnants who were present during the Moment of Chaos. As the broken minds lost in the Chaos Plane returned to their owners, and undoing magic was lost, the Remnants around during that time lost their magical abilities and regained some of their sanity. Some of them would likely have returned to fully human, if depressed, but many would have died, and some became stuck in their forms with much of their sanity restored (save that lost to the emotional destruction and not to the Chaos Plane). Those remnants, as usual, could get no break from their horrible lives.

In closing, Remnants are the result of depression and hopelessness, magic, and eldritch power, creating tragic monsters that hide from the world. Each remnant is unique, and they sadly are unsaveable.

[cassandrale179]

ON BOJACK HORSEMAN (2014)

Date: May 04, 2019  “It’s not about being happy, that is the thing. I’m just trying to get through each day. I can’t keep asking myself ‘Am I happy? ‘ It just makes me more miserable. I don’t know If I believe in it, real lasting happiness, All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows ? I don’t think they exist.”

So I am not one who usually watched cartoons, not to mention binging an entire season of a cartoon series, but for some funny reasons I kinda stumbled upon Bojack Horseman, and finished the entire 12 episodes in 2 days. I really had to write down all my thoughts on all these episodes before I forgot what I felt about each one. So this isn’t a really a movie reviews, just random notes on the issues I like most of the show 

I. ORIGINS 

Bojack Horseman had got to be the most depressing cartoons I’ve ever watched in my life, and I am shocked by how gritty and realistic it is as a form of social commentary on broken people who tried to chase broken dreams in a broken society. That cycle of brokenness, that moment in life, that critical window between childhood and adulthood when one realized that his idealisms of the world begun to be torn down parts by parts, are one of my favorite themes of this show. 

“You want to know about my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother was the heiress to the Sugarcube fortune and my dad resented her for it…”

And I think by willing to explore these harsh topics, while being unforgiving to its characters (the fact that even if one was dealt with the bad cards of the Universe doesn’t permit one to be an asshole and shirk the responsibilities of doing good to other human beings), really added a nuance to the topic. Though this is often disguised in the form of Bojack’s deniability of his issues. 

“Yeah I like that. I didn’t do anything wrong because we’re just all products of our environments, bouncing around like marbles in the game of Hungry Hungry Hippo that is our random and cruel universe.

II. DISTRACTIONS

There are a lot of of other themes being explored in the show, such as sensationalism, political correctness, the dark side of Hollywood …etc, but they were quite self-explanatory, so I won’t go too much details on those. However, one of my favorite got to be the attention span possessed in today’s society. Firstly, on the decline of literary consumption: 

Pinky: When was the last time you saw a book?  Bojack: I thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it turned out it was a takeout menu.

Secondly, the fact that every time a character becoming open, vulnerable, or reveal an opinion they hold about the world, they are being interrupted by some bullshit diversions or other characters who detract the audience away from the seriousness of it all, really drived home the point that originality and insight are often being ignored by the noise of superficial entertainment media. E.g, my two favorite scenes were Diane discussing her views on feminism, before being interrupted by Bojack:

“… But I do wonder as a third wave feminist if it’s even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so was just a lie we told ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze.”

… and when Bojack was disagreeing on automatically labelling all American soldiers as heroes, before being interrupted by Mr. Peanutbutter.

“The troops are heroes, all of them. And I don’t believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns… Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.”

Again, this constant intersection between daily, mundane activities chomping down on significant events really highlights how cruel and careless the world is 

III. EXISTENTIAL NIHILISM

I actually wrote this bit before stumbling on this amazing video here which explained much better about the existential nihilism that permeates the show, sprinkled with references from Pascal, Sartre, and Camus. What is the meaning of happiness? And what does it take to get there? I think these are central theme not just in Bojack Horseman, but also an existentialist dilemma that many philosophers have asked throughout the time of history. And I think it’s great that in this 21st century, we could still recreated the importance of this question in a colorful cartoon series. For Bojack, it was to be admired by everyone, I guess because he had lack love throughout his life, and needed to constantly feed his ego and insecurity to restore the guilt of him causing pain to other people in his life. For Princess Carolyn, it was work. For Diane, it was to move to L.A and make a difference with her writing. But at the end, is that truly what they want?

Well, That’s the problem with life, right? Either you know what you want, and then you don’t get what you want. Or you get what you want, and then you don’t know what you want

Ironically, the happiest of people are the seemingly dumbest, aka Mr. Peanutbutter, who realized disparity between the need for a purpose, as well as accepting that the universe bore no purpose, permitted him to live a truly carefree life. But to idealists like Bojack and Diane, who daily questioned their reason of existence, or as the French called it in a more fancy terms, raison d’etre, they constantly sank back into a state of ennui and depression. 

Another amazing article on Medium also explained the concept of the hedonistic treadmill. This term was first coined by psychologists Brickman and Campbell, who observed that humans quickly return to a stable baseline level of happiness despite the impact from major positive or negative life events (qtd. Shatwell). They are like hamsters on a broken treadmill, running in circles to try to add meanings to life without realizing that they will soon go back into the same rut. 

This theme from the show is what I personally identified with the most, as I realize I also had once stuck in this treadmill of achievements. I was not satisfied with performing average in my class, so I strived to achieve 4.0 GPA, but then I did not feel enough, I need to get into an Ivy League. And even when I did, I started to envy other Ivy Leaguers who achieved more in life (e.g Nobel Prize winners, award-winning writers, Olympic atheletes...etc.) before I realized that I am just stuck in this loop of achievement and disappointment. This was a wake up call that made me realize how unhealthy and obsessive I had become. Luckily I had not gone on a drug bender like Bojack, but I do feel like certain points in my life started to become self-destructive mentally and I needed to take a step back to realize how my perspective had deliberately and unconsciously nit-picked people who outperformed me so that I would feel bad about myself and pushed myself to achieve a goal. It took serious self reflection to realize the toxicity of when one pursue something just to justify their reason of existence and to boost their self esteem, not because they enjoy the process of attaining achievement. 

IV. HOPE 

Though Bojack is such a bleak show, I do like how many of its various characters still struggle to survive and fight against their own demons. And though many self-loathed themselves, like Bojack, they still paused to question the possibility to be vulnerable and accept changes. My two favorite scenes: one, Diane opening up about her childhood.  

My family made my life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving. The truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.

Second, that heartbreaking dream hallucination sequence while Bojack was tripping drugs: imagining what would it had been if he had removed himself from Hollywood and settled down in Maine with a wife and a child of his own; sitting at that graveyard with his name above his greatest fear (die alone, remembered by no one); begging a figurine of Diane to tell him the answer to his life’s conundrum, and she replied with a seemingly profound quote, “You can’t forced love. All you can do is be good to the people in your life, and kept your hearts open”, but then charged him $5 to remind him that’s she is merely a puppet repeating what he wanted to hear. 

I mean am I just doomed to be the person that I am? The person in that book? I mean it’s not too late for me, is it? It’s not too late? Diane, I need you to tell me it’s not too late. I need you to tell me that I’m a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self­ destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I’m a good person, and I need you to tell me that I’m good. Diane? Tell me, please, Diane.

I can’t stressed how great and realistic this cartoon TV show is, so I guess I will leave this review with one of my last favorite quote:

Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn’t exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.

[sulietsexual]

I'm the same anon who asked you if you could write a Faith meta a month ago. I just read what you were looking for. I want a meta on why Faith acts the way she does, what attracts her to the "darkness" inside of her, why she compares herself to Buffy, why she is so sexually aggressive, and how she deals with her redemption and trying to be a better person.

You know, Nonnie, thereason this meta has taken so long to complete is because I have reallystruggled with it, and I have no idea why. Faith Lehane is a character I knowinside out, and yet every time I have attempted to write this meta and answeryour questions, I’ve gotten stuck. So, I’m just going attempt a method I usewhen I have writers block, and that is simply to write and see where I end up.So, apologies in advance, because this meta may not end up covering all of yourquestions, but at the very least, it will finally be done and will hopefullystill be a good read.

I don’t think I’mexaggerating when I say that I have never identified as deeply with a characteras I once did with Faith Lehane. This girl was everything I was in my youth –lost, guarded, self-destructive, promiscuous, aggressive and above all ridiculously broken. When she firstturns up in Sunnydale, she is initially presented as a light, carefreepersonality, but within that very first episode we see that all is not as itseems with Faith, as she ends losing control and pummelling a vampire into abloody mess while patrolling with Buffy. The revelation that her Watcher wasbrutally murdered in front of her goes a way to explain her behaviour, but aswe see over the season, there is something verybroken in Faith.

We know little aboutFaith’s background other than she was raised by a single, alcoholic mother, whopassed away at some point before Faith arrived in Sunnydale. From her overalldemeanour and attitude, it would be safe to say that Faith suffered some sort of abuse as a child, as sheprojects a very tough and invulnerable front to the world, and clearly hatesfeeling or being perceived as weak, something a lot of abuse victims have in common. Herattitude towards men suggests some sort of sexual abuse or, at the very least,sexualisation from a young age. When girls are sexualised from young, they cancome to both loathe and grow attached to their perceived attractiveness and“sexiness”, believing that not only is it theirfault that they attract unsavoury and/or older men, but also that this isall there is to them, that their sex appeal is their only weapon and that noman could ever see past this and actually want them for who they actually are.

We certainly seeevidence of this with Faith through many of her interactions with malecharacters. She attempts to call The Mayor “Sugar Daddy” indicating that shebelieves that he will demand some sort of sexual payment for her new digs.Later in the series, we see her seduce Robin Wood, then rebuff him the nextday, only for him to actually persist in his romantic pursuit of her, throwingher off-guard when she realises that he may actually want to get to know herand start a relationship. And then there is her rape of Riley, after which hesays “I love you” to her while believing that she is Buffy, and her reaction tohis words, which shake her so badly that she immediately tries to escape thesituation, tearfully asking Riley “What do you want from her?”.

Faith’s disconnect fromemotion-based sex is, I believe, another indicator of possible sexual abuse orassault in her past. Victims of rape often detach from the act of lovemaking,unable to associate the act with positive emotions, because it was turned intosomething violent and ugly. This is one of the reasons a lot of women who wereabused/assaulted as children/teenagers enter the sex industry, as sex becomessomething unemotional, something easily given and forgotten about. We certainlysee this with Faith, who speaks of men in terms of things to be used anddiscarded, never allowing her emotions to get in the way.

Faith is also a verysexually aggressive person, once again indicating that she may be a victim ofsexual assault. Abuse is like a cycle, with many victims growing up to beabusers due to the deep psychological scars they carry, and Faith certainlyseems to fit this pattern, attempting to rape Xander and later actually rapingRiley and possibly Buffy too (it’s unclear as to whether she did rape Buffy,given that Buffy’s consciousness was not actually in her body at the time ofthe rape). But this aggression, coupled with her general aggression and sadism,could definitely indicate sexual assault or abuse.

Outside of her sexualactivity and attitude, there is still so much to unpack when it comes to Faith.Like Buffy, she suffers simultaneously from an inferiority and superiority complex, both sides of which drive her over the courseof Seasons 3 and 4. When she arrives in Sunnydale she and Buffy are equallyjealous of each other, but while Buffy’s jealousy (mostly) disappears after oneepisode, Faith’s jealousy of Buffy follows her through pretty much the wholeseries, and is a major driving factor in her hatred towards and victimization of Buffy.

Part of this jealouslycomes from her romantic feelings for Buffy, but I believe the deeper reasoning forthis jealousy comes down to everything Buffy has versus everything Faithdoesn’t. When Faith first arrives in Sunnydale she is confronted with a lifeshe could have had – a Watcher, aloving mother and a close friendship group. She sees how all these people adoreBuffy, how they are all there for her and support her. Faith, never having had any of these (bar the Watcher part, andeven then, only for a short period of time) naturally grows extremely jealousof Buffy, wondering why Buffy gets everything Faith has ever desired while sheis left out in the cold. And, to be perfectly frank, Buffy doesn’t exactly domuch to sway Faith from this frame of mind.

In-Universe (and evenin the fandom) everyone (including Faith once she starts her redemption) claimsthat Buffy was always there for Faith, that she tried so hard with her, that Faith was so lucky to have Buffy as afriend. Except, this isn’t really true. In my opinion, Buffy never really tried with Faith. She wasopenly jealous and distrustful of Faith when Faith first turned up, she keptFaith out of the loop when Angel returned, made a half-hearted attempt to talkto her after the Gwendoline Post incident, but gave up before even reallytrying (even though it was painfully obvious Faith wanted to open up but didn’tknow how), talked about hanging with Faith but never followed through, andreally only genuinely tried with Faith when she had Angel try to talk her downafter the murder of the deputy mayor, an event which I feel Buffy herselfshould take some responsibility for, and an action which I suspect was fueledpartially by Buffy’s own guilt.

When you add all ofthis together, the jealousy, the inferiority complex and the lack of friendshipand reciprocity from Buffy, it’s easy to see why Faith turns on Buffy (and byextension the Scoobies) so completely, especiallywhen you compare their treatment of her to the way the Mayor treats her.Where the Scoobies and Giles never seemed to much care for Faith, treating herwith apathy and even downright mistrust (even before she had done anything toearn said mistrust), the Mayor not only instantly accepts her, but makes itvery clear that he cares about her. He moves her out of the flea-bag motel theScoobies and Giles were happy to leave her in, makes her feel welcome and lovedand, above all, special. In theMayor, Faith finds the parent she has always wanted, the love and acceptanceshe has always craved, and the feeling of belonging she has been striving toachieve ever since she arrived in Sunnydale.

Now, I am in no waycondoning Faith’s actions towards Buffy and the Scoobies, nor am I trying toexcuse the evil that she has done. Faith alone is responsible for her actions.However, given her history with the Scoobies and their treatment of her, it iseasy to see the reason why she turned on them so completely. She sought loveand acceptance with them, and instead received distrust and disdain. When shefalls into her coma, they barely give her a second thought, and upon waking,she finds that everyone has moved on without her, a fact which greatly distressesher and puts her back on her path or darkness.

Post-coma, however, somethinghas changed in Faith. Possibly tied to the fact that the world has moved onwithout her, possibly influenced by her grief over losing the Mayor and possibly tied to the nightmares and psychological trauma she underwent while in her coma,the Faith who emerges in Season 4 is far more self-loathing and suicidal thanwe have ever seen her. While Faith was never a great example for self-esteem,the Mayor’s love and support gave her enough hope and light that she was ableto overcome her suicidal tendencies (which are evident almost from her firstappearance) and learn to accept and even moderately like herself, even despiteall her evil. Without the Mayor, she is lost, with no one in her corner, and soall her old issues come to the surface, not to mention several new ones.

The Faith who comes outof the coma is not the same girl who fell off the roof at the end of Season 3. The Faith who comes outof the coma is lost, self-loathing, weighted down by the guilt of her pastactions and unable to see any solution except death. She still goes after andseverely victimizes Buffy (and by extension Riley), but this time around she’snot driven by hatred or jealousy or even her own sadism, but by a desire toescape herself. She steals Buffy’s body and identity, and through this, startsto realise that there may be more for herself out there, the opportunity tohave love and acceptance, to do good the way Buffy does, and this exacerbatesher self-loathing, culminating in her brutal beating of her own image beforeshe escapes to L.A.

Her appearance in thetwo-parter AtS episode is Faith at her lowest, most broken and most self-hatingand suicidal, as we see her kidnap and brutally torture Wesley. Wesley’storture is probably one of Faith’s most heinous crimes, showing just how farshe has fallen. While Faith is and always has been a dark person, her tortureof Wesley is less about her own sadism and more about her self-loathing anddesire to end her life, as she uses Wesley’s torture to try to push Angel intokilling her. The weight of her guilt, her darkness and the memories of hercrimes have pushed her to a place where she believes death is not only the onlyoption for her, but also the most fitting punishment, evidenced as she screamsat Angel “I’m bad, I’m evil” and begs him to end her life.

Luckily for her, Angelrefuses to do so, recognising a soul who needs saving and identifying with thedarkness that lies within Faith’s heart. Through Angel, Faith is able to takeher first step towards redemption, because Angel offers her safe haven andsanctuary, while simultaneously making sure Faith knows that she must makeamends, that she can’t outrun her past and that she must face the consequencesof her actions, and through all of this, Faith finally realises that she willnever find peace or happiness unless she makes a genuine attempt at redemption,until she truly faces the repercussions of all her crimes. As she sits in thejail cell in the final shot of Sanctuary, we see, possibly for the first time,an accepting Faith, a Faith ready to face consequences, a Faith who mightfinally find some inner peace.

While Faith doeseventually find some peace and learn to accept herself, she continues tostruggle and fight against the darkness within. While Faith is, in part, shapedby her circumstances, the abuse she has suffered and the rejection she hasdealt with, there is a part of her which is just dark, part of who she is at her core. This innate darkness is whatFaith struggles with on a day-to-day basis, an inner demon she must learn tocontrol and live with. Similar to the darkness which resides within Angel,Faith’s more sadistic side genuinely enjoys inflicting pain, and the fight tokeep it under control will probably follow her for the rest of her life, especially since she gave in to it, letit free and got a taste of it. Because she let the beast out, it tasted blood,liked the taste, and keeps demanding more. Similar to the way alcoholics mustresist liquor, Faith must resist her darkness, which we see her do time andagain when she returns to AtS and BtVS in later seasons.

I feel like there ismore to write, as Faith is such a complex character that she could probablyinspire novels of meta, but I alsofeel that I have rambled on long enough, so I am going to tap out here. Icannot apologise enough for how long this meta has taken, and I also apologisethat it may not have covered everything you asked for, but hopefully it hasprovided you with a good read and a greater appreciation for the amazinglycomplex character that is Faith Lehane.

[monolid-monologues]

detox,

#11. 

Putting words to it, when i have no idea what is happening.  when i feel consumed but can't look in that direction. avoiding? waiting? sinking.

i feel like i haven't been home in a month. (truth is, it's actually monthS). i wake up, leave, come back, leave, come back, sleep. one weekend here, there, somewhere else, spend my day in the office, live my life in weekends...   

this has been my home for half a year now.

Home is my mom's. home is where i stay to pay student loans instead of rent. it's the station where i shower, and....eat, sometimes.. (not as much as i'd like). it's the address for all my paperwork.  home is where i make a mess, clean, then make another mess. Home is where i get ready to go out.  This home feels un-lived by me who lives there. My relatives are in town for 2 months, and my house comes alive. and 'How to be at home" - it's like learning how to walk.

My visiting grandma will say, "none of us get to see you much" -- and it sounds like a grandma kind of thing to say. -- so i didn’t think too much of it. i haven't seen my grandma, aunt, and cousin in over ten years. and now they're here for two months, now i see my grandma every morning before i leave for work, all of us have dinner once a week, i get to detangle the mythos i've construed all this time spun by my childhood traumas (and it's time to reckon with the way my problems lie within/inside Me). their visit is a critical light between me and them -- and, she’s onto something. We might have spent more time together in 1 month than in 10+ years combined but i am mostly slipping in & out week after week. My absence from home is second nature.

i wonder what home means to me.

i'm not home much. i haven't been home much. i've never been the type to be home much. this isn't to say that i don't spend time at home. on the contrary, i love the safety. and, most of all, i love the privacy. home is a sacred place. and in it, is my private space. But, that’s why even when i'm home, i've never been "home" lol, you know, like Being Around the House, like out in the open, at home like it’s a community space. 

When i was younger, only under very particular circumstances did my parents or my brother come into my room. and they never stayed too long (i don't think i made them feel too welcome, either).

And needless to say, it was not a house with a lot of people comfortably, casually coming and going. With all our secrets, having people over was always a formalized occasion. Nothing too casual about it. So that nothing could ever be too real. Unless everyone else was gone. 

i preferred being home alone. being left alone in my room. or leaving the house altogether. escape whenever possible. 

i found solace in the privacy of my room. i loved the familiarity, freedom, fantasy that a personal space could hold. my room could be full of my dreams, desires, inner truths. my room could let me live. as well, getting out of the house let me live. but being around the house like a willing participant in this home? didn’t happen.

the common spaces in my home were first and foremost:empty. and full of sadness. the kitchen, angry. the living room, stiff. the staircase and hallways, lonely. i chose to disengage and lived my life leaving the house or hiding in the house.

so a home, as a genuine community space, was foreign to me. to be “at home” escapes me now.

ever since i could leave, to live, i left. 

* * *

this weekend, i went to Davis. I saw the play my friends produced, The Bachelorette. it left me with a pounding migraine. this story sat me down, and i watched a group of people fester in their toxic habits. i witnessed the loop of damaged people damaging themselves further, all these hurt ass people summoning their addictions to ward off the change. i realized that this loop will take all of them to their grave unless someone snaps out of it. the violence of forsaking better choices. the addiction to self-denigration, and those who will self-harm with us.

i saw myself and my track record i saw myself and a part of my identity i've had trouble growing out of. i know i am growing out of it, but, it's ridiculously slow, and i'm frightened that there does exist something inside me that desires self-destruction. Self-harm.

Honesty, honesty, honesty What am i feeling, what am i doing, what am i feeding myself.. What am i sabotaging? Where am i stuck? The stakes….my dreams..my goals..my integrity. my character. my work ethic. Postgrad transitioning feelin sooooo fkng vulnerable to EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. Everything i do, everyone i share time with, every decision i make or don’t make. it all feels so fking formative. i feel like an open wound

(-- from Oct 7, 2018)

A bout of insane nausea jumps me at an inconspicuously mundane hour yesterday. Everything in this moment feels so uncomfortable. my own bones. i think a dark hole found me. i feel rudely stretched. twisting just before the ripping point. and i'm afraid i won't snap back.

into the person i was. the person i've been. the version of me i know and have loved very well. It's this uninvited change vacating the parts i don't need, but may want.

Raw, pink flesh peeks through the crust. i am frantic for what anchors me, holds me down.

i want to vomit. i feel so sick. both in awe of my transforming and reviled by the inertia. if i could put my fingers down my throat, induce my own yack, beat my own intoxication, force myself sober. eject, like, spiritual barf... What's the way to do that IRL?

* * *

me: "did you see my thirst trap"

robin: *cringe*

me: (on instagram) look

robin: *nope*

me: except it's not for anyone, so it's not really a trap

robin: *changes topic*

kkkkkkeekekekekekekkekkekeke

I'm referencing a photo i took of myself during my bath. relaxed, alone, and in my vibes. when i'm loathe to disrupt my interior, but am in the mood to be seen. Like, literally sending a message to no one in particular. Because in such a moment, it's not so much about who sees you, but that you are decidedly visible. But only through your phone, with a photo, because the distance is nice. i can't be touched i can't be accessed in that dangerous puncturing way i'm much less vulnerable i am kind of hiding, kind of not? i am simulatenously revealing and concealing, in what seems to me a guarded celebration of this side of me that desires, performs, instigates. wishes to poke, prod, excite, stimulate.

I take and post plenty of selfies, Reveal myself My desire My signaling that I care to show this side of me, that I don’t care to be shy about certain sides of me, But with guard -- an arm's length distance that i could drop, or extend, in one second.

As you are protected too, you know, as we are when we gaze at the other through a lens. we get to brush past the other, and even really SEE THEM, without the level of consequence, and the weight of responsibility that exists in real life.

Kind of a dangerous practice isn’t it. Lol.

here's a picture of me for you to look at. not that you have to. not that you might. but if you will......

here's a picture of you i am looking at. not that i must. not that i will again. but since i am.........

* * *

i feel weak. and raw. funny enough, this may be the strongest i have ever been. i don't know what to do with myself. this is wilderness tempered by patience and injury. Lately my interior energy is feeling harsh, torrid, tempestuous. even for me. maybe that's why the nausea, the headaches. 

maybe it’s the kicking of a spoiled spirit. i hate denying myself familiar pleasures. i am uncomfortable because i am treating myself as fragile.

when we can feel how tender we are, the fresh cuts in our hearts, this must be the sign to protect ourselves. to be wary of yourself. especially if you have a history of self-harm.

it is necessary that we heighten our watchfulness over our actions and reactions and carry ourselves delicately, because we're in delicate times. Precarious.

What keeps me from what hurts me is my faith in my future.

It's honestly so disturbing, it rocks and writhes underneath my skin, my voracity for Chaos and Mess, my rabid latent aching for trouble.............

Fuck-ing-shit, i am trying to allow the fragility to lead. So what is small is empowered. To be small, and to take small steps, and to healthfully inch forward, when all you want to do is leap and crashhhhh a mile away from the nauseating place you're at right now.

There’s some relation here between my home life, healing, and resisting recklessness. i know i didn’t quite get there...  If there’s anything you’re stuck on: http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/submit

* * *

i’ve committed to being vulnerable in writing every week. 

previous letter: #10.) What’s so scary?

drop me a line

http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/ask

[foxcroft-rpg-blog]

Congratulations, Addy! You really understand both the light and the dark sides of Jack, but what I really appreciate how you don’t ignore the bad in him. Jack isn’t perfect -- far from it. He’s done bad things and gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd, and you understand that. I can’t wait to see what you do with him.

Thanks again for applying! Please create your account and send in the link, track the right tags, and follow everyone on the masterlist as soon as you can. Welcome to Foxcroft!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: addy

Age: (16 and over) 20

Preferred pronouns: (if you’re comfortable sharing) she/her

Time zone: est

Activity: (include a brief explanation) on a scale of 1-10, i will give a fair estimate and say I am a healthy 6.5. This is mostly due to the fact that I am a full time med-school student, so I do tend to get overwhelmed with a bit of work but honestly, I tend to lurk the dash quite often in my free time !! i’m pretty good about communicating with admins, as well, about absences when I need them !!

Anything else?: (questions, concerns, etc.) I am just like so excited to see this. I have only ever applied to one other bio rp before and never really made the cut so I am kind of anxious. I’ve always wanted to try and see how it goes honestly, so please bear with me !!

IN CHARACTER

Full name: Jack Adrian Ramsay

Date of birth: April 5th

How long have they been in Foxcroft: (1-3 sentences. Please be consistent with bio.) All twenty-five years of his life, Jack has been a resident of Foxcroft. The quiet, strange town witnessed the silent bruises and concealed burns with watchful eyes, making note of his whereabouts whether he noticed or not. The strangeness of Foxcroft is his home, the guise under which he’s lived and experienced the most bizarre ordeals. From the numbness of his home, to the water tower, to Val’s convoluted obsession with the Deathless, it was always here in Foxcroft. He’s tied to this town, always has been–just now in different ways.

Sexuality: (include a brief explanation) – Pansexual; the need to feel skin, to feel something, anything, is too great. It’s overwhelming; a hunger, a craving to feel warmth and heat and human touch. It’s a deep, carnal obsession that blurs the meaning of gender or sex. A tangled, writhing, moaning mess of limbs and bodies is enough to satiate him; Jack finds himself drawn to the electricity of skin to skin, not the definitions or labels. It’s a craving, a desperate desire to simply feel something, anything–and sex is only one way to do so.

FC change: non-applicable

MORE

How do you interpret this character’s personality? How will you portray them? Include two weaknesses and two strengths. (2+ paragraphs)

Addictive, impulsive, volatile; I interpret Jack’s personality to be one based off of the vice of wrath. The hollow emptiness he feels is a product of years of abuse, a convoluted and damaged result of a constant hunger that’s been locked away in him. The need to feel something, anything, manifests in a personality that falls prey to the dangers of addiction easily. Drugs and drinks are only the start, a physical and simplistic method for him to mask the deep emotional trauma he’s holding onto. He unwittingly clings to anything that seems to provide a sense of comfort; Val is only one example for him. She became something akin to “normalcy” for him. Constant interaction, going along with her to Church–it gave him something to hold onto and he automatically latched onto that only for it to blow up in his face in a way he couldn’t quite grasp. This just goes to show that he latches onto things quickly in the hopes of fulfilling the emptiness he constantly feels within himself.

Jack is PROTECTIVE, clear in the way he notices the changes in people like Cassidy. He wishes for the best of people even if he doesn’t originally tend to do so. He looks to watch over others–perhaps to fill the void within himself. He sees the good in others, such as Val, who gave him the hope of belief in something, anything, while Cassidy allowed him to see the purity in bright eyes. Jack is JUST, seeing the flaws in Val’s desire–no, obsession–with immortality. The murder of an innocent made him see the wrongness of it all–and it doesn’t sit well with him. He may despise himself, may fall into drugs and alcohol to make himself stop feeling–but he is not an inherently evil person. He recognizes the good, the bad, and the ugly–and he can tell when something is unfair. However, Jack is VOLATILE. His self-destructive tendencies manifest into addiction, obsession. The need to find something to exploit, to ruin, to destroy is the only way he knows how to cope. Abuse is never productive–and for Jack, the emptiness and hollowness of his upbringing lead him to need some sort of outlet. Destroying himself–and others–from the inside out is the easiest way of making himself feel something, anything. And on top of that, he is OBSESSIVE. No, he’s not a stalker. Not someone with a shrine tucked away in his room; he is someone who needs a beacon. Someone who relies on an emotional crutch to feel even the littlest of things. For him, that was Cassidy. She gave him some sort of belief, some sort of hope–even if it drags him under eventually and leads him to damage the things he holds dearest to him.

I would like to portray this character to be as flawed and damaged as he is while also showcasing the inherent good he possesses. He is not his demons, but he is who he is in spite of them. He has light in him, even if it is masked in the darkness and the gore of this entirely fucked-up cult that roped him into this mess. He is impulsive, brash, cold, numb–but he is good, able to love if given the chance. His self-destructive behavior makes it hard for him to connect and it may make him difficult to interact with, but he means well. I would like to portray him as this multi-faceted character that is neither good nor bad, but a nuanced mixture of all the shades of gray between the light and the dark.

How did this character react to the death of Hazel Abrams? Adam Foxcroft? (1+ paragraphs)

Confusion. Dazed, mind-boggling confusion. The fact that someone he thought would bring him hope would instead be at the root of all this throws him for a loop. He isn’t quite sure what to make of it all–he can feel the changes, after all. He can feel it in himself, see it in others; he can tell that Foxcroft is changing little by little–and it’s making him apprehensive. He can’t quite feel anything else–emotions are too little, too much. They don’t mean anything to him when the only thing in him is a nagging desire to black-out from everything around him. No, her death doesn’t personally affect him… but it does leave him with questions. Burning questions like fire at the tip of his tongue, threatening to drag him into a red-hot haze that could destroy him and the only thing he cares about. Adam’s death hardly phased him–not the way Hazel’s did. No, now he just knows. What that is, even he can’t quite tell. But it’s coming. A sickening, foreboding sense of confusion and omnipotent knowing mingling into one.

How do they see the town and its people? Think about the different groups of people and prejudices the town holds about them. (1+ paragraphs)

He never saw them to begin with; it was always himself. Drinking, snorting thin lines of ivory powder, shutting out anything and everything that came into contact with him. Up on the watertower, he finally interacted with someone from this town in a personal way–and since then, he’s begun to regret it. He sees that there is something very, very wrong. He sees that there are people who are obsessed with something he doesn’t believe in. He sees that the innocents are not safe. He sees that the pure and the good become corrupt. He sees the evil, the blackness–and he wants to shut it off. It drives him insane, how fucked up it all is. There’s no switch, no button–and he’s stuck with them. Tangled into a mess of a cult, stuck with people believing in something he can’t quite grasp. It’s too much. It’s unbearable. He sees nothing in them–after all, he’s nothing, himself–but he can feel that whatever it is that they’re doing, it’s just not right. And he also sees that he’s becoming one of them, slowly but surely, bringing in a whole new dimension of self-hatred.

For non-human characters: What does this character know about what they’ve become? Have they had any experiences that made them aware that weren’t exactly human? Elaborate. (2+ paragraphs)

Jack has always been unaware of what he is. The hunger, the cravings, the obsession with wanting something he could never quite put on a finger on–it was all a mystery. Foxcroft is a strange, twisted little place full of mystery and darkness that leaves everyone wondering. And Jack is no exception. He is beginning to sense the changes, the way his veins seem to crave that very specific something, the way the pain never seems to leave him–it’s all getting to be too much. It’s a sensation so foreign to him that it’s driven him to the point of near-madness. He’s a danger, a monster–he can sense it deep in his bones. Ever since the murders, the cold cases, the bodies showing up, the way he’s hurting Cassidy, the godforsaken Deathless… it’s only becoming more painfully obvious to him.

The emptiness hurts more than anything–because it feels like nothing at all. He felt it as a child, when his mother’s black eyes mirrored his own. Tangled in with a web of murderers that took the life of an innocent girl, he is beginning to see the darkness at the edge of this town. He sees the way he’s affecting the people closest to him. It’s an ugly thing to feel, self-loathing. But it’s there, stemming from the way his body is changing, the way he craves it. The way he’s hurting the one thing he vowed to never damage. He doesn’t quite know what it is just yet, but he can feel it deep in his bones.

Please include 1-2 possible plots your see for this character (1 paragraph brief explanation for each)

Discovering what he is ;; I would love to see Jack discover that his self-destructive behavior is damaging someone he cares about–Cassidy for example–because of his powers. I want him to expose himself and begin to hate who he is, what he is, and only feed into that volatile, self-destructing behavior because it would be so interesting to see how he copes. The damage he causes to the people around him would be enough to push him to a breaking point, surely, and it would be a very interesting thing to play out once more connections are established.

Falling in love (the right way) ;; I am a sucker for romance and nothing gets me more than the trope of the volatile monster finding peace in the gentleness of a lover–someone that can temper the raging storm within him and helping him see that pain isn’t something he has to bear alone. Someone that will help him unlearn the hatred. Someone that will help him tame what he is. It will be a long, slow, and angsty process–but ultimately, I want to see something healing. Of course, there will be plenty of moments in which he hurts and lashes out to tear the other down, but that’s a part of the very bumpy and treacherous ride.

WRITING SAMPLE

There are two options here, and you only need to complete one.

Para example 1 – https://zxiiden.tumblr.com/post/158238582247/zxcharie-h-it-wasnt-as-if-zaiden-hendricks

Para example 2 – https://zxiiden.tumblr.com/post/157661995287/illvssa-with-a-glass-of-champagne-grasped-in

EXTRA [THIS SECTION WILL NOT INFLUENCE ACCEPTANCE]

How would you feel about this character dying?: Honestly, I would be willing to cooperate if I felt as if the plot really needed it. If the character’s death is quintessential with progression, then I’m not opposed… as long as I’m allowed to apply for another character maybe ??

Why did you choose this character?: While I’m honestly a sucker for Jack Falahee, I have an incredibly deep fascination with the ‘hidden monster’ trope. Characters with these deep, monstrous flaws that cause them to be the victim of constant self-loathing are my kryptonite. As someone who often deals with crippling and often intrusive thoughts from anxiety and whatnot, I can personally relate to the feeling of not quite seeing yourself the same as others may see me–though of course not to such a severe extent! That would be worrisome. But I digress; I find characters like Jack fascinating. There are a lot of inner demons that are ripe for exploration, ready to be developed and fleshed out. The vices of a character like this make them believable, deep, and interesting. I really want to expand on this, see what makes him as broken as he is. The sinful nature of someone who can’t quite see himself as fully human is intriguing and dangerous.

Extras: (pinterest boards, mock blogs, aesthetic posts, drabbles, etc.)

Mock blog – https://jxckramscy.tumblr.com/

How did you find us?: I follow admin Janelle and clicked through and fell in love !!