#maybe i have an unhealthy obsession
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Does anybody ever get so excited over a post about something they like they stim so much they figure out how to snap and also start crying a bit
#maybe i have an unhealthy obsession#so what#whatcha gonna do about it#yes this post is about total drama#but also it's about nick & hayko#like really about them#i think i may be neurodivergent#save this show with love#and 500 000 dollarsss
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Again, gouache painting I made to relax
#my schedule is alright tomorrow maybe i'll be able to go to the library and do some med work there#i'm. surprised i actually WANT to study but also i still have this unhealthy obsession with drawing. however somehow it's more manageable#like. i actually SIT DOWN AND DO MY WORK?? AND HOMEWORKS??? HELLO???#but the. catch is my emotions are even more confusing and i am so ashamed of them i bottle them up AHAAA guess who will probably#--do vent art#i. need to see a medical professional#for this and. understand better how my brain works also. and. transgender moment (i am NOT passing guys)#toaster talks#rant#toaster draws#my art#omori au#omofalls#omofalls au#omori basil#traditonal art#gouache painting#gouache#sketchbook art#omori
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countdown to binnie’s bday
↳ d-2: changbin x star wars
#stray kids#changbin#seochangbinet#createskz#bystay#staysource#jypartists#malegroupsnet#seo changbin#stray kids edits#stray kids changbin#skz#my.edits#changbinbday2023#i have an unhealthy obsession with star wars so this was a v fun project for me!!!#was gonna do a shinee x bin edit but some of them were awful so maybe i'll try again next year#also if ur an absolute fucxing nerd like me and can read aurabesh . there's some fun lil tidbits!#had to give him a pink lightsaber but i can also see him with blue!!!#was torn between placing him on nar shadaa corellia or ord mantel but nar shadaa is my fav so !#it's like a space las vegas what isn't there to love#also i handmade the lightsaber beam so ! v proud of myself it took forever to get just right
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Betty is so relatable I would do the same shit for my wife
#simon petrikov#original#at#the moment where she declares that she's jumping into the future to save him. just pure save-husband impulse#and maybe she made the wrong choice but I felt the emotion in my gut and that's good tragedy baby#I would do the same thing and then be in the future and realize I probably fucked up but also what else could I do but#devote my entire life and sanity to saving her after I have destroyed every other option??#it's not healthy necessarily but a fucking apocalypse happened and her wife is in eternal torment. what else could she possibly do??#I'm just obsessed with the attitude she has towards saving him and how it turns from joyful heroism to unhealthy obsession#I have a much healthier relationship with my wife. but also she's never been driven mad by a magical crowd for a thousand years!#and Betty did it!! y'all can argue about whether Ice King was better than Simon and I think he must make peace with every part of himself#but it is extremely consistent in the original series that being Ice King is basically this existentially horrifying Eternal torture#so the fact that someone who loved him decided they would save him from that at all costs is very sad and very beautiful#beautiful because no one deserves to suffer forever. tragic because she was far to willing to take his place if she had to.#betty grof#fionna and cake#golbetty#golb#*driven mad by a magical crown#you forgot your floaties#edit: upon rewatching every episode with betty in it i will say i don't think i would be so hellbent on murdering the person she had become#betty does act selfishly and it makes her character more compelling#but i like to think if my wife went banana-pants ice-king-level bonkers i would be able to love that version of her too#but who's to say whether this story would be the reason I responded differently?#it's a good story
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Ouhhhhhhhh the imagery of ripping out your own heart to present it to someone with shaking hands as blood soaks your clothes and stains the floor
#gore#I’m soooo normal abt when cute phrase but literal and gross and in your guts#also tho#whatever the fuck remora and Redivi have going on. I’m obsessed with them a little bit#unforch I’m on abt reds and purples and somehow that’s stopping me from being on abt homoerotic consumption 😔 mayb that’ll fix itself after#a while when I rember Pyrric is gold not just yellow. it’s the metallic that make the difference#out OUHHHHHHH WHEN GORE AND UNHEALTHY DEVOTION#also it’d be less direct gore with eiteth due to the he’s. not a fan of pain?? but for the dramatics it will grow an extra heart and expel#it just to hand it to Appari if the moment calls for it. it’s not bloody but that also means u don’t have a mess to clean up#eiteth isn’t the so much abt it but she can still have imagery as a treat. they’re dramatic <3
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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The obviously endgame straight couple becoming canon being one of the most controversial moments of Tokyo Ghoul fandom history will never not be funny to me
#i posted dis on twt already but whatevs#it’s funny#’most controversial animanga moments of all time’ and it’s fucking touken lmfaooo#ik im not a shipper and i don’t understand shipping (*crowd boos but it’s cool*) but genuinely what did ppl think???#In what world was hidekane or shuuneki ever going to become canon like be fuckkng fr#shuuneki should never be canon imo idgaf - like idc abt ppl shipping it: cute. u do u boo. im happy 4 u.#but imo i think it being canon would defeat the purpose of shuu’s arc.#Maybe just my bpd/projecting of him but idk. growing past ur unhealthy obsession feels like a better ending than having it fulfilled#in an ideal world they’d have a healthy relationship but idk. i wouldn’t mind it but i think growing as an individual is better#gunk#tg gunk#Ramble in tags#I still dk why ppl were so mad abt touken tho#tokyo ghoul#tokyoghoulcore
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Love is a Losing Game (trailer)
for @cha-melodius💗 i loved Loving You is a Losing Game so much i couldn't not make this edit
i hope u like it💕
#ok so it is not the most serious thing i have ever made#BUT#i really like it and i think it is slay#and i love the fic so so so so so so much#everyone should read it actually#trust#i was yapping at my mom about it this morning#about ch8 (or maybe 9) how when napoleon is like no he won't defect cuz his mom he hates me#and i told my mom and we were both like my man is so silly like it's not every day illya TALKS ABOUT HIS MOM#and then also ch8 n the fanart i made#my obsession w this fic is unhealthy and very much A Thing™ but oh well#this fic is just so good and i wanna bite it#napollya#napoleon solo#illya kuryakin#edits#my edits#tmfu edits#love is a losing game#fic edits#fic trailer#tmfu#lucia edits
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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I might probably start smoking or drinking sooner or later. Or maybe both
#no seriously i will say some heavy things in this tags so just be warned#i deal w a heavy heavy weight and my life is very shitty#i like living. sometimes. but my life is terrible yeah#i like finding unhealthy coping mechanisms because i know theyre unhealthy and I shouldn't be doing them so i have something else to worry#about.#i was formerly addicted to sh. i cant do it anymore cause ppl keep checking my arm and ugh i hate this#i am obsessed now w sweets. candy and energy drinks#mainly monster because its tasty. and i never drinked the other ones. im scared of trying new things ngl#my eyes are getting yellow and i am anemic already#i wont stop because i like having this to worry about.#“fuck i should stop doing this this is making my health terrible”#so i forget about my little shitty life#i am probably going to start smoking or drinking. or maybe both#i just wont vape because i have a lot of things agaisnt ppl who vape /silly#fuck i'm so young and like i live like if i was 25#someone should give me a pacifier and chocolate milk#i was not supposed to be living like that#🍷.txt#special#i probably just want someone to worry.
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yknow, whenever V starts going on about how what he and Rika had wasn't love it was obsession, I'm like... why can't both be true? Does it have to be one or the other? They were definitely obsessed with each other--or really, the idealized versions of each other they had in their heads--but that doesn't mean there was no love. Love and obsession together aren't healthy, but they're not mutually exclusive either. Both their ways of loving were unhealthy and rooted in each of their traumas, but that doesn't mean it wasn't real, yknow?
#dunno I'm just thinking thoughts#maybe i relate a little too much to V when he's with rika#love can turn into obsession but that doesn't mean the love went away#or that it wasn't love to begin with#it's just transformed into something unhealthy and dangerous#mysme#mystic messenger#v mysme#v mystic messenger#jihyun kim#kim jihyun#jihyun mysme#jihyun mystic messenger#rika kim#kim rika#rika mysme#rika mystic messenger#luc rambles#listen..... i was definitely obsessed with a girl who was obsessed with me when we were teens#and i have no doubt that if she started a cult or something I'd've let her#I did say to a different friend once that she could punch me in the face and i probably wouldn't care and they were. VERY upset by this#you do dumb shit when you're obsessed w someone
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loki season two has me screaming crying throwing up trying not to get dragged back into the mcu trenches
#i am stronger than this. i am better than this!!#by the trenches i mean consuming fanfiction at an unhealthy rate. fourteen year old me was insane i think i was on ao3 more than i slept#that’s not exaggeration. i was getting four hours of sleep on school nights and frequently went to bed at 5am on weekends#it is ONE good story. one. literally not worth it. i don’t even care about ninety percent of the mcu characters#i will ignore the little voice in my head reminding of the sheer amount of fanfiction. this was my pre-tumblr days#so my fandom interaction was like. youtube and ao3. maybe instagram posts sometimes. it was so much fun like. zero drama zero discourse#i was honestly living my best life. got less interested when i joined tumblr and went full doctor who mode#and after endgame i watched i think wandavision and loki and that was it. just didnt care anymore lol#i know exactly why this is happening tho. currently the thing i am insane about is my own damn project. which i am in the process of writin#for obvious reasons no fandom there. bc it lives in my mind twenty four fucking seven#i do wonder if i’m kind of growing away from fandom anyway? the closest i’ve got since toh ended was homestuck tbh#i want to feel obsessed with something again!! everything i’m into now - tma tlt and the like - i love them#but it doesnt hit like it used to. i don’t know it’s hard to explain#like video essays that i would have loved a few years ago!! the hour long ones about representation and queer media#they just irritate me now! i got halfway through one last week and had to bail i just could not care less#how did 2020 social media have me convinced that x character being gay was super important politically economically socially etc#ofc the answer is that i was a baby lesbian getting even less social interaction than normal#like representation is important obviously but also. sometimes it was not that deep#i don’t know if i’m making sense tbh but you get my drift#morganposting
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→ drawing the same pose over and over again and feels cringe
→ realizes that these drawings are simply pre-ref drawings to figure out one's design so I can Draw Them
→ no longer feels cringe
#jic ur wondering why all of them are drawn w that same arms out legs semi open pose#do i obsessively worry about this to an unhealthy degree? yeah#do people not verbally tell me that seeing me draw the same pose over and over again is Boring or Lame or stupid or smth? yes but i get#like. stupidly anxious and start thinking about things like that which i obviously know probably isn't the case and that in actuality#no one cares about how i draw more than i do#but it's still difficult not to ruminate on thoughts of people subconsciously rolling their eyes at my art because its so plain and boring#and static and stiff and it doesnt feel lively and dynamic like the artists i aspire to be like#but then i also remember im only just starting my art journey. by this year I'll only have been drawing for 4 years. 4 YEARS.#which seems like alot honestly? especially w the progress I've made#but most; if not everyone who isn't me have spent 7+ YEARS of drawing and i remind myself that. oh#yeah! im on the same path they were#maybe they had the same issues i did#but ill get through it :) i want to experiment more this year w my art#i say that but i need to COMMIT#i need to commit. to actually put in effort to learn posing and perspective instead of trying to lazily scrawl color on a digital canvas#but it all seems so daunting#but; you know; in time it'll come. seeing the difference only a few months has done to my art is also truly refreshing#it lets me know that im still learning and improving my technique and that really helps iron out any anxieties i have.#sorry this got super rambly super quickly lol
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My Dennis/Percy brain rot is still going very very strong
so ima talk about them some more instead of doing something productive like actually writing a second fic for then
(I mean i will write a second fic at some point for them because i do think my first attempt didn't do them justice but not right now)
I already talked about Dennis's perspective in my OG Dennis/Percy post but I never went more into Percy's so I'm going to do that now
Like with Dennis what Percy thinks he needs and what he actually needs are two very different things
Like Dennis He thinks he just needs something that feels normal something that makes it easier to put all the negative feelings he's been trying to ignore from not only the war and Fred death but also from the way the rest of the family has been treating him since them because of his own actions
which is why during those first few years he clings so heavily to George
because for Percy taking care of both of the twins was something that fell to him more often then it didn't over the years so it feels natural to try to help him as much as he can
even if in this situation George pushes him away alot in the beginning.
But even with him pushing him away it still gives Percy something to focus on that doesn't send him spiraling as much as his job now does
Which granted him pushing Percy away also feels pretty normal as well
Point is eventually George does actually start to heal
He gets with Angelina and Percy finds himself at a loss again
because now he cant push all of his attempts to help onto Geroge anymore and unlike Geroge he hasnt been healing he'd just been ignoring the feelings and pushing them on to another
Choosing to put someone else's needs over his in an attempt to not fall into a pit of despair type vibe
Putting his happiness into someone else with the thought process that
When their happy
He'll also be happy
but that's not how that works
So now George doesn't seem to need him and now now he's back to drinking the pain away
back to taking on any project work will give him that he can throw himself fully into
He's still not healing
He's still stagnate
until he finds someone who seems to need him
someone to pour all of his energy into
So when he finds Dennis in that abandoned corridor breaking down and Percy's able to calm him he feels awake again for the first time in months.
And when Dennis accepts Percy's offer of talking more in the future Percy finds himself actually looking forward to something again.
He doesn't drink himself to sleep that night not wanting to miss the owl if it happens to come.
also i made yet another picrew <3
#percy weasley#dennis creevey#Dennis Creevey/Percy Weasley#i love this unhealthy relationship very much the brain worms are very bad still#i keep switching between wanting them to stay unhealthy and wanting to find a way for them to actually really help each other#anyway i think they should be obsessed with each other#I wish their were more picrews with two characters#also still haven't figured out Dennis' hair but thats ok maybe one day#i don't think ive had so many actual like real thoughts about a Percy ship like this before#like alot of my Percy ship thoughts tend to sum up to be just#“I think it would be neat”#so its a bit odd that i keep having thoughts about them#Denperce
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I bet I could recognise Rhys from just his hair alone, like show me a bunch of headshots cropped off to show only the part from just under the hairline upwards and I probably could tell you if it's him or not
#i mean maybe it's not even a skill and we could all do it but still#and i guess the fact that i have probably accidentally memorised background details of some of the more popular photos#could be considered cheating#or maybe not because#either way it proves an unhealthy level of obsession xp#rhys darby
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