#many self-inflicted

[viric-dreams]

I think one of Jones’ most interesting relationships is between him and the vicar of his church. He’s without question the person Jones is most open with. The man’s known him since his first days in London, connected through the prison’s priest. Especially in those early days, Jones was not in the best state, adjusting to a very sudden and jarring change both physically and mentally, and the vicar had offered him a supporting arm in getting back on his feet and reintegrating into polite society. Jones is incredibly cautious about revealing the extent of what troubles him, but in the early days he was in a far worse position to be able to mask it. The vicar offered support however he could and did not press or question. To this day, that’s made him one of the most important people Jones has. The pair of them are long since on first name basis, and Jones’ visits are more often than not social ones, though he does often come to him for spiritual guidance.

In the months that he was being blackmailed and convinced that the Game was trying to sweep him off of the board, he had spoken to the vicar, had spent many evenings with him. He couldn’t be entirely forthright (the truth of his profession will always hang as a secret between them), and he deeply fears the spiritual and earthly repercussions of revealing to someone the extent of what he feels is ‘wrong’ with him, his most troubled thoughts and feelings. But he’s broached the subject as far as he dares to, come to him seeking some sort of advice or guidance.

Jones knows perfectly well he had no right to snap at the man. It was his attitude, his stress, his own moral failing that had led those venomous words lurking just under the surface to slip free from his mouth. And worse yet, the vicar knew, knew that he’d lost control and lashed out. He wasn’t truly angry, hadn’t even properly banished him. Simply told him to leave until he’d gotten his temper in check. The shame of it pouring benzine on that fire. He couldn’t go back. And with that door slammed shut on his way out his already atrophied social circle narrowed even more. Shortly after, he’d left for the surface, desperate to put some distance between himself and all of the mistakes and discomforts up until that point.

Which is perhaps not the wisest move, when weeks before he’d told the vicar should he disappear without warning to contact those closest to him and deliver the personal effects he’d set aside for them.

It’s one of many relationships Jones is going to have to work to salvage when he eventually returns.

[homehauntsyou]

i think a lot about the idea of sam’s relationship to sh (both the widely recognized types and the more subtle types). in my mind it would start as a sort of self-punishment (pre-series after a hunt that doesn’t go well and he finds the pain of an injury grounding / reminding) and then continues it as a combination of punishment & cleansing until s7, where it would transfer over into pain as a connection to reality / control over his body (he’s getting scars from hunting but he’s getting more scars from himself so that means more in the end). s8 would kind of be a movement back into the cleansing state of mind (embracing & valuing the pain from the trials) but post-09x10 would very firmly be about re-finding security within his body. anyways the sam in my head has sh scars

[timetravelstudies]

This got long and annoying so its under a cut now

The way in the fight w the museum director insul gets the same big injuries he has given trianon (so far), aand particularly the ones that T thinks back on often as specific sources of fear/humiliation/control (pepper sprayed in the eyes; kicked in the balls; choked with smth small and thin ((wire / car window)))….. im too tired to formulate a proper Thought abt this but the fact this all happens right in front of tjat one painting of dante & virgil in hell + insul and the director are in the exact same pose right as insul is about to die* is obviously so meant to evoke the idea of contrappasso….. at this stage trianon isnt “””strong””” enough (doesnt understand Insul enough and most importantly doesnt fully inhabit himself and his own strengths) to be able to pay back Insul’s violence (as he does later, though not in such a literal way anymore) so tje director will do for now🥰 bc they both need to descend into hell they both need to be subject to physical and psychological violence in order to strip down layers……. so its cool how the director serves that purpose for this phase 1 both in story for insul himself (who eats shit in this fight) and also as a sort of alert for the reader like make no mistake they are BOTH gonna get put thru the ringer. even the top has to wade through cocytus! or smth

[occulee]

Dread.

[rapidhighway]

avoidance is my fucking doom man, i know i should go to class but i fucking cant get myself to

[spottedgardeneelstan]

grow your own husband!

…

look, i really don’t know. it came down to me like a prophecy, as usual, and i had to purge it from my system. you know the deal by now.

[hsfavoriteworlds]

I've been sitting on my feelings about this show for a couple of days now and I can't stop thinking about how lonely Yeong is. Nothing captures his self-inflicted loneliness quite like those small moments in episode 7 when he’s with the T-aras. When they are comforting Eun Su and then head to the hotel room, you see him just hang back, silently observing and slightly confused as the T-aras walk ahead and/or barge into the room while he stays behind for a second or two. It hits you then—you can feel the weight of his solitude, this deep sense of loneliness that goes beyond his romantic life. It’s all in how he carries himself in those moments that are supposed to be chaotic and fun, how he’s not walking in step with them. It's a constant reminder of how he isolates himself even when surrounded by his closest friends, and that just.... hurts.

[hellofastudysession]

am i rlly going to write a death note literary analysis when i could be doing other things

about the discourse going on in the tag abt "death note is acab and thats why the characters couldnt better the world with the note (/written in somewhat jokey matter)" vs "death note is trying to say we all have potential for evil, especially if you get a chance to insta-hurt ppl without repercussions, and it doesnt matter if youre a cop or not", i personally feel like it ignores the things that i like abt death note, which is "both of these things are true", and simultaneously "both of these things do not matter". the first part of this is dedicated to the first point, the latter to the last.

first point. i think its an important part of the message and themes (unintentional or not, and i lean on the former because... come on, can you really say the author intended you to not think of the cops as good people, at least compared to light and l) that light is a cops son, and that almost everyone who gets the death note is cop adjacent/thinks like a cop and is already corrupt/powerful when they get it (mello raised to think hed be just like l, yotsuba group is self explanatory; you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me teru "churchill" mikami, who was hand selected by light out of a bunch of rabid kira supporters, is a normal citizen). i appreciated the cop post bc its rlly important to not gloss over that aspect.

all of this would be an argument for "only someone like them would do something like this, and i am not like them, so im above them and immune to thinking about what id do with it", but... misa is the MOST important outlier in all of this bc her murders are solely selfish in nature and shes not doing any of this for "the greater good"!!! her nature of being an exception and still a very very bad person is really really important...

or it would be if death note gave a shit about her character at all!!! im not talking about her tragic side, im talking about exploring the ramifications of her killing people the way lights murders are (somewhat) explored. that would strengthen the message greatly! but shes dismissed and that weakens it overall. firstly, she's dismissed by the characters when l only sees her as a way to get to kira and basically shelves her the rest of the time. secondly, shes dismissed by the narrative when her character is gradually ground down to a stump and (not to sound perilously close to the bad takes ppl meme about) she never faces repercussions for her actions. every other character using the death note is treated relatively seriously, but misa just dies bc her love is dead. im not saying this isnt a... fitting punishment or that it isnt in character, but it doesnt fit snugly into the theme other people are talking about of "you reap what you sow" at all.

we do have something of an equivalent to misa's grayscale motives. surprise surprise, its light yagami. first is light's characterization in the musical (i will also note that misa never kills anyone in the musical). light's thinking is coplike, yes — he literally starts his first song by talking about "throw[ing] away the key" — but also, oddly enough, could be read as progressive and therefore sympathetic to tumblr ("let the corporations make the regulations / and hold no one accountable when everything gets wrong / let the rich and famous get away with murder / every time a high-priced mouthpiece starts to talk, his client gets to walk"). compare to the anime and manga, where his bigotry and pride and disgust come from a place of lukewarm dissatisfaction and boredom. the musical has much less time to play around with lights character, so it gives the audience something to immediately hook on. more on how that actually plays out later.

in the animanga, none of this is justified from the start. animanga light could say he was just killing people to make humanity way, way worse, and that wouldnt matter, because at the root of it, it was always his boredom that made him pick up the note. of course he actually believes in justice and believes hes doing the right thing (no, he believes he's doing the wrong thing, for the sake of the world... the right thing, because he is god...), but it was boredom at the start. all animanga light says about justice and righteousness and the law is a front in the end, bc he is exactly like l and misa — amoral. selfish. searching for entertainment. hedonistic. we know this. he kills naomi misora*. he kills lind l. turner. everything hes saying deserves to be dismissed from the beginning.

"but doesnt that mean you agree with the discourse post you wrote this post to argue against?" like i said, i agree with both of them! but i... still think its not right to reduce death note to the message of "the power to kill people is bad". because that is not exactly what the story is saying, even though that's literally its whole plot and therefore reaching that conclusion is self explanatory (lmao). let's look at the concept of mu. nothingness. "there's no heaven or hell". The Real Slay The Princess (Death Note Essay) Starts Here.

in light's final moments in the death note manga, while screaming about not wanting to die, he remembers that the first day they met, ryuk told light that "there's no heaven or hell. no matter what they do in life, all people go to the same place. all humans are equal in death". it is retroactively revealed that light knew this the whole time, operated under this knowledge for all the years we watched him — the knowledge that nothing he does is actually bad, that nothing any human does is actually bad, that shinigami are not "evil", that the universe does not care. that no one cares except humans. this oblivion absolutely terrifies him more than anything anyone could ever do to him. its what he thinks of before anything else as he flails there, screaming, dying. one could say everything he does after that day is him trying to escape that fact, or wrest control over it. but it doesnt work.

here are the lyrics of requiem, the musical's final song, sung over the bodies of l and musical light, a light who was at least somewhat good-intentioned at first: "sleep now, here among your choices / then fade away / hear how the world rejoices / shades of gray / gone who was right or wrong / who was weak or strong / nothing left to learn". this is the final message the death note musical and the manga chose to leave us with. there is no judgement. even after all that acknowledged hurt, after all the damage done, there is no judgement.

in the manga and anime alike, the world is just as fucked when light picks up the death note as when he dies. sure, we as readers can guess otherwise logically (and be optimistic, believing the world was never fucked regardless), but that's not what death note wants you to think. it ends with matsuda and another member of the task force noting how the world is worse again even though they killed kira (matsuda is clearly much worse for wear, but still determined), we see the shitty motorcycle band again, it ends with misa and a whole kira cult on a mountain even though kira died a long time ago...

its extremely important that light is never killed by any human or any aspect of the law. he is always killed by ryuk: a chaotic force completely detached from human sensibilities, one that does not care about good and evil. same with l; in the anime, manga, and musical, he is always killed by rems senseless, morally gray love (and you could argue in the kdrama that hes killed by love there too lol). justice is just a set dressing.

this is not just because death note is a tragedy, because good and evil can still matter in a tragedy. the theme of "nothingness" and "good and evil doesnt matter here" is also shown in a situation relatively unrelated to light winning or losing, or being good or bad. and its in fucking lawlight of all things. we all know ls not a good person. we know lights not a good person. this is tip of the iceberg death note knowledge. but the moment they start to interact, none of that starts to matter. textually, their relationship becomes more important than the people theyve killed and hurt. and the thing is? the thing is? THAT WORKS STORY-WISE. THAT'S ENTERTAINING. AND IT'S NEVER TEXTUALLY CALLED OUT IN A LASTING WAY. l and lights relationship, no matter how much i meme it, is genuinely important to the themes and "mu" because it makes it clear that despite all the pretensions, despite everything, this was never about good and evil. and it still works in the story. this is why death note is simultaneously a comedy — isn't the battle of good and evil supposed to matter more? well, fine, i'll keep watching this anyway. that suspension of disbelief comes crashing down the moment l dies, though, and a relationship built on nothingness (the "mu" sort, meaninglessness, not "character development" nothingness, theres plenty of character development) gives way to just nothingness (again, "mu", not light's post-l depression nothingness), forever.

(an aside: there is no one to root for in death note, and the only things to root for are either interesting character relationships, convoluted plots, or complete and total destruction: for everything to end so no more damage is done.)

not to say that death note does not encourage its readers to consider what damage they might do with the death note (obviously.), or that its characters never do. look at matsuda, a much easier heroic figure to latch on to than soichiro because of his unique place in the cast dynamic and because he's willing to consider both sides of the situation and kill light instantly for all he's done. its just that the story's own stance on the subject is... complicated by the existence of shinigami worldviews and by its own insistence that the world cannot change for the better.

also, this is not to say that this is executed well by the death note manga at all. it is a very strong tool, artistically, to establish and then violently remove any emotional connections between characters and make your story only about the exceedingly convoluted lengths characters go to to survive and catch each other so the reader can realize how ultimately pointless all of this is, but like... is that a good story choice if that's all you do? i would say not really. add in a good dollop of misogyny that destroys the second-to-last character who might actually be an interesting contrast to the rest of the cast's dull one-track focus on winning and justice, and youve got yourself a shitty story that... honestly still achieves what it went out to do, just not in a way id ever want to replicate.

anyway, back to the parts death note's actually trying to say. no matter what any human does in their life, no matter how they try to hurt or help the world, they all die in the end. hey, light, they all die in the end. once dead, they can never come back to life. and the seasons turn. and the world rejoices. and you say "goodbye"...

that's all.

no analysis of death notes overarching theme would be complete without nears final monologue, the definitive roast of light, the "you're just a murderer" speech: "what is right from wrong? what is good from evil? nobody can truly distinguish between them. even if there is a god." if we take this as talking about the actual god in the room (ryuk) as well as light, then near admits that humans will never be able to withstand these overwhelming forces and that, using justice and happiness and selfishness, they are just scrabbling to find meaning in things they ultimately have no control over.

but of course, near does not stop there. "[...] even then i'd stop and think for myself. i'd decide for myself whether his teachings are right and wrong." nears alright with not having control over everything, because near can still control nears own actions. these forces can and do exist, but they have no sway over nears own humanity — unlike light, who caved.

one of the creators of death note said they believe its message is "life is short, so everyone should do their best". the first time i learned this, i was like, thats... nice and optimistic, but an awful reading of the story! "life is short, so everyone should be desperate and striving like light yagami", who literally cut off other ppls lives for his own life? what character in death note are we supposed to strive towards when we "do our best"? they all do awful things with their lives! honestly, maybe they shouldnt have tried their best, if this is what their best is!

but with the view of "mu"... it makes a bit more sense. just a little. maybe.

there is no good and evil. there is only what humans think, and no matter what we do, we all die in the end. it is easy to be crushed and terrified by this in the same way light is, but what is more important than justice and righteousness and finding meaning is... doing your best. not being a person that hurts others too much. not letting yourself get swallowed up by an ideal. not going too far. and simultaneously, trusting yourself.

it leaves a few questions, though... was the currently dead l even a little bit right about his blatantly amoral approach, then? was there a point to this pain, and me slogging through this dumbass manga, and all the people that have lost their lives to a selfish teenage cop's son and the whims of everyone chasing after him? was there a point to any of this...?

the manga** never answers this. it stays clinically impartial until the very end. the musical is anything but clinically impartial (and i love it so much for that), and its ryuk that has the last word.

"there's no point at all."

of course theres no point. none of this was ever supposed to happen. that is what matters more than all the hurt and the crimes and the pain.

and that's... actually okay, because it's over now.

yes, death note has many really important themes present in its story, but its viewpoint is nihilism first and foremost. thats why its so fun and easy to play around with all the other messages, because no matter what fun or torment or awful things or righteous justice or absolute nothingness or sentimentality happens in between, there is always an end.

there is always the end.

[astrolotte]

Genuinely intrigued by the potential of Peri and Irep's dynamic but only in a platonic way so I end up not vibing with the fandom's portrayal of it 😔😔😔

(No but listen LISTEN they were kinda-almost-friends when we last saw them in FOP, yeah? Now they're enemies, with both actively fighting each other, and Irep going so far as to try and kill Peri's parents. What happened? When? What influenced it? Did they ever become friends, or did it nosedive the moment the cameras turned off? What about Sammy? How do Irep's parents factor into this? Could it ever be fixed? There's just so much we haven't seen, and romance just feels like too easy a solution to me. Let their friendship be easy to break, fragile. Let them have to work to keep the connection. Fairies and Anti-Fairies are literally made to be opposites, so what happens when two genuinely and truly become friends?)

((and yeah I guess a lot of this could factor into a romantic angle but ALAS the fandom seems to be leaning heavily into the funny toxic yaoi angle 😔 I don't mind it! By all means, please have your very harmless fun! But it ain't my jam :P Perhaps I'll have to write a oneshot myself...))

(((see tags for more rambles i guess. whoops a bitch spoke too much in there as he always does)))

[corpsentry]

at the asian american studies sponsored movie screening i run out of my seat to press a button for the presenter and you look away, not in shame, but in anger

go make your own movie.

One where you’re the star

and everything’s my fault

the way you want it to be. I know, it’s easy

to let someone else hold this grief

and sit in the bathtub,

all dressed up to go to the party.

Maybe in this movie it’s your party

and I the party crasher,

holding cymbals and a baseball bat, et cetera.

But we don’t stop getting older when we’re angry

and you’re only twenty,

can’t listen to lullabies at night,

can’t sleep without a blanket

over your head like you’re scared

of your own shadow. God, go

write your own movie.

You could do it,

you’re still

pretty. Angry? Me too.

The bathtub’s overflowing,

the bathroom’s flooding

with whatever you couldn’t say

to the poet with their palms glued shut

in a cheap simulacrum of prayer.

Didn’t you say you were tired? Angry? Me too.

Upset? Unhappy? Me too. Hungry? Lonely? Me too. Me too.

Standing barefoot in the grass

I remembered the month of bad weather.

How I parted the fog with broken hands each night,

looking for your voice.

Oh, I will not forgive you.

Not like this.

With your fingers splayed

against the brute February sky,

lips cracked open like windows,

waiting, like you always are, for me to say the first word.

[tekkenenjoyerblue]

“What a shame…You were almost entertaining”

[silvertiefling]

SHOUTOUT TO ALU @murderreign foR COMMISSIONING THE BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED FUNGI @bloodyarn !!!!!! LOOK AT HERRRR MY LOVE KATYA

[softshuji]

I feel like the most vulnerable izana ever is during aftercare. And it goes both ways. He needs a lot of it, needs to be reassured that he didn't hurt you, that he did well, that you love him, that you liked it etc etc, but for him himself he gets so soft and almost shy. Somehow can't look at you in the eyes, keeps giving you those feathery light touches on your skin likes he's afraid he'll burn you, keeps asking if you're okay, if you need something etc etc and you're a bit baffled that it's the same person.

[spacedlexi]

violentine literally has everything. tension to friends to lovers. i wall myself off from people to keep myself safe but theres something about you. we understand each other. going against your group to stand up for this person and what you believe is right. "i saw that you were in danger and i just acted without thinking". battle team. co leaders. "ive lost so many people and i cant lose you too i wont". struggling single parent finding someone who supports her And her kid. not-so-ex-girlfriend one of the main villains. go to war together. captured together. escape together but lost in the chaos and later reuniting. twice. fighting ex together. twice. making it back (mostly) safe and sound and building a real home worth fighting for together

BUT theyre in a choice game so you can also have: betrayal. manipulated by not-so-ex-girlfriend in a moment of severe weakness into agreeing with the wrong side. fighting against each other (and later apologizing). severe injury? DEATH?? no matter what a sacrifice is Made???

[arolesbianism]

I am once again being haunted by "a paradox" holy fuck Olivia what the fuck is going on here what did you get yourself involved with and what did you do after it speak to me Olivia I can't keep living like this

[kelpweedkelpweedingkelpweeds]

Rewriting Fated and I am back with another theory/headcanon

I wonder if Mare was the 1st person who made Cal fear death. Not in the way of "I live solely for her", as before GS Cal always had the burden of being the future king of Norta. RQ Cal had many things to live for, the duty to his country and to inherit his father's legacy.

But to me RQ Cal seemed like someone who didn't think of death as a big deal. He was a weapon of the crown first and foremost, and he had long accepted that his death would probably be a glorious one in battle. He didn't seem to care if he didn't live to see another day, as long as he served his purpose. Perhaps his father or Maven would mourn him, but Cal had made peace with that idea.

Then Mare came along and suddenly the prospect of dying became terrifying. He realised that someone out there actually cared if he came back alive, that if he died he would never see her ever again. He feared the fate that war might bring him, because he couldn't bear to see the anguish in her eyes as she looked at him like he was about to die.

I'd like to think that Chapter 17 of RQ was the first time Cal ever explicitly hated the pre-war ceremony. He was always ok with them, a lot of talking but still tolerable, then for the 1st time in his life he saw someone sad to see him go and all he could think of while laughing with his father was the way she held onto him like she didn't want to let go and that he didn't want to leave her. That he was going to make it out alive, because the idea of her looking at what remained of his corpse destroyed him on the inside.