#malewife jason todd

[couldeatthatgirlforlunch]

A Day in Life

Synopsis: A day in the life of Jason Todd. Also, he's a househusband now. Oh, and a little plot twist.

Pairing: Househusband!Jason Todd X Gn!Reader; Platonic!Batfam

Tw: Canon level angst for Jason; Some sexual innuendos; Writer apparently doesn't know how to finish a story anymore; This is pretty slice-of-life so maybe boring?; English is not my first language.

Word count: 3,8k

Requested? No.

General masterlist | A Day in Life - Series masterlist

Wake up, make out, get up. First steps of your everyday routine. Sometimes making out turns into something more, but not today.

From his past life, as Robin, Jason learned a lot about discipline. As much as he tried to forget everything and everyone from his past before you, some habits die hard, although with time, with you and with therapy, he accepted that not all of his experience was bad or should be thrown away just because of one sociopathic clown who hurt him. Yes, Jason died, came back angry and did a lot of shit. But he was still alive and this could be a second chance.

While you, his darling spouse, get ready for work, Jason gets up, puts on his apron, fills the dog bowl for Daphne — your little brown dachshund that you adopted together four months after getting married —, opens the doors to the garden, so the dog can do whatever, and finally starts making breakfast and lunch. Breakfast so you two can eat together and lunch for you to eat at work. Sometimes you both meet up and eat together at your office or a restaurant. Today, that's not the case.

Simple yogurt with fresh fruits and nuts, coupled with a slice of chocolate cake he baked the day prior, eggs, toast and coffee for breakfast. As for your lunch box, a natural sandwich, salad, fruits and juice. He also fills up your two liter water bottle, so you feel pressured have no excuse but to stay hydrated.

Food. Until he was 12 his relationship with food was complicated, to stay the least. At first, his beloved but troubled mom would be in no condition to cook him three or more nice and fulfilling meals a day for a growing boy, he either had to learn and make do with quick instant food, eggs and old bread, or starve, since money was something he only saw when it was being handled to her drug dealer. His father was even worse. Jason loved his mom. Still suffers for her. He hated his father who was the one making her addiction worse. He’s still happy he died.

Living on the streets, food was a dream. A bad dream. It either came from trash or he had to do things that made him feel humiliated and guilty just to get some. And it was gone in a flash, he was so hungry he devoured it all in a second, and then his belly hurt.

Then he came. Jason loved his new father. Loved his new grandfather. Loved their food. So healthy, abundant and full of taste. So fun to prepare. He learned a lot from Alfred because he loved to spend time with him, play with the ingredients and make everyone and himself happy with the results.

But then he had those memories wiped out of his mind, (un)fortunately they came back, but at that time food was in the back of his mind. Sure, he didn't have to worry about starving, crime paid more than enough for that, but he didn't put much thought into any of it.

Now, with you, he's making new memories with food. He cooked and baked a lot with you and for you throughout all your relationship, and you did the same for him. He loves his kitchen, just like the rest of your house. The pantry and fridge are always full thanks to you. You take good care of him. You make his trust in you be worth it. And he reciprocates it. Healthy and nice food that brings comfort and makes you roll your eyes. Especially after he started frequenting cooking classes as a hobby, again, thanks to you.

After you are gone with a full belly and a pet in the ass (just like him, honestly), he continues his routine. He changes clothes and goes to the gym. Jason never stopped exercising, but the lack of all the activity vigilantism entails and with all the treats you two have, he started getting more soft. You loved it, he hated it. — Okay he didn't hate it, he just wasn't the most happy with it. Roy thought it was kinda funny, until Jason pointed out he also got softer after Lian. You honestly couldn't see why all that softness they were talking about was so bad since they were still very muscular and defined, just less dry and more snuggly. You honestly thought your Jaybird could go even further. — So the addiction of yoga to his routine happened.

After that, he goes straight home, eats, showers, takes care of his appearance to keep looking like a proper hubby that you can shove on your bitter frenemies faces, and makes sure to keep the maintenance of the house, so you can come back tired from work and enjoy a perfect house to rest on.

Hygiene. Another things that was complicated with his biological family. His father wouldn't touch a single plate or broom, and would beat and scream at his mom if she didn't put her high (again, because of him) ass up and did the labor. Most often than not, their house was messy, had a bad smell that his little nose was so used to that it's not like he minded, and had insects around. His clothes were dirty hand-me-downs, some fit him, some didn't, a lot of them had holes. His hair tangled and itchy.

When he went to the streets, it just got worse.

Bruce and Alfred fixed that. He finally learned what stink was because he only knew good and neutral scents. His clothes fit him. Everything around him was clean and well-kept. No holes, no stains. Hair always trimmed, soft and clean. Well maintained.

When he came back, cleanliness was basic. Of course he is gonna keep everything around him clean. Habit and common sense, you know? Clothes his size because why the hell would he use hand-me-downs when he can just buy his own? And they had to be the right size for his new 6’2 and almost 200 lbs body. Hair? Whatever. Always washed but as long as it didn't look ridiculous he didn't have time to put much thought on his appearance. He was genuinely surprised you were attracted to him at first sight.

Being with you, he learned to enjoy the little things in life again. Sometimes he finds himself unmoving in front of a random room of the house, or in front of the mirror, trying to grasp if it's all real, If this is really his life, if that's how he looks. His mind flashes memories of his childhood home and his current home. He ignores the memories of the manor not only because of the betrayal he felt for Bruce, but also because the manor was from the Wayne's. He was a Wayne. He is not anymore. This is him. His new house, with you, is what he wished he had growing up. What he always dreamed of. Love. Company. And comfort. He felt all of that while being a Wayne, until he despised the Wayne's. Not the couple that died decades ago or the centuries old descendants. But his father and his siblings.

On days where he doesn't take care of the house, he practices his hobbies. He now has time to do it all, surprising you, his therapist, Roy, and himself, he did cooking, gardening, pottery, crocheting and of course, reading. You paid for all his classes, praised him on his achievements, added his creations to the decor of the house, accompanied him on any event or place related to his interests, gave him his own library in one of the rooms in the house. He even made some friends between middle-aged women and the only other househusband and stay-a-home dad that frequented those places.

It was very funny and cute seeing rough, huge, leather jacket wearing and scarred Jason Todd telling jokes to 50-year-old white moms/grandmas and sometimes even babysitting their kids, pets and plants. You knew he could be a good dad one day if you decided to have kids. He was also more than happy to have just you, Daphne and good friends. And plants.

Warmth. When he was a kid his parents broke the heater during a fight, he wondered if they didn't have money to fix it, even with his father's activities, or if his father just refused to fix it. Anyhow, it was always cold in Gotham, freezing on winter, his dirty clothes with holes didn't help much. The streets didn't seem much different in that aspect. The manor kept him warm when he wasn't seven feet under the dirt, in a casket. When he came back, Jason always wore the warmest of clothes, even while sweating, he didn't know why. Now he did. Your house is always warm. Your body is always warm. Comfort. Your love gave him comfort. Warmth. A reason to live.

Love. His mom. Bruce and Alfred. You.

After he was done and rested for a little, Jason took Daphne for a walk in the way to the grocery shop. He wanted to try a new receipt you saw on tiktok today for dinner and had to get more flour and something for the filling.

After a few minutes of walking on his perfectly nice looking and safe neighborhood — nothing like crime alley. The type of neighborhood he saw on the television and imagined those other happy kids his age living and envied them. Dreamed of being adopted into one of their families while jumping from orphanage to orphanage. It never happened. He just got more abused. And then the manor was so isolated that you could only see mansions and plants all around. So big and far away that they looked empty of life. — he got there and strapped the dog to a post, next to a smiley golden retriever.

He got in and- fuck it, I'm going home. The empanadas can wait another day.

— Jason? Oh my god. Jason! Is that you?! — The infuriatingly familiar loud voice calls out from the middle of the shop and all heads turn to look. Shit, he can't go now without embarrassing himself in front of the cashier of his favorite and most visited shop. So he just nods, takes a basket and walks as if there was nothing interesting happening. It worked with the others costumers, unfortunately, Dick thought it was way too interesting and forgot his own basket that only contained eggs and cereal, and started following him around, this time, with a less surprised tone.

— Hey, Dick. — Jason idly muttered, that just made his coff coff brother indignant.

— Hey, Dick?! What the hell? Where were you? It's been three years! We thought you were dead! Or kidnapped! We never stopped looking for you! We were worried! We mourned! What happened? — Was it bad that Jason didn't want to give him a real answer? Probably. Especially with how much his therapist, who he saw on the days he didn't go to the gym, told him he should try to mend things with his family. So much so that he started actually contemplating it recently. But if he did it, it was going to be on his own time. Not by bumping into them in the grocery store. Oh, well. Jason was always good at adapting. The best.

And wow, three years had passed? Makes sense. Recovery does take time and he's been really happy for a while. Jason still remembers the day he decided to quit everything. It was the same day he decided you were the one, truthfully he always knew you were marriage material, the perfect one for him, out of his league, straight out of his most amazing dreams, peak goal for him, but he wasn't sure if he deserved to be the one you should be stuck with forever. He desperately wanted to, but he had to commit. Ride or die. He loved you, now more than ever, and didn't want to waste your time. He was still a bit messy at the time, but you made it all better, he was a lot better than he was before you came into the picture. You were the right choice. Jason always took you seriously, he was just insecure. So, while still in around eight months of relationship, he quit everything.

He quit his family. He quit vigilantism. He searched for recovery. And a year and a half later, with a little more than two years of dating, he made the big proposal. You married on your three-year anniversary. Got Daphne four months later. It's been around three or four months ever since.

While Dick’s math might not be exact, it is not necessary in this context, the point came across just fine.

He also knew that the fact that you both decided to not leave Gotham was going to bite him in the ass one day. One way or another.

— What happened? Oh, well. I retired. Got married. And now I'm a dad. — Daphne was like a daughter to him, so it was the same, right?

His nonchalant reply didn't seem to satisfy the other, though. Todd could see it, the urge to strangle him in his eyes. Dick wouldn't strangle his dead missing little brother, would he?

— You… You what? — Dick was in disbelief.

— You guys searched for me? Thanks, I guess? It means a lot. — Jason just sniffed and went on his way, leaving Grayson behind, paralyzed.

Maybe he could be fast enough and get out of there before the older one got a grasp of his senses back and followed him out. Part of him felt hope, the other heard yours and his therapist voices in his head, and the nagging was annoying. Maybe he never stopped being a “grump”, like you always amusedly said.

Oh, no. Here he comes again. Jason suppresses an eye-roll.

— Stop. Can you really explain? — The mix of emotions was almost overwhelming, an urge to cry, punch a wall, punch Jason's face, scream and who knows what more was running through Dick's body.

Jason sighed and finally addressed him completely. Tone lower so no one could hear.

— Okay. I met someone… Someone good. Someone special. A civilian. I was tired of everything. So I decided to retire and made sure none of you could find me. I'm surprised Roy and Lian kept the secret from you, though. Anyway. Now I'm a stay-at-home hubby, have a dog and go to therapy. You happy? — A beat of silence. — Hey, don't make that face… I was going to tell you guys eventually… When I felt like it… It's not like you guys saw me a lot. How much time did it take for you all to miss me? I made an appearance once in a while when someone asked for help and that's it. Alfred knew everything so if you’re gonna be mad at anyone, be at him too, not just me… And Roy. Don't forget Roy.

— A-Are you kidding me? Oh, yes, blame the butler! You couldn't even tell us? Like “hey guys, I'm gonna retire and take some time for myself for a while. Also, come to my wedding!” I wanted to be invited, you know?! Why didn't you invite me? Did you at least invite Alfred? Did- — Jason rolled his eyes and cut his rant.

— Yes, Alfred was there. Front row and everything. — Dick shrieked.

— T-That’s not the point! — His voice raised slightly from exasperation and both of them checked around for anyone's attention, then came back to the conversation.

Jason raised a hand to interrupt him and took a deep breath.

— Look. I wasn't in a nice place at the time, okay? I'm better now… And I was going to talk to you guys sooner rather than later… — Jason let a moment of vulnerability shine, hoping that would melt his brother's heart and fix things. It did. — We will have a second wedding when we renovate our vows in our 5th anniversary. You can be there… Everyone can be there. — Jason cleared his throat to interrupt the other again. — But now I have to get home in time to make dinner for my honeyboo, so why don't we… Stay in contact and… One of those days everyone can have dinner together and catch up, huh?

Dick took one of the deepest breaths of his whole life. Jason pursed his lips.

— Okay… — He stuck a finger in his face roughly. — But don't disappear again. Or else I promise I’m gonna personally make everyone track you down, understood? — Jason snorted. As if Tim and Bruce wouldn't do it already once they knew everything. As if Bruce didn't secretly keep track of him this whole time. Unless… Unless everyone changed and he didn't know his… His family anymore.

Why did it make him feel weird?

— Yes, boss. — Jason saluted him and left.

— Relax… — You elongated the word. — Nothing bad it's gonna happen… — You went behind Jason and tried rubbing his broad shoulders to chase the tenseness away. The sight and feel of his muscles almost made you drool, and you blinked to focus again.

— How do you know? — You pursed your lips and went to his side to try to make him take his eyes off of cleaning the countertop for the 4th time due to anxiety.

— Because they love you. And they care about you. And they miss you. — Jason deadpanned you. — Just give it a chance. If anything goes wrong, we will just kick them out and you never have to talk to them, ever again. We can even move if you want. Or go on a vacation to the same place we had our honeymoon, I can wear that skimpy piece you like… Spoil you rotten… — Your voice lowered seductively and you pressed your body to his side, running your hand up and down his arms with some pressure.

Jason’s mind went blank and he was speechless for a few seconds. Your eyebrows raised with a small, convincing smile that made all his worries go away. He sighed.

— Okay… Okay, you’re right… — He leaned down and sneaked an arm around your waist. You both shared a slow and wet kiss, bordering between sensual and calming. Unfortunately, he had to wait a few hours before having some action. He pulled his face away a few centimeters, looking you in the eyes. — I thought I had ripped that thing. — You blinked.

— You just might have. But I bought another one because I looked too good on it not to wear it again. — You shared a chuckle when the doorbell rang. You both looked at the door, then at each other. — Want me to get it? — You ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm the last of his nerves. Jason swallowed.

— No. Have to get it over with. — He took a deep breath and then let out. Pulling away from your embrace. — Put the juice on the table for me, please? — You hummed and nodded.

Without giving a second thought, he walked in long strides and abruptly opened the door.

It was like that scene in Avengers: End Game when on one side there was just Captain America against the whole Thanos's army, just staring at each other.

— Are you wearing an apron? — Damian snarked with an eyebrow raised. Jason looked down. Yes, he was. Good start.

— Take your shoes off, there’s other shoes for you all there. And here I was having hope that at fifteen you wouldn't be a demon anymore. — Jason said sarcastically and gave them space to enter.

As soon as they got in the neighborhood they were all already skeptical. If you were the only one working, how much do you earn to live in such a nice area and with this nice house? They could even see a pool in the backyard and there were TWO expensive cars in the driveway. Jason said he quit all of the crime lord thing, did he keep the savings? Did he invest?

The little dog came running and barking, taking their attention away from the house and their shoes, Damian immediately crouched to pet her. Jason let a side of his lips go up. At least that hasn't changed.

— Her name is Daphne. — Jason spoke over the cooing of Duke and Cass at the dog. He locked eyes with Bruce who had an unreadable expression on his face. He looked older, Jason didn't know how to feel about that. Then gazed at Dick, who had a shit eating grin, Alfred, whose satisfied smile warmed his heart, and Tim, who was analyzing the space while changing shoes.

— Nice place. So, what does your partner do? — Are they committing fraud? — You appeared from the corner and replied for him.

— I direct the Queen Industries’s Gotham’s office. — You answered softly with a polite smile, stopping besides Jason, who wrapped an arm around you. Everyone's gaze turning on you made you feel shy, but you held on with confidence.

— Oh, wow, so Jason really is a malewife. — Your eyes widened in surprised and you couldn't hold back a laugh. Jason let a small smile graze his lips, coaxing the easiness out of him.

— I offered to pay cleaning and cooking service, but he wanted to do things himself. — You say, a little afraid they would get angry at you for “slavering” their Jason.

— Did you buy those cars outside? — Wow, Tim really was as skeptical as Jason had said.

— Hmhmm. — You nodded simply, as if it was nothing.

Jason's siblings raised their eyebrows and Bruce cleared his throat, and took a step forward, feet clad in fluffy slippers. He offered a hand and presented himself politely to you. You wondered how much of that was his persona and how much was just a father meeting his son's partner.

While giving them a tour of the house, the family — aside from Alfred who already knew it all — observed the details, happy memories in the form of pictures of trips, your marriage, birthdays, anniversaries, Daphne's growing stages, spontaneous moments that just deserved to be eternalized, trinkets, handmade pots, plants, Daphne’s toys, and the decor that was just a mix of you both. No guns in the walls, no corpses buried in the backyard, no blood stains. The only signals that it was their Jason living here and not a clone were the books, pictures and hidden security measures. 

It was… Good. Peaceful. Clearly the change in scenario helped him. It hurt them a little, some more than others, that it took him cutting them off for him to start healing, although, maybe opening up this new side of him for them meant that it wasn't just that. And it wasn't. The fault didn't fall completely on them. Nor on Jason. And one person, you, can't be the solution for all global crisis. Mental health is complex. Trauma is complicated. Past can't be changed, but the future can. 

That night, everyone enjoyed Jason's cooking, Daphne and the new future.

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Taglist:

@wandalfnation

[shyjusticewarrior]

[eiitsuya]

for reasons that i just made up, catherine and willis todd are dana scully and fox mulder now

just look at them ahhh

[babyprime]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Batman (Comics) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added Characters: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Barbara Gordon, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, Leslie Thompkins, Tyler | Blue Hood (DCU), Other Character Tags to Be Added Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Adopted Children, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Good Sibling Dick Grayson, Adoptive Parent Jason Todd, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Panic Attacks, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Childhood Trauma, bruce and jason work on their nightmare relationship, Batman: Urban Legends (2021) Issue 006: Red Hood & Batman in Cheer Finale, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, if dc wont make jason a dad ill do it myself by god Summary:

When he said that he wouldn't let Tyler go into the system, he meant it. But Jason wasn't so sure about letting Bruce raise him, either. Besides, once the kid latched onto the hem of Jason's shirt and pleaded to stay with 'Mr. Hood', it wasn't like he had a say in taking Tyler in, if only for a little while.

There were worse father figures out there, anyway.

AU where Tyler's mom never wakes up from the coma and Jason adopts him to keep him from growing up like he did, with some help from family and old friends.

[dubacheryking]

*slams my hand on the table* JASON GETTING RAILED BY NO LESS THAN THREE (3) MEGA HUNG AMAZONIAN MILFS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

[betterthanbatman1]

Okay I found these and say what you want about it not being canon because it’s 100% canon in my mind.

Wait

Someone tell me where the Jason cooking and baking headcanon came from??

Like the headcanons about him reading and loving literature-yeah that’s been shown throughout Jason comics.

But I don’t actually remember seeing him cook. Even when he was a kid, I feel like I’ve only seen fanart and fanfic where he helps Alfred cook.

I absolutely love this headcanon regardless if it’s fabricated or not. Canon is a shit show right now anyway

But also if there’s a single panel or screenshot where it’s even implied that he helped cook/bake I will treasure that for the rest of my life

[002yb]

Hear me out: If Dick grew a beard, Jason would FOLD. He'd be all over that man in ever single way possible. If he was malewife material before, he is going to become the "ideal" of a traditional young trophy wife when Dick has a beard. Like, without the beard, Dick toes the line of pretty boy, hes a gorgeous man but hes the type of man you would be okay with calling cute on occasion. With the beard? Thats a MAN man. He goes from approachable pretty boy to intimidatingly sexy and broody man. Everyone would fold. His old exes, his friends, his coworkers, his own family. But he's only got eyes for his Little Wing. And with the way Jason is acting? Shit, he might never go clean shaven again.

Slade compliments the beard all of once and that's all the incentive Dick needs to shave that sucker off. The echo of, 'looking good, Grayson,' ringing through his head is a provocation. In an instant Dick goes from being that manly broody man to being a petulant, deeply insulted brat.

So he shaves. The beard was too reminiscent of Deathstroke, anyway.

The problem is: Jason. Who was really into it. It's only after feeling his bare face again that Dick realizes what he's done and then there's a pit in his stomach because well, shit.

So there's Dick trying to explain what happened over text. Then a phone call. Panicked as he dodges every request for a facetime until Jason, like a night terror, is bracketing Dick's bedroom window and Dick just about drops his phone from the jump scare and bloodlust.

The way Jason storms over and gets Dick's face between his hands, squishing his cheeks and smoothing his thumbs over smooth skin and the sharp cut of Dick's jaw, scrutinizing.

It's a weird first fight to have. Funny in hindsight, but scary in the moment. Dick can own that. Jason is a lot.

(Especially during the short stint with the beard, RIP. Dick's never been jumped or climbed like a tree with such earnestness before. It was cutely sexy, or sexily cute. So was the way Jason would shiver when it scratched over his skin, a little rough and enough to break him without much more touching than that).

(Just Jason always being attracted to Dick, but this is new and rugged and wow).

'You're still so fucking handsome.' Jason would tell him, sweet even as he's pissed at the world and feeling cheated - betrayed in the most profound of ways.

Then Jason would look at him some more and whine at the loss because fuuuuuuck why? Was Jason not malewifey enough? Did he get too freaky?? ˙◠˙

And Dick comforts him because Jason is perfect, always. There's no level of freak his little wing can get to that Dick won't match lbr.

'Then why.'

Dick might actually sweat a bit, because the reasoning is admittedly a smidgen childish. So he mumbles it. And Jason tells him to clarify, so Dick grumbles a bit more audibly, 'Slade said it looked good.'

And Jason is immediately out the window again because fucking Deathstroke. Taking away Jason's newfound dream of being Dick's trophy malewife, that bastard. (ʘ言ʘ╬) To think Jason thought they were something adjacent to friends. Their camaraderie? Gone. Their banter? A thing of the past. Hell hath no fury like Jason Grayson-Todd.

Cue Dick holding his boyfriend back from taking on the Terminator. And Deathstroke shuddering from a whole continent away because he's got a sixth sense that he's provoked something dangerous.

When he checks his phone later, he's got a text from Jason claiming, 'this is all your fault,' followed by the scariest picture of Jason snarling at him while holding Dick's bare face in the background. Whoops.

Extra: The compliment was genuine.

Extra extra: Dick's only able to appease Jason's need for retribution through carnage by manhandling Jason around and reminding him the beard's got nothing to do with why Jason sticks around. Ie. Dick fucks him 'til he can't walk without his knees giving out beneath him. (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

[cruxxlecrinkles]

Happy birthday to my pookie babygirl malewife Jason Todd

Bowless version under the cut

[couldeatthatgirlforlunch]

Writing a househusband!Jason Todd to confort me before my classes start bc this semester is going to be shit

[shyjusticewarrior]

DC Comics Incorrect Quotes Pt 252

Jason: You're going to kiss me, aren't you?

Rose: More than once, yes.

Jason: You're on speaker, so behave.

Rose: Or what, you'll spank me?

Rose: Everybody else in your family seems so decent and kind.

Jason: Oh thank you, Rose. They say nice things about you too.

Rose: So what happened to you?

Jason: We're waiting on a lot of results.

[dragonpyre]

Put your 4 characters from 4 pieces of media as options and let your tumblr followers decide which suits your vibe best and tag 4 people.

Tagged by @fearnes-malewife <3

Tagging @llisona, @sishal01, @aviaryappreciation, and @sreppub

[fancyhandsbakery]

Jason Todd is, at the same time, Manipulate, Malewife, Manslaughter. Thank you for your time.

[sorawritesstuff]

𝙸 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚈𝚘𝚞, 𝙼𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝙰𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚕𝚢

Chapter One

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Well, good thing times had changed, because if Jason had to choose a wife from the people he knew, he’d be dead. A second time.

None of the Batfamily were at all viable options; Cass maybe came closest, but he’d probably pass out on all the karaoke dates Steph was sure to drag him on. Out of the Outlaws, Kori was far too optimistic for real life, and Artemis, well, he’d already messed up with her enough. There wasn’t anyone outside of vigilante work that he knew well enough to even consider briefly—to put it gently, Jason wasn’t exactly the best at making friends. He could probably marry Roy, but then that wouldn’t be a wife, right? Or maybe a malewife counted? 

Whatever. It wasn’t like he had to marry anyone just cause Austen said so. And even if he did, at least no one could be worse than her. 

Her, erroneously labeled “Charmer”, in her all bright, bubbly glory. All that sparkly white kevlar and disgusting optimism and playful dalliance and—well, he didn’t actually know what she looked like under that eye-searingly pink mask she always wore, but he bet she would be knockout gorgeous just to piss him off, too. 

Oh, what an absolute pain. Apparently fate was simply determined that anyone by the name Jason Todd could never catch a single break. As if dying wasn’t already enough. 

He’d known from the moment she sauntered into Arkham Asylum with a glossy smile and a swing of her hips that she would be the end of him. The second one, anyway. If he wasn’t stupid as well as foolhardy, Jason would have said he’d take a couple bullets instead of spend another minute in her presence.

Yeah.

Batman had brought her on the case for her…emotional prowess at dealing with interrogations, since the latest addition to the Rogues Gallery at the time had been a new unknown villain named The Sphinx. As if Jason wasn’t good at getting information out of criminals? He smelled B.S. 

“You don’t have any technique for it,” Bruce had explained flatly, eyes on the monitor screen in front of him.

“Sure I do,” Jason had retorted with crossed arms. “I implement the technique of punching until they talk, or don’t have teeth left.�� 

His mentor figure had grunted in response. 

At least that was over and done with. It’d been a couple months ago, and now that Sphinx whoever was safely in the Arkham Asylum (not that anyone ever stayed there long), Charmer was well out of the picture and he finally regained whatever shred of peace he had in his pastiche of a second life. 

It wasn’t much, but Jason knew just how hideously life could treat him firsthand. For now, he’d be content with the crappy patch up job he’d received. 

At any rate, if you looked at things the way Steph might—optimistically, that was—things weren’t all bad. The Joker had been dormant for some time, Charmer was gone, and he could focus back on college just the way he wanted to for his sophomore year.

Which brought him to the current scenario—sitting in a chair less comfortable than family dinners at Wayne Manor, attending a seminar on 19th Century British Literature, idly spinning a pen through his fingers as the professor rambled on and on about Elizabeth Bennet’s romantic appeal. 

“Despite her flaws and oddities, as being a female bookworm of the times must have been, Lizzie still manages to snag the most eligible bachelor in Hertfordshire. See, one of Austen’s most radical ideas at this point of the century is that everyone can find love.”

Clack.

His pen hit the ground, and Jason swore as quietly as he could. Was this scholar an idiot, or what? And now he couldn’t even reach his pen. 

Grunting, Jason lurched forward in his precarious plastic seat, giving up on his aims when somebody down the row shot him a questionable look. What was he supposed to do now? He needed to take notes, and that was his sole writing utensil. Swallowing his ego, he bit back a groan and tapped on the student before him. 

She turned, a pretty Asian girl in a cream beige sweater and a ribbon up her hair, and Jason’s mouth dried up.

This was worse than having to go on patrol when Mr. Freeze was around.

“Is this yours?” 

She smiled, lips glossy, offering the pen to him with an open palm, and for a moment Jason wondered if life was going to give him a break for once and let him have something good—something normal. Not that she was anything normal, seeing as most girls who looked like they’d stepped out of a magazine for successful trust fund babies fresh out of private school didn’t give a second glance to guys like him, but still. Relationships were normal even for vigilantes, as long as you weren’t someone like him—someone cursed to only ever kiss people he punched or punch people he kissed. 

This was his chance to prove that he was indeed not the member of the Batfamily who pulled the least. 

But obviously life wasn’t going to let him do that.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, causing the girl to instantly snap back to attention lest the professor pointed them out, and Jason cursed under his breath at the notification.

Really, B? Now?

He squinted at the screen, calloused fingers fumbling with the lockscreen login. Did every father figure enjoy interrupting at the worst possible moments? 

Then the message appeared, and all thoughts of normal flew out the door. 

‘Sphinx is missing. Come to Batcave. Now.’

[the-malewife-ever]

its 5am. i am very tired. i do not want to go through and pick out all the best responses when i have a test today. so what youre getting now is:

every single character that was submitted [unless i didnt feel comfortable adding them to the data]

^ this includes:

- i didnt feel comfortable putting them in [they are a kid is the most likely answer]

- they break the rules

and goodnight everyone im going back to bed you get your pairings later today. feel free to demand your malewife be in the pairings in the notes of this post all you want but be nice

and sorry to the ppl checking the tags in the search bar for ANY of these characters

read more because we got 301 and then some submissions:

The Top Submitted Characters:

Crazy Dave [Plants Vs Zombies] - 14

Kazuki Kurusu [Buddy Daddies] - 8

Hero [Omori] - 8

Saul Goodman/James McGill [Better Call Saul/Breaking Bad] - 7

Tatsu [Way of the House Husband] - 7

Thoma [Genshin Impact] - 7

Laszlo Cravensworth [What We Do In the Shadows] - 5

Percy de Rolo [Critical Role/Vox Machina] - 5

Ron DeLite [Ace Attorney] - 5

Brett Hand [Inside Job] - 4

Puss in Boots [Puss in Boots] - 4

Sanji [One Piece] - 4

Spamton G. Spamton [Deltarune] - 4

Got 3 Or Less Votes:

9 [9 (2009)]

Adrian Graye Vernworth [The Owl House]

Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir [Miraculous Ladybug]

Alador Blight [The Owl House]

Alistair Theirin [Dragon Age]

Andre Legris [Innocent/Innocent Rouge]

Asgore Dreemurr [Undertale]

Axel Summers [Lemon Soda and Coffee (Webcomic)]

The Baker [Into the Woods (1991)]

Bandit Heeler [Bluey]

Barry Draxum [Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]

Beacrox Molan [Lout of the Court’s Family]

Benny [Fallout: New Vegas]

Bilbo Baggins [The Hobbit]

BJ Hunnicutt [MASH]

Bob Belcher [Bob's Burgers]

Briefers "Brief" Rock [Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt]

Brock [Pokemon]

Bruno Buccerati [JoJo's Bizzare Adventure]

Bruno Madrigal [Encanto]

Calculester Hewlett-Packard [Monster Prom]

Caleb Wittebane [The Owl House]

Cardan [The Folk of the Air trilogy by Holly Black]

Cecil Palmer [Welcome to Night Vale]

Chakotay [Star Trek Voyager]

Charlie Kelly [It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]

Chisaki Kai (Overhaul) [My Hero Academia]

Chris Pearson [Dan Vs.]

Chrom [Fire Emblem Awakening]

Clay Rockridge [The Sexy Brutale]

Colin Robinson [What We Do In the Shadows]

Connecticut Clark [FlorkofCows/The Saga of Clark]

Cove Holden [Our Life: Beginning & Always]

Cyclonus [Transformers (IDW1)]

DaLey Vigil [The Great Ace Attorney]

Daniel Cain [Re-Animator]

Darius Deamonne [The Owl House]

Dedue Molinaro [Fire Emblem Three Houses]

Dick Grayson [DC Comics]

Dick Gumshoe [Ace Attorney]

Do Hyun Soon [Flower of Evil]

Ed [Our Flag Means Death]

Eddie Munson [Stranger Things]

Elliott [Stardew Valley]

Faria [Thrilling Intent]

Flex Mentallo [Doom Patrol]

Fox Mulder [The X-Files]

Fukuo [Kiki’s Delivery Service]

Furio Giunta [The Sopranos]

Gao Yizhi [Iron Widow]

Garmadon [Ninjago]

Garry [Ib]

Geto Suguru [Jujitsu Kaisen]

Gilbert Nightray [Pandora Hearts]

Gomez Addams [The Addams Family]

Grover Underwood [Percy Jackson Series]

Hannibal Lecter [Hannibal]

Harrier du Bois [Disco Elysium]

Hazama Masayoshi [Samurai Flamenco]

Heinz Doofenshmirtz [Phineas and Ferb]

Herlock Sholmes [The Great Ace Attorney]

Hordak [She-Ra (Netflix)]

Howl Jenkins Pendragon [Howl's Moving Castle]

Hugh Neutron [Jimmy Neutron]

Hugh Test [Johnny Test]

Ianto Jones [Torchwood]

Ignis Scientia [Final Fantasy XV]

Ingo [Pokemon]

Izzy Hands [Our Flag Means Death]

Jake Sully [Avatar]

James [Pokemon]

Jason Todd [Batman]

Jesus Christ [The Bible]

Joel Hammond [Santa Clarita Diet]

Johnathan Harker [Bram Stoker's Dracula]

John Silver [Treasure Island (1988)]

John Watson [BBC Sherlock]

Jonathan Byers [Stranger Things]

Kaiden Alenko [Mass Effect]

Kai Satou [Your Turn to Die]

Kaito [Vocaloid]

Kakashi Hatake [Naruto]

Katsuya Serizawa [Mob Psycho 100]

Ken [Barbie]

Kermit the Frog [The Muppets]

Kim Dokja [Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint]

Kim Gongja [SSS-Class Suicide Hunter]

Kingsley [Papa Louie Games]

Kisuke Urahara [Bleach]

Klavier Gavin [Ace Attorney]

Kojiro “Joe” Nonjo [Sk8 the Infinity]

Laurance Zvahl [Minecraft Diaries]

Lazarus Bleeze [The Hex]

Leon [Pokemon]

Lestat de Lioncourt [Interview with the Vampire (TV Show)]

Lieutenant Columbo [Columbo]

Light Yagami [Death Note]

Link [Breath of the Wild]

The Lobby Boy [The Hotel Podcast]

Loid Forger [Spy X Family]

Luigi [Mario Franchise]

Luo Binghe [The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System]

Mac McDonald [It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]

The Man in the Yellow Hat [Curious George]

Manolo Sanchez [The Book of Life (2014)]

Mario [Mario Franchise]

Marshall Eriksen [How I Met Your Mother]

Marvin [Falsettos]

Mendel Weisenbachfeld [Falsettos]

Me [The Mod]

Michael [The Good Place]

Miles Edgeworth [Ace Attorney]

Min-Gi Park [Infinity Train]

Minato Namikaze [Naruto]

Momo [Stray]

Mr. Mime [Pokemon]

The Narrator [The Stanley Parable]

Naven Nuknuk [Epithet Erased]

Oliver Queen [DC Comics (Green Arrow)]

Olruggio [Witch Hat Atelier]

The Onceler [The Lorax]

Palamedes Sextus [The Locked Tomb]

Paper [Inanimate Insanity]

Peeta Mellark [The Hunger Games]

Percy Jackson [Percy Jackson Series]

Peter Nureyev [The Penumbra Podcast]

Preminger [Barbie: Princess and the Pauper]

Qifrey [Witch Hat Atelier]

Quirrel [Hollow Knight]

Ramsey Murdoch [Epithet Erased]

Randy Valentine Jade [Dialtown]

Redd Rockridge [The Sexy Brutale]

Reigen Arataka [Mob Psycho 100]

Ronaldo [The Vampire Dies in No Time]

Rouxls Kaard [Deltarune]

Roy Mustang [Full Metal Alchemist]

Ryoji Kaji [Neon Genesis Evangelion]

Ryuuji Takasu [ToraDora!]

Samwise Gamgee [Lord of the Rings]

Sasuke Itachi [Naruto]

Satan [Puyo Puyo]

Satoru Gojo [Jujitsu Kaisen]

Seven [Zero Escape]

Shinya Fujikawa [Corpse Factory]

Sig Curtis [Full Metal Alchemist]

Silco [Arcane (Netflix)]

Sojiro Sakura [Persona 5]

Sokka [Avatar: The Last Airbender]

Soldier [Team Fortress 2]

Spirit Albarn [Soul Eater]

Spongebob Squarepants [Spongebob Squarepants]

Steve Harrington [Stranger Things]

Steven Grant [Marvel]

Suoh Tamaki [Ouran High School Host Club]

Sword Boyfriend [Transistor]

Tanjiro Kamado [Demon Slayer]

Thomas Sharpe [Crimson Peak (2015)]

Tohru Adachi [Persona 4]

Tom Wambsgans [Succession]

Travis Matagot [Campaign Skyjacks]

Tsukasa Jinguuji [Fabiniku (Life with an Ordinary Guy who Reincarnated into a Total Fantasy Knockout)]

The Tumblr Boyfriend [Tumblr]

The Twelfth Doctor [Doctor Who]

Tyrell Wellick [Mr. Robot]

Vanitas [Vanitas no Carte/The Case Study of Vanitas]

Vash the Stampede [Trigun]

Victor Nikiforov [Yuri on Ice]

Waymond Wang [Everything Everywhere All At Once]

Whizzer Brown [Falsettos]

William "Spike" Pratt [Buffy the Vampire Slayer]

William “Dex” Pointdexter [Check Please!]

Yeza Brenatto [Critical Role]

Yoo Joonghyuk [Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint]

You [The Voter]

Zagreus [Hades]

[dubacheryking]

jason todd is my malewife now. official. yeah we're married. sorry u weren't invited to the wedding it was last minute.

[batfam-big-bang]

do you agree that jason todd is innocent and never did anything wrong ever in his life?

his only crime is being too sexy. signed, a lesbian - bri

jason's toxic trait is malewife manipulate manslaughter to combat bruce's toxic trait gaslight gatekeep gotham and idk i think that's beautiful - mel

Jason is what happens when you read too many classic books and as reading is the best thing ever he is perfect just the way he is - jess

Why would I need to agree? Is it not obvious? Who is spreading Jason Todd slander? My boy killed those men in self defence officer- - lucy