#makes me sad if I think about it too hard lol Tumblr posts
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🧩🍂🍁
Ok I could be completely wrong and seeing patterns that aren’t there (it wouldn’t be the first time) but I think Ed Sheeran and Sabrina Carpenter might come out tomorrow. I think they’re the next dominoes to cascade or FALL after Shawn Mendes. Let me explain
The 10th and 11th 🎃 messages -> Oct (10) and Nov (11) -> “the turn of the decade beFALLs the facade” -> “it was the end of a decade (the end of Oct or 10th month) but the start of an age” -> Change -> revolution/The Hunger Games ⚡️🏹😈🎯🔥 -> HALLOWEEN COSTUMES in the 11th 🎃 message -> Ed's gay little monkey meme costume and Elton John esque pfp (Goodbye Yellow Brick Road) and Sabrina's Tinkerbell costume 🧚 (Tinkerbell connects to the Peter Pan metaphor, growing up = coming out of the closet 🚪) (Sabrina is the one on the rollercoaster 🎢) -> Enchanted Forest and fairy wings 🧚 in 10th 🎃 message (OUT Of The Woods, “screaming color 🌈,” “somber woodland fairies”) -> “I hope your Halloween is enchanted” in 14th 🎃 message -> passing the torch/relay race/Paris Olympics/Nothing New, “she’ll know the way and then she’ll say she got the map from me” // “my bare hands paved their paths,” (x) -> Death with Dignity in Gracie’s playlists // Die With A Smile by Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars // funerals 🖤 // my tears ricochet eras tour performance and visuals // Billie’s Hit Me Hard and Soft album cover which is her free falling out of a closet door and drowning in the deep end (the deep end in Gracie’s Risk and Under/Over, Lizzy’s Pushing It Down and Praying, “softer, harder, in between��, Gregory’s Mistakes, Guilty as Sin?, “you’ve made your bed now lie in it”) -> Castles Crumbling (PLURAL bc multiple artists’ castles are crumbling in this mass coming out, there’s an intentional ‘s typo which connects it to the “i’s” in the 14th 🎃 message and to all the other intentional glitches/errors) -> Lizzy’s All Falls Down -> Jump Then Fall -> Birds of a Feather/The Albatross -> 2nd 🎃 message -> Gregory’s The Fall and Before the Sun (55 mile signs and Gaga’s Smile being changed to sMILE on Spotify) (x) -> All Too Well (Sad Girl Autumn Version) bc autumn is FALL 🍂🍁 -> “autumn leaves FALLING DOWN like PIECES INTO PLACE” 🧩 -> “and all the pieces fall right into place” -> “and just like clockwork the dominoes cascaded in a line” -> Gracie’s Cool, “I'm actin' bored, it's my right, after all the love that you bombed” -> “tick tick tick of love bombs” -> tick tick tick BOOM 🧨🌋🕰️ (TNT, the reticent volcano) -> going back to the Halloween costumes, Taylor was dressed as a squirrel and there was Project Acorn bc the mass coming out movement (The Story of Us/The Manuscript/the film) is “nuts” lol (x) -> Ed Sheeran’s insta having an acorn and 🍂 for his Autumn Variations album -> Run ft Ed Sheeran (the relay race metaphor) -> Red being a FALL 🍂🍁 album
I think this all ties into the election too hence all the red, white, and blue and 4th of July easter eggs lately 🇺🇸 (Gregory’s Before the Sun mentions the 4th of July). And I think that’s why Karlie (Miss Americana, KARma) wore the Kill Bill costume 👀 -> Better Than Revenge Spotify canvas and TSMWEL eras tour visuals -> shattering glass ceilings -> “The Mountain: ‘You can say I like girls or boys; So call it what you want, call it what you want’” in the anon message -> Coldplay’s iAAM (i Am A Mountain): “I got this feeling that the ceiling is for bursting through…I got this feeling I can summon up lightning…Everyone taking aim, Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain” -> “Dear reader when you aim at the devil make sure you don’t miss” ⚡️🏹😈🎯🔥 -> The Archer/Katniss
#ik i sound fucking insane but HEAR ME OUT#i really hope this is all real and not me having another psychotic episode 😃#this is all their fault they’re the reason i sound like a mad woman rn#gaylor#gaylor swift#kaylor#fall#autumn#puzzles#mass coming out theory#rabbit hole#october#10/31#11/1#change#halloween#castles crumbling#pumpkin#death with dignity#die with a smile#funerals#tinkerbell#peter pan#kill bill#iaam#hunger games#dear reader
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He’s not taking the whole “being murdered” thing very well :/
#he’s really mean to Orin post tadpoling 😔#something about you ruined my life (he was already doing that but shhh) and now I’m going to talk about how much dad doesn’t love you whilst#I snap every bone in your body </3#makes me sad if I think about it too hard lol#doodle#sketch#oc#bg3#baldurs gate 3#vat’il#Durge#the dark urge#orin the red#bg3 spoilers#ask to tag
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vash the stampede…lazy in space?
#vash the stampede#nicholas d. wolfwood#meryl stryfe#millions knives#trigun#trigun stampede#my art#drew this as a joke until it wasn’t a joke bc i got attached to the drawing….#puppycatwood…..????#don’t think about it too hard .#i finally finished watching bee and puppycat tho :v#hence. these drawings LMFAO#took me a while to actually finish the show bc it kept making me sad…..LOL
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I haven't got a penny haven't got a dime
But I know how to have a good old time
I ain't got a dollar baby when I do
Gonna go and spend it all on you
(reblogs>likes!)
#not sure how i feel about this but i dont think im gonna get it any better lol#anyway they make me so sad#lyrics from a bank robber's nursery rhyme by goodnight texas#my art#rdr2#rdr2 fanart#red dead redemption 2#arthur morgan#mary linton#well#mary gillis#dont look too hard at their hands that position is so jank
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Wuh oh (Patreon)
Bonus:
The novel experience of being crushed by a giant rock, a visual metaphor
#Doodles#ISaT#Siffrin#Loop#Yaaaay suffering <3 <3 <3#Lol#Starting with a cute practice Sif to get used to drawing them a bit more they're so cute what the heck#He's so shaped I love that for him and about him#Crisp design very nice#Sif really is the embodiment of ''Ignorance is bliss'' and being so maladjusted about it :'D#His memory issues make the me a sad#Ironically I try not to think about it too hard or else I'll get Really sad lol#Memory is the foundation of individual personhood! It's such a tragedy weh#Him brushing things off by falling back into his issues is just so agh Sif no you deserve better!#Some sillies lol I never know if I should give content warnings for these kinds of jokes - I don't make them often!#Loop's line in the Jello streams is So good I couldn't not lol#Happy Wednesday fr btw lol yes I did do that on purpose#The last one agh the red and like - can we talk about Sif (and Loop's and Odile's) specific portraits where their hands do the spark thing??#I always forget how art can be Whatever and that overlapping/removing lineart to imply shapes and movement and just jfdslafd#It's so cool I love it so much it's very inspiring#The bonus is mostly a joke lol - again while watching the Jello streams Lenti was talking about how much she relates to Sif#And I was privately like ''Haha thank goodness I don't relate to him! Couldn't be me!'' And Then#It's fine lol I'm aware of my overlapping issues - I fall more on the Isa side of ''Sounds fake but okay'' but yeah.....yeahhhh lol#As long as I don't get trapped in a time loop about it! Poor Sif haha
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[Image description: A traditional drawing of Katrina from the film Vamp. It is boldly coloured with oil pastels, and is a close-up of her face, stretched out to bare her fangs. Both her mouth and her eyes are wide open, although one of her eyes is obscured in a dark shadow. She is deeply shadowed, although the contours of her face are lit up from below in a bright and unnatural neon green, which also makes her visible eye look uncanny. There is a pink rim light around the top of her head, and deeper reds behind her. The oil pastels create a grainy texture that is offset by the rigidity of the colour blocking of the different tones of her face.]
#katrina vamp#vamp 1986#vamp#katrina vamp fanart#vamp 1986 fanart#vamp fanart#traditional art#so basically i havent posted in nearly a year now due to mental failings (i say ambiguously cos its hard to sum up)#which is to say its more of a persistent but underlying mood than something catastrophic and that so dw too much#anyway#this whole time i have been really sad that i havent been posting art and it would make me happy to do that again#so here i am#i think i will try inktober this year just to get back into things but like give myself 2 days ahead this time#if it is hard i will just finish it in my own time lol#but this is a pretty old piece as i have a backlogue of older and newer ones that im gonna post#about 2 b4 inktober and i will resume the rest after#anyway vamp is great and grace jones is amazing in it and u should all watch it 💛💛#pinnacle of 80s red green lighting (my fave type of lighting)#also for reference i scanned this a week or so after i stopped posting lol
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people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime
#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head#around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working#as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of#how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol#i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were#pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family#i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by#ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me#or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made#you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm#im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help#wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career#i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades#but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard#yapping
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ILY FP 258
I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.
Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.
I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!
That's enough rambling, let's jump in.
There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.
But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.
A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.
This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.
I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.
There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.
As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.
Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.
And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.
How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).
He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.
He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.
And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;
For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.
I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...
Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.
But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.
I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.
I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.
And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.
Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.
#ILY Brainrot#ILY FP#ILY Spoilers#I Love Yoo#Kousuke Hirahara#Shinhye#idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore#and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name#so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol#alas#anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March#literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip#BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it#Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop#i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl#to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace#all the opportunities he lost#the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted#he lost himself in the process#or maybe he never even got to know himself#i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad#that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked#so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of#FUCKING DEVASTATED#I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS
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when freedom is in sight!!!!!!!!
#(aka it’s my last day of work!!!!!!!!! i can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!)#it’s like 2.30 in the am rn and i have to get up in less than 4 hours but. still!!!!!#im too happy to sleep lmao i feel like a kid on christmas eve again#this weirdass company culture says that we (the leavers) have to treat everyone to pizza or sth#isn’t it usually the other way round though? shouldn’t they be treating the leavers as a show of gratitude for their hard work?#but eh. the place is filled with cheapskates who only think about working us to the bone for the sake of their profits (i think)#so ✨s o r r y✨ dear managers no treats for you~~~~~ im giving ind*m*e (censored for copyright) to my immediate colleagues only~~~~~~#you can always feel free to treat me though~~~~~ :)))) my wallet is always open for donations dear managers o’ mine~~~#(this manager who expects me to treat everyone also outright refused when i asked her to treat me to beef wellington though :( sads :( )#(i worked sooooooooooo hard for you over the past couple o’ years and i dont even get free beef wellington~~~? :( )#but euuuugghhhhhhhhh since the team lead’s on leave today ig i’ll be the one in charge for the morning shift today too…#but it’s my last day~~~~ i wanna relaxxxxxxxxxx (<-same person who took a short nap on the clock earlier)#anyways!!!!!! i’ll finally have time for idol sengen after this aw yissssssssss wait for me asuna-chan im almost freeeeeeee#though. speaking of idol sengen… im still waffling about whether to have asuna drop swear words during the [spoiler] scene…#i mean. it’d make sense in terms of context/how abrasive she was being but. she’s an idol!!!!!!! choices man..#well. i guess that it’s retirement-me’s problem to think about lol. i need to get through just 1 day of work first!!!!!!#‘it’s starting to sound like you quit your job to tl idol sengen—’ n-noooooooo~~~? totally not i s w e a r!!!!
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wip thing...
of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)
they mean the world to me
#bg3 spoilers#?? idk. gith look so..Emaciated. And long. i guess we don't eat on the astral plane :) anyway..well..too much to say.....#it is very very very depressing having to live in the Real World after that final playthrough meant so very much to me.#i normally feel Hope & suchlike after finishing a highly immersive emotional game..but it's too hard this time and it hurtsssss lol yippee#i appreciate bg3 very much for being a place where i could access the concept of nudity & such like in a way that finally felt comfortable.#bodies are inherently non-sexual. they just Are a Fact of Life. this game being NORMAL about nudity from the character creation screen#makes it possible for someone like me to actually have a chance at accessing sensuality in a way that feels comfortable from there.#dont feel like putting it into words further. im ace. just very grateful to this game. even despite the horrors i will never ever forget it#augoh..gugf.. want to go back. my friends & love are in there.....i'm supposed to just move on? in the real world??? THIS place???? UHH????#my characters canonically look like that too!! i see them as intersex and not so much trans. They just look that way.#Diversity win!!! the people who enacted horrors upon you and are trying to kill you again respect your pronouns!!!! <3#I FAILED HONOUR MODE IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE..ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED AN ITEM. MY LOVER TOUCHED SOME BLOOD-TOUCHED RAG ITEM @ THE CRECHE#AND MY PEOPLE MASSACRED US... YOU BELOVED PRAT. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE YOU AND IN THIS WAY#grateful for love triangle chaos...INTENSE EX DRAMA... IT HAD MAJOR REPURCUSSIONS THIS TIME...ohh so very much happened ohh my dear#truly don't know how to face the Real World now for real. I Don't Know. something has snapped. ive realised twt just makes me feel sad lol#if something in my spare time isn't at least half as fun as bg3....like.. it's not good enough. god we only have one wild and precious life#being Online makes me feel a loneliness so wretched and painful and horrible i really don't think this is the answer.#Why did you even start drawing in the first place? Why did you start this?#For real..the need to work this out and decide what on earth i'm going to do now has presented itself. Why try to get better..why be online#someone who has an imagination that can keep them so happy and fulfilled...has no business also feeling a loneliness as profound as this.#why was someone THIS introverted and withdrawn and anxious also cursed with such a restlessness?#What are you going to DO now? because hellebore and their lover are fine....... So what about you...?#hellebore..😭😭 AUUGHH!! I JUST WANT TO GO TO MY BED IN THE INN...PLAY ON MY VIOLIN THAT'S WHAT I'D DO!!!! i'd drink some ALE DAMNIT!!!!!#i was rereading My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness- the only time i've seen this level of emotional isolation depicted-and was grateful.#but then i read her latest book and now she has a debilitating substance abuse situation and it's upsetting.#I hope she finds what she was looking for. I hope we all make it. kind of wild that i dont do such major self-sabotage at this point myself#I truly think anyone who manages to find dear friends and achieve fulfillment and happiness with others outside themselves are amazing.#I see it happen from my tower. i hope we all make it. I hope we can make it through everything to come.#Why did i say all this on drawings of my characters naked. ah who even cares any more......
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who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)
#dont get your toddler army to do your anon hate and unblock me on discord if u want to talk#ik you act like a baby and thats fine but if youre bold enough to try to get me paranoid (and fail) then u should be bold enough to dm me#yknow without hiding yourself#either do that or leave us alone girl!! move on#like why do you preach about moving on to a new era and then actively seek out trouble ????#get a job or something#trying to make me think my bf is cheating on me is such a weird thing to do and a big low for you spinny. it's actually sad#the worst part youre not even good at doing it. youre making shit up from what you THINK you know & hiding behind ur friend#its okay to fall out of friendships and im not even trying to meddle with your life but you are literally actively seeking out problems#and thats so pathetic. especially when you paint yourself all high and might over us ??? clearly we tried everything for you#until we got to a point where we were literally drowning because we have other shit in our lives too#you keep losing friends and complain about it. maybe consider why??? because of lack of communication and empathy!! youre just mean!#especially to those who've always tried so hard to have your back and defend you! (buka and me!!!)#yet you didnt care. you dont communicate and expect us to read minds & you demand things#and u say that a real friend should know when to reach out & ya but when it gets to a point where i feel like im drowning? no thanks#im prioritizing myself and my mental health im sorry#not to mention i was ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE IN YOUR BULLSHIT#so grow up. actually. and if you wanna dm me then unblock me and we can talk#if you want to keep hiding behind your toddler friends acting like youre all small and sweet and babies then go ahead but leave us alone?#at least ill have closure and finally come to terms that you're not rlly a good person and u use your illnesses to excuse ur behavior#because i still think about you and wish you were our friend but after everything thats happened (this being the cherry on top for ME)#then maybe you really just are a shitty person and you do more harm than good#soz to everyone else reading this just continue scrolling LOL#its drama cus an ex friend is sending their toddler militia on me for some reason???#delete later
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dammit. loved the end of the traitor baru cormorant. which means i'm gonna read the sequel. save me from myself. AUGH.
#i was so close...so close#i was feeling like this book was too much of a chore to read for reasons that i now know were necessary#and the themes. the themes! i can't resist them#the problem is i don't really care about the characters. that makes it hard to love a book. but the theeeeeeeeemes#this book reminds me a lot of the poppy war series which i read all three books of and then wished i had given up earlier#except the execution is better and idk. more coherent#at least so far#i guess it kind of depends on what happens in the other books lol#i wouldn't be sad if i never had to read another battle scene though. i'm realizing a lot of books that i can't get into#have a lot of battles. battle scenes don't do anything but bore and confuse me#the only books i can think of where i felt like i could actually follow the battles are the dandelion dynasty series#wow ken liu again you blow me away with the mastery of your craft...#books
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ooooh i woke up in a bad mood and it's so hard not to be a bitch about it
#i don't want to ruin the mood for my family so i'm just laying in my bed and think about everything that pisses me off#and i'm getting more and more mad about it#come to think of it it's kinda funny but also really frustrating#i probably just need to cry because i've been extremely tired and stressed for the past week#but i don't want to make myself sad on purpose so now i'm really angry over literally nothing lol#for example today i saw my colleague and turns out she knows my father#and she was like 'oh your dad really misses you!! he mentions you all the time!!' and i was like '....really?.....'#because i thought he didn't care at all (and the feeling is kinda mutual)#because call me crazy if you want but if i miss someone i just go talk to them.... problem solved........#we barely talk but apparently he's yapping abt me all the time to everyone so everyone thinks that he's oh such a loving and caring dad#which makes me look like a bitch of a daughter#which is like#on one hand i couldn't care less#but on the other#why would you talk about missing me to other people and bever bother to try and talk to me yourself??#though i probably dodged a bullet#talking to him is extremely hard because he's incredibly stuffy? boring? english doesn't have enough words for that#and i don't wanna listen to him talking about himself for 2 hours straight without having a chance to interrupt him 🤩🤩🤩#ooof#idk how to stop being mad i probably need to distract myself somehow#anyway there is probably a ton of mistakes here but i'm too lazy to fix them#idk i wish i could scream so loud that every bad thought in my head would disappear forever#i'm so tiredddddd
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY KUDOU SHINICHI!!
So as a detco fan for uhhh about four years now, I had this thought about how... ordinary Shinichi is in detco universe where Japan had a bunch of genius teens and adults. Beika alone have Shinichi and Yuusaku, Sera and Mary, Amuro, Akai, Jodie, then we have those in other part of Japan like Heiji and Heizo, Kaito, Hakuba, and other competent officers outside of TMPD. Hundreds of new chapters in detco, everytime new characters were introduced, most of them were more intelligent than the average people. I've come to wonder why Shinichi was such a Big Deal. Why he's the Great Detective and saviour of the police? Lots of other people could have achieve that title, so does Shinichi only got there first because he's a detective nerd? The one who cannot get enough of deducing things? The one who have connection to police and thus can squeeze their way into most investigations?
Then I had this new thing in my life that is quite familiar to detective work (seriously they have all these cases and interrogation stuff going on) . At first I was excited to dive into it because it really is a similar setting to detco minus the crimes and murder, but then.... I got tired of it. I got bored, and most of the time came up blank even with all the clues in front of me because I'm so tired of it. There's also the fact that there is sooo many cases coming in and every one of them is different and certainly does not follow the textbook rules. There's also the knowledge that if we got to the wrong conclusion we will literally ruin someone's life and... Isn't that the most depressing thought? Everyone's pressuring you and you cannot fault them because it is a big responsibility.
So I guess now I understand why detco can have hundreds of geniuses but only one Heisei Holmes. Only one Kudou Shinichi. Because he's the one who put his heart into it. The one who have passion for the one truth. The one that got his ass kicked by that very same passion yet still pick himself up and continue to pursue his goal to put all criminals behind bars. The one that knows full well of the weight of his words and thus put so much care into it. The one that truly cares about every single person around him instead of seeing them as mere pieces in a puzzle (at least for this one, he learn it throughout the journey).
Most of the brilliant characters in DC can be a good and competent detective. Some of them already are. Most of them have kind hearts and don't want random people to be wrongfully accused. But intelligence and kindness alone are not enough to be a great detective because it's not just about piecing together puzzle or solving a code. You still have to interrogate people that don't want to be interrogated, talk to people with emotions ranging from devastated to murderous, with a certain time limit or else the evidences will disappear either naturally or planned. Isn't it stressful? Top it with the whole being-in-the-same-room-with-a-murderer... It's certainly hard to find anyone that will happily put themselves in those situations because if I were to be the smartest person in the world I sure would find better things to do.
#Yeayy Shinichi's appreciation post!#Forgive me I cannot draw I can only rant so happy birthday to my favourite boy!!#Seriously I'm in this state where I'm desperate to have Shinichi's intelligence. Life is hard and my brain not fast enough to catch up#Now that I think about is Shinichi a genius or just a diligent student?#That's possible because he can read all Sherlock Holmes book multiple time while I cannot#There's some book I can read but not fast and I think I forgot most details#Too bad so sad I guess I will just lie down in this pool of dissapointment and admire Shinichi from under here#Lol I'm kidding I'm not that depressed. Anyway I know most of this rant is stupid-#-but I love my smart boy and having all these new detectives make me feel like he's not that special anymore that's why#Kudou Shinichi#Detective Conan#This is quite rushed and English is certainly not my first language so pardon me#Long post
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alador blight fan mood board
#Im trying so hard not to engage I feel like a bomb#I know his arc was handled badly but the shortening of the owl house should be the give away#And I personally think that the boards weren’t only cut for time!!#People are really mad he was redeemed at all but I think we forget that this guy was intended to portray a victim of abuse#Abuse shouldn’t have to be physical for it mean something#No I am not excusing what he did what he did was shitty but what I am saying is I don’t think he knew that#He thought what he was doing was in the kids best interest and when amity confronted him his eyes opened#I’ve seen people call him spineless and “woobified” and that is lost on me entirely#He stood up to Odalia and broke everything when he found out about her goals#He still has his temper he’s just not lashing out on his kids#Claims of him being turned soft don’t make sense to me because he’s been chasing butterflies the whole time! He was under Odalia s thumb#Until he learned it was hurting his kids and he stood up.#His arc isn’t perfect it’s far from it but the guy was in an abusive relationship for most of his life#I Can see the disconnect some are having but I think we’re really focusing too hard on some cut scenes#I Can see people getting upset with him especially those who relate to amity but I think it’s ironically pushing blame#Not everything can be pinned on Odalia but I think we should let abuse victims grow no matter their age#I guess it just makes me sad to see a character I see so much of myself in being dragged like this lol#Alador blight
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You’re gonna die if you keep that up (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Kayako#And Teisel's there technically#*Die again - he's sticking with his track record lol at least he's consistent#Ghost/Curse GF arc!! I enjoy seeing ZEX happy but I am Concerned for him lol#ZEX be attracted to something/one that won't brutally murder him challenge - difficulty impossible#His affection for the grotesque and monstrous - I mean while it's admirable he does regularly put himself in dangerous situations!#Runs solely on the Suspension Bridge Effect lol - attraction and fear so conflated in his mind <3#I keep thinking of his human instincts as specifically Max's instincts since it's his body - Max's self-preservation and fear and hunger#Which ZEX dutifully ignores lol Max's body tells him to bolt and privately replies like ''Yes yes in a moment'' haha#His fascination wins out! To his own detriment haha#Although I say all that as though I don't relate in my own way - I have maybe just a few too many notes relating to ZEX lol#It's always been hard for me to get into horror in the way it's intended to spook and scare because I tend to get sad :')#So many monsters and ghosts and creatures are victims of circumstance! Like Kayako! As she is here she's not even malicious just dangerous#I've never seen the Grudge so it's only speculation but it seems very sad that she was tethered as a Curse rather than a malignant spirit#Like a battery moreso than an individual - what a terrible after-existence! It makes me sad to consider!#ZEX reaching out to her in his own way is very sweet <3 He's so biased towards his darlings hehe#In a way being human does suit him - we'll packbond with anything that Might have even the slightest inclination to not maim us lol#And the way he personifies her! (VUXonifies her?) Reading intention or emotion into her actions with no proof and no understanding!#The way he ''tries to read her face'' as if he hasn't been struggling with that this entire time - with other humans who can tell him so ♪#His pride is so delicious <3 He is so easily blinded to his own shortcomings in the face of pleasure and the potential for connection!#It's no wonder DAX worries about him so much hehe ♥#It also always makes me so happy to have something fit together so perfectly like those last two hehe <3#That vine didn't exist when this happened! But there it is!! I love newer memes on older media hehehe ♪♫
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