#loss of self-identity

[bethn0tfound404]

Tw: Identity crisis, overthinking, vulnerability, $ui mention, contradicting words. Basic vent stuff along those lines :) fyi, I use humor (emoticons count) to cope, so if I use humor or add a :3 or a :] or smth like that during a bad/sensitive topic, I'm likely using humor as a coping mechanism. And if I'm not using humor or an emoticon, well *shrugs*

Do you ever feel like you just don't know yourself, what you truly like, what you truly don't like, what your personality is, what's true about yourself, what's wrong about yourself, to the point you just wanna give up bc you don't know what life you're playing as yet you don't know what life you wanna play, so you create a different/multiple persona(s) in at least four different universes to play the lives you actually want to play and when you have to live the real world you just.. hurt? And no one knows and will never know/understand the pain you go through pretty much everyday? And when you do have to live in the real world, your mind constantly lives/wants to escape into a different world as a persona? And that hurts even more?

I seriously don't know myself- I feel like I'm just playing a persona that I don't know how to play as and I feel like I'm fucking everything up when I try to play the persona. Idk social/public norms/cues due to going to online school my whole life+not being social, so I feel like I fuck everything up socially as well. It's so.. hard. It's just so so hard, everyday. I'm falling behind on school work EVERYDAY, so I feel like I'm fucking school up as well. I feel like a failure at everything and life itself.

Underline here- I seriously don't know myself, and I feel like I'm just playing a persona idk how to play. And I feel like I could say sorry for a million things, to so many people. I feel like I'm one crack away from letting everything out.

Worst part? Idk if I'm even valid to be venting about this- it's not a constant feeling, but yet I always eventually come back to this feeling.

.. Thinking about the second paragraph, I feel like I might be a hardcore Sunny kin at this point... Or just rlly fcking depressed lmao.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.

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[abstract-moth]

Everyone: Is Viktor alive???

Arcane:

[howifeltabouthim]

But unless I meet him I shall have no heart for what lies before me. I shall be like someone going on a long journey with a message, who starts off without knowing what the message is. All of me that matters will be left behind on the further shore. I shall have lost the key to my personality, I shall travel without myself.

L. P. Hartley, from My Fellow Devils

[bookishblogging]

[artheresy]

The legacy of a craftsman

The amount of space that Blade and Yingxing takes up in my brain is feeling increasingly concerning. I can't stop thinking about them...

Like now that it's finally not just a leak, has anyone else read Baiheng's Travelogues about the Xianzhou Zhuming? Featuring Baby Yingxing??

Literally the second one devastates me emotionally I can't even explain it. Yingxing being so discouraged by the masters on the Zhuming who are long life species degrading him to the point he, a child, talks about how he'll probably never live to see his parents be avenged after what the Borisin did???

THAT HURTS

And God I can't even,

GOD if I could properly put into words the fact that Yingxing is a craftsman being so important to his character and identity and how Hoyoverse making a point to specify the injuries that occurred to his hands in whatever gray transition period happened between Yingxing and Blade that made him unable to craft weapons again is such a tragic visual to completely severe the two identities, that is ALL you would hear from me ever.

Because see the thing about Yingxing being a craftsman is that all stems from a goal in his past. As a child his home planet was taken over and turned into a weapons nursery, his parents were slaughtered, it became his goal as a child to create technology and weapons for the Cloud Knights to fight terrifying monsters like the Borisin. And that goal ended up defining the rest of his life, going on to become the Legendary Furnace Master on the Xianzhoh Luofu. That ended up becoming part of his legacy with the HCQ. It's clear how heavily important that part of his identity is defining not just his time in the HCQ but his time on the Zhuming, and everything that occurred to him as a child to lead him to that exact goal. His whole past.

And for Hoyoverse to specify how Blade's hands have been hurt to the point of no longer being dexterous, to the point of no longer being able to forge a weapon ever again, as those injuries cannot be healed by whatever Abundance shit he has going on since they likely happened before he became immortal(?). It just... it is devastating. It's something used as a way to severely separate the two of them so people realize they are two different identities on top of Blade already making it clear he sees Yingxing as dead. The way that they went about his hands... it's not merely that he relinquished that identity, which would be him no longer making weapons out of choice. It is that he can't connect to that identity anymore, the change he went through was far too severe. Thus he cannot make weapons anymore, he has been stripped of any ability to.

I'll make like a better post explaining this later, but I believe the use of Yingxing status as a craftsman and Blade's inability after he was revived TO craft anything is fundamentally used as a tie to the separate of identity between them and it's so well used and so tragically used.

Because again, it is not that he lost Yingxing's passion for it or decided on a different path. It is a wall that separates him from being able to do what Yingxing did in the past just as he is unable to connect to the identity his body held before death.

[across-violet-skies]

Day 18: loss of identity | Whumpee– Wild | Addt'l– Warriors, Wind, Legend, the Champions

Wild was nothing.

TWs– self-deprecation, unreliable narrator

Whump Rating– 3/10

I missed a few days!!! working to catch up on them <3

preview under the cut!!

“Ah, you wouldn’t get it,” Warriors dismissed, waving a hand. “Only us soldiers understand!” He snickered, elbowing Wild with a wiggle of his brows. “Right, Champ?”

Wild did not, in fact, understand. But… he was supposed to be a soldier, right? So… shouldn’t he get it?

He forced a smile, nodding. Warriors laughed heartily, clapping him on the back. The force of it threw Wild off balance, but he quickly centered himself.

Even if he didn’t understand, his agreement made Warriors happy, and that was more important. It was fine, probably.

-> read the rest on ao3!!

[starshine-valley]

Man, these ensekai april fools 2025 leaks are crazyyyyy!!

[maegalkarven]

"Durge came back different", "Durge didn't really come back", "the person who Durge originally was is dead" are all good takes, but what if.

If Durge came back exactly as they were? The brain damage, additional trauma and memory loss are the big altering factors, but underneath that it's still them.

They didn't change drastically, their former self is not dead.

How about one single fragile mortal soul still keeping a hold on itself, how about Durge who was never allowed anything for themselves still retaining them.

How about Durge who has lost everything: power, memories, purpose, sense of self, still being themselves, despite it all.

How about not even Orin's daggers, tadpole and Bhaal combined being able to rob them of their core? How about all of that just revealed who Durge has always been underneath all those expectations Father dearest put on them?

How about: "After all this time, it's still you."

[corruptedtwinks]

Anthony Doerr - All The Light We Cannot See/// Shuzo Oshimi - Happiness(?)/// Donte Collins - Grief, Again/// Fyodor Dostoevsky - The Insulted and Humiliated/// David Hultin - Cigarette Bud/// Unknown/// Shuzo Oshimi - Happiness/// Kate Jacobs - Comfort Food/// Alice Notley - In The Pines/// Marina V. - is hope still hope if it burns your throat?/// Uquiz///

[imminent-danger-came]

So. MK being a very identity centered character right. You don't have a character say "Until I know what I am, what my destiny is? I can't risk hurting the people I care about, the one's I have left", who constantly compares himself to his predecessor, without that being one of the character's main conflicts right. And I've talked a lot about MK and labels on this blog, and I think as part of MK's s5 spiral we can expect a loss of his sense of self. 100%. Like that's where this is going right. We dipped our toes in in s4 and now we're going into the deep end. They never resolved his monkey identity. "Who or what you are, even I do not have the answer." Like they literally answered neither of those questions! Who is MK! What is he! What plans does fate have for him! How will MK feel about and respond to those plans, especially in conflict or concordance with his title as the "Plan Man"! In conflict or concordance with his identity as MK! As the Monkie Kid! I am eating the drywall over here

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay

[new-canvas]

White Noise

I never saw you, but you were always there. You called me, and I was there for you.

We made and opened many doors. Behind them, there were many worlds. Ones you and I could live in. Ones full of stories worth living.

You saw me as perfect, even though unfinished. You never saw a flaw, I was your everything. The name you called for protection. The name you called for help.

I never saw you. You were always there. You were there. It was all you.

I woke up. I don't remember much. Who am I? Do I exist?

The void you once were stares at me. It's silence is deafening as I'm trapped inside it. You were everything, you were nothing. Did you get to be a person?

[secret--history]

I know that 'The Secret History is a satire' is an extremly prevalent take, and I think it came about as a response to the idea that tsh "romanticises" things like classist ideas/substance abuse/murder, but like. It can be unsupportive or critical of the characters without being a satire. Satire is not the word you're looking for here

[howifeltabouthim]

Where was the brave girl I'd been?

Rachel Khong, from Real Americans

[patchwork-crow-writes]

62 - Unfinished

You begin as a faint outline, gentle strokes traced upon ghostly white. A familiar face taking shape amid a fluffy blizzard, and a smile that exists just for me.

I'll dress you up in your favourite colours - a dash of pink here, a cascade of green there. But let me leave a space where your heart will go, and I'll fill it with nothing but boundless light and love.

Your horns shall gleam red to match my own, but these ones can't be taken off before bedtime. You are fully your own creature, and shall stand proudly among your friends. All who see you shall adore you, my prince - for you there shall be no misery.

I've coloured you in so much that the green's been worn to nothing. Your flourescence shall light my way in dark times, a beacon of joy and comfort that I'll always follow home.

And now for your heart - but oh! The lesson is at an end, and you've been taken away by hands bigger than mine. I cannot call your name before you're put away with all the other drawings, lost and afraid with a black space where your soul should be.

I cry for you on the way home. I feel a piece of myself is missing, the life and love I poured into you wasted and discarded. Mom says you'll be hung up on the classroom wall tomorrow, but I don't know if I believe her or not.

I hope I'll see you again soon - perhaps then I can finally give you the heart you always deserved.

______________________________

The Dark Menagerie No. 62

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