#long post sorry just venting

[kaiba-cave]

I need to start saving up money to buy a house or something lmao my rental situation is stressing me tf out. Not that I have any money to spare to save, and I probably wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage even if I had enough saved for a down payment, pfft. Like I swear I didn’t have as many grey hairs before the basement flooded and all this shit happened as I do now.

If the basement had never flooded I’d still be perfectly happy down there but it’s now two months later and they’ve only just removed the damaged walls. Landlord’s wife is coming back April 26th and it definitely won’t be done by then, so I have to either find somewhere that’s short term or go to my mom’s house for who knows how long. And anyone who’s followed me for years knows how little I get along with my dad when we live together, so I’m dreading that. I’d almost rather stay in a hotel if they weren’t too expensive, except I have my cat and finding a pet friendly place is hard enough.

I was supposed to move into the main floor apartment but that lady decided she doesn’t want to leave. I don’t know if the landlord has a legitimate reason to evict her either because I know they don’t get along, but if you don’t have a legit reason you can’t just kick her out. 🤷‍♀️

Also this might be dumb but out of everything the thing I feel the worst about is that my cat loves it up here. I feel like super guilty that I’ve let her get used to a nice apartment with windows she can look out of, only to bring her back down to the basement eventually anyway. Is that stupid? lmao like I know she’s a cat and she’ll probably forget about it in a week once we��re back in the basement, but still. I’d gladly pay another $300 for an above ground apartment with windows just for her. Plus I’m just paranoid about it flooding again.

AND on top of everything the landlord mentioned how the basement apartment would be a bit more for rent once it was done and I didn’t say anything at that point because I thought I’d be going to the main floor so it wouldn’t matter, but as far as I’m aware a landlord can’t raise rent when they do renovations when the renovations were done because of damage. It’s not like I voluntarily moved out and am now going back, I was forced out and once the renovations are done I should have the exact same rent as before. So now I’m like ugh I’m going to have to confront them about that eventually. They’ve been good this whole time and I’m easygoing so we’ve gotten along really well and they won’t expect me to be like mmmm no, but I’m not paying more for rent when I shouldn’t have to. Unless they only raise it like $50 or something I might just let it be, but more than that, no.

I’m going to ask the insurance estimator who’s been kind of helping me out about that again just so I know for sure they can’t do that, because he knows what he’s talking about.

I’m just stressing tf out lmao I’ve actually gone and looked at two apartments. One was affordable but tiny (like probably the size as what I have in the basement, just with an extra wall so there’s technically a bedroom), and another today that was just meh, kind of old and bleh.

And since I live in the Niagara Region of Ontario it’s RARE to find anything less than $1200, and then half the time you also have to pay utilities, and unlike here internet wouldn’t be included either, which also isn’t cheap. And I’ve looked like cities away from where I am but there’s just nowhere cheap.

Too bad I can’t move across the border into Buffalo or Niagara Falls, NY, lmao. Some of those places are cheap af even for American dollars and I’m literally right across the river and paying like double what they are. Sigh.

And smaller issue but still something I think about, my couch (which was also my bed) got ruined and since I didn’t get any money from my insurance I can’t replace it. My Pa helped me buy it and I feel bad that it got wrecked after only having it for like two years. It was expensive too. So no matter where I end up I still need a bed or another sleeper couch.

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

[nagitosstolenhand]

i don't like the growing opinion that people are being 'too hard' on deku for his failing to save shigaraki.

i've seen quite a few people complaining that a lot of the bnha-critical crowd are being too mean to deku for getting tomura killed, arguing that it isn't really his fault, and that hes a 16 year old child soldier who's been failed by almost every adult in his life, why should we be putting all of this on his shoulders? hes just a kid after all?

and the truth is, they're right. deku IS a 16 year old boy whos had the fate of the world thrust on his shoulders. but the story itself just plainly refuses to acknowledge this.

the narrative doesn't acknowledge how fucked up having a school that trains literal children how to be combo cop-celebrities is. it only tentatively acknowledges the fact that a universe having combo cop-celebrities is fucked up, and even then the only people who ever point this out are antagonists, who are portrayed and treated in-universe as untrustworthy. the narrative doesn't care how fucked up dekus circumstances are. the narrative treats deku like hes a fucking messiah here to touch the hearts of the evil depressed villains with his magical empathetic heart of gold before they get blown up or just sent to fucking superhell for daring to challenge the status quote.

deku isn't a person. he's barely even a fucking character at this point. he's a plot device, and a mouth piece for the objectively shitty themes bnha is trying to spout. the themes that tell you that if you're mistreated by society and want to do something about it, you're a villain. that disrupting the status quote and refusing to repent to some random teenage boy spouting empty platitudes at you means you deserve to get sent to fucking superhell. the themes that portray people fighting for civil change as mass murdering supervillains. the themes that look the audience dead in the eye and can call deku the greatest hero to ever live.

deku, who barely spared a second thought to lady nagant telling him the truth about the hero commission. who spouts meaningless platitudes about heroism and morality at nagant, and aoyama, and toga and shigaraki, when even the thought that he should question the world around him comes up. who's constantly talked about as this truly kind, empathetic person, but hasn't spared an empathetic thought to literally anyone who is classified as a villain. who listened to every authority figure around him except the ones who asked him to question his worldview. who saw la bravas tears, shigarakis various breakdowns, himikos plead for understanding, chisakis catatonic state, lady nagants truth, and barley batted a fucking eye. deku, who killed tomura shigaraki.

people don't criticize deku for failing shigaraki because they just hate deku. people criticize deku because of what he represents. because hes a mouthpiece for the atrocious morals and themes of this ideologically rotten manga. because any character he had was chopped up to bits in favor of the incomplete husk we have now. people criticize deku because hes the main character of my hero academia. theres nothing more damning then that.

[twitchyglitchy]

What do I have to do to get out of here? Who do I have to beg on my knees to so I can leave?

Get me out of my house

P@yPal: twitchyjayson

Current Goal: $55/$800

[tumblingxelian]

A Necessary Post - Yang, Taiyang & Seeing Red

I debated this being a message or a note or a reblog, but ultimately this warranted an essay. Because a hatred of nuance is not even remotely the reason why Tai is critiqued as a teacher or father.

With that fact in mind, let's begin:

During RWBY Volume 4, Episode 9: Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back Taiyang has a great deal of critical feedback for Yang regarding her fighting style, personality & Semblance.

The issue is that Tai's words and advice when compared to what we saw on screen before & afterwards demonstrate he does not understand how it works or how she used it.

So here for your reading pleasure if a more or less line by line breakdown of Tai's advice and why I don't feel it holds up & more to the point, why I don't believe Yang utilized it.

Taiyang: Do you realize that you used your Semblance to win every fight after the qualifiers?

Yang rightfully points out that her using Burn is no different than anyone else using their Semblances. I would add that Yang's Semblance only serves to enhance her already present abilities with damage taken in a fight. So her not using it would be stupidly holding back extra energy for no reason.

Tai's critique also fails to register that when using her Semblance to take out FNKI, Yang specifically disrupted the ground so Neon could not skate effectively & used the boost in power to turn Flynt's own weapon against him.

I will be addressing Mercury further down but she used it effectively and intellectually here and to great effect.

What's more, every other fights fighting style, weapons or both were literally built around their Semblances. Yang's threat level remains fairly consistent without her Semblance, all three of these other characters take a huge dip.

Taiyang: Because not everyone else's is basically a temper tantrum.

Ignoring that calling the manifestation of Yang's soul a temper tantrum is another in a long line if dickish things Tai says to Yang. Her Semblance literally does not work that way.

Her anger has jack and shit to do with it, this has been explained & demonstrated time and time again. Yang only gets a power boost when she's been injured, the fact she tends to be angry when using it is because being hurt sucks and she's usually in an intense fight. When the fight is going well and she still gets to use it she's not angry, as seen with a pleased smirk here:

So as before, Tai's critique is bereft of any merit, Yang's Semblance does not work that way.

Taiyang: I'm serious! Once you take damage, you can dish it back twice as hard, but that doesn't make you invincible!

Cite a time Yang thought she was invincible, cite it provably that Yang thought, said or indicated that she felt she was invincible. You can't because Yang never indicated as such this is something Tai is assuming about her at best.

& no her jumping in the Nevermore's mouth is not an example because she was not using her Semblance, did not take damage, it was a very effective strategy & seemingly either part of the plan, or was so easily understood that it could be safely and reliably worked into the plan. She wasn't using her Semblance here but finding evidence of risky behavior was hard, especially with her Semblance, go figure.

In fact every time Yang used her Semblance she did so only because someone landed a blow, which just happens in fights sometimes.

Taiyang: It's great when you're in a bind, but what happens if you miss? What happens if they're stronger? What then? Now you're just weak and tired!

We know what happens when Yang misses, she can swing again!

After the first blow on the Paladin she missed & needed help to catch it, her missing had zero impact on her Semblances.

As to what happens if they are stronger, um, she loses, that sometimes happens in fights. Its not something Yang can do anything about by holding back on extra strength. Not to quote Qrow but sometimes bad things happen. Other characters losing to stronger opponents don't get given this kind of diatribe's because its pointedly obvious that there was nothing to be done about it.

& on the final piece, she was very pointedly not weak and tired after using it. The only times she has been shown to be is when she was extremely low on Aura regardless in which cases not using her Semblance is a death sentence.

So again, we've established Tai's critique comes from nowhere & his understanding of her Semblance is nonexistent.

Taiyang: But you gotta keep your emotions in check. Keep a level head, and think before you act. Your Semblance is a great fallback, but you can't let yourself rely on it.

This is so painfully unfair it hurts.

No other character gets this kind of shit for expressing emotions in combat. In fact we see characters expressing emotions in battle all the time. Nor has she stopped displaying emotions in combat:

I already outlined how in all two of the Yang fights Tai actually witnessed she used strategy and retained excellent combat form. So again, baseless claims from Tai.

What's more, Yang primarily does use her Semblance as a fallback rather than rely on it in these fights. She only whipped it out against Mercury when he'd unleashed his seeming kill move on her and was confident he'd won.

Not using it here would be dumb and make no sense.

Yang doesn't rely on it to save her, she deploys it when it makes sense to & she has the energy or the need. This is more than we see from many characters.

Taiyang: It won't always save you. Obviously.

So now he is critiquing her for a fight he didn't even witness & knows jack shit about. So let's break this down once again:

Yang has spent the last 24 hours questions her sanity.

Yang's new home (Her words) is burning down.

Yang's sister is missing in all this chaos.

Then Yang's partner gets fucking stabbed, and the guy who did it is standing between them with a sword & gun, with fire all over Grimm all around.

Anything Yang can do he can counter, she tries to go around he only has to pivot. If she tries to fire from long range she might hit Blake. She tries an earth shock wave, she launches Blake into the fire.

She quite literally had no others options & zero time to try anything else because he can just shoot or stab Blake whenever he wants.

Taiyang: You definitely have your mom's stubbornness.

This, this right here is where all this is actually coming from. Tai is once again projecting Raven onto Yang despite them frankly having almost nothing in common.

With most of Yang's visible personality tells being inherited from Summer, such as the mother daughter shoulder check of V9. Thanks to chittychittyyangyang for the GIFs

Or as outlined in some songs with Yang's side of the lyrics explicitly citing how she is trying to fill the Summer shaped void in their lives.

Like the smell of a rose on a summer's day, I will be there to take all your fears away.

Taiyang: Your mother was... a complicated woman. Like everybody, she had her faults, but those faults are what tore our team apart. And, it did a real number on our family.

Tai blames Raven for tearing their team apart. Save that by all accounts, barring her absence things seemed to be going fine. Qrow seemed to be present in their lives, Tai looked happy, the girls were happy & Summer at least seemed happy though we know she was covering up a lot of dread.

Keep in mind Tai is projecting Raven, the woman he blames for destroying the team and damaging the family onto his daughter who literally kept the family together after Summer died. Yang's established this, Ruby has established this, its canon.

Yang: I had to pick up the pieces. I had to keep things together. Alone. (pause) Weiss, if you have something to say, then say it. Ruby: If you thought we wouldn’t come for you, then you must’ve forgotten who raised me.

Tai was not the one holding that home or family together. Unless you think the writers are gonna randomly swerve & say both Yang & Ruby are big whiny liars for some utterly nonsensical reasons. So no, I don't take him seriously as a narrator or critique of Yang, I have no reason to.

But let's push on, because I'm not done.

Taiyang: You both act like the easiest way to tackle an obstacle is through it. (pointing at Zwei) That strength is all that matters in a fight.

Ah yes, Raven, the woman famously known for thinking the easiest way to deal with an obstacles is to tackle it head on. That's why she spent years adorning herself in a Grimm helmet that hid her eyes & raised a False Maiden to serve as her body double.

A woman so inclined to rely on her own raw strength that when she was ambushed by Salem's forces she decided to trick them into an ambush.

Then when fighting Cinder and was at a disadvantage she freezes her in place while making Cinder think she is going on the offensive leaving her to be crushed by Stalactites & also utilized mind games to distract her & deal the finishing blow... Cos she only relies on strength.

As to his final piece of advice I already address it up above, there was no way around Adam, the situation was fucked from the start.

Saying it was Yang's fault she was dismembered is no more than victim blaming, I stood by that in Volume 3 to to this day & beyond.

Taiyang: But if you just take a second look, then maybe you see... (walking toward her, stepping around Zwei) there's a way around as well.

But let's actually look at Seeing Red & if Yang listened to Tai's advice or if she not only ignored it but did the opposite of what he ordered.

Let's see she goes in with open aggression & emotions, and also takes many blows rather than going 'around' them somehow.

Yang, as if she were 'indestructible' outright tanks a massively charged up Aura beam for the purpose of increasing her strength.

Then burns through all of her Aura & Semblance energies delivering one direct blow, relying on it to save her & leaving her weak & tired.

Or in other words, she:

Yang didn't miss, but we know that isn't a real issue anyway.

Yang used her Semblance to 'win' the fight & very much did rely on it to save her.

Yang expressed anger & many other emotions in the battle & still continues to does so.

Yang willingly took huge risks that involved her being able to take tons of damage rather than go "Around" the problem.

Yang knew Adam was likely stronger given it was 2 V1 but relied on her Semblance to get her out of that bind and she was in fact left weak and tired.

This is also the first time she has done several of these things, or otherwise demonstrated these traits, such as being left weak and tired or willingly tanking big attacks rather than just being hit by surprise or due to being overwhelmed.

I don't take Tai's advice seriously because none of it was accurate or aligned with the Semblance we saw in action or had described to us.

I don't trust Tai's opinion on Yang because his take on her is explicitly informed by Raven & not the Yang we spent four & then five more volumes getting to know.

I don't take Tai's words over Yang's, Ruby's or what we see on screen because Tai is at best a secondary or minor character & a recurring theme in RWBY is the failure of older generations.

These failures are not just in the past but how they have been consistently failing the next generation as the story is being told. There is zero reason to think Tai is some magic exception to this narrative trend when much more well explored characters like Maria, Qrow, Ozpin, Ironwood, Raven, and hell, Summer Rose are not.

& that is my stance on that, thanks for tuning in!

[angelpuns]

Just another day wishing I didn't live with my parents but having to because I can barely take care of myself

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the artblock be hitteth Harder than normal, for tis not normal artblock. woe. Wally be upon ye

[888-fr]

mass pinglists (& moral superiority for not using them)

There's been concern lately over the newest update announcement that at some point, far into the future or at least after New Year's 2024, mass-pinging as a concept will be retired from Flight Rising. On one hand, there's people worried about this.

There's people who are also, frankly, being wildly vitriolic about those who rely on mass pinglists, disbelieving that anybody could ever be affected by mass ping tools shutting down. They're also out here openly calling skinmakers/G1 collectors/dominance organizers delusional for thinking the things they do are in any way, shape, or form, an important part of the site.

Which like, if people don't use user-run tools like GASP or the G1 pinglist, that's fine! That's your playstyle. But I don't understand where the attitude is coming from that the concerned groups are only a 'loud minority', and that they somehow don't contribute massively to the game as a whole. (The same people, by the way, who call G1 collectors & UMA makers a plague upon dragon society for being an elitist rich boy's club, then turn around and say they're not at all a driving force in the site's economy.) Which one is it? You can't have it both ways. Do these people spend thousands whaling for their perfect XXY G1 wildclaws then hundreds buying gem genes for their fancy showoff dragons? Or are they at best a negligible population in the game, whose activity and monetary contributions to the site are far outweighed by the tens of thousands of 'nice, normal, sane' players who log on once a week to hatch a nest and post on forums once in a blue moon?

There's 825 pages of user-made skins on the site right now. At 50 items per database page, that's 41,250 skins. 41,250 skins that had to be submitted with blueprints that can only be bought with gems.

Let's give these numbers the benefit of the doubt and say each skin was only submitted once, using a 10-print blueprint at 5000 gems, and each accent was only submitted once as well, using a 10-print blueprint at 2500 gems. That's 136,875,000 gems sunk into blueprints - if each individual usermade skin on site has only an average of ten copies on site. (Which is categorically not true, I've had multiple skins print over 300 copies. And I am just one person, and far from the most successful skinmaker on site.)

This is 1,368,750 USD in skin blueprints alone, by the way, using the most barebones and least generous numbers possible. We're not accounting for skins that sell more than one run, or the fact that no skin artist sells their skins to the public at print price (you can add another 30-40% to that number if you want to estimate how much money is actually spent to circulate those skins). Even if none of these artists pay money to buy gems, these gems are coming from somewhere. Even if you, as someone who doesn't care for G1s or never even heard of GASP, never set foot into these places, these gems are still circulating and being sunk into the site. And it helps no one to scoff and say you doubt there's no real impact on anything if all of this goes away.

There's 51k items on the site, and over 80% of them are skins. There's 5k users actively signed up and using GASP - more than the average amount of users logged onto the site at any given point that's not a new breed release or anniversary update.

Are you getting the picture yet? It's not self-absorbed to say that the UMA market has a very real impact on the game economy. It's just numbers.

I need to get my thoughts out about the new mass-ping update somewhere. My thoughts on the actual tool are entirely positive, it's a great change for the site and not one I ever thought I'd see. But there's people worried about the future of tools like the GASP & G1 sales pinglists for very good reason.

I think game economy is a very real concern if you're a dominance participant, a skinmaker, an old dragon collector, a G1 hatcher, an ID hunter, or anyone else whose community relies on mass ping lists. You aren't wrong for feeling this way. I'm sorry people are dismissing very valid concerns about the state of your community out of some misguided 'i don't do this and neither do my friends, so everyone who does must be a loud overexaggerating nitwit' attitude.

[robogart]

Finances/student loan vent?

Tried to reach out about my student loans to the private loan company they’re through to see if I could lower the monthly payments at all since I’m having trouble with the $375 lately and they were basically like “you can go on forbearance (they call it extension and seem to lump it as just general deferment) but it will accrue interest and you might have to pay more after anyways 😝 and I’m just like…bike accident pose wtf ; w ;

I know so many people have student loan debt in the country but in my immediate circles I’m the only person I know who has it and I just feel like a big idiot? Like I signed the “Want To Be An Indebted Fool” contract at 17. Like everyone I know has parents who paid for everything and it’s just like.. damn… I know it’s no one’s fault but the systems but I can’t help but feel like I’m constantly doing everything wrong 😔

I’ll figure it out somehow and I know a lot of it is a combination of many things happening in my life right now but yeesh! I tried to watch that Financial Diet YouTube a couple friends have told me about but like..it’s not really relatable to my financial circumstances so it feels hard to take notes? And I end up feeling stupid again lmao - this vicious capitalist cycle! 😤

If I had nicer feet I’d sell pictures but damn even that market is hard to break into unless you do something niche! Saucy pictures are such a tough thing to navigate too 😮‍💨

Aghhh anyways! Just grumbling and trying to figure things out!! I’m just feeling a bit lost and stressed over it all 🤧 trying to figure out so many work/career things too woof it’s been a pretty stressful new year @ w @

If anyone has financial advice/youtubers/blogs/etc for low income people with debt that you find helpful, I’d love to hear about it 🙏💖 or like a super rich family member who wants to give like 38k away bc they’re bored? Let me know! 👀✨

[gemmahale]

So I've temporarily paused my queue. It's just me, shouting into the void again. (The queue will maybe come back - there's some 800 some odd posts in there.) Just as an FYI.

I've been stuck in my head since...my work trip last weekend? Which, tbf, 12 hours of windshield time and a day of interacting with people is a fair bit.

(I'm cutting this because y'all don't need my yapping, but I need it off my chest. Go get some water or a beverage of choice instead.)

TW: mental health discussion. I am safe, I am not going to do anything brash.

But Monday I came back to an email from my boss - apparently two clients had stopped in to speak with him because I hadn't answered their calls (all are within the last two-ish weeks, maybe more?).

A huge part of my job is that timely client call-back. And one place that I consistently struggle in. We've had this discussion going on for 6+ mo now on how critical this call-back part is. The whole thing of what we do is timely, scientifically backed information.

I'm shit at calling back. I hate doing it. I hate troubleshooting people's plant problems. It just seems so...inconsequential. People are stressing about a dead spot in their yard (that's probably over watered and over fertilized and a sterile environment) and it's just...get some perspective, y'know?

I don't know. I love this job. I love the impact I could have. Get me talking about how people deserve healthy ecosystems and food access and such and I'm going a mile a minute.

But I'm paralyzed when it comes to solving these stupid "inconsequential" problems.

I have a newsletter I've been talking about sending out since FEBURARY. It's now AUGUST. It's unsent. I just hit a wall every time I sit down to set it up.

Same thing with the volunteer program I manage. The workshops I'm working on. All of it. Wall against wall against wall and I'm scrolling tumblr for the 43rd time that day.

And I don't know what to do. I'm scared. That's what it is. I'm Scared I'll give bad information and something will get killed and it'll be my fault.

(yes that's capital S scared.)

I don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow in our meeting. I know I'm on thin ice. I'm going into my 3rd year of this. I shouldn't be struggling like this. My RSD is so fuckin' bad that it's locking me up and shutting me down.

Part of me wants to be fired. Just "this isn't a good fit" and out the door. Proof that I'm not cut out for this job. Because all I have succeeded in doing is failing my colleagues, my peers and the clientele that I interact with.

I'm self-sabotaging myself and I don't know how to not to.

I love the opportunities this job has. But I'm terrified of failure to the point of breakdown. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that, right?

It's imposter syndrome, self-sabotage, other terms I've forgotten. having a name for it doesn't help any - just reinforces that I'm doing it to myself. And that's what hurts the most.

I haven't told anyone I'm struggling. It's hard to reach out. Kallen's been dealing with nightmares and job bullshit and high pain days (and his listening is problem solving/therapist-ing, which isn't what I want or need). My friends are all bogged down with their lives - unemployment, moving, divorces, childcare, and I'm not going to burden them with this gunk.

The irony to this is that I just told a friend to lean on me - because that's what friends do when they're in tight spots. Lean on each other, support each other.

But really it just means: Justify that I'm worth being here/being friends with me by making me useful to you.

God I wish I didn't have all this brain goop. I wish I could just scoop it out and poke at it under a microscope and dissect what happened to make me like this.

Gemma find a therapist. <- Whole different conversation. There's a dearth of mental health providers out here. I quit looking in 2021 when I called 5 places and they all said they were not taking on more clients and the one I tried we didn't vibe with each other. Fuck being a (mostly closeted) queer woman in small-town America.

[ace-geographer]

Well Questies a lot has happened this week, and I finally have free time, so please enjoy these long overdue Willow text post memes

Part 18/?

Credit to cap-that.com for the images (it's only just occurring to me that I haven't included a credit tag whoops)

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[sadistic-softie]

I hate being confrontational or preachy and I've never done it before, and frankly, it scares the shit out of me because I don't want people to think I'm mad at them, but I just need to get this off my chest.

I don't have NPD, but I'm so fucking tired of seeing bullshit CPTSD healing 'resources' that use 'narcissist' as a way to say 'abuser' or assume that all abusers are narcissistic and/or vice versa. Like...I wanna heal my trauma without seeing NPD people being thrown under the bus and stigmatized for something they have no part in. Like...wtf? Is that too much to ask for?? My CPTSD is not because of someones or anyones NPD. It never was and never will be. Apparently this is a hot take, but PTSD in general is not from anyones NPD. PTSD is from TRAUMA and or ABUSE. Apparently this is such a common misconception that even my father believes it. He said, "it's because she's a narcassist" after I talked to him about my mothers abusive behaviors to me. So, yeah...that's an awkward fucking conversation I might have to have eventually?? Narcissist is not another word for abuser. I'm saying this as a victim of abuse. Narcissist is not another word for abuser. Yes, it is possible that an abuser can just so happen to have NPD, but they could also have literally any other disorder and that would't be the cause of abusive behavior. NPD doesn't 'make' someone into an abuser. People with NPD are not all abusers. Not all abusers have NPD. These things are not synonymous. You can not blame abusive behavior on NPD. In my particular situation, my family has fallen into a cycle of abuse type situation, in which each mother was abusive to her daughters, causing the cycle to become seen as 'normal' in the family, thus perpetuating the cycle. An abusers actions are purposefully negative. Even if the intent is not explicitly to abuse or the abuser is not fully aware that they are being abusive. Each individual behavior is done with a certain intent. Manipulation tactics are meant to gain power over a person, constant invasion of privacy is done to control a person, constant belittlement and agression towards a particular person enforces an unhealthy dynamic, unwarrented and or cruel punishments, threats, pushings of boundaries are meant to train a victims actions and mindset, and I don't think I need to explain why physical violence is harmful. The list goes on. None of these abusive behaviors are symptoms of NPD nor fit the description of someone with NPD. These behaviors are abusive, end of sentence. It has nothing to do with NPD. The following are screenshots from a simple Google search (literally bare minimum research) defining Narcassistic Personality Disorder:

I'm sorry is this post overwhelms anyone. I don't want this to feel like a scolding and I really hope I don't sound like I'm trying to take a moral highground because I don't wanna make anyone feel like they're a bad person or anything like that. I know my wording and tone in this post is quite agressive compared to how I usually am, and I apoligize for that. I also wanna make it clear that this is not directed at anyone or any group of people in particular. Also, take this with a grain of salt too, as I'm not a professional in any field whatsoever and these are just my personal thoughts and frustrations. I hope you have a wonderful day if you're reading this and if you aren't. Thank you.

[chrishamae]

I'm sorry but I'm starting to realize that bones doesn't like Kyouka showing her using a weapon or just being insanely strong in the anime this season, for some reason. In the manga, she was helpful in this kind of situation cause she was raised as an assassin in which she's being using it for good now. The anime however, didn't include this key moment of her helping Atsushi this way. She just rely on her skill now or Atsushi's strength.

It was shown, again and again, of how strong Kyouka is in the manga. I don't know what kind of vendetta bones is trying to portray her in the anime but it's just so wrong to portray her doing nothing else just to assist Atsushi where it was shown she can do more than that.

I know some people wouldn't care this change or make fun of me for making a big deal but it will just only portray Kyouka to other people as this helpless girl now where she can fight alongside with Atsushi. Just because she's in the good side, doesn't mean she can't use her assassin's ability.

[doctorsiren]

New video tomorrow on my channel! I had an idea yesterday for a short animation, and I finished the sketch layer and decided that I’m gonna post that and then also post the finished version once I do finish it

This is to give me more content but also to help me remember that it’s okay if not everything I post is polished/finished/cleaned (I’m stuck in a really bad mindset when it comes to posting on my YouTube channel and I put a lot of pressure on myself to have clean and polished work, and so I’m trying to feel okay about my videos on there again)

[b3ndy]

I don't like being fictionkin, I just want to be Bendy.

Imagine being subjected to knowing you're just one of many. Let's say you're called Rob, typical human, you are yourself. But then you're forced to know and see that others are also Rob, as in you. They identify as you, or take on your appearance, like that one screenshot set with buzz lightyear on a toyshelf surrounded by others of himself. You are Rob but so is... this person ? Somehow... and then this person is Rob but is actually a seperate person despite looking exactly like you, wearing the same clothes and all.

You'd feel off. You'd likely be uncomfortable and distressed. Maybe even have an identity crisis. "Why are there so many of me ? Where's my individuality ?"

I feel like this theoretical Rob. I have countless AUs of me, some of them claiming to not be me while looking identical, or being me but looking so uncomfortably different yet similar enough. There's also doubles, but I want to specify that I'm fine with those following and who read this. It's moreso the concept of there being so many in general.

And how am I to feel when my own friend, someone who's closer to me than anyone else, who I'm intimate with, views me as one of many as well ? They view me as the original, sure, but they see others as seperate. They're the batdr ink demon and toon. They redesigned me once. They thought the version of me with a red bowtie was free game to connect with, yet it's still so obviously me. But it wasn't to them. I love them and they love me, their identities are involuntary and don't impact me daily anymore, but this entire essay type vent just. This was too much and it traumatised me. That's why I was triggered by those two for so long. They're still me, but they're not quite me, and so they attached to it. And I had to know this for every waking hour of every day of last year. It was awful and I keep wishing and hoping their identity fades, that they don't need it to cope with what they do anymore. I want us both to be happy and for me to be me. Their kin calmed down since the two split into alters at least, but it's still there and they try to ease me into it sometimes. Small references to their kin selves. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it. I need it to fade or never be spoken to me.

I'm Bendy, but I'm not the only one. And I'm just meant to accept it.

I try my best to stay kind and understanding but it's just. So hard sometimes. Sometimes I've no choice to and I traumatise myself like I did with my friend.

It's hard being one of many and I just wish and wish that I could've been absolutely me, not just another. Not one of many.

[hermanunworthy]

beauty school may be deteriorating my mental + physical health but i prommy im cooking something big up on the side rn. the horrors persist but so does my beloved stupid hyperfixation